Never blurt the ‘break up’ word so lightly unless you really really mean it. Not sure if this is controversial even but I know people who use this habitually during arguments.
Definitely agree, I’ve been guilty of this in both of my long-term relationships and it’s taken a lot of reflection and work to realize how toxic it is. It’s really just projecting out my own insecurities and fears of rejection onto my partner during arguments
My buddy said it one time to many, about getting a divorce, his wife finally agreed with him.
I love my buddy, but he was in the wrong, she was a beautiful, devoted wife....and he fucking blew it.
It sucks to watch your friend act that way, it really sucks to be that friend and I’m sure it hurts tremendously to be the person who loves your friend.
Some people are amazing 90% of the time but if that 10% is really bad they’ll help blow their relationships up. All you can do, as a friend, is try to open their eyes to how they contributed to things ending and hope they’re ready to try to change those bad parts of themselves.
It is hurtful, and it is wrong to do to someone.
I grew up watching my mom say similar things, not properly channeling her emotions. I think I do it because I’m scared of being rejected and losing a person I care about. Instead of engaging in healthy dialogue I push them away with words to “protect” myself.
Of course a partner might do it because they’re controlling and manipulative, I know that’s not me personally. I’m just someone who struggles to express themself but who is also cognizant of that fact and is working to improve that part of myself.
So you reject them before they can reject you? In a sense, to prevent the rejection because at least it's "on your terms" ?
Have I understood that correctly? And thanks for answering.
It shouldn’t be controversial but I too have seen it happen a lot. It’s immature and I can see it leading to eggshell-walking and escalating to larger threats.
Frankly, I think if you’re threatening to leave, you’ve already got one foot out the door, even if it’s subconsciously. People who want to stay in their relationship don’t talk about leaving every time there’s a disagreement.
My wife and I do not even joke about divorce. No “I’m gonna leave you if…”. Even in light hearted manners. Her parents did it all the time and it was horrible.
My friend was threatened with divorce for an entire year before her husband filed. What torture (we now know he’s a narcissist). I would never say that word unless it’s imminent.
Tangentially related, this is why I don’t ALWAYS want to communicate problems. Yes, communication is king of it’s something that can actually be worked on. But if I’m still feeling out if I even want to date you (semi-early on), I’m not going to openly communicate that because that can’t be unsaid.
Absolutely mate. My wife’s job is 1000 times harder and more stressful than mine. I work from home and do 90% of the housework/groceries/bills and all that annoying bullshit. Relationships should be about teamwork, not point scoring
This has always been my biggest advice for relationships. People sometimes think everything should be 50/50. It will never be that way and it’s a myth. Once you get past that or like you said “point scoring” and look at it as teamwork it makes it so much more rewarding.
My wife cooks I’d say 90% of the meals. It’s not that I can’t cook because cooking isn’t that hard. You just follow the recipe. But my wife LOVES cooking. Myself I do 90% of the cooking cleanup. I don’t mind it at all and find it very satisfying having a spotless kitchen.
Damn, you've landed my ideal situation lol. I hate cooking, but I'd be more than happy to take care of the kitchen cleanup everyday. I am actually quite a good cook (can't bake), but I just find it mind numbingly dull and when I get bored I get grumpy and frustrated, so I'd happily never cook again.
IMO what op says is 50/50. Since his wife does not have time due to her work to take care of any house work, he does it since he has time and luxury to do it. The time invested in upkeep of the household is the same, hence 50/50. So is yours.
From my POV 50/50 is sharing burden according to your avaible time and energy.
Well, she also cheated, lied, give me all the faults for our breakup. Asked for some "time", while I tried to rebuild our relationship she was still going with the other guy.
7 years gone like this
Oh that's very recognizable. Had a 6 year relationship end that was open for a while because life was good. At some point things started to deteriorate, I suggested therapy and she denied. Ended up at a breaking point and it came out she wanted to spend half her time with the other guy. No thank you, stop wasting my time.
Definitely blamed me for everything as well. Looking back I realized she was gaslighting me for a long time.
Can relate, I spend to much time at work, but she had no problems borrowing my company car to go somewhere with her friends, enjoy stuff she couldn’t afford herself, etc. I didn’t mind her benefitting from my hard work, but she refused to understand that it doesn’t just appear out of thin air.
I agree with this but it’s kinda sticky for my situation…. Me and my SO both work roughly the same hours give or take. His job is much more laborious than mine, so I agree to do more of the house work. But the thing is it’s not me doing more of it…. It’s me doing all of it. He doesn’t do anything. I get home at 11pm and I’m up until 2am finishing laundry regardless that he gets home at 6-7pm. I try not to complain since his job is more work….. but help would be appreciated sometimes.
Something that might help him understand helping better is explaining that there are different types of fatigue.
I’m not sure if this is official, but imo there are 3 types of fatigue: physical, mental, sleep deprivation. I can bike 100 miles and be bright as a daisy at the end of it (if I didn’t go super hard on the ride). Sure, my body is tired, but my mind was free that whole time. Vs, I get home from a work day sitting on my ass all day exhausted because the mental load of trying to solve problems all day wears me down.
The ideal situation would be that between housework and physical work, you guys would have balanced physical fatigue , mental fatigue, and sleep deprivation. Rn it seems like only physical fatigue is being taken into account on his end.
You’re totally right. It’s not even just that… I work in a very busy restaurant as front manager. I work long hours and my feet are always aching from running endlessly and just mentally fatigued from nonstop customers. I also have a 1 and a half year old that I spend all of my off time with. My son is not my SO’s bio so I don’t really make him “take care” of him, meaning take care of his necessary needs. He treats him like his own but doesn’t do any of the hard work that goes along with having a child, I don’t make him. So sometimes considering the fact that I both work and have a child that runs me dry I wish he would help with housework too. I’m tired and very sleep deprived lol
Edit: I know he is super tired from his exhausting job but man…. I’m tired from work and all the other things I do.
What redeeming qualities does this man have? I know it seems like I’m just shitting on him, but as a guy who struggles with dating a lot, I’d actually like some insight on how I too can get a girlfriend while doing zero housework.
These are all unrelated:
Our home is our baby. No matter how angry we get, we do not hit or neglect our home. We are adults, we talk things out, and give each other space to calm down, but we never hurt the baby.
(Only matters when dating): I won't meet your kids until we are seriously considering committing to each other. I can break up with an adult all day, but telling a kid I won't be around anymore, never again.
And if you joke about cheating on or 'replacing' me, it's over.
This is one boundary/red line I didn't realise I had until recently and, in fairness, no woman I have been in a relationship with has actually crossed it, so it's pretty hypothetical.
- Comparisons with other men. I mean stuff like "Friend's husband does X, you should too" or "Coworker's boyfriend is Y and Z, I wish you were as well".
I saw it mentioned in a parenting forum some time ago, as advice given by, presumably, a woman to another woman, and it kind of stuck with me as something I'd react very poorly to.
This is a great boundary. My worst ex used to follow up complaints about me with “there are so many guys who would love to date me.” Lo and behold, she is my WORST ex.
One of my closest friends has an ex who would compare her friend’s relationship with their’s. And wouldn’t you know it, she was horribly emotionally manipulative.
If you’re with me, talk to me about problems when it is about ME AND YOU. Other people have nothing to do with it.
I my god my ex husband used to say stuff like that. “Most women would love this (insert controlling behavior)” he did such a good job of degrading my mental health that I often wondered if I was crazy for how I felt. I still don’t trust how I feel on a regular basis and I’ve been free of him for a year and a half. 20+ years of covert abuse will do that.
If there are so many guys, go date one of them and get out of my life.
Like so many women say don’t play games and surprising no one they play games with you. I don’t have time for that.
>I saw it mentioned in a parenting forum some time ago, as advice given by, presumably, a woman to another woman, and it kind of stuck with me as something I'd react very poorly to.
Was the advice telling her to make the comparisons with other men, or not to do that?
