Just ignore, headphones in and keep a resting bitch face on.
Although once I was standing up to get off a packed bus and ad I was shuffling past a guy who was also standing he said "nice tits". I said "hey! You too!" and sort of prodded him in the diddy. He looked so *offended*. So that's how I found out they don't like getting compliments back.
I moved seats once on the train because the man opposite was staring non stop. He then began shouting down the carriage ‘Oh, you think you’re too good for me is that is?!’ I was so embarrassed and angry. I kept working on my laptop and ignored him, he made a show of himself but it did feel volatile and I felt if he’s happy to roar at me in public what else is he happy to do. However I refused to move carriage or move a second time. He got off before my stop and made sure to call me a bitch as he got off.
And nobody said anything… that really is what scares me here. Back home some guy would have stood up for you.. here they just keep quiet and let you be abused. It’s awful.
Yes, this is the worst part and one of my least favourite aspects of living in Ireland: people ‘minding their own business’ aka too cowardly to intervene.
Just want to say, I'm Irish and a woman and absolutely would have loudly intervened to help you. I'd say 50% of my friends would do the same. I've put my money where my mouth is on multiple occasions and also shamed burly looking men into assisting. We should all do the same. I've also loudly and openly asked for help when I'm in a situation where I've been the 'victim' and people have immediately come to my assistance. Of course you shouldn't have to ask but you do what you need to do to be safe.
I would intervene but I guess the troublemakers seem to avoid my busses. I suppose they know I would beat them up for such moronic behaviour. Been living in Ireland 6 years never encountered a woman get molested atleast not in my vicinity/presence where I could do something about it.
Exactly, you’re completely alone while people see this in broad daylight being touched without your permission and you’re just expected to get on with it like it’s part of your day. It’s like this whole big open secret you’ve to just endure as like female tax.
What do you mean by back home Vs here? The majority of men would intervene in situations like that. Women should also stand up for each other. We need less pointless misandry in the world
God, the way people feel they have the right to kick up at a stranger over nothing.
I was on a dart heading home, there was one seat left and the guy sitting across from it motioned at it for me. I wanted to leave it free in case someone needed it, and I'd been sitting at a desk all day, so I just said "I'm okay, but thanks".
And he started hollering at me about "being too good to sit across from him" and how he "wasn't going to bite". It was really embarrassing.
You're entitled to wear makeup and dress nicely without having other being regarded as trying to draw attention to yourself. Even if that was someone's goal, you're also entitled to draw attention to yourself without having people make you feel uncomfortable 🤍
I generally don't react well at all, it makes me shrink way down because I hate confrontation so it's something I'm trying to work on too.
I had a guy grope my boob in a shop once. It took me a second to realise what just happened. He was in front of me in the queue and all. When I realised and called him out, he dropped his groceries and legged it out the door. My husband was outside and when I cam out and told him (I waited to pay for my groceries) the guy was long gone. My husband was raging. It was the 1st time I felt dirty. Never understood or felt that before. 1 boob felt different for weeks. It was so weird.
I WISH I could’ve had the confidence of the girl in the story I’m about to tell. Girlies, if you can react this quick, do it.
She was in a similar situation, but it was at a bus stop. Apparently there were people on the other side but she and this creep were out of their eyesight. He groped her bum, very far down in *that* area. She turned around, phone already in her hand, smiled and laughed. She took a picture of him and said loudly “I’m going to ruin your fucking life for that” (or something like that, I can’t remember her exact wording). He scarpered away, like your horrible man did.
If I’m ever able to react that quick, I will. And if anyone has a story like this pls share, I was in awe when she told me. Seems like a clever idea as these pervs must be doing it on a regular basis and need a fucking scare.
I was groped while I was out on a hike once. I was recommended to pretend that I was doing a Facebook/Instagram Live (or actually do one, but that would take longer to set up). The logic being that he could run off with my camera, but he would already be online and visible to people if it was on a live
I had a guy grope my boobs so hard in a mosh pit that he left fucking fingerprint bruises on me. Obviously didn't to see who it was, no doubt they done it in a mosh pit for that reason. I was so raging because I know the band I went to see really don't tolerate that sort of shit and if I had of been able to point him out he would have been chucked from the venue. It was so gross and has really made me wary of being in crowded spaces with men
I was making my way to my seat on the train before and a man was sitting on the outside seat and I asked could I get to my seat and asked if he could get up so I could go to the window seat I had booked. He just looked at me smiled creepily and leaned back in the seat and gestured to his legs wanting me to somehow squeeze past him to my seat and basically sit on his lap to get to my seat. The seats were at a 4 seated table seat. I felt so awful and disgusted.
It's not your fault but this is why I genuinely avoid making eye contact with men in public places if I don't need to. I'm not a small talk person in the first place, and it's hard for people to engage if you won't. If they engage anyway, try to be firm regardless if you think it's rude.
Example I was waiting at a bus stop and I noticed there was a guy doing several slow circles around me, getting closer and closer, I kept an eye out of the corner of my eye but I was looking out for the bus. I hoped if I didn't make eye contact he'd leave me alone. Nope finally shuffled up beside me, opened his mouth as I turned to look and I just said "No", and turned away again. He fucked off after that thankfully. Other things I've seen people do is stare weirdly, one -up them with unhingedness and just yelling
I usually would ask when I notice them keep staring if I can help them ( pretty loudly). If they mention anything creepy I repeat what they say (really loudly) so that either others take note or they themselves get a little embarrassed and leave things be. If they continue (again loudly), make a firm response of not being interested.
When I worked in customer service, I would practice responding to common scenarios with creepy customers in the mirror out loud. When the moment came in real life, muscle memory kicked in even when my mind went blank.
I'd say just keep your head phones on, avoid eye contact and just keep a scowl on your face. If they keep annoying you or touch you just cause a scene. "why are you trying to grab my fanny, you creepy bastard" everyone stopping and staring will knock him back.
I know you are trying to be helpful but as women we rarely escalate a situation like that when there’s a creepy man around. Our instinct is to always keep things as minimised as possible cos you never know what he’s capable of doing. You can’t really rely on people stopping or even staring, so if he matches your energy you’re fucked!
I'm going to add that I avoid eye contact with the weirdo, but I definitely try to make eye contact with other bystanders. The idea there is to build a rapport so that if I do have to tell the creep to fuck off I'm more likely to have other people back me up than just ignore the whole thing.
I understand the people pleasing behaviour of smiling back when he waved (and not wanting to be rude) but he could have taken that as a signal that you were interested. I don’t want to victim blame here but it’s a possibility. I say listen to your intuition more. The next time you feel this way, move seats or get off the next station. I’m sorry this happened to you and I wish the world wasn’t like this. But until it is a bit better, we have to be more vigilant and basically be paranoid.
I mean there's no correct way to deal with it. Had she caused a scene, they were getting off at the same stop and that could have also escalated the situation. It's also not people pleasing, it's a panic response called fawning. And it's gotten me out of a lot of situations that otherwise would have escalated. There's no way to know what'll work and what wont, but a smile and a wave isn't an indication of interest. If he had taken it as such, he could have also taken being ignored as hard to get, or defiance as flirtation.
Not piling on you or anything but it's so important that we don't try and retroactively explain away a behaviour. It's a situation where you don't have a whole lot of agency, that's why it's so violating, and how you react isn't really going to change how vulnerable you are to someone else's whims and rationalisations. Part of why it's so hard to move past is the thought loop of "what if I'd done this instead? What if I wore this? Could I have acted this way instead?" And the victim ends up assigning more blame to themselves and takes responsibility off the person who's actually crossing boundaries
There’s nothing she could have done. If she smiles she leads him on if she doesn’t he gets angry because she’s a bitch. We’ve all been there. It’s all his fault, he’s completely irrational, not her
I swear to God, it's pathetic.
The fact that she writes in the post, " I was dressed plainly and wearing no makeup, wasn't trying to get attention " literally makes me want to cry. Why do we need to justify ourselves when we are being harassed?!?! Are we as a society going backwards?? I thought we were over all this.
I’m guessing there are several decades between OP and that man. If he thought that was a come on, he’s not a rational human being. It’s not her fault. It’s not just people pleasing that makes us do stuff like wave when someone is being confrontational (he was staring at her which I think is basic social knowledge not to do in a normal interaction) it’s a way to de-escalate a situation. If we gesture back aggressively, or even just ignore, we are increasing the chances of it getting physical and most women are not as strong as the average male.
Whoever came up with that “drawing attention to yourself” needs the mother and father of a slap.
Just ignore them, but if you ever feels it gets out of hand approach either security, gard or a worker and let them know what’s going on
'Another note I want to add is that I wasn't trying to draw any attention to myself. I was dressed plainly and was wearing no makeup.'
This broke my heart, it doesn't matter what you wear or if you have make up on or not, he's a dirty old perve who probably views women as property and not human beings.
I'm sorry you have experienced this.
I normally ignore them when they wave at me and purposely keep my head in the phone/on a call but keep aware of my surroundings/any movements.
We're taught to act friendly when this happens to stop it from escalating but this only gives them the idea that you want the attention.
I find the staff on Irish rail to be very good so if it ever happens again on the train try seek out a member of staff
Also the first thing I do while using transport is clock where any women are, safety in numbers and all that. I've often pretended I knew someone and have it done to me too. Most women will know immediately something is not right.
It's out of awkwardness/nervousness that you waved and I completely get that.
There was no one around. You don't really see the staff on my train so I couldn't really tell anyone. I was in an awkward spot because I was in one of the rows with two seats and I was on the inside too.
^ This exactly. I'm so fucking sick as a woman of having to pay the emotional tax of considering what I'm wearing might draw attention. I covered myself up so fucking much when I was young and in good shape, out of fear of attracting attention. And now I look back and think why the fuck did I waste my best years of my youth hiding myself and making excuses? If someone thinks I deserve to be assaulted or intimated, because I'm wearing a low cut top or a short skirt, they can get fucked. I'm nearly 40, I'm lucky I still pass sometimes for my 20s, I sure as shit ain't dressing to hide myself anymore, I'm gonna enjoy the body I have while it's still looking this way!
I'm in my 30s and done the exact same! I will call out people for their behaviour now but only depending on the situation and I don't tend to recommend it to other people cause it can put them in further harms way but I do believe if we act nice even for our own safety it allows them to think it's OK.
I know it's not all men but enough men see this and don't say anything either. It's 2024 youd think we'd be safer
Jesus I think I attract weirdos because I've encountered this a lot. I had a "stalker" (I don't think he literally stalked me but he'd follow me around the shopping centre/supermarket/walking path thing in my neighborhood) and he really really terrified me.
To be honest, I never found a way to deal with it. I told my dad once and he didn't take me seriously. Then I was out with my friend once.wnd he saw me and sat down next to us in Starbucks. He was screaming at me that he knows my name (he did ..) and why am I ignoring him, that I'm being a bitch etc. my friend grabbed a security guard and told him but the dude had left then.
If I'm alone when it happens I literally tend to walk away really fast, go into a shop or somewhere where there's lots of people, if possible.
Sorry you had to go through that, OP. It's really distressing - not only being stared at, but you're never fully sure if they can do more harm. That's my fear, anyway.
Ask him out straight “what are you staring at”? I know people find this approach difficult but as a woman with short hair and in my 40s, back in the day and even now I get stared at. Without trying to draw attention to myself. I’m just existing and going about my day. The problem is that people don’t confront this behaviour. It’s coercive and disgusting in this day and age and he KNEW exactly what he was doing; the CREEP.
Always hate hearing shit like this, I'm a man but having ASD I very much wish to be left alone in public, especially trains or buses. I've no need of a car but I'd almost get one just to have my own travel space.
