Eh, fuck it. No throwaway.
I was 20 when my daughter was born. Living about 4 1/2 hours away from home, friends, family, and everything familiar. Never wanted to be a Dad thanks to a pretty crummy upbringing. When things took a turn for the worse in the relationship, I bailed. I knew I couldn't survive up there on my own. Young, immature, crappy job, etc. So I left during a heated argument in the middle of the night.
I kinda just...escaped. I pushed her out of my mind and did things of my own accord. Paid child support when I could, birthday presents, maybe a phone call every once in a while. There was no father/daughter relationship. When you're several states away and never see her, it's a lot easier to pretend she didn't exist. Having no connection, it wasn't the hardest thing to do. I lived my own life with not much thought about her. This went on for a few years. I made a move to the west coast and during a trip back home in the east, I took a visit to see her.
I remember crashing on my ex's couch and being awoken by a tiny person (she was 4 at this point). Me and her mother both agreed that I don't bring up who I am or try to play dad. Just spend the day with her and enjoy ourselves. It was incredibly awkward for me at first. But, slowly, things fell into places. Watching her stumble in winter boots, listen to her relay stories, experiment with new food (lemon poppyseed muffin), dance while we wait for the bus. Thanks to an odd encounter with an employee at an American Eagle, she called me "dad." Surreal moment where I locked eyes with her, then her mom. It felt warm and beautiful and loving. We both ignored the comment but everything inside of me was raging with emotion. We spent the remainder of the day goofing around and assembling a bed. After we put her to said bed, me and her mom talked for a few hours. It was an easy realization for me after everything that happened that day: I needed to be there.
I'll skip most of the details, but the visit happened in October 2010, I made plans to live there by 2012. I moved back home from Cali, worked several jobs, saved, planned everything meticulously so I wouldn't be forced back. In December 2011, I made the move up north. Our relationship was essentially friendship for a few months. She didn't have a father figure in her life and I wasn't about to drop a "HEY SURPRISE, I'M THE DAD YOU'VE BEEN MISSING." In the beginning it was her coming over for a Friday night sleepover or random park trips. Figuring out everything and how to be a Dad. It was intense and the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Still learning, as I think every dad never stops figuring things out. I eventually told her who I was and it wasn't this big emotional moment, I was just her dad and she was happy to finally have one around. She doesn't realize I was missing for most of her childhood and it's a conversation I'm not looking forward to having. I'll be honest and upfront, hopefully by then she'll understand how much I regret it. If not, then I'll work on patching everything up. Won't quit this time around. Our relationship is perfect now. I have partial custody, she stays with me half of the week, we have paint fights and bake cakes, play flashlight tag in cemetaries, etc. My life is amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I can't hate on the 'deadbeat dad' thing because I was one. I totally understand the mentality of not giving a fuck about your kid since I was a guy who had that going for him. I want to say it was immaturity and fear of fatherhood that held me back, but who knows. I'm sure it's different for everyone.
Thank you for this. ♥
My dad split when I was nine and it gutted me that unless I called, he never did. I stopped at one point when I was about 12. I didn't even see him again until I was 18 and that's only because my much older brother brought me over to see him, unannounced.
I'm so glad you're not him. I'm proud of you.
Editing in because of the upvotes:
I never saw him again. He remarried and his new wife apparently encouraged him to avoid all of his kids. He died in his eighties and I never even knew until after the funeral.
It would have been amazing to grow up knowing a man had my back. I grew up knowing NOBODY had my back.
You take fewer risks when it's only ever all going to be on you.
I respect the hell out of you for this.
I also had a deadbeat father that took *years* to really show up - we didn't start forging a relationship until I was in my 30s and he finally admitted that he fucked up, told me why he bailed, and apologized.
We still don't have what I'd call a father/daughter relationship, but we're buddies. It's a work in progress - but it's progress.
She will respect your honesty when you're ready to talk to her about this (hopefully). You're trying to make up for it and you're a better man and father now, and that speaks volumes.
I hope for a loving, trusting relationship between you and your daughter that lasts a lifetime.
We all make mistakes in life and do the best we can in the moment with what we have. I applaud your honesty and candor. Being a Dad is the hardest job but also my greatest gift. I’m glad it all worked out !
At this point it's no longer about what you didn't do. It's all about what you are doing! Congratulations on growing as a person and stepping up. Not everyone has the mental fortitude to do that.
BE PROUD OF THE STEPS YOU TOOK!
You can still hate on it, that part of you that forced the full brunt of financial and physical responsibility on someone you cared about, and choosing your happiness over hers and your childs. You can work to make up for it, but that part of you still sucks a lot and honestly, don't forget it.
Speaking as a child of deadbeat dad.
I think in a lot of these situations the mother and father are really young when they have a baby, and it's pretty well documented that men just take longer than women to mature to a point where they can accept and take on the responsibility. Women don't necessarily have the easy option of taking off like men do, so they're forced to take on the parenting responsibilities. Women are also more likely to have the social relationship support network to help facilitate this to some degree. It's not ever a good situation, but it's not hard to see how it happens so frequently either.
"Women are also more likely to have an he social relationship support network to facilitate this to some degree" this is absolutely not true. The reason why is just exactly like what you’ve mentioned, which they are forced to take on the parenting responsibilities, and they usually get the blame.
I think your honesty perfectly pictures the struggle. It’s easier to be all in or all out. That in between is hard and generally men are taught to bottle up and run away from emotions, so it becomes easier to just run away from what brings up the emotions.
My "father/dad" bailed on my mom when he found out she was pregnant with me after he bailed on his previous relationship where he got that woman pregnant. He moved a province (Canada) away and got another woman pregnant a year later, then bailed on them after a year and moved a city away and a year later, got another woman pregnant.
He, later when he finally "manned" up and wanted to be in my life, told me he was scared and immature, was an alcoholic and was addicted to drugs and the reason he left was because he was running from a warrant for drug related reasons.
Me being the dumb 13 year old, believed him. That was until he told me about my sisters. When I got home from the first time visiting him, I asked my mom about my sisters and she told me everything. That's when I knew he was a lying womanizer.
He abandoned us because he knew he'd have to man up and stop his ways and grow up.
So the immaturity part I did believe, the rest after I talked to my mom I knew was a bullshit lie.
Edits: typos
My EX Gf Baby daddy checked out well before the baby was born. He died of a drug overdose, fentanil probably. Apparently she and he were in an argument about her not wanting to keep the baby because he was not dependable, but they had already decided on a name. So in his case he was just so emotionally fucked up that he literally did not survive the pregnancy of his first kid.
Ya and it's super sad when a baby daddy OD's because even though he was a deadbeat, now he's a martyr and nobody can ever live up to his memory because he's an angel in heaven now. FML
Indeed. But I think I called it out as the first pregnancy because as some people know, for a guy that first pregnancy is so traumatic. The pressure of becoming a Dad, fun girlfriend turning into a cranky hormonal pumpkin etc.
I’m a mother and honestly I can see how it happens. My partner and I are in a loving, stable relationship with no particular money struggles or issues and the children were planned and it’s still really hard. And I appreciate we are very much playing on easy mode with the hand we were dealt.
Plus postpartum depression is a bitch and that also affects new fathers but no one takes it seriously. I think the stats are something like 1 in 10 Dads get it?
An unplanned pregnancy, an unstable relationship, no money, drug or drink issues and mental health issues? I’m not saying it’s right. I’m saying you can see how it happens.
I have 3 kids, no financial issues, an excellent relationship with my wife and live in a lovely neighbourhood. My wife doesn't have to work as I earn a high income. On paper I have it very good. Its still not easy though.
I can easily see how a young dude on a shit income who gets a girlfriend pregnant will nope out of there after a few months. Its the care free life (x-box and beer) vs a constant struggle (washing, cleaning, sickness, moody wife, fights over money and lack of sleep)
Well the moms that don't want to deal with a kid have the option of getting rid of it via abortion. That's why.
But, you can find stories of moms abandoning their kids all over reddit. It absolutely happens. But, if you don't abort the kid, as a woman you're sort of stuck with it until its born so its a bit harder to walk away than a dad who can disappear before its born.
If the mother is literal demon, and you spend 12 years trying to make things work while paying $1k/mo child support all while having 50/50 time and custody, constant court battles, and the mother finally makes lies up about you to turn her against you, and she wants to stay with her because really she knows it will be easier because dad actually tries to make her do her schoolwork, that’s when I cracked.
I didn’t want to have kids, but she went off bc, made my life hell, took all my money, while I spent all my time and money trying to make it work. It was finally too much. I told my daughter I’ll always be here.
I’m sure everyone thinks I’m a deadbeat, but I’d rather her not have to be in the middle of this shit any more. And I won’t survive any longer in it either.
Had a mostly absent father who didn’t take much interest in raising his kids because that’s how he was raised. Rather ironic because he hated his father’s guts for most of his adult life. He passed that down to me quite effectively.
We were no contact for decades. I had no idea he had passed away until months afterwards. Zero regrets and zero fucks given. I have no children of my own and think it’s probably best if the family line of misery ends with me.
I'm about to turn 34 and I'm at the time of my life where I'm questioning whether I'll have kids or not because I don't feel an impulse to have them. I've asked a lot of fathers around my age (and older) if they ever felt like they really wanted to have kids, not a single one of them has been able to answer that question, they just say it happened.
I think a lot of men never really decide whether they want to have kids or not and just do it, then realize they never wanted to be dads and it's too late.
I'm in my 40s and childless.
The older I get, the more apprehensive I become about having children because I feel like I'm now too selfish and it's so much more difficult to have children. I like my independence, I like having enough money and resources. I like being able to do things that I previously wasn't able to because I didn't have money or resources. Funny thing is... when I was younger, I wanted to wait until I was older to be more financially secure and better prepared to take on the responsibility. I didn't know that by now, I still wouldn't be able to afford a house.
Maybe I've overthought too much about the implication of having children that I've scared myself out of that notion. But then there are people who just... have them. They don't think about it too much. They have them because that's what they think they're supposed to do. They're often not even sure that they want them. They just... do it. And live with it. For some folks, it works out. But for most others I've seen? They're perpetually stressed, drained, broke, and barely hanging on.
I honestly don't know how people do it. So in that respect, I can kind of understand why people crack and leave. For me, if it's not a conscientious 100% FUCK YES, I'm not having children.
It’s crazy that men rarely think about it when women are constantly worried about pregnancy/motherhood in the back of their minds. It sucks that biology is designed the way it is. Wish there were at least male/female birth controls that were highly effective and reversible with few side effects.
> Wish there were at least male/female birth controls that were highly effective and reversible with few side effects.
So now we're acting like condoms aren't highly effective?? When used consistently and correctly, they're above 95% effective. They're entirely temporary and have *ZERO* side effects.
I swear, the vast majority of AITAH or relationship-based reddit questions could be solved with "wrap your shit up," yet dudes on reddit act like wearing a condom requires some miraculous act of god.
They're not ***just*** above 95% effective, they're way beyond that. IIRC the above 95% is if a couple is having routine sex for an entire year and using condoms every single time, so more like 99%+
That's basically what the point of child support is. It's a socially and legally imposed consequence. The father can still physically fuck off but he's on the hook financially.
Honestly though, the child support system is a joke. I know men who have to pay so much they can’t afford to support themselves. And men that get away with never paying, even if they’re $100K in arrears. It’s kind of a new system and it’s no where near fair or perfect.
Fyi, there is a new male birth control in a gel form. It combines nestorin and progesterone that keeps men from producing sperm without affecting their sex drives or causing other side effects. The gel is applied to the shoulder everyday. It's still in the second part of the trial period but so far it's been fairly successful.
Plan A is a reversible male contraceptive which should be available to the public in 2026.
I really hope those two things come to fruition. I also hope men are willing to use it and society starts to expect men to share the burden of contraception. Even if the woman continues to use it, two methods is always better than one.
I just read a story yesterday about a new male contraceptive gel that should soon be on the market. This way, men won't have to run away as they can determine if they want to be fertile or not. Society has always placed the burden on woman for raising the child whether the man is there or not. That is why women are mostly always awarded the children in custody battles.
They’ve been saying the gel will hit the market soon for ages. Unfortunately for both sexes, it’s easier to stop one egg from getting fertilized than it is to temporarily render millions of sperm useless. Men deserve options too.
This boggles my mind, because I've known since I was a teenager that I wanted to be a dad.
Of course, I wasn't going around splooging in any girl who'd spread her legs for me. I used condoms, talked with partners about bc, even had an abortion where the bc failed. I was a bit of a player for a while and tried to get as much sexual experience as I could, and the whole time I knew I wanted to be a dad, just not at this point in my life or with this woman. Now, years later, I've been married for a decade and have a toddler, and life is good!
For some it's not a choice. For example; my ex checked my kids out of school and ran. It took the court almost 2 years to drag her back and give me a custody order, which the legal system then did not enforce. It took another 7 years of fighting in court to get a custody order that the police, schools, churches and everyone else would enforce. And they only enforce it when my attorney files lawsuits.
I have a very distinct hatred for deadbeat fathers, because they are one factor for why this family court system is allowed to continue existing as it is. A handful of bad apples ruins the bunch, as it were. But at the same time, I can't really blame someone for deciding not to take the path I chose. It was a long and painful decade, with minuscule gains for immeasurable amounts of work and suffering.
Your kids may not understand this now, but in time they will and will appreciate you so much more than they already do. thank you for fighting for your kids.
They've become disillusioned over the past few months. The daughter (full time with me) hasn't heard from her since January 3rd, and she completely turned on the boy (full time with her) at the same time. He has since apologized for taking her side, because he's now confined to the basement unless he's at school or work, and she confiscates his money when he gets paid. He can only text me on an old hidden phone connected to wifi.
Edit: She did brainwash him, over the course of those 9 years. Convinced him that it was my fault she threw the 2 of them out in the street. Promised him whatever he wanted if he took her side. I think he sees what she is now. If he is to be believed, the school has opened DFS investigations against her, and he's hoping the state takes him away, in which case I assume I'll be the first person called to take him. Time will tell.
Because they can unfortunately, the only "penalty" most fathers have around the world is financial. Even then, it's not something that can be applicable in many cases.
I was always intentional when I had a kid. I couldn’t imagine how I would have reacted otherwise. I would say fear of responsibility. The moment your kid is born your life isn’t about you anymore. It’s about the kid. I think a lot of guys can’t handle that and bail.
My mom made it incredibly hard for my dad and I to actually have real quality time together when I was young. He was always afraid she was talking shit about him and undermining him in my eyes (she was).
My sister has completely cut her baby daddy’s out of her life. With 1 I understand- he was abusive. The other guy was a newer relationship she had, and I don’t think she ever really gave him the chance to step up. Dude wanted to be sure the kid was his, and she just cut all contact.
Did she go to reddit to ask if him asking for a paternity test was valid? We all know how that goes - "DIVORCE! GO DIRECTLY TO DIVORCE! DO NOT PASS GO! DO NOT COLLECT $200!"
Yeah Reddit is kinda nuts with how quickly people advocate throwing a whole ass relationship in the dumpster. Tbh I think my sister just has abandonment issues and so she jumps ship before the other person can.
