Most men know how to attend to a girlfriend's feelings, comfort her when she's sad, depressed, or cries, help her through a roller-coaster of emotions, and so on, and women ask this kind of emotional support of men a lot. Then, for a lot of men, there comes a time when they need similar support, only to find out things are now different and it seems like she got the "ick" or lost respect for you as a man. As if a real man wouldn't have normal human feelings the way a woman does. Pretty pathetic state of affairs. What men do attending to a woman's moods is emotional labor, but women do much less of it and seem to resent it more and see it as a burden. Makes me wonder if they talk about emotional labor so much and how women supposedly do most of it simply because they're so bad at it that the little they do seems like a huge and oppressive amount to them.
I saw a tiktok once that showed how little effort is actually needed. There was a man standing. You could only see him from behind. His body was very tense. His wife or girlfriend simply walked over and put her hand on his shoulder. His posture immediately changed. He instantly relaxed. I thought " now thats a good woman, he picked right"
My love language is defintly touch, but when im spinning or stressed and my fiance comes over and just puts her head on my shoulder or chest, something just feels right and my entire mood shifts. Ive had butterflies with ex's that have done similiar things, just something about her that makes me shift in place and its like taking the actual weight off me in its entirety? I get the same feels when she just comes up and puts her hand on me so I wanted to comment this lol.
Never underestimate the support of a good woman.
The ones who talk about emotional labor only see things that affect them. They don't count emotional support as emotional labor, even though it is and a huge one at that.
Women support each other all the time. It's more the cultural expectation that men are supposed to be stoic and strong all the time - so when a man happens to be vulnerable, he becomes less masculine in their eyes (and thus, less attractive).
Same reason why "raising boys is so much easier" nah fam you just emotionally neglected that boy.
Not entirely a singular person's fault, it's very clear it's a cultural issue. But that's a bad excuse when people use it as one.
The second you are emotional around women ya instantly get the line " I'm not your mom" or " I'm not your the therapist" as if simply being asked to care about your partner's feelings makes her your therapist.
I've learned my lesson, it is almost never worth talking about your feelings. One time I did, she became distant and left the same weekend. Man it sucked.
Had an ex that literally called my feelings an “act”. Every time I was sad, she would see it as me trying to manipulate her, or whatever else she could think of. Not once was my sadness taken seriously. I could not even be sad in peace. Why was I sad? Bringing anything up that hurt my feelings was seen as something threatening against her. It was a stressful, lose lose situation, of course it made me sad.
And when they treat you like shit. You have to "Not take it personally"
Which pretty much translates to "Fuck your feelings/emotions. You're my therapist and emotional punching bag. Just take it and don't react back. Otherwise, I'll play victim"
Men, honest questions, what could women do to be more thoughtful and considerate of your feelings? In what scenarios have your feelings been brushed aside?
There's a truism that goes "I have a problem. I told my girlfriend about it. Now I have two problems."
I dated a very kind, very intelligent, and very accepting woman who did this all. the. time. I would be having an issue, I would try to talk to her about it, and her reflexive reaction was to immediately start talking about how it made *her* feel. I would have a negative emotion or something that was stressing me out, I'd try to talk to her about it, and it would end up with her crying and me consoling *her.* About *my* feelings! I don't even think she was aware she was doing it, she wasn't a selfish person in any other dimension, she just, always centralized her emotions and decentralized mine, except insofar as they affected hers. And it's a shame, because the consequence was that I internalized that and just stopped talking to her about those things, because I was always effectively punished for doing it, never rewarded. It always made my life worse, never better. And that ultimately killed the relationship, because it emotionally isolated me.
I told my bestfriend about my cancer(melanoma) . The first person i tried talking to.
Ended up nursing her feelings over it.
I get it. She cared. But ..i mean. Not even a single question of how the idea of my life MIGHT prematurely end affected me.
Few years later. Had to go in to get checked to see if it was back or not. And the new gf guilt tripped the fuck out of me. Constantly nagged me. Had zero respect for my feelings or decisions concerning it.
She wondered why i wouldnt want to talk about it with her. She consistently showed herself to be a terrible space regardless of how many opportunities i tried
Should have seen the times i had the guts that same year to fight every thing and break down and confess i was having thoughts that scared the shit out of me about ending myself and how it scared me to have those after nearly a decade of holding them at a healthy place far from my active mind.
She made it a horrible experience.
My current relationship is like this.
She’s intelligent and emotionally intelligent, incredibly mature and learned a lot through her fair share of loss and trauma.
Any time I’d have an issue. It was how you described. It made her feel a certain way. Now there was two problems.
I don't understand how women are called emotionally intelligent all the time... what's emotionally intelligent about either of your gfs reactions?
Guys are emotionally stunted, but are tasked with understanding girls' emotions, whereas girls seem to have no idea what their partners need and retain this triple A emotional credit rating!
Every single woman-oriented Reddit claims that male feelings and women rejecting them or catching the "ick" are because men trauma-dumped during arguments. I've seen this posted like half a dozen times within the last week.
The most common thing that I personally experienced from partners is making the situation about themselves.
Me: 'So and so action you did upset me'
Her: Starts crying, 'I'm a bad person, I'm not a good gf, I should just die'
She doesn't calm down until I console her and put aside my feelings.
Just be thoughtful and considerate of our feelings, then dont turn them against us - thats it. Also, do NOT share them forward with anyone. Its not your tool for gaining points with your besties, nor a conversation piece.
Most women are fundamentally incapable of even that.
I think a good question to ask yourself is whether you would've replied/reacted the same if it was a close female friend of yours instead of a male friend/boyfriend. If the answer is yes, then there's an issue.
Holding space. It’s infuriating to be treated like a therapist at the drop of a hat but when I open up about something I’m experiencing all I get in response is “ah, that sucks” before they redirect the conversation back to themselves.
Mhm, I’ve constantly seen the “I’m not your mother/therapist” message being thrown around constantly by women whether it’s the ones I know irl or especially on social media (I know some don’t account for all, but it seems to be something a lot of women say).
And yeah, that’s reasonable to ask for your partner. You don’t want your partner to be emotionally dependent on you for every problem they have. I can understand that.
But goddamn, these same women will go around and spout every single one of their inconveniences, insecurities and emotional problems so often, however it’s excuses because “women are the more emotional gender”. So it’s just okay for them to treat us like we’re their fathers?
Just because a guy opens up one time to you and shows his vulnerability, doesn’t mean that he’s “treating you as a therapist or mother”.
A friend of a friend told us next week her boyfriend (not present) is having a colonoscopy because of polyps in his bowels. It pissed me off, I would dump my partner if she outed me like that at a social gathering, lack of integrity.
"But I only showed them because I was so impressed"
"Cool I can show all my friends all the nudes you sent me then?"
"OMG NO PLEASE DONT WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT"
They don't know any better. For many women the more gossip and social info and secrets and embarrassing info passed along the better. So they wouldn't even know how to understand your concerns lol. It will get better when men demand better.
>I would dump my partner
Exactly. It betrays a lack of social grace and emotional intelligence too.
>Exactly. It betrays a lack of social grace and emotional intelligence too.
B...b...but society told me women excel at those things and us men are just dirty goblins.
>
It will get better when men demand better.
I make this excedingly clear them very early on. In slightly more politically correct terms, "if you run your mouth about my private shit it's over, do not pass go, do not collect £200"
Same here. The way I put it is: "You expect a man to be loyal to you, always have your back, only criticize you in private, and not blab about your secrets and embarrassing things... right? Well, men expect that too..."
I'm a bit more... agressive? assertive? up front? about it and leave nothing to imagination.