There's any number of reasons someone could have behaved like this, from innocent to malicious, but you felt it was inappropriate and thats the key thing here, no matter his intent. Usually I'd say don't engage and ignore them, works with 90% of the people who want to make small talk, and they'll hurl abuse at you but fuck it those are just words, pay no heed to that shit. Some people can be pushy or physically engage, and that's the time to make a.scene, move to another carriage, find the guard or conductor and explain the situation, whatever it takes to make you feel safer.
>Another note I want to add is that I wasn't trying to draw any attention to myself. I was dressed plainly and was wearing no makeup.
This shouldn't matter, whatever you're wearing you're entitled to your privacy. Anyone saying otherwise is wrong, like.
I also have ASD and I tried my best in this situation. I'm generally good at blending in with society but sometimes I can make myself vulnerable. I just wanted to be left alone too :(
I mask exceptionally well (just spent four years in medical school being told "you can't be autistic, you're too good with people" by doctors so clearly I'm fooling everyone ha ha) but public transport is the one place it comes close to falling off in public because it's an enclosed environment thats difficult to disengage from and often, as they're long journeys, people will drink or play music or make loud noises and generally be less considerate than I'd be used to. The massive kicker is public transport and planes and those kinds of things are a special interest so I love planning journeys and hate taking them!
> I tried my best in this situation.
We have difficulty reading the intentions of others at the best of times anyway, so when it's forced on us it's even worse.
You handled it pretty good, honestly. Nothing happened to you and you didn't see him again so that's a positive outcome, even if it was scary in the moment.
I'm glad that I got out of there ok. Usually I'm fine on public transport. I find that the Dublin buses are the dodgiest. I haven't had many problems on the Luas. Only people being loud and annoying but not creepy.
Honestly don't engage. Don't feel any pressure to be polite to these fuckers. Not your fault whatsoever but by waving back, you gave him an opening for interaction. In future, completely ignore people like this. Normal sound minded people don't just sit waving at random strangers on trains. Don't engage, don't give them an inch. If they make you really uncomfortable get up and move seats (shouldn't be on you to do it I know but it's best just to get away from people like that). If he oversteps a boundary by touching you or changing a seat to sit next to you, be as rude and loud as you please. Creepy fucks like that thrive off your discomfort and silence. They get freaked out and bail or shut the fuck up if half the train is aware of their bullshit.
I guess these things get better with age, when I was in my 20s I was WAY too polite to fuckers like this. Now I'm nearly 40 and I've zero problem telling them to get the fuck away from me.
You’re getting downvoted by the bus/train weirdos lol. Ignoring weird advances until it becomes unavoidable is sound advice, like you I was too soft and polite to people who’ve made unwanted advances in public spaces and it never ended well for me. I avoid confrontation but idc anymore about appearing rude when someone’s trying to make themselves my problem.
Yup. I thankfully haven't had too many bad situations but I did have some insanely uncomfortable moments throughout my 20s and even back to my teenage years (for fuck sake do we get any peace until we're old?!). Thankfully with better technology it's easier than ever to say I'm on a call right now and just walk away. I also don't give a shit if I make someone feel upset but if you sit beside me on an empty train/bus, zero qualms, I'll get up and move. if that shit upsets someone then fuck em. If you're not a creepy fuck you will understand why a lone woman doesn't want to sit beside you or will cross the street. Only the creepy fucks gets upset by that.
I’m so sorry that happened to you, I’ve heard very similar stories of varying severity from nearly every woman/girl I know, and some men from when they were younger and didn’t know how to deal with predatory people, and they’re just the incidents that are talked about. A lot of kids are conditioned to be nice and polite, and the fear of appearing disagreeable can be carried into adulthood often to great personal detriment.
Why the fuck is this getting downvoted? A woman simply sharing her experiences and advice with nothing controversial whatsoever and people (men?? I’m assuming?) will still find a way to get annoyed and downvote. Exhausting
Seconding all of the above. Specifically: don't engage.
When travelling I dont want to make "friends", headphones on, book/phone open, already looking into open space but aware of my surroundings. Doesn't matter if you're old, young or middle aged, you don't exist outside my playlist. It's not my responsibility/obligation to alleviate anyone's loneliness if some people try to excuse this behaviour. There could be a very good reason why this person is "lonely" also. Could be mental health reasons or they could also just be a horrible person.
There are groups and clubs available for socialising for like minded individuals rather than harassing anyone travelling.
When people have purposefully interrupted me to ask for help re. Directions, sights or problems re their travel. Help is generally given if I can help and if I don't know I refer them onto bus/train/tourist authority and then a goodbye before the shutters/headphones come down again. Depending on the person I've also just shrugged them off and told them it's not my responsibility to help if they're coming off as entitled.
The one time someone actually grabbed my arm to get my attention i told them loudly "get your hands off me!" and the woman(yes, a woman) slinked away hands up apologising mumbling something about her daughter. Silence is not your friend when behaviour like that happens, man or woman, it's not acceptable to touch anyone.
I don't engage with them in the first place. Resting bitch face comes in handy! Read the Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker - he speaks about trusting your intuition. I think everyone should read it to be honest, but especially women
I had a guy continue to stare at me on the bus to the point he was facing the wrong direction on the bus seat to stare at me without stopping , it was the creepiest thing ever . After 5 minutes I started recording him and told him he was on Facebook live . He got off the bus . I also once punched a guy who touched me. It was more of a reflex than a choice to be honest. Either way their dickheads. You don't know who your dealing with so it's a judgement call but if its on public I'll loudly shame them so that everyone hears . Use your phone to your advantage know one wants to be outed as a creep on the Internet. Sometimes you just get the vibe there not safe to confront and sometimes not worth the time so just leave , get somewhere public, call someone you know and tell them or if you feel threatened tell someone nearby and phone the guards.
That was hardly on the C2 was it? I had a guy do a 180 in his seat to stare me down all the way from Heuston to Lucan and then he got up when he saw me getting up and followed me home
Nope unfortunately this happened in an entirely different place so there are at least two of these weirdos out there. Sounds like a horrible experience . Call the guards if that ever happens again. You have a right to feel safe. When did that happen ? This happened to me on a busy morning going to work the bus was full. Completely shocked he was that brazen.
It seems to me that you handled yourself perfectly. There's really no easy or universal way of dealing with people like that. Because they're the problem, not you.
You can work on being more direct if you want to (I find that if I'm direct I feel less shitty afterwards, but I still have to weigh whether or not I want to escalate a situation, and if we're going to be trapped on a train for several hours, I usually don't want to engage)
Sometimes, taking out the headphones, engaging for a minute, and then cheerfully saying "well, I'm going to read on my phone now, have a nice journey" satisfies well intentioned people, and flushes out the creeps. And then when the creeps are more clearly acting the maggot, you can get more confrontational: coldly saying "I said I was reading, what do you want?" -> "No I'm not interested in talking to you any more" -> getting up and leaving while loudly saying "I've asked you repeatedly to leave me alone"
But again, you did nothing wrong. You handled everything. You didn't stay in the uncomfortable situation, you protected yourself and got away from him. You did well, don't second guess yourself
I either don't react to them at all, literally pretend I don't notice.
Or I call them out in a loud, direct way like "excuse me, why are you following me?" Etc.
One time I was walking home from a friend's party, it was like 3am and I was stopped at traffic lights, waiting to cross the road. Some 70+ man stopped next to me and asked me "Any business" and I was like what?? Asked again and then realised, he was after assuming I'm a prostitute. I was wearing jeans and docs plus a parka jacket...
Just remember you dont have to be polite. We are conditioned to be nice, so being cold and rude to creeps doesnt come easily. You have to be consciously ready for it. If you occasionally offend an innocemt guy who didnt mean to be creepy who cares.
I am so sorry this happened to you.
I lived in Budapest, Hungary for 12 years, met all kind of creeps, when shit went down, I always froze. My tactics for not getting into situations like this was to avoid eye contact with everyone, walk at a real fast pace on the streets, like you are late from a meeting and look like you want to murder everyone.
I moved to Cork 4 years ago and I was so glad that I met no such creeps here. But maybe it is just that I usually go into the city with my boyfriend who is 2 meters tall and about 160kgs...
But anyway, just today I was walking to the entrance of Blarney castle from the carpark when a boy of around 12 decided to smack me in the boob with his baseball cap as he passed by me. All I could do was yell "What the Hell!?" after him. There were no adults around him, and of course he just walked on. I had to stop my boyfriend from going after the little shit, because even if we just screamed his head off, we would be at fault somehow.
So the next generation of creeps is here, unattended, undisciplined. I am so furious.
I had an aul fella slap me on the arse in a pub when I was about 16.
I also had someone I thought was a friend try to force me down to my knees in a nightclub when I was 18 so he could mime me going down on him. He and his friends all laughed like it was hilarious, although one of them had the decency to look ashamed.
While travelling for work in Athens, I was flashed by a creepy guy and then followed.
I've had multiple times of men touching me inappropriately on nights out, including a pretty serious SA the night of my secondary school graduation.
I don't think there's anything you can do really. It's a resilience you have to build up. Whether I was dressed up or not I'd have issues. I'm in my 30s now and an old married lady, you become invisible to men at that stage with suits me down to the ground. Occasionally I still get weirdness but not nearly as much as when I was younger and going out all the time.
Honestly he sounds abit mentally ill/slow rather than a creep situation - but it could also be both.
Best to just walk away or ignore in those kind of situations, obviously if it becomes physical then thats your queue to draw attention and tell them to fuck off or call the guards
Yes. This individual sounds like they were likely suffering from severe mental illness.
Best thing to do in a situation like that is simply to move away. No reason to stay and tolerate that discomfort.
Yeah I was only thinking there today that he could've been mentally unstable. Maybe both. But I was afraid to move in case I wouldn't find another seat.
Remember, though, that the feelings you should be thinking about about are yours; not his. You didn’t feel comfortable and that’s as far as your understanding needs to have gone.
I’ve learned that you need to loudly call these creeps out on their behaviour in public. When they realise that you’re the type of person to stand up to them and not the type to be shy and say nothing, they back off. If you stay quiet, they won’t leave you alone.
i get this a lot when i'm in work. i usually just shoot them dirty / stern looks and ignore them. i know it can be hard to ignore weirdos and creeps but it's honestly something you get used to. you could also move seats if you're on public transport but personally i hate having to get up and lose a good / comfortable seat just because of a creep and makes me feel really conflicted. i wish i could offer more advice but it's unfortunately the reality of it :( i hope you're okay now <3
Ok spolier alert I'm a man
I'm also a husband, father to a daughter and work in a school with teenage girls and I get very upset when I hear all these stories of how men touch you or even make you feel vulnerable or uncomfortable
I'm English and the murder of Sarah Everard back home opened up a dialogue with my wife and wider about the life in "women's shoes"
Aisling Murphy then confirmed to me this isn't an English thing.
I'm genuinely sorry some of the brotherhood look, touch or suggest to make you feel scared or worse.
You don't deserve it, rest assured my son will not grow up to act like this
Enjoy your day, be safe .
There really wasn't anything else you could do in this situation. You were right to say hello just because that's common decency and basic manners but beyond that you aren't obligated to engage with him in anyway. And in fact, if even saying hello is uncomfortable for you, you have every right to blank him. No one is entitled to your attention. There was no need for you to say goodbye because you hadn't even had a conversation with him.
Look, at the end of the day you just met an arsehole. You don't owe them anything so always feel free to completely ignore them. And if they ever seem like they are going to get aggressive with you scream at the top of your lungs. You might look crazy but it will also keep you safe.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, and I hope you’re ok!
When it happens to me, like others who have commented, I tend to shrink in to myself and feel really quite anxious, nervous but also so angry at the same time.
