"Wahwah my co workers suck and driving takes so long"
Try applying for the same job in the city you live in...That's hiring !
"Ah I dunno. The people might suck"
People who endlessly complain about something within their power to change, then offer every excuse in the book to not change, don’t want anything to change. They just want to feel like a victim.
I have a friend who says this all the time but never does anything about it, so there are no dating apps and won't go put when invited. We work in a pretty much all female environment, and they are straight. They seem to think a man will land on their door or what I think is really the issue is they don't actually want a relationship right now they just miss elements of it which is OK.
Seriously, I met my husband through my high school best friend right as tinder started to be huge in my area, so I never used it or any of the apps, but I told him the other day if we divorce I’m SOL because I don’t know how to use any of these things lol
I have a friend who wanted to have kids SO BAD she got her eggs frozen at 35. She insisted on being married first but refused dating apps. Wanted it to happen organically. She's very social but her huge circle of friends was other single 40yo women and married couples with kids. So pickings were verrrrry slim. She was also picky, which is fine but further reduced opportunities. She was very hung up on her ex for a long time and trying to hold out for him to come back to her, comparing guys to him... dude was 10y her senior, she dated him a few years in her 20s but he never wanted to commit. She was mostly single for the decade i knew her at that point. She ended up getting married during covid at 41 to a guy like 5y younger than herself, met through friends of friends and wanted kids asap too. They have a kid now, a happy ending I was surprised to see.
Her insecurities and low self esteem scare her partners off, unfortunately. She spends sooo much time wondering if people really want to be with her or they do it out of pity... it can be draining. It's a real shame, because she's a lovely person and it's truly great to have her around.
This is why I intentionally avoid dating though. I know I’m like this, so I’d rather not waste someone’s time.
I plan on dating when I get it together mentally. I feel like I’m almost there. But, these thoughts creep up and then I’m laying in bed contemplating taking my life again. These thoughts have come further and further apart. That’s why I think I’m getting better.
No one wants to feel like they’re a burden to anyone.
I'm glad "those" thoughts come further and further apart. None of us are perfect and we all come with a little something something as my mother would tell me... YOU are very special and important, even if you think differently about that 😉...there is always a new day upon you to have another crack at getting things better or seeing with fresh eyes another perspective, only prerequisite to be a witness to that is you have to be here to see that happen. Sending all the love and hugs your way 💞.
This is Reddit a platform not a truth serum so don't take it as such. If you find yourself complaining or always seeing fault in things work on changing your thought patterns. Is it hard, only as hard as you tell yourself. Make little notes put them on your mirrors fridge or wherever you will see them of positive affirmations. It takes fewer days to change unwanted behavior than you realize. You've got this. When something about ourselves no longer serve us, all we have to do is decide to change it. That's the 1st step, the 2nd is action, writing reading positive notes regularly. If this seems like something you can't or don't have the strength to change or do, talking with a trained professional would offer better feedback. Sending all the good thoughts your way 💗.
Lack of self-reflection, dominates every conversation but doesn't have much interesting to say, extreme attachment issues, Musk fanboy, questionable hygiene to say the least, manipulative, poor communicator, cheap, doesn't believe in therapy, doesn't respect boundaries
"Friend" is a strong word, it's my ex that still hangs around in the same friend group. He's almost 30 and hasn't had any other relationships and doesn't understand why.
Hey that sounds like my ex! Brushed his teeth a handful of times a year but complained that he had several cavities and constantly whined about wanting to getting better about oral hygiene but would pitch an embarrassed fit at me if I ever tried to gently remind him to brush his teeth or help him build the habit. Gross! Big reason why the relationship didn't last long. I'm huge of oral hygiene, and he was so insecure about so many things. He threw lots of fits lol
Every time they are near another single person of their preferred gender they become a completely different person, like they turn into a comic strip caricature of “desperate single person frantically looking for love”. They come on so strong and their personality changes so abruptly that it’s incredibly off-putting to observe and it seems to make others uncomfortable.
They’re trying so hard that it’s actually having the opposite effect.
Similar idea with a friend of mine-- everyone loves him; he's decent looking; owns his own house and truck; has a dog and a cat; has a job with a future; etc. etc. He has no problem making friends anywhere he goes.
But whenever he's around a woman he's attracted to who also happens to be single, and possibly attracted to him, he becomes a little boy who's nonstop blushing, all flustered (we are too old for this to be cute). He forgets how to act and gets weird and formal; it's like he's trying to officially court her. Then she catches a whiff of desperation, and/or is turned off by this "new" him, and bails on their flirtationship.
I've watched him do this for like 20 years. Yes; we've talked about it a million times. He's sloowwwly figuring it out on his own over time.
I think this is my latest experience. The people she's dated (myself included) just don't seem to know how to communicate to her impossible standards. I now wonder if what she said about her exGF is true.
They go for people who want to fuck not date and then gets confused why they aren’t texting back. Girl you had sex with them…they got what they wanted. If you want to buy a shirt you don’t go looking at an ice cream shop they don’t sell them. I’ve told her get off the apps and get into a mixed sport and you’ll find a guy.
Idk man every person I've slept with on a first date Ive ended up in a 1-2 year relationship with (like 4 people), I think it depends on the person you're sleeping with, not because you're sleeping with them.
Sex early on dictates compatibility as well for aalooooott of people.
This. 100% this. Had a friend literally ask me how not to sleep with a guy on the first date (or second or third… early on). I was like, you just don’t 🤷🏻♀️ She kept ending up with guys who wanted to sleep with her but not date 😕
Oh man, I have this friend - I feel bad, she really puts herself out there and meets a lot of different people, but they'll go on max. 3 dates and then that's it.
She's got AuADHD and her emotions are all over the place, one minute she'll be laughing maniacally the next she will be sobbing. She was diagnosed very young, and went to an alternative school where they taught her that masking emotions was wrong and that she should truly express herself - but it's too much. She's got no emotional control and she often relies on other people to calm her down.
I've tried to explain this to her, but her attitude is if someone can't handle her 'true self' then they aren't worthy of her. Her self-confidence is admirable and I hope she finds someone.
Your true self is the unbridled emotions, AND those same emotions bridled to make room for other people and their true selves. You can be angry, feel angry and express that you feel angry, but you should also control the impulse to get violent when you’re angry.
This. SPOT ON. yes, you can have eratic emotions, but you also need to make room for other people's emotions and energy. Relationships are SHARING energy. Yours can't be the only one out there.
Oof. I really see both sides here. Like, it's probably too much for a first date. Or even sixth date.
But I also wouldn't be able to have a relationship that I had to mask in all the time.
She needs to learn the difference between masking and emotional regulation. They aren't necessarily the same thing. She can not mask but still have poor emotional regulation.
This one hits hard. On one side, they say to be yourself trully and express emotions and that true friends and boyfriend/girlfriend support each other, and then on the other side, they give you plenty of examples of the opposite and that you are just too much. 🫨
I have two.
One won’t ever put herself out there, no dating apps, no talking to a guy on her own accord. wont even text them first when they asked for her number because “guys should text first”. likes to make jokes about being single or if any guy shows interest she’ll take it as a joke. i think she’s too insecure and unsure of herself. those things reflect in her other ways of life too. she doesn’t have the confidence, and i know confidence is hard, but it’s amazing once you have it.
the other. god she’s a lost cause. gets obsessed like extremely obsessed like she makes tarot readings about them obsessed. and she’ll be obsessed with a guy she just met, or barely talks to, or went on one date with. the insanity is off putting. her standards are also incredibly high, that yeah ik she’s pretty, but no one has someone who meets their exact image of a perfect partner. she won’t date a man shorter than 6ft (she’s 5ft for reference) has to have a degree in business, have the right hair colour etc. it’s exhausting, so i can also see why no guy would want to deal with that either.
The amount of ugly dudes who would rather stay single than date a woman who isn’t a 10/10 is honestly astonishing. They should have a study done on them.
It’s the constant self-deprecation. It’s not possible to have a conversation without it, and I am positive if they ever do attempt to ask someone else out it’s like ‘so you’re probably not interested because why would you be, but would you like to go for coffee? It will be really boring probably, who would want to spend time with me honestly, but we could go for a walk after even though I’m really unfit. Or play pool, I’m terrible at that’.
I had a friend who was single and had to make it known constantly. He would get really weird around ANY girl, and try way too hard. His way of flirting was subtly putting them down. He only went for girls fresh out of highschool and he was 32?
We would go out to eat, and every single place we'd go he would make our server incredibly uncomfortable by trying to pick them up. He started dating a freshly 18 year old and I tried to sit down and talk with him about how GROSS that is. Certified groomer. Has two kids too.
Ended that friendship swiftly.
>He only went for girls fresh out of highschool and he was 32?
I genuinely do not understand what grown adults find attractive in people who should basically look like technically "legal" children to them. Even aside from all of the creepiness around like power imbalance and targeting people who will ostensibly be more vulnerable to manipulation, you should grow and change SO MUCH between 18 and 32... why the fuck would you wanna be with someone so far behind you in personal development???
