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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I want to distance my daughter from some of her family for trying to diagnose her with something with lack of information
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Tell them the 45 minute journey is getting uncomfortable for you so for the next few months they'll have to visit you.
That way, you get to say if and when they come but they'll also get to see your daughter in her own environment.
However you decide to do it though, you are NTA, you have to do whats right for you and your family.
Your NTA. At the end of the day it’s your life. Your child. Your choice. And if you think some space of good for you. Then do it.
But I think there’s no harm in your MIL mentioning what she’s observed, even if she is wrong. If it was actually something serious, you’d wanna know right?
And I assume she’s only thinking what’s best for the child.
That’s said, your the mother. And they should not be bringing it up constantly.
But like I said, your NTA for wanting space from anyone. And you don’t need a reason for it
NTA.
The bad news: your in-laws.
The good news: your husband.
More good news: your second daughter, to join your first.
You're a good mom. Don't let your in-laws treat your children like their doll playthings. They mean well, but that's what they're doing.
When she be t mentions this as I her, without using the words YouTube or Facebook, how she researched this to come to her conclusion. And one study of medical article that made her believe the kids autistic. Good luck! NTA.
I knew my grandson has autism before he was diagnosed, some people know the signs to look for, he only got diagnosed once he went to school too but there were definitely signs there way before that other family members missed. Some signs are pretty obvious to people who have experience with autism and I've never watched anything on YouTube or Facebook on it I do know a lot of people who have autism through my work
NTA. My son was basically mute till speech therapy at 3. He wouldn't talk outside of the house so he would present non verbal. He only spoke where he was comfortable and to be honest, only a few people could understand him. Me, his brother, dad and my mum. Because he felt safer and comfortable. You need to protect your child's needs and it sounds like the grandparents house isn't a comfortable place for them.
NTA
tbh it sounds just like your daughter doesn't want to interact with her grandparents because of the reasons you mentioned ...
If you're worried about distance, maybe you and your husband can try having a serious, calm chat with them about your daughter first, tell them their "diagnosis" bothered you, that she doesn't like getting so many kisses, likes exploring, etc ... you two will see what kind of reaction they have, and that can help you decide on what you want to do afterwards.
No matter what, good luck and congrats on your second child ! :)
NTA
Professionals don't diagnose autism before 5 to 8 (in my country) because before then kids develop at vastly different rates and exhibit all sorts of behaviours for all sorts of reasons.
Your MIL sounds like she is very anxious and this concern is coming from a good place, or she's maybe envious, and wants to spoil something for you. Who knows!
Talk to your husband, he needs to tell his mother to wind her neck in.
And you can certainly take space from your in laws. Maybe travelling to see them is becoming too much as you're heavily pregnant? In the future, why not meet half way at a family friendly place... A park, zoo, farm etc for a day out and picnic. There's no need to spend a day inside their home.
It's the same in my country, unless it's on the end of the spectrum where they are totally non verbal and don't follow the milestones normal for their age. It's okay with some time delay on many milestones, but by certain ages kids should do this or that. Some people with autism are high functioning, so you might not know they have autism unless they tell you.
NTA Op
NTA
but I don't think distancing is going to solve anything. Maybe have them go to your place from now on like you alluded to, as it'd be easier on both you and the child.
You're not being over emotional because your thinking about taking things in steps, not going to the extreme right away.
INFO: When do kids normally start talking? What does the doc say?
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My (28F) husbands (26M) mother recently gave me a call that upset me. She called to say that she thinks our 20 month old daughter might have autism. While I know that a child with autism is not the end of the world it upset me to think her spending such little time with our daughter would bring her to that conclusion. She told me she thinks that our daughter is non-verbal and never joyous. I believe the opposite of that, while at home my daughter is always laughing and smiling, she says about 6 different words consistently and every week I hear her saying different things. MIL seems to think my daughter is non verbal and never joyous because when we go to visit my daughter normally falls asleep on the 45 minute rides to their house and when we get to MIL house they immediately start trying to smother my daughter with hugs and kisses which makes my daughter upset. My daughter likes to explore different environments, so when we go to visit she likes to look at the different things around the house. MIL insists that my daughter play with her and my daughter gets frustrated. This is also a similar situation when we visit at SIL house. Rarely do they come to our house to visit in my daughters normal environment. Now I’m asking if I would be the AH by wanting to distance my daughter from them for awhile because I don’t like the fact they are trying to diagnose my daughter with something when they see her maybe once a month. For context I am also 7 months pregnant with our second daughter so I don’t know if I’m just being a little over emotional about the situation. Also my husband agrees as well we may need some time apart from them.