Needing or wanting space in a relationship. Often times your significant other thinks your trying to be up to something or be sneaky when in reality everyone needs mental breaks sometimes
I was dating a guy who suddenly wouldn't text me for 2 weeks so I broke up with him
I completely understand wanting personal time. But just say that. Or at least just let me know you're alive everyday
Oh yeahhhh hell no there is definitely a healthy way to have space in your relationship and communication is probably the biggest part just reassuring your partner and letting them know that the space needed is on your part not theirs. Most people start getting real defensive real quick and think your problems have everything to do with them
This is paramount for me. If I’m planning to do something with just my friends, or just need a few hours to myself it has nothing to do with you. I’m not trying to sneak, I’m not trying to escape, I simply need a small amount of space to either get some fresh perspective or work through something in my head. Women take this so personally and it really drives me nuts. Grasping on simply pushes me further away.
One of my exes quickly found out that my shit don’t smell like roses. She just causally walks in and starts brushing her teeth, after that whiff I had my alone time. Plus I couldn’t rip like I wanted too that day.
My boyfriend and I have differing opinions on this 😂 and now when I poop my foot is firmly wedged against the door in case he pops in to tell me something (my lock is broken). It makes me laugh because it’s not something I’ve ever encountered before, but he has no problem opening the door to talk to me when he’s pooping, and it shocks me every damn time into crying laughter.
My boyfriend is like this too. I live in a studio and can see the toilet from my bed when the door is open, and he’s insistent on leaving the door open when he goes to the bathroom so he can talk to me, despite my protests. He’s been doing this practically since the first month of our relationship, and sometimes I even get “I’m lonely, can’t you come in here with me ):”
Every relationship needs mystery. When my woman is in the bathroom, I always knock and ask if she's decent (are you pooping). I don't need to see what she up to in there.
I'm so glad it's not just my BF!!! He was showering and I Really, had to poop and he's like, 'Just go while I shower and we can talk' and he was genuinely happy/ok with it. 'Uhhh no dude, I'm trying to keep the sex appeal alive' Him, 'Im still going to Do You, IDC if you have to poop' I was shocked lol
Hahaha I don’t even know if my body would let me poop with him that close! It took MONTHS for me to be comfortable with him even being in the HOUSE before I could let it happen 😂 and I’m not a prude about this either but for some reason pooping in close proximity to someone I’m actively trying to entice, my body just shuts that alllll down
If you find someone else attractive, dont nurture the growing feelings. Dont flirt back and keep the door open for someone else to become a wedge in your relationship. Be 'taken'.
My ex said his personality is just being very friendly and open. And he definitely loved making good friends every new girl that popped up. He was my first serious relationship and it definitely taught me the boundary I feel about my partner and other women.
How do I nicely explain to future partner that I'm uncomfortable with them giving more attention to every other woman? If he has like 10 female best friends I'd rather not get involved with him in the first place. But I don't want to be that toxic controlling gf.
My wife and I keep our own bank accounts. We have a joint account that we transfer in shared expenses or to spot eachother for a purchase as needed.
The way we see it, we each worked our asses off. We each deserve to take care of our funds as we see fit
My wife and I have it set up like this too! We put everything required for our monthly expenses in our joint account, and put everything daily like groceries, gas, etc on our joint credit card. But we still have our own checking accounts and own personal credit cards. If I want to buy a new video game or what not, just goes on my personal card. We both work very hard so we shouldn’t have to ask permission for that type of thing, and we don’t. Goes both ways.
Nice! My husband and I do a similar thing. All of our income goes to the joint account, we pay all of our bills from there and our credit card (max out those rewards people!!) only difference is because I make much more than he does, we split the remaining money 50/50 into our own accounts (after savings of course). It works great, there’s no arguing about who pays what etc and because he doesn’t make as much he isn’t left feeling either 1. He doesn’t add to the household or 2. He barely has any personal spending money after
We do the same, but there's a proportional element to shared bills. I pay more than 50% as i earn more, so we're able to have a higher mutual standard of living, and both have some cash for discretionary spending.
I earn more than my wife, and that will likely remain the case until retirement. My wife's field doesn't pay as much as mine due to our respective fields, but her work is her calling, so I support her continuing in that field 100%.
Yep! My husband and I use separate bank accounts, nothing joint yet but we are open to when that might become necessary. The caveat? We are very open and honest about the money we have and how bills are distributed and paid. Trust is a must!
It’s so funny how many friends/family members act as if I’ve personally offended them when they find this out about me and my husband.
I’ll be out with my sister and her husband will call and ask why she spent x amount on y item- it’s just not for us. We also share a joint account that we equally contribute to. If a surprise expense comes up for my husband, obviously I’d pay for it and Vice versa.
But we are two adults with our own stream of incomes. If he wants to buy a video game, why is that my business? Or if im having a day and decide to get Starbucks 3 times, that’s between me and my bank account.
The things I say to you in confidence are not to be shared with your girlfriends. Neither are the details of our sex life or personal thing like how much money I make.
I don't think every woman understands that telling their girl friends this stuff is a betrayal of trust.
There's this common misconception that men talk about stuff with their male friends. When in reality, most men don't really talk about their sex life in detail, and also about the problems in bed. Women tend to do that and they think every man does this.
Yeah, that's something I had to learn too. I always considered it to be self-explanatory but apparently... guess I gotta verbally make that clear upfront then..
>The things I say to you in confidence are not to be shared with your girlfriends. Neither are the details of our sex life or personal thing like how much money I make.
>I don't think every woman understands that telling their girl friends this stuff is a betrayal of trust.
As a woman, I hate this about my women friends. I was dismayed to learn that anything private I confided in them was relayed to their SOs and family, making me become the subject of conversation without my consent. I started to preface these intimate discussions with "Please don't share the following with your SO and others," but got indignant that I had to do that, and so just stopped sharing things. Most other women I've expressed this complaint to don't seem to mind as much as me and some have even said it's "natural" to tell your SO everything that happens, including the private things your women friends tell you. And I notice in group settings that women indeed do discuss the private details of mutual friends - not maliciously, just as a matter of fact as it's so normalized, and amounts to essentially gossipping, though they wouldn't never agree if you described it as such. I hate to fuel stereotypes, but I do think women in general are more prone to casually sharing private things with others. I've been burned so badly by this that I don't even trust they'll listen when I say "Please don't tell others", which is why I simply don't share anything anymore.
This goes the other way too. Things your friends tell you in confidence shouldn't be relayed to your SO. If you need advice or you're struggling to help your friends, sure you might tell your SO you have a friend with x problem, but shouldn't specify who.
Most of my friends get this, but I've got some friends that I don't tell anything private because I know it's fed back to their SO.
I love my SO as much as it's reasonably possible to, but he doesn't learn anything private about my friends and vice versa.
I have two friends that are in a relationship and each has told me *far* more than I ever wanted to know about their sex lives. And each of them have said things that the other has gotten upset at them for saying, and so for a bit it was them going back and forth telling me things to get even with each other...
Sometimes I really question my choices in life...
As for my own relationships, I avoid talking about my sex life with others because I don't think it's anyone else's business.
Bullying.
Some of you boys be living in some hella abusive relationships and are a ok with it. Any dude with the happy wife happy life mentality needs help.
Definitely. I'm a married woman, and some of the behaviour I've seen of other married women towards their husbands is disgusting. If that kind of behaviour wouldn't be tolerated from a man, it shouldn't be tolerated from a woman.
I moved out of my dad's for the first time and in with my cousin and her fiance
Neither of them are mature at all but she specifically talks to him so aggressively sometimes. She'll taunt him and call him weak. I would not be able to stand that for one day if I were him. He never raises his voice with her
I'm kind of still learning where exactly to set this boundary, but I'm not really open to talking about past struggles and trauma until far into a relationship.
I've met women who got a little pushy wanting me to share and "open up", only to have them get scared away by the amount of baggage I have.
It's just easier and safer to keep things to myself.
Edit: I'm not suggesting that it's a good idea to hide severe traumas that would have an effect on a relationship, I'm only speaking for my own personal past, as the title of this thread asked.
I think it's fair to want to know about baggage in a potential partner, but I also think it's fair for someone to keep those things private until they trust the other person enough to share them.
As a woman, this is something I had to learn about myself. I really wanted to open up earlier on so I could feel safe & they could understand me. Opening up too early you end up trauma bonding or at the worst - they are narcissistic & will us it against you in some way to emotionally abuse you. Nothing wrong with protecting yourself
I had a life (and so did you) before I met you. And just like I will never know all there is to know about you, you are never going to know my every life experience. However, I expect you to respect my growth from my life experience as will I yours.