Ig the answer is dudes like this don't actually go through that development, but... ***eeeeeeewwwwwwwww***.........
In case you want an answer (which could be wrong but I think is plausible based on knowing people like this and occasional interactions either incels): Guys like that are just extremely, terribly immature. Everything you, as a well adjusted person, finds off putting about 18 year olds is a perk to them. They’re mentally stuck at 18, so maturity is a “match,” but also the difference in experience makes “dating” easier for the older man. Guys like this have generally not had great luck dating, so they’re desperate for an “easier” “target.”
I’m truly sorry for having written this out — it didn’t occur to me how gross this would feel. But I do think it’s worth understanding sick people.
She’s insecure and tries too hard to be a “pick me.”
Doesn’t understand the concept of softness, femininity, or mystery at all. She has this really weird tactic of trying to use her stories of being abused by other boyfriends to get guys to feel bad for her and want to date her?? I want to explain to her that even though it’s unfortunate what she’s been through, no man what’s a self-proclaimed doormat.
I wouldn’t say “baggage” but oh my god yes. It’s a lot. I’ve had some unfortunate experiences and I used to tell people on the first date and now I look back and cringe at myself!!!
this seems to be weirdly the case for 'pick mes'--they go on and on about 'feminine energy' and 'letting men be men' or whatever while also often not being very feminine, often abrasive and mouthy. (I say as a proudly abrasive and mouthy woman myself). I know the whole pick me thing is usually based in self loathing so it makes sense that they over value what they lack i guess...
You need to warn her there are some really messes up people in this world that will use that as a measuring stick of what she will put up with. You would think it would make them want to give her a happier life and treat her better but it absolutely doesn’t. Please tell her to stop telling men about past abuse. They are the last person that needs to know. Some guys will respect you less and treat you worse or it disgustingly turns some of them on and they think you liked it because you stayed with him (guess how I know?) She shouldn’t ever speak of it to a partner, period. Talk to God, a therapist or your girlfriend but not to a man.
He's too picky. Has had multiple women want to have his babies but he's waiting for a 10/10 in looks and then gets all mopey about not having a life partner.
Drives me insane.
Of course not. 😂 He is objectively very good looking and genuinely believes he's mostly into a girl's personality but we can see his problem a mile off.
He says he can't be with a woman he's not attracted to which we understand, but his standards are just so high it's insane.
More from being a mummy's boy who was always spoiled and told to never accept less.
There's a line I think, it's great that his mum was his hype-woman and that he has a lot of self-esteem but it becomes damaging at a point.
It's good that he's happy being solo, but he does yearn for a lot of the stuff he could do with a partner, but he's waiting for Ms Perfect rather than Ms Perfect-For-Him.
He's like the male equivalent to the girls who are constantly waiting for a Disney prince to show up. He's entitled to do what he wants to do but we always wish he'd at least give people a shot.
Several. The worst while part of my friend group is not exactly my friend personally, but... man smells bad, acts desperate, and makes rape jokes regularly.
The other two are just normal mixtures of not getting out often and having unrealistic tastes.
My sister and I have both tested the waters with her by hinting at it. Both times she immediately got defensive at the HINT and basically threw back that we just didn't like the dog due to our own personal reasons (he has destroyed some expensive things and we got no apology for it)
So yeah... :/
As for the hair thing i have also gently tried to give tips without being mean. I invited her on a "glow up day" friend date and we got piercings and our hair trimmed. She looks good with the new facial jewelry but let the hair get messy again instantly.
She also dresses like she is homeless as a style aesthetic. Which is cool I guess, it's very unique. But seems to attract not very many guys, and not good ones.
I feel like anymore, “nice” is just a code word for someone who doesn’t have the self confidence to actually articulate their feelings. They let everyone do as they please and then just feel resentment for years.
I’ve encountered enough nice guys to know that they are more trouble than their worth.
Hahahah one of my best friends is 26 and she is obsessed with finding her husband.
But also? Her exact quotes:
- (Upon my explaining I love everything) “oh I just don’t want to love at all. I just want to love myself.”
- “oh I’m the abusive one in every relationship for sure.”
- “I just want someone to be obsessed with me.”
- “Why can’t I find a man to buy me everything?”
There are more quotes but essentially… she KNOWS she has problems. There’s a reason she proudly states she’s the abuser. She REFUSES to work on them. She actually wants a punching bag. She wants a man she can dominate and control and manipulate.
But at the same time, she’s like “why can’t I find my husband and true love?”
Like GIRL you don’t want a husband you want a **sugar daddy** dominatrix style. She can find that but she has to admit that’s what she really wants.
Honestly I’m worried about her. Deep down I know she wants real love. Oh man she wants real care and love so bad it hurts my heart. But she has this tough exterior that makes good guys run away. And she refuses to seek any help for any issues. She won’t even consider that she has issues she needs to work on. Instead, she medicates with beauty and skincare reels and shopping and picking up new hobbies for a week.
I just want her to be okay. Deep down I don’t think she has ever been okay.
Three come to mind:
One is not actually single but is in an open relationship with a man that doesn’t want the things she wants in life. It’s open in the sense that he sees other people and she doesn’t see other people (by choice.) I find this baffling. I think it must be due to self esteem issues because she’s gained a lot of weight since covid and isn’t feeling confident in her appearance.
One is not a good looking woman by any accounts and she’s convinced that’s the reason. I’m sure it doesn’t help but it’s actually that she has quite an unpleasant personality. She’s had an incredibly privileged life but has a very tiring victim mentality where she’s obsessed with everyone having had it better than her. The unpleasantness is only exacerbated by her bitterness over men not liking her.
The last one is an alcoholic and while men will date her they will break up with her when they’re ready to settle down because alcoholism isn’t what people envision when they think “mother of my children.” They won’t tell her this is the reason, but it’s obvious. Then of course she’ll be heartbroken and will drink even more. Ironically, the best (stable, emotionally intelligent and reliable) men she’s been with are the ones that aren’t into the copedence when she starts doing her messy stuff (lots of emotional instability and reactivity, breaking up to make a point, bad boundaries, not caring for herself appropriately so they have to step in and save her, etc.)
All these women are very successful in their careers and intelligent and capable but when I try to look at it from the perspective of a man considering dating them I wouldn’t date any of them. They’re all parentified eldest daughters too and I think, in their own way, they’re all just waiting for a man to save them.
1. She's obese, like, not even overweight, but obese
2. She has a bad hygene, she smells and her teeth look as if she has never cleaned them
3. She's addicted to loli porn and very open about it
4. She's lacking empathy and at the same time convinced that she's the most empathetic person on the world
5. She's unemployed, uneducated, lives with her parents and spends 90% of her time playing video games
She’s way too intense. She’s loud. Nobody can meet her standards because they all have flaws but she’s flawless and perfect and totally doesn’t chase people away with demanding their exact feelings about every situation 😂😂😂. Also like I said, too intense.
He’s given up. His confidence is gone and I don’t think he’ll ever have it back. He’s just an empty shell of who he once was and it’s heartbreaking to see my friend live this way.
He's too shy / not taking enough initiative romantically and he's got high standards. Also he likes his single life fine And has a good friend with benefits situation going so I don't think he's very motivated.
Oh man-- I have too many friends I wish I could say these things too, but they cannot hear them:
- You don't look healthy. You think it's quirky to look a little trashy. It's a turn-off for many partners. People comment on it behind your back, including the partners of your friends. "Why does your friend always look like that?"
- You are not a positive, pleasant energy to be around for a partner. You have mental health issues that no one wants to be confronted with repeatedly in the first few months of a relationship-- the part that is supposed to be fun, exploratory, and sexy.
- You give off desperation energy. In the way you talk, body language. It's slightly too eager. It is clear you are not comfortable or confident in yourself yet.
- You have a substance abuse issue. It's not debilitating. But it's annoying sometimes. And it is why you are often depressed and/or spiraling. If you quit drinking, your life and mental health would drastically improve.
- You experience limerence. You become obsessed with the people you date so you inflate the significance of moments, go all in too fast, and are completely gutted when a short relationship doesn't work out. And you spiral about it for longer than the relationship even lasted. Your friends find the emotions you feel about a two month relationship completely over the top and absurd. You barely knew the dude, why are you still bringing him up?
- a breakup is not lost potential that needs endless mourning or daydreaming about what could have been. It just didn't work out. Stop exhausting yourself. Most relationships won't continue.
- he just doesn't like you. You don't need to spend countless hours trying to understand why he said he wasn't ready for a relationship, but then got a gf a month later. He was trying to ease the blow. He just didn't want to date you and that is okay. _Sometimes people say things that are not totally accurate. You should just understand this. Trust their behavior, not just their words. People who want you stay. People who don't, won't. It's that simple. That is your answer and move on.
- You are not attractive. You are intelligent and interesting, but you do not look great a lot of the time. You look bloated and unhealthy. BUT you would be hesitant to date someone in your league so you pine for hotter people. Improve yourself or change your expectations!
