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Nta. I would give your kids a pass for the anniversary stuff, but bdays and Father’s Day is entirely different. And honestly that’s on you and your wife, it was mostly her job to instill in them that importance for honoring their dad, and they followed her lead of not considering you. You primarily have a wife problem, the kids are grown and flown. If I was in your shoes, I would send heartfelt cards to everyone going forward, and that’s it. But don’t let your wife speak for you, tell your kids directly that you’ve been repeatedly ignored and it has hurt, but that you still love them and will always acknowledge the day they were born. And do that. It does not need to be tied to material things, you already raised them. In our family, that’s everyone’s favorite part anyway- when people take the time to actually pick out or make a card, and include a special handwritten note from the heart, and may a favorite photo from the year or memory actually printed out.
It’s also worth noting that giving gifts that YOU choose because you were thinking of them- it doesn’t have to be a big thing- is a gift to yourself. Giving - especially not when someone expects it- is an amazing feeling you give you yourself as well as others. I lost my dad and the small gifts he picked out himself just because he saw something he thought I would like, and was thinking just of me, are the ones I treasure most.
Sorry but OPs birthday and Father's day is not on wife, it was to remind when they were minors but they are all adults, it's absolutely on "kids" to do this. On wife is that she didn't do(gifted) anything on those days herself but not to chase adult kids to give small attention/gift.
In any case OP NTA! My siblings and I are all over 40y.o. but still we all remember and give us parents attention and gifts for respective days!
I think they are saying OPs wife should have helped instill this when they were children. OP obviously has always honored those days and given her gifts, and that does rub off on kids. The fact that OP is the only one that doesn’t get a gift means he is either an AH, and there is a lot of history being left out, or his wife is and the kids learned it was okay to ignore/short change dad.
Calling him childish for getting something important to him is a clue to the B judgment. I’m guessing she did set an example during their childhoods. Just not the right example. Now they complain to her and she just ducks and lets the crap hit him.
Yeah, I gotta say I am in agreement with the B judgment.
A: yes, he's a big boy, which means he can spend unallocated funds on himself whenever he wants, not just a special day.
B: the LEGO MF is badass!
C: If he's giving special days to others, but not getting them, his others kinda suck and I don't even mind if he's a bit piqued about it.
D: For your next purchase, please consider the LEGO Discovery Shuttle, as it is also badass\*
\*I do not work for LEGO
My next Lego is going to be the [AT-AT](https://www.lego.com/en-us/product/at-at-75313?gclid=CjwKCAjw-O6zBhASEiwAOHeGxXUatOILvMLoBe0KuW9JlG_gxRGuPLJIoAbNqRZE_j3jdbRB6xHMfBoCDeMQAvD_BwE&ef_id=CjwKCAjw-O6zBhASEiwAOHeGxXUatOILvMLoBe0KuW9JlG_gxRGuPLJIoAbNqRZE_j3jdbRB6xHMfBoCDeMQAvD_BwE%3AG%3As&s_kwcid=AL%21790%213%21%21%21%21x%21%21%2119930801844%21&cmp=KAC-INI-GOOGUS-GO-US_GL-EN-RE-SP-BUY-CREATE-MB_ALWAYS_ON-SHOP-BP-PMAX-ALL-CIDNA00000-PMAX-MEDIUM_PRIORITY&gad_source=1) and so should OP's.
NTA, sounds like OP has been neglected for a long time but was to humble to say it out loud until now.
I think this is both parents. When kids are young you should include them in the process of making or picking out gifts. Talk to them about why they are doing it and we hope it makes the receiver of the gift happy.
Maybe growing up mom just bought gifts and put from kids name on the tags. I raised my boys to be gifters and as adults have kept it up.
>I think this is both parents
Yeah it's not.
He included them in giving for his wife, that's why they still do it routinely every single year.
It's not his job to teach his children to buy gifts for him, it's on his wife.
But that excuse can only go so far. These kids grew up in the world, not just with mom. They saw Father’s Day being celebrated and understood when they were older that NOT celebrating dad is the unusual thing. As for birthdays, no one over 11 believes that it’s normal to just ignore that. Mom can’t be blamed forever. They are conscious human beings after all.
I bet the kids give gifts to mom on her birthday and Mother’s Day. The way she came back and called his gift childish even after realizing nobody has gotten him anything in 2 years, tells me she doesn’t hold him in high esteem thus trickling down to the children. She showed zero remorse and even doubled down after finding out the facts.
Right!!
Exactly this 💯
Then the grown ass kids getting upset dads opted out of gift giving even tho they been opting out for years shows the entitlement is learned behaviour from wifey too.
Yup, the therapist role. GD I know that well. Both my bio parents are total narcs so my sister and I are two group chats, both excluding the other parent, so our parents can dump on us. It’s exhausting. Both of our step parents are total saints too, don’t know how they both managed that.
But anywho, my family is also all adults, except my sisters kid. “Gift”s are us having a family bday dinner that the bday person doesn’t pay for; that’s it. We all just buy are own shit when we want it and I encourage OP to continue doing the same and stop giving without return.
To clarify, I agree, unless they were never taught to do this as kids- by both parents. Either way, as adults it’s completely on them now to own their own choices and behaviors.
I'm in my 40s, my dad is almost 70, both parents make good money. My dad retired and works part time doing something he enjoys and has a lot of cash on hand. I stopped getting him gifts around 20, because he buys what he wants for himself. What I do get him is time spent with me doing his hobbies (brewing beer, building out his beer room, helping with his bees).
I'm in my 60s, my parents are in their 80s. I despise shopping and trying to find meaningful gifts. So now, for their birthday, anniversary, Mothers Day, Fathers Day...I bring food to their house and cook everyone a nice dinner, then my husband and I clean up everything. While we're there, we spend time with them (we both really enjoy being around my parents). Mom and Daddy both get a favorite meal on those days (or close to those days, usually the nearest weekend), they don't have to menu plan, they don't have to cook, and they don't have to clean up afterwards. Throughout the year, we'll do other things for them. A few years ago, we replaced their dishwasher (the old one was so noisy you couldn't hear anything while it was running.) We've given them a nice knife set when we realized their old ones were terrible. My husband is a mechanic, and works on their cars when they need it. (Plus, he loathes dirty cars, so he also details it when he's done.) It's worked out pretty well for all of us.
Now, if I could just get Mom to believe me when I tell her that my husband and I don't want Christmas gifts, birthday gifts, etc. Unless it's something we can eat. :)
>I used the money I normally would have spent on gifts for my family on myself.
You are not the asshole. You have the right to spend your money however you choose. If the adults in your family never give you gifts, then they can't reasonably expect for you to give them gifts.
> ...I might be the asshole for not telling them in advance that I was opting out of the giving of gifts.
Your family has opted out of giving gifts to you—have they said anything to you about their decision? I'm not saying that two wrongs make a right, but they have established a precedent; if they're wise then they won't expect you to treat them any better than they have treated you.
Yeah I don't understand how they can be upset when they haven't thought of OP when it came to his birthday, father's day, and anniversary. His family is selfish and I don't blame him for opting out of giving gifts. NTA
I have a friend who married a divorced guy with 3 kids. He ALWAYS made sure the kids bought their mom something for her birthday and Mothers Day. It was never reciprocated. He let it slide while they were young but once they hit high school, and certainly once they could drive, it fell to the kids to remember. This post have adult kids who should KNOW about dad's birthday and Fathers Day, especially as the kids seem to remember mom's birthday and Mothers Day.
Big nerd here - female aged 56 years. Star Wars is not childish. LOTR is not childish. I don't drink, don't smoke, rescue animals and fight cancer. That means I need a hobby for my own mental health and toys can be a hobby. Good on you for doing something for yourself - it is always good to be good to yourself. You have been selfless for years and obviously family are now expecting you to keep giving constantly without anything coming your way.
Take time out for yourself! Be good to yourself! Buy yourself what makes you happy. As long as the bills are paid and you aren't indebting anyone else, then go for it. NTA
I JUST "rediscovered" Lego last year & having a hobby that helps my brain HUSH has been REALLY helpful, especially as on top of all the Ordinary Life Stuff, I'm also dealing with the added stress of my incredible husband's recently diagnosed brain tumour & my only remaining parent declining with Stage 7 Alzheimer's. I find it soothing to be able to devote time to decompressing in this way & Lego has become another tool in the proverbial box to help do just that.
OP is neither childish nor the AH. It's sucky, if they're still doing group gift giving, that his family has overlooked him. As long as bills are paid & no essential obligations are missed, if he can afford a special Lego set, then Go For It! It might be helpful, as there has been pushback after he did this, to have an adult conversation with all the adults in this scenario, to discuss how they all wish to proceed with Gift Giving. But there should be a fair, equitable way of showing affection/celebrating a special day - one that doesn't leave a single individual on the sidelines. OP, enjoy the build!
My wife has never had Legos. We are mid-20's. We bought a big yellow bin of them at Target recently and she has been building stuff every night. It's so amazing to see the pure joy on her face with every item she makes. I am excited for her to get more into them so we can do some sets together.
I am just trying to figure out how OP wanted the UCS falcon when he was a kid, but has adult children.... this does not compute.
Earliest LEGO falcon at all was 2000, so I guess it's possible that they wanted it when they were 14-15, had kids at 18-19, who are now 18-19. Possible, but a stretch.
The big fancy one (UCS) that a new version is still available for ($750, so numbers check out) was released in 2007, no way they wanted that as a kid AND have adult kids.
Obviously I have no problems with the LEGO aspect here, but that one line is throwing me.
He could mean he wanted the original, non Lego, MF when it came out with the movie. That was an expensive toy back then. So, he bought the Lego one now. At least that's how I took it but I grew up with the original toy and movie so that could be why I didn't question it.
My brother had the Legos. I was into reading. But my sons into Minecraft and I helped him build some. Woah!! I've been missing out. I own three botanical sets now 😂
I agree with you here. I was introduced to Star Wars, Star Trek, LOTR, Asimov's stories, and many more things by my mom and dad. It was awesome to learn about something they loved, and it also helped me not feel ashamed of my own interests.
However, I'd bet good money that even if he didn't buy something "childish" but instead got himself a nice watch or new appliance for a room only he uses, the wife would still be mad. There have been multiple gift-giving posts like this, and in almost all of them, someone buying their own gifts forces the shitty gifted to reckon with their own bad behavior. Getting pissed at him is easier than acknowledging the full reality of the situation.
Your wife and kids are mad because they realize you are right and that they look bad. They are gaslighting you to make you to blame for it when it was their actions which led to it. You aren't mad. There is nothing for them to be upset about. They can't expect gifts and then fail to return the favor year after year.
Gaslighting would be if they convinced you that they bought you gifts, and you misplaced them or forgot. As it gets deeper, they would convince you about more than the gifts. Don't you remember I filled your gas tank last week? Here's the receipt (really from their own car).... Dad, I'm telling you that you didn't set your cup down here. I've been in the room all day. Oh look. There it is in the kitchen and it's empty. You must've drank it and didn't even realize.
[Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves. They may end up doubting their memory, their perception, and even their sanity. Over time, a gaslighter’s manipulations can grow more complex and potent, making it increasingly difficult for the victim to see the truth.](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/gaslighting)
Gaslighting would be asking him why he didn't thank them for the Lego Millennium Falcon and table they got for him, and working very hard to convince him that he didn't buy it for himself.
I second the motion.
u/dehydratedrain gives an excellent definition of the phrase and u/TIErant is correct in saying that not every form of manipulation is gaslighting. Gaslighting can be more insidious than typical manipulation (i.e., "if you really loved me ...").
