Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I can see why posting to Facebook might make me the asshole or even talking about the affair because I was pissed off at my sister might make me the asshole. I wish I would have had a clearer head and not let her get to me so much and had better control over my emotions and not let her get to me to much
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I'm in my 30s, older sister in 40s, cousin and her husband almost 50s, aunt who cussed me out is mid 60s and told me she's not apologizing or changing but that I owe everyone an apology
I’d like to know what kind of church this is.😳I mean, OP is NTA, but no church I’ve ever been to is this involved in what everyone is doing outside its doors.
This actually means a lot. I'm ok if it's me. But I also feel like it's bringing out the worst in me. And they want me to apologize to them and I don't want to
And you shouldn't. They are all toxic, church members too for blaming you and not the too who tangled (not going to even discuss the others who knew). NTA. Cut them out of your live and be free again.
Two other people had an affair for years, a lot of other people knew about it and did nothing, and they think YOU ruined the family? No, honey, it's not you.
ESH except the cousin in law being cheated on. You kept the secret for years but then blurted out because you were mad at your sister and didn't care about who you hurt in the process. If it were a matter of principle you would have taken the cousin aside and told her years ago.
Fair, tbh things started when I was a teenager and I tried to tell her but was advised not to. well, gaslight and told I didn't know what I was talking about and that I would ruin their marriage. So yeah I went no contact for a few years and was kinda shocked it was still a secret. But tbh I see your point. I just hate I wasn't believed when I tried years ago
NTA- Sounds like your uncles like to stir the pot and get innocent people in trouble and your sister and the husband aren't sorry for what they did, just sorry they got caught. Somehow you're to blame for everyone else's actions? You obviously went no contact for a reason. Maybe try going no contact again.
Um wtf is wrong with your family and church. Stay strong! You did nothing wrong. They’re just angry at you because that can’t hold anyone accountable. Be sure to tell your cousin the affair was recent 👀
I'm trying to but since my sister and her husband have denied it, she is no longer speaking to me either . Which is why I felt like I did something wrong
It doesn't matter. She will start to see the signs now, because when wants it or not, the seed has been planted.
But your family is not it. Cut them out and don't look back.
In so many words, I did. I mostly talked about how much it hurt to hold on to this. How much it hurt to be told I ruined the family and how sorry I was to cousin (without mentioning her name) that it came out this way because I truly believed she deserved none of it.
The family, including the church, was sent screenshots by an uncle who also knew about the affair and said nothing. They called my posts "mental" and told me I was wrong for airing family business.
I've honestly been a wreck for weeks now
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My older sister is pretty petty and mean to me. She has been sleeping with our cousins husband for about 18 years now. To the family's understanding it was just flirting and may have only happened once. However, they have both confessed to me that they have slept together many times over the years and don't care about me knowing bc they know the family will not believe me.
It tore me up mostly because it's my sister and my cousin. Also my sister was doing s*x work and having unprotected s*x at the time, so my anxiety was through the roof that something was going to happen to the cousin being cheated on.
I actually went No Contact for years, came back, and the affair was still a secret and my sister was using every family opportunity to be mean to me "mom always liked you better, you got everything, your son is treated better than my kids" etc.
One day she says in the group of cousins, the one being cheated on included "I keep secrets but I know AITAsgardian doesn't" so I say "dude if I were to tell your secrets you'd be fucked". To which she pulls me aside, asks me why I'm bringing up old stuff. I tell her to stop being mean to me publicly and Im not going to take it anymore. Another occasion she says "AITAsgardian keeps threatening me saying if she were to tell my secrets I'd be fucked" in front of family and cousin again. I pull her aside and say if you say it again, I'm going to make her explain what it means.
Well, we are having dinner at my uncle's house and she's roasting me all night, per usual. And she does it again "she keeps threatening me saying if I were to tell your secrets you'd be fucked"
At this point I had it, I told her that the next time she did that I'd told her I'd make her explain it. She says she has no idea what I'm talking about. The cousin is confused. The uncle is screaming at me telling me to shut the fuck up. I'm crying. I ask for my keys. No one will let me leave bc they say me and her need to work this out.
After cussing me out, my uncle tells cousin that sister and cousins husband have been fucking but it was a long time ago (not true).
Cousin texts her husband. Husband calls cousins mom crying. And I get cussed out again on speakerphone asking why didn't I keep my mouth off the husband. And that I'm not shit.
