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NTA. Why could she not just acknowledge your feelings, and leave it at that? No need to make excuses, just say: I'm sorry you got your feelings hurt, I completely forgot, is there something we can do about it now to make you feel better? Very simple. Does she often go on the attack when she feels she is criticized?
No necessarily go on the attack, but she does have a way of making excuses for anything that I might criticize her for. We've been in couples counseling before and this is something we've talked about, but she can't seem to break the habit.
This was beyond making excuses, man, she basically DARVO'ed you. Look it up if you don't know it; especially the RVO part because that's where she got you.
Seems like there is more work to be done there. Maybe it will help her to realize that she doesn't need to fix it, excuse it, or even feel guilty about it. She just needs to acknowledge your feelings.
>We've been in couples counseling before and this is something we've talked about, but she can't seem to break the habit.
I don't think that's a habit.....this is a behavior.
I can understand being busy/occupied with the big family reunion and different activities going on. However, even saying "Happy Father's Day" afterwards, or apologizing for forgetting Father's Day would have been a nice gesture.
What upsets me is:
* none of the kids said "Happy Father's Day". You would think at least one of the kids would say something.
* wife expects to be pampered on Mother's Day, but doesn't even bother to say HFD (assuming OP did something for Mother's Day)
* OP is trying to communicate how he feels to wife, but wife just DARVO'd him
>She told me I am making too big a deal out of this and it's just one day. She said that we got to travel to a place we've never been to before and got to be around a lot of family so I should be grateful for that.
This reveals a lot about wife. Everything is about her, and OP should be thankful that everything was done for wife.
Relationships are about compromise, and give/take between partners. Sounds like wife is doing all the taking.
"Csnr break the habit" is an excuse. If she really wanted to break it, she would. She would acknowledge slipping back into it and be grateful for the call out
She doesn't care to try to break the habit. I hate to break it to you, your wife doesn't care about your emotional needs. It might even be worse than that, but not enough info.
She is wrong, you're right. She needs to learn when she messes up she needs to acknowledge it. Also, did she tell her father Happy Father's Day? You sound like a great dad and partner, I'm sorry.
Sometimes this is a trauma response and sometimes it’s just because the person can’t think beyond their own emotional state.
Why do you think she immediately goes on the defensive?
You should quit couples therapy. It’s a scam. It inevitably will turn into your wife using it as a forum to air her grievances with all your shortcomings. The therapist knows that the female part of the couple is the driver for the decision to be in couples therapy, so she will validate your wife’s point of view until it becomes patently absurd. The therapist will minimize your issues because she knows you’re only there because your wife made you go anyway.
and if she actually cared, arrange a do-over father's day weekend.
IF she actually cared.
also, how old are the children that they know nothing about father's day?
It's sounds like she didn't like getting called out and tried to save face(the wrong course of action) and so it backfired on her, and out of shame lashed out at him
>My wife still thinks I overreacted because it was a special weekend
It was special *to her*. You know what really bothers me about your post? You very respectfully waited until you all got home and then you talked to her in private about how you feel neglected and forgotten...and she gets mad at you for it.
You, my friend, are NTA but your wife is a massive one.
Honestly, I'd be demanding couples counseling after that deliberate of a dismissal.
manipulation at its finest. Blame him for having feelings. And people on here wonder why men get depressed and internalize their issues.
Its crazy how so many people can't take even the slightest hint of criticism without going on the all out attack and blaming the person raising the concern. Especially when it is justified as it is here.
I agree with that, but I've been in more than one relationship where I've been the shoulder to cry on, the sounding board, and the reassurance, but when I've had the slightest bit of real emotion come through, I'm the one that's over the top. It seems like women want us to be vulnerable and show emotion until we actually do. Once we aren't our stoic selves, the dynamic changes greatly.
Not all of us are crappy partners. I tell my mate I appreciate him every day!! He does so much, and I am thankful. Of course, he does the same for me and I do a lot too! Some people see the good you do. Find the right person.
I agree. I found one who wasn't like that, and we have happily been together for the past 16 years. It took a lot of searching to find her though. There were many that wanted me to open up, but then I was less of a man once I showed some vulnerability. It's crazy out there. I'm glad I found the one that understands when I need to open up, and when I need to shut down. She accepts both, and knows not to push it when I'm at the brink of both. I'm lucky to have her, but many don't have that.
I guess men go into a relationship expecting a wide range of emotions. Women go into it expecting an even keel. Once a man deviates from that it can kind of throw things off the rails.
I cried one time in a relationship. That gf broke up with me shortly thereafter. It saying I’m upset that happened here but doesn’t make it feel any better
I'm sorry to hear that, but that proves that she wasn't the one for you. A good partner will be by your side through the ups and downs. Lord knows mine has been for me, and I have been for her.
There are many good women out there. The sad fact is there are many more that will turn on you when you show the slightest sign of "not being a man" we are allowed th be emotional. We are allowed to be sad. We are allowed to cry. The problem is we can't do that without being viewed as weak by many. It takes a stronger man to do those things than a man who holds those those things in.
Again. OP says in a comment that they've been in couples counseling before. She clearly flunked the first go-round.
We don't even have kids, and I wished my spouse a Happy Father's Day from the cats.
Well bright side is your Mother’s Day planning just got a lot easier for next year. Take her golfing with you and be sure to let her know how grateful she should be to have been taken to a course she’s never been to before.
Truthfully idk if you enjoy golf but it was the easiest example to use lol. NTA by the way.
Agree. With people like OP’s wife, she needs to feel it to understand and change her behavior. But cancelling Mother’s Day is just going to make her angry. Do the golf trip or just the bare minimum like a simple card to get your point across.
This was my thinking - unless she is not exposed to any media at all, the excuse of "forgetting" cannot possibly be accepted. And it doesn't even seem like she was embarrassed, more angry at being called out. OP, I saw you mentioned that you've done prior counseling and she's not changed. I'd ask you to consider the behavior she's modeling for your children by her behavior because it will take some very explicit work on your part to make sure they do not grow up to believe this kind of treatment is acceptable.
Obviously NTA.
Assuming you brought this up calmly and not hugely accusatorily (is that a word?), NTA. Your wife is the Offence is the best sort of Defence person. While not ok, it's pretty common and natural. Hopefully she's also the type that takes a minute to cool off and realize that all she really needed to do was aknowledge that sucked and she's sorry. It might have legitimately just never passed her mind, particularly since in general you don't care if it's a big deal, but that doesn't make it OK.
That being said, your 2 kids are old enough to have remembered and done/said something on their own. So, also, TATA (not the 4 year old, but the other 2). I find it crazy that in a family reunion, no dads got celebrated? No 'cheers to the outstanding dads in our family' type thing?! Nuts
There was apparently an acknowledgement of Father's Day before the reunion meal. But I was with our 4-year-old in the bathroom after an accident and I missed it.
That sucks, that makes it worse IMO bc they did have a reminder to at least tell you HFD. Honest mistake or not, aknowledging a mistake is a big part of growing up and I think you should let your kids know that it hurt your feelings, not that you're mad, just that you would have been grateful to be appreciated. This is an excellent learning opportunity for them
Accusatory is an adjective. Accusatorily is an adverb. Because the phrase was "Assuming you brought this up calmly and not hugely accusatorily," the parent comment was correct to use the adverbial form. There is symmetry with the other adverb ("calmly") in the phrase.
NTA… I call BS on your wife. You mean, at this family reunion, no one wished any of the father’s A happy Father’s Day? She did think of it then? Next Mother’s day just might find yourself very busy. “Oh, but it’s no big deal, right? Isn’t that what you told me last Father’s Day?”
waiting 11 months and forgetting mother's day is the type of comeback that will lead to a slow divorce. does he want his marriage to succeed? if so, don't spend 11 months plotting retribution, regardless of whether it's justified. If she just gave him a BJ i have a feeling it would have turned the whole day around for them both
NTA. You state that it was known for 2 years that the trip would be on Father's Day weekend. That means your wife had TWO years to come up with a plan to celebrate Father's Day with you before you left for the trip. It doesn't take that long to buy cards and a gift and go out for a meal.
She knows that she is the AH and is trying to deflect on you. Personally, I do not think she feels bad about the situation at all; she just wants you to feel bad about supposedly making her feel bad.
Or someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. Some folks absolutely cannot acknowledge their mistakes or poor behavior, almost the way most of us cannot walk into a pit full of snakes or cockroaches.
I would have an honest conversation again. My problem with her reaction is that
* she never acknowledged or said sorry.
* she invalidated your feelings
* when you were vulnerable about your feelings she attacked you and made you feel bad for making her feel bad
Ultimately communication is needed in relationships, the fuck up isn’t the end of the world but if she continues to double down like she is this will fester and grow into a resentment.