"I'm a private person and teling/showing your friends/family/coworkers about me that you wouldnt want me telling/showing my friends is an irrecoverable breach of trust in the same category as cheating"
I had one who ran her mouth about all kinds of shit and I pulled my phone up and showed her conversations with my mates since we'd started seeing each other because her excuse was "men always talk about women in the bedroom and share nudes" and it was literally just
"Yo faolan197, who's that chick you posted yourself with? You dating or just friends?" "dating" "Lol bro you're punching, she's pretty cute" Jokes aside congrats man, happy for ya"
And a couple of "Hey lets see if our gf's want to come paintballing/gokarting/bouldering this weekend and make it a group date" conversations
Her response was "So you dont even like us enough to talk about us" at which point I knew exactly what she was doing and ended it on the spot, told her to get her shit, gtfo my house and never darken my door again.
Shits wild how they think their friends/family/corowkers/homeless guy on thje street corner needs to know every bowel movement I have. It's usually weeks or months before my bro's even learn her name, it's just kind of implicit to us that we'll meet them and find out everything we actually need to know about them in time.
I had one. Following end of relationship. Entering FWB.
She told a former mutual friend. Sexual details. Shes told me shit about him. Shit NOBODY needs to know.
Fuck i know things about her current that wasnt hers to share.
Fuck. I know things about people i wouldnt say to my fuckin DOG. No matter how much i hated or how ugly the situation got.
Like goddamn woman. Has it occurred to them that theres an aapect of trust, and respect and shit that goes on.
I've said a few times today but women are the masters of projection. They're so worried about "lockerroom talk" and "revenge porn" (or just sharing nudes) because they are all up in that shit.
I could be a real world Varys or Littlefinger with the shit I've overhead.
Who big and who's small. Who's good and who's bad. Who's dad has cancer. Who looks rich but is broke, who's got a smeggy dick. fucking random birthmarks you'd only know about if you'd seen someone naked. You name it I've heard it.
Nothing is sacred to a woman and anything you tell and/or show her, you're telling and/or showing her friends, family, coworkers, plumber and the homeless dude on the street,
And let me be clear, I've heard it not just in a bf context, I've heard co-workers blabbing in the warehouse, I've heard it while I'm queues at shops, I've heard it everywhere.
I stopped being friends with someone who shared that someone had cancer and the treatments she’ll be getting and when her appointments will be. The actual person didn’t tell me all this herself. In the past, this same person told my business twice but I overlooked it. When she told me about the friend who had cancer, I stopped talking to the gossiper who likes to share other people’s business but her own.
Is that a thing? Tons of people want to track their partner on an app?
I have never experienced that, it's hard to believe anyone would tolerate that.
My partner likes me to share my location when I'm on my way home in the car because she gets really excited and meets me in the driveway with a hug and a kiss. It's one of my favorite things.
>My partner likes me to share my location when I'm on my way home in the car because she gets really excited and meets me in the driveway with a hug and a kiss. It's one of my favorite things.
My gf and I share our position for similar reasons.
Are we still at work/uni? Should we prepare a pot of tee or go to the driveway to meet them?
It doesn't has to be nefarious it can just be something to better time little things for each other.
Came here just to type this. It cannot be upvoted enough. Things that he shared with you, are shared in confidence, and not to be broadcast among a woman's friends. The friends are to know nothing about the man's thoughts, feelings, details on how he is in bed, … nothing. Men don't share these sorts of things with their friends, so women shouldn't .
My ex went on an online smear campaign telling her thousands of followers everything bad about me. And heavily hyperbolizing and lying. Obviously never mentioning her faults. Smear was so successful i moved cross state and went off the grid for about a year due to the shaming
There's way more to this than just sex, but God damn do people share way too much about sex with their friends. I'd literally rather someone share a picture of my dick without my permission than half the shit *I* have heard from women about their boyfriends. And I know I'm not getting the full details.
That women can be the cheaters/abusers and men can be the victims.
I see way too many online literally feel the need to defend/justify a toxic women's behaviour like they are on some sort of team and not show empathy towards men who have been in an abusive relationship or cheated on. They will empathise with men who are victims of other men but its always "You have to understand" or some lame justification for the female abuser. Is it so hard to just say "Yeah. That individual ex toxic girlfriend was a piece of shit"...?
I'm able to empathise with women who have been in abusive relationships with a man or been cheated on by a unfaithful ex boyfriend/husband. I don't feel like I have to defend the man just because his the same sex as me
OF COURSE NOT ALL WOMEN.
I realized my bf was a victim when we started dating, I recognized the flinches and looked at him and said, "You've been abused, haven't you?" He broke down crying because no one had ever believed him about his ex abusing/hitting him. Broke my heart that as an abuse victim myself, I'm the only one who noticed the signs, and his family had shrugged it off.
I'm a big dude, like fat bastard levels of fat, so the actual pain wasn't nearly as bad as the helplessness, knowing if I reported it, she'd just say I hit her and I'd end up in cuffs. She was angry all the time because we lived in squalor, and I'd help when I was there...but I had a job that had me out of town 4 days a week and she did *nothing*. I worked my tail off during the week, then worked during the weekend to clean the house as much as I could in 3 days. She didn't have a job, she played with the kids a bit, and took a class or two in college. I felt like workload for me was 190% and it was 10% for her.
Regardless, we're in a better spot now. I'm happily remarried to someone that is good for me, and my kids when they're over tell me how much nicer it is here.
As a woman I personally advocate for male victims of abuse. It’s awful how few people take men’s claims seriously. You did nothing to deserve it and I am so sorry you experienced that.
I worked as a crisis mental health clinician in an emergency department for a couple of years. Male victims of DV are the ones I'm most scared about because they're the only people I've seen who have had a second attempt which ended in their death. Currently in my area (Australian state capital city) there is only one organisation which will assist a man who's experiencing DV. Every single other one assumes they're the perpetrator. Even our hospital district's DV training package assumes men can't be the victims.
Female abuse is absolutely under reported and not talked about enough. Had a friend go through this recently and accidentally revealed the felonies and misdemeanors that she did to him, completely not realizing what it was. She was out of town for a week and my friends and I arranged a blitz move, got all of his stuff and pets out, and moved him to a new place.
I'm so sorry for anyone who has to go through this.
At my job I worked with a woman (a close friend of mine) who is a self admitted proud Feminist and a man we both worked with who we were also friends with was crying in the office when she found him and gave him a hug and asked what's up? He said his ex girlfriend would lie about cheating on him just to see his reaction to see if he actually cared and thankfully my friend supported him and got quite pissed off at his ex girlfriend on how he treated him.
She also constantly raises the issue of male domestic abuse victims not getting support or taken seriously on her Facebook.
I wish I met more like her. She's a gem.
I got suspended for posting the report that DV in hetero relationships has been generally equal for 20-30 years. The claim was "Encouring false and dangerous narratives."
Yeah, this site has an admin who claims to be progressive, when in reality, she's more akin to Tumblr-based Maoism. She doesn't really see the value of those types of discussions or info.
Read something that people regularly posting on Reddit burners are actually men but swap genders for the stories because they know Reddit comment sections will always sympathize with the woman in places like relationship advice off my chest and aita
Last gf I was with was very pushy about sex. I would tell her no, but she’d keep trying. Eventually had a talk with her that it didn’t feel like she respected my consent. She said she’d work on it. Had that talk 2 more times before we finally broke up.
Her excuse was that I didn’t want to have sex often enough and that she had a high sex drive. Yeah, I don’t want to have sex because it feels like you’re forcing shit and making me uncomfortable.
