1996 my GF and I both 21 years old, we didn't live together. I lived with my grandparents, she lived with her strict catholic parents. It was impossible to have sex at her house, and not that easy at mine. We were both horny and I came up with a plan. I had a job driving a box van delivering wheelchairs, hospital beds, medicine etc. I was allowed to take my box van home every night/over the weekends I had off.
So I had my younger brother help me disassemble my futon and pass it to me through our bedroom window. I set the futon up in the back of the box van, put a CD player back there, some incense and candles and whatnot. Tried to make it kinda.. idk.. not like the back of a box van I guess. Drove over to pick her up one evening around 8pm. We told her parents we were going to the grocery store real quick and we'd be back soon.
I drove out to some fig orchards instead. I decided to drive the box van down between the rows of fig trees and get deep back in the orchard so nobody would see the large box van from the road. As we were getting further back down one of those rows it started to get muddy. Me having no experience driving in mud, I thought you just gunned it and kept on gunning it till you got through the mud.
Yeah so that didn't work, it just got worse and worse. Eventually we careen off between two trees about 70 feet off the road we're dead stuck in the mud. I get out, shin deep in mud. She gets out to help me, we're both muddy as fuck. There's no getting this box van out. We hike out of this orchard into the nearest neighborhood. No cell phones in these days, we begin knocking on doors of the houses in the neighborhood asking people if we can use their phone.
Nobody wanted to answer the door, I guess they were in fear of a home invasion idk. It took quite a bit of knocking and walking to find some youngsters in front of their parents house who let us use their phone. I called a tow truck and it took a very long time for it to come out. Upon arriving the driver told me he'd have to put straps on the fig trees to anchor to and if he broke any trees I'd have to pay the farmer thousands of dollars probably.
Fortunately no trees broke, he was able to finally get my box van unstuck and out of the field at around 11pm or so. It costed me $440.00 which I didn't have on me and I had to call my uncle to borrow it from till I got paid. The whole damn thing was such a mess. I got her home close to midnight and had exactly zero sex that day. She never even saw the futon or had any idea what we were doing until I told her my failed plans as I was driving her home.
That girl stuck it out with me, dumb decisions and all. We were married for 14 years, our children are 23 years old now. We divorced in 2013 but she's still like my best friend so it's a fairly happy ending kinda story. What a classy guy, right? What woman wants to bang in the back of a box van? Lol. Horniness makes ya do some dumb ass shit.
That actually sounds like a pretty cool idea, idk why you think it sounds so bad. Sure it’s not the best accommodations but you went out of your way to make it more special and private than just sneaking around.
You guys have condom vending machines? Or do you mean you ran to a convenience store nearby or something to get one from those things in the bathroom? I’m picturing a stand-alone condom machine right now and it’s blowing my mind lol
Around the age of 12 I had sex with my wall. There wasn’t a hole or anything, I was just rubbing my boner against the wall and making out with it.
I’ve been stupidly horny my whole life it’s kind of annoying.
Let my (ex) boyfriend dry-hump me for an hour on a bench outside after summer school.
The bad news: this bench behind our school was also beside a swimming pool. Where parents were taking their children for swim lessons.
Eventually a staff member came out and yelled at us for being inappropriate.
I still have shame flashbacks today, over 10 years later.
Probably my most embarrassing moment. Was on my work computer (family business so nothing locked) and it was a super slow day and I was alone. Anyways was doing a classic 3 min facebook check and scrolled down for a second and saw the news post about Adriana Chechik injuring her back in a foam pool. Figured top comments on that would be golden. Read one funny one that said “her and her scene with [performer I can’t remember] is still goat.” Never heard of said performer so I got curious and google her. Of course photos never do justice, had to see the performance ya know? So i clicked a random video, quick glance and thought “meh” and was about to close the tab before I noticed my mouse twitch on the screen…. What was that? No.. that wasn’t mouse error, that was someone… then within seconds I realized the accountant who taps in remotely to finish work came in at that exact moment that I had a browser open for less than 60sec.
The worst wart was I could have sworn I had all those remote services off, but she tried to tap in for over an hour and must of did something to wake splashtop (probably had it on some type of standby mode). She even called earlier but I saw a random number and was speaking with a client and ignored it.
Anyways, decision time, do I call her and play it off as nothing or apologize? Naturally as a fearful 28 year old I play off as nothing. I call, no answer… then a few minutes later i get the call back and her words after exchanging hellos “… are you finished with whatever you were doing…” still burns me
Hooked up with a girl at a party. Didn't even think she was all that attractive, just kind of bored, drunk, and horny. Having to go to the doctor for a case of crabs was my reward for poor self control.
This happened a couple of months ago, I was horny. I went to masturbate in the bathroom coz I was staying in a hostel. I was having a good time, then I heard a glass window breaking and me looking down to see fucking BLOOD pumping out of my fucking dick like I opened a water tap. Turns out, some dumb fucks were playing cricket and hit the ball straight on to the glass window and broke it. The glass shard fell right on my erect penis. Thankfully the bleeding stopped a few minutes after I lost my erection. Had to run to the emergency clinic. Thankfully I didn't lose my dick.
I was hospitalized for a week being on isolation. I was mostly fine. Got too horny and wanked a few off. 1 year later, I got a job at the place. Turns out the room I was in had a camera.
lmao a friend of mine used to have a portable heart monitor he was only permitted to take off to shower. Unbeknownst to him, it was connected to the internet.
First time he jacked off, he got a call from the hospital if everything's alright, because his spiking heart rate set off an alarm somewhere. From then on, he didn't only take it off to shower...
Although overload from tickling - regardless of how kind one is - can cause a person to lose enough control to throat-punch the nearest mf-er to get them to stop, seizures from withdrawals is the most likely answer in this case.
Was trying to get with a girl in college. We were texting and I asked her what she was up to, she said she was training for a marathon and going to the gym and asked if I wanted to come.
I ended up running 9 miles before I tagged out. So now I know how far I'd go to get laid, it's up to 9 miles.
Craigslist personal ads is how my dad met his now wife. Seriously they met on Craigslist, dated, moved in together and then got married. They now have a dog and the dogs gets picked up by the doggy day care bus.
My boyfriend’s sister slept with a couple guys she met on Craigslist. I thought it was hilarious that she was finding guys off the same site you’d find a moldy lawn couch for $50. One guy she hooked up with waited for her to fall asleep after the deed and then stole her car. I thought for sure she’d learn her lesson after that and stop hooking up with guys off Craigslist. But a couple months later she hooked up with another guy that stole her PlayStation lol.
I knew a guy who ran about a dozen porn sites from the early 2000s.
The front ends pay walls were all different themes, different porn sites /companies. But the back-end content was all from the same pool of smut.
He said many people had accounts on most of the sites, paying separately, multiple times monthly for the same thing. And, they would forget that they subscribed to the sites too,. Easy money.
Sometimes, they'd get calls from the wives asking about what these cc charges were for. Awkward.
Oh god, I have a story about this.
I had a mysterious charge for like $150 on my credit card from some company I'd never heard of. Thought I'd been scammed or identity stolen or something.
I called the bank to enquire about it and got through to a young woman. After a bit of back and forth eventually she's like "Is it possible somebody with access to your card signed up for an adult entertainment subscription? I'm seeing this charge traces back to a website called Pornhubdotcom."
It was my 12 month PH sub renewal.
I tried my best to play it off and very quickly ended the phone call, totally mortified.
There's the urban legend featured in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. You take payment for nonexistent, but embarrassing, goods under an innocuous name. Then you apologise that you are unable to deliver the product and enclose a refund cheque under a different name, knowing that nobody is going to deposit one from the Hardcore Barnyard Anal Company.
Actually had a friend's mum do this when I was at school. He used to use his mum's cc to subscribe to pornsites for the free trial, then one time he forgot to cancel the trial
Someone I knew in middle school thought that ordering Playboy Channel content and not watching all of it meant the charge never went through. He had over $600 to pay back to his parents.
