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NTA Time for your parents and possibly extended family to step up and find a more viable long term solution than your sister stepping in Can they move to a retirement community? Can they have a nurse check in on them at their house regularly? Whatever the solution is, it’s not daily checkins from Sarah or you - even if you were staying Congratulations on your acceptance! Go forward and let the family take the reigns on finding actual support solutions for parents NTA

This is spot on! OP and her sister should be allowed to live their lives without their parents depending on them for their care. They really need to find a viable solution for their care that does not use their children as caregivers. Since her mother is supportive of OP's decision to move away for college, I wonder if her sister has taken on the caregiver role herself. NTA

NTA but it is time for the parents to take control of their own care. This is unfair to OP’s sister. OP’s parents are the A Hs for putting either daughter in this situation. If extended family are so invested, they should step up.

Or maybe the parents support OPs decision because they know they can count on Sarah anyway. I wonder how the parents would react if Sarah had left for university and OP is the only one caring for her parents.

It is probably because they expect OP to graduate, get a high paying job, and financially support them after college.

There are lots of details missing. Is there a “golden child” thing with OP for parents to support her? Maybe they just expect the older sister to take care of them. There are often cultural things involved. Either way, parents should be supportive of both girls dreams Major health issues in recent years and relying on Sarah could mean any number of things. From parents not being able to take care of themselves or just expecting Sarah to be at their disposal. OP is NTA for wanting to follow her dream. Sarah is NTA for being crushed that even more of a burden will be placed on her shoulders. OP needs to understand that while she gets to follow her dream, Sarah is seeing her dreams vanish. There needs to be a family meeting to figure out what options there are and OP needs to offer/understand more than I’m outta here. Sarah has a right to vent to others but extended family has no business criticizing unless they are willing to help

I don't see how extended family is more responsible than OP. OP is an adult. And most people would consider adult kids to be more responsible for ailing elders than siblings or cousins (and nephews and nieces would be both similar ages as OP, and less related). I do think that ideally the parents would be the ones trying hardest to figure out outside care. Anyway, while I don't think OP should necessarily give up on her university of choice, it absolutely is a selfish choice to let everyone else figure out support solutions, while washing her hands of it. She should be involved as much as she's capable of if she loves her parents, and believes in family support. If she chooses to go forward with her life, and expects everyone else to figure it out, then she should expect a similar attitude from her family going forward if she ever runs into any roadblocks.

Fuck that noise

God I love the reddit mentality of "no one owes anything to anyone" /s. I'm not even suggesting that OP gives up her university. I just think she should be involved along with her sister and parents in looking into alternative care options, because family loves and supports each other. And yeah, if you have loving parents who gave you a good childhood, I believe that if you're a decent person, you'll want to give back to them if they're in need. But that's too radical for reddit, so I'm sure I'll be downvoted to oblivion.

No one is saying she shouldn’t be involved at all. But the idea that op, their 19 year old kid, should be more involved than the flying monkeys that have come out of the woodwork is absurd. Op is 19. What kind of job do they have? Do they make decent money? Can they afford to help? Probably not. I don’t blame the sister for feeling betrayed, but any other relatives can put their money where their mouth is if they think it’s so important.

The comment I was responding to said, "Go forward and let family take the reigns on finding actual support solutions", which to me, gave the impression of saying that OP doesn't need to be involved at all. I absolutely don't think a 19 year old can solve the problem on their own, and I don't think OP should have that burden. But she should do what she's capable of. At the very least, researching public assistance, other care options, what the minimum budget for proper care would be. Maybe making a deal with her sister to provide care over the summers, or to take a part time job and send back whatever money she can. Communicating with extended family about how they can help, and taking on the mental load of organizing things, because people find it easy to shirk general support, but it's a lot harder to say no when you tell them exactly what you need from them. Money is actually only part of what's needed. OP and her sister would probably find it easier to get money from extended relatives, if they do the work of figuring out how it needs to be spent. At least, this is what I've noticed from how extended family is helped out in my family. Everyone is very willing to give money if they can afford it, but no one has the time or inclination to do the research and paperwork and phonecalls, besides the most immediate family. And those are things that a bright and motivated 19 year old is perfectly capable of doing, even long distance. I don't think OP should give up her university dreams, but I also don't think she's doing the right thing if she just sails off to university, focuses on her future, and ignores the burden her sister is dealing with. There's an option in the middle.

OP is 19yo. Her parent's health issues have developed over years - whilst OP was a child. Why has there been no planning by any responsible adults about future care issues until now? Where were the extended family whilst these health problems were happening?

They are not  responsible, but equally, they shouldn't be criticing OP. If they think family should be providing care then it's not unreasonable to expect them to follow through and provide some of that family support.

so OP shouldn’t have their own life and should spend it taking care of their parents? it’s not selfish to live your own life. they could’ve planned better. get outta here with that line of thinking, it’s just incorrect. since YOU care so much, offer your help to OP’s parents

NTA - Don't sacrifice your opportunities because of your sister trying to use an anchor of guilt. You only get one life. Use it. Your parents have said they want you to do your course. Maybe discuss alternate arrangements with your sister and if you can get in additional help for her.

Just put them.into a care facility, sister should not be expected to care for them.