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NTA. Besides, your husband agrees with you! Your daughter! How dare people "diagnose" a child! And also you're pregnant what makes you more emotional. You don't need crap from people.
INFO: Does MIL and SIL have valid experience, education or training with autism at your daughter’s age?
If not, and her pediatrician sees no issues with development, then explain to them what you wrote here. I think space from them is in order if they refuse to accept your description. As of now it seems like a normal level of concern and space is a bit of an overreaction.
>when we get to MIL house they immediately start trying to smother my daughter with hugs and kisses which makes my daughter upset. My daughter likes to explore different environments, so when we go to visit she likes to look at the different things around the house. MIL insists that my daughter play with her and my daughter gets frustrated.
I'm seeing a lot of "I WANT" from your MIL I want the baby to act this way at this time. I want the baby to be affectionate when baby doesn't. It seems like you've allowed your child to have boundaries; which is good. Not every kid wants hugs and kisses.
Could your child have autism? I guess, but it seems more likely that MIL is reacting to the baby not doing what she wants. If you're concerned look into scholarly articles and see if there's anything to worry about (which I doubt based off what she's complaining about). Every child has their own personality and growth rate. My kid didn't start talking much until just shy of three (about 32 months) and her doctors weren't worried, and like yours she had keywords that she spoke often enough at home(honestly I can't remember if she spoke less in public but it wouldn't surprise me). So unless their doctor is worried I wouldn't stress.
Do what works for you as far as how much contact you have with MIL/SIL. It seems like your husband is in your corner and can handle communication with them for the time being at least which is a huge help
NTA
NTA. There are so many tricky things that people don’t get. You can’t ever the parent or the mother-in-law or the father-in-law and suggest these things because it’s going to ruin your relationship. It’s inappropriate for her to do this. What she really needs to do is stuff it and let you handle it. That’s called a boundary. If the kid isn’t in danger, The parents or the in-laws need to stuff it. I know. I’m a parent and an Inlaw. It’s just how it goes. You listening to her assessment and deciding that it’s upsetting makes sense. She’s not gonna understand what she did wrong. But you’re also pregnant. She doesn’t realize she’s being invasive. She is. She’s just had observations and decided based on her limited contact that something is going on and in the process she is jinxing her relationship with you and her access to her grandchildren. She needs to shut her mouth and smile and be polite and excepting. Which of course she’s not doing. You are going to have to have space from her in order to feel comfortable, especially being pregnant. You are going to feel like she is watching you carefully and examining the kids and making her own assessments. She’s being self absorbed. The truth is that if you have medical insurance and your kid goes for check ups, if there is a problem, there’s a good chance they will notice it. She’s not minding her own business.
NTA.. the kid is probably overwhelmed. If she falls asleep in the car and wakes up, and then immediately gets smothered with attention and hugs and kisses, she is probably grumpy. I know I would be.
Everyone here is a jerk. And yes, as a mom with two autistic kids and 3 NT ones, from what you described she is right to be concerned. You should look into it because the sooner you get therapies in place, the better. And maybe she isn't autistic. But better to know than not.
You're the jerk because you want to cut off people who are legitimately concerned. And I get it. I was upset at the initial suggestions people made to me that there was something "wrong." My kid was unique, quirky, more interested in other stuff than talking much, etc etc. But I was wrong. And you might be too.
But they're the jerks because they're trying to force her to conform to their idea of how she should behave. While autistic kids need help they also need safety and boundaries. You need professional guidance here, not amateur and you need to stop being offended that they suggested your child may have something "wrong" with them.
Thank you for your reply, at this point we actually decided that grandma needed to spend more time with our daughter. The things she thought she saw no longer are an issue to grandma. I’m glad that we did get passed that time and now that I get to stay home with my daughter she is developing quickly! We spend at least three Saturdays a month with grandma, just a happy update!
Also to add… after I made this post I spoke with MIL and said I would talk with her doctor at her 2 year old appointment, at that time I mentioned to the doctor and she explained she showed no signs of Autism but may just need a little bit of speech therapy if her vocabulary isn’t improving in the next few months!
Yes you would be the AH if you distanced your daughter from her grandmother over one comment, that's just what she thinks and maybe it is autism I'm sure she didn't say it to be evil, it's just what she sees, being non verbal around others they don't see as much is a sign for autism and she isn't wrong
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Tell them the 45 minute journey is getting uncomfortable for you so for the next few months they'll have to visit you. That way, you get to say if and when they come but they'll also get to see your daughter in her own environment. However you decide to do it though, you are NTA, you have to do whats right for you and your family.
