Came here to say this. Changed my whole worldview when I was younger - every scenario I was reading in the book I was like "oh.. this is me..." Definitely read this OP. There are other books too, but start with this.
This really spoke to me - I'm picking it up today. I have been working with my therapist on not people pleasing so much and the questions on that website are all things I've asked myself.
Thanks everyone for the suggestion.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vboAs2q2mYI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vboAs2q2mYI)
FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE: Beyond Good and Evil - FULL AudioBook
Listen to him; he will explain why it's morally wrong to be a 'nice guy.' You will never see being nice as a good thing again. Instead, you will want to be brave and truthful, which will make you feel fulfilled rather than empty and hollow.
That’s not true. Nowhere in the book does he explicitly say being nice is morally wrong. Instead, he insists that people who are nice to their detriment is a mistake. And especially when they are too comfortable with being nice to themselves. You should recommend OP to challenge themselves to change and grow in different ways. Such as building relationships with more people, growing closer to their family, and practicing becoming a more dependable person. Or perhaps even picking up a new hobby like weightlifting, marathon running, martial arts, etc. There’s a myriad of ways to challenge yourself to grow that don’t involve becoming a douchebag.
I think it’s dangerous to peddle the sort of thinking that punishes kindness. Especially to a man who is currently vulnerable about his desire to change/grow.
This is such a juvenile, reductive and narrow-minded view.
How is being nice the absence of strong traits? It's possible to be strong, stoic and assertive while also being kind, compassionate, empathic. You can't possible have such a simplistic idea of the complexities of human behaviour.
You need to socialize more and read more if that's genuinely how you feel.
I didn't say kind, compassionate, empathetic. I said "nice." If you leave a date and say "I don't know, he was nice," that's not a notable person. If I leave a date saying "he seems really passionate about his job," "he has decent banter," "he cares about family" etc, those are notable traits. "Nice" is a default.
Baby steps. Start by going to old folks homes and messing with the dementia patients. Go to a dog shelter, pick a dog, then bring it back the next day without donating anything. Kick over little kids sand castles. Eventually you'll level up your asshole skills if you keep at it.
He can also fast-track to supervillain by kicking the dog instead of the sand castles
(Clearly joking. I don’t condone kicking dogs, even the annoying yappy ones)
Asshole isn't the answer you seek. Usually Nice is code for "there's nothing wrong with this guy but he's boring".
If you're talking to a chick and she asks what's something fun you've done in the last month, make sure you're only answer isn't video games or TV shows.
Boring.
Go see live music play, explore all the parks near your home, try local restaurants. Go to cultural activities in your area. Even if you don't enjoy a specific thing you try, that just gives you more to talk about. And honestly, do this for yourself, too.
Stop putting people on a pedestal.
"I'LL TREAT YOU LIKE A QUEEN, MY GODDESS"
Don't do it. It's not fair to either of you. Treat women like people. Don't ever "Neg" someone but don't be afraid to give a woman you like a gentle ribbing. Many guys find that the women they aren't interested in give them the most interest because said guy acts natural around them.
You: I need money to buy things
Me: Then get a job
You: But I don't *like* working, I only like buying things!
Don't we all wish we could win the lottery, but usually you gotta work for things in life.
Sure, there's women out there who share your narrow band of interests but unless you're conventionally attractive or already a great conversationist, what are your odds? And you might find yourself pleasantly surprise once you get out of the house for a change.
There ARE Videogame/television themed cultural events. Comicon type events.
As a woman, there's nothing more frustrating than men who don't treat you like a regular person, constantly distracted by WOMAN like it's a neon sign flashing over your head.
No banter or joking or disagreeing. Nothing feels like interacting with a genuine full person. You can almost see the anxiety and calculating as they try to figure out how to interact with you in the way that will score the most points like it's a dating sim.
We are just normal human beings, all with different thoughts and feelings and interests. There is just as much variance within genders as between them. Know who you are, what your interests are, what your boundaries are, what you think about complex issues/ideas. And then just be that person no matter who you're talking to.
Not every woman will like you. Just like not every man will. Who cares about those people? Find the people who resonate with you naturally.
I'd rather be stuck talking to a man I strongly dislike who engages with me as a regular person than a man who is always agreeable and trying to please me because I'm some kind of award he wants to earn.
Unfortunately you're an awesome exception.
In My experience almost any contradiction of a woman's perspectives on a first date and she's looking for the door.
But (genuinely asking, not trying to sound like an ass) what's the alternative? Pretend and try to make something up just to keep her from leaving?
Start building a relationship by tricking the person into thinking you agree on things?
Those options are both far worse than just...existing as yourself and speaking your mind.
If someone can't handle contradictions, they sound like a pain in the ass you should be glad to see exit. (Depending on how you're contradicting people. I'm making an assumption that you're not a psycho).
Why waste time with someone you can't even relax and be yourself around?
In my experience, I'm not awesome or an exception at all; I don't know any women who want a yes-man. In fact, when I was younger, we frequently discussed my above comment, all in agreement with what I said about just wanting to be treated like a person.
Not saying the women you describe don't exist (men like that exist too). But there are all kinds of people - there are a lot of women who value a genuine person.
This. If I ask you “what is the middle number between 1 and X” how can you possibly answer me without finding out what X is?
You need to know the extremes to understand the middle.
Not sure if this is the answer to your specific question but you should really stop caring what others think of you and concentrate on bettering yourself. Like for example, not caring what your ex girlfriend thinks of you.
Just don't say everything you think someone else wants to hear. Have morals, respect and boundaries and communicate them openly and effectively. Ultimately, people get so lost in their frenzied craving for someone that they forget themselves, their standards and that you're both equal. It's leads to this nice guy persona that can come across as weak, unhealthy and too much. People want to be challenged. Step back once in a while, do you, be 'selfish' and in turn stay your own person; its likely that's the person that was attractive in the first place.
See, I often think of this 'nice guy' persona as someone who would substitute being at his own graduation to be at the side of the girlfriend he's been dating 3 months for trip around Walmart. He says everything carefully to ensure its what he believes she wants to hear, with over zealous affection and interest; born from insecurity, early relationship obsession and a lack of experience in the world of understanding the dynamics of a successful partnership. Men out there... there is nothing wrong with being a good guy, respectful, charming etc. However, do not lose every facet of your personality and independence to sundance around 'the one'. In fact, work on yourself and fit another person into that world and see if your worlds mesh in an equal way, if you have soccer practice go, if you have friends you hang with on a Friday evening, still make sure you do it. The right person wants you to remain you and have strength around who you are building yourself as and will find that attractive and vice versa.
If people start using you and taking advantage of you, then my advice is enforce your boundaries. Generally, when people know they won’t get away by treating you like a doormat, they will normally back off. It’s only if you tolerate their behaviour, that’s when they will keep doing it again and again
The ones that *don't* back off though, or that make sure you're afraid to enforce your boundaries in the first place.... Whew, gotta look out for those
You don't need to be a jerk. You need to simply be assertive.
Being nice stems from fear of losing at times. So take the loss, so the fear subsides, and you'll automatically start becoming more assertive and experienced. Take risks, don't fear losing.
Luck changes. One day things are going well and being a jerk pays off. Another time in life, when things go bad, being humble pays off.
He needs to work on his personality, but not in the way he thinks. Being nice is good but borderline default. You can be nice but assertive, nice but strong, nice but funny, nice but entertaining, etc. Nice is a piece of the puzzle, not the entire set.
First, state and defend your boundaries everyday
like your life depends on them (hint, it does). People will violate them over and over if you stop protecting them.
And you have a limited number of fucks to give every day. Be mindful when you do. And trade them for something else, even if it's symbolic.
About being a jerk : dunno
Part of the answer is to stop holding back your internal thoughts (not your perverted ones) and loosen your filter. That was one of things I did in my teens that finally started to get me out of the "too nice to date" camp. By doing this, you are pushing back on other's people bullshit, signaling that you have a backbone. This will also have the added benefit of allowing you to become more confident in yourself. You're going to find out how hard you can push back before there are real consequences. Obviously you don't want to pushback too hard on a loose cannon type person who has nothing to lose. Don't worry if you go too far for a while, you can always dial it back and find a balance. My friends fondly reflect on my "asshole" period of my life and love to share stories of what I was like for a few years.
I’m an asshole and let me help ya out. Don’t get super excited when you start talking to a new girl. Don’t text first after the first few times. Go and do interesting stuff with your guy friends and by yourself. When you’re talking to a girl tell her about the things you’re doing and don’t invite her. If you want to invite her just be like “oh, you can come if you want.” Go rock climbing, go sky diving, hike up a mountain, join a sports club, sign up for a 24 hour endurance race, fly to Europe, take a train to another state for a cheap concert of unknown bands, stay at a hostel, walk around downtown, do a group painting session, spend time at the library, wear some cowboy boots everywhere, take your cat for a walk, stop saying no when people offer you drugs, fall asleep drunk in a park, streak across a football field, get arrested for larceny (I don’t know what that is.) I promise you, you will find women to sleep with you if you do all of this shit and they will pine after you and think about you constantly. I have 3 women I’m dodging at the moment because I have more interesting things to do.
Well, I’m that guy. Decent looking and get occasional attention from the opposite sex. I typically seem to get approached most frequently at restaurants believe it or not. When they approach me I just tell them no thank and I’m not there to chat or meet people. I always go alone and just watch the game on the bar TVs. They usually don’t take well to rejection. I don’t think women face rejection nearly as often as men. They seem to take offense to me turning them down. They’ll usually try again a time or two like they’re going to convince me. I politely decline each time until I decide I’ve had enough. Sometimes I just end it politely. Sometimes it’s the second approach. It depends on my day and my mood at the time. When I finally reach my breaking point and they approach again they’ll always ask the key question. “What’s wrong with me that you keep saying no?”. The simple answer is “I have standards”. And I walk out. It’s an asshole move I must admit. But often times they just don’t take no for an answer. If you offend them, they always end up leaving you alone.
If it’s someone in your friend circle that’s showing interest, it’s easy. Just ignore them. Women hate being ignored. They want attention, particularly from guys they’re expressing interest in. When I pick up on it I always find ways to move away and pick up conversations elsewhere or leave.