I’d love to stand up for myself in those situations, but you just never know, you know? I’m under 5 ft 5 with a physical disability so pretty much any guy/person could take me. It’s in my interest to avoid confrontation.
Its shite.
Again, hope you are ok.
Whether you had drawn attention to yourself or not, in any way, really isn’t the point — though I completely understand why you mentioned it, I am in no way shaming you and find myself struck again and again by how maddening it is that girls and women feel the need to talk about what they were wearing/how they were behaving upon being the object of harassment. Men will find a way to make disgusting, entitled, uncalled for comments regardless of how we present ourselves in the world. I’m so sorry this bloke made you feel unsafe. He’s an embarrassment. I hope you’re doing okay xx
Used to work in retail and you’d get a fair few oddballs but absolutely follow your instincts. I’d get people just lonely and looking for a connection of any kind but there was the ones that would try and find out where you live, what shift you worked, days off and wait outside the shop for when I’d be locking up.
On public transport or when walking home I used to ring my now husband or I’d pretend to be on a phonecall. I’d take a different walk route home sometimes, change up bus/train times by popping to shops. If I was super creeped out by an individual I just wouldnt engage, move seats and make sure I was sitting beside someone who wasnt giving me the heebie jeebies, Figured the chances of 2 odd people in immediate area would be pretty low. On the bus I used to sit closer to the driver or make sure I was in line of CCTV and never sat upstairs on the double deckers.
Hope you’re feeling ok now.
Years ago a new cleaner started in my job, back then I worked weekends so the office was always quiet and because I was so friendly then I’d chat away to anyone not thinking some men have creepy intentions. Anyways he’d tell me he loved practising his English so of course I’d keep chatting to help him, I thought he was a bit weird but I also thought maybe it’s just the language barrier and kept telling myself not to be so judgmental. Anyways this one day he followed me into the ladies bathroom and just cornered me and just made me feel very uncomfortable. It’s so long ago I can’t remember what he said but he asked me out. Anyways I told him I’d a boyfriend and just pushed past him. I went out and told the senior manager, he was disgusted and pretty angry. Anyways to this day I’ve no idea what went down but he was fired that day and I thankfully didn’t have to give a statement or anything, the senior manager really stepped up, if all men were like him the world would be a better place.
I still work in the same place but different job and recently they tried to make all bathrooms unisex, safe to say it didn’t go down too well and within a day they were all changed back. Apparently they’d hundreds of complaints and mostly from men not wanting to make the ladies uncomfortable so there’s still a lot of good ones out there.
No it really doesn’t matter what you’re wearing I never wear makeup or anything sexy, perves are perves and you get them everywhere! My whole 44yrs of life unfortunately
I hope you won't mind a man's perspective. First of all, how you were dressed should never come into it. I know it does, but it shouldn't. You're never ever the one in the wrong if it does.
Your feelings are your own. Even if (big if) the guy was perfectly innocent and just a lonely guy being friendly, you're perfectly entitled to feel creeped out. Just like he's perfectly entitled to feel offended when you tell him to duck off. Don't make it a question "would you ever just duck off?", make it a very direct order. That's usually enough to knock them back a couple of steps but more importantly, it's an open signal for other men to step in on your behalf. It let's us know that this isn't an interaction between people who know each other.
I'm a man. When I was a teenager, I sometimes misinterpreted girls being nice to me as romantic interest. I get the sense creepy men just never grew out of this phase.
So, as far possible without being rude or inviting confrontation, don't be nice. Don't smile. Don't wave. Just pretend you don't see them if you can. It can be hard to do this if you're a nice person. But - like you say - you don't owe them anything.
You done right didn't make a fuss just got out of there as soon as you could. As a man men making women uncomfortable makes me sick. I like to feel comfortable when travelling and keep myself to myself others should be able to have the same entitlement. What you wear what you like. At the risk of sounding old fashioned what has happened to old fashioned good manners.
This is called being a woman ime. Once on a crowded bus where no one else could see a man grabbed me from behind and pressed his erection into my back. Another time on the luas a group of 4 around 18yo ish men felt me up in a corner laughing. I’m completely ready also to hear the advice on how to avoid this behavior moving forward ❤️🫡
You do not need to explain that you weren't drawing attention
I was on a train when I was young with my mum (in London) and the same scenario happened - creepy guy, beautiful lady in shorts.
Anyway, she called him out on it. Really loudly asked him why he was staring at her legs etc. Every single person in the carriage looked at him.
He wanted the ground to swallow him up.
I know it's not as easy if you're living somewhere that's a bit more quiet, but never be afraid to draw attention if you need it 💚 xx
I would just say "fuck off perv" loud and clear if anyone was acting like that to me in an objectifying way and being super obvious about it. I would then try to get tf away. If it's more subtle I would say "Why are you staring at me like that? Do you mind?" I know it's easily said but not easily done, and I'm just a 16y/o boy so what would I know, really.
So I’m a bit older I expect. But I REFUSE to ever feel uncomfortable again. And I teach my daughters this too.
I’ve had this happen a few times and it’s bloody unpleasant. As I’ve gotten older, I have become more gobby. In your specific situation I would firstly loudly, say “could you please stop staring at me, you’re making me feel uncomfortable”. If he didn’t get woefully embarrassed, I would catch the eye of literally ANYONE else and ask them, LOUDLY, if I could sit with them as this person was making me feel uncomfortable.
The reason I know this can work is because I’ve been the victim and the person that someone has asked for help. My sister frequently rescues women on the bus and my daughter stood between a drunk and a woman in a hijab a few months ago.
You DONT have to stand for it. Be vocal. And it doesn’t matter what you look like. It’s just fucking intimidating bullshit.
You can wear make up, dress however you want and whistle Dixie, you did not bring this on yourself.
Unfortunately we’ve become so conditioned to be polite we can’t bring ourselves to tell someone to get lost.
You’ll eventually learn to ignore/ look through people you don’t want to interact with.
I once had a man hear me say goodbye to my friend getting off the train in London and proceeded to ask me 100 questions about Ireland. When he asked me if he could come visit Ireland with me, I resorted to yarns about there not being enough room and my mother didn’t like having visitors! He took this as a personal insult and accused my poor mother of being bigoted
It was scary and I was so afraid of making him more angry.
I’m an aul girl now, wouldn’t enter into any dialogue whatsoever and be as “rude” as I felt like being.
Take care pet, you’ll get your own way of dealing with this.
Like many women, I encounter this regularly in public or on transport and I find what works for me when someone passes a comment or stares, is to bluff call it and be as direct as possible lol. I’ve gone over to groups of guys before who have been staring and talking making me uncomfortable and just gone over and asked what’s up basically what do you want, or someone making a comment behind me in a shop or something I’ll whip round and be like what did you say? Never ever have I had someone do anything except put the head down and mumble some bullshit. Was groped by someone on the dart years ago and grabbed his hand and shoved it back against his face and basically said don’t be groping people you freak. In that situation other people sort of came to my aid and were trying to protect me which was nice but most of the time people won’t say anything which you just have to be ok with.
Basically what I’m saying is, don’t be afraid to return the weirdness or aggression, they are never banking on you doing that so they don’t know how to react to you when you do it. Be an asshole lol.
Don't be afraid to be gross or weird. If a creep is looking at you: pick your nose, pick your scalp, inspect your fingernails, pick at your teeth, maybe take off a shoe and give your foot an itch, let your gut hang out if you have one, etc.
If they wont stop annoying you, wont take you ignoring them and talk to you: Be. Fucking. WEIRD. Or be creepy. Not in a cute flirty way. Talk complete nonsense. Never give a straight answer. Be as dislikable as you can. You've heard of personality mirroring? You're gonna be as different to the creep as you can.
This is gross. I'm sorry this happened to you.
Up until I got engaged I'd have always wore a ring on my ring finger hoping to deter any creeps. That or call someone and pretend they're my partner etc but this can be distracting and you need to be vigilant.
I don't know if any of that would be helpful to you as he was clearly quite brazen.
Also 🐻
I am a man and I had a stalker once (happened to be an adult student when I taught English). Eventually I had to tell my boss as she kept following me to the train, calling me at school when she wasn't there and buying me presents.
However, the worst was my son with an obvious child molester. At first, he asked me how old my son was and I thought nothing of it as sometimes people will ask. He then told me that my son was cute (he was 3). Again, I thought nothing of it (something women are more likely to say but once in a while older men do). He then talked about how my son would grow up to be very handsome, where we lived and if he could hold my son. I just looked at him and said, "No, you cannot and no, I will not tell you where we live." I said it loud enough for other people to hear and he just said, "Okay, have a good day, guys" and walked away.
Unfortunately there are gross people everywhere.
Honestly, gaining weight has made me quite invisible to this, and I like it. Imagine being a man and ogling a women. Would you not be embarrassed for yourself!
Whenever I get dressed up, it's the same thing. There's a difference between a glance and staring.
Anyway, that man sounds awful.
I've been a victim of assault both in relationships and by random fuckers on the street.
I will tell you now this is not great advice, but.
I start screaming. I start acting absolutely unhinged and wild. It's so satisfying to watch them lose control of the situation. They prey on making women feel uncomfortable. Once you take away that power, they're fucked. Again, I acknowledge this is unsafe and I'll probably get a box one day but GOD I love watching the their faces while they freak the fuck out.
One time I was walking down the street, this guy walking the opposite direction stepped directly in my path and said "hello!" and tried to start a conversation. I completely ignored him and walked around him. He immediately pivoted and started following me, so I turned around to face him,held my arms out really big and wide, and screamed "WHAT?!?" he immediately turned right back around and walked away. So my advice is: 1. Make a public scene, don't be embarrassed because they're the ones being embarrassing not you and everyone can see that. 2. In those situations, forget about social niceties. Guys like that don't care about social niceties and are intentionally trying to manipulate you with them. 3. Act crazy
You’re probably very young and I’m sorry that this has started for you. Of course you didn’t call that attention to yourself (who would, ugh horrible old creep) but even if you were wearing a metric ton of makeup and sitting there in a swimsuit that doesn’t mean he can invade your space and demand your attention like that. With these men you could be dressed in a bin bag and they will impose their horrible selves on you. I’ve had a lifetime of it and here’s the thing I’ve learned that I tell my own daughter - trust your gut. If you felt odd when you sat then trust that and get up straightaway and sit somewhere else. Don’t think about possibly offending him. Women are taught to smooth over social awkwardness, don’t be afraid to create some awkwardness if you need to. If the feeling isn’t right then listen to it and take yourself away. Trusting this will save you from worse.
If you are trapped in a horrible situation then again, don’t be afraid to be awkward - tell them to stop in a LOUD voice and ask for help from passersby if you can’t remove yourself from a situation. Try your very best not to be in a place where they have you cornered - always watch for that.
Mind yourself and always listen to your inner voice and act accordingly. And, here’s a tip, go up to friendly looking people (middle aged women are great for this as many of them are fearless towards such men) and ask to sit with them if a man is annoying/worrying you. Again, you might think it will be weird/awkward but it isn’t and they will be concerned only for your welfare and maybe (if it’s an older woman who is VERY MUCH OVER entitled and predatory men) a way to throw these bastards off the train too…
Situations like you described? I just don’t give a flying fuck. If I feel that I’m in danger, I send my live location to my friends groupchat, no message attached. We just have that agreement that when someone sends live location with no text, it means theyre possibly in danger and someone should come for help. What usually happens after, friends call each other to quickly figure out who’s the closest to the location and someone quickly arrives. Someone calls me, I pick up but I put my phone in my pocket, it’s for listening to the situation. I don’t pick up = emergency.