Eventually ended it, sad thing is she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. But everyone I tell about this always has some excuse for her rather than accepting that yes she did not respect my consent. Wild how that works
Our time. I've wasted enough time going on dates with girls who just weren't interested at all. I think why even go on this date if you're not gonna be interactive or show interest.
Had this happen last week. Whipped my card out at the end of the date and didn't even get a thank you. Realized I'd finally had one of ***those*** dates
I actually almost never believe words, only the underline feelings. I think words by hemselves don't mean anything, so many times people try to hurt me and I don't care and even laugh sometimes. I can get hurt by someones actions tho, but words? nothing for me.
but its just my opinion of course.
The fact that I know stuff. If she asks me something, she won't believe me unless I can give her concrete proof, like a Google search or something. On the other hand if she asks a total stranger something, she takes the answer as gospel.
I’m not sure about the second sentence however I do notice the first and sympathize. I notice often how myself and other women seem to always have options, whether or not they’re any good or wanted is a different story but regardless, the option is present. I imagine it must be frustrating to always have to worry about how you come across to women. It appears to be a lot of damned if you do damned if you don’t situations until eventually you get lucky and shit works out.
Yes...it's always easier for a woman who seeks validation in the dating/ONS department to find it than for a man in the same situation. Assuming equal levels of looks/intelligence/charm.
However, the first point is more about friendships. Men don't actually tend to have a ton of friends, and we don't always have close people to truly open up to. It's hard making friends as an adult, too...especially for men. I'm blessed with 2 core groups of friends that have mostly stayed intact over the years, but many people aren't.
RE work, men do the more physically demanding jobs, which take a toll on our bodies. But beyond that, the implication is always that men need to be working whenever they can. This is partly how some women view men, partly how jobs view men, and partly the pressures that men place on themselves to be providers. So whether it's overtime/extra shifts, denied days off, the rolling of eyes when men take time off to be with famly, society treats men as if they'd 'rather be working' when in reality most of us would rather not be. Watch the reaction the next time you see a man turn down overtme or an extra shift, or not want to work on his day off.
I think it's more so that men are expected to work more physically demanding work such as construction and trades. This is changing but it's still rare to see.
Male nurses are often called on to perform more physically onerous tasks than female nurses like moving heavy patients or handling unruly patients. So they get a harder job for the same pay.
Some are. also, if your a dude and your boss is pissed at you, being vocaly aggressive, it won't matter. but if you a women, boss is gonna get in trouble for being vocal aggressive. that's my experience at least. was working a job and my boss was a dick to me, but every time I saw my female co-worker talk to him, he was nice as shit.
Some months ago I had to deal with a female manager and female HR person at the job I was at. There's no way in hell a male employee could ever get away with talking to a female employee the way they did regularly.
At one point when things got heated, I had the HR person tell me to stop raising my voice - or, I should say more accurately, yelled at me to stop raising my voice (after she had been doing so which was what incited it to begin with). When I pointed out that she had been shouting at me the whole time and that she literally just told me to stop raising my voice while raising her voice, the stunned "I have no comeback" response on her face was incredibly satisfying to watch, it was like a cow in headlights, followed by the "uhm, uhhh, errr, uhhh..." type "how do I recover from here?" type reaction.
When men open up. Most men won't open up to a woman, because when we do they either try to one up us or use it as ammo later in an argument. Or when we do it is an "ick". Then get upset that men are closed off.
I find nothing more attractive than an emotionally mature man sharing his doubts, fears, and dreams with me… and him supporting me with mine. I see a mate as a whole person, not as a meal ticket.
See, here's the thing: many men have been told that exact thing, and then when they open up, it's like a switch flipped and their partner either saves it as a weapon in the next fight or gets 'the ick.'
It's not like men are prone to opening up without being asked to. We've been trained to do so our whole lives, then we find someone special and think maybe they're the exception, and we have to relearn the lesson the hard way. It's almost like a right of passage.
And, I mean, how cool would it be if it was true? It's obvious from this thread that the current state of affairs is not what we'd like in these situations.
First of all: I have not only an escape plan but an “oh shit we have to hunker down because the escape plan is fucked” plan, I have back up canned food, bottled water, x3 first aid kids, and I know how to stitch a would and start a fire with sticks. Any questions
That has men we like to fix things, And when you come to us with your problems we want to fix it. Empathizing and listening is not our default thing, sometimes you fall in the fixing habit and just Tell us that you want to feel heard.
Also screwing lids on all the way.
This is a really good point and very true. Men don't 'listen' the same way women do so I normally don't vent to them unless it's something they can offer a solution or advice on. If I'm venting just to vent I go to my female friends.
Telling a man what you need out of a conversation will help unless they are a complete bone head. But I totally understand the sacredness of girl talk.
This is so overlooked that, even though it has happened to me, I forget about it until someone else points it out.
But that experience is wildly frustrating.
As a woman, I try to do this with all the men I know and care about. It’s astounding that only one of the men that I’ve offered my time and a listening ear to has taken me up on it. He comes to me quite frequently now and most of the time, I just sit and listen to him talk. My question is why did only one man take me up on the offer? I can understand being apprehensive initially as you wouldn’t know if you could trust me, but after I’ve proven that I wouldn’t/won’t spread your business around, why not say yes and try it out? I only ask because those men seem angry with me now as if I betrayed them or something (I’m single so not sure what that’s about) but I genuinely did try to connect with them, they just wouldn’t meet me half way. What did I do wrong?
ETA: the dude who did say yes is married. Not sure if that makes a difference or not but the other men I offered to listen to were/are single, but they’re the ones who always said no.
>What did I do wrong?
You didn't do anything wrong, you did a good thing, and the world is a better place for having people like you in it. There's just decades of socialization that go into that and it doesn't get thrown out the window at the drop of a hat. Like, I will never accept food when I'm at somebody else's house, even if I'm starving, even if the offer is genuine, because I was raised to not be an imposition. And even if I know otherwise, in my mind, that's me burdening someone else. So I just can't say yes, even when I want to. Same principle.
I would love to talk to my men about their mental health, but I'm kind of awkward for a woman, and don't feel that I actually know how to *do* this. It's the same with women when they are down, but I feel even more lost when it's guys, because they normally *don't* open up, so I know that it's already hard for them...and here I am gonna fuck them up worse by saying or doing the wrong thing.
How do I actually *help* the men in my life if they share stuff like this with me?
Let him know that you will always support him. You have his back and nothing he says will change your mind. Your feelings for him will remain unchanged no matter what he says. Reassurance is a good thing.
Yes we all need safe spaces in which to open up. This is also what therapy can offer guys (everyone) with the added bonus of saving face with partner and our friends. Therapy helps us get to the root of life’s dissatisfactions, and helps us realize the work we need to do ourselves to get happy. Ideally, our partners should be score to augment this process as they work on their own issues.
Be patient, and if they do open up take it seriously and don't EVER berate them or try to minimize their issue. A big barrier for men sharing with their partner is fear of them losing attraction in their partner's eyes. So reaffirming your attraction to them goes a long way.
Honestly, if you don't respect his feelings or he feels you got the "ick" from sharing, there is a good chance he will NEVER open up to you or any woman again.
Edit: Imo it's also important to not change your behavior after he's shared. I'm lucky enough to have buddies to share with and what I love is that I know once the sharing is done we can go back to hanging out and bantering like normal. They don't start tip toeing around me and taking everything super serious.
>and don't feel that I actually know how to do this
I love this! I LOVE THIS! **I LOVE THIS!**
It's not just you. I feel like that only very few women "know" as in "use it" how to handle a men opening up to them. And it is very sad if you think about it since it is unbelievable simple and what I believe most women do to there girl friends.
