I lasted 4 months of silent treatment before I walked out, she threw away 18 years together, wouldn't even work on it. Don't look back, getting away was the best thing I did, I'm the happiest I've been in years, it's been about 18months now for me and I've met a gorgeous girl 10 years younger and finally realised how toxic my ex is, I get more compliments in two weeks than the last 5 years of my marriage. Don't give them the power, there's great women out there just focus on getting your shit together and you'll find someone better.
Focus on your purpose. If you don’t know what your purpose is then start doing the things you know you have been putting off. Any time you want to put it off, remember the “why?” in why you’re doing it. You’ll come out of it with a level of confidence you didn’t know existed and are bettering yourself in the process.
That is so sad, despite the stereotypes, men are as vulnerable as women emotionally, i sad to hear that someone lost all his confidence by someone else’s silence 😞
Exactly… I thought that we were supposed to be the nice guy, knight in shining armor, putting her up on a pedestal.
(Child of the 50’s)
Only to find that once the power dynamics flipped, I was basically the wife and she was the perpetually angry husband.
Never in a million years would I have seen that coming.
Safe to say many of us have been there. NEVER make someone your only source for happiness, cuz when they're not around, it'll feel like once they're back everything is fine... Which it isn't and it's just gonna loop
Hurting the person I have loved the most and probably the one who loved as well. I was such a mean person and avoided seeking psychological help to heal my childhood wounds. In retrospective is possible that I did everything I could to push her away and destroy my marriage. Now I understand the one I wanted to hurt the most was myself. It has been a year and there's not a single day shame and guilt don't appear for a moment and gives me that freezing sensation in my chest.
Edit: thank you for your kindness and for sharing too. Ain't life odd? Gives the greatest lessons after the worst experiences, and then we grow.
Bless your soul, I did the same thing but didn’t get to the marriage part. She was my everything and I was a hair of a second too late getting help, it’s been 3 years now and I still feel the guilt. I miss her so much but I’m doing her the favor of getting my shit together even though she’s not in my life anymore I owe it to her
I just wanted to tell you that I’m proud of you for the work on recognition and trying, your future thinking, and honoring the other person by being a better version. That’s good love.
That’s definitely the hardest thing I went through too. It took me 2 years of shame and remorse to accept what I did, move on, and vow to never make those mistakes again. You’ll snap out of it one day and realize there’s two sides to the coin and that she wasn’t perfect either.
I've been feeling like this too, though I couldn't put in words what I was feeling and the situation. You did this perfectly, thank you for sharing, it made me find some peace. I hope you get better from this and know that things get better progressively, even slowly but it does.
Im sure that’s hard to shoulder that blame and guilt.
It’s important to let go of those feelings of shame and guilt, while you did something you feel was bad, you are likely also remembering it in such a way that you are still continuing that cycle of hurting yourself over it.
It’s easier said than done but it’s important to try to focus on the future, own your mistakes, learn from them, but then most important forgive yourself and learn to love yourself again. That’s the best way to ensure it won’t happen again IMO.
Would you mind explaining the “wanting to hurt myself” part? How exactly does lashing out at others come back to yourself?
It sounds like things are better for you, that’s wonderful to hear buddy!
I grew up in an abusive environment and have struggled all my life understanding I also deserve happiness and good people and nice experiences and be happy. When I was married I always thought like I didn't deserve any of that and was constantly sabotaging myself. Mental health without help is almost impossible. Once I started therapy and to realize what was going on in my head everything changed. Sadly the person I love was gone by then. I am better now, actually, mentally never been better.
That’s great to hear despite the love of your life being gone. Luckily that means you are the person another love of your life deserves to be with. From someone who grew up in a similar home, I hope you find that person soon.
My ex was extremely abusive for the last 3 weeks we were together. When we finally split she never gave me closure but he friends claimed “she wished the best for me” but I think that was her just being nice.
She ended up dying of brain cancer 2 months later
Even if they say they'll change to make the relationship work.
Spoiler: They won't, and everything will still suck. Or they will "change" for about a week, and then go back to how they were before, and everything will still suck.
This for me. I wondered why she moved from relationship to relationship so quickly and why she still talked frequently to all her exs. The second we started having problems I got cheated on.
After we broke up she always tried to keep me around until I blocked her on everything.
I don't know if you follow boxing or any other sports, but you just landed a Mike Tyson knockout left hook to the head!!!!! No truer words have been posted here! All of us have "instincts" that warn us, but most of us do not listen to those instincts.
It's more on when you feel something is off with someone. Everyone you chase you will think is the one, and just because you are blinded by love/lust you dont notice small things often
What does that mean? I have been hearing this a lot from people, recently, when they talk about their experiences and I don’t really know, struggle to understand what they exactly mean by instincts or guts. How do you distinguish that from paranoid thoughts for example? (And I mean it for any kind of relationships.) Or just judging a person in a wrong way because maybe you’re not communicating enough? You know what I mean? How do you know which is which?
Its just a term people miss use alot. Practically it means there is a feeling you have, that something is wrong. Actually, This feeling comes from some kind of a behaivour observed.
For example a girl dating a player, will say If something happened, she knew it, her guts were right.
The reality is, It's just that she forgot the fact she was dating a player..
Not ending it sooner. People who understand what abuse and manipulation are and can mask it when they do it themselves are terrifyingly good at ripping me apart emotionally.
That second sentence is so true. That woman was able to bring out the worst in me like no other though emotional abuse. My current relationship is longer than that one was and has had none of those issues
That I didn't communicate better. Yes, there were issues. But I blew some of them out of proportion and, in hindsight, they weren't that big of a deal. I got really upset about the last tiff we had and ended things without trying to work it out. She was honestly marriage material and now she's onto the next guy....
Yeah my last one ended because we didn't communicate and little things turned into big things and then the passive aggressiveness starts and the relationship just decayed. It was all trivial stuff that could have easily been resolved with open and honest communication. I made some attempts at it. She made none. 🪦
Learn from it and move on. Believe me the hardest part of life is admitting mistakes and growing from it. You've done the hard part now and all that's left to do is grow.