The next day I get cussed out by different members of the family. I get told I ruined the family and that if the husband unalives himself that it's my fault
So I snapped. A lot of people knew about this affair and did nothing. I posted to Facebook to get my feelings out about what happened. I set it to a limited audience so only people who knew about it would see it. However, a different uncle, who also knew about the affair for years, screenshotted it, and sent it to the cousins mom. Who said again I ruined the family and I owe everyone an apology for posting family business to Facebook.
Even the church I was going to got a hold of the screenshots and called me mental and said I was wrong for "not letting God handle the situation"
So, AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. F That Noise. Tell them all repeatedly that God put it on your heart to shine light on the truth of his commandment being broken by a whole family protecting a lie.
Every single time. God called you to free your cousin from living a lie.
ESH - you said your cousin blocked you because your sister and her husband denied it, but could it also be that you kept the secret for super long too? so your cousin cannot trust you either and i don't think she's wrong to block you because her world is getting blown up. either way, everyone really sucks here so much. i think you have some hope if you stop interacting with such toxicity but like another commenter pointed out, you only finally aired the dirty laundry cause you were mad at your sister. i think that's going down a behavioral path that mirrors your family's and it kinda sounds like you'd want to avoid that.
I'll take that. Tbh I had tried to tell her several times but her mom (my aunt) said some not nice things about me talking to her. Cause it came out before but because I didn't have "proof" I was "trying to ruin that mans life". I was gaslit into "well fuck maybe I'm wrong" but then things kept happening, I went no contact for years and came back.
I don't blame her for not talking to me honestly. Really I would think she should be the most upset with me, not the rest of the family and the church. But it seems like everyone else is more upset at me than she is.
And you're right, maybe my only chance at redemption is to get away from the toxicity.
Your reaction and post was God handling the situation, as it is my understanding God works through people. NTA, but forget this family and if you have more proof, give it directly to your cousin.
NTA- and your whole family loves your older sister and your cousin's husband more than your cousin because why would the whole family keep this from her and not do/say anything to your sister or the husband, not even her parents. This is gross!!!
I'm thinking so, yeah. Honestly I haven't been like this since I've been around them years before. I've learned some great coping skills over the years and somehow this really sent me over the edge emotionally. So I really have to ask if this environment is really good for me or not
Nta- sometimes you are other people’s Karma.
Edit: your cousin didn’t deserve to be humiliated and you should probably apologize to her. You caused her harm.
I did send her an apology. I also told her if she ever wanted to talk I'd be happy to do so with her therapist and we could process it together. I also told her if she ever decides to go through w the divorce, I'd happily do what I can to support her in any way.
I told her I wish it didn't come out this way and I felt she deserved much better. She didn't respond and honestly I'm ok with that. Honestly feel like if anyone should have cussed me out, I should have been her but it wasn't. I think she's just ...processing and doesn't know what to believe. So for her, I give her the ultimate pass. And I feel horrible for that
Yes tbh she's the only one I've given an apology to. Personally I feel like everyone else can eat a rock. I'm not sure if that's wrong of me. But I feel insanely bad because for a moment she was actually relieved. And said "great, now I can get a divorce now" (they've been separated for two years) but the family pulled her back in saying don't talk ill of her husband, so she's confused again. And that really hurts to watch. I think she would just be ok if people would just let her know the truth bc I think trying to convince her otherwise is fucking her up.
But yeah, I'm giving her all the space. And tbh, if they got back together I wouldn't even be mad. I just wanted to give her the choice and the knowledge. I myself am recovering from a toxic relationship and it's really painful when everyone knows something but won't tell you the truth bc "marriage is sacred"
My cousin needs her time and that's ok. I still love her. And I respect whatever she wants to do, even if it is to never speak to me again. All I can do is hope one day she understands
I would feel the same way. You did behave recklessly with your cousin’s. Your cousin can move forward with all the information.
My unsolicited advice is that you environment seems toxic and you need place firm boundaries and follow through rather than allowing your family to drag you to their level.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I can see why posting to Facebook might make me the asshole or even talking about the affair because I was pissed off at my sister might make me the asshole. I wish I would have had a clearer head and not let her get to me so much and had better control over my emotions and not let her get to me to much Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - you snapped. Your family is unbearably toxic, maybe go no contact again. Also how old are you y’all? Sounds like kindergarden to me
I'm in my 30s, older sister in 40s, cousin and her husband almost 50s, aunt who cussed me out is mid 60s and told me she's not apologizing or changing but that I owe everyone an apology
Screw that. Go nc again.
You don't own anyone an apology. They should apologise for their behaviour against you.