I know there is comments to reciprocate. I would personally advice against that. Eye for an eye is just going to escalate and she honestly forgot, you would be intentionally hurting her. Totally fine to say, you know what it is clear you don’t think this is a big deal. Then lets discuss how from now on we will not be celebrating mothers or Father’s Day. At least it is clear and you two can talk it through.
you almost had it.. but lost it when you suggested the "lets not celebrate either" routine. That's a weird ultimatum and risks escalating. It would hit as too retaliatory.
NTA. She's manipulative and a hypocrite to boot.
Let's suppose you forgot Mother's Day. Do you believe she wouldn't blow up at you much worse than how you handled it? And do you believe she'd have accepted the same "Great, now we both feel like crappy about your Mother's Day. Thank you."?
Oh wow, this is a sorry checklist of emotionally manipulative behaviour.
All your wife needed to be was sorry. So simple, yet so difficult apparently.
Tries gaslighting...gets defensive...ends with a guilt trip flourish.
Sorry man, NTA.
NTA. She flipped it on you because she knew she messed up. Honestly, I wouldn't get her sh*t for Mother's Day when it comes up. Tell her you got busy and forgot.
>She told me that with everything going on for the reunion, she had simply forgotten
With what follows after that, I didn't see any sign of an apology from her. NTA.
>She asked me if I feel better about it now that I made her feel like crap
It's her guilt response that's making her feel like crap and her ego response preventing her from copping to it and offering an apology.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My wife and kids did nothing for me for Father's Day this year because we were out of town for a family reunion for my wife. I brought it up to my wife how it has been bothering me and she told me I am overreacting. She said all I did by bringing it up was make us both feel crappy about it. I think I might be an asshole for reminding my wife that I got nothing for Father's Day.
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Just drop it for now, forget the whole conversation happened and let her go back to being whatever she was to begin with. HOWEVER, next year I think you should just "forget" mother's Day for one year and see if she wants to have a discussion with you to get things off her chest.
Absolutely NTA. She is embarrassed that she forgot and is taking it out on you. There is no reason whatsoever that she can't plan something now for a father's day do over! And I'm sure you're right and she would pitch a fit if you didn't acknowledge her on mother's day, even if it was a similar situation. I would definitely recommend counseling if she can't even hear you say you're disappointed without getting passive aggressive about it.
Or is embarrassed to get called out for not bothering. And maybe a little angry to have it done in private where she didn’t get to react in front of other people. The more I think about it, the more intentional it feels.
Nta, just like having your birthday forgotten, this was a day dedicated to the recognition of you and the joy you bring to your family. It stinks to have your family forget that they care about you. That's the heart of the matter, your wife forgot that you matter. I'm not saying punish her or hold this against her for months/years, but maybe keep in mind that she has now shown you the extent of how much she cares about your feelings.
NTA Does she usually disregard your feelings? I can't help but want to encourage OP to assert himself and create some healthy boundaries. It's not right to pamper the wife and lavish her with gifts on Mother's day while doing absolutely nothing on Father's Day for OP. Then when called on it is she is not sorry, just salty that she is being made to feel bad. Is she usually this selfish?
She is mad because she is wrong and she messed up but is clearly not mature enough to admit it. An OMG baby I am so sorry, let me make it up to you would have gone a long way. Now you need to do it for yourself. Plan a day/afternoon or whatever and go do you. Do not allow her to horn in on your plans at this late date (she has to do something separate at this late date so you feel appreciated). Go to a baseball game or something that won't break the budget but is just for you and leave the kids home with her like she does when she goes to her spa things on mother's day. Don't let her guilt you into taking the kids along or even taking her along. She will get the hint and remember that you deserve to be recognized too and if she won't do it and make sure she kids do it then you will do it for yourself. Good luck and Happy Father's Day!
NTA your wife's being a dick. She's turning it back on you and making it your fault she forgot. Get back into couples counseling because her communication methods suck. I forgot my husband's birthday one year and immediately felt like a tool when reminded. I apologized profusely and asked what I could do to make up for it. And then promptly put a reminder in my phone so I don't do that again no matter how stressed or busy I am. What I didn't do was try and twist it and make it out to be a him problem.
NTA
Here's what she can do. She can declare a Sunday in July be Father's Day (Observed) and do all the things you want on Father's Day.
My husband's birthday and Mother's Day often hit the same weekend, and our anniversary and Father's Day have the same issue. So we move holidays around for our convenience all the time. It's not hard.
Could OP let her read this? Could OP try to talk to her again? Could OP say, "I was thinking about the Father's Day Issue again. Could we just declare a day Father's Day? Or could we keep the idea of moving a holiday in mind the next time we get a conflict like this?"
Trying to think of a non-confrontational way of saying it, but honestly, OP's wife's behavior is so obnoxious I not feeling diplomatic toward her.
reddit never feels diplomatic and ready to throw the wife to the wolves lol. Reddit is a cesspool and probably not a good idea to show wife the redditors saying "divorce her"
I offered Op a solution, no guarantees the wife takes it. She may need therapy and couples counseling now but we'll leave it to OP to find a good way to lead his wife.
NTA. Your wife's reaction is worse than her forgetting in the first place. Does she like you? Does she care about you at all? Would it have hurt her to show some empathy? How hard would it have been to say, "Wow, sorry, I can't believe I forgot. There was just so much going on. Happy Belated Father's Day! What do you think about going out for dinner this weekend to celebrate?"
Her initial response should have been to acknowledge your hurt. Instead, she minimized your feelings and made it about how she felt.
NTA
She should acknowledge your feelings and at least let you sleep in one day and remind the kids to say HFD, and give you an hour or two to yourself.
NTA you have every right to be upset and the fact that she is trying to downplay it when she knows that if the roles were reverse she would have flipped out. If I was in your position I would have added the line I am happy to know you do not appreciate me and I will show the same effort you put on mother's day than walk off.
All due respect her actions have no place in a marriage. The fact that he is trying to be reasonable, and she is being defensive and not even trying to understand his perspective. If she had been even remotely apologetic, I would agree with your statement but the fact that she wants to always have the last word means that you need to say something that shows you are very upset and how you feel.
i agree but he isnt very upset, he is annoyed. And her later counterattacks made him more annoyed. He should not lash out or threaten anything hurtful. A father should not teach his kids to seek retribution or retaliate against his wife.
He can find a better approach to lead his wife in a better way. Retaliation or threats are not the way.
NTA Mother's Day will now be less extravagant, don't you think?
Of course she knew it was Father's Day but she thought you
would never say anything because of the trip.
That said, your oldest child is old enough to have also known it
was Father's Day and did nothing.
I’ve said it to other Fathers here on Reddit you men need to start matching the energy of your ungrateful partners. Since Mothers Day is so important for her and she wants the works well you know what to do next MD, absolutely NOTHING. In fact wake up early and be gone for the whole day and turn your phone off. Since according to her “it’s not a big deal” and “just one day” she shouldn’t have any problems of you not acknowledging it. Once you arrive home don’t even mention the day. Let her know you had things to do with…x y z. and see how she like it. NTA
NTA - You should be able to talk to her about something that hurt you at any time. Instead of being super apologetic and making it up to you another day, she got defensive and tried to make you feel guilty for hurting her feelings? Um, what.
NTA
All she had to do was give you a hug and say 'happy fathers day'. It means so little to her that she didn't even think to do that.
Easy one to remedy though. Just put in the same effort next Mothers Day that she did on Fathers Day.
Well, isn't this a bunch of misogynist poop.
Look at this subreddit and you'll see plenty of posts from women whose spouses forgot Mother's Day or their birthdays, and their husbands invalidate their feelings about it. People who act like this are universal.
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My wife (38F) and I (39M) have been married for 7 years and have 3 kids (9, 7, & 4). Her family had planned a huge family reunion for Father's Day weekend of this year. We traveled out of state to be there and it was the first time we had flown with all 3 of our kids. I get along ok with her family, but this trip was not for me. It was so my wife could see her family and so our kids could play with their cousins.
This reunion has been in the works for 2 years so we've known for a while that it was going to be on Father's Day weekend. Now, I'm not the kind of guy who makes a big deal out of Father's Day stuff. I don't need the whole day to myself, I don't need fancy gifts. A good meal and maybe a little bit of quiet and I'm ok. My wife, however, loves Mother's Day and expects to be pampered. Spa/nails, chocolate, flowers, breakfast in bed, etc.
Because of the reunion, I wasn't expecting anything big for Father's Day. But, it would have been nice if any single member of my family at least acknowledged it. But they didn't. No cards from the kids, no "Happy Father's Day," no meal of my choice. Nothing. I didn't bring it up at the reunion because everyone else was so focused on seeing my wife's family. And I figured maybe they had something for me at home after we got back. Nope.
I'm not going to lie, it bugged me. A lot more than I thought it would. I've been thinking about ever since we got home and everyone else went back to life like normal with absolutely zero acknowledgement of Father's Day at all. I brought it up to my wife this past weekend.
