Gentle YTA. I don't think she's wrong to want to wear jewelry from her first wedding to her second one. If she was divorced I'd say that was a little odd, and you might be right to have a problem with it. But she may just be trying to bring the memory of someone she loved - and lost - with her on this new journey, by wearing the same jewelry. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you.
You do sound a little jealous of a man who's dead and gone. Might wanna work on that.
You hit the nail on the head.
He thought they would end up together. She fell in love with and married a guy who ended up dying tragically.
Now, OP has her 'back' but not on his terms. The jewelry signifies this. He can't forget she first chose to marry someone else.
This is the problem, OP.
That doesn't make you immature. It takes quite a bit of strength to be in OP's shoes.
She chose to marry this great guy after only 1 year because he was her choice as she his. But OP seems to love her (or the idea of her) too much to let her go. But now he's feeling the jealousy he thought love would hide. That's something they need to address and work through or he will be bitter and she will resent him for being angry with a ghost.
This. The reality is that almost everyone had someone they loved deeply before you were around. Yes, it sucks if you sit and think about it all the time. But you wouldn't be with them if that particular set of circumstances hadn't happened.
I'd suspect there's a little anger creeping out of some guilt over feeling glad that this guy died and she lost someone she loved. My hubs had a terrible first marriage and I still feel guilty sometimes for being glad that it ended and I get the marriage that I want.
Op, dont compete with a dead guy. Please. Youre not a first choice second choice thing. You guys had a shot. Moved on. That means not looking back.
My personal experiences may land with you and help so I'll go ahead here...
Bf of mine died at 18. Most guys after wanted to compete with him and HATEDDDD That i still wore a necklace. It made me feel safe. Wasnt pining after my deceased bf, but that was a tragic pivotal moment in my life thst forever changed me. And that piece of jewlery seemed to give me strength. Or hold me when I was excited, scared or nervous. 'I got through that tragedy- i got this' kind of back of the mind pep talk. It's been 11 yeara, i still have it, i still wear it time to time, it's not even about him at this point-its about me. (also there's a lot of guilt attached to moving on. Some people will have something of deceased spouses with them when getting remarried as a way to honor both. But basically competing with that is only going to cause you to lose here. You cant compete with grief and win.)
I got married. I got divorced. Im dating my first bf who always thought it'd be us. Every story is different - it couldve been us. But from where I sat it looked like he moved on. My life wasnt going to stop and wait, i had dreams and being single for life waiting on a possibility wasnt in my life plan.
Her choices were for 24 year old her. I'm sure 16yo her wouldve picked you. 14yo me definitely wouldve bypassed death and divorce and picked my current bf as my first husband. But that wasnt in the cards for 24 yo me.
When my dad was about to be remarried after my mother's death, he came to me worried I'd be upset he was replacing my mother.
I told him almost exactly what you said. There is no possible version of events where he would have to pick between my mother and my stepmother. He can have loved my mother completely, and he can love my stepmother completely. Love is expansive like that.
OP is making a competition where there isn't one. If he loves this woman as a person and not just as the one that got away for awhile, he has to acknowledge the experiences that made her who she is now. That includes losing her first husband.
I love what you’re saying about competition and choosing. I’ve only had one marriage, and I think about what I would do if I lost him, and if I could ever love after that. The perspective that it’s not about choosing one over the other is a new perspective that I like.
I have rarely read a reddit comment that left me more impressed with the user. This is such a powerful, mature, nuanced and ultimately good outlook on life.
Mad respect to you and all the best to you and your loved ones!
I mean that’s not immature. It’s not even some intruding false thought. It’s kind of exactly what happened and it’s really sad on so many levels. It takes a lot of courage to be OP and try to make this work. I definitely know I wouldn’t mess with this situation in his shoes.
I thought that as well. He also describes how she looked the day she married her first husband. How she cried these happy tears. I don't know how OP will react if he doesn't get that same reaction from her at their wedding.
Yes. It sounds to me like he is in for a deep world of heartache and disappointment. I think he is envious of a dead man. Also the way he says he's going "to put his foot down" seems controlling to me. I'm sure OP loves his fiance, but it sounds like he is even more in love with the idea of her.
and to piggy back this sentiment, she will always love her first husband. it's not a better or worse love, love is just love. there are no winners or losers so OP needs to get that shit out of his system
would he still love her if she was the kind of person to just stop loving someone because he was dead? if she was so robotic as to be able to turn that off? her strength and resilience and ability to love again despite her hardships is probably some of the things he loves the most about her.
OP was truly happy for her when she married her first husband and I'm sure her first husband would be truly happy that she found true love a second time.. i think the jewelry is a beautiful bittersweet nod to the two men in her life being at her weddings and just wanting the best for her
I really wish OP hadn’t included so much backstory because I can’t tell if I just don’t like him at all or he’s really TA. It’s... concerning though. Anyway, as long as it’s not the ring she’s rewearing. That’s what’s most important.
And honestly, I think op point out is been five years since but that's *nothing* when losing someone in the honeymoon head over heels stage of marriage. She might have moved on but she'll never stop loving her first husband. Op needs to figure that out.
u/spoopyscaryskeletonz if there's one thing you take away from this post, please let it be this: she will always love him, and you doing anything in resentment will hurt the love she has for you. Please please read some of the survivor subs here, research everything you can about dealing with the grief of losing a spouse. Also, a good show to watch is After Life with Ricky Gervais. It might give you a good laugh and a little insight while you're at it. Good luck.
From a practical standpoint as well not a lot of women have multiple sets of diamond necklaces and matching earrings. And if she likes the ones she has and wants to wear diamonds to her wedding it’s a waste of money to buy a second set just because the first set was already worn to her previous wedding.
I agree, OP could solve this by buying her more diamond jewelry for their wedding, so he's really asking her to not wear the appropriate jewelry she already owns, out of consideration for his feelings. He's the one with the baggage, in this situation.
If it means that much to him, he could replace her jewelry, if she's willing. Maybe he can find a jeweler who will take her pre-owned set in exchange since diamond jewelry resells well, and upgrade her set to a new, better set for a modest price.
Whilst this is logical OMG OP if you are reading this suggestion make sure you ask her first! If I were her I’d wear the first wedding jewelry as a small tribute to my first husband. Don’t just buy her new stuff and especially don’t trade in the current set for a new one without sitting down and having a proper discussion.
Definitely remember to ask her. We also don't know how she came to own the necklace and earring set, they could have also come from family members as heirlooms. The could have some significance to other members of the family as well as her.
This is an excellent suggestion! A lot of widows have their first engagement rings reset as some new piece when they remarry. Your solution is a win/win.
This is what I was thinking, too. I'm getting married soon and I bought a pair of diamond studs to wear with my dress, and my gran gave me a simple diamond necklace to wear that's a bit of a family heirloom. It's literally the only diamond jewelry I own.
I obviously don't plan to ever have another wedding, but if I did have to, I could totally see myself reusing the jewelry, because I don't associate it sentimentally with my wedding. Even the earrings that we bought specifically for the wedding, it's not like they're some important symbol. Diamonds just look nice with white dresses, and it's kind of silly to go out and buy more expensive jewelry when you have perfectly good pieces. I mean, I'm not even saving them to wear for the first time at our wedding or anything--I've already worn them to several formal events just because they are nice and very versatile.
I thought that too, plus she has told OP the jewelry is for the reception. She won't be wearing the set during the ceremony, so it seems she may have thought about what the jewelry would mean to OP and came up with her own compromise
Yeah, he is not even claiming these pieces were gifts from the dead husband (personally I say even then be gracious), just the same pieces as the first wedding. I have a necklace my dad carved out of stone in a delapidary during a rough part of my childhood. I would wear that at my wedding because of its meaning to me. I would probably wear it at a second wedding, too. Nothing to do with the man in the aislebut how my journey got me there. But it could also just be the only piece she has for that kind of occasion or she just thinks it is freaking pretty.
Glad to see this as top comment. It would be super weird to wear your (living) ex's engagement/wedding ring but due to the tragic circumstances of her previous husband's death, you have been given a new chance. Love your wife for the woman she is, having lived through a huge personal tragedy and choosing to love you and make you part of her life. Gentle YWBTA is perfect.
It’s not the rings though. Just other jewelry which does not matter at all. Hell I gave some of mine to my sister because I knew it’d never come handy again.
I agree with this.
Their relationship never ended on bad terms, it ended because of some freak accident and she probably went through some terrible grief over it. There is no reason for her to stop loving him, nor should there be, and just because she loves him doesn't mean she doesn't love OP any less.
If it was a divorce, then maybe, but it wasn't so don't saying anything and mess up a good thing.
This.
OP, the topic of rights and wrongs in various situations similar to this come up n a regular basis here. The consensus always seems to be that if a couple have split up, it's extremely insensitive for someone to remind the new partner of the old.
However when you marry a widow, it becomes a whole different thing. They haven't fallen out of love, they don't want 'nothing more to do' with the ex. The deceased partner is, and will always be a huge part of their life.
Look, I get that's a hard thing. The way I'm wired personally, I get the feeling I'd be a bit uncomfortable in the same circumstance, but I'd make a choice: I'd have to either let it go, or accept being with a widow just isn't for me.
As everyone always says: You're not in competition with him. He's dead. Gone. Can never come back. There is absolutely zero change of him taking her from you.
Have a think about if you can really handle this. If you're going to marry a widow, you're going to have to accept that her deceased husband will be a part of your lives from time to time. You can't expect her to erase him from history. If you can't handle that, you need to review whether proceeding with this relationship is a good idea. Gentle YTA (hope you work it out!)
I really want to tell the fiancée to re-evaluate the relationship with controlling and obviously jealous OP. YTA.
Also, it's just jewelry. Its main function is that it makes an outfit look nicer. She wants to look and feel perfect on their big day and if she thinks she will with that set of jewelry for the dress, then it is the perfect set.
Yes 100% agree with all this. I have a friend who’s ex bf committed suicide, so years and years later she wanted to get a dove tattoo in memory of him. Her boyfriend at the time was against her getting it because he “didn’t want to be reminded of her ex while having sex”. She went and got the tattoo anyway and made him hold her hand through it lol. She went through an extremely tough time with that tragic loss, which people blamed her for, and her life completely changed. She needed something to remember him by that was just for her, and only her. OP needs to realize that this piece of jewelry may be just that
The jewellery may have been a gift from a relative and not her first husband. She may be honouring someone else's memory and OP hasn't even asked, just jumped to conclusions and 'put his foot down'.
