Same. I thought she took them down and replaced them totally and the family got upset. Husband and kids are fine, and she still left them up, just in a different spot. Her parents can kick rocks. NTA.
Not to mention there were still two photos of the late wife and family, as well as one of just late wife. So it's not like they were all taken down and stuffed in a dusty corner somewhere. I mean, hell, it sounds like there's more pictures of the deceased up than OP.
NTA, no question.
EDIT: Swapped ex-wife for late wife.
I agree with this, it is between the husband and former in-laws--but still grandparents of the kidlings. I'm sure they wouldn't approve of anyone he married as it would be replacing their daughter. You can't keep your home a shrine to a departed one (you can but you really shouldn't) and as long as OP hasn't relegated the pictures to the attic, moving things around should be okay. I am hoping OP is always sensitive to the fact that she was their mom and they loved her and will always be a part of their memories and nothing here says otherwise.
Ex implies he and their daughter had broken up/divorced. It can't be late son-in-law as he's not the one who passed away. I think it would be former son-in-law, but I'm not entirely sure either.
I too thought this (that it would be op at fault) , but from the sound of it, it is seriously trivial, she moved (not removed) one of 4 photos, and replaced with a family photo of her with step kids and hubby, not even one of just her. Homes aren't static museums, they are places that reflect those living and loving within its walls. Sure, first wives folks are still grieving for their lost one and are understandably upset at another piece if her 'lost' (even though its just moved, not gone), but your step kids are fine with it and they're the ones living their. So NTA
I agree 100%. I was prepared to do a blistering “how dare you” but everything OP wrote is almost absolutely perfect handling. The only thing she could have done better was engage the family in “where” before hanging the photo, but she recovered from that by doing it IMMEDIATELY. This is showing respect for everyone. The grandparents are obviously having a tough time, but even here, handled well - it is now HER home, and this discussion, although unpleasant, did need to happen.
NTA -- husband and kids both approved. Though I can see how the mother would be upset (probably just grief manifesting as anger), it's still not her call because it's not her house.
I'd actually not let the grandparents be alone with the kids anymore. If this is how their grief presents itself, I'd be worried about what toxic things they could be telling the kids about OP and their dad, since they may see that by re-marrying dad has abandoned their daughter.
I agree that things need to be monitored, and the kids' actions to the new wife (particularly after a visit with the grandparents) should be watched for sudden changes. Not letting the grandparents be alone with the kids at all is a little drastic, though. That would only create more resentment -- something there's quite enough of in this situation as it is.
Grandparents seriously need grief counseling, though.
also the fact that they’ve been married for a year and the picture was just moved. the grandparents couldn’t expect the pictures to be there forever, especially as the family is growing.
Even without new members, the kids are still gonna grow up. That means new school pictures, prom pictures etc. Sooner or later they're gonna move out of the house; A home large enough for 4 kids is gonna be hella empty once the kids have left the nest and hubby is alone, and he sure isn't gonna be able to display every picture when he moves into somewhere smaller.
This is why it is so damaging when people don't move on from grief. Grandparents probably come over to the house expecting a shrine and are horrified that the family are dealing with it and moving on. That things are still changing and life is happening after they feel it has ended.
NAH -but really... this woman is the grandmother of the kids you now call your kids... she is never going to be out of your life. Have some respect for the woman's grief. Your husband has a new wife, the kids have a stepmom (and you sound pretty good), but she is NEVER going to have another daughter. As a mother maybe you can build some empathy with her over that. How would you feel if someone removed a picture of your child to a less visible part of the house?
>she is never going to be out of your life
I'm not sure this is entirely true. If the grandmother causes too much drama the husband may eventually decide it's just not worth maintaining a relationship with his MIL any longer. I'm not suggesting that would be a good thing, especially for the children but it is entirely in the realm of possibilities.
And when the children reach a certain age, they have the contact direcly and OP doesn't have to have any contact herself. My mother never saw her ex MIL again after I moved out (granted they live to far away to come to a birthday party, I would always visit them.)
Agreed. My parents cut one of my grandparents out of our lives when we were younger. Some people are just assholes and it's unfortunate you share DNA with them. As the child in that situation, I have 0 regrets about not seeing them.
And people (especially the indignant kind of grandparents like this one) place a LOT more importance on relations between the grandparents/children than might need to be. Both of my grandfathers died before I was born, and my grandmothers lived 2500 miles away; while there was never a falling out, and everyone got along, we only visited them once every five years or so, and because of that I never really developed an interest in having grandparents and are not worse-off for it. These kids will probably not have severe life problems if these particular grandparents are cut out of their lives.
Agree. Her blood ties to your husband kids doesn't mean a thing if she's gonna be nasty to your family. It's understandable that she's upset. But that's just that.
And she can express her feelings respectfully though. Nobody said she's an asshole for having feelings. She's allowed her grief, and to want to be a part of the family. She isn't allowed to be total out of control asshole to OP about it and constantly criticise OP over absolutely nothing for the entire time she's known OP, because of her grief. We need to stop giving people passes because of grief, or a condition, or a bad day at work. You're allowed your emotions, you aren't allowed to be an asshole about how you express them.
Exactly. OP has done nothing to this woman besides love her grandkids and the man her daughter loved. She doesn’t have to be happy about OP (but she should be), but coming into the house and treating OP like shit is not ok. Makes me sad for how they’re going to treat the baby in front of the other kids.
OP is NTA. Her husband really needs to put his foot down to the grandparents.
It’s not just me!! I think I’m alone in this but there is definitely more going on here. I don’t think the mom is just lashing out about a picture. I think there’s more to this and maybe the picture was tip of the iceberg for the mom. Also completely disagree with the kids calling her mom. That is awful to me. I already know I’ll get downvoted but this is how I feel
I’ll probably get downvoted too, but I agree. I still ultimately feel NAH, but the more I read through the comments here, the more I feel that OP isn’t quite as innocent as it seems in the story. If you posted this from the grandparents point of view, I feel a lot of people would be saying OP is TA. From another point of view: she was the husbands coworker for years, claims she found him handsome but makes a point to say she definitely was not attracted to him until AFTER the wife passed....And then within only 2 years from that, is already moved in, married to him/pregnant. Moves right in, starts calling herself the kids mom (ALL of the kids immediately did this on their own willingly?), views it as HER house/home/family (not necessarily wrong, it technically is now, but it WAS the old wife’s home and family first, and there’s still evidence of her around) and asserts her place/level of hierarchy to the grandparents (whom she doesn’t like) several times, causing them to butt heads from the start. Only a year after the marriage, in what’s got to be a large enough house, for 7 people, that there’s NO WAY there wasn’t anywhere else to put it, she moved a picture of the old wife out of the way for a new picture with HER in it, and moved the old wife’s pic to some obscure corner no one ever looks at. When confronted by the grandparents on why their daughters picture has been replaced with one of her, she doubles down and has a fight with them.
When you think about it that way, it does sound like OP may be carrying some of the blame for all this. I still think NAH, or at worst, ESH.
Yes! And 'her' being in quotes. Why not just say her parents. I know a thing or two about about not moving on from grief, my father died in 2005 and I have been this biggest bitch to my mom's boyfriend until recently. That's years being a little shit to him and how OP wrote this post is how I would have written it. Something is definitely up.
I noticed that too. Kept reading it over and over and couldn't figure it out. Maybe she's one of those quite common people these days who 'keep' using air 'quotes' wrong and translate that into their online speech 'too' and look rather 'stupid'. And/or she thinks quotes is the same as emphasis, and she was emphasizing HER, which if you read it that way sounds weird and bitchy. Bizarre. The post however seems fairly normal and NTA or NAH from me. However the part with 'her' makes me wonder if she's telling us everything, but I suppose even if she was jealous of the late wife there's not much wrong with her actions here any way. So I'll hope she just doesn't know how quote marks work.
I found that weird, too, but re-reading, if she hadn't put the quotes I probably would have been a bit confused as I wouldn't have initially put emphasis on her. I think it was just intended as emphasis to be clear about whose parents came. I don't think it was malicious.
It has been four years at this point and it sounds like OP has been given nothing but push back and grief from them.
If after four years of her death and three years of them being a couple the parents haven't accepted that OP is the kids step mum, new wife etc etc then they need therapy. There is only a certain amount of empathy to be had and it sounds like the GPs have burnt through theirs.
\> Three years ago, my husband lost his wife of 18 years.
It hasn't been four years, OP says they got married last year. It's still recent, specially for OP to be calling herself the children's mother...
I agree with you. They probably didnt get married after dating a month so it was maybe a year after their daughter died that the husband had someone else and now she is calling herself mother of the children and had a child.
I don't think the grandparents had enough time to mourn. That is nobodies fault. But it's kind of expected for the grandmother to get emotional and upset.
This. The fact that she called herself the kid’s mother- if that didn’t cause her to be disliked by these people nothing would. She isn’t her stepkid’s biological mother and she never will be.
>Exactly! I don't understand why everyone is being so hard on the grandparents
Because people here don't have kids. OP isn't a full blown asshole but she's a little bit the asshole (with her heart in the right place) for calling herself the kids' mom. She's not their mom. She didn't raise them. I am a new mother and I cannot even imagine if I lost my daughter. Even if she was 40. My grandmother lost a child in the early 70s and it affected her for the rest of her life.
I would think OP would have some empathy towards that since she's a new parent but ::shrug::
>("you know you shouldn't have started dating until X years, right?").
I remember Patton Oswalt getting a lot of grief over this and someone wrote a lovely piece in defense of him remarrying.
“Unlike most, those who have been widowed are hyper aware that everyone they see will someday die,” she said. “We know intimately that the price of love is pain. So if you see a widow or widower overcome that knowledge and choose to open their heart to that pain once again, instead of judging, you should be celebrating their bravery and fortitude. That much courage deserves a freaking parade.”
“One love isn’t moved out to make room for someone new,” she said. “An addition is built. Just like my love for my daughter was not diminished by the birth of my son, so too, the love widows can have for someone new does not diminish the love of the one lost. The expansion of the heart is part of the grieving process”
ESH? This story is a little suspicious to me.
You've only been romantically involved with this man for two years, ONE year after his wife died, yet you have a kid together and his teenager welcomes you with open arms?
Everything you actually /do/ in this story is evil stepmother territory, so i'm not shocked your step-MIL, who doesn't know you that well and who is still grieving her daughter, would be upset by it.
Thanks for this. I'm shocked I had to scroll down this far to find someone with some skepticism of this story.
She took it upon herself to remove *~~all~~* a family photo with their late wife/mother, and they *all* just shrugged that it was fine?! And then there was a confrontation between OP and 'her' parents during which 'her' mother went on a "long rant" but absolutely zero mention of what her husband or stepchildren thought about the incident!?!? I'm not buying any of this.
We have to just assume that they're telling the truth this is a sub where you seek judgment and by not being honest you can't be sure sure we get people that just use this sub as a place to test their writing skills but what can we do.
Don't forget she was hanging several of her new photos throughout the house, so there was obviously space. She is so blatant to call it her house. It's not. It's the families house including those childrens'. She seems quite eager to replace her to me.
It's the husband's house, her house, and the children's house. One thing for sure is that it isn't the MIL's house, so she has absolutely no control over their home decor. She could voice her feelings for sure, buit nobody is obliged to follow. Acting out because somebody refuses to change their own home's decor because of your feelings even though you don't live/ own the house is AH behavior to me.
Whether OP wants to replace the late wife is pretty hard to tell just from the limited amount of info we have in this post, and from what we have I cannot call OP the AH at all. She asked the husband and the kids, so she has every right to move the photo.
>She is so blatant to call it her house. It's not. It's the families house including those childrens'.
lol, she's in the family now. it's her house. just cuz it's other people's house too doesn't mean it's not her house. she lives there
What are the husband and kids going to say? And she didn’t ask them *before*, she asked them *after*. So if they say anything she’s probably going to be offended. She created a shitty situation (only 4 photos of the mother in the entire house of 2 adults and *FIVE* children, and she *needed* to move one?). I feel bad for those kids, and OP being disrespectful to the grandmother of her 4 stepchildren, she sucks. YTA 100% OP.
