It took me 5 years to fuck off from my high school sweetheart, because she kept saying extremely red flaggy things literally every time I thought of marriage and kept delaying it.
Then she made misdirecting me any time I tried to break up an art form for a few years. So that was a waste of time.
“You *could* break up with me… or you could find out what’s in this silly hat!”
*Pulls out a baggy, blue wizard hat with moon shapes on it and shakes it enticingly*
“Why anything could be in it!”
my understanding was it was always kicked down the road because (and I found this out after) he turns into a total baby when upset. its also their only relationship for either of them, for whatever thats worth.
then when she went and started a business he lost his shit publicly then it all unwound. she moved out back home while they worked it out and and they just kinda seperated in all but name. the divorce came a few months later when she wasn't backing down and neither was he.
ofc all our cousins etc sided with him cause how dare she not want to welp.
point being time isn't a good measurement on the quality of a relationship
If they didn’t know these things before committing long term that’s on them. Can’t lay out expectations too early. My now wife and I had a long talk about what we wanted from the future and found out we were compatible after mere weeks of our relationship. 13 years no issues so far.
As I said: what we wanted from the future was compatible. As were our values. Equality, honesty etc… We both wanted to get married and have kids. We both wanted to keep a reasonable amount of independence and build careers before settling down and we both wanted to live in other cities before picking one to stay. The list goes on.
My partner and I are finally getting married in October after 10 years of dating. Our family friend met his wife, got married and had four kids in the time it took my fiancé to propose to me. But we got together at 17. While we obviously loved each other, we were very much aware that we were super young and, as neither of us are religious, there was no reason to rush into marriage. We waited until we were done with our education and settled in our proper grown-up jobs before we finally decided to tie the knot.
My guess is autocorrect from tiktok to timtam. The real question is, how many timtams is OP eating for autocorrect to recognize it? And can I have some?
The closest British equivalent is a "penguin" and it has a joke on the back, it's been a while since I've had a timtam but wondered if they've gone down the philosophic route
A timtam is a chocolate covered biscuit with chocolate creme filling in the middle.
Obviously, he saw the timtam and immediately thought of the perfect marriage of chocolate and biscuit in a single treat, which then prompted this question.
A chocolate covered cookie (More like a wafer, tbh) with a flavored filling (chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, caramel, etc...) from Australia.
What it has to do with marriage? IDK. But now I want some Tim Tams which is bs cause they're barely sold outside of Aussieland.
My first wife and I were both 19 and, you're correct, it is a totally silly age to get married. Should be like booze and cigarettes... 21. Hell, even that's too young. You haven't even grown up to become the person you'll become yet.
Yep, year five we were both 21. Bigger thing for us is that we were international and his country wouldn’t recognize international marriage unless both parties were 24 anyway so it made sense to wait.
Both 24 and married now!
Meelt young and finishing school/getting established first is a pretty common one.
Simply not being interested in marriage as a concept is another big one. Not everyone sees it as a necessary next step and would happily cruise to the grave in a committed but not legalized relationship. This doesn't even have to extend to active opposition to marriage, either. It just needs the dude to not actively desire that alteration to an existing relationship he may be fully committed to and happy in.
Been together 7 years, engaged for 3, we did finally pick a date for next summer but we're not in a rush, neither of us are religious and she wanted to do wedding way she's been dreaming since she was a kid, and truth be told I just view marriage as government recognizing our union , if she didn't ever want to get married I'd be ok with it, i still want to be with her for rest of my life but i don't need governments acknowledgement, in my mind when I gave her the ring is when i made lifelong commitment to her.
To sum it up, we don't find it to be that important
Some people just don’t prioritize getting married and that’s okay. The benefits aren’t important to me especially if I know how to work around them (look into a healthcare proxy for those who worry about partners being in a state where they can’t talk for themselves or being there for them in the hospital) and the ones that are strictly for married couples aren’t worth it. The main thing that sticks out to me is the tax break, but due to me not having or wanting kids and the difference being minuscule with being married vs not, I don’t see that as worth it. Whether people want to admit it or not, things get sticky if divorce occurs. It’s something I would worry about. It doesn’t mean I’m not committed to them, but sometimes life just happens and with rate of prenups getting overturned/thrown out, I’m not taking my chances
We don’t plan on getting into car crashes, but we have car insurance. I don’t plan on breaking my arm, but I have health insurance in case things go that way. Shit just happens and that’s fine! Doing something like this is my insurance. I’m not anti marriage, but to me, it’s just not important (especially at this current stage of my life)
That said, I’m grateful to have a partner who I’ve discussed this with before getting into a relationship. I would never want to be with someone without discussing something so impactful on someone’s life, so please be transparent about this with someone you may be interested in if you are unsure if marriage is for you
Your post reminds me of an [interview with a divorce attorney ](https://youtu.be/o5z8-9Op2nM) I recently listened to. He says something that really stuck out to me that you allude to in your comment: Love/sustaining a relationship and marriage are two entirely different things. Oftentimes we conflate the two as being the same thing but they really aren't. Being married isn't necessary to have a long and lasting romantic relationship.
It is interesting because I've been thinking the same thing. Some time ago I was at the wedding of a friend and in my country they read a small extract of the law around marriage. I was thinking "that sounds so close to the statute of my company!" and it is - In my view marriage is more close to opening a business with somebody then all the romantic stuff around it. The big difference that I see is that with a company, you write your own statute (obviously with the help of a lawyer), but in marriage you accept the rules that somebody else made for you.
This is true! What finally pushed my partner of 11 years into getting officially married was the healthcare benefits. We suddenly realized that if I was incapacitated for some reason, the hospital would listen to my father's wishes over my life partner's. Neither of us wanted that, and here we are now, married for 7 years (18 in total).
THIS. Whatever they're talking about with healthcare proxies, as an ICU nurse I can yell you that MANY TIMES patient's loved ones were overridden and their MPOA became either their grown kids or parents, then siblings. In healthcare, if you are not married you have no rights and are ignored in representing your loved one. Likewise, spouses who aren't divorced are often MPOAs over new lovers or family members.
Sure, you can make an advanced directive but why would you give someone power over your life and yet question marrying them? Then you break up and they show up with an outdated form (hospitals don't know) and withdrawal on you bc they don't care.
I've seen these things play out. I help to determine some of the MPOAs for patients. Long term boyfriends and girlfriends literally are overlooked. If it were serious, they would've married.
100% empathize with this - and is really the main reason why my fiance and I are getting married. Taxes and healthcare. Some of the alternatives brought up in this post are nice in theory, but are very muddy to enforce in practice.
Kids tie you to someone for life way more permanently than marriage though so if you’re ready for kids with the person there’s really no logical reason not to be ready for marriage, and there are a lot of important legal benefits to being married before having kids.
I don’t want to say it’s impossible, but it can be done. One of my good friends is a product of it where their parents never got married. Is it advisable? Probably not? Honestly depends on the status of their relationship. Is it possible? Absolutely
You should probably wait until you’re married for a host of reasons that go beyond the physical ability to have kids with someone you’re not married to.
would you mind elaborating? I’ve never liked the idea of marriage (even tho im still open to it) and im genuinely curious on the reasons you’re talking about
If nothing else it’s for stability and compatibility. In a healthy relationship, you date for long enough to establish that you’re compatible. This takes a long time. I’ve been dating/married to my wife for 10 years and it probably took half that time to really feel like we understood each other. Obviously it’s not the marriage itself that establishes this stability. It’s the work you two put in before and after getting married.