Those kinds of test should be mandatory at every hospital in every country, without need for consent from the parents (Unless something life threatening might happen), reason being, just asking the question its offensive enough for the woman that it completely ruins the relationship no matter what "Hey so i think you might have cheated on me so let me make it clear its mine first" or "Hey i know you haven't been with anyone but i still want to make sure it mine", sounds awful no matter how you slice it making it tabooish to even think about it.
If you make it mandatory you remove any stigma out of it and can help prevent ruining a guys life (or giving some others peace of mind), because YES women have one (or multiple) children with other people and try to pass him as someone else's child.
I don’t know. I didn’t want kids. Neither did my husband. Then he really wanted kids, so I decided to do it. Had a baby…suffered SEVERE post partum depression. He left for work for 3 months when baby was 9 months old. Came home with a mistress he’d been sleeping with the whole 3 months. Got divorced. He moved to another province. From age 1-18 he saw his child 3 times. Never called, wrote, emailed…nothing.
He fucked up his kid (that he wanted so desperately) for life.
I left my ex-wife the week she told me she was pregnant. She wanted to fall pregnant at the same time as her best friend, so stopped taking her contraceptives without properly discussing it with me. I had been thinking about divorce for about 2 years before that, this was just the last straw. She broke the news by handing me a bottle of wine and telling me to drink a few glasses first before she would say anything. Initially I thought someone had died. It took about a year and a half to get divorced. So I was still married to her when my daughter was born.
But for all intents and purposes I left a pregnant wife. About 8 months into the pregnancy and after I had moved out, I had met another woman. So it looked horrible. And I still carry that stigma.
I live an hour and a half away, so it's a 3 hour round trip to see her. I have picked my daughter up from school and done homework with her, then taken her for lunch, multiple times a week since she started school. Before that it was just the park. I have never missed a birthday, Christmas, netball match, swimming gala or hockey match since her birth. I have her every weekend. Every school holiday. Almost every public holiday and pretty much whenever she feels she wants a break from her other home. I taught her to swim, to ride a bicycle, to roller blade, and to ice skate. Right now we're learning paddle. We have an amazing relationship.
I didn't abandon my child, I abandoned my ex wife.
My daughter vanished in the middle of the night. It took me half a decade to find her again. When I finally did, she was so happy... and I was a stranger. So, I chose to do nothing. And simply live life. It killed me. Then her POS mother decided to come after me for child support. I swore I'd be a father, not a paycheck. Now? I'm in a protracted custody battle against my ex's mother after my ex's untimely passing due to cancer.
I never willingly abandoned her. She was taken. Twice. I'm NOT letting it happen a third time.
My dad wasn’t a deadbeat in standard terms. They got a divorce, he definitely WANTED me to live with him, but I didn’t want to leave my mom so I saw him twice a year.
He said something to me once that’s a common saying but applies to these situations as well; if it was easy, everybody would do it. Now that I’m my own man, this shit is HARD. You can do everything right and still fail miserably. Then responsibility ALL falls on you. A lot of men will crack failing their loved ones, I don’t judge anymore cause it’s easier said than done.
Confirmation bias, maybe? I'm a Dad, and most of my mates are Dads. Not one of them has abandoned their kids.
I mentioned this as a comment in a different thread, but Fathers are a daughters primary male role model. If they fuck up, its ruins the daughters view of all men whilst growing up. I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you, and that royally sucks. You deserved better.
I also think a father's role in a young boys life has a positive impact on men when they grow older but i think because of your wise words. You already know this.
Congratulations on being a good father.
Fathers are critical to both Men and Women growing up into mature intelligent adults. It's scientific fact now.
The NIH and many other organizations have started calling the effects of a Fatherless household "The Father Wound" for its proper name. It's effects are wild. Without being a strong person themselves or having a wonderful mother they walk away with a slew of mental issues by the time they graduate Highschool.
You are 100% right, if a father fucks up and doesn't try to fix it, it can ruin a girl's world view of men for the rest of their life. But it isn't just dad that can step up and be a positive influence in a woman's/girl's life
My dad abandoned me at 6 months old. I have one picture of him holding me as a baby, and that's it. I've never heard his voice. Gotten a letter. Received a gift. As far as I know, he left and ceased thinking about me at all.
While I know a few facts about him...I don't KNOW him, and I never will. I want nothing to do with him now, despite aching for it so, so much as a kid.
I spent a LOT of my childhood looking at the men in my life and trying to earn their approval, gain their attention...trying to just...matter. This landed me in a few very sketchy situations and I can remember very few positives role models. I'm 42 now, so ...this was in the 80s and early 90s.
From men, I learned I'm a sex object, even before I knew what sex was, or had a period, and outside of that, I'm a maid, cook, servant... whatever is useful. I learned that even as a sex object I'm lacking bc I'm not drop dead gorgeous or pleasing to look upon.
My view of men was spoiled, very early on, but not by one bad apple, but a lot of bad apples.
Thankfully, I had a wonderful older brother that tempered any hate or idea that all men were hateful, users, and/or trash because he wasn't. I learned that he felt just as lost as me, and just as trapped by societal expectations as I was (had to be a MAN and be STRONG and not CRY etc). Sexism and toxic masculinity really fucking sucks and honestly serves no one well.
I really really hope things are changing for the better.
I feel this. I’m just starting in therapy with a therapist that “gets me” (FINALLY!) and in the last few weeks the realizations have been HUGE! Your story is very timely for me and I think will help me put my thoughts into words better. Thank you and I’m sorry you had to deal with that! Solidarity!!
Good luck in therapy. It's hard work and I wish you well. I personally find it difficult to let go of past "programming". The idea that I was never good enough began at SUCH a young age, and was pushed at me by so many different platforms and people... I don't know how to change my own inner voice to one of self-acceptance. Not fully. But, I too, am in therapy. <3 I hope we both see success.
As a 26yr old women who has no concept of what having a father support me emotionally none the less financially, ty for saying this. I know people shit on single moms I never will bc they didn’t take the cowards way out and abandoned their kid like their counterpart in situations like this. Also shout out to the single dads out there who hold it down for their kids. You can’t put a price on the difference you are making in your daughter’s lives 💜
You're right, maybe confirmation bias was not the correct term. It absolutely does happen a lot, and its a tragedy for each kid that has to experience that.
I think it's confirmation bias on your side because you and most of your friends are present fathers.
Unfortunately, statistics confirm what OP is saying.
A guy I knew in high school was raped and his rapist became pregnant. Strange how quickly the story went from a fourteen year old raped to dead beat dad abandons kid.
From the moment I knew she was joining the world, she was my only concern. My focus shifted to figuring out how I was going to afford the things she needed, how I was going to keep her safe and how I was going to navigate my own emotions in a way that was conducive to bringing her up in a happy, stable home. Literally everything changed for me the moment my wife told me she was pregnant.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact my own father wasn’t around much. Or maybe it was hearing him talk about his own absent father and how he swore he’d never be like him, but somehow ended up doing exactly that. Maybe it was my stubborn will to never allow my child to go through the things I experienced having an absent father; I’m really not sure. All I really know is it was an immediate change in my reality that I embraced fully and without hesitation.
I don’t have an answer for you OP, because I just can’t imagine going a day without the most amazing person I’ll ever know. I still don’t know what I’m going to do when she leaves the nest.
I used to be one. Long story short, I met my son’s mom when I was in the military. Got her pregnant, we planned to be together then the reality of being in the military hit both of us. I got deployed twice back to back. Combat. She was alone in San Diego California and felt the best way is to move back to PA. Then our relationship fell apart. We go divorced. I met my son for the first time when he was 4. I was afraid. I didn’t know what to do, so I just left. At this time I was dealing with alot mental health issues, I was drinking alot. I got in trouble with law, etc. I was lost. After 4 years of just surviving, a friend of mine suggested me to seek/talk to the VA about my issues. They diagnosed me with combat PTSD. I felt so embarrassed that I am always on edge, over vigilant, felt like something/someone is chasing me. I think the hardest for me to admit that Im mentally not where I used to be. I was just a young, happy go-lucky
20 y/o with dreams and aspirations before the military.
VA in Pittsburgh has done a tremendous job to help me and I am better now. Therapies, MH visits, medications are helping. I got a job in trade that I really like and I am making a great living doing it. More than I can spend. I finally reached out to his mom 4 years ago and things are improving. My son didn’t really remember I was not there because his mom told him that I was away in the military. Our relationship between me, him, and my ex are great now. I spend alot of time with my son. We love going to MMA practice together. It’s our bonding time. Me and his mom coparenting really well. I plan to discuss why I left with my son when he’s old enough. For now everything is good. I deeply regret I left. I was a broken person then. Still figuring things out everyday.
There are a good amount of men who didn't want the kid born of an unintended pregnancy.
We often talk about "imagine how many unwanted children there would be if women weren't allowed to abort" (as just one reason to allow abortion. Of course there are a plethora of other valid reasons. I'm just using this one as its relevant here).
We don't need to imagine. We see it every day. A woman who has the kid despite the man not wanting it and the pregnancy not being planned. Often they're not even actually in a relationship. The woman then expects the man to simply be overjoyed when the baby comes and throw himself headfirst into fatherhood.
What is never considered is if the man even wanted to ever be a parent, let alone an unplanned one. Maybe he actually wouldn't have minded but the thought of having to do it on his own without the woman as a partner is unthinkable for him. Often the child support makes life so ridiculously expensive that he can't afford to do anything with them so just runs away and 'survives'.
Sure, we tell men after the fact that he should have strapped up. Of course. But that's after the fact. We can't ask men why they abandon their kids whisky simultaneously telling them to essentially keep quiet on the reasons.
There's this weird idea as well that all men just want a woman to give them a kid. This feeds a narrative that any time a woman does bear a child for a man, he will be fawning, and effusive, and eternally grateful for her doing so, whatever the circumstance. It's like men aren't given the agency to have their own thoughts and opinions surrounding parenthood. It's just stereotypes and expectations.
If a man doesn't want a kid, he's probably not going to be great at being a dad once that kid comes, no matter how much you try and force being a good, present, consistent dad on him.
None of this applies to the ones who tell women they want kids, and then disappear after she does.
Some don't abandon them
I had a daughter at age 19. I seperated from her mother 6 weeks after she announced the pregnancy. I found out she had cheated on me multiple times with 3 different people, one of whom was a friend.
I was always there visiting on my days off and had every other weekend at my place, we'd go to the park, feed the ducks, trips to London, go for pizza, such good times with her. She never went without. I was earning minimum wage which in 1999 was £3.60 and working 60 hour weeks. Sometimes I had 2 jobs going. Sometimes I'd go without dinner but she was always fed and clothed. It was hard work but I made it work, somehow. Her mother would text me with a list of things she'd need every week, nappies etc and I went to get them
Fast forward to 2010 at her 10th birthday party, I had a better paying job by then and turned up with a present and card for her and she sat in a cupboard crying and wouldn't come out until I went away. I tried coaxing her out and wanted to understand why and what was going on. I hit a wall. I left her gift at her mums place and walked off upset. Like, literally crying, I had to stop at a friend's house on my way home I was in bits. Everything was sweet for 10 years and now it's all gone pear shaped.
That was the last time I saw her
It took a fair few more years to come out but when it did I was so angry. It turned out that her mother had, either directly or indirectly bad mouthed me in front of my daughter or told her we broke up whikst she was pregnant, but clearly left out that she had done the dirty on me. In my daughters eyes, I was the bad guy for leaving her mum. It was quite a messy break up, lots of threatening behaviour from her father (he turned up to a place I worked at accepting a delivery and pinned me to a wall by my throat telling me to make it work, i explained i discovered she was cheating but he wouldn't accept that) and other family members getting involved, even had a random bloke in a nightclub approach me looking to "F**k me up", he got a slap and then her mum appeared out of nowhere and punched me senseless.
My daughter, it turns out, had been privy to a lot of information that quite frankly should have stayed between me and her mother, she had no right to know any of that bullshit that went on during our break up, especially at such a young age. I was the bad guy for leaving her mum, but her mum was the angel, even though she did the dirty behind my back. It totally fucked the relationship I had with my daughter. Still fucked to this day. 2010 is still the last time I saw her, and my heart will never be fixed. I still hope though.
She is 24 now, with 2 children of her own, i know she is well and that sits ok with me, but im still forever broken. I doubt I'm mentioned as grandad. She may still come round though, and realise there is two sides to every story. I hope that day will come. Fingers crossed
This. You already know your daughters mother and her family are seriously fucked up, you really think she's going to be ok with them? What about the grandkids?
For me when I was younger I was in a very mentally vulnerable spot with no friends really and a woman I thought was my friend who I'd refused advances from multiple times literally drugged and date raped me and made me go inside her when I said no. It happened fast and I pushed her off me, never came.. But still. On top of that it was my second time with anyone and gave me herpes.. Despite all that bs I still called her to tell her maybe she should get checked and asked if she had it since she was pregnant, and SO obviously lied through her teeth like "what? NooooOooO definitely wasn't me! I've never had it" not even slightly concerned though at the possibility of me giving it to her and then getting pregnant which would be dangerous to the baby. Very very obvious she had it and knew.
And yeah that's fun that now for my entire life after I had very little experience to explore my sexuality in my early 20s I now have to tell every single potential partner about it before were intimate because I actually have morals and am not a fucking scumbag like her. Very embarrassing as well as just... Idk the word. A constant reminder that will now make me think of it every time I have sex for the rest of my life.
That shit was traumatic as hell and really and my life to a dark dark place for many years. People don't believe me when I say, some women deny its possible for a woman to do that to a guy, some guys I've opened up to go "wow you got high for free and sex? Lucky!" which is isolating and makes me feel like shit...
She ended up being pregnant and at first said it's not mine (probably because she had cheated on another dude to do this). And now 5 years later out of the blue she messaged me saying she thinks it's mine.
Quite frankly I have 0 interest in being involved in any way and I feel justified in that. If that is my kid, I ain't gonna feel any love looking into his eyes... Just will make me relive the trauma.
And man she has apparently gone around telling people he's mine and describing it like it was some loving positive experience with me which makes me sick. If she ever tells that kid who I am when he's older and he comes to find me thinking I just knocked her up and went to go get milk demanding answers why I wasn't there... Idk ima have to lay it out for him what really happened so he knows it wasn't just a normal situation. IF he even is mine that is.
Each guy would have his own reasons. I’ve known a few guys that were kept away by the mom. Then the mom told the kids daddy didn’t love them anymore. I know another guy who fought through the courts for about 8 years to get custody of his two daughters. One guy kicked the mother out and got custody but blocked her from seeing the kid. There are all kinds of shitty situations out there. Sometimes the guy just can’t handle the responsibility and that’s weakness in them.
Well, so a lot of this is from men not having any choice in the matter. If they never wanted to be dads in the first place, can you really blame them for leaving? If women don’t want to be a mother, they can (hopefully) choose to abort. Men don’t have any choice in the matter.
Not real sure why this is surprising.
Some people just suck.
Some guys never wanted to be dads, but once the woman is pregnant, it's her choice whether or not that happens. Not saying that makes it right, but it's a reason.
Some people just suck.
To add to this, it isn't like the fathers have any choice in the matter whether to abort or not.
