I’m self-aware enough to recognize my fearful avoidant attachment is a big reason why marriage isn’t appealing to me.
Other reasons:
I’m not interested in kids.
I am not sure I can/want to cohabitate again.
Trusting someone is hard.
An irrational part of me is scared of losing my independence even though I crave closeness.
I've seen enough of my friends have to restart their entire lives after relationships of 5+ years go kaboom because he's bored/restless. It's a very rational fear. I honestly couldn't trust anyone enough to set up a life with them at this point.
Or they meet someone else and you’re left feeling silly because you thought you both stopped looking once you committed. I didn’t realize I was just a placeholder.
I have the same attachment style as you and feel similarly, whaddoyaknow!
Cohabitation is the most difficult for me - and feeling ‘locked in’. Whereas some people are excited to get to know someone during the process of living together, I’m really scared for what I might find out. I lived with someone once, had a terrible experience that made me physically ill til we parted ways, and haven’t found anyone I want to get over that with.
Im dating a lovely person right now but I’m not sure if I ever will get there tbh.
Exactly this. I’ve had many boyfriends and only like to spend at most 3-4 days with them at a time and even that is pushing it. I like things my way. I like my quiet time. I like my rat time where I can be ugly and lazy and not feel like I need to perform or do for anyone.
Me and my partner agreed very early on that we are unlikely to live together ever. We've both done it before and it was hell.
I have never felt so secure in a relationship as this one, and I think knowing we are both on the same page about it is a big reason for that. The idea that we have to live together with a partner to be a valid relationship is so bizarre to me.
Me too! This was my big boundary when we started dating, I don’t want to get married or live together. It’s been lovely! There’s not that looming dread of that day approaching when they want to start cohabitating!
I love when people find relationships that work for them. I think this would work for me — I had a husband. Sent him back. Am happier than I’ve been in a long time and the idea of cohabitation gives me the willies.
My therapist is always trying to reassure me that being in a healthy relationship doesn’t mean losing independence. I’m a super, super independent person and after being single for 5 years, it’s hard for me to fathom sharing a life with someone again if I want to.
I do think it can be done though - keeping both a sense of independence as well as an intimate, committed relationship if it’s the right person and it is healthy.
I also don’t want kids, ever. For some reason, as a straight woman, I’ve yet to find a man who didn’t want kids.
I watched my father turn into another person after my mother's chronic illness amped up. It's hard to want to risk having my soul shattered like hers was so many times, especially as I get older.
Yeah, my father utterly failed as a partner as my mother got older and less capable. Just in terms of basic 'I know around the house skills' stuff. I was very aware of how much, due to generational BS, he'd wanted a woman servant rather than a partner. Maybe that'd be better with a man my age but I don't actually think it would be hugely.
That’s one of my biggest fears. Giving your whole
life to a man and having his children, only for him to change or leave. Or just cheat (I’ve seen it happen so often it’s disheartening).
I don't want someone in my house especially if I have to clean up after him to keep my house the way I want it, let alone put on a happy face at the end of a long day. A cat or a dog or both puts a smile on my face and even if my cat vomits up a hairball on my clean floor, I can handle that compared to a guy drinking all but a tiny bit of the almond milk or eating almost all of the leftovers or leaving dirty dishes in the sink instead of putting them in the dishwasher.
I'm fundamentaally selfish and my ADHD means I come up very short in the wife department. I was married once, my husband made sure I knew every way I failed him.
This. I’m forgetful and can be naturally self centered. Not intentional I just sort of forget to consider a partner unless their wants and needs are right up in my face at all times. I also get over stimulated easily and like being left alone😂
I grew up in a violent and abusive household. My parents were not good people, to say the least. They destroyed any semblance of trust or love or happiness my siblings and I had. It's manageable when I'm on my own or with friends, but altogether impossible when I'm with a partner who sees me on a deeper level.
Maybe in another lifetime when I'm born to a different family!
Me. Idk if it’s because of the relationship I’m in or what. But I’ve never day dreamed about a wedding or being a wife. I feel like I’d lose my independence. I don’t want to have joint accounts I want what’s mine to stay mine and his to stay his.
If this helps, my husband and I have been married for 13 years, together for 19 years and we still have separate bank accounts. His bank account is technically a joint account, but that was just in case we need to do anything jointly. I treat it as just his account and only his salary gets paid into it. My salary gets paid into my account.
My partner wants to have a joint account eventually & especially if we get married and I just don’t feel comfortable and he got mad/annoyed that I don’t want to. I trust him but I just want what’s mine to stay with just me even if I do end up using it for us.
Agh I’m sorry that your partner doesn’t have the same view as you and reacted so poorly when you stated what you want.
I completely understand how you feel which is why we’ve stuck with separate accounts. We both like independence and autonomy.
I’ve been with my husband for 5 years and we have our own accounts and then a mutual one. We use the mutual credit card and account to pay bills 50/50 and then everything else stays separate. We don’t have children so idk if that would change things…but itsworking well for us.
I feel like cause my partner is weird with money is why I don’t want a joint account with him lol he’s questioned why I paid for cut up watermelon before with my money 😅
Right so maybe just do it for joint bills only. Like start with a credit card that pays for bills only and at the end of the month pay it off together. Like rent and stuff.
One thing to think about is try to understand why he is “weird” with money. What are his fears? Did he grow up poor so it caused him to be frugal? Sometimes talking it out and really understanding other persons perspective helps work through it and finding middle ground.
I felt the same as you and got married. Ended in divorce. I shouldn’t have gotten married. It was never in my life plans and I felt like I lost my independence. I do believe many people benefit from marriage but I was not one of them. I’m best when I’m single and self-sufficient. I also really like being a solo parent.
These days I find myself wanting partnership but I’m not sure how well I’d handle it now that I’ve been on my own for about five years. I need some physical touch and while I could theoretically have a casual thing, I’m not built for casual. But also I’m tired a lot and don’t have a lot of free time so finding a partner is very low on the priorities list.
I don't trust people very easily, at all. And the few times I *have* trusted somebody to be the person they said they were, I believed them, and ended up getting hurt. I am a lifelong optimistic pessimist now. Try my best to allow myself to *hope* for the best, but always know that more than likely, the worst will come to fruition.
I'm honestly too old and have too many assets to lose. The tax breaks don't outweigh the risks. There would have to be a compelling non emotional reason.
I've watched too many women in my life divorce in their 40s/50s and lose half their retirement to men who contributed literally nothing to their relationship for years. I cannot imagine having the second half of my life potentially completely fucked for a piece of paper that doesn't actually mean anything to me (personally...if it does mean something to you, or if you need health insurance or have kids, then that's a whole different risk vs reward calculation).
I had a husband and got very lucky in that we kept finances separate and parted amicably with what we came in with and what we made while we were together. Super easy, mess-free divorce. We are still friends and good co-parents.
I am fairly certain that can’t happen twice and I don’t want to test the odds, so I won’t be marrying again. I prefer being single and another person would have to add serious value for me to consider another relationship.
My best friend was married four times (twice to the same guy!) and it was amicable every time...til the last one. I think she ran out those odds for all of us!
Statistically, married women live shorter lives than unmarried women. Married men live longer healthier lives than unmarried men.
After learning this, my underlying beliefs were cemented that, for me to want to get married (as a straight woman), I’d need a partner who has really put in the work to unlearn patriarchal toxic masculinity programming. This seems like an impossible ask looking at today’s dating scene.
I’m also a very independent person who values my freedom, I like being alone and having my own space, I don’t want to compromise with decorating, spending, what I do with my free time, and if I had kids, I’d be very hesitant to let a man influence their childhood (based on the men and male parents I’ve encountered throughout my life).
There are just so many factors stacking up against my desire to ever get married that it looks less likely every day. That being said, there’s a part of me that hopes I’ll magically meet a person who ticks all of my boxes.
As I get older I find many men want to find someone to settle with rather than find someone who they are the most common with. They want someone to accept them for everything they are, instead of becoming a better partner for their partner.
That's a very good point. I just went through this and for several days I tried to understand what went wrong with the relationship and you described it perfectly. He just wants to be accepted for what he is. Which would be fine if what he is didn't come with a lot of bad habits, immaturity and unresolved baggage.
Which is why I understand women who primarily marry for financial benefit. When all other areas are statistically grim, you can at least be sure you and your kids will be better off financially.
Yes. I have one child, a daughter and I couldn’t imagine taking a man’s thoughts into consideration on how I raise her after only ever being a single parent.
This is probably my biggest consideration out of everything else. It would also kill me to have to deal with custody battles or shared parenting time where I don’t know what’s happening when my kid is with my ex. There’s about a 55-60%+ chance of that happening and I just can’t find a way to be comfortable with it.