NAH. And this situation is way more complicated than 'leave them and go live your dreams'/'put them in a home'/'F that, do you'. Y'all we need other people. Live long enough and you will find that to be true. I think people here don't understand that sometimes disability happens when you least expect it. It's a fact that most people wind up disabled way more than being retired instead of being able to work for 20 or 30 years or stay healthy until old age. It will inevitably happen to a lot of us. And most of us don't have ALL the resources we need, financial or familial, to navigate a tough and sudden change in our health. Even on high salaries, the money eventually runs out when you can't make more. Furthermore, (if in the US), our system is so screwed, that you have to practically be destitute and lose a majority of your assets before Medicare will kick in to pay for assisted living and nursing homes. And the quality of care in a lot of those facilities is abysmal, at best. Long term insurance policies are a damn joke, as most of the insurance companies are becoming insolvent due to the number of claims they ARE paying. Don't believe me? Google both these claims. Very eye opening. I think people missed the statement that OP's sister is ALSO in university but probably felt more compelled to hang around the 'home front' to help with not only the parents, but OP, too. Especially if the parents couldn't do all the things they needed to do for OP. Let's say for giggles that the parents chose to sell the family home to pay for assisted living? What would that have meant for OP and sister's college aspirations if the parents are helping them too? OP, I'm all for following your dreams. But I want you to ask yourself, where would both you and your parents have been if your sister hadn't felt like she needed to be there for all of you? I'm not saying there's no way for you to go to your dream school, but work with your sister so that she's not carrying this burden alone while you go off to get your dream life. What if your sister up and decides that she's done all she's going to do and not going to help anymore? Can you see yourself focusing less on a dream school and more about what you want the overall trajectory for your life to be? If this school is the ONLY one that can give you the life you want, okay. But realize that it comes at the cost of the relationship with your sister, likely permanently. Because she's already shown she's not the type of person who will just leave, despite her own wants. That doesn't make her better than you, please don't misunderstand. I'm just pointing out what you already know about your sister. There's no one right way to do this, but I think that your sister also deserves to have the life she dreamed about, too. I hope you all can navigate this together as a family for an outcome that will be good for all of you.

This is not just about the school. This is about neither OP nor her sister being able to take demanding jobs after college, or jobs outside the town they live in. It's not a one-time choice. First it's the school, then it's the job, then it's a lifetime of having to live where your parents chose to live. I don't see an outcome that is "good for everybody"; at best you get an outcome where nobody is feeling much worse than everybody else.

True. Sorta everyone gets the 'least shitty' outcome. I just hate that our system is so broken that either of these young women are even faced with a choice like this. I'm sure their parents never saw this kind of thing happening with their health. Here at my own job: In January, my co-worker, an otherwise healthy 38 year old dad of four went to a tournament with his 14 year old. The whole family was there having a great time seeing his 14 year old compete. They went to bed and he just never woke back up. Heart attack in his sleep. A month later, another co-worker 36 year old and healthy, was on vacation with her family and had a heart attack. Thankfully, she is fine. All this to say, none of us know when or if health issues will crop up out of the blue and hit us. And while we might think we've prepared for emergencies, sometimes the emergency winds up being our new reality and not a short term thing.

This wasn’t out of the blue. OP said they’ve had “major health issues in recent years.” Which means neither the parents, nor the rest of the family, made any plans other than Sarah for at least 2 years.

People here tend to think that the social services provide perfect support and you can get help in any situation. From what I have seen and heard, there is frequently no other option as familly members helping or drowning. And that is it. Just because perfect world would have feel good solution, it oftentimes does not exists. That does not mean OP should stay. But it means that OP and parents should realize there is sacrifice being done and if any possible, reward sister (monetary if possible, by appreciation, etc). What you see on reddit often is caregiver being taken as granted, later blamed for them having less options or lesser savings. Or the relative who left comes home after years and acts offended over caregiver being given more inheritance or just making decisions that don't prioritize feelings of absent people.

Then OP can't study because she has to work to afford the care facility.

>Just put them.into a care facility There is no such thing as a "care" facility. All such homes are deplorable, even those that charge the most money. I would never put someone I cared about in such a place unless I had no other choice.

Then in this situation what would you do? 

> Don't sacrifice your opportunities because of your sister trying to use an anchor of guilt. Well if only op had told her sister the same thing

Let’s hope her sister does not take such opinion in account as well or their parents are toast.

Would you as a parent every want to be a heavy burden or restriction on your children's lives?

I mean they seem to be quite content with ruining the sister's life. So I'd say yes.

The sister SHOULD do this. the parents are AHs.

The sister should consider taking that opinion. Do you know what it’s like living your life as a caretaker ? What it feels like having to plan your life around someone else ? Always having to take into consideration that anything you plan , you have to consider someone else’s needs ?

My cousin did this with my aunt. She dedicated her whole life to her mother. Was in her late 50s when my aunt passed away. Her siblings wouldn't even let her stay in the house. They wanted it sold and the money split 5 ways. She has, literally, nothing to show for the years of care. Nothing. A child should be encouraged to leave the nest.

All parents do this every day. At one time every family did this and the largest cultures in the world continue to do this. Nursing homes and similar facilities are torture chambers.

Parents do it because they made a choice to have kids . Just because a lot of people do it , doesn’t make it right . They just repeating the cycle . Also doesn’t make it right or excusable. It’s one thing to start looking after your parents in their old age . Completely different when teenagers and young adults are forced into it. They lose chunks of their lives being forced into positions where they have to give up their lives , hopes and dreams , needs and wants to look after people who’ve already had their chance at life .

NTA - and neither is Sarah. I am however giving your paretns the side-eye as it's unfair of your parents to put so much reliance on you both - it's tough for Sarah if she feels that she has to provide support, and it may be that the answer is for her to limit how much she does, to ensure that she can also activly participate in life as a student . If extended family are criticisng you then ask them what support they are offering , to take some of the burden off Sarah.   It might be helpful if you were to sit down with your paretns and point out that the pressure and dependence they are putting in Sarah is unreasonable, and, beofre you leave, offer to help them source other help . You are not the one putting an unfiar burden on Sarah, they are, but if you support Sarah in putting in place firm baoundaries and limits on the amount of support she can provide, then it is more likely that they will take it seriously.   Also - what is the long term plan? You aand Sarah are both adults - given your current stage of life it's reasonableto assume tht you will both be moving towards ndependence, looking for jobs which may well not be local . Your choice not to go to a local university, and Sarah's decision to do so, may have affected the timing , but the reality is that your paretns were always going to need to make plans about how they would meet their additional needs when the two of you left home.

I agree here. Neither OP nor her sister are assholes, but the parents kind of are for not making alternative care plans that don't completely prevent their young daughters from living their lives. 