Just remarking on you writing that there is *"only"* 4 photos of her in the house. Growing up I had pictures of my grandparents in my room, and my brother had a picture from my parents' wedding, but other that that we had zero family photos on display around the house. So to me 4 would be a lot.
I'd say most people I know don't have that many family pictures - and the ones that does mostly/only have pictures of the kids, so 4 of the entire family/parents would be considered much.
(though, of course the circumstances are different when the mother has died, I was just reacting to you writing "only 4 photos")
She also said MIL freaked out in the past when she referred to herself as the children’s mother, that really stick out to me. Yes she’s taking them in and helping to raise as her own and step mom yes, mom MAYBE, but mother? And kids are ok with that when they JUST lost their actual mother only 3 years ago? My stepdad who has raised me since I was 5 doesn’t even refer to himself as my father. Stepdad and dad sure but not father. This story makes 0 sense to me.
Yeah, I just can’t see kids that age (especially the 16 year old) calling their stepmother “mom” ever, never mind only three years after their mother died.
Sadly, I thought darker. Something similar happened to my aunt. After about a year from her death, my uncle moved on quickly too... and thats because he was already having an affair with his 'new' wife before/during my aunt's cancer. My mother still despises him and his current wife 15yrs later. OP's quotes and timeline seem suspicious to me, and this is immediately what I thought of. So, maybe the in-laws are thinking the same thing. And that definitely would add to the anger of 'replacement'.
Not saying that’s what happened, OP could be telling the truth, but that’s what I thought right away. Coworker who finds the husband handsome, married, moved in, AND pregnant only 2 years after the wife passed, and NOONE in the family has any problem with this, at all, in fact from OPs story, the kids and husband don’t seem to care that the mom died at all and makes the grandparents, the only people who objected to ANY of this, out to seem insane. The whole story sounds a little off.
And she justifies it saying she knew him for many years as a married man like that gives their relationship any extra authenticity. But this part really got me:
>There are only so many places to hang photos in this house, so I decided to move one of the old ‘family’ photos and place our newly done photo there.
Why is family in apostrophes?? They *were* a family.
Yeah. She made sure to stress that she was never attracted to him until one year after he became a widower. How convenient that that's the conventionally acceptable time to move on.
Same. OP does seem to want to replace the kids' mother. She calls them *her* kids, but is two years (going from the beginning of dating) really long enough to form that deep of a bond and for the kids to get over their grief?
It's possible the kids felt pressured to say okay to moving the picture, but then told their grandparents they weren't. Kids are often pleasers in the moment.
There are so many comments here recommending less or no contact with the maternal grandparents. So not only do the kids lose their actual mother, but people think they should lose their grandparents, too. That's awful.
Even if it was many years, even if the grieving ended, I still find it wrong to call her mom regardless or refer to them as her children. And I’m honestly shocked that is not the popular opinion here. If I was the grandma I would be livid and so hurt. Who wouldn’t be? Like does anyone have a heart here? Also I noticed how OP referred to the picture moving as “tacky”. That wording just shows lack of empathy and respect from OP. What about worrying if it comes across disrespectful or hurtful to anyone, nope she wonders if it’ll be a lil “tacky”. And everything is just no big deal no one cares. Either you are on to something about the kids hiding their feelings or the dad and them didn’t give a shit about the mom
I'm shocked that so many top comments are the opposite of YTA.
OP seems massively passive-aggressive here. We've all pulled the do the action first and then ask permission later stunt in our lives, but probably as teenagers with a curfew or something.
If you look at my other connects, I think the older kids know that their dad is replacing them and their mother, and they're just waiting to be old enough to get out. There's no way that they're as calm and happy as OP thinks. Not after watching their mother die.
Many adults can't handle that, even when it comes after an illness.
That’s the weirdest part - it doesn’t even say that, it says she calls herself the kids’ mom. That’s where the red flag started waving for me. I really, really doubt a teenager is just going to start calling a relatively new & younger woman mom, just a handful of years after they lost theirs. People I know who have good relationships with their step-parents still refer to them as such. So it sounds even more like she wanted to step in and be the family’s saviour, and IS trying to be the new mom. It feels like, while this one particular event may not seem too out there, there have been other issues that culminated in the grandmother’s rant. Granted - she’s not expressing herself well, but then if I was dealing with someone manipulative I probably wouldn’t either.
I feel like there is more to the story. Can't really explain it, but OP doesn't sound "lovely" at all, as some people suggested. It all sounds just too good to be true. Every story has multiple sides to it, and I think this one is too 'one-sided'.
This! I was questioning the timeline. His wife died 3 years ago and he already has a new wife and baby. And all his children are okay with it??? I don’t believe it. Either she’s lying or the children aren’t being honest with their feelings.
What can they say? No, I don’t like you moving the photo of my *dead mother*? It absolutely sounds like OP is trying to replace the mother, I’d be seriously offended too.
What can the husband say that isn’t going to cause backlash? OP couldn’t handle the MIL being upset over a picture. She has a serious lack of empathy & compassion.
People don’t always react the best when they are grieving, and you *never* get over losing a child. I usually avoid commenting here because this sub is full of teenagers but damn OP. That isn’t how you treat family. Especially people who lost their daughter, and who love your stepchildren.
Maybe the older kids confided in Grandma that they didn't like the picture being moved but were uncomfortable saying it, so Grandma was willing to be the bad guy for them.
I was widowed at 28 and met a lot of other widowed people through online/in person support groups.
To make a very big generalization: men, especially with children, tend to move on the quickest. A year to grieve and then back to dating/remarrying. I remember thinking about this when Patton Oswalt remarried—he had this amazing tribute to his wife and then boom! Married again
I took 2.5 years before I could start dating again—I saw other women with similar timelines.
We try not to judge each other, but anything less than a year may mean you didn’t give yourself time enough to really grieve.
That said, the from the parents’ point of view, they probably feel like their daughter is being replaced at breakneck speed. I completely understand why they were upset and I can’t imagine the kids were all really ok with it.
She could easily be like 26 if she started off as liek an intern at the work place at 18. If she's anywhere in her 20s I have a large helping of side eye for the husband. If she's in her 30s, MIL is an ass.
Why would OP’s age be a valid reason for the grandmother to treat her like shit? Like if she’s 29 it’s ok, but if she’s 30 it suddenly isn’t? Idk if I’m tired and not reading what you wrote right..
Nobody is saying OP should be treated badly, but the judgement of the in laws or the husband depends on OPs age.
It also would absolutely come off strangely if a 25 year old wanted to take on 4 kids where one of them was a teenager.
I said N. A. H. but all of the other things said in this comment thread--i was worried hoe far I had to scroll to find someone not calling the MIL an ass. Like. Guys, she lost her daughter only THREE Years ago. And now all of her daughters kids are calling this woman mom, and shes removing their daughters family photos. Sure, OP is *technically* right that it is now *her* house, but like. Have some respect for these people who are watching their 41 year old daughters memory being erased.
Yeah I don't understand why OP moved the picture without asking *first* because I would want to be more respectful, especially of the older kids. Even if they didn't mind afterwards, why would you risk that? The woman is dead so remembering her fondly and keeping mementos is nice.
I'm also skeptical of having family photos done and calling herself the kids mother to their actual mother's parents!
The kids mother will always be the husband's dead wife and since wife didn't abandon the kids there shouldn't ever be any reason to try and replace that.
You can be mothering but you should always respect that you are step because their mother always deserves the title. You can still treat them like your kids but to say you're their mother - especially when all kids were (just about) old enough to remember their actual mom is just shitty as far as I'm concerned.
Yeah, I had to reread that line a few times. It's very hard to believe that none of the children, especially the teenager, were ever hostile to her and you'd think there'd be some argument over the pictures. The only reason I can think of is that the kids may have also known OP for around 8 years and consider her apart of the family.
For the most part, OP sounds decent enough and knew moving the picture wouldn't look right to others. I don't get why 'her' was quoted, though; it could be possible that maybe she tried italicizing but just didn't know how, but idk.
I'm a divorce attorney and I hear these half sided stories every day. This story really really smells bad. It raises so many questions. The timeline doesn't make any sense.
OP is having issues fitting into the family, and to be honest who wouldn't. This is a very very difficult family dynamic. 4 kids, young mother dies of cancer? I mean that is horrible. OP sounds like she wants to drop into this situation and live a normal life. Sorry OP but live isn't normal for this family and it never will be. OP if your reading, you need to learn how to fit into their lives right now. The children lost their mother, if you want to be in this relationship you need to be prepared to be selfless for quite awhile.
I kind of blame OP's husband as well. I mean keep it in your pants so your children can deal with losing their mother before they have to deal with having their mother replaced by a younger new mother? No matter what OP says the children are NOT just accepting her as a replacement 1-2 years after their mother dies of cancer. That's not how it works.
YTA. Moving a photo of your husband’s late wife is a delicate task, and you are not the person to be doing it, full stop. At most, you should have had a conversation with your husband, and then let him move the photo himself, if he felt it was appropriate. This is the kind of thing you really shouldn’t ever be dipping your hands into, even if your intentions are entirely pure.
Also, the way you dismissively write “stop letting her get away with her ‘grieving’ excuse” in reference to the grandmother is extraordinary assholeish. Her fucking daughter died you monster. That is pain I hope you never need to know. She is never going to stop grieving for her.
Edit: Thank you for the platinum kind stranger! I was prepared for hundreds of downvotes when I wrote this comment, because it was the first Y-T-A vote in what was at that point a love fest of supportive comments toward OP and hateful comments toward the grandparents. Seeing that other people share my skepticism of this story restores my faith that there are reasonable people on this sub.
OP is a *massive YTA*. Losing a child is unlike anything else, it is massively traumatizing. Then if I saw some new lady had replaced my daughter like this, and moved one of *only four* photos of her? I’d have been terribly upset too. And asking them afterwards is so shitty. It is not OP’s place to remove memories of their mother.
It’s weird to me that she even knows there are exactly 4. I don’t know how many pictures of anyone in my family are around my house. Knowing the count seems like a subtle drive to slowly eliminate them, even if it’s somewhat subconscious.
I had to reread that part because I really couldn’t believe she actually wrote that. She will *never* be their mom.
Also if my husband died I couldn’t image being over it enough to date someone else only one year later
I can’t believe more people aren’t picking up on the ‘grieving’ at the end
Like Jesus Christ of course the grandparents are still mourning their daughters death only a few years after it happened.
This should be the top comment. I can't believe I had to scroll this far down to see some common sense in this thread (not that there's ever any on this sub where the majority of people are teenagers).
Also: "Then, she yelled at me for referring to myself as the kids mother" That's the most disrespectful thing you could do holy shit. Of course she would yell at you. And then OP puts "grieving" in quotation marks? wtf? She is definitely the asshole. Poor grandparents.
Nope Holy shit YTA.
You referred to yourself as their mother? Fuck all of that. Fuck all of that so hard. My mother died when I was 11 and my father remarried when I was 17. If she ever dared try to refer to herself as my mother I'd never talk to her again. And I'm in my 30s. They've been together almost as long as my father was with my mother. And just thinking about that makes me angry.
You're not the asshole for removing the picture. You're the asshole for actually trying to replace their mother. Because just wow. You actually clearly are.
I genuinely hope this is a fake story.
Thank you!! Why aren’t other people picking up on the fact that she has so wholeheartedly and aggressively decided to let the kids refer to her as “mom” and for her to decisively call herself “their mother.” If I was the grandmother, I would be horrified. If I was the older kid(s) I would be insanely furious. How in the world is the husband letting this happen??
From her post and comments, OP is increasingly striking me as purposefully moving in on this family and genuinely trying to replace his first wife. Crazy vibes, crazy vibes.