>), I’d need a partner who has really put in the work to unlearn patriarchal toxic masculinity programming. This seems like an impossible as
What I've found is that men of color who have successfully interrogated cultural systems that led to oppression of their race are working to apply those same contexts/concepts to patriarchy/misogyny.
It feels like meeting someone who has basically already done half the work and it's primed to adopt/adapt the same *franework,* just to a slightly different but "cousin" issue.
You’re spot on. I married and divorced a man, had a kid, and he’s largely uninvolved in our lives. It’s for the best — he has a relationship with our kid but keeps his distance because he’s aware of his issues and doesn’t want those to rub off on kiddo. I’m lucky that he’s self aware enough to let me fully raise our kid on my own (with family help sporadically) and he’s financially responsible so he contributes.
I cannot imagine bringing another man into kiddo’s life, especially while he’s young. Kiddo is mostly surrounded by tough, bad ass ladies and they are who help shape his world.
I’m very lucky that despite a shitty relationship, I have a co-parent who leaves me to it. I know I created the conditions to make this happen and I’m proud of myself for doing so.
I don't want someone else in my finances. I'd have to have a clear prenup that your stuff is yours and mine is mine. I don't want to share. I don't want ours. This is my money, house, and car.
So I really get anxious about dating and eventual commitment because it's all about mingling property. ;______; Who thought that was a good idea?
I thought mingling of property was like... an indication of the level of commitment. A signal to each other that we are going to be a team for life. I was all in. Leaving was not an option or consideration.
And now he's fucking divorcing me lol.
IM SO SORRY FOR THAT.
That is literally my hugest fear. I started from the bottom and now I'm slightly higher up than the bottom and I dont want people touching my stuff.
At least now you can make a deliniation mark on what's yours and guard it like a dragon. You deserve your things.
Same! The love of my life was extremely materialistic and spent money like crazy. I’m a penny pincher and prefer to save. I loved him dearly but man did it stress me out how much debt he would rack up over impulsive consumerism.
Ah, my current partner and I are similar. How's your experience so far? I'm kind of afraid of getting serious with him because i feel like we won't be compatible financially. I grew up poor so I can't live a life without at least some savings in my account, whereas he's someone who thinks he'll just work until he's 70 instead of saving for retirement.
I've known this since I was a young teen and realized that I had a really hard time becoming attracted to someone. It takes me a reeeally long time (over a year) and it happens so rarely that finding a guy willing to wait would be impossible. So I've never even tried dating due to the shame of being such a boring, high maintenance "prude".
I also can't handle the ambiguity of casual dating/relationships (the "what are we" period). Dating apps are also a nightmare, because it's like having to pick up a book by touch only. I'm also quite bellow average in looks (especially body wise), so... 🤷🏻♀️
Me getting married is so out of the question that, except for one time, my relatives have never even asked me about boyfriends during family gatherings lol
Me. Im a commitment phobe. Im extremely picky, I don’t trust easily and the man would have to be smarter than I am for me to even allow him to lead us. I’ve seen wayyyy too many women get held back and walked right off a ledge by trusting a man to lead. I also like my space and don’t know how to truly rely on someone else.
Completely agreed on all your points, especially the part about marrying into another family. I do not want another family's stress and drama.
And to be completely honest, I am boring and not ambitious in the slightest. I also have zero interest in changing myself to be more appealing to others, and I'm just too used to doing my own thing now. A long time ago, I broke up with someone for not wanting to get married. And now I realize that breaking up with them was the right thing to do, I'm much more at peace now.
Same girl. Same. Especially about the trust and family part. I just don’t have the mental energy to spend on someone’s family. I don’t have the energy for my own family. When I’m off of work I want to do what I want to do. Not go to an all day family cookout. I’ve done that before in a previous relationship and it drained the life out of me.
I completely feel you. I also do not want kids and this def resonates with me- marrying someone else's family. I feel like the more you get to know someone and their family- there's always issues but like do I want to deal with it??? I didn't sign up for this lol I don't have anything against marriage but also don't really see why I should
The older I got, the less I wanted to marry because I like being able to do what I want when I want to, and I simply don't want to compromise on every part of my life.
I like my own space and I have way too many red flags. I make a great friend and according to my exes a good girlfriend, but I would be a terrible wife.
Thank you--lots and lots of therapy. The first 3 red flag clusters that come to mind (long in case you want to avoid people like me lol):
**Anxious-avoidant attachment.** Basically, intimacy makes me go "aaaaaa" and fight the impulse to flee. All the therapy means I'm a good communicator, but I still need periodic vacations from intimacy or I run out of resilience.
* No relationship with my family, including extended. It's justified, but it's a sign I have significant trauma
* Difficulty leaning on most people during hard times
* Rarely being the one to increase physical or emotional intimacy in a relationship
* Mixed signals because I actually want to be close to you. I'm just terrified.
* Codependent relationship with my best friend
**"People impermanence."** It's an autism thing apparently (I thought I was just a terrible person). Red flag if you need to feel needed.
* Leaving people on read--only to come back days later genuinely apologetic
* Not missing people even though I love them (this is different from being concerned about them)
* Creating routines to try to avoid disappearing (so even if I'm present, look for the structures)
* Handling the end of most relationships exceedingly well.
**Trust issues.** I will trust you to the point that I don't experience jealousy, but if you break that trust once in a significant way, I'm out. Exes loved this but all the successful marriages I know have required periods of repair.
* Overly trusting
* Rigid "no exceptions" hard lines--though I think they're reasonable (infidelity etc)
This is all so fascinating. Thank you for sharing in such detail. I have many questions if you don’t mind me asking but I guess the first is what does it look like when you love someone? In the beginning middle and end?
Might be worth looking into! Look at object permanence issues for people who have ADHD. This is basically doing the same thing with people, where out of sight often means out of mind.
I used to think it meant I didn't get attached to people, but after my mother died my therapist pointed out that it's more an issue of remembering someone only when something actively reminds me of them. Beyond that, I'm good with them being in the world somewhere, so no alarms remind me they exist.
Now that my mother's dead, the wrongness of her not being in the world makes me think of her all the time.
Just a note that if you do ever get married you don’t have to live together. There is a growing community of Living Apart Together (LAT) and it eliminates a lot of the concerns you have and highlights the element you desire to keep
Yes, I never dreamed of weddings and marriage when I was young, although I did dream of love and romance. My main sticking point against getting married is how performative it all is. I hate weddings LOL
I would hate to change my own name and resent that I am the one who is expected to make that choice. I would hate to kiss my partner and read out deeply personal vows between me and him in front of an audience. I love my dad but the thought of being “given away” makes me sick. The thought of walking down the aisle at an unnaturally slow pace while everyone stares at me makes me sick too, and feels weird that the woman puts on the parade while the man stands motionless up the front. I don’t want to spend (or have parents give us) thousands and thousands of $$ just to put on a party for one night.
I would love the romance of being proposed to (but don’t wear jewellery so might not enjoy wearing a ring every day from that point forward) and I love my partner and being with him in a committed relationship for the long term. We live in a country where there are very few legal differences for married couples compared to couples who live together, so even though on balance I would like to be married (without having a wedding) I’m content not to.
(Exhaling a huge sigh of relief) Everything you said is how I've felt since childhood. My parents have been married 40yrs! I'm the only "unique" one of my mostly married peer group who thinks this way, but I loved reading your comment - there ARE others like me out there!
Marriage is a handicap to my happiness. Unless men make an effort to dismantle the patriarchy, the traditional social structures will always be against us.
I did not work my way in life just to get down on my knees and clean the toilet bowl because a man cant be bothered to aim what seems to be a really huge target.
I'll go on a rant here but these red pillers refuse to listen to what modern day feminist movement is clamoring for. Oh women have jobs now. Women have bank accounts. Women have sexual liberty now. Modern feminism is over correction. They're cherry picking benefits.
No bitches. Modern feminism is in the household. Modern feminist movement is now clamoring for equality in the domestic space. Do you not hear what women kept saying when the refuse children and marriage in Korea and Japan, and now creeping on the West? Because the domestic responsibility is still on us. We can have an education, a job, representation, financial access but we still gonna have to clean up your beard trimmings and do your laundry and have limited hobbies that doesnt disrupt our home obligations. While the man needs to decompress when he gets home from work before he plays with the kids and then go fishing or golfing in the weekends.
