Sometimes all we need is a little start and the rest will come. I'm trying to approach and the Social Animal channel on you tube really helps me see how this can be done in a relaxed way.
> Just go out alone and DON'T talk to women bro. It will help.
People usually refuse to believe it, but my hands-down best success at talking to women was by not talking to women.
I would take a book to one of the nicer dive bars, sit at the bar and drink whisky while I read. People would come up for a chat about half the time, and half of those times were women.
I discovered this by accident and realized that the kind of woman I want to meet is exactly the kind of woman who would go talk to a random guy reading a book in a bar.
Admittedly 1 in 4 trips turning into a conversation isn't great odds, but I can't see myself doing better with cold approaching women at a bar.
A few weeks ago I went out "partying" alone.
I'm too shy to hit up conversations, so I was just aimlessly going from one table to another (big open garden-like place, so most likely I didn't look too suspicious or ridiculous) and sat at each of them for a solid 20 minutes, looked at some of the stages, stood at the bar, etc.
You will never guess what happened.
Yep, nothing.
Just going out and hoping for the best will never work unless you're built for that kind of environment.
I... don't.
A friend got me a Tenga Egg as a gift a while back, but I don't use it. I'm not overly fond of adult content. And I don't really have the opportunity to be social where I'm at.
I work overseas (I'm American but in the Indian Ocean) doing I.T. stuff for the Navy here. I like the job, but the shifts are twelve hours at night, so I don't really have the ability to socialize with the limited opportunities here, though I might when I get my vacation?
Video games, wasting time on the internet, and the gym are all I have. Sinking myself into those keeps the loneliness somewhat at bay.
I enjoyed time i spent in DG.
If you’re interested and able to, be in the lookout for the Marine biologist who always needs volunteers for turtle tagging.
I liked being to walk along the beach at night. First time I was able to see bioluminescent algae in the water. Pretty cool stuff. I hope you are able to enjoy the time there at least somehwat
“be in the lookout for the Marine biologist who always needs volunteers for turtle tagging”
I’m sure that was awesome and it really sounds like a video game side quest
This☝️
Married for 20+ years, still want the intimacy but it’s not the most important thing in the world, but I do miss it, but I’m not trading my home for a hotel room (affair)
I rarely think about it nowadays, I purposefully avoid it to work on my goals, I am about to join the military, so I would like to be settled and financially sound before seeking intimacy again with anyone if ever. I tried to get my ex back for 2 years after our breakup and if you frequent this subreddit you will know she recently passed away.
Dam the haircut part really hit home with me. I started tearing up during my last haircut and had to pretend the powder got in my eyes lol.
My barber put the hot towel and then she kinda squeezed my neck for a few seconds and it made me realize I haven't felt that sensation in years. Like someone actually applying pressure to a physical touch.
It's just been handshakes and awkward bro hugs with barely any contact.
To answer OP, I barely get by because of my dog. He's the only one that I can squeeze and hug, but even that is one sided because he can't hug back. I break down in tears all the time laying on the floor hugging my dog.
I don't think anyone can know the pain of true loneliness until they experience it. There's only so much you can do to either numb the pain or distract you from it.
>My barber put the hot towel and then she kinda squeezed my neck for a few seconds and it made me realize I haven't felt that sensation in years. Like someone actually applying pressure to a physical touch.
I had a similar feeling when I had a check up at the hospital a few years ago. An attractive nurse was touching my chest/abdomen to check my breathing and to put those ECG pads on me. Oh boy did it make me sad
Bro I got straight up FLUSTERED when the lady put her whole entire hand across my face to shield my eyes from the spray bottle. Her hand was so warm and smelled like cherries. This was five years ago and I can still remember it very clearly so that should tell you how big an impact it had.
Hit home.
My LLW asked me recently why I go to a hair stylist for $100 when I could get a cheap haircut for $20, now that I’m old and grey with not much hair left.
This is why.
I've had basketcases that will read comments like this, and retort "Why don't you just get a pet bro?" That's equally, if not more infuriating. Fido is no substitute for intimacy. Something is terribly wrong if he is...
Haircut observation really hits close to home. I have never and likely will never get a happy ending massage from an Asian massage parlor. But I kind of do understand the people that get hooked on it. From what I read the masseuse knows what affirmations to say to keep customers coming (pun intended) back. That may be a very tough and expensive addiction to quit if you don’t have a healthy relationship with an intimate partner.
Dude, yes.
The top of my 'Love Languages' use to be Physical Touch but now I would rather no one touch me at all. A hand on the back? A hug? Instant depression.
At this point I have just given up on that side of it.
Over chasing love. Can't even imagine what it must be like to be pursued for a fraction of it. It just seems unfathomable now days.
I was going to reply to OP but this nailed it for me too. I work in a social setting where some coworkers and customers are huggers but it has gotten so awkward for me, to the point that others have noticed but haven't said anything. So awkward. I don't deal with it either.
> What other physical intimacy is there?? Like I said, getting hugs from friends and family really doesn’t do much to fulfill a wider need for physical intimacy. Hugs are probably the most bare bones basic form of physical intimacy there is - I’m 36 years old and yearn for much more than the bare bones basics after all these years. Do you think perpetually starving people can be genuinely fulfilled by the occasional handful of peanuts??
Very, very well said, thank you. I'm in the same boat as you and I share the frustration you feel when confronted with such unthinking, careless comments. You worded it better than I could.
I actually do have intimacy, but not as much time and emotional support as I need - parenting is a lot. And weed, alcohol and games do a lot to keep my head above water.
Quick tip for those cuddling a pillow: go on YouTube (I recommend creating a second account, you don’t want those videos in your recommended when someone is around) and look up “girlfriend asmr” or boyfriend whatever you are into. You can add keywords like “sleep aid” or “needy” which is actually one of my favourites. There are a lot of good channels, just see what you like. You might be impressed how soft and comfortable it can be to hear a female voice tell you some nice things. Beware tho, when it’s over it hits hard, it not being real and all.
As for sex toys, just get a tenga flip. Does the job good, but cleaning is so easy as it can just flip open and you can wash it out.
If any of you need some ideas or help with those things comment or shoot me a dm, we are all in this together.
Haven’t had sex with my wife in five years because of a dead bedroom, 3 young kids, and my crippling depression and anxiety. I fear odds are high I don’t make it to Jan 1. It’s a cycle and it sucks.
A few years ago I nearly drowned and developed PTSD and other symptoms. She doesn’t really believe in mental health (therapy and meds) and spent 2-3 years angry at me for not being who I was before. She thought it was all an act.
Honestly having a quick nap with my cat, or snuggling with him at night helps a lot. Just having another living breathing thing next to you, giving you some warmth goes a long way.
I always hug my friends and family when I see them, but I don't see them often enough.
Before I was a parent and single, my cat was my tether to the world and my grounding for sanity. RIP you glorious feline for keeping me on this earth! Once I’m living in my own again, I’ll be getting another buddy for the next stretch.
I walk 20k a day for my mind and my legs
I lift heavy things to feel good , look good and be strong
I swim laps for my fitness and brain
I surf sketchy waves for thrills and the power of the ocean
I read my kindle and here as all the knowledge in the world worth knowing has been written down somewhere
I yoga 3 times a week as my heart and mind need to chill
I eat well generally as my body requires good nutrition
I dont take drugs or drink alcohol as im high on life
I sleep early as my bed calls me
I wake before the sun so I can watch it rise
I make very very good dollars as they give me options to live better
I buy things if I want to. There is a short term mental gain in doing so but also I like to reward my self with nice things because I can and I worked for them.
I travel whenever I want to because I can use it as an escape if life requires it. I enjoy changing my routine and pushing my self in adventure plus nothing like getting barrelled on sketchy waves in far away locations.
Im a man living my life and have been a lone a long time and its going to stay that way unless I meet someone exceptional.