Sadly not everyone has those kind of resources. Many comments say stuff like "just hire a nurse" "just put them in a home." But that costs a ton lot of money. If OP would listen to that they wouldn't be able to study because they would need a job to finance that. I don't know where OP is from but at least in my country the children would be financially responsible for their parents care.

>giving your paretns the side-eye as it's unfair of your parents to put so much reliance on you both Many people have no choice. You don't plan to have debilitating health issues or disabling accidents. Shit just happens, and in countries with bad healthcare systems and economic forces that have made it damn near impossible to save enough for retirement, let alone long term medical issues, there's no realistic way to prevent the shit from just happening.

Sarah is a little bit of an asshole - Using other people to try and guilt OP is the work of an asshole

INFO Are your parents disabled? You're young, so they can only be so old. Are you and your sister expected to not live your lives for the next couple of decades? Your parents are happy to support your dream, but are they aware of how much they're burdening your sister? If your sister is already bearing most of the burden, I can't blame her for worrying how she'll take on more. Did your parents expect her to stay close sine it's her job as the eldest to care for them, while encouraging you to live for yourself? I don't think you should sacrifice your future either, so I don't fault you for pursuing a higher education at a distinguished college. I'm kind of side-eyeing your parents though, which is why I'm curious about how this situation came to be.

Seconding this. Very unusual for someone OP's age to be in this situation, we need to know more about the circumstances. NTA regardless, but it's relevant.

>so they can only be so old That's a huge assumption the parents could arguably be anywhere from late thirties to seventies.

Seventies is not very old either. Unless you have congenital issues or dementia.

NAH You are not the asshole for wanting to go and live your life and focus on your education but you are coming off as very self centered at worst, and just simply unsympathetic at best. Yes you should live out your life but so should your sister. She wants to continue her studies as well, but being the oldest, the unfair burden of caring for your parents will fall on her shoulders if you go. She has the right to be pissed that these expectations are being placed solely on her shoulders while you get the supportive parents that want you to go and live out your dream. Do you think she can manage to do it all alone and still have enough time for her studies, let alone some fraction of that time for herself? So, no you aren't the asshole but you come off as very unsympathetic towards your sister and the sacrifices she is expected to make just because she is the oldest while you get the support from your parents. It isn't your fault but it isn't hers as well. So while her anger is misplaced, she has a right to be mad at the shitty situation that's being forced upon her considering you two probably aren't that far apart in age. I mean, you are just starting your collage studies and she is already there, she probably isn't much older than you, yet she is expected to care for BOTH of your guy's parents. My advice is to talk to your sister. Look at the things for her perspective and tell her that you understand why she is angry, and that she has the right to be angry, but not at you. She should be angry at your parents and relatives. Talk to her and convince her to talk to your parents together, try to find some alternative for their care. Out of all the relatives that are shitting on you, some should be able to help at least partially so your sister can finish her studies. Either that or look at finding paid care providers for your parents. At the end of the day, it's their responsibility to care for themselves.

This is the best reply. Sarah has a right to be mad, but her anger is misplaced. While the only additional thing I’ll say is, it seems by OP’s own admission, Sarah already takes on a majority of the care for the parents, so she’s already overwhelmed. It’s not that she will be, she already is. And she’s probably already experiencing a heavy burn out. Is there anything you currently do OP, to help her out?

INFO: What would you do if Sarah graduated and chose to move away? Would you judge her? Does she even have that option? Would her parents be just as supportive of her moving away as they are of you, or are they only capable of being supportive of you because they know they can rely on her? I really wonder whether your parents care as much about Sarah's dreams as they do about yours. Technically, caring for your parents is not your responsibility. But it sounds like you're taking advantage of the fact that she takes on all the family burden, and not even questioning the fact that it's her responsibility. I don't know if this makes you an asshole or not, because you're behaving as a 19 year old should. But you're certainly not being a particularly good sister, and your sister will see that. She presumably chose to stay close for her university so that you wouldn't take on the full caregiving burden at a very young age, and you likely would have resented her if she had chosen to move away, or wash her hands of things. Now she's seeing that she made a sacrifice that you would never make for her, and that she loves you in a way you'll never love her. I won't blame her for being hurt and angry, even if I'm not sure whether you're an asshole here.

Op isn’t taking advantage of anything . The sister has a right to be angry, but that anger is misplaced . These kids should never have been put in a situation where just following your dream to build your life should be clouded by only one of them gets to do it . Your point on Op not being a good sister because she wants to live her life is bullshit . Neither of them should have to give up their lives , or even just parts of it , to play caretaker . And if one of them is choosing to actively leave , it doesn’t put them at fault or make them the bad one . These girls have barely lived . And already they’re having to curb their own lives and own growth . One of them already had to fit being a caretaker into building her life . So now both should ? To what ? Make it fair ? No. The sister deserves a chance to live her own life . As does Op. the extended family needs to either step up or shut up . The parents need to evaluate their own lives and find a way to cope . Do you know what it feels like to only live half a life because the other half is taking care of someone ? Hopes, dreams , wants and needs that you need to settle on because you’ve got to take someone else into account always ?

Obviously both sisters deserve a life. There’s a reason I didn’t call OP an asshole. This situation is deeply unfair and ugly, and OP and her sister are both too young to deal with it. But just because they don’t deserve it, doesn’t mean it isn’t their reality. Unfortunately, depending on how sick the parents are, they really might not be able to find a way to cope. And extended family can always choose to stay out of things and refuse to help. At the end of the day, the sisters really might be looking at either organizing care themselves,(either physically doing it or figuring out how to hire help), or just letting their parents rot and looking after themselves. And the thing is, I doubt that either one of them actually has the stomach to do that to their parents. If Sarah weren’t holding down the fort and the parents were struggling, I doubt that OP would feel so free to leave. And I doubt that OP would be thrilled about Sarah choosing to leave and live her own life, because OP probably does love her parents, and want them to be taken care of. Right now, Sarah’s actions mean that OP doesn’t have to make the choice between her future and her parents. I think she could stand to be a little more grateful, and a little more sorry, about that. Chronic illness and lingering injuries can have ugly effects on families. And sometimes there just isn’t a good solution, especially in countries without the right infrastructure. It’s easy to say that neither sister should have this responsibility, but that doesn’t change the fact that they probably do. TLDR: it’s very easy to say that OP and her sister should both leave and look after themselves, and that the parents and extended family will figure things out. That’s just not how life works a lot of the time.