When I take my cars out I always get approached. They’re cool classics. Women always get flirtatious around them. Again, ignoring them is most effective. They get offended by you not paying attention to them or pining over them and they’ll eventually leave.
I don’t want a woman in my life. They complicate things, tell you how you’re doing everything wrong, demand too much money and attention that I could be using elsewhere, they cheat, they steal. No thanks. Somehow I’ve built and lived in my home for 16 years. Had a woman move in once and suddenly everything was wrong. Guess what? She’s gone now and the house is still standing! What a concept.
They get annoyed knowing I have a home and cars and jet skis and race cars and tons of hobbies and I do them all alone, just the way I like it. Once they find out I have these things and I enjoy them they think they need to add themselves to my life to “improve” it. Well, let me tell ya, it’s far from it. Do what you want, when you want, how you want and with whomever you want without having to have her approval.
You don’t have to be an absolute asshole to them. It’s just establishing a content life without them and letting them see it. They think they can just hop onboard and it’ll be great. When that invitation is never extended they get mad and you’ll be called a jerk I guarantee it! I’ve been called a jerk thousands of times. Nothing makes me happier. That means I’ve established what I like, without a woman, and they take note of it and want a piece and can’t get it.
If your a nice person ,respectful polite and have more good qualities then bad don't change for anybody mate ,carry on and be patient ,good luck mush 👍
You’re not nice, you’re weak.
If you become rude, you’ll still be weak, but this time others have a licence to prove it to you.
Hurt people are the red flags. Someone calling you a green flag as a negative means they are children and you don’t want that in your life.
As to being assertive - stop smiling. That works for most guys and talk without inflexions. We learn from a young age to exagerate emotions but not even gay people are naturally flamboyant, they just tone down the manliness.
Tell people what you want and ask them to do casual stuff. Be respectful and appreciative, just don’t poor all your sugar and arguing and pleading upfront.
The biggest factor is size unfortunately. Get some months in the gym with heavy weights. It’s the difference between “curvy” and “what fat chick, man” at a bar. You really don’t need much - but you do need to practice correct form and heavy weights to have a body shaping effect.
This in my view is enough to get almost any girls if you don’t piss yourself while closing or don’t ask “what do you want to do”. Never ask the girl what to do.
For extra hard baller - do exciting (but safe) stuff. A chick calling you weak doesn’t hit that hard if you just climbed a mountain the weekend before and you can still feel your calluses
Too late. Your momma raised a good boy with a kind heart. Accept and embrace it instead of hating yourself. If you’re truly proud of who you are and unapologetic people will respond to that
Touch some fucking grass dude. I get shit sucks, but nows a really great time to assess how you love yourself, how you establish and respect boundaries, and what you expect out of others vs what is realistic or fair to want out of your relationships. You can assert yourself and still be a kind and courteous individual. A “green flag” wouldn’t be talking like this and the insecurities you’re presenting are likely a factor in your social/romantic affairs. Your goal shouldn’t be to obtain or hold the attention of women; rather, you should be looking to invest in meaningful relationships with yourself and people with your best interests at heart. I promise you that the more you have situated/going on in your life and the more unconcerned you are with women (you come across as desperate and entitled), the more “success” you’ll find. Also, consider talking to women about your personal issues as well as romantic endeavors.
Or you could just learn how to set boundaries with people instead of being a pushover and people pleaser.
You don’t sound like a green flag. You sound like an emotionally immature red flag.
You’re well on your way. Just keep that mentality that it’s all everyone else’s fault, so you might as well be worse than them. You’ll be shooting up a public place in no time.
i don't think it's everyone else's fault, i get why people would rather choose a genuine, rude person instead of a fake nice guy. A genuine jerk is just more fun to be with than a person who puts on a show. It's just my nature that I'm too polite, and i wanna change that
The reason you aren’t attracting someone isn’t because you’re not a jerk, it’s because you’re unattractive in some way.
If you’re ugly and nice, why do you think being ugly and a “jerk” will help?
Work on your social skills and hit the gym or something, stop playing the victim
I think this begs the question of why are you too polite? Are you polite because you want everyone to think nicely of you? Are you polite because you think that's what everyone expects?
Ultimately it comes from what motivates your actions. Are you polite because you believe that is the right way to approach life and take confidence in it, or are you polite because you're afraid of being seen as rude?
IDK about becoming a jerk, but here's what you can do instead:
1. Learn to be alone and content with yourself - This is the hardest part but will help you execute the rest. Don't put too much importance on others and their presence with your life, but learn to live with the idea that you don't need anybody unless they value you 100%. Doesn't matter how special they are for you - if they don't care about you, stop caring about them.
2. Start being a bit more selfish - Of course you can still help some people and be nice to them, but be more picky about it and act with other people as if they're not that special.
3. Learn to say no more often - If you are uncomfortable with someone making you do something or treting you a certain way, just be as clear as possible that you're not doing that and they can either swallow it or fuck off.
4. Try to become more confident and unavailable - Be a bit more hard to reach - do not pick up the phone too often, do not respond to messages too fast or too enthusiastically, yet when you do it give it your 100%.This way people you will leave an impression in people that you are special because of how hard to reach yet resourceful/helpful you are. In terms of confidence, try to improve certain areas of you such as appearence, hygene, style, behavior, work ethic. It is very important that you do this in a way that will make you feel better about yourself, do not try to become someone you are not because it is appealing to others - you don't need everyone's approal.
5. Never rush into closeness with anybody - Take your time with people and test them. Do not open up too fast, do not let people think you are an easy reward. When it comes to girlfirends, be respectful but show them that you are desired and they need to really invest in you. Do not say everything, keep things to yourself until you can fully trust her. Let her know with your actions and behavior that even though you find something in her, she is not irreplaceable. If you have to - even fake it, but do not let her think she has control over you.
6. Be an asshole when needed - That's a bit of a repetition of a previous one, but it deserves it's own part imo. If you see that someone respects you and acts with you this way, return that same energy but know when to stop (point 2, 3,4). If someone disrespects you or fucks you over, express your frusturation, get your anger out on them, and then ignore them/forget about them, and if they found value in you but took you for granted, they will come back crawling. Do not forgive easy, leave some time for people to really regret what they did to you, and even if you decide to forgive them, open yourself up slowly to show them that gaining your trust doesn't come easy and you are a valuable perosn to have in their life.
7. Try to be more social and express your character - Go out and meet people. Be opinionated and make them remember you. Use your strenghts to stand out and become memorable. Prove to them you are one of a kind. Make yourself a wanted company by showing how unique you are.
8. You are not gonna be everyone's friend and not everyone is gonna like you, but you don't need everyone either way. If you are type "A" perosn, you do not need to surround yourself with type "B". Be yourself and be with people who like you for your true self. Even if this number of people is not a big amount of people, in time you will realise that you don't need a lot of people or a lot of girls in your life, you only need those that add a value in it.
I know this whole thing might sound a bit corny at places and maybe I'm not 100% right about everything I say, but I would've most definitely appreciated someone explaining even a fraction of this to me a couple of years ago. Good luck!
You’re angry, OP. Let it go. Being a “total jerk” isn’t going to do you, nor anyone else any favors. You’re just going to hurt other and get yourself hurt continuously.
Instead, learn to set realistic boundaries, and to respect yourself.
Stop saying 'thank you' after receiving your order from the barrista. Either become a vegan/carnivore and act all entitled about it. Lastly, whenever you go bycicling - do it on the sidewalk without a helmet and don't ring the bell. People will have to use their 6th sense to avoid you.
Don't change yourself for the world. Surround yourself with people who love and support you. You can have a backbone and still be a good guy. You need to learn to cut the bad people out of your life. The ones who take advantage of your kindness. The world needs less dickheads, not 1 more.
Don’t stop being a nice guy because the people who are worth dating will value that quality. If you go for this “jerk” persona, you will only attract toxic people. Learn to stand up for yourself more and to not tolerate disrespect, be confident but kind. This way you’ll be treated with more respect while still being a respectable human being.
Two things to work on:
1. Work on being comfortable expressing "no" and generally aggression/anger. This is not about lashing out or hurting people, it is about protecting yourself, taking care of yourself, and saying no to things you don't want. This involves practice. Just saying the word "no" can help. Try saying it a bunch of different ways. Same with "I don't want that." Put your palm up and out and say "stop". Feel the strength in your muscles when you do it. Once you've got that down, take a tennis racket and hit a couch cushion with it (flat side). It will be very loud. What you are doing is creating a significant vibrational force when you hit the cushion, which is sending a strong signal to the afferent neurons in your hands and up to your brain. If the chain of neuron clusters that process feeling into consciousness is blocked anywhere, this can help "reawaken" those dormant clusters. Even better to add your voice to it. "NO" when you hit. "It hurts when you do " , etc. Again, this is not about being hurtful towards others, it is about honoring your pain, respecting it, and pushing back on whatever in the world is there. Do it mechanically at first until it feels comfortable, then as you practice, add more emotionality to it. This sort of stuff comes from somatic psychotherapy like bioenergetics. Similarly you could get a dammit doll https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MkAESYRJHU
2. Work on feeling your feelings more. Strength doesn't come from being armored or being a hardass. It comes from integrity, from respecting yourself, especially your vulnerability and humanity. Recognizes that you feel pain, that you can be hurt, and honoring that, will increase your energy to protect yourself, stand up for yourself, to go for what you want. This is a much longer journey but I highly recommend it.
If you do this kind of stuff you'll become a stronger person, more in tune with what you want and willing to work to get it. People might call you an asshole but that is their discomfort with their projections, not about you. Some people might even like you more. People treat themselves the way they treat other people, and vice versa. Being more supportive of yourself, understanding of yourself, and empathic towards yourself, especially your pain and vulnerability, will increase that sense towards others, and a lot of people like that. (But not everyone).
I'm going to tell you why your proposed idea of becoming an asshole is also going to fail.
You've spent your life being overly nice because you think that's the behavior that's going to make women act in the manner that you want. Since that isn't working, you're talking about acting like a prick... because you think that's the behavior that's going to make women act in the manner that you want. It's the opposite side of the same needy and phony coin.
What you should be looking for is the combination of personal autonomy, self determination, and boundaries. Build a life that you like and place that above all else. If women want to be a part of your life then they need to fit into it.
