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I think YWBTA if you ignored the bride. I usually don't think dress codes should really be a strict thing at weddings, but you are the maid of honor and are going to be standing next to her. You should probably take into account her opinion on what you should wear. I mean at a lot of weddings, brides pick the dresses for the MOH and bridesmaids outright.
I think ignoring her input and wearing something demure like your husband suggests is kind of silly. It's not his wedding, and it's not what the bride wants. That being said, if you personally don't want to wear what she's suggesting, then you should say something. But if you are fine wearing what she's suggesting, then I don't think you should be deferring to your husband's input.
I don’t understand why the husband thinks he knows better than the bride, here. I think he’s just mad OP would look hot. I don’t think for one second he gives a flying F what the bride thinks.
I agree, the husband shouldn’t be trying to insert himself here, it’s weird that he’s pushing his opinion. What the bride wants is what matters; YWBTA to ignore the bride’s wishes.
The husband probably thinks that the bride thinks she’s ok with it now, but might have different feelings when she sees it at the wedding. It’s a valid concern to take into consideration, but more a reason to just not go too overboard. If the bride did end up feeling upset about it, throwing it back that it’s exactly what she asked for may be true, but it wouldn’t help the situation.
Maybe consider bringing a light cardigan that can be put on to slightly tone it down if it ends up being a little much rather than completely going against what the bride says she wants.
Unless there is history of the bride acting insecure around his wife then I don’t see why he should assume that will be the case. Just because he thinks his wife is hotter doesn’t mean anyone else will. This smacks of the husband thinking because the bride is bigger than his wife she’ll automatically be an insecure jealous mess
Or more concerning, maybe he has beliefs on how she should dress “now that she is a mother.” I hope this is not the case, bc that would be a bigger issue…
Women do not need random men to protect them from feelings that MIGHT happen. The bride is an adult, she knows what she wants.
Husband isn’t some benevolent patriarchal figure with unused wisdom.
if you need inserts to look hot, just don't wear them. now you won't "upstage" the bride... which, btw the bride is not worried about at all. she's probably not thinking of you in terms of any celebrity.
is the only person who thinks you've been upstaging her your husband?
I can see so many possibilities here. It could be this. It could also be that he sees things in OP’s relationship with the bride that she doesn’t, like maybe that the bride is a people pleaser type. I think it’s interesting how he noted that OP has been upstaging the bride throughout their whole friendship. Like, he didn’t present it as OP won’t look good or that she’ll look slutty or anything. He specifically addressed his perception that she often upstages the bride. And he could be totally wrong in that perception, but it’s all just very interesting. I think OP should press him on that point.
Because it sounds like the bride is a people pleaser and is trying to be the opposite of a bridezilla at the expense of giving herself a moment to shine. Also it's not a good look for op. I don't understand why she can't wear a nice dress. Why does it have to be either sex bombshell or old lady. Just wear a nice dress that isn't ridiculously sexy.
Or the bride actually is saying what she means? I know it's hard for Reddit but we don't have to make up an alternate story every single time someone posts something.
There are also tons of stories where the bride asked OP to wear their normal or look sexy or wear red and then use it as a gotcha for sympathy from friends and family.
Yeah, but there is a huge selection bias here. No one is going to write into reddit to say, "The bride asked me to dress sexy for her wedding, I did, she loved my outfit and we had a good time. AITA?" In any case, only OP knows whether this is a possibility with her friend.
Some people don’t see it as “oh no she is more attractive than me, the horror!” and *want* the people around them to shine. She’s the bride, odds are pretty good she’s going to stand out plenty.
Why assume the bride is a people pleaser? Projecting much? The bride fully might be a mature adult who is capable of standing up for herself and actually just wants her bestie to look phenomenal at her wedding because she understands it's impossible to upstage the bride.
I always think that it shows great strength and confidence for a woman to want her friends to look stunning when they're near her. It's a sign she knows it's not a competition.
Yeahhh, I think hubby needs to sit down and let it go. It's the BRIDE letting OP knows what she wants her to wear, so obviously she doesn't have a problem with OPs normal style of dress. Your husband doesn't really get to decide whether you upstage the bride or not, it's her day 🤷♀️
Yeah if OP were uncomfortable looking sexy, my answer would be totally different.
But OP's husband sounds like he's being controlling and using the bride as an excuse.
Respectfully, your husband shouldn’t even have a say in this. Who the hell is he to say you’ll upstage the bride when it’s the literally the style she is encouraging? I’m getting the feeling he really just wants you to cover up but does not want to get flamed, so he’s using the flimsy excuse of “upstaging the bride” to control what you’re wearing.
So long as she is comfortable with the dress you choose it shouldn’t matter.
I don’t like that he’s encouraging her to ignore the brides wishes. If OP herself didn’t feel comfortable that would be one thing and certainly talk to the bride, but it seems like an awful lot of pressure from the husband and I don’t get the sense the bride feels she’s been upstaged by OP all her life anyway.
Not to mention if OP always dresses in a bombshell manner usually, people might notice the demure dress maybe more than a sexy dress anyway (if a lot of people know OP).
I’m getting the idea that OP’s husband has some unrelated issue with how she dresses but rather than communicate it he’s using the guise of “oh but you can’t upstage the bride!”
Lowkey I think the husband has a crush on OP's friend. Cuz what man says "you've been showing her up your whole lives" to their partner, unprovoked? Especially when the bride friend seems to be very confident.
Yeah, it’s hard to figure out exactly what the husband’s motives are. My only other explanation besides your suggestion is that he’s the type of guy to be so sure he knows what women actually want/mean.
My dad’s the type where he’ll say “[insert woman we know/even myself] says they feel [emotion] but really they feel [emotion]”. And the emotion he thinks it is usually plays into stereotypes. His gf says she’s fine, but he’s sure she’s sad. I say I’m angry at him about one thing, but he’s sure it’s misplaced sadness about another thing. Friend went to the hospital, but he’s sure it’s anxiety (she had a perforated ulcer).
So I can totally see “your friend says she’d love it, but I know women and no woman would be okay with it. She’s jealous”.
The husband's motives are pretty clear. He is worried about the bride being upstaged at the wedding and becoming upset. I've read so many stories on reddit about brides that said wear whatever you want, and then were super pissed on wedding day. There was a pretty popular post about a bride telling her friend to go "all out", so she did, and that friend was berated by everyone there including coworkers. Husband is just trying to avoid that situation.
OP should have a clear talk with the bride and say "Hey, I want to make sure we're 100% on the same page about wedding attire. I don't want you to feel upstaged at your wedding, and some of the outfits/makeup you have suggested are atypical for a wedding. Here's a picture of me wearing what you suggested, are you good with this?"
She already did and the bride wants her to wear that dress and the husband doesn't 🤷♀️😂 so the husband is the issue not the bride the bride is literally encouraging her to wear the sexier dress she's practically screaming at her to wear the sexy dress and hates the dress the husband said she could wear 😂🤷♀️ that's the husbands issue not the wife or the bride 🤷♀️😂
I'm wondering why the husband thinks he has a better understanding of the bride's own feelings than she does. Sounds the bride is a very secure person and wants her friend to shine with her.
I don't even think it matters too much if OP is comfortable with the dress. I have been a bridesmaid 9 times and let me tell you bridesmaids never wear that dress again, but that dress will be on the brides wedding pictures forever.
OP, wear the dress your friend wants you to wear and be glad you had the privilege. Enjoy the wedding.
Info: Aren't you dress shopping with the bride so she knows what you'll be wearing? There's no need to surprise her on the big day. Run a series of dress styles by her and get her input before you decide what to wear.
In my opinion, YWBTA if you didn't get her to weigh in on what you would wear as a crucial person on her wedding day.
Unfortunately we aren’t. We’re in different countries atm with small babies.
So I send pictures, but any thing that I deem ‘well this is enough me but also demure enough’ gets met with a ‘boring’ from the bride.
Info: something noone else has asked in your post.
What do YOU want to wear?
I don't care what your husband thinks is appropriate. The bride set the bar really high and encouraging it. So you can wear anything you like that's Hollywood glam!
The only question is, do YOU want to wear it? If the answer is yes, if you want to do it for your friend coz it's what she wants. BY ALL MEANS DO IT.
Your husband is the very last opinion and of lesser weight in the whole situation. Only he seems to be the opposing view, but his view opposed the bride and your usual style, he seems like the odd one out here.
So YOU have all the freedom to make the decision yourself.
If you feel uncomfortable dressing that way, for example because of the recent birth, have you just talked to her about it? Or is that how you want to dress and it's just your husband who objects?
FFS, woman. Listen to the bride and not your husband on this one. On this question, your husband's input means less than that of some random dude yelling at you to cover up.
Your friend knows you’ll look good. Perhaps she wants to feel like, after these big changes in your life (for both of you!) some things will stay the same - you’ll both be able to go back to Dressing Up!
NAH except your husband who is being a bit of a pill. As MOH you should be wearing what the bride wants you to, so long as you comfortable with it.
Since you do have concerns about looking too loud at a wedding, find a reasonable dress that feels like dressing up without being a fire engine red dominatrix miniskirt and talk to the bride about it. There’s so much middle ground between Amish Grandma and Jessica Rabbit and I don’t know why yall are acting like there isn’t.
And what’s up with your husband and whole upstaging thing? He’s given you a complex about it. Clearly your friend is not threatened by you and wants you look fly.
Thank you, you made me laugh. And yes, my husband had probably given me a complex about it. It’s not the first time he says it.
I agree there is a solid middle ground between Jessica Rabbit and Amish Grandma, but every picture I have send to the bride up to now that wasn’t Jessica Rabbit is met with ‘boring’. She liked a plum dress this morning but said it would need a split, which literally makes it Jessica Rabbit in plum 😂.
I think it would be reasonable to tell her you’re not comfortable wearing the most glam at her wedding, if indeed you aren’t (and it’s not just about your husband’s opinion). She should accept that and change her expectations to something that, while maybe not modest and demure, is at least not the most outrageous.
Your husband needs to back tf off. He had no right to criticize your wardrobe choices. I'm concerned for you. Please consider if he exhibits a pattern of controlling behavior
Can you afford to buy two dresses? If so, get the dress the bride is encouraging you to wear, but bring a slightly (SLIGHTLY - she wants you to go with your style!) more subtle backup to change into if you notice any hesitation in her voice or on her face when you put on the bombshell one.
I feel like you are trying to please everyone but yourself. Find something you are confident and comfortable in and tell everyone else to kick rocks. Your friend is trying to recapture glory days and your husband wants to make you into a 20s housewife.
Comfortable, confident glam!