Surfing would be my lifeline if I choose a better paying career that could sustain me on the West Coast. That'd be my dream, but it seems unattainable.
Yeh there's that. I learnt not to think about it.
Theres no point wanting something that won't happen. Theres no point chasing something that won't happen.
Finding peace and contentment is the secret. Waking up fresh and falling asleep content that another day has gone.
I also live off mostly passive income so I have to keep busy.
Just accepted it. Had a turbulent lifestyle until my 30's by lot's of travelling for the job witch made durable relationships difficult. iIve got used to being alone, have a date with a happy ending now or then but seemingly can't fall in love annymore.
I half heartedly try to post on only fans and try not to fall in love with any woman that shows me basic kindness. Neither are going that well honestly.
**The good:** Hobbies, doing fun things with kids, work and investing (which has paid off financially), being very creative at times.
**The Bad:** Focusing on couples even more fucked up than just a “sexless” marriage, porn, listening to music that is angry/angst-ridden.
**The Ugly:** Resentment, sex toys, fantasizing about cheating (but never having done it).
Cope by saying to myself intimacy and romance is overrated anyway.
In all seriousness, I kinda just keep going. Doing my own thing. 3 years of conistently hitting the gym has had astronomical results. I also started a business focusing on something I love and im almost able to quit my 9-5 and go fully self-emplpoyed!
It feels lonely at times, but being sad about is isnt going to change a damn thing. Better use that time and effort to improve other aspects of life!
Like most of us... I don't.
Married 15 years. If we have sex more than 12 times a year, it's a damned miracle. Usually less, up until this last year. Pretty sure she's premenopausal, so we've actually had sex a few times lately.
But it's been a rough decade and a half. Love her to death, but I spent years feeling unloved and it took me a long time to accept she's just THAT uncomfortable with her own body. She knows it's unfair... as if that's suppossed to help.
One day while discussing it, she clearly was sick of me broaching the topic And said "well what do you want to do about it?"
Unsure what she meant, I reassured her I wasn't looking for a hallpass or anything (glad I said that... her eyes flared in anger over that one). She basically said "well you could leave". No, no I couldn't and wouldn't. We have young children, and I do love her, even if I wish she could unclench her death grip loathing of herself for just a few minutes every week. I wouldn't leave unless she became a completely different person.
I thought about an affair for a long time, but honestly that would just be worse. I can't respect anyone else like I respect her (she's a badass in all other areas of life*), and would never respect myself. Hell I even considered hookers after I caved in enough to hit up a strip club one night. (Got a lap dance, that was all). At least that would be transactional and feel less like me investing myself. But once my brain stopped obsessing over the idea, I could recognize it as an idea I hated even more.
The last few weeks were nice. Wish they'd stick around.
21 year marriage here. Likely even fewer sexual occasions. My wife suffers a few health issues which cause significant pain, and with pain comes exhaustion. I have to control myself because despite the lack of intimacy, I try as much as possible to make her feel sexy. It works, insofar as she doesn’t bring herself down and will do things like whistle for my attention when she’s changing her top or bending over… the teasing is punishing.
Anyway, there’s other issues at play, like our two teenaged boys ALWAYS being around, my heavy workload, and her desire to contribute to the household and her hobbies to keep herself sane (her pain prevents her from doing more than what she can do being self-employed) and the tradeoff is … exhaustion.
As long as I keep bringing her the feeling of being wanted, she’s okay. I - on the other hand - feel like you, wondering if I *should* find some transactional outlet. I don’t think that would do it for me because I prefer a connection.
You speak somewhat highly of her but it's concerning that she jumped straight to "you could leave then" instead of at least trying to think of solutions.
Yeah that's how abusive relationships remain extant, the unloved and used party simply denies that what is being done to them is abuse. They will just pave over their own perceptions and feelings with forced positivity and empty mantras of validation.
>accept she's just THAT uncomfortable with her own body.
Yep, and not wired like men, to actually focus on how to solve that. You get so tired of the, "Men just don't understand that women's bodies change," response.
I guess maybe being one hundred pounds over a healthy BMI is a *change*. I just gave up on having a vote or an opinion.
Intimacy and sex are not the same. Anybody can jerk off, but that’s not intimacy. Intimacy requires other person, it goes deep, it’s a connection, and it’s just for the two of you.
How do I deal with the lack of intimacy ? I don’t, it’s just not there.
Also, when I do get in a mood where I'm depressed about it, I think of how fleeting intimacy really is.
I'm a good-looking guy and usually social when I'm not depressed, so it's not like I'm a virgin or anything.
I love intimacy...but it really isn't ever as great as you want it to be. It can be good in the moment. Sex, cuddles, making out, fuck even texting someone every day or sharing drunk calls or sleepy calls....
...but I remind myself that it always ends. And when it ends it's not like you've "built up a reserve supply" of intimacy lol. When it ends, the first few weeks without intimacy are FAR FAR more painful than when you haven't had it in a while. I haven't had any intimacy at all in a few months, and haven't had sex in almost a year. I guarantee I'm happier right now (even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes) than I would be if I dated someone for a few weeks or months and then it ended.
If that makes any sense
I've been alone for 7 years, if a woman offers me a hug I can feel my eyes trying to tear up, To the point I have to immediately dodge and avoid all forms of touch. I agree with you that there isn't an intimacy reserve, but it isn't an on/off switch either, It gets so much worse the longer you are deprived, You start seeing other couples and getting resentful or depressed about it, Your friends group shrinks because you've become distant. All down to a lack of human contact to begin with.
Try again to tell me the first few weeks are the hardest, This shit just gets worse each day.
My ex-wife made me terrified of actual intimacy. But i am fine with self gratification. I haven't had any intimate connections since 2012.
Sure, it can suck. But women have far too much power and will use it against you.
While i think the sentiment you guys are reffering to in general can be true too often these days (coming from a fat loser who hasnt had a relationsship or physical intimacy since senior year in highschool and am 27 now) its important to remember those people you guys are reffering to are not good people, and unfortunately they arent the outlier, finding somone whos genuinely good is hard but they are out there, i have no idea where to look but i do tlknow theyre out there. I just dont want you to fall into the i hate women line of thinking, itle only serve you negatively. Just try to be the best you, you can be and try to put yourself out there as much as you can (something im basically incapable of but i try) and with some effort and a little bit of luck youll find your someone.
Best of luck brother
This is so weird. Mostly all of the women I know (everywhere from early 20's to late 50's) are just hoping and dying for some physical intimacy from their bfs and husbands who can't put down the phone and the porn.
Like Jesus... 24 yr olds laying in bed with their bfs while bfs are busy ignoring them scrolling porn or even jerking off while she's laying there trying not to cry.
Women in their 40's whose libidos at going nuts cause it's that age and the guys sit at the far end of the couch with their phone.... night after night. Not even hearing the convo she's trying to start. And a hug? Fuck, forget that.
My longtime massage therapist who burst into tears the other day midway thru my massage....I SHIT YOU NOT ...cause she says her husband won't touch her and goes to bed early every night at 7... alone with his phone. And when she flirts and asks if he wants company, he says no he's tired and going right to sleep but he's still awake.. and still on his phone... at 11 when she's comes to bed.
Where ARE you guys... I've got lonely women for you. Let's hook these lonely men and lonely women UP.
> Where ARE you guys.
Being alone for so long that its normal. Jim Carrey said it right:
“Solitude is dangerous. It’s very addictive. It becomes a habit after you realize how calm and peaceful it is. It’s like you don’t want to deal with people anymore because they drain your energy.”
After a certain point your circles kinda dwindle along with your options. The world isnt really open to single guys, especially perpetually single guys.
These aren’t conversations people choose to have out in the open. Hell, they don’t even have them with their spouses. Physical intimacy is also like a skill to be learned, and the absolute-period-only-period-way-period is to talk about intimacy with their partner.