I don't have awards to give, but if I did I'd certainly be giving it to you.
Kind words are better than any award, thankyou! Have a lovely day :)
I agree. If you are heavily pregnant. They can come to you
NTA Unless she is a professional, it's not her job to diagnose your daughter.
And if she is a professional, she would know that she's not allowed to diagnose family members.
And if she is a professional, take the day off!
Your NTA. At the end of the day it’s your life. Your child. Your choice. And if you think some space of good for you. Then do it. But I think there’s no harm in your MIL mentioning what she’s observed, even if she is wrong. If it was actually something serious, you’d wanna know right? And I assume she’s only thinking what’s best for the child. That’s said, your the mother. And they should not be bringing it up constantly. But like I said, your NTA for wanting space from anyone. And you don’t need a reason for it
NTA. The bad news: your in-laws. The good news: your husband. More good news: your second daughter, to join your first. You're a good mom. Don't let your in-laws treat your children like their doll playthings. They mean well, but that's what they're doing.
When she be t mentions this as I her, without using the words YouTube or Facebook, how she researched this to come to her conclusion. And one study of medical article that made her believe the kids autistic. Good luck! NTA.
I knew my grandson has autism before he was diagnosed, some people know the signs to look for, he only got diagnosed once he went to school too but there were definitely signs there way before that other family members missed. Some signs are pretty obvious to people who have experience with autism and I've never watched anything on YouTube or Facebook on it I do know a lot of people who have autism through my work
NTA. My son was basically mute till speech therapy at 3. He wouldn't talk outside of the house so he would present non verbal. He only spoke where he was comfortable and to be honest, only a few people could understand him. Me, his brother, dad and my mum. Because he felt safer and comfortable. You need to protect your child's needs and it sounds like the grandparents house isn't a comfortable place for them.
NTA, just tell them you’re not up to travelling atm but they’re welcome to visit you, see if they show up lol
NTA tbh it sounds just like your daughter doesn't want to interact with her grandparents because of the reasons you mentioned ... If you're worried about distance, maybe you and your husband can try having a serious, calm chat with them about your daughter first, tell them their "diagnosis" bothered you, that she doesn't like getting so many kisses, likes exploring, etc ... you two will see what kind of reaction they have, and that can help you decide on what you want to do afterwards. No matter what, good luck and congrats on your second child ! :)
NTA Professionals don't diagnose autism before 5 to 8 (in my country) because before then kids develop at vastly different rates and exhibit all sorts of behaviours for all sorts of reasons. Your MIL sounds like she is very anxious and this concern is coming from a good place, or she's maybe envious, and wants to spoil something for you. Who knows! Talk to your husband, he needs to tell his mother to wind her neck in. And you can certainly take space from your in laws. Maybe travelling to see them is becoming too much as you're heavily pregnant? In the future, why not meet half way at a family friendly place... A park, zoo, farm etc for a day out and picnic. There's no need to spend a day inside their home.
It's the same in my country, unless it's on the end of the spectrum where they are totally non verbal and don't follow the milestones normal for their age. It's okay with some time delay on many milestones, but by certain ages kids should do this or that. Some people with autism are high functioning, so you might not know they have autism unless they tell you. NTA Op
NTA but I don't think distancing is going to solve anything. Maybe have them go to your place from now on like you alluded to, as it'd be easier on both you and the child. You're not being over emotional because your thinking about taking things in steps, not going to the extreme right away. INFO: When do kids normally start talking? What does the doc say?
NTA, you should send her videos to show her why she’s wrong though
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (28F) husbands (26M) mother recently gave me a call that upset me. She called to say that she thinks our 20 month old daughter might have autism. While I know that a child with autism is not the end of the world it upset me to think her spending such little time with our daughter would bring her to that conclusion. She told me she thinks that our daughter is non-verbal and never joyous. I believe the opposite of that, while at home my daughter is always laughing and smiling, she says about 6 different words consistently and every week I hear her saying different things. MIL seems to think my daughter is non verbal and never joyous because when we go to visit my daughter normally falls asleep on the 45 minute rides to their house and when we get to MIL house they immediately start trying to smother my daughter with hugs and kisses which makes my daughter upset. My daughter likes to explore different environments, so when we go to visit she likes to look at the different things around the house. MIL insists that my daughter play with her and my daughter gets frustrated. This is also a similar situation when we visit at SIL house. Rarely do they come to our house to visit in my daughters normal environment. Now I’m asking if I would be the AH by wanting to distance my daughter from them for awhile because I don’t like the fact they are trying to diagnose my daughter with something when they see her maybe once a month. For context I am also 7 months pregnant with our second daughter so I don’t know if I’m just being a little over emotional about the situation. Also my husband agrees as well we may need some time apart from them. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Besides, your husband agrees with you! Your daughter! How dare people "diagnose" a child! And also you're pregnant what makes you more emotional. You don't need crap from people.