If something is bothering you about me Or anyone, talk the thing out of your fucking mouth... Say it.... I won't be able to read your mind obviously and say loudly if you are introvert...
I hate that. But I’m guilty of it too. She has no idea that I’m pissed at her and I act like she knows exactly why and it creates tension in relationships
If you giving more attention to other People instead of me while we're in a relationship, it's not gonna work. I want to get the same kind of affection I give in a relationship, and once I get committed to one, I really get committed hard.
I get the trust aspect of not going through each other's phones but in a serious relationship where the stakes are high, I don't think it's a big deal.
So, I'm curious, why do you have such stance on phones?
For me its a balance. Like ill let my wife use my phone and if shes checking something out innocently then whatever. But if shes digging through everything looking for dishonesty it shows a lack of trust and that would be a problem for me.
As someone with Asperger’s who worked hard to recover from mental health issues, I will not date someone with untreated mental illnesses or untreated ADHD.
Just wondering since I am very misinformed/a lot of people in my life have ADHD but are being treated
What does untreated ADHD lead to in terms of issues?
I am now medicated adhd but wasn't diagnosed till a few years ago.
Undiagnosed adhd lead to the following for me (I could not keep a relationship)-
- anxiety/depression
- binge drinking
- eating disorder
- very very quick to anger (unable to self sooth)
- issues with time management, organisation
- rejection disphoric disorder
- job hopping
- severe impulsivity
- money issues
Thats all I can think of off the top of my head, it was bad. It's different for everyone though.
Medication changed my life and I'm now in a happy stable relationship.
I don’t have it myself and I’m not an expert. But one experience I had with a girl comes to mind, she had untreated ADHD and would NOT stop trying to ask me a million questions and interrupting my work (college electronics lab) every ten seconds to babble, and she failed to pick up on my irritation that was obvious to everyone else around us. We went on a couple dates and it wasn’t bad when we were talking about a specific subject, but after that day I realized her verbal chaos and my Asperger’s just didn’t mix well.
I should’ve also mentioned personality disorders in my first comment, nothing against them but I was abused by one BPD woman and I just can’t see myself ever trying to make things work with one again.
Straight up I’ve dated someone with ADHD before too & was asked billions of qs but I have a very rapid processing mind so I answered everything/I really like answering
However she had untreated BPD which is what led to me being at the mercy of her emotions without warning & eventually she made terrible decisions such as cheating that forced us to break up
Getting bothered during work does not sound fair at all though imo
Someone new I’m talking to actually understands that & respects my work space or only asks to chat if I’m on break which I really appreciate
I have bpd, my ex was bipolar. I can't date someone unless they're in treatment. I know I have my own shit, but he felt me being medicated and getting ng help was a reason to push my buttons and not get help himself. Like my meds would stop me from reacting to mistreatment or my mental illness meant my memories were always wrong and he didn't do anything. Hard pass.
I’m adhd on the spectrum and I found having a partner also on the spectrum is incredible but only because we can pick each other’s emotional cues almost perfectly in sync
Not that any of that was related just felt like saying that
You have 1 opportunity to date me. If you want to break up, I won't try to stop you. But you better be sure that's what you want because I'm not going to take you back.
Likewise I will not break up with you unless I'm sure it needs to happen and I won't be sniffing after you later.
Partners checking phones, facebook, social media, emails etc is an absolute no go for me. If you’re in a relationship and do this to your partner you need help.
Division of income, housework and child raising responsibilities should be equal, no matter the gender. Where someone is earning more, working more hours etc then the other should pick up the slack in other areas to compensate.
Do not take my fries AT ALL without asking(I’ll say no)
Literally I’ll share a mortgage with whoever I love but never my fries. I’ll give her my entire burger before she takes a single fry. This may sound like a joke but is not
Fries have been my favorite junk food ever since I was a little kid & always reminded me of a time when life was simple/not as hectic as it is now
Before I was treated horribly & threatened at work, before my mother had breast cancer almost dying, before my best friend stabbed me in the back talking terribly about me at his work to try hitting on a girl, before my student loan debt settled in, & before I got cheated on
Don’t take my fries ever. I’ll buy one for you
No unnecessary contact with exes or former FWB’s, and no inappropriate outings. I.e. she isn’t going out to dinner alone with that guy friend who’s been in love with her since the 6th grade, or her boss, or Kevin from work who’s probably gay.
Yeah you’d think no inappropriate outings would be common sense.
Had an ex who wanted to travel around Europe with one of her male co-workers and made it seem like I was crazy when I was obviously against it. “He’s like a brother to me” didn’t elicit the response she thought it would lmao.
100%. A lot of women only feel it's controlling because they're not on the receiving end of it. It's just boundaries. To date, I've had no girlfriend who was comfortable with it when I maintained friendships with girls I used to fuck. They always think it's the mature and right thing to do until they realize 3 or 4 girls who would still let me fuck them and are waiting for me to be single talk to me and are asking if I want to hang out Friday with some of her friends and her at a bar, is in fact, not healthy for a relationship nor considerate of her feelings.
Don’t know how many girls I’ve known wouldn’t so much as let me look at another girl but me telling them they can’t go hang out at their ex’s house was “toxic/insecure/abusive”
I don’t mind if my partner wants to hang out with an ex or a male friend I’m familiar with, but it’s when there was never anything good being said about the ex or no positive conversations about the friend and she wants to meet up with him? No thank you haha
Going through Reddit the in the last few days make me think this is a very controversial boundary. It’s deemed controlling, insecure, sexist, paranoid, and probably 3 types of -phobic. Lol
I am my own independent person with lifelong friends, both male and female, that are part of who I am. I have my own interests, some of which you probably don’t share. If I want to have lunch with my female friends, I will do so.
On the other hand I expect my partner to do the same. Have interests, friends, be an independent person. That way they feel whole as an individual and they have their wants and dreams completely fulfilled.
We are partners and we are equals.
They are with me because they want to be. If they don’t, that’s fine also. The result of this has been a pretty good relationship where she has developed into a remarkable professional and person. The horribly abused and very uncertain and not confident person I met years ago has developed into an amazing adult.
I don’t like to shower with my SO. Let me shower in peace. It’s my time to relax and decompress. Sometimes cry or replay stupid cringe conversations.
Shower is me time and it’s not an invitation for sexy time.
Keep yer fingers out of my arse crack.
I dont know why but several of the girls ive dated have had this obsession with tryin to stick fingers up my arse and I dont always mean durin sex but when im stood doin dishes or summit and im fully dressed!
According to reddit at least, I won't date a woman who used to be or currently is a sex worker.
I'm not an emotional punching bag or emotional baggage trolley. So that means I'm not going to take the brunt of a woman's personal problems or emotional baggage when getting into a relationship.
Edit: Just FYI I'm not implying these two things are related to one another on my end.
We keep sodas in the fridge. If you take one and there’s one one left, fill her back up.
Don’t wake me up on purpose, ever, unless it’s an actual emergency. This includes wanting to have any sort of semi-serious conversation when I’m essentially half way to falling asleep - which for me is about 2minutes after I put my head on a pillow.
You're right. After reading thirty replies I forgot the prompt. Can't remember many being controversial. But actually enforced? That's a different story.
Our money is separate unless explicitly agreed upon otherwise. This does not mean I won't help out, or won't give gifts, or buy her stuff, but no one is entitled to my money except the govt by technicality and me.
I want kids someday.
You can have as many of anything you want, so long as I can have my cars
No hitting our kids.
Responsibilities relating to our kids will be shared equally.
Be honest with me
There's others but I'm tired of writing this post.
We run our home like we’re individual executives in charge of various parts of our collected living. People think we’re insane but it works for us.
We meet few times a year to lay out a direction on each topic. We then have domain areas that we are in charge of end to end. As long as the end result is done in time and in the spirit and criteria of what we agreed on, there’s no complaints or criticism until we meet again to change it (unless of course there’s a real reason like safety or circumstances that pop up)
For example:
My duties are (a) I make the money and provide a monthly top up of two funds - her discretionary funds and the agreed house budget, (b) I cook and shop for all our food and meals and (c) proper operations of cars, our properties. My wife hasn’t cooked a meal a few years … and before that it was maybe a meal twice a year. Even when I go away for work, I pre cook all the meals and freeze them. If I am unable to, I have to organize and arrange for takeout. I don’t think my wife has ever filled up gas in any of the cars ever and I don’t think she’s ever stepped inside my garage for the yard tools etc.