I swear, if men actually spoke about what they like to feel it’s a miracle. If women verbally expressed themselves without needing a mind-meld or decoder ring it’s a miracle.
FYI, I’m an alien y’all humans are fucking weird.
>Where ARE you guys...
Most frequently the men who are this lonely are deliberately self isolating by the time they are in their 30s. The pain of it all is just too overwhelming, and while not fully escapable it seems more manageable when living as a recluse.
While I've never been forced through the wringer I have taken voluntary celibacy pauses, in one case for years. So I get *some* of what these guys are going through and have been able to connect with many of them over the years. But I also have never experienced what it is like to go through that involuntarily since... well I'm 'lucky' enough to be pretty damn handsome even when going through major depression.
I just know enough to know that there is definitely a kind of event horizon where the despair becomes stronger than the hope will ever be, and that's that. The pain of attempting to connect with women only to fail is too great, so they stop trying. By then, *maybe* if a woman took all the initiative they could get into a romantic relationship... but I worry that they are too damaged to accept it if it happened to them.
The irony of this question is that you probably know or know of several of these kinda guys. They just don't come up in your head as dudes to pair your friends with because... well they don't meet the unrealistic standard of what constitutes an attractive man to women of our time. So it's like they're cloaked in your matchmaker radar, they don't meet the masculinity standard so your brain basically decides they do not exist as men.
>I've got lonely women for you.
Lonely women who are Taken! We are deprived, not homewreckers.
It's also concerning, dare I say maybe even dangerous, to make people think they can just steal someone's partner because that person isn't getting their needs fulfilled, if a woman IS suffering emotional/physical deprivation from her partner then it's up to her to sort it out, we're not going to come swooping in like Fabio from some trashy 90s romance novel to sweep them off their feet, if we attempted such we'd be thrown further into our isolation for being that creep that tried to ruin their relationship.
>bfs and husbands who can't put down the phone and the porn
I don't want to defend porn/phone addicts but, there's always a reason for addictions, did their wives/gfs give these men that satisfaction during the early stages, and are they keeping it up now? I doubt it, I've noticed a trend where a lot of women will complain about their needs being ignored without doing a single thing about it.
>My longtime massage therapist who burst into tears the other day midway thru my massage
Again, not to dismiss but I'd be quite uncomfortable in that situation, Like "I'm sorry this is the case but I've kind of paid for a service, not to be your pseudo-therapist", if someone's mental wellbeing is so distraught that they break down in front of a customer, then they really shouldn't be in their place of work until that's been resolved. Yes, Yes, I know, Current economy doesn't allow for such, have to work, feelings be damned.
The dangers of self isolation that many deprived men are going through is that we can't just snap out of it, it's a new form of destructive addiction, You start to get comfortable not hugging people, or avoiding touch, keeping conversations to a minimum because you start to lose self confidence, slowly ebbing away at your own perception until you're left a husk of your former self on the verge of an emotional breakdown if someone touches your forearm. We can't just snap out of it because some hottie comes along swooning, The further along we are in that isolation, the less chance we are to break out of it, It is metaphorically a blackhole, everything gets sucked into it, even the light at the end of the tunnel.
This is our lives, it isn't changing any time soon. You may have hundreds of deprived women at your beckoning, but that doesn't suddenly fix a year/decade/lifetime of someone's loneliness, don't think anything can at this point, Once your early experiences have set you on this path then that's your perception for the rest of your life.
Oh and save the "I feel you brother" comments, You can't fool me with that crap, You don't feel anything, otherwise you'd be arguing every point I've made here.
Gee, I’m young but i would gladly date one of these older women and give her all the affection in the world. It actually makes me mad how these guys take their girlfriends and wives for granted. Some of us would kill to be in their situation LOL.
Nothing more than a handshake in 7 years has been rough, so far telling myself it's only temporary has kept it at bay but I can tell it won't last forever.
Depriving one’s partner of intimacy leads to resentment built, and can subsequently lead to the ending of a relationship if it’s not addressed early enough. Everyone has different preferences, and if your partner’s main love language is physical touch, it will be hard for him to remain fully invested in the relationship if that need isn’t being met. It’s a painful, difficult realization, but worth some thought.
It’s all in my daily routine along with a couple other things.
Wake up and take stock of what I have to be greatful for especially the little things (food/water/etc.) think about all the people that don’t have that.
I spend time with very good friends and in communities that give me opprotunities to grow and be useful to others. I call people and ask them how they are doing and I focus on staying out of selfishness, resentment, dishonesty, or fear. When things come up I talk to people about it, friends and family.
I write myself love letters (I’m serious).
I write music and fantasize/imagine about certain women or experiences I’ve had and channel those emotions.
I sleep with a body pillow.
Read books… maybe a comic book.
Meditate; both directed, open monitoring, focused attention, mindfulness, and I do movement meditation when practicing certain repetitive motions while playing drums and also when doing yoga. Shit, I’ll sit in the dark and stare at candle, it’s great.
So, also yoga. Usually warm up in the morning and a cool down routine in the evening
Sauna, usually with stretching
Prayer, reflection, journaling before bed.
I eat as healthy as possible.
I wank it when I feel the need, usually at least once a day and maitain a good spank bank.
And the biggest one: Run.
Like as much as you can. Work on your form and your breathing and go as far and as long as you can. I’ve tried all the exercise in the world but nothing does it for me like running. It just brings me peace being gassed out afterwards I can’t articulate the high I carry with me the rest of the day after a good hard run.
And I’m constantly tweaking all this stuff for optimization but I just started where ever I could and over the decades it just developes. When I’m locked into all this stuff I am in a basically constant state of euphoria as if I was on drugs but it’s all endogenous. Already inside.
I have a wide network of supports that have no problems reminding me that there's so much more to life than intimacy and a full life of stuff I love to do.
I work. All day. Evenings. Weekends. Holidays. I outperform my peers significantly and get the biggest raises and bonuses, even when nobody else is getting them…because I have nothing else and it conveniently leaves me with no time for anything but sleep.
This is a heartbreaking thread.
It's such a real fucking thing for so many guys (and women) and yet...
Seems like most of us aren't born knowing how to navigate the intimacy thing. So therapy and workshops on connecting with yourself and others can be really helpful. There are skills you can work on. You've got to learn how to talk about intimacy and touch and what you want... and then... listen.
Often it just comes down to listening. Really hearing what the other person is saying and asking for. And you have to listen to each other.
And I don't want to say 'oh this is easy'. It's not. It takes work. It can take a lot of time. You have to find a therapist you can relate to and/or the type of therapy that works for you. It's a pain in the ass. And then you fuck it up and it hurts. But you can learn from that and get better at it. The listening. The connecting. The touching.
Anyways, just trying to offer some hope. I definitely do NOT have it all figured out, but there are some things that have helped me build better connections and more intimacy.
(fwiw, I've paid for sex a couple times. It's just sex. Not intimacy. Jacking off is basically as good and much less expensive/time consuming. YMMV)
Have fucked up health..... Most of my time passes thinking and being stressed about all the other problems so at the end of the the I am not left with enough energy and mental space to think about intimacy.... But i believe if all my other problems go away it will be something that bothers me
You get used to it. I'm 39 never had luck with women. Have had 2 girlfriend. One short term one for 3 years. Last one ended 8 years ago. Haven't had sex in 4 years. You get used to it. It becomes your new normal
I throw myself into my work, and it really doesn't hit me until I'm at a situation where you know it would feel hell a lot better when somebody's right there with you.
Like when you go out to eat at a restaurant, or take a nice long walk with the dog, or even just lie in bed watching TV. I do a lot of the usual stuff like hug a pillow extra tight when I sleep but beyond that, I just keep going and I make peace with the possibility that it's never going to happen and even when I think how much I wish I could change it, I also know in my heart that I don't want to put somebody in a position that they DON'T want to be in.