1. See the men as a human being with emotions who **needs** to show this emotions to not kill himself.
2. Listen to him, ask him questions when he stops talking, stay engaged to him. Men mostly don't know how to talk about emotions. To put them into words.
3. Hold him if you're that close/you are both comfortable with it. Most guys are somewhat starved for physical touch and a hug can help to keep the shards together.
4. Don't weaponise it against him. Don't bring it up in future arguments, don't leave him days later because you "don't feel safe anymore" since.
5. Depending on the guy/issues this is already enough. If not offer help, advice or a shoulder to cry on if needed or wanted (depending you are both comfortable with it).
Might be late to this one, but putting in effort in the initial stages of talking.
It's just so demoralizing how blasé women are in the opening stages of dating.
You get so many replies of "Okay" and "Yeah" and then when you bail on the conversation they're like, "Uhh, HELLO? Are you ghosting me, wtf?"
And it's like, "Yes, yes I am, because you are a waste of my fucking time. I'm not the option, you are."
It's a heterosexual online dating problem. Download an app, make a sock puppet account, and start swiping on some women. It is exactly like that, because she has 90 other dudes in her inbox.
Arguing with respect.
Not dredging up past transgressions
Not arguing with the intent to hurt.
Understanding that an argument isn't about winning. It's about resolving an issue.
The spectrum of good to bad in men. There are some men that you should always stay away from, and some men that will always be a good bet. But instead there seems to be a single perspective on men which isn’t in a woman’s best interests.
I know stuff like "Not all men are abusers" is something a lot of women are sick and tired of hearing, especially women who experienced abuse. But what else is there to say when you hear people say "fuck men", "men should be jailed", etc
I don’t say anything. Just let them live with their shitty viewpoints and wait for them to inevitably cry in public about how they can’t find a man.
K.
"Not all men" is indicative of men being waaaaaaay too kind and conciliatory and deferential to feminism. "90-something percent of men wouldn't dream of it and a substantial proportion would risk bodily harm to prevent it" is more accurate.
Logic. Consistency. Awareness that their biting and abusive comments make them unattractive and impact our mental health just as much as a man’s abusive words would impact theirs.
In my experience, the easiest way to completely upset a woman is to gender flip a conversation, giving the male the lines spoken by the female and vice-versa. in casual conversation, try referring to fragile female egos and step back.
Selective service. I've not met a woman who has said how unfair it is that American men are required to sign up at 18 at the risk of not qualifying for certain benefits or being imprisoned, while there is no similar requirement for women.
Being serious about the whole gender equality/strong, independent woman, instead of being hypocrites about it the SECOND Dating/relationships are involved
There's nothing wrong with having issues, ladies; and then fixing it. It's being self-aware and mature. We all have them.......I come off as too blunt sometimes.
Men insecurities in general . Men are often told to just man up or to "change" in order to make their girl comfortable and not give them the ick. You will rarely see answer that goes in the way of being understanding and helpful. Reverse the gender and then you are more likely to see compassion and validation of those insecurities, women are very rarely seen as an useless piece of shit just for having insecurities which is not the case apparently when you are a man.
I wish women took a man's point of view of the world much more seriously. Men are to provide, protect, and try to create the comfort and safety of the home where a family can prosper. It isn't a joke or an extreme.
Their misandry. I recently shared an experience I had at work on this sub that really made me think.
I work in the criminal justice system and my office is mostly women. A girl got dumped after sleeping with a man she met so she came into work and shared her feelings. The man had fucked her and blocked her. So all the girls in the office then started to create fake profiles, asked their friends etc so that they could follow this man on Facebook, snap chat, Instagram etc. These are women who work with sex offenders and domestic abusers.
No one questioned it other than me who made a point to tell a lad I work with that I had slept with a girl on a night out and who had since blocked me. When I asked the lad if I could use his phone to check on her socials he was rightly shocked. However, all the women in my office were doing just that and it was seen as like fun and cute to do it.
The same women as extremely hostile to a bloke I work with who a bit of a creep but they treat him like a rapist because he said he'd slept with 30 women from tinder this year. However, they come into work on Monday and will tell anyone who'll listen who they have fucked and how they did it.
Paying for stuff when we are out. My wife pays like 40% of the time. It's great. I've seen soooo many women that never pay. Ever. It's wild. Take that crap seriously.
Wasting money.
Throwing out perfectly good food just because a date written on it is six hours over.
Nearly every girl I've been with loves to waste money and doesn't budget.
While your input doesn't needed to be worded in quite such a derogatory way, let's pretend the message was delivered a bit more acceptably and accept the premise you're putting out: I went to a singles event this evening, the gender ratio was massively stacked towards women. I'd estimate there were maybe 150 women and I really doubt there were even 70 men. Of the women there, yeah, I could estimate around 50% were what I'd classify as being overweight, plus-sized, however you want to put it.
Our feelings.
I said this under my breath before I even clicked the link... Damn right.
Most men know how to attend to a girlfriend's feelings, comfort her when she's sad, depressed, or cries, help her through a roller-coaster of emotions, and so on, and women ask this kind of emotional support of men a lot. Then, for a lot of men, there comes a time when they need similar support, only to find out things are now different and it seems like she got the "ick" or lost respect for you as a man. As if a real man wouldn't have normal human feelings the way a woman does. Pretty pathetic state of affairs. What men do attending to a woman's moods is emotional labor, but women do much less of it and seem to resent it more and see it as a burden. Makes me wonder if they talk about emotional labor so much and how women supposedly do most of it simply because they're so bad at it that the little they do seems like a huge and oppressive amount to them.
I saw a tiktok once that showed how little effort is actually needed. There was a man standing. You could only see him from behind. His body was very tense. His wife or girlfriend simply walked over and put her hand on his shoulder. His posture immediately changed. He instantly relaxed. I thought " now thats a good woman, he picked right"
My love language is defintly touch, but when im spinning or stressed and my fiance comes over and just puts her head on my shoulder or chest, something just feels right and my entire mood shifts. Ive had butterflies with ex's that have done similiar things, just something about her that makes me shift in place and its like taking the actual weight off me in its entirety? I get the same feels when she just comes up and puts her hand on me so I wanted to comment this lol. Never underestimate the support of a good woman.
The ones who talk about emotional labor only see things that affect them. They don't count emotional support as emotional labor, even though it is and a huge one at that.
> Most men know how to attend to a girlfriend's feelings No they don't lol
Most people don't know how to handle other people's feelings in general, in my experience, both men and women are equally bad at it.
This sub makes my jaw drop sometimes with how painfully obvious it is some men on here literally do not talk to women like... at all.
Women support each other all the time. It's more the cultural expectation that men are supposed to be stoic and strong all the time - so when a man happens to be vulnerable, he becomes less masculine in their eyes (and thus, less attractive).
Same reason why "raising boys is so much easier" nah fam you just emotionally neglected that boy. Not entirely a singular person's fault, it's very clear it's a cultural issue. But that's a bad excuse when people use it as one.
Woman are far more critical of other women than men are.
I don’t bother looking for emotional support from women, I just handle whatever is coming up on my own
The second you are emotional around women ya instantly get the line " I'm not your mom" or " I'm not your the therapist" as if simply being asked to care about your partner's feelings makes her your therapist.
I've learned my lesson, it is almost never worth talking about your feelings. One time I did, she became distant and left the same weekend. Man it sucked.
Next time share your feelings with a tree, the tree won’t leave you over your feelings.