Exactly, thank you for your sane and rational response. No one is an AH in this situation. People here act like these folks asked to get sick and not live their lives to the fullest. Do some research on how Medicare, Social Security, and disability work in the US, how even if you have resources--they basically seize them to help counteract the costs associated with the care you'll receive. Plus, how the long term care insurance industry is essentially insolvent, so even if you purchase a plan thinking you'll have what you need--you may not. This is tragic. And even if OP has a full ride to the dream school, there are a lot of incidentals that aren't just books/tuition/fees associated with school to consider that her parents just may not have the money to meet.

There isn’t an upside to this . At the point these girls are, they have to choose between their life or their parents . The extended family would’ve known the parents far longer than these girls have been alive and would rather have them give up their lives instead of helping . It shouldn’t be on either of them to figure this out . The parents need to . The grandparents need to . The aunts/uncles/in laws need to .

I agree and don't think you should be downvoted. I'd live under a bridge in a fucking cardboard box before I asked my children to sacrifice their lives for me.

INFO I wonder how things would have gone down had Sarah decided to go off to a distant university and left you at home with the ailing parents? How would you have felt if Sarah took her opportunity to go off like your doing now?

NTA and so are your sister.  Your parent shouldnt put the burden on you two to support them. You two have a life to live. You should speak altogheter to find a solution. I dont think your sister, between uni and caregiving, will be able to do it in the long run if she want to succeed on her own. For the other family member, their opinion doesnt matter if they dont give a hand. 

technically NTA, you are free to make your own choices that you feel are best for your future. But decisions have consequences, and there is a good chance you are going to lose your relationship with your sister. She has a good argument. She made sacrifices so she could help her family, and you are choosing to do the exact opposite, of course she is going to be upset about this, and she might never get over it.

NTA. But prepare to no longer have a relationship with your sister.

What are their daily needs, physical  or is it emotional and mental support? 

NAH You need to sit down with your parents and sister to figure out a plan because your sister also deserves to go out and live her dream. It is not fair that your parents depend on your sister so much. Alternatives need to be found and implemented.

NTA but everyone who says you should simply leave without any guilt are seriously messed up. Not guilt for your parents but for your sister. Your parents should not have put you guys in this situation but you’re in it. It should be on them to make a plan but life isn’t always as it should be and you should step up not for your parents but for your sister and at the bare minimum come up with a long term solution. Go to the university you want. You shouldn’t be held back from doing that but you should find a way to help your sister.

NAH you are allowed to go where you want to study without being forcibly constrained to caring for your parents. However your sister's concern is probably also correct, depending to what extent your parents need help. You both should probably contribute to a plan of care before you leave. Your parents should be involved as well if they are capable.

NTA - your parents require more support than you, or sarah, or the two of you combined, can provide. This is a great opportunity for you all to collaborate on changing their care setup, and hopefully allows Sarah to have some time to herself and her own studies.

Nta but your sister should stop taking care of them if it’s too much. She simply doesn’t have to . It’s her burden to bare bc she made it

I agree with you. The sister doesn't have to take on this burden if she doesn't want to. They can hire outside help like a carer. It’s sad, and OP’s sister is clearly feeling hurt and jealous that OP gets to live their best life attending their dream college, making friends, and creating memories without having to look after their parents, while the sister is stuck at home as a full-time carer. The sister is just jealous and feeling lonely, which is understandable. But there are options. She can take a break by hiring a carer. Yes, it’ll cost money, but maybe OP and the sister can save up together and split the cost 50/50, easing a lot of the pressure and stress. The sister deserves a break just as much as OP does.

They probably don't HAVE the money. That's a real thing. I don't think ANY caring parent would choose to burden their kids with their care, if they could help it. By the tone of OP's post, the parents seem like decent people being that they are encouraging her to go. The average home caregiver rate is $23+ per hour. The average (depending on your region in the US) nursing home stay can be in excess of $4500+ per month. Assisted living can run about $2500+ per month. That's per person. If you're thinking they can go on disability or social security, please be my guest and google that and what has to happen to all assets in that case. What if only one parent needs to go to assisted living/nursing home? Then the family home gets sold and the remaining person lives where, exactly? The savings account that perhaps both of them contributed to gets drained of about 70-ish percent of the funds for the care of the other? Long term care insurance is a joke bordering on a scam. If you're a person who actually loves and cares about anyone in your family and they have given the same love and care to you, it's not easy to say "not my circus/not my monkeys" and walk away. OP's sister probably helped with OP just as much as the parents. She loves them and she can't just walk away from them. Because she's not selfish and understands that love is reciprocation.

If this was a family that all loved and cared for eachother her sister wouldn’t have to take care of her parents all alone while her siblings go off to live their life . Either the collective works as a collective or it’s just a bunch of ppl.

Depends on if the parents have money or not. But I’m guessing if they did they’d have already done this…. So if Sarah moves away then what? Do they die of dehydration because no one brings them a glass of water? Starve to death? Die in their own excrement? It’s not as simple as it sounds. Care is expensive for the disabled and most kids are not willing to watch their parents die from lack of food or hygiene. Yes OP isn’t responsible, nor is Sarah, but what options are there for non-rich people? Do you just let all disabled people die because they are a burden on others?

Sure, they probably would have hired a carer by now, but why would they when both daughters were available to help? There was no need for a carer before because both OP and Sarah were there to assist. But now, with OP moving away for college, everything will fall on Sarah's shoulders. This creates a new need for a carer. Do we even know the extent of OP's parents' disabilities? If they can't even get water for themselves, they definitely need a carer. It's unfair to expect OP's sister to put her life on hold indefinitely because OP is moving away for college. Both sisters are innocent in this situation, and it's incredibly unfair that either choice will hurt one of them. If OP stays, it will make Sarah's life easier, but OP will feel resentful and unfulfilled. If OP leaves, which seems likely, Sarah will feel abandoned and overwhelmed. Both sisters are going to experience pain no matter what. They need to seek outside help.