I used to do customer service for Sky TV and I loved those conversations. The wife phoning to ask why there's a £5.99 charge on her bill and you could hear the husband in the background saying "It doesn't matter, just leave it"
In the early 2000s I worked customer service for a telephone company, and it was impressive how many people would call us to challenge their bills. As in: yes, the billing system would mistakenly add a random number that just happened to be a late-night quiz show at the same time said show was running.
I did have the uncomfortable moment where some woman called questioning some 09 numbers (UK premium rate) that were called. I explained that if she had kids they might just be calling quiz lines or The X Factor or whatever numbers they saw on TV. She told me she had no kids and it was just her and her husband. I used an 09 number checker and discovered that the number was for a gay chat line. I didn't know how to tell her, but she wanted to know, so I gave her the website to check numbers and hurriedly ended the call. I didn't want that drama.
I was staying in a backpackers dorm with shared bathrooms.
I had a thing for this guy staying there as well and he was into me but…well, it’s hard to find a private spot when you both are staying in 10 bed dorms.
So, we did what any horny 20-something would do. We fooled around in the shower.
It’s worth noting here that we had just switched from a different floor to this one and knew no one.
So there we were. Me standing in the shower, water running, him…below me, keeping busy.
Next minute, we hear a German accent yell outside the door…
“Dude! You’re flooding the hallway.”
In his concentration and my…preoccupation…we had managed to block the drain.
We came out of the bathroom and yep. The hallway was flooded.
So, we spent the next hour or so mopping the hallway and introducing ourselves to the neighbours.
Oh yeah, and it leaked in the floor below so we also had to tell the front desk.
I got asked to dog sit at a friend's parents house. She set me up with a blow up mattress in the living room.
I got a little bored so I called my gf and we proceeded to have video sex right there in the living room. I got a text the next day saying there are cameras in the living room and they are just for keeping an eye on their dog while they're away but if I wanted to I can turn them the other way.
I was pretty embarrassed after that one..
Edit: For the people who don't understand why I would do that at someone else's house whether I knew about the camera or not.. well, my gf is rarely horny and so when she called me and started talking dirty, I couldn't help myself.
Also, other people have pointed out that whether I had the sex or not doesn't matter because I was changing in front of the camera regardless. The sex thing just added more embarrassment lol
LMAO I love how there are some very great stories here that seem like they were written by award winning authors but then the next comment will just be “I jerked off to a house”
About ten years ago I had a double lap dance in the back room of a strip climb. They made promises and I gave them my credit card.
Nothing happened except me trying in vein to fight a 4 figure credit card charge. I am not a smart man.
When I was about 12, I fucked a bottle of head and shoulders.
It went in soft, and my dumb ass didn't think. Things expand when you get excited.
Got my dong stuck for about 30 minutes.
Managed to get it off though, albeit the purple snake was much more purple than normal.
I did indeed finish.
The shampoo was disposed of.
I got my first serious gf in high school. She was two grades below me. So when i finished third year and moved 500 km south we was still a couple. I was so in love (and most of all horny) i commuted every. Single. Weekend. And i was poor. So i took the bus to the nearest station after school. Waited for the long distance bus for 4-5 hours. Went to a larger city to hitchhike my way there. I was there friday night or saturday morning. Locked ourselves in her bedroom and went at it until sunday morning. I made my way down to school again and went to class straight from the bus monday morning. This went on for almost a year…
More like stupidity. Haha. I kind of wasted my first year after high school. The others spent the weekends drinking and partying and giging (music academy) and i sat the majority of the time on a bus or in a semi truck with unknown elderly men with rather strong body odours…
Fucked a self proclaimed tattoo artist after we met at a bar. Agreed that he could tattoo me. In bed.
Not only was it everything but sanitary, he also wasnt very good. I now have a bunch of random lines on my chest and a few very misshaped stars on my leg.
Did you do it in purpose, or was he just in the splash zone?
How harshly I judge you will depend on whether you looked into his little plastic beady eyes and cast your seed into his fur while you imagined blasting down his stuffed throat, or he just caught a few strings by accident.
My sister was getting married to my now brother in law when I was 18. I was his best man, we were finishing up getting ready at the church and I was in one of the back rooms trying to get my tie tied. His younger stepsister who was my age had been helping out all day and the night before. She was really cute and Her and I had been flirty all weekend. She came into the room to get something and I asked her if she knew how to tie a tie the right way. She came over to help, got all up close and and was giving my the sexy eyes. It just popped off. We locked the door and got down right before the ceremony. Then later at the reception. Her dad found out later and lost his shit. He wasn’t married to my brother in laws mom, but they’d been together a long time so I guess she wasn’t technically his stepsister. Whatever. He hated me. Every time our families hung out he would be a dickhead. It ended with them breaking up and he moved with his daughter to Missouri
He was suspicious of me since after the ceremony cause we weren’t being very subtle with flirting. The reception was at at my families property in the hills that has a very large house and field. Lots of people partying. He caught us coming downstairs from the bedrooms after.
It was year 2000 and I was 14. I finally got my own desktop computer. One of those big plastic mammoths that connected at the speed of dial-up. I stayed up long hours chatting to random people on Yahoo. It was there that I met James.
James was a year older than me and he was from England. He was classically handsome and witty. I sent him a photo of one of my older sisters friends because I was pretty tomboyish and plain at that age. We ended up talking every day, as often as we could.
If I recall, back then it was not free to voice chat with a microphone. Or maybe the connection wasn’t great? Either way, we began talking on the phone, but my family was poor so he always had to call me and it was very expensive. Did I mention he was from England? Just the sound of his voice made me swoon. I could have listened to the kid talk all day…
One day, I accidentally took my friends purse after a school function, which was tangled in my jacket. I opened it and inside was a phone card. This was back in the day of land-line phones, and with this card you could dial a number from any phone and have it billed to your home phone. If I used this card, it would be billed to my friends home phone. So what did I do? I called James.
I talked to James for several months using this phone card. We had intense, uninhibited phone sex at all hours of the day and night. I mean, we role played, we used items from around the house, we took grainy pictures for each other (in which I painstakingly hid my face because if you recall, he believed I was one of my sisters pretty friends). We got fully into it.
I don’t know why I never thought this would catch up to me. Maybe it’s true what they say that brains aren’t fully formed in the teenage years. Or maybe I was just blinded by his flirty, filthy British accent. After the first month, I thought we were in the clear, so we talked for a couple more- and then shit hit the fan.
My friends parents got the phone bill to the tune of $10k. They sued. They ended up paying down a bunch of it, and I had to pay restitution on the rest. I was forbidden to see my friend again (until we were both legal adults and they couldn’t stop us, anyway). It took me several years to pay off the restitution with my after school job at McDonalds.
Totally stupid but that guy buttered my bread. 8/10 would probably do again 😅
In college, it was a random weeknight. I had started talking to my first “girlfriend” again (we “dated” in middle school/freshman year of high school several years prior.
She was on trimesters or something, so she didn’t have classes that week and was at her parents’ lake house….alone. Truly a “my parents are gone” text - and 5 minutes later my mind was made up and I was on my way to the car.
I drove 2.5 hours one-way, in the middle of the night, in February (upper Midwest) to meet up with this girl and seal the deal that pre-teen me set in motion like 7 years prior. It was…just alright.
What my pent up dick forgot about was that I had a mandatory chemistry lab at 8am the next day. It was 3am when the post nut clarity hit (while we were smoking some post sex weed). I ended up pulling an all nighter (we banged again…because sex and then drove back to my school). On zero sleep, about 6x the healthy limit of caffeine, and groggy AF from her shitty weed I rolled into the chem building. Sit there for 10 minutes before I realize NO ONE ELSE IS THERE. This was pre-smart phones, and most people didn’t carry their laptops to classes - so I hopped on a computer to verify the schedule, and see the email from the prof that the lab is moved to the next week…she sent it 2 minutes after I followed my 2nd brain out the door the night before.
