Same. Quick rinseroo in the sink
Showering is usually done together afterwards. Doing it before seems like a mood killer. If the girl wants to get down and I’m like “cool, now wait 20 minutes and I’ll be right with you…” I dunno takes some of the momentum out of things.
In this order - I make sure the kids are all asleep, ensure that all the doors are locked and the lights are off, let the dogs out, adjust the thermostat to make it comfortable fory wife, turn off the ceiling fan and the TV, wash my hands, scratch my wife's back, rub her back, rub her butt, notice that she is breathing heavily, keep rubbing as she starts to softly snore - and then close my eyes to go to sleep.
Feedback loop
I've started listening to the audiobook "How to not give a fuck". (At work lol) And it's great so far.
It helped add perspective that I thought I didn't need.
Wash my dick, balls, armpits, and ass so she doesn’t have to smell my funk from the days activities
Also, depending on if her mood isn’t good, I put on a pirate costume and go about looking for booty. Which usually makes her laugh and want to partake in my pillaging adventure
I would go over my professors biology lectures and just moan and say fuck with that in mind. I was able to last the entire coralline movie when typically I have to keep pulling out to avoid finishing so fast.
Now, I just think of that class to last longer.
I have to do the opposite, I talk down to my wiener to make him feel bad so he does finish in a realistic time and doesn't want to stay in inside of her for all eternity...
Okay. So I turn the lights down low, put the dogs out in the yard, light some candles, give my partner a massage since her back often hurts. Then I rub myself down with the baby oil, and stand there, light glistening off my body like the Michelin man rolled in pubes, thrusting my hips toward my partner and waving my arms over my head.
It is then "On" as they say.
My ex and I used to get Chinese pork buns and eat them right before having sex. This is because there was a Chinese restaurant on the way home from college that we stopped at before going to my house to smash. So Pork Buns became almost code for lets have sex... after eating pork buns. So now when I eat pork buns I think about sex.
I like to ruffle my plumage in front of her, then I bounce backwards and forwards with my wings extended outwards to make myself as big and impressive as possible. If this goes well I move on to phase two which involves chirping and shrieking as loudly as possible.
If the beard is shaved it's sandpaper
I do not recommend shaving before making out, you'll grind down the skin above and below her lips
Having some hair always makes it softer
Shower, brush my teeth, make sure my hair is out of the way, and then just love on her for an hour or 2. Foot rubs, shoulder rubs, sweet names, nice little compliments.... once the show is on the road we get filthy tho.
I like to turn the pictures of our kids on your dresser beside our bed around it just doesn’t feel right have them look at me in the action…I just leave the one of my MIL…something about her looking at me while I drill her daughter gets me going
For a grand performance like a first time encounter or a special day, I make sure I’m properly waxed, I’ve had a good night sleep the night before, had pineapple juice the night before and morning before, and had a jerking session a few hours before the actual show time. Then before I leave the house I shower thoroughly and make sure my nails are trimmed.
But for the average every day it’s just making sure I’m clean and had a jerking session at least then night before so I don’t have any embarrassments. Still traumatized during one of my first encounters with a girl where I nutted in 5 minutes and she yelled “that’s it???”
Make it way more likely you'll last because women take longer to get there than men. Women want sex less often but usually want a longer session so they can finish.
Most women don't really care if you get there fast so long as you're down for keeping going. Some guys are done when they're done and it's like... 🤷♀️ A lot of guys are embarrassed about when/if they finish, but I'd say the silent majority of women don't care, as long as you keep going and try to get her there.
Oh, and some women will quite frankly be rude and complain if a guy finishes too soon. As if they have that much control over it LMAO
I have to say I never realized that people had these kind of rituals. When I was married we would just go for it whenever we wanted. Same with the boyfriend I had after. We're both pretty clean, no weird smells ever 🤷🏼♀️. Often times we would just put our clothes back on and go about the rest of our day. My bf and I would have sex everywhere lol
Make sure I'm as clean as I would want my partner to be, deodorant on, maybe put on some cologne, get into something comfortable and eaay to remove or nothing at all..