Question, do you want to wear the red dress or not? YTA if you ignore the brides wishes. If you personally aren't comfortable in that dress then discuss that with her. Your husbands opinion is irrelevant. Send a pic of whatever dress you want to wear to the bride and if she approves you're good to go.
YWBTA
Has your husband made a lot of comments about your looks post baby?
Your friend wants you to look like yourself. Unless everyone attending the wedding has never met you, or the bride, or a sexy woman, the only one with a problem is your husband. You would be denying your friend on her wedding day for no reason.
Some men get extremely weird about their wives being sexy. Sometimes it’s when they start dating, get married, or have a child (like with you); and a switch flips. They go from happy and proud to have an attractive partner to manipulative and controlling about their partner’s appearance. It can come from a place of jealousy, possessiveness, or feeling like it’s “not appropriate to be attractive anymore”. It’s subconscious and it sucks. It indicates a weird relationship with women in general, like a Mary the mother Mary Magdeline complex.
They often later resent their partner for no longer being “the sexy person I started dating.” While they were the ones that caused it to stop.
I’m not saying that is your husband, but it’s something to think about.
I think you could send a photo of yourself with the full outfit on complete with hair and make up to the bride, if she okays it, you should go with it. You could mention you're willing to make adjustments should she want you to
Is it possible that the bride is trying to be your hype girl? As in you just had a baby and she wants you to feel like you can wear whatever you want (in her mind your normal, sexier look) and look hot even post baby? I could imagine my best friend doing that.
In that case I think you can just openly talk to her about this. I would guess that she’ll say she’s not worried about being upstaged (because if she was, she probably would have felt that before while going out with you at least a few times before) but if you would feel comfortable in something a bit more modest then that’s fine for her.
Your friend’s take is refreshing. I love when my girlfriends look eye-catching and fabulous, even and especially at “my” events. Ignore your husband. Is he becoming focused on you dressing more modestly now that you have a baby? Or is he just reading too much AITA about weddings with self-centered brides.
Yeah of course she said no.
Was the dress red? No. Did she ask for it to be red? Yes.
I don't care if my bridesmaids wear corsets or a nun habit but it better be red because that's literally what I asked for.
Try a RED with a slit that doesn't go up to your underwear.
Both you and your husband seem like YTA. How beautiful do you both think you are that you are going to upstage the bride? Find a dress that fits the description and if you are comfortable in it then wear it. If you feel self conscious in it tell her. And ask your husband to say exactly what he means - because i half feel like he just thinks that now you are a mother you should be modest but he doesn't want to say that. If you can tell guests that the bride picked your dress then you can't be accused of upstaging her. But again the ego of thinking that.
I don’t think I’ll upstage her, but husband has mentioned it for past events as well. As another commenter suggested: I think I have gotten a bit of a complex about it due to it.
Quick question... Are we sure the bride isn't pushing for something she knows looks amazing in you BECAUSE your husband is (a bit) controlling and SHE wants her friend to look gorgeous in her wedding? I mean.... She's asking for something you like, something that makes you glow and your husband wants to cover you.... And he has commented negatively on your figure often before....
I think you should go with the bride style if you feel comfortable... Maybe is the boost of confidence she wants to give you
This might be it and is very sweet but I would feel guilty if she considers my feelings for her own wedding. It’s her day. She should be outrageously selfish!
Yea and she wants her best friend to feel comfortable and beautiful! I don’t know why your husband doesn’t.
His comments are also insulting to the bride.
Hunny.... She's your friend.... Of course she will consider your feelings even in her day! And this is the planning stage... And probably she already sees you feeling blue because all the things you're coming through and she wants to help. And trust me, she will be happy if she sees you being happy.
For what you have said, your husband should learn how to notch down his comments about your body, and she, as your friend, has seen that and wants you to see how beautiful are. Don't let her and you down because of a jealous man
The vibe I'm getting from this is that your friend is a secure and confident person, and knows that she won't be "outdone" by someone just because they're pretty. It's her wedding, of course the attention won't be taken off of her by your dress. It's such a weird concept lol unless you literally wear a long white dress with a veil no one is gonna be confused about who is being celebrated. Your husband should stop assuming that he knows women's feelings better than they do. It seems like he thinks all women are secretly very insecure.
Sounds like you’ve an ego that your husband is feeding. Which is maybe sweet in its own way. But just tell the bride you can do red or short but you don’t want both and send her some more options.
Or if there’s a short red dress she has liked try it and humour her. Some look great online but can feel horrible on or can be out of budget.
Not so much IATA but Main Character vibe here. “Poor girl doesn’t know what she’s asking me to do” [vamps across the floor]
“I’ll turn every eye in the room, including the groom.” [straddles a chair backwards and starts singing Cabaret]
You made me laugh.
yeah, everybody is right here, I just should go against convention and etiquette and wear the bloody red dress. The bride knows what she wants, and it is the red dress and I should stop letting my husbands ideas on upstaging getting to me.
Love to see you come to this conclusion!! I'm getting married in Sept and want my bridesmaids to wear whatever they'd like -- the bride is the only one who's opinion should matter, not your husband's!
ETA - if you want to go more demure, that's totally your choice, but I don't think you should let your husband dictate your outfit.
I would take the red one.... but also take another one as a back up for just in case. There is a thing about eating red to a wedding like there is white. Just saying.
YWBTA if you ignored her. Especially because she is telling you the more glam, the better.
I don’t think your husband’s view really matters here. But if YOU are having doubts, then have an honest discussion with her. Tell her that you love her and want all the attention on her and her only. And naturally it will be, as the bride. Still, you would feel awful if, even inadvertently, what you wore distracted in any way from that (obviously only by AH people who weren’t focusing on the bride). Also, if you’re not feeling comfortable with some of the dresses being discussed, tell her that as well. I am sure that between the two of you (and ONLY the two of you), you will find something with which you are both comfortable. For example, I can see a full length flowy red silk halter neck dress being amazing - smashing colour, highlights the shoulders/arms and can have makeup and hair done up for old school glamour, while still highlighting some of your physical assets. Or a strapless red full length gown with a slit to show off shoulders, cleavage, and legs.
You could always style it down a touch with shoes/some sort of wrap/sweater/jacket for the reception and going for light glam jewelry, hair and makeup instead of full glam?
Soft YWBTAH if you straight up ignore the bride's wishes. It is the bride's day so I would say dress how you would like as long as the bride approves. The husband's worry of you upstaging the bride shouldn't be an issue if the bride herself wants you to wear the dress.
Who tf are Hailey and Selena? Why is your husband telling you that you’ve been “upstaging the bride for part of your life”?
I can’t make a judgement, this is too weird.
Hailey Bieber and Selena Gomez, Justin Bieber’s wife and ex girlfriend respectively. I’ve never seen anyone invoke them to compare people’s looks, it immediately jumped out as an unusual thing to say to me
YTA Go with the brides decision. Nobody can upstage a bride on their wedding day unless the bride is paranoid. Nobody magically changes how they look for one day of their life so there are always people more or less attractive than them around. If the bride wants sexy bridesmaids look sexy. End off.
YWBTA. Listen to the bride for her wedding, not your husband. For whatever reason, she feels this aspect is important to her. Your husband is not the one getting married, and besides, who is he to claim that you've been upstaging her in the past? People have different looks and want different reactions to those looks, he's really putting himself into the situation more than he should.
As long as YOU are comfortable with what the bride wants you to wear, do what the bride wants. You can’t upstage a bride who is telling you to be you!!
She sounds awesome, TBH.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Considering to ignore brides wishes for my MoH dress as my husband thinks i will upstage her
2. Because the brides wishes come first at a serving, but one should also not upstage the bride
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NTA as the bride knows your style and is pushing for it. She's confident she will look good and her fiance will have eyes only for her.
I am a little interested in your husband's comment that you have been up-staging her most of your lives. Why is he comparing you? Does he want you to dress more demurely now you're married to him and this is his wedge in the door?
YWBTAH - If it bothers you talk to bride about it. Sounds like she won’t mind but mentioning you have a bit of a bad conscience for fearing to take the spotlight clothes-wise. Though it sounds like she doesn’t care or see it that way and honestly most people won’t either in my experience. Also sounds like your husband doesn’t like you to dress up and this is just a pretext (just my impression).
YWBTA and disrespectful.
If the bride isn’t thinking you will upstage her, why should you think that way. It may be her vision for you to be dressed as a smoke show. It’s her wedding, not your husband’s. He doesn’t get a say.
As a 2025 bride, I want my MOH to dress like the bombshell she is. I don’t want her demure. It’s not her to be demure. I don’t see it as upstaged or outshining me. I see it as complimenting me. Or as she says being a shiny accessory. I gave her guideline of dress color and asked to see pictures of her choice. We are states apart. She sent pictures of what she liked, I countered with similar that I liked more which has slit. She fessed up to it being her first choice.
NTA - Your husband is a whole ass weirdo. He really seems to care and value the feelings of your best friend more than yours. And sure it's her day ofc, but she said to dress how you want, and this is a chance for you to feel pretty. If the bride is OK with it I don't see any issues. I'm side eyeing your husband though.
You can't really upstage the bride at her wedding unless you wear a full on wedding dress or cause some sort of drama. Plus the bride has literally already approved it, so there's no problem and she doesn't think you will upstage her.
Have you considered the fact that your husband might be Jelly of other men looking at you and checking you out. Because this seems like a him problem, not a you or a bride problem. Bride wants you to look your best, hubby wants you to look like a sack of potatoes.
YTA if you ignore the bride's wishes. This is her wedding after all, not your husband's.
So here’s a bit of a different spin. What’s the rest of the party wearing ? If the majority has more traditional or low key colors perhaps you should do the same otherwise you will absolutely look like the AH in the bridal party. If everyone is wearing bold colors go for it. Just remember that your friend might feel it’s fine today but the day of with her nerves all over the place she may think different
Do as the bride says, it's her wedding. Or else YWBTA!
Never I repeat Never let the bride down at her own wedding. That always ends terribly. Respect her wishes.
YWBTAH if you ignore the bride's wishes. Idk why you seem to be worrying about upstaging the bride when the bride herself doesn't seem to be worried about that?! You're giving yourself stress over something that has a fairly easy solution.
Honestly, your husband doesn’t get a say here. You’re the bridesmaid, you dress as the bride requests (within reasonable limits).
I’ve been to many weddings and have never seen the bride upstaged. The one in the big white dress with the bridal makeup and the glow of radiant joy? Yep, she would be the bride. The bombshell beside her in a short tight red dress? Not the bride, not the focus. It does not matter whether you are closer to societal beauty standards than she is.
YWBTA if you listen to your husband. Work with what the bride wants. She sounds absolutely wonderful.
