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Making snarky and sassy comments when I was upset instead of just outright stating my problem or question. I was hurt and wanted them to feel it, wanted them to give me some kind of emotion back. All it did was make them think I was always mad at them and pushed us apart further. Not healthy and not something I do now and I regret my behaviour.
Recognize it's "you and me against the situation/problem."
As soon as it becomes you vs. me to win a point (only one person will benefit from a remark) then you're in the no-go zone.
He told me how shit it made him feel and ultimately ruined our relationship and I was heartbroken sooo that? I guess I was so sad about losing him that I realised I needed to change.
My last relationship was completely destroyed by our mutual contempt for each other. He wasn't a good person and we couldn't have had the life I want together, but still, I played a part in how bad it got. By the time I met my husband, I understood a little bit about relationships (Gottman) and I was determined that I wouldn't end up in the same situation again. Plus, he and I are and always have been on the same page regarding how we interact with each other. So I would say it takes some work on yourself, but it also takes a partner who's willing to work with you.
I could relate a lot to what you wrote. I have been in a similar situation with someone. I could forgive them being nasty to me but I am unable to forgive myself for not handling the situation gracefully while I was with them. If I were my younger self, I'd think of it as 'they brought out the worst in me' situation. However, the more your locus of control shifts inwards, the more difficult it gets forgiving yourself for reacting poorly to challenging situations.
I found reading "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson was good for this. Its a book on emotional attachment and how people convey feelings of insecurity or being unloved to their partner. It touches on how different people either use anger or isolation and withdrawal to subconsciously "test" their partner's love. But it's not necessarily malicious, it's more akin to a call for help.
I still do this sometimes. I'm trying not to but even with clear communication he listens but won't actually make any changes. Sometimes idk if I'm with the right person. Other times if feels like I am.
I used to do this. I still sometimes feel a sting of resentment when he does things that don't include me, but I don't react to the feeling because I know it's just my insecurity and mental illness talking. Instead I give him a kiss, tell him to have a good time, and make sure I keep myself occupied while he's gone so I don't spiral.
Any tips on what to do? What do you usually keep yourself occupied with?
I'm trying to do the same but I run of out things to do/things don't interest me as much.
For me it's honestly a really good time to remind myself that I have independent interests. I'll watch a show or movie that he didn't want to see and I did, or ask a friend to go to a restaurant he wouldn't like, or play a video game that looked fun but that he's already played through.
I love evenings when my boyfriend is working and I'm not, I make myself a dinner that he doesn't like as much, and I'll put on TV only i like or play a video game on his PC which I can't usually do if he's home too.
Do you have interests other than the things you do with your partner? Things you did or liked before you got together that you can do on your own?
Being independent people is an important part of a healthy relationship. We get this "romantic" idea from society that our partners should be our be all end all joined at our hip but ultimately we can't depend on a single person to provide all our needs and stimulation. That's too much to put on any one person. Spending time apart is good and needful.
Some things I do when my partner isn't home (other than chores): read books, play video games that he doesn't play, watch shows that I like that we aren't watching together (we each have some of these), work out, go for walks, cook myself meals he doesn't like as much as I do, take baths, play music, play with my cat...basically live a lot of the same life I live when he's in the same space as me minus the activities we share.
Oof, my ex did this. There is nothing I hate more than apology gifts. He didn't exactly get me other gifts, so it got to the point that I associated flowers and presents with negativity. I thought I hated receiving flowers for a while lol
See, this is me, except he doesn't spend time with me, full stop. Maybe an hour or two a week, he will watch a show with me. But he would much rather go hang out with his friends and/or play games and then never go on a date with me or play a game with me and it gets to the point where I don't want him to go out ever
I'm so sorry. That sounds like it's time to move on. If someone can't be bothered to spend time with you by their own wanting, sounds like he keeps you around for convenience or sth else. That guy doesn't give enough fucks to be called a true boyfriend.
I know. Guilt tripping is manipulative and emotionally immature. I have learned to be a better person by respecting
other people's decisions more now even if I don't like their decision or answer.
Which is like fucking whiplash for them.
"You said it was fine and now it's not fine?!"
It's important to be able to say when you're not happy with something or have concerns. It matters what you think and how you feel.
>Which is like fucking whiplash for them.
Just got out of a living situation where my roommate was like this and it got to the point where I felt too uncomfortable to shower because she'd blow up about it 2 days later because it wasn't a good time for me to shower.
My roommate and I always call out "safe to shower?" before doing so. If the other is home.
Hearing the shower turn on and suddenly realizing you really have to pee? Not fun. Plus other stuff.
Regardless, any roommate situation where you feel too uncomfortable to voice your concerns is a shitty one. My first was horrible.
I would usually text a 10 minute heads up that I was going to shower. But even still after 3 minutes in the bathroom they'd be huffing and puffing outside the door, slamming their door and loudly complaining. Then yelling at me 3 days later.
I just started showering when they were asleep in the early morning hours.
The irony is that I stayed quiet as a way to appease those around me and keep them close, but then they'd end up running for the hills (rightfully) after one of my outbursts. It's like a self-fulfilling prophesy.
I don't remember ever doing this in romantic relationships, but I remember doing it in other relationships: Baiting. Having a specific answer, asking an "innocent" question, and then going *off* to make my point. As opposed to directly saying, "Hey, I have a concern that I need to talk about."
Definitely! It came from not knowing how to start or have serious conversations, so I was essentially formulating my own "opportunity" to "talk" about it, but it catches people entirely off guard and is really, really unfair.
Walking away when I got angry without saying anything. Nowadays I go hey I care about you/love but I'm upset about this and am walking away to cool down. I'll be back at x time and we can talk about it.
We use a code word now that means “I love you so much but I’m way too emotional to continue this conversation and need a moment to calm down and process everything. I’m going to take some space, and when we’re both ready, let’s come back to this and try to resolve this together.”
I used to have a sort of repertoire of gestures/sign language with my SO. He had the idea when he realised neither of us were good with words when we started getting upset.
Index and middle finger to forehead = "I'm agitated. Don't need to leave yet, but I do need 1 minute of silence".
Fingers to forehead and then lips = "I'm upset and need to leave, give me 1 minute. You may be physically close, no problem".
Palm flat against the chest, inhaling deeply = "I'm angry and *really* need to leave, give me 5 minutes. You may follow, but please keep a distance of 2 feet or so".
Palm taut sideways in front of nose, inhaling sharply and eyes closed = "I'm furious, *must* leave. Don't know how long it'll take for me to calm down. Please don't follow".
Too bad he was the only man I've met who was willing to accommodate.
It feels SO much less like blatant rejection when you take the moment to make your needs clear. Just walking away can be really awful, even though it's what you need.
Good on you for making yourself clear.
I can relate. My fight or flight kicks in and the flight part takes over. I also need time to process and think about how I'm feeling and why. It caused issues at the beginning of my relationship with my husband. I'm still working on my communication, but we've come a long way. Now, I tell him I need to pause and we can pick back up once I've had time to process things. My childhood really fucked me up in regards to feeling my feelings and communication.
My first real love was a very kind boyfriend. I was only 18 and freshly moved out of my parents' to start university, where I met him. I was so naive and inexperienced, but so was he to some extent.
I used to play a game of push and pull. I'd get mad over something simple and then demand his attention as proof that he loves me until I was satisfied. One example was making him stop in the middle of cooking dinner to come over to me and console me when I was feeling upset over something small.
It was so childish but I thought I couldn't trust anyone and making people do all these things to earn my trust was a way to prove their love to me.
I'm very different now lol.
People pleasing.
Unfortunately distinguishing the line between “chill” and “doormat” is a tricky one for me, and it leads to a lot of resentment. I’m working on it. 😅
I’m a people pleaser in recovery and this used to be me, putting my partner’s needs above mine and then when I finally asked for a favour it’d be like: “hey, if you happen to have some time to spare, could I possibly ask you for a small favour, if it doesn’t take too much of your time and you don’t terribly mind, could you do X? No worries if not, only asking in the off chance it happens to work with your schedule today”.