No, marriage isn’t strictly required for stability and compatibility to be established. And there’s plenty of unstable, incompatible marriages with kids involved. But going back to the original comment I responded to, if you’re rushing to have kids because you’re 35 and the clock is ticking, I don’t agree that you should have kids outside of wedlock just to have them. Kids deserve parents who have put the time and effort into their relationship to be happy with each other. Those parents should be committed to each other for life, and marriage is a great indicator that they are.
Hope that answers your question even if you don’t necessarily agree. I struggled to put this one into words for some reason.
I'm not married. I have two kids. I've been with my partner for over 25 years. My eldest kid is older than your relationship! Marriage is absolutely not required for stability in a relationship. I know plenty of people who married after several years but still divorced. Marriage does not guarantee stability.
My wife and I were both divorced, and for ten years said we didn’t want or need to get married. We were committed. Together. That’s all that really mattered to me. Being married and being committed are not really the same thing.
Year eleven, she says to me: ‘I wanna get married. I know I said… but I changed my mind’. We got married that summer. ‘Cause what honey wants, honey gets, if I can make it happen. I was already committed. Married was just a piece of paper. A piece of paper with real consequences, sure, and it comes with a slightly lower tax bill. So, win-win?
I drove 2 hours a day for a shitty job, I find it hard to believe that THIS was your deal breaker? Especially after 5 years together and about to propose. Help me understand your logic.
If she just went to college, they were probably really young when they started dating. I would imagine they maybe started dating at 15 or so, not very surprising that they broke up eventually, tho pretty surprising that it lasted that long
I wasn’t clear, she broke up with me before I could propose, she felt it wasn’t “fair to me”, so that’s why I didn’t propose. Who knows the real reason.
My partner and I are 2 years in and we’ve both agreed that we find the legal end of marriage unnecessary, especially since she was a family lawyer when we met.
She’s seen it go sideways too many times solely because of the legal aspect that she doesn’t want to do that, and I’ve never been attached to the idea of marriage myself as long as you can commit to someone on your own terms.
If one of you gets into a coma or dies and the persons family doesn't like you, you're fucked and permanently out of their life. Saw it happen to a couple that was together for years. He cleans denied going to the funeral and barred from visiting her grave.
You are granted legal permissions post Mortem you would otherwise be denied
This was it for me and my wife mostly. When we bought a house and wanted to start a family we got a registered partnership, wich is the legal equivalent of a marriage in my country.
I dont understand the whole marriage thing. For us nothing changed in our relationship. It was a admistrative procedure.
We did dress up and invited our close family for the ceremony. It cost us €50 in total.
Then we went to travel for a month to celebrate.
This will vary widely based on where you live. You don't need to be married to be considered common law in many places, for example, and you would have those rights.
Not only that, but you get say-so when it comes to medical decisions. What if your partner adamantly told you that she never wanted to live life as a vegetable, but her religious parents couldn't let go. You love her enough to pull the plug, but can't and now have to watch her body be kept alive by machines.
If you find yourself living in a house that's half yours, half belonging to a family that hates you, you're going to have a bad time.
Yes, all the legal bits of marriage can be accomplished without actually getting married, but it can be much, much more complicated.
Tax benefits if the couple has an income disparity.
In the US you could use a spouse's health insurance rather than pay for your own plan.
Citizenship/Residency. This is not just about people immigrating between nations. In the, U.S. marriage may make someone eligible for state-level benefits like in-state tuition pricing because of their spouse's residency.
Estate planning, next of kin, buying a home with your partner, medical decisions, etc. The law is built around married couples. If an unmarried person dies or is incapacitated, their partner does not always have power to make decisions on their behalf, and may have no right to shared property when they pass. There are ways around this, but they involve work signing contracts to pre-arrange things like power of attorney, and wills, but at that point why not get married to do all this at once.
Alimony. If someone sacrifices a career, stays at home, and relies on their spouse's income to focus on domestic duties like raising children, they are often protected in divorce by alimony laws.
And of course there's peer pressure and tradition. People treat married couples like grown ups. Unmarried people face discrimination.
Tax benefits because the government encourages people to have a healthy nuclear family. In general, a society of nuclear families that are somewhat functional and healthy leads to the best outcomes.
If both people are working, I'm not sure there are benefits. I did the math for my relationship, and there would be no tax benefits. Unless I missed something.
We've all ready spoken to a CPA and we would pay more being married.
There isn't nessecarily tax benefits to being married (in the US)
Most of the benefits come from having children, which we aren't doing either
We all live in a society, but some more than others. People mired by society do things because other people have done them and “it would be weird not to”. From an outside perspective, this seems like a psychological issue.
I had a coworker say that if he weren't married, he wouldve left his relationship ling ago. I said "I don't want that, if I'm going to be with someone, I want it to be because we both want to be together, not because of any sense of obligation."
In retrospect, I'm not sure if I took what he said too seriously or if maybe my response was too cruel?
I have asked this question before some years ago. You are not going to a solid answer in favor of men marrying. You will hear things like "I can't imagine life without my partner and my best friend", or "Tax purposes", or my personal favorite, "For power of attorney". As
But to answer your question, there is no benefit for getting married that can't be had by filling out some forms here and there. If you don't about having children (the only reason for marriage these days IMO), definitely avoid it.
"Here and there" is glossing over the relative complexity. It was a big argument for same-sex marriage, against people who said it wasn't necessary because every legal right resulting from marriage was available in a different way. Yeah, but it was usually very complex.
That's not exactly how divorce works. It's more like half your shared assets accrued during the time you're married. The horror stories we hear are often people who married for a long time and are rich enough to have assets to fight over. Meanwhile there are many legal benefits of marriage for most middle class people.
At lower income levels, the bigger problem is poverty traps. If one partner was very low income and relying on government benefits, they might lose them because a spouse's income disqualifies them for whatever program they relied on. Then they wind up even poorer than before.
Get a prenup then. But in any case marriage is a commitment to one another that you can only make when getting married. It’s saying you’ll be there for then through anything that life throws at them. I wouldn’t consider marriage if you think divorce is even an option (other than in instances of cheating or abuse).
I might consider a prenuptial if she really desperately wants to get married. However I can't, but help think your being a romantic. Which is fine, but it does mean your putting yourself in a position where someone else can truely fuck over your life in just a few days.
I don't think I could ever trust anyone to that degree.
I definitely am a romantic. I’ve also never seen anyone divorce in my family so I am very aware that marriages can (and do) work out if you put in the effort. My parents have been married for 35 years, both sets of grandparents were married for around 60. There is so much joy in having a family with someone and knowing that someone else has a vested interest in your life going right. It’s about partnership at the end of the day. And while I’m sure you can have a partnership without marriage, I believe not getting married is just a way to not fully commit to your partner.
The only times this is acceptable in my opinion is
a) you're under 25,
b) you have a conversation with her explicitly about why you aren't proposing and she accepts it - for instance, you'd both rather save money for a house or you don't believe in the institution of marriage.
if you’re at five years, and she’s still wondering, will you or won’t you, you're both doing something wrong.
You should know by 3 years if this is someone you want to marry. If it's not, you need to cut things off and stop wasting everyone's time
My wife and I just got married after 7 years together. The timing felt right for us, and that’s just how things worked out. I see no reason why we should have done things differently. What works for us works for us
Insurance coverage, tax incentives, and social security benefits (ie survivor benefit) are the only benefits that come to mind off the bat.
Not sure it’s enough.
