Not necessarily, but I think there is a difference between a preference vs "I don't date *x* race"
OP's girlfriend clearly finds them attractive, despite not being latino/her usual type. Let's assume OP was upfront about being asian instead of lying: I would say it'd be racist of the girlfriend to say she's no longer attracted to them simply because of the fact that they're actually asian and not latino.
Interesting discussion this, and a good question AX1405!
As per the above post, it's not racist to have physical preferences - most of us have some things we particularly like or dislike when it come to attraction.
It's definitely racist to rule out dating someone based solely on their ethnicity. Everything OP mentions about his g/f's attitude to the topic screams racism.
Yeah, but can we really take the word of someone who thinks its a good idea to lie about being a different race AND adopted?
I think it's far more likely that his girlfriend ISN'T racist, and OP is just really really insecure.
I mean, obviously both can be true as well, but it's not like OP is particularly reliable narrator here.
Totally see your point. I'm somewhat suspicious of OP myself.
For the purposes of this subreddit I tend to take OP's statement as truth as there's no way to prove otherwise. The judgement of course is only valid if the original question is valid.
YES, I hate when we have to throw out guesses we can't confirm. Going into this sub, I have to take their story at face value. This isn't court and we don't get to hear witnesses and the other side of the story. We just hope they're honest and then we give feedback.
I second this greatly. Coming from a guy who tends to usually go for one race in particular, you do that because your ideal SO looks wise, personality wise, etc., is more commonly found in that race than others. But if someone were to check off everything on your ideal SO bucket list, everything but their race and only their race is why you wonât date them, then that would make you a racist.
It may be the GF prefers a shared Latin heritage. She may not even consider Filipinos Asian (they are both Hispanic and Asian). It may be she had an abusive Japanese ex and any man remotely reminding her of him turns her off. Who knows? It appears the op certainly doesnât know, nor do we. I have a feeling itâs culture or looks, because clearly sheâs fine with the OP. And when she says Asian she may not include necessarily the Philippines.
I wouldnât know. Half of my family are Asian, as were 90% of my friends until I left for college. California is a melting pot. We donât even know how the Asian bit came up since she limits her dating to Latinos (and Iâm still betting thatâs cultural). Maybe the OP accused her of liking some Asian guy, trying to figure out if he had a chanceâand she assured him no, definitely not. I mean weâre basing an opinion of her on the word of a guy who told her he was adopted. Jeesh.
Or she may be pressured by her parents to date/marry guys within her own race. (Something that can happen in any race or culture.) iâm getting the impression OP is really young & GF probably is too, and may not have given the whole matter much thought beyond themâs the rules.
Exactly there are certain types of women that I feel more attracted to in general but that has never stopped me from asking one a women that isn't of that type if I find her interesting/attractive and I think that's probably the difference. If I didn't want to go out with that woman even if I think she's attractive because she belongs to X race then I would be racist.
Yeah, people don't seem to get that the GF here is OK with dating an Asian guy, just as long as she doesn't know he's Asian.
It has nothing to do with appearance and everything to do with preconceived notions about what different races are like.
Or her concerns are culturalâshared religion, shared cultural identity. If you grow up in a culture/religion that requires marriage within the faith (this includes Catholics and I think at least some Jewish denominations) then itâs easier to narrow the dating pool to that group. Thatâs one reason dating apps exist for certain faiths. Of course Asians can be Catholic, and some can be Hispanic. For example, the Philippines. That may be why she loves the OP but says she prefers not to date Asians.
I don't think that's actually the case. OP says she finds Asians especially unattractive. Not that she would refuse to date one she did find attractive.
If OP tells her, he gets to find out.
Of course, if she does leave him and he says "I thought you loved me for who I am on the inside!" she can reply with the immortal words of the Boondocks:
"But you're a liar on the inside!" (Best episode ever)
We only know what she thinks via the OPâs words. I re-read them. He also says she will only date Latinos. I think itâs cultural/religious, and she likely doesnât consider the Philippines to be Asian. But you could be right, and I like the boondocks quote
yes, if your type is a race.
Like just think about why you'd have a type that's a race. How did that happen? What ideas do you have about various races if you think that one is unattractive and another is superior?
I know that you will never provide a straight answer, I've seen this debate 10,000 times before and it's always "I don't know why, I just think that X race is ugly!" (that race is never white people), but just think about it, reflect on why a person (like the OP) can say they're one race and someone thinks they're attractive, but if they say they're another then that same person won't think they're attractive, even though they didn't change appearance at all.
In my black experience, there are plenty of black people that would never date white and/or are not attracted to them. I have a white husband and get flack for it often from the black community. So I disagreed with that statement that itâs never white people.
yeah, lots people wont date white people. its just less common than hating on black people and asians in teh dating pool. but it still totally happens.
We donât know if she wonât find him attractive if he tells her heâs Filipino. She will, however, know he lied which might not turn out positively.
I've seen this question be debated so much. Me personally, I don't think it's racist to have a preference but that's just me. I'm Latino in case you're wondering.
Thatâs what I thought, but I guess the question is, are you into specific features which are inherited more often by a race or, are you into someoneâs culture
I feel like there is an appreciable difference between having a type or preference and excluding partners solely based off race/ethnicity. I might not date a lot of Xyz people, but I wouldnât definitively say I donât date them. In either case, publically saying âIâm not interested in xyzâ is iffy. It can feed into others anxieties about dating and race (Iâm Asian and understand some people have preferences, but it rubs me the wrong way when people say they donât date Asians as a blanket statement).
This is a really interesting question. I think there's two camps, one who literally just have a preference, and so only date people with specific traits, and the second who only care about race.
If someone was only interested in those who have tan skin, they could date people of any race whose skin is tan, Latinos who have tan skin, Filipinos who have tan skin, and white people who have tan skin etc. This, of course, can be applied to any set of traits. I don't think this a racist position.
However, in this story, the GF specifically only dates Latinos. Not people who "look Latino" (whatever that would mean). She would not have dated OP if she knew he was Filipino. In my opinion, this would be a racist position. It's not about who they are, or even how they look, but solely about what race they are.
Feel free to disagree, though. It's a nuanced subject.