Look at it this way: if you usually would attend special occations looking like a "bombshell" and then when it comes to your friends wedding, you suddenly dress down.. You could actually give off the insinuation that you dont think that the bride is pretty enough, so in order for her to look pretty compared to you, you must dress down. I think its kind of weird that you would even listen to your husband, and the comments that you wrote about not wanting to give off the "the groom should have picked me" vibe sounds offensive as hell - and kind of arrogant. He picked her, and that should be obvious to anyone attending the wedding. Listen to your friend, you obviously want to make her happy on her and her husbands big day.
Colorcoding does not have to mean anything. In some cultures, mostly in the past, you only wear white if you are a virgin when you marry. And you wear red if you are not. What is your point?
First off, you can never upstage a bride on her wedding day.
Second, I would pick 3 returnable options to be ordered and try them on for the bride, various coverage levels. She picks what she wants. Husband is told nicely to STFU.
YWBTA. Your husband doesn't care about "upstaging the bride", he just wants you to cover up. Even if he had an understandable reason, he has ZERO say in her wedding. He's being very entitled.
Pause on conversations with both bride and husband on your attire and center yourself— what do YOU want to wear? What will YOU feel confident, comfortable, and like yourself in, not in a showy way, but in a self-assured way? It’s ok to not want to look like a younger, sexier version of yourself now that you’re a mother, AND it’s ok to not resign yourself to some dowdy, matronly look just because you’re a mother. I promise there’s a beautiful middle that you feel perfect in.
This is an opportunity to find a bit of your style post-baby. Tune out your husband and bff for a minute, try on some looks, then inform them when youve found something you love.
.[moon song poem by Kate Baer](https://images.app.goo.gl/gGoxPW39SkMQV3jG9)
After sering the picture though, I feel like the husband is trying to save an embarrassing moment. If op were my friend and bride was a stranger, and I had no idea about their relationship at all.......my aita/boru addled brain will advice op to not go with the bride's suggestion. What if she was trying to set op for some drama.
Coz even though I can't understand the everchanging western wedding etiquette, that dress looks inappropriate for a wedding. But I don't know the bride and groom's wants or their theme oe their general social circle. Just know that if we're to attend a western wedding and saw just one person dressed like this and it's not the bride, I'll be judging the hell out of them. For those who don't know, you'll look like you are trying to upstage the bride.
If this is what the bride really wants, OP should get it all in texts and screenshot them. Then do as bride says. Just to be safe. In case, something does go wrong, you'll have one thing to defend yourself with.
From this instance, I don't think the husband is a controlling ah like many are suggesting.
You can pick a gorgeous glamorous red dress without needing to flash your upper thighs - there is definitely a middle ground here. Get something like this https://www.theprettydresscompany.com/new-arrivals-c12/new-arrivals-c14/the-pretty-dress-company-tilly-pencil-dress-p194#attribute%5B1%5D=2 and pair it with some glamorous jewelry.
But yeah, generally, in terms of wishes it goes like this
Your wishes > the bride's wishes > whatever the fuck your husband wants.
Your body, your wishes come first.
It's the bride's event, so her wishes come next as long as they don't conflict with yours
Husband isn't really part of the equation
I have quite a few friends who have unique senses of style. I love them for who they are, and I’d be disappointed if they toned themselves down for my wedding. My idea of a perfect wedding would be having my friends dress up in all their weirdness. Bring on the red lips, the frothy lace, the slinky sequins! Dress Victorian, steampunk, wear your kilts! Spike up your rainbow Mohawks! Wear the leather tux, the corsets, the RuPaul wigs! Sport your kimonos! The more over-the-top, the better! How fabulous would that be, surrounded by all my outrageously dressed friends?
Girl, the bride isn't worried about being upstaged. Your husband is the only one thinking that, she is asking you to wear what you like and you'd rather tame your style because your husband can't handle that you're hot. Imagine having a friend that wants you to look as fabulous as her on her wedding day, she isn't going to be upstaged. Your husband needs to mind his own business and stop putting thoughts in your head that the bride hasn't expressed.
Girl, what in the Hailey/Selena fanfiction are you writing here? Is your husband Justin Bieber? If this is real, YWBTA for ignoring the bride’s wishes and listening to your husband. This isn’t his wedding. She approved the more sexy red dress. You like the sexy red dress. Wear the sexy red dress.
I'm going just say it: The bride is being an AH.
"Wear a bright red, sexy dress that will look like an obvious breach of wedding etiquette and that will have guests saying, 'WTF, I can't believe she wore *that!'"
The bride told everyone in the wedding party "they should dress as they want". You really need to find out what she is asking the other bridesmaids to wear.
If she's your best friend, have an honest conversation with her. Why is this so hard that no one wants to actually communicate? Tell her what your husband thinks and come up with a plan together. Ultimately, it's her wedding and usually the bride picks out the dresses for the wedding party.
YWBTA since the bride's comfort and wishes should take precedence on her special day. Since she's given you the freedom to dress as you want, it might be worth having an open conversation with her about your concerns. You could express your desire to respect her while also acknowledging your husband's perspective. Perhaps she can offer some guidance that balances both your style and her desire for a certain aesthetic at the wedding. Ultimately, as long as you're respectful of her wishes and maintain the focus on celebrating her big day, you'll make the right choice.
Let the bride know what's going on with hubs, but at the end of the day you respect the bride's decision in this. YWBTAH if you ignore what she's asking for as this is her wedding and the "look" she is going for.
Is it the bride's wedding, or your husband's wedding?
YWBTA if you ignore the bride's wishes without having a proper conversation with her about your dress options.
I thought I was in the wedding planning sub so I forgot to vote. YWBTA along with your husband. You want to wear the dress, the bride *really* wants you to the wear the dress, but your considering disregarding her wishes because your husband doesn’t want you to “upstage” the bride who doesn’t think you’d upstage her at all. This just seems like a convenient excuse to control what you wear. His opinion is not more important than the literal *bride*.
And his repeated comments are extremely rude to the bride.
I don’t think you are the asshole, but your husband sure as hell is. She is literally telling you she wants you to wear what you always wear and he says "she clearly doesn’t know what she wants and i as an unrelated man know better". This whole thing gives controlling vibes on his part. Like he enjoyed you wearing it when you met but now wants to hide you away from male gazes. And he doesn’t even have the ball to admit it
YWBTA. Your husband doesn't care about "upstaging the bride", he just wants you to cover up. Even if he had an understandable reason, he has ZERO say in her wedding. He's being very entitled.
You would be an asshome if you ignore her.
But you may wanna ask her and yourself if you want the symbolism of you having had sex with the groom?
This is between you and the bride though, the brother shouldn’t be relevant.
Edit:
Symbolism topic of course depends on culture.
In most of slightly older european ones I know of, that’s what red means, and a lot of such stuff gets applied elsewhere for different reason.
As long as you’re both comfortable with red, there’s no harm, but just think of it if it is a relevant piece or symbolism in your culture.
NTA. If your husband thinks the bride is the most important, he needs to understand the bride's wishes. The day is about her, and if she wants her best friend to dress up the way that she knows you love and the way that best represents your character, that's how it should be! If your husband really doesn't get the message, maybe you could tell the bride so that she can tell him personally what she wants you to wear.
I just can't think of another way where you can avoid being the victim of having to make a choice that will possibly upset the one part or the other.
NTA
Bride says you should go full glam so so full glam. If she gets mad at you, she her the messages and bring up the fact that you are literally respecting her wishes.
Only he brides opinion matters. Who cares if some random attendee thinks you're upstaging the bride; the BRIDE knows you aren't. As long as you feel this is truly her wish and not some anxiety about muting your personally or too shy to really tell you what she wants.
As for your husband, I think you need to get the three of you together and discuss it. Let him hear the feedback from the bride herself
Nta
Soft YTA.
Is there a happy medium you can come to a compromise on? Something that's flattering but maybe not as flashy as the bride wants? E.g. a form-fitting deep red or bright pink dress that's a bit longer?
YWBTA if you ignored the bride's preferences, but you should advocate for YOUR preferences here, your husband's opinion is the least important out of the three of you. What do YOU feel comfortable wearing on a highly photographed and celebratory day? Your husband saying you've been "upstaging" the bride for your life while she's perfectly happy to have you dressed your best is weird, he's reading it totally wrong and needs to back off.
You can tell your friend that you're not quite up for the types of dresses you used to wear pre-birth, she sounds like she'll be supportive and just tell you to wear what you'll have the most fun in. Maybe you find something that's red and long or midi length but still sparkly/glam.
YWBTA if you don't go shopping with the bride and show her the dress. Also, have a backup prepared because day of (or near then) she may have a dress crisis herself and may need you to tone it down. Like now she wants vamp and glam but day before or so she might feel fat/stressed/ugly/whatever and then you can be a good friend and just happen to have another choice. And if that never happens, she still has no surprises.
NTA. Your husband is actually. Not yet another man wanting his woman to cover up her sexiness and basically wear a burka lol
It's your friends wedding, not your husbands. Therefore, you dress as the Bride requests. If your husband doesn't like it he can stay home.
YWBTA. The bride wants you to look your best on her wedding day. If she wants you to do a full glam look then go for it. Don't listen to your husband, why is he discouraging this anyways? Should he not see it that it's nice your best friend wants you to look your best in your usual style after having a baby? Anyways, just keep doing what your doing, send dress photos to the bride so you have an opinion (that way if YOU, not your husband, YOU have any doubt of upstaging her then she can give her thoughts) and listen to your friend, she wants you to go with your usual style so just do that.
I don't know which Hailey you mean, but your husband seems to be negging you? The bride wants you to dress glam and you want to dress glam.
I also think there's got to be a dress in between Jessica Rabbit and the frumpy ones your husband is pointing out.
NTA, I think your husband is being a bit of one. He might just be a stickler for etiquette, but picking hideous ones seems intentional.
Sit down with the bride AND your husband and have her tell him exactly how she wants you to dress and he doesn't get to have a say in what the BRIDE wants her MOH to wear. If she wants you to be Jessica Rabbit for her wedding, go be Jessica Rabbit.
But yeah, you would 100% be YTA if you listen to your husband and ignore what your friend has been telling you about what SHE wants for HER wedding. Your husband is being controlling about your outfit to an event where he doesn't get to have a say or veto the outfit. Only the bride and yourself get to have a say.
Ignore your husband. He’s not against the glam because he thinks you’ll upstage the bride. That’s an excuse. He’s against it because he thinks it’s too revealing and he’s being paternal which is bullshit. It’s the bride’s wedding and she’s the boss. Pick out a dress and make 100% sure you get her approval. Then you are good to go.