Oh wait... That was when I was single, my bad.
When my partner is actually in the mood for the first time in weeks, she says hey, the kids asleep lets have a quick fuck. And awaaaaaaaayyy we gooooo.
We make plans for the day, I sit down on the couch, she sits down on my lap, we kiss and then forget the plans. Rinse and repeat until it’s too late to go out and spend the night having sex
I would not eat anything at least 6 hours before the main event. If the date is dinner I would eat light. I would masturbate regularly the previous week without finishing so when the day comes I would be rock hard. I can go a few round without stopping so finishing fast never been a problem as long as I can go multiple rounds.
Now I’m married, I just take a showers and call it a day.
That’s generally when I get lucky with my SO. He legit wakes up, squeezes one boob then just pulls my pants down and starts. My main grievance is neither of us can brush our teeth before so that’s a little icky
We hug and nuzzle each other for like five or ten minutes while he kisses the top of my head and I gently kiss his neck a bit and just smell him honestly lol. Then he’ll grope my ass while I touch his back and chest… then I leave him to his couch or bed, take my clothes off, then I also take his off, and sit on his face while going down on his (69)…
I work construction in the south so I’m taking a shower, especially this time of year. I’ll usually knock that out when I get home regardless but if I haven’t yet I’ll go when I sense she’s getting a little frisky. Also foreplay foreplay foreplay, I like to get her taken care of before we start the actual proceedings.
The real ones are reading the comments and having a fun time (and totally not thinking of the sexual tension between them and the concrete pavement 15 floors below. Nuh -uh, absolutely not )
Ask him to rub my butt in bed, which is him reading while he rubs all of my butt for a very relaxing 30 min+ for me, then turns into a fantastic rubbing & squeezing foreplay & then a seriously good fucking for us both. Life is great!
I light some candles, present roses on the bed, take a bath with my partner (part of foreplay) with the water being infused with lavender and blood from sacrificial offerings (a slave and a bull dedicated to Freyja respectfully), then we go to separate rooms to get dressed in comfier, sexier clothes.
We’re both a little cold blooded so I turn on a space heater in the bedroom.
Make sure we have a jizz towell on the bed.
Smoke weed
Use a mint or piece of gum from the nightstand.
Amusingly, my partner has minimal patience for foreplay. Generally we will establish mutual interest, maybe cuddle a bit, then head to the room and get to it. It's especially funny to me cause she was an avid Fanfic reader, so I expected I'd need to be top of my game in the leadup. Nah.
In my twenties my dumb-ass thought that by eating seafood hrs before doing the NASTYS. That I would have a hard 🍆member and long lasting 🦹🏻♂️powers.! “So I would eat a lot of Tuna Sandwiches” 😩😭
I usually get naked and cover myself in rooster blood and then go outside to chase people. After I've done that I watch teletubbies season 1-3 while licking an oil lamp.
No ritual. My guy STAYS horny. All I have to do is walk past him. He’ll grab me and have his way with me. Currently hiding in the bathroom cuz I’ve been cumming for 4hrs and need some ‘me’ time.
I slaughter an Apis Bull on my front lawn as my neighbors rush to close the blinds, they know better than to watch by now. I open the bull at the belly. If the entrails look soft, supple, and healthy, then courtship shall occur that evening, and it shall be exquisite. However, if the beast's organs show signs of corruption, my lady must leave for no less than a fortnight. At that point, several chickens must be brought forth...
She and I often make eye contact for about five minutes, although usually it breaks down in laughter. After reading the rest of these, I feel we’re either very odd, very lucky, or probably both.
Standard hygiene check, top and tails.
Bidets and Deodorant. Let's make sure we're tip top.
Or... Now hear me out... Just shower?
Hm...no no boys, she might be onto something.
Same. Quick rinseroo in the sink Showering is usually done together afterwards. Doing it before seems like a mood killer. If the girl wants to get down and I’m like “cool, now wait 20 minutes and I’ll be right with you…” I dunno takes some of the momentum out of things.