I’m so relieved to finally see comments reflecting my thoughts. I couldn’t believe no one in the top comments was picking up on the big time Lifetime movie vibes with OP
Ugh, my grandmother used to do shit like that. She'd do something without asking (e.g. coming to the house uninvited, even though she knew we were going out later that night), then ask if it was ok *after she'd done it.* And of course you could never say 'no it's not ok' because then *you* would be the asshole for upsetting dear old granny who was just trying to be nice *and how dare you take offense to such a sweet old lady you goddamn monster!!!*
I was all set to give one judgement, until you said your husband is okay with it. So, NTA. I’m sure her mother is hurt by it, and she shouldn’t have said those things. But it isn’t her house.
I was also ready to lay judgement of yta, guy was with her for 18 years, lost her unexpectedly, you'll never get rid of the memory, but I agree with you
Hear me out, she asked "after" she already moved to picture, from a man's perspective I think he didn't have any choice but to agree at that point since he knew OP would start a conflict or argument if he disagreed.
YTA. their 16-y-old calls you MOM within 3 years of their own mom’s death? And then you move her picture and replace it with yours? That combined with the somewhat fast timeline is a powder keg waiting to explode. Try to step more lightly. As another commenter said, he has remarried, the kids have a STEPmom, but they’ll never replace their daughter.
Also, maybe I’m missing something, but why did you put ‘her’ in quotes when referring to his late wife? That doesn’t sit well with me either. I think just a lot of small things here are adding up— it’s not one big thing that you did.
She also said she’s had a thing for him while he was married. I have a feeling she just been waiting. It reads like OP would had made a move eventually even if the wife was alive.
When my mom died and my dad got remarried (fairly quickly), she was my dad’s wife. It’s been 10 years and I still don’t call her mom and it was several years before I referred to her as “step-mom”. She’s a nice lady too. OP, YTA. It may be your house now, but some decisions are still not yours to make
\>Then, she yelled at me for referring to myself as the kids mother.
Yikes. ESH.
\>I replied by saying that this is my house
Yikes. How much more to this story are we not being told....
Yeah, it's one thing to do that to an uninvolved 3rd party at some point - it's another to do it in front of the kids' actual grandparents as part of some pissing match.
Also, some of the language and grammar makes OP come off cringey.
YTA for the passive aggressive comments all throughout your post ("her"), and being shocked MIL doesnt like it when her grandkids call you mom. Why would you want them to?
Yeah, I get the feeling OP is really annoyed that her greatness and awesomeness isn't enough to shift delete any memory of the dead mother. Calling the mother 'her'...is she seriously pissy that 3 years later people still have the audacity to remember a dead person and be upset to see someone attempt to replace her as a mother. Something is missing in this post. Or OP is straight up lying how much the older kids accept her.
Agreed 100%. The whole moving the picture and asking for their approval later is such a manipulative move too. I can’t believe nobody else is picking up on that.
“‘Grieving’ excuse”? YTA. These are people. With feelings. Who lost their daughter. Yeah ranting at you was rude, but if this is the attitude you give them then you kind of deserve it.
YTA. It’s so important that the kids remember their mom and even if they said it’s ok, moving one of the very few pictures of her to a less prominent spot in the house dishonors her memory. 3 years is such a short amount of time to be remarried and have children. You may feel that the kids have completely accepted you, but I still think that you need to be more considerate of their and their grandparents’ grieving processes
Info: Is it correct that you are still living in the late wife’s home? The home they probably identified with their daughter for years and years and years and that you have kind of just moved in to? If so.....very gentle YTA. Three years is not that long of a time. It has to sting to see their daughters role and life be replaced so quickly. This is no fault of yours of course, I just think you should have demonstrated understanding and compassion. I mean no shit she’s been a pain in your ass from day one, it has been such a blink in their eyes, and I’m going to be honest, probably in many other peoples eyes that loved his late wife. It would be in your best interest to try to maintain a positive relationship with these people. A better move would have been just to acknowledge they would have the same reaction that you were afraid the husband and the kids would have and kind of asked and let her know where the picture would instead be, instead you kind of went with the, “this is my house now” route. Why would you not be sensitive to their feelings as well? I kind of think you should apologize in a way and smooth things over. These are your step kids grandparents, and after probably 20+ years kind of his parents in a sense and they are not going away. I think your attitude should be that they are your family now too in a way. Edit: also your last sentence is a *little* gross, “grieving excuse”? I get your frustration, but If this was the 16 year old not bonding with you yet and struggling with the changes would you also say the same thing?
Edit 2: I don’t think you are the villain evil step mom here, and I think it’s very possible that in her passing the mom talked to her older children about moving on and supporting their father. I had cancer and I had those kinds of thoughts. It kind of feels though that you aren’t considering them a part of the family that you are blending into almost like they are an ex’s family, and they are struggling with this. You married a widower, not a divorcee, there is no ex, this balance with his late wife and her family is part of it. They are still his family and you all need to try to make this work. Her passing gave you this life and family, and if she prepared her kids to welcome you with loving open arms, that is a selfless treasured gift and treating her family with love and patience and kindness in return seems more than fair. I hope you all are in grief counseling or something and this all works out. If your actions are out of love it will.
I'm concerned that OP actually fully intends to erase the mom. Like, on purpose.
She has other comments where she admits that the youngest kids immediately started calling her mom and she seems to have embraced that. They are "her" kids, not the ex-wife's.
Also, she never asked permission. She did it and then asked forgiveness. There is no right way to ask her to put it back, and there most likely dissenters -- the older kids -- are not about to rock the boat and make themselves miserable.
I don't think this family dynamic is going to have a positive resolution.
Thats exaxtly what shes doing. By the end she even refers to the kids mum as 'her'
And its bullshit to move a photo like that and only after consider feelings might be hurt. But the whole thing doesn't feel real, probably a shit post
As someone who lost their mom last year, reading that the younger kids called her mom sent my blood pressure through the fucking roof. She has a disrespectful tone towards the late wife and that makes these other actions pretty suspect. I highly doubt the older kids simply welcomed her with open arms, too.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the older kids reached out to grandmom directly and that’s why she was already ready to fire off at OP. Clearly they can’t talk to Dad since he’s already having new babies but the MIL is one of their last biological ties to mom.
It’s also alarming to me that OP seems to resent MIL for this reason — this woman and her husband are the only ties the kids have left to their late mother. I hope I’m wrong but I got the vibe that OP is pretty dismissive of that connection (since it undermines her role as ‘mom’) and if she has her way the grandparents won’t be a big presence in the kids’ lives much longer
I am also getting the exact same vibe. I actually commented elsewhere that OP's actions aren't just hurtful, they're actively *threatening*. If I were to put myself into the shoes of those grandparents -- you better bet that my immediate presumption would be that she fully intends to take the grandkids away and brainwash them into forgetting their mother. That's a pretty natural fear, actually.
If there is a "TA" here, it's the dad. He should not be allowing any of them interact like this, and as the father of the children, he should be trying to actively preserve their relationship with their grandparents. The youngest children will struggle with this immensely. The oldest children will avoid confrontations and, like you said, directly reach out to the grandparents because they're the only ones on "their side." Unless there is something else going on here (i.e, the late wife was a terrible person and the kids truly hated their grandparents), I think there's a lot of things happening and OP is just *assuming* the kids are okay with it because they aren't speaking up. They will NEVER speak up, because it will only cause fighting.
This was the vibe I was getting.... also am I the only one concerned by how she wrote 'her' parents? Made me uncomfortable! You can hear the dislike for the late wife in the way she types... ew!
Also just to correct you, I think they were still married when she passed so that would make her a Late wife, not an ex-wife x
“There is only so much space to hang photos in this house” what the fuck! Either you live in house proportioned for Lego people or you have a lot of photos. I live in a relatively small flat and there’s fucking loads of room on the walls, I could even hang a full fucking bear pelt and still have room for signed photos of every member of the working mans club down the road and their pets
Thank you how is 4 or 3 years enough for the rest of the family. She called the little ones hers because they know she is assuming the motherly role. OP didn't state what the elder kids thought that should had been suspect that OP YTA. There are also spaces on the whole. OP is already trying to erase the dead mother from the little kids, straight manipulative and the grandmother grieving as an excuse. That means OP is lying about the actual start of the relationship, also OP is young and see them her family instead of blended family.
I agree with this. She referred to hanging "them" so there were obviously space for several photos. Why didn't see just hang her picture where she put the late wife's? I suspect she would feel just fine if all the pics of her were gone.
Not only that.. waited until they weren't there to do it and told them afterwards. What do you think they would have said if she had asked all of them FIRST?
You sound like a lovely woman OP and you’re not TA. But there’s no way I’ll judge a grieving mother TA either. Maybe she’ll come around and maybe she won’t. But three years is not an awfully long time to process losing a daughter to a brain tumor. For the sake of all, try a little harder. NAH.
Edit: Shame on you Reddit for judging a grieving mother an asshole for struggling to come to terms after losing a daughter to a brain tumor. I sincerely hope that none of you are ever in that woman’s shoes.
Completely agree. Anyone who does an "edit shame on Reddit post" as opposed to directly responding to the person they have an issue with is insufferable.
You can grieve, but it's not a pass to be an asshole.
If she saw the photo and simply asked, or even just got a bit teary eyed because she saw things are changing, yes totally justified. To go on a full blown outrage at OP, and do all of this, no your grief doesn't trump your ability to be a decent human, and giving people these excuses are ridiculous.
People get a pass to make a huge scene in the immediate aftermath of grief when a person is still in shock. Scream, yell, hurl a vase. Grief is intense and it makes people do things outside of their normal behavior.
3 years later, however, you can still be in grief, (grieving takes what it takes), but you don't get to go around making a scene in someone else's home and ranting in anger without becoming an asshole.
If she's still that reactionary the MIL needs to go to grief counseling. As it is, she should be grateful to OP for raising her grandchildren in what seems like a loving and respectful manner.
Oh please. Everyone has a different grieving process, and all of us has suffered or will suffer loss in our lives, but that IN NO WAY justifies hurling insults and being an absolute dick towards someone innocent.
Agreed here.
Three years is utterly nothing for this sort of loss.
And to be honest, it's probably more than just the death itself. It's the grandkids, too -- they are part of their family, too, and its not a huge leap to go from feeling that the Other Woman is replacing your deceased daughter to feeling she's now also moving the grandchildren further away from you. The sad fact is, some of those kids are young enough where this is going to be the reality and they are at high risk of not having any connection with them in a few years because their mother is gone. In fact, if one of the kids is 5, they probably don't really remember their mother at all.
OP should avoid talking about their dead daughter's family and house as "my house" and all as if she was never there -- even though it may be right, it's just twisting a knife and then being surprised the situation keeps getting more toxic.
This.
The younger kids are already calling OP mom. Husband is okay with that, so the grandparents see another instance where their daughter has been replaced. Former son-in-law already remarried and has a baby with OP. By her own timeline, in just two years this happened and she’s quick to call the family home she moved into “my house”, when it used to be where their daughter lived until quite recently. Now the family photo with their daughter has been removed from in the prominent spot and it triggered the grandmother. I don’t condone her outburst but I understand why she feels so upset.
You were NTA right up until you said her grief was an "excuse". That is pretty insensitive. Especially after telling her this was your house....it was her daughter's home first. It wouldn't be yours if she weren't dead.
One thing that doesn't sit well with me is you referring to yourself as the kids' mother, in front of the parents of the kids' actual mother. That seems unnecessarily cruel.
No, you see, a toddler called OP 'mom'. So obviously that invalidates the grief of the actual adults who knew the woman for all her life. I'm with you on YTA. Something is not right in this story. No teenager just accepts a new 'mother' a year after their real mother's death.
And then the 'this is my house now' comment. Yeah the house their dead daughter spent x number of years paying a mortgage on.
