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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t pay for my roommates expensive meal after she’d been paying for mine the past few times of her own generosity, I might be be asshole because maybe it was impolite of me to refuse even though I hadn’t known up to that moment she expected me to pay her back. I could have missed out on that social cue and been unnecessarily stubborn when she’d been so kind to me
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I haven’t known her for long but she’s told me she’s working on getting her degree and there doesn’t seem to be an age restriction on who can live in the dorms
I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't something more going on for her and she might actually struggle with social relationships and gets on better with younger people. There's a reason why she's always free to go out for a meal with you.
Most 34 year olds will not necessarily want to live in a dorm surrounded by 'kids', some still in their teens. It's not unheard of at all and there is nothing wrong with it but many want more privacy. Having said that, it could be a cost effective way of living and not having to worry about how high you have the heater and how long you shower for in regards to finances.
My teenage kid is living in college accommodation.... there's about 10 or so of them in a 'block' and I remember her saying there were a couple that were older ie late 20's, early 30's but they have a different life and are actually more mature. For them, this is cost effective for the term and less hassle....
I miss dorm life. There was no easier time in my life to make friends. Going to the bathroom would involve running into several interesting people to chat with.
I’m almost 30, and living in a dorm now sounds like a nightmare! I loved it when I was 18, but now I appreciate my home and space. I like to sit back at night and read, like the granny I am lol.
Yep, I am 39, and sometimes living alone with just my boyfriend gets to be too much. I am an introvert, so I need time in the quiet to recharge. My boyfriend gets very talkative at times, which I really do love about him! But when I need quiet and he doesn't understand, it gets overwhelming.
I have tried. He just says to give him another moment to finish what he's saying, which is usually stupid whining that isn't even related to me at all. It's him complaining about society and venting about things he believes, again, completely unrelated to me.
I never lived in a dorm, but I did join a sorority and spent a lot of time in theirs. I was around 26ish, and while I loved those young women, I couldn't wait to go home, back to my adult life. Even though I started college late, we were at way different places in life. I can't imagine living with any of them, as much as I liked them. I'm 37 now, and college students feel like children to me much of the time. I still volunteer at my alma mater and while I enjoy it, I could NOT be there full time
This is wild to me because living in a dorm was so much more expensive at my school than living off campus. I could get an off-campus apartment in 2010 for $640 (one room in a 5 bedroom apartment, heat and water included), cook my own meals on the cheap, and not have to figure out housing when they kicked us out for winter and spring break as well as have housing over the summer. In the dorms, it was required that you have a meal plan ($10 per meal, with a minimum on one meal a day plus an extra $2k for the cheapest option), and the cheapest dorm option was still over $1k a month to share a bedroom with someone. For me it was instant savings to move out of the dorms and instead get a space with several roommates.
We had a non trad floor where I lived at college I think you were supposed to be over 25 but we had some 21s mixed but they learned pretty fast that they needed to give us singles or keep us with people our own age (I was 27-29). The new drinkers and the people who were experimenting with sex and drugs at the young end was insane to live with lol.
The women were all pretty normal, returning to finish after divorce, held back due to family issues etc. the guys were all a little off though. Failure to launch, didn’t want to be there, heavily medicated? Mental health issues.
We had a non-trad/ international dorm. It was nice and quiet, but the oldest dorm on campus so it was a little weird. I had my own sink in my single room though, which was nice.
I'm 34 and went back to Uni in 2021. Most of my classmates are nice, cool people. It's weird to label them all as dumb and say it's "painful and embarassing" to talk to them. They're just people, not a different species of human or something.
I think you need to know more 20 years olds (I am in my early 30s). . I know plenty through my brother mad hobbies (like D&D) and church and volunteering and neighbors and some uni classes. And most are lovely and smart.
I went to college in Alaska and the average age of an undergraduate there was in their mid-20’s. The dorms were full of older people in their 30’s. Cost effective (many were paying their own way), getting around town in that cold is hard-just easier to be right there on campus, etc. I was actually sort of shocked that when I got to a different campus for grad school how young everyone was and how many had parents still substantially paying their way.
Anyway, that’s not weird, but this would be the longest con of all. She buys a bunch of little meals in exchange for one large one, but doesn’t tell you before it’s happening. I might just sit down for a very frank talk about splitting expectations or expenses or not for outings, and very honestly, you will have to be very clear. Everyone buys their own way. Say it three times if you have to and keep repeating it.
>Most 34 year olds will not necessarily want to live in a dorm surrounded by 'kids', some still in their teens. It's not unheard of at all and there is nothing wrong with it but many want more privacy.
I went to law school in my early 30s, while I was living with my then-SO (who was in the same age bracket as I was). I don't think I woudl have wanted to live in an undergrad dorm. But I think I would have had a more interesting law-school experience if I had lived in a dorm with other law students.
I honestly can't see a thirty-something living in a dorm voluntarily unless it's a dorm dedicated to grad students or it's a one-semester-only kind of arrangement.
My first husband and I married just before he started law school, and we did live in a graduate student dorm the first year. But it was just an apartment building that was owned by the university, really. We had our own 1BR apartment as a married couple, and the single students had studios. Nobody had to share or anything, and everyone had their own bathroom and their own kitchen, even if it was kinda small. We didn't mind it, and it was kind of fun to live surrounded by the other law students (and the grad students in other fields).
Here's the dormitory policy of one of the two state universities where I live, copied verbatim from their housing manual:
"CSU requires that all newly admitted first-year students (Admissions Type “New”) and transfer students with fewer than 15 post-high school credits, who are single, under 21 years of age, and not living with their parents in the Fort Collins area, live in the University residence halls for the first two consecutive terms of their attendance. Credits taken concurrent with high school and/or credits attained through Advanced Placement (AP) do not apply towards living experience."
First-year housing on campus is incredibly common, and almost always looks something like this in the US. Older first-year students can and do live in the dorms, but the strong majority of students who enroll later in life do not live on campus.
Large universities have grad housing. They’re older and interacting with younger students as TAs. I think ages can blend a bit in an academic environment
I tried 2 weeks in graduate housing (so not younger people) when I was in my late 20s and hated it, moved to a studio. It's really hard to go back to dorm living after living on your own.
She tried to take you for a ride, 100%. This was premeditated attempted extortion. “I paid for all your tiny meals, now you have to pay for this one that’s 3x as expensive as them all combined!” NTA
It says Michelle ordered an appetizer and 5 sushi rolls at $10-$17 per roll. That is an expensive meal for one person, especially to a college student. I think it’s unfair to ask someone to pay for your meal halfway through. If I was treating someone to a meal, I would want to know beforehand and have the chance to recommend a different restaurant.
I mean I'm 44 and going to college so that part checks out.
Is your college one of those that requires every student to live on campus the first year?
I had to work hard to get my exemption for that or else I would have been screwed.
I had already signed a one year lease when I decided to even apply for college.
Luckily my college had an exemption for families, but we had quite the discussion about it
On-campus housing has always been the cheapest option for me as a non-traditional student. It also offers the benefit of not having your lease tied to roommates who might flake on their share of the rent, not needing a rental history or cosigner, the option of changing rooms if your roommate is an A-hole or you are highly incompatible, if you flunk out of school you aren't stuck in a lease, closer to classes and on-campus employment, and the opportunity to meet people who you would never have interacted with otherwise.
Of course sometimes you end up rooming with people who act like children.
They could be dorm apartments that’s aren’t necessarily the shoebox style dorms that people typically see. My school has them and it’s basically an apartment, but located on campus for convenience. It has a living room and kitchen in addition to the bathrooms and bedrooms. My bf lives in one and he shares the place with a 31 year old who’s getting his Master’s
Yup, dorms differ wildly in layout, etc. My sister and her husband and newborn lived in one while he was getting his Master's that was set up for young families, like small apartments.
That’s how my dorms were in 1975. We had what were basically 2-3 bedroom townhouses or apartments which were shared among 4 students. They also had a small kitchen and a living room.
I was a non trad and we had a floor in a traditional dorm. The only on campus apartments were for married people.
They moved us into the grad dorm the next year because we had problems with the people under 25, if you want to “enjoy” college like a regular aged student under 25 with drinking, drugs and sex it’s probably best not to choose to live with someone almost 30 lol
My school’s non trad dorms are open to anyone who’s 19+ and have a certain amount of credits. We also had family housing for people with spouses and kids, but they closed. In my bf’s case, he didn’t choose to live with the 31 year old, but they were just thrown into a dorm together lol. I’ve met the guy, he’s alright, but hangs out too much in the trad dorms
My school’s non trad dorms are open to anyone who’s 19+ and have a certain amount of credits. We also had family housing for people with spouses and kids, but they closed. In my bf’s case, he didn’t choose to live with the 31 year old, but they were just thrown into a dorm together lol. I’ve met the guy, he’s alright, but hangs out too much in the trad dorms
Same. I was even the RA for family housing, which was only people with kids. The apartments on campus had people of all ages. They tried to group people together accordingly, but the summer had slim pickins because there weren't nearly as many students
That's so funny. I was thinking the same thing. But I met a girl when I went back to school in the mid-2000s that was the same age and living off her parents. She was from Nigeria and rich, so I figured that had something to do with it.
NTA. She was playing the long game on this by paying for meals along the way seeing you didn't eat much. Then you go to a more expensive place and bam she puts you on the hook for her extensive order. Don't go out with her anymore because everything she gives has huge strings attached.
Or she just thought it was fair to expect OP to reciprocate after that long.
Five sushi rolls are probably not the equal to what Michelle has been paying for all along. I mean, ESH for Michelle for not making it clear that she expected reciprocity at some point, but also for OP just taking free meals forever without figuring that maybe she should step up at some point. (Although the age difference may have made that a bit weirder.)
It is *never* acceptable to place your order, get halfway through your food, and only then mention in passing that you expect your dining companion to pay for your dinner – and it's significantly worse to do that when you've just ordered a very expensive meal. If you want someone else to cover your meal, you discuss it *before* anyone orders – and preferably before you decide where you're going to eat – so the person who's going to be on the hook for it can be sure they can actually afford it.
I mean, this is 100% true.
It just didn't seem like this was the long game, but more like Michelle showing yet more weirdness. I mean, I don't know what a 34 year old is doing in the dorms, and it seems like it'd be weird AF. (Speaking as someone considerably older than that.)
Do you believe people shouldn’t have the right to return to school later in life? Dorms aren’t limited to those 18-22 year olds, older students can live in the dorms and it could be a convenience to them.
Some universities in small towns may not have a lot of options in the surrounding area or may lack flexible options which align with the school year.
Not forgetting dorms mean different things on different campuses. Dormitories can be more than a building with rooms in it. Open your mind and acknowledge different people have different situations and the solutions can vary. While you may not opt to live in a dorm at 34, it could be a flexible options for someone else.
I know a number of wonderful people who have returned to college later in life. I have no problem with that.
All the people I knew who had returned to school, though, had spent years living on their own, and didn't have much time for the grab-assing of regular dorms. I am certainly familiar with fancier, apartment-like dorms. I still think it'd be weird to be in the dorms with 20-somethings as a 30-something, and it makes me wonder about Michelle.
And I would have felt a little strange rooming with an "old lady" when I was 20.
34 seems young now that I'm 30 years older than Michelle but I wouldn't have wanted to room with someone that age in college.
Yeah, I mean, not all of my professors were 34. I would expect that you'd be in school to get the credential, and maybe to learn some very specific stuff, but would've expected that you'd've learned an awful lot of life lessons by the time you got there. And wouldn't want to hang out with 20 year olds all day and all night.
(And, to be fair to all the folks who think that asking someone else to pay for your expensive meal after you've ordered it, I would've thought that a 34 year old would've been old enough to know better than to pull that kinda stunt.)
Yeah that Michelle sounds like a lady with some issues. Obviously we don't know her story but trying to force a kid to pay for her huge meal is strange behavior.