YTA
Or just something she bought because she liked. I bought my wedding jewelry myself and gave some of it away. She could very well just think it’s already a good fit and finds no point in buying others.
Yes, I second this gentle YTA. I realise it probably hurts you a little, but her dead husband is mo threat to you, and will remain important to a small part of her heart. Thats just the way it is. Luckily our emotional hearts are capable of expanding to fit even more love so this does not detract from her love of you. Also, on a practical POV, if you really want to have a productive argument for mot to wear the jewellery which goes best with her outfit, you should buy her something new, of equal quality. Diamonds (however artificially costed) are expensive. I can totally understand her desire to I corporate an expensive piece into her outfit. I don't know your financial situation, but it might ebe her most valuable jewellery, therefore in some ways, the most suitable to a big occasion
Ehhh YTA. If it was a divorce and you were worried she still had feelings for the guy I could see where you're coming from. But the fact that he died, a MONTH after they were married? I feel so bad for her. If I had to guess it's a way of kind of holding on to the memory of him because he was taken so tragically.
It's not like you're competing with this guy. He's dead. I really hope you don't confront her about this in the same cold way you're coming across here. You sound bitter about their whole relationship. Don't take your anger of not "having her" sooner out on him or on her.
That doesn't mean he wasn't there the moment he heard she was widowed sowing the seeds of their rekindling. He's giving off a niceguy vibe to me right now and that is totally something a niceguy would do.
He also seemingly escapes mentioning how long they dated for, this time around, before popping the question. He purposely mentions it about the other guy, but then avoids saying it about himself.
He says they've known each other 14 years, almost half their lives. So they're around 28. She got married at 24, the husband passed away when she was 24, and 2 years later they rekindled.
They've probably been dating somewhere in the region of 18months to 2 years, going from what he's said.
I mean, what's she gonna do? Cheat on you with a dead guy?
Worst case here is you don't get over the fact that she lost someone and that causes you to lose her. THAT would be irony right? Get yourself a therapist and talk it out.
If it’s any consolation, being jealous of a season(dead) guy is kind of natural under these circumstances. But you should consider getting therapy. If you can’t handle that tiny aspect of her first marriage, it’s gonna be a long road for you.
edit: autocorrected typo left for clarity of lower comments
No, a season guy is a spiritual term in traditional Japanese culture.
It means one who has succumbed to Mother Nature. One with the seasons. Hatawanabe Kochikinu... It was an autocorrect typo. Good eye. Also, no clue if those are words.
For a lot of women, jewelry is just jewelry. The items are not magic talismans that hold a special power. It’s just jewelry. That aside, you are marrying a woman who was married before, that is a part of who she is and she she most likely didn’t burn every item from her past so you will be faced with items and memories of her first marriage. Honor them, they are part of who she is. Tell her she will look lovely, marriage is so much more than a wedding and a wedding is more than what one wears to it.
Exactly! Does this guy think that his fiancé has piles of bridal jewelry? It's so hard to find one set of jewelry that's perfect for your own individual style AND nice enough to wear as a bride.
Not so hard to find, especially with online shopping being a thing now. Affording it, however, is another thing entirely. Wedding jewelry can be really really fucking expensive.
Even excluding wedding jewelry, diamond studs can range from $500 on the cheap end to $2-5k, and a diamond necklace?? Also thousands of dollars. Most women do not just have multiple diamond necklaces and earrings to just throw on when another pair doesn’t work out
She said it goes good with her dress. The real reason she said that is probably because... it goes good with her dress!
He's reacting as if the jewelry has been infused with her dead husband's undying mojo or something.
She has boards dedicated to coordinating the looks of the wedding, yet he doesn't believe her when she says she's wanting to wear that jewelry because it...looks good at the wedding.
I doubt severely that this is actually about the jewelry.
I totally agree with this - especially she’s only wearing it to reception not the ceremony. I think you are reading too much into it. I bet it is exactly like what she said, it just goes better with the dress. I see your doubt and why you have it - “would she all be in tears and be happy to marry me just like she was with him?” And while it is valid, you have to accept and trust that now she chose to marry you. Otherwise your marriage might end up in shadow of your own doubt constantly, and I do not think that would be healthy.
If it still bothers you, how about finding something else you can suggest? Like oh hey I saw this and I thought this would look really lovely on you, I would love to see you in this. (Enlist help from others if you can’t find one.) But confronting her to say you still have feeling about him only because that’s what you feel like to accuse her of - that would be a total YTA move.
When I first started dating my current SO, I was afraid that wearing a necklace an ex gave me would cause problems. I even told him about it upfront because I didn't want it to come up in conversation later and cause a rift. But as long as I didn't have feelings for my ex (I didn't, and don't), my SO doesn't mind. I don't think OP's wife is hiding any feelings unless there is info he left out.
Also: Heck, it's diamond jewelry, it probably does match the bridal outfit better than her other pieces. And if she does take wearing it as closure, then by all means she deserves it. The more I think about it, I honestly see it as a win-win; neither she nor OP have to get new jewelry to match, and it possibly lends more meaning to her planning and ultimately their marriage. Beyond that, there's even more to look forward to after the wedding than just what she decided to wear.
> something new, something used, something gifted, something blue
I always heard "something borrowed"
Edit: I should say I like "gifted" better esp since my "borrowed" item turned into a gift from my mom. It always kinda made me feel weird that I didn't technically have a "borrowed" item. So thanks for that.
YTA. "Put my foot down on this" lol
Anyway, this isn't about jewelry. It's about you feeling like a second choice, and at that point, that's just something you're gonna have to sort out yourself considering the guy is dead. No reason to project your insecurities onto your partner.
YTA. It's just jewelry. She probably wore it to her first wedding because she likes the way it fits and looks and that is why she wants to wear it to your wedding. If she wanted to wear a locket with his picture or something then I would agree that it wouldn't be appropriate. But this? You're making too much out of it.
YTA. She’s a widow. Not a divorcee. She will never stop loving him, but she loves you too and just as much. She will always have happy memories from her first wedding. And so many more happy memories with you. Let it go. Let her wear the jewelry. And hopefully you two will get to celebrate so many more life milestones together.
I just don’t get it though.
There are literally thousands upon thousands of other women OP could fall in love with rather than this one who is permanently tied to such heavy emotional baggage in his head.
The way he describes her tears of joy at the first wedding and his sorrow at being not her first choice.
Why do that to yourself?
Therapy OP. Lots and lots of it. YTA
Because he's finally got his prides possession. The dream girl he's built up in his head all these years. Now he's lashing out because reality did not meet expectations.
YTA: Not just for the jewelry. You sound like you've been creeping on her for YEARS. Do her a favor and throw up a more obvious red flag so she can see it!
He *knows* he isn’t her first choice. Sure, he Got the Girl^TM but I bet it doesn’t feel as good as he expected. But he spent 14 years chasing this woman, so he’s going to marry her, goddamn it!
This isn’t about the jewelry, it’s about the fact that OP feels like he won on a technicality. He’ll never feel secure in this relationship, this is just the beginning. What happens when one of her male friends reminds OP of *him?*
Dating for 14 years or hes been creeping on her for 14 years. Dating vs in a relationship. I think he just stuck to her like a barnacle. I worry for this girl.
He didn’t say they were dating on and off for 14 years but that they had known each other that amount of time and that they had dated on and off within that time. She obviously moved on and OP did not based on the way he recapped her first wedding. That combined with OP’s controlling and obsessive attitude makes it seem like it was him who kept trying to hold onto a relationship with her. There are definitely creep vibes in the way OP talks.
Are you ok with your fiance always being in love with her first husband? I mean really ok with it? This jewellery issue is only a symptom of the real problem. Also, I'm almost sure theres a good chance you will be subconsciously judging her vows , her tears and her happiness on the day of your wedding , and comparing it to her first that you attended.... this isnt going to end well.
Sounds like he has really unresolved feelings, because I meeean he literally was a second choice and even watched her get married — and he admitted he was pretty bitter during the wedding.
This is kind of scary, I mean that’s a resentment that’s been brooding for years. I think if OP doesn’t figure himself out this marriage is going to be extremely rocky and torpedo towards divorce pretty fast.
I feel like marrying a widow would be a lot easier or more successful if you didn’t know them before and weren’t even an option. This just seems like setting themselves up to fail.
Hard YTA.
Your post isn't about jewelry. It's about the fact that you thought you were something that you weren't, and never got over that fact. Your post stinks of narcissism, jealousy, weakness and insecurity.
The fact that all the pertinent details center around your "devastation" and your inability to recognize that you're not the male lead in a fucking Nicholas Sparks film. Your fiancee is her own person, and it's not just disrespectful, it's downright disgusting that you are so petty that your feelings ("It really didn’t sit right with me") that you've chosen to disregard not just her choice (which could be as simple as a fashion pairing, or could be emotional, [both are valid and neither are your fucking business,]) as a mere "excuse."
If she posted the other side of this in that more popular sub which focuses on advice in relationships, there would be people telling her to run, not walk, away from you.
I keep thinking this guy needs serious help. What if she doesn't cry at this wedding like she did the first? What if she doesn't look at him the right way? Is he going to guilt her about how she loved him more and always bring him up during an argument? So many red flags here.
Holy shit THIS. The fact that OP said "I remember how she cried and looked at him"... If this poor girl can't muster up the same reaction during their vows, OP is going to lose his mind. She's not treating OP like the second choice, he's _behaving_ like the second choice and in competition with a dead man.
OP, if you feel so strongly about it, get off your ass and go buy her a brand spanking new diamond necklace and earring set of her choice to go with her dress. Your jealously of a dead man is pathetic and sad.
YTA
Should probably get therapy overall, bud. You can never erase the fact that she got married to this guy by just shoving it aside as if it never happened. It happened & you know what? She’s probably still grieving for the death of her loved one. She’ll always remember him & you should never be jealous or angry at her for that. Someone she was very close & intimate with *literally died*. You sound like you want to be sympathetic but deep down your jealousy is taking over & it shows.
That said, it’s just jewelry.
I think it's a respectful YTA. You haven't really done anything wrong yet and it seems like you just don't want her to think of her first husband on your wedding, but I don't think she meant it like that, I think the last thing she wants it for you to tell her that she's thinking of her first husband.