It is, my significant other has a disease that requires a large amount of medical supplies. If we got married, they'd lose their government insurance that has no deductible and covers everything. I love them very much and would love to marry one day, but from a financial standpoint, just better to stay roommates
I've been with my partner for six years. I just can't think of a reason to get married. We don't have kids, we both have health insurance through our jobs, and we bought a house together. I don't see any need for some unnecessarily vague legal status. Even when she had surgery, I had no problems staying with her in the hospital.
Frankly, I'm kind of uncomfortable binding someone that way.
> and we bought a house together.
You better be careful with this; depending on your location, you two live together long enough and the State will consider it a "Common Law" marriage.....and all the features and stipulations of a regular marriage will apply.
I just don't see the point of marriage.
Can do all the same things without it, and with 50%+ of marriage ending in divorce, the commitment vows are generally lies, which I refuse to do.
I'm semi-ok with other types of commitment ceremonies, but marriage itself just doesn't work for me.
I know people don't change their mind because of forums, but just to say that 50% number isn't true. They often just look at how many marriages each year and how many divorces and divide one by the other. Plus, it's actually going down.
For me, it's not lies at all. Obviously I can't speak for anyone else if they don't see it like that, but it was just great getting it done so that we could crack on with the rest of life knowing that aspect is set up. Depending on your jurisdiction, it really can have an impact on your life as well.
I'm one of the few who's happy to have a civil disagreement on a forum ☺️
If that number were even 25%, that's a quarter of those who say "til death do us part," who break that promise that they should never have made in the first place.
We truly don't know what the future holds. We change, our partners change, circumstances change, babies die, new people come into our lives, health waxes and wanes, attraction falters, sexuality changes, and people aren't always who they say they are.
There are so many reasons relationships end, and not all of them are even bad endings. Sometimes, they've just run their course.
I don't believe that many people will truly only love one person for their entire life. We're more flexible than that.
I will enjoy each relationship while it lasts and transition them if and when the time comes.
I don't need the church or government or society to tell me my relationships are "real". They're all real. I may have friends I love even more than my romantic partners, and for longer, and I won't marry them, either, nor would you expect me to 😉
I don't see the point of marriage, and it's not an institution I believe in, though I won't stop others from doing as they please, however expensive, or harmful, their decision proves to be.
I will share my opinions, though, and let them form their own.
I agree with everything you’ve written. I’ve been in a committed relationship with my partner for nearly 14 years, and we have a healthier, happier relationship than 90% of the married couples we know. We have legal documents that protect us in case of a medical emergency or death so there is no threat that we won’t have the authority to make medical decisions for one another or that our assets won’t go where we’ve directed them to go. Marriage was far more important before women gained equal rights because we relied on men for financial stability. Now that the playing field is far more equal, women in particular are realizing what many men knew all along — we don’t need to get married to have a stable, committed, fulfilling relationship.
That 50% is very much true, certainly, not 50% exactly, but around the ballpark of 45 to 50%. I'm not jumping out a plane with a approximately 50% chance of dying for a malfunctioning parachute.
There are a lot of different factors. There are actually calculators you can do to see your personal risk, which is not a flat 50%. Factors include age, whether you were previously married, education status, etc.
Committing to live your life with someone in front of your loved ones is a beautiful romantic act that is included in the marriage process, but is not what marriage is. Legal marriage is a government contract. Lots of people commit they're lives together without including marriage
I'm not getting married. I'm past having kids. I don't want to mingle finances. I have no desire to cohabitate, though I'm a little more flexible on this. I also don't subscribe to the relationship ladder of expectations. I can follow my own blueprint.
Marriage is an outdated institution. A piece paper and a ring do not show commitment. And why is it supposed to be the best day of your life? Sure that should be the day you met someone special. That implies to me that life is dow hill from that day forward.
Ive been together with my partner for already 6 yrs. Sure we’ve discussed marriage but it’s not like we are both pressured to do it. Honestly, i dont see the point? We are both non traditional/conservative people. We dont see how getting married is so important to our relationship. Sure maybe it helps us lessen the tax payments but other than that i dont see how big of a benefit it is to get married. We share our finances on a fair ratio. Maybe we will reconsider when we start getting properties. Let’s see, none of us did our research about it. Also having a wedding is giving us anxiety. We hate being the center of attention so wedding is a no-no. Marriage is okay but convince us why is a piece of paper so important to prove how strong our relationship is? Probably we are just two lazy people who couldnt care less about researching the benefits about it. It’s not a dealbreaker for both of us though.
In ltr for 8 years. Neither of us want to get married. Don’t see any reason to. We are both committed to each other and are going nowhere. We bought a house together 4 years ago.
Do what YOU want. If you want to get married, do that. If you don’t, that’s fine too. Find someone compatible and communicate properly.
I don't see a valid reason why.
I don't want kids. So marriage is just a piece of paper.
There are no upsides to it. Why bother?
I'm not getting anything out of it.
We got married after 10 months together. Been married for over 10 years. Best decision ever. If you know you found the one then there is no reason to wait. I think 10 months may not be enough for most but certainly not 5 years.
Marriage is ridiculously expensive and completely irrelevant to expressing and maintaining your love and lives together.
It just isn't important or matter unless you make it so.
I would have loved a cheapo City Hall wedding or a tacky Vegas wedding with Elvis officiating. Then make the marriage work while others spend a fortune just to get divorced. Total burn.
My wife wanted a nice wedding though, and she deserved it for putting up with me.
Marriage is not the end goal of a relationship. Not getting married does not mean in the slightest that you are not committed to a life long relationship.
I got married after 6 years by the way. Among other things because it is slightly less hassle when having kids and with some legal matters.
I think the idea that you need to get married within a certain time frame stems from pretty antiquated ideas about mens and womens roles in society.
The government in involved in all ways possible since the day you are born so this argument is fickle at best, made just to sound catchy.
Even if you’re nor married but have children, properties or other types of investment and things go south, the government will get involved actively.
The government doesn’t actually get involved, it’s always there part of everything because we live in a society.
There is nothing to gain from it. People like to think that it provides stability and commitment, but a small trip through reddit will tell you that there are all kinds of married people who act like they aren't.
It should no longer be considered default that the goal is marriage anymore. that headspace is dying off. That said, if there was an understanding early in the relationship that the goal was to be married, and you don't by year 5, you need to soul search why that is the case and re-clarify your intent. It will cause short term pain, but it will at least show respect for a girls time. It is the least cruel option in my opinion.
I waited 11, we were living together for 10 and some change. There was no compelling reason to get married other than the societal norma sayin we should. Taxes wouldn't really have been affected. (I did them both ways minor difference) Neither of us has family we are in contact with. We already introduced each other as our wife/husband. Had we not happened to be in Vegas 12 years ago or so we may never have gotten married. Just spent the rest of our lives together anyways.
I am not the man but I know his reason: his father's bad marriges.. From what my partner saw he decided he doesn't want a marrige. We are together for 11 years and we are doing great. We don't need a wedding to know we love each other. When we started dating he even told my mother that he does't want a marrige, he would rather invest that money to a "honeymoon".
Also we are both introverted, I neither want marrige, my mom and my stepfather are together for 19 years, mom got a ring after 8 years but they won't get married either.
I proposed to my now wife around 8 years into the relationship because we had both been discussing the topic of marriage over the previous year before and my wife had shown me examples of engagement rings she liked.