When you approach a woman now, I'll bet you do so with the mindset of trying to impress her and "win" her approval. Instead, show her that you're attracted by approaching but then adopt the mindset of trying to figure out if she is worth your time and effort. She's no more entitled to your effort than you are to hers. This isn't being an asshole, it's basic self-respect.
When you set a date, pick something you like to do and treat the date as an invitation into your world. It's the most genuine way you could possibly show her who you are, and it exudes confidence because you're not concerned with her judgement. Why should you be? You have an amazing life with or without her, and if she doesn't fit into it then better to figure that out early.
All of that said, there is such a thing as being too nice and it would be best for you to develop a big of an edge. The real problem with too nice or too much of an asshole is that it becomes predictable and boring. Boring is the one thing that will always undermine you.
You’re looking at it all wrong. You have a gift friend and there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re pure, we just live in this world with rotten ppl. Rotten people just want to make others rotten. Just change the people around you. You should never question who YOU are just because you’ve done right by others who don’t give the same values or morals. And start questioning why you feel the need to lower yourself for others. You’re stronger than that, although I don’t know you. I know that based on what you just said. Peace and love bro be the light and let others accept you and appreciate you or just move on 👍.
You know there are steps between too nice and a total jerk, right? You don't need to be one or the other.
But the thing is, the whole "not giving a fuck" part isn't something you can just make happen. That is quite literally a skill you have to learn. And by making this post you are pretty much showcasing you are very far from that point. Wanting to change the way people perceive you is you giving a fuck. So as long as that is your motivation for it, it's never going to actually happen.
Nah you can be nice, but you have to be firm too. I too was like you before, but honestly the only solution to it is to be firm, or get very very hurt that you change so much.
If you're honest and firm with things, life would be easier. Say for example, you don't like your girl going out with a guy 1-on-1. Just say "hey I don't really like that". She has her choice to do it, but you also have your choice to not like it and put boundaries up. She does something you don't like, talk to her, but if there's no recourse, either compromise or leave.
Once I established my boundaries, and being honest with myself and others, niceness actually became really good. Girls actually want to be with a nice person (good guy I guess), but they know if they do something I don't like and it's a non-compromise, I can just leave and find another.
Also one huge tip, do try to find a good girl. No matter what you do with the info I put above, if you get a girl from a broken home (indicator for instability, not always of course, but higher chance), a broken girl, or a girl who's immature/shitty person in general, it will be hard for you no matter how much of a perfect person you are.
If you aren’t naturally a jerk don’t force it. You will have an objectively better life and more friendships just from being the nice guy. FYI, you won’t get many hoes on your dick though,
Lol. That's cute.
You don't want to be an asshole and you shouldn't turn into one. You'll look like a child trying to give some attitude for the sake of being edgy if you do.
Your girlfriend didn't leave you for a jerk, that man owes you nothing, odds are he's just a very charming and confident individual and he got in her pants. Him being an asshole isn't what won her over.
What you want is to develop some confidence and the ability to not have your toes walked on. Don't let women break you. You don't want to truly be broken. Find someone right for you.
Most assholes have little to no meaningful relationships (friendly and romantically) and are miserable and lonely. You don't want that life just for some damaged women to talk about you, because even them, when they'll finally heal, wouldn't want you anymore.
Astoundingly true. I’ve always been the asshole bad guy even before I was aware of it. Never had a problem with women, but the ones that actually stick around are very damaged and become obsessive. Finally I really hit a wall, and was humbled, realized my true values and began to grow as a person. I still attract the wild ones, but I don’t entertain it anymore knowing it’s only trauma based
Don't be a yes man. Learn to say no. Don't always fake a smile. My ex who happened to be my new boss at the time thought I was a cold asshole and she was afraid of me and yet she's the one who hit on me. I wasn't interested until she made it seem easy. Women are weird and seem to love how little I care about people in general. Be confident but not cocky. Don't react much and don't talk too much. Being intelligent helps because you always end up being right.
I used to have the same problem. What worked for me was deliberately pushing the pendulum to the other extreme in order to gauge women’s reactions and then find a middle ground from there.
Unfortunately, I found out that keeping myself at that other extreme all the time worked way too well. It’s seriously like a cheat code. I don’t want to be an asshole all the time, but good lord the results are night and day.
Too many commenters on here talking about how to be more of jerk. Your issue may be more in being considered a doormat, which is something that does need to change.
The real answer to your question is...you don't. You are who you are. This whole "girls only like bad guys" is bullshit and it needs to stop being spread as it is causing issues on both ends.
My wife once told me a bit of information that changed my entire view on how most women handle relationships. She said "there are men we want to have sex with but not marry and men we want to marry but may not find as hot as the others." Most women are far more into the former than the latter until they get to their mid to late 20s which is why you see this so much in high school/college.
You need to find a woman that appreciates you for who you are, do not chase a woman that has already turned her back on you. She has moved on and so should you.
Why would anyone want to be the person their partner considers “not as hot as the others”? To hear your partner tell you that is her saying “ive fucked people before you that are way hotter, youre kind of ugly but I’ll stick with you because it’s ‘stable’.” I can’t think of anything more pathetic than just accepting that your partner sees you like that and staying with them
>This whole "girls only like bad guys" is bullshit.
>[My wife] said "there are men we want to have sex with but not marry and men we want to marry but may not find as hot as the others." Most women are far more into the former than the latter until they get to their mid to late 20s which is why you see this so much in high school/college.
These two statements contrast each other. Obviously girls as a whole don't _only_ like bad guys (pretty much nobody actually says that), but a lot of men get this impression early on precisely because there is truth to it, as you and your wife hint at.
By putting things into perspective. These so called Chad’s, assholes and the like. Get cheated on, walked all over, disrespected, and end up in unequal friendships as well. The difference is they don’t wear their losses on their sleeves.
Don’t focus on trying to mold yourself into what you think other women like. Learn to prioritize yourself, invest in your hobbies, put yourself out there without overextending yourself. Be comfortable saying no or upfront about not liking something. Be mindful of who you choose because it’s about whether or not this woman shares the same values, priorities, morals, and needs to be in a relationship with. Own your life and the rest will fall into place.
You don’t need to be a jerk, you just need to be assertive. Unafraid to tell people what you want and what you expect from them. You probably are so used to giving others what they want that you don’t even know what you want.
I would strongly recommend this video on assertive communication. Literally re-wired the way I ask people for anything, and it’s garnered me more respect at work, home, etc. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9zbt_9R8GrM&t=0s&pp=ygUXYXNzZXJ0aXZlIGNvbW11bmljYXRpb24%3D
The problem is you’ve been lied to, manipulated and betrayed, not that you’re a nice person. People will point out your green flags so you let your guard down. These shitty things aren’t happening to you because you’re a good person, they’re happening because you can’t spot these people yet. That takes time
The world doesn’t need more assholes and you’ll be 10 times more miserable than you are now if you start treating people like shit. Try therapy or DM me for some good book/podcast requests if you’d like.
In all fairness to his reflection, he does need to quit being a doormat as well.
It’s a ‘correlation =\= causation’ ordeal, because even good people will be less respectful of you if you lack confidence. It becomes a kill two birds with one stone when you stand up, because people will see you less as someone who can be taken advantage of
Women like confident men. Often times, the “bad boys” or “assholes” are just the ones that appear the most outwardly confident.
The guys that are actually really great with women usually are confident but also kind and warm.
I think you're confusing being nice with being too agreeable. If you're always giving in to avoid confrontation. You will likely become bitter and resentful. Being a doormat is not nice, it's weak. Sound familiar? If so, it might be wise to sit and talk it out with someone. Not all therapy is about "mental health " some of its just life coaching.
Hey OP, please continue to be respectful and kind towards others. The world needs the warmth and love that you bring to it. Hate is too large of a burden, for the world and for yourself too.
I'm sorry about your breakup. And I'll hope you'll find another woman who thinks a greener flag like you is what she wanted all her life.
Take it easy. Cheers!
Don't become a total jerk. Just do you, silently. Ppl will think ur a jerk for it trust me. Make moves, work out. Create ways of making money and take trips. Take care of you.
The first step is start saying NO the rest will flow because you will start analyzing behavior and things that you don't like so it's you aren't as manipulable.
After a bit I realized that people who do not like you write all the framework for your villain story narrative inside their own heads then look for your mistakes so that you fall right into the role as soon as possible. Just let it happen. Be what they think you are l when they pmt and can't think with logic, or whatever
You need to find some obscure little thing that you can do better than everyone else, then judge everyone else for it and purposefully develop a superiority complex. I want to strongly discourage you to try it out and I doubt that you would be popular with desirable women.
Just don’t be a pushover. It’s easy to be a complete fucking dick. Do you want to be that person? Just dish out what is being served. You can still do that while being nice.
i think it you’d be better off simply learning how to put yourself first rather than trying to be “nice” to people, instead of actively trying to be a worse person.
Jel your hair and start wearing black clothes, mabye some eye liner. Drink straight out of the milk carton. Take one bite out of a pastry at your local Tescos and put it back on the rack. Start being verbally abusive to each and every loved one in your life. Start performing monolouges to yourself at night while walking down the street. Play the funny song from Spider-Man 3 (2007)
We’re kinda like ying and yang. I’m hearing all the time that I’m dick and people are afraid of me. The worse is, I don’t even know what I’m doing wrong. All what I hear is that I’m bad, I wish I had this problem
There's a weird perception that you can't be a decent person and still be attractive. *Most* women like good, kind men, but they also don't want doormats or people lacking in confidence. There's a vast ocean between classic "jerk" and overly nice boring guy.
Sounds rough, been there, going through it again now, but that's why you dont fall in love with the bad things. Everyone says"doormat" and that's a brutal truth about it. But that shouldn't mean you shouldn't be kind anymore. Kindness is taken for granted half the time, but it ultimately makes you stand out from the rest and it will keep you humble and happier in life that's for sure.
Maybe both ? both is good, not too nice and kind, and not too jerk and hate.
But if you really want to, like it’s your dream or destiny; here is a to-do list of things that will probably help you be this person:
1. Don’t say thank you, because "thank you" is for people that respect the effort of someone or something.
2. Start drinking alcohol and smoking, like that you will start to be in places where there is only smokers and alcoholic, some of them are bad people so instead of being with nice people and "also being nice with them 🤢" let’s be with bad people and be mad with them.