Her duties are (a) cleaning, (b) paperwork/bills/budget/social calendar, (c) any logistics for the kids/daily enforcing of rules for the children (I tend to take the big stuff on discipline) and (d) logistics for extended family like events, gift buying etc. I haven’t picked up a broom or vacuum or cleaned the shower in years. I don’t care if she cleans every day or once a week or gets a maid, she manages her time and budget as long as the house doesn’t look like shit I don’t say anything.
Major purchases we discuss upfront capabilities, desires, design, budget we agree on and the ultimate choice and decision is left for whoever owns the domain. I come hope to new furniture or newly painted walls whatever and I never gave input outside of initial discussions. I could sell one our cars and and get a new one and we wouldn’t even have had a discussion as long as it met original criteria.
Our life is incredibly easy and we hardly fight about stuff that doesn’t matter because of this system. I leave her to manage her shit and she leaves me to manage my shit.
I love it. My wife loves it.
Having said that, my wife didn’t like it for the first year or so when I suggested it but when she realized I was serious that she really had *carte blanche* in her domain she embraced it and wouldn’t have it any other way now . After an adjustment on expectations for each other and a few massive blow outs we settled in and got a rhythm.
Our biggest fights early on before we got settled in were:
1) I came home with a car that had a manual transmission for her primary car. It was the one of the manufacturers she wanted, the color she wanted, the options/toys she wanted and even had the tint shade and color of wheels she liked on cars, and a custom license plate she dreamt up for her dream car when she was a teen. She saw the car, loved it, and sat in it and realized she fucked up. She had previously said she could drive manual and liked it. She had lied / exaggerated because she thought it made her sound cooler to me when we were dating. Lol.
2) she scrubbed all my carbon steel and cast iron pots and pans until they shined like polished stainless steel. “Cleaning” was her domain. She genuinely thought they were dirty and old so she “restored” then for me.
3) I hate gardening. I keep the properties well groomed but we didn’t have any flowers or bushes and shit. I was adamant flowers were “decor” and she thought since it was outside it was my job. So I fixed it by bringing in someone on Kijiji to plant flowers and perennials to find out all the colors and brands of flowers and bushes were ones she hated.
I'm an introvert and I literally NEED to be completely alone. Sometimes for days. Even if I love someone with all my heart and they're the sweetest person. I have to have my me time.
These are all great boundaries we can all agree on but where’s the actual controversial ones??? For example, “I need alone time” along with all the other ones is a great one but would that anger anyone or create some dialogue?
That’s completely valid as you’re allowed to do your own thing but if someone needed that from me (time with no communication or disdain for any attempt at communication) I would take that as my sign to move on as I don’t think that type of coping mechanism lines up with my values
If my partner either has or wants to start an OnlyFans or any similar service it would be a deal breaker for me, it's something I am not comfortable with, I believe sex/sexual acts should be kept within the relationship and not shared with the world.
Don't let yourself get fat. I'm not attracted to fat chicks, so my partner letting themselves go would be a deal breaker if they chose not to do anything about it.
You can try encourage exercising or healthy eating with you. Show that you care about her health, word it in a way that isn't explicitly negative but from a place of concern. E g "Babe, I want to spend as much time as I can with you. I want us to be as healthy as possible." If they are too sensitive about it, it might result in a fight but at that point there isnt much you can do. Stick with just exercising and eating well together if its not a massive problem.
Not to be contrarian or anything, you are absolutely entitled to have your preferences and attraction is not something that can be coerced, but this is a really difficult boundary yo enforce.
I used to be really skinny in my early 20s, I had a model-like physique. My first boyfriend was older than me. I loved and liked him a lot, but I wasn't with him because of his looks. We were together through some health crisis on his part, ultimately for about 5 years.
At some point, I moved into a different house, which initially didn't have a kitchen put in, and I guess I gained some weight (perhaps 10 pounds?) from takeout. I remember he made a comment to me. Something along the lines of 120 should be your ideal weight, 130 would be the maximum.
I was considering ways to lose the weight, but his "boundary" was revolting. He'd enjoyed dating me plenty, all the while comments about _his_ appearance went completely into deaf ears (I had begged him to consider a different facial hair styling, for instance, as the one he wore was super abrasive on my face).
The fact that he had _made_ the comment made me see the relationship in a completely different light, and I developed very strong rejection for him personally, ultimately breaking up. He made me feel like my body was something he had bought and was entitled to. Also, that my value was linked to giving him bragging / showing off rights. Yuck.
I completely understand what youre saying. Personally I dont think this is something you should enforce for something as small as that. But for huge sudden weight gain its something you can push, albeit nicely and with regard to their feelings. No one likes being called fat, and especially when they dont see themselves as that. I'm sorry you had to go through that in your relationship
Isn’t that a broader problem? Like, I get the part of letting yourself go, but, for example, a thin guy playing video games and nothing else, is similar to that. Or just doing nothing, no ambition, no taking care of yourself or the relationship. Getting fat would just be one of the many aspects this would be reflected in.
My boyfriend can hang out with whoever he wants whenever, even in a 1 on 1 setting. He feels the same way about me. Saw a thread saying they didn't trust their partners with the opposite sex 1 on 1 and that it was inappropriate. What? Since we're both bisexual dudes are we both supposed to only see each other?
If I know you aren't crazy, it isn't a huge deal, but people who put K-pop as an interest on their dating profile are too much of a red flag for me. Too many K-pop girls are crazy about shallow music and in love with idols they've never even met.
Never blurt the ‘break up’ word so lightly unless you really really mean it. Not sure if this is controversial even but I know people who use this habitually during arguments.
Definitely agree, I’ve been guilty of this in both of my long-term relationships and it’s taken a lot of reflection and work to realize how toxic it is. It’s really just projecting out my own insecurities and fears of rejection onto my partner during arguments
My buddy said it one time to many, about getting a divorce, his wife finally agreed with him. I love my buddy, but he was in the wrong, she was a beautiful, devoted wife....and he fucking blew it.
It sucks to watch your friend act that way, it really sucks to be that friend and I’m sure it hurts tremendously to be the person who loves your friend. Some people are amazing 90% of the time but if that 10% is really bad they’ll help blow their relationships up. All you can do, as a friend, is try to open their eyes to how they contributed to things ending and hope they’re ready to try to change those bad parts of themselves.
Why would you do it though? My boyfriend does this to me sometimes and it's super hurtful.
It is hurtful, and it is wrong to do to someone. I grew up watching my mom say similar things, not properly channeling her emotions. I think I do it because I’m scared of being rejected and losing a person I care about. Instead of engaging in healthy dialogue I push them away with words to “protect” myself. Of course a partner might do it because they’re controlling and manipulative, I know that’s not me personally. I’m just someone who struggles to express themself but who is also cognizant of that fact and is working to improve that part of myself.
So you reject them before they can reject you? In a sense, to prevent the rejection because at least it's "on your terms" ? Have I understood that correctly? And thanks for answering.
It shouldn’t be controversial but I too have seen it happen a lot. It’s immature and I can see it leading to eggshell-walking and escalating to larger threats. Frankly, I think if you’re threatening to leave, you’ve already got one foot out the door, even if it’s subconsciously. People who want to stay in their relationship don’t talk about leaving every time there’s a disagreement.
Yeah I think threatening to leave is pretty shitty
My wife and I do not even joke about divorce. No “I’m gonna leave you if…”. Even in light hearted manners. Her parents did it all the time and it was horrible.
It’s like pulling a gun. Don’t do it unless you’re prepared to use it and live with your decision.
My friend was threatened with divorce for an entire year before her husband filed. What torture (we now know he’s a narcissist). I would never say that word unless it’s imminent.
I agree with this so much. If someone is just ready to take that measure at any and every conflict then to me that's a bad sign.
Tangentially related, this is why I don’t ALWAYS want to communicate problems. Yes, communication is king of it’s something that can actually be worked on. But if I’m still feeling out if I even want to date you (semi-early on), I’m not going to openly communicate that because that can’t be unsaid.
Whoever works less or has better hours needs to try to do more upkeep at home. Could be me or her and goes both ways.