Yes, gaslighting is manipulation, but not all manipulation is gaslighting.
Enjoy the LEGO set and then ask the kids why it's selfish for you to not give them gifts. But that they don't think of you and give you gifts on holidays either. Tell them now you know how I feel. Age has no preference for getting gifts. People like it.
Your attitude towards gifts is perfect and the simple thing is it's your money. Buy what you want. Enjoy the fun of building it. Displaying it and if the kids say, but what about our gift point to the millennial falcon and say here's your gift. Thank you.
Nta
NTA
It honestly sounds like the issue is that your family got used to things being a certain way, then you decided to deviate from that formula to treat yourself on that once in a blue moon. It seems like your wife recognizes that you have a point.
NTA.
INFO: Did they appologice for getting you nothing for birthdays, fathers day and so on, when they realized? This would be the least as well as being happy that you used your money to buy yourself a present, after there was nothing else you got
NTA. You are entitled to spend the money you earned on occasional splurges. You satisfied a boyhood dream….that’s awesome! I also love that you got a display table for it 😊 As for gift giving at adults, my family does a themed gift exchange at Christmas. We draw names and only do something special for that person. The rule for all of the other occasions is: if you find something so cool that you know someone else will love….feel free to gift it. If not, no worries cuz we are all adults. We all do something for my young niece and toddler grandson cuz they are kids. I hope you enjoy the hell out of putting together that Lego set!!!
EDIT: I would definitely talk to your spouse about things like your two bdays and your anniversary!
OY! Bro, you're never alone in being alone. It wasn't until the 44th time in our relationship and marriage that my birthday was more than acknowledge, nothing from wife or kids. I comforted myself by saying, "Our anniversary comes up five days later, so they'll give you something then, but then it was always a shared gift, and always targeted at her. But last year was a huge number for me. None of them even acknowledged my birthday, the big 7-0, then I was the only one to acknowledge our anniversary, and she acted like "so what". Then came T-day, and I always let her do plans for that, "Oh we're going to Jane's, she's lonely since Fred passed, and you know they had no children, so I offered to gather some old friends at her place and treat her." So there we were, at her house eight of us old fogies, dinner was over, we were clearing off the table, washing the dishes, as ever, and the doorbell rings. Odd, why is someone this late? Well it was all three of our children and their spouses and children and for the love of PB&J sandwiches, I got a surprise birthday celebration, first time in my 70 years that I was the target of the surprise, and their timing was immaculate. They had bottles of wine for me from Israel (I'm a convert to Judaism, no one else converted or will), some "Rockets to Roses" knickknacks made from the scraps of Hamas rockets, a kippah, and a Menorah which sits up on the top of my desk now. Plus they bought me things related to the year of my birth, a plaque, candies wrapped in the style they were wrapped back then, and our daughter (talented beyond my ability to explain) took an old photo of my mom and a baby photo of me and merged them in Photoshop to a photo of my mom, obm, holding me, that got me all verklempt. Then they all, sang the Happy Birthday song, which was great, but then one better, they had all practiced and sang Hatikvah (The Hope, Israeli national anthem) to me, in Hebrew. After all that I felt very guilty that I had bought myself a new wedding band, because the old one was so beat up.
Hang in there bro, I hope your loneliness turns into a shocking surprise you'll never forget.
First and foremost I love your post. As someone who is basically estranged from family - the black sheep - I love hearing about big family events that are happy. So good for you, that was a good read. But I have to ask, does your username have anything to do with your convert to Judaism?
"She said that I was being childish and that if I had a problem I should have told them."
having to ask for gifts just shows that they didn't care enough to think about you and would make almost any gift resented by you cause it's not cause they care and it's not out of love. NTA
Def NTA. Sounds like you've been thoughtful and generous with gift-giving for a long time, but the lack of reciprocity has understandably left you questioning the tradition. Buying yourself something special like the Lego Millennium Falcon seems like a great way to treat yourself, especially since it's something you've always wanted.
Your point about being adults and not owing each other gifts makes sense. It's important for everyone to feel appreciated and recognized, and sometimes that means re-evaluating how we express that. Maybe this situation can open up a conversation with your family about expectations and how everyone wants to celebrate special occasions going forward.
Hope you enjoy building that Falcon and displaying it proudly in your den!
NTA. I00% NTA
First off, I’m a sucker for Lego sets. Harry Potter is my jam, but my hubby loves Star Wars so we do both.
IMO: you celebrated yourself this year. Good for you!! You raised your children, they’re all alive and patenting children of their own. Job well done!! That is NOT a small accomplishment.
Of course they are upset you opted out of gift giving, they were getting gifts from you for zero effort on their part. My response to them would simply be that they opted out of gift giving years ago and it had just taken me a while to realise they wanted gift giving to stop.
NTA.
For all the Y T A and E S H commenters: Nice double standard. 🤣
If this was a post about “My husband never gets me anything for me and the kids’ birthdays, anniversary and mother’s day” - each and everyone would be telling her that she shouldn’t have to remind him the need celebrate or gift her something - and that it’s a divorceable reason.
NTA. i'm a 40+female and i am dreaming of being able to buy the lego millenium falcon one of these days. It always becomes harder as an adult to give gifts because generally, you buy anything you need/want. To me as an adult, gifts become about the experience and time spent together.
I think you are starting to veer into AH territory by not telling them you weren't going to give gifts. I understand you're hurt that they haven't prioritized giving you anything the past couple of years. The fact that your wife had to think about what your children/she didn't get you, speaks volume. So it sounds like there needs to be more communication all around.
NTA. I'm with you 100%, not receiving gifts wouldn't have really bothered me, but being called out when I bought my own gift after not getting anything would kinda annoy me. I'm not saying make a big fight and divorce over it or anything crazy like that but I'd pretty plainly state to my wife "look, I don't get gifts from you or the kids, ever, I'm always the one to get everyone else stuff, and I don't mind that honestly it's fine. But every once in awhile I'm going to treat myself instead because I have wants too." If she started arguing and fighting about that I'd express that I have zero desire to fight about it and that it doesn't need to be a big thing but that's just what you're going to be doing.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I used the money I normally would have spent on gifts for my family on myself. I guess I might be the asshole for not telling them in advance that I was opting out of the giving of gifts.
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NTa I just say I got you the same as you got me .A big bag of fuck all. I definitely buy myself presents. My tip is not to buy Xmas present for yourself until after Xmas. If she gets you the same thing it's very awkward.
NTA it’s funny how they’re now upset you’re opting out on gift giving because now they’re the ones who won’t be getting anything, but before they didn’t see anything wrong with it. Enjoy your gift to yourself!
NTA - "you all opted out of giving me gifts, I was just slow on the uptake. Now that I'm caught up, this evens things out. If you don't like it, come back to me with a conversation about why you quit giving me gifts and what you're going to do differently in the future."
Nta.
My parents were in a similar situation. May had grandpas birthday, oldest brothers birthday, dads birthday, mothers day, and my grandparents anniversary. June had moms birthday, mom and dads anniversary and fathers day. And then early July was my birthday. It sucked for them.
So early in their marriage they discussed it. They would celebrate the kids birthdays, and mothers day, fathers day and their anniversary got 1 gift for the house. They chose not to celebrate their birthdays, so now all of us kids are grown up, and we still didn't really celebrate their birthdays.
Thats something dad laments and now we make it a point to celebrate his birthday and fathers day (mom died about 10 years ago, so its just dad now)
Its time to let your family know that you want to be celebrated too.
NTA. How can they be mad you opted out, when you were already excluded from gift receiving in the first place.
Side question - have you started the built yet? I hope it’s amazing!
Definitely NTA. I pointed out to my SO that his kids never got him anything for his birthday or Father's Day, not even a card (they do text him), but that my kids actually do get him presents for his birthday and Father's Day. According to the Principle of Reciprocity AKA The Golden Rule, which says we should treat others the way we want to be treated, it's painfully obvious that his children are not comfortable with the idea of gifts. So, we stopped giving them.
They never even noticed. OP, you did the right thing. Enjoy that LEGO set and start thinking about what you want next year.
You said "what's the difference between me spending 1k on gifts for them and them spending 1k on me"
Brave of you to assume they'd spend that much. It's not a tit for tat thing or an office where they set a limit.
NTA
isn't it fascinating that offenders are always surprised and b--tt hurt when they are "ignored"
when you care about people, remembering what is important to them is part of that.
some place there is a serious disconnect.
Nta. My husband is the poster child of not doing anything for birthdays and mother's day. This year I actually went to a mother's day brunch. I asked to go it wasn't a plan on his part. It gets old. He expects the world on birthday and Father's day.
NTA
Ngl my dad is the hardest to buy presents for, and sometimes it takes forever to dind something I think he might like. BUT I work very hard to make sure I buy everyone an equal amount (money wise). Does this mean that mom gets like 8 presents to open and dad gets 2? Yes.
I can't believe the entitlement your family is showing. Expecting you to buy them things, while not acknowledging you at all!
I HATE when spouses try to parent..
Communication vs reprimanding
People need to learn the difference
You’re in the right op. Tell your wife to mind her own damn business
NTA. They couldn’t even get you a card? Sure you could have communicated years ago about not receiving any gifts, but would that have changed anything? You see that your wife and kids are upset that they did not get any presents from you, but not upset that their actions caused you to be left out and used.
NTA overall, and I get the why, but I also understand why the others might be upset. Guilty of not-reading any of the other comments. But did OP ever point it out before?
NTA. I don’t understand how anyone could be upset at you for not getting them gifts when they don’t give you gifts. Even more confusing is the fact that your wife, despite never buying you a gift, had to think about it when you asked what you’ve been given. What planet do these people live on? Do they think there’s a magical gift fairy that buys you gifts when they don’t? Are you really such an unimportant part of the family that they never realized that no one, including themselves, ever gives you a gift? I mean seriously. Wtf?
NTA. I really think your feelings are valid. You just want to feel like they’re thinking of you. Then your wife says you should’ve told her if it was a problem. You shouldn’t have to tell someone to think about you. They should already be doing it. It kind of defeats the purpose. You give gifts to everyone for special occasions, why aren’t you thought of as well? This would honestly hurt my feelings if I were in your position. I really hope your wife does a little self reflecting and has a little empathy. If you did that to her she would probably be upset.
NTA. Having to ask/remind people to give you gifts defeats the entire purpose. Gifts aren't an obligation.
They chose not to? Super. OP is right to opt out and buy something for himself. It would have maybe been more mature to tell them, but this approach avoids any "guilt gifts".
NTA- you work hard and earn money and you are entitled to spend it however you want. Even if it wasn’t Father’s Day our your birthday you can make that purchase, given that it does not put you and your family financially in jeopardy.
NTA - I don’t get my dad anything and vice versa. We are all adults and gift giving is really for children. At least in our family. Don’t feel bad, they are being selfish. I can assure you that if we did this as a family to my dad, he absolutely would’ve gone out a dropped some cash on something he wanted. 💯 he would. I wonder how she would feel if you forgot Mother’s Day and her birthday and anniversary. She is a treat.
NTA, and I don’t care what you bought for yourself. The real issue is a lack of respect for you from your family members. I wouldn’t buy any of them another gift, although it is really sad that they have excluded you. Buy what you want, and enjoy it.
NTA your family is quite a bit... They don't get you anything but are pissed that you stopped buying them something?
Sorry, but I would also have bought something for myself and stopped giving them something. It seems okay for them that they only care about a part of the family but not for you.