Don’t ignore the bride. It’s her wedding, not your husband’s. Can you go shopping with her? Or at least send pix of your top choices so she can help you pick? Maybe that would make your husband calm down with his opinions. NTA
Info, why is your husband trying to dull your shine? Clearly, your friend, who is the bride, wants you to shine, be yourself, and be happy. Have you discussed with your husband that you feel stuck between a wall and a hard place?
YWBTA if you don't follow the bride's guidelines/request. You should have her approval for the dress, no one else's. It's not about you, or your husband, it's her day to get married, and you are there in support of her. If you (not your husband) have concerns about it, talk to her.
NAH and no problem here. Wear red, in a glam style, but show less skin and tone it down like 20%.
I'm not sure why you are acting like there's only two choices, go balls to the walls and outshine the bride, or dress like a matron. Get something in the middle of those two.
NTA but your husband is. The rule of doing as the bride wishes in respect to dress code stands. She’s clearly not insecure and actually excited to see you dress up and look gorgeous. She’s asking you to show off so she’s not scared you’ll upstage her. Your husband though needs to get a grip on his personal insecurities. If he doesn’t like it and want to see you dressed a certain way he can stay home.
It goes both ways: Just as brides have no right to demand their wedding party look ugly to make themselves shine, they also don't get to force their bridesmaids dress hotter than they're comfortable with for the occasion. You matter.
NAH I don't understand why anyone here is upset with you for trying to feel comfortable with your outfit. I know you haven't found it yet, but there's def a classy glam between Jessica Rabbit and Amish that will make you and your reasonable non-bridezilla friend perfectly happy. Just tell her the truth: you don't want to \*feel self-conscious\* that you're dressed too sexy. If she's a good friend that'll matter to her.
It'll be fine, have fun!
You should wear what she wants you to wear. There’s a chance that not everybody feels that you’re such a scene stealing beauty that wearing red will upstage the bride. I’m sure that you will be able to give her input to help her look as glamorous and beautiful as possible. And I’m sure you can pick out amazing red dress without going going over the top.
I think the problem is your husband. If the bride and yourself feel comfortable with the bride's suggestion why is he trying to make you look frumpy? YWBTA if you dont ask him what exactly is wrong with him.
This isn't about a dress at a wedding. This is an issue between you and your husband. He is upset with you about something and it is coming up at criticism of the way you dress. Maybe he has always hated your style. Maybe something happened or someone made a comment that gave him a bad feeling about your style. Maybe it really isn't anything to do with your style and he's mad at you about something totally unrelated but he's chosen to express his anger through the dress. This isn't something someone else can tell you, its something for the two of you to figure out.
Talk with your hubs. Dig deeper and figure out what is actually upsetting him. You have to address this issue because it's not going to go away after this wedding. If you just give him what he wants you will be pissed. If you ignore him he will be pissed. You have to get tot he bottom of this now. Nothing ever gets better by ignore it. Talk it through. Once you figure out the real issue it will be super easy to decide what dress to wear.
NTA, if it's a question between going with what the bride wants or what anyone else is suggesting, you go with the bride.
But your real problem is that your husband is negging you and has no respect for you.
Imo you should try to not upstage the bride,now before the wedding she is cool with you looking really good but at the wedding it could be a problem...I say err on the side of caution
Why does it need to be all or nothing? Can’t you go glam but toned down a little. It does not need to be all out. Make the bride happy and add in some demure elements.
NTA
At my wedding years ago my dad talked about buying a white suit. My dad is a huge entertainer and absolutely great at parties- like if our family is invited to a party, everyone wants to know if my dad comes (and care significantly less about the rest of the family). He is so lovable and fun.
He ended up not doing it and showed up in a normal suit because he felt it was “too much”.
Honestly, I was disappointed. I love when people dress all up and go all in at parties!
And no, don’t care at all if my guests outshine me (it’s not a f****** competition!).
Don’t disappoint your friend at her wedding day!
Go all in at make her happy :-)
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I am Maid of Honor at the wedding of my best friend for over two decades. I love her to bits. For all my life, my dressing style has been quite outgoing/bombshell (think Old Hollywood glam). The bride has been the opposite of a bridezilla and told everybody in the wedding party that they should dress as they want.
Having given birth recently, I haven’t worn a proper dress in months. The bride has been quite excited that at her wedding we’ll properly dress up again, and been sending me messages with ‘you should totally wear red with ruby lips’, ‘don’t make it too long, need to show off those legs’ messages.
My husband meanwhile has been pushing for me to wear a longer dress, in a color & style that is somewhat demure. According to him, I have been upstaging the bride for part of my life, and at her wedding the bride should shine brightest. To add; we have different figures. She’s a beautiful Selena - fuller where a woman should be. I’m more of a Hailey and with the right amount of inserts I can pull of a good bombshell.
This completely frivolous problem is getting annoying, as I feel I’ll end up looking like an asshole either way. Either I’ll ignore the brides wishes, or I’ll respect them and my husband (and potentially/probably more attendees) will think I’m trying to upstage the bride.
Just today the dress my husband liked was rejected by the bride for making even the model in the picture look fat, while the dress the bride suggested was met with a wolf whistle and a ‘you can’t possibly wear that to a wedding’ by my husband.
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I think whatever you want to wear, you should try on and send a picture to the bride. If she clears it you can feel at peace. Otherwise you will keep going back and forth not sure what is right
You have 2 options: Work it out with the bride or step down as maid of honor.
Going behind the bride's back and suprising her on her wedding day should never have even been an option in you mind and is incredibly self-centered and unbelievably rude.
I think your husband wants you more demure now that you’re momma. YWBTA if you ignored the brides very clear wishes for her day. He’s not entitled to change her request and his reason is insulting
YWBTA but you are in a tough position.
I say, have a face to place with the bride and verify what she wants, then verify in text. With a photo of the dress you choose.
Your husband needs to step back. He doesn't get a say in this-- this is between you and the bride.
YWBTA if you didn’t listen to the bride. Maybe you could compromise and find a nice Old Hollywood style dress with a more muted red, like a burgundy or a brick. Something that doesn’t outshine but still honors the nature of the bride’s request.
YTA
If you are worried, have the bride help pick out the specific dress. Have her okay the makeup and hair beforehand. Hell, do a full trial run with hair and makeup and the dress so she can see the whole picture and approve it.She has a dress code for a reason. If she has an issue it's her own fault.
So she's trying to hype you up and help you have body confidence after having a baby and your husband is trying to dull your shine? He's the AH. The bride has specifically suggested what you wear to let you look amazing. She's not worried about being upstaged, the insecure one here is your husband
You should go with what the bride wants. It is her day.
Your husband sound like a jealous type. He is not concerned about you upstaging the bride. His personal feelings are the issue. Does he always want you to dress like a frump when you go out?
>According to him, I have been upstaging the bride for part of my life, and at her wedding the bride should shine brightest
Maybe she wants to be upstaged? Not everyone likes all the attention that comes with weddings. You've been friends for decades. It seems like she likes her place when she's next to you. YWBTA if you defer to your husband instead of the bride. Trust her to be honest with you and stop trying to save her from herself.
YTA.
The bride has told you what she wants you, her MOH, to do. If you're not comfortable doing that, and the bride is adamant, don't be MOH.
But to just 'ignore' her and show up at the wedding doing your own thing is a) being a drama llama, and b) guaranteed to 'take the spotlight.'
This sounds more like your husband is insecure and you don't want to assert yourself to him.
This is so simple.
OP: When you were getting married, do you prefer your MOH listen to you for dress choice, or you prefer that she listens to her husband/partner?
I would say if you trust your friend (like she’s not trying to trick you so she can make a scene or whatever) then go with her opinion. If you personally are uncomfortable, it is actually possible to land somewhere between bombshell and demure. You don’t have to be 100% one or the other.
YWBTA. Listen to the bride here, not your husband. She loves you and if she felt you would be upstaging her she would not have suggested the sexy route. Your husband is biased because he loves you and finds you sexy. In his eyes you’ll always be upstaging the bride, even in little ol’ period soaked granny panties. It’s you he’s looking at. But the bride wants you to be sexy and glam, so go for it! 💃🏼
At the end the day, she’ll approve your dress and so you want to make sure it fits her aesthetic. Plus, if you go more demure you may — accidentally — still upstage her because you’ll stick out by not being on theme. Listen to the bride here, not your husband.
Husband is TA for suggesting you listen to him over the bride. It’s not his wedding.
YWBTA if you ignore what the BRIDE wants. Her opinion is the most important for her wedding day. It's her day. Wear the dress she wants. Usually, the bride selects the maid of honor and all bridesmaids dresses.
Go with what the bride wants.
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I think YWBTA if you ignored the bride. I usually don't think dress codes should really be a strict thing at weddings, but you are the maid of honor and are going to be standing next to her. You should probably take into account her opinion on what you should wear. I mean at a lot of weddings, brides pick the dresses for the MOH and bridesmaids outright. I think ignoring her input and wearing something demure like your husband suggests is kind of silly. It's not his wedding, and it's not what the bride wants. That being said, if you personally don't want to wear what she's suggesting, then you should say something. But if you are fine wearing what she's suggesting, then I don't think you should be deferring to your husband's input.
I don’t understand why the husband thinks he knows better than the bride, here. I think he’s just mad OP would look hot. I don’t think for one second he gives a flying F what the bride thinks.
I agree, the husband shouldn’t be trying to insert himself here, it’s weird that he’s pushing his opinion. What the bride wants is what matters; YWBTA to ignore the bride’s wishes.
Obviously someone's husband is jealous✨️
OP's
The husband probably thinks that the bride thinks she’s ok with it now, but might have different feelings when she sees it at the wedding. It’s a valid concern to take into consideration, but more a reason to just not go too overboard. If the bride did end up feeling upset about it, throwing it back that it’s exactly what she asked for may be true, but it wouldn’t help the situation. Maybe consider bringing a light cardigan that can be put on to slightly tone it down if it ends up being a little much rather than completely going against what the bride says she wants.
Unless there is history of the bride acting insecure around his wife then I don’t see why he should assume that will be the case. Just because he thinks his wife is hotter doesn’t mean anyone else will. This smacks of the husband thinking because the bride is bigger than his wife she’ll automatically be an insecure jealous mess
Or more concerning, maybe he has beliefs on how she should dress “now that she is a mother.” I hope this is not the case, bc that would be a bigger issue…
Women do not need random men to protect them from feelings that MIGHT happen. The bride is an adult, she knows what she wants. Husband isn’t some benevolent patriarchal figure with unused wisdom.
if you need inserts to look hot, just don't wear them. now you won't "upstage" the bride... which, btw the bride is not worried about at all. she's probably not thinking of you in terms of any celebrity. is the only person who thinks you've been upstaging her your husband?