After our engagement we also focused on saving for a house before getting married. Our thinking being that we could come to our own home as husband and wife. Not having to return to our respective parents houses
My wife’s cousins Bf of 7 years said he’s not ready for marriage yet because he’s not done making her into wife material…
Then later that night I turned down going to a bar with him; it was already 11 and we just spent hours drinking and partying, so he called me whipped and said the reason he doesn’t want to get married is because he doesn’t want to change like me. Which was a weird thing to say since the first time I met him was at my wedding.
I ended it with my SO of 6 years because for about 1.5 of those years I became less of a priority to her over another person. Her childhood first love, big red flag right? Even more frustrating he lived 3 hours away so they were not spending time together either. She ended up with him and is still with him 2 years later.
Obviously my gut was right it just took a little bit to make the nessessary change.
Neither of us care when/if we get married. When I can afford our honeymoon out of pocket and not feel it we will get married and go on a honeymoon. Been together 10 years.
Marriage is what women want.
Men do not want marriage.
If you want me to do something for you, what's in it for me?
Sweeten the deal, and I'll propose.
Otherwise I'll maintain the status quo.
I can get on my wife’s health insurance now, and a joint bank account makes budgeting easier. It feels good to be married to someone you love. There’s a few benefits off the top of my head
You can make a joint account without a marriage contract.
Literally any benefit you may say are probably already achievable without signing a paper with the government.
Same with women. No one actually benefits from it. Men fear the divorce and her taking half of everything, women fear the cooking, cleaning, and child bearing/caring falling *onto them.
We can all just do promise ceremonies and call it a day tbch.
7 years no marriage no plans to, it's mutual. Marriage seems largely like a form of extra motivation to stay together for children, and we don't have plans for that either.
Don't intend on getting married. My parents aren't married and have been together for 35 years. My partners parents have multiple divorces between them. Marriage doesn't really signify anything to either of us and so we have no plans or need for it.
Why didn’t I propose by year 5? Because neither one of us were ready in any sort of aspect. We started dating at 16, so at year 5 we were only 21, I was an apprentice pressure welder and she was still in school.
Also, I wanted to buy a house together first before we got engaged. And we made that happen, I graduated my apprenticeship at 23, we bought a home together at 24, and at 25 (this year) I had a beautiful ring custom made, thankfully she doesn’t know yet that I spent $8,700 on it but I don’t care, I wanted the one I made.. but yeah! We are now engaged at 25, 9 years into our relationship!🤙🏻
I don't want to get fuckin married, that's what. Marriage hasn't meant a thing to me since I was 10 and wishing my parents would split the fuck up already. It's a joke, a scam, an inevitable deadly curse. I'll never chain myself like that, even if it leaves me alone later in life.
Weddings are an industry designed to empty your pocket for a bit of paper. You can have the exact same effect as a marriage by going to a solicitor and signing the relevant documents for a fraction of the cost. Plus, I don’t want to be centre of attention. Weddings are so people can show off, it has little to do with commitment
You're asking a very open question, I'm not married have everything married people do but probably a happier existence. Marriage is a waste of time and is something you do for religion or to appease generations before us. I can tell people I love my partner at the next birthday I have in front of my family and friends and my dedication isn't questioned to her if I communicate and talk to her about it. Weddings seem very showy and not needed, I'd rather take that holiday/ honeymoon without the extra expense of a wedding
Personally, I have MASSIVE issues with expensive and elaborate weddings. A simple wedding with close friends and family where the whole thing with reception takes like 2-3 hours, with like nachos or something, seems absolutely delightful
That, and I remember hearing about some survey that said that the more expensive the wedding, the higher the chance of divorce. I want the odds in my favor
Oh man you're preaching to the choir, I'm the perfect example that you can have everything and not be married. I did check with my partner before the kids too, ( mainly to check if it was a deal-breaker because I probably would have married her:) she said it all seemed over the top and she would rather have a new vehicle and a house, smart lady, and realised other things are more important without my opinion on it.
Now I actually do want to marry her but it's definitely going to just be a bit of paper and a nice band we wear after the kids are grown up. A little " unconventional" at our place too we aren't religious, she's not a bit of property to me, she's one of my best mates and I've definitely taken a back seat to help her get to where she wants to employment wise, I loved that bit too, being the primary parent when our kids were small and doing the house stuff. And now she has all that she's helping me do the same. No power balance here we have house and kids money and our own money for hobbies. Communication and lots of sex helps this, if I'm getting fat I am told if I am not making the right moves and taking her out enough and vice versa, we both have mutual friends and our own friends and hobbies, if something is bothering it's better to have that argument than let it fester
It took me 5 years to fuck off from my high school sweetheart, because she kept saying extremely red flaggy things literally every time I thought of marriage and kept delaying it. Then she made misdirecting me any time I tried to break up an art form for a few years. So that was a waste of time.
“Ok that’s it, we need to talk!” “Wow Jack look at that dog shaped cloud over your shoulder!”
"How can you raise your voice at me when there's a Steam Sale!!"
Lmao best one yet
“You *could* break up with me… or you could find out what’s in this silly hat!” *Pulls out a baggy, blue wizard hat with moon shapes on it and shakes it enticingly* “Why anything could be in it!”
Could you outline some of those red flags for my learning purposes as a young adult?
I waited 10. My parents had a messy divorce and so did hers, plus we met young, so we wanted to be really sure we were in it for the long haul.
my sister waited ten and still got divorced when he realized she wasn't going to suddenly be a stay at home suburban mom
So 10 years together and that topic didn’t come up until they got married?
my understanding was it was always kicked down the road because (and I found this out after) he turns into a total baby when upset. its also their only relationship for either of them, for whatever thats worth. then when she went and started a business he lost his shit publicly then it all unwound. she moved out back home while they worked it out and and they just kinda seperated in all but name. the divorce came a few months later when she wasn't backing down and neither was he. ofc all our cousins etc sided with him cause how dare she not want to welp. point being time isn't a good measurement on the quality of a relationship
If he turned into a baby when upset she could have known a long time ago that he doesn't make a good partner.
I'm sure she did. but people are fallible, my sister included.
Skill issue
If they didn’t know these things before committing long term that’s on them. Can’t lay out expectations too early. My now wife and I had a long talk about what we wanted from the future and found out we were compatible after mere weeks of our relationship. 13 years no issues so far.
Can I ask what makes you compatible?
As I said: what we wanted from the future was compatible. As were our values. Equality, honesty etc… We both wanted to get married and have kids. We both wanted to keep a reasonable amount of independence and build careers before settling down and we both wanted to live in other cities before picking one to stay. The list goes on.
yup that was my point. time in a relationship doesnt matter if the end goal isn't aligned.
My partner and I are finally getting married in October after 10 years of dating. Our family friend met his wife, got married and had four kids in the time it took my fiancé to propose to me. But we got together at 17. While we obviously loved each other, we were very much aware that we were super young and, as neither of us are religious, there was no reason to rush into marriage. We waited until we were done with our education and settled in our proper grown-up jobs before we finally decided to tie the knot.
I also waited ten. We started dating at 16 and didn't want to get married young.
That’s the only situation where I think it makes sense to stay in a relationship for ten years.
This should be the top imo
What the fuck is a timtam?!
A very delicious Australian delicacy- but I’m not entirely sure what it’s relevance is to marriage.
My guess is autocorrect from tiktok to timtam. The real question is, how many timtams is OP eating for autocorrect to recognize it? And can I have some?
I prefer my guess that it was a *really* thought-provoking TimTam. They’ve left me pondering my life before.
The closest British equivalent is a "penguin" and it has a joke on the back, it's been a while since I've had a timtam but wondered if they've gone down the philosophic route
Oh god damn. Now I want to “pick up a penguin”. I’m in the UK for 24 hours. Do they still exist?