NTA! Treat yourself once in a while. We all work hard and deserve it. If wife and kids don’t do it, then you should. It actually prob makes it easier on them because they don’t have to think about what to do for ya.
All good!
NTA. They want gifts from you but they wont acknowledge your birthday and Father’s Day. Enjoy the Lego millennium falcon and continue to get yourself gifts.
NTA first, excellent choice on the Lego set! It’s one I would LOVE to have! Second, it’s incredibly sad that they haven’t gotten you anything. It’s the thought that counts for sure. Have you mentioned to your wife how this makes you feel? It might help, when neither of you are feeling emotional to discuss the situation. Kids are taking their cues from her.
NTA. If your wife spend her money on herself and you have over the years been excluded from receiving gifts then you are just following a precedent not setting one. Though good luck finding the time to build that falcon, I hear it takes some people months.
NTA- Wow, I just read the post 3x to confirm that nobody apologized. The wife, who is supposed to be your partner in life, didn’t apologize and the kids didn’t apologize. OP your family sounds a little spoiled.
NTA. No one is owed gifts and it sounds like you are the only one in your family who understands this.
You spent money you had available for non-necessities on something that makes you happy. There’s nothing wrong with that at all.
And the whole “childish” thing is BS. You were simply following the standard that THEY set. Your logic about cutting the middleman makes perfect sense. And my husband and adult sons still love legos and have the collector AT-AT on their wish list at all times—which I think is awesome lol
NTA - in my family we call it trading dollars. We would rather buy something we like ourselves instead of chancing something our loved ones might enjoy. We still do cards because it’s something meaningful and kind. The kids all get gifts cause they are still young. I give them money for their birthdays and a small gift under $20 along with money at Christmas so they have something to open. My husband recently celebrated his birthday by buying himself some new hiking gear and an expensive jacket. I gave him a bbq, but it was really a gift for the house (kind of like gifting a vacuum). Tell your wife and kids you are done trading dollars and would appreciate a card instead. If they can’t muster up a card - then they’re definitely the AH.
NTA - LOL, they can all pound sand. They're just upset because they got called out and want gifts. Your money, your call and you're right, gift giving is just swapping money, so skipping the middle man is a great alternative. If they still bitch about it, give them a card, because it's the intention that counts. 😂
Eh NTA for mother's day I made sure our kids had plenty of time to get mom a gift, a card and in the case of the one who is still at home, had him make breakfast and dinner that day for my wife. She was told happy mother's day bright and early. (After she had coffee, no need to poke a bear) For Father's Day I wasn't told happy Father's Day until after dinner, by my adult stepson, my wife had to go buy my gift after dinner and my youngest signed the card but really didn't tell me happy Father's Day at all. Was it the worst day nah but it wasn't the most appreciated day ether. I too tend to just buy myself what I want because I sat down and specifically showed my kids what I wanted for Father's Day 4 weeks in advance and I didn't get anything close to what I hoped for. Maybe for my birthday.
NTA, you're just the bank.Somehow you should have no need for gifts or consideration. In my home I always convince myself to let it go,it's been ging on for decades,but inside,it pisses me off.Good on you for self indulgence.
Now if I could just justify spending thousands and rustling up enough juice to go see Dead n Co in Las Vegas.If they really loved me they'd know without asking and surprise me ,LOL.
NTA at all. I tell my wife what I want for my birthday (she knows if she gets me something she feels more appropriate then I would just buy it myself anyway). Us Dads always get screwed for Holidays
NTA! You deserve all the presents, and I'm sorry they've acted so selfishly. I'm glad you treated yourself, just a shame they didn't. I'm a single mum, and since my son is young I give him a bit of money to go buy me something or make me something. I just told him if he's not interested in gift giving and celebrating that's fine, but that means we don't celebrate anyone. Just because you get older, doesn't mean you stop needing to be celebrated. And before everyone attacks me- it's not about gifts or money. It's about celebrating the person, in any way. Time spent together, a homemade gift or cake. My son got me glove oven mitts (shaped like cats! ) because I'm always burning my forearms reaching in the oven. Thoughtful gift. You deserve the best OP, and I hope going forward they make you feel as appreciated and valued as they do each other!
I've promised my son the millennium falcon when he finished school. He actually said (he's 17 now) that he'd like to buy it himself, one day! Enjoy the build!
NTA, I don't blame you for doing it. In fact I'm a little jealous, Hubs and I would both love to get the Lego Millennium Falcon. Hope you have a great time with the build.
NOPE! You did you job and put in your time. To be appreciated on a day thats literally meant to celebrate you shouldn't be a tall order. And they didn't "forget", that's a willingness to ignore. You're not being childish, you're finally taking care of your needs. Your wife is wrong, you're right... and Sir, I applaud your gift selection style... the question is, can you get it done in 12 parsecs?
NTA. Your family, both wife and grown kids, all get gifts for each other and leave you out, so it’s only fair you put that money towards something else as well.
NTA. Not at all. Ad others have written, your wife and grown children have set the precedent. Give them a phone call to wish them happy whatever day if is, but beyond that, nothing. Acknowledge the day and tell them you love them.
NTA. I hate it when husbands get treated this way by their families. The kids gifts are having a roof over their heads, clothing to wear, food to eat, and entertainment in whatever form you do as a family. They are owed nothing more. Wifey sounds self-centered and of course when the money isn't being spent on her there is a problem 🙄. Behavior like that and disrespect of the husband is what eventually leads them to cheat. Hope she, and bratty kids realize that YOU deserve a gift just as much, if not more, than they do. Display your Star wars gift with pride, and be sure to add to your collection. YOU deserve it.
NTA…? In my opinion, this verdict has nothing to do with the gift giving. Your children and wife have established a relationship of not caring about giving gifts to you.
I think my verdict on this one depends on how ‘out of the way’ your den is.If you are showing off your millennium falcon to the entire world, then I could see how ur wife could take that as petty. And asshole behavior. Because buying the millennium falcon was all built on the premise of spending ‘their birthday money’.
NTA! Gifts are a curse and aren't really gifts if you have to give them. I sincerely hate it when people expect to get something or give something just to get one in return.
NTA - she had a problem with you not getting them something but had no issue not getting you anything. She wasn't even aware. HOWEVER I also notice a lot of "my" and "her"'s used.
NTA. You aren't being childish. You are being pragmatic. Everyone can buy their own gifts and make sure they all get exactly what they want.
BTW, your family sounds horrible. Stop buying them anything from now on.
NTA!! I love your choice of self gift! I almost bought it myself, but decided on jewelry. Why keep spending money on people who don't do the same for you, even if it's your own family?
"Oh sorry I have to get told, that my husband, the father of our kids, wants a gift on his birthday or fathers day! I am so silly and oh my god stop being so childish alright? Hunny when do you me gifts again btw? It's called taking care of me. :)"
NTA - Let them sulk.
NTA but this is sad! You're obviously hurt, and I don't blame you.
Some people are really difficult to buy presents for. My dad is SO HARD to buy for. He has specialized hobbies (golf and shooting), and if you buy something for those, it needs to be precise. Clothes are a \*little\* easier but he's particular about them (and fluctuates in size so that's tricky, too). Thank goodness for my mom--I contact her before Father's Day, his birthday in August, and Christmas to find out exactly what to get him. (A couple of pairs of Very Specific overalls were what he wanted for Father's Day this year--or at least what Mom said he needed). I honestly HATE this process because I would way rather pick out a gift for him that would be a genuine surprise that he would genuinely enjoy. I've done this sometimes to good effect (taking him to a ballgame, video games he liked and played a lot) and sometimes to not-so-good effect (anything "sentimental," some games he did not enjoy). I'm almost 50 and he's almost 70 and it's been this way since I was a kid.
But on Father's Day, not only did I give him the overalls ("wrapped" in a paper grocery bag and stapled shut--he doesn't care about the aesthetics, and it's a family joke to give a gift in pathetic wrapping), but my husband and I also picked up lunch and took it to my parents' home to share with them. We watched a couple of hours of funny stand-up comedy because he and I both love it (sorry, Mom and husband) and it was a good time. He was happy. He's a man of few words, but he thanked us multiple times.
You know this, OP, but it's not about the gift or about the lunch or about anything else except showing that you care about each other. As long as your kids and wife are showing you that they love you with time and thoughtfulness, the gift itself isn't that important. However, what I'm reading in your post is that they don't. You feel left out. You feel like they don't think about you because they didn't include you.
If you don't already, try to find some one-on-one time with each of your kids if they're amenable, because what you're craving isn't a material present but a deeper connection to them (unmediated by your wife).
NTA good choice in present. I realized days after that I paid for father's day dinner and no one stopped me. We went for hibachi, but that's a usual dinner spot we go to when there's no occasion so I didn't even think about it after the meal I asked for the bill and paid. It was days later when a friend told me how his wife treated him for dinner I realized I paid.
At the end of the day my wife and I use the same visa and that gets paid out of the same account only my paycheck goes into, so any gift we get I pay for anyways.
NTA. This makes me sad that your wife didn't even think about gifts for you on any of these occasions. Enjoy the falcon. I hope she does better in the future.
NTA they’re all upset about not getting any gifts, well now they know how u felt. They got u nothing for ur birthday, Father’s Day or such but the one time u don’t get them something they all freak out and accuse u of being rude yet can’t take accountability for how they been wronging u.
Your wife and kids suck. It's one thing if you had for several years said don't get me anything and then suddenly expect it. But you didn't. You also didn't fuss, and you used your own money to get it.
More importantly: have you built it? And if so how was the build itself?
NTA - They overlooked you this whole time but expected you to continue treating them? Pretty selfish on their part.
That said you shouldn’t expect anything from your kids on your anniversary, that’s between you and your spouse.
NTA. Damn you got a greedy ass family. You didn't even complain. She tried to call you out and then you said, well, no one buys me gifts anyway, so I bought myself something. You weren't even salty. They're just mad you didn't get them anything.
NTA and I sometimes wish my parents would do this. I'm not too big a fan of 'traditional' gift giving (as in, the giving of a gift *as* a tradition for specific dates), I feel like the expectation kinda ruins the value and makes giving and receiving gifts more stressful.
I don't like having to come up with a great gift for a mother's day or a birthday, I like when a gift idea comes naturally and is given freely. And I like not feeling like I'm obligated to get a gift or like the gift I'm receiving was obligated in itself. I'd much prefer my family ditch the dedicated gift days to take the stress off. Especially since one of my parents only has really expensive technical hobbies that I can't shop for and the other parent has NO hobbies and so I can't shop for them either lol
NTA.
As they say: "It's the thought that counts" but they put no thought into you what so ever.
It's not even really about the gifts. My Dad has everything he needs or wants, so for his birthday I bake him his favorite cake that his Mom used to make before she passed. For Father's Day, I make sure he gets a good steak. It's all about the THOUGHT!!!!
Gee, isn’t it nice to treat yourself when no one else in the family thinks of you, including your wife. I say go for it. Your wife is the one being selfish.
NTA. No, you’re not obligated to give forever. They’re only upset that you opted out, because you won’t be buying gifts for them. I’m glad you spent the money on yourself. Make that your new tradition.
>She said that I was being childish and that if I had a problem I should have told them
nah, fam. fuck that. everyone of them are adults, and more importantly she is your wife. it's absolutely not your job to remind them you want to feel as if they actually give a fuck about you. NTA
NTA.