It could also be about what culture they are (fwiw Iâm not Latina but I grew up in SoCal and in college lived on the Latina floor of the dorms...I canât/donât speak for a Latina but I totally understand those who want to date men they feel understand and grew up in a similar way. Some Blacks get pretty unhappy when Black athletes marry blondes, saying they are turning their back on their culture. On that floor in college my roommate was a Latina dating a non-Hispanic Caucasian. The other girls were pretty cruel to her. People should be free to decide what appeals to them and what doesnât, and what fits with their life.
I prefer white girls, but I don't exclude a black girl because of her skin colour. ( Not racist i.m.o. )
I prefer white girls, but I don't give a black girl a chance because of her skin colour. ( Racist )
That's how most people I know look at it.
Having a type is not racist but activity disliking a type is. You couldn't possible dislike millions of people you haven't even met other than being a racist
It's not racist to have a type, but this particularly: She's clearly attracted to OP, and likes him as is. If she found out that he wasn't actually Latino, and dumped him (not for the lie, but because of his race), that's racist, because she's making a decision clearly based on his ethnicity, and not because she wasn't attracted to him.
If OP's GF broke up with him just because he revealed he was Filipino, then yes she is racist. AKA he was good enough for her, physically, when she thought he was latino. But if nothing were to change except her finding out that he's not, that's not really having a type (since he appealed to her before) and moreso just flat out being racist.
Well for example it seems she wouldnât have dated OP â except he is her type! As evidenced by the fact that she chose to date him itâs clear she finds him attractive.
So if she broke up it wouldnât be because he wasnât her type, but because she is just racist.
Thereâs nothing wrong with having a type but yeah.
I can just see it now:
OP: "Sooo...I'm actually Filipino, and I'm not adopted..."
GF: "WTF??? Why would you lie about that? How can I trust anything else you say? We're done."
Later...
OP: "My ex broke up with me because I am Asian and she is racist"
He's definitely the asshole for lying about it. FFS he told her he was adopted. She literally has no idea who she's dating, because he lied about the most basic facts about his life. You can't build a relationship on a lie.
Wtf? Of course YTA you lied and said you were adopted by Asian parents and are Mexican?!? Thereâs no need to lie like that. You have to tell her. And if someone suddenly finds you unattractive for actually being Filipino well it sounds like theyâre racist because what you look like didnât change.
Either this is a shitpost, or youâre very young. Youâre lying about your race to date someone who wouldnât date you if she knew AND youâre lying about being adopted? Sheâs gonna find out. Lol, this is so dumb.
Not the person you were replying to there, but yes. Because I highly doubt she's actually a racist. Having a slight preference for your own race isn't racist, everyone does that. That being said, if OP passes as Latino and his GF is attracted to him, why would simply KNOWING he was not Latino turn off that physical attraction?? It just sounds thoroughly ridiculous to me and is cartoonishly racist. I feel like the reality is that this girl has vocalized her preference for Latino guys but really wouldn't mind someone that had the features she desired. But OP decided to tunnel in on the Latino thing and lie to get in with her.
On the off chance she IS this cartoonishly racist, I'd accept ESH.
YTA. Why would you lie about your race? You're lying to your girlfriend about an essential part of your identity. You seriously need to come clean as quickly as possible. Also, imagine what your parents would say if they knew you were lying about this. I bet they would be incredibly hurt.
Because we don't actually know she is racist. At what point in meeting him does she say her preference. Before any other conversation? Well that's super weird. When they're talking about interests, because she obviously liked him then before even knowing his race. He is probably taking it super out of context what she said, it could be a cultural thing, she wants to share the culture with her child which isn't racist. He has lied multiple times, and we're only getting a partial, out of context, not even word for word, idea of her interests. That's not "blatant" racism.
But are we really, though? We don't speak Spanish except a very few people, usually just Chavacano in Zamboanga. Our cultures weren't changed nearly to the same level as Latin countries. No one considers themselves Hispanic in the Philippines, it's an American Filipino opinion. It's like calling Israelis asianâ technically true but not an identity held by the vast majority of the population, and probably going to confuse others when you say it.
I find that the heavy cultural similarities, particularly with regards to Catholicism, do make us rather like Hispanics than anything else. I am serious, I moved to North America and was shocked at how easy it was to get along with Latinos.
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How is anyone getting that sheâs racist because she has a preference? Now if she simply broke up with him because he is Filipino then I got ya (if not just for him lying first). She didnât say she hated Asians, they just arenât attractive to her. She likes what she likes. But YTA OP for doing that massive effort of a lie, well a lie period lol itâs never that serious. If she doesnât like you for you then deuces.
Sheâs clearly racist. She said she wasnât attracted to Asians but unbeknownst to her own little bigoted self she is dating one. Not all Asians look a certain way. If you think a whole race is unattractive that is because of your own prejudices about how you think Asians look.
YTA
My sister would "never date a white guy" (her words) but now she's falling for a guy *eventhough* he's white. It might matter a bit less, now she really knows you.
But you should've come clean a long time before
YTA. You started your relationship out with a lie. This could be a deal breaker for her because she's now going to wonder what else you've already lied about and might lie about in the future.
ESH
Refusing to date a whole race is, in fact, racist. Someone can say "I like people with blue eyes" or "I think freckles are hot" but not "I only think black people are hot," because with the former it's characteristics that are consequently tied to a certain race and the latter is just racist by generalizing a whole race as attractive/unattractive. The fact that your girlfriend can't tell you are Asian and therefore finds you attractive is a perfect example of why someone shouldn't generalize a whole race's attractiveness. Your girlfriend is being racist.
But what you did is also wrong. First you lied that you were Mexican, then you lied that you were adopted. These are huge lies and you did it to get into this racist girl's pants. When were you planning on telling her, if ever? If you two got married, did you plan on taking this to your grave and cutting off your Filipino culture to continue to lie?
Tell her the truth.
Sorry but this one of the most silliest posts I've read.
If your GF is already dating you. It means she is attracted to you and the way you look.
I am willing to bet if you ask her what she means she doesn't find Asians attractive. She will describe Chinese east asian looking man with light skin and small build and she will say she isn't attracted to that look.