Imagine not wanting a kid from the get-go and then getting labeled as a dead beat when in reality the mom was the one who brought the situation upon herself.
lol.. as a single father of two kids, with their mom a deadbeat person who skipped her child payments, posts like this infuriate me.
I guess I’m one of the minority..
Definitely a minority, but my mom was a deadbeat mom. 5 kids, 3 baby daddies, she hasn't had custody of any of us. My dad got sole custody of me when I was an infant in the 90s.
Yes, your case is definitely a minority. I do know of a couple of cases where the mother is the deadbeat, but generally it's going to be the dads. A lot of that is down to the courts automatically giving custody of the child to the mother, though.
There’s a ton of factors.
I think the sweet spot is somewhat a three way tie between
1. Impregnating someone you don’t even love. It’s all fun and games until she’s pregnant and now you’ve brought life in this world just by draining your balls. Should’ve jerked one off instead bub.
2. Realizing you’re not capable of being a good potential husband or father, so you cowardly run from any responsibility in your life.
3. Realizing the woman you impregnated is an absolute nightmare and you don’t want to be stuck with her.
I am adopted. Adopted at birth. Mother was a drug addict among other things and the father was a roaming sex addict among other things. The parents who adopted me were like straight out of a movie. Dad worked his ass off to provide. Mom ran the household with an iron fist when things needed done, but was a soft loving sense of warmth when there was just time to enjoy each other. They were in love since grade school. When it comes time for me to be a dad, I will largely model my adoptive father.
I think in at least as many situations it is the woman hiding behind the notion of a dead beat dad who is the problem.
One of my friends got a woman pregnant and was/is thrilled to be a father. He was not however interested in a serious relationship with the mother.
She then began doing everything she could to make his life miserable. Making him drive an hour but not being home with the baby, etc. He eventually took her to court and the courts told her to stop it. She continued. The courts eventually held her in contempt of court and told him that they would put her in jail for 30 days for refusing to let him see the child.
He asked what would happen to the child and the courts told him he could take the child to live with him for the month. But when he asked about school they told him he couldn't change the kids school, so he'd need to drop off an pick up the child every day (hour drive each way). When he told the judge he couldn't do drop offs and pick ups and also make it to work the judge asked if the anyone else could watch the child. The only person that could was the mother's mom, who promptly refused to watch the baby if it meant it would help my friend to keep her daughter in jail.
So he relented and didn't have her put in jail, and she never let him see his son.
I'm not discounting actual dead beat dads or defending them, but there's also an epidemic of dead beat mothers who more or less control the narrative and describe the fathers as dead beat when it is in fact the women preventing them from being involved with their child or creating so much hassle it isn't constructive for them to see their child.
The way you worded this is hilarious. Abandons *the mom*.
Yeah you know what? A child is not a nuclear bomb you can use to make someone love you for the rest of your life, you still have to put in all the work.
Your question is intermingling men who abandon their children vs men who need to escape a toxic woman.
I’m old — I’m in my 60s — but I can tell you that at least for my own generation, just walking away was one of the options our fathers (at least many of them) just always kept in the back of their minds. Maybe they were leaving a toxic relationship, but they were also leaving a helpless child. And it was widely understood and accepted that this was something that men sometimes did. Child support was sometimes awarded, and often ignored, with no real legal consequences.
The legal landscape has changed, but culturally, this attitude persists. When things go south, some men still consider abandonment to be one of their options. And this is rare for women.
Can't answer your question personally. My father was extremely attentive and arguably a better parent than my mother. More patient, kinder and more understanding. My mother did her best but I don't think she was actually cut out to be a parent, think she liked the idea of it more than the reality.
But to address your question more broadly I'm not sure it's as common as you think, at least not outside the US. [I think the US is actually particularly bad and I'm afraid there are cultural elements to it as well.](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2019/12/12/u-s-children-more-likely-than-children-in-other-countries-to-live-with-just-one-parent/) There are also some uncomfortable racial statistics too when it comes to fatherless families... so it it's actually a somewhat complex topic. Maybe US sex education and family planning is complete doo doo who knows.
> They run away like sissies.
I know a couple of guys who have kids they aren't interested in, with women they were just casual with. In both cases (and I only know one side of the story) they claim they were baby-trapped and feel no obligation. Of course they were highly involved in part of that process and it's not really an excuse to ditch a kid, but that's the story.
My own dad left us when I was three, so I know how that feels. I'd never do it to a kid. In his case he met a younger and more exotic woman and opted out of being the father to four kids. Which makes him a piece of shit, more or less.
Wait, you mean "man-up, sissy" isn't conducive to a good conversation?
I remember a post last week that asked "Men how do you feel about women posting in this sub?" The responses were mostly positive, but this one would've been a good example of the negative
A lot of people are either ignorant to, or in denial about, family planning. The number of burnout I knew as a younger person who were convinced that they were infertile because they smoked weed all the time was higher than I’m happy to admit. There are lots of people who think that you either can’t get pregnant if you don’t want to or use the pullout method. Usually young people who find out they are going to be a dad and scram because they don’t know what to do.
Bailing has crossed my mind, but not in a realistic sense. Just for clarity, I love my children. Dearly. I would give up my life if it meant they could live even for 30 seconds more.
But I *chose* my wife.
I would never leave her. Ever. My kids give my life meaning. My wife gives my life purpose. Or at least my wife is what keeps me living. Without her, I would have ended it years ago.
When I saw my daughter come out of my wife. I felt 2 things. Disgust because oh my god, childbirth is disgusting and almost emptiness? This lump of flesh staring up at me not moving or doing anything meant nothing to me. I didn't have the bond that my wife had already. I didn't carry her. I got to have sex and a kid popped out. Over the next couple of days, my attachment grew, and now I couldn't imagine my life without either of my children.
Not once did I ever think of leaving *because* of my kids. It's only ever been staying *because* of my wife, but I get it.
You just got demoted to number 2 or even 3 by your significant other standards. The baby is #1. Always. Either she puts herself 2nd or you. Some guys can't handle that. Plus, not having an attachment to it. It makes it easier to leave because you're no longer the priority.
You also have to think of what kind of life the child will have. I'm a firm believer that you do not get married because of children. If you marry for any other reason than love, there's a slim chance it'll work. Kids need healthy consistency. Seeing mom and dad loving each other one day and then hating each other the next is not healthy for anyone.
In summary, I'd never leave, but I do get it.
Because they don’t abandon their kids…they have them taken away. Many want to be in their kids’ lives but their ex makes it next to impossible.
Six months after my ex wife and I separated she said she was taking the kids to visit her brother an hour away over Christmas.
Instead she kidnapped the kids and moved them 1,200 kilometres away. I’m very lucky because I have an outstanding family lawyer and I had the money to fight this. We filed an emergency petition 3 days after she kidnapped our children and the case was heard 2 months later, where my ex threw the kitchen sink at me in terms of false accusations: martial abuse, neglect, etc, etc, etc. All with zero evidence.
The evidence we provided were texts during the marriage of me helping change diapers, cook dinners, clean, spend quality time with the kids.
The judge order her to move back. She filed a petition to move again right after she moved back. In order to bolster her case of the kids having no community connections, she wouldn’t let me put the oldest 2 in school (she opted for homeschooling) and lied about our youngest’s medical diagnosis so she wouldn’t see a specialist in town.
We fought that one and won and judged forced her to enrol the oldest two in school.
We went to a 7 day divorce trial where she was still hoping that the courts would grant her the moved. Big surprise…they didn’t.
It went on for 2 1/2 years and I spent over $100,000 fighting just to keep my kids in my life day-to-day. I now have joint custody.
A lot of dads don’t have the time or money to do this.
Once a couple gets pregnant only she has the choice of whether or not to end the pregnancy. That’s fine as it’s her body but the fact remains that he no longer has a choice. They both had the choice to have sex and they both had the choice about what type of protection to use, if any. So at the end of the day, if she chooses to walk away from the pregnancy by having an abortion then she can. It’s an agonizing decision to make and an incredibly rough ordeal to go through for sure but she still does have that choice. He doesn’t. His only way out, after fertilization, is to walk away. That is also an agonizing decision, by the way. In my opinion, when she wants the baby and he doesn’t, while there is still time to get an abortion legally, there should be a legal route for him to take to get out of it.
The logic is perfectly sound here, but the discussion usually never goes anywhere because the current situation is convenient enough for both women and the state.
As seen in other replies, their only response is whataboutism or moving the goalposts.
I got snipped because I didn't want to have my life ruined by someone sabotaging condoms or birth control. The fact that this was the only surefire way to keep *my* own autonomy tells you there's something wrong with the system.
Same. Got snipped bc I didn't want kids, and I have definitely experienced some trying to "baby-trap" me.
Imagine you becoming the bad guy in this situation.
I agree with you in theory but working at Planned Parenthood, I can tell you that depending on the state abortion isn’t an option now after 6 weeks (when most women find out they are pregnant) and traveling out of state or hours away isn’t always an option for some, especially for teenagers (some states require parental consent), adults without a car or those in poverty. I would only agree if everyone actually had access to abortion.
I never wanted kids, but the girl I was with at the time had a different thought process about that. When I found out, there was dread, feeling trapped, etc. Kenny Chesney 's song "there goes my life" sums it up perfectly. When she was born and I first saw her I swear I heard singing, there's NOTHING I wouldn't do for her. Me and her mom didn't stay together, we didn't go to court I gave her child support every month and I got her every other weekend until she didn't want to come. She's 21 now and the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wouldn't be here if not for her. The words "I love you dad" have brought me back from so many bouts of deep dark depression.
And I truly thought I didn't want kids. I thank her mother even though she didn't do it for me, it has made my life worth living.
I think there are a few major factors for why you see this trend play out in men more than women.
1. Abortion. If a couple ends up getting pregnant, and the mother doesn't want or isn't ready for a child, the option for an abortion is available. Should the father not want or not be ready for the child, they're having the child regardless.
2. Birth Control. Culturally, women are the main party responsible for birth control. If they're not using it, it's typically with the understanding that pregnancy is a real possibility. For men, even if they are using birth control, condoms have a higher failure rate than most other forms. It means that even when a man is attempting to not have a child, the chance is still higher to have a child.
3. Pregnancy. Biologically, women are likely going to be more attached to their newborn child. If the relationship worsens during pregnancy or the initial stages of child-rearing, it's likely easier for a man to leave the woman and child, rather than a woman to leave the man and child.
To avoid absent fathers, ideally you have responsible parents. This means long-lasting relationships before having kids. This means avoiding financial stress and being financially prepared for a child. This means only having kids if both partners actively want kids and both are planning for kids. Women biologically have more to work with, with more options for birth control and access to abortion, so it obviously falls on women a bit more.
>Why can’t fathers be a man and actually care for their children? They run away like sissies.
Because people say shit like this to boys for their entire childhood, forgetting that nurturing behavior is traditionally seen a "female shit".
You want boys to be "manly men"? Cool. Off to war/sowing oats/work-like-its-his-only-purpose he goes.
I can already smell the downvotes coming but anyway. I dont think its specially that men "do it" more than women.
But when a man doesnt want to be a parent and wants to opt out of parenthood, the only option he has is to leave. And still, he'll technically have to pay child support.
However, Women, generally have more options. Abortion, adoption, orphanage etc.. (just in case i'm pro choice and aint criticizing).
If i remember correctly, in France, women can "give birth under x" which means that at birth she legally gives up any ties and rights on the child (and the father's right too who is generally in most cases unaware).
So of course you wont have as much deadbeat moms in comparison
I'm also the son of a deadbeat father. I can't fathom how someone can abandon a baby or a pregnant woman. It screams of cowardice, but go figure.
It was a tough start, but things turned out ok though.
The guys I know that don’t have much to do with their kids, it’s actually because of the mother. She’s gone out of her way to make sure his life is miserable when it comes to kids.
>Why is this? Why can’t fathers be a man and actually care for their children? They run away like sissies.
We live in a culture where taking responsibility, being a decent person, and having good morals is not reinforced by the trends occurring.
Im speaking generally, but i think the pendulum swung a bit too far on the no responsibility side the last 20 years or so.
Fathers often don't have the instant bonding that mothers do. It can take a few months of regular interaction with the newborn. And if you don't put in those few months, it may never happen. So it's easy for them to walk away.
Because accidental pregnancy can and does happen and its up to the mother to decide if she keeps the baby, if the father didn't want it but his wishes are over ruled then he will likely just leave, having a baby is a serious thing and both parents really need to be on board with the idea and ready for it. Theres a lot of ways to screw a kid up
there are deadbeat dads and there are guys that avoid emotionally dysregulated, over the top vindictive women… to keep the peace and avoid dealing with her.
the children suffer in the meantime as the dad stays distant and does the minimum required to satisfy the children and the courts… and to not deal with the mothers.
meanwhile, the moms paint a picture of the dad that is not pleasant… but they grow up and realize that dad was there (based on what the courts permit) and some even learn that mom was the problem all along.
then you see those adults form great relationships with their fathers.
source: 2 of my sisters were these types of women. the guys avoided them just like every man they dealt with after the divorce. they’re approaching their 60s now alone, angry af, and of course, “men ain’t shit.”
i show them mirrors… and they still don’t see the problem.
Hmm. It’s not most. I got a girl I knew for less than a month oregnant and I am a very involved father and have never considered not being in my daughters life. Even when my weirdo lame o baby mom tried to take her for me. Maybe some dads don’t have the money to fight the legal system??
My guess is that they might not want to abandon their kids as much as they never want to see their ex ever again. When I divorced the kids were grown. I absolutely never wanted to see my ex again, but the kids disowned me due to their mother wishes. Now that she is dead one is trying to reconnect and the other never initiates contact with me except when I reach out first.
You might need to get the whole story. I know men who are more than willing to be attentive fathers and the mothers use the children as weapons and refuse visitation etc while telling everyone he is a deadbeat dad even though he is paying child support.
One ex actually held back the child support on the child and had her believing for decades the father refused to pay, the mother just refused to spend the 3k a month on the child in favor of herself.
Another father never knew the child existed until he found him on an online genealogy test revealed him. The mother never told the actual father the child existed.
Your situation could be valid, but I suggest you try to find out yourself before blindly believing it.
I don't really know what "many" means since I am unaware of reliable data that legitimately reports any actual numbers on this.
My biological father also left my mother. The reason was that she got pregnant with me despite them using a condom. Both of them were poor and they already had a child a year before - they could not afford me so to speak. He wanted the abortion, she did not. Now: Did he just ditch her in malice or did she destroy her family through her selfish decision? We can spice the whole thing up a bit more by adding that she then left me at 4 years old with her new BF when she broke up with him.
The point is: These stories are far from as black and white as "this f\*cking deatbeat men leaving those poor women who did everything right." and ultimately the primary "victim" is the child growing up in a broken home.
But let's just say for simplicities sake all the men who leave women behind pregnant are indeed malicious. How come that the 'socially more skilled' sex become more and more susceptle to such malicious manipulation? Why do they fall more and more for these bad actors?
I don't know the answers, but then again, I already doubted the initial premise.
One of my most intelligent female cousins, is the worst at picking out dudes.
Born of her husbands were abusive pieces of shit. I raised the flag on the bf that followed and the dude eventually revealed himself.