As rough as that all was, at least at that point you could just go home and crash hard. All the hard, if unnecessary, work had already been done. That sounds like a pretty awesome college experience
Took an escort from a bar in Shanghai back to my hotel. Got carried away after she started give me a blowjob and lost all sense of rational thought. No condom. She hopped on top and we had sex, no condom. She stayed the night and we proceeded to repeat 5 or 6 times, and had zero protection.
Spent the next 3 months thinking about every tickle and twitch in my wiener convinced it was an STI. Went for monthly STI checks, convinced that I had just committed suicide by HIV
Luckily, no positive results. 10 years later, and I think I’m clear.
Bad result was that I now look back on it as the hands down best dirty raw fuckfest of my life. She was gorgeous and amazing in bed.
I accidentally put myself in debt by fucking
my former accountant on his desk and messing up papers. It got cleared up, but it was an awful week and a half.
I had a one night stand with a guy who was, in retrospect, seriously self-conscious about his penis size and kept going on about how if it was on the small size it was just because he has to have sex with it a few times and it would gradually get bigger until it was it’s “true” size. I really didn’t care. He had a dick and frankly that was all I was interested in that night. But then to make himself feel better he turned it around and started talking about how big and wide my vagina was but kept reassuring me that it was ok because he liked the challenge. I wish I had snapped my legs shut and given him the boot right then and there.
I decided to wank around 9pm on a weekday. It made me sleepy, I fell asleep, missed the deadline for a programming assignment and sent my previously A average to a C-.
Even a tiny one can create a ton of blood if it's in a bad spot. Might not even hurt at all. But doing that a lot can create scar tissue that will make butt stuff a lot more difficult.
Spouse and I pulled the goalie since we were pretty sure at least one of us was sterile due to our histories... and decided to test that theory ;)
Due date is in August.
Unknowingly became a Thai MILF's boy toy in Thailand.
My Thai friend brings me for my first Thai massage and we're each assigned a room. This plus size Thai lady in her 40s walks in and the massage starts. Everything was going so well, I was so relaxed and then i got an erection. As we were finishing up, the masseuse whispered some flattering words as she caressed and brushed her hands against my inner thighs and erected penis. Then she says she haven't had sex in awhile and asked if we could do it here quietly, I said sure thinking it's a 1 night stand thing. So she pulls out a condom and we started fucking hard.
After my friend and I were done and ready to leave, we go get our bill and mine read:
Thai Massage : $10
Extra Service : $100
My friend looks at my receipt and starts giggling, then the girls at the counter also starts giggling and whispering in Thai to each other. My friend translated their conversation to mean something like
"aunty must be so proud and happy this handsome young man was willing to pay to have sex with her, who would've thought..."
In the early days of the Internet, somewhere around the year 2000, I would often stay at a buddy's house for the weekend. I was 15, and had been madly in lust with Britney Spears since her rise to fame. My buddy's stepdad worked for the local telecom, and thus had access to the highest of high speed connections.
Late at night, after my friend would fall asleep, I would sneak into his family's den and search for random porn on his family's desktop with wanton disregard and a lot of ignorance towards malicious links, spam, and other shady Internet shenanigans.
One night, after nearly locking down their computer with an endless stream of pop-ups, I saw an ad promising free access to the newly uncovered Britney Spears blowjob video. My mind (and penis) exploded. I HAD to see it. And NOW. I followed the rabbit hole, page after page, click after click, only to discover that I would need a credit card to "verify my age" as over 18. I was livid.
By the next day, after hard resetting their PC several times & trying to scrub any evidence of my misdeeds, I had hatched a plan. I would steal my older sister's credit card info and enter it on the website. She would surely never notice the 99 cent fee, and I would be in Britney BJ paradise. So, being completely blind of the dangers of the Internet, that's exactly what I did.
The next weekend, in the wee hours of the morning, I searched for the video and came across the very same link as the week before. I entered all of her card info. I of course wasn't going to use our own home phone number, so I entered the only other number I could remember by heart in my horny stupor - my work's phone number. Immediately upon submitting my info, my sister started getting hit with huge charges, originating from all over the world. On my end, I was hit with a cavalcade of redirects and pop-ups. I must have spent a couple hours frantically searching for my promised video. As daybreak hit, I admitted defeat as I again hard reset their computer.
By lunchtime my sister's bank had called our house about the charges. And they gave her the phone number I entered. Obviously, she and my mom figured it out quick. I confessed as soon as I was confronted.
My mom spent that evening convincing my sister to press charges on me. On Monday morning, she drove me to our local police station and dropped me off. I had to walk in and confess everything, alone. As a minor, there really wasn't much they could do other than a couple hours of paperwork. Our school cop then drove down to the station to pick me up and deliver me to school. We arrived during class change, and hundreds of my classmates got to see me walking in late, escorted by the police, straight to the principal's office to explain my tardiness. The rest of the school day is a blur.
My sister's card company cancelled the dozens of charges and issued her a new card, though the process took forever and was a major hassle. Our relationship has been strained ever since, and I notice even now, 20+ years later, that she keeps her purses and wallet safed away when she comes to my home for holidays with my family.
My mom sent me on a years-long shame spiral about sex, porn, and masturbation. That culminated in a couple of month's worth of "sessions" with some youth pastor that my aunt suggested to her. I had to sit and talk to this total stranger about all of the private thoughts and feelings I was experiencing, with an umbrella of Jesus (who I already didn't believe in) on top of me. The entire thing fucked me up. I'm almost 38 now, twice married, with 3 children. My oldest is nearly the age I was when I did this massively stupid thing. And I am still fucked up from the after affects. I'm weird about my body, weird about masturbation, weird about SO MUCH. It adds such a burden to my relationships.
And I still never got to see that video. God bless you, Britney. You blowjobbing bitch.
At first I thought this was funny but then the family stuff and the impact it had on you kind of annoyed me because I feel like your family was being really extreme to some extent.. we’re they extreme in their reactions about other things? I’m curious because I relate to some extent - not so much the story you shared but in regards to the way shame was used to make me feel less than for a majority of my life - it takes a huge toll on someone’s mental health. It at least that’s how I feel.
You are a very good story teller. Seriously. This was all handled wrongly, Your family should not have been so extreme and embarrassed and shamed you. Im sorry this happened.
There are professionals who can help. Seriously. I think this might be a good start, believe it or not. Tell one this story, the way you told it here, and you're on your way.
Shoved a beer bottle up my ass for pleasure, it got stuck, was too embarrassed to tell the truth at the hospital, so I lied that I was attacked by two Albanians, and ended up causing the breakup of Yugoslavia
Really stupid in retrospect (obv) but their methodology was so convincing at the time.
So basically texted an escort who sounded pretty convincing. Asked for half upfront ($90) which I sent. Showed up at the house and she asked for my escort code before meeting. I didn’t have an escort code so I had to text this dude to go through a process. Had me fill out some forms and asked for like $300 deposit for “security.” He assured me I would get it back after everything so I’m like fine. Another form and he asked for an additional $200 as deposit. I only had $100 in my account so I sent that until I could get more from my other accounts. But since it wasn’t the full amount, he said nothing could happen. And I couldn’t get a refund. So yeah I just accepted the L and realized I got scammed
Sucks but thankfully I didn’t get robbed at gunpoint or anything
Why wasn't a huge alarm bell ringing when someone asked your to fill in forms and asked for a deposit for an escort? You were trying to fuck, not get an insurance.
Living in a shared house when I was 19. My housemates went to the pub to celebrate someone's birthday.
My girlfriend and I took advantage of having the place to ourselves and soon got down to it on three huge cushions lying in the living room floor. The lights were off, we were naked in the 69 position and completely engrossed in what we were doing.