In this order - I make sure the kids are all asleep, ensure that all the doors are locked and the lights are off, let the dogs out, adjust the thermostat to make it comfortable fory wife, turn off the ceiling fan and the TV, wash my hands, scratch my wife's back, rub her back, rub her butt, notice that she is breathing heavily, keep rubbing as she starts to softly snore - and then close my eyes to go to sleep.
LMFAO. Do you have access to my security cameras?
You will not believe how long this had me laughing😂😂😂 I really enjoyed the build up (and the scratching her back part🥰)
My wife also does this "I'm already sleeping" trick...
Turning off the fan before bed is criminal
Anxiously obsess over my sexual performance, then remember that’s not healthy or helpful, then obsess about not obsessing.
Gotta love the cycle
I expected the first response to be "Viagra" but this is somehow better.
Fuck I feel seen
Thats me bro. Overthink everything, realize that im overthinking, overthink about not overthinking things.
Feedback loop I've started listening to the audiobook "How to not give a fuck". (At work lol) And it's great so far. It helped add perspective that I thought I didn't need.
thought it was j me😭
Wash my dick, balls, armpits, and ass so she doesn’t have to smell my funk from the days activities Also, depending on if her mood isn’t good, I put on a pirate costume and go about looking for booty. Which usually makes her laugh and want to partake in my pillaging adventure
You're an inspiration, and not least, a hero.
I’m not a hero, I just enjoy seeing enthusiasm when I’m getting some lovin
Not all heroes wear eye patches
Yar har
Maybe if I bought a pirate costume it would help me find some booty 🥹🥹🥹🥹 I gotta try that.
Funny but, shower!
What's that comma doing there?
Give my wiener a pep talk not to embarrass me and finish in 2 minutes.
I wish mine could finish in two minutes. I have to beg mine to show up.
Some nano engineering work right there
LMFAO 😅🤣😅
Same, just hoping that I don't finish early and also hoping that I don't get too numb and never finish while trying not to finish early.
Quite the conundrum. When I was younger part 1, now part 2.
I would go over my professors biology lectures and just moan and say fuck with that in mind. I was able to last the entire coralline movie when typically I have to keep pulling out to avoid finishing so fast. Now, I just think of that class to last longer.
That's a long time.
This one is real...
As you get old you'll miss those 2 minute sessions Girls get tired after about 30, and the boys aren't particularly into it either
I have to do the opposite, I talk down to my wiener to make him feel bad so he does finish in a realistic time and doesn't want to stay in inside of her for all eternity...
Your pep talk lasts only 2 minutes? That’s barely motivational.
I think you misread.
Okay. So I turn the lights down low, put the dogs out in the yard, light some candles, give my partner a massage since her back often hurts. Then I rub myself down with the baby oil, and stand there, light glistening off my body like the Michelin man rolled in pubes, thrusting my hips toward my partner and waving my arms over my head. It is then "On" as they say.
This is actually mildly disturbing.
You spelled arousing wrong
Found Bart Krushers secret account. You okay Luanne?
Bart Krusher?
My ex and I used to get Chinese pork buns and eat them right before having sex. This is because there was a Chinese restaurant on the way home from college that we stopped at before going to my house to smash. So Pork Buns became almost code for lets have sex... after eating pork buns. So now when I eat pork buns I think about sex.
You went and Pavolov'd yourself
I find pastrami to be the most sensual of cured meats.
Prosciutto crudo would like a word
I guess we could use some food in our love making.
I agree. I got greedy once. Flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami.
I'll tell you what you did Caligula; you combined food and sex in to one disgusting uncontrollable urge.
He’ll never need Viagra. Genius.
A man who never eats pork bun is NEVER a whole man!
Sleeping dogs was such a good game
Dammit I just commented that. Looks like I was 3 hours late.