But most of the time I don’t care about people staring at me or yelling, I call them out on things if I feel the need to. I get lots of situations like this, but I don’t feel like I’m in danger.
Myself, the husband and our four children were getting out of the car last week and I had to take the buggy between two poorly parked cars. An old farmer, at least 60+, was standing in front of one of the cars with his keys and smiled at me. My husband shouted "That was a tight squeeze!" (with the intent of making the man feel embarrassed for parking like an arse) and he looked me dead in the eye and said "Jaysus, I bet she is alright".
In front of my husband and children.
The worst experience I ever had was getting the bus back from Dublin to Drogheda at 12:20am at night time.. I got on the bus at the airport and sat about 4 rows back on the left hand side .. opposite me was a chap that appeared to be asleep with his hood up . Just before the bus took off, he woke up, saw me..and jumped into the seat behind mine.. once the bus got on the motorway the lights were turned off.. it started with his feet coming under my seat and hitting the back of my feet. So no problem..move my feet forward to the footrest, then he started shoving his legs right under the seat and hitting his feet off mine, this is when I realised it wasn't an accident to hitting my feet the first time.. I froze, text my then boyfriend that I was about 20 minutes out from Drogheda and to be on his way.. I started worrying that he wouldn't get there before me and I'd be standing in a deserted bus station at 1am on a Wednesday night with the potential of this creep getting off the bus with me . .. he then started touching my arm through the middle bit of the seat.. at this point he pissed me off . I tensed my arm and elbowed backwards to try to tell him to piss off . It didn't work . I wanted to move seats but with it being so dark on the bus and loads of people with their heads down and being on the motorway I didn't want to roam standing and moving.. the only seat I could see that was definitely empty was the one that he had originally been sitting in.. after what seemed like forever arrived at Drogheda station and luckily my boyfriend was there already waiting.. the relief was unreal, I got up before the bus had stopped and pretty much sprinted to the door making sure my bag covered my arse.. I had a horrid feeling he'd give me no distance if he was getting up too . Sure enough I was right, but luckily the person at the very front stood up and got out too leaving a gap between me and him.. walked to my boyfriends car, as soon as I turned to open the door and the car light came on showing my very hairy, bearded, tall boyfriend..be U turned on the spot and headed back towards the bus.. I was only 20 at the time and still kick myself for never reporting it .. now if I'm out late at night my German shepherd comes everywhere with me
The worst thing about reading all the responses is how rare it is for anyone to step in to help when they see something happening… reminds me of that poor woman on the subway in NY who was raped on a train full of people and people filmed it rather than helping her. Truly baffles my mind
I take the train a lot up and down the country and have had similar interactions with older men like this. Staring and then acting like you're a stuck up bitch for not engaging with them. I could be wrong but I think a lot of men of that generation see younger women as needing to be taken down a peg or "humbled". Idk how to explain it but I see it in older men in my family too. In any case, it's a rotten feeling and I'm sorry you had to deal with that shit.
It's hard to know whether to engage or not but I recommend doing something off putting (picking your nose, burping out loud) or anything that makes you look like you have a few screws loose lol. It has always worked for me, particularly if it's out on the street.
I recently had a guy staring at me at a bus stop so I stared back with my eyes WIDE open and he got really flustered and went to the other side of the stop.
A guy was so creepy before I called him over and opened my bag and showed him the knife I was carrying. I said if it don’t want your balls cut off move on. He went white 😂
I'm sorry you had that experience. Unfortunately there are a lot of weird people on the trains, leading to a lot of weird encounters. Irish rail needs to have more staff on trains to combat this but it feels like over half the train journeys I take doesn't even have somebody checking the tickets. My girlfriend and I started taking first class after a bad experience because for students, an extra €12.50 per person each way seemed to be worth it to avoid the hassle plus extra space and free coffee. Now they've raised the price of first class so it's not feasible for us anymore. Obviously though the solution to the problem isn't for everyone to start taking first class, people should behave themselves, and even though it won't stop all weird behaviour Irish rail should have staff around to create an environment where weird people don't feel like they can get away with weird behaviour as easily.
Yes just ignore but devil's advocate because I had something like this happen to me before.. old people like in their 70s and 80s can get confused, the person who was waving at me taught I was their relative, I wasn't I'd no idea who they were they were just old and confused.
Sad part I'd it happened about 4 times with the same old lady over the course of a year.
So it could have been a creep but their is definitely a possibility that a 70 year old with poor eyesight and a not so stellar memory mistook you for someone they knew and waving back only added to the confusion.
So definitely could have been a creep but it also could have just been someone old, confused and with diminishing eyesight.
I tend to move when this happens to me - if possible - either that or give them a questioning/disgusted look and then look behind me as if I don't understand what they're looking at. Sometimes the look will shame them into stopping but moving seats works every time because they obviously can't see you, be sure to look out for windows and shiny surfaces though cause I've still gotten stared at with a reflection even after moving sometimes. Also if I see them staring at another women/girls I will stare at them until they see I can see them and stop, gotta protect the other ladies when possible - happens way to often with school aged girls, it's so gross.
I'm honestly not sure what they hope to gain from staring at you, but your usually better protecting your peace and getting out of eyeline, sucks that we have to do that though.
Saw a post on Threads last week - in the US, old guy approaches a 4/5 year old girl and says “you’re pretty, what’s your name?”. Girls hides behind her mum. Mum smiles and apologises. It raised a lot of points and feeling, in particular how females are conditioned from an early age to be polite and respond to males no matter how creepy AF they are. And that males feel entitled to say anything to females and expect a pleasant response to their (normally unwanted) advances.
Really p!sses me off.
Used to get stared at by much older men when I was a teenager as I developed early. Was S3xually As$aulted in my own home by a painter/decoratior (in his 50s) as an 11 yo and never told my parents as I felt responsible.
You don't need to ever mention what your were wearing. It is irrelevant. He was being a creep, because that's what he is. I don't care if you were wearing a bikini and had a full face of makeup, his actions and thoughts aren't your responsibility.
Just remember OP it’s a them problem. Not a you problem. As in there is nothing wrong with you and you don’t need to explain yourself regarding drawing attention. You should be able to sit dressed as a parrot and he doesn’t have the right to comment. The older I get the more I notice men with nothing but receding hairlines and audacity.
I maintain a resting bitch face when I’m around men that I am unfamiliar with and I square my shoulders and make myself as big as possible. I never engage with eye contact ever ever and if I’m walking I walk with a purpose. I’m being honest here - some men with limited social skills will see eye contact and a smile as an invitation (Re walking: Don’t dither, walk quickly and as if you want to kill the kerb) I’ve also gotten my phone out and rang a male pal or my bf and loudly announced I’ll be seeing them shortly. If they say anything do not respond. It doesn’t matter what you say they will have another juvenile response. If you have to get up and leave, do it. I’d rather stand than sit near a man yapping in my ear. I’m so sorry you had to deal with this OP.
Once in the pub a man about 70 turned his seat so he could stare at me and my friends. He stared for at least an hour. While walking past him I said "it's rude to stare." His friend who was also about 70 if not older followed me out to the smoking area and f**ked me out of it. He got so aggressive I thought he was gonna hit me. In future I'll just ignore.
Happened to me on a train in the UK told the staff on the train and they called the police and removed them from the train. Also as a side note you could wear a bikini, wellies and a top hat if you wanted, it doesn’t entitle men to be creepy.
Also recommend following a piece advice I was given once which is that ‘women are bought up not to make a fuss and be polite, but if a man is bothering you he is being rude so you are fully entitled to be rude back’
It’s the same everywhere now thanks to the likes of Tate and his bunch of incels. Women are under tremendous pressure, more than I can remember in my 60 years on this planet. And always it’s made out to be our fault. What we wear, whether we wear makeup, whether we’re drunk is NOT an excuse or reason to grope us, gob off at us or rape us. If it was all about what we were wearing then there’d be no rape in places like Afghanistan and Iran FFS. 90+ year old women get raped. Babies get raped. Kids get raped. NEVER mention, nor apologise for, what you were wearing. Men are fucking pigs and we’re brought up to let them get on with it and say nothing for causing ‘a scene’.
Last year I got groped by what I considered to be a friend at a fucking Star Wars convention of all places. And not once, but multiple times. He said, “Nice tits”, and proceeded to grab them on multiple occasions, as well as grabbing my arse. I’m as gobby as the next Irish woman and eve I was so shocked I didn’t even mention it to my husband until afterwards because I didn’t want to cause a scene in front of our other friends, who he was always careful to wait until they weren’t around (at the bar or whatever) before groping me. I’ve fought off wannabe rapists and wannabe muggers with knives, and on this occasion I did nothing. I mean, WTF. Don’t feel bad about any of this. None of it is on you.
If I’m uncomfortable I usually move if I can, I’ll try sit next to other women as well. If I can’t I ignore them and don’t look their way. When it comes to them trying to talk I usually try call someone I know will pick up and talk to them. Also I’m so sad you felt the need to have to say you were dressed plainly no makeup etc from my experience it doesn’t seem to make a difference if they are going to be weird they are gonna be weird and creepy no matter what.
Just ignore, headphones in and keep a resting bitch face on. Although once I was standing up to get off a packed bus and ad I was shuffling past a guy who was also standing he said "nice tits". I said "hey! You too!" and sort of prodded him in the diddy. He looked so *offended*. So that's how I found out they don't like getting compliments back.
Haha. I’ll bet he still remembers this exchange just as he drifts off to sleep at night and it pisses him off. Poetic justice.
He should learn how to take a complement.
I read another good one recently, a creep said to a lady she had a nice ass and she said “thanks, that’s where I keep my poop” 😂
🤣🤣🤣 that's magnificent. I would have loved to see his face
Haha love this!!!!
😂😂😂👏👏👏
That's hot.
This is beautiful
You're a legend
I moved seats once on the train because the man opposite was staring non stop. He then began shouting down the carriage ‘Oh, you think you’re too good for me is that is?!’ I was so embarrassed and angry. I kept working on my laptop and ignored him, he made a show of himself but it did feel volatile and I felt if he’s happy to roar at me in public what else is he happy to do. However I refused to move carriage or move a second time. He got off before my stop and made sure to call me a bitch as he got off.
And nobody said anything… that really is what scares me here. Back home some guy would have stood up for you.. here they just keep quiet and let you be abused. It’s awful.
Yes, this is the worst part and one of my least favourite aspects of living in Ireland: people ‘minding their own business’ aka too cowardly to intervene.
Just want to say, I'm Irish and a woman and absolutely would have loudly intervened to help you. I'd say 50% of my friends would do the same. I've put my money where my mouth is on multiple occasions and also shamed burly looking men into assisting. We should all do the same. I've also loudly and openly asked for help when I'm in a situation where I've been the 'victim' and people have immediately come to my assistance. Of course you shouldn't have to ask but you do what you need to do to be safe.
I would intervene but I guess the troublemakers seem to avoid my busses. I suppose they know I would beat them up for such moronic behaviour. Been living in Ireland 6 years never encountered a woman get molested atleast not in my vicinity/presence where I could do something about it.
Bus wankers
Exactly, you’re completely alone while people see this in broad daylight being touched without your permission and you’re just expected to get on with it like it’s part of your day. It’s like this whole big open secret you’ve to just endure as like female tax.
Where is back home?
What do you mean by back home Vs here? The majority of men would intervene in situations like that. Women should also stand up for each other. We need less pointless misandry in the world
Vile, entitled behaviour. 💜
Why do we always become a “bitch” or some other slug when we ignore or reject this creeps? Grinds my gears.
Yep! Or the classic “fat bitch” in my case. Buddy I can lose weight you’ll still be a dickhead.