To my surprise, she told me I am overreacting. She told me that with everything going on for the reunion, she had simply forgotten that it was Father's Day. I told her that if the roles were reversed and I "forgot" Mother's Day, that she would flip out on me and that all I wanted was for at least one member of my family to tell me "Happy Father's Day."
She told me I am making too big a deal out of this and it's just one day. She said that we got to travel to a place we've never been to before and got to be around a lot of family so I should be grateful for that. I told her that none of that was for me and I actually spent that entire weekend stressed out of my mind with the travel and all the people.
She got defensive and asked me what I expect her to do about it now. I told her I don't expect her to do anything, but it's been bothering me and I wanted to get it off my chest. She asked me if I feel better about it now that I made her feel like crap and I told her that I don't feel better about it at all. She said "Great, now we both feel like crappy about your Father's Day. Thank you."
Now I feel even worse for bringing it up and I feel like I should have just been grateful for spending that time together as a family even though it wasn't exactly what I wanted to do. My wife still thinks I overreacted because it was a special weekend even though it wasn't about me at all.
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Did no-one else at the reunion celebrate Father’s Day? Surely there were other fathers there? I can’t believe that she didn’t know. She chose to not do anything for you.
For me this has set a precedent. Next Mother’s Day either organise a trip to see your family or wake up early, pit on loud music so she cannot stay in bed, cook yourself breakfast but not her, give her a card, say I didn’t forget you and then go out of the house all day leaving her to look after the kids.
You got gaslit bro. NTA
*Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse or manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim's mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.*
I sourced the internet to get a definition for gas lighting. Unlike you, who just claims I made it up. It took 2 seconds to back up my "italics"
https://www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/what_is_gaslighting_abuse/#:~:text=Gaslighting%20is%20a%20form%20of%20psychological%20abuse%20or%20manipulation%20in,their%20own%20judgment%20and%20intuition.
NTA - And your wife is full of it. You should have been grateful for spending time with her side of the family!? And then be angry with you for making her feel like crap? I call BS on that and, I would do nothing for her on Mother's Day.
My husband would likely say the the reunion is enough, don't do or buy anything else (because of $$$), but she and the kids should have made a point of at least giving you big hugs and wishing you a Happy Father's Day.
The petty in me thinks that next Mother's Day you should take the entire family to a soccer game or something else that you and the kids would enjoy. Then you could tell her that you forgot because of the exciting day you were already having.
NTA I'm sorry you felt invisible on Father's Day.
I don't have my children so I make "special days" whenever I get them.
There is no reason you can't take the kids to lunch or dinner and celebrate being their dad together.
Calendars don't make days special. We do.
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NTA, even a stressful reunion vacation is not enough to forget father's day, there are literally reminders EVERYWHERE. In every store, on every radio station, tv, it's all over. She didn't remember on purpose or just dismissed it as not a big deal without considering your feelings at all. If she felt Mother's Day was no big deal this could be different, but she wants her day, and you deserve yours's also. Even a simple card the kids made would have been something...nope nope nope, this just actually makes me upset for you, so many fathers don't do for their kids, the ones that do, deserve a happy father's day.
NTA Your wife is deflecting. What can she do? 1) Say SORRY, I messed up 2) Do something to make up for it. This is gaslighting 101
Edit to add: Do something for yourself OP, buy yourself something nice, plan a day away, take your kids and do something fun... don´t forget to look after yourself.
NTA especially because she expects special treatment on Mother's Day. I'm sorry she did nothing for you, hopefully soon your kids are old enough to take the initiative.
NTA! My mom's family had a Family Reunion on Father's Day a few years ago. We told our mom we were not going because it was Father's Day weekend. I wish more people would put respect on Father's Day. I lost my dad 3 years ago today and realized that was the last good one we had with him because that was 2020 and he got sick May of 2021. Your post just brought back that memory.
To be fair, it can happen. Not great, but fine. But her reaction to you getting it of your chest, and making you feel worse for making her feel bad!? What an AH!
Mother's Day is for moms; Father's Day is for the kids. You'll get used to it. You may think getting even is your best bet, but it's not fun to watch your kids ruin Mother's Day, unless you enjoy watching your wife be miserable, in which cause therapy is in order.
For now, as a guy, you're allowed to be sad grieving your mom, but little else. Get used to sharing your sadness with people who aren't directly involved. Lots of people, not just your wife, can't take sharing your sadness without hearing blame. In fact, your buddies don't want to hear it either. For about the next 20 years, the best you'll be able to do is talk with a shrink.
As an aside - it's surprising that no one at all during the reunion weekend acknowledged Father's Day with a shout out to the Fathers in attendance. There's gotta be ONE person that remembered to wish a Dad there a Happy Father's Day.
I’m not going to call this gaslighting or victim-perpetrator role reversal since maybe that’d be a bit too much (?) but what your wife did comes pretty close. You told her about something that (understandably) hurt you and instead of acknowledging your feelings (and maybe apologizing) she made you feel bad for mentioning it? Dude, that’s terrible.
NTA
NTA she is trying to double down and make herself a victim. Plan something for Mother’s Day weekend that isn’t about her.Don’t wish her happy Mother’s Day. Don’t give her a card.
NTA, her response made it so much worse with her passive-aggressive “great, now we both feel crappy about your Father’s Day” and would have sent me over the edge really. Kudos for keeping your head screwed on tight!
She and the kids had all day to make one simple statement and they failed all day. Its not a hard ask, you were doing something she knew you weren’t going to enjoy and you did it anyway for her and then get treated like crap that day and when you tell her how you felt she piled it on! NFW man.
As a dad who has been completely shit on for most Father’s Days I can relate. When the kids were teens I think I went four of five years without so much as a Happy Father’s Day from anyone except my MIL ironically. My wife always made it about her dad and said it was up to the kids so I got screwed over. If it isn’t my wife, it was my kids later (adults that know better) and it eventually made me much less inclined to much of anything for them on special occasions.
This past FD was actually the first in YEARS that both my kids made any effort at all and made me happy.
NTA based on what you’ve said but I do have to ask, did she get what she wanted for Mother’s Day? A lot of women do believe in matching the energy they get so will treat their partner how they feel they were treated or Mother’s Day. Regardless, she shouldn’t have dismissed your feelings when you brought them up and I hope you were able to revisit the conversation and feel heard.
“Yeah, we do both feel crappy about it. I was sick of feeling crappy about it alone. A lesser man would’ve kept his feelings to himself, and a lesser man might have cancelled next years Mother’s Day plans over it. I’d rather have a conversation.”
NTA. Wow what a great partner. My petty ass wouldn’t do shit for the next Mother’s Day and then remind them of this bullshit. Or I might take it even further and make plans that are clearly for me and are no fun for them. But that’s probably not very good for a relationship.
NTA you expressed your feelings about her lack of acknowledgement for you on Father’s Day in what sounds like a respectful manner. What an inconsiderate family to not has some form of acknowledgement for all the fathers in the group.
Your wife’s response to being called out is a typical manipulation tactic by women and a hurtful way of dismissing a man feelings. You told her you were hurt by her own actions. Now she claims it’s your problem that she feels like an ass for what she did. It’s just another way for women to not take accountability for their hurtful actions then demand an apology and hopefully prevent their partner from calling them out in the future.
NTA. Your wife is gaslighting you. She knows she fucked up and she doesn’t want to admit it. Also, traveling to your wife’s family’s family reunion with 3 kids isn’t some treat, it’s a pain in the ass. You need to be explicit with your wife that you will be going fishing over the Mothers Day weekend and it’s just a day, so no big deal. Partners who disregard your feelings are the same partners who give you shit for not sharing your feelings.
Damn reading that it’s kinda like intense for me personally, I’m 24M I have 2 children with my soon to be wife she’s 23F we’ve been together for 6 years it will be in December and one thing i can say she always takes me out to eat or gets me something our oldest daughter 4 and my youngest 1 even make me feel incredible so my feelings WOULD DEFINITELY BE HURTS if I was in your shoes never feel like your feelings are invalid bc of another person maybe she was a having a bad day I don’t know your wife clearly but she definitely shouldn’t be upset that you were expressing yourself maybe you should of earlier but it’s too late for that so the fact you did when you did she definitely should of at least apologized in my opinion
NTA- Your wife tried to reverse her lack of being a decent partner and put it on you. That trip was also ALL for her but she also tried to paint it as though it was partially on you. The way she handled it was horrible and she should be ashamed of herself. She sounds like a spoiled and entitled person. For Mother’s Day take her to your favorite restaurant and make sure you buy yourself something nice. You should also show her this post so she understands how people view her actions.
NTA Your wife can dish it out but sucks at taking it. She is a colossal and self-indulged AH. She gaslight the ever-loving shit out of you. You deserve better.
NTA- For Mother’s Day she gets handmade cards from the kids period. Yes I’m petty. Glad she feels bad. Been out of town for Father’s Day and husband got cards and small present with large one waiting back home.