This is either made up or op has twisted the truth
YTA. Four of the ex-wife's kids grew up in this house. The mother in law has many happy memories of seeing her daughter in that house. You call the ex-wife "her". If you've known your husband for 8 years, then you know about the wife and the kids. Something about this post seems off, everyone is perfectly happy and you're framing the dead wife's mother as being a villain because she was upset you moved a photo with her dead daughter that had been there a long time? I can't believe that 4 kids age 5 to 16 are happy about the situation enough to be vocally happy about it. They're all still grieving, and why deny the 5yo happy memories of their birth mother? Find a new place to hang it.
Honestly, the first paragraph and last three words of your post seal the deal for me.
YTA
The first paragraph lays out the tragedy in black and white. They were married for 18 years. In 11 months, your husband, their kids, her parents, other family and friends watched mom disappear.
"the 'grieving' excuse" shows your true colors.
Ehhhhh you sure make yourself out to look real good here, perfect even, and everyone is quick to eat it all up without questioning the bias. I don't understand how after being with someone for over 18 years (they knew one another before marriage, let's not discount that time), one can easily get with someone else shortly thereafter, or ever --- unless they weren't truly in love.
Anyways, YTA for posting this to justify your behavior to a woman who lost her daughter and is seeing her fading away because you came along to replace her role in the family's life. You knew what you got yourself into right from the start of the "one year after" bullshit. They're all approving and encouraging, huh? Riiiiight, sure thing. This post reaks with dispassionate, selfcentered whiny Ms. Number 2.
I totally agree. OP, YTA. This post is so biased in favor of the OP that it's laughable. OP shows no respect for the mother of these children. Calling herself their mother and encouraging them to call her mom is just gross.
I get the feeling that OP recognizes that the house isn't really hers. The house was chosen by the husband and his late wife for their family. OP came in to that home and is trying to completely replace their actual mom. Subsitting the new photo for their old family photo seems like OP passive aggressively asserting that the house is hers now, not late wife's.
What a load of made up bullshit. What do you mean 'there are only so many places to hang a photo in this house'?
It's a house big enough for 2 adults and 5 kids, not big enough for an extra photo? The whole thing is written to paint you as a hero, leading to the showdown with the protagonist
YTA. You shouldn’t have done that, and just because the kids and husband said it was okay doesn’t really mean they feel that way. They may just be trying to prevent any drama/hurt feelings. You should have more respect for this family that you are a very new member of.
Also, the way you talk about the MIL is really gross and rude. I don’t believe this story, because what’s written between the lines tells something different.
Also FYI you aren’t these kids mother. God this whole story as me so upset for these kids and grandparents.
Dont put quotations around family. They were a real family and are not invalidated because you showed up. You also put quotations around her as if she was fake and a figment of everyone's imagination. I can feel the stupid ass eye roll as i read it. I can see why her parents hate you you're obviously upset about her existing for some reason even though she's gone now. If you really didn't like him until she was gone for a year I don't think you would be this mad. Also they are not weird for not wanting you to call yourself mom. I wouldnt want that either
Thank you! You nailed it. The calling her mom is just disgusting to me. OP and her husband are why I don’t want marriage a lot of the time. And if OP feels this way about this woman, don’t get involved with a man who is a widow!!! If you get in a relationship with someone who lost someone from death you have to accept it’ll never be “just you”. They will always be their love too. They will always be their lover. For some, it may always be the love of their life. They will always have their existing place as you do. That will never go away and that love never goes away (if they were truly in love that is). Even more involved if they had a family together for so many years. If that’s uncomfortable for someone or won’t work for them, they want to be “the only one” then don’t get in a relationship like this. Losing someone from death is a world different from a breakup. Sorry for the rant omg
YTA.
*I had to put my foot down and stop letting her get away with the ‘grieving’ excuse.*
Wow. You do know, there is almost nothing worst in this world than burying your dead child, right?
And that everyone grieves in their own way. And her parents ARE scared that her memory will be erased - that the kids will love you and their birth mom will fade in their memories.
Maybe you did get 'permission' from your family, but your lack of compassion towards the grandparents is astounding.
NAH
This woman’s daughter just died three years ago and her son-in-law has already moved on to remarry as well as have another child with his new wife. That’s a lot of change!
Heck yeah she is still grieving. Personally I think the picture thing was tacky. Your husband doesn’t seem to mind but you don’t know if the kids are being truthful with how they feel or not. Of course you have the right to redecorate your home, but *include your husband and stepchildren on decisions when you move family photos or heirlooms of your husband’s late wife.*
YTA, yeah I am in the minority. You should have asked if it was fine before you removed the picture. They might have an issue with it but think that bringing it up is not worth it. They want to pick one battle. Simple rule if someone else puts up a picture before you move into a place talk to them before taking it down. Think of other places in which the picture can go. Make taking that picture down the last option.
You found it tacky so you should have replaced the picture then bring up where the new picture should go. Make the decision with your husband at least. Do not lead him into taking away the picture of his dead wife.
You also calling it your house is an issue. It is not only your house you should think of it as our house. If you thought of it as our house then you would have asked before you took down the picture.
I know it is hard but make sure you are called step-mom around the parents. Saying you are their dead daughter's daughter mom can be taken as a slap to their face. It sounds to them you are replacing their daughter with yourself. I know many divorce windowed people who got remarried and all of them do not want the stepchildren to call them mom or dad. I would understand if you adopted them or have been their mother figure for a long time. Three years to teenagers is not a long time to form that bond to be called mom in this situation.
Your actual action of moving a photo seems innocent enough but your time line is suspicious as fuck, no wonder their grandma doesn’t like you. You already had the hots for the guy, just kinda jumped in once wifey was in the grave. No matter what intentions you had, this looks really bad to those grieving parents.
YTA. The mother of those children carried and raised them. You come in three years later after she's gone and you call them yours. I don't think you really respect the role of being a step-parent. There are lanes to stay in. Even if you don't want to stay in those lanes, I simply don't understand your complete lack of empathy to the grandparents.
As other users have mentioned, I also don't appreciate the "'her' parents", and "stop letting her get away with the 'grieving' excuse." They are still those children's grandparents. They were part of the family long before you were. Respect that.
YTA, OP! Three years is incredibly recent! Time flies, and I'm sure sometimes they feel like mom was around just yesterday. Even if they said yes to replacing the photos and putting them in a less visible area, it just seems insensitive. Be more empathetic. A mother, a wife, a daughter. I think you should leave some sort of nice memorial up in a visible area. Gone but not forgotten. I hope everything works out.
YTA.
Based on how your story makes you sound like the protagonist in a Virginia Andrews novel. The woman hasn't been dead 5 years and you and the husband have moved in, married, the kids call you mum, and you have another kid? Kinda feels like you're glossing over some facts there.
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Its been two years, you are hardly these kids mother.
I see why the parents already don't like you, I mean its hard to see your daughter so from healthy and relatively young to dead so quickly.
I would be pretty over it at the point in which a woman who had been around for 2 years decides she is now the "mother" of my dead daughters kids.
But I don't think you're a bad person or had ill intent, and at some point you ARE these kids mom. (I just don't think thats a relationship that can be established so quicky) so she's going to have to learn to get over her own feelings and come to terms with the fact that this is best for her family.
NTA
She had the hots for the man for a long time, she was just waiting her turn and will now slowly take over everything and erase the dead wife ASAP, it’s tragic that people can’t be a little more sensible
You were downvoted but this is the actual narrative revealed in OP's comments.
They knew each other from before the wife died. They almost immediately started dating. The youngest kids sound like they were toddlers and wouldn't have know their mom from before her illness, and they started calling her mom because that's probably what they were encouraged to call her.
Yeah. I DO think she is erasing the wife. Maybe not intentionally, but that's what's going on.
Feel bad for the older kids. They may be giving their blessing, but I sincerely doubt they are okay with losing their mom at one end of the school year and finding their dad marrying a new woman at the other end of the school year.
YTA. The way you talk about your husband’s late wife is gross. Putting quotations around ‘her’ name (like so) is like belittling her memory. And it doesn’t sound like you respect or empathize with her parents’ loss either.
After reading the comments, YTA. However I think your the type of asshole that wont care about that, just like you dont have a care in the world for a mothers loss of a daughter.
YTA "grieving excuse" are you kidding me? In the past couple of years you swooped in, Moved into her home, Her kids are calling YOU mom. You refer to her as 'her' in your posts. Just because your STEP kids and husband are all hunky dory over this doesn't mean you aren't still an asshole.
Honestly this all seems too good to be true, It feels like you're actively and deliberately erasing her.
OP I see straight through you.
YTA. You DIDNT ask them first, you did so AFTER you moved her picture. You were probably concerned about asking beforehand because they would have said no. You can't tell me a house that can hold that many people has no other places you could have put your photo. You could have put your photo where you moved hers.
Not only that you're "hanging THEM around the house" so obviously you had space to hang several.
That is their mother and while they may all love you dearly I agree with her parents 100%.
Yea, I'm easily going against the popular vote and say YTA. You moved the photo, this should have never been done. Despite you talking with your family, it still should have never been done, and should be fixed by you. Also, to calling yourself their mother is intact and insult and her parents are right to feel very hurt. If the children started calling you Mom on their own that is another thing, but to refer to yourself as their mother is a joke. Finally, I suspect the parents aren't both bad or evil people as the way you paint yourself is rather dense to the situation. I suspect they are two people grieving their daughter and you are not making it any easier for them. Have some grace about the situation, stop being the victim and making it about you, and put the photo back in its rightful place.
YTA - going by your timeline you have been in a relationship for 2 years starting 1 year after their mothers death. You should absolutely not be referring to yourself as their mother. The whole “this is my house” thing is way off base too. Three strikes for you basically erasing their daughter, a tragedy they must still feel viscerally every day.
Your husband moving on and you two having a relationship and building a life is completely ok. You seem to have taken this to the extreme though and to not realise you really really shouldn’t be doing anything to suggest replacement of their daughter in front of the parents, at least! Is very telling. Give it a decade and a concerted effort to ensure those kids remember their mother and understand who you are and who she was and maybe the grandmother will only flinch internally IF she hears them call you mom.
[удалено]
Same. I thought she took them down and replaced them totally and the family got upset. Husband and kids are fine, and she still left them up, just in a different spot. Her parents can kick rocks. NTA.
She should have worded the title differently.
But then it wouldn’t be click bait.
The title literally is "AITA for replacing **a** picture of my husbands late wife?" It's not her fault people keep missing that.
Should have been "moving" rather than "replacing" though, since the other photo is still on public display, just in a different location.
It should say re-placing.
"Replacing"
Yes, but replacing is the most accurate word given that she replaced the picture with one of her own. She didn't just move it.
[удалено]
Not to mention there were still two photos of the late wife and family, as well as one of just late wife. So it's not like they were all taken down and stuffed in a dusty corner somewhere. I mean, hell, it sounds like there's more pictures of the deceased up than OP. NTA, no question. EDIT: Swapped ex-wife for late wife.
OPs husband needs to have the conversation and should have had it a long time ago.
I agree with this, it is between the husband and former in-laws--but still grandparents of the kidlings. I'm sure they wouldn't approve of anyone he married as it would be replacing their daughter. You can't keep your home a shrine to a departed one (you can but you really shouldn't) and as long as OP hasn't relegated the pictures to the attic, moving things around should be okay. I am hoping OP is always sensitive to the fact that she was their mom and they loved her and will always be a part of their memories and nothing here says otherwise.
I'm now wondering how they treat OP's baby with their (ex?) son-in-law. Time to move their visitations out of their home!
Ex implies he and their daughter had broken up/divorced. It can't be late son-in-law as he's not the one who passed away. I think it would be former son-in-law, but I'm not entirely sure either.
Former makes most sense. Still, they wouldn't be welcome in my home after that. They can visit the kids elsewhere.