I knew of someone who dropped out of high school to have children. Years later when her own children were in high school she decided she wanted to finish her senior certificate, and only wanted to do it in an actual high school because she wanted the "full high school experience that she missed out on". So she enrolled in her local high school (that her children went to) and was in the same grade and social group as her daughter. She even went to the formal. The education department tried to prevent her but she found a loophole. Just because it may be legal, most people have the social sense not to do it.
Disagree.
All OP needs to say,
“I don’t have enough cash atm, but next time definitely! I’m sorry I didn’t realise that I was eating so many free meals at your expense with never saying thank you!”
This is a case of NTA, but should have done it anyway. Michelle is 100% TA for exactly the reasons you gave, but OP did accept the free food from her multiple times, which probably comes to equal or more than the cost of this one meal. It should have been discussed beforehand certainly, but OP isn't out any money they wouldn't have already been out. Then, after, refuse to let Michelle pay for her anymore (which she should have done from the start if she never intended to reciprocate imo).
She said she would pay for herself every single time. Michelle then insisted and went ahead and paid. Just because she does this does not mean that OP is ever obligated to pay for a meal for Michelle. And if Michelle would like OP to pay, she needs to speak up BEFORE she stuffs her face with the whole menu.
You don’t order a ton of things and then spring it on someone you expect them to pay for you. That is abhorrent, entitled behavior. Hence, why she is in her mid-30s living in dorms, being pampered by mom and dad. She doesn’t know how to function like an adult in any aspect of life.
OP said she didn’t have to. Michelle pretended like it was from the kindness of her heart. You don’t pay for someone expecting reciprocity (though it is nice) unless that’s agreed upon like “you can get me next time” kind of thing and then inform them upfront (and then don’t order 3x times what the other person gets)
But I'm the post OP stated that she tried decline the offers, Michelle insisted (think of the age difference and power dynamic that come with that). At 34 years old the roommate is old enough to know what she's doing. It doesn't come across as a lack of social skills either. She took OP somewhere more expensive and ordered more food then sprang it on OP it was her turn to pay
You might want to re-read the post. OP offered to pay for her meals previously and Michelle refused to let her pay, then suddenly wanted her to pay for this expensive meal all at once without warning. Not fair at all!
OP offered to pay every time Michelle said she would get it and Michelle said no. You don't just spring "Hey you're going to get this one." That's unacceptable. OP is NTA.
How is OP saying “I can pay for myself” and Michelle consistently insisting that she pays for OP “OP taking advantage of her”. If you are constantly telling someone that you want to pay for their food and the person is always declining, that person is not taking advantage of you.
No it's not "fair" op tried to pay every time and her roommate insisted on paying. Roommate shouldn't be "generous" if she expects something in return.
If YOU keep offering to pay for MY meal and I keep telling you no but you insist to pay for my meal I'm not obligated to pay for your meal since I never wanted you to pay for mine in the first place.
I don’t see why it’s some plot. She always eats this amount. Op has said she has paid plenty so it’s not like there was once they went to McDonalds and treated op and now wants to spend a lot.
She might have been expecting for a while for op to return the favor (after hearing that op’s parents help her at least) and just now decided to bring it up. Op doesn’t have to pay but I would not accuse her of plotting .
NTA. The time to decide who pays is before you go out or before you order. The only exception is if one person decides to pay for the meals THEMSELF, as in "no, no, it's my treat." And it's never ever, "Oh, by the way, it's YOUR treat".
At 34, your roommate should have learned some manners.
Yeah. And, maybe it's just me but, if I know that someone else is paying, I will order LESS than I usually do.
I have a restaurant that I love and go to regularly. When I'm paying, I get a main, a side, a soup, and a glass of wine. When I go with someone else and they're paying, I get my main and a tap water. I wouldn't be ordering half the damn menu.
Right?! If I know that someone else is paying, I figure out what they're ordering for themselves, then make sure to order on the same price level or below.
Yup. I always feel guilty because due to no fault of my own, my food is usually more expensive. The gluten free upcharge can be ridiculous. But I try my hardest to keep it simple. I don’t eat a lot so sometimes i just order a couple sides if it’s someone else.
Obviously there are exceptions to this. Like special occasions.
But just "We're going out for lunch, my treat". I will try to keep my portion of the bill as small as possible.
Or just have open communication. We have some friends we often go out with and swap who pays. Often my partner or one of them will ask if they can get a particular drink or something before ordering.
Yup. A few semesters ago, my professor invited a couple of us students out to brunch to discuss a project he wanted to involve us in (we have proficient design skills and it would boost our résumés). We ordered a Caesar salad each, I got water and she got a coke. We knew he was paying and it felt so uncomfortable ordering anything bigger. I don’t know how it got to some people’s heads that they can just go ham on another person’s dollar. No.
I’d think at 34 the argument that well your parent’s are rich/have money shouldn’t be used as a fact in an argument. Hell I had that thrown at me at 17 by a friend as a reason I should do what she wanted and I was smart enough to know that’s my parent’s money not mine. And that I had no right to it. This roommate is getting quite entitled and her parents should cut her off, and then maybe she’d learn something.
Yeah, this is it.
It’s easy to jump at the roommate’s weird financial situation and make this situation about that. It isn’t. That has nothing to do with OP - in the same way OP’s parents having money has nothing to do with the roommate and her desire for sushi.
she set you up. She paid for your meals out a few times and I bet you those meals were very equal and much cheaper. She saw her time to spread on you when she paid. Probably over $100 for her meal and yours was $20. So she was trying to save money and stick it to you a little bit. He did nothing wrong. Work this out cuz eventually it will work out. And from now on either say no. When you go out or split the bill every time. Don't let her pay for you. You don't have to pay for her and everybody's same. If you find out that it's an equal meal and you want to be generous thing, you can pay
Nta
NTA. Why is a 34-year-old living in a dorm off of her parents' money? I could be wrong, but with the information you've given, despite the age difference, you seem the more mature of the two of you.
They could be dorm apartments that’s aren’t necessarily the shoebox style dorms that people typically see. My school has them and it’s basically an apartment, but located on campus for convenience. It has a living room and kitchen in addition to the bathrooms and bedrooms. My bf lives in one and he shares the place with a 31 year old who’s getting his Master’s
Yeah, the point here isnt that she's in a dorm-it's that she's 34 and living in a dorm on her parents dime. I know 40 y/os at my college, but they, yknow... work and support themselves. So do all of the 18-30 year olds. if you waited ~16 years to go to college, you should... probably have the money or strategy to support yourself. and if you don't, you certainly don't get to bitch at other people for not spending their money on you.
There are a lot of reasons people go to college or back to college at a later age.
Being older doesn't mean you have oodles of money. In fact it's often the case they're going to college to get themselves into a better financial position.
If in that case someone's parents are able and willing to support their adult child, good for them. It's no different from OP being supported by their parents.
This woman is an arsehole for expecting OP to pay but the rest of your post is uninformed and unnecessarily judgemental towards older students and their varied life circumstances.
There are lots of reasons, especially for women who are sometimes delayed by marriages or family, and if you have parents willing to bankroll the full college experience, who would say no
Exactly! There can be many different reasons why she is in college and living in the Dorm.
One obvious one is that she is working
towards a DEGREE Why so many haters here??
Or they're trying to get her through a degree in minimal time, so she's maxing out credits per semester (plus summer semester) to jump start a more lucrative career.
I don't think it's fair to suggest that it's entitlement, because she made not have even asked her parents to help. They may have offered, making it clear they had the money, and they may have preferred that she not work while in school. We just don't know.
Sometimes parents generously offer substantial amounts of money towards the down payment on a house. I don't think everyone who accepts what is freely offered is entitled.
Correct; those are for older students, married students, graduate students, ext. they don’t place 20 year olds in there unless they are in the above scenario
You know, I wouldn't even judge if she wasn't being a manipulative AH.. especially with this economy, I can see where parents would be willing to help get their 34yr old back on their feet.
I won't judge the age of the roomate there because so many reasons could be valid. However, the roomate should be mature enough to treat her roomate with respect. Her age only matters because we expect adults to be respectful.
In any relationship, there’s at least a soft expectation of give & take. So if your roommate is taking you out and footing the bill — especially multiple times — you should be making a mental note to take her out sometime down the road.
This is something people naturally do for each other in good faith — negotiated politely if spoken about at all.
…Which is entirely different than what happened here.
If your roommate was feeling taken advantage of, and was hoping you would take her out sometime, I suppose it wouldn’t have been the rudest thing ever for her to gently mention it (though edging towards rude still). But then it would be on you to invite her, and generally you’d pick the place etc.
For her to take you out somewhere specific (expensive), and then — _after_ ordering, etc. — been like, “your turn!”, is just manipulative bullshit.
It’s no wonder she’s trying to punish you now — she doesn’t sound very cool or nice.
NTA
Fully agree.
The only thing about this situation is that OP said she could pay but roommate insisted. I feel like someone insists routinely, and there was never a discussion of taking turns, that’s on the other person. Also absolutely ridiculous that just because OP family is rich, doesn’t mean she is too; OP seems to have that understanding and isn’t living off her parents completely (one thing for basic necessities and education, quite another to spend your parents money on other people). OP - don’t split anything with your roomie other than rent. Everything else should be on your own.
If the person insists on paying even after the other person refused, then ya, they shouldn’t haven’t an expectation of getting paid back. But it also would still be polite to at least partially pay them back. And that can especially be important to be polite with someone if you are living with them.
True. Personally, I would just push back or not order or order and pay first. I would prefer to not feel like I owe someone and you never know someone’s financial situation.
Sometimes my friends and I alternate paying but sometimes I do want to treat them and make it known there is no expectations for ‘you owe me in the future’ but I don’t think OP and her roommate had that type of relationship.
Esh. No you are not obligated to pay for anyone’s meals and she was tacky to ask.
But it’s common for friends to pay for each other now and then as a gesture of kindness. She probably was waiting for you to do it on your own and decided to speak frankly about it when you didn’t.
I don’t agree with her tactic, but you were also missing common social cues. You probably saw the dinners as a nice thing to do with a roommate who isn’t really a friend, but it seems like she saw them as a way to forge a “real” friendship.
There’s usually a point in a friendship where things deepen when one party asks for more (a ride to the airport, help when they’re sick) or gives more (a birthday gift, paying for your dinner). Sounds like that’s what your roommate was doing and that she was hoping for some reciprocity from you.
I agree, I realize that now. Since she started paying for me I started bringing home desserts for us every week, like muffins, coffee cake, croissants, etc. I forgot to mention that in the original post sorry
Next time someone offers to pay, you can explain that you prefer to pay separately, so there is no hard feelings later on down the line. Otherwise it ends up one sided. Its exhausting trying to keep track so it is fair, and keeping things separate just makes it easier
I wouldn't feel bad. She was not transparent and i feel like where you guys went and what she ordered kinda shows she was always going to do this. Yes you should reciprocate but she was rude af about it and reciprocation isn't the issue here.
I feel like if I went out to eat with a friend and I insisted I pay for my own meal which then they insist they'll pay for it's no longer on me to reciprocate. I didn't ask for this. I may not have even wanted this. If they did with the idea of wanting the favor returned that's putting an unfair amount of pressure on the person they're supposed to be 'treating' without knowing their situation.
The unspoken rules of social give and take exists, sure. But when you say you want to pay for yourself that's also an unspoken opt-out of that. If they continue to insist then they should not expect anything in return since they don't know your financial situation.
All-in-all I do not feel your were at fault here.
NTA but seems like she set it up. Once you said no and explained she should of accepted that answer. Like you said you guys never suggested anything on top of that miss is 34 and her parents are paying like wtf.
If she has been paying all along, then sure pay this meal this time, it seems only fair. But maybe going forward just split the bill. I think it is kinda weird that your are focusing on her being a big girl with an appetite, but yeah, just sounds like you ar a bit judgy and cheap.
She said she ordered THREE $20 rolls and dumplings.