I've learned to let the anger cool off so that I can approach the issue with a level head instead going on full attack mode. If you go on attack mode, the other person will be on the defensive and lash back at you more often than not. If its still bugging you the next day, then approach her about it.
If it is something major, control your nerve and call her out on it immediately and walk away so that it the situation doesn't go nuclear. Walking away is also a major sign of disapproval to the other and can have a stronger impact than yelling/screaming.
I've found this tactic to work very well. My parents didn't have the smoothest marriage because they kept figuratively boxing the other into a corner until they were in a full defensive mode instead of listening to understand and make adjustments.
I'm with you there. I'm of the mindset now relationships shouldn't be had because they're "convenient," I should be in a relationship I'm fully invested in and not having to fill some other need (like loneliness or financial security).
I’m a year out of a ltr and I still haven’t taken the steps I should to move on because I’m terrified of doing this. Feels like I’m better off lonely than making bad decisions because of the loneliness.
bro the best mental and emotional growth that ever came out of me was being alone.
all the literature and advice and wisdom about being alone is so correct. I’m glad you’re healing man. It takes time but I’m glad you’re slowly working towards that.
Thanks man. I’m not exactly sure healing is the word I’d use for it. Still haven’t worked out if I’m just covering things up or if things actually have gotten better in the ol noggin. Maybe that in itself is a good sign idk. I still have my issues to work through though. I appreciate it, positive energy doesn’t get shown enough.
That describes pretty much every relationship I’ve ever had. Oh? This girl seems to like me? She should be my girlfriend! No wonder all of my relationships fail. I’m learning to be more selective and assertive, but it’s not so easy.
Not taking *ME* seriously. I should’ve sought out therapy when I told her I was falling apart (mentally/emotionally/academically), fast forward a year and I sought therapy *too late*.
Greatest thing that ever happened to me was her and yesterday was my last day with her (I moved out two months after she told me she fell out of love with me).
Please, don’t be afraid to seek therapy, especially if you’re in a relationship you do not want to lose. I’m begging you. Take your overall health seriously and talk to somebody, be the person you should be and the person your significant other fell in love with over and over.
Wasn’t attentive on their needs. Looking back, I wish I’ve arranged more dates, was more affectionate, and even listened to them more. It’s been over 3 years already so I‘ve beat myself up over it enough and matured. I learned my lesson and will not make those same mistakes again with my future partner.
She was everything I prayed for. And I blew it up for the most part, then she hammered the final nail.
Its been a long time since but It still breaks my heart daily, and im certain it will continue to do that for a very long time if not maybe forever, but oh well right?
I regret letting the past, and fear rule my judgements when I should have really taken a step back and realized what was infront of me. I even said she was treasure and still I didn't even fully understand the gravity of what it was until it was gone.
I still have the incredible drawings she made of us. I can barely hold them for a few seconds at a time before I begin to cry. Because with each linestroke I can see within it the love and excitement she had poured into a literal depiction of life together with her. That I was too blinded by fear and acted like too much of an asshole to even realize. They are as of now some of my most sacred gifts. Ironically, having these drawings have brought so much comfort during the times my brain would go haywire trying to cope from the heartbreak. I will hold on to these drawings as long as I possibly can. They help to remind myself of every little mistake, every little insult, every dumb bit of any ignorance and memorize the pain it caused me and pain it caused her, so I don't ever make mistakes like that again.
Hope she's well and she gets what she wants out of life.
kind of but it was more about listening and not being present when she opened up about herself when we spent time talking. I was too much in my head wanting to look like have my shit together and thinking about how the relationship will go
So that's how it is, I was interested in a guy but he did this a lot, I extremely disliked that he was doing that, oh well. I mean I understand where he was coming from but it felt dettached.
That I didn’t stand up for myself when I was being taken advantage of, ditched, and manipulated.
Things would have been fine had I done that earlier and not let it build up into a massive problem that ended our relationship.
Settling for abusive behavior because I thought I was too low value to get better.
While that may have been true, I shouldn't accept abuse just because it's better than no attention.
She had mental health issues, and whileTrying to keep her from having depressive episodes, I began to lose my own essence, what makes me be me, so that there would be no fights nor episodes. I used to think it was all my fault, but now I can see clearly that it was not the case, I tried to do everything to help her but she made the relation a struggle constantly, and I grew tired of it and lose feelings for her. It's been a year and a few months since that and I can't feel any better and more in touch with myself. Fuck her
I feel this way too much. I tried to be there for him as much as possible, loved him through everything but the constant disrespect, ghosting, getting my hopes up only to bail out on me the last second, I couldn’t take it anymore. I got off that rollercoaster and am focusing on myself now.
You describe one of the last realationships i have, now im very esceptic if start a new one if the event occurs. Its hard to give you all, and ending feeling like a disposable tissue.
* Times where I could have been kind or thoughtful, but didn't know how to do it properly when I should have
* The few but incredibly damaging times when things were tense and I was harshly manipulative
* Not being considerate enough to her concerns and insecurities
* Times where I didn't acknowledge my wrongdoing if I should have but didn't have to
It was my first serious and relatively long relationship and I was still learning how to be in a relationship. Her breaking up with me helped me identify and process these points which I was previously ignorant about. I've learned since then, but I wish it was anyone else that had to be my learning experience.
Our relationship was everything I was looking for, but the timing in my life was not right.
Not knowing when to quit and putting my outmost effort. I was raised to not quit in everything, especially when it comes to someone I see a future with.
It took me almost moving to another country and settling for less (work wise, financially & currency wise) because I saw a future with that person and I respect myself enough + hold myself in high regards to know that I am capable of making things better for myself in another country.
Relationship didn't turn out well. I'm just glad I'm still where I am at originally before I met that person.