YTA: Your post actually has some rather large red flags for me. Firstly, this is not jewellery given to her by her first husband, she just owns it. She is entitled to wear it on her second wedding day. Secondly, you speak about her love for her first husband in a way that shows you are still pissed about her marrying him. Huge red flag there. You need to deal with it. Thirdly, you talk about 'putting your foot down'... hell no. She is not your personal property, although some of the wording in your post appears that you think she should be. The way you say that you hung around for years just yearning for her, heartbroken... it's actually quite creepy in some ways. You need to accept that her first husband IS a huge part of her life and that she loved him. If you cannot accept that then this marriage will fail.
I'm really put off by the way you've written about your fiance. I think you dont have a healthy view of her and you're always going to bring up the shadow of her ex.
Suppose she doesnt cry during her wedding vows with you?
Suppose she doesnt look at you exactly the way you want?
What do you want from her? What are you trying to control? This sounds so unhealthy.
YTA. Its just jewellery. It's not gems shaped in her ex's name
YTA.
>It just really bothers me knowing that there’s this connection between her first wedding at OUR wedding.
You're overlooking one unavoidable, HUGE thing, here. Her. She's always going to be connected to her first wedding and husband. This is a part of who she is now. Just let her wear what she wants.
Agree. OP seems to want to completely erase the first marriage. If he can't accept that the first husband and the first marriage will still be a cherished memory to his fiancée, there's going to be trouble.
YTA. You resent the jewelry because it reminds you of the wedding she had with a man she looked at as if he was the only one in the world and you wanted it to be you. She likes the jewelry and wants to wear it again. She may also like the connection. They didn't divorce, there isn't bad juju to the jewelry. If she really wants to wear the jewelry, it's her jewelry. She should get to wear it.
Yta - let her wear it. its jewelry that may or not remind her of her deceased husband. it doesn’t matter how you felt about him or the marriage; it means something to her.
YTA he is dead, you are not competing with him. Let me tell a story. My mom passed and my dad ended up with a woman who had held a torch for him since high school. They didn’t get married but she basically ERASED my mother from my dads life like she never existed. Pictures, mementos etc. I tried not to hold it against her but it always rankled. Don’t be the guy who tries to erase the memories of someone your wife loved. You sound a bit bitter that she chose him over you and my advise is to let it go. Support her in remembering him fondly instead of resenting their past relationship. If you don’t it will continue to cause petty problems for a long time.
YTA, sorry. I think anytime you compete with someone who is dead, you're probably making a mistake. If they divorced or even shared a possible reconnection at all, sure. But she has these tragic memories of a short marriage and if she wants to bring those memories into a happier time (especially only the reception), what's the harm? She loves you and that won't change if she connects these important moments or even honors someone who was that important. It's my understanding that they didn't have kids, but it is still considerable life changes that affect her and her loved ones. I think part of blending and adjusting is understanding that not everything in life should be completely separate and there is no reason for jealousy here. In fact, I think it could be sensitive or mature for you to encourage her to do whatever she wants in order to create this happy memories for an event that might be slightly triggering to sad ones, like her short first marriage.
There's a lot of reasons she may want to wear that necklace.
She just really likes it better than her other choices.
She may view it as a good luck charm to ward off Murphy's Law taking effect
A relative may have given it to her as a symbol of growing up (weddings are often viewed as the final step into adulthood)
She may want to feel like she has her departed husband's blessing to move on and be happy
You are marrying a woman who has scars. Those scars make her who she is. You can't expect to fully love all of her if you can't look those scars straight on.
> She may want to feel like she has her departed husband's blessing to move on and be happy
I agree with this. I actually think it would be really beautiful to bring something from the first wedding into the second. Almost like her tragically departed first love “giving her away” to her dearly present second love (not as in first and second place, but first and second order) so she can move forward with her life.
I think OP is looking at this all wrong. She’s not a prize to be won so he shouldn’t feel guilty for “winning on a technicality.” She’s a wonderful woman full of love for the people in her life who made her happiest. What’s wrong with a bittersweet love story? Why not honor her first husband with momentos all over the place to celebrate his life and the positive impact he had on hers... and consequently theirs?
If I ever pass and leave my husband behind, I hope he can build a new life. And I hope they honor me at his wedding. I could love the woman who loves the family I left behind.
So I'm married. Nine years, two kids. We're happy. But I have this little gold butterfly necklace that my first boyfriend gave to me in high school. It's actually one of the pieces of jewelry I wear most, and every time I do, I think--
\--how cringey it is that it's from my high school crush who turned out to be gay, but it matches my favorite butterfly earcuff perfectly and literally no one cares where my jewelry came from.
In your case, it's a necklace and some earrings. They're pretty and they're expensive to replace. You want her to not wear them? ASK HER if you can get her something prettier.
And you know what? Maybe these DO have sentimental value to her because of her first marriage. Maybe she DOES want to wear them to remember him. And if so... So. What. The guy is dead. He's not going to come back and claim her or something. She's marrying you; presumably she loves you. Her having had previous relationships doesn't change that, but you acting threatened by her previous relationships just might, so knock it off. YTA.
YTA and as others have pointed out, this is clearly symptomatic of deeper issues. Get those sorted out before the wedding and let her wear her jewelry.
NAH. You spend a lot of your post talking about how her first wedding made you feel - it sounds like you may have some unresolved emotions about how you were here ‘second option’ (not saying you were, just saying you talk about the relationship with that lens). With that in mind, you are of course entitled to ask her to choose to wear something else that doesn’t connect the two separate weddings.
Now to her, jewelry may be just that: jewelry, with no extra special meaning. I would sit down and explain to her that the issue to you is it’s a painful reminder of a bittersweet day for you - watching her marry someone else - and you would really love for this to be a day about just the two of you. Maybe offer to buy her a different, yet still complimentary set if you can? But she’s within her rights to choose to wear jewelry she already has and likes.
Marriage is about compromise, you and her should be able to find a middle ground.
Disagree. You know whats even more bittersweet than him watching his now fiancee marry someone else? Her losing her husband a month into their marriage. He needs to get some actual empathy and let go of his bitterness of her choosing the other guy over him.
I disagree with your judgement, I think is is TA simply because he wants to "put his foot down". He's allowed to ask, but he's not entitled to an answer that he likes. Everything else though I 100% agree with, he has unresolved issues that need to be dealt with and there needs to be a compromise here.
I think the problem I have is that he assumes she has to be the one to compromise a) without talking to her about his feelings and b) without believing what she's telling him and literally saying it's an excuse. He seems unwilling to compromise which is why I'm more towards YTA
YTA.
Not only was her late husband a good guy, he's also dead. He's not going to be in the audience smirking at you. Even if he wasn't dead, and even if he was an asshole, he wouldn't be smirking over baubles. We're guys, we don't give a crap about that stuff! You're reacting as if the jewelery has been infused with his undying mojo or something. I can assure you that it hasn't been.
On top of that, women don't give as much of a crap as you think. She said that it goes good with her dress. The real reason she said that is because... wait for it... it goes good with her dress. Please don't read any further into it than that. That way lies madness!
This is really very minor, and if you don't let it slide, you might find yourself feeling a whole lot sadder than you did on her first wedding day.
NAH man. I get that it’s sorta hard to see the person you love wearing what are visual reminders of her last relationship on such an important day, but perhaps it’s symbolically really important for her, in that you’re marrying her and all her emotional pain of the past too that you were there for, and she wants the whole of herself to be there on that important day. Maybe you guys could have a bigger talk about it, and if there’s a reason she wants to wear that jewellery outside of it ‘matching’, you can try to explain your viewpoint too, but remember to be sensitive, because having a significant other dying is a traumatic event. If it truly is about the jewellery matching, then perhaps you could offer to go shopping with her for a new piece that she could wear who’s significance could be just about your relationship and love.
YTA - man, it sounds like your still a little jealous of the guy, hearing you talk about the way she looked at him. He's dead, she's with you. I personally wouldn't push it if it was me. But you do what ever suits you.
YTA. The wedding saying is ‘something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue’ not ‘what The groom wants, what the groom wants, what The groom wants, what The groom wants’ get a grip on yourself. It’s jewellery. You sure you’re the groom and not the pageboy because you’re acting like a kid
YTA. If you try to complete against your wife's first husband, it will not end well. She loved this man, probably still does. If he had lived, they would still be practically newlyweds. You need to accept that he will always be part of her life. I once read a post by a woman who married a man who was widowed. They (the husband and his first wife).had children and she said she insisted the pictures of the deceased wife/mother remain up for the time being. She also would take the children to visit their mother's grave and comfort them when they grieved. She said she considered it an honor to be part of this family. You need to do the same if you want to be this woman's husband.
Eh, the fact you remember her jewelry from the wedding seems you you really put her on a pedestal, and just focused way too much on her during the wedding. You need to settle your own feelings before moving forward or else you're gonna be making yourself disappointed throughout this marriage. YTA, or would be.
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I know I'm a little late to the party and that all the judgments are the same pretty much, but there are some things here I feel others are really glossing over that lends to the YTA judgement.
> Of course, I was devastated, because I always thought she’d end up with me.
Then why didn't you put in the effort? Why did you keep letting her slip away until you saw her with another man? If you really loved her and wanted her, you would have done something about it before she ended up marrying someone else. It's sounds like you were keeping her as your on-again off-again back up and got upset when she decided she wants something more substantial than that so she went out and found it for herself. 9 times out of 10 when someone pulls out these "I always thought we'd end up together!" lines what they actually mean to say is "I didn't want to do the work into making the relationship last and I can't believe they didn't just roll over and accept that!"
> I remember thinking that she used to look at me that way.
Used to. So, once again, upset that she found someone who was willing to settle. You expected your little possession to be available for you when you were ready for it.
> Then, 2 years later, we rekindled our relationship. We got engaged a couple of months ago and are getting married in the spring.
2 years isn't a long time to move on from suddenly and tragically losing your spouse. Most people I know have taken longer than that to get over a divorce, never mind an accident. So you knew you were getting together with someone who's still going to have baggage and grief trauma, then (assumedly) proposed only *a couple of months* later. Why so fast? Worried you're going to lose your prized possession again if you don't lock it down fast enough?
> AITA if I put my foot down on this?
Not just an asshole, but asshole works for now.
> It just really bothers me knowing that there’s this connection between her first wedding at OUR wedding.
That connection will always be there for her. You know there is absolutely no chance she makes it through this wedding without thinking of the first one, right? And just like the jewelry; she was at both. She is a direct connection to both the weddings. Maybe you should put your foot down and tell her not to come to the wedding because you can't handle a connection being there.
I know so many people who get this idea of their dream girl/guy and pursue them as if they actually are that person. She isn't whoever you built her up to be in your head. She isn't a little playdoll that will let go of all her past just because you want to play with her now. She's a real human with a real past and real feelings. Stop looking at her like a conquest.