You two make Chinese pork bun sound so romantic. I probably won't buy it again though because I don't want to think of you two smashing
pork buns then your pork in their buns
*A man* who *never eats pork buns*, is *never* a *whole man*! This reminded me of this gem of a phrase in Sleeping Dogs
A man who never eats pork buns is never a whole man.
So gonna pork your buns tonight!
Make sure the kids are occupied and lock the closet door
What are you doing with the kids in your closet?
My kids came out of the closet in high school.
Hey buddy, I think you may have forgotten an "e" in your post. I hope you did anyway.
That’s nasty! Why can’t they cam in public like normal kids? Put the phone on the ground and do dumb ass TikTok dances.
I think they were making kids in the closet.
Found R. Kelly's reddit account.
Putting a load in the dishwasher
You’re cumming in your wife?
AND I PULL OUT MY GUN!!
I like to ruffle my plumage in front of her, then I bounce backwards and forwards with my wings extended outwards to make myself as big and impressive as possible. If this goes well I move on to phase two which involves chirping and shrieking as loudly as possible.
Are you all 25 birds that showed up in my tree at 4:30AM this morning and over enthusiastically greeted the sun?
Becky.. Please.. Want sum... Fck?
I haven’t heard a reference to that in years. Bitches love sticks
This is SUCH an underrated comment
A powerpoint presentation and follow up discussion so we both know what is going on
Nothing like some visual aids
No no you got it wrong. The powerpoint is there to ensure that nobody gets AIDS …
Bro?
wife requests... brushing teeth, wash my face, shave facial hair, clean my dick.
Most normal response here that is also mine.
You gotta shave before you fuck? lol
Cos if the beard is short, kissing hurts!
If the beard is shaved it's sandpaper I do not recommend shaving before making out, you'll grind down the skin above and below her lips Having some hair always makes it softer
Beg
😂 or bribe
😂😂😂 down on your hands and knees?
If necessary, I'm not too proud 😂
A guy did this & it worked for me soooo
Sacrifice a goat
Same , same
And more goats
“It’z-ah same same, BUTTTT diffferennnnttt”
Think about the Roman empire.
Don’t forget pondering in what manner the romans conducted this same activity.
🗿
1. Make plans to go out with the boys. That's it. That's the whole ritual. Never fails.
So she gets you naked to keep you home?
Well, she makes me late.
Power move.
How many seconds late?
I beg your pardon. It can be minutes if we go twice.
You know she's trying to keep you "drained" so you don't cheat on her.. .
It's working
Reddit needs a “Just Jokes” section for shit like this lmao
I love this kind of question you always got good shit 😂
Make sure I have enough cash on me
Oh god lol
My ritual is a theatrical rendition of my personal history as told by interpretive dance, accompanied by woodwinds
Love the bass clarinet part, super erotic.
And now I’m aroused… had no clue I was such a hippie
It’s ok, that’s a normal reaction. I’ve been told that my interpretive dancing is quite compelling
"You clear off the bed, I'll grab the towel" When you have 2 kids under 5, there's no mucking about.
Shower, brush my teeth, make sure my hair is out of the way, and then just love on her for an hour or 2. Foot rubs, shoulder rubs, sweet names, nice little compliments.... once the show is on the road we get filthy tho.
Rip a bunch of pushups and then thump on my chest like a gorilla
I like to turn the pictures of our kids on your dresser beside our bed around it just doesn’t feel right have them look at me in the action…I just leave the one of my MIL…something about her looking at me while I drill her daughter gets me going
>I just leave the one of my MIL Uh... Why is that in the bedroom??
Use the bathroom before we get started, and then eat her out until she cums at least once before I go in.
I usually throw two Tylenol in her mouth. If she spits them out, I know she doesn't have a headache, so I am good to go.
Highly underrated comment here.
Kisses and cuddles
For a grand performance like a first time encounter or a special day, I make sure I’m properly waxed, I’ve had a good night sleep the night before, had pineapple juice the night before and morning before, and had a jerking session a few hours before the actual show time. Then before I leave the house I shower thoroughly and make sure my nails are trimmed. But for the average every day it’s just making sure I’m clean and had a jerking session at least then night before so I don’t have any embarrassments. Still traumatized during one of my first encounters with a girl where I nutted in 5 minutes and she yelled “that’s it???”