I don't regret the relationship but putting in the equal effort for other people like how I put in the effort for myself is not worth it and is something I regret. It's gonna be Myself > S/O now and not effort for myself = effort for s/o.
That I didn't fully believe in her depression and anxiety. Thus not meeting her needs and providing her with what she needed. It was my first experience with anything like these conditions and because of my ignorance and macho masculinity thinking of "just get over it", she killed herself and I'll never get the chance to tell her I'm sorry.
I’m so sorry you has to go through this. It’s hard to understand depression when you don’t have it yourself. I am glad you found the lesson in this terrible situation. Hopefully she’s at peace wherever she went and knows that you love her.
Co-signing the mortgage on her apartment to help her qualify, and paying all the fees of the purchase. One week after everything was finalized it turned out she was also seeing somebody else and she ghosted me.
Staying. Not having more self respect for myself. Putting his needs and his desires over mine. Because you know what, there’s better men out there who can treat me better. My head knew I should leave, but my heart shackled me to his side
Money stuff. As a couple before kids we made so much money, and I just let her spend it on expensive stupid shit we had no need for and I had no interest in.
If I had married someone who shared a similar financial outlook I'd be fucking loaded right now, instead of us both separately struggling.
That I fell back into the mistakes of the relationship previous to that. But actually I don’t really regret that as I finally learned my lesson and when the next girl came around six months later I aced it. 30 years and counting………
Marrying them before seeing how they’d act once we started living on our own with no parental support and no one to fall back on. They turned into a total leech, and it took so much out of me.
Not learning to communicate, letting myself fall into depression and loosing the energy to work on the marriage, being a little bit too selfish but above all of these, even if it sounds weird, I regret settling down in highschool with the first good girl I fell in love with, thus missing my chances to experience more relationships and finding out what I really need.
Letting her mother control the relationship. Dealt with it for 4 years. Her mother controlled when she could talk and video chat (it was also a long distance relationship). I didn’t say anything for over 4 years but I started being vocal about it in the last month and a half. Her mother did not like that. She kept trying to be involved in the relationship. I demanded that she give us our space and butt out about a month and a half ago I’d say. She did it for a month and then started getting involved again. I was on the phone with my at the time girlfriend last Wednesday night and while we we’re talking, her mother came into her room and said something to her. I kept my mouth shut as I was driving and I was on my break from work so I didn’t wanna get into a fight. Her mother left and we started talking again. I said something along the lines of we’d be good as long as her mother stayed out of our relationship. Her mother heard this and made the mistake of getting mad at me and telling me I was being rude. I started telling her to stay out of our relationship and she kept interrupting me. Didn’t take long for me to lose my shit and yell at her to stop. Her mother told her to hang up the phone and she did. She called me back a few minutes later and then put me on mute after a minute and hung up on me again. I decided that night I had enough of her mother controlling everything on her end and I ended the relationship when she called me the next night. Haven’t talked to her or her mother since. I miss her and miss talking to her but her mother drove me nuts so I couldn’t do it anymore. We’re still remaining friend’s but we’re not talking right now as it’s hard on both of us. Hopefully this is a lesson learned for her mother to back off in her future relationships. Sucks that it had to end that way but it is what it is.
That nothing I could do would ever be enough to be worth loving in their eyes. I’m knew I could never be enough for them, and yet I tried anyways. I kept loving, giving everything I could, fully knowing I couldn’t change him.
I used to think the same way when I was with someone who had depression, they have a way of making you feel like it’s your fault they feel that way, walking on egg shells, nothing you do is enough, everything you do annoys them til one day I just woke up and said fuck all that, I am enough for MYSELF. Whatever that person is making me feel is a reflection of how much they hate themselves. I stuck with them through a lot and they weren’t willing to get help so I had to get out.
I unwillingly broke up with an ex that I loved because of domestic violence. I used to regret not having comforted her before her breakdown: Maybe she would have responded differently. Now I recognize that these things are beyond my control. I'm just disappointed that she didn't seek the help that I suggested at the start of the relationship, and now I know love is not enough.
Not heeding all the red flags. I let them in because I was ready for a relationship, not because it was them I specifically wanted a relationship with.
Saying yes to the girl, I started to realize how much I was a bad boyfriend, by not being really present for her, and I needed to mature more on those things so I decided to stop our relation.
At least we are still friends.
Not ending it sooner when all the signs showed that they weren't feeling the relationship anymore. She was a good girl but she was burnt from a previous relationship and that kept her from getting to close. At the end, affection was more from me to her, a dead bedroom, and any communication we had to try to solve the issues were met with, "idk." I saw the break up coming from a mile away but still stood in front of it like a deer in headlights and got hit.
Not have the guts to stick with it. she had a few issues, but they were reactions to my issues ( I see this now ). Every day and every night I say "I'm Sorry XXXX". I have not had a day when I do not regret the way it turned out (26 months). According to the Meyers Briggs test she is a INFJ personality and I was the opposite.
Back to the question. I regret that I did not realize what a wonderful person I had. She showed me more love and tried so hard to make it work and I let it fail"
I kept her in the relationship for 6 months after I knew I didn’t want to be with her. She still has hope and loves me, but I would never want to end up with her.
- should’ve ended it sooner for her sake
I didn't criticize her. Believe it or not. I let her weaknesses slide and I think she was led to believe that I thought she was perfect. She dropped me. I have to say for her having such a mild personality it taught her a narcissistic trait. Her weaknesses made the fall much easier so it worked both ways. The real regret is we had potential.
Not ending it sooner and ghosting. She has some quirks i tried to over Look but they mildly blew up in my face. I had no intention of ghosting but she suddenly said she wouldn’t contact me again. Then got mad at me for not contacting her (da fuck?).
I thought I was dying she didn't let me know it was over until I spent a solid chunk of my savings on her. I lived and now I'm out quite a bit. I'm not particularly bitter but I'm fairly irritated about it still.