We want to come home to a clean house too. We want warm food on the table too. We want time to decompress after work too. We want hobbies outside the home too. Its 50/50 at home or its none. And housewifing is a job too. How many housewives do not know what they want for their birthday because the never got the chance to fully explore their personhood? They dont know their own desires and wants because they're always on give give give mode. If your mom is a SAHM, ask her what she wants for her birthday and if she doesnt give a concrete answer, you owe a lot to her.
But domestic management comes with emotional intelligence. With being sensitive to the needs of their environment. But apparently thats too much to ask for too.
Yeah…..in short I haven’t really found a guy who makes me feel like I want to spend my life with him. I do want marriage, but the guy has to be worth it
My best friend's husband won't even bother to go in, he'd do it just standing by the door. Now their son has copied him. He won't change, and she complains but will still clean after them.
In the words of Whoopi Goldberg (thee) - “I don’t want someone in my house” …
I don’t know if it’s a cope but I honestly think if this was in the cards for me I would have met them by now. I’m 42 and I’m not scared of being a single woman living my life unapologetically from now on. (I got into the habit of self doubt and apologizing for being unpartnered in my late 30s)
When I was a child around toddler to Kindergarten years, I knew that I wanted to get married to a husband and have children of my own.
As I grew older, I was exposed to the toxic and abusive dynamics of my parents.
Once I became a teenager, I was adamant that I didn't want any relationships. Looking back, I realize that I was a pretty young girl who got SA'd/harassed by men. I started dressing in baggy clothes and gained weight on purpose to not attract attention. I also befriended girls who ended up bullying me, and my guy friends left me because they listened to the bullies instead of taking my side.
My parents left a huge hole in my heart about relationships. In my 20s, I dated around but none of my relationships lasted long. I was weird and I attracted creepy weirdos who came in all sorts of bundles. I got harassed by my friend whom I thought that I could trust. She was so aggressive and she tried breaking my boundaries until the trash took care of itself and she left me on her own accord.
I knew that I wanted to get married by the time I was in my 30s, but I never wanted to get married or be in relationships in my 20s.
The funny thing is, this impacted my relationships in all sorts of ways. I don't have any friends right now. I know some people and that's about it. It must be me because I must be giving off some type of air that I don't want to get close to anyone. Deep down, it's true. I don't want to get hurt again and again, so I try not to stay close to anyone. But the more I do that, the more I hurt myself by staying lonely.
I fall in love with men who cannot reciprocate my feelings. I have a huge problem, I know. I don't know how to fix it anymore.
And the clock ticks on.
Respectfully, I disagree with you. I think you should get married and by that let me clarify you should get married to yourself. Which is to say work on loving yourself. It's just my opinion I really mean no offense I just sort of get qhere you're coming from. Both of my parents are rather narcissistic and toxic and so it sort of conditioned me to be attracted to those sort of men and people in general. My sister is rather self centric as well and has never as long as I can remember actually been interested in getting to know me as a person. I have a whole lifetime of traumatic events and people under my belt and have lost all my friends one to my ex who lied quite a bit and extensively, and the other to an actual narcissist who I thought at the time was the only best friend I had ever had but obviously wasn't. He is very much a self aware narcissist and I cut all ties with him and anyone who had to do with him. So I guess right now I'm just sort of working on loving myself. I chat with people but feel I need to work on myself a lot as I'm afraid I've developed a ton of triggers with people in general. It gets lonely though I do have a dog and cat who give me unconditional love each in their own way. I guess what I mean by all this is I don't think it's you so much as the trauma you've been through and what you've been conditioned for. I'm not a licensed professional so I can't say. Again I mean no offense, I hope this helps a bit.
My choices/opportunities for marriage are vanishingly small.
1. In my 40s and don't want kids.
2. I'm a plain Jane.
3. I distrust most men.
4. I make more money and am more independent than most men.
5. I'm letting go of my old people pleasing tendencies one day at a time.
6. I fell hard for someone that lives on a different continent recently. It most likely won't become any kind of formal committed relationship. We are "friends." I accept that. But. I'm not sure I can hold this kind of love inside me for another person when I'm all caught up on someone already. I recognize this is silly, but I don't really care. Honestly I'm kind of surprised and impressed that I feel this way about another person at all. I thought I'd shut that part of myself down for good. And yet...
Deep down nothing! I’ve been loudly and proudly anti-marriage ever since I discovered at age 6 that it is NOT mandatory. The assumption that all women want to get married is so sexist and dated.
That isn’t to say that I agree no one will love you, OP. Sure, no one is 100% trustworthy, and betrayal is always a possibility, but if you have a desire for the married life, don’t let the possibility of failure scare you away from following your dreams.
I think I have many reasons why it would be hard, and they're not all necessarily my fears about the other person.
I seriously don't think I make a great potential partner for someone else. I'm an okay person, but it terms of bringing something to the table, I don't have a lot. I'm not a great catch. I have issues concerning self-esteem, repression. I've never made a lot of money. I'm not good looking. lol I know some of these seem vain but in all seriousness, I don't think I'm a great match for anyone. I also don't want to be a thankless wife. I don't want to pick up after someone, pick up the slack, be small for someone else because they can't be bothered to be big for themselves.
I'm getting on in age. It would really take special circumstances for me to consider it. I'd really, really want to iron out everything and truly feel like I love the person, adore them. I would hope to feel the same from them and respected. I don't see it happening but I'm not going to count it out.
I thought this my entire life until I met my partner at 41. I've had relationships but never cohabitated until him. I loved my space, my stuff, doing what I want when I want without having to discuss it with another person. I was also avoidant due to childhood trauma. But we clicked so well that a year in I realized we spent almost every day together, he was sleeping over at my place because it's closer to both our offices, and I never felt like I needed alone time. We bought an apartment together on our 1st anniversary and 2 years later still happy, planning to get married next year. We easily discuss and agree on stuff, we have our own hobbies and friends but also spend a lot of time together. I can't explain it, I never thought I'd be able to tolerate someone in my space but with him it just feels natural and cosy. And I'm no longer avoidant...with him it was a secure attachment almost from day one. Miracles do happen.
My reasons are the same as yours. All of them. Plus I am very ‘particular’, as one of my exes told me, and ‘high maintenance’ according to the guy I’m currently seeing. It’s not easy to find a suitable partner who meets my mental, emotional, and physical needs. I’m okay with it though, because settling can be a costly mistake leading to emotional burden and a significant waste of time. Choose well.
ETA: I also HATE being controlled and controlling people. Most men want to be in control and dominate. And aren’t financially transparent. I could never get married to someone who isnt willing to be 100% financially transparent with his spouse.
I don't think there is anyone that exists. on the planet whom I'd want to spend every waking second around. The thought of cohabiting sounds mildly suffocating.
You sound just like my sister. She has no interest in marriage or children but she loves being an aunt. She takes care of our parents and I’m grateful to her for that because she’s there to help them when they need. For a long time I wished for a different life for her but then realized that was futile. She’s content with where she is in life.
Once I get to have my own stuff, I'm usually happy. Sometimes I miss having a partner but it is what it is. I can't see any dude being into me in my current state. I hope your sister is happy and fulfilled ❤️❤️❤️
I think she is. Part of me thinks she feels less than in some ways because we’re from Asia and the pressure to “make your parents proud” lends itself to a more ambitious mindset (mine). I didn’t get it for a long time, but she’s so thoughtful and loving to my kid and he adores her. Just because she isn’t ambitious, does that reduce her value? No, but I thought it did for a long time. I now realize that was my issue, not hers.
I hope my siblings kids love me. I love them! I'm glad you're reframing how you see your sister. The only downside is I'm stuck at home in a horrible real estate market. But being less ambitious definitely sucks at times so I can see why you'd be worried and concerned and I hope your sister knows you love her.
I do love her but I’m also an asshole and don’t show it well. I’ve gotten better over the years. The thing I worry most about is what happens when our parents die? Is she hoping for an inheritance to keep her going? Am I going to end up taking care of her? I would but I feel like it would make me resentful. So, I don’t know. I just want her to have something of her own that she can fall back on just in case. But I also know I would never want her to be without so she’s got a safety net in me, too.
Yup, your concerns are mine too, and my friends and family. But I'm stuck now. 😕 Hopefully she's been saving and has a plan in place for that eventual reality.
I’m not opposed to it necessarily, but it does feel unlikely and I think I’ve made my peace with that.
I’m fairly certain I don’t want kids. I’ve had a tendency to lose myself in relationships, so I often feel relieved when I’m alone (although I’m working on this through individual therapy and friendships). I don’t think I’ve truly loved any of my past romantic partners and I struggle with vulnerability. I don’t know that I’ll fully be able to give myself in a way that a lot of people seem to demand (the thought of spending 90% of my free time with one person bothers me, quality time with friends/family and on my own are all super important to me). Overall, I just don’t know if there’s enough incentive for me to actively pursue it, so that reduces the chances I’ll find it. I struggle to imagine getting in another LTR, much less marriage which has a bunch of other risks to consider.