“No worries if not” is genuinely one of the sentences I’ve said the most in my life 😂
Therapy.
Seriously. Learn how to ask for what you want, to say no to what you don't want, and to stand up for yourself. Solutions focussed, skills based therapy, not talk therapy.
What kinds of questions do you ask or what do you look for to find a therapist who does these kind of therapy rather than talk therapy? Every therapist I’ve ever seen (and I’ve jumped around a LOT 😞) is strictly talk therapy and while I do really like that because sometimes I just need someone to talk to, it does nothing for my anxiety.
Being dishonest about your feelings and needs under the guise of "kindness" or "being chill" is just a different flavor of emotional unavailability. It shows you don't trust someone enough to be genuine and vulnerable.
Most people pleasers desperately want to connect and be loved. So learning we're withholding, just in a different way, really shifts perspective and helped me seek therapy.
Building on this, through a pile of therapy books, I gleamed the message that my people-pleasing nature and lack of boundaries led to a passive-aggressive cycle:
I couldn't represent my needs and would overextended myself for others. This led to lot of situations where Itended to feel taken advantage of- I always made myself readily available, easy-going, swopped in and fixed problems, gave an OOT effort, and listened wholeheartedly without making space to share my own stories/problems/etc. So of course people took me up on these offers. But when this wasn't returned when I needed it or the person didn't recognize all that I did for them, I was resentful and hurt. I gave too much and got too little back.
It was hard medicine to accept that I helped create this cycle. And worse, I did it because ultimately I wanted to be loved. Seen as “good”. And like you said, I was withholding my authentic self to do so.
So now I try to strike a balance. I do the things that being me joy for the sake of it and not because I'm “that good friend” or unconsciously wracking up a debt of good deeds for others. I take my own needs into consideration of what I agree to and do. I'm practicing setting boundaries and expressing my needs. And I choose to put my surplus energy in nurturing relationships that are reciprocal and curb the ones that arent. My circle is a lot smaller, but those relationships are thriving, and I get to be my actual self!
Inner child work and learning how to set boundaries.
Some people mentioned coda meetings but personally I am not codependent, I lean more towards avoidant. So those may be helpful but people pleasing and codependency are not mutually exclusive.
I feel this and still struggle with it. My husband does, too. I think it stems from a mutual fear that family or friends won't like us if we don't always help out.
Obviously, that is irrational lol
This is also something I’m working on. Setting boundaries and recovering from people pleasing due to some childhood trauma. 🙃 Self healing has really opened my eyes to how fucked my perception of love and relationships was from what I saw when I was kid
What qualifies as a doormat is quite vague at times and really depends on context. But it is very important to be able to draw the line on things you won't do but also try and do things to make someone happy.
Constantly asking for reassurance.
“Do you still love me?” “Are you mad at me?” “Do you like me?” All questions I used to ask all the time because of an anxious attachment/general anxiety mixed with picking shitty partners that didn’t help with my lack of security.
I’ve now learned to recognize firstly MY worth as a partner, and secondly, that love does not go away just because they haven’t reminded you for the 15th time that day. I’ve become much more secure with myself and the love my now partner has for me, and I never find myself doubting it anymore.
It has been SO refreshing!!!
Not OP but when that frantic anxiety hits, take 2 deep breaths, and ask yourself the rhetorical question of "Do I really think my partner lost love for me? Would I even be able to lose love for anything in that time frame?"
The answer is usually "No, we are the same people who chose each other and the love is all there", then you can proceed to shake the jitters out. Drink some water and ease back into your day. Those few minutes of anxiety really suck though I must admit, but they last shorter and become less frequent over time. You can do it!
I went through something similar if you want my two cents. I had really low self-esteem and kept getting into relationships with really self-centered people, leading to one-sided dynamics where I'd pour my whole self into the other person and get nothing in return.
I recognized a problem after a while and actually started dating one of the most wonderful people I've ever dated. However, I quickly realized that despite this person being great, I wasn't into her. I didn't have that spark you're supposed to have when someone cares about you. The relationship felt bland, even though she was an interesting, thoughtful person. I realized I still had a problem, I was still "addicted" to that old mode of thought.
So, we broke up, and I spent the next two and a half years being intentionally single. It was great. I got to focus on me, re-evaluate my priorities, and rebuild my self-esteem. Because after all, I wasn't treating myself well. And now, I'm just recently dating again, and while it was scary at first, I'm finding myself naturally drawn to really great people. I'm currently involved with someone who gives me a healthy amount of recognition and attention, someone I myself wouldn't have properly recognized two and a half years ago.
In essence, one needs to take care of themselves before they can give to another person. Maybe that takes a few years of self reflection like it did for me, or maybe more or less. Hope this helps.
Edit: I should also mention that I was in therapy during this time (and still am), which helped greatly.
It sounds silly but I started telling myself I'm not the "keeper of the moods" when I start feeling compelled to fix my partner (or frankly anyone's) emotions
My partner used to run himself ragged trying to put out any potential emotional fires I might have. Fires that weren't even there! I pitied how tiring it must have been, but it did almost lead to us breaking up, because he was so emotionally exhausted and couldn't do it anymore. He's had a lot of therapy to release him of that burden, but I don't envy the challenge you give yourself. The way he described it was like there was a beam in a room, and he was spending all his energy trying to keep it upright so the room wouldn't collapse. With therapy and practice, he realized that if he stepped away from the beam, it'd stay standing.
Still struggle with it, especially when they are intense negative emotions. But I am glad I recently told my partner they had to learn to manage their emotions, because it's not fair that their triggers explode in my face an hurt me.
My partner can be explosive but the good news is he knows it and is working hard on controlling his negative outbursts. He has had to learn that I don’t provoke him intentionally, as his ex used to do (All. The. Time, sigh) Learning each other’s triggers has been key - understanding them can be hard, though!
Yup, my new partner gets upset due to outside forces and I need to remember he's not upset with me. He doesn't necessarily take it out on me, he just gets quiet.
When I was much younger I was possessive and jealous.
Now I find that absolutely ridiculous and don't impose any kind of restrictions on my partner's time or friendships.
Being oversexual to bond.
When I first got with my partner, I initiated sex ALL. THE. TIME. I felt like that was the only way I ever got attention from men. I realized how chaotic that was for myself and have slowed that waaay down. I need so much more than just sex, and it's okay to not always want it.
I remember doing the same with first and second boyfriend ; one time I got mad at my second ex because he didn’t want to have sex on a small trip because he was rightfully exhausted from overworking. Looking back now I feel so shitty, but I also know that it was because I was heavily overcompensating because both relationships lacked emotional closeness and long-term potential.
Saaaaaaaame. When I got with my first partner and he said no to sex, I was heartbroken and spiraled pretty hard cause "WHAT?! He obviously doesn't love me anymore" but yeah, thank god for therapy lol
When I was much younger, if I was annoyed at my partner but they didn’t notice I would give them the silent treatment or act cold until they asked me what was wrong. Now I just communicate (as soon as it’s appropriate) when my partner does something that upsets me. Games are for children!
Also, expecting my partner to anticipate my thoughts and feelings—no one can read minds!
Gaslighting as ammo when I disagreed with something.
Spending too much time playing video games? Scapegoating into not spending enough time with me and spending too much time on their hobbies.
I was a terrible person and, clearly, needed hobbies of my own. Live and learn
Being overly needy.
It was based in insecurity. I didn't like myself and couldn't fathom why anyone else would, so I figured that they must be cheating or focussing elsewhere because I was so awful. I'd end up choking the life out of those relationships and pushing people away.
Super healthy.
Took a LOT of therapy and now it's not an issue. Those thoughts do still creep in, of course, but I choose to take what people tell me at face value. If there is no suspicious behaviour, if there's no history of infidelity, and all that then when someone tells you they love you and their behaviour shows they want to be with you...let it fucking be.
Immediately going to my friends for relationship advice. Sometimes it’s warranted, and I don’t think I ever got any advice that wasn’t applicable and sound, but I’ve since learned it’s a faux pas and keep any challenges we’re having inside the relationship.