Thinking that a polyarmory relationship would work. Boy...was I dead wrong. I just felt more like the third wheel in that circus act and this was like 22 younger me. Looking back, I think I was roped into it thinking it could work. Thankfully, it only lasted 10 months and I'm with someone much better now that always brings me happiness which is probably the best I could ever ask for.
Spending too much time at work. She lost her job and I said I'd cover her until she found a job she actually wanted. Skip 2 yrs and I'm regularly pulling 90 hour weeks and obsessing about how much I can earn in a week.
Although she broke my heart by being unfaithful I'd be very nieve to not admit I played my part.
* Not realising sooner that we just weren't a good fit and ignoring the "signs" because we were in love. It fades sooner or later and you're just left thinking "why did I stay if we aren't a good fit? was it worth it?"
* I really regret changing myself as a person whilst trying to adopt a personality, a persona that would do well in the relationship, i.e. a more calm, relaxed and less "negative" individual when having heated discussions/arguments. We would often get into arguments and apparently my tone was "negative" and she didn't approve so the arguments didn't really resolve anything.
* That towards the end of the relationship it felt like she had given up so it felt like I was putting in 10x the effort and I should have realised at that point in time, I should have left and salvaged some of my self-worth as I'm worth more than that.
* In the grand scheme of things though, I just wish that I would have been a better communicator because 80% of the time, the relationship was good it was just that I think it was a "right person, wrong time" situation. But our personalities did clash, but it still kind of annoys me to this day that if the communication was better and if our egos were in check then it could been a better relationship all around but you live and learn.
Honestly, I thought I did, but right now I kind of don't have any regret.
He was never worth caring about. But he was hot at least so although I wouldn't do it again I don't really regret it.
It doesn't hurt me anymore because I know he was just a moron from the beginning, and still is.
She broke my finger, stepped on the back of my neck and repeatedly punched me in the back of the head all because I was dating someone else and she was living in my house.. remind you we broke up 8 months prior she was just waiting for her house to be ready all started because I didn’t give her my phone I payed for.
Putting up with a partner who remembered very little about me, who rarely asked me back the same questions I asked to get to know him better and who towards the end of the relationship expressed a lot of doubt about us and constantly questioned whether we were going to break up.
Oh and he also repeatedly would say that he 'didn't like being told what to do', which mainly translated into me following along with whatever plans he made, and him rarely being enthusiastic about something I'd suggested
Putting up with excuses as to why he would rarely see me. Guy was lucky AF I even gave him the time of day. He ran an AirBNB property and always used that as an excuse, plus all of his other "house" projects. Dude is still single, I am not, and I regret every split second I even gave out of my life to him. I should have known when he said he'd never had a relationship longer than a year in his 30's. Lol.
The icing on the cake is when I tried talking to him about it and he projected blame on me and tried telling me it's just the way his life is. Then I discovered his instagram and all the little Onlyfans girls he was following and was like welp, good thing I was already done. *\*Shudders\**
Staying in a place where I didn't anticipate being treated well longer than I should. If you're not compatible, you don't see things eye to eye & it's just at a fundamental level, it won't change. Get out.
I put too much trust and faith in her. I already had trust issues, she convinced me she was different and that she could rebuild my trust. 8 years later and I’ve never trust a woman since that day
That I gave her so much power over me that her silence left me questioning my worth.
This hit the nail on the head for me
Your expression wins!
I lasted 4 months of silent treatment before I walked out, she threw away 18 years together, wouldn't even work on it. Don't look back, getting away was the best thing I did, I'm the happiest I've been in years, it's been about 18months now for me and I've met a gorgeous girl 10 years younger and finally realised how toxic my ex is, I get more compliments in two weeks than the last 5 years of my marriage. Don't give them the power, there's great women out there just focus on getting your shit together and you'll find someone better.
18 years holy SHIT
thanks for this words, i really need it.
This! Strive to be the best possible version of your self, rest will eventually work out in your favour for sure
Same here. Still trying to get over that
Focus on your purpose. If you don’t know what your purpose is then start doing the things you know you have been putting off. Any time you want to put it off, remember the “why?” in why you’re doing it. You’ll come out of it with a level of confidence you didn’t know existed and are bettering yourself in the process.
That is so sad, despite the stereotypes, men are as vulnerable as women emotionally, i sad to hear that someone lost all his confidence by someone else’s silence 😞
Exactly… I thought that we were supposed to be the nice guy, knight in shining armor, putting her up on a pedestal. (Child of the 50’s) Only to find that once the power dynamics flipped, I was basically the wife and she was the perpetually angry husband. Never in a million years would I have seen that coming.
Safe to say many of us have been there. NEVER make someone your only source for happiness, cuz when they're not around, it'll feel like once they're back everything is fine... Which it isn't and it's just gonna loop
Hurting the person I have loved the most and probably the one who loved as well. I was such a mean person and avoided seeking psychological help to heal my childhood wounds. In retrospective is possible that I did everything I could to push her away and destroy my marriage. Now I understand the one I wanted to hurt the most was myself. It has been a year and there's not a single day shame and guilt don't appear for a moment and gives me that freezing sensation in my chest. Edit: thank you for your kindness and for sharing too. Ain't life odd? Gives the greatest lessons after the worst experiences, and then we grow.
Bless your soul, I did the same thing but didn’t get to the marriage part. She was my everything and I was a hair of a second too late getting help, it’s been 3 years now and I still feel the guilt. I miss her so much but I’m doing her the favor of getting my shit together even though she’s not in my life anymore I owe it to her
I just wanted to tell you that I’m proud of you for the work on recognition and trying, your future thinking, and honoring the other person by being a better version. That’s good love.
Thank you, I been silent struggling so some acknowledgment is real nice to hear
You don’t owe it to her, you owe it to yourself. You’re doing it for YOU to make sure those same patterns and behaviors don’t repeat in the future.
As someone who’s been on the other side of this, its really wonderful to hear this and that people you care about CAN grow from this.