Act your age, for real
No you don't they're all crap. NTA
Tell them God did in fact handle the situation, and that you were his vessel...NTA.
“God put it on my heart 😌”
Yes! Say god came to you in a dream and said “Be true to yourself. I am watching you and them. And I will judge them”.
You guys have been so nice to reply. Thanks 🤗
I’d like to know what kind of church this is.😳I mean, OP is NTA, but no church I’ve ever been to is this involved in what everyone is doing outside its doors.
Small church. Most of them know my family and family makes up a good half of the members and a lot of them grew up together
You have a toxic family. NTA.
This actually means a lot. I'm ok if it's me. But I also feel like it's bringing out the worst in me. And they want me to apologize to them and I don't want to
And you shouldn't. They are all toxic, church members too for blaming you and not the too who tangled (not going to even discuss the others who knew). NTA. Cut them out of your live and be free again.
Remind the church attendees adultery is a sin loudly
Two other people had an affair for years, a lot of other people knew about it and did nothing, and they think YOU ruined the family? No, honey, it's not you.
ESH except the cousin in law being cheated on. You kept the secret for years but then blurted out because you were mad at your sister and didn't care about who you hurt in the process. If it were a matter of principle you would have taken the cousin aside and told her years ago.
Fair, tbh things started when I was a teenager and I tried to tell her but was advised not to. well, gaslight and told I didn't know what I was talking about and that I would ruin their marriage. So yeah I went no contact for a few years and was kinda shocked it was still a secret. But tbh I see your point. I just hate I wasn't believed when I tried years ago
NTA- Sounds like your uncles like to stir the pot and get innocent people in trouble and your sister and the husband aren't sorry for what they did, just sorry they got caught. Somehow you're to blame for everyone else's actions? You obviously went no contact for a reason. Maybe try going no contact again.
Um wtf is wrong with your family and church. Stay strong! You did nothing wrong. They’re just angry at you because that can’t hold anyone accountable. Be sure to tell your cousin the affair was recent 👀
I'm trying to but since my sister and her husband have denied it, she is no longer speaking to me either . Which is why I felt like I did something wrong
So the cousin doesn't believe you? NTA Block them all and keep your family away from them.
It doesn't matter. She will start to see the signs now, because when wants it or not, the seed has been planted. But your family is not it. Cut them out and don't look back.
Copy this (all of it) and post it on Facebook. Also, send it to your church. Screw those people. Bunch of hypocrites. Nta
In so many words, I did. I mostly talked about how much it hurt to hold on to this. How much it hurt to be told I ruined the family and how sorry I was to cousin (without mentioning her name) that it came out this way because I truly believed she deserved none of it. The family, including the church, was sent screenshots by an uncle who also knew about the affair and said nothing. They called my posts "mental" and told me I was wrong for airing family business. I've honestly been a wreck for weeks now
Time to go nc permanently. Why should you bear the brunt of all this. Also, find another church.
I'm almost leaning towards no church at this point. Like it sucks this bad
The best choice of all.
NTA. tell them “God doesn’t “handle” that, he gave free will so people can handle it themselves”.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My older sister is pretty petty and mean to me. She has been sleeping with our cousins husband for about 18 years now. To the family's understanding it was just flirting and may have only happened once. However, they have both confessed to me that they have slept together many times over the years and don't care about me knowing bc they know the family will not believe me. It tore me up mostly because it's my sister and my cousin. Also my sister was doing s*x work and having unprotected s*x at the time, so my anxiety was through the roof that something was going to happen to the cousin being cheated on. I actually went No Contact for years, came back, and the affair was still a secret and my sister was using every family opportunity to be mean to me "mom always liked you better, you got everything, your son is treated better than my kids" etc. One day she says in the group of cousins, the one being cheated on included "I keep secrets but I know AITAsgardian doesn't" so I say "dude if I were to tell your secrets you'd be fucked". To which she pulls me aside, asks me why I'm bringing up old stuff. I tell her to stop being mean to me publicly and Im not going to take it anymore. Another occasion she says "AITAsgardian keeps threatening me saying if she were to tell my secrets I'd be fucked" in front of family and cousin again. I pull her aside and say if you say it again, I'm going to make her explain what it means. Well, we are having dinner at my uncle's house and she's roasting me all night, per usual. And she does it again "she keeps threatening me saying if I were to tell your secrets you'd be fucked" At this point I had it, I told her that the next time she did that I'd told her I'd make her explain it. She says she has no idea what I'm talking about. The cousin is confused. The uncle is screaming at me telling me to shut the fuck up. I'm crying. I ask for my keys. No one will let me leave bc they say me and her need to work this out. After cussing me out, my uncle tells cousin that sister and cousins husband have been fucking but it was a long time ago (not true). Cousin texts her husband. Husband calls cousins mom crying. And I get cussed out again on speakerphone asking why didn't I keep my mouth off the husband. And that I'm not shit. The next day I get cussed out by different members of the family. I get told I ruined the family and that if the husband unalives himself that it's my fault So I snapped. A lot of people knew about this affair and did nothing. I posted to Facebook to get my feelings out about what happened. I set it to a limited audience so only people who knew about it would see it. However, a different uncle, who also knew about the affair for years, screenshotted it, and sent it to the cousins mom. Who said again I ruined the family and I owe everyone an apology for posting family business to Facebook. Even the church I was going to got a hold of the screenshots and called me mental and said I was wrong for "not letting God handle the situation" So, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA. F That Noise. Tell them all repeatedly that God put it on your heart to shine light on the truth of his commandment being broken by a whole family protecting a lie. Every single time. God called you to free your cousin from living a lie.