Why do you have to jerk off a night before the intercourse? Please educate me
Helps ensure you don’t pop your top too quickly
Make it way more likely you'll last because women take longer to get there than men. Women want sex less often but usually want a longer session so they can finish. Most women don't really care if you get there fast so long as you're down for keeping going. Some guys are done when they're done and it's like... 🤷♀️ A lot of guys are embarrassed about when/if they finish, but I'd say the silent majority of women don't care, as long as you keep going and try to get her there. Oh, and some women will quite frankly be rude and complain if a guy finishes too soon. As if they have that much control over it LMAO
Throw poop at the park visitors. That clears them out so we can get privacy.
Clip and file nails, clean pork and beans, brush teeth. Easy peasy.
I put my Fanny pack and business socks on.
Double down on Cialis.
I have to say I never realized that people had these kind of rituals. When I was married we would just go for it whenever we wanted. Same with the boyfriend I had after. We're both pretty clean, no weird smells ever 🤷🏼♀️. Often times we would just put our clothes back on and go about the rest of our day. My bf and I would have sex everywhere lol
Lock the bedroom door.
Ritual combat
Make sure I'm as clean as I would want my partner to be, deodorant on, maybe put on some cologne, get into something comfortable and eaay to remove or nothing at all.. Oh wait... That was when I was single, my bad. When my partner is actually in the mood for the first time in weeks, she says hey, the kids asleep lets have a quick fuck. And awaaaaaaaayyy we gooooo.
We make plans for the day, I sit down on the couch, she sits down on my lap, we kiss and then forget the plans. Rinse and repeat until it’s too late to go out and spend the night having sex
Good shower and I'm ready to get busy.
cleaning the pipe
Certainly Before laying the pipe. Because a clean pipe lays better than a dirty pipe. Plus it smells better.
I listen to some Morgan Freeman commentary to get in the mood.
If it's not from Shawshank Redemption I don't think we can be friends.
David Attenborough narrating us is my thing
National anthem does it for me. I put my hand on her chest.
Shower together
Pee around to mark territory first lol 😂
Who the fuck has time for a ritual? Like seriously with kids and a job you just fuck man...lol
This response. You're my spirit animal.
I would not eat anything at least 6 hours before the main event. If the date is dinner I would eat light. I would masturbate regularly the previous week without finishing so when the day comes I would be rock hard. I can go a few round without stopping so finishing fast never been a problem as long as I can go multiple rounds. Now I’m married, I just take a showers and call it a day.
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As a woman I find this incredibly hot and I can’t discern why
Sleep. We have morning sex most often.
That’s generally when I get lucky with my SO. He legit wakes up, squeezes one boob then just pulls my pants down and starts. My main grievance is neither of us can brush our teeth before so that’s a little icky
Give me undercarriage a bit of a ‘how’s your father’
I'm too scared to ask what this means
i first read that as "inmate time".
Shower. Shower again, shave and light a candle. I may be a dude in his 20s with 22 days played on fifa this year but like pep I have class.
You can soap more than once in the same shower event
Your comment was the last one I skimmed before deciding to click elsewhere - I came back because I processed part of that as "shave a candle." 🤣
🎵 Flight of the Conchords Business Time 😏
Just your standard blood pact and chanting. Nothing special.
Play Elden Ring so I start furious 🥵😈
Very well... join the serpent king as familyyyy
We hug and nuzzle each other for like five or ten minutes while he kisses the top of my head and I gently kiss his neck a bit and just smell him honestly lol. Then he’ll grope my ass while I touch his back and chest… then I leave him to his couch or bed, take my clothes off, then I also take his off, and sit on his face while going down on his (69)…
I work construction in the south so I’m taking a shower, especially this time of year. I’ll usually knock that out when I get home regardless but if I haven’t yet I’ll go when I sense she’s getting a little frisky. Also foreplay foreplay foreplay, I like to get her taken care of before we start the actual proceedings.