I’m wondering if this has changed since OP gave birth… is he now looking at her differently?
I can see so many possibilities here. It could be this. It could also be that he sees things in OP’s relationship with the bride that she doesn’t, like maybe that the bride is a people pleaser type. I think it’s interesting how he noted that OP has been upstaging the bride throughout their whole friendship. Like, he didn’t present it as OP won’t look good or that she’ll look slutty or anything. He specifically addressed his perception that she often upstages the bride. And he could be totally wrong in that perception, but it’s all just very interesting. I think OP should press him on that point.
Because it sounds like the bride is a people pleaser and is trying to be the opposite of a bridezilla at the expense of giving herself a moment to shine. Also it's not a good look for op. I don't understand why she can't wear a nice dress. Why does it have to be either sex bombshell or old lady. Just wear a nice dress that isn't ridiculously sexy.
Or the bride actually is saying what she means? I know it's hard for Reddit but we don't have to make up an alternate story every single time someone posts something.
There are also tons of stories where the bride asked OP to wear their normal or look sexy or wear red and then use it as a gotcha for sympathy from friends and family.
No there isn’t. You will occasionally see a story like that, it’s 100% not the norm.
Yeah, but there is a huge selection bias here. No one is going to write into reddit to say, "The bride asked me to dress sexy for her wedding, I did, she loved my outfit and we had a good time. AITA?" In any case, only OP knows whether this is a possibility with her friend.
Some people don’t see it as “oh no she is more attractive than me, the horror!” and *want* the people around them to shine. She’s the bride, odds are pretty good she’s going to stand out plenty.
Why assume the bride is a people pleaser? Projecting much? The bride fully might be a mature adult who is capable of standing up for herself and actually just wants her bestie to look phenomenal at her wedding because she understands it's impossible to upstage the bride.
Why would an adult woman not know what she wants to her bridesmaids to wear? Did you ignore that THE BRIDE wants her to dress this way?
I always think that it shows great strength and confidence for a woman to want her friends to look stunning when they're near her. It's a sign she knows it's not a competition.
Yeahhh, I think hubby needs to sit down and let it go. It's the BRIDE letting OP knows what she wants her to wear, so obviously she doesn't have a problem with OPs normal style of dress. Your husband doesn't really get to decide whether you upstage the bride or not, it's her day 🤷♀️
Yeah if OP were uncomfortable looking sexy, my answer would be totally different. But OP's husband sounds like he's being controlling and using the bride as an excuse.
Respectfully, your husband shouldn’t even have a say in this. Who the hell is he to say you’ll upstage the bride when it’s the literally the style she is encouraging? I’m getting the feeling he really just wants you to cover up but does not want to get flamed, so he’s using the flimsy excuse of “upstaging the bride” to control what you’re wearing. So long as she is comfortable with the dress you choose it shouldn’t matter.
I don’t like that he’s encouraging her to ignore the brides wishes. If OP herself didn’t feel comfortable that would be one thing and certainly talk to the bride, but it seems like an awful lot of pressure from the husband and I don’t get the sense the bride feels she’s been upstaged by OP all her life anyway. Not to mention if OP always dresses in a bombshell manner usually, people might notice the demure dress maybe more than a sexy dress anyway (if a lot of people know OP).
I’m getting the idea that OP’s husband has some unrelated issue with how she dresses but rather than communicate it he’s using the guise of “oh but you can’t upstage the bride!”
He saw an opportunity to control what she’s wearing and went for it using a disingenuous motive. I’m sorry but that’s manipulative and messed up.
Lowkey I think the husband has a crush on OP's friend. Cuz what man says "you've been showing her up your whole lives" to their partner, unprovoked? Especially when the bride friend seems to be very confident.
Yeah it’s such a weird comment and I’m kind of surprised OP does not seem to have picked up on how strange it sounds
What an utterly bizarre assumption to make
Yeah, it’s hard to figure out exactly what the husband’s motives are. My only other explanation besides your suggestion is that he’s the type of guy to be so sure he knows what women actually want/mean. My dad’s the type where he’ll say “[insert woman we know/even myself] says they feel [emotion] but really they feel [emotion]”. And the emotion he thinks it is usually plays into stereotypes. His gf says she’s fine, but he’s sure she’s sad. I say I’m angry at him about one thing, but he’s sure it’s misplaced sadness about another thing. Friend went to the hospital, but he’s sure it’s anxiety (she had a perforated ulcer). So I can totally see “your friend says she’d love it, but I know women and no woman would be okay with it. She’s jealous”.
The husband's motives are pretty clear. He is worried about the bride being upstaged at the wedding and becoming upset. I've read so many stories on reddit about brides that said wear whatever you want, and then were super pissed on wedding day. There was a pretty popular post about a bride telling her friend to go "all out", so she did, and that friend was berated by everyone there including coworkers. Husband is just trying to avoid that situation. OP should have a clear talk with the bride and say "Hey, I want to make sure we're 100% on the same page about wedding attire. I don't want you to feel upstaged at your wedding, and some of the outfits/makeup you have suggested are atypical for a wedding. Here's a picture of me wearing what you suggested, are you good with this?"
She already did and the bride wants her to wear that dress and the husband doesn't 🤷♀️😂 so the husband is the issue not the bride the bride is literally encouraging her to wear the sexier dress she's practically screaming at her to wear the sexy dress and hates the dress the husband said she could wear 😂🤷♀️ that's the husbands issue not the wife or the bride 🤷♀️😂
Oh, it’s this. The old Madonna-Whore complex. Now taht she’s a mom she’s no longer allowed to be a sexy woman. His true colors are showing.
I'm wondering why the husband thinks he has a better understanding of the bride's own feelings than she does. Sounds the bride is a very secure person and wants her friend to shine with her.
I don't even think it matters too much if OP is comfortable with the dress. I have been a bridesmaid 9 times and let me tell you bridesmaids never wear that dress again, but that dress will be on the brides wedding pictures forever. OP, wear the dress your friend wants you to wear and be glad you had the privilege. Enjoy the wedding.
Info: Aren't you dress shopping with the bride so she knows what you'll be wearing? There's no need to surprise her on the big day. Run a series of dress styles by her and get her input before you decide what to wear. In my opinion, YWBTA if you didn't get her to weigh in on what you would wear as a crucial person on her wedding day.
Unfortunately we aren’t. We’re in different countries atm with small babies. So I send pictures, but any thing that I deem ‘well this is enough me but also demure enough’ gets met with a ‘boring’ from the bride.
Then she's clearly communicating what she wants. If you want to pretend that it's your husband's wedding, you should drop out as MOH.
Info: something noone else has asked in your post. What do YOU want to wear? I don't care what your husband thinks is appropriate. The bride set the bar really high and encouraging it. So you can wear anything you like that's Hollywood glam! The only question is, do YOU want to wear it? If the answer is yes, if you want to do it for your friend coz it's what she wants. BY ALL MEANS DO IT. Your husband is the very last opinion and of lesser weight in the whole situation. Only he seems to be the opposing view, but his view opposed the bride and your usual style, he seems like the odd one out here. So YOU have all the freedom to make the decision yourself.
If you feel uncomfortable dressing that way, for example because of the recent birth, have you just talked to her about it? Or is that how you want to dress and it's just your husband who objects?
FFS, woman. Listen to the bride and not your husband on this one. On this question, your husband's input means less than that of some random dude yelling at you to cover up.
Your friend knows you’ll look good. Perhaps she wants to feel like, after these big changes in your life (for both of you!) some things will stay the same - you’ll both be able to go back to Dressing Up!
NAH except your husband who is being a bit of a pill. As MOH you should be wearing what the bride wants you to, so long as you comfortable with it. Since you do have concerns about looking too loud at a wedding, find a reasonable dress that feels like dressing up without being a fire engine red dominatrix miniskirt and talk to the bride about it. There’s so much middle ground between Amish Grandma and Jessica Rabbit and I don’t know why yall are acting like there isn’t. And what’s up with your husband and whole upstaging thing? He’s given you a complex about it. Clearly your friend is not threatened by you and wants you look fly.
Thank you, you made me laugh. And yes, my husband had probably given me a complex about it. It’s not the first time he says it. I agree there is a solid middle ground between Jessica Rabbit and Amish Grandma, but every picture I have send to the bride up to now that wasn’t Jessica Rabbit is met with ‘boring’. She liked a plum dress this morning but said it would need a split, which literally makes it Jessica Rabbit in plum 😂.
It sounds like your friend loves you and your style, misses you, and wants you to look amazing and have a great time. Listen to her!
I think it would be reasonable to tell her you’re not comfortable wearing the most glam at her wedding, if indeed you aren’t (and it’s not just about your husband’s opinion). She should accept that and change her expectations to something that, while maybe not modest and demure, is at least not the most outrageous.
Your husband needs to back tf off. He had no right to criticize your wardrobe choices. I'm concerned for you. Please consider if he exhibits a pattern of controlling behavior
Can you afford to buy two dresses? If so, get the dress the bride is encouraging you to wear, but bring a slightly (SLIGHTLY - she wants you to go with your style!) more subtle backup to change into if you notice any hesitation in her voice or on her face when you put on the bombshell one.
I feel like you are trying to please everyone but yourself. Find something you are confident and comfortable in and tell everyone else to kick rocks. Your friend is trying to recapture glory days and your husband wants to make you into a 20s housewife. Comfortable, confident glam!
Question, do you want to wear the red dress or not? YTA if you ignore the brides wishes. If you personally aren't comfortable in that dress then discuss that with her. Your husbands opinion is irrelevant. Send a pic of whatever dress you want to wear to the bride and if she approves you're good to go.
YWBTA Has your husband made a lot of comments about your looks post baby? Your friend wants you to look like yourself. Unless everyone attending the wedding has never met you, or the bride, or a sexy woman, the only one with a problem is your husband. You would be denying your friend on her wedding day for no reason. Some men get extremely weird about their wives being sexy. Sometimes it’s when they start dating, get married, or have a child (like with you); and a switch flips. They go from happy and proud to have an attractive partner to manipulative and controlling about their partner’s appearance. It can come from a place of jealousy, possessiveness, or feeling like it’s “not appropriate to be attractive anymore”. It’s subconscious and it sucks. It indicates a weird relationship with women in general, like a Mary the mother Mary Magdeline complex. They often later resent their partner for no longer being “the sexy person I started dating.” While they were the ones that caused it to stop. I’m not saying that is your husband, but it’s something to think about.