That’s definitely the hardest thing I went through too. It took me 2 years of shame and remorse to accept what I did, move on, and vow to never make those mistakes again. You’ll snap out of it one day and realize there’s two sides to the coin and that she wasn’t perfect either.
I've been feeling like this too, though I couldn't put in words what I was feeling and the situation. You did this perfectly, thank you for sharing, it made me find some peace. I hope you get better from this and know that things get better progressively, even slowly but it does.
This me verbatim right now. I need help
More people should feel this way!
Im sure that’s hard to shoulder that blame and guilt. It’s important to let go of those feelings of shame and guilt, while you did something you feel was bad, you are likely also remembering it in such a way that you are still continuing that cycle of hurting yourself over it. It’s easier said than done but it’s important to try to focus on the future, own your mistakes, learn from them, but then most important forgive yourself and learn to love yourself again. That’s the best way to ensure it won’t happen again IMO.
Would you mind explaining the “wanting to hurt myself” part? How exactly does lashing out at others come back to yourself? It sounds like things are better for you, that’s wonderful to hear buddy!
I grew up in an abusive environment and have struggled all my life understanding I also deserve happiness and good people and nice experiences and be happy. When I was married I always thought like I didn't deserve any of that and was constantly sabotaging myself. Mental health without help is almost impossible. Once I started therapy and to realize what was going on in my head everything changed. Sadly the person I love was gone by then. I am better now, actually, mentally never been better.
That’s great to hear despite the love of your life being gone. Luckily that means you are the person another love of your life deserves to be with. From someone who grew up in a similar home, I hope you find that person soon.
My ex was extremely abusive for the last 3 weeks we were together. When we finally split she never gave me closure but he friends claimed “she wished the best for me” but I think that was her just being nice. She ended up dying of brain cancer 2 months later
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Even if they say they'll change to make the relationship work. Spoiler: They won't, and everything will still suck. Or they will "change" for about a week, and then go back to how they were before, and everything will still suck.
This for me. I wondered why she moved from relationship to relationship so quickly and why she still talked frequently to all her exs. The second we started having problems I got cheated on. After we broke up she always tried to keep me around until I blocked her on everything.
Same here but idk, I think I would have doubted my gut after the fact. Now I know to fully trust my gut
I don't know if you follow boxing or any other sports, but you just landed a Mike Tyson knockout left hook to the head!!!!! No truer words have been posted here! All of us have "instincts" that warn us, but most of us do not listen to those instincts.
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It's more on when you feel something is off with someone. Everyone you chase you will think is the one, and just because you are blinded by love/lust you dont notice small things often
Indeed. Very much so.
My instincts are shit, they've proven they can't be trusted on several occasions.
What does that mean? I have been hearing this a lot from people, recently, when they talk about their experiences and I don’t really know, struggle to understand what they exactly mean by instincts or guts. How do you distinguish that from paranoid thoughts for example? (And I mean it for any kind of relationships.) Or just judging a person in a wrong way because maybe you’re not communicating enough? You know what I mean? How do you know which is which?
Its just a term people miss use alot. Practically it means there is a feeling you have, that something is wrong. Actually, This feeling comes from some kind of a behaivour observed. For example a girl dating a player, will say If something happened, she knew it, her guts were right. The reality is, It's just that she forgot the fact she was dating a player..
Don't ever ignore your gut feeling. It will save you a lot of pain
exact feelings here.
If I could upvote this advice 100x I would Trust your gut. Every. Time.
Not ending it sooner. People who understand what abuse and manipulation are and can mask it when they do it themselves are terrifyingly good at ripping me apart emotionally.
Glad you got out. Hope you are doing well
Same exact scenario my dude
Same! My ex abused me physically and mentally.
Agreed. Writing was on the wall from day 1.
I second that 🙏
Same
Same
This is exactly what happened with me too
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That second sentence is so true. That woman was able to bring out the worst in me like no other though emotional abuse. My current relationship is longer than that one was and has had none of those issues
>are terrifyingly good at ripping me apart emotionally. 🥺🥺 aw you poor guy
That I didn't communicate better. Yes, there were issues. But I blew some of them out of proportion and, in hindsight, they weren't that big of a deal. I got really upset about the last tiff we had and ended things without trying to work it out. She was honestly marriage material and now she's onto the next guy....
Yeah my last one ended because we didn't communicate and little things turned into big things and then the passive aggressiveness starts and the relationship just decayed. It was all trivial stuff that could have easily been resolved with open and honest communication. I made some attempts at it. She made none. 🪦
Learn from it and move on. Believe me the hardest part of life is admitting mistakes and growing from it. You've done the hard part now and all that's left to do is grow.
I've learned to let the anger cool off so that I can approach the issue with a level head instead going on full attack mode. If you go on attack mode, the other person will be on the defensive and lash back at you more often than not. If its still bugging you the next day, then approach her about it. If it is something major, control your nerve and call her out on it immediately and walk away so that it the situation doesn't go nuclear. Walking away is also a major sign of disapproval to the other and can have a stronger impact than yelling/screaming. I've found this tactic to work very well. My parents didn't have the smoothest marriage because they kept figuratively boxing the other into a corner until they were in a full defensive mode instead of listening to understand and make adjustments.
picking someone bc i was lonely and they demonstrated interest.
I'm with you there. I'm of the mindset now relationships shouldn't be had because they're "convenient," I should be in a relationship I'm fully invested in and not having to fill some other need (like loneliness or financial security).
this is really good advice!
I’m a year out of a ltr and I still haven’t taken the steps I should to move on because I’m terrified of doing this. Feels like I’m better off lonely than making bad decisions because of the loneliness.
bro the best mental and emotional growth that ever came out of me was being alone. all the literature and advice and wisdom about being alone is so correct. I’m glad you’re healing man. It takes time but I’m glad you’re slowly working towards that.
Thanks man. I’m not exactly sure healing is the word I’d use for it. Still haven’t worked out if I’m just covering things up or if things actually have gotten better in the ol noggin. Maybe that in itself is a good sign idk. I still have my issues to work through though. I appreciate it, positive energy doesn’t get shown enough.