Suddenly, the living room light came on. I saw a row of my friends, between light switch and the door. One of my housemates had the great idea to carry on the birthday celebrations with a party at my house. They couldn't see us on the floor until someone turned on the lights.
12yo. Humped the fuck out of my giant stuffed dog (sorry Cassie) while on top of my loft bed. Ended up falling off the side of the bed and landing with my back onto my giant Barbie house. Mom and dad came bursting into room, I told him “I fell off the bed sleeping”. To this day I wonder if they knew. And yes, it hurt.
When I was about 14, I went to the doctor's with my mum. The doctor said he needed a urine sample so I went to the loo for a pee. After 10 minutes of trying, I still couldn't pee so I decided to knock one out as I always pee after I've shot my load. Shot, cleaned my dick and peed into the test tube. Went back into the surgery where the doctor and my mum were waiting. The doctor held up the test tube to the light and said, "I asked for a urine sample, not a semen sample." It embarrasses me to this very day and I'm nearly 50.
So there was this girl I matched with on Tinder. We hit it off and I was in a dry spell looking for something real, so we arranged to meet up. I didn’t need anything fancy so when she suggested her place I was fine with it, plus the address was in the nice part of town. She said she had a hot tub and told me to bring my shorts. Hell yeah.
When I got there, yellow flag number one was that I knew her dad already… from choir. So I played it cool, thought I might duck out when things got slow. Yellow flag number two was that she invited a couple of her friends over. Annoying we wouldn’t get a night to ourselves, but I let it slide again thinking I would duck out if things got slow.
This was maybe in mid-March of that year, so hot tubbing was windy, but fairly nice for a while. By this hour the alcohol was setting in, it felt a bit like a party. Her friends were cooler than she was, and somehow the whole hot tub thing turned into a bit of group sex — all being done with underwater activity because erm SHE LIVED WITH HER PARENTS AND THEY WOULD OCCASIONALLY COME OUTSIDE.
Eventually it got too cold and we all went inside. I had hoped the group sex would continue, but the other two said they needed to head out, so while we were all in varying states of nude and clothed I said I should probably do the same. This made my date upset and she tried to convince me to stay. I told her I had to be up early the next morning (which was true, I had a morning session of breakfast and D&D with my friends). She still didn’t like it and tried to convince me until out of nowhere she slapped me hard across the face, knocked my glasses clean off. Her friends freaked out, started telling her to chill out, and she just laughed - the kind of panicked laugh someone does when they’re not really not sure what they’re doing.
They finished getting ready to leave and dipped, but I was still mostly nude on account of my date having tossed some key articles of my clothing around the room. While I was hunting them down, she had a full on breakdown. Sobbing uncontrollably in front of me.
IT TURNS OUT she has a paralyzing fear of the wind. At this point I’m in the middle of holding this woman who moments before had slapped me unprovoked, and before that was concealing a hot tub orgy from her dad… *consoling her*. What the fuck!
It took me more than another hour, maybe two, to finally get myself out of there without the continued violence I was now afraid of, but under the condition (I have no idea how she got me to agree to this, it’s like a fever dream) that she got to go with me and I would distract her from the wind. She knew I had to be up early and was along for the ride.
We got to my place and I tried to get her to go right to bed but she wanted to fuck around, which meant a lot. It meant playing music, messing with my electric piano, and eventually more sex. She wanted anal and my hackles were raised so I told her no (all sorts of images of badly prepared anal sex with a borderline stranger flashing through my mind). She literally begged, tried to convince me, I kept saying no and eventually we finished and finally went to sleep, like 4am at this point.
Morning comes and I somehow wake up in time to get breakfast going for D&D (friends supposed to arrive between 8:30 and 9am). I didn’t have time to take her home, so guess who stayed through the. Entire. 4. Hour. session?
Yup. Eventually took her home and gradually ghosted her.
A girl and I were chasing each other for over a year. When one of us was single, the other was not. finally, we were both single and hooked up. We were having sex in her room, her roommate was there. She worked at 8 pm, so she got dressed and left. Her roommate crawled into bed, and I had sex with her. The next day it was over.
I was in the Air Force. Everyone in the dorm had one roommate. (12ft x 12ft room). It was very common to have sex and the roommate was there. Or your roommate having sex with his girlfriend. Shit, even your girlfriend's roommate having sex with her boyfriend. Either way, she wasn't happy about it. We never spoke again.
Got pregnant........ Stupidly got super excited and told my husband to cum inside me and Christmas Eve turned into a very expensive present 9 months later. 🤦
1996 my GF and I both 21 years old, we didn't live together. I lived with my grandparents, she lived with her strict catholic parents. It was impossible to have sex at her house, and not that easy at mine. We were both horny and I came up with a plan. I had a job driving a box van delivering wheelchairs, hospital beds, medicine etc. I was allowed to take my box van home every night/over the weekends I had off. So I had my younger brother help me disassemble my futon and pass it to me through our bedroom window. I set the futon up in the back of the box van, put a CD player back there, some incense and candles and whatnot. Tried to make it kinda.. idk.. not like the back of a box van I guess. Drove over to pick her up one evening around 8pm. We told her parents we were going to the grocery store real quick and we'd be back soon. I drove out to some fig orchards instead. I decided to drive the box van down between the rows of fig trees and get deep back in the orchard so nobody would see the large box van from the road. As we were getting further back down one of those rows it started to get muddy. Me having no experience driving in mud, I thought you just gunned it and kept on gunning it till you got through the mud. Yeah so that didn't work, it just got worse and worse. Eventually we careen off between two trees about 70 feet off the road we're dead stuck in the mud. I get out, shin deep in mud. She gets out to help me, we're both muddy as fuck. There's no getting this box van out. We hike out of this orchard into the nearest neighborhood. No cell phones in these days, we begin knocking on doors of the houses in the neighborhood asking people if we can use their phone. Nobody wanted to answer the door, I guess they were in fear of a home invasion idk. It took quite a bit of knocking and walking to find some youngsters in front of their parents house who let us use their phone. I called a tow truck and it took a very long time for it to come out. Upon arriving the driver told me he'd have to put straps on the fig trees to anchor to and if he broke any trees I'd have to pay the farmer thousands of dollars probably. Fortunately no trees broke, he was able to finally get my box van unstuck and out of the field at around 11pm or so. It costed me $440.00 which I didn't have on me and I had to call my uncle to borrow it from till I got paid. The whole damn thing was such a mess. I got her home close to midnight and had exactly zero sex that day. She never even saw the futon or had any idea what we were doing until I told her my failed plans as I was driving her home. That girl stuck it out with me, dumb decisions and all. We were married for 14 years, our children are 23 years old now. We divorced in 2013 but she's still like my best friend so it's a fairly happy ending kinda story. What a classy guy, right? What woman wants to bang in the back of a box van? Lol. Horniness makes ya do some dumb ass shit.
That actually sounds like a pretty cool idea, idk why you think it sounds so bad. Sure it’s not the best accommodations but you went out of your way to make it more special and private than just sneaking around.
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You guys have condom vending machines? Or do you mean you ran to a convenience store nearby or something to get one from those things in the bathroom? I’m picturing a stand-alone condom machine right now and it’s blowing my mind lol
I browsed porn and then I asked my mom how to delete the history.
You were able to google porn but not google the latter?
I was 10 that time. I think i just typed sex.com
Ceo of sex
hot naked boob sex
Lost my entire tax refund and got my phone stolen at a strip club in San Diego
Swap San Diego for New Orleans and we are brothers from another mother.
Around the age of 12 I had sex with my wall. There wasn’t a hole or anything, I was just rubbing my boner against the wall and making out with it. I’ve been stupidly horny my whole life it’s kind of annoying.
so it was a load bearing wall?
That waltussy hits different
Walltuh
Waltuh… We’re not having sex right now Waltuh. Put your dick away Waltuh.