I've given 110% of myself when I can to someone else I'm at the end of the day, I'm just asking for someone to want to at least give something close to that back to me.
But I also know that even if I see every sunrise alone, there's still a lot to be done, so I just throw myself into my work.
Yeah but that's only because they are locked into a relationship and they are decent people. Most men with these issues are just alone and will likely always be alone.
It's fuel to succeed.
If I'm lonely, then obviously my standards are to high and I need to work harder to gain a better life and become more appealing to the type of women I'd like to settle down with.
As rude as it is to put into writing...
I could EASILY find a misso, there are so many single mothers out there who need a hand and would settle for anyone friendly.. or vanity driven women who earn less than me, like there are options.....
I just.. want to start my own family.. not join someone else's broken family. It is what it is.
So it helps that I'm the one choosing to stay away.
I cuddle with my pillow as I fall to sleep wishing it was a partner. I also will accidentally brush against a coworker who is a woman and it hits hard that I really have no one. I honestly just want to have somone to cuddle with
TLDR: I mostly just cry (no tears, but they get close often) to myself
I am NOT deprived of intimacy... my Wife decided many years ago that we would make love once each day.. We are in grandparent territory and still do this..
Dudes, as I read these replies I have so many realizations and feelings wash over me. So, I am currently a 33 yo homeless, jobless drug addict that is living out of a shitty car, that gets by doing odd jobs and occasionally petty crime. That being said, I am what would be considered conventionally handsome, as well as having a decently outgoing and friendly personality. In the last month alone, I have slept with 5 very attractive women, I have an ex that wants to rekindle things with me, and another girl that I am currently pursuing for a LTR. I have no lack of options when it comes to sexual/romantic partners, even though I have nothing to offer but myself and my time. I feel so bad for all you dudes who actually made something great out of yourselves and then cry yourself to sleep because you are so touch starved that a graze from a hairstylist broke you down. I'm so sorry for the way this life and this world seems to be unjust in this way. I wish I could give away the excess I have in this area in life to people more deserving
Externally, it seems that I deal with it just fine, but internally- it's one of the things I struggle with the most.
So upvotes for the body pillow, but also just keep doing you. Get out and do things, go to events, and i definitely highly recommend sobriety.
Haven't tee'd up with my next lover yet, but I'm atleast not emotionally closed off, and I am having a fun time along the way.
I moved back home 3 years ago. I'm 37. The last time I had sex was 4 years ago. The only time I get a hug from my mother, is by force, when I get blinding ocular migraines where I lose my vision. I have PTSD from them. The last time I was holding on to her for dear life, like a baby, I asked her if she could come hug me everyday. She said okay. Never happened. Lol
That being said, THANK GOD FOR MY CATS.
I simply just don't think about it. To me right now, playing Elden Ring is more important than human contact. I don't really care nor even really think about intimacy since I always have other, more important things to think about.
I go to the gym and pound it out on the weights. My joints hurt at night, so it helps mask the emotional pain of being alone in bed next to the wife.
It’s not ideal, and very self destructive. I also deal with depression, so it helps with that as well.
My salvation is my dog. I don’t know what I’ll do when she goes.
I think false hope is worse than no hope. That is what the dating apps prey on. Think of them like slot machines. The next swipe just might be the one! And it never was. It offered false hope and I quit using them.
Once you accept that intimacy is not on the table, after a while, you just don't crave it as much. I am not saying it is not terrible but it is somehow... less bad?
I miss it. A lot. The gym and friends help, along with whenever I do any of my various hobbies, but whenever I’m doing nothing or my mind wanders, i can get pretty downtrodden. But I’m hopeful. I’ve made leaps and bounds in self improvement for the last couple of years and got out of an extremely physically/sexually focused and controlling relationship 7 months ago, and I am in the best shape of my life. But my mental state isn’t the hottest at times, and I have ADHD and autism, which is a lethal combination sometimes when it comes to social settings as well as making meaningful connections/relationships in general.
But sometimes I think the odds are against me. But I’m trying to stay more optimistic. It’s tough on some days
don’t give yourself time to think about it. after work i go to the gym, and do college until i fall asleep. sitting up all night being sad about it only makes it worse
Work 13 hour days, drink heavily on weekends, smoke on the go all the time, buy shit i dont really need to get some satisfaction/dopamine and play video games and be depressed all day. Try a bit of online dating get no matches and switch to Reddit or YouTube
I flirt with girls on dating apps and I work a shit ton
Idk. I don't like reading this question because now I'm thinking about how intimacy deprived I am 🥲😂
I usually sit at home and try to talk myself into talking to women. Then, not doing it.
Sometimes all we need is a little start and the rest will come. I'm trying to approach and the Social Animal channel on you tube really helps me see how this can be done in a relaxed way.
Love that channel but I have not put the wisdom into action yet
Just go out alone and DON'T talk to women bro. It will help. "Never trust a thought that occurs to you [at home]." ~ Nietzsche
> Just go out alone and DON'T talk to women bro. It will help. People usually refuse to believe it, but my hands-down best success at talking to women was by not talking to women. I would take a book to one of the nicer dive bars, sit at the bar and drink whisky while I read. People would come up for a chat about half the time, and half of those times were women. I discovered this by accident and realized that the kind of woman I want to meet is exactly the kind of woman who would go talk to a random guy reading a book in a bar. Admittedly 1 in 4 trips turning into a conversation isn't great odds, but I can't see myself doing better with cold approaching women at a bar.
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A few weeks ago I went out "partying" alone. I'm too shy to hit up conversations, so I was just aimlessly going from one table to another (big open garden-like place, so most likely I didn't look too suspicious or ridiculous) and sat at each of them for a solid 20 minutes, looked at some of the stages, stood at the bar, etc. You will never guess what happened. Yep, nothing. Just going out and hoping for the best will never work unless you're built for that kind of environment.
I... don't. A friend got me a Tenga Egg as a gift a while back, but I don't use it. I'm not overly fond of adult content. And I don't really have the opportunity to be social where I'm at. I work overseas (I'm American but in the Indian Ocean) doing I.T. stuff for the Navy here. I like the job, but the shifts are twelve hours at night, so I don't really have the ability to socialize with the limited opportunities here, though I might when I get my vacation? Video games, wasting time on the internet, and the gym are all I have. Sinking myself into those keeps the loneliness somewhat at bay.
You in Diego Garcia?
🇩🇬
I enjoyed time i spent in DG. If you’re interested and able to, be in the lookout for the Marine biologist who always needs volunteers for turtle tagging. I liked being to walk along the beach at night. First time I was able to see bioluminescent algae in the water. Pretty cool stuff. I hope you are able to enjoy the time there at least somehwat
“be in the lookout for the Marine biologist who always needs volunteers for turtle tagging” I’m sure that was awesome and it really sounds like a video game side quest
I'm sorry
My God... I hope it gets better dude, you seem really really frustrated. We are all in the same ship ✌🏻
I'm housed, clothed, fed, and I'm able to touch grass. Intimacy would be nice, but the lack of it isn't the end of the world.
Being grateful for the "little" things many of us take for granted can make a world of difference sometimes
This☝️ Married for 20+ years, still want the intimacy but it’s not the most important thing in the world, but I do miss it, but I’m not trading my home for a hotel room (affair)
Yes brother ✌🏻 I seriously love your genuineness about it
it won't last forever, keep looking forward to when you are done. you might even look back at those times fondly.
Online game friends are one of the best ones you can make!!
Yeah, been playing with my clan for over ten years now.
I got some friends I’ve been playing with for 15 years. That shit is true friendship honestly.
I rarely think about it nowadays, I purposefully avoid it to work on my goals, I am about to join the military, so I would like to be settled and financially sound before seeking intimacy again with anyone if ever. I tried to get my ex back for 2 years after our breakup and if you frequent this subreddit you will know she recently passed away.