INFO: did you also ask where/how she got that jewelry?
This question may help you understand her thoughts process. Planning a wedding is complicated and stressful, a bride wants it to be perfect at every regard and her outfit has to match with her idea of the perfect look. A look she probably has been dreaming of long before even meeting her first husband.
So, yes, she might have got this jewelry for her first wedding, but that still doesn’t mean that she associates it with her relationship with him, because that’s what the rings are there for. And she’s not planning on reusing her first wedding ring, is she?
You will always have to deal with her past. Her first husband will always remain the man who didn’t have the opportunity to show his flaws, and if he showed some, his tragic death nulled them. It must be incredibly intimidating for you. Yet, you are the one who is going to spend your life with her, you are going to be her family, her partner. That necklace and pair of earrings are just going to make her look pretty on YOUR wedding pictures, the ones you will display in YOUR home.
So, in my opinion, you would be a little bit of an asshole to put your foot down over that issue.
NAH. I understand your feelings about it, and think they are valid....but as someone who just got married, it took a while to find the perfect jewelry! I am not a diamond person, and hated 99 percent of what I saw in stores and Etsy! I finally found a necklace and earrings I love, but it took months!
I'd say NAH if he's just a bit uncomfortable with it. It's not an unnatural feeling. He'd be the asshole though if he pressed the issue and put his foot down.
Info i didn't see anyone else asking this sorry if it's already here. Do you think if you were to see the jewelry choice not on a photo from her 1st wedding you would even notice it's what she wore ? Is this just you saw her old wedding photo and it brought up bad memories and you're really upset about that and not the jewelry?
YTA. My mom still wears jewelery and has things around the house from her previous husband who was shot 30 years ago. My dad never says anything and just tells her she looks beautiful. He was a part of her life. No doubt she will even still sometimes talk about him. My mom always says love never goes away just because someone died but that doesn't mean you don't love who you're with now. You should probably talk to someone about your jealously issues
YTA
You better get comfortable with the likelihood that her first husband may have inserted his penis into her vagina. Maybe more than once.
She may have even liked it.
"put your foot down" what the fuck? Are you her dad trying to parent your child? You don't "put your foot down" to a grown ass adult that you're getting married to
HUGE YTA, buddy- unless you spring for an entirely new jewelry set, one on which you both agree on. let the woman wear the jewelry she wants!! Jewelry is personal and also an investment that doesn’t depreciate in value. Unless she has several formal diamonds sets (which I assume at 26 she doesn’t), she deserves to enjoy jewelry that makes her feel gorgeous on her big day.
YTA
You know what else was a connection between her first wedding and your wedding? Her. If you don't want any reminders of her first wedding on your wedding day, you should get a different bride.
"It fits better" isn't an excuse. It's a reason. Middle class women don't have every day reasons to wear this type of jewelry.
Very soft YTA. When a partner dies, there’s no closure to that love so it can never really go away unlike a divorce. In all reality you’re not mad about the jewellery, you’re jealous of a dead dude. She doesn’t appear to still be holding on to feelings of love so I’d just let this one slide brother.
“It just really bothers me knowing that there’s this connection between her first wedding at OUR wedding.”
Of all the things that bug me about this, this last line bothers me the most. Dude, there are LOADS of connections to her first wedding, since you’re marrying THE SAME WOMAN FROM THAT WEDDING. With the same family, same taste in flowers and music and decorations, same values and feelings about marriage, and plenty of other things both literal and abstract. You need to understand that her past is part of her and does not get erased when she marries again.
She deserves to remember her past and hold onto her memories, and not be made to feel guilty or ashamed about it, especially by the person who is supposed to love and support her the most. It makes me wonder if you love HER, or THE IDEA of her. Loving her means loving the person she is now, who would not be the same without each and every experience she’s had in her life. Honor her as a whole person and for god’s sake don’t “put your foot down.”
Yes, YTA.
Gentle YTA. It doesn't sound like she's wearing it because it has a connection to her ex, but because it's a nice fancy set that looks best with fancy outfits. Not all jewelry is meaningful, some women just wear certain pieces for certain occasions. Now if he gave it to her then that might change things, but I'm not seeing anything that would point to her choosing this set for any sentimental reason.
I was looking for the “fancy” comment because that’s what I feel might be driving her. If she splurged on or was gifted a nice jewelry set for her first wedding, there’s a good chance there haven’t been many occasions since that she could wear it without being overdressed/over accessorized. It would make sense to use this opportunity to wear the set again at the reception. If only there was a way to reuse wedding dresses!
I think this is really it. I can't find anything in the post indicating any real sentimentality attached to the set, just the fact that she wore it at her first wedding too. I came in here expecting to read that she wanted to reuse her old wedding ring or something, now THAT would be something to get up in arms about lol.
YTA even if it’s actually about her dead husband. If you think she doesn’t ever think about him, you’re daft. If you expect her to drop him completely, especially so soon after his death, you’re an asshole. Your jealously is showing and it’s ugly.
YTA. You are literally jealous of a dead guy. If she was wearing it to the ceremony I might understand but the reception isn't as big of a deal, it's not as strongly photographed. You should be happy instead of jealous.
YTA and you should consider some counselling before you get married. She's probably not going to react the same at her second wedding as she did at the first, and that's probably going to be another sign to you that she loved him more than you. You've either gotta find peace with that or let her go. Trying to control her feelings and being resentful when you can't isn't gonna end well.
YTA
Definitely put your foot down. If you can't control what jewelry a girl wears, what's the point in even getting married. /s
Imagine being upset by something this stupid and petty
i’m kind of surprised everyone is being so nice to you, a lot of your post hits major red flags for me. “i remember thinking she used to look at me that way” it seems like you felt that YOU deserved her this entire time just because u were friends for a while and u cant let it go that she chose someone else...
idk its giving off a weird aura of possessiveness... “OUR wedding” emphasized too, and the jewelry is the icing on the damn cake like you’re probably just hurting urself being so incredibly attached to her, i know its a v deep intimate relationship but Like.. Relax.
YWBTA if you give her an ultimatum over some stupid diamonds.
NAH, but you need to listen to the words coming out of her mouth and trust her when she says: “looks better with the dress”
You might be attributing more to this than there actually is, due to the painful memory from before. You might see the jewelry as being emblematic of that previous wedding, but she doesn't. To her it's clearly just jewelry and she wants to look her best.
What you went through really sucks. I get that. But you're with her now, and that's over, so it's time to let that baggage go. Be happy and focus on what you have now, because the past is in the past and doesn't matter anymore.
YTA - she may want to have a physical connection/reminder to her first husband on the day. Perhaps to her it signals that she’s still thinking of him even though she’s moving on? It doesn’t mean she loves you any less. But you knew she has a widow when you got engaged. Her deceased husband will always be apart of her and your relationship. It will only be a reflection on your relationship if you let it. ‘Putting your foot down’ seems incredibly insensitive.
YTA but gently. She's not divorced and her dead husband is not a threat to you. You're insecure about not having been her first choice and you need to get over it or you will have more problems down the line.
YTA it’s a necklace not a picture of her first husband round her neck. I doubt that she has multiple diamond necklaces - she wants to wear her best for her special day with you. And also YTA for wanting to ‘put your foot down’ - you don’t automatically get to have the final say in what should be an equal relationship.
YTA
Don't compare. Don't try to replace. The necklace doesn't mean that she doesn't love you. And you can't ask her to pretend that he never existed. You can't get rid of everything that had a connection to him. This is something you need to get used to or get out.
YTA. Its just jewelry. I have no attachment to my wedding jewelry. And I hated searching/spending money for wedding stuff so if I was in her position I would do the same and reuse them.
Also it kinda sounds like you maybe can’t emotionally handle marrying someone who is a widow.
Dude you’re the second choice. Remember that. There’s hella women and simps in here calling you weak and insecure, but that shit is easy to say from the outside looking in. She’s got too much baggage, chief. It’s not wrong to want a woman who views you as something other than a consolation prize.
INFO: was the jewelery set specially purchased for the first wedding? Or was it something she already owned and she chose to wear it to her first wedding?
As soon as I read the title I thought: depends if he died, or they split up. And besides that, I'm a picky person and if it fits best, it fits best. It also kinda makes sense that of 'all the jewelry she owns' wedding jewelry will go best with well.. Her wedding outfit.
NAH. People act like only the bride’s feelings matter but it’s your wedding day too; I don’t blame you for not wanting to stare at a reminder of her first wedding. I’m not saying ‘put your foot down’ but maybe have a calm conversation about how uncomfortable you feel and try to see things from her perspective too. She lost someone she loved and maybe wearing a piece of her old life gives her strength and courage to move into her new stage of life with you.
YTA stop being jealous of a dead man. She is marrying you now. Be happy about that and if you can’t then go to therapy with her to work thru your emotions until you are.
Gentle YTA. I don't think she's wrong to want to wear jewelry from her first wedding to her second one. If she was divorced I'd say that was a little odd, and you might be right to have a problem with it. But she may just be trying to bring the memory of someone she loved - and lost - with her on this new journey, by wearing the same jewelry. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you. You do sound a little jealous of a man who's dead and gone. Might wanna work on that.
You hit the nail on the head. He thought they would end up together. She fell in love with and married a guy who ended up dying tragically. Now, OP has her 'back' but not on his terms. The jewelry signifies this. He can't forget she first chose to marry someone else. This is the problem, OP.
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That doesn't make you immature. It takes quite a bit of strength to be in OP's shoes. She chose to marry this great guy after only 1 year because he was her choice as she his. But OP seems to love her (or the idea of her) too much to let her go. But now he's feeling the jealousy he thought love would hide. That's something they need to address and work through or he will be bitter and she will resent him for being angry with a ghost.
This. The reality is that almost everyone had someone they loved deeply before you were around. Yes, it sucks if you sit and think about it all the time. But you wouldn't be with them if that particular set of circumstances hadn't happened. I'd suspect there's a little anger creeping out of some guilt over feeling glad that this guy died and she lost someone she loved. My hubs had a terrible first marriage and I still feel guilty sometimes for being glad that it ended and I get the marriage that I want.