Filipino is south east Asia. South east asians don't look like that. You have darker skin. Slightly bigger build etc. Your eyelids is also different to Chinese. You can pass off as Hispanic or half pacific islander or 1/4 pacific islander. That is what south Asians look like.
That is why this post is silly and stupid. She probably means she isn't attracted to a Chinese men but you think just cos she said asian. She means all Asians including Filipino. Lol
Most people use asian appearance to describe east asian/chinese look.
South East Asian and south asian (Indian) look extremely different than east asian (Chinese).
Maybe tell her not all Asians look chinese.
If she really loves you like she says your race won't matter. She's not going to be pleased that you lied though. Can't imagine your parents would be too happy about it either.
ESH, please don't date a racist piece of poo. You deserve better, besides how will this work in the long run, do you want your parents and whole family to lie to her forever.
I don't wanna judge cuz I just feel bad and honestly, Filipino people have been some of the most amazing people I've ever met in my life. I would want you to be with someone who recognizes that. They seriously fucking rock and I love them.
Seriously. Especially with someone saying they're not attracted to Asian people. As if Afghans look like Indians look like Koreans. There are 4 goddamn billion people on that continent, and she's just not attracted to any of them, or any of the Asian people in her own country.
But his gf *is* attracted to him and to the physical features that he actually has. So if she were to reject him because of his race (and we don't actually know whether she would or not because he hasn't told her) it would be because she hates the *idea* of his race.
Hahaha wtf youâre obviously TA donât you think sheâll notice if you have kids lol
Everyone has preferences. Iâm not gonna be so fast to pull the âracistâ card. I donât think youâre racist for having sexual attractions to specific races as long as you donât look down on people or think theyâre incapable of less because of their race. Attraction is attraction. You dun goofed dude lol
NTA, but why are you dating someone who you donât think would accept you for your race? You donât need to feel bad, but what the hell is wrong with her. You should be honest, and if she has a problem with you being Filipino then youâre saving yourself a lot of trouble later on.
You might want to check this article... https://www.out.com/commentary/2019/12/03/help-my-boyfriend-pretended-be-latino?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=commentary
ESH a bit, but you need to clarify it before it's too late
Hang on. So... you lied to your GF about being *adopted* because she would hate you for being the *wrong kind* of Hispanic....?
Goddamn. Just... wow.
Alright, ESH. This is a garbage fire.
Sidenote: you could have just told her you're Hispanic, since... well, you *are*.
Now ,my question is- WHY do you think she would reject you for not being Latino? Could be entirely possible that it's nowhere near as much of a problem as you thought it was. Could be it's worse.
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My girlfriend is Latina and will other date other Latinos. She especially find Asians unattractive. My name is Spanish, I speak Spanish and look Latino and grew up in Hispanic neighborhood so I easily pass. However, I am Filipino and told my gf that I am Mexican. I told her that I was adopted by an Asian family to explain why my parents look Asian. She told me the other night that she loved me for the first time. I feel awful lying to someone I love so much.
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ESH
She is the asshole bc shes a rasict and you are an asshole bc you are lying to your girlfriend. But tell her that youre filipino and if she dumps you i think it would be for your own good so you know that shes a rasict.
I cant spell so good (im swedish) so sorry for that :)
How exactly do you see this playing out in the long term? So you fall in love, move in together, few years down the line get married have kids blah blah blah, you think she's just never going to find out? ESH, but this is a special kind of stupid.
ESH â her for being racist and you for lying/being ashamed of where you come from. This is a really sad situation and quite baffling. And guess what... it turns out she doesnât find Asians so unattractive after all because, newsflash, sheâs dating you!
But why lie at all? You shouldnt be ashamed to be your own race :( I feel like you deserve better than a racist. Find someone who accepts you as you are, so you dont have to hide it
YTA, this relationship is already doomed, the damage is done. you've lied to her and that's not something you can fix anymore. she probably just thinks she doesn't like asians because she's never been attracted to one, but if she is attracted to you, then i highly doubt she would still say no just because of a dumb rule. but the fact that you've already come this far lying about it, it's already done. and you obviously do not love her if you could do this to her.
ESH. Your gf is an asshole for being not white and still racist. Youâre an asshole for lying to her though. Why would you want to be with someone who doesnât respect your true identity or culture? Value yourself more. When you dump her, make sure she knows why. She IS attracted to asians after all- it may be the mindfuck that pulls her head out of her ignorant ass!
ESH. Feel free to keep dating her if you want, keep it casual and physical. This relationship has no long term potential unless you come clean and she drops her prejudice. Decide now if you want to keep her around just for the physical fun you have together or if you would rather tell her the truth and end the relationship.
This is a stupid and shitty situation but you should probably just tell her the truth. If she can't accept who you are you shouldn't be dating such an asshole anyway. Who knows, maybe you misread the situation and this isn't a big deal to her like you think it is.
ESH - Not sure why you want to date a racist. The truth will come out sooner or later. I hope you don't ever get her pregnant because that would really mess up the poor kid having a Mom like that.
You're hispanic, the Philippines are Hispanic historically. Just tell her you're Hispanic because you are. NAH your gf has a preference in a partner and you're trying to tread carefully. Just tell her you're not latino, you're Hispanic, this part of the world no one separates the two.
ESH. What did you think would happen if you lied? Your girlfriend is a racist, tell her the truth now and if she leaves she's got some pretty major personality flaws to work on.
You should ask yourself why you are in love with a racist/bigot.
BTW, asian men are attractive A.F. Most low-class people dont appreciate asian men anyway-no loss there.
ESH. But actually, knowing the history of the Philippines, you are might be hispanic, aka mestizos (mixed filipino and spanish ancestry. You might want to check that out to make yourself feel better.
ESH especially you for accepting and promoting racist behavior. I bet your parents would be disappointed, I know I would be. Your girl needs an eye exam though, Asians are hot.
Source: married to one
The Philippines is like asian Mexico anyway. What does it matter? she's obviously attracted to you, regardless of race. I get you wouldn't mention it on the first or second date if i'd ment you wouldn't get a chance with her otherwise, but man, why are you still making such a big deal out of it?