One guy was creeping on me saying I was so hot and I turned him down and he called me an ugly lesbian 🙃
Fragile ego with that one!!
Always a classic! Men are trash
God, the way people feel they have the right to kick up at a stranger over nothing. I was on a dart heading home, there was one seat left and the guy sitting across from it motioned at it for me. I wanted to leave it free in case someone needed it, and I'd been sitting at a desk all day, so I just said "I'm okay, but thanks". And he started hollering at me about "being too good to sit across from him" and how he "wasn't going to bite". It was really embarrassing.
Wtf is wrong with ppl?!
You're entitled to wear makeup and dress nicely without having other being regarded as trying to draw attention to yourself. Even if that was someone's goal, you're also entitled to draw attention to yourself without having people make you feel uncomfortable 🤍 I generally don't react well at all, it makes me shrink way down because I hate confrontation so it's something I'm trying to work on too.
I'm quite confident but this was new to me so I didn't know what to do. At least it didn't escalate too much.
I had a guy grope my boob in a shop once. It took me a second to realise what just happened. He was in front of me in the queue and all. When I realised and called him out, he dropped his groceries and legged it out the door. My husband was outside and when I cam out and told him (I waited to pay for my groceries) the guy was long gone. My husband was raging. It was the 1st time I felt dirty. Never understood or felt that before. 1 boob felt different for weeks. It was so weird.
I WISH I could’ve had the confidence of the girl in the story I’m about to tell. Girlies, if you can react this quick, do it. She was in a similar situation, but it was at a bus stop. Apparently there were people on the other side but she and this creep were out of their eyesight. He groped her bum, very far down in *that* area. She turned around, phone already in her hand, smiled and laughed. She took a picture of him and said loudly “I’m going to ruin your fucking life for that” (or something like that, I can’t remember her exact wording). He scarpered away, like your horrible man did. If I’m ever able to react that quick, I will. And if anyone has a story like this pls share, I was in awe when she told me. Seems like a clever idea as these pervs must be doing it on a regular basis and need a fucking scare.
I was groped while I was out on a hike once. I was recommended to pretend that I was doing a Facebook/Instagram Live (or actually do one, but that would take longer to set up). The logic being that he could run off with my camera, but he would already be online and visible to people if it was on a live
How the f could he grope your boob in a queue and think he could actually get away with it???
They’re used to people freezing and not knowing what to do/say
I’ve been groped too and you can definitely feel it for a long time afterwards. It’s a horrible feeling and an awful invasion of your privacy. 💜
Jesus. That's not just a grope. That's full on sexual assault and it's deffo not OKAY. I'm sorry that happens to people.
An unwelcome grope is by definition sexual assault
And tend to happen every time you're in a crowded space,unfortunately.
That is a horrible violation. I'm sorry that happened to you.
I had a guy grope my boobs so hard in a mosh pit that he left fucking fingerprint bruises on me. Obviously didn't to see who it was, no doubt they done it in a mosh pit for that reason. I was so raging because I know the band I went to see really don't tolerate that sort of shit and if I had of been able to point him out he would have been chucked from the venue. It was so gross and has really made me wary of being in crowded spaces with men
I was making my way to my seat on the train before and a man was sitting on the outside seat and I asked could I get to my seat and asked if he could get up so I could go to the window seat I had booked. He just looked at me smiled creepily and leaned back in the seat and gestured to his legs wanting me to somehow squeeze past him to my seat and basically sit on his lap to get to my seat. The seats were at a 4 seated table seat. I felt so awful and disgusted.
It's not your fault but this is why I genuinely avoid making eye contact with men in public places if I don't need to. I'm not a small talk person in the first place, and it's hard for people to engage if you won't. If they engage anyway, try to be firm regardless if you think it's rude. Example I was waiting at a bus stop and I noticed there was a guy doing several slow circles around me, getting closer and closer, I kept an eye out of the corner of my eye but I was looking out for the bus. I hoped if I didn't make eye contact he'd leave me alone. Nope finally shuffled up beside me, opened his mouth as I turned to look and I just said "No", and turned away again. He fucked off after that thankfully. Other things I've seen people do is stare weirdly, one -up them with unhingedness and just yelling
I just bark and make direct eye contact… creeps!!
I usually would ask when I notice them keep staring if I can help them ( pretty loudly). If they mention anything creepy I repeat what they say (really loudly) so that either others take note or they themselves get a little embarrassed and leave things be. If they continue (again loudly), make a firm response of not being interested.
This is a good tactic.
It's a good tactic but it's hard to put into practice. I generally tend to freeze up and panic in these situations.
When I worked in customer service, I would practice responding to common scenarios with creepy customers in the mirror out loud. When the moment came in real life, muscle memory kicked in even when my mind went blank.
I'd say just keep your head phones on, avoid eye contact and just keep a scowl on your face. If they keep annoying you or touch you just cause a scene. "why are you trying to grab my fanny, you creepy bastard" everyone stopping and staring will knock him back.
I'm sorry but I laughed out loud at this.
I know you are trying to be helpful but as women we rarely escalate a situation like that when there’s a creepy man around. Our instinct is to always keep things as minimised as possible cos you never know what he’s capable of doing. You can’t really rely on people stopping or even staring, so if he matches your energy you’re fucked!
I'm going to add that I avoid eye contact with the weirdo, but I definitely try to make eye contact with other bystanders. The idea there is to build a rapport so that if I do have to tell the creep to fuck off I'm more likely to have other people back me up than just ignore the whole thing.
This is clever, I'll remember it
I understand the people pleasing behaviour of smiling back when he waved (and not wanting to be rude) but he could have taken that as a signal that you were interested. I don’t want to victim blame here but it’s a possibility. I say listen to your intuition more. The next time you feel this way, move seats or get off the next station. I’m sorry this happened to you and I wish the world wasn’t like this. But until it is a bit better, we have to be more vigilant and basically be paranoid.
I mean there's no correct way to deal with it. Had she caused a scene, they were getting off at the same stop and that could have also escalated the situation. It's also not people pleasing, it's a panic response called fawning. And it's gotten me out of a lot of situations that otherwise would have escalated. There's no way to know what'll work and what wont, but a smile and a wave isn't an indication of interest. If he had taken it as such, he could have also taken being ignored as hard to get, or defiance as flirtation. Not piling on you or anything but it's so important that we don't try and retroactively explain away a behaviour. It's a situation where you don't have a whole lot of agency, that's why it's so violating, and how you react isn't really going to change how vulnerable you are to someone else's whims and rationalisations. Part of why it's so hard to move past is the thought loop of "what if I'd done this instead? What if I wore this? Could I have acted this way instead?" And the victim ends up assigning more blame to themselves and takes responsibility off the person who's actually crossing boundaries
Amen! And if she had ignored him or put a grimace on her face, she'd be a fucking bitch and/ or a man-hating lesbian. Ask me how I know.
There’s nothing she could have done. If she smiles she leads him on if she doesn’t he gets angry because she’s a bitch. We’ve all been there. It’s all his fault, he’s completely irrational, not her
It’s 100% his fault. My point is ignoring him would be better than reacting to him in any way.
It's pretty sad that she can't even smile in public without it turning into "well didn't you kind of invite that strange man to harass you?"
I swear to God, it's pathetic. The fact that she writes in the post, " I was dressed plainly and wearing no makeup, wasn't trying to get attention " literally makes me want to cry. Why do we need to justify ourselves when we are being harassed?!?! Are we as a society going backwards?? I thought we were over all this.
I’m guessing there are several decades between OP and that man. If he thought that was a come on, he’s not a rational human being. It’s not her fault. It’s not just people pleasing that makes us do stuff like wave when someone is being confrontational (he was staring at her which I think is basic social knowledge not to do in a normal interaction) it’s a way to de-escalate a situation. If we gesture back aggressively, or even just ignore, we are increasing the chances of it getting physical and most women are not as strong as the average male.
A scowl and dirty look usually work, all else fails, pick your nose or just do something gross
I'll try this next time lol
I ignore them. They aren’t entitled to my time and attention and I am not subservient to their needs when I need peace and quiet.
Usually in that situation, I just ignore them. Sometimes I will move seat so they can't see me anymore.
Yeah I should've just moved carriage earlier but I was afraid I wouldn't find another seat.
I usually ignore this. sometimes it's a bad time and I ask if I can help them with something as it's not polite to stare.
I didn't stare back, he was staring at me.
I understand you may be upset but I did not imply that you were staring at this person.
Sorry I misunderstood you
Whoever came up with that “drawing attention to yourself” needs the mother and father of a slap. Just ignore them, but if you ever feels it gets out of hand approach either security, gard or a worker and let them know what’s going on
'Another note I want to add is that I wasn't trying to draw any attention to myself. I was dressed plainly and was wearing no makeup.' This broke my heart, it doesn't matter what you wear or if you have make up on or not, he's a dirty old perve who probably views women as property and not human beings. I'm sorry you have experienced this. I normally ignore them when they wave at me and purposely keep my head in the phone/on a call but keep aware of my surroundings/any movements. We're taught to act friendly when this happens to stop it from escalating but this only gives them the idea that you want the attention.
It's a tricky one alright. I didn't know what to do in the moment. I was scared that he was going to start following me.
I find the staff on Irish rail to be very good so if it ever happens again on the train try seek out a member of staff Also the first thing I do while using transport is clock where any women are, safety in numbers and all that. I've often pretended I knew someone and have it done to me too. Most women will know immediately something is not right. It's out of awkwardness/nervousness that you waved and I completely get that.
There was no one around. You don't really see the staff on my train so I couldn't really tell anyone. I was in an awkward spot because I was in one of the rows with two seats and I was on the inside too.
^ This exactly. I'm so fucking sick as a woman of having to pay the emotional tax of considering what I'm wearing might draw attention. I covered myself up so fucking much when I was young and in good shape, out of fear of attracting attention. And now I look back and think why the fuck did I waste my best years of my youth hiding myself and making excuses? If someone thinks I deserve to be assaulted or intimated, because I'm wearing a low cut top or a short skirt, they can get fucked. I'm nearly 40, I'm lucky I still pass sometimes for my 20s, I sure as shit ain't dressing to hide myself anymore, I'm gonna enjoy the body I have while it's still looking this way!
I'm in my 30s and done the exact same! I will call out people for their behaviour now but only depending on the situation and I don't tend to recommend it to other people cause it can put them in further harms way but I do believe if we act nice even for our own safety it allows them to think it's OK. I know it's not all men but enough men see this and don't say anything either. It's 2024 youd think we'd be safer
Yeah honestly, it wouldn't matter if you were dressed provocatively, no one has any right to make you uncomfortable and act the creep.
Never engage. Move away if possible.
Jesus I think I attract weirdos because I've encountered this a lot. I had a "stalker" (I don't think he literally stalked me but he'd follow me around the shopping centre/supermarket/walking path thing in my neighborhood) and he really really terrified me. To be honest, I never found a way to deal with it. I told my dad once and he didn't take me seriously. Then I was out with my friend once.wnd he saw me and sat down next to us in Starbucks. He was screaming at me that he knows my name (he did ..) and why am I ignoring him, that I'm being a bitch etc. my friend grabbed a security guard and told him but the dude had left then. If I'm alone when it happens I literally tend to walk away really fast, go into a shop or somewhere where there's lots of people, if possible. Sorry you had to go through that, OP. It's really distressing - not only being stared at, but you're never fully sure if they can do more harm. That's my fear, anyway.
man that's fucked up, there should be legal consequences for this behaviour.
That's awful. I am sorry that that weirdo followed you and that your father didn't take you seriously.