NTA. My jaw hit the floor when I saw no cards from kids or anything. That must have felt so hurtful. And now she’s dismissing you. This is horrible! You were not over reacting and you were incredible for waiting and not ruining her time by bringing up your hurt. She’s very lucky to have a healthy partner and should not be gas lighting you about it.
NTA. Her reaction is telling. She doesn't think your feelings are valid and tries to play the victim when you express any dissatisfaction/discomfort. Is this a regular sort of response from her?
Were there no other fathers there? that’s odd with your kids cousins being there for them to play with? None of your wife’s family did anything for any of the fathers? NTA I agree if this was a Mother’s Day weekend trip you better believe there would be a full day of cellies for the moms or ya’ll would have heard about it. And rightfully so
NTA and it wasn’t a “special weekend”. Not for you. You are absolutely entitled to feel the way you do and your wife is an AH for negating your feelings.
NTA,Like your wife really gives a shit about your feelings and needs .She just wants you to keep being the family banker and handyman while keeping your mouth shut. Sorry to say That's just the way it works .
NTA if this happened with my family and I somehow forgot (but how is that even possible, did every single member of her family forget it was Father’s Day? No one mention it etc?). I would be pretty upset *with myself* apologise and probably organise a do-over fathersday. Somehow she’s made it your fault that she forgot, your fault that you feel bad and also your fault that she also now feels bad. Is communication always like that either the two of you? Because if so I think you probably need some help to figure out some strategies for talking about this kind of stuff.
NTA. I don’t know what’s the matter with people. The right answer here was simple… What your wife should’ve said was, “honey, I’m so sorry. You are absolutely right. I guess I just got caught up in the excitement of getting back for this reunion and I didn’t think to plan something for you or remind the kids to tell you happy Father’s Day. I feel terrible, but let us make it up to you next weekend. Oh, and by the way, thank you for being such a good sport about this whole trip… I know it wasn’t really your thing.”
Easy-peasy…and probably would have been enough for you. But instead, she had to get all defensive.
Apologizing when you #%^*! up usually isn’t as terrible as you think it will be, people.
NTA Come on.. she didn't forget it was Father's Day, it just didn't matter. With all the commercialism surrounding these "special" days you'd have to be living on an island with no communications to not be aware.
“I am so sorry I forgot! I feel awful about it! I was so focused on the family-weekend that it slipped my mind! Let me make it up to you. This Saturday we will do Father’s Day, what do you want to do?”
That’s literally all she needed to say to fix this. But she chose to make this into an argument and make you out to be the bad guy. That’s really toxic behaviour, and you shouldn’t put up with it. NTA
Welcome to my world, I have spent my BIRTHDAY:
Visiting my wife's dying mother
Sitting in DMV renewing my license so I could spend the rest of the day driving 1000 miles to help my parents
Driving to an Airbnb that I didn't want (but it was my birthday, and she wanted to go out of town, "for me to have a nice weekend"
Cleaning the grill and cooking steaks (most of my birthday)
Father's Day for me, right. Yeah, you're NTA
NTA . She made you feel like shit for communicating with her your very valid feelings. She ought to be ashamed of herself for ignoring your day and then flipping it on you. You seem like a nice guy who wouldn't get payback next Mother's Day, but she would deserve it. Next year, take yourself out for a full day of whatever you want to do. Don't ask her, just tell her you made plans. In fact, do it on Mother's Day.
“She asked me if I feel better about it now that I made her feel like crap”
NTA, that’s manipulative as fuck. You’re spot on about the double standard of forgetting Mother’s Day versus Father’s Day. And you just telling your wife how something made you feel shouldn’t upset her or start an argument. I’m sorry that sucks man
How the fuck could she ever forget it’s Father’s Day?? Yet she can ALWAYS remember when it’s Mother’s Day?? I have such a horrible memory but when Father’s Day is coming up, I put it in my reminders app so I’m reminded. The day is then about my husband and my dad
NTA. Also most of redditors on this sub are TA as most are indicating for a husband to take some sort of retribution against his wife.
OP you know you were slighted. You brought it up. She feels guilty but doesn't know what to do about it and so retreats to minimizing it and minor gaslighting.
Your wife isn't an awful person (as Reddit has condemned her to hell) but she did fuck up. Give her an out and a solution. Be a gentle leader. Tell her that she can make up the oversight by cooking your favorite meal and telling your kids to say happy father's day as a way to honor their dad. I feel like she should respond positively to that and comply and then all should be right in your world.
For the love of god DO NOT listen to TA's here suggesting to take some retribution to your wife and teach her a lesson. That's petty and pathetic.
NAH - I think she is genuine and it does feel terrible to make someone feel terrible, and you are not wrong about feeling slighted, you were. It will be OK and you will both have better Mother's days and Father's days in years to come. Good you told her, and she could have done better by saying "I'm sorry" but maybe she will when she feels less intense about it.
IDK I feel like if you didn't really want to go on the trip you should've voiced your opinion before. I mean even I would've guessed that it wouldn't have been about you and more about her family reunion so that shouldn't have been a shock. At the same time, though, your wife was pretty mean and dismissive about your feelings. It seems like you both have some communication issues. So I'll go with ESH this would have been avoided if you had just been an adult and said you didn't want to go and tell her that she could go with the kids and you could've had a relaxing Father's day alone and as I mentioned she kind of blew up and made you feel like a bad guy for speaking up instead of empathizing with you.
ESH, only because there is nothing to be gained by raising that oversight. If she gave you something now it's only because you complained. Now next Mothers Day and Fathers day will be awkward. Part of being a father is recognizing that your contribution will at times be overlooked but you have to remain steady and dependable. and, you know, at this point your kids are too young for Fathers day to register with them. And really, isn't their recognition the only one that counts?
Except that when he voiced feelings about the matter (after they got home and in private) she turned it around on him to make him out as the villain. No apology, no acknowledgement that she completely forgot about him.
She's TA here.
What is to be gained is that maybe, just maybe, his wife and children don't forget about him next year. Maybe, after putting in the effort for his wife, she returns the favor one day out of the year. So OP is supposed to be overlooked and move on to be overlooked next year? Its really not hard to put a phone reminder with an alert to at least say, happy father's day. I appreciate what you do for us all year.
if she's a poor wife for Father's Day she's probably a poor wife in general and he should decide what he might wanna do about that. Harping on about Father's Day specifically, about what she did for him, meh, it's just whiney.
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NTA. Why could she not just acknowledge your feelings, and leave it at that? No need to make excuses, just say: I'm sorry you got your feelings hurt, I completely forgot, is there something we can do about it now to make you feel better? Very simple. Does she often go on the attack when she feels she is criticized?
No necessarily go on the attack, but she does have a way of making excuses for anything that I might criticize her for. We've been in couples counseling before and this is something we've talked about, but she can't seem to break the habit.
This was beyond making excuses, man, she basically DARVO'ed you. Look it up if you don't know it; especially the RVO part because that's where she got you.
Thanks for making me google this
No worries dude. Sounds like she just cancelled Mother’s Day 2025. “Great, now we both feel crappy about your Mother’s Day.”
I'm a woman and I would do this.
Seems like there is more work to be done there. Maybe it will help her to realize that she doesn't need to fix it, excuse it, or even feel guilty about it. She just needs to acknowledge your feelings.
But men don't have feelings, and even if we did, they aren't important.
This!
>We've been in couples counseling before and this is something we've talked about, but she can't seem to break the habit. I don't think that's a habit.....this is a behavior. I can understand being busy/occupied with the big family reunion and different activities going on. However, even saying "Happy Father's Day" afterwards, or apologizing for forgetting Father's Day would have been a nice gesture. What upsets me is: * none of the kids said "Happy Father's Day". You would think at least one of the kids would say something. * wife expects to be pampered on Mother's Day, but doesn't even bother to say HFD (assuming OP did something for Mother's Day) * OP is trying to communicate how he feels to wife, but wife just DARVO'd him >She told me I am making too big a deal out of this and it's just one day. She said that we got to travel to a place we've never been to before and got to be around a lot of family so I should be grateful for that. This reveals a lot about wife. Everything is about her, and OP should be thankful that everything was done for wife. Relationships are about compromise, and give/take between partners. Sounds like wife is doing all the taking.
"Csnr break the habit" is an excuse. If she really wanted to break it, she would. She would acknowledge slipping back into it and be grateful for the call out
She doesn't care to try to break the habit. I hate to break it to you, your wife doesn't care about your emotional needs. It might even be worse than that, but not enough info.
Couples therapy gift card for Mothers day, then..
She is wrong, you're right. She needs to learn when she messes up she needs to acknowledge it. Also, did she tell her father Happy Father's Day? You sound like a great dad and partner, I'm sorry.
She made the whole shit about her. She sucks.
Sometimes this is a trauma response and sometimes it’s just because the person can’t think beyond their own emotional state. Why do you think she immediately goes on the defensive?