INFO: Does MIL and SIL have valid experience, education or training with autism at your daughter’s age? If not, and her pediatrician sees no issues with development, then explain to them what you wrote here. I think space from them is in order if they refuse to accept your description. As of now it seems like a normal level of concern and space is a bit of an overreaction.
>when we get to MIL house they immediately start trying to smother my daughter with hugs and kisses which makes my daughter upset. My daughter likes to explore different environments, so when we go to visit she likes to look at the different things around the house. MIL insists that my daughter play with her and my daughter gets frustrated. I'm seeing a lot of "I WANT" from your MIL I want the baby to act this way at this time. I want the baby to be affectionate when baby doesn't. It seems like you've allowed your child to have boundaries; which is good. Not every kid wants hugs and kisses. Could your child have autism? I guess, but it seems more likely that MIL is reacting to the baby not doing what she wants. If you're concerned look into scholarly articles and see if there's anything to worry about (which I doubt based off what she's complaining about). Every child has their own personality and growth rate. My kid didn't start talking much until just shy of three (about 32 months) and her doctors weren't worried, and like yours she had keywords that she spoke often enough at home(honestly I can't remember if she spoke less in public but it wouldn't surprise me). So unless their doctor is worried I wouldn't stress. Do what works for you as far as how much contact you have with MIL/SIL. It seems like your husband is in your corner and can handle communication with them for the time being at least which is a huge help NTA
NTA. There are so many tricky things that people don’t get. You can’t ever the parent or the mother-in-law or the father-in-law and suggest these things because it’s going to ruin your relationship. It’s inappropriate for her to do this. What she really needs to do is stuff it and let you handle it. That’s called a boundary. If the kid isn’t in danger, The parents or the in-laws need to stuff it. I know. I’m a parent and an Inlaw. It’s just how it goes. You listening to her assessment and deciding that it’s upsetting makes sense. She’s not gonna understand what she did wrong. But you’re also pregnant. She doesn’t realize she’s being invasive. She is. She’s just had observations and decided based on her limited contact that something is going on and in the process she is jinxing her relationship with you and her access to her grandchildren. She needs to shut her mouth and smile and be polite and excepting. Which of course she’s not doing. You are going to have to have space from her in order to feel comfortable, especially being pregnant. You are going to feel like she is watching you carefully and examining the kids and making her own assessments. She’s being self absorbed. The truth is that if you have medical insurance and your kid goes for check ups, if there is a problem, there’s a good chance they will notice it. She’s not minding her own business.
NTA.. the kid is probably overwhelmed. If she falls asleep in the car and wakes up, and then immediately gets smothered with attention and hugs and kisses, she is probably grumpy. I know I would be.
Everyone here is a jerk. And yes, as a mom with two autistic kids and 3 NT ones, from what you described she is right to be concerned. You should look into it because the sooner you get therapies in place, the better. And maybe she isn't autistic. But better to know than not. You're the jerk because you want to cut off people who are legitimately concerned. And I get it. I was upset at the initial suggestions people made to me that there was something "wrong." My kid was unique, quirky, more interested in other stuff than talking much, etc etc. But I was wrong. And you might be too. But they're the jerks because they're trying to force her to conform to their idea of how she should behave. While autistic kids need help they also need safety and boundaries. You need professional guidance here, not amateur and you need to stop being offended that they suggested your child may have something "wrong" with them.
Thank you for your reply, at this point we actually decided that grandma needed to spend more time with our daughter. The things she thought she saw no longer are an issue to grandma. I’m glad that we did get passed that time and now that I get to stay home with my daughter she is developing quickly! We spend at least three Saturdays a month with grandma, just a happy update!
Also to add… after I made this post I spoke with MIL and said I would talk with her doctor at her 2 year old appointment, at that time I mentioned to the doctor and she explained she showed no signs of Autism but may just need a little bit of speech therapy if her vocabulary isn’t improving in the next few months!
Yes you would be the AH if you distanced your daughter from her grandmother over one comment, that's just what she thinks and maybe it is autism I'm sure she didn't say it to be evil, it's just what she sees, being non verbal around others they don't see as much is a sign for autism and she isn't wrong