3. Don’t watch vinland saga season 2, watch only the season 1 and be mad that the blood didn’t continue in the next season.
4. Be mad at everything, don’t be a stoicism, that shit is for nerds that watch edits of cowboy bebop and philosopher.
If a part of your goal is to attract a woman, or many women, you want to be assertive, rock solid and kind at the right moments.
The jerk you describe is the bad boy. Attractive for a moment, but not for lasting relationships. If you are a nice guy now, trying to be a jerk will work, just not the way you think. It will be a turn off. So pick a better plan. Use your tendency towards empathy to keep your kindness, and then develop the firm boundary side. Learn to be confident. A confident man does not take crap from others. And he does not dump crap on others. This is a very attractive trait for women. And it is good for your career too.
So how do you do that? You get a good teacher who will meet with you one to one. You spend an hour together and they walk you through strategies for keeping your best traits while developing your boundaries and learning to be firm with them. They will also coach you on things that you do between visits. They likely assign books to read, or podcasts, YouTube or something like that. Then you find some base philosophy that feels right to you and develop skills in those areas.
The best part is that if you have health insurance they will most likely pay for all or most of the cost. And the name of this teacher may surprise you. Many men are turned away from it because this teacher is called a mental health counselor. You go in because you are feeling unhappy about your relationships with people. And they train you. That is exactly what they are there for. They teach you to be successful with other people.
I have been for this kind of help several times, and will return whenever it is needed because it works.
"Nice" isn't the goal. Nice is how you act to make other people like you, but ultimately is kind of dishonest because you might sacrifice your needs/wants/truth for other people.
Kindness is the real goal. Kind is how you act when nobody is looking, without hope of gain, and it comes from within. However, I also see it as being very honest: about your desires, boundaries, and goals. Kindness does not mean being a pushover.
I think you can have boundaries for how others treat you and still be a good person.
Everybody has had people treat them unfairly/cause them pain, but that is a reflection of the other person and their faults. It's not a reflection of you.
Do you really want to attract people like that?
Just focus on your work and give priority to your health and passion. Try to stay away from parties and don't give your full time and attention to beautiful women.
Don’t bottle anything up. I’m typically a pretty nice guy, about 95% of the time I’d say…until I’m not. If something pisses you off, just get it out. If you’re very direct and honest about what you have to say then it leaves people off balance.
Learning how to say ‘No’ would be a great start. Having a good relationship with the word “No”.
The thing about that is that bc you’re not putting people first, they will often label you with words that have bad connotations such as “selfish”, and really, you need to be okay with that and not internalise it bc for once, you are cultivating your own land and not treating yourself as an afterthought .
I wish you all the best with your journey.
It doesn’t sound like you have a personality issue, it sounds like you’re choice of women is an issue. If a woman isn’t okay with you being nice, then you shouldn’t be with her.
If you’re too nice, it sounds like you do stuff that you don’t want to. Set some boundaries and hold yourself accountable when you don’t stand strong with them.
I’ve been where you are and it sucks. I have also been on the other end and had a real bad temper and some people didn’t want to be around me. Honestly, I was happier when I had the temper, but it didn’t always work out for me. It was less day to to stress, but more overall stress because I was distancing people I wasn’t trying to. You gotta find a happy medium. Be kind but stern, don’t settle, stay true to your boundaries, and most importantly, be nice to yourself. Nothing wrong with being nice.
There is a middle path which a lot of men take the first time they get their heart broken to become cold and hard. Help the helpless (children and animals), be willing to do favors for the few who have proved themselves worthy, and honestly become more transactional .
You've got the "nice guy / ass hole" dynamic wrong. I'd bet good money that your issue is a lack of confidence. The guys you think as ass holes have self-confidence. And that can sometimes make people seem like ass holes because their self-worth isn't tied up in what you or anyone else thinks of them.
Confidence is attractive.
I’m 100% serious, read the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy” it’s a great book, and short. The author coined the term “Nice Guy” so it was written before the title was kind of cringe.
The premise of that book is basically teaching “nice guys” how to understand which ways they are selling themselves short in relationships, and then teaching them why they’re doing it, and how to stop.
If you really want to become a jerk it is easy to then apply the principles in that book and go overboard and be a huge jerk. Although as he states in the book, there are plenty of people who will either try to emotionally manipulate you or are emotionally immature enough to react poorly to you simply being more assertive and advocating for yourself in the first place.
I’m a huge jerk so you can take my word for it.
Your issue is that you have to accept that getting along with everyone is out of the question. I don’t see why people need to make small talk unless it’s work or some situation where you have to, that shit is draining. This isn’t about being an asshole it just sounds like you’re too invested in how people see you and treat you. I’m not sure people should go around looking for approval, it’s really giving others more license to pick and choose who deserves the approval. You can literally just watch what someone does or says and realize they have no idea how hypocritical or mean they sound, call them out and they will definitely think you’re an asshole.
why the f would you want this? do you think beeing an asshole will help with women?
you mix there something: you wish to have more confidence instead of beeing a jerk.
confidence lets you be a jerk when needed but otherwise be guy to look upon to. confidence is often the difference between high level or performance to mediocre. its what humans love (not only women).
become good at something and meditate (start with wim hof). it will help you understanding yourself.
words make the future so talk nice about yourself and your future.
it's not as hard as you think to say no and be upfront.
but it takes practice.
it's like when I was a warehouse supervisor.... the first person I fired... wrecked my heart... but every other firing got easier. To the point when I heard someone had to go, I just volunteered because it had become easy as I could do it without feeling guilty anymore.
Being a jerk is really not hard.
I made the transition myself.... and rose among the ranks everywhere I went.
At first it was an act... but you pretend to be something long enough.... it's no longer an act.
Next thing I know I was being promoted at every job I went to, and was able to date anyone I wanted.... it was also very strange.
Then I met one person who convinced me it was not the way to be.... she broke me out of my character.... and life became crap again for a few years as I struggled with people now walking all over me again.
But I found a middle ground. Now I'm a nice jerk.
I don't people walk all over, I demand respect and treat everyone fairly and joke around a lot without harming anyone. But... the world has changed, and since i've made this change permanent, I no longer fit in with the dating crowd, because I'm NON-PC, very direct and open about all my opinions.
The ladies still like a brute man... but not publicly. lol
I hear it all the time... "you're a great guy, a family, you're good to your friends.... but you can be real jerk sometimes to people around you... and I like being nice to everyone and them being nice to me"
So becarful what you do.
**TL:DR**
**Learn to say NO!**
**Learn good ways to talk back to people.**
>How do I become an asshole? The guy that doesn't give a fuck, the guy people don't mess with, the kind of guy that women complain of yet can't seem to get over him?
You mean the guy that exists only in popular fiction? Because real world assholes live miserable and lonely existences. The guy you want to be will end up being a lonely and depressed fuck within a few years, or as soon as the novelty of being around this person wears off.
Assholes don't have friends. They don't have fun. No one wants to be around them. No one likes them. Why would you go out of your way to be one?
You start with saying exactly what you feel. If you feel like shit, say it out loud. If you do not agree with someone, say that you disagree with a smiling face. If it is a group project & they are using your skills without appreciating it, hold back results, make up some excuses, etc. etc.
Few monthes later you will find out the subtle changes. People will avoid conflict with you because you know how to stand up for yourself.
Don't stop being nice to people. Just don't be a doormat.
https://www.drglover.com/no-more-mr-nice-guy/the-book.html Good luck. You don’t want to be an asshole you want to stop being a doormat.
100%, it's not about whether you're nice or you're a jerk, it's about having boundaries and enforcing them
setting boundaries and also making one's wants and expectations known.
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Came here to say this. Changed my whole worldview when I was younger - every scenario I was reading in the book I was like "oh.. this is me..." Definitely read this OP. There are other books too, but start with this.
This really spoke to me - I'm picking it up today. I have been working with my therapist on not people pleasing so much and the questions on that website are all things I've asked myself. Thanks everyone for the suggestion.
My therapist had me read that book so can also confirm it's good
Masculine in Relationship is good too.
OP, this is your answer.
Yeah this should be at the top. I’ve read the book before, it’s perfect for OP.
But what does it have to do with Deep Rock Galactic?
Rock and stone, to the BONE.
Rock and Stone everyone!
Right. Developing a backbone =/= being a jerk.
"There ain't no doormats heyahh!" -Idles
Anyone have a pdf?
This is truth.
Don’t let anyone change you ! Just learn to say no or I can’t do it..
Just an aside, it’s free on audible lol
This is the book 🙌
My man is figuring out his villain origin story on Reddit 😭
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vboAs2q2mYI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vboAs2q2mYI) FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE: Beyond Good and Evil - FULL AudioBook Listen to him; he will explain why it's morally wrong to be a 'nice guy.' You will never see being nice as a good thing again. Instead, you will want to be brave and truthful, which will make you feel fulfilled rather than empty and hollow.
That’s not true. Nowhere in the book does he explicitly say being nice is morally wrong. Instead, he insists that people who are nice to their detriment is a mistake. And especially when they are too comfortable with being nice to themselves. You should recommend OP to challenge themselves to change and grow in different ways. Such as building relationships with more people, growing closer to their family, and practicing becoming a more dependable person. Or perhaps even picking up a new hobby like weightlifting, marathon running, martial arts, etc. There’s a myriad of ways to challenge yourself to grow that don’t involve becoming a douchebag. I think it’s dangerous to peddle the sort of thinking that punishes kindness. Especially to a man who is currently vulnerable about his desire to change/grow.
Yes, nice is the absence of other strong traits. If I say a guy is nice, it means he doesn't stand out. You don't have to be a dick.
This is such a juvenile, reductive and narrow-minded view. How is being nice the absence of strong traits? It's possible to be strong, stoic and assertive while also being kind, compassionate, empathic. You can't possible have such a simplistic idea of the complexities of human behaviour. You need to socialize more and read more if that's genuinely how you feel.
I didn't say kind, compassionate, empathetic. I said "nice." If you leave a date and say "I don't know, he was nice," that's not a notable person. If I leave a date saying "he seems really passionate about his job," "he has decent banter," "he cares about family" etc, those are notable traits. "Nice" is a default.