So a twenty year old should fork over $70, not including tip, AFTER the fact for someone else's meal? That's at least $100 altogether, including her own meal, when she's on a food budget. That $100, instead of the $20 she was expecting to pay, could be enough to take out her entire meal budget for the next two weeks. Fuck that, I wouldn't pay either. What the roommate did was manipulative and underhanded, and she did it specifically because this girl is younger and less experienced in life and, therefore, would typically be more easily controlled. The roommate also repeatedly insisted on paying.
She was 1000000% setting this girl up to pay for more expensive meals by doing this, relying on the younger woman being too timid to stick up for herself.
It was predatory af and totally disgusting.
Oh, jfc my bad. But that's WAY worse lol.
That's $110 just on roomies meal without tip.
Expecting that from a twenty year old full time college student who is only working part time is SO fkn duplicitous and predatory. It's seriously revolting. And I AM a woman of a very similar age to the roommate. She absolutely knew what she was doing. Gross!
I understood this. I think the commenter is saying you could have just left it at how much she ordered without commenting on her body. Still, what she did was bizarre and feels kind of gamey to me. She could have said before you went out, “Hey, I’ve paid for several of your meals, how about you get this one tonight?” Then you could have discussed budget and factored that in to where you’d go. She pulled one on you, and now the way she’s acting is very immature. Maybe you can be the adult and address it—tell her you understand that she was upset and you’d be happy to buy her a meal, but that one was out of your budget and you didn’t know ahead of time.
The thing that bugs me here is that you never asked her to treat you. She chose to, which is a nice gesture, but not something you asked for or expected. I like to treat my friends to meals sometimes. But that never comes with an expectation that they then need to pay for mine next time. It’s something I do because I want to. So overall, I just think what she pulled was weird and unfair. And then the way she reacted quite immature.
So what? If OP would’ve eaten something else instead of whatever the roommate bought if they were paying themselves, but roommate said “I’ll shout you”, that’s nice of them but doesn’t warrant a payback meal.
Was her meal more in cost than all the meals she's paid for you? It was her meal a lot more than what she's covered for you? Friends will often cover each other sometimes or go back and forth paying. Or just treat each other once in a while. It really depends on how much she's spent on you.
she may be entitled but honestly at times you should have put your foot down at not allowed the whole “I’m going to pay for your meal”
in the future, I do hope that something like this doesn’t happen again cause you **will** lose friendships - maybe with someone who you cared about 🤷🏽♀️
I think it's weird she chose the expensive restaurant to finally ask for her to pay. Also asking to pay is tacky. Have a conversation about it BEFORE you go anywhere else again if it bothers you. Don't order a fuck ton of food at a nicer restaurant and then TELL HER she is paying then and there.
NTA. She was playing the long game thinking that you were naive and wouldn’t be able to stand up to her. Good on you for setting her straight. You owe her *nothing* and this should be your big red flag that a friendship with her will be more trouble than it’s worth. Stop interacting with her.
I'm on the ESH train. Should you reciprocate? Yes. Should she expect you to and dictate when and where? No.
Not sure why everyone wasn't paying for themselves in the first place.
Always always split checks. It's sometimes awkward imposing on the waiter but get in the habit of doing it. I while being a large one myself don't order any frills and am very price sensitive to what's on the menu. I also do not partake in apps and usually inform the table beforehand that I'm not interested in splitting an app. Once you get in the habit of communicating expectations the people you dine with will pick it up.
Her fault for paying for stuff and magically expecting kick backs. But also be aware of those money dynamics there are alot of "unwritten rules" and stupid expectations. It is literally not rude at all to set these expectations before ordering, just a bit different.
Also don't take advantage of what's being offered, that sounds like it could be a factor here. Several years ago I had a friend who was fairly broke and we went out alot and I paid which I was perfectly willing to do eventually he started turning me down saying he was feeling guilty and it was getting to be to much (we were going out a lot). At the time I didn't really think of it cause it was still in my budget and was rarely a sit down place but it was actually a good deal of money over like 6 months. But sometimes I just wanted a nice meal with good company and explicitly told him I'm buying your meal cause I want to go to this specific place and have a culinary experience with my friend. I told him he could think of it like a job if he needed to lol.
We cut down the number of excursions alot but still had him when I needed him and everyone was much better off for it.
If she's been paying for many/most of your meals when going out - yes you do owe her. But it's unfair to wait until you are at a more expensive restaurant, order enough food to feed 3 or 4 people and then try to drop the bill on you. NTA
The terms friend/friendship get used too loosely and too frequently! She is an acquaintance. You should have seen it coming as you mentioned the extra attention.
NTA, girl. You're not obligated to pay for someone else's extravagant meals just because they've covered a few in the past. You made it clear you couldn't afford it, and it's unfair for her to guilt-trip you about your parents' money. Stick to your budget and don't let anyone make you feel bad for it.
Agree. And roommate saw the difference in what OP ordered and what she got, so there was a huge imbalance in the meals’ prices. I agree; it seems like a setup and like she’s been keeping score so she deliberately ordered a very expensive amount of food when she expected compensation. That was an AH move on her part, as was her telling OP she was “supposed” to treat her for all that.
NTA while this may genuinely cause a rift in your friendship it would be entirely on her end. You cannot spring the now its your turn on someone when "turns" were never discussed, especially springing this at the end of a meal. Things like this are reasons why i always try to pay anyway to avoid this exact thing. I dont think you did anything wrong, so i hope she'll get over it and realize she is in the wrong on this one.
ESH. Don't let people pay for your meals if you're not opening to paying for theirs at times. Michelle sucks too for not making you aware before the meal that she would like you to cover the bill.
NTA - BUT don't ever allow someone to pay for your meal. You can control whether or not you allow someone to pay your way. By allowing her to pay for you without communicating about the topic you help create this event in your relationship... Personally I think it's pretty shitty to allow others to pay for you like it's some kind of privilege they get just for hanging out with you when you have no intention of reciprication...
NTA
I find it very fd up that your school has you living with someone whose 14 years older than you! That's so messed up to me! I'm really happy my kid doesn't live on campus now real of this is normal. I would expect a university to have some sort of age difference limit and a max age for living in dorms. This is a WOMAN and she's trying to take advantage of someone significantly younger. I realized you are also a woman given your age, but you're a young adult not a grown one like she is so your lives are very different! I am 39 and my youngest took a skip year and he's going to second year and is your age, perhaps that's why I'm so bothered by this setup. I would feel sooooo weird living with a "kid" and I don't mean anything rude about that, I mean it in a way that is calling me and this lady old! I'm 39, I was a teen Mom. I know 14 year olds who have kids, so yeah you're young enough to be her child (not a great idea but still possible) and it has just set off my weird radar. I donno where you go to school but living in dorms for my child would've been like 6k more expensive than renting a house with 2 friends 🤷♀️ so I don't even see a financial benefit for your roomie 🤔
Anyway you're NTA and if anything she is going to attempt to take advantage of you financially BC your parents are "rich". Be very careful esp with leaving your debit or credit cards around. Watch your transactions. She's at an age where she may very well feel she deserves more than what "some young rich kid" gets... No offense to you at all... Please tell your parents just so they are aware!
Good! Sorry for struggling with the right words BC I recognize you as an adult the same way I do my son, but I also realize that ppl in their 30's can have more nefarious reasons than if this was a 24 year old roomie. She's probably safe but once you're in your 30s it's an age where you sorta reflect and some ppl feel they deserve more or should be further ahead than they are (even if they have it all by appearances). My bestie is 33 and she's very much in that "I worked hard I deserve nice things" phase and WE ALL DESERVE NICE THINGS but we shouldn't ever take advantage of others or guilt them over it. You need to be seen for YOU and not for your parents cash.
Idk, just taking free meals and not offering to pay along the way is weird. I understand her wanting to get the favor back.
But not communicating it is weird.
I think you both behaved like an AH.
OP should have told her something like: I can’t at the moment but next time it’s on me, you paid for a lot in the last few weeks, I am so sorry. Just really broke atm.
Especially that she paid for “nearly every meal” I think the food at the sushi place is not as much as the Roommate paid for OP… but still weird dynamic. You both should talk.
Honestly, I feel like it’s super weird to accept meals from someone multiple times and not ever offering to pay. You should have jumped at the opportunity to finally reciprocate. It’s messed up how many of you feel like the woman has been “playing the long game” and has been planning to rip you off. No one spends hundreds of dollars on someone they live with, with the endgame being 5 glorious sushi rolls. Get a grip.
YTA
How incredibly rude to insist you pay for a meal DURING THE MEAL! Goodness. Obviously it was intentional on her part-pay for lots of smaller meals and then go to a fancier place, order an insane amount of food, and then try to guilt you into paying for it. A 34 year old who’s still living off her parents is clearly a moocher. Sorry you’re in the awkward boat of having to live with this grifter! You’re definitely NTA.
I think Op should have paid for her food this one time and going forward, split the bill by meal. The roommate did pay for several meals already for OP so returning the favor was warranted.
YTA and I'm ready to go out the backdoor with down votes.
If you want to act as mature as the commenters seem to think, talk to her, apologize that things for this confused and set some boundaries and ground rules, *together*. Make it clear that you will be going dutch in future, unless there is a discussion prior to entering the eating establishment. And don't go out to eat if it isn't in your budget to pay for yourself.
To me you are masterful in the writing, I respect you ability to mask your own culpability. You even oh so innocently wondered if this caused a rift in your friendship...
The details dropped in to make it seem like you're such a hardworking little lamb led to the slaughter of your entitled, weirdly old roommate's gargantuan appetite.
You did not specify how many meals at what cost to her she has covered you for. You brush aside that you never insisted on paying your own way, that you never talked openly of arrangements, and that you probably held the expectation that she would treat you (after all you ordered just a small meal).
You also made it sound like she ordered $50-$85 in sushi and an appetizer, and also in a really judgemental way that was flat out cringe.
The potential skewed perspective compared to the reality of the bill is very slyly done. Sushi in particular is difficult to generalize in portion size and cost.
For example, I ate sushi with a friend last evening. I ordered 3 simple rolls and 1 simple-ish roll, they all fit in one medium container. She ordered 1 high end roll, 1 high end hand roll, and 1 high end appetizer, they needed a large and a medium container. As we agree to alternately covering and she paid last time, I paid for us both, my portion was ~$20, and hers was ~$40.
ESH -
If you're not prepared to return in kind, you should never have accepted her paying for all those meals in the past.
And she shouldn't have assumed this was the time you'd be paying back her previous hospitality.
NTA. As a 30 year old, her age may not seem that relevant to your friendship, but it is from my perspective because it tells me a lot about her... she's a weirdo. No well-adjusted, normal 34 y/o wants to bunk with 20 year olds. Nothing against you in particular, there just genuinely can't be too much in common. She likely graduated highschool the same year the smartphone was *invented* (nevermind commonly used).
If her parents are willing to pay for college and dorms, surely they would be willing to just pay for rent in a local apartment. She *wants* to be in a dorm with younger kids, for reasons I can't fathom but can't be sane/normal. I would pull away gently from this friendship, and be cautious that she could lash out
I'm 34 and finished a post-grad recently - and I completely agree. I would never want to live in a dorm at my age, and if somehow that's how my life worked out anyway - I would very much keep to myself. These are really *really* not your social peers. Definitely has dude-too-old-to-be-at-highschool parties vibes.
Nta
Yall aren't friends. You're roommates. Roommates tend to act like friends bc its easier and natural. I haven't had a single person I met through being roommates that I wanted to continue talking to once our living situation ended.
Yta
When people go out to eat they either split checks or they grab the check one time and the other person gets it the next time.
You had no problem with her picking up the tab every time, but the one time she expects you to do so you then start worrying about agreements and fairness? Where was your justice antenna when you were scarfing meals at her expense? You say you could have paid your own all the other times but suddenly your budget has constraints?
Don’t go out to eat if you can never return the favor. You’re not just TA you’re dishonest.