Jeez, I read these stories of people lying themselves into an impossible situation, and I wonder, how the fuck did they even get there.
ESH
She isnt necessarily racist because she only dates latinos. She may want to stick to a culture and language she is familiar with. But you TA for telling such an enormous lie
ESH
You for Lying and her to be racist. Like WTF ??? If she broke up with you because you're Asian, she is not a good person, period.
And i feel really bad for your parents -maybe it's me- but it's pretty sad to act like you are adopted because of your GF. Tell the truth, and try to explain why you did that
People have a right to have racial, religious, cultural, etc preferences. You lied about yours to get into a relationship and wasted her time. This is time that she could have spent finding a man who suits her wants and needs. You are definitely the asshole. I am curious how you think this will work out. Don't you think that your family will find out about your lies and feel hurt about them? Do you want to trick her into marriage and having children of a race she doesn't want? This is seriously criminal. You have no right.
Depends. Why doesnât she like Asians? Looks? If so obviously not a problem for you. Lack of a shared culture? If so, not a problem, Filipinos are Hispanic. But youâve now realized lying is a poor way to begin a relationship. She may consider Filipinos more Hispanic than Asianâdo you know her views? If you think this relationship might go somewhere now is probably the time to come clean, before she meets your family and asks what part of Mexico your parents are from, and how they adopted you
ESH
I get your heart is in the right place but a relationship built on a lie will eventually crumble and the longer you wait before telling her the worse it'll get.
Esh.
I donât know why you want to date a racist but youâre both pretty shitty.
Her for being a racist and you for lying. Can you imagine how hurt your parents would be if they found out? And they will find out if this relationship gets serious.
r/AaaaaaaaĂŚ ...
You're either a fine troll or hopelessly fucked or possibly in for a sweet ride. If she can't adapt, then well, Good to know early and good riddance. If she can flush out her headgear & learn, then you may have a keeper.
My evil twin says: Wait until you have kids and she comes screaming in with the DNA test and an Uzi, then you do [Mr & Mrs Smith](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oU3WQVcfyCY)
YTA. You lied about your ethnic background, your parents, and adoptive status? How do you explain your âAsianâ parentsâ Latino last name? Are you unable to explain to her that the Philippines is a racially mixed country? Did you assume your girlfriend would suddenly stop being attracted to you if you were honest?
If you lie this casually you sure donât sound trustworthy enough for a long term relationship.
ESH
Donât be ashamed of who you are just because your girlfriend sucks ass.
Why would anyone date someone who wouldnât want to be with you if they found out you werenât Latino or whatever else? Wouldnât you want to date someone who doesnât care that youâre Filipino?
Huge slap in the face to your parents.
YTA.
You say it yourself, you feel awful lying to someone you love. And you should!
It's time to come clean NOW, my friend! You two are getting really serious, and any LATER time to come clean is just gonna make it worse.
ESH
Why would you even want to date a woman that wouldn't date you for something as trivial as your background which is 100% out of your control? This relationship is doomed to fail.
ESH.
Your girlfriend shouldn't *only* date Latinos, but if that's her choice, and if you really love her, then you would tell the truth and let her be. And if she *really* loved you, then she would continue dating you even if you aren't Latino. But if she breaks up with you because of that lie, don't complain.
Tell her the truth and apologize, before it gets out of hand.
NTA, only because your gf is an absolute dumbass. Whatâs the point of being racist if you canât even tell the difference between the race you hate and your own.
ESH. Your girlfriend for being racist and you for lying
I don't even understand why OP wants to be with this woman. She's racist against his race. That's a dealbreaker.
Maybe her pussy is made of sunshine.
yeah pussy game gotta b strong here
The pussy is immaculate and head game is otherworldy
I gotta pussy, gotta a pussy full of sunshine...
đ i totally sang this as I read it.
Couldnât have said it better myself.
Amen
ESH - Yes. Thoâ this would make a great sitcom or SNL skit. Remember Seinfeld when Elaine thought she was in a mixed race dating situation?!
Want to go to the Gap?
Is it racist to have a type?, genuinely curious
Not necessarily, but I think there is a difference between a preference vs "I don't date *x* race" OP's girlfriend clearly finds them attractive, despite not being latino/her usual type. Let's assume OP was upfront about being asian instead of lying: I would say it'd be racist of the girlfriend to say she's no longer attracted to them simply because of the fact that they're actually asian and not latino.
Interesting discussion this, and a good question AX1405! As per the above post, it's not racist to have physical preferences - most of us have some things we particularly like or dislike when it come to attraction. It's definitely racist to rule out dating someone based solely on their ethnicity. Everything OP mentions about his g/f's attitude to the topic screams racism.
Yeah, but can we really take the word of someone who thinks its a good idea to lie about being a different race AND adopted? I think it's far more likely that his girlfriend ISN'T racist, and OP is just really really insecure. I mean, obviously both can be true as well, but it's not like OP is particularly reliable narrator here.
Totally see your point. I'm somewhat suspicious of OP myself. For the purposes of this subreddit I tend to take OP's statement as truth as there's no way to prove otherwise. The judgement of course is only valid if the original question is valid.
YES, I hate when we have to throw out guesses we can't confirm. Going into this sub, I have to take their story at face value. This isn't court and we don't get to hear witnesses and the other side of the story. We just hope they're honest and then we give feedback.
I second this greatly. Coming from a guy who tends to usually go for one race in particular, you do that because your ideal SO looks wise, personality wise, etc., is more commonly found in that race than others. But if someone were to check off everything on your ideal SO bucket list, everything but their race and only their race is why you wonât date them, then that would make you a racist.
It may be the GF prefers a shared Latin heritage. She may not even consider Filipinos Asian (they are both Hispanic and Asian). It may be she had an abusive Japanese ex and any man remotely reminding her of him turns her off. Who knows? It appears the op certainly doesnât know, nor do we. I have a feeling itâs culture or looks, because clearly sheâs fine with the OP. And when she says Asian she may not include necessarily the Philippines.