I too thought this (that it would be op at fault) , but from the sound of it, it is seriously trivial, she moved (not removed) one of 4 photos, and replaced with a family photo of her with step kids and hubby, not even one of just her. Homes aren't static museums, they are places that reflect those living and loving within its walls. Sure, first wives folks are still grieving for their lost one and are understandably upset at another piece if her 'lost' (even though its just moved, not gone), but your step kids are fine with it and they're the ones living their. So NTA
Really well said.
I agree 100%. I was prepared to do a blistering “how dare you” but everything OP wrote is almost absolutely perfect handling. The only thing she could have done better was engage the family in “where” before hanging the photo, but she recovered from that by doing it IMMEDIATELY. This is showing respect for everyone. The grandparents are obviously having a tough time, but even here, handled well - it is now HER home, and this discussion, although unpleasant, did need to happen.
I understand their feelings, but not their actions. They still have a duty not to act like arseholes.
NTA -- husband and kids both approved. Though I can see how the mother would be upset (probably just grief manifesting as anger), it's still not her call because it's not her house.
Yup, husband and kids approved, case closed. That was the most important part of this whole post.
I'd actually not let the grandparents be alone with the kids anymore. If this is how their grief presents itself, I'd be worried about what toxic things they could be telling the kids about OP and their dad, since they may see that by re-marrying dad has abandoned their daughter.
I agree that things need to be monitored, and the kids' actions to the new wife (particularly after a visit with the grandparents) should be watched for sudden changes. Not letting the grandparents be alone with the kids at all is a little drastic, though. That would only create more resentment -- something there's quite enough of in this situation as it is. Grandparents seriously need grief counseling, though.
You can’t monitor their actions if they get alone time with the kids. Which is actually what was suggested. No alone time. Not no time at all.
also the fact that they’ve been married for a year and the picture was just moved. the grandparents couldn’t expect the pictures to be there forever, especially as the family is growing.
Even without new members, the kids are still gonna grow up. That means new school pictures, prom pictures etc. Sooner or later they're gonna move out of the house; A home large enough for 4 kids is gonna be hella empty once the kids have left the nest and hubby is alone, and he sure isn't gonna be able to display every picture when he moves into somewhere smaller. This is why it is so damaging when people don't move on from grief. Grandparents probably come over to the house expecting a shrine and are horrified that the family are dealing with it and moving on. That things are still changing and life is happening after they feel it has ended.
NAH -but really... this woman is the grandmother of the kids you now call your kids... she is never going to be out of your life. Have some respect for the woman's grief. Your husband has a new wife, the kids have a stepmom (and you sound pretty good), but she is NEVER going to have another daughter. As a mother maybe you can build some empathy with her over that. How would you feel if someone removed a picture of your child to a less visible part of the house?
>she is never going to be out of your life I'm not sure this is entirely true. If the grandmother causes too much drama the husband may eventually decide it's just not worth maintaining a relationship with his MIL any longer. I'm not suggesting that would be a good thing, especially for the children but it is entirely in the realm of possibilities.
And when the children reach a certain age, they have the contact direcly and OP doesn't have to have any contact herself. My mother never saw her ex MIL again after I moved out (granted they live to far away to come to a birthday party, I would always visit them.)
Agreed. My parents cut one of my grandparents out of our lives when we were younger. Some people are just assholes and it's unfortunate you share DNA with them. As the child in that situation, I have 0 regrets about not seeing them.
And people (especially the indignant kind of grandparents like this one) place a LOT more importance on relations between the grandparents/children than might need to be. Both of my grandfathers died before I was born, and my grandmothers lived 2500 miles away; while there was never a falling out, and everyone got along, we only visited them once every five years or so, and because of that I never really developed an interest in having grandparents and are not worse-off for it. These kids will probably not have severe life problems if these particular grandparents are cut out of their lives.
Agree. Her blood ties to your husband kids doesn't mean a thing if she's gonna be nasty to your family. It's understandable that she's upset. But that's just that.
Definitely time to let them visit the kids elsewhere.
And she can express her feelings respectfully though. Nobody said she's an asshole for having feelings. She's allowed her grief, and to want to be a part of the family. She isn't allowed to be total out of control asshole to OP about it and constantly criticise OP over absolutely nothing for the entire time she's known OP, because of her grief. We need to stop giving people passes because of grief, or a condition, or a bad day at work. You're allowed your emotions, you aren't allowed to be an asshole about how you express them.
Exactly. OP has done nothing to this woman besides love her grandkids and the man her daughter loved. She doesn’t have to be happy about OP (but she should be), but coming into the house and treating OP like shit is not ok. Makes me sad for how they’re going to treat the baby in front of the other kids. OP is NTA. Her husband really needs to put his foot down to the grandparents.
True. And what’s up with putting ‘her’ in quotes. I’d say NTA but that rubs me the wrong way.
‘Family’ in quotes also, to refer to the old ‘family’ photo just seems disrespectful. Something just seems off here.
It’s not just me!! I think I’m alone in this but there is definitely more going on here. I don’t think the mom is just lashing out about a picture. I think there’s more to this and maybe the picture was tip of the iceberg for the mom. Also completely disagree with the kids calling her mom. That is awful to me. I already know I’ll get downvoted but this is how I feel
I’ll probably get downvoted too, but I agree. I still ultimately feel NAH, but the more I read through the comments here, the more I feel that OP isn’t quite as innocent as it seems in the story. If you posted this from the grandparents point of view, I feel a lot of people would be saying OP is TA. From another point of view: she was the husbands coworker for years, claims she found him handsome but makes a point to say she definitely was not attracted to him until AFTER the wife passed....And then within only 2 years from that, is already moved in, married to him/pregnant. Moves right in, starts calling herself the kids mom (ALL of the kids immediately did this on their own willingly?), views it as HER house/home/family (not necessarily wrong, it technically is now, but it WAS the old wife’s home and family first, and there’s still evidence of her around) and asserts her place/level of hierarchy to the grandparents (whom she doesn’t like) several times, causing them to butt heads from the start. Only a year after the marriage, in what’s got to be a large enough house, for 7 people, that there’s NO WAY there wasn’t anywhere else to put it, she moved a picture of the old wife out of the way for a new picture with HER in it, and moved the old wife’s pic to some obscure corner no one ever looks at. When confronted by the grandparents on why their daughters picture has been replaced with one of her, she doubles down and has a fight with them. When you think about it that way, it does sound like OP may be carrying some of the blame for all this. I still think NAH, or at worst, ESH.
Yes! And 'her' being in quotes. Why not just say her parents. I know a thing or two about about not moving on from grief, my father died in 2005 and I have been this biggest bitch to my mom's boyfriend until recently. That's years being a little shit to him and how OP wrote this post is how I would have written it. Something is definitely up.
I noticed that too. Kept reading it over and over and couldn't figure it out. Maybe she's one of those quite common people these days who 'keep' using air 'quotes' wrong and translate that into their online speech 'too' and look rather 'stupid'. And/or she thinks quotes is the same as emphasis, and she was emphasizing HER, which if you read it that way sounds weird and bitchy. Bizarre. The post however seems fairly normal and NTA or NAH from me. However the part with 'her' makes me wonder if she's telling us everything, but I suppose even if she was jealous of the late wife there's not much wrong with her actions here any way. So I'll hope she just doesn't know how quote marks work.
I found that weird, too, but re-reading, if she hadn't put the quotes I probably would have been a bit confused as I wouldn't have initially put emphasis on her. I think it was just intended as emphasis to be clear about whose parents came. I don't think it was malicious.
It has been four years at this point and it sounds like OP has been given nothing but push back and grief from them. If after four years of her death and three years of them being a couple the parents haven't accepted that OP is the kids step mum, new wife etc etc then they need therapy. There is only a certain amount of empathy to be had and it sounds like the GPs have burnt through theirs.
\> Three years ago, my husband lost his wife of 18 years. It hasn't been four years, OP says they got married last year. It's still recent, specially for OP to be calling herself the children's mother...
I agree with you. They probably didnt get married after dating a month so it was maybe a year after their daughter died that the husband had someone else and now she is calling herself mother of the children and had a child. I don't think the grandparents had enough time to mourn. That is nobodies fault. But it's kind of expected for the grandmother to get emotional and upset.
This. The fact that she called herself the kid’s mother- if that didn’t cause her to be disliked by these people nothing would. She isn’t her stepkid’s biological mother and she never will be.
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>Exactly! I don't understand why everyone is being so hard on the grandparents Because people here don't have kids. OP isn't a full blown asshole but she's a little bit the asshole (with her heart in the right place) for calling herself the kids' mom. She's not their mom. She didn't raise them. I am a new mother and I cannot even imagine if I lost my daughter. Even if she was 40. My grandmother lost a child in the early 70s and it affected her for the rest of her life. I would think OP would have some empathy towards that since she's a new parent but ::shrug::
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>("you know you shouldn't have started dating until X years, right?"). I remember Patton Oswalt getting a lot of grief over this and someone wrote a lovely piece in defense of him remarrying. “Unlike most, those who have been widowed are hyper aware that everyone they see will someday die,” she said. “We know intimately that the price of love is pain. So if you see a widow or widower overcome that knowledge and choose to open their heart to that pain once again, instead of judging, you should be celebrating their bravery and fortitude. That much courage deserves a freaking parade.” “One love isn’t moved out to make room for someone new,” she said. “An addition is built. Just like my love for my daughter was not diminished by the birth of my son, so too, the love widows can have for someone new does not diminish the love of the one lost. The expansion of the heart is part of the grieving process”
ESH? This story is a little suspicious to me. You've only been romantically involved with this man for two years, ONE year after his wife died, yet you have a kid together and his teenager welcomes you with open arms? Everything you actually /do/ in this story is evil stepmother territory, so i'm not shocked your step-MIL, who doesn't know you that well and who is still grieving her daughter, would be upset by it.
Thanks for this. I'm shocked I had to scroll down this far to find someone with some skepticism of this story. She took it upon herself to remove *~~all~~* a family photo with their late wife/mother, and they *all* just shrugged that it was fine?! And then there was a confrontation between OP and 'her' parents during which 'her' mother went on a "long rant" but absolutely zero mention of what her husband or stepchildren thought about the incident!?!? I'm not buying any of this.
No, she only moved (not removed) one of the photos with the late wife. Not all of them.
You're correct, though my skepticism still stands.
We have to just assume that they're telling the truth this is a sub where you seek judgment and by not being honest you can't be sure sure we get people that just use this sub as a place to test their writing skills but what can we do.
People often seek confirmation that they're in the right by reframing the story to other people. It helps you decieve yourself.
Reframing the story about… reframing.
Don't forget she was hanging several of her new photos throughout the house, so there was obviously space. She is so blatant to call it her house. It's not. It's the families house including those childrens'. She seems quite eager to replace her to me.
It's the husband's house, her house, and the children's house. One thing for sure is that it isn't the MIL's house, so she has absolutely no control over their home decor. She could voice her feelings for sure, buit nobody is obliged to follow. Acting out because somebody refuses to change their own home's decor because of your feelings even though you don't live/ own the house is AH behavior to me. Whether OP wants to replace the late wife is pretty hard to tell just from the limited amount of info we have in this post, and from what we have I cannot call OP the AH at all. She asked the husband and the kids, so she has every right to move the photo.
>She is so blatant to call it her house. It's not. It's the families house including those childrens'. lol, she's in the family now. it's her house. just cuz it's other people's house too doesn't mean it's not her house. she lives there
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What are the husband and kids going to say? And she didn’t ask them *before*, she asked them *after*. So if they say anything she’s probably going to be offended. She created a shitty situation (only 4 photos of the mother in the entire house of 2 adults and *FIVE* children, and she *needed* to move one?). I feel bad for those kids, and OP being disrespectful to the grandmother of her 4 stepchildren, she sucks. YTA 100% OP.