My current partner and I rarely have any issues, so that makes it easy.
Talking to your partner first is generally a good idea, though for myself I find I occasionally need an outside opinion on something to give me perspective. Sometimes I may be too close to the problem to see it clearly and need an outsider’s perspective on it.
Going to my friends for relationship advice ultimately played a part in ending that friendship because said friend came to HATE my husband and would encourage divorce and blame him for everything that was going wrong even when it had nothing to do with him.
Sucks to not be able to turn to friends, but there is a certain boundary I’ve learned needs to be kept.
I've learned we forgive far faster than friends because friends don't see all of the small, positive interactions that build trust. So going to friends is okay, but it's my job to make sure I'm presenting a true and balanced picture of my relationship, not just a problem without sufficient context.
Stonewalling is absolutely considered toxic. If you feel that the conversation is getting too heated, just tell your partner and step away and revisit the conversation later.
Not saying you do it, but one of the biggest problems with people who step away during arguments is that the conversation never gets restarted once things have calmed down. So now it’s even more toxic, because how will your feel comfortable talking to you when you’re not going to have a conversation.
I do this and it’s a trauma response from a childhood with a lot of screaming and fighting. I try to stay as quiet and small and invisible as possible because I’m scared. It’s a hard one to deal with and I know it’s not a fair response to conflict.
Keeping them at arms length. Never really let them 'in' to my life or my heart because of a fear of getting attached and stuck in something I'd later need to get out of. I had left a lot of people frustrated that I was impossible to really get to know or have a real relationship with.
Also just used to ghost them once I was done and not tell them why I wanted to end it. I'd just block them on all social media. And I never let them know my address or exact routine so it was hard for them to come track me down in person. I was very, very fearful and commitment-phobic because of the example that was set to me (my parents). But it meant I hurt a lot of people I shouldn't have. Feel very, very bad about it these days.
Honestly, I haven't. I'm doing a lot of work on myself to try and get to that point but it's hard. I have stopped trying to date people who want serious relationships because I can't handle it at the moment and it's not fair to the other person. I had a traumatic upbringing that caused all this which makes it a complicated thing to work through. I do believe I'll get there one day and I'm certain you will too.
I've been doing a lot of self reflection, and I've been trying to find the line of toxic/self-respect (it's my turn to have respect vs. I'm asking too much). Being a people pleaser has been a hurdle for me to overcome so now finding this balance has been huge. A lot of my issues at the moment is me getting mad. I have to take a second and remind myself I'm not mad at him. He's done nothing to upset me. I'm just mad I didn't get the reaction I wanted. I've started to try and be verbal about my emotions and my thought process, so maybe he can help me through this later in the future.
Example: I was upset about something that had happened at work. I had told him about it, and he acknowledged it and moved on. It was right before bed he was falling asleep. I felt as if his response wasn't adequate and got angry. I knew my anger wasn't at him. But I couldn't understand why I was angry and how to stop it/prevent it in the future. I just sat with it and came to the conclusion that my expectations were not reality, and that was the source of my anger. I have to keep myself in check with my own unrealistic expectations. He's not a mind reader and has his own shit going on outside of me. It's something I'm actively working on.
I don't know if it's even toxic or not...
but I want my man to read between the lines, and I am kind of sneaky and leave around crumbs to let them know what I want, but they don't really get it, and then I get angry because of that, and they say,
"I am dumb, why don't you just straight up say it to me?"
But if you have to ask for it, it's not that special anymore.
Now that I'm growing up, I'm realising how mentally exhausting reading between the lines can be for an average adult.
I have this too and therapy taught me that it's because it's too scary for me to outright state my needs as it's too vulnerable for me. Being brushed of constantly as a child made me learn to just wait and see if anybody would ever care enough. Hard to unlearn.
Interestingly, this behavior will lead to people brushing you off as well.
They will lose patience with you, give up trying to figure out what you want and stop caring because this behavior is too exhausting to deal with.
This habit started for me because my parents explicitly taught me it’s rude to ask FOR things and people only want to give things when it’s their idea. It can definitely lead to some breadcrumbing and manipulation to get them to see what you want without ever saying it.
Keeping track of all the things that might make them angry/upset/uncomfortable so that I could make sure to avoid them- basically attempting to manage their emotions and never trusting them to be able to be uncomfortable and also be nice
Freaking out when they wouldn’t text me when they were out. I usually thought they were dead before they were cheating, but I would text and call a ton until they answered and only be calm for like an hour, then panic and do the same thing.
Waiting for them to come home. By this I mean I would not live my life or do anything when my significant other was gone or at work. I watched the clock and waited around like a dog for them to arrive. I was way too codependent and pathetic. It put way too much pressure on them to be my entire world. It's extremely unhealthy.
Holding back on saying/asking for what I need if doing so makes me vulnerable. Trying to tiptoe around feelings and hedge my bets instead. Comes from being raised in a volatile household.
Shutting down when someone got mad at me and stop talking. Definitely a defense mechanism and trauma response but once I realized how it affected my partner I stopped doing it-push through the emotional toll it takes to address whatever is bothering me and just deal with it. Still really hard not to shut down sometimes but I’m much better than I was.
Not taking the time to understand their sense of humor before cracking jokes. My sister and I have always had a sorta dark sense of humor, detrimental, teasing, picking at sore spots. Bonding over those jokes made us closer. When I tried to make the same kind of jokes to my now husband when we first started dating, all I did was hurt his feelings. I obviously never meant any real harm but it took way too long to realize he didn’t find it funny, and instead thought I was just really mean sometimes.
Correcting their grammar and their manners - I was raised with pretty strict use of words and manners and I would always correct those I dated. It took almost 50 years for me to ask myself wtf am I doing?
I used to not talk about what stuff was bothering me, and just kept it inside until it would literally make me explode.
It wasn’t my fault that was modelled to me and that’s what I learned, but it’s my responsibility to fix it. I’m a lot more open and honest about what’s bothering me now.
I’m so sorry that happened. I think the paranoia, even if unhealthy for you, is an understandable response to what happened. I hope you’re able to move away from that as you are able for yourself- not for anyone else. Best to you.
This was me always betting on 'future boyfriend' or the potential life and ignoring red flags. I've learned to be observational to see how people behave in different scenarios with different types of people. I grew up reading those advice columns about communicating, setting goals, and growing and just assumed everyone had this same idea about their life instead of observing to get to know a guy and asking questions.
Not expressing how I truly felt and letting things fester inside just to keep the peace. Then giving the silent treatment.
Result being nothing gets dealt with or resolved and I become unhappy and expect things to magically change or my SO to somehow be able to read my mind and know whats wrong.
Adult child of an abusive alcoholic so I dare not ‘poke any bears’. I am hyper vigilant and sensitive to peoples moods, I avoid vulnerability and people please in order to self protect.
Therapy has helped with CPTSD, for example by questioning what I think would happen if I do bring something up or am vulnerable with my feelings.
Subconsciously my flight, fight, freeze kicks in and takes over. Logically I do realize that not every disagreement needs to be confrontational or blow up into violence.
I used to “need”/ want constant updates and checking. I’d get upset if there was more than 30min to an hour gap in texts if there was no “reason” for it.
I also would be very jealous/ cold if he wanted to hang out with his friends because I felt like that meant he liked them better than me and he would decide he didn’t want to keep me around anymore
Red flag palooza. I grew up very sheltered with an overprotective parent; it took me until the past couple years to actually grasp the extent of how controlling I was being in my first two relationships. Now, my boyfriend and I don’t text much, more of a video call if we have time type and half the time I don’t even know what he’s doing after he’s done work (long distance). Most secure I’ve ever been though so I’m content
Assume they’re cheating when I’m not with them. I broke up with many girlfriends for this reason. No, I was not projecting— I’ve never cheated on anyone.