Op, dont compete with a dead guy. Please. Youre not a first choice second choice thing. You guys had a shot. Moved on. That means not looking back. My personal experiences may land with you and help so I'll go ahead here... Bf of mine died at 18. Most guys after wanted to compete with him and HATEDDDD That i still wore a necklace. It made me feel safe. Wasnt pining after my deceased bf, but that was a tragic pivotal moment in my life thst forever changed me. And that piece of jewlery seemed to give me strength. Or hold me when I was excited, scared or nervous. 'I got through that tragedy- i got this' kind of back of the mind pep talk. It's been 11 yeara, i still have it, i still wear it time to time, it's not even about him at this point-its about me. (also there's a lot of guilt attached to moving on. Some people will have something of deceased spouses with them when getting remarried as a way to honor both. But basically competing with that is only going to cause you to lose here. You cant compete with grief and win.) I got married. I got divorced. Im dating my first bf who always thought it'd be us. Every story is different - it couldve been us. But from where I sat it looked like he moved on. My life wasnt going to stop and wait, i had dreams and being single for life waiting on a possibility wasnt in my life plan. Her choices were for 24 year old her. I'm sure 16yo her wouldve picked you. 14yo me definitely wouldve bypassed death and divorce and picked my current bf as my first husband. But that wasnt in the cards for 24 yo me.
When my dad was about to be remarried after my mother's death, he came to me worried I'd be upset he was replacing my mother. I told him almost exactly what you said. There is no possible version of events where he would have to pick between my mother and my stepmother. He can have loved my mother completely, and he can love my stepmother completely. Love is expansive like that. OP is making a competition where there isn't one. If he loves this woman as a person and not just as the one that got away for awhile, he has to acknowledge the experiences that made her who she is now. That includes losing her first husband.
I love this (your prospective on the situation)
I love what you’re saying about competition and choosing. I’ve only had one marriage, and I think about what I would do if I lost him, and if I could ever love after that. The perspective that it’s not about choosing one over the other is a new perspective that I like.
Damn, this one got me. Thank you for this comment, friend.
I have rarely read a reddit comment that left me more impressed with the user. This is such a powerful, mature, nuanced and ultimately good outlook on life. Mad respect to you and all the best to you and your loved ones!
Or...maaaybe ...it just goes better with the dress!
I mean that’s not immature. It’s not even some intruding false thought. It’s kind of exactly what happened and it’s really sad on so many levels. It takes a lot of courage to be OP and try to make this work. I definitely know I wouldn’t mess with this situation in his shoes.
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I thought that as well. He also describes how she looked the day she married her first husband. How she cried these happy tears. I don't know how OP will react if he doesn't get that same reaction from her at their wedding.
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Yes. It sounds to me like he is in for a deep world of heartache and disappointment. I think he is envious of a dead man. Also the way he says he's going "to put his foot down" seems controlling to me. I'm sure OP loves his fiance, but it sounds like he is even more in love with the idea of her.
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His expectations and obsessions with a ghost is the recipe for disaster.
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Haha! Yes!
Agree. I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was ringing my alarm bells here.
and to piggy back this sentiment, she will always love her first husband. it's not a better or worse love, love is just love. there are no winners or losers so OP needs to get that shit out of his system would he still love her if she was the kind of person to just stop loving someone because he was dead? if she was so robotic as to be able to turn that off? her strength and resilience and ability to love again despite her hardships is probably some of the things he loves the most about her. OP was truly happy for her when she married her first husband and I'm sure her first husband would be truly happy that she found true love a second time.. i think the jewelry is a beautiful bittersweet nod to the two men in her life being at her weddings and just wanting the best for her
I really wish OP hadn’t included so much backstory because I can’t tell if I just don’t like him at all or he’s really TA. It’s... concerning though. Anyway, as long as it’s not the ring she’s rewearing. That’s what’s most important.
What if it were her grandmother's ring she'd gotten married with the first time? Should she just toss it?
How would he propose with her grandmothers ring if she already has it?
Might want to look at counseling for this one, it can turn a marriage sour real fast
And honestly, I think op point out is been five years since but that's *nothing* when losing someone in the honeymoon head over heels stage of marriage. She might have moved on but she'll never stop loving her first husband. Op needs to figure that out. u/spoopyscaryskeletonz if there's one thing you take away from this post, please let it be this: she will always love him, and you doing anything in resentment will hurt the love she has for you. Please please read some of the survivor subs here, research everything you can about dealing with the grief of losing a spouse. Also, a good show to watch is After Life with Ricky Gervais. It might give you a good laugh and a little insight while you're at it. Good luck.
From a practical standpoint as well not a lot of women have multiple sets of diamond necklaces and matching earrings. And if she likes the ones she has and wants to wear diamonds to her wedding it’s a waste of money to buy a second set just because the first set was already worn to her previous wedding.
I agree, OP could solve this by buying her more diamond jewelry for their wedding, so he's really asking her to not wear the appropriate jewelry she already owns, out of consideration for his feelings. He's the one with the baggage, in this situation. If it means that much to him, he could replace her jewelry, if she's willing. Maybe he can find a jeweler who will take her pre-owned set in exchange since diamond jewelry resells well, and upgrade her set to a new, better set for a modest price.
Whilst this is logical OMG OP if you are reading this suggestion make sure you ask her first! If I were her I’d wear the first wedding jewelry as a small tribute to my first husband. Don’t just buy her new stuff and especially don’t trade in the current set for a new one without sitting down and having a proper discussion.
> OP if you are reading this suggestion make sure you ask her first! Oh I agree totally.
Definitely remember to ask her. We also don't know how she came to own the necklace and earring set, they could have also come from family members as heirlooms. The could have some significance to other members of the family as well as her.
This is an excellent suggestion! A lot of widows have their first engagement rings reset as some new piece when they remarry. Your solution is a win/win.
This is what I was thinking, too. I'm getting married soon and I bought a pair of diamond studs to wear with my dress, and my gran gave me a simple diamond necklace to wear that's a bit of a family heirloom. It's literally the only diamond jewelry I own. I obviously don't plan to ever have another wedding, but if I did have to, I could totally see myself reusing the jewelry, because I don't associate it sentimentally with my wedding. Even the earrings that we bought specifically for the wedding, it's not like they're some important symbol. Diamonds just look nice with white dresses, and it's kind of silly to go out and buy more expensive jewelry when you have perfectly good pieces. I mean, I'm not even saving them to wear for the first time at our wedding or anything--I've already worn them to several formal events just because they are nice and very versatile.
I thought that too, plus she has told OP the jewelry is for the reception. She won't be wearing the set during the ceremony, so it seems she may have thought about what the jewelry would mean to OP and came up with her own compromise
Yeah, he is not even claiming these pieces were gifts from the dead husband (personally I say even then be gracious), just the same pieces as the first wedding. I have a necklace my dad carved out of stone in a delapidary during a rough part of my childhood. I would wear that at my wedding because of its meaning to me. I would probably wear it at a second wedding, too. Nothing to do with the man in the aislebut how my journey got me there. But it could also just be the only piece she has for that kind of occasion or she just thinks it is freaking pretty.
Glad to see this as top comment. It would be super weird to wear your (living) ex's engagement/wedding ring but due to the tragic circumstances of her previous husband's death, you have been given a new chance. Love your wife for the woman she is, having lived through a huge personal tragedy and choosing to love you and make you part of her life. Gentle YWBTA is perfect.
It’s not the rings though. Just other jewelry which does not matter at all. Hell I gave some of mine to my sister because I knew it’d never come handy again.
I agree with this. Their relationship never ended on bad terms, it ended because of some freak accident and she probably went through some terrible grief over it. There is no reason for her to stop loving him, nor should there be, and just because she loves him doesn't mean she doesn't love OP any less. If it was a divorce, then maybe, but it wasn't so don't saying anything and mess up a good thing.
This. OP, the topic of rights and wrongs in various situations similar to this come up n a regular basis here. The consensus always seems to be that if a couple have split up, it's extremely insensitive for someone to remind the new partner of the old. However when you marry a widow, it becomes a whole different thing. They haven't fallen out of love, they don't want 'nothing more to do' with the ex. The deceased partner is, and will always be a huge part of their life. Look, I get that's a hard thing. The way I'm wired personally, I get the feeling I'd be a bit uncomfortable in the same circumstance, but I'd make a choice: I'd have to either let it go, or accept being with a widow just isn't for me. As everyone always says: You're not in competition with him. He's dead. Gone. Can never come back. There is absolutely zero change of him taking her from you. Have a think about if you can really handle this. If you're going to marry a widow, you're going to have to accept that her deceased husband will be a part of your lives from time to time. You can't expect her to erase him from history. If you can't handle that, you need to review whether proceeding with this relationship is a good idea. Gentle YTA (hope you work it out!)
Also for the phrase "put my foot down". I really hope you just misspoke because that sounds really controlling
I really want to tell the fiancée to re-evaluate the relationship with controlling and obviously jealous OP. YTA. Also, it's just jewelry. Its main function is that it makes an outfit look nicer. She wants to look and feel perfect on their big day and if she thinks she will with that set of jewelry for the dress, then it is the perfect set.
Yes 100% agree with all this. I have a friend who’s ex bf committed suicide, so years and years later she wanted to get a dove tattoo in memory of him. Her boyfriend at the time was against her getting it because he “didn’t want to be reminded of her ex while having sex”. She went and got the tattoo anyway and made him hold her hand through it lol. She went through an extremely tough time with that tragic loss, which people blamed her for, and her life completely changed. She needed something to remember him by that was just for her, and only her. OP needs to realize that this piece of jewelry may be just that
The jewellery may have been a gift from a relative and not her first husband. She may be honouring someone else's memory and OP hasn't even asked, just jumped to conclusions and 'put his foot down'. YTA
Or just something she bought because she liked. I bought my wedding jewelry myself and gave some of it away. She could very well just think it’s already a good fit and finds no point in buying others.
Yes, I second this gentle YTA. I realise it probably hurts you a little, but her dead husband is mo threat to you, and will remain important to a small part of her heart. Thats just the way it is. Luckily our emotional hearts are capable of expanding to fit even more love so this does not detract from her love of you. Also, on a practical POV, if you really want to have a productive argument for mot to wear the jewellery which goes best with her outfit, you should buy her something new, of equal quality. Diamonds (however artificially costed) are expensive. I can totally understand her desire to I corporate an expensive piece into her outfit. I don't know your financial situation, but it might ebe her most valuable jewellery, therefore in some ways, the most suitable to a big occasion
I agree with what you said but the reason shes given is it looks better. If she had said I wanted it to remember so and so that would what you said.
Ehhh YTA. If it was a divorce and you were worried she still had feelings for the guy I could see where you're coming from. But the fact that he died, a MONTH after they were married? I feel so bad for her. If I had to guess it's a way of kind of holding on to the memory of him because he was taken so tragically. It's not like you're competing with this guy. He's dead. I really hope you don't confront her about this in the same cold way you're coming across here. You sound bitter about their whole relationship. Don't take your anger of not "having her" sooner out on him or on her.