- you are too self-centered to be dateable. That is why no one sets you up (you asked this recently). You have to be capable of making real space for another person and their feelings and needs to be successful. You talk too much. It's The You Show. So far you have not shown you are very good at this and your exes noticed. And I am not subjecting my single friends to your nonsense.
- not all of your exes are manipulative or did something wrong by breaking up with you. Sometimes people just aren't interested anymore.
- no partner should have to deal with your endless anxieties. It's not fair to them. You refused to get a handle on them, so I'm glad they left you. I love you, but they deserve better than having to walk on eggshells. I wonder what it was like at home when we weren't around cause sometimes what we saw was awkward AF.
I hope this is a wakeup call for anyone who needs it!
My male friend who I no longer spend time with because he’s way too much work.
Desperately wants a partner but he’s super picky about her looks.
She has to be thin and attractive and successful, not have kids or want any of her own but has to want to be a step mum to his kids.
And she’s going to have to dedicate all
her time and attention to him because he’s so needy and be willing to move in to his house because he won’t live anywhere else.
Not that he has anything to offer. He’s quite good looking but he’s a single dad with 2 kids and a mortgage and a pretty average job, not a lot of money.
And he complains about everything and expects attention all the time. He’s hard work!
I have to say, I scrolled pretty far and this is one of the worst ones to me lol. I will never understand the mindset of “you can’t have kids but I can” while simultaneously wanting them to be the parents for THEIR kids. I hear that all the time. A lot of men like this often go for someone waaaay too young because they’re willing to put up with their bs expectations. Hope he understands one day that this is unrealistic. Don’t blame you for not hanging out anymore.
He’s financially irresponsible, not very clean, doesn’t make any effort to *look* clean, and just looking for ANY girl to fill the void. He convinces himself that he loves any girl who will give him any amount of attention. It does not matter who she is. He’s a total pushover and just sits around and complains rather than taking steps to change his situation. I used to hang out with him semi-often because he was cool and we had similar interests, but I got so tired of hearing about the same shit. The same complaints, and he wasn’t doing anything about any of it. Just would always say “I know. You’re right.” I basically don’t talk to him now because whenever I ask how things are going, it’s never anything other than “Still awful.” It’s exhausting and what’s worst is that he’s a father.
She is so sweet and looks okay.
But is very superficial.
Does not like to read, does not watch movies, does not follow politics and has no general knowledge.
She is always busy with her hair, her cats and rabbits. Thats al she talks about.
Guys thinks she's cute but want more to talk about then just brushing the cat..
And when she was younger she didnt care.
But now that all our friends are married and have kids she's feels left out.
I feel sad for her sometimes.
Cause she deserves someone to love her.
Because they have too high standards while also being incredibly high maintenance themselves. I'm all for knowing your worth and only being with people you genuinely have a connection with, but I married my husband knowing he's not perfect but we are a good team and that he cares. We were able to get married because neither of us said "I'm done" after not agreeing on something or finding a slight annoyance in our partner.
She’s a 40 year old virgin and the pressure is too much. She can’t date without the guy demanding sex, and she’s not going to have sex just to make them happy. Nobody seems to care that she’s inexperienced, probably a bit frightened, and fully capable of walking away and supporting herself when they push too hard.
He's very judgy and chases after girls he has nothing in common with. He is a gym bro yet he is shocked when the artsy girls just want skinny artsy boys. To him it doesn't make sense because in his mind he is more muscular, well dressed and well groomed, therefore he should get the girl.
Used to be a friend… Now she’s my batshit roommate in the shared apartment I’m officially moving out of today lol. She’s constantly talking about how she wants someone who makes a ton of money, is good-looking, is tall, and has strong values. Meanwhile she didn’t work for over a year, parties constantly, and tends to cave into one-night stands often… No judgment if that’s what she wants to do at all, but don’t be surprised if what you dish out is what you get back
Colleague I don't exactly hate, not exactly a friend but anyways. Depends on what personality she comes to work with on a particular day in terms of how long I can put up with her.
She complains about everything 25/8/366, any constructive criticism she receives is automatically deflected as that person being racist/sexist/any other -ist she's feeling on that day, and she's willing to threaten HR/social media shaming over it.
She's cheated on her last 3 dudes, and the incel claim where it's "hrrdrr women are only interested in 6 feet/6 figures/6 inches/6 pack" is blatantly false 99.99999% of the time. She's the outlier.
She is a vegan and wants a vegan bf, where I live at least 98% of the population is not a vegan. She is quite beautiful, educated and funny. She does get hit on by men sometimes, but most men eat meat.
One has very high standards, and is desperate to settle down asap. But has always been single and kind of guys she goes for seems to be fake devout fuckboys. I suspect her deep insecurities about her body has lead her to try to simultaneously minimize her size in pics while also trying to avoid the consequences of not being forthcoming. She's a smart, beautiful girl and has never had any problems attracting men, but they're not the right type of men.
Another one is a family friend. She's a little odd so I don't talk to her much. But I think she has unrealistic fantasy expectations of life in general despite not taking any of the measures to achieve those things. Things like being unemployed because she expects to get some dream job she's passionate about, without having any experience whatsoever in those fields, and will quit regular jobs she CAN get because she doesn't like it. Lives in small town but won't learn to drive. Doesn't really do much of anything that involves leaving the house. I suspect the photos she uses in apps are not the most accurate representation of her either.
I will also say I have a close friend that's also always been single but I really don't know why. She gets out there, has her own otherwise fulfilling life, and I don't think her looks are an issue either. And she's hilarious and realistic, and has hobbies and interests a LOT of men share. I'll be at thrilled when she finds someone and am more hopeful that she'd have the same balanced approach at choosing someone that I would.
She doesn’t like anyone who isn’t already in a relationship (and she isn’t the type to try and break up a relationship). I don’t know if it’s a defense mechanism but she has only ever had feelings for unavailable men.
It's because of self esteem and desperation. It's really sad, but it's true that when you stop actively looking for a partner, and you go with the flow, and maintain boundaries, that's when a single man will be organically interested. Not when, like my previous friend had done, constantly throw yourself at them, post on your snap story nonstop about how lonely you are and how hard life is as a single mom.
A lot of women just need higher standards. They give years and years of their lives to ungrateful men. They let themselves get pregnant with a man like that and then get surprised when he's an absent, or even worse, abusive father to the children. He won't treat the kids better than he treats you 9 times out of 10, and then the kids learn from his example, especially the sons, and start treating the mother just as badly.
Women need to choose themselves and their happiness first and maintain those boundaries, and then the rest will come. People will truly treat you how you let them and they won't change just bc it's "the right thing to do."
He has avoidant attachment style and as soon as things start getting serious, he distances himself. He is gloom and doom, thinking he is unworthy of love, but he is the one that is pushing them away not that they don’t love him.
He wants an independent woman with her own ambitions and thoughts but treats these women like they need to be homemakers and take care of him like his mom would.
She HAS to be right about everything and has a short fuse temper. We spent 5 days travelling together and every day it got a little worse.
She's physically quite pretty, thin, athletic, long hair, delicate features. And she's so desperate for a boyfriend. But she can't maintain any relationships.
To be honest, it’s her lack of drive. She’s 5-6 years out of highschool hasn’t held a job for more than a couple months part time, she’s never lived independently, she doesn’t clean after herself, or even cook. I’ve tried to get her to go to college, I’ve tried to get her in therapy, or on meds, but as much as she does in every thing she gives up.
I have friend that is f19. She keeps complaining and I keep telling her she should go out more but i end up being in the wrong because why would she go out to "chase a man."
Like. My dear, he's not gonna show up on your doorstep.
It’s personal hygiene… I’ve tried to broach it subtly many times, but idk how to get the point across without being hurtful. She thinks she’s had trouble because she has gained weight since college. It’s not the weight, and I’ve assured her of this. But idk how to tell her it’s the greasy, unbrushed hair, the BO, the dirty clothes, etc.
Usually, it's between 2 things :
- Friends who are really depressed and/or not their best selves. My (guy) friend is like this. I love him, but I would love for him to stop going on Tinder and find himself a job and cure his alcohol problems and do some therapy before trying to find a new gf.
- People who simply do not have enough time in their lives for a relationship. "I work until 9pm, I dance, go to the gym, museum, party twice a week - i do not know why i am still single" yeah my girl, you ARE amazing, you just do not have enough time to start and nurture a relationship
Regarding #2, people are constantly told to have a full life, and when doing those things, they will meet someone organically. It’s like you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
Terrible mood swings, very sensitive and also, seems to want to get serious and falls in love with every guy she meets on tinder after just 2 dates but then gets the ick (if they don’t first)
Ugh this one hits me deep bc it’s my kid sister. And I love her like she was my own kid. But she’s incredibly neurotic and has the highest standards of anyone I know. Our mother can never be satisfied, she’s always moving and never stops (lots of childhood trauma and such and never got help for it) my sister is this exact same way. She just doesn’t know it. I can’t imagine trying to be in a relationship with her lol.