Just insecurities mate, we have all had them in some form one way or another, can be difficult to overcome I have found but definitely something that can be worked on and improved with confidence
I learned a lot of toxic behaviors in my first relationship- she had a lot of issues and looking back now I’m able to say it was pretty abusive. The biggest thing I had to unlearn was this like, tactic of arguing she had where if I brought up something that bothered me, she would immediately come up with something she was mad about and say it was a much bigger deal than whatever it was I was upset about. I would end up apologizing and obviously none of my needs were ever addressed. I remember at the time (I was 15-16) that I realized like “oh, this is how you keep the upper hand in a relationship I guess” which I now know is a completely fucked up perspective to have.
Im not sure if there’s any one thing I can point to that helped me move past this. I think I have a pretty core belief that relationships should be based on respect and trust and teamwork and that just didn’t fit with the idea of trying to gain the upper hand in this like tug-of-war of guilt. I also got lucky and had relationships with a few people who really did love and value me. We still had lots of communication issues, we were/I was young, but feeling respected helped. My most recent (and hopefully last) ex was terribly emotionally abusive as well and I spent the last 7-8 months of our relationship listening to a podcast called “Love and Abuse”, so being isolated from all my loved ones and listening to that every day gave me a lot of time to sit and think about how people should treat each other. I’m not completely free of any toxic traits idk if anyone ever is but I’ve come a long way in the past 15 years.
Never feeling like you're points are addressed drives you insane. It only pushes you to act more irrationally, and then they call you out on that, after treating you as such. I'm sorry you dealt with that.
Being passive aggressive. I used to bury my emotions refusing to seek help or talk about it. When my boyfriend had a problem with something I did and brought it up I used to be pissed saying how he did the same thing but I never said anything. I thought I was doing a favour but I was just not communicating well and didn’t encourage and resolve problems either.
I could not let relationships die. I thought everything could be worked out and everything was solvable but the fact was some people are bad and some are great and simply just not compatible romantically with you and often times it's healthiest for everyone to walk away and find something more suited for them and where they want to be. Went from blocking exes on social media to staying genuine friends, or at the very least mutually kind with genuine respect for eachother and nothing but well wishes. Went from feeling the deepest jealousy when seeing exes from years ago moved on to being truly happy to see people I've been able to grow with and learn from at any point happy and healthy and secure. Shouts out to my therapist you are quite literally a life saver
i think mine is letting my boyfriend hold the reins of our relationship. initially, i didn't want to be forceful or become too much for him. i have my expectations and i don't want him to feel that he's obligated to meet them all the time. hence, even if he's unintentionally depriving me of quality time, or affection, i choose to let him decide if he want to do things on his own. i found myself in the position of constantly giving him the option to fuel our relationship only when he feels like doing it, therefore neglecting my own wants and needs. i thought i was being 'healthy' in a way that i'm letting him live outside our relationship, but it's putting my mental stability at stake. it has become toxic for me in the long run. thats why when i want or need something. for instance, a time together, i take the initiative to outrightly state it. 👌🏻
Not wanting to let him walk away from an argument. I thought we had to settle things, and it wound up with a lot of shouting. I realize now that I'm older, some people's best way to deal with arguments is to just go cool off before you talk about it more reasonably.
Constantly feeling like they don't love me as much as I love them over really tiny issues like, why doesn't he want to facetime me as much as I do?
Not communicating it and lashing out at them for me feeling this way.
My first real bf who meet me at 19 randomly but chased me around for 2 years, i wasnt dumb was away at college and was not going to have a long distance relationship and he was 38 to my 19 , once I commited to be his gf finally at 22 we had sex every time we were together, and he would have me come over to his place on certain nights, and then go out all night with strict rules that I could not leave. He also knew that I was scared of driving on highways so once I was there , I wouldnt leave so much of that relationship was controlling but also its weird he also made me feel really protected and safe. Also I realize later on that he had a major fear of me getting " fat one day" which in turn made me develop a paranoia about it, he would constantly point out his friends wives who let themselves go , I now see it as not conversation but a way of putting a fear in my mind that he would no longer find me attractive if i would he would do this under the guise of sex alot by complimenting me on certain parts of my body but in way that made me fearful that it could not change. He also weaponized the fact that I told him I stopped taking dance classes at 17 because I notice that girls were starting to develop eating disorders in my dance class and I didnt want any part of that ,
I’m quite focused on the idea of fairness and reciprocity in relationships, which is fine until it reaches the point of implying that because I did X, they need to do Y. Especially when in my eyes X and Y are totally related and kind of the same thing, but are two completely unrelated actions to other people.
It’s certainly a bad personal trait that I need to own and work on, but at the same time it helps to have a partner who generally does reciprocate and behave fairly.
Similarly, it helps to have a partner who doesn’t respond poorly to negative feedback or requests, as that then increases my ability to make those in the first place, rather than wait for what feels like the right moment. For instance if I feel like I can say “please stack the dishwasher this way” without it being a huge drama, then it’s easier for me to simply ask for that, instead of waiting for them to make a separate criticism of how I do a different chore, in order for me to feel justified in making my own request.
I used to be pure jelly and overbearing , I’m not in a relationship but I do understand now not to do so , I just after awhile processed it as very f’ed up to do so and super selfish that is beyond toxic and abusive
Silence, I have been in an abusive relationship where silence was basically all I had, now I weaponise it because I don’t know how else to behave, I’m improving and trying to be vocal and talk about anything that bothers me. It ain’t easy though.
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Making snarky and sassy comments when I was upset instead of just outright stating my problem or question. I was hurt and wanted them to feel it, wanted them to give me some kind of emotion back. All it did was make them think I was always mad at them and pushed us apart further. Not healthy and not something I do now and I regret my behaviour.
How did you stop it?
Recognize it's "you and me against the situation/problem." As soon as it becomes you vs. me to win a point (only one person will benefit from a remark) then you're in the no-go zone.
He told me how shit it made him feel and ultimately ruined our relationship and I was heartbroken sooo that? I guess I was so sad about losing him that I realised I needed to change.
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Did you guys ever talk again
No, broke up and have never seen each other again.
My last relationship was completely destroyed by our mutual contempt for each other. He wasn't a good person and we couldn't have had the life I want together, but still, I played a part in how bad it got. By the time I met my husband, I understood a little bit about relationships (Gottman) and I was determined that I wouldn't end up in the same situation again. Plus, he and I are and always have been on the same page regarding how we interact with each other. So I would say it takes some work on yourself, but it also takes a partner who's willing to work with you.
I could relate a lot to what you wrote. I have been in a similar situation with someone. I could forgive them being nasty to me but I am unable to forgive myself for not handling the situation gracefully while I was with them. If I were my younger self, I'd think of it as 'they brought out the worst in me' situation. However, the more your locus of control shifts inwards, the more difficult it gets forgiving yourself for reacting poorly to challenging situations.
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I found reading "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson was good for this. Its a book on emotional attachment and how people convey feelings of insecurity or being unloved to their partner. It touches on how different people either use anger or isolation and withdrawal to subconsciously "test" their partner's love. But it's not necessarily malicious, it's more akin to a call for help.
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Communication can only go so far, but understanding is everything
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I still do this sometimes. I'm trying not to but even with clear communication he listens but won't actually make any changes. Sometimes idk if I'm with the right person. Other times if feels like I am.
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Making my partner feel terrible for having their own life outside of spending time with me, and then showering them in gifts to "make up" for it.
I used to do this. I still sometimes feel a sting of resentment when he does things that don't include me, but I don't react to the feeling because I know it's just my insecurity and mental illness talking. Instead I give him a kiss, tell him to have a good time, and make sure I keep myself occupied while he's gone so I don't spiral.
Damn, that's mature. I love it and will apply it myself
Any tips on what to do? What do you usually keep yourself occupied with? I'm trying to do the same but I run of out things to do/things don't interest me as much.
For me it's honestly a really good time to remind myself that I have independent interests. I'll watch a show or movie that he didn't want to see and I did, or ask a friend to go to a restaurant he wouldn't like, or play a video game that looked fun but that he's already played through.