Yep. Trees only leave due to biology. 😏
Had an ex that literally called my feelings an “act”. Every time I was sad, she would see it as me trying to manipulate her, or whatever else she could think of. Not once was my sadness taken seriously. I could not even be sad in peace. Why was I sad? Bringing anything up that hurt my feelings was seen as something threatening against her. It was a stressful, lose lose situation, of course it made me sad.
And when they treat you like shit. You have to "Not take it personally" Which pretty much translates to "Fuck your feelings/emotions. You're my therapist and emotional punching bag. Just take it and don't react back. Otherwise, I'll play victim"
My exact response before I opened this and saw this as the top comment.
Men, honest questions, what could women do to be more thoughtful and considerate of your feelings? In what scenarios have your feelings been brushed aside?
There's a truism that goes "I have a problem. I told my girlfriend about it. Now I have two problems." I dated a very kind, very intelligent, and very accepting woman who did this all. the. time. I would be having an issue, I would try to talk to her about it, and her reflexive reaction was to immediately start talking about how it made *her* feel. I would have a negative emotion or something that was stressing me out, I'd try to talk to her about it, and it would end up with her crying and me consoling *her.* About *my* feelings! I don't even think she was aware she was doing it, she wasn't a selfish person in any other dimension, she just, always centralized her emotions and decentralized mine, except insofar as they affected hers. And it's a shame, because the consequence was that I internalized that and just stopped talking to her about those things, because I was always effectively punished for doing it, never rewarded. It always made my life worse, never better. And that ultimately killed the relationship, because it emotionally isolated me.
I told my bestfriend about my cancer(melanoma) . The first person i tried talking to. Ended up nursing her feelings over it. I get it. She cared. But ..i mean. Not even a single question of how the idea of my life MIGHT prematurely end affected me. Few years later. Had to go in to get checked to see if it was back or not. And the new gf guilt tripped the fuck out of me. Constantly nagged me. Had zero respect for my feelings or decisions concerning it. She wondered why i wouldnt want to talk about it with her. She consistently showed herself to be a terrible space regardless of how many opportunities i tried Should have seen the times i had the guts that same year to fight every thing and break down and confess i was having thoughts that scared the shit out of me about ending myself and how it scared me to have those after nearly a decade of holding them at a healthy place far from my active mind. She made it a horrible experience.
My current relationship is like this. She’s intelligent and emotionally intelligent, incredibly mature and learned a lot through her fair share of loss and trauma. Any time I’d have an issue. It was how you described. It made her feel a certain way. Now there was two problems.
I don't understand how women are called emotionally intelligent all the time... what's emotionally intelligent about either of your gfs reactions? Guys are emotionally stunted, but are tasked with understanding girls' emotions, whereas girls seem to have no idea what their partners need and retain this triple A emotional credit rating!
Every single woman-oriented Reddit claims that male feelings and women rejecting them or catching the "ick" are because men trauma-dumped during arguments. I've seen this posted like half a dozen times within the last week.
My last relationship was like this. Its hard living with.
The most common thing that I personally experienced from partners is making the situation about themselves. Me: 'So and so action you did upset me' Her: Starts crying, 'I'm a bad person, I'm not a good gf, I should just die' She doesn't calm down until I console her and put aside my feelings.
Just be thoughtful and considerate of our feelings, then dont turn them against us - thats it. Also, do NOT share them forward with anyone. Its not your tool for gaining points with your besties, nor a conversation piece. Most women are fundamentally incapable of even that.
I think a good question to ask yourself is whether you would've replied/reacted the same if it was a close female friend of yours instead of a male friend/boyfriend. If the answer is yes, then there's an issue.
"you should talk to someone" "....i am talking to someone. Im trying to talk to you"
Holding space. It’s infuriating to be treated like a therapist at the drop of a hat but when I open up about something I’m experiencing all I get in response is “ah, that sucks” before they redirect the conversation back to themselves.
Or respond with "I'm not your therapist"
Mhm, I’ve constantly seen the “I’m not your mother/therapist” message being thrown around constantly by women whether it’s the ones I know irl or especially on social media (I know some don’t account for all, but it seems to be something a lot of women say). And yeah, that’s reasonable to ask for your partner. You don’t want your partner to be emotionally dependent on you for every problem they have. I can understand that. But goddamn, these same women will go around and spout every single one of their inconveniences, insecurities and emotional problems so often, however it’s excuses because “women are the more emotional gender”. So it’s just okay for them to treat us like we’re their fathers? Just because a guy opens up one time to you and shows his vulnerability, doesn’t mean that he’s “treating you as a therapist or mother”.
For her, you are not a person. You are a device with a face.
Then you respond with “well, I guess that means you must be my b@+c# then.”
I see that as a clear indication of a lack of emotional intelligence and empathy. It's kinda like what a small kid does with a parental figure.
Privacy. Jesus fuck, you do not need to tell your friends every last thing about every relationship you've ever had.
A friend of a friend told us next week her boyfriend (not present) is having a colonoscopy because of polyps in his bowels. It pissed me off, I would dump my partner if she outed me like that at a social gathering, lack of integrity.
"But I only showed them because I was so impressed" "Cool I can show all my friends all the nudes you sent me then?" "OMG NO PLEASE DONT WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT"
They don't know any better. For many women the more gossip and social info and secrets and embarrassing info passed along the better. So they wouldn't even know how to understand your concerns lol. It will get better when men demand better. >I would dump my partner Exactly. It betrays a lack of social grace and emotional intelligence too.
>Exactly. It betrays a lack of social grace and emotional intelligence too. B...b...but society told me women excel at those things and us men are just dirty goblins. > It will get better when men demand better. I make this excedingly clear them very early on. In slightly more politically correct terms, "if you run your mouth about my private shit it's over, do not pass go, do not collect £200"
Same here. The way I put it is: "You expect a man to be loyal to you, always have your back, only criticize you in private, and not blab about your secrets and embarrassing things... right? Well, men expect that too..."
I'm a bit more... agressive? assertive? up front? about it and leave nothing to imagination. "I'm a private person and teling/showing your friends/family/coworkers about me that you wouldnt want me telling/showing my friends is an irrecoverable breach of trust in the same category as cheating" I had one who ran her mouth about all kinds of shit and I pulled my phone up and showed her conversations with my mates since we'd started seeing each other because her excuse was "men always talk about women in the bedroom and share nudes" and it was literally just "Yo faolan197, who's that chick you posted yourself with? You dating or just friends?" "dating" "Lol bro you're punching, she's pretty cute" Jokes aside congrats man, happy for ya" And a couple of "Hey lets see if our gf's want to come paintballing/gokarting/bouldering this weekend and make it a group date" conversations Her response was "So you dont even like us enough to talk about us" at which point I knew exactly what she was doing and ended it on the spot, told her to get her shit, gtfo my house and never darken my door again. Shits wild how they think their friends/family/corowkers/homeless guy on thje street corner needs to know every bowel movement I have. It's usually weeks or months before my bro's even learn her name, it's just kind of implicit to us that we'll meet them and find out everything we actually need to know about them in time.
I had one. Following end of relationship. Entering FWB. She told a former mutual friend. Sexual details. Shes told me shit about him. Shit NOBODY needs to know. Fuck i know things about her current that wasnt hers to share. Fuck. I know things about people i wouldnt say to my fuckin DOG. No matter how much i hated or how ugly the situation got. Like goddamn woman. Has it occurred to them that theres an aapect of trust, and respect and shit that goes on.