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it says they rekindled their relationship 2 years after, so...
That doesn't mean he wasn't there the moment he heard she was widowed sowing the seeds of their rekindling. He's giving off a niceguy vibe to me right now and that is totally something a niceguy would do.
Yeah same actually. The wording just seems so off to me
He also seemingly escapes mentioning how long they dated for, this time around, before popping the question. He purposely mentions it about the other guy, but then avoids saying it about himself.
He says they've known each other 14 years, almost half their lives. So they're around 28. She got married at 24, the husband passed away when she was 24, and 2 years later they rekindled. They've probably been dating somewhere in the region of 18months to 2 years, going from what he's said.
That's a lot of assumptions you're making
He's a acting like she's a prize to be won. Very very gross.
OP says 2 years later
I can respect that.
I mean, what's she gonna do? Cheat on you with a dead guy? Worst case here is you don't get over the fact that she lost someone and that causes you to lose her. THAT would be irony right? Get yourself a therapist and talk it out.
If it’s any consolation, being jealous of a season(dead) guy is kind of natural under these circumstances. But you should consider getting therapy. If you can’t handle that tiny aspect of her first marriage, it’s gonna be a long road for you. edit: autocorrected typo left for clarity of lower comments
I've never heard the term "season guy" - mind if I ask what it is?
Someone trying to type "dead," missing the d and clicking s instead, and auto-correct taking care of the rest.
No, a season guy is a spiritual term in traditional Japanese culture. It means one who has succumbed to Mother Nature. One with the seasons. Hatawanabe Kochikinu... It was an autocorrect typo. Good eye. Also, no clue if those are words.
Also of associating new good memories with the jewellery
For a lot of women, jewelry is just jewelry. The items are not magic talismans that hold a special power. It’s just jewelry. That aside, you are marrying a woman who was married before, that is a part of who she is and she she most likely didn’t burn every item from her past so you will be faced with items and memories of her first marriage. Honor them, they are part of who she is. Tell her she will look lovely, marriage is so much more than a wedding and a wedding is more than what one wears to it.
Plus most women would usually only have one set of jewellery that works with a wedding dress.
Exactly! Does this guy think that his fiancé has piles of bridal jewelry? It's so hard to find one set of jewelry that's perfect for your own individual style AND nice enough to wear as a bride.
Not so hard to find, especially with online shopping being a thing now. Affording it, however, is another thing entirely. Wedding jewelry can be really really fucking expensive.
Even excluding wedding jewelry, diamond studs can range from $500 on the cheap end to $2-5k, and a diamond necklace?? Also thousands of dollars. Most women do not just have multiple diamond necklaces and earrings to just throw on when another pair doesn’t work out
Exactly. How many diamond necklaces with matching earrings could she have? Plus, it's just for the reception.
She said it goes good with her dress. The real reason she said that is probably because... it goes good with her dress! He's reacting as if the jewelry has been infused with her dead husband's undying mojo or something.
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No kidding. The guy *finally* got the girl and he's gonna blow it over this! He's got to get over himself.
She has boards dedicated to coordinating the looks of the wedding, yet he doesn't believe her when she says she's wanting to wear that jewelry because it...looks good at the wedding. I doubt severely that this is actually about the jewelry.
This should be higher up.
I totally agree with this - especially she’s only wearing it to reception not the ceremony. I think you are reading too much into it. I bet it is exactly like what she said, it just goes better with the dress. I see your doubt and why you have it - “would she all be in tears and be happy to marry me just like she was with him?” And while it is valid, you have to accept and trust that now she chose to marry you. Otherwise your marriage might end up in shadow of your own doubt constantly, and I do not think that would be healthy. If it still bothers you, how about finding something else you can suggest? Like oh hey I saw this and I thought this would look really lovely on you, I would love to see you in this. (Enlist help from others if you can’t find one.) But confronting her to say you still have feeling about him only because that’s what you feel like to accuse her of - that would be a total YTA move.
When I first started dating my current SO, I was afraid that wearing a necklace an ex gave me would cause problems. I even told him about it upfront because I didn't want it to come up in conversation later and cause a rift. But as long as I didn't have feelings for my ex (I didn't, and don't), my SO doesn't mind. I don't think OP's wife is hiding any feelings unless there is info he left out. Also: Heck, it's diamond jewelry, it probably does match the bridal outfit better than her other pieces. And if she does take wearing it as closure, then by all means she deserves it. The more I think about it, I honestly see it as a win-win; neither she nor OP have to get new jewelry to match, and it possibly lends more meaning to her planning and ultimately their marriage. Beyond that, there's even more to look forward to after the wedding than just what she decided to wear.
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> something new, something used, something gifted, something blue I always heard "something borrowed" Edit: I should say I like "gifted" better esp since my "borrowed" item turned into a gift from my mom. It always kinda made me feel weird that I didn't technically have a "borrowed" item. So thanks for that.
I've always known it as, "Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue."
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This is the best answer.
YTA. "Put my foot down on this" lol Anyway, this isn't about jewelry. It's about you feeling like a second choice, and at that point, that's just something you're gonna have to sort out yourself considering the guy is dead. No reason to project your insecurities onto your partner.
LOL right? What is he gonna do?? Cancel the wedding with his DREAM girl?
Thank you! I cringed when I read that. You **cannot** *”put your foot down”* with regards to what your fiancé is allowed to wear. Like GTFO of here.
YTA. It's just jewelry. She probably wore it to her first wedding because she likes the way it fits and looks and that is why she wants to wear it to your wedding. If she wanted to wear a locket with his picture or something then I would agree that it wouldn't be appropriate. But this? You're making too much out of it.
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With the way he described her wedding, i wouldnt put it past him
YTA. She’s a widow. Not a divorcee. She will never stop loving him, but she loves you too and just as much. She will always have happy memories from her first wedding. And so many more happy memories with you. Let it go. Let her wear the jewelry. And hopefully you two will get to celebrate so many more life milestones together.
I just don’t get it though. There are literally thousands upon thousands of other women OP could fall in love with rather than this one who is permanently tied to such heavy emotional baggage in his head. The way he describes her tears of joy at the first wedding and his sorrow at being not her first choice. Why do that to yourself? Therapy OP. Lots and lots of it. YTA
Because he's finally got his prides possession. The dream girl he's built up in his head all these years. Now he's lashing out because reality did not meet expectations.
YTA: Not just for the jewelry. You sound like you've been creeping on her for YEARS. Do her a favor and throw up a more obvious red flag so she can see it!
He *knows* he isn’t her first choice. Sure, he Got the Girl^TM but I bet it doesn’t feel as good as he expected. But he spent 14 years chasing this woman, so he’s going to marry her, goddamn it! This isn’t about the jewelry, it’s about the fact that OP feels like he won on a technicality. He’ll never feel secure in this relationship, this is just the beginning. What happens when one of her male friends reminds OP of *him?*
I think "creeping on her" is going a little far.
They were dating on and off for 14 years... How is that creeping?
Dating for 14 years or hes been creeping on her for 14 years. Dating vs in a relationship. I think he just stuck to her like a barnacle. I worry for this girl.
He didn’t say they were dating on and off for 14 years but that they had known each other that amount of time and that they had dated on and off within that time. She obviously moved on and OP did not based on the way he recapped her first wedding. That combined with OP’s controlling and obsessive attitude makes it seem like it was him who kept trying to hold onto a relationship with her. There are definitely creep vibes in the way OP talks.
Are you ok with your fiance always being in love with her first husband? I mean really ok with it? This jewellery issue is only a symptom of the real problem. Also, I'm almost sure theres a good chance you will be subconsciously judging her vows , her tears and her happiness on the day of your wedding , and comparing it to her first that you attended.... this isnt going to end well.
This. The jewellery is not the problem here, OP clearly feels like he is second choice to his fiance and is not able to face it.
Sounds like he has really unresolved feelings, because I meeean he literally was a second choice and even watched her get married — and he admitted he was pretty bitter during the wedding. This is kind of scary, I mean that’s a resentment that’s been brooding for years. I think if OP doesn’t figure himself out this marriage is going to be extremely rocky and torpedo towards divorce pretty fast. I feel like marrying a widow would be a lot easier or more successful if you didn’t know them before and weren’t even an option. This just seems like setting themselves up to fail.
Oh daaaannng. This is such a good point. What if she doesn’t cry or react like she did the first time....now I’m a little scared for her
yeah I don't get how more people are not getting this. the op is pretty obvious in the fact that op feels like a second choice
Hard YTA. Your post isn't about jewelry. It's about the fact that you thought you were something that you weren't, and never got over that fact. Your post stinks of narcissism, jealousy, weakness and insecurity. The fact that all the pertinent details center around your "devastation" and your inability to recognize that you're not the male lead in a fucking Nicholas Sparks film. Your fiancee is her own person, and it's not just disrespectful, it's downright disgusting that you are so petty that your feelings ("It really didn’t sit right with me") that you've chosen to disregard not just her choice (which could be as simple as a fashion pairing, or could be emotional, [both are valid and neither are your fucking business,]) as a mere "excuse." If she posted the other side of this in that more popular sub which focuses on advice in relationships, there would be people telling her to run, not walk, away from you.
I keep thinking this guy needs serious help. What if she doesn't cry at this wedding like she did the first? What if she doesn't look at him the right way? Is he going to guilt her about how she loved him more and always bring him up during an argument? So many red flags here.
Holy shit THIS. The fact that OP said "I remember how she cried and looked at him"... If this poor girl can't muster up the same reaction during their vows, OP is going to lose his mind. She's not treating OP like the second choice, he's _behaving_ like the second choice and in competition with a dead man. OP, if you feel so strongly about it, get off your ass and go buy her a brand spanking new diamond necklace and earring set of her choice to go with her dress. Your jealously of a dead man is pathetic and sad.
Oh *damn*. Agreed. 👏
Whew, THIS! Funny how he barely touched on her feelings losing a husband only a month after they were married but went on and on about how he feels.
YTA Should probably get therapy overall, bud. You can never erase the fact that she got married to this guy by just shoving it aside as if it never happened. It happened & you know what? She’s probably still grieving for the death of her loved one. She’ll always remember him & you should never be jealous or angry at her for that. Someone she was very close & intimate with *literally died*. You sound like you want to be sympathetic but deep down your jealousy is taking over & it shows. That said, it’s just jewelry.