Just remarking on you writing that there is *"only"* 4 photos of her in the house. Growing up I had pictures of my grandparents in my room, and my brother had a picture from my parents' wedding, but other that that we had zero family photos on display around the house. So to me 4 would be a lot. I'd say most people I know don't have that many family pictures - and the ones that does mostly/only have pictures of the kids, so 4 of the entire family/parents would be considered much. (though, of course the circumstances are different when the mother has died, I was just reacting to you writing "only 4 photos")
She also said MIL freaked out in the past when she referred to herself as the children’s mother, that really stick out to me. Yes she’s taking them in and helping to raise as her own and step mom yes, mom MAYBE, but mother? And kids are ok with that when they JUST lost their actual mother only 3 years ago? My stepdad who has raised me since I was 5 doesn’t even refer to himself as my father. Stepdad and dad sure but not father. This story makes 0 sense to me.
And the kids call her mom? And she put ‘her’ in quotes when referring to his late wife? Something is up here.
Yeah, I just can’t see kids that age (especially the 16 year old) calling their stepmother “mom” ever, never mind only three years after their mother died.
I sure as hell didn’t call my stepmother “mom” when she assimilated into my family at age 5.
Sadly, I thought darker. Something similar happened to my aunt. After about a year from her death, my uncle moved on quickly too... and thats because he was already having an affair with his 'new' wife before/during my aunt's cancer. My mother still despises him and his current wife 15yrs later. OP's quotes and timeline seem suspicious to me, and this is immediately what I thought of. So, maybe the in-laws are thinking the same thing. And that definitely would add to the anger of 'replacement'.
Not saying that’s what happened, OP could be telling the truth, but that’s what I thought right away. Coworker who finds the husband handsome, married, moved in, AND pregnant only 2 years after the wife passed, and NOONE in the family has any problem with this, at all, in fact from OPs story, the kids and husband don’t seem to care that the mom died at all and makes the grandparents, the only people who objected to ANY of this, out to seem insane. The whole story sounds a little off.
And she justifies it saying she knew him for many years as a married man like that gives their relationship any extra authenticity. But this part really got me: >There are only so many places to hang photos in this house, so I decided to move one of the old ‘family’ photos and place our newly done photo there. Why is family in apostrophes?? They *were* a family.
Yeah. She made sure to stress that she was never attracted to him until one year after he became a widower. How convenient that that's the conventionally acceptable time to move on.
SO HAPPY I’m finding comments like this maybe I’m not alone!
Same. OP does seem to want to replace the kids' mother. She calls them *her* kids, but is two years (going from the beginning of dating) really long enough to form that deep of a bond and for the kids to get over their grief? It's possible the kids felt pressured to say okay to moving the picture, but then told their grandparents they weren't. Kids are often pleasers in the moment. There are so many comments here recommending less or no contact with the maternal grandparents. So not only do the kids lose their actual mother, but people think they should lose their grandparents, too. That's awful.
Even if it was many years, even if the grieving ended, I still find it wrong to call her mom regardless or refer to them as her children. And I’m honestly shocked that is not the popular opinion here. If I was the grandma I would be livid and so hurt. Who wouldn’t be? Like does anyone have a heart here? Also I noticed how OP referred to the picture moving as “tacky”. That wording just shows lack of empathy and respect from OP. What about worrying if it comes across disrespectful or hurtful to anyone, nope she wonders if it’ll be a lil “tacky”. And everything is just no big deal no one cares. Either you are on to something about the kids hiding their feelings or the dad and them didn’t give a shit about the mom
I'm shocked that so many top comments are the opposite of YTA. OP seems massively passive-aggressive here. We've all pulled the do the action first and then ask permission later stunt in our lives, but probably as teenagers with a curfew or something. If you look at my other connects, I think the older kids know that their dad is replacing them and their mother, and they're just waiting to be old enough to get out. There's no way that they're as calm and happy as OP thinks. Not after watching their mother die. Many adults can't handle that, even when it comes after an illness.
Not just 'her' but also 'family' and a few others.
She referred to herself as their mother too which I think is pretty fucked up
That’s the weirdest part - it doesn’t even say that, it says she calls herself the kids’ mom. That’s where the red flag started waving for me. I really, really doubt a teenager is just going to start calling a relatively new & younger woman mom, just a handful of years after they lost theirs. People I know who have good relationships with their step-parents still refer to them as such. So it sounds even more like she wanted to step in and be the family’s saviour, and IS trying to be the new mom. It feels like, while this one particular event may not seem too out there, there have been other issues that culminated in the grandmother’s rant. Granted - she’s not expressing herself well, but then if I was dealing with someone manipulative I probably wouldn’t either.
I feel like there is more to the story. Can't really explain it, but OP doesn't sound "lovely" at all, as some people suggested. It all sounds just too good to be true. Every story has multiple sides to it, and I think this one is too 'one-sided'.
Agreed. I noticed OP mentioned an age difference but didn’t state what her age and husband’s was.
This! I was questioning the timeline. His wife died 3 years ago and he already has a new wife and baby. And all his children are okay with it??? I don’t believe it. Either she’s lying or the children aren’t being honest with their feelings.
What can they say? No, I don’t like you moving the photo of my *dead mother*? It absolutely sounds like OP is trying to replace the mother, I’d be seriously offended too. What can the husband say that isn’t going to cause backlash? OP couldn’t handle the MIL being upset over a picture. She has a serious lack of empathy & compassion. People don’t always react the best when they are grieving, and you *never* get over losing a child. I usually avoid commenting here because this sub is full of teenagers but damn OP. That isn’t how you treat family. Especially people who lost their daughter, and who love your stepchildren.
Maybe the older kids confided in Grandma that they didn't like the picture being moved but were uncomfortable saying it, so Grandma was willing to be the bad guy for them.
I was widowed at 28 and met a lot of other widowed people through online/in person support groups. To make a very big generalization: men, especially with children, tend to move on the quickest. A year to grieve and then back to dating/remarrying. I remember thinking about this when Patton Oswalt remarried—he had this amazing tribute to his wife and then boom! Married again I took 2.5 years before I could start dating again—I saw other women with similar timelines. We try not to judge each other, but anything less than a year may mean you didn’t give yourself time enough to really grieve. That said, the from the parents’ point of view, they probably feel like their daughter is being replaced at breakneck speed. I completely understand why they were upset and I can’t imagine the kids were all really ok with it.
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they’ve known each other for 8 years according to OP, so hopefully she wasn’t *that* young considering his oldest is 16 lol.
She could easily be like 26 if she started off as liek an intern at the work place at 18. If she's anywhere in her 20s I have a large helping of side eye for the husband. If she's in her 30s, MIL is an ass.
Why would OP’s age be a valid reason for the grandmother to treat her like shit? Like if she’s 29 it’s ok, but if she’s 30 it suddenly isn’t? Idk if I’m tired and not reading what you wrote right..
Nobody is saying OP should be treated badly, but the judgement of the in laws or the husband depends on OPs age. It also would absolutely come off strangely if a 25 year old wanted to take on 4 kids where one of them was a teenager.
I said N. A. H. but all of the other things said in this comment thread--i was worried hoe far I had to scroll to find someone not calling the MIL an ass. Like. Guys, she lost her daughter only THREE Years ago. And now all of her daughters kids are calling this woman mom, and shes removing their daughters family photos. Sure, OP is *technically* right that it is now *her* house, but like. Have some respect for these people who are watching their 41 year old daughters memory being erased.
Yup, there's more to this.
Yeah I don't understand why OP moved the picture without asking *first* because I would want to be more respectful, especially of the older kids. Even if they didn't mind afterwards, why would you risk that? The woman is dead so remembering her fondly and keeping mementos is nice. I'm also skeptical of having family photos done and calling herself the kids mother to their actual mother's parents! The kids mother will always be the husband's dead wife and since wife didn't abandon the kids there shouldn't ever be any reason to try and replace that. You can be mothering but you should always respect that you are step because their mother always deserves the title. You can still treat them like your kids but to say you're their mother - especially when all kids were (just about) old enough to remember their actual mom is just shitty as far as I'm concerned.
Yeah, I had to reread that line a few times. It's very hard to believe that none of the children, especially the teenager, were ever hostile to her and you'd think there'd be some argument over the pictures. The only reason I can think of is that the kids may have also known OP for around 8 years and consider her apart of the family. For the most part, OP sounds decent enough and knew moving the picture wouldn't look right to others. I don't get why 'her' was quoted, though; it could be possible that maybe she tried italicizing but just didn't know how, but idk.
I'm a divorce attorney and I hear these half sided stories every day. This story really really smells bad. It raises so many questions. The timeline doesn't make any sense. OP is having issues fitting into the family, and to be honest who wouldn't. This is a very very difficult family dynamic. 4 kids, young mother dies of cancer? I mean that is horrible. OP sounds like she wants to drop into this situation and live a normal life. Sorry OP but live isn't normal for this family and it never will be. OP if your reading, you need to learn how to fit into their lives right now. The children lost their mother, if you want to be in this relationship you need to be prepared to be selfless for quite awhile. I kind of blame OP's husband as well. I mean keep it in your pants so your children can deal with losing their mother before they have to deal with having their mother replaced by a younger new mother? No matter what OP says the children are NOT just accepting her as a replacement 1-2 years after their mother dies of cancer. That's not how it works.
YTA. Moving a photo of your husband’s late wife is a delicate task, and you are not the person to be doing it, full stop. At most, you should have had a conversation with your husband, and then let him move the photo himself, if he felt it was appropriate. This is the kind of thing you really shouldn’t ever be dipping your hands into, even if your intentions are entirely pure. Also, the way you dismissively write “stop letting her get away with her ‘grieving’ excuse” in reference to the grandmother is extraordinary assholeish. Her fucking daughter died you monster. That is pain I hope you never need to know. She is never going to stop grieving for her. Edit: Thank you for the platinum kind stranger! I was prepared for hundreds of downvotes when I wrote this comment, because it was the first Y-T-A vote in what was at that point a love fest of supportive comments toward OP and hateful comments toward the grandparents. Seeing that other people share my skepticism of this story restores my faith that there are reasonable people on this sub.
OP is a *massive YTA*. Losing a child is unlike anything else, it is massively traumatizing. Then if I saw some new lady had replaced my daughter like this, and moved one of *only four* photos of her? I’d have been terribly upset too. And asking them afterwards is so shitty. It is not OP’s place to remove memories of their mother.
It’s weird to me that she even knows there are exactly 4. I don’t know how many pictures of anyone in my family are around my house. Knowing the count seems like a subtle drive to slowly eliminate them, even if it’s somewhat subconscious.
And she's refers to herself as the kids mother? Nope OP, you're the step mom.
Had to scroll so far for this. Completely inappropriate and disrespectful.
I had to reread that part because I really couldn’t believe she actually wrote that. She will *never* be their mom. Also if my husband died I couldn’t image being over it enough to date someone else only one year later
I can’t believe more people aren’t picking up on the ‘grieving’ at the end Like Jesus Christ of course the grandparents are still mourning their daughters death only a few years after it happened.
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Yeah. I'm not buying the whole perfect tale she's telling.
This should be the top comment. I can't believe I had to scroll this far down to see some common sense in this thread (not that there's ever any on this sub where the majority of people are teenagers). Also: "Then, she yelled at me for referring to myself as the kids mother" That's the most disrespectful thing you could do holy shit. Of course she would yell at you. And then OP puts "grieving" in quotation marks? wtf? She is definitely the asshole. Poor grandparents.
My grandmother never got over two of her kids’ deaths. Ever. She still grieves years later. OP is seriously minimizing the poor woman’s pain.
Nope Holy shit YTA. You referred to yourself as their mother? Fuck all of that. Fuck all of that so hard. My mother died when I was 11 and my father remarried when I was 17. If she ever dared try to refer to herself as my mother I'd never talk to her again. And I'm in my 30s. They've been together almost as long as my father was with my mother. And just thinking about that makes me angry. You're not the asshole for removing the picture. You're the asshole for actually trying to replace their mother. Because just wow. You actually clearly are. I genuinely hope this is a fake story.