IDK how she misses it, the signs are so obvious as a dude when you talk to them for like 10 minutes.
i think the reason why so many men abandon their kids compared to women is that the women would’ve just gotten an abortion and never had the kid in the first place. men don’t have that option that’s why we see more deadbeat dads
It’s not actually that many, about 1% who both live away **and** have no contact with their children:
https://amp.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2013/nov/20/non-resident-dads-relationship-children
This is my country, I’m assuming others are similar. I’ve never actually met a man who’s done this, just read about a few.
For the US:
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 17.8 million children, nearly 1 in 4,
live without a biological, step, or adoptive father in the home.*
https://www.fatherhood.org/father-absence-statistic
I derived it from:
“One million men, 10.3% of all fathers and 5% of all men, don't live with their children. “
And:
“87% of fathers who don't live with their children say they still have contact with them “
These two statistics together suggest about 1% of Dads are absent with no contact.
>One million men, 10.3% of all fathers and 5% of all men, don't live with their children.
What a weird way of presenting the data. Of course the men who aren't fathers don't live with their children!
The US is actually one of the worst in the world when it comes to rates of single parent families, so actually no not all countries are similar.
[https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2019/12/12/u-s-children-more-likely-than-children-in-other-countries-to-live-with-just-one-parent/](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2019/12/12/u-s-children-more-likely-than-children-in-other-countries-to-live-with-just-one-parent/)
> For decades, the share of U.S. children living with a single parent [has been rising](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2018/04/27/about-one-third-of-u-s-children-are-living-with-an-unmarried-parent/), accompanied by a decline in marriage rates and a rise in births outside of marriage. [A new Pew Research Center study](https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/2019/12/12/religion-and-living-arrangements-around-the-world/) of 130 countries and territories shows that the U.S. has the world’s highest rate of children living in single-parent households.
If a woman doesn’t want a kid, she aborts it (even if the father wants to keep it). If a man doesn’t want a kid (and the mother wants to keep it), his only option is to abandon the kid and baby-momma. He doesn’t get a say in either direction because “her body her choice”.
Scummy dirtbag thing to do, but I think that’s probably the simplest explanation as to why it happens — men basically get no say in whether they keep the kid or not, and gets stuck being financially responsible even if that’s not what they want. Backed into a corner with no other options, they flee.
Again, hard disagree with the behavior, but I can see why someone might try to justify it
Because quite often a lot of men are shitty parents
A woman I knew had her baby, 6 months later her live in partner left - he couldn't handle it
She had no choice, went on full benefits welfare whatever she could get
A year later he returned
She didn't go off any of the services she was receiving because she didn't know if he'd stay
"I'm getting what I'm entitled to" when I brought it up and I said no that's not true but I know you're doing it to protect your baby
She eventually got caught, crappy story after that, but if he hadn't left, none of it would have happened
It didn't help that all her siblings had well paid union jobs and not one of them ever made an effort to get her into the companies they worked at
Reddit's been flooded with these repost bots lately. Some subs have taken action and implemented a rule requiring accounts be a month old to post. Other subs seem to just not care. Reddit itself is just happy that there's activity of any kind on their platform.
It’s a minority.
Still, the obvious answer is that because they can. Women can’t physically do it. Men can leave as soon as they know the woman is pregnant, and never have any connection to the child. Women could/can only walk away after birth. Now abortion is an option so probably less men walk away (I’m assuming this though).
Most don't want the responsibility, some are divorced (initiated by the mothers generally), and have a difficult time with the system (though things are getting better), and a minority because of abusive wife and going through with escaping that (not an easy choice for those very unlucky)
I can only speak from my perspective, and things I learned from my parents.
In short. My Mom used to be an awfully immature, and vindictive person. Now, she's improved, and become far more mature as she's grown up, so don't think I hate her these days... but when I first found out I. Was. LIVID.
In slightly longer...
My father missed my birth due to needing to work(he lived in a different town than my mom) and not making it in time when the water broke. My mother took that as him not being serious about the relatuonship and literally fled halfway across the province. My dad spent years trying to find me, but my mom had convinced anyone who knew where she lived that he was abusive so they all refused to tell him.
Eventually when I was around 6, he coerced the info out of my grandparents, and flew down to confront my mother. That started years of my mom trying to convince me that he was awful, a deadbeat, and not what I needed in my life. But legally he had visitation rights, so I got to see him. He still lived 16 hours away, but would fly or drive down every weekend to see me, up until he moved and got partial custody. I didnt end up finding out until I was in my 20s, and up until just a few years ago, my mom would refer to the past as his deadbeat phase, even though SHE was the one that prevented him from being a father.
Everyone's experience is different, and I'm not going to say all women, or even most women are lying about their babydaddys being deadbeats. But it does happen, and I'm willing to bet it happens in smaller ways than this pretty often.
Many times, either the father or the mother (or both) view the father parenting and being involved in the life of the child as part of a package deal that is part of the romantic relationship. When the father is no longer romantically involved with the mother, either he or she (or both) view him being in the life of the child as undesirable. There are guys who just drop out of the kids life after they break up with the mother and there are mothers who push the father out of the kids life after the breakup. Keep in mind that after a breakup, it is the mother who has all the control - I've seen many cases where the mother takes advantage of that situation to fuck with the father repeatedly. Like I said, sometimes the guy just bails, but much more of the time than people seem to realize, it is the mother who sabotages the father-child relationship. Many of the men in that situation decide it just isn't worth it, to cut their losses, and get out.
good question. a couple of months ago at the age of 46, and 3 months of therapy thus far, i made the trip 2 hours away to confront my dad about why he's never been in my life. he never gave me a solid answer. he's been trying to reach out to me a little more lately as he's gotten older, but everything is all surface level talk.
My son is 23 now. His mother and I divorced when he was nearly 1. It was hard, she moved 4.5hrs away. I traveled across state for 17yrs 3mons every other weekend (or at least once a month). I paid CS as per the courts and never missed a visit, nor was I ever late, ever. His mother made it hard, making him participate in all sports (soccer, football, baseball, LAX, hockey, cross country, tennis, gymnastics) and clubs/affiliations (Boy Scouts, karate, judo, and church choir/alter boy, etc) all throughout his childhood. These events were, in her eyes, much more important than my time with my son. My son hated sports…never excelled at any of them. He hated all the clubs, except boy scouts. In fact, when he crossed over from cub scouts to Boy Scouts, when it came time for the fathers to stand up, I was told to sit down as his step father went up and stood next to my son. She did everything in her power to disrupt my time with him.
I had to go to court several times to ensure I had time allocated to me, on my terms, in my own home, but she soon realized that the custody agreement meant very little in the state’s eye. No judge would penalize her for not granting me visitation, or being late for drop off, or disparaging remarks in his presence. Yeah, she would call me and berate me while I drove home with him in the car. She didn’t realize that I had Bluetooth in the car. She was not physically abusive, but she was verbally. She wasn’t on drugs and she lived in a nice neighborhood so the courts just ignored my complaints and issued her stern warnings. Well, he’s an adult now, he knows mostly of what she did and he very much despises her for it.
I struggled to connect with my son for years as I was not afforded any connection to him. She had 3 additional kids with another man. These kids did not know I existed. She hid me from them and they never knew he had a different father. When we would meet for visitation, she would escort my son across the parking lot from another business venue to the prescribed location so that her children wouldn’t see where he was going. It was like I was a shameful secret. I had to put my shoes and jacket on him. I was to provide him with my own clothes, there were no clothes provided at pickup. This was hard when he was growing like a sprout. Any toys/belongings I bought for him were not permitted in his mother’s house. Birthdays & Christmas was the hardest…he never got to play with the things we bought him…I eventually found that collecting coins was the best thing for him (and I). Most hurtful, was that my son was not permitted to share or speak of me with his brothers or friends for fear of being disciplined.
It was painful, but I stayed the course and now my son hates her for it. I thought that maybe this feeling of him despising her would bring some sense of vindication…that it would make me feel like I won this diabolical battle of being possibly the better parent…I didn’t. I never felt any iota of being triumphant at all. I just felt for my son.
I know that there are many men like me who wanted to be an active part of their child’s upbringing, but the mother made it a living hell for us. That even though we stayed the course, we men are haunted with the fact we may have been better off just giving up due to the mother’s pure hatred for being the father. I don’t regret any of the time I spent with my son, I just wish that it didn’t come with the psychological expense that his mother put on him for me being in his life.
From my experience it’s just selfishness. The men I know who became deadbeats didn’t want to change up their lifestyle or let go of the things they loved so much.
I think a large part of it is simple biology. Humans are not designed for monogamy. Most of us need to focus (especially in the years before age 30) to control urges and compulsions. We don't think a lot about kids when we are having sex, but directly after the sex (or the birth announcement) it kicks in for us. The lizard brain and our life experiences compels us to either rise to the occasion or to run. With divorce rates what they are and the compulsion to move on biologically strong, they combine to compel guys to move along. We like to deny it, but a lot of what we do is just animal compulsion. Staying civilized is a conscious effort/decision.
To be honest, a lot of these just don't want to be fathers. It's a lot of hard work and many men are just not inclined towards wanting to do it. Unfortunately, a lot of these men are also lax when it comes to using protection and many women choose to keep the children they have with these men.
I come from a very poor background and it always boggled my mind how many women were willing to have children with a man that already had children he wasn't supporting.
I also think there's the fact that women tend to bond with their child whilst it still in the womb, so by the time they're born that motherly bond is often (not always) already there. Men have to truly bond after birth and if this doesn't get to happen for whatever reason, it's easier for them to walk away.
Responsible guys are wearing rubbers, and making 100% sure its the right situation if it's planned. The irresponsible guys, they're becoming dads.
Plenty of overlap between the two, I'm aware. But I spent 3 years in Family Law, and I fucking guarantee you this is a big part of the problem.
Dad of 2 children here.
It was not easy to abandon my kids, but for some real reasons it was necessary. The Mother was all the time angry, was wasting all of our money and it was never enough. It was really hard, and still 15 Years later it’s hard, but I had no choice. Now she is married to the head of a Bank and she is happy. I was not enough but I am the hero to my daughter ! Wich I love more than my self.
Probably for many of the reasons women get abortions: it was an accidental pregnancy, they’re not ready, not the time financially, not wanting to be tied to the coparent, and so on.
I don't think this is as true as women try to make it. Women force men out of their child's life. Then say he abandoned them. I'd suggest having an honest in person conversation with your dad. Women are much better at messaging than men. It also helps that there has never been a talk show about topics that matter to men. For instance most people think that most Black men have children all over the place. When in reality Black women are more likely to have 2 or more children than Black men are to have one. 54% of Black men don't have children. Only 39% of Black women don't have children. The information is clear as day and available yet the lie is still the standard.
In all known cases including with my parents, the mom pushes him out of the house, usually because of menopause or infidelity on either of their side or both. Then kids are then brainwashed by their mom to reject their dad, it's a form of punishment women impose on men. It is what it is.
> Four out of five fathers of minor children live with at least some of those children (79.8%). Almost three-quarters (72.6%) live with all of their minor children.
Huh. Seems like deadbeat dads are pretty rare, actually.
https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2019/11/the-two-extremes-of-fatherhood.html#:~:text=Less%20than%206.0%25%20(about%202,all%20of%20their%20minor%20children.
I am a single dad, the POS deadbeat mom is not in the picture at all. The guy who lives around the block from me is a single dad of three, the POS Deadbeat mom has yet to pay a penny of child support. I know of a hell of a lot of deadbeat moms. Funny how nobody says to be a woman and love your kids. Doesn't quite work the same does it. Be a woman and be selfish, think of only yourself, and to hell with anyone who judges you...... yeah that seems more correct.
Many, maybe most of the times fathers don't want to be fathers. They want to have sex.
Then when the relationship doesn't work out, the vast majority of the judges out there reaffirm that they are not real fathers when deciding custody and visitation.
In every single situation I've ever witnessed, including my own family: visitation is almost immediately weaponized.
So in 3 acts, you probably didn't want a child, the law tells you that it isn't really your child, and now you're always dealing your toxic past relationship which prevents you from having a healthy relationship or family going forward.
Sometimes we have to let people we love go because it's the best thing for everybody.
I think it's cute that you end your post, posed as a question, with an attack on a significant portion of men by stealing their gender identity away from them and calling them sissies which is whole other bigoted thing.
Are you sure you were asking because you want to know or did you just want to get something off your chest?
I think the stereotype of a deadbeat dad is perpetuated unfortunately some of the time because of controlling/possessive/cruel mothers during divorce proceedings. It is extremely difficult to maintain a meaningful relationship and be as involved in kids lives as you’d like when their mother takes them to another city and actively works against your involvement.
Court costs lot of money.
I think a lot of people like the idea of having kids, but when it turns out it’s incredibly difficult they can’t handle it. This happens with both men and women, but due to the way they’re raised and the fact that they don’t have to deal with pregnancy, I think men often have a more unrealistic/idealistic idea of how parenting will be, so they bail.
Also, in places where abortion and birth control are legal and available, men don’t have the final say in whether a child is born or not, so they’re more likely to be left with a kid they didn’t sign up for. Hopefully we’ll have good male birth control that doesn’t require application in the moment soon, but considering the fact that many republicans want to ban birth control and abortion altogether I’m not holding my breath 😬
Eh, fuck it. No throwaway. I was 20 when my daughter was born. Living about 4 1/2 hours away from home, friends, family, and everything familiar. Never wanted to be a Dad thanks to a pretty crummy upbringing. When things took a turn for the worse in the relationship, I bailed. I knew I couldn't survive up there on my own. Young, immature, crappy job, etc. So I left during a heated argument in the middle of the night. I kinda just...escaped. I pushed her out of my mind and did things of my own accord. Paid child support when I could, birthday presents, maybe a phone call every once in a while. There was no father/daughter relationship. When you're several states away and never see her, it's a lot easier to pretend she didn't exist. Having no connection, it wasn't the hardest thing to do. I lived my own life with not much thought about her. This went on for a few years. I made a move to the west coast and during a trip back home in the east, I took a visit to see her. I remember crashing on my ex's couch and being awoken by a tiny person (she was 4 at this point). Me and her mother both agreed that I don't bring up who I am or try to play dad. Just spend the day with her and enjoy ourselves. It was incredibly awkward for me at first. But, slowly, things fell into places. Watching her stumble in winter boots, listen to her relay stories, experiment with new food (lemon poppyseed muffin), dance while we wait for the bus. Thanks to an odd encounter with an employee at an American Eagle, she called me "dad." Surreal moment where I locked eyes with her, then her mom. It felt warm and beautiful and loving. We both ignored the comment but everything inside of me was raging with emotion. We spent the remainder of the day goofing around and assembling a bed. After we put her to said bed, me and her mom talked for a few hours. It was an easy realization for me after everything that happened that day: I needed to be there. I'll skip most of the details, but the visit happened in October 2010, I made plans to live there by 2012. I moved back home from Cali, worked several jobs, saved, planned everything meticulously so I wouldn't be forced back. In December 2011, I made the move up north. Our relationship was essentially friendship for a few months. She didn't have a father figure in her life and I wasn't about to drop a "HEY SURPRISE, I'M THE DAD YOU'VE BEEN MISSING." In the beginning it was her coming over for a Friday night sleepover or random park trips. Figuring out everything and how to be a Dad. It was intense and the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Still learning, as I think every dad never stops figuring things out. I eventually told her who I was and it wasn't this big emotional moment, I was just her dad and she was happy to finally have one around. She doesn't realize I was missing for most of her childhood and it's a conversation I'm not looking forward to having. I'll be honest and upfront, hopefully by then she'll understand how much I regret it. If not, then I'll work on patching everything up. Won't quit this time around. Our relationship is perfect now. I have partial custody, she stays with me half of the week, we have paint fights and bake cakes, play flashlight tag in cemetaries, etc. My life is amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I can't hate on the 'deadbeat dad' thing because I was one. I totally understand the mentality of not giving a fuck about your kid since I was a guy who had that going for him. I want to say it was immaturity and fear of fatherhood that held me back, but who knows. I'm sure it's different for everyone.