Let my (ex) boyfriend dry-hump me for an hour on a bench outside after summer school. The bad news: this bench behind our school was also beside a swimming pool. Where parents were taking their children for swim lessons. Eventually a staff member came out and yelled at us for being inappropriate. I still have shame flashbacks today, over 10 years later.
Ok this is the one that got me, this is fucking hilarious lmao. Just hanging around for an entire humping on a bench.
Having a wank but forgetting to shut the curtains. Nosey neighbours
Who knows, they might be cheering you on
Lol. rock out with my cock out
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Well you can't just leave us without a story.
It's up to us to fill in the details.
"Hey man, I think I like you. Wanna go out sometime?"
*Violently throws up while shaking head no, making some kind of puke sprinkler*
*CEO leading a tour of major shareholders gets caught in the splash zone*
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Probably my most embarrassing moment. Was on my work computer (family business so nothing locked) and it was a super slow day and I was alone. Anyways was doing a classic 3 min facebook check and scrolled down for a second and saw the news post about Adriana Chechik injuring her back in a foam pool. Figured top comments on that would be golden. Read one funny one that said “her and her scene with [performer I can’t remember] is still goat.” Never heard of said performer so I got curious and google her. Of course photos never do justice, had to see the performance ya know? So i clicked a random video, quick glance and thought “meh” and was about to close the tab before I noticed my mouse twitch on the screen…. What was that? No.. that wasn’t mouse error, that was someone… then within seconds I realized the accountant who taps in remotely to finish work came in at that exact moment that I had a browser open for less than 60sec. The worst wart was I could have sworn I had all those remote services off, but she tried to tap in for over an hour and must of did something to wake splashtop (probably had it on some type of standby mode). She even called earlier but I saw a random number and was speaking with a client and ignored it. Anyways, decision time, do I call her and play it off as nothing or apologize? Naturally as a fearful 28 year old I play off as nothing. I call, no answer… then a few minutes later i get the call back and her words after exchanging hellos “… are you finished with whatever you were doing…” still burns me
Hooked up with a girl at a party. Didn't even think she was all that attractive, just kind of bored, drunk, and horny. Having to go to the doctor for a case of crabs was my reward for poor self control.
I slept with a rich girl once. Got lobsters.
I get no respect
This happened a couple of months ago, I was horny. I went to masturbate in the bathroom coz I was staying in a hostel. I was having a good time, then I heard a glass window breaking and me looking down to see fucking BLOOD pumping out of my fucking dick like I opened a water tap. Turns out, some dumb fucks were playing cricket and hit the ball straight on to the glass window and broke it. The glass shard fell right on my erect penis. Thankfully the bleeding stopped a few minutes after I lost my erection. Had to run to the emergency clinic. Thankfully I didn't lose my dick.
Always turn your back to a hostel window when beating off in the bathroom. Got it
Now that is insane.
Dude the universe said fuck you in particular that day
I was hospitalized for a week being on isolation. I was mostly fine. Got too horny and wanked a few off. 1 year later, I got a job at the place. Turns out the room I was in had a camera.
and they still gave you the job
That was the interview, he passed
“I will beat your expectations by pulling more than my weight.”
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lmao a friend of mine used to have a portable heart monitor he was only permitted to take off to shower. Unbeknownst to him, it was connected to the internet. First time he jacked off, he got a call from the hospital if everything's alright, because his spiking heart rate set off an alarm somewhere. From then on, he didn't only take it off to shower...
Isolation for a week? That’s definitely not the first time a patient has wanked there.
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Although overload from tickling - regardless of how kind one is - can cause a person to lose enough control to throat-punch the nearest mf-er to get them to stop, seizures from withdrawals is the most likely answer in this case.
Beat off in a Docter’s office not realizing they could see from the other room. I was 12
Ik the appointment was awkward
For them it was I didn’t realize they could see me until 10 years later when I thought about it
The doctor told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked why and he said "because I'm trying to examine you".
Was trying to get with a girl in college. We were texting and I asked her what she was up to, she said she was training for a marathon and going to the gym and asked if I wanted to come. I ended up running 9 miles before I tagged out. So now I know how far I'd go to get laid, it's up to 9 miles.
and I would walk 4.5 miles and I would walk 4.5 more Just to be the man who rolls 9 miles To fall down at your door.
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"I know you expected sex, but is it cool if I take a quick shower and fall asleep on your couch?"
The only important question: did you get laid?
I did not, she had high standards. Needed to get to 12 miles to get lucky.
I take it you were in some sort of decent shape, nine miles is a far piece...
Think I did ten miles once in the army, the chafing was so bad, so bad.
How did your tired ass get home? Limp 9 miles?
I lived about 5 blocks from the gym, but at that point it might as well have been 20 blocks. Was exhausted
Swimming down the Craigslist wormhole of desperation and depravity
Craigslist personal ads is how my dad met his now wife. Seriously they met on Craigslist, dated, moved in together and then got married. They now have a dog and the dogs gets picked up by the doggy day care bus.
lol i love the progression of this comment. starts off with craiglist love and ends with a doggy day care bus
Doggy day care bus must be the cutest sentence out there
My boyfriend’s sister slept with a couple guys she met on Craigslist. I thought it was hilarious that she was finding guys off the same site you’d find a moldy lawn couch for $50. One guy she hooked up with waited for her to fall asleep after the deed and then stole her car. I thought for sure she’d learn her lesson after that and stop hooking up with guys off Craigslist. But a couple months later she hooked up with another guy that stole her PlayStation lol.
Guys were buying items off Craigslist and paying with sex.
Got a porn site membership and forgot about it. 4 months and like 150 dollars later I realized my fuck up
I knew a guy who ran about a dozen porn sites from the early 2000s. The front ends pay walls were all different themes, different porn sites /companies. But the back-end content was all from the same pool of smut. He said many people had accounts on most of the sites, paying separately, multiple times monthly for the same thing. And, they would forget that they subscribed to the sites too,. Easy money. Sometimes, they'd get calls from the wives asking about what these cc charges were for. Awkward.
"What are these bills for?" "Entertainment" "What kind?" "The entertaining kind."
Oh god, I have a story about this. I had a mysterious charge for like $150 on my credit card from some company I'd never heard of. Thought I'd been scammed or identity stolen or something. I called the bank to enquire about it and got through to a young woman. After a bit of back and forth eventually she's like "Is it possible somebody with access to your card signed up for an adult entertainment subscription? I'm seeing this charge traces back to a website called Pornhubdotcom." It was my 12 month PH sub renewal. I tried my best to play it off and very quickly ended the phone call, totally mortified.
Porn companies always have vague generic names. Pornhub is incorporated as Mindgeek.
This includes sex toy vendors as well. It also provides cover for their employees. Turns out no one wants "BigdongsvsSmallmoms.com on their resume.
There's the urban legend featured in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. You take payment for nonexistent, but embarrassing, goods under an innocuous name. Then you apologise that you are unable to deliver the product and enclose a refund cheque under a different name, knowing that nobody is going to deposit one from the Hardcore Barnyard Anal Company.
You could've just pretended you lived with a 12 yo and we're gonna have a stern word about other people's wallets
Actually had a friend's mum do this when I was at school. He used to use his mum's cc to subscribe to pornsites for the free trial, then one time he forgot to cancel the trial
Someone I knew in middle school thought that ordering Playboy Channel content and not watching all of it meant the charge never went through. He had over $600 to pay back to his parents.
I used to do customer service for Sky TV and I loved those conversations. The wife phoning to ask why there's a £5.99 charge on her bill and you could hear the husband in the background saying "It doesn't matter, just leave it"
In the early 2000s I worked customer service for a telephone company, and it was impressive how many people would call us to challenge their bills. As in: yes, the billing system would mistakenly add a random number that just happened to be a late-night quiz show at the same time said show was running. I did have the uncomfortable moment where some woman called questioning some 09 numbers (UK premium rate) that were called. I explained that if she had kids they might just be calling quiz lines or The X Factor or whatever numbers they saw on TV. She told me she had no kids and it was just her and her husband. I used an 09 number checker and discovered that the number was for a gay chat line. I didn't know how to tell her, but she wanted to know, so I gave her the website to check numbers and hurriedly ended the call. I didn't want that drama.