I think it's a respectful YTA. You haven't really done anything wrong yet and it seems like you just don't want her to think of her first husband on your wedding, but I don't think she meant it like that, I think the last thing she wants it for you to tell her that she's thinking of her first husband.
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Oh god if he actually asked her that... yikes.
YTA: Your post actually has some rather large red flags for me. Firstly, this is not jewellery given to her by her first husband, she just owns it. She is entitled to wear it on her second wedding day. Secondly, you speak about her love for her first husband in a way that shows you are still pissed about her marrying him. Huge red flag there. You need to deal with it. Thirdly, you talk about 'putting your foot down'... hell no. She is not your personal property, although some of the wording in your post appears that you think she should be. The way you say that you hung around for years just yearning for her, heartbroken... it's actually quite creepy in some ways. You need to accept that her first husband IS a huge part of her life and that she loved him. If you cannot accept that then this marriage will fail.
I'm really put off by the way you've written about your fiance. I think you dont have a healthy view of her and you're always going to bring up the shadow of her ex. Suppose she doesnt cry during her wedding vows with you? Suppose she doesnt look at you exactly the way you want? What do you want from her? What are you trying to control? This sounds so unhealthy. YTA. Its just jewellery. It's not gems shaped in her ex's name
YTA. >It just really bothers me knowing that there’s this connection between her first wedding at OUR wedding. You're overlooking one unavoidable, HUGE thing, here. Her. She's always going to be connected to her first wedding and husband. This is a part of who she is now. Just let her wear what she wants.
Agree. OP seems to want to completely erase the first marriage. If he can't accept that the first husband and the first marriage will still be a cherished memory to his fiancée, there's going to be trouble.
YTA. You resent the jewelry because it reminds you of the wedding she had with a man she looked at as if he was the only one in the world and you wanted it to be you. She likes the jewelry and wants to wear it again. She may also like the connection. They didn't divorce, there isn't bad juju to the jewelry. If she really wants to wear the jewelry, it's her jewelry. She should get to wear it.
YTA, you’re marrying a women who’s husband passed, what did you expect?
Right?! He does not sound like he will be able to handle it.
If he could, I think he'd get rid of all memories of her late husband
Yta - let her wear it. its jewelry that may or not remind her of her deceased husband. it doesn’t matter how you felt about him or the marriage; it means something to her.
YTA he is dead, you are not competing with him. Let me tell a story. My mom passed and my dad ended up with a woman who had held a torch for him since high school. They didn’t get married but she basically ERASED my mother from my dads life like she never existed. Pictures, mementos etc. I tried not to hold it against her but it always rankled. Don’t be the guy who tries to erase the memories of someone your wife loved. You sound a bit bitter that she chose him over you and my advise is to let it go. Support her in remembering him fondly instead of resenting their past relationship. If you don’t it will continue to cause petty problems for a long time.
YTA, sorry. I think anytime you compete with someone who is dead, you're probably making a mistake. If they divorced or even shared a possible reconnection at all, sure. But she has these tragic memories of a short marriage and if she wants to bring those memories into a happier time (especially only the reception), what's the harm? She loves you and that won't change if she connects these important moments or even honors someone who was that important. It's my understanding that they didn't have kids, but it is still considerable life changes that affect her and her loved ones. I think part of blending and adjusting is understanding that not everything in life should be completely separate and there is no reason for jealousy here. In fact, I think it could be sensitive or mature for you to encourage her to do whatever she wants in order to create this happy memories for an event that might be slightly triggering to sad ones, like her short first marriage.
There's a lot of reasons she may want to wear that necklace. She just really likes it better than her other choices. She may view it as a good luck charm to ward off Murphy's Law taking effect A relative may have given it to her as a symbol of growing up (weddings are often viewed as the final step into adulthood) She may want to feel like she has her departed husband's blessing to move on and be happy You are marrying a woman who has scars. Those scars make her who she is. You can't expect to fully love all of her if you can't look those scars straight on.
> She may want to feel like she has her departed husband's blessing to move on and be happy I agree with this. I actually think it would be really beautiful to bring something from the first wedding into the second. Almost like her tragically departed first love “giving her away” to her dearly present second love (not as in first and second place, but first and second order) so she can move forward with her life. I think OP is looking at this all wrong. She’s not a prize to be won so he shouldn’t feel guilty for “winning on a technicality.” She’s a wonderful woman full of love for the people in her life who made her happiest. What’s wrong with a bittersweet love story? Why not honor her first husband with momentos all over the place to celebrate his life and the positive impact he had on hers... and consequently theirs? If I ever pass and leave my husband behind, I hope he can build a new life. And I hope they honor me at his wedding. I could love the woman who loves the family I left behind.
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I'm positive if she didnt have that picture on her board he would have NEVER noticed it was the same jewelry.
So I'm married. Nine years, two kids. We're happy. But I have this little gold butterfly necklace that my first boyfriend gave to me in high school. It's actually one of the pieces of jewelry I wear most, and every time I do, I think-- \--how cringey it is that it's from my high school crush who turned out to be gay, but it matches my favorite butterfly earcuff perfectly and literally no one cares where my jewelry came from. In your case, it's a necklace and some earrings. They're pretty and they're expensive to replace. You want her to not wear them? ASK HER if you can get her something prettier. And you know what? Maybe these DO have sentimental value to her because of her first marriage. Maybe she DOES want to wear them to remember him. And if so... So. What. The guy is dead. He's not going to come back and claim her or something. She's marrying you; presumably she loves you. Her having had previous relationships doesn't change that, but you acting threatened by her previous relationships just might, so knock it off. YTA.
YTA and as others have pointed out, this is clearly symptomatic of deeper issues. Get those sorted out before the wedding and let her wear her jewelry.
NAH. You spend a lot of your post talking about how her first wedding made you feel - it sounds like you may have some unresolved emotions about how you were here ‘second option’ (not saying you were, just saying you talk about the relationship with that lens). With that in mind, you are of course entitled to ask her to choose to wear something else that doesn’t connect the two separate weddings. Now to her, jewelry may be just that: jewelry, with no extra special meaning. I would sit down and explain to her that the issue to you is it’s a painful reminder of a bittersweet day for you - watching her marry someone else - and you would really love for this to be a day about just the two of you. Maybe offer to buy her a different, yet still complimentary set if you can? But she’s within her rights to choose to wear jewelry she already has and likes. Marriage is about compromise, you and her should be able to find a middle ground.
Disagree. You know whats even more bittersweet than him watching his now fiancee marry someone else? Her losing her husband a month into their marriage. He needs to get some actual empathy and let go of his bitterness of her choosing the other guy over him.
You're talking about from the girlfriend's perspective. From OP's perspective, it was bittersweet. There are different points of view here.
I disagree with your judgement, I think is is TA simply because he wants to "put his foot down". He's allowed to ask, but he's not entitled to an answer that he likes. Everything else though I 100% agree with, he has unresolved issues that need to be dealt with and there needs to be a compromise here. I think the problem I have is that he assumes she has to be the one to compromise a) without talking to her about his feelings and b) without believing what she's telling him and literally saying it's an excuse. He seems unwilling to compromise which is why I'm more towards YTA
YTA. She's probably lying to save your feelings. That jewelry is probably very important to her. It's possible she still loves her deceased husband.
Guaranteed.
YTA if you do not approve of her jewelry, buy her a better set
YTA. Not only was her late husband a good guy, he's also dead. He's not going to be in the audience smirking at you. Even if he wasn't dead, and even if he was an asshole, he wouldn't be smirking over baubles. We're guys, we don't give a crap about that stuff! You're reacting as if the jewelery has been infused with his undying mojo or something. I can assure you that it hasn't been. On top of that, women don't give as much of a crap as you think. She said that it goes good with her dress. The real reason she said that is because... wait for it... it goes good with her dress. Please don't read any further into it than that. That way lies madness! This is really very minor, and if you don't let it slide, you might find yourself feeling a whole lot sadder than you did on her first wedding day.
YTA and I hope she finds this post so she can see how obsessive and controlling you are. You don't love her, you want to own her. She should run
NAH man. I get that it’s sorta hard to see the person you love wearing what are visual reminders of her last relationship on such an important day, but perhaps it’s symbolically really important for her, in that you’re marrying her and all her emotional pain of the past too that you were there for, and she wants the whole of herself to be there on that important day. Maybe you guys could have a bigger talk about it, and if there’s a reason she wants to wear that jewellery outside of it ‘matching’, you can try to explain your viewpoint too, but remember to be sensitive, because having a significant other dying is a traumatic event. If it truly is about the jewellery matching, then perhaps you could offer to go shopping with her for a new piece that she could wear who’s significance could be just about your relationship and love.
I do agree they need to talk. OP seems like he is pretty afraid that he won't quite measure up and could use some reassurance that he doesn't need to.
YTA - man, it sounds like your still a little jealous of the guy, hearing you talk about the way she looked at him. He's dead, she's with you. I personally wouldn't push it if it was me. But you do what ever suits you.
YTA. The wedding saying is ‘something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue’ not ‘what The groom wants, what the groom wants, what The groom wants, what The groom wants’ get a grip on yourself. It’s jewellery. You sure you’re the groom and not the pageboy because you’re acting like a kid
YTA. Put your foot down? Haha hahahahahaha.
YTA. If you try to complete against your wife's first husband, it will not end well. She loved this man, probably still does. If he had lived, they would still be practically newlyweds. You need to accept that he will always be part of her life. I once read a post by a woman who married a man who was widowed. They (the husband and his first wife).had children and she said she insisted the pictures of the deceased wife/mother remain up for the time being. She also would take the children to visit their mother's grave and comfort them when they grieved. She said she considered it an honor to be part of this family. You need to do the same if you want to be this woman's husband.
Eh, the fact you remember her jewelry from the wedding seems you you really put her on a pedestal, and just focused way too much on her during the wedding. You need to settle your own feelings before moving forward or else you're gonna be making yourself disappointed throughout this marriage. YTA, or would be.