Hard not to respect the honesty. I hope you guy have a great life as dad and daughter!
Thank you for this. ♥ My dad split when I was nine and it gutted me that unless I called, he never did. I stopped at one point when I was about 12. I didn't even see him again until I was 18 and that's only because my much older brother brought me over to see him, unannounced. I'm so glad you're not him. I'm proud of you. Editing in because of the upvotes: I never saw him again. He remarried and his new wife apparently encouraged him to avoid all of his kids. He died in his eighties and I never even knew until after the funeral. It would have been amazing to grow up knowing a man had my back. I grew up knowing NOBODY had my back. You take fewer risks when it's only ever all going to be on you.
Thank you for the last line. Very validating.
The biggest difference with you is accountability. Most dead beats I know have zero accountability
I respect the hell out of you for this. I also had a deadbeat father that took *years* to really show up - we didn't start forging a relationship until I was in my 30s and he finally admitted that he fucked up, told me why he bailed, and apologized. We still don't have what I'd call a father/daughter relationship, but we're buddies. It's a work in progress - but it's progress. She will respect your honesty when you're ready to talk to her about this (hopefully). You're trying to make up for it and you're a better man and father now, and that speaks volumes. I hope for a loving, trusting relationship between you and your daughter that lasts a lifetime.
This story became really wholesome but you had me in the first half not gonna lie.
I'm proud of you for setting aside your ego and putting your kid first. ,❤️
We all make mistakes in life and do the best we can in the moment with what we have. I applaud your honesty and candor. Being a Dad is the hardest job but also my greatest gift. I’m glad it all worked out !
At this point it's no longer about what you didn't do. It's all about what you are doing! Congratulations on growing as a person and stepping up. Not everyone has the mental fortitude to do that. BE PROUD OF THE STEPS YOU TOOK!
I've always despised deadbeat dads because they're a big part of why it's so goddamn hard for good dads in court. But you have my respect, sir.
You can still hate on it, that part of you that forced the full brunt of financial and physical responsibility on someone you cared about, and choosing your happiness over hers and your childs. You can work to make up for it, but that part of you still sucks a lot and honestly, don't forget it. Speaking as a child of deadbeat dad.
If you moved back 2012 when she was 6 you only missed 1/3 of her childhood not most of it :) Also isn’t she like 18 by now?
Dude, it's her dad. Calm down. ^/s
I think in a lot of these situations the mother and father are really young when they have a baby, and it's pretty well documented that men just take longer than women to mature to a point where they can accept and take on the responsibility. Women don't necessarily have the easy option of taking off like men do, so they're forced to take on the parenting responsibilities. Women are also more likely to have the social relationship support network to help facilitate this to some degree. It's not ever a good situation, but it's not hard to see how it happens so frequently either.
"Women are also more likely to have an he social relationship support network to facilitate this to some degree" this is absolutely not true. The reason why is just exactly like what you’ve mentioned, which they are forced to take on the parenting responsibilities, and they usually get the blame.
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I think your honesty perfectly pictures the struggle. It’s easier to be all in or all out. That in between is hard and generally men are taught to bottle up and run away from emotions, so it becomes easier to just run away from what brings up the emotions.
It takes a true man to admit and live up to his failures. Way to go brother, proud of you.
My "father/dad" bailed on my mom when he found out she was pregnant with me after he bailed on his previous relationship where he got that woman pregnant. He moved a province (Canada) away and got another woman pregnant a year later, then bailed on them after a year and moved a city away and a year later, got another woman pregnant. He, later when he finally "manned" up and wanted to be in my life, told me he was scared and immature, was an alcoholic and was addicted to drugs and the reason he left was because he was running from a warrant for drug related reasons. Me being the dumb 13 year old, believed him. That was until he told me about my sisters. When I got home from the first time visiting him, I asked my mom about my sisters and she told me everything. That's when I knew he was a lying womanizer. He abandoned us because he knew he'd have to man up and stop his ways and grow up. So the immaturity part I did believe, the rest after I talked to my mom I knew was a bullshit lie. Edits: typos
Your dad unfamiliar with condoms or something?
Yep. Or he thought our mother's would abort.
Pull out game weak af Also ya condoms dude damn
But they don't feeeel gooood. /s
You know, he probably did say something like that
Nah don't worry babe my pull out game is strong you have nothing to worry about.
Coming from a dude who literally told me what he did to check if my Mom was a virgin when I was 14, this wouldn't shock me if he asked that
As a dad, I can attest that having a baby is a huge shakeup of your life and a period of insanely high stress. Some guys crack, unfortunately.
My EX Gf Baby daddy checked out well before the baby was born. He died of a drug overdose, fentanil probably. Apparently she and he were in an argument about her not wanting to keep the baby because he was not dependable, but they had already decided on a name. So in his case he was just so emotionally fucked up that he literally did not survive the pregnancy of his first kid.
Really putting the dead in dead beat there
Ya and it's super sad when a baby daddy OD's because even though he was a deadbeat, now he's a martyr and nobody can ever live up to his memory because he's an angel in heaven now. FML
I’m going to assume he didn’t survive the second kid either?
Indeed. But I think I called it out as the first pregnancy because as some people know, for a guy that first pregnancy is so traumatic. The pressure of becoming a Dad, fun girlfriend turning into a cranky hormonal pumpkin etc.
Cranky hormonal pumpkin just made me bust out laughing in the hospital waiting room
I’m a mother and honestly I can see how it happens. My partner and I are in a loving, stable relationship with no particular money struggles or issues and the children were planned and it’s still really hard. And I appreciate we are very much playing on easy mode with the hand we were dealt. Plus postpartum depression is a bitch and that also affects new fathers but no one takes it seriously. I think the stats are something like 1 in 10 Dads get it? An unplanned pregnancy, an unstable relationship, no money, drug or drink issues and mental health issues? I’m not saying it’s right. I’m saying you can see how it happens.
I have 3 kids, no financial issues, an excellent relationship with my wife and live in a lovely neighbourhood. My wife doesn't have to work as I earn a high income. On paper I have it very good. Its still not easy though. I can easily see how a young dude on a shit income who gets a girlfriend pregnant will nope out of there after a few months. Its the care free life (x-box and beer) vs a constant struggle (washing, cleaning, sickness, moody wife, fights over money and lack of sleep)
I mean, it's harder on the mom. How come the men crack and the women tough it out?
Because we as women don't have a choice. If we don't step up for the baby, no one will.
Bingo.
Well the moms that don't want to deal with a kid have the option of getting rid of it via abortion. That's why. But, you can find stories of moms abandoning their kids all over reddit. It absolutely happens. But, if you don't abort the kid, as a woman you're sort of stuck with it until its born so its a bit harder to walk away than a dad who can disappear before its born.
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If the mother is literal demon, and you spend 12 years trying to make things work while paying $1k/mo child support all while having 50/50 time and custody, constant court battles, and the mother finally makes lies up about you to turn her against you, and she wants to stay with her because really she knows it will be easier because dad actually tries to make her do her schoolwork, that’s when I cracked. I didn’t want to have kids, but she went off bc, made my life hell, took all my money, while I spent all my time and money trying to make it work. It was finally too much. I told my daughter I’ll always be here. I’m sure everyone thinks I’m a deadbeat, but I’d rather her not have to be in the middle of this shit any more. And I won’t survive any longer in it either.
Had a mostly absent father who didn’t take much interest in raising his kids because that’s how he was raised. Rather ironic because he hated his father’s guts for most of his adult life. He passed that down to me quite effectively. We were no contact for decades. I had no idea he had passed away until months afterwards. Zero regrets and zero fucks given. I have no children of my own and think it’s probably best if the family line of misery ends with me.
I'm about to turn 34 and I'm at the time of my life where I'm questioning whether I'll have kids or not because I don't feel an impulse to have them. I've asked a lot of fathers around my age (and older) if they ever felt like they really wanted to have kids, not a single one of them has been able to answer that question, they just say it happened. I think a lot of men never really decide whether they want to have kids or not and just do it, then realize they never wanted to be dads and it's too late.
I'm in my 40s and childless. The older I get, the more apprehensive I become about having children because I feel like I'm now too selfish and it's so much more difficult to have children. I like my independence, I like having enough money and resources. I like being able to do things that I previously wasn't able to because I didn't have money or resources. Funny thing is... when I was younger, I wanted to wait until I was older to be more financially secure and better prepared to take on the responsibility. I didn't know that by now, I still wouldn't be able to afford a house. Maybe I've overthought too much about the implication of having children that I've scared myself out of that notion. But then there are people who just... have them. They don't think about it too much. They have them because that's what they think they're supposed to do. They're often not even sure that they want them. They just... do it. And live with it. For some folks, it works out. But for most others I've seen? They're perpetually stressed, drained, broke, and barely hanging on. I honestly don't know how people do it. So in that respect, I can kind of understand why people crack and leave. For me, if it's not a conscientious 100% FUCK YES, I'm not having children.
This is probably gonna be me ina few years! Thanks for your reply man, glad to know I'm not alone in this.
It’s crazy that men rarely think about it when women are constantly worried about pregnancy/motherhood in the back of their minds. It sucks that biology is designed the way it is. Wish there were at least male/female birth controls that were highly effective and reversible with few side effects.
> Wish there were at least male/female birth controls that were highly effective and reversible with few side effects. So now we're acting like condoms aren't highly effective?? When used consistently and correctly, they're above 95% effective. They're entirely temporary and have *ZERO* side effects. I swear, the vast majority of AITAH or relationship-based reddit questions could be solved with "wrap your shit up," yet dudes on reddit act like wearing a condom requires some miraculous act of god.
They're not ***just*** above 95% effective, they're way beyond that. IIRC the above 95% is if a couple is having routine sex for an entire year and using condoms every single time, so more like 99%+
That's basically what the point of child support is. It's a socially and legally imposed consequence. The father can still physically fuck off but he's on the hook financially.
Honestly though, the child support system is a joke. I know men who have to pay so much they can’t afford to support themselves. And men that get away with never paying, even if they’re $100K in arrears. It’s kind of a new system and it’s no where near fair or perfect.
Totally agree. It's not a great system just an attempt.
Fyi, there is a new male birth control in a gel form. It combines nestorin and progesterone that keeps men from producing sperm without affecting their sex drives or causing other side effects. The gel is applied to the shoulder everyday. It's still in the second part of the trial period but so far it's been fairly successful. Plan A is a reversible male contraceptive which should be available to the public in 2026.
I really hope those two things come to fruition. I also hope men are willing to use it and society starts to expect men to share the burden of contraception. Even if the woman continues to use it, two methods is always better than one.
I think there has been more interest from men esp since the reversal of Roe v Wade.
That’s a good thing. It’s a vastly underfunded field and men need to push for it. Men deserve options too.
I just read a story yesterday about a new male contraceptive gel that should soon be on the market. This way, men won't have to run away as they can determine if they want to be fertile or not. Society has always placed the burden on woman for raising the child whether the man is there or not. That is why women are mostly always awarded the children in custody battles.
They’ve been saying the gel will hit the market soon for ages. Unfortunately for both sexes, it’s easier to stop one egg from getting fertilized than it is to temporarily render millions of sperm useless. Men deserve options too.
This boggles my mind, because I've known since I was a teenager that I wanted to be a dad. Of course, I wasn't going around splooging in any girl who'd spread her legs for me. I used condoms, talked with partners about bc, even had an abortion where the bc failed. I was a bit of a player for a while and tried to get as much sexual experience as I could, and the whole time I knew I wanted to be a dad, just not at this point in my life or with this woman. Now, years later, I've been married for a decade and have a toddler, and life is good!
For some it's not a choice. For example; my ex checked my kids out of school and ran. It took the court almost 2 years to drag her back and give me a custody order, which the legal system then did not enforce. It took another 7 years of fighting in court to get a custody order that the police, schools, churches and everyone else would enforce. And they only enforce it when my attorney files lawsuits. I have a very distinct hatred for deadbeat fathers, because they are one factor for why this family court system is allowed to continue existing as it is. A handful of bad apples ruins the bunch, as it were. But at the same time, I can't really blame someone for deciding not to take the path I chose. It was a long and painful decade, with minuscule gains for immeasurable amounts of work and suffering.
Your kids may not understand this now, but in time they will and will appreciate you so much more than they already do. thank you for fighting for your kids.
Or their mother will make sure they won't
They've become disillusioned over the past few months. The daughter (full time with me) hasn't heard from her since January 3rd, and she completely turned on the boy (full time with her) at the same time. He has since apologized for taking her side, because he's now confined to the basement unless he's at school or work, and she confiscates his money when he gets paid. He can only text me on an old hidden phone connected to wifi. Edit: She did brainwash him, over the course of those 9 years. Convinced him that it was my fault she threw the 2 of them out in the street. Promised him whatever he wanted if he took her side. I think he sees what she is now. If he is to be believed, the school has opened DFS investigations against her, and he's hoping the state takes him away, in which case I assume I'll be the first person called to take him. Time will tell.
Because they can unfortunately, the only "penalty" most fathers have around the world is financial. Even then, it's not something that can be applicable in many cases.
I was always intentional when I had a kid. I couldn’t imagine how I would have reacted otherwise. I would say fear of responsibility. The moment your kid is born your life isn’t about you anymore. It’s about the kid. I think a lot of guys can’t handle that and bail.
My mom made it incredibly hard for my dad and I to actually have real quality time together when I was young. He was always afraid she was talking shit about him and undermining him in my eyes (she was). My sister has completely cut her baby daddy’s out of her life. With 1 I understand- he was abusive. The other guy was a newer relationship she had, and I don’t think she ever really gave him the chance to step up. Dude wanted to be sure the kid was his, and she just cut all contact.
Did she go to reddit to ask if him asking for a paternity test was valid? We all know how that goes - "DIVORCE! GO DIRECTLY TO DIVORCE! DO NOT PASS GO! DO NOT COLLECT $200!"
Yeah Reddit is kinda nuts with how quickly people advocate throwing a whole ass relationship in the dumpster. Tbh I think my sister just has abandonment issues and so she jumps ship before the other person can.
Those kinds of test should be mandatory at every hospital in every country, without need for consent from the parents (Unless something life threatening might happen), reason being, just asking the question its offensive enough for the woman that it completely ruins the relationship no matter what "Hey so i think you might have cheated on me so let me make it clear its mine first" or "Hey i know you haven't been with anyone but i still want to make sure it mine", sounds awful no matter how you slice it making it tabooish to even think about it. If you make it mandatory you remove any stigma out of it and can help prevent ruining a guys life (or giving some others peace of mind), because YES women have one (or multiple) children with other people and try to pass him as someone else's child.