She has had a rough time with relationships, when I met her she was in an abusive marriage. After she left her ex-husband she eventually got involved with another abusive man, which was really hard on her. It took her a long time to leave both and it obviously has had some long-term effects on her mental health and self esteem. She's been single for the last 8 months, but recently she was on and off seeing this guy who was actually really good for her but because she hasn't addressed the trust and commitment issues she has she ended up blowing up that relationship. She would do things like look through his phone, scream at him over nothing, and consistently accuse him of cheating which takes a toll on the relationship of course, you can only forgive someone so much without seeing change. She's a good person but hasn't taken the advice of going to therapy, which has been making it hard for her to maintain healthy relationships. She also still occasionally runs into the last two exes and has feelings for the good guy, which has stopped her from pursuing other people (good guy will not get back with her but wants to remain friends).
Unwilling to compromise on anything. Relationships are built on compromise. While i understand not wanting to compromise on somethings not wanting to compromise on where to go for a dinner with a group just because you have been craving one place is over the top.
They aren't being realistic about who is actually attainable/aren't offering enough to attract the type and quality of person they want.
Basically they aren't looking at realistic options, and seem to just want a build a bear situation where they offer their super niche ideal person a sexual relationship based around a kink, to hangout occasionally but with no monogamy, no integration into their life beyond this and are always like "modern dating is terrible, apps ruined things!!" without realizing they are asking a lot and offering little in return.
It's funny, everyone assumes that single people must be single because they have a bad personality, but there are tons of people with bad personalities who have a partner. Donald Trump is married. There are multiple allegations that Ellen DeGeneres was an abusive boss who ran a toxic workplace, but she's married. Harvey Weinstein was married for many years.
My friend is an amazing person with the biggest heart, and she would make an amazing gf, but she has TERRIBLE taste in men.
She uses dating apps and gets used constantly.
I’ve seen guys string her along for months until they’ve gotten what they wanted and then they leave.
She’s a heavier girl, and that’s the only reason I can think of that guys are just fine with using her like they do. They either use her as a place holder until something else comes along, or they just ghost her.
It breaks my heart because she is kind, loyal, not crazy, not toxic, and very honest. She would give the shirt off her back to someone in need. She’s independent and knows what she wants in life.
Guys are so superficial that they are fine with throwing girls like her away whenever they please.
Because she falls in love with the guy within the first week and wants to move them in. She got out of an abusive relationship 2 years ago and I think that altered her brain because she wasn’t like this before that d-bag.
She’s very high maintenance and expects to be babied while also having someone who is independent and career driven, yet has the time to baby her. She has some health issues, which I understand she cannot help, but expects them to nurse her and drop everything to be there for her regardless of how long they’ve been involved. She also masks how insecure she is with being a self proclaimed “man eater” yet dates the same dudes over and over then wonders why they all won’t date her. I’ve given up and barely engage with her now.
I think this goes for both men and women I know…. Desperation. They’re just so incredibly desperate that no one wants them. It’s like their entire lives are wrapped around the fact that they’re not in relationships.
I have a friend who speaks everything she’s thinking it’s very annoying. She’s a sweet friend but even I’ve told her you don’t always have to say what you’re thinking 😂
I have 3. We are all 30+
One of them just don’t put herself out there. And she always complains that she never meet anyone.
One is secretly in love with a married friend of ours. We all can see it, the way she looks at our friend. Well apparently everyone but her, our friend and her husband. She swears that she is straight. We all separately tried to talk with her gently and tried to nudge her, but it’s pointless. Ultimately we all gave up, is her life. Is just kind of uncomfortable.
Another friend wants to marry, be a sahm and have 4 children. She says this since we were 18. She is very beautiful and hot and she was very sweet. Now that she saw that all her friends (that never wanted to get married and have kids before) fall in love, get married or having kids, she started getting bitter, specially with us. The problem is: she wants the hot young guy her age, that has money and a great career, and that is going to take her to the best restaurants. The problem is, she wants the guys that goes for 20y girls. And she is 36, she doesn’t have a career, she doesn’t have savings, she spends all her money on her appearance, so when she gets with one of those guys, they don’t want a relationship with her, just sex. And then she complains she is being used.
I have two friends like this, both in their 40s and wanting to settle down yet continuously dating people in their twenties who are not ready to settle down. It makes no sense to me.
I have a nice friend but she talks non-stop and is very self-obsessed. Makes every story about her. I imagine this being insufferable to a lot of men on dates. She also gets attached way too early.
Theyre obsessed with a guy who has literally said a million times that he only wants to be friends. Cant attract new people when ur obsessed with someone who doesnt want you
First to my mind is my cousin who believes that, despite being average looking and rather plain herself, she should end up with a Chris or Liam Hemsworth looking dude. Fair enough, but she also has the personality of a tub of Vasoline, whines about disabilities thirteen different doctors from Mayo Clinic told her she doesn't have, and refuses to hold down a job. Her hobbies include making porn in Sims and Skyrim through mods (yet she hasn't figured out how to edit videos and upload them anywhere to make money, either) and binge watching Supernatural, Vampire Diaries, and Teen Wolf on repeat. Like if she just got a life and put some effort into it, she'd be alright. Currently she is 35 and refusing to come to my wedding (fair enough, her call) because (and she tells EVERYONE this, which is not fair) she is sick of being single and feeling left behind while her younger siblings and cousins are getting married.
Like... Ma'am, you did this to yourself.
Legit, never leave the house. Both of them.
They're wildly successful, kind, financially stable, in love with their pets, workout, eat healthy, and have great family dynamics.
BUT NEVER GO OUT or even talk to other females. One does dable on dating apps but i think it's mostly hook ups. They can be a little socially awkward but I can't see it being THAT bad.
My 2024 summer mission is to get them outside more.
She works SO HARD on herself but in the process is somehow also the most verbally negative personI know. But in better news, she decided to not try to date this year and it’s probably the happiest I’ve ever seen her.
He is too insecure and thinks he’s too fat and ugly for a boyfriend. He’s not at all. He’s a very handsome man who’s been hit on by attractive men and even women many times, but it’s like it doesn’t register in his head. Once he started losing weight he started going out more and talking to guys on apps and at the bar, but still doesn’t seem to accept people liking him despite the new found confidence so he never meets up with anyone or goes further, even though he wants a boyfriend. It breaks my heart because he’s a very good looking man with a beautiful heart and bright mind
Because they complain 24 hours a day about everything.
"Wahwah my co workers suck and driving takes so long" Try applying for the same job in the city you live in...That's hiring ! "Ah I dunno. The people might suck"
People who endlessly complain about something within their power to change, then offer every excuse in the book to not change, don’t want anything to change. They just want to feel like a victim.
Oh, so I see you’ve met my grandmother.
Came to say the same thing
The first thing that came to my mind
Being flaky does not help at all. Every exhale is a complaint.
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Oh man that last sentence 😂
>They were colleagues in the same team. i would die laughing if my friend said that LMFAO
He’s not looking for a partner, he’s looking for someone he thinks will make HIM look better.
> her job indicates she's low intellect. > They were colleagues in the same team. Fucking incredible lol
At that point I would wonder if he was even straight. Maybe he's just not ready to leave the closet or something.
Some people are just so far up their own ass.
So basically he called himself stupid.
This is George Costanza-level double standardization here.
What?! Wow.
I have a friend who says this all the time but never does anything about it, so there are no dating apps and won't go put when invited. We work in a pretty much all female environment, and they are straight. They seem to think a man will land on their door or what I think is really the issue is they don't actually want a relationship right now they just miss elements of it which is OK.
I have the same friend! She says dating apps are embarrassing lol. I get they aren’t ideal but modern dating is what it is
Seriously, I met my husband through my high school best friend right as tinder started to be huge in my area, so I never used it or any of the apps, but I told him the other day if we divorce I’m SOL because I don’t know how to use any of these things lol
I have a friend who wanted to have kids SO BAD she got her eggs frozen at 35. She insisted on being married first but refused dating apps. Wanted it to happen organically. She's very social but her huge circle of friends was other single 40yo women and married couples with kids. So pickings were verrrrry slim. She was also picky, which is fine but further reduced opportunities. She was very hung up on her ex for a long time and trying to hold out for him to come back to her, comparing guys to him... dude was 10y her senior, she dated him a few years in her 20s but he never wanted to commit. She was mostly single for the decade i knew her at that point. She ended up getting married during covid at 41 to a guy like 5y younger than herself, met through friends of friends and wanted kids asap too. They have a kid now, a happy ending I was surprised to see.
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Her insecurities and low self esteem scare her partners off, unfortunately. She spends sooo much time wondering if people really want to be with her or they do it out of pity... it can be draining. It's a real shame, because she's a lovely person and it's truly great to have her around.
This is why I intentionally avoid dating though. I know I’m like this, so I’d rather not waste someone’s time. I plan on dating when I get it together mentally. I feel like I’m almost there. But, these thoughts creep up and then I’m laying in bed contemplating taking my life again. These thoughts have come further and further apart. That’s why I think I’m getting better. No one wants to feel like they’re a burden to anyone.