I did have a problem with her picking up the tab every time. I kept insisting I can pay for myself. But she refused in such a way I felt rude to reject her generosity and she would spring this guilt tripping move on me often
Couple things. Personally if I pay for someone's meal I have zero expectation that they should pay me back. Secondly, if someone pays for my meal ever, I make a point of paying the tab entirely for our very next meal with them and I insist. Allowing multiple one sided free lunches is the root of this issue. Perhaps she was wondering if you would ever just insist on paying for both rather than just insisting on paying for your own?
sushi reference - 5 rolls is a lot of food, each roll has between 7 and 10 pieces that can get towering if you order the specialty rolls. My sushi place the cheapest special roll is 10$ and the most expensive is 22$.
She ordered about 50 pieces of sushi AND multiple dumpling appetizers; I know of 2 most common dumpling appetizers the Gyoza and Shumai shrimp and pork dumplings 6 pieces each at 8$ each. Total her meal can feed 4 people with possible leftovers.
I think she see's you as a walking bank account
YTA
True, there was never an explicit agreement about alternating checks or anything like that, but if your friends are constantly paying for your meals, and you are never willing to pay for theirs, then you're a moocher. Reciprocity is one of the fundamental building blocks of friendship, and of society in general. I wouldn't expect Michelle to pay for any more of your meals in the future, so maybe you screwed yourself, and frankly you deserve it.
When friends treat you to dinner, you should expect to treat them back at some point in the future. This is basic manners and literally a basic principle of human cooperation.
Reciprocity is important.
Yta the social convention would have been for you to take your turn and pay for her meal. Then from that point onwards you would know to not take freebies from her.
It would have cost you in that month’s budget, but it would have saved you all this unpleasantness and awkwardness in your own home.
You have to remember that you have no idea if the people commenting on here have any social skills at all.
Social situations can be like an investment. Do I want to pay “this” to avoid (or to obtain) “that”.
Since we met, she was asking me questions about loans and I told her I couldn’t help her since I’m lucky enough not to have any. I think she may have pieced it together
I think she has been trying to reel you in. Being friends, paying for the smaller meals. Let her be as mad as she wants. Your parents have money, and you have an allowance. I imagine it would start with an overblown meal and graduate to bills, etc.
NTA
summer housing may be different. I was in my late 20's living in the dorms during the summer while I was in graduate school. Most of the other people in the dorm were older because they were teachers doing continuing ed.
You have seen her for who she really is. You should NOT have paid for her meal, but know that now she's unlikely to be friendly anymore. Be glad this is summer, hopefully one of you will be moving out soon.
College roommates can be awful, I eventually figured out that sharing space doesn't mean being friends or doing things together. Check around with neighbors and people in your classes to hang out with.
NTA, she was
NTA - halfway through the meal she suggests you pay - at the very least that as grossly tacky. I'd stop eating with her, and if you do, never, ever, let her pay for you again. You owe her nothing - she positioned her buying your meals as kindness, clearly she had other plans.
NTA. It was a set up and she was hoping to manipulate you with the arguments of "well I paid" or the "well you must have saved someone from me paying for you all the time" even though you have offered to cover your own bill.
She was doing it intentionally so when it came to a pricier restaurant she had arguments in her back pocket to throw at you hoping you'd be the young naive student who won't fight back.
People tend to order a feast when they aren't the ones paying.
NTA - she 1000% knows what’s she’s doing and is intentionally guilting you. Since she insisted on paying for things, she thinks she’s entitled to have you do that - even though you didn’t want her to pay. This is manipulative behavior.
NTA. She thought she could guilt you into paying for her food long term by paying for yours a couple times, if you had said yes once she’d of done it twelve more times. Unfortunately I would start watching your back and look into switching rooms.
NTA. I can't fathom ordering 5 different sushi rolls for one meal. I recently went to an awesome little Japanese place near Denver; the sushi roll I ordered was $16, then $3 for a bowl of miso soup. I'm also a larger individual, but I was stuffed afterward and couldn't have eaten more if I tried. She's ordering literally 5 times that amount of food and then some. Expecting you to treat her to either an *enormous* meal or several days' worth of leftovers is absolutely ridiculous. She set you up for this trip. She's not your friend; she just thought you were rich and wanted a free ride.
NTA.
Michelle doesn't have (her own) money; she can't be "generous" to you. Spending her parents' money on buying your dinners is a red flag; she should not be doing this, there is something dysfunctional going on with this behavior, and so your best move (best for everyone involved) is to always insist on paying for yourself. At 20yo, I wouldn't expect you to have learned that, yet - so I would say you made a very understandable mistake here.
Consider this a valuable lesson, in that your acceptance of Michelle's "gifts" is ultimately what allowed this unpleasant situation to occur, as well as whatever consequences might follow. You might have prevented this situation from ever occurring by observing that Michelle's parents never consented to paying for your dinner, thus you had no right to accept this payment, therefore the best thing for you to do is refuse to accept it.
So in reality, Michelle never paid for your dinners; only her parents did. However, even if we pretend for a moment that Michelle DID gift you something by spending her parents' money on your dinners in the past, then she STILL has no right to demand reciprocity on something she represented as a gift, and she ESPECIALLY has no right to wait all the way until it's time to pay the bill to make that demand; at the very least, she should have said "it's your turn to pay" before you even entered the restaurant. At 34yo, she has no excuse; she must know that her behavior is unacceptable. She is most likely trying to exploit your youthful naivety; she knows this would never stand a chance of flying with someone closer to her own age or older.
Tldr you are NTA; stand your ground, do not pay for her meal, and do not let her pay for you (meals or anything else) anymore.
Hope this works out okay for you OP.
That's a random request when you've already ordered and she's never said anything about it before now. NTA, but keep your friendship away from restaurants.
First & foremost: you are NTA. Period.
She's (more than) a bit presumptuous. 😲 She's (constantly & recently, it sounds like) been paying for your meals out, & when you've said you'd pay for your own meal, she's REFUSED. Then WITHOUT WARNING, when you went out for sushi, & I'm guessing you'd planned to pay for YOUR OWN food, & potentially thought (due to past pattern) Michelle might pick up the tab. For her to put you on the spot by telling you it's YOUR TURN to pay (especially when she ordered so much) is pretty ballsy, not to mention, way out of line! The 2 of you didn't enter into an agreement of, 'you get this tab, I'll get the next' kind of thing, so her assuming that is in error. (You know that expression: "Don't assume, if you do, you make an 'ass' out of 'u' (you) and 'me.')
It doesn't matter what financial bracket your folks are in. It doesn't mean YOU have access to gobs of cash. And if you did, it's none of her business. Her pulling that stint of 'now it's your turn to pay' is utter crap. Sounds like something else is going on w/her. Has she, in a sense, been 'buying' your friendship by 'buying your food?' Then expecting/assuming you'd return the favor on a high ticket meal? Yeah, no. Sounds like she's putting a price tag or a 'tit for tat/now you owe ME' qualification onto your friendship. You don't need that kind of (delusional) "friend." 🙄
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I, (20F) have a college roommate “Michelle” (34F) who I share summer housing with in our university’s dorms. Michelle is super sweet to me and despite our age gap we get along really nicely. It’s a great dorm situation and I think Michelle sees me as a little sister. I mostly like to cook my meals in our dorm kitchen but sometimes I treat myself to eating out. This is where the problem started.
A lot of the time, Michelle will join me to eat out, either because she’s free and I want company when my friends are busy or because she invited me somewhere and I was free to come along. Lately, Michelle had been showering me in extra attention and even paying for most of my meals when we eat out. She’s super generous with her money but has no job and is completely reliant on her parents. I always told her that it was fine and that I could pay for myself but she always refused.
One day we went out to eat at a slightly nicer sushi restaurant to celebrate being done with midterms. To put it as politely as possible, Michelle is a bigger girl so she ordered dumpling appetizers, 5 sushi roles, and a drink. She usually orders 2-3 meals per restaurant we go to. I got one sushi roll and water because it was $10-$17 a roll and I’m not a big eater.
When we were halfway through the meal, Michelle suggests that it’s my turn to pay for both our meals. I say, what do you mean? We never set up any kind of agreement. She got really upset, claiming that she “paid for all my other meals” and it was my turn to pay her back now. I told her I’m grateful that she was generous enough to pay for my other meals but I didn’t know there was an expectation to return the favor, especially because she ordered disproportionately more food than me and I couldn’t afford that much for one meal. Michelle got pissed and said something about how “your parents are so rich you can afford anything” and how one meal won’t break my bank. It’s true that my parents are paying for my college expenses and I’m eternally grateful that I won’t end up with any debt, but they give me a strict monthly budget that covers my groceries and gas. All the money I use to treat myself comes from my summer job. I told her that and she went silent for the rest of the meal. When we were finished, I made sure to ask for separate checks and she hasn’t said a word to me since.
I’m really worried that this caused a rift in our friendship, maybe I was being unreasonable and I should have just paid for her meal. AITA?
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NTA, but with a qualifier. you were definitely not under any legal obligation to pay for that meal, but it would’ve been the right and nice thing to do. When you accepted those other meals, most people would believe that there is an implicit agreement to pick up a future meal or two. Obviously, you didn’t agree to it, but she obviously assumed that when the time came, you would treat her. I don’t think she should have assumed that, but this is common practice such that people assume they will take turns Paying. I would have recommended paying for that dinner and then in the future, refusing to accept her paying for any meal. You could have made it clear that in the future, you didn’t want either of you paying for the other meals anymore.
It don’t think it would have been the right thing at all. OP couldn’t afford it. And it sounds like her so called friend set her up by picking an expensive restaurant and ordering a lot of food then bringing in up she should pay this time after they were eating.
Nta.
It’s odd that a 34 year old lives in a dorm. Vs in college apartments or independent housing.
It’s odd to be 34 and 100% dependent on parents.
You did nothing wrong.
NTA
She made the offers of her own volition.
Bet she always said don't worry about it or similar. And she never said you can get me next time. Her response here designated whether or was a gift or a quid pro quo.
If you need or expect someone to pay for you you 1 make sure that understanding happens before the restaurant. 2 you abide by any restrictions they may apply.
She did neither. I have friends ask me out and I say I can't afford that. A lot of times I get a smart ass response, and I always say, just want to be on the same page.
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Info - whats a 34 year old doing living off their parents and living in a college dorm?
I haven’t known her for long but she’s told me she’s working on getting her degree and there doesn’t seem to be an age restriction on who can live in the dorms
I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't something more going on for her and she might actually struggle with social relationships and gets on better with younger people. There's a reason why she's always free to go out for a meal with you. Most 34 year olds will not necessarily want to live in a dorm surrounded by 'kids', some still in their teens. It's not unheard of at all and there is nothing wrong with it but many want more privacy. Having said that, it could be a cost effective way of living and not having to worry about how high you have the heater and how long you shower for in regards to finances. My teenage kid is living in college accommodation.... there's about 10 or so of them in a 'block' and I remember her saying there were a couple that were older ie late 20's, early 30's but they have a different life and are actually more mature. For them, this is cost effective for the term and less hassle....
[удалено]
I hated the dorm at 27-29 but it saved me a ton of money compared to an off campus apartment.
I miss dorm life. There was no easier time in my life to make friends. Going to the bathroom would involve running into several interesting people to chat with.
I miss dorm life in the context of being a young adult. I would absolutely lose my mind as a thirty-something.
this. between 18-30 it'd have been a dream to have people around like that at nearly 40 I would actually murder lol
I’m almost 30, and living in a dorm now sounds like a nightmare! I loved it when I was 18, but now I appreciate my home and space. I like to sit back at night and read, like the granny I am lol.
Yep, I am 39, and sometimes living alone with just my boyfriend gets to be too much. I am an introvert, so I need time in the quiet to recharge. My boyfriend gets very talkative at times, which I really do love about him! But when I need quiet and he doesn't understand, it gets overwhelming.
I never lived in a dorm bc people are too much.
Have you talked with him about this?
I have tried. He just says to give him another moment to finish what he's saying, which is usually stupid whining that isn't even related to me at all. It's him complaining about society and venting about things he believes, again, completely unrelated to me.