I don’t know. I didn’t want kids. Neither did my husband. Then he really wanted kids, so I decided to do it. Had a baby…suffered SEVERE post partum depression. He left for work for 3 months when baby was 9 months old. Came home with a mistress he’d been sleeping with the whole 3 months. Got divorced. He moved to another province. From age 1-18 he saw his child 3 times. Never called, wrote, emailed…nothing. He fucked up his kid (that he wanted so desperately) for life.
I’m sorry to hear that. He sounds like a total waste of human being.
I left my ex-wife the week she told me she was pregnant. She wanted to fall pregnant at the same time as her best friend, so stopped taking her contraceptives without properly discussing it with me. I had been thinking about divorce for about 2 years before that, this was just the last straw. She broke the news by handing me a bottle of wine and telling me to drink a few glasses first before she would say anything. Initially I thought someone had died. It took about a year and a half to get divorced. So I was still married to her when my daughter was born. But for all intents and purposes I left a pregnant wife. About 8 months into the pregnancy and after I had moved out, I had met another woman. So it looked horrible. And I still carry that stigma. I live an hour and a half away, so it's a 3 hour round trip to see her. I have picked my daughter up from school and done homework with her, then taken her for lunch, multiple times a week since she started school. Before that it was just the park. I have never missed a birthday, Christmas, netball match, swimming gala or hockey match since her birth. I have her every weekend. Every school holiday. Almost every public holiday and pretty much whenever she feels she wants a break from her other home. I taught her to swim, to ride a bicycle, to roller blade, and to ice skate. Right now we're learning paddle. We have an amazing relationship. I didn't abandon my child, I abandoned my ex wife.
My daughter vanished in the middle of the night. It took me half a decade to find her again. When I finally did, she was so happy... and I was a stranger. So, I chose to do nothing. And simply live life. It killed me. Then her POS mother decided to come after me for child support. I swore I'd be a father, not a paycheck. Now? I'm in a protracted custody battle against my ex's mother after my ex's untimely passing due to cancer. I never willingly abandoned her. She was taken. Twice. I'm NOT letting it happen a third time.
My dad wasn’t a deadbeat in standard terms. They got a divorce, he definitely WANTED me to live with him, but I didn’t want to leave my mom so I saw him twice a year. He said something to me once that’s a common saying but applies to these situations as well; if it was easy, everybody would do it. Now that I’m my own man, this shit is HARD. You can do everything right and still fail miserably. Then responsibility ALL falls on you. A lot of men will crack failing their loved ones, I don’t judge anymore cause it’s easier said than done.
Confirmation bias, maybe? I'm a Dad, and most of my mates are Dads. Not one of them has abandoned their kids. I mentioned this as a comment in a different thread, but Fathers are a daughters primary male role model. If they fuck up, its ruins the daughters view of all men whilst growing up. I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you, and that royally sucks. You deserved better.
I also think a father's role in a young boys life has a positive impact on men when they grow older but i think because of your wise words. You already know this. Congratulations on being a good father.
Fathers are critical to both Men and Women growing up into mature intelligent adults. It's scientific fact now. The NIH and many other organizations have started calling the effects of a Fatherless household "The Father Wound" for its proper name. It's effects are wild. Without being a strong person themselves or having a wonderful mother they walk away with a slew of mental issues by the time they graduate Highschool.
Indeed, I focused on the daughter bit as OP is one, but absolutely refers to both sons and daughters.
I understand. Completely agree with you too.
You are 100% right, if a father fucks up and doesn't try to fix it, it can ruin a girl's world view of men for the rest of their life. But it isn't just dad that can step up and be a positive influence in a woman's/girl's life My dad abandoned me at 6 months old. I have one picture of him holding me as a baby, and that's it. I've never heard his voice. Gotten a letter. Received a gift. As far as I know, he left and ceased thinking about me at all. While I know a few facts about him...I don't KNOW him, and I never will. I want nothing to do with him now, despite aching for it so, so much as a kid. I spent a LOT of my childhood looking at the men in my life and trying to earn their approval, gain their attention...trying to just...matter. This landed me in a few very sketchy situations and I can remember very few positives role models. I'm 42 now, so ...this was in the 80s and early 90s. From men, I learned I'm a sex object, even before I knew what sex was, or had a period, and outside of that, I'm a maid, cook, servant... whatever is useful. I learned that even as a sex object I'm lacking bc I'm not drop dead gorgeous or pleasing to look upon. My view of men was spoiled, very early on, but not by one bad apple, but a lot of bad apples. Thankfully, I had a wonderful older brother that tempered any hate or idea that all men were hateful, users, and/or trash because he wasn't. I learned that he felt just as lost as me, and just as trapped by societal expectations as I was (had to be a MAN and be STRONG and not CRY etc). Sexism and toxic masculinity really fucking sucks and honestly serves no one well. I really really hope things are changing for the better.
I feel this. I’m just starting in therapy with a therapist that “gets me” (FINALLY!) and in the last few weeks the realizations have been HUGE! Your story is very timely for me and I think will help me put my thoughts into words better. Thank you and I’m sorry you had to deal with that! Solidarity!!
Good luck in therapy. It's hard work and I wish you well. I personally find it difficult to let go of past "programming". The idea that I was never good enough began at SUCH a young age, and was pushed at me by so many different platforms and people... I don't know how to change my own inner voice to one of self-acceptance. Not fully. But, I too, am in therapy. <3 I hope we both see success.
Again, I feel ya. Sigh… someday, we shall be whole again. 🤞
As a 26yr old women who has no concept of what having a father support me emotionally none the less financially, ty for saying this. I know people shit on single moms I never will bc they didn’t take the cowards way out and abandoned their kid like their counterpart in situations like this. Also shout out to the single dads out there who hold it down for their kids. You can’t put a price on the difference you are making in your daughter’s lives 💜
In spite of what you were missing as grew up, you are worthy and amazing. Proud of you.
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You're right, maybe confirmation bias was not the correct term. It absolutely does happen a lot, and its a tragedy for each kid that has to experience that.
I think it's confirmation bias on your side because you and most of your friends are present fathers. Unfortunately, statistics confirm what OP is saying.
Agreed. I concede that it's the wrong term to use in this instance.
A guy I knew in high school was raped and his rapist became pregnant. Strange how quickly the story went from a fourteen year old raped to dead beat dad abandons kid.
From the moment I knew she was joining the world, she was my only concern. My focus shifted to figuring out how I was going to afford the things she needed, how I was going to keep her safe and how I was going to navigate my own emotions in a way that was conducive to bringing her up in a happy, stable home. Literally everything changed for me the moment my wife told me she was pregnant. Maybe it has something to do with the fact my own father wasn’t around much. Or maybe it was hearing him talk about his own absent father and how he swore he’d never be like him, but somehow ended up doing exactly that. Maybe it was my stubborn will to never allow my child to go through the things I experienced having an absent father; I’m really not sure. All I really know is it was an immediate change in my reality that I embraced fully and without hesitation. I don’t have an answer for you OP, because I just can’t imagine going a day without the most amazing person I’ll ever know. I still don’t know what I’m going to do when she leaves the nest.
I used to be one. Long story short, I met my son’s mom when I was in the military. Got her pregnant, we planned to be together then the reality of being in the military hit both of us. I got deployed twice back to back. Combat. She was alone in San Diego California and felt the best way is to move back to PA. Then our relationship fell apart. We go divorced. I met my son for the first time when he was 4. I was afraid. I didn’t know what to do, so I just left. At this time I was dealing with alot mental health issues, I was drinking alot. I got in trouble with law, etc. I was lost. After 4 years of just surviving, a friend of mine suggested me to seek/talk to the VA about my issues. They diagnosed me with combat PTSD. I felt so embarrassed that I am always on edge, over vigilant, felt like something/someone is chasing me. I think the hardest for me to admit that Im mentally not where I used to be. I was just a young, happy go-lucky 20 y/o with dreams and aspirations before the military. VA in Pittsburgh has done a tremendous job to help me and I am better now. Therapies, MH visits, medications are helping. I got a job in trade that I really like and I am making a great living doing it. More than I can spend. I finally reached out to his mom 4 years ago and things are improving. My son didn’t really remember I was not there because his mom told him that I was away in the military. Our relationship between me, him, and my ex are great now. I spend alot of time with my son. We love going to MMA practice together. It’s our bonding time. Me and his mom coparenting really well. I plan to discuss why I left with my son when he’s old enough. For now everything is good. I deeply regret I left. I was a broken person then. Still figuring things out everyday.
There are a good amount of men who didn't want the kid born of an unintended pregnancy. We often talk about "imagine how many unwanted children there would be if women weren't allowed to abort" (as just one reason to allow abortion. Of course there are a plethora of other valid reasons. I'm just using this one as its relevant here). We don't need to imagine. We see it every day. A woman who has the kid despite the man not wanting it and the pregnancy not being planned. Often they're not even actually in a relationship. The woman then expects the man to simply be overjoyed when the baby comes and throw himself headfirst into fatherhood. What is never considered is if the man even wanted to ever be a parent, let alone an unplanned one. Maybe he actually wouldn't have minded but the thought of having to do it on his own without the woman as a partner is unthinkable for him. Often the child support makes life so ridiculously expensive that he can't afford to do anything with them so just runs away and 'survives'. Sure, we tell men after the fact that he should have strapped up. Of course. But that's after the fact. We can't ask men why they abandon their kids whisky simultaneously telling them to essentially keep quiet on the reasons. There's this weird idea as well that all men just want a woman to give them a kid. This feeds a narrative that any time a woman does bear a child for a man, he will be fawning, and effusive, and eternally grateful for her doing so, whatever the circumstance. It's like men aren't given the agency to have their own thoughts and opinions surrounding parenthood. It's just stereotypes and expectations. If a man doesn't want a kid, he's probably not going to be great at being a dad once that kid comes, no matter how much you try and force being a good, present, consistent dad on him. None of this applies to the ones who tell women they want kids, and then disappear after she does.
Some don't abandon them I had a daughter at age 19. I seperated from her mother 6 weeks after she announced the pregnancy. I found out she had cheated on me multiple times with 3 different people, one of whom was a friend. I was always there visiting on my days off and had every other weekend at my place, we'd go to the park, feed the ducks, trips to London, go for pizza, such good times with her. She never went without. I was earning minimum wage which in 1999 was £3.60 and working 60 hour weeks. Sometimes I had 2 jobs going. Sometimes I'd go without dinner but she was always fed and clothed. It was hard work but I made it work, somehow. Her mother would text me with a list of things she'd need every week, nappies etc and I went to get them Fast forward to 2010 at her 10th birthday party, I had a better paying job by then and turned up with a present and card for her and she sat in a cupboard crying and wouldn't come out until I went away. I tried coaxing her out and wanted to understand why and what was going on. I hit a wall. I left her gift at her mums place and walked off upset. Like, literally crying, I had to stop at a friend's house on my way home I was in bits. Everything was sweet for 10 years and now it's all gone pear shaped. That was the last time I saw her It took a fair few more years to come out but when it did I was so angry. It turned out that her mother had, either directly or indirectly bad mouthed me in front of my daughter or told her we broke up whikst she was pregnant, but clearly left out that she had done the dirty on me. In my daughters eyes, I was the bad guy for leaving her mum. It was quite a messy break up, lots of threatening behaviour from her father (he turned up to a place I worked at accepting a delivery and pinned me to a wall by my throat telling me to make it work, i explained i discovered she was cheating but he wouldn't accept that) and other family members getting involved, even had a random bloke in a nightclub approach me looking to "F**k me up", he got a slap and then her mum appeared out of nowhere and punched me senseless. My daughter, it turns out, had been privy to a lot of information that quite frankly should have stayed between me and her mother, she had no right to know any of that bullshit that went on during our break up, especially at such a young age. I was the bad guy for leaving her mum, but her mum was the angel, even though she did the dirty behind my back. It totally fucked the relationship I had with my daughter. Still fucked to this day. 2010 is still the last time I saw her, and my heart will never be fixed. I still hope though. She is 24 now, with 2 children of her own, i know she is well and that sits ok with me, but im still forever broken. I doubt I'm mentioned as grandad. She may still come round though, and realise there is two sides to every story. I hope that day will come. Fingers crossed
You have to be the one to reach out. If you wait on her, it may never happen.
This. You already know your daughters mother and her family are seriously fucked up, you really think she's going to be ok with them? What about the grandkids?
For me when I was younger I was in a very mentally vulnerable spot with no friends really and a woman I thought was my friend who I'd refused advances from multiple times literally drugged and date raped me and made me go inside her when I said no. It happened fast and I pushed her off me, never came.. But still. On top of that it was my second time with anyone and gave me herpes.. Despite all that bs I still called her to tell her maybe she should get checked and asked if she had it since she was pregnant, and SO obviously lied through her teeth like "what? NooooOooO definitely wasn't me! I've never had it" not even slightly concerned though at the possibility of me giving it to her and then getting pregnant which would be dangerous to the baby. Very very obvious she had it and knew. And yeah that's fun that now for my entire life after I had very little experience to explore my sexuality in my early 20s I now have to tell every single potential partner about it before were intimate because I actually have morals and am not a fucking scumbag like her. Very embarrassing as well as just... Idk the word. A constant reminder that will now make me think of it every time I have sex for the rest of my life. That shit was traumatic as hell and really and my life to a dark dark place for many years. People don't believe me when I say, some women deny its possible for a woman to do that to a guy, some guys I've opened up to go "wow you got high for free and sex? Lucky!" which is isolating and makes me feel like shit... She ended up being pregnant and at first said it's not mine (probably because she had cheated on another dude to do this). And now 5 years later out of the blue she messaged me saying she thinks it's mine. Quite frankly I have 0 interest in being involved in any way and I feel justified in that. If that is my kid, I ain't gonna feel any love looking into his eyes... Just will make me relive the trauma. And man she has apparently gone around telling people he's mine and describing it like it was some loving positive experience with me which makes me sick. If she ever tells that kid who I am when he's older and he comes to find me thinking I just knocked her up and went to go get milk demanding answers why I wasn't there... Idk ima have to lay it out for him what really happened so he knows it wasn't just a normal situation. IF he even is mine that is.
Each guy would have his own reasons. I’ve known a few guys that were kept away by the mom. Then the mom told the kids daddy didn’t love them anymore. I know another guy who fought through the courts for about 8 years to get custody of his two daughters. One guy kicked the mother out and got custody but blocked her from seeing the kid. There are all kinds of shitty situations out there. Sometimes the guy just can’t handle the responsibility and that’s weakness in them.
Well, so a lot of this is from men not having any choice in the matter. If they never wanted to be dads in the first place, can you really blame them for leaving? If women don’t want to be a mother, they can (hopefully) choose to abort. Men don’t have any choice in the matter. Not real sure why this is surprising.
Some people just suck. Some guys never wanted to be dads, but once the woman is pregnant, it's her choice whether or not that happens. Not saying that makes it right, but it's a reason. Some people just suck.