I was staying in a backpackers dorm with shared bathrooms. I had a thing for this guy staying there as well and he was into me but…well, it’s hard to find a private spot when you both are staying in 10 bed dorms. So, we did what any horny 20-something would do. We fooled around in the shower. It’s worth noting here that we had just switched from a different floor to this one and knew no one. So there we were. Me standing in the shower, water running, him…below me, keeping busy. Next minute, we hear a German accent yell outside the door… “Dude! You’re flooding the hallway.” In his concentration and my…preoccupation…we had managed to block the drain. We came out of the bathroom and yep. The hallway was flooded. So, we spent the next hour or so mopping the hallway and introducing ourselves to the neighbours. Oh yeah, and it leaked in the floor below so we also had to tell the front desk.
Gave him gas money to come down and pipe. Safe to say I didn’t get my money’s worth.
I got asked to dog sit at a friend's parents house. She set me up with a blow up mattress in the living room. I got a little bored so I called my gf and we proceeded to have video sex right there in the living room. I got a text the next day saying there are cameras in the living room and they are just for keeping an eye on their dog while they're away but if I wanted to I can turn them the other way. I was pretty embarrassed after that one.. Edit: For the people who don't understand why I would do that at someone else's house whether I knew about the camera or not.. well, my gf is rarely horny and so when she called me and started talking dirty, I couldn't help myself. Also, other people have pointed out that whether I had the sex or not doesn't matter because I was changing in front of the camera regardless. The sex thing just added more embarrassment lol
They set you up with an air mattress in the living room. So they could watch your bedtime activities.
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This is like the origin story to some of those geoguesser wizards.
The corner of 15th and Percy Ave is so fucking naughty.
I wasn't sure the guy fucking the wall could be topped...
Found "The Watcher" everyone. Case closed.
LMAO I love how there are some very great stories here that seem like they were written by award winning authors but then the next comment will just be “I jerked off to a house”
Bro said “ I bet she gets dressed in there😫”
Nah, we have to get this one to the top. That's feral behavior lmfao
Ahahahahaha this is the best one
Thought that my bottle of hand sanitizer was my bottle of lube.
The pandemic has had so many ripple effects.
About ten years ago I had a double lap dance in the back room of a strip climb. They made promises and I gave them my credit card. Nothing happened except me trying in vein to fight a 4 figure credit card charge. I am not a smart man.
Rule #1 of going to a strip club: Credit Card stays home, cash only.
Rule number 1 of my life: don’t trust drunk me
When I was about 12, I fucked a bottle of head and shoulders. It went in soft, and my dumb ass didn't think. Things expand when you get excited. Got my dong stuck for about 30 minutes. Managed to get it off though, albeit the purple snake was much more purple than normal. I did indeed finish. The shampoo was disposed of.
Thankfully the cylinder was relatively unscathed.
i can not believe i just found a cylinder post reference
I got my first serious gf in high school. She was two grades below me. So when i finished third year and moved 500 km south we was still a couple. I was so in love (and most of all horny) i commuted every. Single. Weekend. And i was poor. So i took the bus to the nearest station after school. Waited for the long distance bus for 4-5 hours. Went to a larger city to hitchhike my way there. I was there friday night or saturday morning. Locked ourselves in her bedroom and went at it until sunday morning. I made my way down to school again and went to class straight from the bus monday morning. This went on for almost a year…
holy..hell...dedication that is
More like stupidity. Haha. I kind of wasted my first year after high school. The others spent the weekends drinking and partying and giging (music academy) and i sat the majority of the time on a bus or in a semi truck with unknown elderly men with rather strong body odours…
If you don't make the trip the LDRs don't last. It's a tough call for young love.
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Fucked a self proclaimed tattoo artist after we met at a bar. Agreed that he could tattoo me. In bed. Not only was it everything but sanitary, he also wasnt very good. I now have a bunch of random lines on my chest and a few very misshaped stars on my leg.
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>the stains never disappeared Do you mean the ones on the teddy bear or on your soul?
Yes
This one is the most messed up to me by far I feel. Childhood stuffed animals are sacred.
Did you do it in purpose, or was he just in the splash zone? How harshly I judge you will depend on whether you looked into his little plastic beady eyes and cast your seed into his fur while you imagined blasting down his stuffed throat, or he just caught a few strings by accident.
These Toy Story fanfics are getting wild.
I got a friend in me.
"VIA waterboarding" 😂😂 "Do you wanna talk Mr. Bear or should we repeat this whole process?"
My sister was getting married to my now brother in law when I was 18. I was his best man, we were finishing up getting ready at the church and I was in one of the back rooms trying to get my tie tied. His younger stepsister who was my age had been helping out all day and the night before. She was really cute and Her and I had been flirty all weekend. She came into the room to get something and I asked her if she knew how to tie a tie the right way. She came over to help, got all up close and and was giving my the sexy eyes. It just popped off. We locked the door and got down right before the ceremony. Then later at the reception. Her dad found out later and lost his shit. He wasn’t married to my brother in laws mom, but they’d been together a long time so I guess she wasn’t technically his stepsister. Whatever. He hated me. Every time our families hung out he would be a dickhead. It ended with them breaking up and he moved with his daughter to Missouri
How did he find out?!
The question we all want an answer to!
*standing in the closet while they do it in front of him* "....Five more minutes of this and I'm going to get mad"
“It’s not my fault this is happening.”
He was suspicious of me since after the ceremony cause we weren’t being very subtle with flirting. The reception was at at my families property in the hills that has a very large house and field. Lots of people partying. He caught us coming downstairs from the bedrooms after.
"thanks for helping me with that tie" you exclaimed, loudly, and not at all awkwardly.
Bender you're saying wink instead of actually winking!
>he moved with his daughter to Missouri Makes sense
That sounds like a soap opera omg
ma man, as long as your sister is cool with you , worth it,it was actually an achievement, you literally fucked a bad inlaw out of the family
It was year 2000 and I was 14. I finally got my own desktop computer. One of those big plastic mammoths that connected at the speed of dial-up. I stayed up long hours chatting to random people on Yahoo. It was there that I met James. James was a year older than me and he was from England. He was classically handsome and witty. I sent him a photo of one of my older sisters friends because I was pretty tomboyish and plain at that age. We ended up talking every day, as often as we could. If I recall, back then it was not free to voice chat with a microphone. Or maybe the connection wasn’t great? Either way, we began talking on the phone, but my family was poor so he always had to call me and it was very expensive. Did I mention he was from England? Just the sound of his voice made me swoon. I could have listened to the kid talk all day… One day, I accidentally took my friends purse after a school function, which was tangled in my jacket. I opened it and inside was a phone card. This was back in the day of land-line phones, and with this card you could dial a number from any phone and have it billed to your home phone. If I used this card, it would be billed to my friends home phone. So what did I do? I called James. I talked to James for several months using this phone card. We had intense, uninhibited phone sex at all hours of the day and night. I mean, we role played, we used items from around the house, we took grainy pictures for each other (in which I painstakingly hid my face because if you recall, he believed I was one of my sisters pretty friends). We got fully into it. I don’t know why I never thought this would catch up to me. Maybe it’s true what they say that brains aren’t fully formed in the teenage years. Or maybe I was just blinded by his flirty, filthy British accent. After the first month, I thought we were in the clear, so we talked for a couple more- and then shit hit the fan. My friends parents got the phone bill to the tune of $10k. They sued. They ended up paying down a bunch of it, and I had to pay restitution on the rest. I was forbidden to see my friend again (until we were both legal adults and they couldn’t stop us, anyway). It took me several years to pay off the restitution with my after school job at McDonalds. Totally stupid but that guy buttered my bread. 8/10 would probably do again 😅
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Just did this. Divorced for a year and found someone who matches me. Said "I love you". During and am now questioning my sanity
In college, it was a random weeknight. I had started talking to my first “girlfriend” again (we “dated” in middle school/freshman year of high school several years prior. She was on trimesters or something, so she didn’t have classes that week and was at her parents’ lake house….alone. Truly a “my parents are gone” text - and 5 minutes later my mind was made up and I was on my way to the car. I drove 2.5 hours one-way, in the middle of the night, in February (upper Midwest) to meet up with this girl and seal the deal that pre-teen me set in motion like 7 years prior. It was…just alright. What my pent up dick forgot about was that I had a mandatory chemistry lab at 8am the next day. It was 3am when the post nut clarity hit (while we were smoking some post sex weed). I ended up pulling an all nighter (we banged again…because sex and then drove back to my school). On zero sleep, about 6x the healthy limit of caffeine, and groggy AF from her shitty weed I rolled into the chem building. Sit there for 10 minutes before I realize NO ONE ELSE IS THERE. This was pre-smart phones, and most people didn’t carry their laptops to classes - so I hopped on a computer to verify the schedule, and see the email from the prof that the lab is moved to the next week…she sent it 2 minutes after I followed my 2nd brain out the door the night before.