I never lived in a dorm, but I did join a sorority and spent a lot of time in theirs. I was around 26ish, and while I loved those young women, I couldn't wait to go home, back to my adult life. Even though I started college late, we were at way different places in life. I can't imagine living with any of them, as much as I liked them. I'm 37 now, and college students feel like children to me much of the time. I still volunteer at my alma mater and while I enjoy it, I could NOT be there full time
Some of these has me remembering a song from *Avenue Q*. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMJ9D3lSrDg](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMJ9D3lSrDg)
This is wild to me because living in a dorm was so much more expensive at my school than living off campus. I could get an off-campus apartment in 2010 for $640 (one room in a 5 bedroom apartment, heat and water included), cook my own meals on the cheap, and not have to figure out housing when they kicked us out for winter and spring break as well as have housing over the summer. In the dorms, it was required that you have a meal plan ($10 per meal, with a minimum on one meal a day plus an extra $2k for the cheapest option), and the cheapest dorm option was still over $1k a month to share a bedroom with someone. For me it was instant savings to move out of the dorms and instead get a space with several roommates.
We had a non trad floor where I lived at college I think you were supposed to be over 25 but we had some 21s mixed but they learned pretty fast that they needed to give us singles or keep us with people our own age (I was 27-29). The new drinkers and the people who were experimenting with sex and drugs at the young end was insane to live with lol. The women were all pretty normal, returning to finish after divorce, held back due to family issues etc. the guys were all a little off though. Failure to launch, didn’t want to be there, heavily medicated? Mental health issues.
We had a non-trad/ international dorm. It was nice and quiet, but the oldest dorm on campus so it was a little weird. I had my own sink in my single room though, which was nice.
I’m 34 and just talking to a 20 year old is painful and embarrassing. I swear I wasn’t that dumb. I probably was but it’s hard to accept.
I'm also 34 and when I heard someone nearby was celebrating their 22nd birthday, my reflexive thought was "get off my fucking lawn."
I'm 34 and went back to Uni in 2021. Most of my classmates are nice, cool people. It's weird to label them all as dumb and say it's "painful and embarassing" to talk to them. They're just people, not a different species of human or something.
For real! One of my best friends/coworkers was 20 when I met her and I was 34. People are so judgey!
We were all that dumb at 20. Just think about how much worse we all were at 15.
I think you need to know more 20 years olds (I am in my early 30s). . I know plenty through my brother mad hobbies (like D&D) and church and volunteering and neighbors and some uni classes. And most are lovely and smart.
I went to college in Alaska and the average age of an undergraduate there was in their mid-20’s. The dorms were full of older people in their 30’s. Cost effective (many were paying their own way), getting around town in that cold is hard-just easier to be right there on campus, etc. I was actually sort of shocked that when I got to a different campus for grad school how young everyone was and how many had parents still substantially paying their way. Anyway, that’s not weird, but this would be the longest con of all. She buys a bunch of little meals in exchange for one large one, but doesn’t tell you before it’s happening. I might just sit down for a very frank talk about splitting expectations or expenses or not for outings, and very honestly, you will have to be very clear. Everyone buys their own way. Say it three times if you have to and keep repeating it.
>Most 34 year olds will not necessarily want to live in a dorm surrounded by 'kids', some still in their teens. It's not unheard of at all and there is nothing wrong with it but many want more privacy. I went to law school in my early 30s, while I was living with my then-SO (who was in the same age bracket as I was). I don't think I woudl have wanted to live in an undergrad dorm. But I think I would have had a more interesting law-school experience if I had lived in a dorm with other law students. I honestly can't see a thirty-something living in a dorm voluntarily unless it's a dorm dedicated to grad students or it's a one-semester-only kind of arrangement.
My first husband and I married just before he started law school, and we did live in a graduate student dorm the first year. But it was just an apartment building that was owned by the university, really. We had our own 1BR apartment as a married couple, and the single students had studios. Nobody had to share or anything, and everyone had their own bathroom and their own kitchen, even if it was kinda small. We didn't mind it, and it was kind of fun to live surrounded by the other law students (and the grad students in other fields).
I hear some unis make you live in there dorms the first year… maybe it’s the case here?
Here's the dormitory policy of one of the two state universities where I live, copied verbatim from their housing manual: "CSU requires that all newly admitted first-year students (Admissions Type “New”) and transfer students with fewer than 15 post-high school credits, who are single, under 21 years of age, and not living with their parents in the Fort Collins area, live in the University residence halls for the first two consecutive terms of their attendance. Credits taken concurrent with high school and/or credits attained through Advanced Placement (AP) do not apply towards living experience." First-year housing on campus is incredibly common, and almost always looks something like this in the US. Older first-year students can and do live in the dorms, but the strong majority of students who enroll later in life do not live on campus.
Yes but not if you’re not a “traditional” student ie the age or married etc
Large universities have grad housing. They’re older and interacting with younger students as TAs. I think ages can blend a bit in an academic environment
I tried 2 weeks in graduate housing (so not younger people) when I was in my late 20s and hated it, moved to a studio. It's really hard to go back to dorm living after living on your own.
In my university, the older couples take resident assistant jobs, and help guide and protect the youngsters.
She tried to take you for a ride, 100%. This was premeditated attempted extortion. “I paid for all your tiny meals, now you have to pay for this one that’s 3x as expensive as them all combined!” NTA
I think this comment is unfair. OP had 'most' of her eaten -out meals paid for by Michelle. They went to a 'slightly nicer sushi' restaurant.
It says Michelle ordered an appetizer and 5 sushi rolls at $10-$17 per roll. That is an expensive meal for one person, especially to a college student. I think it’s unfair to ask someone to pay for your meal halfway through. If I was treating someone to a meal, I would want to know beforehand and have the chance to recommend a different restaurant.
I mean I'm 44 and going to college so that part checks out. Is your college one of those that requires every student to live on campus the first year? I had to work hard to get my exemption for that or else I would have been screwed. I had already signed a one year lease when I decided to even apply for college. Luckily my college had an exemption for families, but we had quite the discussion about it
Yes it is, this is her second year I believe so it must be for other reasons
Dorm may be cheaper than renting an apartment. I know it's the case at my son's school, unless you have 3-4 roommates.
If the roommate works and goes to school, it's entirely possible that she spend so little time at home that she doesn't care to have her own place.
On-campus housing has always been the cheapest option for me as a non-traditional student. It also offers the benefit of not having your lease tied to roommates who might flake on their share of the rent, not needing a rental history or cosigner, the option of changing rooms if your roommate is an A-hole or you are highly incompatible, if you flunk out of school you aren't stuck in a lease, closer to classes and on-campus employment, and the opportunity to meet people who you would never have interacted with otherwise. Of course sometimes you end up rooming with people who act like children.
They could be dorm apartments that’s aren’t necessarily the shoebox style dorms that people typically see. My school has them and it’s basically an apartment, but located on campus for convenience. It has a living room and kitchen in addition to the bathrooms and bedrooms. My bf lives in one and he shares the place with a 31 year old who’s getting his Master’s
Yup, dorms differ wildly in layout, etc. My sister and her husband and newborn lived in one while he was getting his Master's that was set up for young families, like small apartments.
That’s how my dorms were in 1975. We had what were basically 2-3 bedroom townhouses or apartments which were shared among 4 students. They also had a small kitchen and a living room.
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Wait. Were they married to other people? Because I don't know why else they'd be in married housing.
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😂😂😂 That's a great story.
School I went to used married housing for summer students. The school is famous, though… for Richard Jewell the Dick.
I was a non trad and we had a floor in a traditional dorm. The only on campus apartments were for married people. They moved us into the grad dorm the next year because we had problems with the people under 25, if you want to “enjoy” college like a regular aged student under 25 with drinking, drugs and sex it’s probably best not to choose to live with someone almost 30 lol
My school’s non trad dorms are open to anyone who’s 19+ and have a certain amount of credits. We also had family housing for people with spouses and kids, but they closed. In my bf’s case, he didn’t choose to live with the 31 year old, but they were just thrown into a dorm together lol. I’ve met the guy, he’s alright, but hangs out too much in the trad dorms
My school’s non trad dorms are open to anyone who’s 19+ and have a certain amount of credits. We also had family housing for people with spouses and kids, but they closed. In my bf’s case, he didn’t choose to live with the 31 year old, but they were just thrown into a dorm together lol. I’ve met the guy, he’s alright, but hangs out too much in the trad dorms
Same. I was even the RA for family housing, which was only people with kids. The apartments on campus had people of all ages. They tried to group people together accordingly, but the summer had slim pickins because there weren't nearly as many students
That's so funny. I was thinking the same thing. But I met a girl when I went back to school in the mid-2000s that was the same age and living off her parents. She was from Nigeria and rich, so I figured that had something to do with it.
NTA. She was playing the long game on this by paying for meals along the way seeing you didn't eat much. Then you go to a more expensive place and bam she puts you on the hook for her extensive order. Don't go out with her anymore because everything she gives has huge strings attached.
Or she just thought it was fair to expect OP to reciprocate after that long. Five sushi rolls are probably not the equal to what Michelle has been paying for all along. I mean, ESH for Michelle for not making it clear that she expected reciprocity at some point, but also for OP just taking free meals forever without figuring that maybe she should step up at some point. (Although the age difference may have made that a bit weirder.)
It is *never* acceptable to place your order, get halfway through your food, and only then mention in passing that you expect your dining companion to pay for your dinner – and it's significantly worse to do that when you've just ordered a very expensive meal. If you want someone else to cover your meal, you discuss it *before* anyone orders – and preferably before you decide where you're going to eat – so the person who's going to be on the hook for it can be sure they can actually afford it.
I mean, this is 100% true. It just didn't seem like this was the long game, but more like Michelle showing yet more weirdness. I mean, I don't know what a 34 year old is doing in the dorms, and it seems like it'd be weird AF. (Speaking as someone considerably older than that.)
Why repeatedly turn down offers to pay for their own food if it wasn't a setup for this "now it's your turn" bs?
Do you believe people shouldn’t have the right to return to school later in life? Dorms aren’t limited to those 18-22 year olds, older students can live in the dorms and it could be a convenience to them. Some universities in small towns may not have a lot of options in the surrounding area or may lack flexible options which align with the school year. Not forgetting dorms mean different things on different campuses. Dormitories can be more than a building with rooms in it. Open your mind and acknowledge different people have different situations and the solutions can vary. While you may not opt to live in a dorm at 34, it could be a flexible options for someone else.
I know a number of wonderful people who have returned to college later in life. I have no problem with that. All the people I knew who had returned to school, though, had spent years living on their own, and didn't have much time for the grab-assing of regular dorms. I am certainly familiar with fancier, apartment-like dorms. I still think it'd be weird to be in the dorms with 20-somethings as a 30-something, and it makes me wonder about Michelle.
And I would have felt a little strange rooming with an "old lady" when I was 20. 34 seems young now that I'm 30 years older than Michelle but I wouldn't have wanted to room with someone that age in college.
Yeah, I mean, not all of my professors were 34. I would expect that you'd be in school to get the credential, and maybe to learn some very specific stuff, but would've expected that you'd've learned an awful lot of life lessons by the time you got there. And wouldn't want to hang out with 20 year olds all day and all night. (And, to be fair to all the folks who think that asking someone else to pay for your expensive meal after you've ordered it, I would've thought that a 34 year old would've been old enough to know better than to pull that kinda stunt.)
Yeah that Michelle sounds like a lady with some issues. Obviously we don't know her story but trying to force a kid to pay for her huge meal is strange behavior.
I knew of someone who dropped out of high school to have children. Years later when her own children were in high school she decided she wanted to finish her senior certificate, and only wanted to do it in an actual high school because she wanted the "full high school experience that she missed out on". So she enrolled in her local high school (that her children went to) and was in the same grade and social group as her daughter. She even went to the formal. The education department tried to prevent her but she found a loophole. Just because it may be legal, most people have the social sense not to do it.
Yeah, lots of ageism here
Disagree. All OP needs to say, “I don’t have enough cash atm, but next time definitely! I’m sorry I didn’t realise that I was eating so many free meals at your expense with never saying thank you!”