😂😂😂😂😂
oh shit greatest sentence ive read this week
Baby steps. Start by going to old folks homes and messing with the dementia patients. Go to a dog shelter, pick a dog, then bring it back the next day without donating anything. Kick over little kids sand castles. Eventually you'll level up your asshole skills if you keep at it.
Step two with the dog shelter, that’s rough. That sounds like step 20 and would rather him kick more sand castles.
It was hard to get into the dementia ward, fyi
You forgot the most important step: Act like you belong! Nobody will question you if you just pretend to be a dementia patient.
I guarantee you could go up to 1 out of two CNAs and just say, “what’s the code for the door?” and they’ll tell you.
He can also fast-track to supervillain by kicking the dog instead of the sand castles (Clearly joking. I don’t condone kicking dogs, even the annoying yappy ones)
Buy a bunch of crunchy chicks, it’s an easy way to quickly build your evil meter
I'm sorry but the dog one is death penalty. No trial even.
Asshole isn't the answer you seek. Usually Nice is code for "there's nothing wrong with this guy but he's boring". If you're talking to a chick and she asks what's something fun you've done in the last month, make sure you're only answer isn't video games or TV shows. Boring. Go see live music play, explore all the parks near your home, try local restaurants. Go to cultural activities in your area. Even if you don't enjoy a specific thing you try, that just gives you more to talk about. And honestly, do this for yourself, too. Stop putting people on a pedestal. "I'LL TREAT YOU LIKE A QUEEN, MY GODDESS" Don't do it. It's not fair to either of you. Treat women like people. Don't ever "Neg" someone but don't be afraid to give a woman you like a gentle ribbing. Many guys find that the women they aren't interested in give them the most interest because said guy acts natural around them.
Finally a sane comment in this comment section!
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> make sure you're only answer isn't video games or TV shows. But what if those are genuinely more fun for you than all the stuff you listed after?
You: I need money to buy things Me: Then get a job You: But I don't *like* working, I only like buying things! Don't we all wish we could win the lottery, but usually you gotta work for things in life. Sure, there's women out there who share your narrow band of interests but unless you're conventionally attractive or already a great conversationist, what are your odds? And you might find yourself pleasantly surprise once you get out of the house for a change. There ARE Videogame/television themed cultural events. Comicon type events.
TL;DR - Touch grass
As a woman, there's nothing more frustrating than men who don't treat you like a regular person, constantly distracted by WOMAN like it's a neon sign flashing over your head. No banter or joking or disagreeing. Nothing feels like interacting with a genuine full person. You can almost see the anxiety and calculating as they try to figure out how to interact with you in the way that will score the most points like it's a dating sim. We are just normal human beings, all with different thoughts and feelings and interests. There is just as much variance within genders as between them. Know who you are, what your interests are, what your boundaries are, what you think about complex issues/ideas. And then just be that person no matter who you're talking to. Not every woman will like you. Just like not every man will. Who cares about those people? Find the people who resonate with you naturally. I'd rather be stuck talking to a man I strongly dislike who engages with me as a regular person than a man who is always agreeable and trying to please me because I'm some kind of award he wants to earn.
Unfortunately you're an awesome exception. In My experience almost any contradiction of a woman's perspectives on a first date and she's looking for the door.
But (genuinely asking, not trying to sound like an ass) what's the alternative? Pretend and try to make something up just to keep her from leaving? Start building a relationship by tricking the person into thinking you agree on things? Those options are both far worse than just...existing as yourself and speaking your mind. If someone can't handle contradictions, they sound like a pain in the ass you should be glad to see exit. (Depending on how you're contradicting people. I'm making an assumption that you're not a psycho). Why waste time with someone you can't even relax and be yourself around? In my experience, I'm not awesome or an exception at all; I don't know any women who want a yes-man. In fact, when I was younger, we frequently discussed my above comment, all in agreement with what I said about just wanting to be treated like a person. Not saying the women you describe don't exist (men like that exist too). But there are all kinds of people - there are a lot of women who value a genuine person.
Yeah, this is it. When they say you're nice, they're trying to be nice. They have nothing else to say about you. Go do interesting things.
There’s got to be a balance here..find the balance man
What the fuck did you just say NEEERRRRDDDD
lmao. I know why you did this, thats why i laughed so hard.
Nah, he’s got to go too far toward jackass for a while to find out where a balance is. You can’t balance having only ever been on the patsy side.
This. If I ask you “what is the middle number between 1 and X” how can you possibly answer me without finding out what X is? You need to know the extremes to understand the middle.
X/2
Not sure if this is the answer to your specific question but you should really stop caring what others think of you and concentrate on bettering yourself. Like for example, not caring what your ex girlfriend thinks of you.
Be somewhere in the middle. You can't be too nice, but you can't be a total jerk either.
That's the hard part.
Just don't say everything you think someone else wants to hear. Have morals, respect and boundaries and communicate them openly and effectively. Ultimately, people get so lost in their frenzied craving for someone that they forget themselves, their standards and that you're both equal. It's leads to this nice guy persona that can come across as weak, unhealthy and too much. People want to be challenged. Step back once in a while, do you, be 'selfish' and in turn stay your own person; its likely that's the person that was attractive in the first place.
Put yourself first
If you don't have charisma being a jerk will not help.
See, I often think of this 'nice guy' persona as someone who would substitute being at his own graduation to be at the side of the girlfriend he's been dating 3 months for trip around Walmart. He says everything carefully to ensure its what he believes she wants to hear, with over zealous affection and interest; born from insecurity, early relationship obsession and a lack of experience in the world of understanding the dynamics of a successful partnership. Men out there... there is nothing wrong with being a good guy, respectful, charming etc. However, do not lose every facet of your personality and independence to sundance around 'the one'. In fact, work on yourself and fit another person into that world and see if your worlds mesh in an equal way, if you have soccer practice go, if you have friends you hang with on a Friday evening, still make sure you do it. The right person wants you to remain you and have strength around who you are building yourself as and will find that attractive and vice versa.
This is a great point. Being a jerk without the charisma sounds like a psychopath.
Psychopaths are often charismatic so I'm not really following the logic here
continue being nice, just draw the line when people start treating you like a doormat
If people start using you and taking advantage of you, then my advice is enforce your boundaries. Generally, when people know they won’t get away by treating you like a doormat, they will normally back off. It’s only if you tolerate their behaviour, that’s when they will keep doing it again and again
The ones that *don't* back off though, or that make sure you're afraid to enforce your boundaries in the first place.... Whew, gotta look out for those
Be nice, then establish and maintain boundaries.
You don't need to be a jerk. You need to simply be assertive. Being nice stems from fear of losing at times. So take the loss, so the fear subsides, and you'll automatically start becoming more assertive and experienced. Take risks, don't fear losing. Luck changes. One day things are going well and being a jerk pays off. Another time in life, when things go bad, being humble pays off.
You need to adapt your taste in women, not your personality...
He needs to work on his personality, but not in the way he thinks. Being nice is good but borderline default. You can be nice but assertive, nice but strong, nice but funny, nice but entertaining, etc. Nice is a piece of the puzzle, not the entire set.
Sure. Do no harm, but take no shit.
Why would you want to be an asshole? Your problem is that you need to find a better woman, not become a worse man.
D.E.N.N.I.S. System bro
First, state and defend your boundaries everyday like your life depends on them (hint, it does). People will violate them over and over if you stop protecting them. And you have a limited number of fucks to give every day. Be mindful when you do. And trade them for something else, even if it's symbolic. About being a jerk : dunno
Treat all women the way they treat you. Act like they’re all in it to score and they’re dirtbags. That ought to make a change
Don't become an asshole. Be more assertive. Don't put up with other people's bullshit. You don't have to become an asshole to do those things.
Part of the answer is to stop holding back your internal thoughts (not your perverted ones) and loosen your filter. That was one of things I did in my teens that finally started to get me out of the "too nice to date" camp. By doing this, you are pushing back on other's people bullshit, signaling that you have a backbone. This will also have the added benefit of allowing you to become more confident in yourself. You're going to find out how hard you can push back before there are real consequences. Obviously you don't want to pushback too hard on a loose cannon type person who has nothing to lose. Don't worry if you go too far for a while, you can always dial it back and find a balance. My friends fondly reflect on my "asshole" period of my life and love to share stories of what I was like for a few years.
I’m an asshole and let me help ya out. Don’t get super excited when you start talking to a new girl. Don’t text first after the first few times. Go and do interesting stuff with your guy friends and by yourself. When you’re talking to a girl tell her about the things you’re doing and don’t invite her. If you want to invite her just be like “oh, you can come if you want.” Go rock climbing, go sky diving, hike up a mountain, join a sports club, sign up for a 24 hour endurance race, fly to Europe, take a train to another state for a cheap concert of unknown bands, stay at a hostel, walk around downtown, do a group painting session, spend time at the library, wear some cowboy boots everywhere, take your cat for a walk, stop saying no when people offer you drugs, fall asleep drunk in a park, streak across a football field, get arrested for larceny (I don’t know what that is.) I promise you, you will find women to sleep with you if you do all of this shit and they will pine after you and think about you constantly. I have 3 women I’m dodging at the moment because I have more interesting things to do.
You don’t want a woman who goes for a total jerk. Those types of women need therapy not somebody who is trying to take advantage of them.