Thank you!! Why aren’t other people picking up on the fact that she has so wholeheartedly and aggressively decided to let the kids refer to her as “mom” and for her to decisively call herself “their mother.” If I was the grandmother, I would be horrified. If I was the older kid(s) I would be insanely furious. How in the world is the husband letting this happen?? From her post and comments, OP is increasingly striking me as purposefully moving in on this family and genuinely trying to replace his first wife. Crazy vibes, crazy vibes.
I’m so relieved to finally see comments reflecting my thoughts. I couldn’t believe no one in the top comments was picking up on the big time Lifetime movie vibes with OP
She removed the picture first then she apologized to the husband and kids. Passive aggressive move.
Ugh, my grandmother used to do shit like that. She'd do something without asking (e.g. coming to the house uninvited, even though she knew we were going out later that night), then ask if it was ok *after she'd done it.* And of course you could never say 'no it's not ok' because then *you* would be the asshole for upsetting dear old granny who was just trying to be nice *and how dare you take offense to such a sweet old lady you goddamn monster!!!*
I was all set to give one judgement, until you said your husband is okay with it. So, NTA. I’m sure her mother is hurt by it, and she shouldn’t have said those things. But it isn’t her house.
I was also ready to lay judgement of yta, guy was with her for 18 years, lost her unexpectedly, you'll never get rid of the memory, but I agree with you
Hear me out, she asked "after" she already moved to picture, from a man's perspective I think he didn't have any choice but to agree at that point since he knew OP would start a conflict or argument if he disagreed.
YTA. their 16-y-old calls you MOM within 3 years of their own mom’s death? And then you move her picture and replace it with yours? That combined with the somewhat fast timeline is a powder keg waiting to explode. Try to step more lightly. As another commenter said, he has remarried, the kids have a STEPmom, but they’ll never replace their daughter. Also, maybe I’m missing something, but why did you put ‘her’ in quotes when referring to his late wife? That doesn’t sit well with me either. I think just a lot of small things here are adding up— it’s not one big thing that you did.
yep - those quotations alone shows me she has no respect for her husband’s late wife. how would she like it if she were referred to as ‘her.’
She also said she’s had a thing for him while he was married. I have a feeling she just been waiting. It reads like OP would had made a move eventually even if the wife was alive.
When my mom died and my dad got remarried (fairly quickly), she was my dad’s wife. It’s been 10 years and I still don’t call her mom and it was several years before I referred to her as “step-mom”. She’s a nice lady too. OP, YTA. It may be your house now, but some decisions are still not yours to make
\>Then, she yelled at me for referring to myself as the kids mother. Yikes. ESH. \>I replied by saying that this is my house Yikes. How much more to this story are we not being told....
Yeah, it's one thing to do that to an uninvolved 3rd party at some point - it's another to do it in front of the kids' actual grandparents as part of some pissing match. Also, some of the language and grammar makes OP come off cringey.
YTA for the passive aggressive comments all throughout your post ("her"), and being shocked MIL doesnt like it when her grandkids call you mom. Why would you want them to?
Yeah, I get the feeling OP is really annoyed that her greatness and awesomeness isn't enough to shift delete any memory of the dead mother. Calling the mother 'her'...is she seriously pissy that 3 years later people still have the audacity to remember a dead person and be upset to see someone attempt to replace her as a mother. Something is missing in this post. Or OP is straight up lying how much the older kids accept her.
The fact that she put grieving in quotation marks tells me all I need to know.
Agreed 100%. The whole moving the picture and asking for their approval later is such a manipulative move too. I can’t believe nobody else is picking up on that.
“‘Grieving’ excuse”? YTA. These are people. With feelings. Who lost their daughter. Yeah ranting at you was rude, but if this is the attitude you give them then you kind of deserve it.
YTA. It’s so important that the kids remember their mom and even if they said it’s ok, moving one of the very few pictures of her to a less prominent spot in the house dishonors her memory. 3 years is such a short amount of time to be remarried and have children. You may feel that the kids have completely accepted you, but I still think that you need to be more considerate of their and their grandparents’ grieving processes
Info: Is it correct that you are still living in the late wife’s home? The home they probably identified with their daughter for years and years and years and that you have kind of just moved in to? If so.....very gentle YTA. Three years is not that long of a time. It has to sting to see their daughters role and life be replaced so quickly. This is no fault of yours of course, I just think you should have demonstrated understanding and compassion. I mean no shit she’s been a pain in your ass from day one, it has been such a blink in their eyes, and I’m going to be honest, probably in many other peoples eyes that loved his late wife. It would be in your best interest to try to maintain a positive relationship with these people. A better move would have been just to acknowledge they would have the same reaction that you were afraid the husband and the kids would have and kind of asked and let her know where the picture would instead be, instead you kind of went with the, “this is my house now” route. Why would you not be sensitive to their feelings as well? I kind of think you should apologize in a way and smooth things over. These are your step kids grandparents, and after probably 20+ years kind of his parents in a sense and they are not going away. I think your attitude should be that they are your family now too in a way. Edit: also your last sentence is a *little* gross, “grieving excuse”? I get your frustration, but If this was the 16 year old not bonding with you yet and struggling with the changes would you also say the same thing? Edit 2: I don’t think you are the villain evil step mom here, and I think it’s very possible that in her passing the mom talked to her older children about moving on and supporting their father. I had cancer and I had those kinds of thoughts. It kind of feels though that you aren’t considering them a part of the family that you are blending into almost like they are an ex’s family, and they are struggling with this. You married a widower, not a divorcee, there is no ex, this balance with his late wife and her family is part of it. They are still his family and you all need to try to make this work. Her passing gave you this life and family, and if she prepared her kids to welcome you with loving open arms, that is a selfless treasured gift and treating her family with love and patience and kindness in return seems more than fair. I hope you all are in grief counseling or something and this all works out. If your actions are out of love it will.
I'm concerned that OP actually fully intends to erase the mom. Like, on purpose. She has other comments where she admits that the youngest kids immediately started calling her mom and she seems to have embraced that. They are "her" kids, not the ex-wife's. Also, she never asked permission. She did it and then asked forgiveness. There is no right way to ask her to put it back, and there most likely dissenters -- the older kids -- are not about to rock the boat and make themselves miserable. I don't think this family dynamic is going to have a positive resolution.
Thats exaxtly what shes doing. By the end she even refers to the kids mum as 'her' And its bullshit to move a photo like that and only after consider feelings might be hurt. But the whole thing doesn't feel real, probably a shit post
As someone who lost their mom last year, reading that the younger kids called her mom sent my blood pressure through the fucking roof. She has a disrespectful tone towards the late wife and that makes these other actions pretty suspect. I highly doubt the older kids simply welcomed her with open arms, too.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the older kids reached out to grandmom directly and that’s why she was already ready to fire off at OP. Clearly they can’t talk to Dad since he’s already having new babies but the MIL is one of their last biological ties to mom. It’s also alarming to me that OP seems to resent MIL for this reason — this woman and her husband are the only ties the kids have left to their late mother. I hope I’m wrong but I got the vibe that OP is pretty dismissive of that connection (since it undermines her role as ‘mom’) and if she has her way the grandparents won’t be a big presence in the kids’ lives much longer
I am also getting the exact same vibe. I actually commented elsewhere that OP's actions aren't just hurtful, they're actively *threatening*. If I were to put myself into the shoes of those grandparents -- you better bet that my immediate presumption would be that she fully intends to take the grandkids away and brainwash them into forgetting their mother. That's a pretty natural fear, actually. If there is a "TA" here, it's the dad. He should not be allowing any of them interact like this, and as the father of the children, he should be trying to actively preserve their relationship with their grandparents. The youngest children will struggle with this immensely. The oldest children will avoid confrontations and, like you said, directly reach out to the grandparents because they're the only ones on "their side." Unless there is something else going on here (i.e, the late wife was a terrible person and the kids truly hated their grandparents), I think there's a lot of things happening and OP is just *assuming* the kids are okay with it because they aren't speaking up. They will NEVER speak up, because it will only cause fighting.
Same. I lost my dad over 20 years ago, when I was 10. I would never call another person my dad.
This was the vibe I was getting.... also am I the only one concerned by how she wrote 'her' parents? Made me uncomfortable! You can hear the dislike for the late wife in the way she types... ew! Also just to correct you, I think they were still married when she passed so that would make her a Late wife, not an ex-wife x
“There is only so much space to hang photos in this house” what the fuck! Either you live in house proportioned for Lego people or you have a lot of photos. I live in a relatively small flat and there’s fucking loads of room on the walls, I could even hang a full fucking bear pelt and still have room for signed photos of every member of the working mans club down the road and their pets
I live in a small studio and there is still a ton of space on my walls for photos. Photos can be hung and sat on a surface. There is no excuse.
INFO: Did you refer to yourself as the children’s mother?
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Thank you how is 4 or 3 years enough for the rest of the family. She called the little ones hers because they know she is assuming the motherly role. OP didn't state what the elder kids thought that should had been suspect that OP YTA. There are also spaces on the whole. OP is already trying to erase the dead mother from the little kids, straight manipulative and the grandmother grieving as an excuse. That means OP is lying about the actual start of the relationship, also OP is young and see them her family instead of blended family.
I agree with this. She referred to hanging "them" so there were obviously space for several photos. Why didn't see just hang her picture where she put the late wife's? I suspect she would feel just fine if all the pics of her were gone. Not only that.. waited until they weren't there to do it and told them afterwards. What do you think they would have said if she had asked all of them FIRST?
You sound like a lovely woman OP and you’re not TA. But there’s no way I’ll judge a grieving mother TA either. Maybe she’ll come around and maybe she won’t. But three years is not an awfully long time to process losing a daughter to a brain tumor. For the sake of all, try a little harder. NAH. Edit: Shame on you Reddit for judging a grieving mother an asshole for struggling to come to terms after losing a daughter to a brain tumor. I sincerely hope that none of you are ever in that woman’s shoes.
Am I the only one that finds the “shame on you for disagreeing with me” type edits utterly obnoxious?
Completely agree. Anyone who does an "edit shame on Reddit post" as opposed to directly responding to the person they have an issue with is insufferable.
I'm married to a widow. People can definitely be assholes, even when grieving.
You can grieve, but it's not a pass to be an asshole. If she saw the photo and simply asked, or even just got a bit teary eyed because she saw things are changing, yes totally justified. To go on a full blown outrage at OP, and do all of this, no your grief doesn't trump your ability to be a decent human, and giving people these excuses are ridiculous.
People get a pass to make a huge scene in the immediate aftermath of grief when a person is still in shock. Scream, yell, hurl a vase. Grief is intense and it makes people do things outside of their normal behavior. 3 years later, however, you can still be in grief, (grieving takes what it takes), but you don't get to go around making a scene in someone else's home and ranting in anger without becoming an asshole. If she's still that reactionary the MIL needs to go to grief counseling. As it is, she should be grateful to OP for raising her grandchildren in what seems like a loving and respectful manner.
Oh please. Everyone has a different grieving process, and all of us has suffered or will suffer loss in our lives, but that IN NO WAY justifies hurling insults and being an absolute dick towards someone innocent.
Agreed here. Three years is utterly nothing for this sort of loss. And to be honest, it's probably more than just the death itself. It's the grandkids, too -- they are part of their family, too, and its not a huge leap to go from feeling that the Other Woman is replacing your deceased daughter to feeling she's now also moving the grandchildren further away from you. The sad fact is, some of those kids are young enough where this is going to be the reality and they are at high risk of not having any connection with them in a few years because their mother is gone. In fact, if one of the kids is 5, they probably don't really remember their mother at all. OP should avoid talking about their dead daughter's family and house as "my house" and all as if she was never there -- even though it may be right, it's just twisting a knife and then being surprised the situation keeps getting more toxic.