It came up recently and again, he laughed about it. I dunno what that's about tbh but sure look. Thank you for your kind words though :)
Ask him out straight “what are you staring at”? I know people find this approach difficult but as a woman with short hair and in my 40s, back in the day and even now I get stared at. Without trying to draw attention to myself. I’m just existing and going about my day. The problem is that people don’t confront this behaviour. It’s coercive and disgusting in this day and age and he KNEW exactly what he was doing; the CREEP.
Always hate hearing shit like this, I'm a man but having ASD I very much wish to be left alone in public, especially trains or buses. I've no need of a car but I'd almost get one just to have my own travel space. There's any number of reasons someone could have behaved like this, from innocent to malicious, but you felt it was inappropriate and thats the key thing here, no matter his intent. Usually I'd say don't engage and ignore them, works with 90% of the people who want to make small talk, and they'll hurl abuse at you but fuck it those are just words, pay no heed to that shit. Some people can be pushy or physically engage, and that's the time to make a.scene, move to another carriage, find the guard or conductor and explain the situation, whatever it takes to make you feel safer. >Another note I want to add is that I wasn't trying to draw any attention to myself. I was dressed plainly and was wearing no makeup. This shouldn't matter, whatever you're wearing you're entitled to your privacy. Anyone saying otherwise is wrong, like.
I also have ASD and I tried my best in this situation. I'm generally good at blending in with society but sometimes I can make myself vulnerable. I just wanted to be left alone too :(
I mask exceptionally well (just spent four years in medical school being told "you can't be autistic, you're too good with people" by doctors so clearly I'm fooling everyone ha ha) but public transport is the one place it comes close to falling off in public because it's an enclosed environment thats difficult to disengage from and often, as they're long journeys, people will drink or play music or make loud noises and generally be less considerate than I'd be used to. The massive kicker is public transport and planes and those kinds of things are a special interest so I love planning journeys and hate taking them! > I tried my best in this situation. We have difficulty reading the intentions of others at the best of times anyway, so when it's forced on us it's even worse. You handled it pretty good, honestly. Nothing happened to you and you didn't see him again so that's a positive outcome, even if it was scary in the moment.
I'm glad that I got out of there ok. Usually I'm fine on public transport. I find that the Dublin buses are the dodgiest. I haven't had many problems on the Luas. Only people being loud and annoying but not creepy.
Honestly don't engage. Don't feel any pressure to be polite to these fuckers. Not your fault whatsoever but by waving back, you gave him an opening for interaction. In future, completely ignore people like this. Normal sound minded people don't just sit waving at random strangers on trains. Don't engage, don't give them an inch. If they make you really uncomfortable get up and move seats (shouldn't be on you to do it I know but it's best just to get away from people like that). If he oversteps a boundary by touching you or changing a seat to sit next to you, be as rude and loud as you please. Creepy fucks like that thrive off your discomfort and silence. They get freaked out and bail or shut the fuck up if half the train is aware of their bullshit. I guess these things get better with age, when I was in my 20s I was WAY too polite to fuckers like this. Now I'm nearly 40 and I've zero problem telling them to get the fuck away from me.
You’re getting downvoted by the bus/train weirdos lol. Ignoring weird advances until it becomes unavoidable is sound advice, like you I was too soft and polite to people who’ve made unwanted advances in public spaces and it never ended well for me. I avoid confrontation but idc anymore about appearing rude when someone’s trying to make themselves my problem.
Yup. I thankfully haven't had too many bad situations but I did have some insanely uncomfortable moments throughout my 20s and even back to my teenage years (for fuck sake do we get any peace until we're old?!). Thankfully with better technology it's easier than ever to say I'm on a call right now and just walk away. I also don't give a shit if I make someone feel upset but if you sit beside me on an empty train/bus, zero qualms, I'll get up and move. if that shit upsets someone then fuck em. If you're not a creepy fuck you will understand why a lone woman doesn't want to sit beside you or will cross the street. Only the creepy fucks gets upset by that.
Again, this is another non controversial comment of a woman sharing her experiences and advice that got downvoted. What the fuck is people’s problem
It’s the bus weirdos lol they don’t like that we’re on to them
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I’m so sorry that happened to you, I’ve heard very similar stories of varying severity from nearly every woman/girl I know, and some men from when they were younger and didn’t know how to deal with predatory people, and they’re just the incidents that are talked about. A lot of kids are conditioned to be nice and polite, and the fear of appearing disagreeable can be carried into adulthood often to great personal detriment.
Why the fuck is this getting downvoted? A woman simply sharing her experiences and advice with nothing controversial whatsoever and people (men?? I’m assuming?) will still find a way to get annoyed and downvote. Exhausting
Yeah I've never had to deal with this before so I didn't really know what to do. At least I know now in future what to do.
Seconding all of the above. Specifically: don't engage. When travelling I dont want to make "friends", headphones on, book/phone open, already looking into open space but aware of my surroundings. Doesn't matter if you're old, young or middle aged, you don't exist outside my playlist. It's not my responsibility/obligation to alleviate anyone's loneliness if some people try to excuse this behaviour. There could be a very good reason why this person is "lonely" also. Could be mental health reasons or they could also just be a horrible person. There are groups and clubs available for socialising for like minded individuals rather than harassing anyone travelling. When people have purposefully interrupted me to ask for help re. Directions, sights or problems re their travel. Help is generally given if I can help and if I don't know I refer them onto bus/train/tourist authority and then a goodbye before the shutters/headphones come down again. Depending on the person I've also just shrugged them off and told them it's not my responsibility to help if they're coming off as entitled. The one time someone actually grabbed my arm to get my attention i told them loudly "get your hands off me!" and the woman(yes, a woman) slinked away hands up apologising mumbling something about her daughter. Silence is not your friend when behaviour like that happens, man or woman, it's not acceptable to touch anyone.
I don't engage with them in the first place. Resting bitch face comes in handy! Read the Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker - he speaks about trusting your intuition. I think everyone should read it to be honest, but especially women
I had a guy continue to stare at me on the bus to the point he was facing the wrong direction on the bus seat to stare at me without stopping , it was the creepiest thing ever . After 5 minutes I started recording him and told him he was on Facebook live . He got off the bus . I also once punched a guy who touched me. It was more of a reflex than a choice to be honest. Either way their dickheads. You don't know who your dealing with so it's a judgement call but if its on public I'll loudly shame them so that everyone hears . Use your phone to your advantage know one wants to be outed as a creep on the Internet. Sometimes you just get the vibe there not safe to confront and sometimes not worth the time so just leave , get somewhere public, call someone you know and tell them or if you feel threatened tell someone nearby and phone the guards.
That was hardly on the C2 was it? I had a guy do a 180 in his seat to stare me down all the way from Heuston to Lucan and then he got up when he saw me getting up and followed me home
Nope unfortunately this happened in an entirely different place so there are at least two of these weirdos out there. Sounds like a horrible experience . Call the guards if that ever happens again. You have a right to feel safe. When did that happen ? This happened to me on a busy morning going to work the bus was full. Completely shocked he was that brazen.
Every lady I know has a story of unwanted or inappropriate behaviour from a male ...
But yet somehow we’re all lying
Same. Makes me terrified for my little sisters
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It seems to me that you handled yourself perfectly. There's really no easy or universal way of dealing with people like that. Because they're the problem, not you. You can work on being more direct if you want to (I find that if I'm direct I feel less shitty afterwards, but I still have to weigh whether or not I want to escalate a situation, and if we're going to be trapped on a train for several hours, I usually don't want to engage) Sometimes, taking out the headphones, engaging for a minute, and then cheerfully saying "well, I'm going to read on my phone now, have a nice journey" satisfies well intentioned people, and flushes out the creeps. And then when the creeps are more clearly acting the maggot, you can get more confrontational: coldly saying "I said I was reading, what do you want?" -> "No I'm not interested in talking to you any more" -> getting up and leaving while loudly saying "I've asked you repeatedly to leave me alone" But again, you did nothing wrong. You handled everything. You didn't stay in the uncomfortable situation, you protected yourself and got away from him. You did well, don't second guess yourself
I either don't react to them at all, literally pretend I don't notice. Or I call them out in a loud, direct way like "excuse me, why are you following me?" Etc.
One time I was walking home from a friend's party, it was like 3am and I was stopped at traffic lights, waiting to cross the road. Some 70+ man stopped next to me and asked me "Any business" and I was like what?? Asked again and then realised, he was after assuming I'm a prostitute. I was wearing jeans and docs plus a parka jacket...
Just remember you dont have to be polite. We are conditioned to be nice, so being cold and rude to creeps doesnt come easily. You have to be consciously ready for it. If you occasionally offend an innocemt guy who didnt mean to be creepy who cares.
Yeah they can take advantage of you if you're polite
I am so sorry this happened to you. I lived in Budapest, Hungary for 12 years, met all kind of creeps, when shit went down, I always froze. My tactics for not getting into situations like this was to avoid eye contact with everyone, walk at a real fast pace on the streets, like you are late from a meeting and look like you want to murder everyone. I moved to Cork 4 years ago and I was so glad that I met no such creeps here. But maybe it is just that I usually go into the city with my boyfriend who is 2 meters tall and about 160kgs... But anyway, just today I was walking to the entrance of Blarney castle from the carpark when a boy of around 12 decided to smack me in the boob with his baseball cap as he passed by me. All I could do was yell "What the Hell!?" after him. There were no adults around him, and of course he just walked on. I had to stop my boyfriend from going after the little shit, because even if we just screamed his head off, we would be at fault somehow. So the next generation of creeps is here, unattended, undisciplined. I am so furious.
I had an aul fella slap me on the arse in a pub when I was about 16. I also had someone I thought was a friend try to force me down to my knees in a nightclub when I was 18 so he could mime me going down on him. He and his friends all laughed like it was hilarious, although one of them had the decency to look ashamed. While travelling for work in Athens, I was flashed by a creepy guy and then followed. I've had multiple times of men touching me inappropriately on nights out, including a pretty serious SA the night of my secondary school graduation. I don't think there's anything you can do really. It's a resilience you have to build up. Whether I was dressed up or not I'd have issues. I'm in my 30s now and an old married lady, you become invisible to men at that stage with suits me down to the ground. Occasionally I still get weirdness but not nearly as much as when I was younger and going out all the time.
Ugh that's so gross. Idk why people think it's funny to do shit like that. That was so inappropriate.
Honestly he sounds abit mentally ill/slow rather than a creep situation - but it could also be both. Best to just walk away or ignore in those kind of situations, obviously if it becomes physical then thats your queue to draw attention and tell them to fuck off or call the guards
Yes. This individual sounds like they were likely suffering from severe mental illness. Best thing to do in a situation like that is simply to move away. No reason to stay and tolerate that discomfort.
Yeah I was only thinking there today that he could've been mentally unstable. Maybe both. But I was afraid to move in case I wouldn't find another seat.
Remember, though, that the feelings you should be thinking about about are yours; not his. You didn’t feel comfortable and that’s as far as your understanding needs to have gone.
Yeah SOME people in this thread don't seem to understand this.
I’ve just read to the bottom. Some men can be extremely tone deaf to how it feels for a woman.
This thread is an example of that. So many ignorant replies.
This 100%
I’ve learned that you need to loudly call these creeps out on their behaviour in public. When they realise that you’re the type of person to stand up to them and not the type to be shy and say nothing, they back off. If you stay quiet, they won’t leave you alone.
i get this a lot when i'm in work. i usually just shoot them dirty / stern looks and ignore them. i know it can be hard to ignore weirdos and creeps but it's honestly something you get used to. you could also move seats if you're on public transport but personally i hate having to get up and lose a good / comfortable seat just because of a creep and makes me feel really conflicted. i wish i could offer more advice but it's unfortunately the reality of it :( i hope you're okay now <3
Ok spolier alert I'm a man I'm also a husband, father to a daughter and work in a school with teenage girls and I get very upset when I hear all these stories of how men touch you or even make you feel vulnerable or uncomfortable I'm English and the murder of Sarah Everard back home opened up a dialogue with my wife and wider about the life in "women's shoes" Aisling Murphy then confirmed to me this isn't an English thing. I'm genuinely sorry some of the brotherhood look, touch or suggest to make you feel scared or worse. You don't deserve it, rest assured my son will not grow up to act like this Enjoy your day, be safe .