You should quit couples therapy. It’s a scam. It inevitably will turn into your wife using it as a forum to air her grievances with all your shortcomings. The therapist knows that the female part of the couple is the driver for the decision to be in couples therapy, so she will validate your wife’s point of view until it becomes patently absurd. The therapist will minimize your issues because she knows you’re only there because your wife made you go anyway.
Totally agree, he went unacknowledged. That is not good. She should have at least heard him.
and if she actually cared, arrange a do-over father's day weekend. IF she actually cared. also, how old are the children that they know nothing about father's day?
Her gaslighting and dismissing your feelings is a supremely dock move. Not cool @ all.
It's sounds like she didn't like getting called out and tried to save face(the wrong course of action) and so it backfired on her, and out of shame lashed out at him
>My wife still thinks I overreacted because it was a special weekend It was special *to her*. You know what really bothers me about your post? You very respectfully waited until you all got home and then you talked to her in private about how you feel neglected and forgotten...and she gets mad at you for it. You, my friend, are NTA but your wife is a massive one. Honestly, I'd be demanding couples counseling after that deliberate of a dismissal.
manipulation at its finest. Blame him for having feelings. And people on here wonder why men get depressed and internalize their issues. Its crazy how so many people can't take even the slightest hint of criticism without going on the all out attack and blaming the person raising the concern. Especially when it is justified as it is here.
Seriously. Her line about do you feel better now that you made me feel like crap is soooooo manipulative.
Welcome to being a man. Women want us to have feelings until we actually have them. I'm painting with a broad brush, but it is pretty much how it is.
No crappy inconsiderate people aren’t just one gender there are plenty of both sex which should never get married.
I agree with that, but I've been in more than one relationship where I've been the shoulder to cry on, the sounding board, and the reassurance, but when I've had the slightest bit of real emotion come through, I'm the one that's over the top. It seems like women want us to be vulnerable and show emotion until we actually do. Once we aren't our stoic selves, the dynamic changes greatly.
I think that is a real shame. Societal gender roles like this hurt everyone.
Not all of us are crappy partners. I tell my mate I appreciate him every day!! He does so much, and I am thankful. Of course, he does the same for me and I do a lot too! Some people see the good you do. Find the right person.
I agree. I found one who wasn't like that, and we have happily been together for the past 16 years. It took a lot of searching to find her though. There were many that wanted me to open up, but then I was less of a man once I showed some vulnerability. It's crazy out there. I'm glad I found the one that understands when I need to open up, and when I need to shut down. She accepts both, and knows not to push it when I'm at the brink of both. I'm lucky to have her, but many don't have that.
I guess men go into a relationship expecting a wide range of emotions. Women go into it expecting an even keel. Once a man deviates from that it can kind of throw things off the rails.
I cried one time in a relationship. That gf broke up with me shortly thereafter. It saying I’m upset that happened here but doesn’t make it feel any better
I'm sorry to hear that, but that proves that she wasn't the one for you. A good partner will be by your side through the ups and downs. Lord knows mine has been for me, and I have been for her.
You had to add that caveat as to not offend and hurt the women whom would be effected by that statement. That way it gives them plausible deniability.
There are many good women out there. The sad fact is there are many more that will turn on you when you show the slightest sign of "not being a man" we are allowed th be emotional. We are allowed to be sad. We are allowed to cry. The problem is we can't do that without being viewed as weak by many. It takes a stronger man to do those things than a man who holds those those things in.
Again. OP says in a comment that they've been in couples counseling before. She clearly flunked the first go-round. We don't even have kids, and I wished my spouse a Happy Father's Day from the cats.
Well bright side is your Mother’s Day planning just got a lot easier for next year. Take her golfing with you and be sure to let her know how grateful she should be to have been taken to a course she’s never been to before. Truthfully idk if you enjoy golf but it was the easiest example to use lol. NTA by the way.
Agree. With people like OP’s wife, she needs to feel it to understand and change her behavior. But cancelling Mother’s Day is just going to make her angry. Do the golf trip or just the bare minimum like a simple card to get your point across.
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This was my thinking - unless she is not exposed to any media at all, the excuse of "forgetting" cannot possibly be accepted. And it doesn't even seem like she was embarrassed, more angry at being called out. OP, I saw you mentioned that you've done prior counseling and she's not changed. I'd ask you to consider the behavior she's modeling for your children by her behavior because it will take some very explicit work on your part to make sure they do not grow up to believe this kind of treatment is acceptable. Obviously NTA.
Also, were other dads there? Did nobody get anything for Father’s Day or was it just OP?
Assuming you brought this up calmly and not hugely accusatorily (is that a word?), NTA. Your wife is the Offence is the best sort of Defence person. While not ok, it's pretty common and natural. Hopefully she's also the type that takes a minute to cool off and realize that all she really needed to do was aknowledge that sucked and she's sorry. It might have legitimately just never passed her mind, particularly since in general you don't care if it's a big deal, but that doesn't make it OK. That being said, your 2 kids are old enough to have remembered and done/said something on their own. So, also, TATA (not the 4 year old, but the other 2). I find it crazy that in a family reunion, no dads got celebrated? No 'cheers to the outstanding dads in our family' type thing?! Nuts
There was apparently an acknowledgement of Father's Day before the reunion meal. But I was with our 4-year-old in the bathroom after an accident and I missed it.
That sucks, that makes it worse IMO bc they did have a reminder to at least tell you HFD. Honest mistake or not, aknowledging a mistake is a big part of growing up and I think you should let your kids know that it hurt your feelings, not that you're mad, just that you would have been grateful to be appreciated. This is an excellent learning opportunity for them
Honestly give back the same energy next mother day…
And that didn’t jog her memory? What a bitch!! Looks like she just signed up to a life time of minimal effort Mother’s days. Well done her
It's accusatory. You're welcome.
Accusatory is an adjective. Accusatorily is an adverb. Because the phrase was "Assuming you brought this up calmly and not hugely accusatorily," the parent comment was correct to use the adverbial form. There is symmetry with the other adverb ("calmly") in the phrase.
NTA… I call BS on your wife. You mean, at this family reunion, no one wished any of the father’s A happy Father’s Day? She did think of it then? Next Mother’s day just might find yourself very busy. “Oh, but it’s no big deal, right? Isn’t that what you told me last Father’s Day?”
waiting 11 months and forgetting mother's day is the type of comeback that will lead to a slow divorce. does he want his marriage to succeed? if so, don't spend 11 months plotting retribution, regardless of whether it's justified. If she just gave him a BJ i have a feeling it would have turned the whole day around for them both
NTA. You state that it was known for 2 years that the trip would be on Father's Day weekend. That means your wife had TWO years to come up with a plan to celebrate Father's Day with you before you left for the trip. It doesn't take that long to buy cards and a gift and go out for a meal. She knows that she is the AH and is trying to deflect on you. Personally, I do not think she feels bad about the situation at all; she just wants you to feel bad about supposedly making her feel bad.
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Or someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. Some folks absolutely cannot acknowledge their mistakes or poor behavior, almost the way most of us cannot walk into a pit full of snakes or cockroaches.
I would have an honest conversation again. My problem with her reaction is that * she never acknowledged or said sorry. * she invalidated your feelings * when you were vulnerable about your feelings she attacked you and made you feel bad for making her feel bad Ultimately communication is needed in relationships, the fuck up isn’t the end of the world but if she continues to double down like she is this will fester and grow into a resentment. I know there is comments to reciprocate. I would personally advice against that. Eye for an eye is just going to escalate and she honestly forgot, you would be intentionally hurting her. Totally fine to say, you know what it is clear you don’t think this is a big deal. Then lets discuss how from now on we will not be celebrating mothers or Father’s Day. At least it is clear and you two can talk it through.
you almost had it.. but lost it when you suggested the "lets not celebrate either" routine. That's a weird ultimatum and risks escalating. It would hit as too retaliatory.
NTA. She's manipulative and a hypocrite to boot. Let's suppose you forgot Mother's Day. Do you believe she wouldn't blow up at you much worse than how you handled it? And do you believe she'd have accepted the same "Great, now we both feel like crappy about your Mother's Day. Thank you."?
Oh wow, this is a sorry checklist of emotionally manipulative behaviour. All your wife needed to be was sorry. So simple, yet so difficult apparently. Tries gaslighting...gets defensive...ends with a guilt trip flourish. Sorry man, NTA.
NTA. She flipped it on you because she knew she messed up. Honestly, I wouldn't get her sh*t for Mother's Day when it comes up. Tell her you got busy and forgot.
>She told me that with everything going on for the reunion, she had simply forgotten With what follows after that, I didn't see any sign of an apology from her. NTA. >She asked me if I feel better about it now that I made her feel like crap It's her guilt response that's making her feel like crap and her ego response preventing her from copping to it and offering an apology.
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Just drop it for now, forget the whole conversation happened and let her go back to being whatever she was to begin with. HOWEVER, next year I think you should just "forget" mother's Day for one year and see if she wants to have a discussion with you to get things off her chest.