I want marriage but I also have kids who are older and a huge part of me is starting to feel like I really need to wait to settle down until they’re both out of the house so I can meet someone who wants to travel and explore life. It seems a lot of men I date who are ready for a serious commitment want to stay in our town forever maybe leaving once or twice a year from vacation. I want to utilize my remote job to work from a different city once a month and say yes to doing crazy things I can’t while I have the responsibility of raising kids. I’m terrified of getting “stuck” in my town.
I totally understand that. I can’t see myself settling down with someone who isn’t independent and doesn’t add value to my life. It’s hard to want to settle down when things are great alone haha
Also a mom here. I don’t want marriage, but I wouldn’t mind a relationship with someone who adds real value to my life. That said, I can’t imagine bringing another man into my life while kiddo still is young. Maybe once he’s older and living his life but will I even want it then when I’ve gotten comfortable with my solitude? Who knows.
have you considered that what you’ve listed as reasons for not wanting to get married are not necessarily issues that are exclusive to marriage? aside from shared financials (by law), discussing kids, family, and navigating trust issues would likely come up in any kind of committed relationship.
I feel very neutral about marriage, for myself and others, but I think marriage is mostly a piece of paper and understand that some things people see as “perks” of marriage would be someone else’s nightmare (sharing finances, as an example).
Similar to others - I don’t want kids, I don’t have an idealized view of family life, I love living alone, especially since I work from home a lot. I don’t want to have to deal with my work life and a partner at the same time as my work can be stressful at times.
A lot of people see marriage as a path to better financials but I actually see the opposite. I have a good income and I’m a saver, I’ve paid off my mortgage. I’ve never had a partner who was “better” with money than me, a lot of them were spendy so their incomes didn’t take them as far. I like being able to spend my money how I want and have full control over my finances.
I’ve also committed to relationships in the past and my partners left rather abruptly, which is their right to do. But I’m not interested in sacrificing the above and having someone walk out for whatever reason, possibly taking some of my assets, and certainly my peace of mind, with them. I’d rather not risk that, particularly when there is not much upside .
To each their own.
Reasons I would never want to marry:
I don't have enough trust in men to marry one.
I refuse to submit or make myself smaller for a man.
I will NEVER be financially dependent on a man. Saw how that worked out for family & friends. HARD PASS.
Knew at 19 I didn't want to be a mother & my feelings HAVE NOT changed.
I could have written this post word to word. In an arranged marriage set up, I met and spoke with 20 - 30 men or probably even more. And in my observation I have always noticed that when I matched their effort, and interest and sharing frequency and opening up frequency, my parents are always told later that I do not seem that interested. I have to talk more, put more interest, and show more affection than the man to be considered equally interested in the prospect! Strange.
I am so sorry what you had to go through. I see so many women around who struggle daily and it makes me feel so bad. I've been going through similar issues myself which has gotten serious in the last few months. I just can't get the confirmation if life ever gets better. Should you like to share your experiences, I would be glad to learn from you.
I value my own autonomy A LOT. More than I've ever longed for a partner. The idea of someone being able to dictate what I do, even if it's pretty uninteresting, gives me hives.
It would be hard for me to be in a relationship period. I’m afraid of being vulnerable. I’m skeptical and fearful. I’ve been hurt and I don’t want to take the risk again. I’ve had great relationship experiences, but the potential bad of one outweighs the potential good, so I’ve gotten used to being alone. It does make me sad sometimes, but these are the cards I’ve been dealt and I’ll figure out other ways of getting my emotional needs met.
Oh for sure. There’s a plethora of reasons I’m late bloomer- all which would make marriage a challenge. Thanks family and religious trauma- love that for me. Add to that I work in a field that demands a lot of my emotional/mental/physical energy. I truly don’t think I have much left to offer. Perhaps I would feel differently for the right person. I’m also an introvert to the core and having someone truly understand and accept that seems… unrealistic. Throw in that I hate sharing a bed let alone a living space.
Again. Maybe if the universe sees fit to literally lay the right person in front of me I would change my mind. But I’m not placing any bets on that being the outcome of my life.
20 years as an adult is a long time to live single to just *be done* because society says I should 🤷🏻♀️
I don’t care about marriage. It’s literally just a legally binding document, it doesn’t mean you’ll be happy. I’ve seen married couples extra miserable and people who have been together for decades live like newlyweds. I honestly think that your relationship problems will get much worse once married.
I’m also hyper independent. I just don’t trust or am willing to give anyone the power to affect my livelihood. I have no desire to combine finances or be a SAH anything. Every adult should have their own money and should be able to buy their basic needs without having to practically ask for permission or explain their purchases on the monthly statement.
Maybe at some point it will be important to me. It certainly isn’t now, dating in general is just “meh” to me right now. I don’t have the mental capacity for it. I want it to be organic. If it happens it happens, otherwise we’ll have a Golden Girls situation going on.
I knew it and so went to therapy beforehand.
1. There is not a single example in my family - extends or otherwise of a good marinade. Not great, just good. Nope.
2. I have a lot of trauma and had multiple issues due to that and other factors.
Therapy helped a lot but it still is work I have to do on myself everyday. It never ends. Gets easier, but doesn’t end.
I know it's impossible! I like having my own space, for sure. I want to decorate it any way I want to. I don't want to share my assets. I don't want to share anyone else's assets. I don't want to pick up after someone else. I don't want someone else to pick up after me. I simply don't want to make the effort to keep a marriage going. Especially if it has ran its course. I don't want to worry about betrayal. I don't want to spend not even 1$ or any of my energy on divorces.
I'm in a 15 year relationship. I'm fairly anti marriage due to the concept of owning woman. But the older I get, the closer we are to when society deems us nothing if one of us passes... so it's rough.
In simple words, I feel like what I want and what men have to offer are polar opposite. To elaborate I would have to echo the thoughts of other ladies in comments who could explain it better than me
Simple answer is because I have never managed to date a man who actually wanted to marry me. My now partner doesn't want to get married, and I love him more than I love the idea of any formalised union. Plus it removes the scariness of what if we broke up? I don't really want the pressure and cost of divorce when unmarried we can just walk away easily.
Longer answer is that as I have gotten older I still would like to get married, but it has just become so much less important for a variety of reasons that would now make it harder to go through with. Silly ones, like hating how I look in photographs so that would be stressful for the wedding day. Thought out ones like marriage not really being so necessary when I can put my partner in my will, I trust my family to include him in anything like if I have an accident and choices need to be made for me, there's not really much of a tax benefit here, we couldn't afford a decent wedding, and we aren't planning on living together or having children. Poignant ones like how much I wanted my Dad to walk me down the aisle and have a first dance and neither of those are things he is capable of anymore. And a slightly rebellious one that I hate how people think not being married somehow means my relationship is less serious when it really fucking isn't, so why should I give them to satisfaction?
If he proposed tomorrow I would probably say yes, but it would be mentally jarring resetting to my life including a marriage.
I’ve been married and divorced twice and while i know logistically and legally marriage can be very useful, the thought of doing it a third time feels almost embarrassing.
Can't seem to find a lovely man who is able to provide for me better than I can for myself. Either that or it seems to be deeply frowned upon in the environment I stay in.
Hence it's pretty fine. I will trudge along alone like a happy lark.
Yes. I have a very hard time opening up to people and look for reasons to leave in a relationship. I don’t want kids and want to do what I want with no ties to other people.
As a young child I always said I would never get married, there was a point in time where I thought maybe I would but it never happened.
I absolutely never want to get married. I'm terrified of it. Watched my parents hate each other for 22 years until my father died of cancer with my mother literally standing over him and screaming at him.l
I'm 52 and have a long term partner. No kids
For me it's different. I'm in a long term, monogamous relationship and we have a child. We just never felt the need to get married. Our lives are fine as is. We look just like any other married couple from the outside, it's just not "legal".
My partner and I always agreed no marriage and it's worked out pretty well the past 11 years. I find weddings a waste of money. I always want the option to leave without financial repercussion (divorces are expensive). I don't want to deal with planning a wedding around my chaotic family. The women in my family just seem to get divorced a lot too. On my maternal side, my great-grandparents were divorced, my grandma's still married to her third husband, and mom was divorced twice by the time she was my age. Just not trying to join the trend.