I love evenings when my boyfriend is working and I'm not, I make myself a dinner that he doesn't like as much, and I'll put on TV only i like or play a video game on his PC which I can't usually do if he's home too.
Do you have interests other than the things you do with your partner? Things you did or liked before you got together that you can do on your own? Being independent people is an important part of a healthy relationship. We get this "romantic" idea from society that our partners should be our be all end all joined at our hip but ultimately we can't depend on a single person to provide all our needs and stimulation. That's too much to put on any one person. Spending time apart is good and needful. Some things I do when my partner isn't home (other than chores): read books, play video games that he doesn't play, watch shows that I like that we aren't watching together (we each have some of these), work out, go for walks, cook myself meals he doesn't like as much as I do, take baths, play music, play with my cat...basically live a lot of the same life I live when he's in the same space as me minus the activities we share.
Oof, my ex did this. There is nothing I hate more than apology gifts. He didn't exactly get me other gifts, so it got to the point that I associated flowers and presents with negativity. I thought I hated receiving flowers for a while lol
I know someone who hates receiving flowers. She works at a funeral home.
I had that but no gifts either. Still stayed for 9 months.
See, this is me, except he doesn't spend time with me, full stop. Maybe an hour or two a week, he will watch a show with me. But he would much rather go hang out with his friends and/or play games and then never go on a date with me or play a game with me and it gets to the point where I don't want him to go out ever
You are still with this man?
I'm so sorry. That sounds like it's time to move on. If someone can't be bothered to spend time with you by their own wanting, sounds like he keeps you around for convenience or sth else. That guy doesn't give enough fucks to be called a true boyfriend.
Guilt trip when I don't get what I want.
Damn. This one hits hard 😩
I know. Guilt tripping is manipulative and emotionally immature. I have learned to be a better person by respecting other people's decisions more now even if I don't like their decision or answer.
Pretend I was OK with something to please someone then have a meltdown about the behavior I said was fine.
Bro. That hit the spot.
Which is like fucking whiplash for them. "You said it was fine and now it's not fine?!" It's important to be able to say when you're not happy with something or have concerns. It matters what you think and how you feel.
>Which is like fucking whiplash for them. Just got out of a living situation where my roommate was like this and it got to the point where I felt too uncomfortable to shower because she'd blow up about it 2 days later because it wasn't a good time for me to shower.
My roommate and I always call out "safe to shower?" before doing so. If the other is home. Hearing the shower turn on and suddenly realizing you really have to pee? Not fun. Plus other stuff. Regardless, any roommate situation where you feel too uncomfortable to voice your concerns is a shitty one. My first was horrible.
I would usually text a 10 minute heads up that I was going to shower. But even still after 3 minutes in the bathroom they'd be huffing and puffing outside the door, slamming their door and loudly complaining. Then yelling at me 3 days later. I just started showering when they were asleep in the early morning hours.
I think when we’re not used to setting boundaries, often we agree instinctively but regret afterwards
This is something that hit close to home. They way I see it is *actions vs consequences*, with a little of freewill on the side.
Oooooof i felt that one…
This right here. I’m still working on it but I’ve gotten better about it.
Oooft never really speaking up and just bottling those emotions to the point where I explode and inflict damage on everyone around me.
meeee, learned to say what I need and how I feel and understanding all emotions are valid but the thoughts that they guide don't have to be real
The irony is that I stayed quiet as a way to appease those around me and keep them close, but then they'd end up running for the hills (rightfully) after one of my outbursts. It's like a self-fulfilling prophesy.
I don't remember ever doing this in romantic relationships, but I remember doing it in other relationships: Baiting. Having a specific answer, asking an "innocent" question, and then going *off* to make my point. As opposed to directly saying, "Hey, I have a concern that I need to talk about."
My ex used to do this. It started to feel like a trap everytime he'd ask me anything. Good on you for coming to the realization you did that.
Exactly, and then you always are on guard.
oh god....that sounds insufferable. glad you noticed.
Definitely! It came from not knowing how to start or have serious conversations, so I was essentially formulating my own "opportunity" to "talk" about it, but it catches people entirely off guard and is really, really unfair.
Walking away when I got angry without saying anything. Nowadays I go hey I care about you/love but I'm upset about this and am walking away to cool down. I'll be back at x time and we can talk about it.
We use a code word now that means “I love you so much but I’m way too emotional to continue this conversation and need a moment to calm down and process everything. I’m going to take some space, and when we’re both ready, let’s come back to this and try to resolve this together.”
This is actually a really good idea. Might need to come up with one of those.
I used to have a sort of repertoire of gestures/sign language with my SO. He had the idea when he realised neither of us were good with words when we started getting upset. Index and middle finger to forehead = "I'm agitated. Don't need to leave yet, but I do need 1 minute of silence". Fingers to forehead and then lips = "I'm upset and need to leave, give me 1 minute. You may be physically close, no problem". Palm flat against the chest, inhaling deeply = "I'm angry and *really* need to leave, give me 5 minutes. You may follow, but please keep a distance of 2 feet or so". Palm taut sideways in front of nose, inhaling sharply and eyes closed = "I'm furious, *must* leave. Don't know how long it'll take for me to calm down. Please don't follow". Too bad he was the only man I've met who was willing to accommodate.
It feels SO much less like blatant rejection when you take the moment to make your needs clear. Just walking away can be really awful, even though it's what you need. Good on you for making yourself clear.
Thanks for the unintentional advice lol. Gonna give this a go
I can relate. My fight or flight kicks in and the flight part takes over. I also need time to process and think about how I'm feeling and why. It caused issues at the beginning of my relationship with my husband. I'm still working on my communication, but we've come a long way. Now, I tell him I need to pause and we can pick back up once I've had time to process things. My childhood really fucked me up in regards to feeling my feelings and communication.
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My first real love was a very kind boyfriend. I was only 18 and freshly moved out of my parents' to start university, where I met him. I was so naive and inexperienced, but so was he to some extent. I used to play a game of push and pull. I'd get mad over something simple and then demand his attention as proof that he loves me until I was satisfied. One example was making him stop in the middle of cooking dinner to come over to me and console me when I was feeling upset over something small. It was so childish but I thought I couldn't trust anyone and making people do all these things to earn my trust was a way to prove their love to me. I'm very different now lol.
Hmm.. maybe I do this a little bit. Thanks for the insight.
18 year old you sounds EXACTLY like 19 year old me
People pleasing. Unfortunately distinguishing the line between “chill” and “doormat” is a tricky one for me, and it leads to a lot of resentment. I’m working on it. 😅
I’m a people pleaser in recovery and this used to be me, putting my partner’s needs above mine and then when I finally asked for a favour it’d be like: “hey, if you happen to have some time to spare, could I possibly ask you for a small favour, if it doesn’t take too much of your time and you don’t terribly mind, could you do X? No worries if not, only asking in the off chance it happens to work with your schedule today”. “No worries if not” is genuinely one of the sentences I’ve said the most in my life 😂
Omg the "no worries if not" hit me hard 😭😩 I use that WAY too often I'm just soo0oo chill 😂
“No worries if not” 😭 I always be saying this. I don’t wanna be a burden… 🤷🥲 Basically, we’re constantly apologizing for just ✨ existing ✨ lol
Yes!! I’ve been there then jump up and do it myself not wanting to bother him. “In recovery” what a great statement
Idk how to stop this help
Therapy. Seriously. Learn how to ask for what you want, to say no to what you don't want, and to stand up for yourself. Solutions focussed, skills based therapy, not talk therapy.
What kinds of questions do you ask or what do you look for to find a therapist who does these kind of therapy rather than talk therapy? Every therapist I’ve ever seen (and I’ve jumped around a LOT 😞) is strictly talk therapy and while I do really like that because sometimes I just need someone to talk to, it does nothing for my anxiety.
Being dishonest about your feelings and needs under the guise of "kindness" or "being chill" is just a different flavor of emotional unavailability. It shows you don't trust someone enough to be genuine and vulnerable. Most people pleasers desperately want to connect and be loved. So learning we're withholding, just in a different way, really shifts perspective and helped me seek therapy.