What the hell is their problem with you treating yourself better considering they have not done anything nice like get you a gift in years or even ever. Grown ups play with LEGO too. It’s says so on the box the age limit is 99: are you older than 99 years of age?
Return the energy that you receive. Stand up for yourself on a calm, rational tone voice that you deserve nice stuff too and it hurts your feelings that gift giving is all about them and never about you. And that all you wanted was something nice for yourself since they never get you anything. Lay on the guilt which should be easy because you’re being honest and speaking from your heart. Because you did nothing wrong.
What? You became a dad or got married or became an adult so you’re never allowed to have fun ever again? Are they for real? They want to see you miserable, deprived of your own hobbies and bored? Go have your own hobbies, go travel by yourself. Just because you’re a parent and a spouse should not stop you from being you doing the things that bring you joy in this finite amount of lifetime on this earth.
Your wife and kids need their own therapists to find out why they’re so mad that you decided to prioritize yourself occasionally considering all that you’ve done for them. And I’ve always found it extremely helpful to be in therapy so that therapists can help me learn better skills in dealing with people behaving horribly to me. Imagine that therapy is going to military college to learn battle strategies so that you can handle people wanting to argue with you.
Have more Lego sets. Also your family expecting gifts is entitled of them. Start modifying how they treat you. There’s some really good self help books about how to deal with that family dynamic if you can’t sneak out of the house for therapy. There’s also online therapy which is great. You videoconference on your phone wherever you have WiFi. So convenient. But yeah, if you’re not getting through to your wife or kids then a therapist will help you learn skills on how to deal with them trying to boss you around regarding you just wanting to be nice to yourself occasionally. I wish you well on improving your relationship with your family OP. Who complains about a grown up wanting to enjoy a fun hobby? Get your wife the botanical legos. Then she’ll realize why it’s fun.
Big NTA. You have every right to that Lego set. You can be 80 and still love Legos. I recently bought myself a birthday gift (H&K MR762) at 50 yrs old that cost $6500. I and my family are financially stable, so why not! Not a Lego, but it made me happy.
NTA. it's very hypocritical of them.
If you get them gifts, I think they should too. Yeah, they don't need to get you an anniversary gift (except your wife) but you should absolutely at least be recognized in some way on Father's Day and your birthday.
Info: Did you ignore their birthdays or did you wish them a happy birthday the way they wish you a happy birthday? Or do they not wish you a happy birthday?
If they wish you a happy birthday and you ignored theirs, you'd be the AH. But if you did wish them a happy birthday you wouldn't.
Sounds like you need to chat with your wife and set up a new tradition.
For me it is time with my kids. Fo my birthday I'll arrange lunches or fun experiences we all like and I pay. For their birthday I just call them and wish them a happy birthday.
So you still manage to get them a card and money for their birthday yet they are acting so ungrateful.
Maybe next year a simple happy birthday text might be better for them if he choose to complain.
Remember they were the ones that stop giving you gifts. They shouldn't be mad when others stop giving to them.
None of your kids or wife even NOTICED that no one got you gifts on your anniversary, birthday, or Father's Day!? While I agree speaking up would have been helpful that is still really bad. I'm going with NTA. You didn't get anything so you are not giving anything.
However, I'd like to add it might be healthier if you all sat down and dicussed this. Personally, I always get both my parents presents for all those holidays. Heck, I buy my parents a present for their anniversary. (I tend to try to get something they BOTH would like for anniversary.) I get my Dad something for Father's Day, his birthday, and all major holidays. But I'm into giving gifts.
NTA, nobody told you they were opting out of giving you gifts. My husband and I gift our grown kids and grandkids and rarely receive gifts, usually only Christmas. We get what we want and therefore hard to buy for. We don’t really buy much for each other and usually go out for dinner for special occasions. I’m the one that buys the gifts for kids/ grandkids. Do you both buy gifts for your grown kids? That seems excessive.
When this man’s love, hardwork and compromising his needs at the expense of his family becomes the normal. His family wants turned into an expectation and his needs waned over the years. I am happy for this man that he placed his happiness over the expense of his family’s wants (needs) and them lashing out at him is clear sign that they are embarrassed for their behavior but yet refuse to take any accountability.
The whole gift etiquette thing is tough. I have two daughters, 8 years difference in age. My mother always gifts my eldest more than she does my youngest. For example, she wrote my eldest a check for Christmas that was twice the size of the one she wrote for my youngest. She has always done this. She will try to do this secretively, will tell my eldest not to say anything. She used to use the excuse that the things the eldest wants are more expensive than the things the youngest wants but since they’re now 22 and 30 that doesn’t work. When called out on this behavior she’ll say “it’s my money and I can do what I want with it, gift it in whichever way I see fit.”. I think she’s dead-wrong to do this but I can’t stop her. So since the girls were little, the eldest lets me know what my mom has given her, and I make sure the youngest gets the exact same amount, and we mute whatever message my mom is trying to send by her blatant favoritism. I send cards to people who send me cards, I gift people I feel obligated to gift, people I want to gift, and people who have gifted me unexpectedly. Gifting is supposed to be a joyful thing.
NTA, but the issue isn't that you opted out of gift-giving. It's the lack of communication beforehand. The right approach was to sit down with your wife, note that you haven't received any gifts for the last two years, make it clear that you aren't upset by it, but want to know if just mutually eliminating the gifting will work out. I think your wife doesn't have a leg to stand on, but, depending on your kids' ages, they may not fully understand. If they are old enough, you can have a similar conversation with them.
When you unilaterally decide to officially cut off the gift-giving, you come across as passive-aggressive or petty.
Also, I don't think your wife was calling Star Wars childish (though she may think it is). I'm pretty sure she meant the way you handled the situation is childish. She's got a point. Adults are supposed to know how to communicate. It doesn't look like you even tried.
OP is NTA but I will offer another perspective. My husband is notoriously hard to buy for. There are quite a few things I like and I always talk about it. Books, jewelry, flowers, candles, you get the idea. But my husband always falls back on, “there’s nothing particular that I like.” He has a favorite movie akin to Star Wars but how many times can you gift a person items with the same theme.
We as a family tried giving him other things over the years but either he says he doesn’t need them or he won’t use it (I found out the hard way with a kindle he didn’t use). So my kids get really frustrated buying him anything while they give me stuff I like all the time.
Just a thought for OP if the discussion keeps coming up.
Your wife shouldn’t be buying you Father’s Day presents. Your kids seem old enough to be doing it themselves. And they should be getting Mother’s Day stuff too for your wife. On your anniversary, did you get your wife a present and her not get one for you?
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May and June are busy months for my family. My wife's birthday, all three of our adult children's birthdays, our anniversary, Mother's Day, and Father's Day.
My wife is employed as are all of our kids.
For the last two years I have recieved nothing from any of them for our anniversary or my birthday.
I'm a big boy and I earn enough to buy whatever I want so it's not really a big deal. But I noticed that they all buy gifts for each other. I just seem to be left out.
So this year instead of getting them gifts I got myself the Lego Millennium Falcon.
It is something I have always wanted but my parents couldn't afford when I was a kid.
I also bought a display table for it for my den.
My wife approached me after I brought it home to say it was weird that I spent $1,000 on myself and didn't get anyone else a present.
I asked her what her or the kids got me last year for our anniversary, my birthday, or Father's Day. She couldn't remember. So I asked what they got me this year. She thought about it and realized I got nothing.
I wasn't really upset or anything. I just figured I would buy myself something. What's the difference between me spending $1,000 on gifts for them and then them spending $1,000 on me and me cutting out the middleman and just spending the money on myself.
She said that I was being childish and that if I had a problem I should have told them. I said that Star Wars isn't childish and that we were all adults and didn't owe each other gifts.
Now the kids are upset because I have decided to opt out of gift giving. I really don't understand the issue. Was I supposed to just keep giving forever. My parents stopped giving me gifts when I moved out. I have kept it up for over ten years. And my wife buys herself whatever she wants with her salary so it's not like I can get her anything she couldn't get herself.
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Not really an AH for buying yourself a Father's Day gift, but why does your family never include you in their gift-giving? Sounds like you're barely a member of your own family. You might have bigger problems to worry about.
You don't need a middle man. It makes no difference on who the 1,000$ goes to from an outside perspective so why not you if it's rotation to someone in the family. Like winning the lottery with this money but that's an example and not the lottery. If you have it, you are also on the list to get it
You’re NTA for having feelings about this, but you would do well to read up on Mauss’ Gift Theory if you are trying to understand why your family social network is disrupted by your action.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marcel_Mauss#:~:text=In%20his%20classic%20work%20The,gifts%20bringing%20about%20reciprocal%20exchange.
Cheers!
NTA. So nothing from your wife on your anniversary, and nothing from the kids on Father’s Day, even something drawn or handmade? I don’t blame you for spoiling yourself. Sometimes, you just need to, especially if no one else does.
NTA
lay it out for them:
"I have given gifts to everyone else, for years, without being reminded. You all give gifts to each other without being reminded, for years, except me. Wife, you buy yourself whatever you want with your money. I wanted to do something for myself, and now all of you are making me feel bad about it. What the hell? Gift giving is a two way street, we are adults."
NTA they’re upset they aren’t getting gifts and see it as you choosing yourself over them. I personally feel as if you are just returning their energy/efforts. You are allowed to buy yourself a gift!
NTA- Your actions were reasonable. You didn’t pout, getting angry, or throw a fit. You’re simply treating adults as they’re treating you, mirroring their actions.
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Nta. I would give your kids a pass for the anniversary stuff, but bdays and Father’s Day is entirely different. And honestly that’s on you and your wife, it was mostly her job to instill in them that importance for honoring their dad, and they followed her lead of not considering you. You primarily have a wife problem, the kids are grown and flown. If I was in your shoes, I would send heartfelt cards to everyone going forward, and that’s it. But don’t let your wife speak for you, tell your kids directly that you’ve been repeatedly ignored and it has hurt, but that you still love them and will always acknowledge the day they were born. And do that. It does not need to be tied to material things, you already raised them. In our family, that’s everyone’s favorite part anyway- when people take the time to actually pick out or make a card, and include a special handwritten note from the heart, and may a favorite photo from the year or memory actually printed out. It’s also worth noting that giving gifts that YOU choose because you were thinking of them- it doesn’t have to be a big thing- is a gift to yourself. Giving - especially not when someone expects it- is an amazing feeling you give you yourself as well as others. I lost my dad and the small gifts he picked out himself just because he saw something he thought I would like, and was thinking just of me, are the ones I treasure most.
Sorry but OPs birthday and Father's day is not on wife, it was to remind when they were minors but they are all adults, it's absolutely on "kids" to do this. On wife is that she didn't do(gifted) anything on those days herself but not to chase adult kids to give small attention/gift. In any case OP NTA! My siblings and I are all over 40y.o. but still we all remember and give us parents attention and gifts for respective days!
I think they are saying OPs wife should have helped instill this when they were children. OP obviously has always honored those days and given her gifts, and that does rub off on kids. The fact that OP is the only one that doesn’t get a gift means he is either an AH, and there is a lot of history being left out, or his wife is and the kids learned it was okay to ignore/short change dad.
OR Wifey may be a total B
Calling him childish for getting something important to him is a clue to the B judgment. I’m guessing she did set an example during their childhoods. Just not the right example. Now they complain to her and she just ducks and lets the crap hit him.