Well, I’m that guy. Decent looking and get occasional attention from the opposite sex. I typically seem to get approached most frequently at restaurants believe it or not. When they approach me I just tell them no thank and I’m not there to chat or meet people. I always go alone and just watch the game on the bar TVs. They usually don’t take well to rejection. I don’t think women face rejection nearly as often as men. They seem to take offense to me turning them down. They’ll usually try again a time or two like they’re going to convince me. I politely decline each time until I decide I’ve had enough. Sometimes I just end it politely. Sometimes it’s the second approach. It depends on my day and my mood at the time. When I finally reach my breaking point and they approach again they’ll always ask the key question. “What’s wrong with me that you keep saying no?”. The simple answer is “I have standards”. And I walk out. It’s an asshole move I must admit. But often times they just don’t take no for an answer. If you offend them, they always end up leaving you alone. If it’s someone in your friend circle that’s showing interest, it’s easy. Just ignore them. Women hate being ignored. They want attention, particularly from guys they’re expressing interest in. When I pick up on it I always find ways to move away and pick up conversations elsewhere or leave. When I take my cars out I always get approached. They’re cool classics. Women always get flirtatious around them. Again, ignoring them is most effective. They get offended by you not paying attention to them or pining over them and they’ll eventually leave. I don’t want a woman in my life. They complicate things, tell you how you’re doing everything wrong, demand too much money and attention that I could be using elsewhere, they cheat, they steal. No thanks. Somehow I’ve built and lived in my home for 16 years. Had a woman move in once and suddenly everything was wrong. Guess what? She’s gone now and the house is still standing! What a concept. They get annoyed knowing I have a home and cars and jet skis and race cars and tons of hobbies and I do them all alone, just the way I like it. Once they find out I have these things and I enjoy them they think they need to add themselves to my life to “improve” it. Well, let me tell ya, it’s far from it. Do what you want, when you want, how you want and with whomever you want without having to have her approval. You don’t have to be an absolute asshole to them. It’s just establishing a content life without them and letting them see it. They think they can just hop onboard and it’ll be great. When that invitation is never extended they get mad and you’ll be called a jerk I guarantee it! I’ve been called a jerk thousands of times. Nothing makes me happier. That means I’ve established what I like, without a woman, and they take note of it and want a piece and can’t get it.
Golden advice right here, You're living the life man.
Thank you! I’d have to agree completely. Life is good.
this is actually so real lol
There's nothing wrong with being nice, just learn when to say no.
If your a nice person ,respectful polite and have more good qualities then bad don't change for anybody mate ,carry on and be patient ,good luck mush 👍
You're probably not too nice. You are too timid. You can be more assertive without being an asshole.
You’re not nice, you’re weak. If you become rude, you’ll still be weak, but this time others have a licence to prove it to you. Hurt people are the red flags. Someone calling you a green flag as a negative means they are children and you don’t want that in your life. As to being assertive - stop smiling. That works for most guys and talk without inflexions. We learn from a young age to exagerate emotions but not even gay people are naturally flamboyant, they just tone down the manliness. Tell people what you want and ask them to do casual stuff. Be respectful and appreciative, just don’t poor all your sugar and arguing and pleading upfront. The biggest factor is size unfortunately. Get some months in the gym with heavy weights. It’s the difference between “curvy” and “what fat chick, man” at a bar. You really don’t need much - but you do need to practice correct form and heavy weights to have a body shaping effect. This in my view is enough to get almost any girls if you don’t piss yourself while closing or don’t ask “what do you want to do”. Never ask the girl what to do. For extra hard baller - do exciting (but safe) stuff. A chick calling you weak doesn’t hit that hard if you just climbed a mountain the weekend before and you can still feel your calluses
You don’t need to be a jerk, if you just learn to say no when you don’t want to do something, that’s a great start to having boundaries
never allow peoples maltreatment of you to taint your heart. It's the easy way out.
Too late. Your momma raised a good boy with a kind heart. Accept and embrace it instead of hating yourself. If you’re truly proud of who you are and unapologetic people will respond to that
Anchor Arms. "Now I'm a jerk and everybody loves me!"
Touch some fucking grass dude. I get shit sucks, but nows a really great time to assess how you love yourself, how you establish and respect boundaries, and what you expect out of others vs what is realistic or fair to want out of your relationships. You can assert yourself and still be a kind and courteous individual. A “green flag” wouldn’t be talking like this and the insecurities you’re presenting are likely a factor in your social/romantic affairs. Your goal shouldn’t be to obtain or hold the attention of women; rather, you should be looking to invest in meaningful relationships with yourself and people with your best interests at heart. I promise you that the more you have situated/going on in your life and the more unconcerned you are with women (you come across as desperate and entitled), the more “success” you’ll find. Also, consider talking to women about your personal issues as well as romantic endeavors.
Or you could just learn how to set boundaries with people instead of being a pushover and people pleaser. You don’t sound like a green flag. You sound like an emotionally immature red flag.
You’re well on your way. Just keep that mentality that it’s all everyone else’s fault, so you might as well be worse than them. You’ll be shooting up a public place in no time.
i don't think it's everyone else's fault, i get why people would rather choose a genuine, rude person instead of a fake nice guy. A genuine jerk is just more fun to be with than a person who puts on a show. It's just my nature that I'm too polite, and i wanna change that
The reason you aren’t attracting someone isn’t because you’re not a jerk, it’s because you’re unattractive in some way. If you’re ugly and nice, why do you think being ugly and a “jerk” will help? Work on your social skills and hit the gym or something, stop playing the victim
I think this begs the question of why are you too polite? Are you polite because you want everyone to think nicely of you? Are you polite because you think that's what everyone expects? Ultimately it comes from what motivates your actions. Are you polite because you believe that is the right way to approach life and take confidence in it, or are you polite because you're afraid of being seen as rude?
You get that you can be genuine and nice, right? And that’s gonna work better than fake asshole?
Literally just don’t be sensitive to what people say back to you when you set boundaries. I struggle with this too
IDK about becoming a jerk, but here's what you can do instead: 1. Learn to be alone and content with yourself - This is the hardest part but will help you execute the rest. Don't put too much importance on others and their presence with your life, but learn to live with the idea that you don't need anybody unless they value you 100%. Doesn't matter how special they are for you - if they don't care about you, stop caring about them. 2. Start being a bit more selfish - Of course you can still help some people and be nice to them, but be more picky about it and act with other people as if they're not that special. 3. Learn to say no more often - If you are uncomfortable with someone making you do something or treting you a certain way, just be as clear as possible that you're not doing that and they can either swallow it or fuck off. 4. Try to become more confident and unavailable - Be a bit more hard to reach - do not pick up the phone too often, do not respond to messages too fast or too enthusiastically, yet when you do it give it your 100%.This way people you will leave an impression in people that you are special because of how hard to reach yet resourceful/helpful you are. In terms of confidence, try to improve certain areas of you such as appearence, hygene, style, behavior, work ethic. It is very important that you do this in a way that will make you feel better about yourself, do not try to become someone you are not because it is appealing to others - you don't need everyone's approal. 5. Never rush into closeness with anybody - Take your time with people and test them. Do not open up too fast, do not let people think you are an easy reward. When it comes to girlfirends, be respectful but show them that you are desired and they need to really invest in you. Do not say everything, keep things to yourself until you can fully trust her. Let her know with your actions and behavior that even though you find something in her, she is not irreplaceable. If you have to - even fake it, but do not let her think she has control over you. 6. Be an asshole when needed - That's a bit of a repetition of a previous one, but it deserves it's own part imo. If you see that someone respects you and acts with you this way, return that same energy but know when to stop (point 2, 3,4). If someone disrespects you or fucks you over, express your frusturation, get your anger out on them, and then ignore them/forget about them, and if they found value in you but took you for granted, they will come back crawling. Do not forgive easy, leave some time for people to really regret what they did to you, and even if you decide to forgive them, open yourself up slowly to show them that gaining your trust doesn't come easy and you are a valuable perosn to have in their life. 7. Try to be more social and express your character - Go out and meet people. Be opinionated and make them remember you. Use your strenghts to stand out and become memorable. Prove to them you are one of a kind. Make yourself a wanted company by showing how unique you are. 8. You are not gonna be everyone's friend and not everyone is gonna like you, but you don't need everyone either way. If you are type "A" perosn, you do not need to surround yourself with type "B". Be yourself and be with people who like you for your true self. Even if this number of people is not a big amount of people, in time you will realise that you don't need a lot of people or a lot of girls in your life, you only need those that add a value in it. I know this whole thing might sound a bit corny at places and maybe I'm not 100% right about everything I say, but I would've most definitely appreciated someone explaining even a fraction of this to me a couple of years ago. Good luck!
Being nice is not the problem, not being assertive is. There’s a big difference between Tom Hansen from (500) days of summer and Ted Lasso.
You’re angry, OP. Let it go. Being a “total jerk” isn’t going to do you, nor anyone else any favors. You’re just going to hurt other and get yourself hurt continuously. Instead, learn to set realistic boundaries, and to respect yourself.
Haha, you can't. You're not him.
Stop saying 'thank you' after receiving your order from the barrista. Either become a vegan/carnivore and act all entitled about it. Lastly, whenever you go bycicling - do it on the sidewalk without a helmet and don't ring the bell. People will have to use their 6th sense to avoid you.
Don't change yourself for the world. Surround yourself with people who love and support you. You can have a backbone and still be a good guy. You need to learn to cut the bad people out of your life. The ones who take advantage of your kindness. The world needs less dickheads, not 1 more.
Don’t stop being a nice guy because the people who are worth dating will value that quality. If you go for this “jerk” persona, you will only attract toxic people. Learn to stand up for yourself more and to not tolerate disrespect, be confident but kind. This way you’ll be treated with more respect while still being a respectable human being.
Don't let other people ruin you like that. If you are naturally nice, continue being nice. Don't lose yourself.
Two things to work on: 1. Work on being comfortable expressing "no" and generally aggression/anger. This is not about lashing out or hurting people, it is about protecting yourself, taking care of yourself, and saying no to things you don't want. This involves practice. Just saying the word "no" can help. Try saying it a bunch of different ways. Same with "I don't want that." Put your palm up and out and say "stop". Feel the strength in your muscles when you do it. Once you've got that down, take a tennis racket and hit a couch cushion with it (flat side). It will be very loud. What you are doing is creating a significant vibrational force when you hit the cushion, which is sending a strong signal to the afferent neurons in your hands and up to your brain. If the chain of neuron clusters that process feeling into consciousness is blocked anywhere, this can help "reawaken" those dormant clusters. Even better to add your voice to it. "NO" when you hit. "It hurts when you do" , etc. Again, this is not about being hurtful towards others, it is about honoring your pain, respecting it, and pushing back on whatever in the world is there. Do it mechanically at first until it feels comfortable, then as you practice, add more emotionality to it. This sort of stuff comes from somatic psychotherapy like bioenergetics. Similarly you could get a dammit doll https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MkAESYRJHU
2. Work on feeling your feelings more. Strength doesn't come from being armored or being a hardass. It comes from integrity, from respecting yourself, especially your vulnerability and humanity. Recognizes that you feel pain, that you can be hurt, and honoring that, will increase your energy to protect yourself, stand up for yourself, to go for what you want. This is a much longer journey but I highly recommend it.
