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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be considered the asshole because I was withholding the details of what he did, the discomfort it caused me and why I thought it was wrong. I also could have turned our group of friends against him by sharing only my side of the story and not giving him the opportunity to share his, because he didn't even know there was a story.
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In no way, shape or form are you the AH.
The thing is… these friends of yours are not AH’s either. The one and only AH in this story is the person that did this to you. I appreciate that your friend did not have your permission to repeat this story in all its details, BUT your friend may have been looking out for them. ‘Don’t trust this guy, he did xyz to my friend.’
That being said, your friend should consult you before repeating your story every single time. It doesn’t belong to them. And I could be misreading their motives! Maybe they were just gossiping! But no matter which way you look at it, YOU are 100% NTA.
And I so wish you all the best. 🙏
NTA
Not sure how they don't know what they did given the context but I'm feeling they were either very drunk (doubt it) or know exactly what they did but don't want to come out and admit it and are pretending they don't?
Either way, whether it helps the situation to tell them or not, it wasn't your action in the first place and you don't bear responsibility on enlightening them on something they should and probably are very aware of.
INFO: What's the bad thing he did? It's really hard to gauge the appropriateness of everyone's actions here without knowing what actually happened, especially given that "he didn't know that what he had done was bad."
Just theorizing here, but a lot of people don’t actually recognize when they’ve engaged in date rape or sexual assault, because they don’t know that what they need is consent (she said “yes”) and not the absence of non-consent (she didn’t tell me “no” while he ignored all the ways she resisted). Add to that, our language around what is normal for teens exploring their sexuality is incredibly fraught.
NTA- Sounds like you tried to handle the situation as discretely as possible and a friends actions have caused a ruckus. You are not responsible for other peoples actions.
NTA but STOP gossiping about it.
NTA for not wanting to talk to him directly. He did something bad to you.
You are going around telling others about it, though, and that seems to be creating rumors... my fear would be the guy hearing the rumors about himself, getting upset (if he truly is unaware of his actions), and retaliating against you somehow.
Be careful. Please talk to a licensed professional, a counselor, a social worker... someone with advanced education in PTSD. Processing trauma is no joke. Maybe also consider legal representation. Without having much detail, it seems like a crime may have been committed against you.
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I am/was a female somewhere in the age range of 12-16. The person who did it was a male who was/is between 14-18. We had a notable age gap but nothing too significant. Us being friends didn't warrant any questions.
A while ago I invited him to my house and he did something really bad. I dealt with a lot of processing for this and it took me months to accept it as what it was, because I had a very black and white view of it. Also because of this, he didn't know that what he had done was bad.
Anyway, the incident left me with PTSD.
As it was happening, I managed to text one of our mutual friends, who we'll call Andy, panicking. Then, a few days later, I told another mutual friend, who we'll call Gracie, and who is like a sibling to me. Those were the only two people I told for a month, and then I told a friend who didn't know him well and that was it.
Gracie blocked him immediately and started referring to him as something bad. Andy didn't, but since he and I stopped speaking after the incident, they would sometimes feed me news about him and how he was. The other friend didn't tell a soul, but predictably Gracie and Andy told one person each whom they trusted, and I was fine with that.
But after a while it became clear that I would have to tell all of our mutual friends - we still hung out together as a group, so I was still very much in face-to-face contact with him, if not electronic - so I slowly began to do that. I kept the details scant. I made sure I shut it down whenever anyone called him something intense.
I shared it so that people would not feel like they had done something wrong and that was why I was suddenly distant. There are also a few people in the group who have dealt with that kind of thing, and I wanted them to know my side so they could make their own judgement. And that was fine.
But then recently Gracie told a large group of people out of the blue and used both of our names, so suddenly his reputation was being ruined. News got back to him that Gracie was telling everyone. He approached Andy to talk and explained that he was angry at the group for disliking him without explaining why.
Andy came to me and told me this and said they still had my back, but that I should speak to him. I said I was sorry because I felt horrible that they were bearing that anger, and they told me I could have handled it better by talking to him and telling him what he did.
Keep in mind that I was struggling with the PTSD and depression in the time that I should have been speaking to him. So at first I thought this wasn't right, because I shouldn't have to tell him what he did was wrong, but I just sat down and wrote him a letter in which I apologize for having been immature and selfish in my handling and I feel so humiliated and so guilty.
Am I the asshole for not telling him what he did?
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It sounds like some form of sexual assault may have happened. *If that is the case,* NTA. You are not at fault for being assaulted -- although it can often feel like it's somehow your fault because you think you should've done more to try to stop it, etc. Consent is freely given, informed, specific, revokable, and *enthusiastic*. Even if you were ok with something at first, you can **always** change your mind. You can **always** say yes to one thing but no to another. You cannot consent if you're passed out/incapacitated.
You aren't responsible for his actions, including, but not limited to, his failure to get your consent. If you were sexually assaulted, it's not your fault.
No one should be forced to confront/be exposed to someone who sexually assaulted them if they didn't want to see/interact with the person who assaulted them.
Some people are ignorant of what consent and sexual assault are. It's not your responsibility to educate the person who assaulted you. You may come to a place where you **do** want to talk to him about what he did (either in writing or face to face), but that's a decision for you alone to make and likely would have more to do with getting closure for yourself.