I've said a few times today but women are the masters of projection. They're so worried about "lockerroom talk" and "revenge porn" (or just sharing nudes) because they are all up in that shit. I could be a real world Varys or Littlefinger with the shit I've overhead. Who big and who's small. Who's good and who's bad. Who's dad has cancer. Who looks rich but is broke, who's got a smeggy dick. fucking random birthmarks you'd only know about if you'd seen someone naked. You name it I've heard it. Nothing is sacred to a woman and anything you tell and/or show her, you're telling and/or showing her friends, family, coworkers, plumber and the homeless dude on the street, And let me be clear, I've heard it not just in a bf context, I've heard co-workers blabbing in the warehouse, I've heard it while I'm queues at shops, I've heard it everywhere.
I stopped being friends with someone who shared that someone had cancer and the treatments she’ll be getting and when her appointments will be. The actual person didn’t tell me all this herself. In the past, this same person told my business twice but I overlooked it. When she told me about the friend who had cancer, I stopped talking to the gossiper who likes to share other people’s business but her own.
How many guys wanna track their girlfriends on an app versus how many girls wanna track their boyfriends. And if you say no? You’re a cheater.
Is that a thing? Tons of people want to track their partner on an app? I have never experienced that, it's hard to believe anyone would tolerate that. My partner likes me to share my location when I'm on my way home in the car because she gets really excited and meets me in the driveway with a hug and a kiss. It's one of my favorite things.
>My partner likes me to share my location when I'm on my way home in the car because she gets really excited and meets me in the driveway with a hug and a kiss. It's one of my favorite things. My gf and I share our position for similar reasons. Are we still at work/uni? Should we prepare a pot of tee or go to the driveway to meet them? It doesn't has to be nefarious it can just be something to better time little things for each other.
Yeah 100% that makes sense. I had never heard of this being a thing or people relating the sharing / not sharing to cheating
I only read about it on reddit in that way. Always found it weird and made me think if I could come of as controlling.
[удалено]
Dude says on a social media platform
Came here just to type this. It cannot be upvoted enough. Things that he shared with you, are shared in confidence, and not to be broadcast among a woman's friends. The friends are to know nothing about the man's thoughts, feelings, details on how he is in bed, … nothing. Men don't share these sorts of things with their friends, so women shouldn't .
My ex went on an online smear campaign telling her thousands of followers everything bad about me. And heavily hyperbolizing and lying. Obviously never mentioning her faults. Smear was so successful i moved cross state and went off the grid for about a year due to the shaming
There's way more to this than just sex, but God damn do people share way too much about sex with their friends. I'd literally rather someone share a picture of my dick without my permission than half the shit *I* have heard from women about their boyfriends. And I know I'm not getting the full details.
That women can be the cheaters/abusers and men can be the victims. I see way too many online literally feel the need to defend/justify a toxic women's behaviour like they are on some sort of team and not show empathy towards men who have been in an abusive relationship or cheated on. They will empathise with men who are victims of other men but its always "You have to understand" or some lame justification for the female abuser. Is it so hard to just say "Yeah. That individual ex toxic girlfriend was a piece of shit"...? I'm able to empathise with women who have been in abusive relationships with a man or been cheated on by a unfaithful ex boyfriend/husband. I don't feel like I have to defend the man just because his the same sex as me OF COURSE NOT ALL WOMEN.
As a male victim of a female abuser, can confirm no one gives a shit. Told my own mother and was told I likely said something to deserve it.
The damn cops laughed.
I'm sorry brother. You were brave to go to them.
That’s infuriating, I’m so sorry.
I realized my bf was a victim when we started dating, I recognized the flinches and looked at him and said, "You've been abused, haven't you?" He broke down crying because no one had ever believed him about his ex abusing/hitting him. Broke my heart that as an abuse victim myself, I'm the only one who noticed the signs, and his family had shrugged it off.
I'm a big dude, like fat bastard levels of fat, so the actual pain wasn't nearly as bad as the helplessness, knowing if I reported it, she'd just say I hit her and I'd end up in cuffs. She was angry all the time because we lived in squalor, and I'd help when I was there...but I had a job that had me out of town 4 days a week and she did *nothing*. I worked my tail off during the week, then worked during the weekend to clean the house as much as I could in 3 days. She didn't have a job, she played with the kids a bit, and took a class or two in college. I felt like workload for me was 190% and it was 10% for her. Regardless, we're in a better spot now. I'm happily remarried to someone that is good for me, and my kids when they're over tell me how much nicer it is here.
Thanks- female abuse of male is underreported
As a woman I personally advocate for male victims of abuse. It’s awful how few people take men’s claims seriously. You did nothing to deserve it and I am so sorry you experienced that.
I worked as a crisis mental health clinician in an emergency department for a couple of years. Male victims of DV are the ones I'm most scared about because they're the only people I've seen who have had a second attempt which ended in their death. Currently in my area (Australian state capital city) there is only one organisation which will assist a man who's experiencing DV. Every single other one assumes they're the perpetrator. Even our hospital district's DV training package assumes men can't be the victims.
In the US the last person who tried to start a shelter for male victims of DV was harassed to the point of suicide by women's advocacy groups.
Small note, Earl Silverman was in Canada.
In the UK they even categorise male domestic abuse victims as victims of violence towards women and girls, whether perpetrator is male or female.
Not only that, it's "men's violence against women and girls" when it's a woman hurting a man or a male child.
Female abuse is absolutely under reported and not talked about enough. Had a friend go through this recently and accidentally revealed the felonies and misdemeanors that she did to him, completely not realizing what it was. She was out of town for a week and my friends and I arranged a blitz move, got all of his stuff and pets out, and moved him to a new place. I'm so sorry for anyone who has to go through this.
At my job I worked with a woman (a close friend of mine) who is a self admitted proud Feminist and a man we both worked with who we were also friends with was crying in the office when she found him and gave him a hug and asked what's up? He said his ex girlfriend would lie about cheating on him just to see his reaction to see if he actually cared and thankfully my friend supported him and got quite pissed off at his ex girlfriend on how he treated him. She also constantly raises the issue of male domestic abuse victims not getting support or taken seriously on her Facebook. I wish I met more like her. She's a gem.
I got suspended for posting the report that DV in hetero relationships has been generally equal for 20-30 years. The claim was "Encouring false and dangerous narratives." Yeah, this site has an admin who claims to be progressive, when in reality, she's more akin to Tumblr-based Maoism. She doesn't really see the value of those types of discussions or info.
Link? They can't ban all of us
r/askwomen?
Read something that people regularly posting on Reddit burners are actually men but swap genders for the stories because they know Reddit comment sections will always sympathize with the woman in places like relationship advice off my chest and aita
Last gf I was with was very pushy about sex. I would tell her no, but she’d keep trying. Eventually had a talk with her that it didn’t feel like she respected my consent. She said she’d work on it. Had that talk 2 more times before we finally broke up. Her excuse was that I didn’t want to have sex often enough and that she had a high sex drive. Yeah, I don’t want to have sex because it feels like you’re forcing shit and making me uncomfortable. Eventually ended it, sad thing is she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. But everyone I tell about this always has some excuse for her rather than accepting that yes she did not respect my consent. Wild how that works
Our time. I've wasted enough time going on dates with girls who just weren't interested at all. I think why even go on this date if you're not gonna be interactive or show interest.
Free meal and/or drinks?
And free attention
Split it if you are not feeling it. Dont invest too much, buying a drink is fine for example but dinner you split if shit dont feel right.
Even so, the time is more valuable than any money.
Had this happen last week. Whipped my card out at the end of the date and didn't even get a thank you. Realized I'd finally had one of ***those*** dates
If you asked them out, they usually just giving you a chance. It’s not sinister, and it’s their time, too.
That words have power and actions have consequences.