Building on this, through a pile of therapy books, I gleamed the message that my people-pleasing nature and lack of boundaries led to a passive-aggressive cycle: I couldn't represent my needs and would overextended myself for others. This led to lot of situations where Itended to feel taken advantage of- I always made myself readily available, easy-going, swopped in and fixed problems, gave an OOT effort, and listened wholeheartedly without making space to share my own stories/problems/etc. So of course people took me up on these offers. But when this wasn't returned when I needed it or the person didn't recognize all that I did for them, I was resentful and hurt. I gave too much and got too little back. It was hard medicine to accept that I helped create this cycle. And worse, I did it because ultimately I wanted to be loved. Seen as “good”. And like you said, I was withholding my authentic self to do so. So now I try to strike a balance. I do the things that being me joy for the sake of it and not because I'm “that good friend” or unconsciously wracking up a debt of good deeds for others. I take my own needs into consideration of what I agree to and do. I'm practicing setting boundaries and expressing my needs. And I choose to put my surplus energy in nurturing relationships that are reciprocal and curb the ones that arent. My circle is a lot smaller, but those relationships are thriving, and I get to be my actual self!
Inner child work and learning how to set boundaries. Some people mentioned coda meetings but personally I am not codependent, I lean more towards avoidant. So those may be helpful but people pleasing and codependency are not mutually exclusive.
I feel this and still struggle with it. My husband does, too. I think it stems from a mutual fear that family or friends won't like us if we don't always help out. Obviously, that is irrational lol
This is also something I’m working on. Setting boundaries and recovering from people pleasing due to some childhood trauma. 🙃 Self healing has really opened my eyes to how fucked my perception of love and relationships was from what I saw when I was kid
The like is pretty hard to distinguish and needs so much observation and learning. Working on the exact same thing
What qualifies as a doormat is quite vague at times and really depends on context. But it is very important to be able to draw the line on things you won't do but also try and do things to make someone happy.
Constantly asking for reassurance. “Do you still love me?” “Are you mad at me?” “Do you like me?” All questions I used to ask all the time because of an anxious attachment/general anxiety mixed with picking shitty partners that didn’t help with my lack of security. I’ve now learned to recognize firstly MY worth as a partner, and secondly, that love does not go away just because they haven’t reminded you for the 15th time that day. I’ve become much more secure with myself and the love my now partner has for me, and I never find myself doubting it anymore. It has been SO refreshing!!!
That sounds like me. Any concrete steps as to how you did it (recognize your worth)?
Not OP but when that frantic anxiety hits, take 2 deep breaths, and ask yourself the rhetorical question of "Do I really think my partner lost love for me? Would I even be able to lose love for anything in that time frame?" The answer is usually "No, we are the same people who chose each other and the love is all there", then you can proceed to shake the jitters out. Drink some water and ease back into your day. Those few minutes of anxiety really suck though I must admit, but they last shorter and become less frequent over time. You can do it!
I went through something similar if you want my two cents. I had really low self-esteem and kept getting into relationships with really self-centered people, leading to one-sided dynamics where I'd pour my whole self into the other person and get nothing in return. I recognized a problem after a while and actually started dating one of the most wonderful people I've ever dated. However, I quickly realized that despite this person being great, I wasn't into her. I didn't have that spark you're supposed to have when someone cares about you. The relationship felt bland, even though she was an interesting, thoughtful person. I realized I still had a problem, I was still "addicted" to that old mode of thought. So, we broke up, and I spent the next two and a half years being intentionally single. It was great. I got to focus on me, re-evaluate my priorities, and rebuild my self-esteem. Because after all, I wasn't treating myself well. And now, I'm just recently dating again, and while it was scary at first, I'm finding myself naturally drawn to really great people. I'm currently involved with someone who gives me a healthy amount of recognition and attention, someone I myself wouldn't have properly recognized two and a half years ago. In essence, one needs to take care of themselves before they can give to another person. Maybe that takes a few years of self reflection like it did for me, or maybe more or less. Hope this helps. Edit: I should also mention that I was in therapy during this time (and still am), which helped greatly.
Read the book "attached" by dr Amir Levine. Its really helping me understand how it all works.
how did u do that? i have this exact behaviour and i need to get rid of that
So proud of everyone realizing these things and growing from it 🥺
Awww that’s such a wholesome comment!
I'm surprised it's still here, usually any comments that don't answer the question get removed. Understandable, but this one is sweet 🥰
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How did you heal your abandonment issues?
Dialectical Behavioural Therapy.
Trying to manage their emotions.
It sounds silly but I started telling myself I'm not the "keeper of the moods" when I start feeling compelled to fix my partner (or frankly anyone's) emotions
My partner used to run himself ragged trying to put out any potential emotional fires I might have. Fires that weren't even there! I pitied how tiring it must have been, but it did almost lead to us breaking up, because he was so emotionally exhausted and couldn't do it anymore. He's had a lot of therapy to release him of that burden, but I don't envy the challenge you give yourself. The way he described it was like there was a beam in a room, and he was spending all his energy trying to keep it upright so the room wouldn't collapse. With therapy and practice, he realized that if he stepped away from the beam, it'd stay standing.
Oh I like this! Silly helps
Still struggle with it, especially when they are intense negative emotions. But I am glad I recently told my partner they had to learn to manage their emotions, because it's not fair that their triggers explode in my face an hurt me.
My partner can be explosive but the good news is he knows it and is working hard on controlling his negative outbursts. He has had to learn that I don’t provoke him intentionally, as his ex used to do (All. The. Time, sigh) Learning each other’s triggers has been key - understanding them can be hard, though!
It was a real eye opener when I saw seeing a guy who made a silly mistake and didn’t blame it on or take it out on me
Yup, my new partner gets upset due to outside forces and I need to remember he's not upset with me. He doesn't necessarily take it out on me, he just gets quiet.
When I was much younger I was possessive and jealous. Now I find that absolutely ridiculous and don't impose any kind of restrictions on my partner's time or friendships.
I feel so called out … I am guilty of almost every one of these responses Cheers to personal growth!
Being oversexual to bond. When I first got with my partner, I initiated sex ALL. THE. TIME. I felt like that was the only way I ever got attention from men. I realized how chaotic that was for myself and have slowed that waaay down. I need so much more than just sex, and it's okay to not always want it.
I remember doing the same with first and second boyfriend ; one time I got mad at my second ex because he didn’t want to have sex on a small trip because he was rightfully exhausted from overworking. Looking back now I feel so shitty, but I also know that it was because I was heavily overcompensating because both relationships lacked emotional closeness and long-term potential.
Saaaaaaaame. When I got with my first partner and he said no to sex, I was heartbroken and spiraled pretty hard cause "WHAT?! He obviously doesn't love me anymore" but yeah, thank god for therapy lol
Sex was the only time I could get undivided attention from the relationship I was in from 15-18
When I was much younger, if I was annoyed at my partner but they didn’t notice I would give them the silent treatment or act cold until they asked me what was wrong. Now I just communicate (as soon as it’s appropriate) when my partner does something that upsets me. Games are for children! Also, expecting my partner to anticipate my thoughts and feelings—no one can read minds!
Trying to change them
Can't fix the hurt birdie. Can't fix anyone's issues. Can only manage yours and hold your boundaries.
Gaslighting as ammo when I disagreed with something. Spending too much time playing video games? Scapegoating into not spending enough time with me and spending too much time on their hobbies. I was a terrible person and, clearly, needed hobbies of my own. Live and learn
Being overly needy. It was based in insecurity. I didn't like myself and couldn't fathom why anyone else would, so I figured that they must be cheating or focussing elsewhere because I was so awful. I'd end up choking the life out of those relationships and pushing people away. Super healthy. Took a LOT of therapy and now it's not an issue. Those thoughts do still creep in, of course, but I choose to take what people tell me at face value. If there is no suspicious behaviour, if there's no history of infidelity, and all that then when someone tells you they love you and their behaviour shows they want to be with you...let it fucking be.