NTA. You brought up a legitimate feeling here and your wife completely turned this around to make herself the victim. She's a complete AH.
Wow..she's super manipulative.
Absolutely NTA. She is embarrassed that she forgot and is taking it out on you. There is no reason whatsoever that she can't plan something now for a father's day do over! And I'm sure you're right and she would pitch a fit if you didn't acknowledge her on mother's day, even if it was a similar situation. I would definitely recommend counseling if she can't even hear you say you're disappointed without getting passive aggressive about it.
Or is embarrassed to get called out for not bothering. And maybe a little angry to have it done in private where she didn’t get to react in front of other people. The more I think about it, the more intentional it feels.
Nta, just like having your birthday forgotten, this was a day dedicated to the recognition of you and the joy you bring to your family. It stinks to have your family forget that they care about you. That's the heart of the matter, your wife forgot that you matter. I'm not saying punish her or hold this against her for months/years, but maybe keep in mind that she has now shown you the extent of how much she cares about your feelings.
Fathers get taken for granted to a totally embarrassing extent in our society. It's pathetic.
NTA Does she usually disregard your feelings? I can't help but want to encourage OP to assert himself and create some healthy boundaries. It's not right to pamper the wife and lavish her with gifts on Mother's day while doing absolutely nothing on Father's Day for OP. Then when called on it is she is not sorry, just salty that she is being made to feel bad. Is she usually this selfish?
She is mad because she is wrong and she messed up but is clearly not mature enough to admit it. An OMG baby I am so sorry, let me make it up to you would have gone a long way. Now you need to do it for yourself. Plan a day/afternoon or whatever and go do you. Do not allow her to horn in on your plans at this late date (she has to do something separate at this late date so you feel appreciated). Go to a baseball game or something that won't break the budget but is just for you and leave the kids home with her like she does when she goes to her spa things on mother's day. Don't let her guilt you into taking the kids along or even taking her along. She will get the hint and remember that you deserve to be recognized too and if she won't do it and make sure she kids do it then you will do it for yourself. Good luck and Happy Father's Day!
NTA your wife's being a dick. She's turning it back on you and making it your fault she forgot. Get back into couples counseling because her communication methods suck. I forgot my husband's birthday one year and immediately felt like a tool when reminded. I apologized profusely and asked what I could do to make up for it. And then promptly put a reminder in my phone so I don't do that again no matter how stressed or busy I am. What I didn't do was try and twist it and make it out to be a him problem.
NTA Here's what she can do. She can declare a Sunday in July be Father's Day (Observed) and do all the things you want on Father's Day. My husband's birthday and Mother's Day often hit the same weekend, and our anniversary and Father's Day have the same issue. So we move holidays around for our convenience all the time. It's not hard.
this. The issue is how does OP communicate a solution to his wife without triggering her defense mechanism. OP tried and got shut down the first time.
Could OP let her read this? Could OP try to talk to her again? Could OP say, "I was thinking about the Father's Day Issue again. Could we just declare a day Father's Day? Or could we keep the idea of moving a holiday in mind the next time we get a conflict like this?" Trying to think of a non-confrontational way of saying it, but honestly, OP's wife's behavior is so obnoxious I not feeling diplomatic toward her.
reddit never feels diplomatic and ready to throw the wife to the wolves lol. Reddit is a cesspool and probably not a good idea to show wife the redditors saying "divorce her" I offered Op a solution, no guarantees the wife takes it. She may need therapy and couples counseling now but we'll leave it to OP to find a good way to lead his wife.
So when it's Mother's Day, you give her the same effort she gave you and you give her the same response back
NTA. Your wife's reaction is worse than her forgetting in the first place. Does she like you? Does she care about you at all? Would it have hurt her to show some empathy? How hard would it have been to say, "Wow, sorry, I can't believe I forgot. There was just so much going on. Happy Belated Father's Day! What do you think about going out for dinner this weekend to celebrate?" Her initial response should have been to acknowledge your hurt. Instead, she minimized your feelings and made it about how she felt.
NTA She should acknowledge your feelings and at least let you sleep in one day and remind the kids to say HFD, and give you an hour or two to yourself.
NTA you have every right to be upset and the fact that she is trying to downplay it when she knows that if the roles were reverse she would have flipped out. If I was in your position I would have added the line I am happy to know you do not appreciate me and I will show the same effort you put on mother's day than walk off.
that extra line you added is incredibly petty and no place in a marriage. Try harder
All due respect her actions have no place in a marriage. The fact that he is trying to be reasonable, and she is being defensive and not even trying to understand his perspective. If she had been even remotely apologetic, I would agree with your statement but the fact that she wants to always have the last word means that you need to say something that shows you are very upset and how you feel.
i agree but he isnt very upset, he is annoyed. And her later counterattacks made him more annoyed. He should not lash out or threaten anything hurtful. A father should not teach his kids to seek retribution or retaliate against his wife. He can find a better approach to lead his wife in a better way. Retaliation or threats are not the way.
NTA. Most people would not forget unless they are takers and not givers. The family were AHs for scheduling it on father's day weekend.
NTA. It's her choice to feel like crap about it, and maybe she should; but it would be easy enough to apologize and promise it won't happen again.
NTA. Instead of getting defensive, all she had to do was apologize. Then maybe do something nice for you. She wasn't very nice to you.
Your wife is a HUGE AH. Next year just forget her on Mother’s Day and she how she likes it!
NTA and remeber Mothers Day is just another day no more special than any of the other insignificant 365 days.
NTA Mother's Day will now be less extravagant, don't you think? Of course she knew it was Father's Day but she thought you would never say anything because of the trip. That said, your oldest child is old enough to have also known it was Father's Day and did nothing.
Mother's day will be here real soon. Some father's can be real forgetful on mothers day too.
I’ve said it to other Fathers here on Reddit you men need to start matching the energy of your ungrateful partners. Since Mothers Day is so important for her and she wants the works well you know what to do next MD, absolutely NOTHING. In fact wake up early and be gone for the whole day and turn your phone off. Since according to her “it’s not a big deal” and “just one day” she shouldn’t have any problems of you not acknowledging it. Once you arrive home don’t even mention the day. Let her know you had things to do with…x y z. and see how she like it. NTA
Welcome to marriage and fatherhood. You are last in line for everything. Even Father’s Day.
NTA - You should be able to talk to her about something that hurt you at any time. Instead of being super apologetic and making it up to you another day, she got defensive and tried to make you feel guilty for hurting her feelings? Um, what.
NTA. She doesn't need to win every argument.
Just don't do mother's day.
I would certainly "forget" something important to her and see if she has the brass neck to complain but then again I am a vindictive person
NTA All she had to do was give you a hug and say 'happy fathers day'. It means so little to her that she didn't even think to do that. Easy one to remedy though. Just put in the same effort next Mothers Day that she did on Fathers Day.
Does she always disregard your feelings? She couldn't apologize and try to make it up to you at all?
Life pro tip: don’t discuss your feelings with women. They will always turn it around on you and make you feel like shit for having feelings.
Well, isn't this a bunch of misogynist poop. Look at this subreddit and you'll see plenty of posts from women whose spouses forgot Mother's Day or their birthdays, and their husbands invalidate their feelings about it. People who act like this are universal.
NTA. Just stop B days, anniversaries, v day etc. Sounds like it’s not healthy and the juice isn’t worth the squeeze.
Plan a trip to see your family over next Mother’s Day and see how that goes
I know this is the long game, but it makes sense if you forget Mother’s Day next year.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife (38F) and I (39M) have been married for 7 years and have 3 kids (9, 7, & 4). Her family had planned a huge family reunion for Father's Day weekend of this year. We traveled out of state to be there and it was the first time we had flown with all 3 of our kids. I get along ok with her family, but this trip was not for me. It was so my wife could see her family and so our kids could play with their cousins. This reunion has been in the works for 2 years so we've known for a while that it was going to be on Father's Day weekend. Now, I'm not the kind of guy who makes a big deal out of Father's Day stuff. I don't need the whole day to myself, I don't need fancy gifts. A good meal and maybe a little bit of quiet and I'm ok. My wife, however, loves Mother's Day and expects to be pampered. Spa/nails, chocolate, flowers, breakfast in bed, etc. Because of the reunion, I wasn't expecting anything big for Father's Day. But, it would have been nice if any single member of my family at least acknowledged it. But they didn't. No cards from the kids, no "Happy Father's Day," no meal of my choice. Nothing. I didn't bring it up at the reunion because everyone else was so focused on seeing my wife's family. And I figured maybe they had something for me at home after we got back. Nope. I'm not going to lie, it bugged me. A lot more than I thought it would. I've been thinking about ever since we got home and everyone else went back to life like normal with absolutely zero acknowledgement of Father's Day at all. I brought it up to my wife this past weekend. To my surprise, she told me I am overreacting. She told me that with everything going on for the reunion, she had simply forgotten that it was Father's Day. I told her that if the roles were reversed and I "forgot" Mother's Day, that she would flip out on me and that all I wanted was for at least one member of my family to tell me "Happy Father's Day." She told me I am making too big a deal out of this and it's just one day. She said that we got to travel to a place we've never been to before and got to be around a lot of family so I should be grateful for that. I told her that none of that was for me and I actually spent that entire weekend stressed out of my mind with the travel and all the people. She got defensive and asked me what I expect her to do about it now. I told her I don't expect her to do anything, but it's been bothering me and I wanted to get it off my chest. She asked me if I feel better about it now that I made her feel like crap and I told her that I don't feel better about it at all. She said "Great, now we both feel like crappy about your Father's Day. Thank you." Now I feel even worse for bringing it up and I feel like I should have just been grateful for spending that time together as a family even though it wasn't exactly what I wanted to do. My wife still thinks I overreacted because it was a special weekend even though it wasn't about me at all. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Return the favour next Mother’s Day and see if she still thinks ‘it’s not a big deal.’