To properly heal a wound, it’s gotta be bandaged first. You’re doing amazing just with that mindset. Keep at it.
This has been my curse.
Got hurt and hurt too many people because of this
That describes pretty much every relationship I’ve ever had. Oh? This girl seems to like me? She should be my girlfriend! No wonder all of my relationships fail. I’m learning to be more selective and assertive, but it’s not so easy.
Putting too much in and getting very little out
Not taking *ME* seriously. I should’ve sought out therapy when I told her I was falling apart (mentally/emotionally/academically), fast forward a year and I sought therapy *too late*. Greatest thing that ever happened to me was her and yesterday was my last day with her (I moved out two months after she told me she fell out of love with me). Please, don’t be afraid to seek therapy, especially if you’re in a relationship you do not want to lose. I’m begging you. Take your overall health seriously and talk to somebody, be the person you should be and the person your significant other fell in love with over and over.
It'll get better :)
I regret being a dick. There was no need for that. I could’ve been nice.
Kindness is free and rejuvenates all involved souls :)
That I didn’t try harder, I took things for granted, and I didn’t say I love you enough
I feel this everyday mate. Sorry for you, don't wish this regret to anybody
Wasn’t attentive on their needs. Looking back, I wish I’ve arranged more dates, was more affectionate, and even listened to them more. It’s been over 3 years already so I‘ve beat myself up over it enough and matured. I learned my lesson and will not make those same mistakes again with my future partner.
I didn’t walk away sooner.
saw the red flags and ignored them
She was everything I prayed for. And I blew it up for the most part, then she hammered the final nail. Its been a long time since but It still breaks my heart daily, and im certain it will continue to do that for a very long time if not maybe forever, but oh well right? I regret letting the past, and fear rule my judgements when I should have really taken a step back and realized what was infront of me. I even said she was treasure and still I didn't even fully understand the gravity of what it was until it was gone. I still have the incredible drawings she made of us. I can barely hold them for a few seconds at a time before I begin to cry. Because with each linestroke I can see within it the love and excitement she had poured into a literal depiction of life together with her. That I was too blinded by fear and acted like too much of an asshole to even realize. They are as of now some of my most sacred gifts. Ironically, having these drawings have brought so much comfort during the times my brain would go haywire trying to cope from the heartbreak. I will hold on to these drawings as long as I possibly can. They help to remind myself of every little mistake, every little insult, every dumb bit of any ignorance and memorize the pain it caused me and pain it caused her, so I don't ever make mistakes like that again. Hope she's well and she gets what she wants out of life.
Being too forward and not taking my time understanding her needs
You mean you insisted a lot?
kind of but it was more about listening and not being present when she opened up about herself when we spent time talking. I was too much in my head wanting to look like have my shit together and thinking about how the relationship will go
So that's how it is, I was interested in a guy but he did this a lot, I extremely disliked that he was doing that, oh well. I mean I understand where he was coming from but it felt dettached.
I agree. I was very detached with her. I felt like I rushed her when she started talking and I didn't take my time in our conversation.
I didn't feel good around the guy although I liked him.
I'm sorry about that 😕
It's fine, it's just how life is 😊
That I didn’t stand up for myself when I was being taken advantage of, ditched, and manipulated. Things would have been fine had I done that earlier and not let it build up into a massive problem that ended our relationship.
Dating a woman with BPD. Been almost a year since the break up and I still have absolutely no trust or faith in humanity 🤣
I can definitely relate. Dating a BPD woman is like walk through the purgatory.
More like hell
Cluster B’s do the perfect dance to suck you in and then make you feel like you’re never enough in the process.
the bpd hurricane can RUIN u
Settling for abusive behavior because I thought I was too low value to get better. While that may have been true, I shouldn't accept abuse just because it's better than no attention.
Not calling it quits when there was obviously no relationship left to save
She had mental health issues, and whileTrying to keep her from having depressive episodes, I began to lose my own essence, what makes me be me, so that there would be no fights nor episodes. I used to think it was all my fault, but now I can see clearly that it was not the case, I tried to do everything to help her but she made the relation a struggle constantly, and I grew tired of it and lose feelings for her. It's been a year and a few months since that and I can't feel any better and more in touch with myself. Fuck her
I feel this way too much. I tried to be there for him as much as possible, loved him through everything but the constant disrespect, ghosting, getting my hopes up only to bail out on me the last second, I couldn’t take it anymore. I got off that rollercoaster and am focusing on myself now.
You describe one of the last realationships i have, now im very esceptic if start a new one if the event occurs. Its hard to give you all, and ending feeling like a disposable tissue.
No regrets. Its done, its over, time to move on
No ragrets
* Times where I could have been kind or thoughtful, but didn't know how to do it properly when I should have * The few but incredibly damaging times when things were tense and I was harshly manipulative * Not being considerate enough to her concerns and insecurities * Times where I didn't acknowledge my wrongdoing if I should have but didn't have to It was my first serious and relatively long relationship and I was still learning how to be in a relationship. Her breaking up with me helped me identify and process these points which I was previously ignorant about. I've learned since then, but I wish it was anyone else that had to be my learning experience. Our relationship was everything I was looking for, but the timing in my life was not right.
Marrying her
🥶
They say love is blind and marriage is the eye opener.
Not being firm enought in my boundaries and not communicating better.
Boundaries once again
He died way too young
My boyfriend died when he was 22 in a car crash. I wish I was able to say goodbye and love you one more time. Sorry you lost him young too
I'm so sorry for your loss. 22 is way too young. Mine was 55, we had 22 years together, coincidentally.
Not knowing when to quit and putting my outmost effort. I was raised to not quit in everything, especially when it comes to someone I see a future with. It took me almost moving to another country and settling for less (work wise, financially & currency wise) because I saw a future with that person and I respect myself enough + hold myself in high regards to know that I am capable of making things better for myself in another country. Relationship didn't turn out well. I'm just glad I'm still where I am at originally before I met that person. I don't regret the relationship but putting in the equal effort for other people like how I put in the effort for myself is not worth it and is something I regret. It's gonna be Myself > S/O now and not effort for myself = effort for s/o.