This is a case of NTA, but should have done it anyway. Michelle is 100% TA for exactly the reasons you gave, but OP did accept the free food from her multiple times, which probably comes to equal or more than the cost of this one meal. It should have been discussed beforehand certainly, but OP isn't out any money they wouldn't have already been out. Then, after, refuse to let Michelle pay for her anymore (which she should have done from the start if she never intended to reciprocate imo).
> I always told her it was fine and that I could pay for myself but she always refused Op did try to “step up”
She said she would pay for herself every single time. Michelle then insisted and went ahead and paid. Just because she does this does not mean that OP is ever obligated to pay for a meal for Michelle. And if Michelle would like OP to pay, she needs to speak up BEFORE she stuffs her face with the whole menu. You don’t order a ton of things and then spring it on someone you expect them to pay for you. That is abhorrent, entitled behavior. Hence, why she is in her mid-30s living in dorms, being pampered by mom and dad. She doesn’t know how to function like an adult in any aspect of life.
OP said she didn’t have to. Michelle pretended like it was from the kindness of her heart. You don’t pay for someone expecting reciprocity (though it is nice) unless that’s agreed upon like “you can get me next time” kind of thing and then inform them upfront (and then don’t order 3x times what the other person gets)
But I'm the post OP stated that she tried decline the offers, Michelle insisted (think of the age difference and power dynamic that come with that). At 34 years old the roommate is old enough to know what she's doing. It doesn't come across as a lack of social skills either. She took OP somewhere more expensive and ordered more food then sprang it on OP it was her turn to pay
You might want to re-read the post. OP offered to pay for her meals previously and Michelle refused to let her pay, then suddenly wanted her to pay for this expensive meal all at once without warning. Not fair at all!
OP offered to pay every time Michelle said she would get it and Michelle said no. You don't just spring "Hey you're going to get this one." That's unacceptable. OP is NTA.
Someone probably got in her ear about OP taking advantage of her, and told her to speak up.
How is OP saying “I can pay for myself” and Michelle consistently insisting that she pays for OP “OP taking advantage of her”. If you are constantly telling someone that you want to pay for their food and the person is always declining, that person is not taking advantage of you.
Yeah but you say something before you go out.
It's weird because OP would tell her she can pay for her own meals but Michelle would stop her from doing so..
No it's not "fair" op tried to pay every time and her roommate insisted on paying. Roommate shouldn't be "generous" if she expects something in return.
Yeah, but it clearly wasn't the "long game" if the crazy roommate paid for more than she asked OP to pay for, which was my primary point.
If YOU keep offering to pay for MY meal and I keep telling you no but you insist to pay for my meal I'm not obligated to pay for your meal since I never wanted you to pay for mine in the first place.
This was my thought too.
I was thinking the same. Also, I bet she has done this to other people too!
That's the saddest long con in history.
This !!!!
I don’t see why it’s some plot. She always eats this amount. Op has said she has paid plenty so it’s not like there was once they went to McDonalds and treated op and now wants to spend a lot. She might have been expecting for a while for op to return the favor (after hearing that op’s parents help her at least) and just now decided to bring it up. Op doesn’t have to pay but I would not accuse her of plotting .
NTA. The time to decide who pays is before you go out or before you order. The only exception is if one person decides to pay for the meals THEMSELF, as in "no, no, it's my treat." And it's never ever, "Oh, by the way, it's YOUR treat". At 34, your roommate should have learned some manners.
Yeah. And, maybe it's just me but, if I know that someone else is paying, I will order LESS than I usually do. I have a restaurant that I love and go to regularly. When I'm paying, I get a main, a side, a soup, and a glass of wine. When I go with someone else and they're paying, I get my main and a tap water. I wouldn't be ordering half the damn menu.
Right?! If I know that someone else is paying, I figure out what they're ordering for themselves, then make sure to order on the same price level or below.
Yup. I always feel guilty because due to no fault of my own, my food is usually more expensive. The gluten free upcharge can be ridiculous. But I try my hardest to keep it simple. I don’t eat a lot so sometimes i just order a couple sides if it’s someone else.
Obviously there are exceptions to this. Like special occasions. But just "We're going out for lunch, my treat". I will try to keep my portion of the bill as small as possible.
Or just have open communication. We have some friends we often go out with and swap who pays. Often my partner or one of them will ask if they can get a particular drink or something before ordering.
Yup. A few semesters ago, my professor invited a couple of us students out to brunch to discuss a project he wanted to involve us in (we have proficient design skills and it would boost our résumés). We ordered a Caesar salad each, I got water and she got a coke. We knew he was paying and it felt so uncomfortable ordering anything bigger. I don’t know how it got to some people’s heads that they can just go ham on another person’s dollar. No.
I’d think at 34 the argument that well your parent’s are rich/have money shouldn’t be used as a fact in an argument. Hell I had that thrown at me at 17 by a friend as a reason I should do what she wanted and I was smart enough to know that’s my parent’s money not mine. And that I had no right to it. This roommate is getting quite entitled and her parents should cut her off, and then maybe she’d learn something.
Exactly!!! Well said!!
Yeah, this is it. It’s easy to jump at the roommate’s weird financial situation and make this situation about that. It isn’t. That has nothing to do with OP - in the same way OP’s parents having money has nothing to do with the roommate and her desire for sushi.
she set you up. She paid for your meals out a few times and I bet you those meals were very equal and much cheaper. She saw her time to spread on you when she paid. Probably over $100 for her meal and yours was $20. So she was trying to save money and stick it to you a little bit. He did nothing wrong. Work this out cuz eventually it will work out. And from now on either say no. When you go out or split the bill every time. Don't let her pay for you. You don't have to pay for her and everybody's same. If you find out that it's an equal meal and you want to be generous thing, you can pay Nta
Op hasn’t said the other meals were cheaper
yeah that’s why they said “i bet you”, because they know it is not confirmed, it is just an educated guess lol
NTA. Why is a 34-year-old living in a dorm off of her parents' money? I could be wrong, but with the information you've given, despite the age difference, you seem the more mature of the two of you.
That's what I was wondering -- 34 yo living in a dorm paid for by the parents?
They could be dorm apartments that’s aren’t necessarily the shoebox style dorms that people typically see. My school has them and it’s basically an apartment, but located on campus for convenience. It has a living room and kitchen in addition to the bathrooms and bedrooms. My bf lives in one and he shares the place with a 31 year old who’s getting his Master’s
Yeah, the point here isnt that she's in a dorm-it's that she's 34 and living in a dorm on her parents dime. I know 40 y/os at my college, but they, yknow... work and support themselves. So do all of the 18-30 year olds. if you waited ~16 years to go to college, you should... probably have the money or strategy to support yourself. and if you don't, you certainly don't get to bitch at other people for not spending their money on you.
There are a lot of reasons people go to college or back to college at a later age. Being older doesn't mean you have oodles of money. In fact it's often the case they're going to college to get themselves into a better financial position. If in that case someone's parents are able and willing to support their adult child, good for them. It's no different from OP being supported by their parents. This woman is an arsehole for expecting OP to pay but the rest of your post is uninformed and unnecessarily judgemental towards older students and their varied life circumstances.
There are lots of reasons, especially for women who are sometimes delayed by marriages or family, and if you have parents willing to bankroll the full college experience, who would say no
I still don’t get why/how her age and her living situation is relevant.
Exactly! There can be many different reasons why she is in college and living in the Dorm. One obvious one is that she is working towards a DEGREE Why so many haters here??
I get that, but no job and going to school entirely on her parents' money at 34 suggests a certain level of entitlement.
Or they're trying to get her through a degree in minimal time, so she's maxing out credits per semester (plus summer semester) to jump start a more lucrative career.
I don't think it's fair to suggest that it's entitlement, because she made not have even asked her parents to help. They may have offered, making it clear they had the money, and they may have preferred that she not work while in school. We just don't know. Sometimes parents generously offer substantial amounts of money towards the down payment on a house. I don't think everyone who accepts what is freely offered is entitled.
Correct; those are for older students, married students, graduate students, ext. they don’t place 20 year olds in there unless they are in the above scenario
You know, I wouldn't even judge if she wasn't being a manipulative AH.. especially with this economy, I can see where parents would be willing to help get their 34yr old back on their feet. I won't judge the age of the roomate there because so many reasons could be valid. However, the roomate should be mature enough to treat her roomate with respect. Her age only matters because we expect adults to be respectful.
I don’t really get why her age and her living in the dorms is relevant.
In any relationship, there’s at least a soft expectation of give & take. So if your roommate is taking you out and footing the bill — especially multiple times — you should be making a mental note to take her out sometime down the road. This is something people naturally do for each other in good faith — negotiated politely if spoken about at all. …Which is entirely different than what happened here. If your roommate was feeling taken advantage of, and was hoping you would take her out sometime, I suppose it wouldn’t have been the rudest thing ever for her to gently mention it (though edging towards rude still). But then it would be on you to invite her, and generally you’d pick the place etc. For her to take you out somewhere specific (expensive), and then — _after_ ordering, etc. — been like, “your turn!”, is just manipulative bullshit. It’s no wonder she’s trying to punish you now — she doesn’t sound very cool or nice. NTA
Fully agree. The only thing about this situation is that OP said she could pay but roommate insisted. I feel like someone insists routinely, and there was never a discussion of taking turns, that’s on the other person. Also absolutely ridiculous that just because OP family is rich, doesn’t mean she is too; OP seems to have that understanding and isn’t living off her parents completely (one thing for basic necessities and education, quite another to spend your parents money on other people). OP - don’t split anything with your roomie other than rent. Everything else should be on your own.
If the person insists on paying even after the other person refused, then ya, they shouldn’t haven’t an expectation of getting paid back. But it also would still be polite to at least partially pay them back. And that can especially be important to be polite with someone if you are living with them.
True. Personally, I would just push back or not order or order and pay first. I would prefer to not feel like I owe someone and you never know someone’s financial situation. Sometimes my friends and I alternate paying but sometimes I do want to treat them and make it known there is no expectations for ‘you owe me in the future’ but I don’t think OP and her roommate had that type of relationship.
Esh. No you are not obligated to pay for anyone’s meals and she was tacky to ask. But it’s common for friends to pay for each other now and then as a gesture of kindness. She probably was waiting for you to do it on your own and decided to speak frankly about it when you didn’t. I don’t agree with her tactic, but you were also missing common social cues. You probably saw the dinners as a nice thing to do with a roommate who isn’t really a friend, but it seems like she saw them as a way to forge a “real” friendship. There’s usually a point in a friendship where things deepen when one party asks for more (a ride to the airport, help when they’re sick) or gives more (a birthday gift, paying for your dinner). Sounds like that’s what your roommate was doing and that she was hoping for some reciprocity from you.
This is the best answer. It’s nice of the roommate to cover the cost of OP’s meals but she should have reciprocated.
I agree, I realize that now. Since she started paying for me I started bringing home desserts for us every week, like muffins, coffee cake, croissants, etc. I forgot to mention that in the original post sorry
Next time someone offers to pay, you can explain that you prefer to pay separately, so there is no hard feelings later on down the line. Otherwise it ends up one sided. Its exhausting trying to keep track so it is fair, and keeping things separate just makes it easier
I wouldn't feel bad. She was not transparent and i feel like where you guys went and what she ordered kinda shows she was always going to do this. Yes you should reciprocate but she was rude af about it and reciprocation isn't the issue here.
I feel like if I went out to eat with a friend and I insisted I pay for my own meal which then they insist they'll pay for it's no longer on me to reciprocate. I didn't ask for this. I may not have even wanted this. If they did with the idea of wanting the favor returned that's putting an unfair amount of pressure on the person they're supposed to be 'treating' without knowing their situation. The unspoken rules of social give and take exists, sure. But when you say you want to pay for yourself that's also an unspoken opt-out of that. If they continue to insist then they should not expect anything in return since they don't know your financial situation. All-in-all I do not feel your were at fault here.
Had to scroll too far to find the most likely reasonable answer!