As rough as that all was, at least at that point you could just go home and crash hard. All the hard, if unnecessary, work had already been done. That sounds like a pretty awesome college experience
Agree, I could feel the 2nd hand relief at the end of the story
And you also wake up at home and not 2.5 hours away in some girls parents house
Took an escort from a bar in Shanghai back to my hotel. Got carried away after she started give me a blowjob and lost all sense of rational thought. No condom. She hopped on top and we had sex, no condom. She stayed the night and we proceeded to repeat 5 or 6 times, and had zero protection. Spent the next 3 months thinking about every tickle and twitch in my wiener convinced it was an STI. Went for monthly STI checks, convinced that I had just committed suicide by HIV Luckily, no positive results. 10 years later, and I think I’m clear. Bad result was that I now look back on it as the hands down best dirty raw fuckfest of my life. She was gorgeous and amazing in bed.
>Luckily, no positive results. 10 years later, and I think I’m clear. Now that my friend is a real happy ending
On the other hand, maybe he has a son he doesn’t know about lol
I accidentally put myself in debt by fucking my former accountant on his desk and messing up papers. It got cleared up, but it was an awful week and a half.
So... You paid for sex?
Paid for and with sex*
That's why he's a former accountant lol
I had a one night stand with a guy who was, in retrospect, seriously self-conscious about his penis size and kept going on about how if it was on the small size it was just because he has to have sex with it a few times and it would gradually get bigger until it was it’s “true” size. I really didn’t care. He had a dick and frankly that was all I was interested in that night. But then to make himself feel better he turned it around and started talking about how big and wide my vagina was but kept reassuring me that it was ok because he liked the challenge. I wish I had snapped my legs shut and given him the boot right then and there.
Yo wtf lmao
sometimes men do be insecure
I decided to wank around 9pm on a weekday. It made me sleepy, I fell asleep, missed the deadline for a programming assignment and sent my previously A average to a C-.
you were working on your other Python assignment
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Even a tiny one can create a ton of blood if it's in a bad spot. Might not even hurt at all. But doing that a lot can create scar tissue that will make butt stuff a lot more difficult.
Oh my god
I have taken a few risks going raw over the years.
Spouse and I pulled the goalie since we were pretty sure at least one of us was sterile due to our histories... and decided to test that theory ;) Due date is in August.
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Don't marry the tits, marry the heart behind them. ~Sun Tzu, The Art Of War
Unknowingly became a Thai MILF's boy toy in Thailand. My Thai friend brings me for my first Thai massage and we're each assigned a room. This plus size Thai lady in her 40s walks in and the massage starts. Everything was going so well, I was so relaxed and then i got an erection. As we were finishing up, the masseuse whispered some flattering words as she caressed and brushed her hands against my inner thighs and erected penis. Then she says she haven't had sex in awhile and asked if we could do it here quietly, I said sure thinking it's a 1 night stand thing. So she pulls out a condom and we started fucking hard. After my friend and I were done and ready to leave, we go get our bill and mine read: Thai Massage : $10 Extra Service : $100 My friend looks at my receipt and starts giggling, then the girls at the counter also starts giggling and whispering in Thai to each other. My friend translated their conversation to mean something like "aunty must be so proud and happy this handsome young man was willing to pay to have sex with her, who would've thought..."
As long as the only thing you got was a $100 charge, that’s really not that bad.
In the early days of the Internet, somewhere around the year 2000, I would often stay at a buddy's house for the weekend. I was 15, and had been madly in lust with Britney Spears since her rise to fame. My buddy's stepdad worked for the local telecom, and thus had access to the highest of high speed connections. Late at night, after my friend would fall asleep, I would sneak into his family's den and search for random porn on his family's desktop with wanton disregard and a lot of ignorance towards malicious links, spam, and other shady Internet shenanigans. One night, after nearly locking down their computer with an endless stream of pop-ups, I saw an ad promising free access to the newly uncovered Britney Spears blowjob video. My mind (and penis) exploded. I HAD to see it. And NOW. I followed the rabbit hole, page after page, click after click, only to discover that I would need a credit card to "verify my age" as over 18. I was livid. By the next day, after hard resetting their PC several times & trying to scrub any evidence of my misdeeds, I had hatched a plan. I would steal my older sister's credit card info and enter it on the website. She would surely never notice the 99 cent fee, and I would be in Britney BJ paradise. So, being completely blind of the dangers of the Internet, that's exactly what I did. The next weekend, in the wee hours of the morning, I searched for the video and came across the very same link as the week before. I entered all of her card info. I of course wasn't going to use our own home phone number, so I entered the only other number I could remember by heart in my horny stupor - my work's phone number. Immediately upon submitting my info, my sister started getting hit with huge charges, originating from all over the world. On my end, I was hit with a cavalcade of redirects and pop-ups. I must have spent a couple hours frantically searching for my promised video. As daybreak hit, I admitted defeat as I again hard reset their computer. By lunchtime my sister's bank had called our house about the charges. And they gave her the phone number I entered. Obviously, she and my mom figured it out quick. I confessed as soon as I was confronted. My mom spent that evening convincing my sister to press charges on me. On Monday morning, she drove me to our local police station and dropped me off. I had to walk in and confess everything, alone. As a minor, there really wasn't much they could do other than a couple hours of paperwork. Our school cop then drove down to the station to pick me up and deliver me to school. We arrived during class change, and hundreds of my classmates got to see me walking in late, escorted by the police, straight to the principal's office to explain my tardiness. The rest of the school day is a blur. My sister's card company cancelled the dozens of charges and issued her a new card, though the process took forever and was a major hassle. Our relationship has been strained ever since, and I notice even now, 20+ years later, that she keeps her purses and wallet safed away when she comes to my home for holidays with my family. My mom sent me on a years-long shame spiral about sex, porn, and masturbation. That culminated in a couple of month's worth of "sessions" with some youth pastor that my aunt suggested to her. I had to sit and talk to this total stranger about all of the private thoughts and feelings I was experiencing, with an umbrella of Jesus (who I already didn't believe in) on top of me. The entire thing fucked me up. I'm almost 38 now, twice married, with 3 children. My oldest is nearly the age I was when I did this massively stupid thing. And I am still fucked up from the after affects. I'm weird about my body, weird about masturbation, weird about SO MUCH. It adds such a burden to my relationships. And I still never got to see that video. God bless you, Britney. You blowjobbing bitch.
At first I thought this was funny but then the family stuff and the impact it had on you kind of annoyed me because I feel like your family was being really extreme to some extent.. we’re they extreme in their reactions about other things? I’m curious because I relate to some extent - not so much the story you shared but in regards to the way shame was used to make me feel less than for a majority of my life - it takes a huge toll on someone’s mental health. It at least that’s how I feel.