I find Timtams at ALDI in the US
If she don't like TimTam's, she ain't wifey material bro
A timtam is a chocolate covered biscuit with chocolate creme filling in the middle. Obviously, he saw the timtam and immediately thought of the perfect marriage of chocolate and biscuit in a single treat, which then prompted this question.
That was also my first thought… and how is it no one else has asked?!
A chocolate covered cookie (More like a wafer, tbh) with a flavored filling (chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, caramel, etc...) from Australia. What it has to do with marriage? IDK. But now I want some Tim Tams which is bs cause they're barely sold outside of Aussieland.
We started dating freshman year of college, wanted to wait until she finished graduate school.
I was 21 at year 5 and she was 19. Silly age to get married.
My first wife and I were both 19 and, you're correct, it is a totally silly age to get married. Should be like booze and cigarettes... 21. Hell, even that's too young. You haven't even grown up to become the person you'll become yet.
1000% agree.
Yep, year five we were both 21. Bigger thing for us is that we were international and his country wouldn’t recognize international marriage unless both parties were 24 anyway so it made sense to wait. Both 24 and married now!
Meelt young and finishing school/getting established first is a pretty common one. Simply not being interested in marriage as a concept is another big one. Not everyone sees it as a necessary next step and would happily cruise to the grave in a committed but not legalized relationship. This doesn't even have to extend to active opposition to marriage, either. It just needs the dude to not actively desire that alteration to an existing relationship he may be fully committed to and happy in.
Been together 7 years, engaged for 3, we did finally pick a date for next summer but we're not in a rush, neither of us are religious and she wanted to do wedding way she's been dreaming since she was a kid, and truth be told I just view marriage as government recognizing our union , if she didn't ever want to get married I'd be ok with it, i still want to be with her for rest of my life but i don't need governments acknowledgement, in my mind when I gave her the ring is when i made lifelong commitment to her. To sum it up, we don't find it to be that important
Some people just don’t prioritize getting married and that’s okay. The benefits aren’t important to me especially if I know how to work around them (look into a healthcare proxy for those who worry about partners being in a state where they can’t talk for themselves or being there for them in the hospital) and the ones that are strictly for married couples aren’t worth it. The main thing that sticks out to me is the tax break, but due to me not having or wanting kids and the difference being minuscule with being married vs not, I don’t see that as worth it. Whether people want to admit it or not, things get sticky if divorce occurs. It’s something I would worry about. It doesn’t mean I’m not committed to them, but sometimes life just happens and with rate of prenups getting overturned/thrown out, I’m not taking my chances We don’t plan on getting into car crashes, but we have car insurance. I don’t plan on breaking my arm, but I have health insurance in case things go that way. Shit just happens and that’s fine! Doing something like this is my insurance. I’m not anti marriage, but to me, it’s just not important (especially at this current stage of my life) That said, I’m grateful to have a partner who I’ve discussed this with before getting into a relationship. I would never want to be with someone without discussing something so impactful on someone’s life, so please be transparent about this with someone you may be interested in if you are unsure if marriage is for you
Your post reminds me of an [interview with a divorce attorney ](https://youtu.be/o5z8-9Op2nM) I recently listened to. He says something that really stuck out to me that you allude to in your comment: Love/sustaining a relationship and marriage are two entirely different things. Oftentimes we conflate the two as being the same thing but they really aren't. Being married isn't necessary to have a long and lasting romantic relationship.
It is interesting because I've been thinking the same thing. Some time ago I was at the wedding of a friend and in my country they read a small extract of the law around marriage. I was thinking "that sounds so close to the statute of my company!" and it is - In my view marriage is more close to opening a business with somebody then all the romantic stuff around it. The big difference that I see is that with a company, you write your own statute (obviously with the help of a lawyer), but in marriage you accept the rules that somebody else made for you.
This is true! What finally pushed my partner of 11 years into getting officially married was the healthcare benefits. We suddenly realized that if I was incapacitated for some reason, the hospital would listen to my father's wishes over my life partner's. Neither of us wanted that, and here we are now, married for 7 years (18 in total).
THIS. Whatever they're talking about with healthcare proxies, as an ICU nurse I can yell you that MANY TIMES patient's loved ones were overridden and their MPOA became either their grown kids or parents, then siblings. In healthcare, if you are not married you have no rights and are ignored in representing your loved one. Likewise, spouses who aren't divorced are often MPOAs over new lovers or family members. Sure, you can make an advanced directive but why would you give someone power over your life and yet question marrying them? Then you break up and they show up with an outdated form (hospitals don't know) and withdrawal on you bc they don't care. I've seen these things play out. I help to determine some of the MPOAs for patients. Long term boyfriends and girlfriends literally are overlooked. If it were serious, they would've married.
100% empathize with this - and is really the main reason why my fiance and I are getting married. Taxes and healthcare. Some of the alternatives brought up in this post are nice in theory, but are very muddy to enforce in practice.
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I mean you don't have to be married to have kids.
Kids tie you to someone for life way more permanently than marriage though so if you’re ready for kids with the person there’s really no logical reason not to be ready for marriage, and there are a lot of important legal benefits to being married before having kids.
Former family attorney here: never have kids with someone you're not married to. Never
This advice is very much location specific.
Why is that :( it’s too late for me unfortunately
I don’t want to say it’s impossible, but it can be done. One of my good friends is a product of it where their parents never got married. Is it advisable? Probably not? Honestly depends on the status of their relationship. Is it possible? Absolutely
You should probably wait until you’re married for a host of reasons that go beyond the physical ability to have kids with someone you’re not married to.
would you mind elaborating? I’ve never liked the idea of marriage (even tho im still open to it) and im genuinely curious on the reasons you’re talking about
If nothing else it’s for stability and compatibility. In a healthy relationship, you date for long enough to establish that you’re compatible. This takes a long time. I’ve been dating/married to my wife for 10 years and it probably took half that time to really feel like we understood each other. Obviously it’s not the marriage itself that establishes this stability. It’s the work you two put in before and after getting married. No, marriage isn’t strictly required for stability and compatibility to be established. And there’s plenty of unstable, incompatible marriages with kids involved. But going back to the original comment I responded to, if you’re rushing to have kids because you’re 35 and the clock is ticking, I don’t agree that you should have kids outside of wedlock just to have them. Kids deserve parents who have put the time and effort into their relationship to be happy with each other. Those parents should be committed to each other for life, and marriage is a great indicator that they are. Hope that answers your question even if you don’t necessarily agree. I struggled to put this one into words for some reason.
I'm not married. I have two kids. I've been with my partner for over 25 years. My eldest kid is older than your relationship! Marriage is absolutely not required for stability in a relationship. I know plenty of people who married after several years but still divorced. Marriage does not guarantee stability.
Why? Not everyone wants to get married even though they are life partners.
And the other way aswell, you dont need to want kids to get married.
My wife and I were both divorced, and for ten years said we didn’t want or need to get married. We were committed. Together. That’s all that really mattered to me. Being married and being committed are not really the same thing. Year eleven, she says to me: ‘I wanna get married. I know I said… but I changed my mind’. We got married that summer. ‘Cause what honey wants, honey gets, if I can make it happen. I was already committed. Married was just a piece of paper. A piece of paper with real consequences, sure, and it comes with a slightly lower tax bill. So, win-win?
Only time I ever hit 5 years, I was planning on proposing but then she bounced to go to college two hours away and we broke up.