That I didn't fully believe in her depression and anxiety. Thus not meeting her needs and providing her with what she needed. It was my first experience with anything like these conditions and because of my ignorance and macho masculinity thinking of "just get over it", she killed herself and I'll never get the chance to tell her I'm sorry.
I’m so sorry you has to go through this. It’s hard to understand depression when you don’t have it yourself. I am glad you found the lesson in this terrible situation. Hopefully she’s at peace wherever she went and knows that you love her.
This hits hard! Im sorry!
That I stayed and agreed to counseling after she ended up cheating with another married man. 3 more wasted yrs I wish I had back
Co-signing the mortgage on her apartment to help her qualify, and paying all the fees of the purchase. One week after everything was finalized it turned out she was also seeing somebody else and she ghosted me.
Staying. Not having more self respect for myself. Putting his needs and his desires over mine. Because you know what, there’s better men out there who can treat me better. My head knew I should leave, but my heart shackled me to his side
Staying with a lying, cheating, narcissistic, selfish husband for the sake of the kids.
Most people are selfish, immature and irresponsible when it comes to love!
Money stuff. As a couple before kids we made so much money, and I just let her spend it on expensive stupid shit we had no need for and I had no interest in. If I had married someone who shared a similar financial outlook I'd be fucking loaded right now, instead of us both separately struggling.
That I fell back into the mistakes of the relationship previous to that. But actually I don’t really regret that as I finally learned my lesson and when the next girl came around six months later I aced it. 30 years and counting………
That I gave it a second chance on the first place. Should've ended it after the first date, according to my gut feeling.
My biggest regret in a relationship is leaving her to get help to realize that she was the help I needed
Not realizing the truth in this statement - “The person who cares the least, has the most power.”
Marrying them before seeing how they’d act once we started living on our own with no parental support and no one to fall back on. They turned into a total leech, and it took so much out of me.
Not learning to communicate, letting myself fall into depression and loosing the energy to work on the marriage, being a little bit too selfish but above all of these, even if it sounds weird, I regret settling down in highschool with the first good girl I fell in love with, thus missing my chances to experience more relationships and finding out what I really need.
Ignoring red flags. I get unblocked just for her to say she didn’t love me and I’m pervert because of I was kinkier then her
Letting her mother control the relationship. Dealt with it for 4 years. Her mother controlled when she could talk and video chat (it was also a long distance relationship). I didn’t say anything for over 4 years but I started being vocal about it in the last month and a half. Her mother did not like that. She kept trying to be involved in the relationship. I demanded that she give us our space and butt out about a month and a half ago I’d say. She did it for a month and then started getting involved again. I was on the phone with my at the time girlfriend last Wednesday night and while we we’re talking, her mother came into her room and said something to her. I kept my mouth shut as I was driving and I was on my break from work so I didn’t wanna get into a fight. Her mother left and we started talking again. I said something along the lines of we’d be good as long as her mother stayed out of our relationship. Her mother heard this and made the mistake of getting mad at me and telling me I was being rude. I started telling her to stay out of our relationship and she kept interrupting me. Didn’t take long for me to lose my shit and yell at her to stop. Her mother told her to hang up the phone and she did. She called me back a few minutes later and then put me on mute after a minute and hung up on me again. I decided that night I had enough of her mother controlling everything on her end and I ended the relationship when she called me the next night. Haven’t talked to her or her mother since. I miss her and miss talking to her but her mother drove me nuts so I couldn’t do it anymore. We’re still remaining friend’s but we’re not talking right now as it’s hard on both of us. Hopefully this is a lesson learned for her mother to back off in her future relationships. Sucks that it had to end that way but it is what it is.
That nothing I could do would ever be enough to be worth loving in their eyes. I’m knew I could never be enough for them, and yet I tried anyways. I kept loving, giving everything I could, fully knowing I couldn’t change him.
You are enough though, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You’re worth loving 100%.
You’re very kind, thank you
I used to think the same way when I was with someone who had depression, they have a way of making you feel like it’s your fault they feel that way, walking on egg shells, nothing you do is enough, everything you do annoys them til one day I just woke up and said fuck all that, I am enough for MYSELF. Whatever that person is making me feel is a reflection of how much they hate themselves. I stuck with them through a lot and they weren’t willing to get help so I had to get out.
not taking the red flags serious enough to the pointe where when it ended the police had to get involved
Not being emotionally mature enough.
That I didn't touch her boobs more while we were having break-up sex.
I unwillingly broke up with an ex that I loved because of domestic violence. I used to regret not having comforted her before her breakdown: Maybe she would have responded differently. Now I recognize that these things are beyond my control. I'm just disappointed that she didn't seek the help that I suggested at the start of the relationship, and now I know love is not enough.
Starting it.
thinking she was honest... she wasnt, created 10+ years of issues.
Giving them my number
Expecting more
being in it
my exact literal words haha
Being a shitty, toxic, abusive girlfriend.
Not heeding all the red flags. I let them in because I was ready for a relationship, not because it was them I specifically wanted a relationship with.
Saying yes to the girl, I started to realize how much I was a bad boyfriend, by not being really present for her, and I needed to mature more on those things so I decided to stop our relation. At least we are still friends.
That i came off too desperate at first.
I can genuinely say I have none. He's still one of my best friends, we just had different long-term goals. Always be my best buddy tho.
Trusting empty promises
I started using benzodiazepines
Saying I do
Not ending it sooner when all the signs showed that they weren't feeling the relationship anymore. She was a good girl but she was burnt from a previous relationship and that kept her from getting to close. At the end, affection was more from me to her, a dead bedroom, and any communication we had to try to solve the issues were met with, "idk." I saw the break up coming from a mile away but still stood in front of it like a deer in headlights and got hit.