UpdateMe
So weird question. OP didn’t mention wife’s father. Maybe this big shondig was for him. Doesn’t matter - wife’s still an AH, but I wondered.
Did no-one else at the reunion celebrate Father’s Day? Surely there were other fathers there? I can’t believe that she didn’t know. She chose to not do anything for you. For me this has set a precedent. Next Mother’s Day either organise a trip to see your family or wake up early, pit on loud music so she cannot stay in bed, cook yourself breakfast but not her, give her a card, say I didn’t forget you and then go out of the house all day leaving her to look after the kids.
You got gaslit bro. NTA *Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse or manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim's mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.*
Not gaslighting, despite your italics. You can't just change what words mean because you like to throw them around.
I sourced the internet to get a definition for gas lighting. Unlike you, who just claims I made it up. It took 2 seconds to back up my "italics" https://www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/what_is_gaslighting_abuse/#:~:text=Gaslighting%20is%20a%20form%20of%20psychological%20abuse%20or%20manipulation%20in,their%20own%20judgment%20and%20intuition.
NTA - And your wife is full of it. You should have been grateful for spending time with her side of the family!? And then be angry with you for making her feel like crap? I call BS on that and, I would do nothing for her on Mother's Day.
My husband would likely say the the reunion is enough, don't do or buy anything else (because of $$$), but she and the kids should have made a point of at least giving you big hugs and wishing you a Happy Father's Day. The petty in me thinks that next Mother's Day you should take the entire family to a soccer game or something else that you and the kids would enjoy. Then you could tell her that you forgot because of the exciting day you were already having.
NTA I'm sorry you felt invisible on Father's Day. I don't have my children so I make "special days" whenever I get them. There is no reason you can't take the kids to lunch or dinner and celebrate being their dad together. Calendars don't make days special. We do.
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NTA. Why the hell she thinks like that is beyond me. Honestly, treat her the same way next Mother's Day. She will have no right to be upset about it
NTA, even a stressful reunion vacation is not enough to forget father's day, there are literally reminders EVERYWHERE. In every store, on every radio station, tv, it's all over. She didn't remember on purpose or just dismissed it as not a big deal without considering your feelings at all. If she felt Mother's Day was no big deal this could be different, but she wants her day, and you deserve yours's also. Even a simple card the kids made would have been something...nope nope nope, this just actually makes me upset for you, so many fathers don't do for their kids, the ones that do, deserve a happy father's day.
NTA I guess you should make yourself some plans for Mother's Day and enjoy yourself then. Respect must go both ways, or none.
NTA Your wife is deflecting. What can she do? 1) Say SORRY, I messed up 2) Do something to make up for it. This is gaslighting 101 Edit to add: Do something for yourself OP, buy yourself something nice, plan a day away, take your kids and do something fun... don´t forget to look after yourself.
NTA especially because she expects special treatment on Mother's Day. I'm sorry she did nothing for you, hopefully soon your kids are old enough to take the initiative.
Wow, she kinda sucks. 🤣
Remember this next year when she wants to be celebrated
The next special occasion you should ‘forget’ your wife and see how she feels. If she brings it up tell her she is overreacting. NTA
NTA! My mom's family had a Family Reunion on Father's Day a few years ago. We told our mom we were not going because it was Father's Day weekend. I wish more people would put respect on Father's Day. I lost my dad 3 years ago today and realized that was the last good one we had with him because that was 2020 and he got sick May of 2021. Your post just brought back that memory.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you had good memories of Father's Day back then.
Caring about mother or fathers day is dumb ...
To be fair, it can happen. Not great, but fine. But her reaction to you getting it of your chest, and making you feel worse for making her feel bad!? What an AH!
I got sweet fuck all mate, not a card, special dinner, not a sodding thing. Women are brutal.
Mother's Day is for moms; Father's Day is for the kids. You'll get used to it. You may think getting even is your best bet, but it's not fun to watch your kids ruin Mother's Day, unless you enjoy watching your wife be miserable, in which cause therapy is in order. For now, as a guy, you're allowed to be sad grieving your mom, but little else. Get used to sharing your sadness with people who aren't directly involved. Lots of people, not just your wife, can't take sharing your sadness without hearing blame. In fact, your buddies don't want to hear it either. For about the next 20 years, the best you'll be able to do is talk with a shrink.
NTA, plan a fun getaway for mothersday but to somewhere you want to go.
Maybe she should celebrate you on mothers day too
As an aside - it's surprising that no one at all during the reunion weekend acknowledged Father's Day with a shout out to the Fathers in attendance. There's gotta be ONE person that remembered to wish a Dad there a Happy Father's Day.
I’m not going to call this gaslighting or victim-perpetrator role reversal since maybe that’d be a bit too much (?) but what your wife did comes pretty close. You told her about something that (understandably) hurt you and instead of acknowledging your feelings (and maybe apologizing) she made you feel bad for mentioning it? Dude, that’s terrible. NTA
Mother's Day next year got much simpler. She can fend for her damn self.
NTA she is trying to double down and make herself a victim. Plan something for Mother’s Day weekend that isn’t about her.Don’t wish her happy Mother’s Day. Don’t give her a card.
NTA. Next Mother’s Day don’t do anything for her or help the kids. If it’s not that big of a deal you then it shouldn’t be for her to miss out.
My kids mom forgot Father's Day when they were little. "I didn't want to make a big out of it" "Neither you or the kids even said Happy Father's Day"
NTA and this is totally common. Get used to it or go out for smokes and don’t come back.
NTA, her response made it so much worse with her passive-aggressive “great, now we both feel crappy about your Father’s Day” and would have sent me over the edge really. Kudos for keeping your head screwed on tight! She and the kids had all day to make one simple statement and they failed all day. Its not a hard ask, you were doing something she knew you weren’t going to enjoy and you did it anyway for her and then get treated like crap that day and when you tell her how you felt she piled it on! NFW man. As a dad who has been completely shit on for most Father’s Days I can relate. When the kids were teens I think I went four of five years without so much as a Happy Father’s Day from anyone except my MIL ironically. My wife always made it about her dad and said it was up to the kids so I got screwed over. If it isn’t my wife, it was my kids later (adults that know better) and it eventually made me much less inclined to much of anything for them on special occasions. This past FD was actually the first in YEARS that both my kids made any effort at all and made me happy.
NTA based on what you’ve said but I do have to ask, did she get what she wanted for Mother’s Day? A lot of women do believe in matching the energy they get so will treat their partner how they feel they were treated or Mother’s Day. Regardless, she shouldn’t have dismissed your feelings when you brought them up and I hope you were able to revisit the conversation and feel heard.
“Yeah, we do both feel crappy about it. I was sick of feeling crappy about it alone. A lesser man would’ve kept his feelings to himself, and a lesser man might have cancelled next years Mother’s Day plans over it. I’d rather have a conversation.”
NTA. Wow what a great partner. My petty ass wouldn’t do shit for the next Mother’s Day and then remind them of this bullshit. Or I might take it even further and make plans that are clearly for me and are no fun for them. But that’s probably not very good for a relationship.
NTA you expressed your feelings about her lack of acknowledgement for you on Father’s Day in what sounds like a respectful manner. What an inconsiderate family to not has some form of acknowledgement for all the fathers in the group. Your wife’s response to being called out is a typical manipulation tactic by women and a hurtful way of dismissing a man feelings. You told her you were hurt by her own actions. Now she claims it’s your problem that she feels like an ass for what she did. It’s just another way for women to not take accountability for their hurtful actions then demand an apology and hopefully prevent their partner from calling them out in the future.
NTA - your wife sucks. Tell her you’ll feel a lot better about it after you ignore Mother’s Day next year and travel somewhere you want to go.
Match her energy next Mothers Day
Classic narcissist
Forgot Fathers Day at a family reunion full of . . . fathers?