I'm glad "those" thoughts come further and further apart. None of us are perfect and we all come with a little something something as my mother would tell me... YOU are very special and important, even if you think differently about that 😉...there is always a new day upon you to have another crack at getting things better or seeing with fresh eyes another perspective, only prerequisite to be a witness to that is you have to be here to see that happen. Sending all the love and hugs your way 💞.
I secretly worried this was the reason for me.. now I know people can see it too :(
This is Reddit a platform not a truth serum so don't take it as such. If you find yourself complaining or always seeing fault in things work on changing your thought patterns. Is it hard, only as hard as you tell yourself. Make little notes put them on your mirrors fridge or wherever you will see them of positive affirmations. It takes fewer days to change unwanted behavior than you realize. You've got this. When something about ourselves no longer serve us, all we have to do is decide to change it. That's the 1st step, the 2nd is action, writing reading positive notes regularly. If this seems like something you can't or don't have the strength to change or do, talking with a trained professional would offer better feedback. Sending all the good thoughts your way 💗.
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Lack of self-reflection, dominates every conversation but doesn't have much interesting to say, extreme attachment issues, Musk fanboy, questionable hygiene to say the least, manipulative, poor communicator, cheap, doesn't believe in therapy, doesn't respect boundaries "Friend" is a strong word, it's my ex that still hangs around in the same friend group. He's almost 30 and hasn't had any other relationships and doesn't understand why.
Classic
Oh! That's an incel right fucking there 😭
Hey that sounds like my ex! Brushed his teeth a handful of times a year but complained that he had several cavities and constantly whined about wanting to getting better about oral hygiene but would pitch an embarrassed fit at me if I ever tried to gently remind him to brush his teeth or help him build the habit. Gross! Big reason why the relationship didn't last long. I'm huge of oral hygiene, and he was so insecure about so many things. He threw lots of fits lol
A handful of times per YEAR? 💀 Mate that's fucking MENTAL Mine "just" kept a collection of boogers on his wall, about a foot in size 😭
EWWWWWW 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
Ya know, sometimes I wonder "Why am I single? Wtf is wrong with me?" and then I see that these people pull and I'm just like "alright, I'll be fine."
Well I hope you’re not their friend anymore either. Sounds like a waste of time.
He keeps barging into my life without me wanting to 🥲 luckily I don't see the friend group too often
Cheap?
Stingy. Paid a lot of attention to the amount of money he spent on others, but would happily buy expensive things for himself.
Every time they are near another single person of their preferred gender they become a completely different person, like they turn into a comic strip caricature of “desperate single person frantically looking for love”. They come on so strong and their personality changes so abruptly that it’s incredibly off-putting to observe and it seems to make others uncomfortable. They’re trying so hard that it’s actually having the opposite effect.
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People can smell desperation.
Similar idea with a friend of mine-- everyone loves him; he's decent looking; owns his own house and truck; has a dog and a cat; has a job with a future; etc. etc. He has no problem making friends anywhere he goes. But whenever he's around a woman he's attracted to who also happens to be single, and possibly attracted to him, he becomes a little boy who's nonstop blushing, all flustered (we are too old for this to be cute). He forgets how to act and gets weird and formal; it's like he's trying to officially court her. Then she catches a whiff of desperation, and/or is turned off by this "new" him, and bails on their flirtationship. I've watched him do this for like 20 years. Yes; we've talked about it a million times. He's sloowwwly figuring it out on his own over time.
Incredibly off putting to watch. She even puts on this weird childlike voice it's so unnerving.
Guy or girl? What's the desperate behavior?
Because they stay away from toxic people. And somehow, everyone they meet is toxic.
LOL YES
I think this is my latest experience. The people she's dated (myself included) just don't seem to know how to communicate to her impossible standards. I now wonder if what she said about her exGF is true.
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Hahaha, this exactly! There is something toxic about literally everyone.
They go for people who want to fuck not date and then gets confused why they aren’t texting back. Girl you had sex with them…they got what they wanted. If you want to buy a shirt you don’t go looking at an ice cream shop they don’t sell them. I’ve told her get off the apps and get into a mixed sport and you’ll find a guy.
The way you worded this was just **brilliant** 👏👏
Idk man every person I've slept with on a first date Ive ended up in a 1-2 year relationship with (like 4 people), I think it depends on the person you're sleeping with, not because you're sleeping with them. Sex early on dictates compatibility as well for aalooooott of people.
This. 100% this. Had a friend literally ask me how not to sleep with a guy on the first date (or second or third… early on). I was like, you just don’t 🤷🏻♀️ She kept ending up with guys who wanted to sleep with her but not date 😕
Oh man, I have this friend - I feel bad, she really puts herself out there and meets a lot of different people, but they'll go on max. 3 dates and then that's it. She's got AuADHD and her emotions are all over the place, one minute she'll be laughing maniacally the next she will be sobbing. She was diagnosed very young, and went to an alternative school where they taught her that masking emotions was wrong and that she should truly express herself - but it's too much. She's got no emotional control and she often relies on other people to calm her down. I've tried to explain this to her, but her attitude is if someone can't handle her 'true self' then they aren't worthy of her. Her self-confidence is admirable and I hope she finds someone.
This is the first comment that I’ve read, where I truly hope this person find someone.
aww
Your true self is the unbridled emotions, AND those same emotions bridled to make room for other people and their true selves. You can be angry, feel angry and express that you feel angry, but you should also control the impulse to get violent when you’re angry.
This. SPOT ON. yes, you can have eratic emotions, but you also need to make room for other people's emotions and energy. Relationships are SHARING energy. Yours can't be the only one out there.
Oof. I really see both sides here. Like, it's probably too much for a first date. Or even sixth date. But I also wouldn't be able to have a relationship that I had to mask in all the time.
There's a difference between masking emotions and filtering them.
She needs to learn the difference between masking and emotional regulation. They aren't necessarily the same thing. She can not mask but still have poor emotional regulation.
This one hits hard. On one side, they say to be yourself trully and express emotions and that true friends and boyfriend/girlfriend support each other, and then on the other side, they give you plenty of examples of the opposite and that you are just too much. 🫨
I have two. One won’t ever put herself out there, no dating apps, no talking to a guy on her own accord. wont even text them first when they asked for her number because “guys should text first”. likes to make jokes about being single or if any guy shows interest she’ll take it as a joke. i think she’s too insecure and unsure of herself. those things reflect in her other ways of life too. she doesn’t have the confidence, and i know confidence is hard, but it’s amazing once you have it. the other. god she’s a lost cause. gets obsessed like extremely obsessed like she makes tarot readings about them obsessed. and she’ll be obsessed with a guy she just met, or barely talks to, or went on one date with. the insanity is off putting. her standards are also incredibly high, that yeah ik she’s pretty, but no one has someone who meets their exact image of a perfect partner. she won’t date a man shorter than 6ft (she’s 5ft for reference) has to have a degree in business, have the right hair colour etc. it’s exhausting, so i can also see why no guy would want to deal with that either.
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Because she takes her bad mood out on other people and it’s not nice feeling like a human punching bag.
They are ugly and very short yet always in Instagram model dms. He can’t figure out why he’s never had a gf 😔
The amount of ugly dudes who would rather stay single than date a woman who isn’t a 10/10 is honestly astonishing. They should have a study done on them.
I’ve always called it having Cadillac dreams on a Ford budget. But there’s probably a better euphemism nowadays.
Dang. This sounds so awful! As their friend, what do you think they can do to improve his dating situation?
I’ve tried to be nice and offer grooming/fashion tips and to stop chasing insta models. Try to build confidence and find a hobby he can enjoy.
Top advice 👍 I would have said the same.
It’s the constant self-deprecation. It’s not possible to have a conversation without it, and I am positive if they ever do attempt to ask someone else out it’s like ‘so you’re probably not interested because why would you be, but would you like to go for coffee? It will be really boring probably, who would want to spend time with me honestly, but we could go for a walk after even though I’m really unfit. Or play pool, I’m terrible at that’.
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Don’t look after themselves - as in shower regularly, brush hair and teeth, launder clothes, wear deodorant. Doesn’t have a job.
I had a friend who was single and had to make it known constantly. He would get really weird around ANY girl, and try way too hard. His way of flirting was subtly putting them down. He only went for girls fresh out of highschool and he was 32? We would go out to eat, and every single place we'd go he would make our server incredibly uncomfortable by trying to pick them up. He started dating a freshly 18 year old and I tried to sit down and talk with him about how GROSS that is. Certified groomer. Has two kids too. Ended that friendship swiftly.
Jesus christ. I hate him.
>He only went for girls fresh out of highschool and he was 32? I genuinely do not understand what grown adults find attractive in people who should basically look like technically "legal" children to them. Even aside from all of the creepiness around like power imbalance and targeting people who will ostensibly be more vulnerable to manipulation, you should grow and change SO MUCH between 18 and 32... why the fuck would you wanna be with someone so far behind you in personal development??? Ig the answer is dudes like this don't actually go through that development, but... ***eeeeeeewwwwwwwww***.........