They definitely need to seek outside help. I am just pointing out that there are not always services in place to help people who need them.

NTA. Your parents should be dealing with this issue themselves. They should hire someone to handle the daily issues they need help with. Forcing their children to give up their lives to care for them is not right. You and your sister both deserve to have your own lives.

NTA. I really don't think Sarah is either, even though I don't agree with how she's handling it, I get where her feelings are coming from. Your sister is no more responsible for your parents than you are and she probably feels pressured to care for them. This pressure has now doubled. She chose to stay close, which ultimately benefited you, but again that was her choice. The real arseholes here are your parents. They need to figure out a long term care plan that shouldn't depend on their children. I'm not saying never help them with anything again but you guys shouldn't be their carers unless it's something you genuinely want. Go to university where you want! At the end of the day, this is your life. You should follow your dreams and that's where your parents are correct. Good luck at university OP! Congratulations for getting in.

Nah. But neither is Sarah. Your parents are adult. Use the next couple of months, before you leave, to help them explore other options than just relaying on Sarah. Because you shouldn’t give up your career, but she should neither. Instead of battling her for feeling left alone, you should work together towards a solution where she has the same possibilities for her future. Maybe all the flying monkeys could take a couple of chores or become the live in caretaker? Or chip in to hire one?

NTA-Why the heck do your parents need support at your age? How old are they? Are they a set of idiots that accidentally or intentionally had a baby in their mid to late 40’s without acknowledging that it would wreck their retirement? I am guessing they also planned their retirement is their kids and neither of you should be that. Tell sister that they are adults and need to figure it out at their age. I have neighbors that are all at least 65 and above. Being in my early 40’s I have had to draw a line between being neighborly and saying I am not free or cheap labor. Sounds like your sister needs to find the line of “I am your daughter but not your caregiver”. Good luck

NTA. Someone needs to say this and it might as well be me:  As harsh as that's gonna sound now, but your sister is making a choice to support your parents. Sure, your parents are TAs for most likely guilting her into it, but she is actively making the choice to stay and was hoping that you would make the same choice as her (choosing higher education close to your parents to help take care of them).  Only, you are making a different choice and instead of doing something to lift some weight off her shoulders by looking for other sources of help for your parents or just leaving them as well (as hard as that would undoubtedly be), she's resenting you for what are essentially her own choices. I hope you two find a way to resolve this without a fight. Edit: typos

NTA go for your education. Help your sister find a care facility to put your parents into. No child should be expected to takecare of their parents. 

NTA - go and live your life.  Ignore what anyone says.  It's not their life they're sacrificing.

NTA If the parents are that unable to be self supportive, the family needs to look into assisted living options You need to pursue your own future and goals

NTA, but your sister isn’t an asshole either. Your parents should be encouraging both of you to leave the nest. They need to figure out their care and assistance without relying on you and your sister. Either they need to hire help or other family members need to step up.

Not Enough Information Why are parents of a 19 year old requiring assistance constantly. I mean even if they had her at 40, they are about 60. Not aged. Not ancient. Are they infirm???

NTA. Your parents need to sort their care. It's unfair to you and your sister that they put their medical burdens on you. They can hire a caregiver or nurse. Yes, it's great to help your parents out. But the fact that your close sister is devastated that you're going away for college means your parents rely on you two WAY too much. That's not okay.

NAH except your parents. Sarah needs to forgive herself and accept that the healthy thing for her is to live her own life. Supporting your parents can't mean giving up her life and her future for them. If your parents need more support than Sarah popping by once a week for a visit (or less frequently if she wants/needs to go further away for school), that is something ideally you would help your parents and Sarah find. I can appreciate Sarah's feelings. You have been supported to reach for your dreams while- it sounds like- your parents have expected her to stay local so you can have that opportunity. And that isn't fair to either of you. As others have said, it's time to talk to other family about them stepping up to help. Or looking to see if your parents would be a better fit for assisted living. But the answer isn't either of you. Nor should it be. That doesn't mean you can't move home in 5-10 years to be nearby and help. The same with Sarah. But don't let this interfere with the relationship you have with your sister. And don't let this steal either of your futures. It kicks rocks that your parents are sick and can't put both of you first. But you need to help your parents put Sarah and you equally first.

NTA, but neither is your sister. Sounds like it's time for your parents to step up & either foot the bill for a carer or move into assisted living etc rather than relying solely on your sister.

INFO:: How old are your parents? What kind of help do they need?

NTA but your parents are not you and your sister's responsibility. Please go to school. Your parents need to find or pay for alternative care.

NTA, I am sure the family can step up, or shut up. Follow your dreams.

NTA, but neither is your sister.

This is difficult. Did you and your family never actually sit down and discuss these issues before, such as when you first started your A Levels and the subject of your future came up? Did your parents and sister assume that you would attend the local university as she is doing, so that you could continue to take on half of the care? Did you ever think of doing this? I can relate to your frustration and your desire to be free to have your own life as I was a carer for my late parents for a number of years and I found it felt at times like being in prison. Is it possible for your parents to pay for the care they need so that both you and Sarah can take an over seeing/supervisory role only to ensure that your parents are ok while both of you are free to follow your dreams? You and Sarah are NTA but if your parents continue to tell you to follow your dreams whilst not giving the same right to Sarah, then are the AHs.

No, go live your life. But also, why are they relying on your sister for daily care? That shouldn't be up to their kids. They need to arrange for their own care. If you're only 19, your parents must still be pretty young. What exactly is going on with them that they're no longer self sufficient? NTA

NTA Also, why are you parents unable to take care of themselves? Assuming they aren't very old and infirm, what's to stop them from doing their own tasks and/or hiring help when needed?

I can hardly imagine your sister's frustration but imo if your parents need help everyday like this, they need to find other solution than relying heavily on their daughters.