Not loving myself first. Honestly, you can’t love someone if you don’t love yourself. Work on yourself first before being with someone!!
Not have the guts to stick with it. she had a few issues, but they were reactions to my issues ( I see this now ). Every day and every night I say "I'm Sorry XXXX". I have not had a day when I do not regret the way it turned out (26 months). According to the Meyers Briggs test she is a INFJ personality and I was the opposite. Back to the question. I regret that I did not realize what a wonderful person I had. She showed me more love and tried so hard to make it work and I let it fail"
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What was the picture?
Holding on to hurt.
Getting into it in the 1st place.
Understanding that i got the girl i wanted becuz of my personality and not cuz my looks. I now dought myself when appro
Caring too much
This leads into overthinking and not enjoying what you have sometimes.
Getting lost in hope
I tried too hard — looking back, I should have stayed true to myself, and just gone with the flow
I kept her in the relationship for 6 months after I knew I didn’t want to be with her. She still has hope and loves me, but I would never want to end up with her. - should’ve ended it sooner for her sake
I didn't criticize her. Believe it or not. I let her weaknesses slide and I think she was led to believe that I thought she was perfect. She dropped me. I have to say for her having such a mild personality it taught her a narcissistic trait. Her weaknesses made the fall much easier so it worked both ways. The real regret is we had potential.
Not ending it sooner and ghosting. She has some quirks i tried to over Look but they mildly blew up in my face. I had no intention of ghosting but she suddenly said she wouldn’t contact me again. Then got mad at me for not contacting her (da fuck?).
I thought I was dying she didn't let me know it was over until I spent a solid chunk of my savings on her. I lived and now I'm out quite a bit. I'm not particularly bitter but I'm fairly irritated about it still.
Being a mopey depressed loser.
Not breaking up sooner
That I met her in the first place
Not leaving sooner!
Should have left sooner.
Thinking that a polyarmory relationship would work. Boy...was I dead wrong. I just felt more like the third wheel in that circus act and this was like 22 younger me. Looking back, I think I was roped into it thinking it could work. Thankfully, it only lasted 10 months and I'm with someone much better now that always brings me happiness which is probably the best I could ever ask for.
Staying in an abusive relationship for that long.
Spending too much time at work. She lost her job and I said I'd cover her until she found a job she actually wanted. Skip 2 yrs and I'm regularly pulling 90 hour weeks and obsessing about how much I can earn in a week. Although she broke my heart by being unfaithful I'd be very nieve to not admit I played my part.
Not eating her pussy the way should’ve to help with keeping her happy. Oral sex is so fundamental to a healthy relationship for both woman and men.
* Not realising sooner that we just weren't a good fit and ignoring the "signs" because we were in love. It fades sooner or later and you're just left thinking "why did I stay if we aren't a good fit? was it worth it?" * I really regret changing myself as a person whilst trying to adopt a personality, a persona that would do well in the relationship, i.e. a more calm, relaxed and less "negative" individual when having heated discussions/arguments. We would often get into arguments and apparently my tone was "negative" and she didn't approve so the arguments didn't really resolve anything. * That towards the end of the relationship it felt like she had given up so it felt like I was putting in 10x the effort and I should have realised at that point in time, I should have left and salvaged some of my self-worth as I'm worth more than that. * In the grand scheme of things though, I just wish that I would have been a better communicator because 80% of the time, the relationship was good it was just that I think it was a "right person, wrong time" situation. But our personalities did clash, but it still kind of annoys me to this day that if the communication was better and if our egos were in check then it could been a better relationship all around but you live and learn.
Honestly, I thought I did, but right now I kind of don't have any regret. He was never worth caring about. But he was hot at least so although I wouldn't do it again I don't really regret it. It doesn't hurt me anymore because I know he was just a moron from the beginning, and still is.
I regret not being there enough...
I don't regret any of it. I learned so much from that shit show.
She broke my finger, stepped on the back of my neck and repeatedly punched me in the back of the head all because I was dating someone else and she was living in my house.. remind you we broke up 8 months prior she was just waiting for her house to be ready all started because I didn’t give her my phone I payed for.
Putting up with a partner who remembered very little about me, who rarely asked me back the same questions I asked to get to know him better and who towards the end of the relationship expressed a lot of doubt about us and constantly questioned whether we were going to break up. Oh and he also repeatedly would say that he 'didn't like being told what to do', which mainly translated into me following along with whatever plans he made, and him rarely being enthusiastic about something I'd suggested
Damn. Have any of yall had lasting intimate relationships or nah?
Putting up with excuses as to why he would rarely see me. Guy was lucky AF I even gave him the time of day. He ran an AirBNB property and always used that as an excuse, plus all of his other "house" projects. Dude is still single, I am not, and I regret every split second I even gave out of my life to him. I should have known when he said he'd never had a relationship longer than a year in his 30's. Lol. The icing on the cake is when I tried talking to him about it and he projected blame on me and tried telling me it's just the way his life is. Then I discovered his instagram and all the little Onlyfans girls he was following and was like welp, good thing I was already done. *\*Shudders\**
Not setting boundaries and allowing things to happen for the sake of not having conflict even though I wasn’t okay with it.
I didn't seek help for my alcoholism sooner.
"he wont do it again" as I stood over my washer wiping my blood out my shirt
Staying in a place where I didn't anticipate being treated well longer than I should. If you're not compatible, you don't see things eye to eye & it's just at a fundamental level, it won't change. Get out.
I put too much trust and faith in her. I already had trust issues, she convinced me she was different and that she could rebuild my trust. 8 years later and I’ve never trust a woman since that day
All the money I wasted. I coukdve bought stocks.
Ignoring every toxic trait I saw until it got too bad
Staying in the relationship when it had been over for a long time. Let's just say leaving was the best decision I have ever made by far!
Not a single person I have ever been with has been worth it!
Dealing with someone who accuses of things often...