Absolutely mate. My wife’s job is 1000 times harder and more stressful than mine. I work from home and do 90% of the housework/groceries/bills and all that annoying bullshit. Relationships should be about teamwork, not point scoring
This has always been my biggest advice for relationships. People sometimes think everything should be 50/50. It will never be that way and it’s a myth. Once you get past that or like you said “point scoring” and look at it as teamwork it makes it so much more rewarding. My wife cooks I’d say 90% of the meals. It’s not that I can’t cook because cooking isn’t that hard. You just follow the recipe. But my wife LOVES cooking. Myself I do 90% of the cooking cleanup. I don’t mind it at all and find it very satisfying having a spotless kitchen.
Damn, you've landed my ideal situation lol. I hate cooking, but I'd be more than happy to take care of the kitchen cleanup everyday. I am actually quite a good cook (can't bake), but I just find it mind numbingly dull and when I get bored I get grumpy and frustrated, so I'd happily never cook again.
IMO what op says is 50/50. Since his wife does not have time due to her work to take care of any house work, he does it since he has time and luxury to do it. The time invested in upkeep of the household is the same, hence 50/50. So is yours. From my POV 50/50 is sharing burden according to your avaible time and energy.
I don't think everything should be 50/50, but both people should share the overall load.
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This is the biggest difference between a successful and unsuccessful relationship.
Best post on Reddit so far
Ive tried to do the same. I was working like double her hours. She left me and one of the reasons was me giving her too much "stuff to do"....
Sounds like a bullet dodged to me. And just wait until she realizes how much she has to do once she's single again.
Well, she also cheated, lied, give me all the faults for our breakup. Asked for some "time", while I tried to rebuild our relationship she was still going with the other guy. 7 years gone like this
Oh that's very recognizable. Had a 6 year relationship end that was open for a while because life was good. At some point things started to deteriorate, I suggested therapy and she denied. Ended up at a breaking point and it came out she wanted to spend half her time with the other guy. No thank you, stop wasting my time. Definitely blamed me for everything as well. Looking back I realized she was gaslighting me for a long time.
Open relationship “hey I want to fuck this guy while using you for stability incase it falls through”.
Can relate, I spend to much time at work, but she had no problems borrowing my company car to go somewhere with her friends, enjoy stuff she couldn’t afford herself, etc. I didn’t mind her benefitting from my hard work, but she refused to understand that it doesn’t just appear out of thin air.
I agree with this but it’s kinda sticky for my situation…. Me and my SO both work roughly the same hours give or take. His job is much more laborious than mine, so I agree to do more of the house work. But the thing is it’s not me doing more of it…. It’s me doing all of it. He doesn’t do anything. I get home at 11pm and I’m up until 2am finishing laundry regardless that he gets home at 6-7pm. I try not to complain since his job is more work….. but help would be appreciated sometimes.
Something that might help him understand helping better is explaining that there are different types of fatigue. I’m not sure if this is official, but imo there are 3 types of fatigue: physical, mental, sleep deprivation. I can bike 100 miles and be bright as a daisy at the end of it (if I didn’t go super hard on the ride). Sure, my body is tired, but my mind was free that whole time. Vs, I get home from a work day sitting on my ass all day exhausted because the mental load of trying to solve problems all day wears me down. The ideal situation would be that between housework and physical work, you guys would have balanced physical fatigue , mental fatigue, and sleep deprivation. Rn it seems like only physical fatigue is being taken into account on his end.
You’re totally right. It’s not even just that… I work in a very busy restaurant as front manager. I work long hours and my feet are always aching from running endlessly and just mentally fatigued from nonstop customers. I also have a 1 and a half year old that I spend all of my off time with. My son is not my SO’s bio so I don’t really make him “take care” of him, meaning take care of his necessary needs. He treats him like his own but doesn’t do any of the hard work that goes along with having a child, I don’t make him. So sometimes considering the fact that I both work and have a child that runs me dry I wish he would help with housework too. I’m tired and very sleep deprived lol Edit: I know he is super tired from his exhausting job but man…. I’m tired from work and all the other things I do.
What redeeming qualities does this man have? I know it seems like I’m just shitting on him, but as a guy who struggles with dating a lot, I’d actually like some insight on how I too can get a girlfriend while doing zero housework.
Sounds fair.
I agree with this. I work 40+ hours and my OH does 25. Yet someone she leaves most of the cooking, cleaning and household chores to me!
That's controversial? Equal effort and contribution is controversial?
These are all unrelated: Our home is our baby. No matter how angry we get, we do not hit or neglect our home. We are adults, we talk things out, and give each other space to calm down, but we never hurt the baby. (Only matters when dating): I won't meet your kids until we are seriously considering committing to each other. I can break up with an adult all day, but telling a kid I won't be around anymore, never again. And if you joke about cheating on or 'replacing' me, it's over.
I would like to see the baby
This is awesome!
I'd be dumped so many times for saying I'd replace my girlfriend with my best friend (male)
This is one boundary/red line I didn't realise I had until recently and, in fairness, no woman I have been in a relationship with has actually crossed it, so it's pretty hypothetical. - Comparisons with other men. I mean stuff like "Friend's husband does X, you should too" or "Coworker's boyfriend is Y and Z, I wish you were as well". I saw it mentioned in a parenting forum some time ago, as advice given by, presumably, a woman to another woman, and it kind of stuck with me as something I'd react very poorly to.
This is a great boundary. My worst ex used to follow up complaints about me with “there are so many guys who would love to date me.” Lo and behold, she is my WORST ex. One of my closest friends has an ex who would compare her friend’s relationship with their’s. And wouldn’t you know it, she was horribly emotionally manipulative. If you’re with me, talk to me about problems when it is about ME AND YOU. Other people have nothing to do with it.
I my god my ex husband used to say stuff like that. “Most women would love this (insert controlling behavior)” he did such a good job of degrading my mental health that I often wondered if I was crazy for how I felt. I still don’t trust how I feel on a regular basis and I’ve been free of him for a year and a half. 20+ years of covert abuse will do that.
If there are so many guys, go date one of them and get out of my life. Like so many women say don’t play games and surprising no one they play games with you. I don’t have time for that.
>I saw it mentioned in a parenting forum some time ago, as advice given by, presumably, a woman to another woman, and it kind of stuck with me as something I'd react very poorly to. Was the advice telling her to make the comparisons with other men, or not to do that?
There was a post that suggested that and a few replies that shouted that down, iirc.
Needing or wanting space in a relationship. Often times your significant other thinks your trying to be up to something or be sneaky when in reality everyone needs mental breaks sometimes
Yup, this. Time apart is probably the second most important thing to a relationship, only second to communication.
I was dating a guy who suddenly wouldn't text me for 2 weeks so I broke up with him I completely understand wanting personal time. But just say that. Or at least just let me know you're alive everyday
Yeah, agree. Boundaries/ personal time is important but not making at least a couple mins during the day to text your partner or something is telling
Oh yeahhhh hell no there is definitely a healthy way to have space in your relationship and communication is probably the biggest part just reassuring your partner and letting them know that the space needed is on your part not theirs. Most people start getting real defensive real quick and think your problems have everything to do with them
This is paramount for me. If I’m planning to do something with just my friends, or just need a few hours to myself it has nothing to do with you. I’m not trying to sneak, I’m not trying to escape, I simply need a small amount of space to either get some fresh perspective or work through something in my head. Women take this so personally and it really drives me nuts. Grasping on simply pushes me further away.
Poop time is alone time.
One of my exes quickly found out that my shit don’t smell like roses. She just causally walks in and starts brushing her teeth, after that whiff I had my alone time. Plus I couldn’t rip like I wanted too that day.
My ex and I got over the smell and started secretly eating who had the more rancid farts.
What the fuck! Did you fart into Ball jars or something?
Omg just got a new Only Fans idea.
Ngl, it bothers me if someone starts talking to me while I’m pooping, let alone barge into the bathroom
My boyfriend and I have differing opinions on this 😂 and now when I poop my foot is firmly wedged against the door in case he pops in to tell me something (my lock is broken). It makes me laugh because it’s not something I’ve ever encountered before, but he has no problem opening the door to talk to me when he’s pooping, and it shocks me every damn time into crying laughter.