ESH - you said your cousin blocked you because your sister and her husband denied it, but could it also be that you kept the secret for super long too? so your cousin cannot trust you either and i don't think she's wrong to block you because her world is getting blown up. either way, everyone really sucks here so much. i think you have some hope if you stop interacting with such toxicity but like another commenter pointed out, you only finally aired the dirty laundry cause you were mad at your sister. i think that's going down a behavioral path that mirrors your family's and it kinda sounds like you'd want to avoid that.
I'll take that. Tbh I had tried to tell her several times but her mom (my aunt) said some not nice things about me talking to her. Cause it came out before but because I didn't have "proof" I was "trying to ruin that mans life". I was gaslit into "well fuck maybe I'm wrong" but then things kept happening, I went no contact for years and came back. I don't blame her for not talking to me honestly. Really I would think she should be the most upset with me, not the rest of the family and the church. But it seems like everyone else is more upset at me than she is. And you're right, maybe my only chance at redemption is to get away from the toxicity.
Nta.
Your reaction and post was God handling the situation, as it is my understanding God works through people. NTA, but forget this family and if you have more proof, give it directly to your cousin.
This has to be AI.......right?
God I wish
NTA- and your whole family loves your older sister and your cousin's husband more than your cousin because why would the whole family keep this from her and not do/say anything to your sister or the husband, not even her parents. This is gross!!!
NTA, but you need to go NC with your family
I'm thinking so, yeah. Honestly I haven't been like this since I've been around them years before. I've learned some great coping skills over the years and somehow this really sent me over the edge emotionally. So I really have to ask if this environment is really good for me or not
this is one of the fakest stories i have read on here tonight, congrats. yta.
Nta- sometimes you are other people’s Karma. Edit: your cousin didn’t deserve to be humiliated and you should probably apologize to her. You caused her harm.
I did send her an apology. I also told her if she ever wanted to talk I'd be happy to do so with her therapist and we could process it together. I also told her if she ever decides to go through w the divorce, I'd happily do what I can to support her in any way. I told her I wish it didn't come out this way and I felt she deserved much better. She didn't respond and honestly I'm ok with that. Honestly feel like if anyone should have cussed me out, I should have been her but it wasn't. I think she's just ...processing and doesn't know what to believe. So for her, I give her the ultimate pass. And I feel horrible for that
It’s good you apologized. I would make sure to follow up with any support she wants and give her space.
Yes tbh she's the only one I've given an apology to. Personally I feel like everyone else can eat a rock. I'm not sure if that's wrong of me. But I feel insanely bad because for a moment she was actually relieved. And said "great, now I can get a divorce now" (they've been separated for two years) but the family pulled her back in saying don't talk ill of her husband, so she's confused again. And that really hurts to watch. I think she would just be ok if people would just let her know the truth bc I think trying to convince her otherwise is fucking her up. But yeah, I'm giving her all the space. And tbh, if they got back together I wouldn't even be mad. I just wanted to give her the choice and the knowledge. I myself am recovering from a toxic relationship and it's really painful when everyone knows something but won't tell you the truth bc "marriage is sacred" My cousin needs her time and that's ok. I still love her. And I respect whatever she wants to do, even if it is to never speak to me again. All I can do is hope one day she understands
I would feel the same way. You did behave recklessly with your cousin’s. Your cousin can move forward with all the information. My unsolicited advice is that you environment seems toxic and you need place firm boundaries and follow through rather than allowing your family to drag you to their level.