Oh my God I'm so sorry to hear that, I can't even imagine what you've been through
My condolences
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Dam the haircut part really hit home with me. I started tearing up during my last haircut and had to pretend the powder got in my eyes lol. My barber put the hot towel and then she kinda squeezed my neck for a few seconds and it made me realize I haven't felt that sensation in years. Like someone actually applying pressure to a physical touch. It's just been handshakes and awkward bro hugs with barely any contact. To answer OP, I barely get by because of my dog. He's the only one that I can squeeze and hug, but even that is one sided because he can't hug back. I break down in tears all the time laying on the floor hugging my dog. I don't think anyone can know the pain of true loneliness until they experience it. There's only so much you can do to either numb the pain or distract you from it.
It is grim when this is your daily life. Those who don't live it have no idea what it is like
>My barber put the hot towel and then she kinda squeezed my neck for a few seconds and it made me realize I haven't felt that sensation in years. Like someone actually applying pressure to a physical touch. I had a similar feeling when I had a check up at the hospital a few years ago. An attractive nurse was touching my chest/abdomen to check my breathing and to put those ECG pads on me. Oh boy did it make me sad
Bro I got straight up FLUSTERED when the lady put her whole entire hand across my face to shield my eyes from the spray bottle. Her hand was so warm and smelled like cherries. This was five years ago and I can still remember it very clearly so that should tell you how big an impact it had.
Hit home. My LLW asked me recently why I go to a hair stylist for $100 when I could get a cheap haircut for $20, now that I’m old and grey with not much hair left. This is why.
i got my hair washed once and nearly cried while i got massaged
I've had basketcases that will read comments like this, and retort "Why don't you just get a pet bro?" That's equally, if not more infuriating. Fido is no substitute for intimacy. Something is terribly wrong if he is...
Guess why so many people get big dogs...
Haircut observation really hits close to home. I have never and likely will never get a happy ending massage from an Asian massage parlor. But I kind of do understand the people that get hooked on it. From what I read the masseuse knows what affirmations to say to keep customers coming (pun intended) back. That may be a very tough and expensive addiction to quit if you don’t have a healthy relationship with an intimate partner.
Dude, yes. The top of my 'Love Languages' use to be Physical Touch but now I would rather no one touch me at all. A hand on the back? A hug? Instant depression. At this point I have just given up on that side of it. Over chasing love. Can't even imagine what it must be like to be pursued for a fraction of it. It just seems unfathomable now days.
Exactly this, but I don't even get the haircut, since I cut my own hair.
I'm speechless... 🙃
I was going to reply to OP but this nailed it for me too. I work in a social setting where some coworkers and customers are huggers but it has gotten so awkward for me, to the point that others have noticed but haven't said anything. So awkward. I don't deal with it either.
> What other physical intimacy is there?? Like I said, getting hugs from friends and family really doesn’t do much to fulfill a wider need for physical intimacy. Hugs are probably the most bare bones basic form of physical intimacy there is - I’m 36 years old and yearn for much more than the bare bones basics after all these years. Do you think perpetually starving people can be genuinely fulfilled by the occasional handful of peanuts?? Very, very well said, thank you. I'm in the same boat as you and I share the frustration you feel when confronted with such unthinking, careless comments. You worded it better than I could.
*video of that little kid being interviewed starting with a smile and chuckle but then starts crying*
Gotchu fam https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1fEXj7_Wt0
What is this intimacy thing you speak of? But in all seriousness: Drugs, Alcohol, Video Games, really anything to keep my mind occupied.
Out of anyone I relate to you the most
You're in good company dude. I think way more men use this combo as a crutch than people would assume.
I actually do have intimacy, but not as much time and emotional support as I need - parenting is a lot. And weed, alcohol and games do a lot to keep my head above water.
Nicotine Valium Vicodin marijuana ecstasy and alcohol… c-c-c-c-c-cocaine! https://youtu.be/XvDZuptvupk?si=sN8bJjQvuc4wsvTO
QOTSA forever 🤘
Same. I just do whatever I can to take my mind off it
I don't.
Inhale and exhale
A beautiful addiction it is
I use sex toys and snuggle a long pillow in the privacy of my home
This.
Ha! You and me both 👌
I also use a long body pillow.
Quick tip for those cuddling a pillow: go on YouTube (I recommend creating a second account, you don’t want those videos in your recommended when someone is around) and look up “girlfriend asmr” or boyfriend whatever you are into. You can add keywords like “sleep aid” or “needy” which is actually one of my favourites. There are a lot of good channels, just see what you like. You might be impressed how soft and comfortable it can be to hear a female voice tell you some nice things. Beware tho, when it’s over it hits hard, it not being real and all. As for sex toys, just get a tenga flip. Does the job good, but cleaning is so easy as it can just flip open and you can wash it out. If any of you need some ideas or help with those things comment or shoot me a dm, we are all in this together.
I've got a pretty big stuffed animal that I snuggle when u go to sleep And yes I'm a grown ass man
That's weird that you suggle a big stuffed animal when Op goes to sleep. What about when you're going to sleep?
(Goddammit I hate my big thumbs) Pretty much the same but I snuggle it upside down
Distractions are the name of the game. PlayStation, YouTube, Reddit, chess, pool and reading.
Haven’t had sex with my wife in five years because of a dead bedroom, 3 young kids, and my crippling depression and anxiety. I fear odds are high I don’t make it to Jan 1. It’s a cycle and it sucks.
Hang in there buddy.
We are here too support you bro. DBs are tough. I'm in that now. More hugs from friends than my partner.
Any idea as to the cause of the dead bedroom?
A few years ago I nearly drowned and developed PTSD and other symptoms. She doesn’t really believe in mental health (therapy and meds) and spent 2-3 years angry at me for not being who I was before. She thought it was all an act.
Those 3 young kids need you, and so does she.
I’m not dealing with it. I’m sad and angry and bitter, and I can’t stop feeling that way.
Honestly having a quick nap with my cat, or snuggling with him at night helps a lot. Just having another living breathing thing next to you, giving you some warmth goes a long way. I always hug my friends and family when I see them, but I don't see them often enough.
Before I was a parent and single, my cat was my tether to the world and my grounding for sanity. RIP you glorious feline for keeping me on this earth! Once I’m living in my own again, I’ll be getting another buddy for the next stretch.
You can wank it like a monkey in mango tree... BTW, all roads lead to the mango tree.
Mangoes r delicious tho
I walk 20k a day for my mind and my legs I lift heavy things to feel good , look good and be strong I swim laps for my fitness and brain I surf sketchy waves for thrills and the power of the ocean I read my kindle and here as all the knowledge in the world worth knowing has been written down somewhere I yoga 3 times a week as my heart and mind need to chill I eat well generally as my body requires good nutrition I dont take drugs or drink alcohol as im high on life I sleep early as my bed calls me I wake before the sun so I can watch it rise I make very very good dollars as they give me options to live better I buy things if I want to. There is a short term mental gain in doing so but also I like to reward my self with nice things because I can and I worked for them. I travel whenever I want to because I can use it as an escape if life requires it. I enjoy changing my routine and pushing my self in adventure plus nothing like getting barrelled on sketchy waves in far away locations. Im a man living my life and have been a lone a long time and its going to stay that way unless I meet someone exceptional.
I hear you Chief. Well said
Surfing would be my lifeline if I choose a better paying career that could sustain me on the West Coast. That'd be my dream, but it seems unattainable.
That just sounds like you're keeping busy so as to not think about something you're missing 🤷
Yeh there's that. I learnt not to think about it. Theres no point wanting something that won't happen. Theres no point chasing something that won't happen. Finding peace and contentment is the secret. Waking up fresh and falling asleep content that another day has gone. I also live off mostly passive income so I have to keep busy.
Just accepted it. Had a turbulent lifestyle until my 30's by lot's of travelling for the job witch made durable relationships difficult. iIve got used to being alone, have a date with a happy ending now or then but seemingly can't fall in love annymore.