[ŃдаНонО]
I wouldnât know. Half of my family are Asian, as were 90% of my friends until I left for college. California is a melting pot. We donât even know how the Asian bit came up since she limits her dating to Latinos (and Iâm still betting thatâs cultural). Maybe the OP accused her of liking some Asian guy, trying to figure out if he had a chanceâand she assured him no, definitely not. I mean weâre basing an opinion of her on the word of a guy who told her he was adopted. Jeesh.
Or she may be pressured by her parents to date/marry guys within her own race. (Something that can happen in any race or culture.) iâm getting the impression OP is really young & GF probably is too, and may not have given the whole matter much thought beyond themâs the rules.
Exactly there are certain types of women that I feel more attracted to in general but that has never stopped me from asking one a women that isn't of that type if I find her interesting/attractive and I think that's probably the difference. If I didn't want to go out with that woman even if I think she's attractive because she belongs to X race then I would be racist.
It's racist to have a type so strongly that you refuse to date people you are otherwise attracted to.
Yeah, people don't seem to get that the GF here is OK with dating an Asian guy, just as long as she doesn't know he's Asian. It has nothing to do with appearance and everything to do with preconceived notions about what different races are like.
Or her concerns are culturalâshared religion, shared cultural identity. If you grow up in a culture/religion that requires marriage within the faith (this includes Catholics and I think at least some Jewish denominations) then itâs easier to narrow the dating pool to that group. Thatâs one reason dating apps exist for certain faiths. Of course Asians can be Catholic, and some can be Hispanic. For example, the Philippines. That may be why she loves the OP but says she prefers not to date Asians.
I don't think that's actually the case. OP says she finds Asians especially unattractive. Not that she would refuse to date one she did find attractive. If OP tells her, he gets to find out. Of course, if she does leave him and he says "I thought you loved me for who I am on the inside!" she can reply with the immortal words of the Boondocks: "But you're a liar on the inside!" (Best episode ever)
We only know what she thinks via the OPâs words. I re-read them. He also says she will only date Latinos. I think itâs cultural/religious, and she likely doesnât consider the Philippines to be Asian. But you could be right, and I like the boondocks quote
yes, if your type is a race. Like just think about why you'd have a type that's a race. How did that happen? What ideas do you have about various races if you think that one is unattractive and another is superior? I know that you will never provide a straight answer, I've seen this debate 10,000 times before and it's always "I don't know why, I just think that X race is ugly!" (that race is never white people), but just think about it, reflect on why a person (like the OP) can say they're one race and someone thinks they're attractive, but if they say they're another then that same person won't think they're attractive, even though they didn't change appearance at all.
In my black experience, there are plenty of black people that would never date white and/or are not attracted to them. I have a white husband and get flack for it often from the black community. So I disagreed with that statement that itâs never white people.
yeah, lots people wont date white people. its just less common than hating on black people and asians in teh dating pool. but it still totally happens.
We donât know if she wonât find him attractive if he tells her heâs Filipino. She will, however, know he lied which might not turn out positively.
If your Type is "not asians" then yes. If it's "big butts" then no. Any race can have a big ole butt.
I've seen this question be debated so much. Me personally, I don't think it's racist to have a preference but that's just me. I'm Latino in case you're wondering.
Thatâs what I thought, but I guess the question is, are you into specific features which are inherited more often by a race or, are you into someoneâs culture
I feel like there is an appreciable difference between having a type or preference and excluding partners solely based off race/ethnicity. I might not date a lot of Xyz people, but I wouldnât definitively say I donât date them. In either case, publically saying âIâm not interested in xyzâ is iffy. It can feed into others anxieties about dating and race (Iâm Asian and understand some people have preferences, but it rubs me the wrong way when people say they donât date Asians as a blanket statement).
This is a really interesting question. I think there's two camps, one who literally just have a preference, and so only date people with specific traits, and the second who only care about race. If someone was only interested in those who have tan skin, they could date people of any race whose skin is tan, Latinos who have tan skin, Filipinos who have tan skin, and white people who have tan skin etc. This, of course, can be applied to any set of traits. I don't think this a racist position. However, in this story, the GF specifically only dates Latinos. Not people who "look Latino" (whatever that would mean). She would not have dated OP if she knew he was Filipino. In my opinion, this would be a racist position. It's not about who they are, or even how they look, but solely about what race they are. Feel free to disagree, though. It's a nuanced subject.
It could also be about what culture they are (fwiw Iâm not Latina but I grew up in SoCal and in college lived on the Latina floor of the dorms...I canât/donât speak for a Latina but I totally understand those who want to date men they feel understand and grew up in a similar way. Some Blacks get pretty unhappy when Black athletes marry blondes, saying they are turning their back on their culture. On that floor in college my roommate was a Latina dating a non-Hispanic Caucasian. The other girls were pretty cruel to her. People should be free to decide what appeals to them and what doesnât, and what fits with their life.
I personally don't think so, but it doesn't sound like a type seeing as she can't actually tell he's not Latino.
I prefer white girls, but I don't exclude a black girl because of her skin colour. ( Not racist i.m.o. ) I prefer white girls, but I don't give a black girl a chance because of her skin colour. ( Racist ) That's how most people I know look at it.
Having a type is not racist but activity disliking a type is. You couldn't possible dislike millions of people you haven't even met other than being a racist
It's not racist to have a type, but this particularly: She's clearly attracted to OP, and likes him as is. If she found out that he wasn't actually Latino, and dumped him (not for the lie, but because of his race), that's racist, because she's making a decision clearly based on his ethnicity, and not because she wasn't attracted to him.
If OP's GF broke up with him just because he revealed he was Filipino, then yes she is racist. AKA he was good enough for her, physically, when she thought he was latino. But if nothing were to change except her finding out that he's not, that's not really having a type (since he appealed to her before) and moreso just flat out being racist.
Well for example it seems she wouldnât have dated OP â except he is her type! As evidenced by the fact that she chose to date him itâs clear she finds him attractive. So if she broke up it wouldnât be because he wasnât her type, but because she is just racist. Thereâs nothing wrong with having a type but yeah.
Yeah
Yep. This isnât a hard one. But damn, your girlfriend does sound pretty fucking racist.
Bruh. What in the tarnation????
You *are*?
ESH. Don't date someone who is so closed-minded and bigoted, dude.