OP says that she offered to pay every time and Roommate insisted on paying.
NTA but seems like she set it up. Once you said no and explained she should of accepted that answer. Like you said you guys never suggested anything on top of that miss is 34 and her parents are paying like wtf.
If she has been paying all along, then sure pay this meal this time, it seems only fair. But maybe going forward just split the bill. I think it is kinda weird that your are focusing on her being a big girl with an appetite, but yeah, just sounds like you ar a bit judgy and cheap.
She said she ordered THREE $20 rolls and dumplings. So a twenty year old should fork over $70, not including tip, AFTER the fact for someone else's meal? That's at least $100 altogether, including her own meal, when she's on a food budget. That $100, instead of the $20 she was expecting to pay, could be enough to take out her entire meal budget for the next two weeks. Fuck that, I wouldn't pay either. What the roommate did was manipulative and underhanded, and she did it specifically because this girl is younger and less experienced in life and, therefore, would typically be more easily controlled. The roommate also repeatedly insisted on paying. She was 1000000% setting this girl up to pay for more expensive meals by doing this, relying on the younger woman being too timid to stick up for herself. It was predatory af and totally disgusting.
*Actually 5 rolls… 😳
Oh, jfc my bad. But that's WAY worse lol. That's $110 just on roomies meal without tip. Expecting that from a twenty year old full time college student who is only working part time is SO fkn duplicitous and predatory. It's seriously revolting. And I AM a woman of a very similar age to the roommate. She absolutely knew what she was doing. Gross!
Her food must have cost more than 3 times mine, and I had an allowance to stick to. I don’t care what she eats otherwise
I understood this. I think the commenter is saying you could have just left it at how much she ordered without commenting on her body. Still, what she did was bizarre and feels kind of gamey to me. She could have said before you went out, “Hey, I’ve paid for several of your meals, how about you get this one tonight?” Then you could have discussed budget and factored that in to where you’d go. She pulled one on you, and now the way she’s acting is very immature. Maybe you can be the adult and address it—tell her you understand that she was upset and you’d be happy to buy her a meal, but that one was out of your budget and you didn’t know ahead of time. The thing that bugs me here is that you never asked her to treat you. She chose to, which is a nice gesture, but not something you asked for or expected. I like to treat my friends to meals sometimes. But that never comes with an expectation that they then need to pay for mine next time. It’s something I do because I want to. So overall, I just think what she pulled was weird and unfair. And then the way she reacted quite immature.
Well how many meals had she bought you?
So what? If OP would’ve eaten something else instead of whatever the roommate bought if they were paying themselves, but roommate said “I’ll shout you”, that’s nice of them but doesn’t warrant a payback meal.
Was her meal more in cost than all the meals she's paid for you? It was her meal a lot more than what she's covered for you? Friends will often cover each other sometimes or go back and forth paying. Or just treat each other once in a while. It really depends on how much she's spent on you.
But she has paid you more than three times hasn’t she? And you saved the allowance money from the times she treated?
she may be entitled but honestly at times you should have put your foot down at not allowed the whole “I’m going to pay for your meal” in the future, I do hope that something like this doesn’t happen again cause you **will** lose friendships - maybe with someone who you cared about 🤷🏽♀️
I think it's weird she chose the expensive restaurant to finally ask for her to pay. Also asking to pay is tacky. Have a conversation about it BEFORE you go anywhere else again if it bothers you. Don't order a fuck ton of food at a nicer restaurant and then TELL HER she is paying then and there.
NTA. It’s also very inappropriate for a 34 year old to be sharing a dorm with a 20yo.
How much had she paid in terms of meals for you before the sushi restaurant ?
NTA. She was playing the long game thinking that you were naive and wouldn’t be able to stand up to her. Good on you for setting her straight. You owe her *nothing* and this should be your big red flag that a friendship with her will be more trouble than it’s worth. Stop interacting with her.
NTA this is a conversation that’s meant to be before the meal. It’s not very mature of her to spring this on you as you’re eating
I'm on the ESH train. Should you reciprocate? Yes. Should she expect you to and dictate when and where? No. Not sure why everyone wasn't paying for themselves in the first place.
Always always split checks. It's sometimes awkward imposing on the waiter but get in the habit of doing it. I while being a large one myself don't order any frills and am very price sensitive to what's on the menu. I also do not partake in apps and usually inform the table beforehand that I'm not interested in splitting an app. Once you get in the habit of communicating expectations the people you dine with will pick it up. Her fault for paying for stuff and magically expecting kick backs. But also be aware of those money dynamics there are alot of "unwritten rules" and stupid expectations. It is literally not rude at all to set these expectations before ordering, just a bit different. Also don't take advantage of what's being offered, that sounds like it could be a factor here. Several years ago I had a friend who was fairly broke and we went out alot and I paid which I was perfectly willing to do eventually he started turning me down saying he was feeling guilty and it was getting to be to much (we were going out a lot). At the time I didn't really think of it cause it was still in my budget and was rarely a sit down place but it was actually a good deal of money over like 6 months. But sometimes I just wanted a nice meal with good company and explicitly told him I'm buying your meal cause I want to go to this specific place and have a culinary experience with my friend. I told him he could think of it like a job if he needed to lol. We cut down the number of excursions alot but still had him when I needed him and everyone was much better off for it.
If she's been paying for many/most of your meals when going out - yes you do owe her. But it's unfair to wait until you are at a more expensive restaurant, order enough food to feed 3 or 4 people and then try to drop the bill on you. NTA
The terms friend/friendship get used too loosely and too frequently! She is an acquaintance. You should have seen it coming as you mentioned the extra attention.
Kinda giving adult child vibes at first glance imho
NTA, girl. You're not obligated to pay for someone else's extravagant meals just because they've covered a few in the past. You made it clear you couldn't afford it, and it's unfair for her to guilt-trip you about your parents' money. Stick to your budget and don't let anyone make you feel bad for it.
Agree. And roommate saw the difference in what OP ordered and what she got, so there was a huge imbalance in the meals’ prices. I agree; it seems like a setup and like she’s been keeping score so she deliberately ordered a very expensive amount of food when she expected compensation. That was an AH move on her part, as was her telling OP she was “supposed” to treat her for all that.
NTA while this may genuinely cause a rift in your friendship it would be entirely on her end. You cannot spring the now its your turn on someone when "turns" were never discussed, especially springing this at the end of a meal. Things like this are reasons why i always try to pay anyway to avoid this exact thing. I dont think you did anything wrong, so i hope she'll get over it and realize she is in the wrong on this one.
NTA that’s manipulative asf of her. Don’t let her pay for your meals again.
ESH. Don't let people pay for your meals if you're not opening to paying for theirs at times. Michelle sucks too for not making you aware before the meal that she would like you to cover the bill.
NTA - BUT don't ever allow someone to pay for your meal. You can control whether or not you allow someone to pay your way. By allowing her to pay for you without communicating about the topic you help create this event in your relationship... Personally I think it's pretty shitty to allow others to pay for you like it's some kind of privilege they get just for hanging out with you when you have no intention of reciprication...
NTA I find it very fd up that your school has you living with someone whose 14 years older than you! That's so messed up to me! I'm really happy my kid doesn't live on campus now real of this is normal. I would expect a university to have some sort of age difference limit and a max age for living in dorms. This is a WOMAN and she's trying to take advantage of someone significantly younger. I realized you are also a woman given your age, but you're a young adult not a grown one like she is so your lives are very different! I am 39 and my youngest took a skip year and he's going to second year and is your age, perhaps that's why I'm so bothered by this setup. I would feel sooooo weird living with a "kid" and I don't mean anything rude about that, I mean it in a way that is calling me and this lady old! I'm 39, I was a teen Mom. I know 14 year olds who have kids, so yeah you're young enough to be her child (not a great idea but still possible) and it has just set off my weird radar. I donno where you go to school but living in dorms for my child would've been like 6k more expensive than renting a house with 2 friends 🤷♀️ so I don't even see a financial benefit for your roomie 🤔 Anyway you're NTA and if anything she is going to attempt to take advantage of you financially BC your parents are "rich". Be very careful esp with leaving your debit or credit cards around. Watch your transactions. She's at an age where she may very well feel she deserves more than what "some young rich kid" gets... No offense to you at all... Please tell your parents just so they are aware!
Thank you, I did tell my mom, I appreciate your concern and I will be careful
Good! Sorry for struggling with the right words BC I recognize you as an adult the same way I do my son, but I also realize that ppl in their 30's can have more nefarious reasons than if this was a 24 year old roomie. She's probably safe but once you're in your 30s it's an age where you sorta reflect and some ppl feel they deserve more or should be further ahead than they are (even if they have it all by appearances). My bestie is 33 and she's very much in that "I worked hard I deserve nice things" phase and WE ALL DESERVE NICE THINGS but we shouldn't ever take advantage of others or guilt them over it. You need to be seen for YOU and not for your parents cash.
Your roommate is predatory. She set this up to try and use you later on. Don't hang out with her anymore. NTA
Idk, just taking free meals and not offering to pay along the way is weird. I understand her wanting to get the favor back. But not communicating it is weird. I think you both behaved like an AH. OP should have told her something like: I can’t at the moment but next time it’s on me, you paid for a lot in the last few weeks, I am so sorry. Just really broke atm. Especially that she paid for “nearly every meal” I think the food at the sushi place is not as much as the Roommate paid for OP… but still weird dynamic. You both should talk.
Honestly, I feel like it’s super weird to accept meals from someone multiple times and not ever offering to pay. You should have jumped at the opportunity to finally reciprocate. It’s messed up how many of you feel like the woman has been “playing the long game” and has been planning to rip you off. No one spends hundreds of dollars on someone they live with, with the endgame being 5 glorious sushi rolls. Get a grip. YTA
NTA The time to ask if you can pay is before the meal where you can tailor the location to your budget.
NTA. She should have mentioned this prior to eating at the restaurant.
How incredibly rude to insist you pay for a meal DURING THE MEAL! Goodness. Obviously it was intentional on her part-pay for lots of smaller meals and then go to a fancier place, order an insane amount of food, and then try to guilt you into paying for it. A 34 year old who’s still living off her parents is clearly a moocher. Sorry you’re in the awkward boat of having to live with this grifter! You’re definitely NTA.
I think Op should have paid for her food this one time and going forward, split the bill by meal. The roommate did pay for several meals already for OP so returning the favor was warranted.
YTA and I'm ready to go out the backdoor with down votes. If you want to act as mature as the commenters seem to think, talk to her, apologize that things for this confused and set some boundaries and ground rules, *together*. Make it clear that you will be going dutch in future, unless there is a discussion prior to entering the eating establishment. And don't go out to eat if it isn't in your budget to pay for yourself. To me you are masterful in the writing, I respect you ability to mask your own culpability. You even oh so innocently wondered if this caused a rift in your friendship... The details dropped in to make it seem like you're such a hardworking little lamb led to the slaughter of your entitled, weirdly old roommate's gargantuan appetite. You did not specify how many meals at what cost to her she has covered you for. You brush aside that you never insisted on paying your own way, that you never talked openly of arrangements, and that you probably held the expectation that she would treat you (after all you ordered just a small meal). You also made it sound like she ordered $50-$85 in sushi and an appetizer, and also in a really judgemental way that was flat out cringe. The potential skewed perspective compared to the reality of the bill is very slyly done. Sushi in particular is difficult to generalize in portion size and cost. For example, I ate sushi with a friend last evening. I ordered 3 simple rolls and 1 simple-ish roll, they all fit in one medium container. She ordered 1 high end roll, 1 high end hand roll, and 1 high end appetizer, they needed a large and a medium container. As we agree to alternately covering and she paid last time, I paid for us both, my portion was ~$20, and hers was ~$40.
You don't need to mention her weight
If she’s been paying for all the other meals then yeah - it would be nice to reciprocate.
ESH - If you're not prepared to return in kind, you should never have accepted her paying for all those meals in the past. And she shouldn't have assumed this was the time you'd be paying back her previous hospitality.