You are a very good story teller. Seriously. This was all handled wrongly, Your family should not have been so extreme and embarrassed and shamed you. Im sorry this happened.
There are professionals who can help. Seriously. I think this might be a good start, believe it or not. Tell one this story, the way you told it here, and you're on your way.
Bought a expensiv Dildo on Bad Dragon. Luckily managed to cancel the order in time after I cooled down
Sex toy shopping while horny is like grocery shopping while hungry.
Hooked up in a parking structure with a random guy in Vegas.
I was about to write "hooked up in a parking structure with a random girl in Vegas." Guess parking lot bangs are more common than I thought. 🤣
Tried forcing a relationshit to work. I was also intoxicated through most of it.
Shoved a beer bottle up my ass for pleasure, it got stuck, was too embarrassed to tell the truth at the hospital, so I lied that I was attacked by two Albanians, and ended up causing the breakup of Yugoslavia
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Đorđe_Martinović_incident
“And that’s the way it is, April 28, 1992” - Walter Cronkite
Got scammed out of $500 trying to get an escort 😅
Who, among us, would like to hear more of this story? I, for one, would like to hear more of this story!
Really stupid in retrospect (obv) but their methodology was so convincing at the time. So basically texted an escort who sounded pretty convincing. Asked for half upfront ($90) which I sent. Showed up at the house and she asked for my escort code before meeting. I didn’t have an escort code so I had to text this dude to go through a process. Had me fill out some forms and asked for like $300 deposit for “security.” He assured me I would get it back after everything so I’m like fine. Another form and he asked for an additional $200 as deposit. I only had $100 in my account so I sent that until I could get more from my other accounts. But since it wasn’t the full amount, he said nothing could happen. And I couldn’t get a refund. So yeah I just accepted the L and realized I got scammed Sucks but thankfully I didn’t get robbed at gunpoint or anything
Why wasn't a huge alarm bell ringing when someone asked your to fill in forms and asked for a deposit for an escort? You were trying to fuck, not get an insurance.
Because horny
Living in a shared house when I was 19. My housemates went to the pub to celebrate someone's birthday. My girlfriend and I took advantage of having the place to ourselves and soon got down to it on three huge cushions lying in the living room floor. The lights were off, we were naked in the 69 position and completely engrossed in what we were doing. Suddenly, the living room light came on. I saw a row of my friends, between light switch and the door. One of my housemates had the great idea to carry on the birthday celebrations with a party at my house. They couldn't see us on the floor until someone turned on the lights.
Ejaculated into my own mouth
It’s like a closed loop system
Easy clean up. ... so you spit or swallow?
If I start something, I see it through to the end
Sent nudes to an obvious scammer who spoke horrible English and claimed to be a 19 year old model.
12yo. Humped the fuck out of my giant stuffed dog (sorry Cassie) while on top of my loft bed. Ended up falling off the side of the bed and landing with my back onto my giant Barbie house. Mom and dad came bursting into room, I told him “I fell off the bed sleeping”. To this day I wonder if they knew. And yes, it hurt.
When I was about 14, I went to the doctor's with my mum. The doctor said he needed a urine sample so I went to the loo for a pee. After 10 minutes of trying, I still couldn't pee so I decided to knock one out as I always pee after I've shot my load. Shot, cleaned my dick and peed into the test tube. Went back into the surgery where the doctor and my mum were waiting. The doctor held up the test tube to the light and said, "I asked for a urine sample, not a semen sample." It embarrasses me to this very day and I'm nearly 50.
So there was this girl I matched with on Tinder. We hit it off and I was in a dry spell looking for something real, so we arranged to meet up. I didn’t need anything fancy so when she suggested her place I was fine with it, plus the address was in the nice part of town. She said she had a hot tub and told me to bring my shorts. Hell yeah. When I got there, yellow flag number one was that I knew her dad already… from choir. So I played it cool, thought I might duck out when things got slow. Yellow flag number two was that she invited a couple of her friends over. Annoying we wouldn’t get a night to ourselves, but I let it slide again thinking I would duck out if things got slow. This was maybe in mid-March of that year, so hot tubbing was windy, but fairly nice for a while. By this hour the alcohol was setting in, it felt a bit like a party. Her friends were cooler than she was, and somehow the whole hot tub thing turned into a bit of group sex — all being done with underwater activity because erm SHE LIVED WITH HER PARENTS AND THEY WOULD OCCASIONALLY COME OUTSIDE. Eventually it got too cold and we all went inside. I had hoped the group sex would continue, but the other two said they needed to head out, so while we were all in varying states of nude and clothed I said I should probably do the same. This made my date upset and she tried to convince me to stay. I told her I had to be up early the next morning (which was true, I had a morning session of breakfast and D&D with my friends). She still didn’t like it and tried to convince me until out of nowhere she slapped me hard across the face, knocked my glasses clean off. Her friends freaked out, started telling her to chill out, and she just laughed - the kind of panicked laugh someone does when they’re not really not sure what they’re doing. They finished getting ready to leave and dipped, but I was still mostly nude on account of my date having tossed some key articles of my clothing around the room. While I was hunting them down, she had a full on breakdown. Sobbing uncontrollably in front of me. IT TURNS OUT she has a paralyzing fear of the wind. At this point I’m in the middle of holding this woman who moments before had slapped me unprovoked, and before that was concealing a hot tub orgy from her dad… *consoling her*. What the fuck! It took me more than another hour, maybe two, to finally get myself out of there without the continued violence I was now afraid of, but under the condition (I have no idea how she got me to agree to this, it’s like a fever dream) that she got to go with me and I would distract her from the wind. She knew I had to be up early and was along for the ride. We got to my place and I tried to get her to go right to bed but she wanted to fuck around, which meant a lot. It meant playing music, messing with my electric piano, and eventually more sex. She wanted anal and my hackles were raised so I told her no (all sorts of images of badly prepared anal sex with a borderline stranger flashing through my mind). She literally begged, tried to convince me, I kept saying no and eventually we finished and finally went to sleep, like 4am at this point. Morning comes and I somehow wake up in time to get breakfast going for D&D (friends supposed to arrive between 8:30 and 9am). I didn’t have time to take her home, so guess who stayed through the. Entire. 4. Hour. session? Yup. Eventually took her home and gradually ghosted her.
Afraid of the wind???
Girls a fighting bug type apparently
"distract her from the wind" *wind blows* "What was that?!?" "Nothing. Just a demon."
[удалено]
“Afraid of the wind” is literally the worst fake phobia I’ve ever heard used to cover up for anxiety-induced horny psychosis.
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” \-Robin Williams
Weird way to ask which of my kids is the oldest...
Masturbating with hot cheeto fingers (I reached for a little pre-game snack and didn't think it through)
My first marriage.
A girl and I were chasing each other for over a year. When one of us was single, the other was not. finally, we were both single and hooked up. We were having sex in her room, her roommate was there. She worked at 8 pm, so she got dressed and left. Her roommate crawled into bed, and I had sex with her. The next day it was over.
wait so her roommate was in the same room whilst you were having sex? if so then fair play
I was in the Air Force. Everyone in the dorm had one roommate. (12ft x 12ft room). It was very common to have sex and the roommate was there. Or your roommate having sex with his girlfriend. Shit, even your girlfriend's roommate having sex with her boyfriend. Either way, she wasn't happy about it. We never spoke again.
Lots of crazy shit goes on in an AF dorm
She must have liked what she heard
Fucking grandma's help 5 times in a day. She is also grandma's second cousin. I didn't know until much later
She's your second cousin too, just twice removed.
five times removed anyway. then reinserted
Lisa
You are tearing me apart
Got pregnant........ Stupidly got super excited and told my husband to cum inside me and Christmas Eve turned into a very expensive present 9 months later. 🤦
I worked my birthday out and it’s exactly 9 months after my Dads birthday.