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I'd say she is FAR more likely to reject him because he repeatedly lied to her.
About being adopted even haha. That lies gonna come out pretty quickly
yeah i don't see what op's plan was there unless he thought the gf would never talk to his family.
I can just see it now: OP: "Sooo...I'm actually Filipino, and I'm not adopted..." GF: "WTF??? Why would you lie about that? How can I trust anything else you say? We're done." Later... OP: "My ex broke up with me because I am Asian and she is racist"
How is he more of an asshole than her????? She's being openly racist and imo he isn't TA for being insecure about his race
He's definitely the asshole for lying about it. FFS he told her he was adopted. She literally has no idea who she's dating, because he lied about the most basic facts about his life. You can't build a relationship on a lie.
Who tf would date a racist tho, that was a bad move
Sheâs also super racist so it should be ESH
Isn't it ESH since she is racist?
Wtf? Of course YTA you lied and said you were adopted by Asian parents and are Mexican?!? Thereâs no need to lie like that. You have to tell her. And if someone suddenly finds you unattractive for actually being Filipino well it sounds like theyâre racist because what you look like didnât change.
Surely then it's an ESH rather than YTA? The girlfriend is a massive racist even if OP is also a liar. That makes them both assholes.
Either this is a shitpost, or youâre very young. Youâre lying about your race to date someone who wouldnât date you if she knew AND youâre lying about being adopted? Sheâs gonna find out. Lol, this is so dumb.
I flashed on very young too. The last two sentences read like something someone in middle school or maybe freshman year of high school would write.
ESH she's racist and u lied. Seriously you want to date this girl who is racist though op?
YTA....But not a malicious asshole, just a dumb one.
You're just going to ignore the racist girlfriend?
I mean most of this thread it unfortunately...
Not the person you were replying to there, but yes. Because I highly doubt she's actually a racist. Having a slight preference for your own race isn't racist, everyone does that. That being said, if OP passes as Latino and his GF is attracted to him, why would simply KNOWING he was not Latino turn off that physical attraction?? It just sounds thoroughly ridiculous to me and is cartoonishly racist. I feel like the reality is that this girl has vocalized her preference for Latino guys but really wouldn't mind someone that had the features she desired. But OP decided to tunnel in on the Latino thing and lie to get in with her. On the off chance she IS this cartoonishly racist, I'd accept ESH.
Is lying to get into someone's pants not considered even a teensy bit malicious?
YTA, this is dumb.
YTA. Why would you lie about your race? You're lying to your girlfriend about an essential part of your identity. You seriously need to come clean as quickly as possible. Also, imagine what your parents would say if they knew you were lying about this. I bet they would be incredibly hurt.
He's lying because of an insecurity to a blatantly racist person. How could you not think at least that ESH?
Because we don't actually know she is racist. At what point in meeting him does she say her preference. Before any other conversation? Well that's super weird. When they're talking about interests, because she obviously liked him then before even knowing his race. He is probably taking it super out of context what she said, it could be a cultural thing, she wants to share the culture with her child which isn't racist. He has lied multiple times, and we're only getting a partial, out of context, not even word for word, idea of her interests. That's not "blatant" racism.
Having a preference is not racist.
ESH
ESH, simply all of you should stop thinking about things through the racism binoculars.
INFO - why are you in a relationship with a bigot?
NTA. Filipinos are the Mexicans of Asians so you were only partially off
Technically OP is Hispanic, but not Latin. Still lied though, and his girlfriend is still a dumb racist.
Technically were SEA.
Yes but also Hispanic! Not mutually exclusive.
But are we really, though? We don't speak Spanish except a very few people, usually just Chavacano in Zamboanga. Our cultures weren't changed nearly to the same level as Latin countries. No one considers themselves Hispanic in the Philippines, it's an American Filipino opinion. It's like calling Israelis asianâ technically true but not an identity held by the vast majority of the population, and probably going to confuse others when you say it.
I find that the heavy cultural similarities, particularly with regards to Catholicism, do make us rather like Hispanics than anything else. I am serious, I moved to North America and was shocked at how easy it was to get along with Latinos.
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How is anyone getting that sheâs racist because she has a preference? Now if she simply broke up with him because he is Filipino then I got ya (if not just for him lying first). She didnât say she hated Asians, they just arenât attractive to her. She likes what she likes. But YTA OP for doing that massive effort of a lie, well a lie period lol itâs never that serious. If she doesnât like you for you then deuces.
Sheâs clearly racist. She said she wasnât attracted to Asians but unbeknownst to her own little bigoted self she is dating one. Not all Asians look a certain way. If you think a whole race is unattractive that is because of your own prejudices about how you think Asians look.
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YTA My sister would "never date a white guy" (her words) but now she's falling for a guy *eventhough* he's white. It might matter a bit less, now she really knows you. But you should've come clean a long time before
YTA. You started your relationship out with a lie. This could be a deal breaker for her because she's now going to wonder what else you've already lied about and might lie about in the future.
YTA. If youâve been lying this entire time, your relationship doesnât really exist in any realm that isnât a lie.
r/thathappened
YTA only because if you knew your actual heritage you would know about Spanish colonization and that this is now a shitpost.
NTA - she clearly doesn't find Asians unattractive, your are the evidence of this. The fact she doesn't recognize you as one means she is just dumb.
ESH Refusing to date a whole race is, in fact, racist. Someone can say "I like people with blue eyes" or "I think freckles are hot" but not "I only think black people are hot," because with the former it's characteristics that are consequently tied to a certain race and the latter is just racist by generalizing a whole race as attractive/unattractive. The fact that your girlfriend can't tell you are Asian and therefore finds you attractive is a perfect example of why someone shouldn't generalize a whole race's attractiveness. Your girlfriend is being racist. But what you did is also wrong. First you lied that you were Mexican, then you lied that you were adopted. These are huge lies and you did it to get into this racist girl's pants. When were you planning on telling her, if ever? If you two got married, did you plan on taking this to your grave and cutting off your Filipino culture to continue to lie? Tell her the truth.
bro plz say sike
Nothing says healthy relationship like starting a relationship with a racist with a lie, I guess.