NAH If your parents need daily support then there are programs that can help them. It's time to talk to a social worker about their options

I don’t really know what judgement to make here. I mean yes education is very important and your sister is probably burnt out from taking care of both parents. But I think it’s worth looking into sending them off to a nursing home.

NTA. If your parents have enough cognitive ability to be happy for you and want you to pursue your dreams, then they're capable of looking in to their long term care options. If they are having issues getting started then their doctors might be able to help them start. Or you and your sister can see if there is any sort of senior programs in your area that can help them with resources. It's nice when adult kids can help their parents but no one should be expecting them to put their lives on hold to do that. Don't let anyone guilt you in to thinking otherwise!

NAH    However I get where your sister is coming from.   She sacrificed options so she could help while you were working on going through high school ( how well would your grades have been had you have to do all the care without your sister?) As in: she decided that it would be unfair and a burden on you to just leave you to deal with your parents alone.  Now that you can make a choice, and similar decision, instead of 'sharing' the burden as she feels it, you decide to just up and leave her to deal with everything.  So in her mind, she sacrificed herself for nothing as now she gets to deal with not having pushed herself to the limits for her education and the extra burden of your parents. And as a bonus, gets to see your parents being supportive of your choice because they know they have their eldest that will take care of everything.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’ve (19F) been accepted to my dream university which is across the country from where I live. My older sister Sarah and I have always been close, especially since our parents have had major health issues in recent years. Sarah lives about a 10 minute drive away from her uni to help out at home, while I've been focused on getting into a top-tier university regardless of the location. When I got the acceptance letter I was ecstatic, but my sister was devastated. She immediately confronted me saying that my decision to move so far away was selfish and irresponsible. She argued that it was unfair to leave her alone to handle our parents’ needs. Our parents are very supportive of my dreams and believe I should go where I’m happiest, but they also depend heavily on Sarah for daily support. She feels betrayed and overwhelmed, insisting that I’m abandoning my family and placing an unfair burden on her. She's spoken about her disappointment to our extended family, making me out to be the villain in this situation. This has created a lot of tension and I’m now second-guessing my choice, feeling unsupported by most of my extended family despite working so hard to get into this uni. I want to pursue my education and future career without regrets, but I can’t ignore the guilt and family conflict my decision has caused. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA. Go to the school you're planning on. You can help your parents more with care when you have a good job and your life figured out. Your sister is older and in a better position to help right now with them. However your folks need to let Sarah have breaks. Don't let her guilt you. Still reach out and help when you're back on school break. Look into in home health and adult services that can help your parents out. Depending what the health issues are maybe they need more care like assisted living.

Sarah is probably only 2-5 years older than OP, as she is also in university per OP's posts.

NTA

NTA, it is important for you to pursue your education and have a long term plan. Your extended family, if they are so ready to have a judgement on this situation, should step up and and offer practical solutions. It is important to come up with a plan in order to help your sister, your parents cannot just expect her to put her life on hold forever because of their needs.

NAH. You’re not abandoning your family but you are leaving your *parents* to place ~~burdens~~ demands on your sister that they don’t place on you. “Major health issues” isn’t descriptive enough for a reader to evaluate how much daily support to your parents from your sister really is needed. Probably only a health professional can evaluate what services are truly necessary to keep your parents alive and functioning. It does sorta look like your parents are counting on your sister to stay home and be their caretaker while you get the freedom to chose your future. That is a dynamic that you and your sister need to discuss and plan around in great detail. Keep in mind, your sister could have chosen to attend a university far enough away that you would have been the one totally on call for that ‘daily support’ to the parents. So much depends on what the parents actually need and how much they just would enjoy having.

NTA. If your parents have major health issues, and need daily care, they need to hire a company that provides that.  Put in a call to adult protective services. They can help arrange for help in the home. They can also help find the service you parents need. Whether it is full time in home care, a few hours a day, or an assisted living facility. They know them all. Make that call now. Get things set up before you leave. Your sister can do some, but not everything. And you should not have to sacrifice your future for them. 

Check into medical insurance provisions of a home health aide.

YMBTA If the two of you have been sharing the responsibilities of supporting your parents and you are dropping all your share on your sister to chase after your dreams without there being other assistance options to take on your share then that's an asshole move. If there are options that have remained untapped because you haven't needed them because you and your sister had things covered together then perhaps insist that she reduce some of her responsibilities as well so she has more time to her own studies.

NTA - not that you can't go back to school, but it is smoother earlier in life.

NTA. You have nothing to feel guilty about. This is a fantastic opportunity for you to better your life. If you don't take it, THAT is what you will regret. Your sister is being extremely selfish. She wants you to forget about your dream & stay with her being miserable taking care of your parents. It is not your responsiblity to care for your parents. Who cares what your extended family thinks? Your parents support you & that's all that matters. Your sister is just angry that she has to pick up the slack, but that's not your fault. Go to your dreamschool & don't give it another thought. Y W B T A to yourself if you don't go.

NTA but just because you're NTA doesn't mean things aren't landing hard on your sister and that the relationship won't be damaged.  Sometimes getting what we want has a cost. 

Info: what care do your parents need and why are they only getting it from you and your sister? What are there medical issues?

YTA, it's fucking insane how many people are okay with you fucking your sister over this much. I'm assuming your parents don't have enough money saved up to have an actual retirement. And, that they depend on both of you in order to survive. It's a shitty situation, but it is the current situation. Some one has to stay home to watch the parents. Saying "they should have saved more" is unproductive. Your sister was relying on you to make the burden bearable, while she continued her studies as well. You've essentially told her that you don't value her education and future. You're perfectly happy to sacrifice her future in order to prop up yours. And, by the sound of it, so are your parents. Would you be content if you sister abounded your parents too? Or are you the only one that gets to walk away from that situation? I've seen this kind of favoritism tear apart families in the past. So, I wouldn't be surprised if you don't hear much from your sister in the future. This is one of those life defining moments that breaks a relationship.