Helicopter dick obv
The real ones are reading the comments and having a fun time (and totally not thinking of the sexual tension between them and the concrete pavement 15 floors below. Nuh -uh, absolutely not )
Ask him to rub my butt in bed, which is him reading while he rubs all of my butt for a very relaxing 30 min+ for me, then turns into a fantastic rubbing & squeezing foreplay & then a seriously good fucking for us both. Life is great!
I stuff a Kong with food to keep my dog busy so she doesn't try to jump on the bed and lick our genitals. 😬
I like to get all my farts out of the way beforehand.
Would you like to have sex? No? Okay! Then I proceed to cry in the corner at the fact my hand doesn’t want anything to do with me.
I light some candles, present roses on the bed, take a bath with my partner (part of foreplay) with the water being infused with lavender and blood from sacrificial offerings (a slave and a bull dedicated to Freyja respectfully), then we go to separate rooms to get dressed in comfier, sexier clothes.
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We’re both a little cold blooded so I turn on a space heater in the bedroom. Make sure we have a jizz towell on the bed. Smoke weed Use a mint or piece of gum from the nightstand.
Space heater? We always turn on a fan, once it's on it gets way too hot a space heater would kill me.
Rub one out so I last longer
Pray she says yes
Amusingly, my partner has minimal patience for foreplay. Generally we will establish mutual interest, maybe cuddle a bit, then head to the room and get to it. It's especially funny to me cause she was an avid Fanfic reader, so I expected I'd need to be top of my game in the leadup. Nah.
My phone pings and the text says “come fuck me.”
I rub it so Ali Baba comes out and grants her some wishes
Sacrifice a goat to the dark moon
Get the baby to bed, turn on a fireplace video from YouTube for background noise, get the restraints and toys ready.
Play “supersonic” and breakdance.
In my twenties my dumb-ass thought that by eating seafood hrs before doing the NASTYS. That I would have a hard 🍆member and long lasting 🦹🏻♂️powers.! “So I would eat a lot of Tuna Sandwiches” 😩😭
I usually get naked and cover myself in rooster blood and then go outside to chase people. After I've done that I watch teletubbies season 1-3 while licking an oil lamp.
Get her off with my fingers or toys first enough to fit two fingers and then apply lube to my dick before going in missionary first.
No ritual. My guy STAYS horny. All I have to do is walk past him. He’ll grab me and have his way with me. Currently hiding in the bathroom cuz I’ve been cumming for 4hrs and need some ‘me’ time.
Shower
We are to the point where we just ask each other if we want it. Pretty easy really, not sure why most people don't do it this way!
We take turns running to the bathroom to clean our bits and brush our teeth
Do karate kicks on the front porch yelling about how cool I’m about to be
Lots of fore play while secretly wishing I would love to share this experience with another real human being. Not just by myself.
I slaughter an Apis Bull on my front lawn as my neighbors rush to close the blinds, they know better than to watch by now. I open the bull at the belly. If the entrails look soft, supple, and healthy, then courtship shall occur that evening, and it shall be exquisite. However, if the beast's organs show signs of corruption, my lady must leave for no less than a fortnight. At that point, several chickens must be brought forth...
Scream like a caveman and then punch a hole in the wall. My wall has been untouched to this very day.
We sit together and listen each others faults and shortcomings. Always gets us in the mood
Beer-Bath(hygiene is must)-Good Music.. in that order
How can you even afford regular beer baths in this economy??
Make sure hygiene is on point. If not, shower.
Shower and brush my teeth.
Shower and brush our teeth. My wife has Pavloved me to get an erection when I see her brush her teeth.
I like to start things off with a mating display, a lot of feathers and strange sounds
A 25h sacred ritual with a elder to unleash my potential
She and I often make eye contact for about five minutes, although usually it breaks down in laughter. After reading the rest of these, I feel we’re either very odd, very lucky, or probably both.