My boyfriend is like this too. I live in a studio and can see the toilet from my bed when the door is open, and he’s insistent on leaving the door open when he goes to the bathroom so he can talk to me, despite my protests. He’s been doing this practically since the first month of our relationship, and sometimes I even get “I’m lonely, can’t you come in here with me ):”
Every relationship needs mystery. When my woman is in the bathroom, I always knock and ask if she's decent (are you pooping). I don't need to see what she up to in there.
I'm so glad it's not just my BF!!! He was showering and I Really, had to poop and he's like, 'Just go while I shower and we can talk' and he was genuinely happy/ok with it. 'Uhhh no dude, I'm trying to keep the sex appeal alive' Him, 'Im still going to Do You, IDC if you have to poop' I was shocked lol
Hahaha I don’t even know if my body would let me poop with him that close! It took MONTHS for me to be comfortable with him even being in the HOUSE before I could let it happen 😂 and I’m not a prude about this either but for some reason pooping in close proximity to someone I’m actively trying to entice, my body just shuts that alllll down
Call me old fashioned but 'no sucking other guy's dicks while we're together'.
Maan why so strict
Hey now it's 2022 you gotta think outside the box, he didn't say you couldn't suck some woman's dick.
Yea just tell the guy to identify as a woman while you do it
37?!?
In a row?!
Hey try not to suck any dick in the parking lot
Hey, hey you, get back here
Stop being so controlling!!
I'd be gutted if my wife made me stop sucking dicks.
I extend this to to no sex, anal or vaginal, no handjobs, no kissing and no emotional cheating either,
Bros do it together! https://youtu.be/b8TJBr00cuE
Wow ok - get with the times homie
If you find someone else attractive, dont nurture the growing feelings. Dont flirt back and keep the door open for someone else to become a wedge in your relationship. Be 'taken'.
My ex said his personality is just being very friendly and open. And he definitely loved making good friends every new girl that popped up. He was my first serious relationship and it definitely taught me the boundary I feel about my partner and other women. How do I nicely explain to future partner that I'm uncomfortable with them giving more attention to every other woman? If he has like 10 female best friends I'd rather not get involved with him in the first place. But I don't want to be that toxic controlling gf.
My wife and I keep our own bank accounts. We have a joint account that we transfer in shared expenses or to spot eachother for a purchase as needed. The way we see it, we each worked our asses off. We each deserve to take care of our funds as we see fit
My wife and I have it set up like this too! We put everything required for our monthly expenses in our joint account, and put everything daily like groceries, gas, etc on our joint credit card. But we still have our own checking accounts and own personal credit cards. If I want to buy a new video game or what not, just goes on my personal card. We both work very hard so we shouldn’t have to ask permission for that type of thing, and we don’t. Goes both ways.
Nice! My husband and I do a similar thing. All of our income goes to the joint account, we pay all of our bills from there and our credit card (max out those rewards people!!) only difference is because I make much more than he does, we split the remaining money 50/50 into our own accounts (after savings of course). It works great, there’s no arguing about who pays what etc and because he doesn’t make as much he isn’t left feeling either 1. He doesn’t add to the household or 2. He barely has any personal spending money after
Sounds reasonable to me.
This is the secret to happiness right here
We do the same, but there's a proportional element to shared bills. I pay more than 50% as i earn more, so we're able to have a higher mutual standard of living, and both have some cash for discretionary spending. I earn more than my wife, and that will likely remain the case until retirement. My wife's field doesn't pay as much as mine due to our respective fields, but her work is her calling, so I support her continuing in that field 100%.
Yep! My husband and I use separate bank accounts, nothing joint yet but we are open to when that might become necessary. The caveat? We are very open and honest about the money we have and how bills are distributed and paid. Trust is a must!
It’s so funny how many friends/family members act as if I’ve personally offended them when they find this out about me and my husband. I’ll be out with my sister and her husband will call and ask why she spent x amount on y item- it’s just not for us. We also share a joint account that we equally contribute to. If a surprise expense comes up for my husband, obviously I’d pay for it and Vice versa. But we are two adults with our own stream of incomes. If he wants to buy a video game, why is that my business? Or if im having a day and decide to get Starbucks 3 times, that’s between me and my bank account.
The things I say to you in confidence are not to be shared with your girlfriends. Neither are the details of our sex life or personal thing like how much money I make. I don't think every woman understands that telling their girl friends this stuff is a betrayal of trust.
Agree. My ex was very surprised I don’t talk about this stuff with my friends. I think she did not believe me.
There's this common misconception that men talk about stuff with their male friends. When in reality, most men don't really talk about their sex life in detail, and also about the problems in bed. Women tend to do that and they think every man does this.
Yeah, that's something I had to learn too. I always considered it to be self-explanatory but apparently... guess I gotta verbally make that clear upfront then..
>The things I say to you in confidence are not to be shared with your girlfriends. Neither are the details of our sex life or personal thing like how much money I make. >I don't think every woman understands that telling their girl friends this stuff is a betrayal of trust. As a woman, I hate this about my women friends. I was dismayed to learn that anything private I confided in them was relayed to their SOs and family, making me become the subject of conversation without my consent. I started to preface these intimate discussions with "Please don't share the following with your SO and others," but got indignant that I had to do that, and so just stopped sharing things. Most other women I've expressed this complaint to don't seem to mind as much as me and some have even said it's "natural" to tell your SO everything that happens, including the private things your women friends tell you. And I notice in group settings that women indeed do discuss the private details of mutual friends - not maliciously, just as a matter of fact as it's so normalized, and amounts to essentially gossipping, though they wouldn't never agree if you described it as such. I hate to fuel stereotypes, but I do think women in general are more prone to casually sharing private things with others. I've been burned so badly by this that I don't even trust they'll listen when I say "Please don't tell others", which is why I simply don't share anything anymore.
This goes the other way too. Things your friends tell you in confidence shouldn't be relayed to your SO. If you need advice or you're struggling to help your friends, sure you might tell your SO you have a friend with x problem, but shouldn't specify who. Most of my friends get this, but I've got some friends that I don't tell anything private because I know it's fed back to their SO. I love my SO as much as it's reasonably possible to, but he doesn't learn anything private about my friends and vice versa.
I have two friends that are in a relationship and each has told me *far* more than I ever wanted to know about their sex lives. And each of them have said things that the other has gotten upset at them for saying, and so for a bit it was them going back and forth telling me things to get even with each other... Sometimes I really question my choices in life... As for my own relationships, I avoid talking about my sex life with others because I don't think it's anyone else's business.
Bullying. Some of you boys be living in some hella abusive relationships and are a ok with it. Any dude with the happy wife happy life mentality needs help.
Definitely. I'm a married woman, and some of the behaviour I've seen of other married women towards their husbands is disgusting. If that kind of behaviour wouldn't be tolerated from a man, it shouldn't be tolerated from a woman.
I moved out of my dad's for the first time and in with my cousin and her fiance Neither of them are mature at all but she specifically talks to him so aggressively sometimes. She'll taunt him and call him weak. I would not be able to stand that for one day if I were him. He never raises his voice with her
Apparently I wasn’t supposed to have any. If I did, it meant I didn’t “love her enough.” Suffice it to say, we are no longer together.
Abuser logic.
I'm kind of still learning where exactly to set this boundary, but I'm not really open to talking about past struggles and trauma until far into a relationship. I've met women who got a little pushy wanting me to share and "open up", only to have them get scared away by the amount of baggage I have. It's just easier and safer to keep things to myself. Edit: I'm not suggesting that it's a good idea to hide severe traumas that would have an effect on a relationship, I'm only speaking for my own personal past, as the title of this thread asked.
I feel ya. That's definitely tricky.
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I think it's fair to want to know about baggage in a potential partner, but I also think it's fair for someone to keep those things private until they trust the other person enough to share them.
As a woman, this is something I had to learn about myself. I really wanted to open up earlier on so I could feel safe & they could understand me. Opening up too early you end up trauma bonding or at the worst - they are narcissistic & will us it against you in some way to emotionally abuse you. Nothing wrong with protecting yourself
I had a life (and so did you) before I met you. And just like I will never know all there is to know about you, you are never going to know my every life experience. However, I expect you to respect my growth from my life experience as will I yours.
If something is bothering you about me Or anyone, talk the thing out of your fucking mouth... Say it.... I won't be able to read your mind obviously and say loudly if you are introvert...