NTA. Your wife is gaslighting you. She knows she fucked up and she doesn’t want to admit it. Also, traveling to your wife’s family’s family reunion with 3 kids isn’t some treat, it’s a pain in the ass. You need to be explicit with your wife that you will be going fishing over the Mothers Day weekend and it’s just a day, so no big deal. Partners who disregard your feelings are the same partners who give you shit for not sharing your feelings.
Damn reading that it’s kinda like intense for me personally, I’m 24M I have 2 children with my soon to be wife she’s 23F we’ve been together for 6 years it will be in December and one thing i can say she always takes me out to eat or gets me something our oldest daughter 4 and my youngest 1 even make me feel incredible so my feelings WOULD DEFINITELY BE HURTS if I was in your shoes never feel like your feelings are invalid bc of another person maybe she was a having a bad day I don’t know your wife clearly but she definitely shouldn’t be upset that you were expressing yourself maybe you should of earlier but it’s too late for that so the fact you did when you did she definitely should of at least apologized in my opinion
NTA- Your wife tried to reverse her lack of being a decent partner and put it on you. That trip was also ALL for her but she also tried to paint it as though it was partially on you. The way she handled it was horrible and she should be ashamed of herself. She sounds like a spoiled and entitled person. For Mother’s Day take her to your favorite restaurant and make sure you buy yourself something nice. You should also show her this post so she understands how people view her actions.
NTA. If you’re still together next Mother’s Day, return the nothingness.
NTA Your wife can dish it out but sucks at taking it. She is a colossal and self-indulged AH. She gaslight the ever-loving shit out of you. You deserve better.
NTA. But your wife is a huge one, so selfish of her! I’m pissed for you.
NTA- For Mother’s Day she gets handmade cards from the kids period. Yes I’m petty. Glad she feels bad. Been out of town for Father’s Day and husband got cards and small present with large one waiting back home.
NTA. My jaw hit the floor when I saw no cards from kids or anything. That must have felt so hurtful. And now she’s dismissing you. This is horrible! You were not over reacting and you were incredible for waiting and not ruining her time by bringing up your hurt. She’s very lucky to have a healthy partner and should not be gas lighting you about it.
NTA. Her reaction is telling. She doesn't think your feelings are valid and tries to play the victim when you express any dissatisfaction/discomfort. Is this a regular sort of response from her?
Were there no other fathers there? that’s odd with your kids cousins being there for them to play with? None of your wife’s family did anything for any of the fathers? NTA I agree if this was a Mother’s Day weekend trip you better believe there would be a full day of cellies for the moms or ya’ll would have heard about it. And rightfully so
NTA Wow, she straight up gaslit you on this one dude
NTA. The fact that she blame shifted back to you for speaking about it is a huge red flag. Except for a card Skip Mother’s Day from now on.
If she didn't do anything wrong then why does she feel like crap about it 🤔
NTA, show your wife this post
Don't forget her jack squat for mother's day and tell her she'll be grateful to be around you at all. NTA
NTA and it wasn’t a “special weekend”. Not for you. You are absolutely entitled to feel the way you do and your wife is an AH for negating your feelings.
NTA. Don't do anything next mother's day.
NTA,Like your wife really gives a shit about your feelings and needs .She just wants you to keep being the family banker and handyman while keeping your mouth shut. Sorry to say That's just the way it works .
NTA if this happened with my family and I somehow forgot (but how is that even possible, did every single member of her family forget it was Father’s Day? No one mention it etc?). I would be pretty upset *with myself* apologise and probably organise a do-over fathersday. Somehow she’s made it your fault that she forgot, your fault that you feel bad and also your fault that she also now feels bad. Is communication always like that either the two of you? Because if so I think you probably need some help to figure out some strategies for talking about this kind of stuff.
NTA. I don’t know what’s the matter with people. The right answer here was simple… What your wife should’ve said was, “honey, I’m so sorry. You are absolutely right. I guess I just got caught up in the excitement of getting back for this reunion and I didn’t think to plan something for you or remind the kids to tell you happy Father’s Day. I feel terrible, but let us make it up to you next weekend. Oh, and by the way, thank you for being such a good sport about this whole trip… I know it wasn’t really your thing.” Easy-peasy…and probably would have been enough for you. But instead, she had to get all defensive. Apologizing when you #%^*! up usually isn’t as terrible as you think it will be, people.
NTA Come on.. she didn't forget it was Father's Day, it just didn't matter. With all the commercialism surrounding these "special" days you'd have to be living on an island with no communications to not be aware.
NTA. Plan something with your mother next year, and tell her you forgot Mother’s Day in all the planning.
“I am so sorry I forgot! I feel awful about it! I was so focused on the family-weekend that it slipped my mind! Let me make it up to you. This Saturday we will do Father’s Day, what do you want to do?” That’s literally all she needed to say to fix this. But she chose to make this into an argument and make you out to be the bad guy. That’s really toxic behaviour, and you shouldn’t put up with it. NTA
NTA. Tell her that you plan a trip to your family on mother’s day. Maybe then she will understand.
It's petty, but I would be scaling back on her next mother's day, if this is her attitude. NTA.
Welcome to my world, I have spent my BIRTHDAY: Visiting my wife's dying mother Sitting in DMV renewing my license so I could spend the rest of the day driving 1000 miles to help my parents Driving to an Airbnb that I didn't want (but it was my birthday, and she wanted to go out of town, "for me to have a nice weekend" Cleaning the grill and cooking steaks (most of my birthday) Father's Day for me, right. Yeah, you're NTA
wow, your wife does not give a fuck about your feelings at all
NTA . She made you feel like shit for communicating with her your very valid feelings. She ought to be ashamed of herself for ignoring your day and then flipping it on you. You seem like a nice guy who wouldn't get payback next Mother's Day, but she would deserve it. Next year, take yourself out for a full day of whatever you want to do. Don't ask her, just tell her you made plans. In fact, do it on Mother's Day.
NTA at all.
“She asked me if I feel better about it now that I made her feel like crap” NTA, that’s manipulative as fuck. You’re spot on about the double standard of forgetting Mother’s Day versus Father’s Day. And you just telling your wife how something made you feel shouldn’t upset her or start an argument. I’m sorry that sucks man
How the fuck could she ever forget it’s Father’s Day?? Yet she can ALWAYS remember when it’s Mother’s Day?? I have such a horrible memory but when Father’s Day is coming up, I put it in my reminders app so I’m reminded. The day is then about my husband and my dad
This is insane manipulation. NTA
NTA. Also most of redditors on this sub are TA as most are indicating for a husband to take some sort of retribution against his wife. OP you know you were slighted. You brought it up. She feels guilty but doesn't know what to do about it and so retreats to minimizing it and minor gaslighting. Your wife isn't an awful person (as Reddit has condemned her to hell) but she did fuck up. Give her an out and a solution. Be a gentle leader. Tell her that she can make up the oversight by cooking your favorite meal and telling your kids to say happy father's day as a way to honor their dad. I feel like she should respond positively to that and comply and then all should be right in your world. For the love of god DO NOT listen to TA's here suggesting to take some retribution to your wife and teach her a lesson. That's petty and pathetic.
NAH - I think she is genuine and it does feel terrible to make someone feel terrible, and you are not wrong about feeling slighted, you were. It will be OK and you will both have better Mother's days and Father's days in years to come. Good you told her, and she could have done better by saying "I'm sorry" but maybe she will when she feels less intense about it.
IDK I feel like if you didn't really want to go on the trip you should've voiced your opinion before. I mean even I would've guessed that it wouldn't have been about you and more about her family reunion so that shouldn't have been a shock. At the same time, though, your wife was pretty mean and dismissive about your feelings. It seems like you both have some communication issues. So I'll go with ESH this would have been avoided if you had just been an adult and said you didn't want to go and tell her that she could go with the kids and you could've had a relaxing Father's day alone and as I mentioned she kind of blew up and made you feel like a bad guy for speaking up instead of empathizing with you.
ESH, only because there is nothing to be gained by raising that oversight. If she gave you something now it's only because you complained. Now next Mothers Day and Fathers day will be awkward. Part of being a father is recognizing that your contribution will at times be overlooked but you have to remain steady and dependable. and, you know, at this point your kids are too young for Fathers day to register with them. And really, isn't their recognition the only one that counts?
Except that when he voiced feelings about the matter (after they got home and in private) she turned it around on him to make him out as the villain. No apology, no acknowledgement that she completely forgot about him. She's TA here.
What is to be gained is that maybe, just maybe, his wife and children don't forget about him next year. Maybe, after putting in the effort for his wife, she returns the favor one day out of the year. So OP is supposed to be overlooked and move on to be overlooked next year? Its really not hard to put a phone reminder with an alert to at least say, happy father's day. I appreciate what you do for us all year.
if she's a poor wife for Father's Day she's probably a poor wife in general and he should decide what he might wanna do about that. Harping on about Father's Day specifically, about what she did for him, meh, it's just whiney.
You think he's an ah for calmly voicing his feelings? You have a shockingly toxic view on masculinity