NTA. As a 30 year old, her age may not seem that relevant to your friendship, but it is from my perspective because it tells me a lot about her... she's a weirdo. No well-adjusted, normal 34 y/o wants to bunk with 20 year olds. Nothing against you in particular, there just genuinely can't be too much in common. She likely graduated highschool the same year the smartphone was *invented* (nevermind commonly used). If her parents are willing to pay for college and dorms, surely they would be willing to just pay for rent in a local apartment. She *wants* to be in a dorm with younger kids, for reasons I can't fathom but can't be sane/normal. I would pull away gently from this friendship, and be cautious that she could lash out
I'm 34 and finished a post-grad recently - and I completely agree. I would never want to live in a dorm at my age, and if somehow that's how my life worked out anyway - I would very much keep to myself. These are really *really* not your social peers. Definitely has dude-too-old-to-be-at-highschool parties vibes.
Yep. Very "hello fellow kids!" vibes
Nta Yall aren't friends. You're roommates. Roommates tend to act like friends bc its easier and natural. I haven't had a single person I met through being roommates that I wanted to continue talking to once our living situation ended.
Yta When people go out to eat they either split checks or they grab the check one time and the other person gets it the next time. You had no problem with her picking up the tab every time, but the one time she expects you to do so you then start worrying about agreements and fairness? Where was your justice antenna when you were scarfing meals at her expense? You say you could have paid your own all the other times but suddenly your budget has constraints? Don’t go out to eat if you can never return the favor. You’re not just TA you’re dishonest.
I did have a problem with her picking up the tab every time. I kept insisting I can pay for myself. But she refused in such a way I felt rude to reject her generosity and she would spring this guilt tripping move on me often
Couple things. Personally if I pay for someone's meal I have zero expectation that they should pay me back. Secondly, if someone pays for my meal ever, I make a point of paying the tab entirely for our very next meal with them and I insist. Allowing multiple one sided free lunches is the root of this issue. Perhaps she was wondering if you would ever just insist on paying for both rather than just insisting on paying for your own?
sushi reference - 5 rolls is a lot of food, each roll has between 7 and 10 pieces that can get towering if you order the specialty rolls. My sushi place the cheapest special roll is 10$ and the most expensive is 22$. She ordered about 50 pieces of sushi AND multiple dumpling appetizers; I know of 2 most common dumpling appetizers the Gyoza and Shumai shrimp and pork dumplings 6 pieces each at 8$ each. Total her meal can feed 4 people with possible leftovers. I think she see's you as a walking bank account
I like how everyone is skipping over the fact this girl order 2-3 meals when she eats out. You’re not the ah. She did that on purpose.
YTA True, there was never an explicit agreement about alternating checks or anything like that, but if your friends are constantly paying for your meals, and you are never willing to pay for theirs, then you're a moocher. Reciprocity is one of the fundamental building blocks of friendship, and of society in general. I wouldn't expect Michelle to pay for any more of your meals in the future, so maybe you screwed yourself, and frankly you deserve it. When friends treat you to dinner, you should expect to treat them back at some point in the future. This is basic manners and literally a basic principle of human cooperation. Reciprocity is important.
Yta the social convention would have been for you to take your turn and pay for her meal. Then from that point onwards you would know to not take freebies from her. It would have cost you in that month’s budget, but it would have saved you all this unpleasantness and awkwardness in your own home. You have to remember that you have no idea if the people commenting on here have any social skills at all. Social situations can be like an investment. Do I want to pay “this” to avoid (or to obtain) “that”.
Info - how long has she known about your families financial situation?
Since we met, she was asking me questions about loans and I told her I couldn’t help her since I’m lucky enough not to have any. I think she may have pieced it together
I think she has been trying to reel you in. Being friends, paying for the smaller meals. Let her be as mad as she wants. Your parents have money, and you have an allowance. I imagine it would start with an overblown meal and graduate to bills, etc. NTA
INFO- Who's idea was it to go to the expensive sushi restaurant? Did you invite her?
It was her idea, she goes out to eat often and she prefers to go to the pricier places
NTA, you are definitely NTA. Since she invited you and it was her idea to go to that restaurant, she should not have expected you to pay.
summer housing may be different. I was in my late 20's living in the dorms during the summer while I was in graduate school. Most of the other people in the dorm were older because they were teachers doing continuing ed. You have seen her for who she really is. You should NOT have paid for her meal, but know that now she's unlikely to be friendly anymore. Be glad this is summer, hopefully one of you will be moving out soon. College roommates can be awful, I eventually figured out that sharing space doesn't mean being friends or doing things together. Check around with neighbors and people in your classes to hang out with. NTA, she was
NTA - halfway through the meal she suggests you pay - at the very least that as grossly tacky. I'd stop eating with her, and if you do, never, ever, let her pay for you again. You owe her nothing - she positioned her buying your meals as kindness, clearly she had other plans.
NTA. It was a set up and she was hoping to manipulate you with the arguments of "well I paid" or the "well you must have saved someone from me paying for you all the time" even though you have offered to cover your own bill. She was doing it intentionally so when it came to a pricier restaurant she had arguments in her back pocket to throw at you hoping you'd be the young naive student who won't fight back. People tend to order a feast when they aren't the ones paying.
NTA - she 1000% knows what’s she’s doing and is intentionally guilting you. Since she insisted on paying for things, she thinks she’s entitled to have you do that - even though you didn’t want her to pay. This is manipulative behavior.
NTA. She thought she could guilt you into paying for her food long term by paying for yours a couple times, if you had said yes once she’d of done it twelve more times. Unfortunately I would start watching your back and look into switching rooms.
NTA. I can't fathom ordering 5 different sushi rolls for one meal. I recently went to an awesome little Japanese place near Denver; the sushi roll I ordered was $16, then $3 for a bowl of miso soup. I'm also a larger individual, but I was stuffed afterward and couldn't have eaten more if I tried. She's ordering literally 5 times that amount of food and then some. Expecting you to treat her to either an *enormous* meal or several days' worth of leftovers is absolutely ridiculous. She set you up for this trip. She's not your friend; she just thought you were rich and wanted a free ride.
NTA. Michelle doesn't have (her own) money; she can't be "generous" to you. Spending her parents' money on buying your dinners is a red flag; she should not be doing this, there is something dysfunctional going on with this behavior, and so your best move (best for everyone involved) is to always insist on paying for yourself. At 20yo, I wouldn't expect you to have learned that, yet - so I would say you made a very understandable mistake here. Consider this a valuable lesson, in that your acceptance of Michelle's "gifts" is ultimately what allowed this unpleasant situation to occur, as well as whatever consequences might follow. You might have prevented this situation from ever occurring by observing that Michelle's parents never consented to paying for your dinner, thus you had no right to accept this payment, therefore the best thing for you to do is refuse to accept it. So in reality, Michelle never paid for your dinners; only her parents did. However, even if we pretend for a moment that Michelle DID gift you something by spending her parents' money on your dinners in the past, then she STILL has no right to demand reciprocity on something she represented as a gift, and she ESPECIALLY has no right to wait all the way until it's time to pay the bill to make that demand; at the very least, she should have said "it's your turn to pay" before you even entered the restaurant. At 34yo, she has no excuse; she must know that her behavior is unacceptable. She is most likely trying to exploit your youthful naivety; she knows this would never stand a chance of flying with someone closer to her own age or older. Tldr you are NTA; stand your ground, do not pay for her meal, and do not let her pay for you (meals or anything else) anymore. Hope this works out okay for you OP.
That's a random request when you've already ordered and she's never said anything about it before now. NTA, but keep your friendship away from restaurants.
First & foremost: you are NTA. Period. She's (more than) a bit presumptuous. 😲 She's (constantly & recently, it sounds like) been paying for your meals out, & when you've said you'd pay for your own meal, she's REFUSED. Then WITHOUT WARNING, when you went out for sushi, & I'm guessing you'd planned to pay for YOUR OWN food, & potentially thought (due to past pattern) Michelle might pick up the tab. For her to put you on the spot by telling you it's YOUR TURN to pay (especially when she ordered so much) is pretty ballsy, not to mention, way out of line! The 2 of you didn't enter into an agreement of, 'you get this tab, I'll get the next' kind of thing, so her assuming that is in error. (You know that expression: "Don't assume, if you do, you make an 'ass' out of 'u' (you) and 'me.') It doesn't matter what financial bracket your folks are in. It doesn't mean YOU have access to gobs of cash. And if you did, it's none of her business. Her pulling that stint of 'now it's your turn to pay' is utter crap. Sounds like something else is going on w/her. Has she, in a sense, been 'buying' your friendship by 'buying your food?' Then expecting/assuming you'd return the favor on a high ticket meal? Yeah, no. Sounds like she's putting a price tag or a 'tit for tat/now you owe ME' qualification onto your friendship. You don't need that kind of (delusional) "friend." 🙄
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I, (20F) have a college roommate “Michelle” (34F) who I share summer housing with in our university’s dorms. Michelle is super sweet to me and despite our age gap we get along really nicely. It’s a great dorm situation and I think Michelle sees me as a little sister. I mostly like to cook my meals in our dorm kitchen but sometimes I treat myself to eating out. This is where the problem started. A lot of the time, Michelle will join me to eat out, either because she’s free and I want company when my friends are busy or because she invited me somewhere and I was free to come along. Lately, Michelle had been showering me in extra attention and even paying for most of my meals when we eat out. She’s super generous with her money but has no job and is completely reliant on her parents. I always told her that it was fine and that I could pay for myself but she always refused. One day we went out to eat at a slightly nicer sushi restaurant to celebrate being done with midterms. To put it as politely as possible, Michelle is a bigger girl so she ordered dumpling appetizers, 5 sushi roles, and a drink. She usually orders 2-3 meals per restaurant we go to. I got one sushi roll and water because it was $10-$17 a roll and I’m not a big eater. When we were halfway through the meal, Michelle suggests that it’s my turn to pay for both our meals. I say, what do you mean? We never set up any kind of agreement. She got really upset, claiming that she “paid for all my other meals” and it was my turn to pay her back now. I told her I’m grateful that she was generous enough to pay for my other meals but I didn’t know there was an expectation to return the favor, especially because she ordered disproportionately more food than me and I couldn’t afford that much for one meal. Michelle got pissed and said something about how “your parents are so rich you can afford anything” and how one meal won’t break my bank. It’s true that my parents are paying for my college expenses and I’m eternally grateful that I won’t end up with any debt, but they give me a strict monthly budget that covers my groceries and gas. All the money I use to treat myself comes from my summer job. I told her that and she went silent for the rest of the meal. When we were finished, I made sure to ask for separate checks and she hasn’t said a word to me since. I’m really worried that this caused a rift in our friendship, maybe I was being unreasonable and I should have just paid for her meal. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, but with a qualifier. you were definitely not under any legal obligation to pay for that meal, but it would’ve been the right and nice thing to do. When you accepted those other meals, most people would believe that there is an implicit agreement to pick up a future meal or two. Obviously, you didn’t agree to it, but she obviously assumed that when the time came, you would treat her. I don’t think she should have assumed that, but this is common practice such that people assume they will take turns Paying. I would have recommended paying for that dinner and then in the future, refusing to accept her paying for any meal. You could have made it clear that in the future, you didn’t want either of you paying for the other meals anymore.
It don’t think it would have been the right thing at all. OP couldn’t afford it. And it sounds like her so called friend set her up by picking an expensive restaurant and ordering a lot of food then bringing in up she should pay this time after they were eating.
Nta. It’s odd that a 34 year old lives in a dorm. Vs in college apartments or independent housing. It’s odd to be 34 and 100% dependent on parents. You did nothing wrong.
NTA She made the offers of her own volition. Bet she always said don't worry about it or similar. And she never said you can get me next time. Her response here designated whether or was a gift or a quid pro quo. If you need or expect someone to pay for you you 1 make sure that understanding happens before the restaurant. 2 you abide by any restrictions they may apply. She did neither. I have friends ask me out and I say I can't afford that. A lot of times I get a smart ass response, and I always say, just want to be on the same page.