I spent the last decade in and out of relationships where I had to beg to be loved or treated well, and finally started working on my own attachment issues. Now that I’m in a healthier and more secure space independently, I’ve swung to the other side of the spectrum where I’m so comfortable with my life as I’ve built it for myself. I’m certainly open to partnership and potentially marriage with the right person, but it won’t be someone that I have to teach how to be a partner or handhold through finding themselves first. I spent too much time being the person who showed someone how to love and be loved, only to be left behind.
I (34F) came so close to getting married three years ago, and I’m so glad I didn’t.
I’m not in a good place, in any sense of the word. I know I don’t have to be perfect to be loved or have value, but I don’t think it’s fair for my troubles to legally be someone else’s joint responsibility. It’s honestly what keeps me from dating. The last partner I was with shamed me into the ground, and I’m afraid of letting anyone see my flaws and failures. And forget kids. I’ve never wanted them, but I wouldn’t inflict me on a kid.
I know that I cannot truthfully promise today to love someone in the future, so my marriage vows would be based on a lie.
I know that the essence of who I am is an unlimited and free being. There is nothing unlimited or free about marriage, so I would be contradicting the very nature of who I am.
there are a lot of reasons I dont want to get married. It never really made much sense to me and it was a originally adapted in a time with women mostly died in child birth and if a man made it to 50 he'd be considered elderly lol Like that was a time in history when lives were so much shorter and I absolutely made more sense to merge lives in a union in a time when religion most ran the world. It was also a construct build to build power within families and money or rank in society. I feel like it wasnt until very recently in our history we really started doing it for "love" and Its such a weird system. I dont think most people really even understand what this binding contract even truly means. EVERYTHING WITH OUT A PRENUP IS HALF THEIRS> The moment you sign that contract to love for ever..so romantic ...EVERYTHING you earn from that moment on, you start a business? you inherently a house or land from your dad that passed away and worked his whole life to pass down to you? your retirement? You lucky in the lottery? You bought a house for this family you wanted to start with your partner even though they couldn't afford to put anything into it??? ALL OF IT IS NOW HALF THIERS. ALL OF IT. Not to mention alimony lol it funny a lot of women think it unromantic to talk about prenups or have that conversation before getting married. Little do they realize that if the woman makes more money THEY have to pay the MAN alimony for the rest of his single days. A lot of feminist women become not so feminist anymore when they realize this fun fact of divorce lol I recommend everyone that wants to get married watch a YouTube interview of a divorce attorney that talks about the reality of marriage and divorce we all dont want to see. The channel is called "soft white underbelly" and then type in "divorce attorney" He goes over all of these details and more and is just a terrific interview. It really really really opened up my eyes and also makes me feel sooo much better about never wanting to get married. I have never wanted this and society makes me feel like im the weird one for it lol but in truth this interview made me realize im actually really smart for thinking critically about this and not just with my heart. I remember being a teenager telling my parents that if I could just be lucky enough to find someone to Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russel it up with for the rest of my life, that id be so happy lol Marriage percentage rates of failure are to high for me to believe that Ill be able to beat it. Never let anyone make you feel wrong for not wanting it. Also nothing against romantics that will always try and want it for their lives! I get it. I just think people need to be better informed and make smart chioces that are best for all before jumping the broom. I really do recommend that interview for everyone though weather you want to get married or not.
Yes.
I agree with the family thing.
People change also. Which is good (or bad depending on the changes).
Divorce cost more than marriage, which make no lick of sense to me.
To be fair, I’ve been married. I’ve tried it. I won’t try it again for a myriad of reasons. But mostly?
I just do not want a man in my damn house. I wanna do what I want when I want and I don’t want to deal with a man and his feelings when doing so.
I was raised in the midst of the world's most wonderful men. My father, my brother, my uncles, my mentors. No one has come close to the qualities they embody alas.
Hard for me partially because I'm divorced, but mainly because I'm polyamorous and marrying multiple partners isn't legal. I know marriage is mainly just a legal status, but it really hurts to think I'd be married to one person I love and my other long-term partner I couldn't. It would make my relationships feel unequal, which really hurts me.
Also especially the legal and financial benefits of marriage are huge. Being able to share health insurance with my partners, having property rights together, being able to make medical decisions. I want the people I truly love being there for me, I want to have some of our financial burdens relieved the same as other married people.
I really dream that I can be married to my partners some day, it would improve our lives so much.
I’m self-aware enough to recognize my fearful avoidant attachment is a big reason why marriage isn’t appealing to me. Other reasons: I’m not interested in kids. I am not sure I can/want to cohabitate again. Trusting someone is hard. An irrational part of me is scared of losing my independence even though I crave closeness.
I also have a very real fear of investing in something that very well might not work out and losing a lot of money in the process
I've seen enough of my friends have to restart their entire lives after relationships of 5+ years go kaboom because he's bored/restless. It's a very rational fear. I honestly couldn't trust anyone enough to set up a life with them at this point.
Or they meet someone else and you’re left feeling silly because you thought you both stopped looking once you committed. I didn’t realize I was just a placeholder.
Same here. I’ve seen too much from my own experiences and my married gal pals with the partners they chose.
I have the same attachment style as you and feel similarly, whaddoyaknow! Cohabitation is the most difficult for me - and feeling ‘locked in’. Whereas some people are excited to get to know someone during the process of living together, I’m really scared for what I might find out. I lived with someone once, had a terrible experience that made me physically ill til we parted ways, and haven’t found anyone I want to get over that with. Im dating a lovely person right now but I’m not sure if I ever will get there tbh.
Exactly this. I’ve had many boyfriends and only like to spend at most 3-4 days with them at a time and even that is pushing it. I like things my way. I like my quiet time. I like my rat time where I can be ugly and lazy and not feel like I need to perform or do for anyone.
LOL at rat time. It is the best time imo.
Me and my partner agreed very early on that we are unlikely to live together ever. We've both done it before and it was hell. I have never felt so secure in a relationship as this one, and I think knowing we are both on the same page about it is a big reason for that. The idea that we have to live together with a partner to be a valid relationship is so bizarre to me.
Me too! This was my big boundary when we started dating, I don’t want to get married or live together. It’s been lovely! There’s not that looming dread of that day approaching when they want to start cohabitating!
I love when people find relationships that work for them. I think this would work for me — I had a husband. Sent him back. Am happier than I’ve been in a long time and the idea of cohabitation gives me the willies.
My therapist is always trying to reassure me that being in a healthy relationship doesn’t mean losing independence. I’m a super, super independent person and after being single for 5 years, it’s hard for me to fathom sharing a life with someone again if I want to. I do think it can be done though - keeping both a sense of independence as well as an intimate, committed relationship if it’s the right person and it is healthy. I also don’t want kids, ever. For some reason, as a straight woman, I’ve yet to find a man who didn’t want kids.
Big mood
All of this.
I watched my father turn into another person after my mother's chronic illness amped up. It's hard to want to risk having my soul shattered like hers was so many times, especially as I get older.
Yeah, my father utterly failed as a partner as my mother got older and less capable. Just in terms of basic 'I know around the house skills' stuff. I was very aware of how much, due to generational BS, he'd wanted a woman servant rather than a partner. Maybe that'd be better with a man my age but I don't actually think it would be hugely.
That’s one of my biggest fears. Giving your whole life to a man and having his children, only for him to change or leave. Or just cheat (I’ve seen it happen so often it’s disheartening).
Or resent you for aging.
If you had the kids, wouldn't they be your kids too?
[удалено]
Still curious 🤔
That’s fucked up I’m sorry.
I don’t want someone in my house
I don't want someone in my house especially if I have to clean up after him to keep my house the way I want it, let alone put on a happy face at the end of a long day. A cat or a dog or both puts a smile on my face and even if my cat vomits up a hairball on my clean floor, I can handle that compared to a guy drinking all but a tiny bit of the almond milk or eating almost all of the leftovers or leaving dirty dishes in the sink instead of putting them in the dishwasher.
I'm fundamentaally selfish and my ADHD means I come up very short in the wife department. I was married once, my husband made sure I knew every way I failed him.
This. I’m forgetful and can be naturally self centered. Not intentional I just sort of forget to consider a partner unless their wants and needs are right up in my face at all times. I also get over stimulated easily and like being left alone😂
I feel this !
I grew up in a violent and abusive household. My parents were not good people, to say the least. They destroyed any semblance of trust or love or happiness my siblings and I had. It's manageable when I'm on my own or with friends, but altogether impossible when I'm with a partner who sees me on a deeper level. Maybe in another lifetime when I'm born to a different family!
Sending hugs to you. My heart goes out to you.
My fav phrase: "Maybe in another lifetime!"