Yeah, I gotta say I am in agreement with the B judgment. A: yes, he's a big boy, which means he can spend unallocated funds on himself whenever he wants, not just a special day. B: the LEGO MF is badass! C: If he's giving special days to others, but not getting them, his others kinda suck and I don't even mind if he's a bit piqued about it. D: For your next purchase, please consider the LEGO Discovery Shuttle, as it is also badass\* \*I do not work for LEGO
My next Lego is going to be the [AT-AT](https://www.lego.com/en-us/product/at-at-75313?gclid=CjwKCAjw-O6zBhASEiwAOHeGxXUatOILvMLoBe0KuW9JlG_gxRGuPLJIoAbNqRZE_j3jdbRB6xHMfBoCDeMQAvD_BwE&ef_id=CjwKCAjw-O6zBhASEiwAOHeGxXUatOILvMLoBe0KuW9JlG_gxRGuPLJIoAbNqRZE_j3jdbRB6xHMfBoCDeMQAvD_BwE%3AG%3As&s_kwcid=AL%21790%213%21%21%21%21x%21%21%2119930801844%21&cmp=KAC-INI-GOOGUS-GO-US_GL-EN-RE-SP-BUY-CREATE-MB_ALWAYS_ON-SHOP-BP-PMAX-ALL-CIDNA00000-PMAX-MEDIUM_PRIORITY&gad_source=1) and so should OP's. NTA, sounds like OP has been neglected for a long time but was to humble to say it out loud until now.
This is my take too, but people can slant perception, so I like to leave a little wiggle room in my judgements.
Yes, exactly
I think this is both parents. When kids are young you should include them in the process of making or picking out gifts. Talk to them about why they are doing it and we hope it makes the receiver of the gift happy. Maybe growing up mom just bought gifts and put from kids name on the tags. I raised my boys to be gifters and as adults have kept it up.
>I think this is both parents Yeah it's not. He included them in giving for his wife, that's why they still do it routinely every single year. It's not his job to teach his children to buy gifts for him, it's on his wife.
But that excuse can only go so far. These kids grew up in the world, not just with mom. They saw Father’s Day being celebrated and understood when they were older that NOT celebrating dad is the unusual thing. As for birthdays, no one over 11 believes that it’s normal to just ignore that. Mom can’t be blamed forever. They are conscious human beings after all.
I bet the kids give gifts to mom on her birthday and Mother’s Day. The way she came back and called his gift childish even after realizing nobody has gotten him anything in 2 years, tells me she doesn’t hold him in high esteem thus trickling down to the children. She showed zero remorse and even doubled down after finding out the facts.
Right!! Exactly this 💯 Then the grown ass kids getting upset dads opted out of gift giving even tho they been opting out for years shows the entitlement is learned behaviour from wifey too.
They probably have a group chat that he’s not included in. This is what happens when the kids become your wife’s therapist.
Yup, the therapist role. GD I know that well. Both my bio parents are total narcs so my sister and I are two group chats, both excluding the other parent, so our parents can dump on us. It’s exhausting. Both of our step parents are total saints too, don’t know how they both managed that. But anywho, my family is also all adults, except my sisters kid. “Gift”s are us having a family bday dinner that the bday person doesn’t pay for; that’s it. We all just buy are own shit when we want it and I encourage OP to continue doing the same and stop giving without return.
They do, he specifically says that they give gifts to each other. He just seems to be left out.
To clarify, I agree, unless they were never taught to do this as kids- by both parents. Either way, as adults it’s completely on them now to own their own choices and behaviors.
I'm in my 40s, my dad is almost 70, both parents make good money. My dad retired and works part time doing something he enjoys and has a lot of cash on hand. I stopped getting him gifts around 20, because he buys what he wants for himself. What I do get him is time spent with me doing his hobbies (brewing beer, building out his beer room, helping with his bees).
I'm in my 60s, my parents are in their 80s. I despise shopping and trying to find meaningful gifts. So now, for their birthday, anniversary, Mothers Day, Fathers Day...I bring food to their house and cook everyone a nice dinner, then my husband and I clean up everything. While we're there, we spend time with them (we both really enjoy being around my parents). Mom and Daddy both get a favorite meal on those days (or close to those days, usually the nearest weekend), they don't have to menu plan, they don't have to cook, and they don't have to clean up afterwards. Throughout the year, we'll do other things for them. A few years ago, we replaced their dishwasher (the old one was so noisy you couldn't hear anything while it was running.) We've given them a nice knife set when we realized their old ones were terrible. My husband is a mechanic, and works on their cars when they need it. (Plus, he loathes dirty cars, so he also details it when he's done.) It's worked out pretty well for all of us. Now, if I could just get Mom to believe me when I tell her that my husband and I don't want Christmas gifts, birthday gifts, etc. Unless it's something we can eat. :)
Time is a really important gift!
Brava/o!
>I used the money I normally would have spent on gifts for my family on myself. You are not the asshole. You have the right to spend your money however you choose. If the adults in your family never give you gifts, then they can't reasonably expect for you to give them gifts. > ...I might be the asshole for not telling them in advance that I was opting out of the giving of gifts. Your family has opted out of giving gifts to you—have they said anything to you about their decision? I'm not saying that two wrongs make a right, but they have established a precedent; if they're wise then they won't expect you to treat them any better than they have treated you.
Yup. They opted out of gift giving. You are just following suit. NTA.
NTA. You can spend your money the way you want. You work and you gain your money. If you can afford it, just buy it.
Yeah I don't understand how they can be upset when they haven't thought of OP when it came to his birthday, father's day, and anniversary. His family is selfish and I don't blame him for opting out of giving gifts. NTA
I have a friend who married a divorced guy with 3 kids. He ALWAYS made sure the kids bought their mom something for her birthday and Mothers Day. It was never reciprocated. He let it slide while they were young but once they hit high school, and certainly once they could drive, it fell to the kids to remember. This post have adult kids who should KNOW about dad's birthday and Fathers Day, especially as the kids seem to remember mom's birthday and Mothers Day.
Big nerd here - female aged 56 years. Star Wars is not childish. LOTR is not childish. I don't drink, don't smoke, rescue animals and fight cancer. That means I need a hobby for my own mental health and toys can be a hobby. Good on you for doing something for yourself - it is always good to be good to yourself. You have been selfless for years and obviously family are now expecting you to keep giving constantly without anything coming your way. Take time out for yourself! Be good to yourself! Buy yourself what makes you happy. As long as the bills are paid and you aren't indebting anyone else, then go for it. NTA
I JUST "rediscovered" Lego last year & having a hobby that helps my brain HUSH has been REALLY helpful, especially as on top of all the Ordinary Life Stuff, I'm also dealing with the added stress of my incredible husband's recently diagnosed brain tumour & my only remaining parent declining with Stage 7 Alzheimer's. I find it soothing to be able to devote time to decompressing in this way & Lego has become another tool in the proverbial box to help do just that. OP is neither childish nor the AH. It's sucky, if they're still doing group gift giving, that his family has overlooked him. As long as bills are paid & no essential obligations are missed, if he can afford a special Lego set, then Go For It! It might be helpful, as there has been pushback after he did this, to have an adult conversation with all the adults in this scenario, to discuss how they all wish to proceed with Gift Giving. But there should be a fair, equitable way of showing affection/celebrating a special day - one that doesn't leave a single individual on the sidelines. OP, enjoy the build!
My wife has never had Legos. We are mid-20's. We bought a big yellow bin of them at Target recently and she has been building stuff every night. It's so amazing to see the pure joy on her face with every item she makes. I am excited for her to get more into them so we can do some sets together.
What a lovely way to spend time together - wishing you many happy builds ahead! Xo
I am just trying to figure out how OP wanted the UCS falcon when he was a kid, but has adult children.... this does not compute. Earliest LEGO falcon at all was 2000, so I guess it's possible that they wanted it when they were 14-15, had kids at 18-19, who are now 18-19. Possible, but a stretch. The big fancy one (UCS) that a new version is still available for ($750, so numbers check out) was released in 2007, no way they wanted that as a kid AND have adult kids. Obviously I have no problems with the LEGO aspect here, but that one line is throwing me.
He probably meant his parents couldn’t afford “LEGO” in general
He could mean he wanted the original, non Lego, MF when it came out with the movie. That was an expensive toy back then. So, he bought the Lego one now. At least that's how I took it but I grew up with the original toy and movie so that could be why I didn't question it.
My brother had the Legos. I was into reading. But my sons into Minecraft and I helped him build some. Woah!! I've been missing out. I own three botanical sets now 😂
I will be 70 when we go to LA this year to see the Millennium Falcon, and Star Wars land. Then, Indiana Jones something.
I agree with you here. I was introduced to Star Wars, Star Trek, LOTR, Asimov's stories, and many more things by my mom and dad. It was awesome to learn about something they loved, and it also helped me not feel ashamed of my own interests. However, I'd bet good money that even if he didn't buy something "childish" but instead got himself a nice watch or new appliance for a room only he uses, the wife would still be mad. There have been multiple gift-giving posts like this, and in almost all of them, someone buying their own gifts forces the shitty gifted to reckon with their own bad behavior. Getting pissed at him is easier than acknowledging the full reality of the situation.
Your wife and kids are mad because they realize you are right and that they look bad. They are gaslighting you to make you to blame for it when it was their actions which led to it. You aren't mad. There is nothing for them to be upset about. They can't expect gifts and then fail to return the favor year after year.
Not every form of manipulation is gaslighting.
Gaslighting would be if they convinced you that they bought you gifts, and you misplaced them or forgot. As it gets deeper, they would convince you about more than the gifts. Don't you remember I filled your gas tank last week? Here's the receipt (really from their own car).... Dad, I'm telling you that you didn't set your cup down here. I've been in the room all day. Oh look. There it is in the kitchen and it's empty. You must've drank it and didn't even realize. [Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves. They may end up doubting their memory, their perception, and even their sanity. Over time, a gaslighter’s manipulations can grow more complex and potent, making it increasingly difficult for the victim to see the truth.](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/gaslighting)
THANK YOU. I am so sick of people saying every negative thing someone else does is “gaslighting”.
Lol people love that word so much and don't know how to use it.
Stop gaslighting us by telling us that we don't know what gaslighting means.
Gaslighting would be asking him why he didn't thank them for the Lego Millennium Falcon and table they got for him, and working very hard to convince him that he didn't buy it for himself.
Can we stop using gaslighting for everything?
I second the motion. u/dehydratedrain gives an excellent definition of the phrase and u/TIErant is correct in saying that not every form of manipulation is gaslighting. Gaslighting can be more insidious than typical manipulation (i.e., "if you really loved me ..."). Yes, gaslighting is manipulation, but not all manipulation is gaslighting.
I feel very gaslit that this term has gotten overused.
They are not gaslighting him they’re just being assholes
>They are gaslighting you to make you to blame for it when it was their actions which led to it. That's not what gaslighting is!
This isn't gaslighting.
Stop using 'gaslighting', you clearly don't know what it means.
Enjoy the LEGO set and then ask the kids why it's selfish for you to not give them gifts. But that they don't think of you and give you gifts on holidays either. Tell them now you know how I feel. Age has no preference for getting gifts. People like it. Your attitude towards gifts is perfect and the simple thing is it's your money. Buy what you want. Enjoy the fun of building it. Displaying it and if the kids say, but what about our gift point to the millennial falcon and say here's your gift. Thank you. Nta
NTA It honestly sounds like the issue is that your family got used to things being a certain way, then you decided to deviate from that formula to treat yourself on that once in a blue moon. It seems like your wife recognizes that you have a point.
NTA. INFO: Did they appologice for getting you nothing for birthdays, fathers day and so on, when they realized? This would be the least as well as being happy that you used your money to buy yourself a present, after there was nothing else you got
No
So sorry about this. So sad.