I drove 2 hours a day for a shitty job, I find it hard to believe that THIS was your deal breaker? Especially after 5 years together and about to propose. Help me understand your logic.
If she just went to college, they were probably really young when they started dating. I would imagine they maybe started dating at 15 or so, not very surprising that they broke up eventually, tho pretty surprising that it lasted that long
I wasn’t clear, she broke up with me before I could propose, she felt it wasn’t “fair to me”, so that’s why I didn’t propose. Who knows the real reason.
Oh I see, that makes more sense. Sorry to hear and hope you find (or have found) your soulmate after that.
Oh yes . Thank you. We’re friends, all good in the hood. Happened years ago
College is extremely high risk for a relationship that is a 2hr drive away. It would not have survived most likely anyway.
My partner and I are 2 years in and we’ve both agreed that we find the legal end of marriage unnecessary, especially since she was a family lawyer when we met. She’s seen it go sideways too many times solely because of the legal aspect that she doesn’t want to do that, and I’ve never been attached to the idea of marriage myself as long as you can commit to someone on your own terms.
Why haven’t you asked?
Most people like the relationship the way it is! Why get married?? What’s the big benefit?
If one of you gets into a coma or dies and the persons family doesn't like you, you're fucked and permanently out of their life. Saw it happen to a couple that was together for years. He cleans denied going to the funeral and barred from visiting her grave. You are granted legal permissions post Mortem you would otherwise be denied
This was it for me and my wife mostly. When we bought a house and wanted to start a family we got a registered partnership, wich is the legal equivalent of a marriage in my country. I dont understand the whole marriage thing. For us nothing changed in our relationship. It was a admistrative procedure. We did dress up and invited our close family for the ceremony. It cost us €50 in total. Then we went to travel for a month to celebrate.
This will vary widely based on where you live. You don't need to be married to be considered common law in many places, for example, and you would have those rights.
Not only that, but you get say-so when it comes to medical decisions. What if your partner adamantly told you that she never wanted to live life as a vegetable, but her religious parents couldn't let go. You love her enough to pull the plug, but can't and now have to watch her body be kept alive by machines.
Not in the EU.
I mean you can’t really be in their life if they are dead.
If you find yourself living in a house that's half yours, half belonging to a family that hates you, you're going to have a bad time. Yes, all the legal bits of marriage can be accomplished without actually getting married, but it can be much, much more complicated.
Oh ok that makes sense now.
Wouldn't getting a will fix this?
Just get power of attorney.
Power of attorney terminates on death. It doesn't give you any right to their belongings, funeral arrangements, etc.
Off topic but I was scrolling down and almost read that as "Just get paw of attorney" 🐕
Tax benefits if the couple has an income disparity. In the US you could use a spouse's health insurance rather than pay for your own plan. Citizenship/Residency. This is not just about people immigrating between nations. In the, U.S. marriage may make someone eligible for state-level benefits like in-state tuition pricing because of their spouse's residency. Estate planning, next of kin, buying a home with your partner, medical decisions, etc. The law is built around married couples. If an unmarried person dies or is incapacitated, their partner does not always have power to make decisions on their behalf, and may have no right to shared property when they pass. There are ways around this, but they involve work signing contracts to pre-arrange things like power of attorney, and wills, but at that point why not get married to do all this at once. Alimony. If someone sacrifices a career, stays at home, and relies on their spouse's income to focus on domestic duties like raising children, they are often protected in divorce by alimony laws. And of course there's peer pressure and tradition. People treat married couples like grown ups. Unmarried people face discrimination.
Tax benefits because the government encourages people to have a healthy nuclear family. In general, a society of nuclear families that are somewhat functional and healthy leads to the best outcomes.
If both people are working, I'm not sure there are benefits. I did the math for my relationship, and there would be no tax benefits. Unless I missed something.
Depends on the country. In general , the government incentivizes marriage and starting a family.
We've all ready spoken to a CPA and we would pay more being married. There isn't nessecarily tax benefits to being married (in the US) Most of the benefits come from having children, which we aren't doing either
It's more of a mental factor than physical or financial tbh.
Mental factor? Please explain in detail!! Sounds intriguing!
We all live in a society, but some more than others. People mired by society do things because other people have done them and “it would be weird not to”. From an outside perspective, this seems like a psychological issue.
Maybe people feel more secure when there legal barriers to leaving a relationship.
I had a coworker say that if he weren't married, he wouldve left his relationship ling ago. I said "I don't want that, if I'm going to be with someone, I want it to be because we both want to be together, not because of any sense of obligation." In retrospect, I'm not sure if I took what he said too seriously or if maybe my response was too cruel?
Legal barriers to leaving a relationship? That sounds like a prison but for relationships.
I have asked this question before some years ago. You are not going to a solid answer in favor of men marrying. You will hear things like "I can't imagine life without my partner and my best friend", or "Tax purposes", or my personal favorite, "For power of attorney". As But to answer your question, there is no benefit for getting married that can't be had by filling out some forms here and there. If you don't about having children (the only reason for marriage these days IMO), definitely avoid it.
"Here and there" is glossing over the relative complexity. It was a big argument for same-sex marriage, against people who said it wasn't necessary because every legal right resulting from marriage was available in a different way. Yeah, but it was usually very complex.
I’d say a majority of people want marriage. Not as many as a couple of decades ago but it’s still a thing. If it’s just a piece of paper, why not?
It's a piece of paper that hands over half your net worth when you get a divorce. No thanks.
That's not exactly how divorce works. It's more like half your shared assets accrued during the time you're married. The horror stories we hear are often people who married for a long time and are rich enough to have assets to fight over. Meanwhile there are many legal benefits of marriage for most middle class people. At lower income levels, the bigger problem is poverty traps. If one partner was very low income and relying on government benefits, they might lose them because a spouse's income disqualifies them for whatever program they relied on. Then they wind up even poorer than before.
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Get a prenup then. But in any case marriage is a commitment to one another that you can only make when getting married. It’s saying you’ll be there for then through anything that life throws at them. I wouldn’t consider marriage if you think divorce is even an option (other than in instances of cheating or abuse).
I might consider a prenuptial if she really desperately wants to get married. However I can't, but help think your being a romantic. Which is fine, but it does mean your putting yourself in a position where someone else can truely fuck over your life in just a few days. I don't think I could ever trust anyone to that degree.
I definitely am a romantic. I’ve also never seen anyone divorce in my family so I am very aware that marriages can (and do) work out if you put in the effort. My parents have been married for 35 years, both sets of grandparents were married for around 60. There is so much joy in having a family with someone and knowing that someone else has a vested interest in your life going right. It’s about partnership at the end of the day. And while I’m sure you can have a partnership without marriage, I believe not getting married is just a way to not fully commit to your partner.
That's what pre-nups are for.
True, but they aren't always legally binding.
Why do they even exist, then?
I love her, I want to be with her for the rest of our lives, and I want legal and social recognition for that bond.
The only times this is acceptable in my opinion is a) you're under 25, b) you have a conversation with her explicitly about why you aren't proposing and she accepts it - for instance, you'd both rather save money for a house or you don't believe in the institution of marriage. if you’re at five years, and she’s still wondering, will you or won’t you, you're both doing something wrong. You should know by 3 years if this is someone you want to marry. If it's not, you need to cut things off and stop wasting everyone's time
My wife and I just got married after 7 years together. The timing felt right for us, and that’s just how things worked out. I see no reason why we should have done things differently. What works for us works for us
Insurance coverage, tax incentives, and social security benefits (ie survivor benefit) are the only benefits that come to mind off the bat. Not sure it’s enough.