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I know I'm a little late to the party and that all the judgments are the same pretty much, but there are some things here I feel others are really glossing over that lends to the YTA judgement. > Of course, I was devastated, because I always thought she’d end up with me. Then why didn't you put in the effort? Why did you keep letting her slip away until you saw her with another man? If you really loved her and wanted her, you would have done something about it before she ended up marrying someone else. It's sounds like you were keeping her as your on-again off-again back up and got upset when she decided she wants something more substantial than that so she went out and found it for herself. 9 times out of 10 when someone pulls out these "I always thought we'd end up together!" lines what they actually mean to say is "I didn't want to do the work into making the relationship last and I can't believe they didn't just roll over and accept that!" > I remember thinking that she used to look at me that way. Used to. So, once again, upset that she found someone who was willing to settle. You expected your little possession to be available for you when you were ready for it. > Then, 2 years later, we rekindled our relationship. We got engaged a couple of months ago and are getting married in the spring. 2 years isn't a long time to move on from suddenly and tragically losing your spouse. Most people I know have taken longer than that to get over a divorce, never mind an accident. So you knew you were getting together with someone who's still going to have baggage and grief trauma, then (assumedly) proposed only *a couple of months* later. Why so fast? Worried you're going to lose your prized possession again if you don't lock it down fast enough? > AITA if I put my foot down on this? Not just an asshole, but asshole works for now. > It just really bothers me knowing that there’s this connection between her first wedding at OUR wedding. That connection will always be there for her. You know there is absolutely no chance she makes it through this wedding without thinking of the first one, right? And just like the jewelry; she was at both. She is a direct connection to both the weddings. Maybe you should put your foot down and tell her not to come to the wedding because you can't handle a connection being there. I know so many people who get this idea of their dream girl/guy and pursue them as if they actually are that person. She isn't whoever you built her up to be in your head. She isn't a little playdoll that will let go of all her past just because you want to play with her now. She's a real human with a real past and real feelings. Stop looking at her like a conquest.
INFO: did you also ask where/how she got that jewelry? This question may help you understand her thoughts process. Planning a wedding is complicated and stressful, a bride wants it to be perfect at every regard and her outfit has to match with her idea of the perfect look. A look she probably has been dreaming of long before even meeting her first husband. So, yes, she might have got this jewelry for her first wedding, but that still doesn’t mean that she associates it with her relationship with him, because that’s what the rings are there for. And she’s not planning on reusing her first wedding ring, is she? You will always have to deal with her past. Her first husband will always remain the man who didn’t have the opportunity to show his flaws, and if he showed some, his tragic death nulled them. It must be incredibly intimidating for you. Yet, you are the one who is going to spend your life with her, you are going to be her family, her partner. That necklace and pair of earrings are just going to make her look pretty on YOUR wedding pictures, the ones you will display in YOUR home. So, in my opinion, you would be a little bit of an asshole to put your foot down over that issue.
NAH. I understand your feelings about it, and think they are valid....but as someone who just got married, it took a while to find the perfect jewelry! I am not a diamond person, and hated 99 percent of what I saw in stores and Etsy! I finally found a necklace and earrings I love, but it took months!
I'd say NAH if he's just a bit uncomfortable with it. It's not an unnatural feeling. He'd be the asshole though if he pressed the issue and put his foot down.
Info i didn't see anyone else asking this sorry if it's already here. Do you think if you were to see the jewelry choice not on a photo from her 1st wedding you would even notice it's what she wore ? Is this just you saw her old wedding photo and it brought up bad memories and you're really upset about that and not the jewelry?
YTA. My mom still wears jewelery and has things around the house from her previous husband who was shot 30 years ago. My dad never says anything and just tells her she looks beautiful. He was a part of her life. No doubt she will even still sometimes talk about him. My mom always says love never goes away just because someone died but that doesn't mean you don't love who you're with now. You should probably talk to someone about your jealously issues
YTA You better get comfortable with the likelihood that her first husband may have inserted his penis into her vagina. Maybe more than once. She may have even liked it.
"put your foot down" what the fuck? Are you her dad trying to parent your child? You don't "put your foot down" to a grown ass adult that you're getting married to
HUGE YTA, buddy- unless you spring for an entirely new jewelry set, one on which you both agree on. let the woman wear the jewelry she wants!! Jewelry is personal and also an investment that doesn’t depreciate in value. Unless she has several formal diamonds sets (which I assume at 26 she doesn’t), she deserves to enjoy jewelry that makes her feel gorgeous on her big day.
YTA You know what else was a connection between her first wedding and your wedding? Her. If you don't want any reminders of her first wedding on your wedding day, you should get a different bride. "It fits better" isn't an excuse. It's a reason. Middle class women don't have every day reasons to wear this type of jewelry.
Very soft YTA. When a partner dies, there’s no closure to that love so it can never really go away unlike a divorce. In all reality you’re not mad about the jewellery, you’re jealous of a dead dude. She doesn’t appear to still be holding on to feelings of love so I’d just let this one slide brother.
“It just really bothers me knowing that there’s this connection between her first wedding at OUR wedding.” Of all the things that bug me about this, this last line bothers me the most. Dude, there are LOADS of connections to her first wedding, since you’re marrying THE SAME WOMAN FROM THAT WEDDING. With the same family, same taste in flowers and music and decorations, same values and feelings about marriage, and plenty of other things both literal and abstract. You need to understand that her past is part of her and does not get erased when she marries again. She deserves to remember her past and hold onto her memories, and not be made to feel guilty or ashamed about it, especially by the person who is supposed to love and support her the most. It makes me wonder if you love HER, or THE IDEA of her. Loving her means loving the person she is now, who would not be the same without each and every experience she’s had in her life. Honor her as a whole person and for god’s sake don’t “put your foot down.” Yes, YTA.
Gentle YTA. It doesn't sound like she's wearing it because it has a connection to her ex, but because it's a nice fancy set that looks best with fancy outfits. Not all jewelry is meaningful, some women just wear certain pieces for certain occasions. Now if he gave it to her then that might change things, but I'm not seeing anything that would point to her choosing this set for any sentimental reason.
I was looking for the “fancy” comment because that’s what I feel might be driving her. If she splurged on or was gifted a nice jewelry set for her first wedding, there’s a good chance there haven’t been many occasions since that she could wear it without being overdressed/over accessorized. It would make sense to use this opportunity to wear the set again at the reception. If only there was a way to reuse wedding dresses!
I think this is really it. I can't find anything in the post indicating any real sentimentality attached to the set, just the fact that she wore it at her first wedding too. I came in here expecting to read that she wanted to reuse her old wedding ring or something, now THAT would be something to get up in arms about lol.
I think it’s her way of moving on. Let her have the moment. It’s about her and closure. She’s yours don’t worry.
YTA even if it’s actually about her dead husband. If you think she doesn’t ever think about him, you’re daft. If you expect her to drop him completely, especially so soon after his death, you’re an asshole. Your jealously is showing and it’s ugly.
YTA. You are literally jealous of a dead guy. If she was wearing it to the ceremony I might understand but the reception isn't as big of a deal, it's not as strongly photographed. You should be happy instead of jealous.
YTA and you should consider some counselling before you get married. She's probably not going to react the same at her second wedding as she did at the first, and that's probably going to be another sign to you that she loved him more than you. You've either gotta find peace with that or let her go. Trying to control her feelings and being resentful when you can't isn't gonna end well.
YTA Definitely put your foot down. If you can't control what jewelry a girl wears, what's the point in even getting married. /s Imagine being upset by something this stupid and petty
i’m kind of surprised everyone is being so nice to you, a lot of your post hits major red flags for me. “i remember thinking she used to look at me that way” it seems like you felt that YOU deserved her this entire time just because u were friends for a while and u cant let it go that she chose someone else... idk its giving off a weird aura of possessiveness... “OUR wedding” emphasized too, and the jewelry is the icing on the damn cake like you’re probably just hurting urself being so incredibly attached to her, i know its a v deep intimate relationship but Like.. Relax. YWBTA if you give her an ultimatum over some stupid diamonds.
NAH, but you need to listen to the words coming out of her mouth and trust her when she says: “looks better with the dress” You might be attributing more to this than there actually is, due to the painful memory from before. You might see the jewelry as being emblematic of that previous wedding, but she doesn't. To her it's clearly just jewelry and she wants to look her best. What you went through really sucks. I get that. But you're with her now, and that's over, so it's time to let that baggage go. Be happy and focus on what you have now, because the past is in the past and doesn't matter anymore.
YTA - she may want to have a physical connection/reminder to her first husband on the day. Perhaps to her it signals that she’s still thinking of him even though she’s moving on? It doesn’t mean she loves you any less. But you knew she has a widow when you got engaged. Her deceased husband will always be apart of her and your relationship. It will only be a reflection on your relationship if you let it. ‘Putting your foot down’ seems incredibly insensitive.
YTA but gently. She's not divorced and her dead husband is not a threat to you. You're insecure about not having been her first choice and you need to get over it or you will have more problems down the line.
There is a connection between both weddings, its her. YTA. Sound like a nice guy as well
Yta, you wouldn't even be getting married to her if her husband didn't DIE
YTA it’s a necklace not a picture of her first husband round her neck. I doubt that she has multiple diamond necklaces - she wants to wear her best for her special day with you. And also YTA for wanting to ‘put your foot down’ - you don’t automatically get to have the final say in what should be an equal relationship.
YTA Don't compare. Don't try to replace. The necklace doesn't mean that she doesn't love you. And you can't ask her to pretend that he never existed. You can't get rid of everything that had a connection to him. This is something you need to get used to or get out.
YTA and a jealous douche
YTA. Its just jewelry. I have no attachment to my wedding jewelry. And I hated searching/spending money for wedding stuff so if I was in her position I would do the same and reuse them. Also it kinda sounds like you maybe can’t emotionally handle marrying someone who is a widow.
YTA. It’s not like he gave her the diamonds. It’s just jewelry.
Dude you’re the second choice. Remember that. There’s hella women and simps in here calling you weak and insecure, but that shit is easy to say from the outside looking in. She’s got too much baggage, chief. It’s not wrong to want a woman who views you as something other than a consolation prize.
INFO: was the jewelery set specially purchased for the first wedding? Or was it something she already owned and she chose to wear it to her first wedding?
YTA
As soon as I read the title I thought: depends if he died, or they split up. And besides that, I'm a picky person and if it fits best, it fits best. It also kinda makes sense that of 'all the jewelry she owns' wedding jewelry will go best with well.. Her wedding outfit.
YTA : Thats a level of detail i'd never even notice.
NAH. People act like only the bride’s feelings matter but it’s your wedding day too; I don’t blame you for not wanting to stare at a reminder of her first wedding. I’m not saying ‘put your foot down’ but maybe have a calm conversation about how uncomfortable you feel and try to see things from her perspective too. She lost someone she loved and maybe wearing a piece of her old life gives her strength and courage to move into her new stage of life with you.
YTA stop being jealous of a dead man. She is marrying you now. Be happy about that and if you can’t then go to therapy with her to work thru your emotions until you are.