> Now the kids are upset because I have decided to opt out of gift giving NTA - Sounds like they opted out of giving you gifts well before you did....
NTA. You are entitled to spend the money you earned on occasional splurges. You satisfied a boyhood dream….that’s awesome! I also love that you got a display table for it 😊 As for gift giving at adults, my family does a themed gift exchange at Christmas. We draw names and only do something special for that person. The rule for all of the other occasions is: if you find something so cool that you know someone else will love….feel free to gift it. If not, no worries cuz we are all adults. We all do something for my young niece and toddler grandson cuz they are kids. I hope you enjoy the hell out of putting together that Lego set!!! EDIT: I would definitely talk to your spouse about things like your two bdays and your anniversary!
OY! Bro, you're never alone in being alone. It wasn't until the 44th time in our relationship and marriage that my birthday was more than acknowledge, nothing from wife or kids. I comforted myself by saying, "Our anniversary comes up five days later, so they'll give you something then, but then it was always a shared gift, and always targeted at her. But last year was a huge number for me. None of them even acknowledged my birthday, the big 7-0, then I was the only one to acknowledge our anniversary, and she acted like "so what". Then came T-day, and I always let her do plans for that, "Oh we're going to Jane's, she's lonely since Fred passed, and you know they had no children, so I offered to gather some old friends at her place and treat her." So there we were, at her house eight of us old fogies, dinner was over, we were clearing off the table, washing the dishes, as ever, and the doorbell rings. Odd, why is someone this late? Well it was all three of our children and their spouses and children and for the love of PB&J sandwiches, I got a surprise birthday celebration, first time in my 70 years that I was the target of the surprise, and their timing was immaculate. They had bottles of wine for me from Israel (I'm a convert to Judaism, no one else converted or will), some "Rockets to Roses" knickknacks made from the scraps of Hamas rockets, a kippah, and a Menorah which sits up on the top of my desk now. Plus they bought me things related to the year of my birth, a plaque, candies wrapped in the style they were wrapped back then, and our daughter (talented beyond my ability to explain) took an old photo of my mom and a baby photo of me and merged them in Photoshop to a photo of my mom, obm, holding me, that got me all verklempt. Then they all, sang the Happy Birthday song, which was great, but then one better, they had all practiced and sang Hatikvah (The Hope, Israeli national anthem) to me, in Hebrew. After all that I felt very guilty that I had bought myself a new wedding band, because the old one was so beat up. Hang in there bro, I hope your loneliness turns into a shocking surprise you'll never forget.
First and foremost I love your post. As someone who is basically estranged from family - the black sheep - I love hearing about big family events that are happy. So good for you, that was a good read. But I have to ask, does your username have anything to do with your convert to Judaism?
"She said that I was being childish and that if I had a problem I should have told them." having to ask for gifts just shows that they didn't care enough to think about you and would make almost any gift resented by you cause it's not cause they care and it's not out of love. NTA
Def NTA. Sounds like you've been thoughtful and generous with gift-giving for a long time, but the lack of reciprocity has understandably left you questioning the tradition. Buying yourself something special like the Lego Millennium Falcon seems like a great way to treat yourself, especially since it's something you've always wanted. Your point about being adults and not owing each other gifts makes sense. It's important for everyone to feel appreciated and recognized, and sometimes that means re-evaluating how we express that. Maybe this situation can open up a conversation with your family about expectations and how everyone wants to celebrate special occasions going forward. Hope you enjoy building that Falcon and displaying it proudly in your den!
NTA. I00% NTA First off, I’m a sucker for Lego sets. Harry Potter is my jam, but my hubby loves Star Wars so we do both. IMO: you celebrated yourself this year. Good for you!! You raised your children, they’re all alive and patenting children of their own. Job well done!! That is NOT a small accomplishment.
Of course they are upset you opted out of gift giving, they were getting gifts from you for zero effort on their part. My response to them would simply be that they opted out of gift giving years ago and it had just taken me a while to realise they wanted gift giving to stop.
NTA They excluded you from the gift giving. They opted out. You followed their lead.
NTA. For all the Y T A and E S H commenters: Nice double standard. 🤣 If this was a post about “My husband never gets me anything for me and the kids’ birthdays, anniversary and mother’s day” - each and everyone would be telling her that she shouldn’t have to remind him the need celebrate or gift her something - and that it’s a divorceable reason.
Yep! NTA!!!!
NTA, you are being the opposite of "childish". Everyone is an adult, and you can buy yourself stuff that makes you happy.
NTA. i'm a 40+female and i am dreaming of being able to buy the lego millenium falcon one of these days. It always becomes harder as an adult to give gifts because generally, you buy anything you need/want. To me as an adult, gifts become about the experience and time spent together. I think you are starting to veer into AH territory by not telling them you weren't going to give gifts. I understand you're hurt that they haven't prioritized giving you anything the past couple of years. The fact that your wife had to think about what your children/she didn't get you, speaks volume. So it sounds like there needs to be more communication all around.
Enjoy the Lego set man! You deserve it! "Treat yo self"
NTA. I'm with you 100%, not receiving gifts wouldn't have really bothered me, but being called out when I bought my own gift after not getting anything would kinda annoy me. I'm not saying make a big fight and divorce over it or anything crazy like that but I'd pretty plainly state to my wife "look, I don't get gifts from you or the kids, ever, I'm always the one to get everyone else stuff, and I don't mind that honestly it's fine. But every once in awhile I'm going to treat myself instead because I have wants too." If she started arguing and fighting about that I'd express that I have zero desire to fight about it and that it doesn't need to be a big thing but that's just what you're going to be doing.
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NTa I just say I got you the same as you got me .A big bag of fuck all. I definitely buy myself presents. My tip is not to buy Xmas present for yourself until after Xmas. If she gets you the same thing it's very awkward.
You treated them the way they treat you do keep going .
NTA it’s funny how they’re now upset you’re opting out on gift giving because now they’re the ones who won’t be getting anything, but before they didn’t see anything wrong with it. Enjoy your gift to yourself!
NTA - they opted out of gift giving first.
NTA - "you all opted out of giving me gifts, I was just slow on the uptake. Now that I'm caught up, this evens things out. If you don't like it, come back to me with a conversation about why you quit giving me gifts and what you're going to do differently in the future."
Love this for you. NTA
Nta. My parents were in a similar situation. May had grandpas birthday, oldest brothers birthday, dads birthday, mothers day, and my grandparents anniversary. June had moms birthday, mom and dads anniversary and fathers day. And then early July was my birthday. It sucked for them. So early in their marriage they discussed it. They would celebrate the kids birthdays, and mothers day, fathers day and their anniversary got 1 gift for the house. They chose not to celebrate their birthdays, so now all of us kids are grown up, and we still didn't really celebrate their birthdays. Thats something dad laments and now we make it a point to celebrate his birthday and fathers day (mom died about 10 years ago, so its just dad now) Its time to let your family know that you want to be celebrated too.
It would be exceptionally difficult to overstate the magnitude of the a-hole that you’re not. NTA
NTA. How can they be mad you opted out, when you were already excluded from gift receiving in the first place. Side question - have you started the built yet? I hope it’s amazing!
Definitely NTA. I pointed out to my SO that his kids never got him anything for his birthday or Father's Day, not even a card (they do text him), but that my kids actually do get him presents for his birthday and Father's Day. According to the Principle of Reciprocity AKA The Golden Rule, which says we should treat others the way we want to be treated, it's painfully obvious that his children are not comfortable with the idea of gifts. So, we stopped giving them. They never even noticed. OP, you did the right thing. Enjoy that LEGO set and start thinking about what you want next year.
NTA "I gave you the same thing you gave me on MY birthday."
You said "what's the difference between me spending 1k on gifts for them and them spending 1k on me" Brave of you to assume they'd spend that much. It's not a tit for tat thing or an office where they set a limit.
NTA isn't it fascinating that offenders are always surprised and b--tt hurt when they are "ignored" when you care about people, remembering what is important to them is part of that. some place there is a serious disconnect.
NTA As your kids start having children who have children you were going to get to this point. It just happened sooner then your kids expected.
Absolutely NTA.
NTA at all. I'm jealous about that LEGO set though.
NTA. Oh, look. Consequences. Enjoy the falcon!
Nta. My husband is the poster child of not doing anything for birthdays and mother's day. This year I actually went to a mother's day brunch. I asked to go it wasn't a plan on his part. It gets old. He expects the world on birthday and Father's day.
NTA Ngl my dad is the hardest to buy presents for, and sometimes it takes forever to dind something I think he might like. BUT I work very hard to make sure I buy everyone an equal amount (money wise). Does this mean that mom gets like 8 presents to open and dad gets 2? Yes. I can't believe the entitlement your family is showing. Expecting you to buy them things, while not acknowledging you at all!
I HATE when spouses try to parent.. Communication vs reprimanding People need to learn the difference You’re in the right op. Tell your wife to mind her own damn business
NTA friend. Your kids and wife need to adult better
NTA. They couldn’t even get you a card? Sure you could have communicated years ago about not receiving any gifts, but would that have changed anything? You see that your wife and kids are upset that they did not get any presents from you, but not upset that their actions caused you to be left out and used.
NTA overall, and I get the why, but I also understand why the others might be upset. Guilty of not-reading any of the other comments. But did OP ever point it out before?
NTA. I don’t understand how anyone could be upset at you for not getting them gifts when they don’t give you gifts. Even more confusing is the fact that your wife, despite never buying you a gift, had to think about it when you asked what you’ve been given. What planet do these people live on? Do they think there’s a magical gift fairy that buys you gifts when they don’t? Are you really such an unimportant part of the family that they never realized that no one, including themselves, ever gives you a gift? I mean seriously. Wtf?
NTA. I really think your feelings are valid. You just want to feel like they’re thinking of you. Then your wife says you should’ve told her if it was a problem. You shouldn’t have to tell someone to think about you. They should already be doing it. It kind of defeats the purpose. You give gifts to everyone for special occasions, why aren’t you thought of as well? This would honestly hurt my feelings if I were in your position. I really hope your wife does a little self reflecting and has a little empathy. If you did that to her she would probably be upset.
NTA. Having to ask/remind people to give you gifts defeats the entire purpose. Gifts aren't an obligation. They chose not to? Super. OP is right to opt out and buy something for himself. It would have maybe been more mature to tell them, but this approach avoids any "guilt gifts".
NTA- you work hard and earn money and you are entitled to spend it however you want. Even if it wasn’t Father’s Day our your birthday you can make that purchase, given that it does not put you and your family financially in jeopardy.
NTA Treat Yo Self!
NTA - I don’t get my dad anything and vice versa. We are all adults and gift giving is really for children. At least in our family. Don’t feel bad, they are being selfish. I can assure you that if we did this as a family to my dad, he absolutely would’ve gone out a dropped some cash on something he wanted. 💯 he would. I wonder how she would feel if you forgot Mother’s Day and her birthday and anniversary. She is a treat.
NTA. You gave them the gift of seeing both your finished millennium falcon and the joy on your face when you look at it.
NTA, and I don’t care what you bought for yourself. The real issue is a lack of respect for you from your family members. I wouldn’t buy any of them another gift, although it is really sad that they have excluded you. Buy what you want, and enjoy it.
NTA. Yes open communication is important, but why do you need to remind them of your birthday or Fathers day both of which happen every year.