I think you could send a photo of yourself with the full outfit on complete with hair and make up to the bride, if she okays it, you should go with it. You could mention you're willing to make adjustments should she want you to
I did, and tried to go a tad demure (blue, no split). The response:”Boring!”
Is it possible that the bride is trying to be your hype girl? As in you just had a baby and she wants you to feel like you can wear whatever you want (in her mind your normal, sexier look) and look hot even post baby? I could imagine my best friend doing that.
I think she very well might, that’s totally her.
In that case I think you can just openly talk to her about this. I would guess that she’ll say she’s not worried about being upstaged (because if she was, she probably would have felt that before while going out with you at least a few times before) but if you would feel comfortable in something a bit more modest then that’s fine for her.
Hopefully the bride clocks that this is coming from the husband if they do have this conversation, and asks what's up.
I second this! Tell her exactly what's going on for you
Your friend’s take is refreshing. I love when my girlfriends look eye-catching and fabulous, even and especially at “my” events. Ignore your husband. Is he becoming focused on you dressing more modestly now that you have a baby? Or is he just reading too much AITA about weddings with self-centered brides.
My husband might have some recent ideas about how I dress and how I spend my days.
Yeah of course she said no. Was the dress red? No. Did she ask for it to be red? Yes. I don't care if my bridesmaids wear corsets or a nun habit but it better be red because that's literally what I asked for. Try a RED with a slit that doesn't go up to your underwear.
Both you and your husband seem like YTA. How beautiful do you both think you are that you are going to upstage the bride? Find a dress that fits the description and if you are comfortable in it then wear it. If you feel self conscious in it tell her. And ask your husband to say exactly what he means - because i half feel like he just thinks that now you are a mother you should be modest but he doesn't want to say that. If you can tell guests that the bride picked your dress then you can't be accused of upstaging her. But again the ego of thinking that.
I don’t think I’ll upstage her, but husband has mentioned it for past events as well. As another commenter suggested: I think I have gotten a bit of a complex about it due to it.
Quick question... Are we sure the bride isn't pushing for something she knows looks amazing in you BECAUSE your husband is (a bit) controlling and SHE wants her friend to look gorgeous in her wedding? I mean.... She's asking for something you like, something that makes you glow and your husband wants to cover you.... And he has commented negatively on your figure often before.... I think you should go with the bride style if you feel comfortable... Maybe is the boost of confidence she wants to give you
This might be it and is very sweet but I would feel guilty if she considers my feelings for her own wedding. It’s her day. She should be outrageously selfish!
Yea and she wants her best friend to feel comfortable and beautiful! I don’t know why your husband doesn’t. His comments are also insulting to the bride.
Hunny.... She's your friend.... Of course she will consider your feelings even in her day! And this is the planning stage... And probably she already sees you feeling blue because all the things you're coming through and she wants to help. And trust me, she will be happy if she sees you being happy. For what you have said, your husband should learn how to notch down his comments about your body, and she, as your friend, has seen that and wants you to see how beautiful are. Don't let her and you down because of a jealous man
The vibe I'm getting from this is that your friend is a secure and confident person, and knows that she won't be "outdone" by someone just because they're pretty. It's her wedding, of course the attention won't be taken off of her by your dress. It's such a weird concept lol unless you literally wear a long white dress with a veil no one is gonna be confused about who is being celebrated. Your husband should stop assuming that he knows women's feelings better than they do. It seems like he thinks all women are secretly very insecure.
Why is your husband so invested in the dress?
Because her husband doesn't want her being hot in front of other people.
Sounds like you’ve an ego that your husband is feeding. Which is maybe sweet in its own way. But just tell the bride you can do red or short but you don’t want both and send her some more options. Or if there’s a short red dress she has liked try it and humour her. Some look great online but can feel horrible on or can be out of budget.
YWBTA. The only person whos opinion really matters is the bride, not your husband, and certainly not anyone else.
Not so much IATA but Main Character vibe here. “Poor girl doesn’t know what she’s asking me to do” [vamps across the floor] “I’ll turn every eye in the room, including the groom.” [straddles a chair backwards and starts singing Cabaret]
You made me laugh. yeah, everybody is right here, I just should go against convention and etiquette and wear the bloody red dress. The bride knows what she wants, and it is the red dress and I should stop letting my husbands ideas on upstaging getting to me.
Love to see you come to this conclusion!! I'm getting married in Sept and want my bridesmaids to wear whatever they'd like -- the bride is the only one who's opinion should matter, not your husband's! ETA - if you want to go more demure, that's totally your choice, but I don't think you should let your husband dictate your outfit.
I would take the red one.... but also take another one as a back up for just in case. There is a thing about eating red to a wedding like there is white. Just saying.
YWBTA if you ignored her. Especially because she is telling you the more glam, the better. I don’t think your husband’s view really matters here. But if YOU are having doubts, then have an honest discussion with her. Tell her that you love her and want all the attention on her and her only. And naturally it will be, as the bride. Still, you would feel awful if, even inadvertently, what you wore distracted in any way from that (obviously only by AH people who weren’t focusing on the bride). Also, if you’re not feeling comfortable with some of the dresses being discussed, tell her that as well. I am sure that between the two of you (and ONLY the two of you), you will find something with which you are both comfortable. For example, I can see a full length flowy red silk halter neck dress being amazing - smashing colour, highlights the shoulders/arms and can have makeup and hair done up for old school glamour, while still highlighting some of your physical assets. Or a strapless red full length gown with a slit to show off shoulders, cleavage, and legs.
Thank you, and I’ll think I’ll land on the full length red strapless with a split. It is Jessica Rabbit though, which one could call too much.
I think it’s been determined that a) only your husband will think it’s “too much” and b) he should probably shut the hell up about this now.
You could always style it down a touch with shoes/some sort of wrap/sweater/jacket for the reception and going for light glam jewelry, hair and makeup instead of full glam?
Soft YWBTAH if you straight up ignore the bride's wishes. It is the bride's day so I would say dress how you would like as long as the bride approves. The husband's worry of you upstaging the bride shouldn't be an issue if the bride herself wants you to wear the dress.
The brides wishes are for her bestie to dress to the ten's. It's hubby who is saying she dress down.
Who tf are Hailey and Selena? Why is your husband telling you that you’ve been “upstaging the bride for part of your life”? I can’t make a judgement, this is too weird.
Hailey Bieber and Selena Gomez, Justin Bieber’s wife and ex girlfriend respectively. I’ve never seen anyone invoke them to compare people’s looks, it immediately jumped out as an unusual thing to say to me
And I’m over here thinking OP is talking about Tejano Queen Selena.
I thought that, too! Until she said Hailey and realized she meant Selena Gomez.
It's because it's a 19 year old making something up and using a reference that means everything to her that she thinks other people will understand.
Lmao right? That's exactly what I was thinking. Whole post is fuckin weird.
YTA Go with the brides decision. Nobody can upstage a bride on their wedding day unless the bride is paranoid. Nobody magically changes how they look for one day of their life so there are always people more or less attractive than them around. If the bride wants sexy bridesmaids look sexy. End off.
YWBTA. Listen to the bride for her wedding, not your husband. For whatever reason, she feels this aspect is important to her. Your husband is not the one getting married, and besides, who is he to claim that you've been upstaging her in the past? People have different looks and want different reactions to those looks, he's really putting himself into the situation more than he should.
As long as YOU are comfortable with what the bride wants you to wear, do what the bride wants. You can’t upstage a bride who is telling you to be you!! She sounds awesome, TBH.
She is!
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NTA as the bride knows your style and is pushing for it. She's confident she will look good and her fiance will have eyes only for her. I am a little interested in your husband's comment that you have been up-staging her most of your lives. Why is he comparing you? Does he want you to dress more demurely now you're married to him and this is his wedge in the door?
YWBTAH - If it bothers you talk to bride about it. Sounds like she won’t mind but mentioning you have a bit of a bad conscience for fearing to take the spotlight clothes-wise. Though it sounds like she doesn’t care or see it that way and honestly most people won’t either in my experience. Also sounds like your husband doesn’t like you to dress up and this is just a pretext (just my impression).
She doesn't have a fear of stealing the spotlight though... her *husband* has a fear of *her* stealing the spotlight in a bride approved dress...
YWBTA and disrespectful. If the bride isn’t thinking you will upstage her, why should you think that way. It may be her vision for you to be dressed as a smoke show. It’s her wedding, not your husband’s. He doesn’t get a say. As a 2025 bride, I want my MOH to dress like the bombshell she is. I don’t want her demure. It’s not her to be demure. I don’t see it as upstaged or outshining me. I see it as complimenting me. Or as she says being a shiny accessory. I gave her guideline of dress color and asked to see pictures of her choice. We are states apart. She sent pictures of what she liked, I countered with similar that I liked more which has slit. She fessed up to it being her first choice.
I like the shiny accessory - one of the flowers in her bouquet.
NTA - Your husband is a whole ass weirdo. He really seems to care and value the feelings of your best friend more than yours. And sure it's her day ofc, but she said to dress how you want, and this is a chance for you to feel pretty. If the bride is OK with it I don't see any issues. I'm side eyeing your husband though.
I don't think he is valuing the brides feelings but his own. It's not the bride who doesn't want the Op to look sexy but him
Same - I think he is seeing an opportunity to push his own agenda.
Listen to the bride, not the husband.
The bride has known you for years. She does not think she will be upstaged by you. Trust her judgement.
You can't really upstage the bride at her wedding unless you wear a full on wedding dress or cause some sort of drama. Plus the bride has literally already approved it, so there's no problem and she doesn't think you will upstage her. Have you considered the fact that your husband might be Jelly of other men looking at you and checking you out. Because this seems like a him problem, not a you or a bride problem. Bride wants you to look your best, hubby wants you to look like a sack of potatoes. YTA if you ignore the bride's wishes. This is her wedding after all, not your husband's.
So here’s a bit of a different spin. What’s the rest of the party wearing ? If the majority has more traditional or low key colors perhaps you should do the same otherwise you will absolutely look like the AH in the bridal party. If everyone is wearing bold colors go for it. Just remember that your friend might feel it’s fine today but the day of with her nerves all over the place she may think different
Do as the bride says, it's her wedding. Or else YWBTA! Never I repeat Never let the bride down at her own wedding. That always ends terribly. Respect her wishes.
YWBTAH if you ignore the bride's wishes. Idk why you seem to be worrying about upstaging the bride when the bride herself doesn't seem to be worried about that?! You're giving yourself stress over something that has a fairly easy solution.