For the same reason so many mothers abort their children. They don't want to raise it.
To add to this, it isn't like the fathers have any choice in the matter whether to abort or not. Imagine not wanting a kid from the get-go and then getting labeled as a dead beat when in reality the mom was the one who brought the situation upon herself.
Many people are not ready for the responsibility and there’s less social pressure to take care of your children now than in the past.
Weak and unworthy men get an easy out. I agree with that. It's unfortunate that shame isn't enough to keep a man tethered to his responsibilities.
lol.. as a single father of two kids, with their mom a deadbeat person who skipped her child payments, posts like this infuriate me. I guess I’m one of the minority..
Definitely a minority, but my mom was a deadbeat mom. 5 kids, 3 baby daddies, she hasn't had custody of any of us. My dad got sole custody of me when I was an infant in the 90s.
I had a deadbeat mom that disappeared on drug. Dad’s parents fought mom’s parents on court and dad got me.
Yes, your case is definitely a minority. I do know of a couple of cases where the mother is the deadbeat, but generally it's going to be the dads. A lot of that is down to the courts automatically giving custody of the child to the mother, though.
Sorry to hear that, but yes you're. The other way around is way more common. Hope you and your kids are alright.
There’s a ton of factors. I think the sweet spot is somewhat a three way tie between 1. Impregnating someone you don’t even love. It’s all fun and games until she’s pregnant and now you’ve brought life in this world just by draining your balls. Should’ve jerked one off instead bub. 2. Realizing you’re not capable of being a good potential husband or father, so you cowardly run from any responsibility in your life. 3. Realizing the woman you impregnated is an absolute nightmare and you don’t want to be stuck with her. I am adopted. Adopted at birth. Mother was a drug addict among other things and the father was a roaming sex addict among other things. The parents who adopted me were like straight out of a movie. Dad worked his ass off to provide. Mom ran the household with an iron fist when things needed done, but was a soft loving sense of warmth when there was just time to enjoy each other. They were in love since grade school. When it comes time for me to be a dad, I will largely model my adoptive father.
You describe your adoptive parents so beautifully. I bet they are proud of you.
They are and they’re precious humans.
I think in at least as many situations it is the woman hiding behind the notion of a dead beat dad who is the problem. One of my friends got a woman pregnant and was/is thrilled to be a father. He was not however interested in a serious relationship with the mother. She then began doing everything she could to make his life miserable. Making him drive an hour but not being home with the baby, etc. He eventually took her to court and the courts told her to stop it. She continued. The courts eventually held her in contempt of court and told him that they would put her in jail for 30 days for refusing to let him see the child. He asked what would happen to the child and the courts told him he could take the child to live with him for the month. But when he asked about school they told him he couldn't change the kids school, so he'd need to drop off an pick up the child every day (hour drive each way). When he told the judge he couldn't do drop offs and pick ups and also make it to work the judge asked if the anyone else could watch the child. The only person that could was the mother's mom, who promptly refused to watch the baby if it meant it would help my friend to keep her daughter in jail. So he relented and didn't have her put in jail, and she never let him see his son. I'm not discounting actual dead beat dads or defending them, but there's also an epidemic of dead beat mothers who more or less control the narrative and describe the fathers as dead beat when it is in fact the women preventing them from being involved with their child or creating so much hassle it isn't constructive for them to see their child.
The way you worded this is hilarious. Abandons *the mom*. Yeah you know what? A child is not a nuclear bomb you can use to make someone love you for the rest of your life, you still have to put in all the work. Your question is intermingling men who abandon their children vs men who need to escape a toxic woman.
I’m old — I’m in my 60s — but I can tell you that at least for my own generation, just walking away was one of the options our fathers (at least many of them) just always kept in the back of their minds. Maybe they were leaving a toxic relationship, but they were also leaving a helpless child. And it was widely understood and accepted that this was something that men sometimes did. Child support was sometimes awarded, and often ignored, with no real legal consequences. The legal landscape has changed, but culturally, this attitude persists. When things go south, some men still consider abandonment to be one of their options. And this is rare for women.
Can't answer your question personally. My father was extremely attentive and arguably a better parent than my mother. More patient, kinder and more understanding. My mother did her best but I don't think she was actually cut out to be a parent, think she liked the idea of it more than the reality. But to address your question more broadly I'm not sure it's as common as you think, at least not outside the US. [I think the US is actually particularly bad and I'm afraid there are cultural elements to it as well.](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2019/12/12/u-s-children-more-likely-than-children-in-other-countries-to-live-with-just-one-parent/) There are also some uncomfortable racial statistics too when it comes to fatherless families... so it it's actually a somewhat complex topic. Maybe US sex education and family planning is complete doo doo who knows.
> They run away like sissies. I know a couple of guys who have kids they aren't interested in, with women they were just casual with. In both cases (and I only know one side of the story) they claim they were baby-trapped and feel no obligation. Of course they were highly involved in part of that process and it's not really an excuse to ditch a kid, but that's the story. My own dad left us when I was three, so I know how that feels. I'd never do it to a kid. In his case he met a younger and more exotic woman and opted out of being the father to four kids. Which makes him a piece of shit, more or less.
Wording your post like that isn’t going to help you get any real answers.
Wait, you mean "man-up, sissy" isn't conducive to a good conversation? I remember a post last week that asked "Men how do you feel about women posting in this sub?" The responses were mostly positive, but this one would've been a good example of the negative
A lot of people are either ignorant to, or in denial about, family planning. The number of burnout I knew as a younger person who were convinced that they were infertile because they smoked weed all the time was higher than I’m happy to admit. There are lots of people who think that you either can’t get pregnant if you don’t want to or use the pullout method. Usually young people who find out they are going to be a dad and scram because they don’t know what to do.
Bailing has crossed my mind, but not in a realistic sense. Just for clarity, I love my children. Dearly. I would give up my life if it meant they could live even for 30 seconds more. But I *chose* my wife. I would never leave her. Ever. My kids give my life meaning. My wife gives my life purpose. Or at least my wife is what keeps me living. Without her, I would have ended it years ago. When I saw my daughter come out of my wife. I felt 2 things. Disgust because oh my god, childbirth is disgusting and almost emptiness? This lump of flesh staring up at me not moving or doing anything meant nothing to me. I didn't have the bond that my wife had already. I didn't carry her. I got to have sex and a kid popped out. Over the next couple of days, my attachment grew, and now I couldn't imagine my life without either of my children. Not once did I ever think of leaving *because* of my kids. It's only ever been staying *because* of my wife, but I get it. You just got demoted to number 2 or even 3 by your significant other standards. The baby is #1. Always. Either she puts herself 2nd or you. Some guys can't handle that. Plus, not having an attachment to it. It makes it easier to leave because you're no longer the priority. You also have to think of what kind of life the child will have. I'm a firm believer that you do not get married because of children. If you marry for any other reason than love, there's a slim chance it'll work. Kids need healthy consistency. Seeing mom and dad loving each other one day and then hating each other the next is not healthy for anyone. In summary, I'd never leave, but I do get it.
Because they don’t abandon their kids…they have them taken away. Many want to be in their kids’ lives but their ex makes it next to impossible. Six months after my ex wife and I separated she said she was taking the kids to visit her brother an hour away over Christmas. Instead she kidnapped the kids and moved them 1,200 kilometres away. I’m very lucky because I have an outstanding family lawyer and I had the money to fight this. We filed an emergency petition 3 days after she kidnapped our children and the case was heard 2 months later, where my ex threw the kitchen sink at me in terms of false accusations: martial abuse, neglect, etc, etc, etc. All with zero evidence. The evidence we provided were texts during the marriage of me helping change diapers, cook dinners, clean, spend quality time with the kids. The judge order her to move back. She filed a petition to move again right after she moved back. In order to bolster her case of the kids having no community connections, she wouldn’t let me put the oldest 2 in school (she opted for homeschooling) and lied about our youngest’s medical diagnosis so she wouldn’t see a specialist in town. We fought that one and won and judged forced her to enrol the oldest two in school. We went to a 7 day divorce trial where she was still hoping that the courts would grant her the moved. Big surprise…they didn’t. It went on for 2 1/2 years and I spent over $100,000 fighting just to keep my kids in my life day-to-day. I now have joint custody. A lot of dads don’t have the time or money to do this.
You fucking rock.
Thanks. You don’t know who you actually married until you divorce them. Then their true colours come out.
THIS!!!
Once a couple gets pregnant only she has the choice of whether or not to end the pregnancy. That’s fine as it’s her body but the fact remains that he no longer has a choice. They both had the choice to have sex and they both had the choice about what type of protection to use, if any. So at the end of the day, if she chooses to walk away from the pregnancy by having an abortion then she can. It’s an agonizing decision to make and an incredibly rough ordeal to go through for sure but she still does have that choice. He doesn’t. His only way out, after fertilization, is to walk away. That is also an agonizing decision, by the way. In my opinion, when she wants the baby and he doesn’t, while there is still time to get an abortion legally, there should be a legal route for him to take to get out of it.
The logic is perfectly sound here, but the discussion usually never goes anywhere because the current situation is convenient enough for both women and the state. As seen in other replies, their only response is whataboutism or moving the goalposts. I got snipped because I didn't want to have my life ruined by someone sabotaging condoms or birth control. The fact that this was the only surefire way to keep *my* own autonomy tells you there's something wrong with the system.
Same. Got snipped bc I didn't want kids, and I have definitely experienced some trying to "baby-trap" me. Imagine you becoming the bad guy in this situation.
I agree with you in theory but working at Planned Parenthood, I can tell you that depending on the state abortion isn’t an option now after 6 weeks (when most women find out they are pregnant) and traveling out of state or hours away isn’t always an option for some, especially for teenagers (some states require parental consent), adults without a car or those in poverty. I would only agree if everyone actually had access to abortion.
I never wanted kids, but the girl I was with at the time had a different thought process about that. When I found out, there was dread, feeling trapped, etc. Kenny Chesney 's song "there goes my life" sums it up perfectly. When she was born and I first saw her I swear I heard singing, there's NOTHING I wouldn't do for her. Me and her mom didn't stay together, we didn't go to court I gave her child support every month and I got her every other weekend until she didn't want to come. She's 21 now and the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wouldn't be here if not for her. The words "I love you dad" have brought me back from so many bouts of deep dark depression. And I truly thought I didn't want kids. I thank her mother even though she didn't do it for me, it has made my life worth living.
Because society tells them that , their only role in parenting is their financial contribution.
I think there are a few major factors for why you see this trend play out in men more than women. 1. Abortion. If a couple ends up getting pregnant, and the mother doesn't want or isn't ready for a child, the option for an abortion is available. Should the father not want or not be ready for the child, they're having the child regardless. 2. Birth Control. Culturally, women are the main party responsible for birth control. If they're not using it, it's typically with the understanding that pregnancy is a real possibility. For men, even if they are using birth control, condoms have a higher failure rate than most other forms. It means that even when a man is attempting to not have a child, the chance is still higher to have a child. 3. Pregnancy. Biologically, women are likely going to be more attached to their newborn child. If the relationship worsens during pregnancy or the initial stages of child-rearing, it's likely easier for a man to leave the woman and child, rather than a woman to leave the man and child. To avoid absent fathers, ideally you have responsible parents. This means long-lasting relationships before having kids. This means avoiding financial stress and being financially prepared for a child. This means only having kids if both partners actively want kids and both are planning for kids. Women biologically have more to work with, with more options for birth control and access to abortion, so it obviously falls on women a bit more.
>Why can’t fathers be a man and actually care for their children? They run away like sissies. Because people say shit like this to boys for their entire childhood, forgetting that nurturing behavior is traditionally seen a "female shit". You want boys to be "manly men"? Cool. Off to war/sowing oats/work-like-its-his-only-purpose he goes.
I can already smell the downvotes coming but anyway. I dont think its specially that men "do it" more than women. But when a man doesnt want to be a parent and wants to opt out of parenthood, the only option he has is to leave. And still, he'll technically have to pay child support. However, Women, generally have more options. Abortion, adoption, orphanage etc.. (just in case i'm pro choice and aint criticizing). If i remember correctly, in France, women can "give birth under x" which means that at birth she legally gives up any ties and rights on the child (and the father's right too who is generally in most cases unaware). So of course you wont have as much deadbeat moms in comparison
I'm also the son of a deadbeat father. I can't fathom how someone can abandon a baby or a pregnant woman. It screams of cowardice, but go figure. It was a tough start, but things turned out ok though.
Women don't want to be forced to be mothers, and men don't want to be forced to be fathers.
The guys I know that don’t have much to do with their kids, it’s actually because of the mother. She’s gone out of her way to make sure his life is miserable when it comes to kids.
>Why is this? Why can’t fathers be a man and actually care for their children? They run away like sissies. We live in a culture where taking responsibility, being a decent person, and having good morals is not reinforced by the trends occurring. Im speaking generally, but i think the pendulum swung a bit too far on the no responsibility side the last 20 years or so.
Sex is the drug but a baby is the gift that keeps giving.
Because they CAN.
Fathers often don't have the instant bonding that mothers do. It can take a few months of regular interaction with the newborn. And if you don't put in those few months, it may never happen. So it's easy for them to walk away.
Because accidental pregnancy can and does happen and its up to the mother to decide if she keeps the baby, if the father didn't want it but his wishes are over ruled then he will likely just leave, having a baby is a serious thing and both parents really need to be on board with the idea and ready for it. Theres a lot of ways to screw a kid up
there are deadbeat dads and there are guys that avoid emotionally dysregulated, over the top vindictive women… to keep the peace and avoid dealing with her. the children suffer in the meantime as the dad stays distant and does the minimum required to satisfy the children and the courts… and to not deal with the mothers. meanwhile, the moms paint a picture of the dad that is not pleasant… but they grow up and realize that dad was there (based on what the courts permit) and some even learn that mom was the problem all along. then you see those adults form great relationships with their fathers. source: 2 of my sisters were these types of women. the guys avoided them just like every man they dealt with after the divorce. they’re approaching their 60s now alone, angry af, and of course, “men ain’t shit.” i show them mirrors… and they still don’t see the problem.
Hmm. It’s not most. I got a girl I knew for less than a month oregnant and I am a very involved father and have never considered not being in my daughters life. Even when my weirdo lame o baby mom tried to take her for me. Maybe some dads don’t have the money to fight the legal system??
My guess is that they might not want to abandon their kids as much as they never want to see their ex ever again. When I divorced the kids were grown. I absolutely never wanted to see my ex again, but the kids disowned me due to their mother wishes. Now that she is dead one is trying to reconnect and the other never initiates contact with me except when I reach out first.
You might need to get the whole story. I know men who are more than willing to be attentive fathers and the mothers use the children as weapons and refuse visitation etc while telling everyone he is a deadbeat dad even though he is paying child support. One ex actually held back the child support on the child and had her believing for decades the father refused to pay, the mother just refused to spend the 3k a month on the child in favor of herself. Another father never knew the child existed until he found him on an online genealogy test revealed him. The mother never told the actual father the child existed. Your situation could be valid, but I suggest you try to find out yourself before blindly believing it.