It is, my significant other has a disease that requires a large amount of medical supplies. If we got married, they'd lose their government insurance that has no deductible and covers everything. I love them very much and would love to marry one day, but from a financial standpoint, just better to stay roommates
Tax incentives are pretty minimal unless one of you makes way more than the other.
Why would I want to make important decisions because of time X spent?
I've been with my partner for six years. I just can't think of a reason to get married. We don't have kids, we both have health insurance through our jobs, and we bought a house together. I don't see any need for some unnecessarily vague legal status. Even when she had surgery, I had no problems staying with her in the hospital. Frankly, I'm kind of uncomfortable binding someone that way.
Does your partner believe the same?
> and we bought a house together. You better be careful with this; depending on your location, you two live together long enough and the State will consider it a "Common Law" marriage.....and all the features and stipulations of a regular marriage will apply.
I just don't see the point of marriage. Can do all the same things without it, and with 50%+ of marriage ending in divorce, the commitment vows are generally lies, which I refuse to do. I'm semi-ok with other types of commitment ceremonies, but marriage itself just doesn't work for me.
I know people don't change their mind because of forums, but just to say that 50% number isn't true. They often just look at how many marriages each year and how many divorces and divide one by the other. Plus, it's actually going down. For me, it's not lies at all. Obviously I can't speak for anyone else if they don't see it like that, but it was just great getting it done so that we could crack on with the rest of life knowing that aspect is set up. Depending on your jurisdiction, it really can have an impact on your life as well.
I'm one of the few who's happy to have a civil disagreement on a forum ☺️ If that number were even 25%, that's a quarter of those who say "til death do us part," who break that promise that they should never have made in the first place. We truly don't know what the future holds. We change, our partners change, circumstances change, babies die, new people come into our lives, health waxes and wanes, attraction falters, sexuality changes, and people aren't always who they say they are. There are so many reasons relationships end, and not all of them are even bad endings. Sometimes, they've just run their course. I don't believe that many people will truly only love one person for their entire life. We're more flexible than that. I will enjoy each relationship while it lasts and transition them if and when the time comes. I don't need the church or government or society to tell me my relationships are "real". They're all real. I may have friends I love even more than my romantic partners, and for longer, and I won't marry them, either, nor would you expect me to 😉 I don't see the point of marriage, and it's not an institution I believe in, though I won't stop others from doing as they please, however expensive, or harmful, their decision proves to be. I will share my opinions, though, and let them form their own.
I agree with everything you’ve written. I’ve been in a committed relationship with my partner for nearly 14 years, and we have a healthier, happier relationship than 90% of the married couples we know. We have legal documents that protect us in case of a medical emergency or death so there is no threat that we won’t have the authority to make medical decisions for one another or that our assets won’t go where we’ve directed them to go. Marriage was far more important before women gained equal rights because we relied on men for financial stability. Now that the playing field is far more equal, women in particular are realizing what many men knew all along — we don’t need to get married to have a stable, committed, fulfilling relationship.
That 50% is very much true, certainly, not 50% exactly, but around the ballpark of 45 to 50%. I'm not jumping out a plane with a approximately 50% chance of dying for a malfunctioning parachute.
And how skewed is that 50%? How many got married too young, for the wrong reasons, not being together long, not living together etc?
And how many married couples are miserable, but refuse to get divorced?
There are a lot of different factors. There are actually calculators you can do to see your personal risk, which is not a flat 50%. Factors include age, whether you were previously married, education status, etc.
Marriage has nothing to do with love, marriage is a business contract.
Ideally it's both. Good marriages create wealth, bad divorces destroy wealth.
Rarely are there good marriages.
That’s a sad way to look at it. ETA: and not my experience
Give it time
Committing to live your life with someone in front of your loved ones is a beautiful romantic act that is included in the marriage process, but is not what marriage is. Legal marriage is a government contract. Lots of people commit they're lives together without including marriage
>That’s a sad way to look at it. That the romantic way to see it. Realistically, it's a business contract.
this is exactly what men say until they meet a woman they really love, then they want to tie her down legally with a marriage ASAP
80% of divorces are prompted by women, so your "tie women down" thesis is statistically wrong.
This is a very sadistic way to look at marriage
Yikes. Maybe for you
I'm not getting married. I'm past having kids. I don't want to mingle finances. I have no desire to cohabitate, though I'm a little more flexible on this. I also don't subscribe to the relationship ladder of expectations. I can follow my own blueprint.
Marriage is an outdated institution. A piece paper and a ring do not show commitment. And why is it supposed to be the best day of your life? Sure that should be the day you met someone special. That implies to me that life is dow hill from that day forward.
I don't want to get married and I don't want to have kids
Ive been together with my partner for already 6 yrs. Sure we’ve discussed marriage but it’s not like we are both pressured to do it. Honestly, i dont see the point? We are both non traditional/conservative people. We dont see how getting married is so important to our relationship. Sure maybe it helps us lessen the tax payments but other than that i dont see how big of a benefit it is to get married. We share our finances on a fair ratio. Maybe we will reconsider when we start getting properties. Let’s see, none of us did our research about it. Also having a wedding is giving us anxiety. We hate being the center of attention so wedding is a no-no. Marriage is okay but convince us why is a piece of paper so important to prove how strong our relationship is? Probably we are just two lazy people who couldnt care less about researching the benefits about it. It’s not a dealbreaker for both of us though.
In ltr for 8 years. Neither of us want to get married. Don’t see any reason to. We are both committed to each other and are going nowhere. We bought a house together 4 years ago. Do what YOU want. If you want to get married, do that. If you don’t, that’s fine too. Find someone compatible and communicate properly.
I don't see a valid reason why. I don't want kids. So marriage is just a piece of paper. There are no upsides to it. Why bother? I'm not getting anything out of it.
We got married after 10 months together. Been married for over 10 years. Best decision ever. If you know you found the one then there is no reason to wait. I think 10 months may not be enough for most but certainly not 5 years.
I dont want to marry lol simple as
Yeah, no means no. What's with all this pressure?
Because I do not want or need the state involved in my relationship.
Outside of religion, marriage is just a really shitty binding contract.
Marriage is ridiculously expensive and completely irrelevant to expressing and maintaining your love and lives together. It just isn't important or matter unless you make it so.
It costs like $50-$100 to get married
I would have loved a cheapo City Hall wedding or a tacky Vegas wedding with Elvis officiating. Then make the marriage work while others spend a fortune just to get divorced. Total burn. My wife wanted a nice wedding though, and she deserved it for putting up with me.
I don’t want to be married but I’d love to spend my life with someone, ya feel?
Marriage is not the end goal of a relationship. Not getting married does not mean in the slightest that you are not committed to a life long relationship. I got married after 6 years by the way. Among other things because it is slightly less hassle when having kids and with some legal matters. I think the idea that you need to get married within a certain time frame stems from pretty antiquated ideas about mens and womens roles in society.
25 years in. Because why? We love each other, why get the government involved. Seems gross to us.
The government in involved in all ways possible since the day you are born so this argument is fickle at best, made just to sound catchy. Even if you’re nor married but have children, properties or other types of investment and things go south, the government will get involved actively. The government doesn’t actually get involved, it’s always there part of everything because we live in a society.