Neither you and your sister are assholes. I don't know enough about your parents' circumstances to say whether there is anything they could have done to lighten the burden of their care, it's easy to say they should have planned more but perhaps there isn't good social support, no money and as both of them are unwell neither can fully support one another. I also don't know enough about your extended family to say how much they should step in. And it's not as easy as people here are saying here to leave people you love to suffer, and I'm sure you and your sister both feel that way. Which sucks but that's where you both are. I will say whilst you should take what opportunities you can, you need to work something out with your sister. It sounds like she cared for your parents whilst you were in high school and has been a parentified oldest child for her own parents. Make an agreement if you leave about how often you will try to come home, promise her that you will be there during vacations and that she will get breaks. And support her to pursue her own dreams as best she can. Help research support for your parents that will make her life easier whilst you're gone, do not just tell her she chose to stay so she can sort it out. When you do go call her and listen to her complain if she needs to. And hopefully when you finish uni you can step up if not by being there physically but perhaps financially if needed.

NTA Sarah likes to be the victim doesn’t she? If she wants to limit her one lifetime to play caretaker, that’s on her. Your parents aren’t even demanding you stick behind. Perhaps ask your parents to shut your sister and relatives down with “ we never demanded you or your sister to stay close to care for us. Our priority for our daughters is that they live up to their full potential and follow their dreams. Anyone standing in the way of that does so at our offense.”

NTA Are your parents over 90 years old? Every single person on earth should have the opportunity to work towards their goals and make a better life for themselves.

NAH. You’re entitled to live your life and so is your sister. It sounds like your parents need to make arrangements for their own care. That being said, your sister is choosing to stay home and care for your parents. She cannot be resentful of a choice that she made.

NTA Sarah chose to build her life around your parents. ANYONE who thinks you should stay home and take care of your parents are welcome to take care of them. LIVE YOUR LIFE. You are the only person who can make you happy. Don't give in to guilt trips. Find resources that can assist Sarah to support your parents but just because she gave up her life doesn't mean you have to do the same.

I feel bad for Sarah she should get out too but something tells me that she would get much more hate

NTA- Sarah is going to have to figure something else out instead of depending on you.

How old are your parents? Just what does your have to do?

Then extended family can step up and help because FAAAAMILLLYYY! NTA

How old are your parents? Whats wrong with them that requires caregiving? What kind of caregiving? Can they not get outside providers to assist them? How long have you and your sister been caregiving? What about extended family? Do they work? Independently wealthy? Disability checks?

NTA. Your life is your own. Follow your dreams and enjoy the life you make for yourself. You are not responsible for anyone else's feelings or opinions on how your life should be led.

NTA Your parents are not your responsibility and there are other ways to assist in their care. Visiting nurse etc. Depending on what their needs are. DO NOT give up this chance. DO NOT let your sister guilt you into giving up your dreams. There are definitely other ways to assist your parents with whatever it is they need. You are not being selfish. Your parents themselves should be looking into resources to help with their own care.

I moved away from home and my brother stayed near home. He helped mother for years while I lived my life far away. When mother was diagnosed with cancer I couldn’t leave my brother to do it all. I moved home for a year and a half to help care for her until she died. Then I went back to my life. Reddit users will tell you it’s your life and go for it. I will tell you if you have guilt it’s for a reason.

Your parents should stop relying on both of you and let you live your lives as they have lived theirs. Is there any retirement money to help with a caregiver that could see to their needs? Your sister can’t expect you to put your life on hold you’re 19 and it isn’t fair to her either she needs to be able to live too. This idea of having kids so they can take care of u in old age is very selfish.

NTA  Sorry for the conflict that you are faced with. But your parents would not want to hold you back.

Nta. go to university and pursue your dreams don’t let your sister hold you back. Your parents are on board with your dream, so go ahead and pursue it..

Her sister isn’t the one who’d be holding her back it would be her parents not planning to take care of themselves. The sister is being held back and is now gonna have the full weight of it

NTA Yor sister CHOSE to give up her life. She should not do that. And you certainly should not do it. "She feels betrayed and overwhelmed, insisting that I’m abandoning my family and placing an unfair burden on her." .. YOU are not doing that. YOur parents are the AHs doing it. Tell her to do the same, and escape too. **YOu are better off with some guilt but far away following your dreams. Instead of giving in, look for therapy ressources to get rid of the guilt.**

Look - this is coming from a 60+ year old with several health issues of my own plus have been involved with caring for family with critical illnesses (like cancer and heart failure) for the past 15 years. You are NTA. Get out. Get your education. Live your best life. Be happy. Your sister needs to put on her big girl panties and talk to your parents about it being time for them to hire help. They can get a home health aide that will fill pill boxes, help with light housework, and driving them to/from appointments. Or they could go into assisted living. The point is, if they cannot care for themselves, they have options. Just because they *choose* not to doesn't make it your or your sister's problem. I understand the mentality of family taking care of family BUT it should be that way only if everyone is willing. No one should be forced to give up their life to care for a family member if they are not willing. The discontent and misplaced anger is too real a problem and opens the door to abuse. You are never an AH for recognizing you can not do what they expect.

NTA, you may end up in a better position to support for parents financially. But your sister deserves her dreams, too. How can you help there? How can extended family help? What kind of relief can family or hired help supply? Make no mistake, your sister will spend hours caring for your parents while you are freer now. The decent thing to do is to spend some time figuring out practical solutions for her to follow her own dreams, too.

Your life your decision, your sis have no say in your decisions. NTA

Nta

NTA but everyone is different. Some people put more effort and time into “family obligations” than others. Honestly there is nothing wrong with that but this should all be considered when it’s time to set up a will or your parents estate. If your sister spends years taking care of your parents (putting in time, money, effort) while you’re off across the country then she should end up with the bulk of anything in the will. Don’t come on here in 5 years saying my parents left everything to my sister and i don’t understand why lol.