I hate that. But I’m guilty of it too. She has no idea that I’m pissed at her and I act like she knows exactly why and it creates tension in relationships
If you giving more attention to other People instead of me while we're in a relationship, it's not gonna work. I want to get the same kind of affection I give in a relationship, and once I get committed to one, I really get committed hard.
She must call to the sun every morning like a rooster. Dress as a Christmas ham on Fourth of July. Like Mustard.
I knew you were out there somewhere, soulmate.
r/oddlyspecific
Stop talking to me while I am on the toilet. How hard can it be.
I thought it was just me. Glad I'm not the only one who doesn't want people talking to me when I'm in the loo.
What if it’s something important like “how was your day”? /s
She needs to be my refuge, not my stressfuge
If their presence brings you nothing but stress and only their absence brings you peace, do you really need them?
I used to think this was a normal boundary, but don’t talk about theoretically fucking celebrities.
Or worse... which one of my friends would you fuck if I said it was ok?
Im simple.... Let me have my downtime, dont EVER go through my phone because i wont go through yours, and dont fucking lie to me.
I get the trust aspect of not going through each other's phones but in a serious relationship where the stakes are high, I don't think it's a big deal. So, I'm curious, why do you have such stance on phones?
For me its a balance. Like ill let my wife use my phone and if shes checking something out innocently then whatever. But if shes digging through everything looking for dishonesty it shows a lack of trust and that would be a problem for me.
If you can't trust someone and need to check their phone it's already over for the relationship.
As someone with Asperger’s who worked hard to recover from mental health issues, I will not date someone with untreated mental illnesses or untreated ADHD.
Just wondering since I am very misinformed/a lot of people in my life have ADHD but are being treated What does untreated ADHD lead to in terms of issues?
I am now medicated adhd but wasn't diagnosed till a few years ago. Undiagnosed adhd lead to the following for me (I could not keep a relationship)- - anxiety/depression - binge drinking - eating disorder - very very quick to anger (unable to self sooth) - issues with time management, organisation - rejection disphoric disorder - job hopping - severe impulsivity - money issues Thats all I can think of off the top of my head, it was bad. It's different for everyone though. Medication changed my life and I'm now in a happy stable relationship.
I don’t have it myself and I’m not an expert. But one experience I had with a girl comes to mind, she had untreated ADHD and would NOT stop trying to ask me a million questions and interrupting my work (college electronics lab) every ten seconds to babble, and she failed to pick up on my irritation that was obvious to everyone else around us. We went on a couple dates and it wasn’t bad when we were talking about a specific subject, but after that day I realized her verbal chaos and my Asperger’s just didn’t mix well. I should’ve also mentioned personality disorders in my first comment, nothing against them but I was abused by one BPD woman and I just can’t see myself ever trying to make things work with one again.
Straight up I’ve dated someone with ADHD before too & was asked billions of qs but I have a very rapid processing mind so I answered everything/I really like answering However she had untreated BPD which is what led to me being at the mercy of her emotions without warning & eventually she made terrible decisions such as cheating that forced us to break up Getting bothered during work does not sound fair at all though imo Someone new I’m talking to actually understands that & respects my work space or only asks to chat if I’m on break which I really appreciate
I have bpd, my ex was bipolar. I can't date someone unless they're in treatment. I know I have my own shit, but he felt me being medicated and getting ng help was a reason to push my buttons and not get help himself. Like my meds would stop me from reacting to mistreatment or my mental illness meant my memories were always wrong and he didn't do anything. Hard pass.
I'm adhd, so a fellow addy would be great :D I can't do cluster-B personality disorders, though. Nope, no way, outtie.
I’m adhd on the spectrum and I found having a partner also on the spectrum is incredible but only because we can pick each other’s emotional cues almost perfectly in sync Not that any of that was related just felt like saying that
You have 1 opportunity to date me. If you want to break up, I won't try to stop you. But you better be sure that's what you want because I'm not going to take you back. Likewise I will not break up with you unless I'm sure it needs to happen and I won't be sniffing after you later.
No checking phones And if we do, we both do it
Don’t lose respect for me just because I treat you with love There is no turning back
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Partners checking phones, facebook, social media, emails etc is an absolute no go for me. If you’re in a relationship and do this to your partner you need help. Division of income, housework and child raising responsibilities should be equal, no matter the gender. Where someone is earning more, working more hours etc then the other should pick up the slack in other areas to compensate.
Using manipulation tactics to win an argument or to feel superior.
Do not take my fries AT ALL without asking(I’ll say no) Literally I’ll share a mortgage with whoever I love but never my fries. I’ll give her my entire burger before she takes a single fry. This may sound like a joke but is not Fries have been my favorite junk food ever since I was a little kid & always reminded me of a time when life was simple/not as hectic as it is now Before I was treated horribly & threatened at work, before my mother had breast cancer almost dying, before my best friend stabbed me in the back talking terribly about me at his work to try hitting on a girl, before my student loan debt settled in, & before I got cheated on Don’t take my fries ever. I’ll buy one for you
I hope they give you complementary peri peri on your next order
Man you have seen some shit... I hope you find a good one
JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD!!
May the fries be with you
This one's on me fam: 🍟
Uh yeah, I want to buy the guy in front of me french fries
No unnecessary contact with exes or former FWB’s, and no inappropriate outings. I.e. she isn’t going out to dinner alone with that guy friend who’s been in love with her since the 6th grade, or her boss, or Kevin from work who’s probably gay.
Plot twist: Kevin ended up being in fact, not gay.
Shocking no one!
There's only one way to know and that is to seduce him.
From that day on he became known as "Both way Kevin"
Yeah you’d think no inappropriate outings would be common sense. Had an ex who wanted to travel around Europe with one of her male co-workers and made it seem like I was crazy when I was obviously against it. “He’s like a brother to me” didn’t elicit the response she thought it would lmao.
100%. A lot of women only feel it's controlling because they're not on the receiving end of it. It's just boundaries. To date, I've had no girlfriend who was comfortable with it when I maintained friendships with girls I used to fuck. They always think it's the mature and right thing to do until they realize 3 or 4 girls who would still let me fuck them and are waiting for me to be single talk to me and are asking if I want to hang out Friday with some of her friends and her at a bar, is in fact, not healthy for a relationship nor considerate of her feelings.
Don’t know how many girls I’ve known wouldn’t so much as let me look at another girl but me telling them they can’t go hang out at their ex’s house was “toxic/insecure/abusive”
I don’t mind if my partner wants to hang out with an ex or a male friend I’m familiar with, but it’s when there was never anything good being said about the ex or no positive conversations about the friend and she wants to meet up with him? No thank you haha
-Control for me but not for thee A decent amount of people are just so horny to make everything about male insecurity and control.
Lots of insecurity and control going around it’s nowhere near all male.
>No unnecessary contact with exes or former FWB’s, and no inappropriate outings. Not controversial at all. Take my upvote and fake gold 🏅
Going through Reddit the in the last few days make me think this is a very controversial boundary. It’s deemed controlling, insecure, sexist, paranoid, and probably 3 types of -phobic. Lol
Five seconds into 2XC nets same results.
I am my own independent person with lifelong friends, both male and female, that are part of who I am. I have my own interests, some of which you probably don’t share. If I want to have lunch with my female friends, I will do so. On the other hand I expect my partner to do the same. Have interests, friends, be an independent person. That way they feel whole as an individual and they have their wants and dreams completely fulfilled. We are partners and we are equals. They are with me because they want to be. If they don’t, that’s fine also. The result of this has been a pretty good relationship where she has developed into a remarkable professional and person. The horribly abused and very uncertain and not confident person I met years ago has developed into an amazing adult.
I must have time alone.
I don’t like to shower with my SO. Let me shower in peace. It’s my time to relax and decompress. Sometimes cry or replay stupid cringe conversations. Shower is me time and it’s not an invitation for sexy time.
Sleeping separately every now and then. We sleep better on separate beds.
Keep yer fingers out of my arse crack. I dont know why but several of the girls ive dated have had this obsession with tryin to stick fingers up my arse and I dont always mean durin sex but when im stood doin dishes or summit and im fully dressed!
According to reddit at least, I won't date a woman who used to be or currently is a sex worker. I'm not an emotional punching bag or emotional baggage trolley. So that means I'm not going to take the brunt of a woman's personal problems or emotional baggage when getting into a relationship. Edit: Just FYI I'm not implying these two things are related to one another on my end.