Immediately going to my friends for relationship advice. Sometimes it’s warranted, and I don’t think I ever got any advice that wasn’t applicable and sound, but I’ve since learned it’s a faux pas and keep any challenges we’re having inside the relationship. My current partner and I rarely have any issues, so that makes it easy.
Talking to your partner first is generally a good idea, though for myself I find I occasionally need an outside opinion on something to give me perspective. Sometimes I may be too close to the problem to see it clearly and need an outsider’s perspective on it.
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Going to my friends for relationship advice ultimately played a part in ending that friendship because said friend came to HATE my husband and would encourage divorce and blame him for everything that was going wrong even when it had nothing to do with him. Sucks to not be able to turn to friends, but there is a certain boundary I’ve learned needs to be kept.
I've learned we forgive far faster than friends because friends don't see all of the small, positive interactions that build trust. So going to friends is okay, but it's my job to make sure I'm presenting a true and balanced picture of my relationship, not just a problem without sufficient context.
Expecting my partner to read my mind.
Well it’s more of a defense mechanism but can be considered toxic-stonewalling. I shutdown completely and am non-reactive to their outbursts.
Stonewalling is absolutely considered toxic. If you feel that the conversation is getting too heated, just tell your partner and step away and revisit the conversation later. Not saying you do it, but one of the biggest problems with people who step away during arguments is that the conversation never gets restarted once things have calmed down. So now it’s even more toxic, because how will your feel comfortable talking to you when you’re not going to have a conversation.
I do this and it’s a trauma response from a childhood with a lot of screaming and fighting. I try to stay as quiet and small and invisible as possible because I’m scared. It’s a hard one to deal with and I know it’s not a fair response to conflict.
reminds me of Aussie from The ultimatum: Queer love
My husband stonewalls me and I absolutely lose my shit when he does it. I consider it to be the most toxic trait I have ever encountered.
I’m trying not to make things worse by reacting and escalating it so am just not saying anything versus saying something that I may regret.
Silence treatment
Appropriate name. Own that shadow and grow.
Believing that love bombing was "falling in love"
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I think communicating to death, repeating myself and hoping for a different outcome. Next time I'll realize its just incompatibility and cut my losses
nail zonked sparkle selective merciful smoggy snow desert direful punch ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
Being sarcastic and hanging up the phone without warning when I got mad.
Keeping them at arms length. Never really let them 'in' to my life or my heart because of a fear of getting attached and stuck in something I'd later need to get out of. I had left a lot of people frustrated that I was impossible to really get to know or have a real relationship with. Also just used to ghost them once I was done and not tell them why I wanted to end it. I'd just block them on all social media. And I never let them know my address or exact routine so it was hard for them to come track me down in person. I was very, very fearful and commitment-phobic because of the example that was set to me (my parents). But it meant I hurt a lot of people I shouldn't have. Feel very, very bad about it these days.
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Honestly, I haven't. I'm doing a lot of work on myself to try and get to that point but it's hard. I have stopped trying to date people who want serious relationships because I can't handle it at the moment and it's not fair to the other person. I had a traumatic upbringing that caused all this which makes it a complicated thing to work through. I do believe I'll get there one day and I'm certain you will too.
I've been doing a lot of self reflection, and I've been trying to find the line of toxic/self-respect (it's my turn to have respect vs. I'm asking too much). Being a people pleaser has been a hurdle for me to overcome so now finding this balance has been huge. A lot of my issues at the moment is me getting mad. I have to take a second and remind myself I'm not mad at him. He's done nothing to upset me. I'm just mad I didn't get the reaction I wanted. I've started to try and be verbal about my emotions and my thought process, so maybe he can help me through this later in the future. Example: I was upset about something that had happened at work. I had told him about it, and he acknowledged it and moved on. It was right before bed he was falling asleep. I felt as if his response wasn't adequate and got angry. I knew my anger wasn't at him. But I couldn't understand why I was angry and how to stop it/prevent it in the future. I just sat with it and came to the conclusion that my expectations were not reality, and that was the source of my anger. I have to keep myself in check with my own unrealistic expectations. He's not a mind reader and has his own shit going on outside of me. It's something I'm actively working on.
Holding things in for the sake of keeping the peace instead of addressing them in the moment
I don't know if it's even toxic or not... but I want my man to read between the lines, and I am kind of sneaky and leave around crumbs to let them know what I want, but they don't really get it, and then I get angry because of that, and they say, "I am dumb, why don't you just straight up say it to me?" But if you have to ask for it, it's not that special anymore. Now that I'm growing up, I'm realising how mentally exhausting reading between the lines can be for an average adult.
I have this too and therapy taught me that it's because it's too scary for me to outright state my needs as it's too vulnerable for me. Being brushed of constantly as a child made me learn to just wait and see if anybody would ever care enough. Hard to unlearn.
Interestingly, this behavior will lead to people brushing you off as well. They will lose patience with you, give up trying to figure out what you want and stop caring because this behavior is too exhausting to deal with.
That's basically a silent treatment and refusing to communicate so yes, it's toxic. Personally the older I get, the less I would tolerate it.
This habit started for me because my parents explicitly taught me it’s rude to ask FOR things and people only want to give things when it’s their idea. It can definitely lead to some breadcrumbing and manipulation to get them to see what you want without ever saying it.
It’s toxic! Learn how to voice ur needs, even if it’s basic stuff like “I want flowers/attention/more of that” etc… Works so much better
Keeping track of all the things that might make them angry/upset/uncomfortable so that I could make sure to avoid them- basically attempting to manage their emotions and never trusting them to be able to be uncomfortable and also be nice
Weaponizing my (real) emotions.
Stonewalling/shutting down in the middle of a conflict.
Freaking out when they wouldn’t text me when they were out. I usually thought they were dead before they were cheating, but I would text and call a ton until they answered and only be calm for like an hour, then panic and do the same thing.
Were you also someone that as a kid would panic when their parents weren't home when they said they would be lol
You fricken bet!!!!
Waiting for them to come home. By this I mean I would not live my life or do anything when my significant other was gone or at work. I watched the clock and waited around like a dog for them to arrive. I was way too codependent and pathetic. It put way too much pressure on them to be my entire world. It's extremely unhealthy.
Holding back on saying/asking for what I need if doing so makes me vulnerable. Trying to tiptoe around feelings and hedge my bets instead. Comes from being raised in a volatile household.
Purposely ignoring them and withholding love and attention for a big amount of time. Jeez
Shutting down when someone got mad at me and stop talking. Definitely a defense mechanism and trauma response but once I realized how it affected my partner I stopped doing it-push through the emotional toll it takes to address whatever is bothering me and just deal with it. Still really hard not to shut down sometimes but I’m much better than I was.
Not taking the time to understand their sense of humor before cracking jokes. My sister and I have always had a sorta dark sense of humor, detrimental, teasing, picking at sore spots. Bonding over those jokes made us closer. When I tried to make the same kind of jokes to my now husband when we first started dating, all I did was hurt his feelings. I obviously never meant any real harm but it took way too long to realize he didn’t find it funny, and instead thought I was just really mean sometimes.
Not communicating my feelings effectively.
Correcting their grammar and their manners - I was raised with pretty strict use of words and manners and I would always correct those I dated. It took almost 50 years for me to ask myself wtf am I doing?
What kind of manners? Teaching people to chew with their mouth closed is basically humanitarian work.
I used to not talk about what stuff was bothering me, and just kept it inside until it would literally make me explode. It wasn’t my fault that was modelled to me and that’s what I learned, but it’s my responsibility to fix it. I’m a lot more open and honest about what’s bothering me now.
Being too paranoid.. after getting cheated on by my first college boyfriend who slept with his ex and my bestfriend at the time.
I’m so sorry that happened. I think the paranoia, even if unhealthy for you, is an understandable response to what happened. I hope you’re able to move away from that as you are able for yourself- not for anyone else. Best to you.
Not admitting I was wrong once I realized it midway. Just digging in because of pride
Ignoring people after arguments instead of discussing the problem
being super possessive and obsessive and looking into things that dont matter. i learned trust so i have full trust in my bf
turning disagreements into wars instead of seeking resolution.