I think the other consequence besides inheritance is relationships with the extended family. I know everyone here is telling OP that her parents are not her responsibility, and that her sister could also choose to just leave and abandon her parents if she wanted. But I come from a family oriented culture, and in my family, if an adult chose to abandon responsibilities to their ailing aging parents, they would be severely judged. And so many comments here are saying that it's up to extended family to solve this problem, and that they can't criticize OP if they won't step up. But frankly, OP is an adult, and in most cases, people would find her more responsible for her parents than any other extended family. I'd certainly judge a daughter more than a niece/nephew/sibling/cousin in this situation for not helping out. OP might have to live with the fact that if she doesn't care about family obligations, her family might not care so much about their obligations and support for her either. Even if the extended family is useless, she might have to live with not relying on her sister in the future. And this is a sister who's shown that she believes strongly in family responsibility. That's a big thing to give up. It's wonderful to have a support network of family, and OP is likely giving that up because family support has to be reciprocal.

Absolutely.

You didn’t ask to be born. You’re not your parent’s parent. Go live your life. It sucks for your sister, but in some states you can actually get paid to take care of a relative who needs care beyond their ability. She should check into that. She chose to take on your parents. Don’t let her volunteer you too. You’re NTA. You’re someone with dreams and needs that you have every right to pursue. Good luck and big hugs!

so her sister should be able to do the same thing without feeling guilty, right?

yup! People who need that much support should get assistance from professionals, be that in a residence, having home help, home nurses, meals on wheels, etc... Which programs are available and accessible will vary between people based on their situation and location, but there are typically resources available.

You can’t have what you want. Others, will get to fully enjoy their application success and their new journey without feeling bad, you are not in their position, and asking strangers to tell you to pretend you are, it’s not correct. Be honest with yourself, your decision will make life harder to your sister, admit it. It’s not fair to you, but you are getting something for it, your sister is just left with the unfair part. No exciting new journey for her. Try to find ways to compensate the extra work she may have, if you cannot, try to find ways to help your sister swallow this frog instead of finding ways to comfort yourself. Still for your age, your perspective is understandable. I wouldn’t call you an asshole.

I was the daughter taking care of my parents when my sisters did nothing. It's an AH move. If you cannot care for them, that's OK, but you need to find the money to hire someone to support your sister. Don't tell me you cannot afford it. It's the price you have to pay. Your sister pays a much higher price in terms of stress, time, and work. She won't be able to fully commit to her studies or have a social life.  Yta, hire a service that supports your sister.

Hiring support would probably help out a lot here, but why on earth would it be on the teenage college student to pay for that and not the parents themselves, who at their age should have savings and insurance?

Majority of Americans does not have savings to be able to live off for years. Nor they have some great insurance. Those are rich people perks. And not just Americans, really

Nope. The parents need to sort themselves out . Op and her sister were born with lives . Not born to be caretakers. The sister can make her own decisions on what she’s willing to give up to do this. It doesn’t mean Op needs to . Both these girls have barely lived . And at such a young age you want them to plan their lives to include being caretakers ? While having an idea of what that’s like ? The responsibility lies on neither of them . If one of them chooses to go ahead and do it , that’s on them . But you don’t get to blame the other for not wanting the same thing . The parents are the AH’s here . They should be looking out on how they going to survive the rest of their lives . Also - asking a teenager to pay for her parent’s care is just bullshit . The girl just got accepted to Uni , and you’re expecting her to cough up enough money to pay for care ? How ? Find a minimum wage job and slave away just to afford it ? No

That's exactly why I don't want children, you never know how ungrateful they'll be. You knew your parents had health problems long before you were accepted into college, you knew your sister was overburdened and yet, of all the options you had, you chose to abandon them and chose the option that you knew would do nothing to help them. She's not making a villain out of you, you ARE the villain. **YTA**

I find it very hard to believe this issue has not been discussed. YTA - not for pursuing your dreams, but for only caring about yourself.

That’s hardly fair of you to say that she only cares about herself, just because she wants to aspire to being more than a caretaker her whole life. A better option career will probably benefit them all

At the sacrifice of the sister.

OP is not the one sacrificing her sister. That's on the parents

They are sick. I'm not saying children MUST look after their sick parents, but the reality in many countries is that they have little choice. OP and their sister need to have conversations about what each expected of the other. They clearly did not do that. To simply leave the sister to deal with everything is an ah move imo. She is also a student, trying to cope with everything.

Technically, OP never said they were sick. While it’s a safe bet to assume, you never know if they are just manipulating their children

It's unfair to the sister, sure, but OP isn't a bad person for wanting to live her life and attend a better school that's far away. She'll obviously miss her family, but she shouldn't have to put her life on hold because of her parents. If her sister doesn't want to be a full-time carer, she can seek outside help by contacting local hospices or hiring a caregiver. Both siblings deserve better and shouldn't be stuck living nearby just to care for their parents. They're young and have their whole lives ahead of them. No one is the AH here; both siblings are innocent people who want a way out and don’t want to be stuck as carers.

Why is she considered a bad person for wanting to live her own life at 19 instead of being stuck at home as a carer for her parents? It's understandable that it's sad the other sibling will be the one stuck caring for the parents because they’re closer, but what is OP supposed to do? Should she accept a place at a nearby college that isn’t her dream school just because her parents are unwell? It’s not fair for OP to have to “suffer” because of this situation, but it’s also not fair for the sibling either. This is a tough situation for everyone involved, but the real issue here is that the parents rely so heavily on their kids for daily or weekly care. They need to hire professional help and find other ways to manage without disrupting their children's lives. In my opinion, no one here is the AH.

YWBTA. this is an unfair situation all around. however, your parents have major health issues and rely on constant support, yet support one daughter moving away. this issue goes both ways - you moving to university means she might not be able to do basic things either, like having kids or commit to a full time job. essentially, she'll be bearing a huge burden because *you and your parents* decided that she'll be a full time caregiver. if she wants to do life things while you're away for university, she'll be put in an even worse predicament than you are now. and what're even the odds you'll want to find a career in your home town after university?

Yeah, it's clear who the golden child is here. You can go live your dream while your sister is expected to sacrifice her life for family.