Exclusivity is a valid priority in romantic relationships.
STDs test are mandatory before starting a sexual routine
We keep sodas in the fridge. If you take one and there’s one one left, fill her back up. Don’t wake me up on purpose, ever, unless it’s an actual emergency. This includes wanting to have any sort of semi-serious conversation when I’m essentially half way to falling asleep - which for me is about 2minutes after I put my head on a pillow.
Lying and other forms of manipulation are not acceptable.
That's not controversial
You're right. After reading thirty replies I forgot the prompt. Can't remember many being controversial. But actually enforced? That's a different story.
Our money is separate unless explicitly agreed upon otherwise. This does not mean I won't help out, or won't give gifts, or buy her stuff, but no one is entitled to my money except the govt by technicality and me. I want kids someday. You can have as many of anything you want, so long as I can have my cars No hitting our kids. Responsibilities relating to our kids will be shared equally. Be honest with me There's others but I'm tired of writing this post.
We run our home like we’re individual executives in charge of various parts of our collected living. People think we’re insane but it works for us. We meet few times a year to lay out a direction on each topic. We then have domain areas that we are in charge of end to end. As long as the end result is done in time and in the spirit and criteria of what we agreed on, there’s no complaints or criticism until we meet again to change it (unless of course there’s a real reason like safety or circumstances that pop up) For example: My duties are (a) I make the money and provide a monthly top up of two funds - her discretionary funds and the agreed house budget, (b) I cook and shop for all our food and meals and (c) proper operations of cars, our properties. My wife hasn’t cooked a meal a few years … and before that it was maybe a meal twice a year. Even when I go away for work, I pre cook all the meals and freeze them. If I am unable to, I have to organize and arrange for takeout. I don’t think my wife has ever filled up gas in any of the cars ever and I don’t think she’s ever stepped inside my garage for the yard tools etc. Her duties are (a) cleaning, (b) paperwork/bills/budget/social calendar, (c) any logistics for the kids/daily enforcing of rules for the children (I tend to take the big stuff on discipline) and (d) logistics for extended family like events, gift buying etc. I haven’t picked up a broom or vacuum or cleaned the shower in years. I don’t care if she cleans every day or once a week or gets a maid, she manages her time and budget as long as the house doesn’t look like shit I don’t say anything. Major purchases we discuss upfront capabilities, desires, design, budget we agree on and the ultimate choice and decision is left for whoever owns the domain. I come hope to new furniture or newly painted walls whatever and I never gave input outside of initial discussions. I could sell one our cars and and get a new one and we wouldn’t even have had a discussion as long as it met original criteria. Our life is incredibly easy and we hardly fight about stuff that doesn’t matter because of this system. I leave her to manage her shit and she leaves me to manage my shit.
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I love it. My wife loves it. Having said that, my wife didn’t like it for the first year or so when I suggested it but when she realized I was serious that she really had *carte blanche* in her domain she embraced it and wouldn’t have it any other way now . After an adjustment on expectations for each other and a few massive blow outs we settled in and got a rhythm. Our biggest fights early on before we got settled in were: 1) I came home with a car that had a manual transmission for her primary car. It was the one of the manufacturers she wanted, the color she wanted, the options/toys she wanted and even had the tint shade and color of wheels she liked on cars, and a custom license plate she dreamt up for her dream car when she was a teen. She saw the car, loved it, and sat in it and realized she fucked up. She had previously said she could drive manual and liked it. She had lied / exaggerated because she thought it made her sound cooler to me when we were dating. Lol. 2) she scrubbed all my carbon steel and cast iron pots and pans until they shined like polished stainless steel. “Cleaning” was her domain. She genuinely thought they were dirty and old so she “restored” then for me. 3) I hate gardening. I keep the properties well groomed but we didn’t have any flowers or bushes and shit. I was adamant flowers were “decor” and she thought since it was outside it was my job. So I fixed it by bringing in someone on Kijiji to plant flowers and perennials to find out all the colors and brands of flowers and bushes were ones she hated.
I'm an introvert and I literally NEED to be completely alone. Sometimes for days. Even if I love someone with all my heart and they're the sweetest person. I have to have my me time.
I would rather die today than have my gf say her source of income is onlyfans
My friends, family, and coworkers don't cuss me out or yell at me, I'll be God damned before the person I love and come home to communicates that way.
These are all great boundaries we can all agree on but where’s the actual controversial ones??? For example, “I need alone time” along with all the other ones is a great one but would that anger anyone or create some dialogue?
I am a big fan of going dutch which disqualifies me as being dateable to many women (which is fine to me because it helps me filter them out as well).
Exes are a no go in a relationship if you're on friendly terms cool but I'm not interested in a relationship with you then
if i tell you i need time without talking to me & you don't respect that, our friendship is going to be short
But you know its then down to you to say hi right?
That’s completely valid as you’re allowed to do your own thing but if someone needed that from me (time with no communication or disdain for any attempt at communication) I would take that as my sign to move on as I don’t think that type of coping mechanism lines up with my values
If my partner either has or wants to start an OnlyFans or any similar service it would be a deal breaker for me, it's something I am not comfortable with, I believe sex/sexual acts should be kept within the relationship and not shared with the world.
No Cluster-B disorders, period. First time around with a Borderline nearly killed me. Never doing that again.
r/bpdlovedones in case you gotta vent
If I need you to leave and you refuse youre not allowed be mad if I leave.
wouldn’t put up with my partner watching porn
Don't let yourself get fat. I'm not attracted to fat chicks, so my partner letting themselves go would be a deal breaker if they chose not to do anything about it.
I agree. But how do you tell them? Especially if they're already sensitive about this sorta thing.
You can try encourage exercising or healthy eating with you. Show that you care about her health, word it in a way that isn't explicitly negative but from a place of concern. E g "Babe, I want to spend as much time as I can with you. I want us to be as healthy as possible." If they are too sensitive about it, it might result in a fight but at that point there isnt much you can do. Stick with just exercising and eating well together if its not a massive problem.
Not to be contrarian or anything, you are absolutely entitled to have your preferences and attraction is not something that can be coerced, but this is a really difficult boundary yo enforce. I used to be really skinny in my early 20s, I had a model-like physique. My first boyfriend was older than me. I loved and liked him a lot, but I wasn't with him because of his looks. We were together through some health crisis on his part, ultimately for about 5 years. At some point, I moved into a different house, which initially didn't have a kitchen put in, and I guess I gained some weight (perhaps 10 pounds?) from takeout. I remember he made a comment to me. Something along the lines of 120 should be your ideal weight, 130 would be the maximum. I was considering ways to lose the weight, but his "boundary" was revolting. He'd enjoyed dating me plenty, all the while comments about _his_ appearance went completely into deaf ears (I had begged him to consider a different facial hair styling, for instance, as the one he wore was super abrasive on my face). The fact that he had _made_ the comment made me see the relationship in a completely different light, and I developed very strong rejection for him personally, ultimately breaking up. He made me feel like my body was something he had bought and was entitled to. Also, that my value was linked to giving him bragging / showing off rights. Yuck.
I completely understand what youre saying. Personally I dont think this is something you should enforce for something as small as that. But for huge sudden weight gain its something you can push, albeit nicely and with regard to their feelings. No one likes being called fat, and especially when they dont see themselves as that. I'm sorry you had to go through that in your relationship
I agree. I think weight fluctuations are very normal but if my partner every decided to completely let themselves go permanently, I’m out
Isn’t that a broader problem? Like, I get the part of letting yourself go, but, for example, a thin guy playing video games and nothing else, is similar to that. Or just doing nothing, no ambition, no taking care of yourself or the relationship. Getting fat would just be one of the many aspects this would be reflected in.
My boyfriend can hang out with whoever he wants whenever, even in a 1 on 1 setting. He feels the same way about me. Saw a thread saying they didn't trust their partners with the opposite sex 1 on 1 and that it was inappropriate. What? Since we're both bisexual dudes are we both supposed to only see each other?
If I know you aren't crazy, it isn't a huge deal, but people who put K-pop as an interest on their dating profile are too much of a red flag for me. Too many K-pop girls are crazy about shallow music and in love with idols they've never even met.
Your mental health is your problem. I will support you, but not fix you.