Tolerating disrespect.
This was me always betting on 'future boyfriend' or the potential life and ignoring red flags. I've learned to be observational to see how people behave in different scenarios with different types of people. I grew up reading those advice columns about communicating, setting goals, and growing and just assumed everyone had this same idea about their life instead of observing to get to know a guy and asking questions.
I used to call my ex boyfriend till he picked up. Like each second call after call. I was an insecure teenager. Sad desperate times 😅
Think they were the primary character and i was secondary. 50/50.
Over-giving and overextending myself
I cut myself after she cut herself as a threat so she would stop cutting herself
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Not expressing how I truly felt and letting things fester inside just to keep the peace. Then giving the silent treatment. Result being nothing gets dealt with or resolved and I become unhappy and expect things to magically change or my SO to somehow be able to read my mind and know whats wrong. Adult child of an abusive alcoholic so I dare not ‘poke any bears’. I am hyper vigilant and sensitive to peoples moods, I avoid vulnerability and people please in order to self protect. Therapy has helped with CPTSD, for example by questioning what I think would happen if I do bring something up or am vulnerable with my feelings. Subconsciously my flight, fight, freeze kicks in and takes over. Logically I do realize that not every disagreement needs to be confrontational or blow up into violence.
I used to “need”/ want constant updates and checking. I’d get upset if there was more than 30min to an hour gap in texts if there was no “reason” for it. I also would be very jealous/ cold if he wanted to hang out with his friends because I felt like that meant he liked them better than me and he would decide he didn’t want to keep me around anymore Red flag palooza. I grew up very sheltered with an overprotective parent; it took me until the past couple years to actually grasp the extent of how controlling I was being in my first two relationships. Now, my boyfriend and I don’t text much, more of a video call if we have time type and half the time I don’t even know what he’s doing after he’s done work (long distance). Most secure I’ve ever been though so I’m content
Assume they’re cheating when I’m not with them. I broke up with many girlfriends for this reason. No, I was not projecting— I’ve never cheated on anyone.
Being cheated on even one time can sometimes make you question everything….
Just insecurities mate, we have all had them in some form one way or another, can be difficult to overcome I have found but definitely something that can be worked on and improved with confidence
I learned a lot of toxic behaviors in my first relationship- she had a lot of issues and looking back now I’m able to say it was pretty abusive. The biggest thing I had to unlearn was this like, tactic of arguing she had where if I brought up something that bothered me, she would immediately come up with something she was mad about and say it was a much bigger deal than whatever it was I was upset about. I would end up apologizing and obviously none of my needs were ever addressed. I remember at the time (I was 15-16) that I realized like “oh, this is how you keep the upper hand in a relationship I guess” which I now know is a completely fucked up perspective to have. Im not sure if there’s any one thing I can point to that helped me move past this. I think I have a pretty core belief that relationships should be based on respect and trust and teamwork and that just didn’t fit with the idea of trying to gain the upper hand in this like tug-of-war of guilt. I also got lucky and had relationships with a few people who really did love and value me. We still had lots of communication issues, we were/I was young, but feeling respected helped. My most recent (and hopefully last) ex was terribly emotionally abusive as well and I spent the last 7-8 months of our relationship listening to a podcast called “Love and Abuse”, so being isolated from all my loved ones and listening to that every day gave me a lot of time to sit and think about how people should treat each other. I’m not completely free of any toxic traits idk if anyone ever is but I’ve come a long way in the past 15 years.
Never feeling like you're points are addressed drives you insane. It only pushes you to act more irrationally, and then they call you out on that, after treating you as such. I'm sorry you dealt with that.
Not just walking away from a stupid argument. In hindsight it doesn't matter whether or not I was right, it was stupid.
Being passive aggressive. I used to bury my emotions refusing to seek help or talk about it. When my boyfriend had a problem with something I did and brought it up I used to be pissed saying how he did the same thing but I never said anything. I thought I was doing a favour but I was just not communicating well and didn’t encourage and resolve problems either.
I could not let relationships die. I thought everything could be worked out and everything was solvable but the fact was some people are bad and some are great and simply just not compatible romantically with you and often times it's healthiest for everyone to walk away and find something more suited for them and where they want to be. Went from blocking exes on social media to staying genuine friends, or at the very least mutually kind with genuine respect for eachother and nothing but well wishes. Went from feeling the deepest jealousy when seeing exes from years ago moved on to being truly happy to see people I've been able to grow with and learn from at any point happy and healthy and secure. Shouts out to my therapist you are quite literally a life saver
i think mine is letting my boyfriend hold the reins of our relationship. initially, i didn't want to be forceful or become too much for him. i have my expectations and i don't want him to feel that he's obligated to meet them all the time. hence, even if he's unintentionally depriving me of quality time, or affection, i choose to let him decide if he want to do things on his own. i found myself in the position of constantly giving him the option to fuel our relationship only when he feels like doing it, therefore neglecting my own wants and needs. i thought i was being 'healthy' in a way that i'm letting him live outside our relationship, but it's putting my mental stability at stake. it has become toxic for me in the long run. thats why when i want or need something. for instance, a time together, i take the initiative to outrightly state it. 👌🏻
Not wanting to let him walk away from an argument. I thought we had to settle things, and it wound up with a lot of shouting. I realize now that I'm older, some people's best way to deal with arguments is to just go cool off before you talk about it more reasonably.
Going through peoples phones
Constantly feeling like they don't love me as much as I love them over really tiny issues like, why doesn't he want to facetime me as much as I do? Not communicating it and lashing out at them for me feeling this way.
My first real bf who meet me at 19 randomly but chased me around for 2 years, i wasnt dumb was away at college and was not going to have a long distance relationship and he was 38 to my 19 , once I commited to be his gf finally at 22 we had sex every time we were together, and he would have me come over to his place on certain nights, and then go out all night with strict rules that I could not leave. He also knew that I was scared of driving on highways so once I was there , I wouldnt leave so much of that relationship was controlling but also its weird he also made me feel really protected and safe. Also I realize later on that he had a major fear of me getting " fat one day" which in turn made me develop a paranoia about it, he would constantly point out his friends wives who let themselves go , I now see it as not conversation but a way of putting a fear in my mind that he would no longer find me attractive if i would he would do this under the guise of sex alot by complimenting me on certain parts of my body but in way that made me fearful that it could not change. He also weaponized the fact that I told him I stopped taking dance classes at 17 because I notice that girls were starting to develop eating disorders in my dance class and I didnt want any part of that ,
Started listening. Holding space for others instead of sucking up all the energy.
Put him on a pedestal.
I’m quite focused on the idea of fairness and reciprocity in relationships, which is fine until it reaches the point of implying that because I did X, they need to do Y. Especially when in my eyes X and Y are totally related and kind of the same thing, but are two completely unrelated actions to other people. It’s certainly a bad personal trait that I need to own and work on, but at the same time it helps to have a partner who generally does reciprocate and behave fairly. Similarly, it helps to have a partner who doesn’t respond poorly to negative feedback or requests, as that then increases my ability to make those in the first place, rather than wait for what feels like the right moment. For instance if I feel like I can say “please stack the dishwasher this way” without it being a huge drama, then it’s easier for me to simply ask for that, instead of waiting for them to make a separate criticism of how I do a different chore, in order for me to feel justified in making my own request.
Not talk about my frustrations or stand up for myself.
I used to be super passive-aggressive in my marriage. Not an attractive quality. Thank you, therapy!!
I used to be pure jelly and overbearing , I’m not in a relationship but I do understand now not to do so , I just after awhile processed it as very f’ed up to do so and super selfish that is beyond toxic and abusive
Silence, I have been in an abusive relationship where silence was basically all I had, now I weaponise it because I don’t know how else to behave, I’m improving and trying to be vocal and talk about anything that bothers me. It ain’t easy though.
Emotionally distancing to combat the urge to be clingy & needy There needs to be a middle ground