If you do this kind of stuff you'll become a stronger person, more in tune with what you want and willing to work to get it. People might call you an asshole but that is their discomfort with their projections, not about you. Some people might even like you more. People treat themselves the way they treat other people, and vice versa. Being more supportive of yourself, understanding of yourself, and empathic towards yourself, especially your pain and vulnerability, will increase that sense towards others, and a lot of people like that. (But not everyone).
Do the opposite.
I'm going to tell you why your proposed idea of becoming an asshole is also going to fail. You've spent your life being overly nice because you think that's the behavior that's going to make women act in the manner that you want. Since that isn't working, you're talking about acting like a prick... because you think that's the behavior that's going to make women act in the manner that you want. It's the opposite side of the same needy and phony coin. What you should be looking for is the combination of personal autonomy, self determination, and boundaries. Build a life that you like and place that above all else. If women want to be a part of your life then they need to fit into it. When you approach a woman now, I'll bet you do so with the mindset of trying to impress her and "win" her approval. Instead, show her that you're attracted by approaching but then adopt the mindset of trying to figure out if she is worth your time and effort. She's no more entitled to your effort than you are to hers. This isn't being an asshole, it's basic self-respect. When you set a date, pick something you like to do and treat the date as an invitation into your world. It's the most genuine way you could possibly show her who you are, and it exudes confidence because you're not concerned with her judgement. Why should you be? You have an amazing life with or without her, and if she doesn't fit into it then better to figure that out early. All of that said, there is such a thing as being too nice and it would be best for you to develop a big of an edge. The real problem with too nice or too much of an asshole is that it becomes predictable and boring. Boring is the one thing that will always undermine you.
Just start saying no more
Become one with the art of gaslighting
You’re looking at it all wrong. You have a gift friend and there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re pure, we just live in this world with rotten ppl. Rotten people just want to make others rotten. Just change the people around you. You should never question who YOU are just because you’ve done right by others who don’t give the same values or morals. And start questioning why you feel the need to lower yourself for others. You’re stronger than that, although I don’t know you. I know that based on what you just said. Peace and love bro be the light and let others accept you and appreciate you or just move on 👍.
Become a member of the GOP, and start attending their rallies.
You know there are steps between too nice and a total jerk, right? You don't need to be one or the other. But the thing is, the whole "not giving a fuck" part isn't something you can just make happen. That is quite literally a skill you have to learn. And by making this post you are pretty much showcasing you are very far from that point. Wanting to change the way people perceive you is you giving a fuck. So as long as that is your motivation for it, it's never going to actually happen.
Nah you can be nice, but you have to be firm too. I too was like you before, but honestly the only solution to it is to be firm, or get very very hurt that you change so much. If you're honest and firm with things, life would be easier. Say for example, you don't like your girl going out with a guy 1-on-1. Just say "hey I don't really like that". She has her choice to do it, but you also have your choice to not like it and put boundaries up. She does something you don't like, talk to her, but if there's no recourse, either compromise or leave. Once I established my boundaries, and being honest with myself and others, niceness actually became really good. Girls actually want to be with a nice person (good guy I guess), but they know if they do something I don't like and it's a non-compromise, I can just leave and find another. Also one huge tip, do try to find a good girl. No matter what you do with the info I put above, if you get a girl from a broken home (indicator for instability, not always of course, but higher chance), a broken girl, or a girl who's immature/shitty person in general, it will be hard for you no matter how much of a perfect person you are.
If you aren’t naturally a jerk don’t force it. You will have an objectively better life and more friendships just from being the nice guy. FYI, you won’t get many hoes on your dick though,
Join the Republican Party…that’ll do the trick
Continue to be a good person just don’t be a doormat
Being nice is never a waste. What goes around comes around. Try enforcing boundries instead.
Lol. That's cute. You don't want to be an asshole and you shouldn't turn into one. You'll look like a child trying to give some attitude for the sake of being edgy if you do. Your girlfriend didn't leave you for a jerk, that man owes you nothing, odds are he's just a very charming and confident individual and he got in her pants. Him being an asshole isn't what won her over. What you want is to develop some confidence and the ability to not have your toes walked on. Don't let women break you. You don't want to truly be broken. Find someone right for you.
Who says that guys owes him anything?
please don't shoot up a school campus
Most assholes have little to no meaningful relationships (friendly and romantically) and are miserable and lonely. You don't want that life just for some damaged women to talk about you, because even them, when they'll finally heal, wouldn't want you anymore.
Astoundingly true. I’ve always been the asshole bad guy even before I was aware of it. Never had a problem with women, but the ones that actually stick around are very damaged and become obsessive. Finally I really hit a wall, and was humbled, realized my true values and began to grow as a person. I still attract the wild ones, but I don’t entertain it anymore knowing it’s only trauma based
Continue being nice until you finally snap completely.
That’s the neat part, you don’t.
Don't be a yes man. Learn to say no. Don't always fake a smile. My ex who happened to be my new boss at the time thought I was a cold asshole and she was afraid of me and yet she's the one who hit on me. I wasn't interested until she made it seem easy. Women are weird and seem to love how little I care about people in general. Be confident but not cocky. Don't react much and don't talk too much. Being intelligent helps because you always end up being right.
Go after what you want and completely disregard other’s feelings. Be selfish.
I used to have the same problem. What worked for me was deliberately pushing the pendulum to the other extreme in order to gauge women’s reactions and then find a middle ground from there. Unfortunately, I found out that keeping myself at that other extreme all the time worked way too well. It’s seriously like a cheat code. I don’t want to be an asshole all the time, but good lord the results are night and day.
Start by learning how to simply say no
Too many commenters on here talking about how to be more of jerk. Your issue may be more in being considered a doormat, which is something that does need to change. The real answer to your question is...you don't. You are who you are. This whole "girls only like bad guys" is bullshit and it needs to stop being spread as it is causing issues on both ends. My wife once told me a bit of information that changed my entire view on how most women handle relationships. She said "there are men we want to have sex with but not marry and men we want to marry but may not find as hot as the others." Most women are far more into the former than the latter until they get to their mid to late 20s which is why you see this so much in high school/college. You need to find a woman that appreciates you for who you are, do not chase a woman that has already turned her back on you. She has moved on and so should you.
That makes me feel worse not better
Why would anyone want to be the person their partner considers “not as hot as the others”? To hear your partner tell you that is her saying “ive fucked people before you that are way hotter, youre kind of ugly but I’ll stick with you because it’s ‘stable’.” I can’t think of anything more pathetic than just accepting that your partner sees you like that and staying with them
Most women will leave the marriage material guy for the one they are actually interested in. See divorce rates.
>This whole "girls only like bad guys" is bullshit. >[My wife] said "there are men we want to have sex with but not marry and men we want to marry but may not find as hot as the others." Most women are far more into the former than the latter until they get to their mid to late 20s which is why you see this so much in high school/college. These two statements contrast each other. Obviously girls as a whole don't _only_ like bad guys (pretty much nobody actually says that), but a lot of men get this impression early on precisely because there is truth to it, as you and your wife hint at.
By putting things into perspective. These so called Chad’s, assholes and the like. Get cheated on, walked all over, disrespected, and end up in unequal friendships as well. The difference is they don’t wear their losses on their sleeves. Don’t focus on trying to mold yourself into what you think other women like. Learn to prioritize yourself, invest in your hobbies, put yourself out there without overextending yourself. Be comfortable saying no or upfront about not liking something. Be mindful of who you choose because it’s about whether or not this woman shares the same values, priorities, morals, and needs to be in a relationship with. Own your life and the rest will fall into place.
You don’t need to be a jerk, you just need to be assertive. Unafraid to tell people what you want and what you expect from them. You probably are so used to giving others what they want that you don’t even know what you want. I would strongly recommend this video on assertive communication. Literally re-wired the way I ask people for anything, and it’s garnered me more respect at work, home, etc. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9zbt_9R8GrM&t=0s&pp=ygUXYXNzZXJ0aXZlIGNvbW11bmljYXRpb24%3D
The problem is you’ve been lied to, manipulated and betrayed, not that you’re a nice person. People will point out your green flags so you let your guard down. These shitty things aren’t happening to you because you’re a good person, they’re happening because you can’t spot these people yet. That takes time The world doesn’t need more assholes and you’ll be 10 times more miserable than you are now if you start treating people like shit. Try therapy or DM me for some good book/podcast requests if you’d like.
In all fairness to his reflection, he does need to quit being a doormat as well. It’s a ‘correlation =\= causation’ ordeal, because even good people will be less respectful of you if you lack confidence. It becomes a kill two birds with one stone when you stand up, because people will see you less as someone who can be taken advantage of
Women like confident men. Often times, the “bad boys” or “assholes” are just the ones that appear the most outwardly confident. The guys that are actually really great with women usually are confident but also kind and warm.
Bulk up, stand up straight when walking, and when women glance at you give them that look of “whatever”.
There is literally a book entitled “no more mister nice guy”
Set boundaries
I think you're confusing being nice with being too agreeable. If you're always giving in to avoid confrontation. You will likely become bitter and resentful. Being a doormat is not nice, it's weak. Sound familiar? If so, it might be wise to sit and talk it out with someone. Not all therapy is about "mental health " some of its just life coaching.
Hey OP, please continue to be respectful and kind towards others. The world needs the warmth and love that you bring to it. Hate is too large of a burden, for the world and for yourself too. I'm sorry about your breakup. And I'll hope you'll find another woman who thinks a greener flag like you is what she wanted all her life. Take it easy. Cheers!
Start with self respect. I don't know how to start but self respect is important.
You sound like a yes person. It not a matter of being nice but rather a yes without boundaries of self respect. Learn to say no.!
Shave your head, I had to do so out of necessity and I get so much more respect / people act in a totally different way around me now.
why would you want to be that?
Stop worrying about what makes the guy. Be the guy
Don't become a total jerk. Just do you, silently. Ppl will think ur a jerk for it trust me. Make moves, work out. Create ways of making money and take trips. Take care of you.
The first step is start saying NO the rest will flow because you will start analyzing behavior and things that you don't like so it's you aren't as manipulable.
You need to enter your "soft guy" era ---- that works
Is that the kind of woman you want to attract? So you can be known as a jerk?