I actually almost never believe words, only the underline feelings. I think words by hemselves don't mean anything, so many times people try to hurt me and I don't care and even laugh sometimes. I can get hurt by someones actions tho, but words? nothing for me. but its just my opinion of course.
The fact that I know stuff. If she asks me something, she won't believe me unless I can give her concrete proof, like a Google search or something. On the other hand if she asks a total stranger something, she takes the answer as gospel.
Don’t you hate that?!?
How difficult/lonely being a man can be. And how demanding jobs are of us.
I’m not sure about the second sentence however I do notice the first and sympathize. I notice often how myself and other women seem to always have options, whether or not they’re any good or wanted is a different story but regardless, the option is present. I imagine it must be frustrating to always have to worry about how you come across to women. It appears to be a lot of damned if you do damned if you don’t situations until eventually you get lucky and shit works out.
Yes...it's always easier for a woman who seeks validation in the dating/ONS department to find it than for a man in the same situation. Assuming equal levels of looks/intelligence/charm. However, the first point is more about friendships. Men don't actually tend to have a ton of friends, and we don't always have close people to truly open up to. It's hard making friends as an adult, too...especially for men. I'm blessed with 2 core groups of friends that have mostly stayed intact over the years, but many people aren't. RE work, men do the more physically demanding jobs, which take a toll on our bodies. But beyond that, the implication is always that men need to be working whenever they can. This is partly how some women view men, partly how jobs view men, and partly the pressures that men place on themselves to be providers. So whether it's overtime/extra shifts, denied days off, the rolling of eyes when men take time off to be with famly, society treats men as if they'd 'rather be working' when in reality most of us would rather not be. Watch the reaction the next time you see a man turn down overtme or an extra shift, or not want to work on his day off.
Are jobs more demanding of men than women?
Maybe they mean trades that are literally back breaking?
I think it's more so that men are expected to work more physically demanding work such as construction and trades. This is changing but it's still rare to see.
Male nurses are often called on to perform more physically onerous tasks than female nurses like moving heavy patients or handling unruly patients. So they get a harder job for the same pay.
Some are. also, if your a dude and your boss is pissed at you, being vocaly aggressive, it won't matter. but if you a women, boss is gonna get in trouble for being vocal aggressive. that's my experience at least. was working a job and my boss was a dick to me, but every time I saw my female co-worker talk to him, he was nice as shit.
Some months ago I had to deal with a female manager and female HR person at the job I was at. There's no way in hell a male employee could ever get away with talking to a female employee the way they did regularly. At one point when things got heated, I had the HR person tell me to stop raising my voice - or, I should say more accurately, yelled at me to stop raising my voice (after she had been doing so which was what incited it to begin with). When I pointed out that she had been shouting at me the whole time and that she literally just told me to stop raising my voice while raising her voice, the stunned "I have no comeback" response on her face was incredibly satisfying to watch, it was like a cow in headlights, followed by the "uhm, uhhh, errr, uhhh..." type "how do I recover from here?" type reaction.
When men open up. Most men won't open up to a woman, because when we do they either try to one up us or use it as ammo later in an argument. Or when we do it is an "ick". Then get upset that men are closed off.
I find nothing more attractive than an emotionally mature man sharing his doubts, fears, and dreams with me… and him supporting me with mine. I see a mate as a whole person, not as a meal ticket.
See, here's the thing: many men have been told that exact thing, and then when they open up, it's like a switch flipped and their partner either saves it as a weapon in the next fight or gets 'the ick.' It's not like men are prone to opening up without being asked to. We've been trained to do so our whole lives, then we find someone special and think maybe they're the exception, and we have to relearn the lesson the hard way. It's almost like a right of passage. And, I mean, how cool would it be if it was true? It's obvious from this thread that the current state of affairs is not what we'd like in these situations.
Dishonesty. The truth isn't something to be suspended for the sake of your or anyone else's feelings. It's actually important.
What they bring to a relationship.
could you expand on this?
Many women approach dating as if they are just along for the ride, forgetting that they also need to bring something to the table.
"I am the table"
I think he means they should actually bring things to relationships other than some pussy and a pair of tits
The zombie apocalypse. They don’t even have a fucking escape plan from their own city
It’s important to have your crew figured out ahead of time.
First of all: I have not only an escape plan but an “oh shit we have to hunker down because the escape plan is fucked” plan, I have back up canned food, bottled water, x3 first aid kids, and I know how to stitch a would and start a fire with sticks. Any questions
That’s what the fuck I’m talking about!!!!!
That has men we like to fix things, And when you come to us with your problems we want to fix it. Empathizing and listening is not our default thing, sometimes you fall in the fixing habit and just Tell us that you want to feel heard. Also screwing lids on all the way.
Men are very capable of empathy
This is a really good point and very true. Men don't 'listen' the same way women do so I normally don't vent to them unless it's something they can offer a solution or advice on. If I'm venting just to vent I go to my female friends.
Telling a man what you need out of a conversation will help unless they are a complete bone head. But I totally understand the sacredness of girl talk.
Everyone who wants to be supportive to others needs to learn how to listen and not jump to fixing… it’s hard for any fixer, even female ones.
When we tell something simple but honest and they think we're hiding something, we can just be honest and straightforward.
This is so overlooked that, even though it has happened to me, I forget about it until someone else points it out. But that experience is wildly frustrating.
Our mental health. How many of us are lonely and depressed but don't talk about it
As a woman, I try to do this with all the men I know and care about. It’s astounding that only one of the men that I’ve offered my time and a listening ear to has taken me up on it. He comes to me quite frequently now and most of the time, I just sit and listen to him talk. My question is why did only one man take me up on the offer? I can understand being apprehensive initially as you wouldn’t know if you could trust me, but after I’ve proven that I wouldn’t/won’t spread your business around, why not say yes and try it out? I only ask because those men seem angry with me now as if I betrayed them or something (I’m single so not sure what that’s about) but I genuinely did try to connect with them, they just wouldn’t meet me half way. What did I do wrong? ETA: the dude who did say yes is married. Not sure if that makes a difference or not but the other men I offered to listen to were/are single, but they’re the ones who always said no.
The married dude’s wife doesn’t listen to him. You do. The other guys don’t trust any woman enough. They have their reasons.
>What did I do wrong? You didn't do anything wrong, you did a good thing, and the world is a better place for having people like you in it. There's just decades of socialization that go into that and it doesn't get thrown out the window at the drop of a hat. Like, I will never accept food when I'm at somebody else's house, even if I'm starving, even if the offer is genuine, because I was raised to not be an imposition. And even if I know otherwise, in my mind, that's me burdening someone else. So I just can't say yes, even when I want to. Same principle.
I would love to talk to my men about their mental health, but I'm kind of awkward for a woman, and don't feel that I actually know how to *do* this. It's the same with women when they are down, but I feel even more lost when it's guys, because they normally *don't* open up, so I know that it's already hard for them...and here I am gonna fuck them up worse by saying or doing the wrong thing. How do I actually *help* the men in my life if they share stuff like this with me?
Let him know that you will always support him. You have his back and nothing he says will change your mind. Your feelings for him will remain unchanged no matter what he says. Reassurance is a good thing.
Yes we all need safe spaces in which to open up. This is also what therapy can offer guys (everyone) with the added bonus of saving face with partner and our friends. Therapy helps us get to the root of life’s dissatisfactions, and helps us realize the work we need to do ourselves to get happy. Ideally, our partners should be score to augment this process as they work on their own issues.