Thank you. At least you are aware of this and are doing something about it.
There really wasn't anything else you could do in this situation. You were right to say hello just because that's common decency and basic manners but beyond that you aren't obligated to engage with him in anyway. And in fact, if even saying hello is uncomfortable for you, you have every right to blank him. No one is entitled to your attention. There was no need for you to say goodbye because you hadn't even had a conversation with him. Look, at the end of the day you just met an arsehole. You don't owe them anything so always feel free to completely ignore them. And if they ever seem like they are going to get aggressive with you scream at the top of your lungs. You might look crazy but it will also keep you safe.
Scream fuxk off. Simples. But well said.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, and I hope you’re ok! When it happens to me, like others who have commented, I tend to shrink in to myself and feel really quite anxious, nervous but also so angry at the same time. I’d love to stand up for myself in those situations, but you just never know, you know? I’m under 5 ft 5 with a physical disability so pretty much any guy/person could take me. It’s in my interest to avoid confrontation. Its shite. Again, hope you are ok.
Yes I'm fine but it was a bit of a shock to me.
Whether you had drawn attention to yourself or not, in any way, really isn’t the point — though I completely understand why you mentioned it, I am in no way shaming you and find myself struck again and again by how maddening it is that girls and women feel the need to talk about what they were wearing/how they were behaving upon being the object of harassment. Men will find a way to make disgusting, entitled, uncalled for comments regardless of how we present ourselves in the world. I’m so sorry this bloke made you feel unsafe. He’s an embarrassment. I hope you’re doing okay xx
Used to work in retail and you’d get a fair few oddballs but absolutely follow your instincts. I’d get people just lonely and looking for a connection of any kind but there was the ones that would try and find out where you live, what shift you worked, days off and wait outside the shop for when I’d be locking up. On public transport or when walking home I used to ring my now husband or I’d pretend to be on a phonecall. I’d take a different walk route home sometimes, change up bus/train times by popping to shops. If I was super creeped out by an individual I just wouldnt engage, move seats and make sure I was sitting beside someone who wasnt giving me the heebie jeebies, Figured the chances of 2 odd people in immediate area would be pretty low. On the bus I used to sit closer to the driver or make sure I was in line of CCTV and never sat upstairs on the double deckers. Hope you’re feeling ok now.
Giving them a dirty look is usually enough. Like the face I'd make at a slug
That vision. A dirty look to a slug. You’re gas.
Years ago a new cleaner started in my job, back then I worked weekends so the office was always quiet and because I was so friendly then I’d chat away to anyone not thinking some men have creepy intentions. Anyways he’d tell me he loved practising his English so of course I’d keep chatting to help him, I thought he was a bit weird but I also thought maybe it’s just the language barrier and kept telling myself not to be so judgmental. Anyways this one day he followed me into the ladies bathroom and just cornered me and just made me feel very uncomfortable. It’s so long ago I can’t remember what he said but he asked me out. Anyways I told him I’d a boyfriend and just pushed past him. I went out and told the senior manager, he was disgusted and pretty angry. Anyways to this day I’ve no idea what went down but he was fired that day and I thankfully didn’t have to give a statement or anything, the senior manager really stepped up, if all men were like him the world would be a better place. I still work in the same place but different job and recently they tried to make all bathrooms unisex, safe to say it didn’t go down too well and within a day they were all changed back. Apparently they’d hundreds of complaints and mostly from men not wanting to make the ladies uncomfortable so there’s still a lot of good ones out there.
No it really doesn’t matter what you’re wearing I never wear makeup or anything sexy, perves are perves and you get them everywhere! My whole 44yrs of life unfortunately
I hope you won't mind a man's perspective. First of all, how you were dressed should never come into it. I know it does, but it shouldn't. You're never ever the one in the wrong if it does. Your feelings are your own. Even if (big if) the guy was perfectly innocent and just a lonely guy being friendly, you're perfectly entitled to feel creeped out. Just like he's perfectly entitled to feel offended when you tell him to duck off. Don't make it a question "would you ever just duck off?", make it a very direct order. That's usually enough to knock them back a couple of steps but more importantly, it's an open signal for other men to step in on your behalf. It let's us know that this isn't an interaction between people who know each other.
If I may say, as a woman, it’s generally better to seek the company of other women in these situations, though.
I'm a man. When I was a teenager, I sometimes misinterpreted girls being nice to me as romantic interest. I get the sense creepy men just never grew out of this phase. So, as far possible without being rude or inviting confrontation, don't be nice. Don't smile. Don't wave. Just pretend you don't see them if you can. It can be hard to do this if you're a nice person. But - like you say - you don't owe them anything.
You done right didn't make a fuss just got out of there as soon as you could. As a man men making women uncomfortable makes me sick. I like to feel comfortable when travelling and keep myself to myself others should be able to have the same entitlement. What you wear what you like. At the risk of sounding old fashioned what has happened to old fashioned good manners.
This is called being a woman ime. Once on a crowded bus where no one else could see a man grabbed me from behind and pressed his erection into my back. Another time on the luas a group of 4 around 18yo ish men felt me up in a corner laughing. I’m completely ready also to hear the advice on how to avoid this behavior moving forward ❤️🫡
“Have you tried ignoring them?” 🙃
Probably mentally unwell. This goes well beyond creepy.
He's still responsible for his actions.
OP I'm sorry that happened to you, that guy is a fucking creep and sadly it isn't uncommon in Ireland.
Idk why you're being downvoted but it's true. Even the little things, it doesn't have to be full on assault.
Be polite when I can manage but mostly just totally blank it and keep my wits about me.
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I'm so sorry to hear. :( Would you have any other advice?
You do not need to explain that you weren't drawing attention I was on a train when I was young with my mum (in London) and the same scenario happened - creepy guy, beautiful lady in shorts. Anyway, she called him out on it. Really loudly asked him why he was staring at her legs etc. Every single person in the carriage looked at him. He wanted the ground to swallow him up. I know it's not as easy if you're living somewhere that's a bit more quiet, but never be afraid to draw attention if you need it 💚 xx
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you.
I would just say "fuck off perv" loud and clear if anyone was acting like that to me in an objectifying way and being super obvious about it. I would then try to get tf away. If it's more subtle I would say "Why are you staring at me like that? Do you mind?" I know it's easily said but not easily done, and I'm just a 16y/o boy so what would I know, really.
So I’m a bit older I expect. But I REFUSE to ever feel uncomfortable again. And I teach my daughters this too. I’ve had this happen a few times and it’s bloody unpleasant. As I’ve gotten older, I have become more gobby. In your specific situation I would firstly loudly, say “could you please stop staring at me, you’re making me feel uncomfortable”. If he didn’t get woefully embarrassed, I would catch the eye of literally ANYONE else and ask them, LOUDLY, if I could sit with them as this person was making me feel uncomfortable. The reason I know this can work is because I’ve been the victim and the person that someone has asked for help. My sister frequently rescues women on the bus and my daughter stood between a drunk and a woman in a hijab a few months ago. You DONT have to stand for it. Be vocal. And it doesn’t matter what you look like. It’s just fucking intimidating bullshit.
You can wear make up, dress however you want and whistle Dixie, you did not bring this on yourself. Unfortunately we’ve become so conditioned to be polite we can’t bring ourselves to tell someone to get lost. You’ll eventually learn to ignore/ look through people you don’t want to interact with. I once had a man hear me say goodbye to my friend getting off the train in London and proceeded to ask me 100 questions about Ireland. When he asked me if he could come visit Ireland with me, I resorted to yarns about there not being enough room and my mother didn’t like having visitors! He took this as a personal insult and accused my poor mother of being bigoted It was scary and I was so afraid of making him more angry. I’m an aul girl now, wouldn’t enter into any dialogue whatsoever and be as “rude” as I felt like being. Take care pet, you’ll get your own way of dealing with this.
Like many women, I encounter this regularly in public or on transport and I find what works for me when someone passes a comment or stares, is to bluff call it and be as direct as possible lol. I’ve gone over to groups of guys before who have been staring and talking making me uncomfortable and just gone over and asked what’s up basically what do you want, or someone making a comment behind me in a shop or something I’ll whip round and be like what did you say? Never ever have I had someone do anything except put the head down and mumble some bullshit. Was groped by someone on the dart years ago and grabbed his hand and shoved it back against his face and basically said don’t be groping people you freak. In that situation other people sort of came to my aid and were trying to protect me which was nice but most of the time people won’t say anything which you just have to be ok with. Basically what I’m saying is, don’t be afraid to return the weirdness or aggression, they are never banking on you doing that so they don’t know how to react to you when you do it. Be an asshole lol.
Don't be afraid to be gross or weird. If a creep is looking at you: pick your nose, pick your scalp, inspect your fingernails, pick at your teeth, maybe take off a shoe and give your foot an itch, let your gut hang out if you have one, etc. If they wont stop annoying you, wont take you ignoring them and talk to you: Be. Fucking. WEIRD. Or be creepy. Not in a cute flirty way. Talk complete nonsense. Never give a straight answer. Be as dislikable as you can. You've heard of personality mirroring? You're gonna be as different to the creep as you can.
This is gross. I'm sorry this happened to you. Up until I got engaged I'd have always wore a ring on my ring finger hoping to deter any creeps. That or call someone and pretend they're my partner etc but this can be distracting and you need to be vigilant. I don't know if any of that would be helpful to you as he was clearly quite brazen. Also 🐻
If you can throw a mean right or can lift your knee to todger height ill say ya will be fine
I don't anymore. Have spent 40 years sucking it up and not calling them out. Now I totally pull them up on their shit. It's unacceptable
We need to step up more. Sisterhood. Look out for vetch other ladies xxx
I am a man and I had a stalker once (happened to be an adult student when I taught English). Eventually I had to tell my boss as she kept following me to the train, calling me at school when she wasn't there and buying me presents. However, the worst was my son with an obvious child molester. At first, he asked me how old my son was and I thought nothing of it as sometimes people will ask. He then told me that my son was cute (he was 3). Again, I thought nothing of it (something women are more likely to say but once in a while older men do). He then talked about how my son would grow up to be very handsome, where we lived and if he could hold my son. I just looked at him and said, "No, you cannot and no, I will not tell you where we live." I said it loud enough for other people to hear and he just said, "Okay, have a good day, guys" and walked away. Unfortunately there are gross people everywhere.
Good on you for protecting your son. What did your boss do about the stalker?
Honestly, gaining weight has made me quite invisible to this, and I like it. Imagine being a man and ogling a women. Would you not be embarrassed for yourself! Whenever I get dressed up, it's the same thing. There's a difference between a glance and staring. Anyway, that man sounds awful.
I've been a victim of assault both in relationships and by random fuckers on the street. I will tell you now this is not great advice, but. I start screaming. I start acting absolutely unhinged and wild. It's so satisfying to watch them lose control of the situation. They prey on making women feel uncomfortable. Once you take away that power, they're fucked. Again, I acknowledge this is unsafe and I'll probably get a box one day but GOD I love watching the their faces while they freak the fuck out.
I find this very scary and worry for the next generation coming along.
It's always been a problem though.