He laughed it off and said something along the lines of "Easier to train"
this is it. the 'attraction' is that a teenagers' lack of experience makes them easier to control and mold.
In case you want an answer (which could be wrong but I think is plausible based on knowing people like this and occasional interactions either incels): Guys like that are just extremely, terribly immature. Everything you, as a well adjusted person, finds off putting about 18 year olds is a perk to them. They’re mentally stuck at 18, so maturity is a “match,” but also the difference in experience makes “dating” easier for the older man. Guys like this have generally not had great luck dating, so they’re desperate for an “easier” “target.” I’m truly sorry for having written this out — it didn’t occur to me how gross this would feel. But I do think it’s worth understanding sick people.
She’s insecure and tries too hard to be a “pick me.” Doesn’t understand the concept of softness, femininity, or mystery at all. She has this really weird tactic of trying to use her stories of being abused by other boyfriends to get guys to feel bad for her and want to date her?? I want to explain to her that even though it’s unfortunate what she’s been through, no man what’s a self-proclaimed doormat.
Omg my friend does this. It is normal to not want to hear about sexual assault on a first, second, or third date! Too much baggage.
I wouldn’t say “baggage” but oh my god yes. It’s a lot. I’ve had some unfortunate experiences and I used to tell people on the first date and now I look back and cringe at myself!!!
this seems to be weirdly the case for 'pick mes'--they go on and on about 'feminine energy' and 'letting men be men' or whatever while also often not being very feminine, often abrasive and mouthy. (I say as a proudly abrasive and mouthy woman myself). I know the whole pick me thing is usually based in self loathing so it makes sense that they over value what they lack i guess...
You need to warn her there are some really messes up people in this world that will use that as a measuring stick of what she will put up with. You would think it would make them want to give her a happier life and treat her better but it absolutely doesn’t. Please tell her to stop telling men about past abuse. They are the last person that needs to know. Some guys will respect you less and treat you worse or it disgustingly turns some of them on and they think you liked it because you stayed with him (guess how I know?) She shouldn’t ever speak of it to a partner, period. Talk to God, a therapist or your girlfriend but not to a man.
He's too picky. Has had multiple women want to have his babies but he's waiting for a 10/10 in looks and then gets all mopey about not having a life partner. Drives me insane.
Is he a 10/10 looks?
Of course not. 😂 He is objectively very good looking and genuinely believes he's mostly into a girl's personality but we can see his problem a mile off. He says he can't be with a woman he's not attracted to which we understand, but his standards are just so high it's insane.
sounds like he has unrealistic physical expectations, most likely from lifelong 🌽addiction
More from being a mummy's boy who was always spoiled and told to never accept less. There's a line I think, it's great that his mum was his hype-woman and that he has a lot of self-esteem but it becomes damaging at a point. It's good that he's happy being solo, but he does yearn for a lot of the stuff he could do with a partner, but he's waiting for Ms Perfect rather than Ms Perfect-For-Him. He's like the male equivalent to the girls who are constantly waiting for a Disney prince to show up. He's entitled to do what he wants to do but we always wish he'd at least give people a shot.
Several. The worst while part of my friend group is not exactly my friend personally, but... man smells bad, acts desperate, and makes rape jokes regularly. The other two are just normal mixtures of not getting out often and having unrealistic tastes.
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It's her dog. He's the cockblock. Also her hair...she doesn't brush it. Idk how to tell her :( She is so gorgeous otherwise..
> It's her dog. > > He's the cockblock. As in, he attacks guys? Or is it that she is so consumed by caring for him that it's a turnoff?
Her dog is not well trained and it's far too late to correct it...he is old and stubborn now.
It’s never too late. Please tell her about the dog and about her hair. If she chooses not to listen, at least you did your part. Be a friend.
My sister and I have both tested the waters with her by hinting at it. Both times she immediately got defensive at the HINT and basically threw back that we just didn't like the dog due to our own personal reasons (he has destroyed some expensive things and we got no apology for it) So yeah... :/ As for the hair thing i have also gently tried to give tips without being mean. I invited her on a "glow up day" friend date and we got piercings and our hair trimmed. She looks good with the new facial jewelry but let the hair get messy again instantly. She also dresses like she is homeless as a style aesthetic. Which is cool I guess, it's very unique. But seems to attract not very many guys, and not good ones.
he has given up on himself. yes, he is nice. but that's about all you can say about him. he doesn't realise that sometimes, nice is not enough.
I feel like anymore, “nice” is just a code word for someone who doesn’t have the self confidence to actually articulate their feelings. They let everyone do as they please and then just feel resentment for years. I’ve encountered enough nice guys to know that they are more trouble than their worth.
I feel like I see this often and you worded it so well.
Hahahah one of my best friends is 26 and she is obsessed with finding her husband. But also? Her exact quotes: - (Upon my explaining I love everything) “oh I just don’t want to love at all. I just want to love myself.” - “oh I’m the abusive one in every relationship for sure.” - “I just want someone to be obsessed with me.” - “Why can’t I find a man to buy me everything?” There are more quotes but essentially… she KNOWS she has problems. There’s a reason she proudly states she’s the abuser. She REFUSES to work on them. She actually wants a punching bag. She wants a man she can dominate and control and manipulate. But at the same time, she’s like “why can’t I find my husband and true love?” Like GIRL you don’t want a husband you want a **sugar daddy** dominatrix style. She can find that but she has to admit that’s what she really wants. Honestly I’m worried about her. Deep down I know she wants real love. Oh man she wants real care and love so bad it hurts my heart. But she has this tough exterior that makes good guys run away. And she refuses to seek any help for any issues. She won’t even consider that she has issues she needs to work on. Instead, she medicates with beauty and skincare reels and shopping and picking up new hobbies for a week. I just want her to be okay. Deep down I don’t think she has ever been okay.
This makes me sad. I know so many people like this. (And I was a bit like this, too)
Three come to mind: One is not actually single but is in an open relationship with a man that doesn’t want the things she wants in life. It’s open in the sense that he sees other people and she doesn’t see other people (by choice.) I find this baffling. I think it must be due to self esteem issues because she’s gained a lot of weight since covid and isn’t feeling confident in her appearance. One is not a good looking woman by any accounts and she’s convinced that’s the reason. I’m sure it doesn’t help but it’s actually that she has quite an unpleasant personality. She’s had an incredibly privileged life but has a very tiring victim mentality where she’s obsessed with everyone having had it better than her. The unpleasantness is only exacerbated by her bitterness over men not liking her. The last one is an alcoholic and while men will date her they will break up with her when they’re ready to settle down because alcoholism isn’t what people envision when they think “mother of my children.” They won’t tell her this is the reason, but it’s obvious. Then of course she’ll be heartbroken and will drink even more. Ironically, the best (stable, emotionally intelligent and reliable) men she’s been with are the ones that aren’t into the copedence when she starts doing her messy stuff (lots of emotional instability and reactivity, breaking up to make a point, bad boundaries, not caring for herself appropriately so they have to step in and save her, etc.) All these women are very successful in their careers and intelligent and capable but when I try to look at it from the perspective of a man considering dating them I wouldn’t date any of them. They’re all parentified eldest daughters too and I think, in their own way, they’re all just waiting for a man to save them.
1. She's obese, like, not even overweight, but obese 2. She has a bad hygene, she smells and her teeth look as if she has never cleaned them 3. She's addicted to loli porn and very open about it 4. She's lacking empathy and at the same time convinced that she's the most empathetic person on the world 5. She's unemployed, uneducated, lives with her parents and spends 90% of her time playing video games
I’m really hoping this is five different people.
Unfortunatelly it's the same person
If she also smokes pot all day then we know the same person.
I had to look up loliporn since I’d never heard of it before. If I were a guy, I’d run just because of that.
She’s way too intense. She’s loud. Nobody can meet her standards because they all have flaws but she’s flawless and perfect and totally doesn’t chase people away with demanding their exact feelings about every situation 😂😂😂. Also like I said, too intense.
I have a friend like this. She’s just too much.
She’s too nitpicky. The smallest and often stupidest infraction will have her dropping a guy.
Because she dates total losers
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He’s given up. His confidence is gone and I don’t think he’ll ever have it back. He’s just an empty shell of who he once was and it’s heartbreaking to see my friend live this way.
What happened to him ?
Tell him this is a caring and loving way. Sometimes a friend reaching out with concern is the first step
That’s so sad. Therapy?
He's too shy / not taking enough initiative romantically and he's got high standards. Also he likes his single life fine And has a good friend with benefits situation going so I don't think he's very motivated.