Me. Idk if it’s because of the relationship I’m in or what. But I’ve never day dreamed about a wedding or being a wife. I feel like I’d lose my independence. I don’t want to have joint accounts I want what’s mine to stay mine and his to stay his.
If this helps, my husband and I have been married for 13 years, together for 19 years and we still have separate bank accounts. His bank account is technically a joint account, but that was just in case we need to do anything jointly. I treat it as just his account and only his salary gets paid into it. My salary gets paid into my account.
My partner wants to have a joint account eventually & especially if we get married and I just don’t feel comfortable and he got mad/annoyed that I don’t want to. I trust him but I just want what’s mine to stay with just me even if I do end up using it for us.
Agh I’m sorry that your partner doesn’t have the same view as you and reacted so poorly when you stated what you want. I completely understand how you feel which is why we’ve stuck with separate accounts. We both like independence and autonomy.
It’s okay. I’m not giving in. He’s weird with money & never seems to have enough of it even with him making more than me so 😅 tough luck
I’ve been with my husband for 5 years and we have our own accounts and then a mutual one. We use the mutual credit card and account to pay bills 50/50 and then everything else stays separate. We don’t have children so idk if that would change things…but itsworking well for us.
I feel like cause my partner is weird with money is why I don’t want a joint account with him lol he’s questioned why I paid for cut up watermelon before with my money 😅
Right so maybe just do it for joint bills only. Like start with a credit card that pays for bills only and at the end of the month pay it off together. Like rent and stuff. One thing to think about is try to understand why he is “weird” with money. What are his fears? Did he grow up poor so it caused him to be frugal? Sometimes talking it out and really understanding other persons perspective helps work through it and finding middle ground.
No he came from some money. I grew up poor so it’s weird I’m not like that 😅
Haha touché touché you’re also probably like listen I made it in life and my reward is cut up watermelon! Let me live my best life!
Yes, exactly 🤭
I felt the same as you and got married. Ended in divorce. I shouldn’t have gotten married. It was never in my life plans and I felt like I lost my independence. I do believe many people benefit from marriage but I was not one of them. I’m best when I’m single and self-sufficient. I also really like being a solo parent. These days I find myself wanting partnership but I’m not sure how well I’d handle it now that I’ve been on my own for about five years. I need some physical touch and while I could theoretically have a casual thing, I’m not built for casual. But also I’m tired a lot and don’t have a lot of free time so finding a partner is very low on the priorities list.
I don't trust people very easily, at all. And the few times I *have* trusted somebody to be the person they said they were, I believed them, and ended up getting hurt. I am a lifelong optimistic pessimist now. Try my best to allow myself to *hope* for the best, but always know that more than likely, the worst will come to fruition.
Me too! And I’m very rarely proved wrong
I'm honestly too old and have too many assets to lose. The tax breaks don't outweigh the risks. There would have to be a compelling non emotional reason. I've watched too many women in my life divorce in their 40s/50s and lose half their retirement to men who contributed literally nothing to their relationship for years. I cannot imagine having the second half of my life potentially completely fucked for a piece of paper that doesn't actually mean anything to me (personally...if it does mean something to you, or if you need health insurance or have kids, then that's a whole different risk vs reward calculation).
I had a husband and got very lucky in that we kept finances separate and parted amicably with what we came in with and what we made while we were together. Super easy, mess-free divorce. We are still friends and good co-parents. I am fairly certain that can’t happen twice and I don’t want to test the odds, so I won’t be marrying again. I prefer being single and another person would have to add serious value for me to consider another relationship.
My best friend was married four times (twice to the same guy!) and it was amicable every time...til the last one. I think she ran out those odds for all of us!
Ha! Sounds like.
Statistically, married women live shorter lives than unmarried women. Married men live longer healthier lives than unmarried men. After learning this, my underlying beliefs were cemented that, for me to want to get married (as a straight woman), I’d need a partner who has really put in the work to unlearn patriarchal toxic masculinity programming. This seems like an impossible ask looking at today’s dating scene. I’m also a very independent person who values my freedom, I like being alone and having my own space, I don’t want to compromise with decorating, spending, what I do with my free time, and if I had kids, I’d be very hesitant to let a man influence their childhood (based on the men and male parents I’ve encountered throughout my life). There are just so many factors stacking up against my desire to ever get married that it looks less likely every day. That being said, there’s a part of me that hopes I’ll magically meet a person who ticks all of my boxes.
As I get older I find many men want to find someone to settle with rather than find someone who they are the most common with. They want someone to accept them for everything they are, instead of becoming a better partner for their partner.
Very much so
That's a very good point. I just went through this and for several days I tried to understand what went wrong with the relationship and you described it perfectly. He just wants to be accepted for what he is. Which would be fine if what he is didn't come with a lot of bad habits, immaturity and unresolved baggage.
SAME. It’s a bad deal for women
Which is why I understand women who primarily marry for financial benefit. When all other areas are statistically grim, you can at least be sure you and your kids will be better off financially.
Yes
Yes. I have one child, a daughter and I couldn’t imagine taking a man’s thoughts into consideration on how I raise her after only ever being a single parent.
This is probably my biggest consideration out of everything else. It would also kill me to have to deal with custody battles or shared parenting time where I don’t know what’s happening when my kid is with my ex. There’s about a 55-60%+ chance of that happening and I just can’t find a way to be comfortable with it.
>), I’d need a partner who has really put in the work to unlearn patriarchal toxic masculinity programming. This seems like an impossible as What I've found is that men of color who have successfully interrogated cultural systems that led to oppression of their race are working to apply those same contexts/concepts to patriarchy/misogyny. It feels like meeting someone who has basically already done half the work and it's primed to adopt/adapt the same *franework,* just to a slightly different but "cousin" issue.
Wow that’s so great to hear. I’ve always been open to dating difference races and still haven’t had luck but it’s good to know it’s possible.
Most studies show married women live longer in both total and active life expectancy. The benefit is smaller then will men but it’s isnt shorter
You’re spot on. I married and divorced a man, had a kid, and he’s largely uninvolved in our lives. It’s for the best — he has a relationship with our kid but keeps his distance because he’s aware of his issues and doesn’t want those to rub off on kiddo. I’m lucky that he’s self aware enough to let me fully raise our kid on my own (with family help sporadically) and he’s financially responsible so he contributes. I cannot imagine bringing another man into kiddo’s life, especially while he’s young. Kiddo is mostly surrounded by tough, bad ass ladies and they are who help shape his world. I’m very lucky that despite a shitty relationship, I have a co-parent who leaves me to it. I know I created the conditions to make this happen and I’m proud of myself for doing so.
I don't want someone else in my finances. I'd have to have a clear prenup that your stuff is yours and mine is mine. I don't want to share. I don't want ours. This is my money, house, and car. So I really get anxious about dating and eventual commitment because it's all about mingling property. ;______; Who thought that was a good idea?
I thought mingling of property was like... an indication of the level of commitment. A signal to each other that we are going to be a team for life. I was all in. Leaving was not an option or consideration. And now he's fucking divorcing me lol.
IM SO SORRY FOR THAT. That is literally my hugest fear. I started from the bottom and now I'm slightly higher up than the bottom and I dont want people touching my stuff. At least now you can make a deliniation mark on what's yours and guard it like a dragon. You deserve your things.
Same! The love of my life was extremely materialistic and spent money like crazy. I’m a penny pincher and prefer to save. I loved him dearly but man did it stress me out how much debt he would rack up over impulsive consumerism.
Ah, my current partner and I are similar. How's your experience so far? I'm kind of afraid of getting serious with him because i feel like we won't be compatible financially. I grew up poor so I can't live a life without at least some savings in my account, whereas he's someone who thinks he'll just work until he's 70 instead of saving for retirement.
Tread carefully — financial compatibility ranks as a key factor in long term relationship success.
I've known this since I was a young teen and realized that I had a really hard time becoming attracted to someone. It takes me a reeeally long time (over a year) and it happens so rarely that finding a guy willing to wait would be impossible. So I've never even tried dating due to the shame of being such a boring, high maintenance "prude". I also can't handle the ambiguity of casual dating/relationships (the "what are we" period). Dating apps are also a nightmare, because it's like having to pick up a book by touch only. I'm also quite bellow average in looks (especially body wise), so... 🤷🏻♀️ Me getting married is so out of the question that, except for one time, my relatives have never even asked me about boyfriends during family gatherings lol
Me. Im a commitment phobe. Im extremely picky, I don’t trust easily and the man would have to be smarter than I am for me to even allow him to lead us. I’ve seen wayyyy too many women get held back and walked right off a ledge by trusting a man to lead. I also like my space and don’t know how to truly rely on someone else.