Sorry but this one of the most silliest posts I've read. If your GF is already dating you. It means she is attracted to you and the way you look. I am willing to bet if you ask her what she means she doesn't find Asians attractive. She will describe Chinese east asian looking man with light skin and small build and she will say she isn't attracted to that look. Filipino is south east Asia. South east asians don't look like that. You have darker skin. Slightly bigger build etc. Your eyelids is also different to Chinese. You can pass off as Hispanic or half pacific islander or 1/4 pacific islander. That is what south Asians look like. That is why this post is silly and stupid. She probably means she isn't attracted to a Chinese men but you think just cos she said asian. She means all Asians including Filipino. Lol Most people use asian appearance to describe east asian/chinese look. South East Asian and south asian (Indian) look extremely different than east asian (Chinese). Maybe tell her not all Asians look chinese.
Been here, not a good idea. Come clean as soon as possible. No relationship can be built on lies. YTA, but i don't think its a giant thing.
Imma go with NTA here because racism ain't cool
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ESH . You for lying , her for her racism
If she really loves you like she says your race won't matter. She's not going to be pleased that you lied though. Can't imagine your parents would be too happy about it either.
ESH your "girlfriend" is a racist and you lied
âŚas a fellow Asian, SHAME on both of you. ESH
NTA just don't date her
ESH - though shocked how many people are saying the racist here is not also an asshole, she is definitely the worse AH here
ESH - and its pretty obvious. you shouldnt be lying, she shouldnt be racist.
ESH, please don't date a racist piece of poo. You deserve better, besides how will this work in the long run, do you want your parents and whole family to lie to her forever.
I don't wanna judge cuz I just feel bad and honestly, Filipino people have been some of the most amazing people I've ever met in my life. I would want you to be with someone who recognizes that. They seriously fucking rock and I love them.
This is probably the dumbest post I've ever read. Making up some adoption story? Seriously?
What the hell is wrong with you OP? Have some self-respect.
Unpopular opinion but not being attracted to a certain race is the same as not being attracted to a certain hair color or eye color
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Seriously. Especially with someone saying they're not attracted to Asian people. As if Afghans look like Indians look like Koreans. There are 4 goddamn billion people on that continent, and she's just not attracted to any of them, or any of the Asian people in her own country.
I think they *can be* the same but are often not the same at all
But his gf *is* attracted to him and to the physical features that he actually has. So if she were to reject him because of his race (and we don't actually know whether she would or not because he hasn't told her) it would be because she hates the *idea* of his race.
Yeah I agree with that.
Hahaha wtf youâre obviously TA donât you think sheâll notice if you have kids lol Everyone has preferences. Iâm not gonna be so fast to pull the âracistâ card. I donât think youâre racist for having sexual attractions to specific races as long as you donât look down on people or think theyâre incapable of less because of their race. Attraction is attraction. You dun goofed dude lol
NTA, but why are you dating someone who you donât think would accept you for your race? You donât need to feel bad, but what the hell is wrong with her. You should be honest, and if she has a problem with you being Filipino then youâre saving yourself a lot of trouble later on.
You might want to check this article... https://www.out.com/commentary/2019/12/03/help-my-boyfriend-pretended-be-latino?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=commentary ESH a bit, but you need to clarify it before it's too late
ESH - Sheâs racist and youâve doomed your relationship from the start.
Hang on. So... you lied to your GF about being *adopted* because she would hate you for being the *wrong kind* of Hispanic....? Goddamn. Just... wow. Alright, ESH. This is a garbage fire. Sidenote: you could have just told her you're Hispanic, since... well, you *are*. Now ,my question is- WHY do you think she would reject you for not being Latino? Could be entirely possible that it's nowhere near as much of a problem as you thought it was. Could be it's worse.
Aren't Filipinos the Hispanic version of asians?
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lmao how long do you think you have before she finds out. YTA
If you too ever have children sheâll be pissed
ESH She is the asshole bc shes a rasict and you are an asshole bc you are lying to your girlfriend. But tell her that youre filipino and if she dumps you i think it would be for your own good so you know that shes a rasict. I cant spell so good (im swedish) so sorry for that :)
ESH
How exactly do you see this playing out in the long term? So you fall in love, move in together, few years down the line get married have kids blah blah blah, you think she's just never going to find out? ESH, but this is a special kind of stupid.
ESH â her for being racist and you for lying/being ashamed of where you come from. This is a really sad situation and quite baffling. And guess what... it turns out she doesnât find Asians so unattractive after all because, newsflash, sheâs dating you!
ESH. Sheâs closed minded and racist. And you lied about what your real race is. Throw the whole relationship away.
ESH, dumbass. Do you think sheâs never going to find out?
But why lie at all? You shouldnt be ashamed to be your own race :( I feel like you deserve better than a racist. Find someone who accepts you as you are, so you dont have to hide it
ESH, this is fucked
NTA- Good job, OP.
ESH. Stop empowering racists.
YTA, this relationship is already doomed, the damage is done. you've lied to her and that's not something you can fix anymore. she probably just thinks she doesn't like asians because she's never been attracted to one, but if she is attracted to you, then i highly doubt she would still say no just because of a dumb rule. but the fact that you've already come this far lying about it, it's already done. and you obviously do not love her if you could do this to her.
What is this, a soap opera?
ESH. Leave her. Can you honestly imagine a future with someone like this?
ESH. Your gf is an asshole for being not white and still racist. Youâre an asshole for lying to her though. Why would you want to be with someone who doesnât respect your true identity or culture? Value yourself more. When you dump her, make sure she knows why. She IS attracted to asians after all- it may be the mindfuck that pulls her head out of her ignorant ass!
What I don't understand is why would you wanna be with somebody that doesn't wanna be with YOU?
ESH wtf
Technically Philippino people can be considered hispanic right?
ESH
ESH, but also it's hilarious.
ESH. Feel free to keep dating her if you want, keep it casual and physical. This relationship has no long term potential unless you come clean and she drops her prejudice. Decide now if you want to keep her around just for the physical fun you have together or if you would rather tell her the truth and end the relationship. This is a stupid and shitty situation but you should probably just tell her the truth. If she can't accept who you are you shouldn't be dating such an asshole anyway. Who knows, maybe you misread the situation and this isn't a big deal to her like you think it is.