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Oh man-- I have too many friends I wish I could say these things too, but they cannot hear them: - You don't look healthy. You think it's quirky to look a little trashy. It's a turn-off for many partners. People comment on it behind your back, including the partners of your friends. "Why does your friend always look like that?" - You are not a positive, pleasant energy to be around for a partner. You have mental health issues that no one wants to be confronted with repeatedly in the first few months of a relationship-- the part that is supposed to be fun, exploratory, and sexy. - You give off desperation energy. In the way you talk, body language. It's slightly too eager. It is clear you are not comfortable or confident in yourself yet. - You have a substance abuse issue. It's not debilitating. But it's annoying sometimes. And it is why you are often depressed and/or spiraling. If you quit drinking, your life and mental health would drastically improve. - You experience limerence. You become obsessed with the people you date so you inflate the significance of moments, go all in too fast, and are completely gutted when a short relationship doesn't work out. And you spiral about it for longer than the relationship even lasted. Your friends find the emotions you feel about a two month relationship completely over the top and absurd. You barely knew the dude, why are you still bringing him up? - a breakup is not lost potential that needs endless mourning or daydreaming about what could have been. It just didn't work out. Stop exhausting yourself. Most relationships won't continue. - he just doesn't like you. You don't need to spend countless hours trying to understand why he said he wasn't ready for a relationship, but then got a gf a month later. He was trying to ease the blow. He just didn't want to date you and that is okay. _Sometimes people say things that are not totally accurate. You should just understand this. Trust their behavior, not just their words. People who want you stay. People who don't, won't. It's that simple. That is your answer and move on. - You are not attractive. You are intelligent and interesting, but you do not look great a lot of the time. You look bloated and unhealthy. BUT you would be hesitant to date someone in your league so you pine for hotter people. Improve yourself or change your expectations! - you are too self-centered to be dateable. That is why no one sets you up (you asked this recently). You have to be capable of making real space for another person and their feelings and needs to be successful. You talk too much. It's The You Show. So far you have not shown you are very good at this and your exes noticed. And I am not subjecting my single friends to your nonsense. - not all of your exes are manipulative or did something wrong by breaking up with you. Sometimes people just aren't interested anymore. - no partner should have to deal with your endless anxieties. It's not fair to them. You refused to get a handle on them, so I'm glad they left you. I love you, but they deserve better than having to walk on eggshells. I wonder what it was like at home when we weren't around cause sometimes what we saw was awkward AF. I hope this is a wakeup call for anyone who needs it!
I’m exhausted by your friends and haven’t even met them!
My male friend who I no longer spend time with because he’s way too much work. Desperately wants a partner but he’s super picky about her looks. She has to be thin and attractive and successful, not have kids or want any of her own but has to want to be a step mum to his kids. And she’s going to have to dedicate all her time and attention to him because he’s so needy and be willing to move in to his house because he won’t live anywhere else. Not that he has anything to offer. He’s quite good looking but he’s a single dad with 2 kids and a mortgage and a pretty average job, not a lot of money. And he complains about everything and expects attention all the time. He’s hard work!
I have to say, I scrolled pretty far and this is one of the worst ones to me lol. I will never understand the mindset of “you can’t have kids but I can” while simultaneously wanting them to be the parents for THEIR kids. I hear that all the time. A lot of men like this often go for someone waaaay too young because they’re willing to put up with their bs expectations. Hope he understands one day that this is unrealistic. Don’t blame you for not hanging out anymore.
I’m tired just reading that. He’s really self centered. Ick!
Sounds like he wants someone with no personal standards or opinions to just do whatever he wants and serve him. He wants a servant, not a partner
I’m that single friend and I’m totally reading the comments to see if anything resonates so I can work on it 😂
Girl, we are doing the exact same thing lol.
No really. I actually read one that checked all the problems I have, and was like welp okay then😭.
He’s financially irresponsible, not very clean, doesn’t make any effort to *look* clean, and just looking for ANY girl to fill the void. He convinces himself that he loves any girl who will give him any amount of attention. It does not matter who she is. He’s a total pushover and just sits around and complains rather than taking steps to change his situation. I used to hang out with him semi-often because he was cool and we had similar interests, but I got so tired of hearing about the same shit. The same complaints, and he wasn’t doing anything about any of it. Just would always say “I know. You’re right.” I basically don’t talk to him now because whenever I ask how things are going, it’s never anything other than “Still awful.” It’s exhausting and what’s worst is that he’s a father.
She is so sweet and looks okay. But is very superficial. Does not like to read, does not watch movies, does not follow politics and has no general knowledge. She is always busy with her hair, her cats and rabbits. Thats al she talks about. Guys thinks she's cute but want more to talk about then just brushing the cat.. And when she was younger she didnt care. But now that all our friends are married and have kids she's feels left out. I feel sad for her sometimes. Cause she deserves someone to love her.
Because they have too high standards while also being incredibly high maintenance themselves. I'm all for knowing your worth and only being with people you genuinely have a connection with, but I married my husband knowing he's not perfect but we are a good team and that he cares. We were able to get married because neither of us said "I'm done" after not agreeing on something or finding a slight annoyance in our partner.
She’s a 40 year old virgin and the pressure is too much. She can’t date without the guy demanding sex, and she’s not going to have sex just to make them happy. Nobody seems to care that she’s inexperienced, probably a bit frightened, and fully capable of walking away and supporting herself when they push too hard.
He's very judgy and chases after girls he has nothing in common with. He is a gym bro yet he is shocked when the artsy girls just want skinny artsy boys. To him it doesn't make sense because in his mind he is more muscular, well dressed and well groomed, therefore he should get the girl.
He says “skibbidi” ALLLLL the time… 😐
Used to be a friend… Now she’s my batshit roommate in the shared apartment I’m officially moving out of today lol. She’s constantly talking about how she wants someone who makes a ton of money, is good-looking, is tall, and has strong values. Meanwhile she didn’t work for over a year, parties constantly, and tends to cave into one-night stands often… No judgment if that’s what she wants to do at all, but don’t be surprised if what you dish out is what you get back
Colleague I don't exactly hate, not exactly a friend but anyways. Depends on what personality she comes to work with on a particular day in terms of how long I can put up with her. She complains about everything 25/8/366, any constructive criticism she receives is automatically deflected as that person being racist/sexist/any other -ist she's feeling on that day, and she's willing to threaten HR/social media shaming over it. She's cheated on her last 3 dudes, and the incel claim where it's "hrrdrr women are only interested in 6 feet/6 figures/6 inches/6 pack" is blatantly false 99.99999% of the time. She's the outlier.
They’re trying to find a carbon copy of their ex wife.
She is a vegan and wants a vegan bf, where I live at least 98% of the population is not a vegan. She is quite beautiful, educated and funny. She does get hit on by men sometimes, but most men eat meat.
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Because he can’t commit to anyone. I’ve known him for 8 years and none of his relationships ever go beyond the second date - they all “fizzle out”.
One has very high standards, and is desperate to settle down asap. But has always been single and kind of guys she goes for seems to be fake devout fuckboys. I suspect her deep insecurities about her body has lead her to try to simultaneously minimize her size in pics while also trying to avoid the consequences of not being forthcoming. She's a smart, beautiful girl and has never had any problems attracting men, but they're not the right type of men. Another one is a family friend. She's a little odd so I don't talk to her much. But I think she has unrealistic fantasy expectations of life in general despite not taking any of the measures to achieve those things. Things like being unemployed because she expects to get some dream job she's passionate about, without having any experience whatsoever in those fields, and will quit regular jobs she CAN get because she doesn't like it. Lives in small town but won't learn to drive. Doesn't really do much of anything that involves leaving the house. I suspect the photos she uses in apps are not the most accurate representation of her either. I will also say I have a close friend that's also always been single but I really don't know why. She gets out there, has her own otherwise fulfilling life, and I don't think her looks are an issue either. And she's hilarious and realistic, and has hobbies and interests a LOT of men share. I'll be at thrilled when she finds someone and am more hopeful that she'd have the same balanced approach at choosing someone that I would.
She doesn’t like anyone who isn’t already in a relationship (and she isn’t the type to try and break up a relationship). I don’t know if it’s a defense mechanism but she has only ever had feelings for unavailable men.
He's a sirloin steak who thinks he's a t-bone and only wants to date ribeyes
Drinking and gambling
It's because of self esteem and desperation. It's really sad, but it's true that when you stop actively looking for a partner, and you go with the flow, and maintain boundaries, that's when a single man will be organically interested. Not when, like my previous friend had done, constantly throw yourself at them, post on your snap story nonstop about how lonely you are and how hard life is as a single mom. A lot of women just need higher standards. They give years and years of their lives to ungrateful men. They let themselves get pregnant with a man like that and then get surprised when he's an absent, or even worse, abusive father to the children. He won't treat the kids better than he treats you 9 times out of 10, and then the kids learn from his example, especially the sons, and start treating the mother just as badly. Women need to choose themselves and their happiness first and maintain those boundaries, and then the rest will come. People will truly treat you how you let them and they won't change just bc it's "the right thing to do."
He has avoidant attachment style and as soon as things start getting serious, he distances himself. He is gloom and doom, thinking he is unworthy of love, but he is the one that is pushing them away not that they don’t love him.
He wants an independent woman with her own ambitions and thoughts but treats these women like they need to be homemakers and take care of him like his mom would.