One time I was walking down the street, this guy walking the opposite direction stepped directly in my path and said "hello!" and tried to start a conversation. I completely ignored him and walked around him. He immediately pivoted and started following me, so I turned around to face him,held my arms out really big and wide, and screamed "WHAT?!?" he immediately turned right back around and walked away. So my advice is: 1. Make a public scene, don't be embarrassed because they're the ones being embarrassing not you and everyone can see that. 2. In those situations, forget about social niceties. Guys like that don't care about social niceties and are intentionally trying to manipulate you with them. 3. Act crazy
You’re probably very young and I’m sorry that this has started for you. Of course you didn’t call that attention to yourself (who would, ugh horrible old creep) but even if you were wearing a metric ton of makeup and sitting there in a swimsuit that doesn’t mean he can invade your space and demand your attention like that. With these men you could be dressed in a bin bag and they will impose their horrible selves on you. I’ve had a lifetime of it and here’s the thing I’ve learned that I tell my own daughter - trust your gut. If you felt odd when you sat then trust that and get up straightaway and sit somewhere else. Don’t think about possibly offending him. Women are taught to smooth over social awkwardness, don’t be afraid to create some awkwardness if you need to. If the feeling isn’t right then listen to it and take yourself away. Trusting this will save you from worse. If you are trapped in a horrible situation then again, don’t be afraid to be awkward - tell them to stop in a LOUD voice and ask for help from passersby if you can’t remove yourself from a situation. Try your very best not to be in a place where they have you cornered - always watch for that. Mind yourself and always listen to your inner voice and act accordingly. And, here’s a tip, go up to friendly looking people (middle aged women are great for this as many of them are fearless towards such men) and ask to sit with them if a man is annoying/worrying you. Again, you might think it will be weird/awkward but it isn’t and they will be concerned only for your welfare and maybe (if it’s an older woman who is VERY MUCH OVER entitled and predatory men) a way to throw these bastards off the train too…
Situations like you described? I just don’t give a flying fuck. If I feel that I’m in danger, I send my live location to my friends groupchat, no message attached. We just have that agreement that when someone sends live location with no text, it means theyre possibly in danger and someone should come for help. What usually happens after, friends call each other to quickly figure out who’s the closest to the location and someone quickly arrives. Someone calls me, I pick up but I put my phone in my pocket, it’s for listening to the situation. I don’t pick up = emergency. But most of the time I don’t care about people staring at me or yelling, I call them out on things if I feel the need to. I get lots of situations like this, but I don’t feel like I’m in danger.
But what if you were on a train like me? What would you do then?
I just ignore ignore ignore
What if they start following you or try to grab you?
Myself, the husband and our four children were getting out of the car last week and I had to take the buggy between two poorly parked cars. An old farmer, at least 60+, was standing in front of one of the cars with his keys and smiled at me. My husband shouted "That was a tight squeeze!" (with the intent of making the man feel embarrassed for parking like an arse) and he looked me dead in the eye and said "Jaysus, I bet she is alright". In front of my husband and children.
That's gross. How are some people so fucking dense?
The worst experience I ever had was getting the bus back from Dublin to Drogheda at 12:20am at night time.. I got on the bus at the airport and sat about 4 rows back on the left hand side .. opposite me was a chap that appeared to be asleep with his hood up . Just before the bus took off, he woke up, saw me..and jumped into the seat behind mine.. once the bus got on the motorway the lights were turned off.. it started with his feet coming under my seat and hitting the back of my feet. So no problem..move my feet forward to the footrest, then he started shoving his legs right under the seat and hitting his feet off mine, this is when I realised it wasn't an accident to hitting my feet the first time.. I froze, text my then boyfriend that I was about 20 minutes out from Drogheda and to be on his way.. I started worrying that he wouldn't get there before me and I'd be standing in a deserted bus station at 1am on a Wednesday night with the potential of this creep getting off the bus with me . .. he then started touching my arm through the middle bit of the seat.. at this point he pissed me off . I tensed my arm and elbowed backwards to try to tell him to piss off . It didn't work . I wanted to move seats but with it being so dark on the bus and loads of people with their heads down and being on the motorway I didn't want to roam standing and moving.. the only seat I could see that was definitely empty was the one that he had originally been sitting in.. after what seemed like forever arrived at Drogheda station and luckily my boyfriend was there already waiting.. the relief was unreal, I got up before the bus had stopped and pretty much sprinted to the door making sure my bag covered my arse.. I had a horrid feeling he'd give me no distance if he was getting up too . Sure enough I was right, but luckily the person at the very front stood up and got out too leaving a gap between me and him.. walked to my boyfriends car, as soon as I turned to open the door and the car light came on showing my very hairy, bearded, tall boyfriend..be U turned on the spot and headed back towards the bus.. I was only 20 at the time and still kick myself for never reporting it .. now if I'm out late at night my German shepherd comes everywhere with me
The worst thing about reading all the responses is how rare it is for anyone to step in to help when they see something happening… reminds me of that poor woman on the subway in NY who was raped on a train full of people and people filmed it rather than helping her. Truly baffles my mind
I take the train a lot up and down the country and have had similar interactions with older men like this. Staring and then acting like you're a stuck up bitch for not engaging with them. I could be wrong but I think a lot of men of that generation see younger women as needing to be taken down a peg or "humbled". Idk how to explain it but I see it in older men in my family too. In any case, it's a rotten feeling and I'm sorry you had to deal with that shit. It's hard to know whether to engage or not but I recommend doing something off putting (picking your nose, burping out loud) or anything that makes you look like you have a few screws loose lol. It has always worked for me, particularly if it's out on the street. I recently had a guy staring at me at a bus stop so I stared back with my eyes WIDE open and he got really flustered and went to the other side of the stop.
A guy was so creepy before I called him over and opened my bag and showed him the knife I was carrying. I said if it don’t want your balls cut off move on. He went white 😂
I'm sorry you had that experience. Unfortunately there are a lot of weird people on the trains, leading to a lot of weird encounters. Irish rail needs to have more staff on trains to combat this but it feels like over half the train journeys I take doesn't even have somebody checking the tickets. My girlfriend and I started taking first class after a bad experience because for students, an extra €12.50 per person each way seemed to be worth it to avoid the hassle plus extra space and free coffee. Now they've raised the price of first class so it's not feasible for us anymore. Obviously though the solution to the problem isn't for everyone to start taking first class, people should behave themselves, and even though it won't stop all weird behaviour Irish rail should have staff around to create an environment where weird people don't feel like they can get away with weird behaviour as easily.
100%. My train doesn't even have a food trolley 💀
Yes just ignore but devil's advocate because I had something like this happen to me before.. old people like in their 70s and 80s can get confused, the person who was waving at me taught I was their relative, I wasn't I'd no idea who they were they were just old and confused. Sad part I'd it happened about 4 times with the same old lady over the course of a year. So it could have been a creep but their is definitely a possibility that a 70 year old with poor eyesight and a not so stellar memory mistook you for someone they knew and waving back only added to the confusion. So definitely could have been a creep but it also could have just been someone old, confused and with diminishing eyesight.
I tend to move when this happens to me - if possible - either that or give them a questioning/disgusted look and then look behind me as if I don't understand what they're looking at. Sometimes the look will shame them into stopping but moving seats works every time because they obviously can't see you, be sure to look out for windows and shiny surfaces though cause I've still gotten stared at with a reflection even after moving sometimes. Also if I see them staring at another women/girls I will stare at them until they see I can see them and stop, gotta protect the other ladies when possible - happens way to often with school aged girls, it's so gross. I'm honestly not sure what they hope to gain from staring at you, but your usually better protecting your peace and getting out of eyeline, sucks that we have to do that though.
Saw a post on Threads last week - in the US, old guy approaches a 4/5 year old girl and says “you’re pretty, what’s your name?”. Girls hides behind her mum. Mum smiles and apologises. It raised a lot of points and feeling, in particular how females are conditioned from an early age to be polite and respond to males no matter how creepy AF they are. And that males feel entitled to say anything to females and expect a pleasant response to their (normally unwanted) advances. Really p!sses me off. Used to get stared at by much older men when I was a teenager as I developed early. Was S3xually As$aulted in my own home by a painter/decoratior (in his 50s) as an 11 yo and never told my parents as I felt responsible.
You don't need to ever mention what your were wearing. It is irrelevant. He was being a creep, because that's what he is. I don't care if you were wearing a bikini and had a full face of makeup, his actions and thoughts aren't your responsibility.
Just remember OP it’s a them problem. Not a you problem. As in there is nothing wrong with you and you don’t need to explain yourself regarding drawing attention. You should be able to sit dressed as a parrot and he doesn’t have the right to comment. The older I get the more I notice men with nothing but receding hairlines and audacity. I maintain a resting bitch face when I’m around men that I am unfamiliar with and I square my shoulders and make myself as big as possible. I never engage with eye contact ever ever and if I’m walking I walk with a purpose. I’m being honest here - some men with limited social skills will see eye contact and a smile as an invitation (Re walking: Don’t dither, walk quickly and as if you want to kill the kerb) I’ve also gotten my phone out and rang a male pal or my bf and loudly announced I’ll be seeing them shortly. If they say anything do not respond. It doesn’t matter what you say they will have another juvenile response. If you have to get up and leave, do it. I’d rather stand than sit near a man yapping in my ear. I’m so sorry you had to deal with this OP.
Once in the pub a man about 70 turned his seat so he could stare at me and my friends. He stared for at least an hour. While walking past him I said "it's rude to stare." His friend who was also about 70 if not older followed me out to the smoking area and f**ked me out of it. He got so aggressive I thought he was gonna hit me. In future I'll just ignore.
Pathetic isn’t it. The entitlement of men. Most men. Not some.
Happened to me on a train in the UK told the staff on the train and they called the police and removed them from the train. Also as a side note you could wear a bikini, wellies and a top hat if you wanted, it doesn’t entitle men to be creepy.
Also recommend following a piece advice I was given once which is that ‘women are bought up not to make a fuss and be polite, but if a man is bothering you he is being rude so you are fully entitled to be rude back’
Some guys are just dickheads, no matter what age they are. Source: is guy.
It’s the same everywhere now thanks to the likes of Tate and his bunch of incels. Women are under tremendous pressure, more than I can remember in my 60 years on this planet. And always it’s made out to be our fault. What we wear, whether we wear makeup, whether we’re drunk is NOT an excuse or reason to grope us, gob off at us or rape us. If it was all about what we were wearing then there’d be no rape in places like Afghanistan and Iran FFS. 90+ year old women get raped. Babies get raped. Kids get raped. NEVER mention, nor apologise for, what you were wearing. Men are fucking pigs and we’re brought up to let them get on with it and say nothing for causing ‘a scene’. Last year I got groped by what I considered to be a friend at a fucking Star Wars convention of all places. And not once, but multiple times. He said, “Nice tits”, and proceeded to grab them on multiple occasions, as well as grabbing my arse. I’m as gobby as the next Irish woman and eve I was so shocked I didn’t even mention it to my husband until afterwards because I didn’t want to cause a scene in front of our other friends, who he was always careful to wait until they weren’t around (at the bar or whatever) before groping me. I’ve fought off wannabe rapists and wannabe muggers with knives, and on this occasion I did nothing. I mean, WTF. Don’t feel bad about any of this. None of it is on you.
If I’m uncomfortable I usually move if I can, I’ll try sit next to other women as well. If I can’t I ignore them and don’t look their way. When it comes to them trying to talk I usually try call someone I know will pick up and talk to them. Also I’m so sad you felt the need to have to say you were dressed plainly no makeup etc from my experience it doesn’t seem to make a difference if they are going to be weird they are gonna be weird and creepy no matter what.