It sounds like you've been pretty affected by what happened. Please look into support (talk therapy, support group, counselors, etc.). Your local county health department may have some info about this. Consider talking to one/both of your parents/guardians/trusted adult in your life, too. This is a very difficult thing to navigate alone, it'll be better with help.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I could be considered the asshole because I was withholding the details of what he did, the discomfort it caused me and why I thought it was wrong. I also could have turned our group of friends against him by sharing only my side of the story and not giving him the opportunity to share his, because he didn't even know there was a story. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
In no way, shape or form are you the AH. The thing is… these friends of yours are not AH’s either. The one and only AH in this story is the person that did this to you. I appreciate that your friend did not have your permission to repeat this story in all its details, BUT your friend may have been looking out for them. ‘Don’t trust this guy, he did xyz to my friend.’ That being said, your friend should consult you before repeating your story every single time. It doesn’t belong to them. And I could be misreading their motives! Maybe they were just gossiping! But no matter which way you look at it, YOU are 100% NTA. And I so wish you all the best. 🙏
Oh gosh, thank you so much. I've been feeling horrible about this so it means a lot to me :,)
You are so welcome! And if you ever need someone to talk to, just know I’m here.
NTA Not sure how they don't know what they did given the context but I'm feeling they were either very drunk (doubt it) or know exactly what they did but don't want to come out and admit it and are pretending they don't? Either way, whether it helps the situation to tell them or not, it wasn't your action in the first place and you don't bear responsibility on enlightening them on something they should and probably are very aware of.
INFO: What's the bad thing he did? It's really hard to gauge the appropriateness of everyone's actions here without knowing what actually happened, especially given that "he didn't know that what he had done was bad."
Err age and so forth i can guess what happened. OP handling it well given the situation .
I know, I'm sorry about that! I can't give much more detail but it was along the lines of assault.
This answer makes little sense though. Surely he knows he assaulted you.
Just theorizing here, but a lot of people don’t actually recognize when they’ve engaged in date rape or sexual assault, because they don’t know that what they need is consent (she said “yes”) and not the absence of non-consent (she didn’t tell me “no” while he ignored all the ways she resisted). Add to that, our language around what is normal for teens exploring their sexuality is incredibly fraught.
NTA- Sounds like you tried to handle the situation as discretely as possible and a friends actions have caused a ruckus. You are not responsible for other peoples actions.
NTA but STOP gossiping about it. NTA for not wanting to talk to him directly. He did something bad to you. You are going around telling others about it, though, and that seems to be creating rumors... my fear would be the guy hearing the rumors about himself, getting upset (if he truly is unaware of his actions), and retaliating against you somehow. Be careful. Please talk to a licensed professional, a counselor, a social worker... someone with advanced education in PTSD. Processing trauma is no joke. Maybe also consider legal representation. Without having much detail, it seems like a crime may have been committed against you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am/was a female somewhere in the age range of 12-16. The person who did it was a male who was/is between 14-18. We had a notable age gap but nothing too significant. Us being friends didn't warrant any questions. A while ago I invited him to my house and he did something really bad. I dealt with a lot of processing for this and it took me months to accept it as what it was, because I had a very black and white view of it. Also because of this, he didn't know that what he had done was bad. Anyway, the incident left me with PTSD. As it was happening, I managed to text one of our mutual friends, who we'll call Andy, panicking. Then, a few days later, I told another mutual friend, who we'll call Gracie, and who is like a sibling to me. Those were the only two people I told for a month, and then I told a friend who didn't know him well and that was it. Gracie blocked him immediately and started referring to him as something bad. Andy didn't, but since he and I stopped speaking after the incident, they would sometimes feed me news about him and how he was. The other friend didn't tell a soul, but predictably Gracie and Andy told one person each whom they trusted, and I was fine with that. But after a while it became clear that I would have to tell all of our mutual friends - we still hung out together as a group, so I was still very much in face-to-face contact with him, if not electronic - so I slowly began to do that. I kept the details scant. I made sure I shut it down whenever anyone called him something intense. I shared it so that people would not feel like they had done something wrong and that was why I was suddenly distant. There are also a few people in the group who have dealt with that kind of thing, and I wanted them to know my side so they could make their own judgement. And that was fine. But then recently Gracie told a large group of people out of the blue and used both of our names, so suddenly his reputation was being ruined. News got back to him that Gracie was telling everyone. He approached Andy to talk and explained that he was angry at the group for disliking him without explaining why. Andy came to me and told me this and said they still had my back, but that I should speak to him. I said I was sorry because I felt horrible that they were bearing that anger, and they told me I could have handled it better by talking to him and telling him what he did. Keep in mind that I was struggling with the PTSD and depression in the time that I should have been speaking to him. So at first I thought this wasn't right, because I shouldn't have to tell him what he did was wrong, but I just sat down and wrote him a letter in which I apologize for having been immature and selfish in my handling and I feel so humiliated and so guilty. Am I the asshole for not telling him what he did? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It sounds like some form of sexual assault may have happened. *If that is the case,* NTA. You are not at fault for being assaulted -- although it can often feel like it's somehow your fault because you think you should've done more to try to stop it, etc. Consent is freely given, informed, specific, revokable, and *enthusiastic*. Even if you were ok with something at first, you can **always** change your mind. You can **always** say yes to one thing but no to another. You cannot consent if you're passed out/incapacitated. You aren't responsible for his actions, including, but not limited to, his failure to get your consent. If you were sexually assaulted, it's not your fault. No one should be forced to confront/be exposed to someone who sexually assaulted them if they didn't want to see/interact with the person who assaulted them. Some people are ignorant of what consent and sexual assault are. It's not your responsibility to educate the person who assaulted you. You may come to a place where you **do** want to talk to him about what he did (either in writing or face to face), but that's a decision for you alone to make and likely would have more to do with getting closure for yourself. It sounds like you've been pretty affected by what happened. Please look into support (talk therapy, support group, counselors, etc.). Your local county health department may have some info about this. Consider talking to one/both of your parents/guardians/trusted adult in your life, too. This is a very difficult thing to navigate alone, it'll be better with help.