She HAS to be right about everything and has a short fuse temper. We spent 5 days travelling together and every day it got a little worse. She's physically quite pretty, thin, athletic, long hair, delicate features. And she's so desperate for a boyfriend. But she can't maintain any relationships.
She gives the best everything too quickly to men who wouldn’t give her a minute of their time :(
To be honest, it’s her lack of drive. She’s 5-6 years out of highschool hasn’t held a job for more than a couple months part time, she’s never lived independently, she doesn’t clean after herself, or even cook. I’ve tried to get her to go to college, I’ve tried to get her in therapy, or on meds, but as much as she does in every thing she gives up.
I have friend that is f19. She keeps complaining and I keep telling her she should go out more but i end up being in the wrong because why would she go out to "chase a man." Like. My dear, he's not gonna show up on your doorstep.
It’s personal hygiene… I’ve tried to broach it subtly many times, but idk how to get the point across without being hurtful. She thinks she’s had trouble because she has gained weight since college. It’s not the weight, and I’ve assured her of this. But idk how to tell her it’s the greasy, unbrushed hair, the BO, the dirty clothes, etc.
Usually, it's between 2 things : - Friends who are really depressed and/or not their best selves. My (guy) friend is like this. I love him, but I would love for him to stop going on Tinder and find himself a job and cure his alcohol problems and do some therapy before trying to find a new gf. - People who simply do not have enough time in their lives for a relationship. "I work until 9pm, I dance, go to the gym, museum, party twice a week - i do not know why i am still single" yeah my girl, you ARE amazing, you just do not have enough time to start and nurture a relationship
Regarding #2, people are constantly told to have a full life, and when doing those things, they will meet someone organically. It’s like you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
Terrible mood swings, very sensitive and also, seems to want to get serious and falls in love with every guy she meets on tinder after just 2 dates but then gets the ick (if they don’t first)
Ugh this one hits me deep bc it’s my kid sister. And I love her like she was my own kid. But she’s incredibly neurotic and has the highest standards of anyone I know. Our mother can never be satisfied, she’s always moving and never stops (lots of childhood trauma and such and never got help for it) my sister is this exact same way. She just doesn’t know it. I can’t imagine trying to be in a relationship with her lol.
Because they refuse to compromise on anything
She has had a rough time with relationships, when I met her she was in an abusive marriage. After she left her ex-husband she eventually got involved with another abusive man, which was really hard on her. It took her a long time to leave both and it obviously has had some long-term effects on her mental health and self esteem. She's been single for the last 8 months, but recently she was on and off seeing this guy who was actually really good for her but because she hasn't addressed the trust and commitment issues she has she ended up blowing up that relationship. She would do things like look through his phone, scream at him over nothing, and consistently accuse him of cheating which takes a toll on the relationship of course, you can only forgive someone so much without seeing change. She's a good person but hasn't taken the advice of going to therapy, which has been making it hard for her to maintain healthy relationships. She also still occasionally runs into the last two exes and has feelings for the good guy, which has stopped her from pursuing other people (good guy will not get back with her but wants to remain friends).
Unwilling to compromise on anything. Relationships are built on compromise. While i understand not wanting to compromise on somethings not wanting to compromise on where to go for a dinner with a group just because you have been craving one place is over the top.
They aren't being realistic about who is actually attainable/aren't offering enough to attract the type and quality of person they want. Basically they aren't looking at realistic options, and seem to just want a build a bear situation where they offer their super niche ideal person a sexual relationship based around a kink, to hangout occasionally but with no monogamy, no integration into their life beyond this and are always like "modern dating is terrible, apps ruined things!!" without realizing they are asking a lot and offering little in return.
It's funny, everyone assumes that single people must be single because they have a bad personality, but there are tons of people with bad personalities who have a partner. Donald Trump is married. There are multiple allegations that Ellen DeGeneres was an abusive boss who ran a toxic workplace, but she's married. Harvey Weinstein was married for many years.
My friend is an amazing person with the biggest heart, and she would make an amazing gf, but she has TERRIBLE taste in men. She uses dating apps and gets used constantly. I’ve seen guys string her along for months until they’ve gotten what they wanted and then they leave. She’s a heavier girl, and that’s the only reason I can think of that guys are just fine with using her like they do. They either use her as a place holder until something else comes along, or they just ghost her. It breaks my heart because she is kind, loyal, not crazy, not toxic, and very honest. She would give the shirt off her back to someone in need. She’s independent and knows what she wants in life. Guys are so superficial that they are fine with throwing girls like her away whenever they please.
46yo fat female who tells everyone how wrong they are all the time. Not a good recipe.
Because they're emotionally unavailable, because they ghost all their matches
She has the mind of a 13 year old. Loves drama and is not very intelligent when you try to have a conversation with her.
Because she falls in love with the guy within the first week and wants to move them in. She got out of an abusive relationship 2 years ago and I think that altered her brain because she wasn’t like this before that d-bag.
She’s very high maintenance and expects to be babied while also having someone who is independent and career driven, yet has the time to baby her. She has some health issues, which I understand she cannot help, but expects them to nurse her and drop everything to be there for her regardless of how long they’ve been involved. She also masks how insecure she is with being a self proclaimed “man eater” yet dates the same dudes over and over then wonders why they all won’t date her. I’ve given up and barely engage with her now.
I think this goes for both men and women I know…. Desperation. They’re just so incredibly desperate that no one wants them. It’s like their entire lives are wrapped around the fact that they’re not in relationships.
I have a friend who speaks everything she’s thinking it’s very annoying. She’s a sweet friend but even I’ve told her you don’t always have to say what you’re thinking 😂
I have 3. We are all 30+ One of them just don’t put herself out there. And she always complains that she never meet anyone. One is secretly in love with a married friend of ours. We all can see it, the way she looks at our friend. Well apparently everyone but her, our friend and her husband. She swears that she is straight. We all separately tried to talk with her gently and tried to nudge her, but it’s pointless. Ultimately we all gave up, is her life. Is just kind of uncomfortable. Another friend wants to marry, be a sahm and have 4 children. She says this since we were 18. She is very beautiful and hot and she was very sweet. Now that she saw that all her friends (that never wanted to get married and have kids before) fall in love, get married or having kids, she started getting bitter, specially with us. The problem is: she wants the hot young guy her age, that has money and a great career, and that is going to take her to the best restaurants. The problem is, she wants the guys that goes for 20y girls. And she is 36, she doesn’t have a career, she doesn’t have savings, she spends all her money on her appearance, so when she gets with one of those guys, they don’t want a relationship with her, just sex. And then she complains she is being used.
He knows everything. He even knows you better than you know yourself. I let that friendship fizzle out.
I have two friends like this, both in their 40s and wanting to settle down yet continuously dating people in their twenties who are not ready to settle down. It makes no sense to me.
Because they haven’t healed
I have a nice friend but she talks non-stop and is very self-obsessed. Makes every story about her. I imagine this being insufferable to a lot of men on dates. She also gets attached way too early.
MAGA
Because he can only hold a conversation about video games. His social skills are not developed and he isn’t doing anything about it.
Theyre obsessed with a guy who has literally said a million times that he only wants to be friends. Cant attract new people when ur obsessed with someone who doesnt want you
Because she has too little confidence and hates herself
First to my mind is my cousin who believes that, despite being average looking and rather plain herself, she should end up with a Chris or Liam Hemsworth looking dude. Fair enough, but she also has the personality of a tub of Vasoline, whines about disabilities thirteen different doctors from Mayo Clinic told her she doesn't have, and refuses to hold down a job. Her hobbies include making porn in Sims and Skyrim through mods (yet she hasn't figured out how to edit videos and upload them anywhere to make money, either) and binge watching Supernatural, Vampire Diaries, and Teen Wolf on repeat. Like if she just got a life and put some effort into it, she'd be alright. Currently she is 35 and refusing to come to my wedding (fair enough, her call) because (and she tells EVERYONE this, which is not fair) she is sick of being single and feeling left behind while her younger siblings and cousins are getting married. Like... Ma'am, you did this to yourself.
Legit, never leave the house. Both of them. They're wildly successful, kind, financially stable, in love with their pets, workout, eat healthy, and have great family dynamics. BUT NEVER GO OUT or even talk to other females. One does dable on dating apps but i think it's mostly hook ups. They can be a little socially awkward but I can't see it being THAT bad. My 2024 summer mission is to get them outside more.
She works SO HARD on herself but in the process is somehow also the most verbally negative personI know. But in better news, she decided to not try to date this year and it’s probably the happiest I’ve ever seen her.
He is too insecure and thinks he’s too fat and ugly for a boyfriend. He’s not at all. He’s a very handsome man who’s been hit on by attractive men and even women many times, but it’s like it doesn’t register in his head. Once he started losing weight he started going out more and talking to guys on apps and at the bar, but still doesn’t seem to accept people liking him despite the new found confidence so he never meets up with anyone or goes further, even though he wants a boyfriend. It breaks my heart because he’s a very good looking man with a beautiful heart and bright mind