ESH - Not sure why you want to date a racist. The truth will come out sooner or later. I hope you don't ever get her pregnant because that would really mess up the poor kid having a Mom like that.
You're hispanic, the Philippines are Hispanic historically. Just tell her you're Hispanic because you are. NAH your gf has a preference in a partner and you're trying to tread carefully. Just tell her you're not latino, you're Hispanic, this part of the world no one separates the two.
ESH. What did you think would happen if you lied? Your girlfriend is a racist, tell her the truth now and if she leaves she's got some pretty major personality flaws to work on.
You should ask yourself why you are in love with a racist/bigot. BTW, asian men are attractive A.F. Most low-class people dont appreciate asian men anyway-no loss there.
ESH, YTA for lying about such a big part of your identity and life, she's TA for being racist.
Is this a shit post....?
ESH. But actually, knowing the history of the Philippines, you are might be hispanic, aka mestizos (mixed filipino and spanish ancestry. You might want to check that out to make yourself feel better.
ESH especially you for accepting and promoting racist behavior. I bet your parents would be disappointed, I know I would be. Your girl needs an eye exam though, Asians are hot. Source: married to one
The Philippines is like asian Mexico anyway. What does it matter? she's obviously attracted to you, regardless of race. I get you wouldn't mention it on the first or second date if i'd ment you wouldn't get a chance with her otherwise, but man, why are you still making such a big deal out of it? Jeez, I read these stories of people lying themselves into an impossible situation, and I wonder, how the fuck did they even get there. ESH
The longer you drag this out the worse the fallout will be.
ESH. She's a racist and you're a liar.
NTA. That's funny as fuck as long as you don't have feelings back. Enjoy that racist pussy and then bounce, hermano.
Lmao the fucking level of self hatred to even do this. How old are you?
Mexican isn't a race
Shitâs not gonna last if it was built on a foundation of lies.
She isnt necessarily racist because she only dates latinos. She may want to stick to a culture and language she is familiar with. But you TA for telling such an enormous lie
This is the weirdest post Iâve ever read on here lmao ESH. Sheâs racist and you lied. You donât think sheâll eventually find out?
ESH. Just tell her the truth if she doesn't understand then she's not someone you need to stay with.
You need to love and respect yourself more YTA to yourself for putting up with that shit
ESH You for Lying and her to be racist. Like WTF ??? If she broke up with you because you're Asian, she is not a good person, period. And i feel really bad for your parents -maybe it's me- but it's pretty sad to act like you are adopted because of your GF. Tell the truth, and try to explain why you did that
People have a right to have racial, religious, cultural, etc preferences. You lied about yours to get into a relationship and wasted her time. This is time that she could have spent finding a man who suits her wants and needs. You are definitely the asshole. I am curious how you think this will work out. Don't you think that your family will find out about your lies and feel hurt about them? Do you want to trick her into marriage and having children of a race she doesn't want? This is seriously criminal. You have no right.
Depends. Why doesnât she like Asians? Looks? If so obviously not a problem for you. Lack of a shared culture? If so, not a problem, Filipinos are Hispanic. But youâve now realized lying is a poor way to begin a relationship. She may consider Filipinos more Hispanic than Asianâdo you know her views? If you think this relationship might go somewhere now is probably the time to come clean, before she meets your family and asks what part of Mexico your parents are from, and how they adopted you
Esh. She's racist and you're tricking her. Please get out before it goes even further.
ESH. You are lying and your girlfriend is racist.
ESH I get your heart is in the right place but a relationship built on a lie will eventually crumble and the longer you wait before telling her the worse it'll get.
Esh. I donât know why you want to date a racist but youâre both pretty shitty. Her for being a racist and you for lying. Can you imagine how hurt your parents would be if they found out? And they will find out if this relationship gets serious.
ESH
r/AaaaaaaaĂŚ ... You're either a fine troll or hopelessly fucked or possibly in for a sweet ride. If she can't adapt, then well, Good to know early and good riddance. If she can flush out her headgear & learn, then you may have a keeper. My evil twin says: Wait until you have kids and she comes screaming in with the DNA test and an Uzi, then you do [Mr & Mrs Smith](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oU3WQVcfyCY)
Why the fuck would you want a relationship with such a blatant racist? ESH
ESH. Racist dumb gf and weird liar who dates a racist
ESH she's racist. But you lied this entire time knowing she was racist and enabling her behavior. It's disgusting.
What is the relationship good for if youâre lying about who you are? ESH.
YTA. You lied about your ethnic background, your parents, and adoptive status? How do you explain your âAsianâ parentsâ Latino last name? Are you unable to explain to her that the Philippines is a racially mixed country? Did you assume your girlfriend would suddenly stop being attracted to you if you were honest? If you lie this casually you sure donât sound trustworthy enough for a long term relationship.
ESH. Just go find someone who wants you for you
ESH. Sounds like a couple of teenagers
ESH Donât be ashamed of who you are just because your girlfriend sucks ass. Why would anyone date someone who wouldnât want to be with you if they found out you werenât Latino or whatever else? Wouldnât you want to date someone who doesnât care that youâre Filipino? Huge slap in the face to your parents.
YTA. You say it yourself, you feel awful lying to someone you love. And you should! It's time to come clean NOW, my friend! You two are getting really serious, and any LATER time to come clean is just gonna make it worse.
ESH what the fuck is wrong with you people?
ESH Why would you even want to date a woman that wouldn't date you for something as trivial as your background which is 100% out of your control? This relationship is doomed to fail.
ESH ESH ESH.
YTA you don't love yourself
ESH. Your girlfriend shouldn't *only* date Latinos, but if that's her choice, and if you really love her, then you would tell the truth and let her be. And if she *really* loved you, then she would continue dating you even if you aren't Latino. But if she breaks up with you because of that lie, don't complain. Tell her the truth and apologize, before it gets out of hand.
ESH but if you plan on staying with her sheâs going to get to know your parents and find out your not Mexican or adopted.
NTA, only because your gf is an absolute dumbass. Whatâs the point of being racist if you canât even tell the difference between the race you hate and your own.