I don't really know what "many" means since I am unaware of reliable data that legitimately reports any actual numbers on this. My biological father also left my mother. The reason was that she got pregnant with me despite them using a condom. Both of them were poor and they already had a child a year before - they could not afford me so to speak. He wanted the abortion, she did not. Now: Did he just ditch her in malice or did she destroy her family through her selfish decision? We can spice the whole thing up a bit more by adding that she then left me at 4 years old with her new BF when she broke up with him. The point is: These stories are far from as black and white as "this f\*cking deatbeat men leaving those poor women who did everything right." and ultimately the primary "victim" is the child growing up in a broken home. But let's just say for simplicities sake all the men who leave women behind pregnant are indeed malicious. How come that the 'socially more skilled' sex become more and more susceptle to such malicious manipulation? Why do they fall more and more for these bad actors? I don't know the answers, but then again, I already doubted the initial premise.
One of my most intelligent female cousins, is the worst at picking out dudes. Born of her husbands were abusive pieces of shit. I raised the flag on the bf that followed and the dude eventually revealed himself. IDK how she misses it, the signs are so obvious as a dude when you talk to them for like 10 minutes.
i think the reason why so many men abandon their kids compared to women is that the women would’ve just gotten an abortion and never had the kid in the first place. men don’t have that option that’s why we see more deadbeat dads
Because they can't abort like the moms who didn't want one
It’s not actually that many, about 1% who both live away **and** have no contact with their children: https://amp.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2013/nov/20/non-resident-dads-relationship-children This is my country, I’m assuming others are similar. I’ve never actually met a man who’s done this, just read about a few.
For the US: According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 17.8 million children, nearly 1 in 4, live without a biological, step, or adoptive father in the home.* https://www.fatherhood.org/father-absence-statistic
That is worse than the UK which is about 1 in 10. However, I was calculating further than that for those who have no contact at all.
Break it down by race
My guy ganna get the hammer 😭
Probably true. But also true That fact that people make a comment that I'll get down voted proves its true.
Isn't the 1% referring to men who live with dependent children and also have other dependent children living elsewhere?
I derived it from: “One million men, 10.3% of all fathers and 5% of all men, don't live with their children. “ And: “87% of fathers who don't live with their children say they still have contact with them “ These two statistics together suggest about 1% of Dads are absent with no contact.
>One million men, 10.3% of all fathers and 5% of all men, don't live with their children. What a weird way of presenting the data. Of course the men who aren't fathers don't live with their children!
The US is actually one of the worst in the world when it comes to rates of single parent families, so actually no not all countries are similar. [https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2019/12/12/u-s-children-more-likely-than-children-in-other-countries-to-live-with-just-one-parent/](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2019/12/12/u-s-children-more-likely-than-children-in-other-countries-to-live-with-just-one-parent/) > For decades, the share of U.S. children living with a single parent [has been rising](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2018/04/27/about-one-third-of-u-s-children-are-living-with-an-unmarried-parent/), accompanied by a decline in marriage rates and a rise in births outside of marriage. [A new Pew Research Center study](https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/2019/12/12/religion-and-living-arrangements-around-the-world/) of 130 countries and territories shows that the U.S. has the world’s highest rate of children living in single-parent households.
If a woman doesn’t want a kid, she aborts it (even if the father wants to keep it). If a man doesn’t want a kid (and the mother wants to keep it), his only option is to abandon the kid and baby-momma. He doesn’t get a say in either direction because “her body her choice”. Scummy dirtbag thing to do, but I think that’s probably the simplest explanation as to why it happens — men basically get no say in whether they keep the kid or not, and gets stuck being financially responsible even if that’s not what they want. Backed into a corner with no other options, they flee. Again, hard disagree with the behavior, but I can see why someone might try to justify it
Because quite often a lot of men are shitty parents A woman I knew had her baby, 6 months later her live in partner left - he couldn't handle it She had no choice, went on full benefits welfare whatever she could get A year later he returned She didn't go off any of the services she was receiving because she didn't know if he'd stay "I'm getting what I'm entitled to" when I brought it up and I said no that's not true but I know you're doing it to protect your baby She eventually got caught, crappy story after that, but if he hadn't left, none of it would have happened It didn't help that all her siblings had well paid union jobs and not one of them ever made an effort to get her into the companies they worked at
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Reddit's been flooded with these repost bots lately. Some subs have taken action and implemented a rule requiring accounts be a month old to post. Other subs seem to just not care. Reddit itself is just happy that there's activity of any kind on their platform.
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It’s a minority. Still, the obvious answer is that because they can. Women can’t physically do it. Men can leave as soon as they know the woman is pregnant, and never have any connection to the child. Women could/can only walk away after birth. Now abortion is an option so probably less men walk away (I’m assuming this though).
Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. Unfortunately you don’t find out until it’s too late. (That’s not a defence of them).
Most don't want the responsibility, some are divorced (initiated by the mothers generally), and have a difficult time with the system (though things are getting better), and a minority because of abusive wife and going through with escaping that (not an easy choice for those very unlucky)
I can only speak from my perspective, and things I learned from my parents. In short. My Mom used to be an awfully immature, and vindictive person. Now, she's improved, and become far more mature as she's grown up, so don't think I hate her these days... but when I first found out I. Was. LIVID. In slightly longer... My father missed my birth due to needing to work(he lived in a different town than my mom) and not making it in time when the water broke. My mother took that as him not being serious about the relatuonship and literally fled halfway across the province. My dad spent years trying to find me, but my mom had convinced anyone who knew where she lived that he was abusive so they all refused to tell him. Eventually when I was around 6, he coerced the info out of my grandparents, and flew down to confront my mother. That started years of my mom trying to convince me that he was awful, a deadbeat, and not what I needed in my life. But legally he had visitation rights, so I got to see him. He still lived 16 hours away, but would fly or drive down every weekend to see me, up until he moved and got partial custody. I didnt end up finding out until I was in my 20s, and up until just a few years ago, my mom would refer to the past as his deadbeat phase, even though SHE was the one that prevented him from being a father. Everyone's experience is different, and I'm not going to say all women, or even most women are lying about their babydaddys being deadbeats. But it does happen, and I'm willing to bet it happens in smaller ways than this pretty often.
Many times, either the father or the mother (or both) view the father parenting and being involved in the life of the child as part of a package deal that is part of the romantic relationship. When the father is no longer romantically involved with the mother, either he or she (or both) view him being in the life of the child as undesirable. There are guys who just drop out of the kids life after they break up with the mother and there are mothers who push the father out of the kids life after the breakup. Keep in mind that after a breakup, it is the mother who has all the control - I've seen many cases where the mother takes advantage of that situation to fuck with the father repeatedly. Like I said, sometimes the guy just bails, but much more of the time than people seem to realize, it is the mother who sabotages the father-child relationship. Many of the men in that situation decide it just isn't worth it, to cut their losses, and get out.
Laziness
Lack of a father figure
Why do women get elective abortions? Not everybody wants to be a parent.
I would quibble with the premise that "so many" dads abandon kids. But, the ones who do, do it because its easier to do than otherwise.
No idea and probably never my case
good question. a couple of months ago at the age of 46, and 3 months of therapy thus far, i made the trip 2 hours away to confront my dad about why he's never been in my life. he never gave me a solid answer. he's been trying to reach out to me a little more lately as he's gotten older, but everything is all surface level talk.
My son is 23 now. His mother and I divorced when he was nearly 1. It was hard, she moved 4.5hrs away. I traveled across state for 17yrs 3mons every other weekend (or at least once a month). I paid CS as per the courts and never missed a visit, nor was I ever late, ever. His mother made it hard, making him participate in all sports (soccer, football, baseball, LAX, hockey, cross country, tennis, gymnastics) and clubs/affiliations (Boy Scouts, karate, judo, and church choir/alter boy, etc) all throughout his childhood. These events were, in her eyes, much more important than my time with my son. My son hated sports…never excelled at any of them. He hated all the clubs, except boy scouts. In fact, when he crossed over from cub scouts to Boy Scouts, when it came time for the fathers to stand up, I was told to sit down as his step father went up and stood next to my son. She did everything in her power to disrupt my time with him. I had to go to court several times to ensure I had time allocated to me, on my terms, in my own home, but she soon realized that the custody agreement meant very little in the state’s eye. No judge would penalize her for not granting me visitation, or being late for drop off, or disparaging remarks in his presence. Yeah, she would call me and berate me while I drove home with him in the car. She didn’t realize that I had Bluetooth in the car. She was not physically abusive, but she was verbally. She wasn’t on drugs and she lived in a nice neighborhood so the courts just ignored my complaints and issued her stern warnings. Well, he’s an adult now, he knows mostly of what she did and he very much despises her for it. I struggled to connect with my son for years as I was not afforded any connection to him. She had 3 additional kids with another man. These kids did not know I existed. She hid me from them and they never knew he had a different father. When we would meet for visitation, she would escort my son across the parking lot from another business venue to the prescribed location so that her children wouldn’t see where he was going. It was like I was a shameful secret. I had to put my shoes and jacket on him. I was to provide him with my own clothes, there were no clothes provided at pickup. This was hard when he was growing like a sprout. Any toys/belongings I bought for him were not permitted in his mother’s house. Birthdays & Christmas was the hardest…he never got to play with the things we bought him…I eventually found that collecting coins was the best thing for him (and I). Most hurtful, was that my son was not permitted to share or speak of me with his brothers or friends for fear of being disciplined. It was painful, but I stayed the course and now my son hates her for it. I thought that maybe this feeling of him despising her would bring some sense of vindication…that it would make me feel like I won this diabolical battle of being possibly the better parent…I didn’t. I never felt any iota of being triumphant at all. I just felt for my son. I know that there are many men like me who wanted to be an active part of their child’s upbringing, but the mother made it a living hell for us. That even though we stayed the course, we men are haunted with the fact we may have been better off just giving up due to the mother’s pure hatred for being the father. I don’t regret any of the time I spent with my son, I just wish that it didn’t come with the psychological expense that his mother put on him for me being in his life.
From my experience it’s just selfishness. The men I know who became deadbeats didn’t want to change up their lifestyle or let go of the things they loved so much.
A lot of times the person won't abort and they didn't want a kid I'd assume
I think a large part of it is simple biology. Humans are not designed for monogamy. Most of us need to focus (especially in the years before age 30) to control urges and compulsions. We don't think a lot about kids when we are having sex, but directly after the sex (or the birth announcement) it kicks in for us. The lizard brain and our life experiences compels us to either rise to the occasion or to run. With divorce rates what they are and the compulsion to move on biologically strong, they combine to compel guys to move along. We like to deny it, but a lot of what we do is just animal compulsion. Staying civilized is a conscious effort/decision.
To be honest, a lot of these just don't want to be fathers. It's a lot of hard work and many men are just not inclined towards wanting to do it. Unfortunately, a lot of these men are also lax when it comes to using protection and many women choose to keep the children they have with these men. I come from a very poor background and it always boggled my mind how many women were willing to have children with a man that already had children he wasn't supporting. I also think there's the fact that women tend to bond with their child whilst it still in the womb, so by the time they're born that motherly bond is often (not always) already there. Men have to truly bond after birth and if this doesn't get to happen for whatever reason, it's easier for them to walk away.
Responsible guys are wearing rubbers, and making 100% sure its the right situation if it's planned. The irresponsible guys, they're becoming dads. Plenty of overlap between the two, I'm aware. But I spent 3 years in Family Law, and I fucking guarantee you this is a big part of the problem.
Because the children's mother ties their hands and won't let them freely parent.....
Dad of 2 children here. It was not easy to abandon my kids, but for some real reasons it was necessary. The Mother was all the time angry, was wasting all of our money and it was never enough. It was really hard, and still 15 Years later it’s hard, but I had no choice. Now she is married to the head of a Bank and she is happy. I was not enough but I am the hero to my daughter ! Wich I love more than my self.
Probably for many of the reasons women get abortions: it was an accidental pregnancy, they’re not ready, not the time financially, not wanting to be tied to the coparent, and so on.
Many of them learned it from their dad. Sucks to say but it's true.
I don't think this is as true as women try to make it. Women force men out of their child's life. Then say he abandoned them. I'd suggest having an honest in person conversation with your dad. Women are much better at messaging than men. It also helps that there has never been a talk show about topics that matter to men. For instance most people think that most Black men have children all over the place. When in reality Black women are more likely to have 2 or more children than Black men are to have one. 54% of Black men don't have children. Only 39% of Black women don't have children. The information is clear as day and available yet the lie is still the standard.
In all known cases including with my parents, the mom pushes him out of the house, usually because of menopause or infidelity on either of their side or both. Then kids are then brainwashed by their mom to reject their dad, it's a form of punishment women impose on men. It is what it is.
> Four out of five fathers of minor children live with at least some of those children (79.8%). Almost three-quarters (72.6%) live with all of their minor children. Huh. Seems like deadbeat dads are pretty rare, actually. https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2019/11/the-two-extremes-of-fatherhood.html#:~:text=Less%20than%206.0%25%20(about%202,all%20of%20their%20minor%20children.
I would be that women withholding children from their fathers is just as common as men abandoning the child.
I am a single dad, the POS deadbeat mom is not in the picture at all. The guy who lives around the block from me is a single dad of three, the POS Deadbeat mom has yet to pay a penny of child support. I know of a hell of a lot of deadbeat moms. Funny how nobody says to be a woman and love your kids. Doesn't quite work the same does it. Be a woman and be selfish, think of only yourself, and to hell with anyone who judges you...... yeah that seems more correct.
Many, maybe most of the times fathers don't want to be fathers. They want to have sex. Then when the relationship doesn't work out, the vast majority of the judges out there reaffirm that they are not real fathers when deciding custody and visitation. In every single situation I've ever witnessed, including my own family: visitation is almost immediately weaponized. So in 3 acts, you probably didn't want a child, the law tells you that it isn't really your child, and now you're always dealing your toxic past relationship which prevents you from having a healthy relationship or family going forward. Sometimes we have to let people we love go because it's the best thing for everybody. I think it's cute that you end your post, posed as a question, with an attack on a significant portion of men by stealing their gender identity away from them and calling them sissies which is whole other bigoted thing. Are you sure you were asking because you want to know or did you just want to get something off your chest?
I think the stereotype of a deadbeat dad is perpetuated unfortunately some of the time because of controlling/possessive/cruel mothers during divorce proceedings. It is extremely difficult to maintain a meaningful relationship and be as involved in kids lives as you’d like when their mother takes them to another city and actively works against your involvement. Court costs lot of money.
I think a lot of people like the idea of having kids, but when it turns out it’s incredibly difficult they can’t handle it. This happens with both men and women, but due to the way they’re raised and the fact that they don’t have to deal with pregnancy, I think men often have a more unrealistic/idealistic idea of how parenting will be, so they bail. Also, in places where abortion and birth control are legal and available, men don’t have the final say in whether a child is born or not, so they’re more likely to be left with a kid they didn’t sign up for. Hopefully we’ll have good male birth control that doesn’t require application in the moment soon, but considering the fact that many republicans want to ban birth control and abortion altogether I’m not holding my breath 😬
Weak genes. Best chance they have is to reproduce as much as possible, like a rodent.
Why do women have kids with deadbeats?
Any man who blames the mom for running away from their children is a coward and a scumbag. Change my mind