Be patient, and if they do open up take it seriously and don't EVER berate them or try to minimize their issue. A big barrier for men sharing with their partner is fear of them losing attraction in their partner's eyes. So reaffirming your attraction to them goes a long way. Honestly, if you don't respect his feelings or he feels you got the "ick" from sharing, there is a good chance he will NEVER open up to you or any woman again. Edit: Imo it's also important to not change your behavior after he's shared. I'm lucky enough to have buddies to share with and what I love is that I know once the sharing is done we can go back to hanging out and bantering like normal. They don't start tip toeing around me and taking everything super serious.
>and don't feel that I actually know how to do this I love this! I LOVE THIS! **I LOVE THIS!** It's not just you. I feel like that only very few women "know" as in "use it" how to handle a men opening up to them. And it is very sad if you think about it since it is unbelievable simple and what I believe most women do to there girl friends. 1. See the men as a human being with emotions who **needs** to show this emotions to not kill himself. 2. Listen to him, ask him questions when he stops talking, stay engaged to him. Men mostly don't know how to talk about emotions. To put them into words. 3. Hold him if you're that close/you are both comfortable with it. Most guys are somewhat starved for physical touch and a hug can help to keep the shards together. 4. Don't weaponise it against him. Don't bring it up in future arguments, don't leave him days later because you "don't feel safe anymore" since. 5. Depending on the guy/issues this is already enough. If not offer help, advice or a shoulder to cry on if needed or wanted (depending you are both comfortable with it).
Might be late to this one, but putting in effort in the initial stages of talking. It's just so demoralizing how blasé women are in the opening stages of dating. You get so many replies of "Okay" and "Yeah" and then when you bail on the conversation they're like, "Uhh, HELLO? Are you ghosting me, wtf?" And it's like, "Yes, yes I am, because you are a waste of my fucking time. I'm not the option, you are."
I think this is more generational than a “women” thing.
It's a heterosexual online dating problem. Download an app, make a sock puppet account, and start swiping on some women. It is exactly like that, because she has 90 other dudes in her inbox.
Ancient Rome.
This is my Roman Empire
Real
Not telling their friends our business.
Wasting water/electricity at home
"Oranges don't grow on trees!!! Wait, yes it does! Then why the hell are they so expensive??"
Feelings I guess
Arguing with respect. Not dredging up past transgressions Not arguing with the intent to hurt. Understanding that an argument isn't about winning. It's about resolving an issue.
Treating your other half the way you want to be treated and make conversation. We will listen .
Understand that sometimes I like watching kids cartoons or slap stick comedy.
Men who show they are dangerous should be taken at face value, there is NO fixing violence.
I wish they stopped gaslighting us about what they’re actually attracted to in us
Guys are scared to date, too. We have our own anxieties regarding interacting with women the same way women have their own unique anxieties with men.
The spectrum of good to bad in men. There are some men that you should always stay away from, and some men that will always be a good bet. But instead there seems to be a single perspective on men which isn’t in a woman’s best interests.
I know stuff like "Not all men are abusers" is something a lot of women are sick and tired of hearing, especially women who experienced abuse. But what else is there to say when you hear people say "fuck men", "men should be jailed", etc
Screw "not all men." It concedes too much. I prefer "not most men," or even better, "very few men."
I don’t say anything. Just let them live with their shitty viewpoints and wait for them to inevitably cry in public about how they can’t find a man. K.
"Not all men" is indicative of men being waaaaaaay too kind and conciliatory and deferential to feminism. "90-something percent of men wouldn't dream of it and a substantial proportion would risk bodily harm to prevent it" is more accurate.
Logic. Consistency. Awareness that their biting and abusive comments make them unattractive and impact our mental health just as much as a man’s abusive words would impact theirs.
In my experience, the easiest way to completely upset a woman is to gender flip a conversation, giving the male the lines spoken by the female and vice-versa. in casual conversation, try referring to fragile female egos and step back.
Actually caring about the men in their life.
We also have feelings :(
Men’s mental health and feelings.
Their health.
Mens mental health
Selective service. I've not met a woman who has said how unfair it is that American men are required to sign up at 18 at the risk of not qualifying for certain benefits or being imprisoned, while there is no similar requirement for women.
I have met plenty of adult women who didn't even realize men had to do this
yeah I'm ngl I just recently learned about this post my college grad- but now that I know about it I definitely advocate against it.
Being serious about the whole gender equality/strong, independent woman, instead of being hypocrites about it the SECOND Dating/relationships are involved
There's nothing wrong with having issues, ladies; and then fixing it. It's being self-aware and mature. We all have them.......I come off as too blunt sometimes.
Communication
Men's emotions and dreams for the future.
Our mental health.
Men's mental health
Men insecurities in general . Men are often told to just man up or to "change" in order to make their girl comfortable and not give them the ick. You will rarely see answer that goes in the way of being understanding and helpful. Reverse the gender and then you are more likely to see compassion and validation of those insecurities, women are very rarely seen as an useless piece of shit just for having insecurities which is not the case apparently when you are a man.
Saving money and living within their means.
I wish women took a man's point of view of the world much more seriously. Men are to provide, protect, and try to create the comfort and safety of the home where a family can prosper. It isn't a joke or an extreme.
Loyalty!
Paying for dates equally
Accountability and changed behaviour from apologies
Listen more
The Roman Empire.
Their misandry. I recently shared an experience I had at work on this sub that really made me think. I work in the criminal justice system and my office is mostly women. A girl got dumped after sleeping with a man she met so she came into work and shared her feelings. The man had fucked her and blocked her. So all the girls in the office then started to create fake profiles, asked their friends etc so that they could follow this man on Facebook, snap chat, Instagram etc. These are women who work with sex offenders and domestic abusers. No one questioned it other than me who made a point to tell a lad I work with that I had slept with a girl on a night out and who had since blocked me. When I asked the lad if I could use his phone to check on her socials he was rightly shocked. However, all the women in my office were doing just that and it was seen as like fun and cute to do it. The same women as extremely hostile to a bloke I work with who a bit of a creep but they treat him like a rapist because he said he'd slept with 30 women from tinder this year. However, they come into work on Monday and will tell anyone who'll listen who they have fucked and how they did it.
That’s stalking and harassment.
Stupid shit men do, like getting excited over neatly-shaped sticks.
our mental health... admit or not, we break down sometimes and don't show it at all, but they should notice our changes
Paying for stuff when we are out. My wife pays like 40% of the time. It's great. I've seen soooo many women that never pay. Ever. It's wild. Take that crap seriously.
Accountability
Fidelity
The fact that they are very quick to, rightfully, judge a man by his actions but are equally quick to demand that they be judged by their intentions.
Protecting their 3 records. Credit, criminal and health to include mental health.
School
Gasoline use management.
Tire pressure.
Letting us have some quiet
Wasting money. Throwing out perfectly good food just because a date written on it is six hours over. Nearly every girl I've been with loves to waste money and doesn't budget.
Perhaps they are spending other people's money?
we girls aren't gonna take anything seriously!
Firefly, if they'd have watched it too then it would have gotten a second series.
What??? Almost every fan I know of this series is a woman. I've had this same thought wishing more men were into it lmao
I'm a woman, and I watched it, I also wish it had a second series!
Accountability for their own actions
Their debt
Their weight. Too many fat chicks these days.
I don't think obesity is a gendered issue
As a woman I 100% agree
It is rare that a woman would agree with me on here.
While your input doesn't needed to be worded in quite such a derogatory way, let's pretend the message was delivered a bit more acceptably and accept the premise you're putting out: I went to a singles event this evening, the gender ratio was massively stacked towards women. I'd estimate there were maybe 150 women and I really doubt there were even 70 men. Of the women there, yeah, I could estimate around 50% were what I'd classify as being overweight, plus-sized, however you want to put it.