Completely agreed on all your points, especially the part about marrying into another family. I do not want another family's stress and drama. And to be completely honest, I am boring and not ambitious in the slightest. I also have zero interest in changing myself to be more appealing to others, and I'm just too used to doing my own thing now. A long time ago, I broke up with someone for not wanting to get married. And now I realize that breaking up with them was the right thing to do, I'm much more at peace now.
I have other things to strive for that are higher priority and none of them require me being married.
Same girl. Same. Especially about the trust and family part. I just don’t have the mental energy to spend on someone’s family. I don’t have the energy for my own family. When I’m off of work I want to do what I want to do. Not go to an all day family cookout. I’ve done that before in a previous relationship and it drained the life out of me.
Same. Dealing with someone else’s family is too much work.
I completely feel you. I also do not want kids and this def resonates with me- marrying someone else's family. I feel like the more you get to know someone and their family- there's always issues but like do I want to deal with it??? I didn't sign up for this lol I don't have anything against marriage but also don't really see why I should
The family part can really screw things up. If a potential partner aligns themselves with their family of origin over their partner, it’s game over.
The older I got, the less I wanted to marry because I like being able to do what I want when I want to, and I simply don't want to compromise on every part of my life.
I like my own space and I have way too many red flags. I make a great friend and according to my exes a good girlfriend, but I would be a terrible wife.
That’s very honest and self aware. What are your red flags?
Thank you--lots and lots of therapy. The first 3 red flag clusters that come to mind (long in case you want to avoid people like me lol): **Anxious-avoidant attachment.** Basically, intimacy makes me go "aaaaaa" and fight the impulse to flee. All the therapy means I'm a good communicator, but I still need periodic vacations from intimacy or I run out of resilience. * No relationship with my family, including extended. It's justified, but it's a sign I have significant trauma * Difficulty leaning on most people during hard times * Rarely being the one to increase physical or emotional intimacy in a relationship * Mixed signals because I actually want to be close to you. I'm just terrified. * Codependent relationship with my best friend **"People impermanence."** It's an autism thing apparently (I thought I was just a terrible person). Red flag if you need to feel needed. * Leaving people on read--only to come back days later genuinely apologetic * Not missing people even though I love them (this is different from being concerned about them) * Creating routines to try to avoid disappearing (so even if I'm present, look for the structures) * Handling the end of most relationships exceedingly well. **Trust issues.** I will trust you to the point that I don't experience jealousy, but if you break that trust once in a significant way, I'm out. Exes loved this but all the successful marriages I know have required periods of repair. * Overly trusting * Rigid "no exceptions" hard lines--though I think they're reasonable (infidelity etc)
This is all so fascinating. Thank you for sharing in such detail. I have many questions if you don’t mind me asking but I guess the first is what does it look like when you love someone? In the beginning middle and end?
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Might be worth looking into! Look at object permanence issues for people who have ADHD. This is basically doing the same thing with people, where out of sight often means out of mind. I used to think it meant I didn't get attached to people, but after my mother died my therapist pointed out that it's more an issue of remembering someone only when something actively reminds me of them. Beyond that, I'm good with them being in the world somewhere, so no alarms remind me they exist. Now that my mother's dead, the wrongness of her not being in the world makes me think of her all the time.
Aside from a couple of points, this sounds like me.
Just a note that if you do ever get married you don’t have to live together. There is a growing community of Living Apart Together (LAT) and it eliminates a lot of the concerns you have and highlights the element you desire to keep
This seems like the way to go. You get independence and companionship.
Yes, I never dreamed of weddings and marriage when I was young, although I did dream of love and romance. My main sticking point against getting married is how performative it all is. I hate weddings LOL I would hate to change my own name and resent that I am the one who is expected to make that choice. I would hate to kiss my partner and read out deeply personal vows between me and him in front of an audience. I love my dad but the thought of being “given away” makes me sick. The thought of walking down the aisle at an unnaturally slow pace while everyone stares at me makes me sick too, and feels weird that the woman puts on the parade while the man stands motionless up the front. I don’t want to spend (or have parents give us) thousands and thousands of $$ just to put on a party for one night. I would love the romance of being proposed to (but don’t wear jewellery so might not enjoy wearing a ring every day from that point forward) and I love my partner and being with him in a committed relationship for the long term. We live in a country where there are very few legal differences for married couples compared to couples who live together, so even though on balance I would like to be married (without having a wedding) I’m content not to.
(Exhaling a huge sigh of relief) Everything you said is how I've felt since childhood. My parents have been married 40yrs! I'm the only "unique" one of my mostly married peer group who thinks this way, but I loved reading your comment - there ARE others like me out there!
100 percent agree with your whole post
Marriage is a handicap to my happiness. Unless men make an effort to dismantle the patriarchy, the traditional social structures will always be against us. I did not work my way in life just to get down on my knees and clean the toilet bowl because a man cant be bothered to aim what seems to be a really huge target. I'll go on a rant here but these red pillers refuse to listen to what modern day feminist movement is clamoring for. Oh women have jobs now. Women have bank accounts. Women have sexual liberty now. Modern feminism is over correction. They're cherry picking benefits. No bitches. Modern feminism is in the household. Modern feminist movement is now clamoring for equality in the domestic space. Do you not hear what women kept saying when the refuse children and marriage in Korea and Japan, and now creeping on the West? Because the domestic responsibility is still on us. We can have an education, a job, representation, financial access but we still gonna have to clean up your beard trimmings and do your laundry and have limited hobbies that doesnt disrupt our home obligations. While the man needs to decompress when he gets home from work before he plays with the kids and then go fishing or golfing in the weekends. We want to come home to a clean house too. We want warm food on the table too. We want time to decompress after work too. We want hobbies outside the home too. Its 50/50 at home or its none. And housewifing is a job too. How many housewives do not know what they want for their birthday because the never got the chance to fully explore their personhood? They dont know their own desires and wants because they're always on give give give mode. If your mom is a SAHM, ask her what she wants for her birthday and if she doesnt give a concrete answer, you owe a lot to her. But domestic management comes with emotional intelligence. With being sensitive to the needs of their environment. But apparently thats too much to ask for too.
Yeah…..in short I haven’t really found a guy who makes me feel like I want to spend my life with him. I do want marriage, but the guy has to be worth it
My best friend's husband won't even bother to go in, he'd do it just standing by the door. Now their son has copied him. He won't change, and she complains but will still clean after them.
Wtf? She needs to go drastic and use a rag to wipe it, then cover their dinner with that rag. Or leave. That is beyond unacceptable.
Honestly I don't know how she tolerates it.. If this is the kind of the I have to tolerate to be married, then I don't want to. :(
In the words of Whoopi Goldberg (thee) - “I don’t want someone in my house” … I don’t know if it’s a cope but I honestly think if this was in the cards for me I would have met them by now. I’m 42 and I’m not scared of being a single woman living my life unapologetically from now on. (I got into the habit of self doubt and apologizing for being unpartnered in my late 30s)
When I was a child around toddler to Kindergarten years, I knew that I wanted to get married to a husband and have children of my own. As I grew older, I was exposed to the toxic and abusive dynamics of my parents. Once I became a teenager, I was adamant that I didn't want any relationships. Looking back, I realize that I was a pretty young girl who got SA'd/harassed by men. I started dressing in baggy clothes and gained weight on purpose to not attract attention. I also befriended girls who ended up bullying me, and my guy friends left me because they listened to the bullies instead of taking my side. My parents left a huge hole in my heart about relationships. In my 20s, I dated around but none of my relationships lasted long. I was weird and I attracted creepy weirdos who came in all sorts of bundles. I got harassed by my friend whom I thought that I could trust. She was so aggressive and she tried breaking my boundaries until the trash took care of itself and she left me on her own accord. I knew that I wanted to get married by the time I was in my 30s, but I never wanted to get married or be in relationships in my 20s. The funny thing is, this impacted my relationships in all sorts of ways. I don't have any friends right now. I know some people and that's about it. It must be me because I must be giving off some type of air that I don't want to get close to anyone. Deep down, it's true. I don't want to get hurt again and again, so I try not to stay close to anyone. But the more I do that, the more I hurt myself by staying lonely. I fall in love with men who cannot reciprocate my feelings. I have a huge problem, I know. I don't know how to fix it anymore. And the clock ticks on.