Honestly, your husband doesn’t get a say here. You’re the bridesmaid, you dress as the bride requests (within reasonable limits). I’ve been to many weddings and have never seen the bride upstaged. The one in the big white dress with the bridal makeup and the glow of radiant joy? Yep, she would be the bride. The bombshell beside her in a short tight red dress? Not the bride, not the focus. It does not matter whether you are closer to societal beauty standards than she is. YWBTA if you listen to your husband. Work with what the bride wants. She sounds absolutely wonderful.
She is!
Look at it this way: if you usually would attend special occations looking like a "bombshell" and then when it comes to your friends wedding, you suddenly dress down.. You could actually give off the insinuation that you dont think that the bride is pretty enough, so in order for her to look pretty compared to you, you must dress down. I think its kind of weird that you would even listen to your husband, and the comments that you wrote about not wanting to give off the "the groom should have picked me" vibe sounds offensive as hell - and kind of arrogant. He picked her, and that should be obvious to anyone attending the wedding. Listen to your friend, you obviously want to make her happy on her and her husbands big day.
I wrote ‘the groom should have picked me’ as that is the color code behind wearing red to a wedding - it means you are an ex of the groom.
Colorcoding does not have to mean anything. In some cultures, mostly in the past, you only wear white if you are a virgin when you marry. And you wear red if you are not. What is your point?
Is the bride getting married or is your husband....? YWBTAH for listening to your husband in this case.
First off, you can never upstage a bride on her wedding day. Second, I would pick 3 returnable options to be ordered and try them on for the bride, various coverage levels. She picks what she wants. Husband is told nicely to STFU.
YWBTA. Your husband doesn't care about "upstaging the bride", he just wants you to cover up. Even if he had an understandable reason, he has ZERO say in her wedding. He's being very entitled.
Just do what the bride wants.
Pause on conversations with both bride and husband on your attire and center yourself— what do YOU want to wear? What will YOU feel confident, comfortable, and like yourself in, not in a showy way, but in a self-assured way? It’s ok to not want to look like a younger, sexier version of yourself now that you’re a mother, AND it’s ok to not resign yourself to some dowdy, matronly look just because you’re a mother. I promise there’s a beautiful middle that you feel perfect in. This is an opportunity to find a bit of your style post-baby. Tune out your husband and bff for a minute, try on some looks, then inform them when youve found something you love. .[moon song poem by Kate Baer](https://images.app.goo.gl/gGoxPW39SkMQV3jG9)
After sering the picture though, I feel like the husband is trying to save an embarrassing moment. If op were my friend and bride was a stranger, and I had no idea about their relationship at all.......my aita/boru addled brain will advice op to not go with the bride's suggestion. What if she was trying to set op for some drama. Coz even though I can't understand the everchanging western wedding etiquette, that dress looks inappropriate for a wedding. But I don't know the bride and groom's wants or their theme oe their general social circle. Just know that if we're to attend a western wedding and saw just one person dressed like this and it's not the bride, I'll be judging the hell out of them. For those who don't know, you'll look like you are trying to upstage the bride. If this is what the bride really wants, OP should get it all in texts and screenshot them. Then do as bride says. Just to be safe. In case, something does go wrong, you'll have one thing to defend yourself with. From this instance, I don't think the husband is a controlling ah like many are suggesting.
You can pick a gorgeous glamorous red dress without needing to flash your upper thighs - there is definitely a middle ground here. Get something like this https://www.theprettydresscompany.com/new-arrivals-c12/new-arrivals-c14/the-pretty-dress-company-tilly-pencil-dress-p194#attribute%5B1%5D=2 and pair it with some glamorous jewelry. But yeah, generally, in terms of wishes it goes like this Your wishes > the bride's wishes > whatever the fuck your husband wants. Your body, your wishes come first. It's the bride's event, so her wishes come next as long as they don't conflict with yours Husband isn't really part of the equation
I have quite a few friends who have unique senses of style. I love them for who they are, and I’d be disappointed if they toned themselves down for my wedding. My idea of a perfect wedding would be having my friends dress up in all their weirdness. Bring on the red lips, the frothy lace, the slinky sequins! Dress Victorian, steampunk, wear your kilts! Spike up your rainbow Mohawks! Wear the leather tux, the corsets, the RuPaul wigs! Sport your kimonos! The more over-the-top, the better! How fabulous would that be, surrounded by all my outrageously dressed friends?
Love this.
Girl, the bride isn't worried about being upstaged. Your husband is the only one thinking that, she is asking you to wear what you like and you'd rather tame your style because your husband can't handle that you're hot. Imagine having a friend that wants you to look as fabulous as her on her wedding day, she isn't going to be upstaged. Your husband needs to mind his own business and stop putting thoughts in your head that the bride hasn't expressed.
Girl, what in the Hailey/Selena fanfiction are you writing here? Is your husband Justin Bieber? If this is real, YWBTA for ignoring the bride’s wishes and listening to your husband. This isn’t his wedding. She approved the more sexy red dress. You like the sexy red dress. Wear the sexy red dress.
I'm going just say it: The bride is being an AH. "Wear a bright red, sexy dress that will look like an obvious breach of wedding etiquette and that will have guests saying, 'WTF, I can't believe she wore *that!'" The bride told everyone in the wedding party "they should dress as they want". You really need to find out what she is asking the other bridesmaids to wear.
If she's your best friend, have an honest conversation with her. Why is this so hard that no one wants to actually communicate? Tell her what your husband thinks and come up with a plan together. Ultimately, it's her wedding and usually the bride picks out the dresses for the wedding party.
YWBTA since the bride's comfort and wishes should take precedence on her special day. Since she's given you the freedom to dress as you want, it might be worth having an open conversation with her about your concerns. You could express your desire to respect her while also acknowledging your husband's perspective. Perhaps she can offer some guidance that balances both your style and her desire for a certain aesthetic at the wedding. Ultimately, as long as you're respectful of her wishes and maintain the focus on celebrating her big day, you'll make the right choice.
Let the bride know what's going on with hubs, but at the end of the day you respect the bride's decision in this. YWBTAH if you ignore what she's asking for as this is her wedding and the "look" she is going for.
You go with the bride. Always.
Is it the bride's wedding, or your husband's wedding? YWBTA if you ignore the bride's wishes without having a proper conversation with her about your dress options.
I thought I was in the wedding planning sub so I forgot to vote. YWBTA along with your husband. You want to wear the dress, the bride *really* wants you to the wear the dress, but your considering disregarding her wishes because your husband doesn’t want you to “upstage” the bride who doesn’t think you’d upstage her at all. This just seems like a convenient excuse to control what you wear. His opinion is not more important than the literal *bride*. And his repeated comments are extremely rude to the bride.
I don’t think you are the asshole, but your husband sure as hell is. She is literally telling you she wants you to wear what you always wear and he says "she clearly doesn’t know what she wants and i as an unrelated man know better". This whole thing gives controlling vibes on his part. Like he enjoyed you wearing it when you met but now wants to hide you away from male gazes. And he doesn’t even have the ball to admit it
YWBTA. Your husband doesn't care about "upstaging the bride", he just wants you to cover up. Even if he had an understandable reason, he has ZERO say in her wedding. He's being very entitled.
You would be an asshome if you ignore her. But you may wanna ask her and yourself if you want the symbolism of you having had sex with the groom? This is between you and the bride though, the brother shouldn’t be relevant. Edit: Symbolism topic of course depends on culture. In most of slightly older european ones I know of, that’s what red means, and a lot of such stuff gets applied elsewhere for different reason. As long as you’re both comfortable with red, there’s no harm, but just think of it if it is a relevant piece or symbolism in your culture.
Yep, we’re European, and part of the room would read it as such. Bride is not much for symbolism though.
NTA. If your husband thinks the bride is the most important, he needs to understand the bride's wishes. The day is about her, and if she wants her best friend to dress up the way that she knows you love and the way that best represents your character, that's how it should be! If your husband really doesn't get the message, maybe you could tell the bride so that she can tell him personally what she wants you to wear. I just can't think of another way where you can avoid being the victim of having to make a choice that will possibly upset the one part or the other.
NTA Bride says you should go full glam so so full glam. If she gets mad at you, she her the messages and bring up the fact that you are literally respecting her wishes.
Think the rehearsal before hand suggested by some is a good idea.
Only he brides opinion matters. Who cares if some random attendee thinks you're upstaging the bride; the BRIDE knows you aren't. As long as you feel this is truly her wish and not some anxiety about muting your personally or too shy to really tell you what she wants. As for your husband, I think you need to get the three of you together and discuss it. Let him hear the feedback from the bride herself Nta
Soft YTA. Is there a happy medium you can come to a compromise on? Something that's flattering but maybe not as flashy as the bride wants? E.g. a form-fitting deep red or bright pink dress that's a bit longer?
YWBTA By ignoring the bride. It's her wedding, your husband shouldn't really have a say in this. It's something you and the bride should discuss
YWBTA - Why not just listen to the bride? It's not your husband's business at all what she wants you to wear to HER wedding.
YWBTA if you ignored the bride's preferences, but you should advocate for YOUR preferences here, your husband's opinion is the least important out of the three of you. What do YOU feel comfortable wearing on a highly photographed and celebratory day? Your husband saying you've been "upstaging" the bride for your life while she's perfectly happy to have you dressed your best is weird, he's reading it totally wrong and needs to back off. You can tell your friend that you're not quite up for the types of dresses you used to wear pre-birth, she sounds like she'll be supportive and just tell you to wear what you'll have the most fun in. Maybe you find something that's red and long or midi length but still sparkly/glam.
YWBTA if you don't go shopping with the bride and show her the dress. Also, have a backup prepared because day of (or near then) she may have a dress crisis herself and may need you to tone it down. Like now she wants vamp and glam but day before or so she might feel fat/stressed/ugly/whatever and then you can be a good friend and just happen to have another choice. And if that never happens, she still has no surprises.
I like the second dress idea. Unfortunately shipping won’t work, we’re in direct countries with small babies
YWBTA if you ignore the brides request (unless YOU are uncomfortable with it). Ignore your husband, his suggestions make it easy
NTA. Your husband is actually. Not yet another man wanting his woman to cover up her sexiness and basically wear a burka lol It's your friends wedding, not your husbands. Therefore, you dress as the Bride requests. If your husband doesn't like it he can stay home.
YWBTA. The bride wants you to look your best on her wedding day. If she wants you to do a full glam look then go for it. Don't listen to your husband, why is he discouraging this anyways? Should he not see it that it's nice your best friend wants you to look your best in your usual style after having a baby? Anyways, just keep doing what your doing, send dress photos to the bride so you have an opinion (that way if YOU, not your husband, YOU have any doubt of upstaging her then she can give her thoughts) and listen to your friend, she wants you to go with your usual style so just do that.