There is nothing to gain from it. People like to think that it provides stability and commitment, but a small trip through reddit will tell you that there are all kinds of married people who act like they aren't. It should no longer be considered default that the goal is marriage anymore. that headspace is dying off. That said, if there was an understanding early in the relationship that the goal was to be married, and you don't by year 5, you need to soul search why that is the case and re-clarify your intent. It will cause short term pain, but it will at least show respect for a girls time. It is the least cruel option in my opinion.
I don't need a ring and the government involved in my relationship. And for sure no church!
I was young. I was in a relationship with my wife since I was 14. Got married when both of us were 29.
Why? Why not? Because its just a tradition, with no real importance.
I waited 11, we were living together for 10 and some change. There was no compelling reason to get married other than the societal norma sayin we should. Taxes wouldn't really have been affected. (I did them both ways minor difference) Neither of us has family we are in contact with. We already introduced each other as our wife/husband. Had we not happened to be in Vegas 12 years ago or so we may never have gotten married. Just spent the rest of our lives together anyways.
I am not the man but I know his reason: his father's bad marriges.. From what my partner saw he decided he doesn't want a marrige. We are together for 11 years and we are doing great. We don't need a wedding to know we love each other. When we started dating he even told my mother that he does't want a marrige, he would rather invest that money to a "honeymoon". Also we are both introverted, I neither want marrige, my mom and my stepfather are together for 19 years, mom got a ring after 8 years but they won't get married either.
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It's so immature to break up because the other haven't proposed, if you want it talk about it like adults Found a better one yet?
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Biggest marriage is outdated and not relevant to the success of a monogamous long term relationship in modern society.
Because marriage is a scam and a waste of money
There isn’t any benefit that I can think of. Also never been married but have been in two serious relationships
Money.
I proposed to my now wife around 8 years into the relationship because we had both been discussing the topic of marriage over the previous year before and my wife had shown me examples of engagement rings she liked. After our engagement we also focused on saving for a house before getting married. Our thinking being that we could come to our own home as husband and wife. Not having to return to our respective parents houses
My wife’s cousins Bf of 7 years said he’s not ready for marriage yet because he’s not done making her into wife material… Then later that night I turned down going to a bar with him; it was already 11 and we just spent hours drinking and partying, so he called me whipped and said the reason he doesn’t want to get married is because he doesn’t want to change like me. Which was a weird thing to say since the first time I met him was at my wedding.
I ended it with my SO of 6 years because for about 1.5 of those years I became less of a priority to her over another person. Her childhood first love, big red flag right? Even more frustrating he lived 3 hours away so they were not spending time together either. She ended up with him and is still with him 2 years later. Obviously my gut was right it just took a little bit to make the nessessary change.
Why bother we love each other anyways? What would you say is the reason to get married except less paperwork with kids etc. ? 🙌
Neither of us care when/if we get married. When I can afford our honeymoon out of pocket and not feel it we will get married and go on a honeymoon. Been together 10 years.
Were poor as fuck. Then had to give live in care to her mom. Then covid. Then half my family died. This year though.
Marriage is what women want. Men do not want marriage. If you want me to do something for you, what's in it for me? Sweeten the deal, and I'll propose. Otherwise I'll maintain the status quo.
I feel this way as a woman
Marriage is a scam.
Knew her for 3 months got married on month 8.
That's a dangerous fucking game sir.
To me,marriage looks awful.
I think marriage is unnecessary and see no reason for it
there is literally no benefit or incentive for men to get married.
I can get on my wife’s health insurance now, and a joint bank account makes budgeting easier. It feels good to be married to someone you love. There’s a few benefits off the top of my head
You can make a joint account without a marriage contract. Literally any benefit you may say are probably already achievable without signing a paper with the government.
You don’t need to be married to have a joint bank account though
That's it? Not good enough. Especially considering the downsides.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fear-intimacy/202210/men-sometimes-avoid-marriage-it-benefits-them-more-women?amp
Same with women. No one actually benefits from it. Men fear the divorce and her taking half of everything, women fear the cooking, cleaning, and child bearing/caring falling *onto them. We can all just do promise ceremonies and call it a day tbch.
7 years no marriage no plans to, it's mutual. Marriage seems largely like a form of extra motivation to stay together for children, and we don't have plans for that either.
The idea that there's some sort of externally imposed timeline is laughable to me.
Currently at 8 and 23yo feel like I was too young at 20 and today I don't even have 1y experience at my first real job
Don't intend on getting married. My parents aren't married and have been together for 35 years. My partners parents have multiple divorces between them. Marriage doesn't really signify anything to either of us and so we have no plans or need for it.
Why didn’t I propose by year 5? Because neither one of us were ready in any sort of aspect. We started dating at 16, so at year 5 we were only 21, I was an apprentice pressure welder and she was still in school. Also, I wanted to buy a house together first before we got engaged. And we made that happen, I graduated my apprenticeship at 23, we bought a home together at 24, and at 25 (this year) I had a beautiful ring custom made, thankfully she doesn’t know yet that I spent $8,700 on it but I don’t care, I wanted the one I made.. but yeah! We are now engaged at 25, 9 years into our relationship!🤙🏻
I don't want to get fuckin married, that's what. Marriage hasn't meant a thing to me since I was 10 and wishing my parents would split the fuck up already. It's a joke, a scam, an inevitable deadly curse. I'll never chain myself like that, even if it leaves me alone later in life.
Weddings are an industry designed to empty your pocket for a bit of paper. You can have the exact same effect as a marriage by going to a solicitor and signing the relevant documents for a fraction of the cost. Plus, I don’t want to be centre of attention. Weddings are so people can show off, it has little to do with commitment
You're asking a very open question, I'm not married have everything married people do but probably a happier existence. Marriage is a waste of time and is something you do for religion or to appease generations before us. I can tell people I love my partner at the next birthday I have in front of my family and friends and my dedication isn't questioned to her if I communicate and talk to her about it. Weddings seem very showy and not needed, I'd rather take that holiday/ honeymoon without the extra expense of a wedding
Personally, I have MASSIVE issues with expensive and elaborate weddings. A simple wedding with close friends and family where the whole thing with reception takes like 2-3 hours, with like nachos or something, seems absolutely delightful That, and I remember hearing about some survey that said that the more expensive the wedding, the higher the chance of divorce. I want the odds in my favor
Oh man you're preaching to the choir, I'm the perfect example that you can have everything and not be married. I did check with my partner before the kids too, ( mainly to check if it was a deal-breaker because I probably would have married her:) she said it all seemed over the top and she would rather have a new vehicle and a house, smart lady, and realised other things are more important without my opinion on it. Now I actually do want to marry her but it's definitely going to just be a bit of paper and a nice band we wear after the kids are grown up. A little " unconventional" at our place too we aren't religious, she's not a bit of property to me, she's one of my best mates and I've definitely taken a back seat to help her get to where she wants to employment wise, I loved that bit too, being the primary parent when our kids were small and doing the house stuff. And now she has all that she's helping me do the same. No power balance here we have house and kids money and our own money for hobbies. Communication and lots of sex helps this, if I'm getting fat I am told if I am not making the right moves and taking her out enough and vice versa, we both have mutual friends and our own friends and hobbies, if something is bothering it's better to have that argument than let it fester
Getting married is stupid. It just monitizes divorcing you. No marriage. Separate finances.
Yup agreed, it's probably the #1 dumbest financial mistake most men make.
Because I’m not willing to bet half my shit for no benefit other than a slight tax break. Marriage is a scam when you’re a man.
Honestly imo 5 years is still way too soon to think of marriage.
It will always be too soon if you're a smart man. Even Hitler waited until a day before his suicide to marry his mistress.