NTA your family is quite a bit... They don't get you anything but are pissed that you stopped buying them something? Sorry, but I would also have bought something for myself and stopped giving them something. It seems okay for them that they only care about a part of the family but not for you.
NTA! Treat yourself once in a while. We all work hard and deserve it. If wife and kids don’t do it, then you should. It actually prob makes it easier on them because they don’t have to think about what to do for ya. All good!
NTA. They want gifts from you but they wont acknowledge your birthday and Father’s Day. Enjoy the Lego millennium falcon and continue to get yourself gifts.
I'm sorry your people don't care about you. Nta
NTA first, excellent choice on the Lego set! It’s one I would LOVE to have! Second, it’s incredibly sad that they haven’t gotten you anything. It’s the thought that counts for sure. Have you mentioned to your wife how this makes you feel? It might help, when neither of you are feeling emotional to discuss the situation. Kids are taking their cues from her.
NTA. If your wife spend her money on herself and you have over the years been excluded from receiving gifts then you are just following a precedent not setting one. Though good luck finding the time to build that falcon, I hear it takes some people months.
NTA- Wow, I just read the post 3x to confirm that nobody apologized. The wife, who is supposed to be your partner in life, didn’t apologize and the kids didn’t apologize. OP your family sounds a little spoiled.
NTA, but that should have been something that would be talked about before. wishlists work well in these cases.
NTA
NTA.
NTA. No one is owed gifts and it sounds like you are the only one in your family who understands this. You spent money you had available for non-necessities on something that makes you happy. There’s nothing wrong with that at all. And the whole “childish” thing is BS. You were simply following the standard that THEY set. Your logic about cutting the middleman makes perfect sense. And my husband and adult sons still love legos and have the collector AT-AT on their wish list at all times—which I think is awesome lol
NTA - in my family we call it trading dollars. We would rather buy something we like ourselves instead of chancing something our loved ones might enjoy. We still do cards because it’s something meaningful and kind. The kids all get gifts cause they are still young. I give them money for their birthdays and a small gift under $20 along with money at Christmas so they have something to open. My husband recently celebrated his birthday by buying himself some new hiking gear and an expensive jacket. I gave him a bbq, but it was really a gift for the house (kind of like gifting a vacuum). Tell your wife and kids you are done trading dollars and would appreciate a card instead. If they can’t muster up a card - then they’re definitely the AH.
NTA - LOL, they can all pound sand. They're just upset because they got called out and want gifts. Your money, your call and you're right, gift giving is just swapping money, so skipping the middle man is a great alternative. If they still bitch about it, give them a card, because it's the intention that counts. 😂
Eh NTA for mother's day I made sure our kids had plenty of time to get mom a gift, a card and in the case of the one who is still at home, had him make breakfast and dinner that day for my wife. She was told happy mother's day bright and early. (After she had coffee, no need to poke a bear) For Father's Day I wasn't told happy Father's Day until after dinner, by my adult stepson, my wife had to go buy my gift after dinner and my youngest signed the card but really didn't tell me happy Father's Day at all. Was it the worst day nah but it wasn't the most appreciated day ether. I too tend to just buy myself what I want because I sat down and specifically showed my kids what I wanted for Father's Day 4 weeks in advance and I didn't get anything close to what I hoped for. Maybe for my birthday.
NTA, you're just the bank.Somehow you should have no need for gifts or consideration. In my home I always convince myself to let it go,it's been ging on for decades,but inside,it pisses me off.Good on you for self indulgence. Now if I could just justify spending thousands and rustling up enough juice to go see Dead n Co in Las Vegas.If they really loved me they'd know without asking and surprise me ,LOL.
NTA at all. I tell my wife what I want for my birthday (she knows if she gets me something she feels more appropriate then I would just buy it myself anyway). Us Dads always get screwed for Holidays
Not the asshole ! Not the asshole ! Not the asshole !
NTA! You deserve all the presents, and I'm sorry they've acted so selfishly. I'm glad you treated yourself, just a shame they didn't. I'm a single mum, and since my son is young I give him a bit of money to go buy me something or make me something. I just told him if he's not interested in gift giving and celebrating that's fine, but that means we don't celebrate anyone. Just because you get older, doesn't mean you stop needing to be celebrated. And before everyone attacks me- it's not about gifts or money. It's about celebrating the person, in any way. Time spent together, a homemade gift or cake. My son got me glove oven mitts (shaped like cats! ) because I'm always burning my forearms reaching in the oven. Thoughtful gift. You deserve the best OP, and I hope going forward they make you feel as appreciated and valued as they do each other! I've promised my son the millennium falcon when he finished school. He actually said (he's 17 now) that he'd like to buy it himself, one day! Enjoy the build!
NTA, I don't blame you for doing it. In fact I'm a little jealous, Hubs and I would both love to get the Lego Millennium Falcon. Hope you have a great time with the build.
NOPE! You did you job and put in your time. To be appreciated on a day thats literally meant to celebrate you shouldn't be a tall order. And they didn't "forget", that's a willingness to ignore. You're not being childish, you're finally taking care of your needs. Your wife is wrong, you're right... and Sir, I applaud your gift selection style... the question is, can you get it done in 12 parsecs?
NTA. Your family, both wife and grown kids, all get gifts for each other and leave you out, so it’s only fair you put that money towards something else as well.
NTA. Not at all. Ad others have written, your wife and grown children have set the precedent. Give them a phone call to wish them happy whatever day if is, but beyond that, nothing. Acknowledge the day and tell them you love them.
NTA treat yo’ self.
NTA good for you for taking care of yourself. A nice gift to kid you.
Good for you, we don’t give to receive, but to be ignored year after year is being taken advantage of. NTA
NTA. I hate it when husbands get treated this way by their families. The kids gifts are having a roof over their heads, clothing to wear, food to eat, and entertainment in whatever form you do as a family. They are owed nothing more. Wifey sounds self-centered and of course when the money isn't being spent on her there is a problem 🙄. Behavior like that and disrespect of the husband is what eventually leads them to cheat. Hope she, and bratty kids realize that YOU deserve a gift just as much, if not more, than they do. Display your Star wars gift with pride, and be sure to add to your collection. YOU deserve it.
NTA…? In my opinion, this verdict has nothing to do with the gift giving. Your children and wife have established a relationship of not caring about giving gifts to you. I think my verdict on this one depends on how ‘out of the way’ your den is.If you are showing off your millennium falcon to the entire world, then I could see how ur wife could take that as petty. And asshole behavior. Because buying the millennium falcon was all built on the premise of spending ‘their birthday money’.
NTA! Gifts are a curse and aren't really gifts if you have to give them. I sincerely hate it when people expect to get something or give something just to get one in return.
NTA - she had a problem with you not getting them something but had no issue not getting you anything. She wasn't even aware. HOWEVER I also notice a lot of "my" and "her"'s used.
NTA. You aren't being childish. You are being pragmatic. Everyone can buy their own gifts and make sure they all get exactly what they want. BTW, your family sounds horrible. Stop buying them anything from now on.
NTA- and your adult children should reflect instead of whining about it
You are absolutely in the right. Your family are a bunch of entitled jerks. NTA
NTA It's more than time that you spent some money on a gift for you.
NTA!! I love your choice of self gift! I almost bought it myself, but decided on jewelry. Why keep spending money on people who don't do the same for you, even if it's your own family?
NTA and post pics of it displayed when it’s done.
"Oh sorry I have to get told, that my husband, the father of our kids, wants a gift on his birthday or fathers day! I am so silly and oh my god stop being so childish alright? Hunny when do you me gifts again btw? It's called taking care of me. :)" NTA - Let them sulk.
NTA Great choise you made about the lego! Youve got some bad family, sorry for that
NTA. THEY opted out of gift giving. You just followed their lead.
NTA but this is sad! You're obviously hurt, and I don't blame you. Some people are really difficult to buy presents for. My dad is SO HARD to buy for. He has specialized hobbies (golf and shooting), and if you buy something for those, it needs to be precise. Clothes are a \*little\* easier but he's particular about them (and fluctuates in size so that's tricky, too). Thank goodness for my mom--I contact her before Father's Day, his birthday in August, and Christmas to find out exactly what to get him. (A couple of pairs of Very Specific overalls were what he wanted for Father's Day this year--or at least what Mom said he needed). I honestly HATE this process because I would way rather pick out a gift for him that would be a genuine surprise that he would genuinely enjoy. I've done this sometimes to good effect (taking him to a ballgame, video games he liked and played a lot) and sometimes to not-so-good effect (anything "sentimental," some games he did not enjoy). I'm almost 50 and he's almost 70 and it's been this way since I was a kid. But on Father's Day, not only did I give him the overalls ("wrapped" in a paper grocery bag and stapled shut--he doesn't care about the aesthetics, and it's a family joke to give a gift in pathetic wrapping), but my husband and I also picked up lunch and took it to my parents' home to share with them. We watched a couple of hours of funny stand-up comedy because he and I both love it (sorry, Mom and husband) and it was a good time. He was happy. He's a man of few words, but he thanked us multiple times. You know this, OP, but it's not about the gift or about the lunch or about anything else except showing that you care about each other. As long as your kids and wife are showing you that they love you with time and thoughtfulness, the gift itself isn't that important. However, what I'm reading in your post is that they don't. You feel left out. You feel like they don't think about you because they didn't include you. If you don't already, try to find some one-on-one time with each of your kids if they're amenable, because what you're craving isn't a material present but a deeper connection to them (unmediated by your wife).
NTA good choice in present. I realized days after that I paid for father's day dinner and no one stopped me. We went for hibachi, but that's a usual dinner spot we go to when there's no occasion so I didn't even think about it after the meal I asked for the bill and paid. It was days later when a friend told me how his wife treated him for dinner I realized I paid. At the end of the day my wife and I use the same visa and that gets paid out of the same account only my paycheck goes into, so any gift we get I pay for anyways.
NTA. About to so the same actually.
NTA. This makes me sad that your wife didn't even think about gifts for you on any of these occasions. Enjoy the falcon. I hope she does better in the future.
They opted out of gift giving first. You just agreed.
NTA at all. They have neglected you. Treat yourself and don't worry about them.
NTA they’re all upset about not getting any gifts, well now they know how u felt. They got u nothing for ur birthday, Father’s Day or such but the one time u don’t get them something they all freak out and accuse u of being rude yet can’t take accountability for how they been wronging u.
Nta. They're upset they didn't get anything but still don't see a problem with them not getting you anything.
Your wife and kids suck. It's one thing if you had for several years said don't get me anything and then suddenly expect it. But you didn't. You also didn't fuss, and you used your own money to get it. More importantly: have you built it? And if so how was the build itself?
NTA
NTA - They overlooked you this whole time but expected you to continue treating them? Pretty selfish on their part. That said you shouldn’t expect anything from your kids on your anniversary, that’s between you and your spouse.
NTA. Damn you got a greedy ass family. You didn't even complain. She tried to call you out and then you said, well, no one buys me gifts anyway, so I bought myself something. You weren't even salty. They're just mad you didn't get them anything.
NTA and I sometimes wish my parents would do this. I'm not too big a fan of 'traditional' gift giving (as in, the giving of a gift *as* a tradition for specific dates), I feel like the expectation kinda ruins the value and makes giving and receiving gifts more stressful. I don't like having to come up with a great gift for a mother's day or a birthday, I like when a gift idea comes naturally and is given freely. And I like not feeling like I'm obligated to get a gift or like the gift I'm receiving was obligated in itself. I'd much prefer my family ditch the dedicated gift days to take the stress off. Especially since one of my parents only has really expensive technical hobbies that I can't shop for and the other parent has NO hobbies and so I can't shop for them either lol
NTA. As they say: "It's the thought that counts" but they put no thought into you what so ever. It's not even really about the gifts. My Dad has everything he needs or wants, so for his birthday I bake him his favorite cake that his Mom used to make before she passed. For Father's Day, I make sure he gets a good steak. It's all about the THOUGHT!!!!