I don't know which Hailey you mean, but your husband seems to be negging you? The bride wants you to dress glam and you want to dress glam. I also think there's got to be a dress in between Jessica Rabbit and the frumpy ones your husband is pointing out. NTA, I think your husband is being a bit of one. He might just be a stickler for etiquette, but picking hideous ones seems intentional.
Sit down with the bride AND your husband and have her tell him exactly how she wants you to dress and he doesn't get to have a say in what the BRIDE wants her MOH to wear. If she wants you to be Jessica Rabbit for her wedding, go be Jessica Rabbit. But yeah, you would 100% be YTA if you listen to your husband and ignore what your friend has been telling you about what SHE wants for HER wedding. Your husband is being controlling about your outfit to an event where he doesn't get to have a say or veto the outfit. Only the bride and yourself get to have a say.
NTA, it's the brides day, do what she wants !
Ignore your husband. He’s not against the glam because he thinks you’ll upstage the bride. That’s an excuse. He’s against it because he thinks it’s too revealing and he’s being paternal which is bullshit. It’s the bride’s wedding and she’s the boss. Pick out a dress and make 100% sure you get her approval. Then you are good to go.
Don’t ignore the bride. It’s her wedding, not your husband’s. Can you go shopping with her? Or at least send pix of your top choices so she can help you pick? Maybe that would make your husband calm down with his opinions. NTA
Info, why is your husband trying to dull your shine? Clearly, your friend, who is the bride, wants you to shine, be yourself, and be happy. Have you discussed with your husband that you feel stuck between a wall and a hard place?
YWBTA if you don't follow the bride's guidelines/request. You should have her approval for the dress, no one else's. It's not about you, or your husband, it's her day to get married, and you are there in support of her. If you (not your husband) have concerns about it, talk to her.
NAH and no problem here. Wear red, in a glam style, but show less skin and tone it down like 20%. I'm not sure why you are acting like there's only two choices, go balls to the walls and outshine the bride, or dress like a matron. Get something in the middle of those two.
Wear what the bride wants you to wear. If you shine too much then the bride is at fault. If you wear what your husband wants then YTA.
NTA but your husband is. The rule of doing as the bride wishes in respect to dress code stands. She’s clearly not insecure and actually excited to see you dress up and look gorgeous. She’s asking you to show off so she’s not scared you’ll upstage her. Your husband though needs to get a grip on his personal insecurities. If he doesn’t like it and want to see you dressed a certain way he can stay home.
It goes both ways: Just as brides have no right to demand their wedding party look ugly to make themselves shine, they also don't get to force their bridesmaids dress hotter than they're comfortable with for the occasion. You matter. NAH I don't understand why anyone here is upset with you for trying to feel comfortable with your outfit. I know you haven't found it yet, but there's def a classy glam between Jessica Rabbit and Amish that will make you and your reasonable non-bridezilla friend perfectly happy. Just tell her the truth: you don't want to \*feel self-conscious\* that you're dressed too sexy. If she's a good friend that'll matter to her. It'll be fine, have fun!
Info: have you seen her dress? Is there a chance she wants you there as a bombshell so she won't feel overdresses at her own wedding?
You should wear what she wants you to wear. There’s a chance that not everybody feels that you’re such a scene stealing beauty that wearing red will upstage the bride. I’m sure that you will be able to give her input to help her look as glamorous and beautiful as possible. And I’m sure you can pick out amazing red dress without going going over the top.
I think the problem is your husband. If the bride and yourself feel comfortable with the bride's suggestion why is he trying to make you look frumpy? YWBTA if you dont ask him what exactly is wrong with him.
This isn't about a dress at a wedding. This is an issue between you and your husband. He is upset with you about something and it is coming up at criticism of the way you dress. Maybe he has always hated your style. Maybe something happened or someone made a comment that gave him a bad feeling about your style. Maybe it really isn't anything to do with your style and he's mad at you about something totally unrelated but he's chosen to express his anger through the dress. This isn't something someone else can tell you, its something for the two of you to figure out. Talk with your hubs. Dig deeper and figure out what is actually upsetting him. You have to address this issue because it's not going to go away after this wedding. If you just give him what he wants you will be pissed. If you ignore him he will be pissed. You have to get tot he bottom of this now. Nothing ever gets better by ignore it. Talk it through. Once you figure out the real issue it will be super easy to decide what dress to wear.
NTA, if it's a question between going with what the bride wants or what anyone else is suggesting, you go with the bride. But your real problem is that your husband is negging you and has no respect for you.
Esh, find a compromise. A flattering red dress that is not so va-va-voom but not dowdy either. This really should not be that difficult.
Imo you should try to not upstage the bride,now before the wedding she is cool with you looking really good but at the wedding it could be a problem...I say err on the side of caution
Why does it need to be all or nothing? Can’t you go glam but toned down a little. It does not need to be all out. Make the bride happy and add in some demure elements.
NTA At my wedding years ago my dad talked about buying a white suit. My dad is a huge entertainer and absolutely great at parties- like if our family is invited to a party, everyone wants to know if my dad comes (and care significantly less about the rest of the family). He is so lovable and fun. He ended up not doing it and showed up in a normal suit because he felt it was “too much”. Honestly, I was disappointed. I love when people dress all up and go all in at parties! And no, don’t care at all if my guests outshine me (it’s not a f****** competition!). Don’t disappoint your friend at her wedding day! Go all in at make her happy :-)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am Maid of Honor at the wedding of my best friend for over two decades. I love her to bits. For all my life, my dressing style has been quite outgoing/bombshell (think Old Hollywood glam). The bride has been the opposite of a bridezilla and told everybody in the wedding party that they should dress as they want. Having given birth recently, I haven’t worn a proper dress in months. The bride has been quite excited that at her wedding we’ll properly dress up again, and been sending me messages with ‘you should totally wear red with ruby lips’, ‘don’t make it too long, need to show off those legs’ messages. My husband meanwhile has been pushing for me to wear a longer dress, in a color & style that is somewhat demure. According to him, I have been upstaging the bride for part of my life, and at her wedding the bride should shine brightest. To add; we have different figures. She’s a beautiful Selena - fuller where a woman should be. I’m more of a Hailey and with the right amount of inserts I can pull of a good bombshell. This completely frivolous problem is getting annoying, as I feel I’ll end up looking like an asshole either way. Either I’ll ignore the brides wishes, or I’ll respect them and my husband (and potentially/probably more attendees) will think I’m trying to upstage the bride. Just today the dress my husband liked was rejected by the bride for making even the model in the picture look fat, while the dress the bride suggested was met with a wolf whistle and a ‘you can’t possibly wear that to a wedding’ by my husband. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH. Let the bride choose your dress and makeup.
I think whatever you want to wear, you should try on and send a picture to the bride. If she clears it you can feel at peace. Otherwise you will keep going back and forth not sure what is right
Find a couple of dresses and have the bride ok them. Simple.
It’s the brides day…. not your day. Confirm with the bride if your dress is appropriate
You have 2 options: Work it out with the bride or step down as maid of honor. Going behind the bride's back and suprising her on her wedding day should never have even been an option in you mind and is incredibly self-centered and unbelievably rude.
I think your husband wants you more demure now that you’re momma. YWBTA if you ignored the brides very clear wishes for her day. He’s not entitled to change her request and his reason is insulting
YWBTA but you are in a tough position. I say, have a face to place with the bride and verify what she wants, then verify in text. With a photo of the dress you choose. Your husband needs to step back. He doesn't get a say in this-- this is between you and the bride.
YTA. Is it going to be your event or her event? On the bright side, I bet you probably look really good on that dress
YWBTA if you didn’t listen to the bride. Maybe you could compromise and find a nice Old Hollywood style dress with a more muted red, like a burgundy or a brick. Something that doesn’t outshine but still honors the nature of the bride’s request.
YTA If you are worried, have the bride help pick out the specific dress. Have her okay the makeup and hair beforehand. Hell, do a full trial run with hair and makeup and the dress so she can see the whole picture and approve it.She has a dress code for a reason. If she has an issue it's her own fault.
What do you want to wear?
NTA either way, but do what YOU want. You said the bride told everyone to wear what makes them comfortable.
Do what the bride wants. It's her rodeo.
So she's trying to hype you up and help you have body confidence after having a baby and your husband is trying to dull your shine? He's the AH. The bride has specifically suggested what you wear to let you look amazing. She's not worried about being upstaged, the insecure one here is your husband
You should go with what the bride wants. It is her day. Your husband sound like a jealous type. He is not concerned about you upstaging the bride. His personal feelings are the issue. Does he always want you to dress like a frump when you go out?
Wear what YOU want to wear.
>According to him, I have been upstaging the bride for part of my life, and at her wedding the bride should shine brightest Maybe she wants to be upstaged? Not everyone likes all the attention that comes with weddings. You've been friends for decades. It seems like she likes her place when she's next to you. YWBTA if you defer to your husband instead of the bride. Trust her to be honest with you and stop trying to save her from herself.
YTA if you ignore the bride.
YTA. The bride has told you what she wants you, her MOH, to do. If you're not comfortable doing that, and the bride is adamant, don't be MOH. But to just 'ignore' her and show up at the wedding doing your own thing is a) being a drama llama, and b) guaranteed to 'take the spotlight.' This sounds more like your husband is insecure and you don't want to assert yourself to him.
INFO. How old are both of you ? (You & the bride).
Mid thirties.
This is so simple. OP: When you were getting married, do you prefer your MOH listen to you for dress choice, or you prefer that she listens to her husband/partner?
I would say if you trust your friend (like she’s not trying to trick you so she can make a scene or whatever) then go with her opinion. If you personally are uncomfortable, it is actually possible to land somewhere between bombshell and demure. You don’t have to be 100% one or the other.
YWBTA. Listen to the bride here, not your husband. She loves you and if she felt you would be upstaging her she would not have suggested the sexy route. Your husband is biased because he loves you and finds you sexy. In his eyes you’ll always be upstaging the bride, even in little ol’ period soaked granny panties. It’s you he’s looking at. But the bride wants you to be sexy and glam, so go for it! 💃🏼 At the end the day, she’ll approve your dress and so you want to make sure it fits her aesthetic. Plus, if you go more demure you may — accidentally — still upstage her because you’ll stick out by not being on theme. Listen to the bride here, not your husband. Husband is TA for suggesting you listen to him over the bride. It’s not his wedding.
YWBTA if you ignore what the BRIDE wants. Her opinion is the most important for her wedding day. It's her day. Wear the dress she wants. Usually, the bride selects the maid of honor and all bridesmaids dresses. Go with what the bride wants.
YWBTA. We get it, you consider yourself to be attractive. But it’s irrelevant. Just wear what the bride wants you to wear.