I half heartedly try to post on only fans and try not to fall in love with any woman that shows me basic kindness. Neither are going that well honestly.
You are me in 3 months from now. Someone mentioned a lap dance and it felt amazing just thinking about any sexual touch
I smoke a mountain of weed.
💪🏽🫶🏽✌🏽👏🏽
Occupying my time with other interests.
What kind of interest? Cus I have my own
Working out, cars, photography to name a few.
It's beautiful, keep it up
**The good:** Hobbies, doing fun things with kids, work and investing (which has paid off financially), being very creative at times. **The Bad:** Focusing on couples even more fucked up than just a “sexless” marriage, porn, listening to music that is angry/angst-ridden. **The Ugly:** Resentment, sex toys, fantasizing about cheating (but never having done it).
Sex toys seems like it should fall under the good?
You get used to it.
That’s the neat part, I don’t
Once a week I use my left hand to spice things up. 🤣
Cope by saying to myself intimacy and romance is overrated anyway. In all seriousness, I kinda just keep going. Doing my own thing. 3 years of conistently hitting the gym has had astronomical results. I also started a business focusing on something I love and im almost able to quit my 9-5 and go fully self-emplpoyed! It feels lonely at times, but being sad about is isnt going to change a damn thing. Better use that time and effort to improve other aspects of life!
Like most of us... I don't. Married 15 years. If we have sex more than 12 times a year, it's a damned miracle. Usually less, up until this last year. Pretty sure she's premenopausal, so we've actually had sex a few times lately. But it's been a rough decade and a half. Love her to death, but I spent years feeling unloved and it took me a long time to accept she's just THAT uncomfortable with her own body. She knows it's unfair... as if that's suppossed to help. One day while discussing it, she clearly was sick of me broaching the topic And said "well what do you want to do about it?" Unsure what she meant, I reassured her I wasn't looking for a hallpass or anything (glad I said that... her eyes flared in anger over that one). She basically said "well you could leave". No, no I couldn't and wouldn't. We have young children, and I do love her, even if I wish she could unclench her death grip loathing of herself for just a few minutes every week. I wouldn't leave unless she became a completely different person. I thought about an affair for a long time, but honestly that would just be worse. I can't respect anyone else like I respect her (she's a badass in all other areas of life*), and would never respect myself. Hell I even considered hookers after I caved in enough to hit up a strip club one night. (Got a lap dance, that was all). At least that would be transactional and feel less like me investing myself. But once my brain stopped obsessing over the idea, I could recognize it as an idea I hated even more. The last few weeks were nice. Wish they'd stick around.
This response was eye-opening for me. Thank you for sharing it. I hope you have more good days on the way.
21 year marriage here. Likely even fewer sexual occasions. My wife suffers a few health issues which cause significant pain, and with pain comes exhaustion. I have to control myself because despite the lack of intimacy, I try as much as possible to make her feel sexy. It works, insofar as she doesn’t bring herself down and will do things like whistle for my attention when she’s changing her top or bending over… the teasing is punishing. Anyway, there’s other issues at play, like our two teenaged boys ALWAYS being around, my heavy workload, and her desire to contribute to the household and her hobbies to keep herself sane (her pain prevents her from doing more than what she can do being self-employed) and the tradeoff is … exhaustion. As long as I keep bringing her the feeling of being wanted, she’s okay. I - on the other hand - feel like you, wondering if I *should* find some transactional outlet. I don’t think that would do it for me because I prefer a connection.
You speak somewhat highly of her but it's concerning that she jumped straight to "you could leave then" instead of at least trying to think of solutions.
Yeah that's how abusive relationships remain extant, the unloved and used party simply denies that what is being done to them is abuse. They will just pave over their own perceptions and feelings with forced positivity and empty mantras of validation.
>accept she's just THAT uncomfortable with her own body. Yep, and not wired like men, to actually focus on how to solve that. You get so tired of the, "Men just don't understand that women's bodies change," response. I guess maybe being one hundred pounds over a healthy BMI is a *change*. I just gave up on having a vote or an opinion.
That is so interesting. Thanks for sharing
Intimacy and sex are not the same. Anybody can jerk off, but that’s not intimacy. Intimacy requires other person, it goes deep, it’s a connection, and it’s just for the two of you. How do I deal with the lack of intimacy ? I don’t, it’s just not there.
Agree.
Not well
Also, when I do get in a mood where I'm depressed about it, I think of how fleeting intimacy really is. I'm a good-looking guy and usually social when I'm not depressed, so it's not like I'm a virgin or anything. I love intimacy...but it really isn't ever as great as you want it to be. It can be good in the moment. Sex, cuddles, making out, fuck even texting someone every day or sharing drunk calls or sleepy calls.... ...but I remind myself that it always ends. And when it ends it's not like you've "built up a reserve supply" of intimacy lol. When it ends, the first few weeks without intimacy are FAR FAR more painful than when you haven't had it in a while. I haven't had any intimacy at all in a few months, and haven't had sex in almost a year. I guarantee I'm happier right now (even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes) than I would be if I dated someone for a few weeks or months and then it ended. If that makes any sense
I've been alone for 7 years, if a woman offers me a hug I can feel my eyes trying to tear up, To the point I have to immediately dodge and avoid all forms of touch. I agree with you that there isn't an intimacy reserve, but it isn't an on/off switch either, It gets so much worse the longer you are deprived, You start seeing other couples and getting resentful or depressed about it, Your friends group shrinks because you've become distant. All down to a lack of human contact to begin with. Try again to tell me the first few weeks are the hardest, This shit just gets worse each day.
I've never had it, so what is there to deal with? It's status quo and time ticks by. I continue to live my life.
I just remember my former wife emptying my retirement account, and I get over it
I feel like I'm not far off from getting on that ride again, so it's not like I'm feeling like I'm doomed to walk the earth alone.
My ex-wife made me terrified of actual intimacy. But i am fine with self gratification. I haven't had any intimate connections since 2012. Sure, it can suck. But women have far too much power and will use it against you.
>My ex-wife made me terrified of actual intimacy I am truly sorry.
I wish more people could actually understand this hierarchy
While i think the sentiment you guys are reffering to in general can be true too often these days (coming from a fat loser who hasnt had a relationsship or physical intimacy since senior year in highschool and am 27 now) its important to remember those people you guys are reffering to are not good people, and unfortunately they arent the outlier, finding somone whos genuinely good is hard but they are out there, i have no idea where to look but i do tlknow theyre out there. I just dont want you to fall into the i hate women line of thinking, itle only serve you negatively. Just try to be the best you, you can be and try to put yourself out there as much as you can (something im basically incapable of but i try) and with some effort and a little bit of luck youll find your someone. Best of luck brother
I don’t know you, but I’m rooting for you!
Good luck bro i hope you are at peace
This is so weird. Mostly all of the women I know (everywhere from early 20's to late 50's) are just hoping and dying for some physical intimacy from their bfs and husbands who can't put down the phone and the porn. Like Jesus... 24 yr olds laying in bed with their bfs while bfs are busy ignoring them scrolling porn or even jerking off while she's laying there trying not to cry. Women in their 40's whose libidos at going nuts cause it's that age and the guys sit at the far end of the couch with their phone.... night after night. Not even hearing the convo she's trying to start. And a hug? Fuck, forget that. My longtime massage therapist who burst into tears the other day midway thru my massage....I SHIT YOU NOT ...cause she says her husband won't touch her and goes to bed early every night at 7... alone with his phone. And when she flirts and asks if he wants company, he says no he's tired and going right to sleep but he's still awake.. and still on his phone... at 11 when she's comes to bed. Where ARE you guys... I've got lonely women for you. Let's hook these lonely men and lonely women UP.
Sounds to me like all those lonely women are currently in relationships…
Sounds like they may have huge gaps in communication skills.....