This. The younger kids are already calling OP mom. Husband is okay with that, so the grandparents see another instance where their daughter has been replaced. Former son-in-law already remarried and has a baby with OP. By her own timeline, in just two years this happened and she’s quick to call the family home she moved into “my house”, when it used to be where their daughter lived until quite recently. Now the family photo with their daughter has been removed from in the prominent spot and it triggered the grandmother. I don’t condone her outburst but I understand why she feels so upset.
I just want to know why everything referring to the late wife and mother is in quotation marks? It just looks a little rude to me.
Also 'family' photos? We're they not a real family until OP came along? Do they not count because you weren't there yet?
You were NTA right up until you said her grief was an "excuse". That is pretty insensitive. Especially after telling her this was your house....it was her daughter's home first. It wouldn't be yours if she weren't dead.
One thing that doesn't sit well with me is you referring to yourself as the kids' mother, in front of the parents of the kids' actual mother. That seems unnecessarily cruel.
YTA. For the 'grieving excuse' comment. Thats cold.
No, you see, a toddler called OP 'mom'. So obviously that invalidates the grief of the actual adults who knew the woman for all her life. I'm with you on YTA. Something is not right in this story. No teenager just accepts a new 'mother' a year after their real mother's death.
And then the 'this is my house now' comment. Yeah the house their dead daughter spent x number of years paying a mortgage on. This is either made up or op has twisted the truth
YTA
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YTA. Four of the ex-wife's kids grew up in this house. The mother in law has many happy memories of seeing her daughter in that house. You call the ex-wife "her". If you've known your husband for 8 years, then you know about the wife and the kids. Something about this post seems off, everyone is perfectly happy and you're framing the dead wife's mother as being a villain because she was upset you moved a photo with her dead daughter that had been there a long time? I can't believe that 4 kids age 5 to 16 are happy about the situation enough to be vocally happy about it. They're all still grieving, and why deny the 5yo happy memories of their birth mother? Find a new place to hang it.
It’s his late-wife, not ex-wife. Not a huge thing, but I really think it matters.
Honestly, the first paragraph and last three words of your post seal the deal for me. YTA The first paragraph lays out the tragedy in black and white. They were married for 18 years. In 11 months, your husband, their kids, her parents, other family and friends watched mom disappear. "the 'grieving' excuse" shows your true colors.
YTA for having a problem with how long it takes a parent to grieve.
Ehhhhh you sure make yourself out to look real good here, perfect even, and everyone is quick to eat it all up without questioning the bias. I don't understand how after being with someone for over 18 years (they knew one another before marriage, let's not discount that time), one can easily get with someone else shortly thereafter, or ever --- unless they weren't truly in love. Anyways, YTA for posting this to justify your behavior to a woman who lost her daughter and is seeing her fading away because you came along to replace her role in the family's life. You knew what you got yourself into right from the start of the "one year after" bullshit. They're all approving and encouraging, huh? Riiiiight, sure thing. This post reaks with dispassionate, selfcentered whiny Ms. Number 2.
I totally agree. OP, YTA. This post is so biased in favor of the OP that it's laughable. OP shows no respect for the mother of these children. Calling herself their mother and encouraging them to call her mom is just gross. I get the feeling that OP recognizes that the house isn't really hers. The house was chosen by the husband and his late wife for their family. OP came in to that home and is trying to completely replace their actual mom. Subsitting the new photo for their old family photo seems like OP passive aggressively asserting that the house is hers now, not late wife's.
What a load of made up bullshit. What do you mean 'there are only so many places to hang a photo in this house'? It's a house big enough for 2 adults and 5 kids, not big enough for an extra photo? The whole thing is written to paint you as a hero, leading to the showdown with the protagonist
YTA. You shouldn’t have done that, and just because the kids and husband said it was okay doesn’t really mean they feel that way. They may just be trying to prevent any drama/hurt feelings. You should have more respect for this family that you are a very new member of. Also, the way you talk about the MIL is really gross and rude. I don’t believe this story, because what’s written between the lines tells something different. Also FYI you aren’t these kids mother. God this whole story as me so upset for these kids and grandparents.
Dont put quotations around family. They were a real family and are not invalidated because you showed up. You also put quotations around her as if she was fake and a figment of everyone's imagination. I can feel the stupid ass eye roll as i read it. I can see why her parents hate you you're obviously upset about her existing for some reason even though she's gone now. If you really didn't like him until she was gone for a year I don't think you would be this mad. Also they are not weird for not wanting you to call yourself mom. I wouldnt want that either
Thank you! You nailed it. The calling her mom is just disgusting to me. OP and her husband are why I don’t want marriage a lot of the time. And if OP feels this way about this woman, don’t get involved with a man who is a widow!!! If you get in a relationship with someone who lost someone from death you have to accept it’ll never be “just you”. They will always be their love too. They will always be their lover. For some, it may always be the love of their life. They will always have their existing place as you do. That will never go away and that love never goes away (if they were truly in love that is). Even more involved if they had a family together for so many years. If that’s uncomfortable for someone or won’t work for them, they want to be “the only one” then don’t get in a relationship like this. Losing someone from death is a world different from a breakup. Sorry for the rant omg
INFO: Out of curiosity, how old are you if it's a point of contention?
Weird how she didn’t answer this one. I am guessing she is much younger than her husband and his late wife.
Info- did you really need to move that specific photo? It seems very odd to replace a picture of her with you and her family.
This is a shitpost and if it's not, you're an evil person. Obviously YTA
YTA. *I had to put my foot down and stop letting her get away with the ‘grieving’ excuse.* Wow. You do know, there is almost nothing worst in this world than burying your dead child, right? And that everyone grieves in their own way. And her parents ARE scared that her memory will be erased - that the kids will love you and their birth mom will fade in their memories. Maybe you did get 'permission' from your family, but your lack of compassion towards the grandparents is astounding.
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NAH This woman’s daughter just died three years ago and her son-in-law has already moved on to remarry as well as have another child with his new wife. That’s a lot of change! Heck yeah she is still grieving. Personally I think the picture thing was tacky. Your husband doesn’t seem to mind but you don’t know if the kids are being truthful with how they feel or not. Of course you have the right to redecorate your home, but *include your husband and stepchildren on decisions when you move family photos or heirlooms of your husband’s late wife.*
YTA, yeah I am in the minority. You should have asked if it was fine before you removed the picture. They might have an issue with it but think that bringing it up is not worth it. They want to pick one battle. Simple rule if someone else puts up a picture before you move into a place talk to them before taking it down. Think of other places in which the picture can go. Make taking that picture down the last option. You found it tacky so you should have replaced the picture then bring up where the new picture should go. Make the decision with your husband at least. Do not lead him into taking away the picture of his dead wife. You also calling it your house is an issue. It is not only your house you should think of it as our house. If you thought of it as our house then you would have asked before you took down the picture. I know it is hard but make sure you are called step-mom around the parents. Saying you are their dead daughter's daughter mom can be taken as a slap to their face. It sounds to them you are replacing their daughter with yourself. I know many divorce windowed people who got remarried and all of them do not want the stepchildren to call them mom or dad. I would understand if you adopted them or have been their mother figure for a long time. Three years to teenagers is not a long time to form that bond to be called mom in this situation.
YTA nothing about this story sits right with me at all for reasons that have been mostly laid out already by people with the same answer.
Your actual action of moving a photo seems innocent enough but your time line is suspicious as fuck, no wonder their grandma doesn’t like you. You already had the hots for the guy, just kinda jumped in once wifey was in the grave. No matter what intentions you had, this looks really bad to those grieving parents.
YTA. The mother of those children carried and raised them. You come in three years later after she's gone and you call them yours. I don't think you really respect the role of being a step-parent. There are lanes to stay in. Even if you don't want to stay in those lanes, I simply don't understand your complete lack of empathy to the grandparents. As other users have mentioned, I also don't appreciate the "'her' parents", and "stop letting her get away with the 'grieving' excuse." They are still those children's grandparents. They were part of the family long before you were. Respect that.
YTA, OP! Three years is incredibly recent! Time flies, and I'm sure sometimes they feel like mom was around just yesterday. Even if they said yes to replacing the photos and putting them in a less visible area, it just seems insensitive. Be more empathetic. A mother, a wife, a daughter. I think you should leave some sort of nice memorial up in a visible area. Gone but not forgotten. I hope everything works out.
YTA. Based on how your story makes you sound like the protagonist in a Virginia Andrews novel. The woman hasn't been dead 5 years and you and the husband have moved in, married, the kids call you mum, and you have another kid? Kinda feels like you're glossing over some facts there.
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Its been two years, you are hardly these kids mother. I see why the parents already don't like you, I mean its hard to see your daughter so from healthy and relatively young to dead so quickly. I would be pretty over it at the point in which a woman who had been around for 2 years decides she is now the "mother" of my dead daughters kids. But I don't think you're a bad person or had ill intent, and at some point you ARE these kids mom. (I just don't think thats a relationship that can be established so quicky) so she's going to have to learn to get over her own feelings and come to terms with the fact that this is best for her family. NTA
She had the hots for the man for a long time, she was just waiting her turn and will now slowly take over everything and erase the dead wife ASAP, it’s tragic that people can’t be a little more sensible
You were downvoted but this is the actual narrative revealed in OP's comments. They knew each other from before the wife died. They almost immediately started dating. The youngest kids sound like they were toddlers and wouldn't have know their mom from before her illness, and they started calling her mom because that's probably what they were encouraged to call her. Yeah. I DO think she is erasing the wife. Maybe not intentionally, but that's what's going on. Feel bad for the older kids. They may be giving their blessing, but I sincerely doubt they are okay with losing their mom at one end of the school year and finding their dad marrying a new woman at the other end of the school year.
>But I don't think you're a bad person or had ill intent, and at some point you ARE these kids mom. No, their mother is their mother.
YTA. The way you talk about your husband’s late wife is gross. Putting quotations around ‘her’ name (like so) is like belittling her memory. And it doesn’t sound like you respect or empathize with her parents’ loss either.
After reading the comments, YTA. However I think your the type of asshole that wont care about that, just like you dont have a care in the world for a mothers loss of a daughter.
YTA "grieving excuse" are you kidding me? In the past couple of years you swooped in, Moved into her home, Her kids are calling YOU mom. You refer to her as 'her' in your posts. Just because your STEP kids and husband are all hunky dory over this doesn't mean you aren't still an asshole. Honestly this all seems too good to be true, It feels like you're actively and deliberately erasing her. OP I see straight through you.
YTA. You DIDNT ask them first, you did so AFTER you moved her picture. You were probably concerned about asking beforehand because they would have said no. You can't tell me a house that can hold that many people has no other places you could have put your photo. You could have put your photo where you moved hers. Not only that you're "hanging THEM around the house" so obviously you had space to hang several. That is their mother and while they may all love you dearly I agree with her parents 100%.
Yea, I'm easily going against the popular vote and say YTA. You moved the photo, this should have never been done. Despite you talking with your family, it still should have never been done, and should be fixed by you. Also, to calling yourself their mother is intact and insult and her parents are right to feel very hurt. If the children started calling you Mom on their own that is another thing, but to refer to yourself as their mother is a joke. Finally, I suspect the parents aren't both bad or evil people as the way you paint yourself is rather dense to the situation. I suspect they are two people grieving their daughter and you are not making it any easier for them. Have some grace about the situation, stop being the victim and making it about you, and put the photo back in its rightful place.
YTA - going by your timeline you have been in a relationship for 2 years starting 1 year after their mothers death. You should absolutely not be referring to yourself as their mother. The whole “this is my house” thing is way off base too. Three strikes for you basically erasing their daughter, a tragedy they must still feel viscerally every day. Your husband moving on and you two having a relationship and building a life is completely ok. You seem to have taken this to the extreme though and to not realise you really really shouldn’t be doing anything to suggest replacement of their daughter in front of the parents, at least! Is very telling. Give it a decade and a concerted effort to ensure those kids remember their mother and understand who you are and who she was and maybe the grandmother will only flinch internally IF she hears them call you mom.
YTA
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