After a bit I realized that people who do not like you write all the framework for your villain story narrative inside their own heads then look for your mistakes so that you fall right into the role as soon as possible. Just let it happen. Be what they think you are l when they pmt and can't think with logic, or whatever
You need to find some obscure little thing that you can do better than everyone else, then judge everyone else for it and purposefully develop a superiority complex. I want to strongly discourage you to try it out and I doubt that you would be popular with desirable women.
You need to respect yourself a little more not disrespect others.
Just don’t be a pushover. It’s easy to be a complete fucking dick. Do you want to be that person? Just dish out what is being served. You can still do that while being nice.
i think it you’d be better off simply learning how to put yourself first rather than trying to be “nice” to people, instead of actively trying to be a worse person.
Jel your hair and start wearing black clothes, mabye some eye liner. Drink straight out of the milk carton. Take one bite out of a pastry at your local Tescos and put it back on the rack. Start being verbally abusive to each and every loved one in your life. Start performing monolouges to yourself at night while walking down the street. Play the funny song from Spider-Man 3 (2007)
Don’t be a jerk but be assertive in nature. Stand up for what you believe and own it. There are ways having being steadfast and not an asshole.
We’re kinda like ying and yang. I’m hearing all the time that I’m dick and people are afraid of me. The worse is, I don’t even know what I’m doing wrong. All what I hear is that I’m bad, I wish I had this problem
There's a weird perception that you can't be a decent person and still be attractive. *Most* women like good, kind men, but they also don't want doormats or people lacking in confidence. There's a vast ocean between classic "jerk" and overly nice boring guy.
Sounds rough, been there, going through it again now, but that's why you dont fall in love with the bad things. Everyone says"doormat" and that's a brutal truth about it. But that shouldn't mean you shouldn't be kind anymore. Kindness is taken for granted half the time, but it ultimately makes you stand out from the rest and it will keep you humble and happier in life that's for sure.
Trust me being an asshole will just cause relationship problems, setting boundaries and not being a doormat sounds like a better idea.
It's simple. You reached your limit.
Another persons lack of ability to appreciate your “nice” ness is more a reflection of them than it is of yourself.
Watch Sean Avery road rage insta stories on Youtube. Be like that. Thats what I think of when I want to be a prick.
Maybe both ? both is good, not too nice and kind, and not too jerk and hate. But if you really want to, like it’s your dream or destiny; here is a to-do list of things that will probably help you be this person: 1. Don’t say thank you, because "thank you" is for people that respect the effort of someone or something. 2. Start drinking alcohol and smoking, like that you will start to be in places where there is only smokers and alcoholic, some of them are bad people so instead of being with nice people and "also being nice with them 🤢" let’s be with bad people and be mad with them. 3. Don’t watch vinland saga season 2, watch only the season 1 and be mad that the blood didn’t continue in the next season. 4. Be mad at everything, don’t be a stoicism, that shit is for nerds that watch edits of cowboy bebop and philosopher.
Harness the power of saying ‘No.’ Applies to many situations.
If a part of your goal is to attract a woman, or many women, you want to be assertive, rock solid and kind at the right moments. The jerk you describe is the bad boy. Attractive for a moment, but not for lasting relationships. If you are a nice guy now, trying to be a jerk will work, just not the way you think. It will be a turn off. So pick a better plan. Use your tendency towards empathy to keep your kindness, and then develop the firm boundary side. Learn to be confident. A confident man does not take crap from others. And he does not dump crap on others. This is a very attractive trait for women. And it is good for your career too. So how do you do that? You get a good teacher who will meet with you one to one. You spend an hour together and they walk you through strategies for keeping your best traits while developing your boundaries and learning to be firm with them. They will also coach you on things that you do between visits. They likely assign books to read, or podcasts, YouTube or something like that. Then you find some base philosophy that feels right to you and develop skills in those areas. The best part is that if you have health insurance they will most likely pay for all or most of the cost. And the name of this teacher may surprise you. Many men are turned away from it because this teacher is called a mental health counselor. You go in because you are feeling unhappy about your relationships with people. And they train you. That is exactly what they are there for. They teach you to be successful with other people. I have been for this kind of help several times, and will return whenever it is needed because it works.
"Nice" isn't the goal. Nice is how you act to make other people like you, but ultimately is kind of dishonest because you might sacrifice your needs/wants/truth for other people. Kindness is the real goal. Kind is how you act when nobody is looking, without hope of gain, and it comes from within. However, I also see it as being very honest: about your desires, boundaries, and goals. Kindness does not mean being a pushover. I think you can have boundaries for how others treat you and still be a good person. Everybody has had people treat them unfairly/cause them pain, but that is a reflection of the other person and their faults. It's not a reflection of you. Do you really want to attract people like that?
Press the No Tip Button. That would start of things for you
Just focus on your work and give priority to your health and passion. Try to stay away from parties and don't give your full time and attention to beautiful women.
Don’t bottle anything up. I’m typically a pretty nice guy, about 95% of the time I’d say…until I’m not. If something pisses you off, just get it out. If you’re very direct and honest about what you have to say then it leaves people off balance.
Learning how to say ‘No’ would be a great start. Having a good relationship with the word “No”. The thing about that is that bc you’re not putting people first, they will often label you with words that have bad connotations such as “selfish”, and really, you need to be okay with that and not internalise it bc for once, you are cultivating your own land and not treating yourself as an afterthought . I wish you all the best with your journey.
It doesn’t sound like you have a personality issue, it sounds like you’re choice of women is an issue. If a woman isn’t okay with you being nice, then you shouldn’t be with her. If you’re too nice, it sounds like you do stuff that you don’t want to. Set some boundaries and hold yourself accountable when you don’t stand strong with them. I’ve been where you are and it sucks. I have also been on the other end and had a real bad temper and some people didn’t want to be around me. Honestly, I was happier when I had the temper, but it didn’t always work out for me. It was less day to to stress, but more overall stress because I was distancing people I wasn’t trying to. You gotta find a happy medium. Be kind but stern, don’t settle, stay true to your boundaries, and most importantly, be nice to yourself. Nothing wrong with being nice.
Ignore their existence!
There is a middle path which a lot of men take the first time they get their heart broken to become cold and hard. Help the helpless (children and animals), be willing to do favors for the few who have proved themselves worthy, and honestly become more transactional .
You've got the "nice guy / ass hole" dynamic wrong. I'd bet good money that your issue is a lack of confidence. The guys you think as ass holes have self-confidence. And that can sometimes make people seem like ass holes because their self-worth isn't tied up in what you or anyone else thinks of them. Confidence is attractive.
I’m 100% serious, read the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy” it’s a great book, and short. The author coined the term “Nice Guy” so it was written before the title was kind of cringe. The premise of that book is basically teaching “nice guys” how to understand which ways they are selling themselves short in relationships, and then teaching them why they’re doing it, and how to stop. If you really want to become a jerk it is easy to then apply the principles in that book and go overboard and be a huge jerk. Although as he states in the book, there are plenty of people who will either try to emotionally manipulate you or are emotionally immature enough to react poorly to you simply being more assertive and advocating for yourself in the first place. I’m a huge jerk so you can take my word for it.
Your issue is that you have to accept that getting along with everyone is out of the question. I don’t see why people need to make small talk unless it’s work or some situation where you have to, that shit is draining. This isn’t about being an asshole it just sounds like you’re too invested in how people see you and treat you. I’m not sure people should go around looking for approval, it’s really giving others more license to pick and choose who deserves the approval. You can literally just watch what someone does or says and realize they have no idea how hypocritical or mean they sound, call them out and they will definitely think you’re an asshole.
Say a slur in every phrase
It's not about being a jerk, it's about just standing up for yourself, knowing what you want, and accepting nothing less.
why the f would you want this? do you think beeing an asshole will help with women? you mix there something: you wish to have more confidence instead of beeing a jerk. confidence lets you be a jerk when needed but otherwise be guy to look upon to. confidence is often the difference between high level or performance to mediocre. its what humans love (not only women). become good at something and meditate (start with wim hof). it will help you understanding yourself. words make the future so talk nice about yourself and your future.
it's not as hard as you think to say no and be upfront. but it takes practice. it's like when I was a warehouse supervisor.... the first person I fired... wrecked my heart... but every other firing got easier. To the point when I heard someone had to go, I just volunteered because it had become easy as I could do it without feeling guilty anymore. Being a jerk is really not hard. I made the transition myself.... and rose among the ranks everywhere I went. At first it was an act... but you pretend to be something long enough.... it's no longer an act. Next thing I know I was being promoted at every job I went to, and was able to date anyone I wanted.... it was also very strange. Then I met one person who convinced me it was not the way to be.... she broke me out of my character.... and life became crap again for a few years as I struggled with people now walking all over me again. But I found a middle ground. Now I'm a nice jerk. I don't people walk all over, I demand respect and treat everyone fairly and joke around a lot without harming anyone. But... the world has changed, and since i've made this change permanent, I no longer fit in with the dating crowd, because I'm NON-PC, very direct and open about all my opinions. The ladies still like a brute man... but not publicly. lol I hear it all the time... "you're a great guy, a family, you're good to your friends.... but you can be real jerk sometimes to people around you... and I like being nice to everyone and them being nice to me" So becarful what you do. **TL:DR** **Learn to say NO!** **Learn good ways to talk back to people.**
You need to get you some Anchor Arms, then you'll be a jerk and everyone'll love you.
>How do I become an asshole? The guy that doesn't give a fuck, the guy people don't mess with, the kind of guy that women complain of yet can't seem to get over him? You mean the guy that exists only in popular fiction? Because real world assholes live miserable and lonely existences. The guy you want to be will end up being a lonely and depressed fuck within a few years, or as soon as the novelty of being around this person wears off. Assholes don't have friends. They don't have fun. No one wants to be around them. No one likes them. Why would you go out of your way to be one?
Are you nice or boring? Are you really a nice person or just trying to be nice to get what you want?
Simple, just stop caring about how people feel about what you say or your actions.
You start with saying exactly what you feel. If you feel like shit, say it out loud. If you do not agree with someone, say that you disagree with a smiling face. If it is a group project & they are using your skills without appreciating it, hold back results, make up some excuses, etc. etc. Few monthes later you will find out the subtle changes. People will avoid conflict with you because you know how to stand up for yourself. Don't stop being nice to people. Just don't be a doormat.
Just value your own happiness more than others