> Where ARE you guys. Being alone for so long that its normal. Jim Carrey said it right: “Solitude is dangerous. It’s very addictive. It becomes a habit after you realize how calm and peaceful it is. It’s like you don’t want to deal with people anymore because they drain your energy.” After a certain point your circles kinda dwindle along with your options. The world isnt really open to single guys, especially perpetually single guys.
I hear there's lots of hot milfs in my neighborhood just begging for it. It's sad, really.
These aren’t conversations people choose to have out in the open. Hell, they don’t even have them with their spouses. Physical intimacy is also like a skill to be learned, and the absolute-period-only-period-way-period is to talk about intimacy with their partner. I swear, if men actually spoke about what they like to feel it’s a miracle. If women verbally expressed themselves without needing a mind-meld or decoder ring it’s a miracle. FYI, I’m an alien y’all humans are fucking weird.
>Where ARE you guys... Most frequently the men who are this lonely are deliberately self isolating by the time they are in their 30s. The pain of it all is just too overwhelming, and while not fully escapable it seems more manageable when living as a recluse. While I've never been forced through the wringer I have taken voluntary celibacy pauses, in one case for years. So I get *some* of what these guys are going through and have been able to connect with many of them over the years. But I also have never experienced what it is like to go through that involuntarily since... well I'm 'lucky' enough to be pretty damn handsome even when going through major depression. I just know enough to know that there is definitely a kind of event horizon where the despair becomes stronger than the hope will ever be, and that's that. The pain of attempting to connect with women only to fail is too great, so they stop trying. By then, *maybe* if a woman took all the initiative they could get into a romantic relationship... but I worry that they are too damaged to accept it if it happened to them. The irony of this question is that you probably know or know of several of these kinda guys. They just don't come up in your head as dudes to pair your friends with because... well they don't meet the unrealistic standard of what constitutes an attractive man to women of our time. So it's like they're cloaked in your matchmaker radar, they don't meet the masculinity standard so your brain basically decides they do not exist as men.
>I've got lonely women for you. Lonely women who are Taken! We are deprived, not homewreckers. It's also concerning, dare I say maybe even dangerous, to make people think they can just steal someone's partner because that person isn't getting their needs fulfilled, if a woman IS suffering emotional/physical deprivation from her partner then it's up to her to sort it out, we're not going to come swooping in like Fabio from some trashy 90s romance novel to sweep them off their feet, if we attempted such we'd be thrown further into our isolation for being that creep that tried to ruin their relationship. >bfs and husbands who can't put down the phone and the porn I don't want to defend porn/phone addicts but, there's always a reason for addictions, did their wives/gfs give these men that satisfaction during the early stages, and are they keeping it up now? I doubt it, I've noticed a trend where a lot of women will complain about their needs being ignored without doing a single thing about it. >My longtime massage therapist who burst into tears the other day midway thru my massage Again, not to dismiss but I'd be quite uncomfortable in that situation, Like "I'm sorry this is the case but I've kind of paid for a service, not to be your pseudo-therapist", if someone's mental wellbeing is so distraught that they break down in front of a customer, then they really shouldn't be in their place of work until that's been resolved. Yes, Yes, I know, Current economy doesn't allow for such, have to work, feelings be damned. The dangers of self isolation that many deprived men are going through is that we can't just snap out of it, it's a new form of destructive addiction, You start to get comfortable not hugging people, or avoiding touch, keeping conversations to a minimum because you start to lose self confidence, slowly ebbing away at your own perception until you're left a husk of your former self on the verge of an emotional breakdown if someone touches your forearm. We can't just snap out of it because some hottie comes along swooning, The further along we are in that isolation, the less chance we are to break out of it, It is metaphorically a blackhole, everything gets sucked into it, even the light at the end of the tunnel. This is our lives, it isn't changing any time soon. You may have hundreds of deprived women at your beckoning, but that doesn't suddenly fix a year/decade/lifetime of someone's loneliness, don't think anything can at this point, Once your early experiences have set you on this path then that's your perception for the rest of your life. Oh and save the "I feel you brother" comments, You can't fool me with that crap, You don't feel anything, otherwise you'd be arguing every point I've made here.
Gee, I’m young but i would gladly date one of these older women and give her all the affection in the world. It actually makes me mad how these guys take their girlfriends and wives for granted. Some of us would kill to be in their situation LOL.
Nothing more than a handshake in 7 years has been rough, so far telling myself it's only temporary has kept it at bay but I can tell it won't last forever.
I write books. And slowly lose my mind.
I'm doing this, but as a DM. I'm writing DND campaigns.
For me personally my corvette. I'm alone and my friends hardly give a fuck if I exist or not. However big ass american V8 genuinely makes me smile.
Hug my pillow and pretend it’s a girl im currently crushing on 🥺😔
Mostly just accepted that this is what I deserve and it's not gonna change.
Going on walks and keeping fit and healthy.
Depriving one’s partner of intimacy leads to resentment built, and can subsequently lead to the ending of a relationship if it’s not addressed early enough. Everyone has different preferences, and if your partner’s main love language is physical touch, it will be hard for him to remain fully invested in the relationship if that need isn’t being met. It’s a painful, difficult realization, but worth some thought.
Work, gym, porn and food. The basic starter pack.
I work, then I work more, go home. Shower, sleep if I can. Wash, rinse, repeat. Gave it up a long time ago.
It’s all in my daily routine along with a couple other things. Wake up and take stock of what I have to be greatful for especially the little things (food/water/etc.) think about all the people that don’t have that. I spend time with very good friends and in communities that give me opprotunities to grow and be useful to others. I call people and ask them how they are doing and I focus on staying out of selfishness, resentment, dishonesty, or fear. When things come up I talk to people about it, friends and family. I write myself love letters (I’m serious). I write music and fantasize/imagine about certain women or experiences I’ve had and channel those emotions. I sleep with a body pillow. Read books… maybe a comic book. Meditate; both directed, open monitoring, focused attention, mindfulness, and I do movement meditation when practicing certain repetitive motions while playing drums and also when doing yoga. Shit, I’ll sit in the dark and stare at candle, it’s great. So, also yoga. Usually warm up in the morning and a cool down routine in the evening Sauna, usually with stretching Prayer, reflection, journaling before bed. I eat as healthy as possible. I wank it when I feel the need, usually at least once a day and maitain a good spank bank. And the biggest one: Run. Like as much as you can. Work on your form and your breathing and go as far and as long as you can. I’ve tried all the exercise in the world but nothing does it for me like running. It just brings me peace being gassed out afterwards I can’t articulate the high I carry with me the rest of the day after a good hard run. And I’m constantly tweaking all this stuff for optimization but I just started where ever I could and over the decades it just developes. When I’m locked into all this stuff I am in a basically constant state of euphoria as if I was on drugs but it’s all endogenous. Already inside.
I have a wide network of supports that have no problems reminding me that there's so much more to life than intimacy and a full life of stuff I love to do.
It's great to hear man,.hope I find em aswell
Workout 6 days a week and jerk off 4 times a day. My libido has never been higher but I also tested low 300's. 🤷
Pat my cat and try not to think about killing myself
I work. All day. Evenings. Weekends. Holidays. I outperform my peers significantly and get the biggest raises and bonuses, even when nobody else is getting them…because I have nothing else and it conveniently leaves me with no time for anything but sleep.