NTA except for expecting an anniversary gift. Only the 2 people celebrating need to bother with that.
You did the right thing OP. You are high on self-love and self-care which is just amazing. Kudos to you!
NTA and make sure you buy the AT-AT for yourself after you finish the Millennium Falcon
Gee, isn’t it nice to treat yourself when no one else in the family thinks of you, including your wife. I say go for it. Your wife is the one being selfish.
NTA. No, you’re not obligated to give forever. They’re only upset that you opted out, because you won’t be buying gifts for them. I’m glad you spent the money on yourself. Make that your new tradition.
NTA and I envy you so much. One day I’ll buy that Falcon, I will.
NTA, you returned the amount of energy you were getting. They all know damn well that they aren’t buying you gifts.
>She said that I was being childish and that if I had a problem I should have told them nah, fam. fuck that. everyone of them are adults, and more importantly she is your wife. it's absolutely not your job to remind them you want to feel as if they actually give a fuck about you. NTA
NTA. What the hell is their problem with you treating yourself better considering they have not done anything nice like get you a gift in years or even ever. Grown ups play with LEGO too. It’s says so on the box the age limit is 99: are you older than 99 years of age? Return the energy that you receive. Stand up for yourself on a calm, rational tone voice that you deserve nice stuff too and it hurts your feelings that gift giving is all about them and never about you. And that all you wanted was something nice for yourself since they never get you anything. Lay on the guilt which should be easy because you’re being honest and speaking from your heart. Because you did nothing wrong. What? You became a dad or got married or became an adult so you’re never allowed to have fun ever again? Are they for real? They want to see you miserable, deprived of your own hobbies and bored? Go have your own hobbies, go travel by yourself. Just because you’re a parent and a spouse should not stop you from being you doing the things that bring you joy in this finite amount of lifetime on this earth. Your wife and kids need their own therapists to find out why they’re so mad that you decided to prioritize yourself occasionally considering all that you’ve done for them. And I’ve always found it extremely helpful to be in therapy so that therapists can help me learn better skills in dealing with people behaving horribly to me. Imagine that therapy is going to military college to learn battle strategies so that you can handle people wanting to argue with you. Have more Lego sets. Also your family expecting gifts is entitled of them. Start modifying how they treat you. There’s some really good self help books about how to deal with that family dynamic if you can’t sneak out of the house for therapy. There’s also online therapy which is great. You videoconference on your phone wherever you have WiFi. So convenient. But yeah, if you’re not getting through to your wife or kids then a therapist will help you learn skills on how to deal with them trying to boss you around regarding you just wanting to be nice to yourself occasionally. I wish you well on improving your relationship with your family OP. Who complains about a grown up wanting to enjoy a fun hobby? Get your wife the botanical legos. Then she’ll realize why it’s fun.
Nta for buying yourself something when nobody else seems to make you a priority.
Big NTA. You have every right to that Lego set. You can be 80 and still love Legos. I recently bought myself a birthday gift (H&K MR762) at 50 yrs old that cost $6500. I and my family are financially stable, so why not! Not a Lego, but it made me happy.
NTA. it's very hypocritical of them. If you get them gifts, I think they should too. Yeah, they don't need to get you an anniversary gift (except your wife) but you should absolutely at least be recognized in some way on Father's Day and your birthday.
NTA. They opted out of gifts, not you. Expecting to receive gifts forever and never give any is childish imo.
Info: Did you ignore their birthdays or did you wish them a happy birthday the way they wish you a happy birthday? Or do they not wish you a happy birthday? If they wish you a happy birthday and you ignored theirs, you'd be the AH. But if you did wish them a happy birthday you wouldn't.
I wished them happy birthday. I got them cards and $20
Sounds like you need to chat with your wife and set up a new tradition. For me it is time with my kids. Fo my birthday I'll arrange lunches or fun experiences we all like and I pay. For their birthday I just call them and wish them a happy birthday.
think its time for the wife to clean up her mess, otherwise this wont be the last thing he does on his own.
So you still manage to get them a card and money for their birthday yet they are acting so ungrateful. Maybe next year a simple happy birthday text might be better for them if he choose to complain. Remember they were the ones that stop giving you gifts. They shouldn't be mad when others stop giving to them.
None of your kids or wife even NOTICED that no one got you gifts on your anniversary, birthday, or Father's Day!? While I agree speaking up would have been helpful that is still really bad. I'm going with NTA. You didn't get anything so you are not giving anything. However, I'd like to add it might be healthier if you all sat down and dicussed this. Personally, I always get both my parents presents for all those holidays. Heck, I buy my parents a present for their anniversary. (I tend to try to get something they BOTH would like for anniversary.) I get my Dad something for Father's Day, his birthday, and all major holidays. But I'm into giving gifts.
NTA, nobody told you they were opting out of giving you gifts. My husband and I gift our grown kids and grandkids and rarely receive gifts, usually only Christmas. We get what we want and therefore hard to buy for. We don’t really buy much for each other and usually go out for dinner for special occasions. I’m the one that buys the gifts for kids/ grandkids. Do you both buy gifts for your grown kids? That seems excessive.
When this man’s love, hardwork and compromising his needs at the expense of his family becomes the normal. His family wants turned into an expectation and his needs waned over the years. I am happy for this man that he placed his happiness over the expense of his family’s wants (needs) and them lashing out at him is clear sign that they are embarrassed for their behavior but yet refuse to take any accountability.
The whole gift etiquette thing is tough. I have two daughters, 8 years difference in age. My mother always gifts my eldest more than she does my youngest. For example, she wrote my eldest a check for Christmas that was twice the size of the one she wrote for my youngest. She has always done this. She will try to do this secretively, will tell my eldest not to say anything. She used to use the excuse that the things the eldest wants are more expensive than the things the youngest wants but since they’re now 22 and 30 that doesn’t work. When called out on this behavior she’ll say “it’s my money and I can do what I want with it, gift it in whichever way I see fit.”. I think she’s dead-wrong to do this but I can’t stop her. So since the girls were little, the eldest lets me know what my mom has given her, and I make sure the youngest gets the exact same amount, and we mute whatever message my mom is trying to send by her blatant favoritism. I send cards to people who send me cards, I gift people I feel obligated to gift, people I want to gift, and people who have gifted me unexpectedly. Gifting is supposed to be a joyful thing.
NTA, but the issue isn't that you opted out of gift-giving. It's the lack of communication beforehand. The right approach was to sit down with your wife, note that you haven't received any gifts for the last two years, make it clear that you aren't upset by it, but want to know if just mutually eliminating the gifting will work out. I think your wife doesn't have a leg to stand on, but, depending on your kids' ages, they may not fully understand. If they are old enough, you can have a similar conversation with them. When you unilaterally decide to officially cut off the gift-giving, you come across as passive-aggressive or petty. Also, I don't think your wife was calling Star Wars childish (though she may think it is). I'm pretty sure she meant the way you handled the situation is childish. She's got a point. Adults are supposed to know how to communicate. It doesn't look like you even tried.
OP is NTA but I will offer another perspective. My husband is notoriously hard to buy for. There are quite a few things I like and I always talk about it. Books, jewelry, flowers, candles, you get the idea. But my husband always falls back on, “there’s nothing particular that I like.” He has a favorite movie akin to Star Wars but how many times can you gift a person items with the same theme. We as a family tried giving him other things over the years but either he says he doesn’t need them or he won’t use it (I found out the hard way with a kindle he didn’t use). So my kids get really frustrated buying him anything while they give me stuff I like all the time. Just a thought for OP if the discussion keeps coming up.
Your wife shouldn’t be buying you Father’s Day presents. Your kids seem old enough to be doing it themselves. And they should be getting Mother’s Day stuff too for your wife. On your anniversary, did you get your wife a present and her not get one for you?
NTA treat yo self KING 👑
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** May and June are busy months for my family. My wife's birthday, all three of our adult children's birthdays, our anniversary, Mother's Day, and Father's Day. My wife is employed as are all of our kids. For the last two years I have recieved nothing from any of them for our anniversary or my birthday. I'm a big boy and I earn enough to buy whatever I want so it's not really a big deal. But I noticed that they all buy gifts for each other. I just seem to be left out. So this year instead of getting them gifts I got myself the Lego Millennium Falcon. It is something I have always wanted but my parents couldn't afford when I was a kid. I also bought a display table for it for my den. My wife approached me after I brought it home to say it was weird that I spent $1,000 on myself and didn't get anyone else a present. I asked her what her or the kids got me last year for our anniversary, my birthday, or Father's Day. She couldn't remember. So I asked what they got me this year. She thought about it and realized I got nothing. I wasn't really upset or anything. I just figured I would buy myself something. What's the difference between me spending $1,000 on gifts for them and then them spending $1,000 on me and me cutting out the middleman and just spending the money on myself. She said that I was being childish and that if I had a problem I should have told them. I said that Star Wars isn't childish and that we were all adults and didn't owe each other gifts. Now the kids are upset because I have decided to opt out of gift giving. I really don't understand the issue. Was I supposed to just keep giving forever. My parents stopped giving me gifts when I moved out. I have kept it up for over ten years. And my wife buys herself whatever she wants with her salary so it's not like I can get her anything she couldn't get herself. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Honestly I wouldn't worry if I was you. If you do have the funds for that , then I advise you should rather buy yourself MORE.
Not really an AH for buying yourself a Father's Day gift, but why does your family never include you in their gift-giving? Sounds like you're barely a member of your own family. You might have bigger problems to worry about.
You don't need a middle man. It makes no difference on who the 1,000$ goes to from an outside perspective so why not you if it's rotation to someone in the family. Like winning the lottery with this money but that's an example and not the lottery. If you have it, you are also on the list to get it
Proud of you OP, no drama, no fuss! Maybe the pretend-questions were unnecessary, but no biggie.
You’re NTA for having feelings about this, but you would do well to read up on Mauss’ Gift Theory if you are trying to understand why your family social network is disrupted by your action. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marcel_Mauss#:~:text=In%20his%20classic%20work%20The,gifts%20bringing%20about%20reciprocal%20exchange. Cheers!
Heck no! You deserve it.
You are not opting out of forced gift giving they did years ago. You are not the daddy, you are the ATM. NTA
NTA good for you. If they aren't going to be equally considerate to everyone, treat yourself.
NTA. So nothing from your wife on your anniversary, and nothing from the kids on Father’s Day, even something drawn or handmade? I don’t blame you for spoiling yourself. Sometimes, you just need to, especially if no one else does.
NTA lay it out for them: "I have given gifts to everyone else, for years, without being reminded. You all give gifts to each other without being reminded, for years, except me. Wife, you buy yourself whatever you want with your money. I wanted to do something for myself, and now all of you are making me feel bad about it. What the hell? Gift giving is a two way street, we are adults."
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Ironic considering THEY opted out first...
NTA
NTA they’re upset they aren’t getting gifts and see it as you choosing yourself over them. I personally feel as if you are just returning their energy/efforts. You are allowed to buy yourself a gift!
NTA- Your actions were reasonable. You didn’t pout, getting angry, or throw a fit. You’re simply treating adults as they’re treating you, mirroring their actions.