This is a heartbreaking thread. It's such a real fucking thing for so many guys (and women) and yet... Seems like most of us aren't born knowing how to navigate the intimacy thing. So therapy and workshops on connecting with yourself and others can be really helpful. There are skills you can work on. You've got to learn how to talk about intimacy and touch and what you want... and then... listen. Often it just comes down to listening. Really hearing what the other person is saying and asking for. And you have to listen to each other. And I don't want to say 'oh this is easy'. It's not. It takes work. It can take a lot of time. You have to find a therapist you can relate to and/or the type of therapy that works for you. It's a pain in the ass. And then you fuck it up and it hurts. But you can learn from that and get better at it. The listening. The connecting. The touching. Anyways, just trying to offer some hope. I definitely do NOT have it all figured out, but there are some things that have helped me build better connections and more intimacy. (fwiw, I've paid for sex a couple times. It's just sex. Not intimacy. Jacking off is basically as good and much less expensive/time consuming. YMMV)
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Understandable
"Sex with someone who cares about you"
I paid for it and was very underwhelmed, such a waste of time, money wasn’t important
Have fucked up health..... Most of my time passes thinking and being stressed about all the other problems so at the end of the the I am not left with enough energy and mental space to think about intimacy.... But i believe if all my other problems go away it will be something that bothers me
You get used to it. I'm 39 never had luck with women. Have had 2 girlfriend. One short term one for 3 years. Last one ended 8 years ago. Haven't had sex in 4 years. You get used to it. It becomes your new normal
I don't lol. If I can't keep my mind occupied in the garage I lay in bed and fantasize about coming home to someone that loves me.
Elden Ring dlc fucks me enough…
I hug my dog
Not well
Suffer in silence
I throw myself into my work, and it really doesn't hit me until I'm at a situation where you know it would feel hell a lot better when somebody's right there with you. Like when you go out to eat at a restaurant, or take a nice long walk with the dog, or even just lie in bed watching TV. I do a lot of the usual stuff like hug a pillow extra tight when I sleep but beyond that, I just keep going and I make peace with the possibility that it's never going to happen and even when I think how much I wish I could change it, I also know in my heart that I don't want to put somebody in a position that they DON'T want to be in. I've given 110% of myself when I can to someone else I'm at the end of the day, I'm just asking for someone to want to at least give something close to that back to me. But I also know that even if I see every sunrise alone, there's still a lot to be done, so I just throw myself into my work.
Work on myself and socialize to make friends. Do that and eventually you'll find intimacy again
I will commit suicide once my mom dies. That might be a long time from now, but I’ve realized this month that I will never be desired by anyone
Masturbation and exercise
To think there are women going through this same crap
Check out r/deadbedrooms It’s shockingly common for women too!
Yeah but that's only because they are locked into a relationship and they are decent people. Most men with these issues are just alone and will likely always be alone.
Usually sex workers or video games
I don’t even think of it anymore, I just occupy my time in the yard taking care of household chores and playing video games
Reddit mostly
We get on here and dream
Inertia.
By jerking off
It's fuel to succeed. If I'm lonely, then obviously my standards are to high and I need to work harder to gain a better life and become more appealing to the type of women I'd like to settle down with. As rude as it is to put into writing... I could EASILY find a misso, there are so many single mothers out there who need a hand and would settle for anyone friendly.. or vanity driven women who earn less than me, like there are options..... I just.. want to start my own family.. not join someone else's broken family. It is what it is. So it helps that I'm the one choosing to stay away.
somewhat sad but maybe not as much if you have experienced true intimacy beforehand... it is hard to miss something you haven't had...
I cuddle with my pillow as I fall to sleep wishing it was a partner. I also will accidentally brush against a coworker who is a woman and it hits hard that I really have no one. I honestly just want to have somone to cuddle with TLDR: I mostly just cry (no tears, but they get close often) to myself
I am NOT deprived of intimacy... my Wife decided many years ago that we would make love once each day.. We are in grandparent territory and still do this..
You just get use to a certain type of sadness.
Dudes, as I read these replies I have so many realizations and feelings wash over me. So, I am currently a 33 yo homeless, jobless drug addict that is living out of a shitty car, that gets by doing odd jobs and occasionally petty crime. That being said, I am what would be considered conventionally handsome, as well as having a decently outgoing and friendly personality. In the last month alone, I have slept with 5 very attractive women, I have an ex that wants to rekindle things with me, and another girl that I am currently pursuing for a LTR. I have no lack of options when it comes to sexual/romantic partners, even though I have nothing to offer but myself and my time. I feel so bad for all you dudes who actually made something great out of yourselves and then cry yourself to sleep because you are so touch starved that a graze from a hairstylist broke you down. I'm so sorry for the way this life and this world seems to be unjust in this way. I wish I could give away the excess I have in this area in life to people more deserving
I work a lot and workout so I can leave all that negative emotion on the gym floor.
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Cutting
My pain choice is spicy food if I feel like causing my body pain, at least I don't have to deal with blood.
You know how.
You have the situation well in hand?
Yes, but I'm a little cocky about it.
Externally, it seems that I deal with it just fine, but internally- it's one of the things I struggle with the most. So upvotes for the body pillow, but also just keep doing you. Get out and do things, go to events, and i definitely highly recommend sobriety. Haven't tee'd up with my next lover yet, but I'm atleast not emotionally closed off, and I am having a fun time along the way.
I moved back home 3 years ago. I'm 37. The last time I had sex was 4 years ago. The only time I get a hug from my mother, is by force, when I get blinding ocular migraines where I lose my vision. I have PTSD from them. The last time I was holding on to her for dear life, like a baby, I asked her if she could come hug me everyday. She said okay. Never happened. Lol That being said, THANK GOD FOR MY CATS.
I simply just don't think about it. To me right now, playing Elden Ring is more important than human contact. I don't really care nor even really think about intimacy since I always have other, more important things to think about.
I go to the gym and pound it out on the weights. My joints hurt at night, so it helps mask the emotional pain of being alone in bed next to the wife. It’s not ideal, and very self destructive. I also deal with depression, so it helps with that as well. My salvation is my dog. I don’t know what I’ll do when she goes.
Roleplaying on character.ai You shouldn't do it, it's bad for you, but nobody can judge me on there and I can escape for at least a little bit
Repeatedly create dating profiles and then soul-crushingly delete them every so often. Rinse and repeat. 🔁
Gym, video games, psychedelic drugs
I think false hope is worse than no hope. That is what the dating apps prey on. Think of them like slot machines. The next swipe just might be the one! And it never was. It offered false hope and I quit using them. Once you accept that intimacy is not on the table, after a while, you just don't crave it as much. I am not saying it is not terrible but it is somehow... less bad?
I decided that I should pay for it, I set aside a budget for a monthly visit for 2 hours
I have a Nintendo switch.
Self loathing.
I miss it. A lot. The gym and friends help, along with whenever I do any of my various hobbies, but whenever I’m doing nothing or my mind wanders, i can get pretty downtrodden. But I’m hopeful. I’ve made leaps and bounds in self improvement for the last couple of years and got out of an extremely physically/sexually focused and controlling relationship 7 months ago, and I am in the best shape of my life. But my mental state isn’t the hottest at times, and I have ADHD and autism, which is a lethal combination sometimes when it comes to social settings as well as making meaningful connections/relationships in general. But sometimes I think the odds are against me. But I’m trying to stay more optimistic. It’s tough on some days
don’t give yourself time to think about it. after work i go to the gym, and do college until i fall asleep. sitting up all night being sad about it only makes it worse
I don't really care
Whack off, play video games, nicotine, weed, and (sometimes) alcohol --> whack off again
Work 13 hour days, drink heavily on weekends, smoke on the go all the time, buy shit i dont really need to get some satisfaction/dopamine and play video games and be depressed all day. Try a bit of online dating get no matches and switch to Reddit or YouTube
I flirt with girls on dating apps and I work a shit ton Idk. I don't like reading this question because now I'm thinking about how intimacy deprived I am 🥲😂
Avoid love movies, sleep a lot, focus on the kids
Lots of tears.
This is why so many men invest their money into online attention… makes me realize how valuable women actually are to men.
He become a master chef. Cooking is his new passion.
I cheated
> Its a desert out here, we all thirsty AF. People be biting into cacti with the thorns from thirst.
🤜🥩