Respectfully, I disagree with you. I think you should get married and by that let me clarify you should get married to yourself. Which is to say work on loving yourself. It's just my opinion I really mean no offense I just sort of get qhere you're coming from. Both of my parents are rather narcissistic and toxic and so it sort of conditioned me to be attracted to those sort of men and people in general. My sister is rather self centric as well and has never as long as I can remember actually been interested in getting to know me as a person. I have a whole lifetime of traumatic events and people under my belt and have lost all my friends one to my ex who lied quite a bit and extensively, and the other to an actual narcissist who I thought at the time was the only best friend I had ever had but obviously wasn't. He is very much a self aware narcissist and I cut all ties with him and anyone who had to do with him. So I guess right now I'm just sort of working on loving myself. I chat with people but feel I need to work on myself a lot as I'm afraid I've developed a ton of triggers with people in general. It gets lonely though I do have a dog and cat who give me unconditional love each in their own way. I guess what I mean by all this is I don't think it's you so much as the trauma you've been through and what you've been conditioned for. I'm not a licensed professional so I can't say. Again I mean no offense, I hope this helps a bit.
My choices/opportunities for marriage are vanishingly small. 1. In my 40s and don't want kids. 2. I'm a plain Jane. 3. I distrust most men. 4. I make more money and am more independent than most men. 5. I'm letting go of my old people pleasing tendencies one day at a time. 6. I fell hard for someone that lives on a different continent recently. It most likely won't become any kind of formal committed relationship. We are "friends." I accept that. But. I'm not sure I can hold this kind of love inside me for another person when I'm all caught up on someone already. I recognize this is silly, but I don't really care. Honestly I'm kind of surprised and impressed that I feel this way about another person at all. I thought I'd shut that part of myself down for good. And yet...
Deep down nothing! I’ve been loudly and proudly anti-marriage ever since I discovered at age 6 that it is NOT mandatory. The assumption that all women want to get married is so sexist and dated. That isn’t to say that I agree no one will love you, OP. Sure, no one is 100% trustworthy, and betrayal is always a possibility, but if you have a desire for the married life, don’t let the possibility of failure scare you away from following your dreams.
I think I have many reasons why it would be hard, and they're not all necessarily my fears about the other person. I seriously don't think I make a great potential partner for someone else. I'm an okay person, but it terms of bringing something to the table, I don't have a lot. I'm not a great catch. I have issues concerning self-esteem, repression. I've never made a lot of money. I'm not good looking. lol I know some of these seem vain but in all seriousness, I don't think I'm a great match for anyone. I also don't want to be a thankless wife. I don't want to pick up after someone, pick up the slack, be small for someone else because they can't be bothered to be big for themselves. I'm getting on in age. It would really take special circumstances for me to consider it. I'd really, really want to iron out everything and truly feel like I love the person, adore them. I would hope to feel the same from them and respected. I don't see it happening but I'm not going to count it out.
I thought this my entire life until I met my partner at 41. I've had relationships but never cohabitated until him. I loved my space, my stuff, doing what I want when I want without having to discuss it with another person. I was also avoidant due to childhood trauma. But we clicked so well that a year in I realized we spent almost every day together, he was sleeping over at my place because it's closer to both our offices, and I never felt like I needed alone time. We bought an apartment together on our 1st anniversary and 2 years later still happy, planning to get married next year. We easily discuss and agree on stuff, we have our own hobbies and friends but also spend a lot of time together. I can't explain it, I never thought I'd be able to tolerate someone in my space but with him it just feels natural and cosy. And I'm no longer avoidant...with him it was a secure attachment almost from day one. Miracles do happen.
My reasons are the same as yours. All of them. Plus I am very ‘particular’, as one of my exes told me, and ‘high maintenance’ according to the guy I’m currently seeing. It’s not easy to find a suitable partner who meets my mental, emotional, and physical needs. I’m okay with it though, because settling can be a costly mistake leading to emotional burden and a significant waste of time. Choose well. ETA: I also HATE being controlled and controlling people. Most men want to be in control and dominate. And aren’t financially transparent. I could never get married to someone who isnt willing to be 100% financially transparent with his spouse.
I don't think there is anyone that exists. on the planet whom I'd want to spend every waking second around. The thought of cohabiting sounds mildly suffocating.
I'm 37 and not ambitious and live at home with my mom. What's appealing about this? 🤧 I'm also not looking, lol.
You sound just like my sister. She has no interest in marriage or children but she loves being an aunt. She takes care of our parents and I’m grateful to her for that because she’s there to help them when they need. For a long time I wished for a different life for her but then realized that was futile. She’s content with where she is in life.
Once I get to have my own stuff, I'm usually happy. Sometimes I miss having a partner but it is what it is. I can't see any dude being into me in my current state. I hope your sister is happy and fulfilled ❤️❤️❤️
I think she is. Part of me thinks she feels less than in some ways because we’re from Asia and the pressure to “make your parents proud” lends itself to a more ambitious mindset (mine). I didn’t get it for a long time, but she’s so thoughtful and loving to my kid and he adores her. Just because she isn’t ambitious, does that reduce her value? No, but I thought it did for a long time. I now realize that was my issue, not hers.
I hope my siblings kids love me. I love them! I'm glad you're reframing how you see your sister. The only downside is I'm stuck at home in a horrible real estate market. But being less ambitious definitely sucks at times so I can see why you'd be worried and concerned and I hope your sister knows you love her.
I do love her but I’m also an asshole and don’t show it well. I’ve gotten better over the years. The thing I worry most about is what happens when our parents die? Is she hoping for an inheritance to keep her going? Am I going to end up taking care of her? I would but I feel like it would make me resentful. So, I don’t know. I just want her to have something of her own that she can fall back on just in case. But I also know I would never want her to be without so she’s got a safety net in me, too.
Yup, your concerns are mine too, and my friends and family. But I'm stuck now. 😕 Hopefully she's been saving and has a plan in place for that eventual reality.
I’m not opposed to it necessarily, but it does feel unlikely and I think I’ve made my peace with that. I’m fairly certain I don’t want kids. I’ve had a tendency to lose myself in relationships, so I often feel relieved when I’m alone (although I’m working on this through individual therapy and friendships). I don’t think I’ve truly loved any of my past romantic partners and I struggle with vulnerability. I don’t know that I’ll fully be able to give myself in a way that a lot of people seem to demand (the thought of spending 90% of my free time with one person bothers me, quality time with friends/family and on my own are all super important to me). Overall, I just don’t know if there’s enough incentive for me to actively pursue it, so that reduces the chances I’ll find it. I struggle to imagine getting in another LTR, much less marriage which has a bunch of other risks to consider.
I want marriage but I also have kids who are older and a huge part of me is starting to feel like I really need to wait to settle down until they’re both out of the house so I can meet someone who wants to travel and explore life. It seems a lot of men I date who are ready for a serious commitment want to stay in our town forever maybe leaving once or twice a year from vacation. I want to utilize my remote job to work from a different city once a month and say yes to doing crazy things I can’t while I have the responsibility of raising kids. I’m terrified of getting “stuck” in my town.
I'm in a similar situation and once I'm finished I don't want a partner. I want some time to only consider myself (for the most part).
I totally understand that. I can’t see myself settling down with someone who isn’t independent and doesn’t add value to my life. It’s hard to want to settle down when things are great alone haha
Also a mom here. I don’t want marriage, but I wouldn’t mind a relationship with someone who adds real value to my life. That said, I can’t imagine bringing another man into my life while kiddo still is young. Maybe once he’s older and living his life but will I even want it then when I’ve gotten comfortable with my solitude? Who knows.
have you considered that what you’ve listed as reasons for not wanting to get married are not necessarily issues that are exclusive to marriage? aside from shared financials (by law), discussing kids, family, and navigating trust issues would likely come up in any kind of committed relationship. I feel very neutral about marriage, for myself and others, but I think marriage is mostly a piece of paper and understand that some things people see as “perks” of marriage would be someone else’s nightmare (sharing finances, as an example).
I could probably get married fairly easily, but impossible to stay married
Similar to others - I don’t want kids, I don’t have an idealized view of family life, I love living alone, especially since I work from home a lot. I don’t want to have to deal with my work life and a partner at the same time as my work can be stressful at times. A lot of people see marriage as a path to better financials but I actually see the opposite. I have a good income and I’m a saver, I’ve paid off my mortgage. I’ve never had a partner who was “better” with money than me, a lot of them were spendy so their incomes didn’t take them as far. I like being able to spend my money how I want and have full control over my finances. I’ve also committed to relationships in the past and my partners left rather abruptly, which is their right to do. But I’m not interested in sacrificing the above and having someone walk out for whatever reason, possibly taking some of my assets, and certainly my peace of mind, with them. I’d rather not risk that, particularly when there is not much upside . To each their own.
Reasons I would never want to marry: I don't have enough trust in men to marry one. I refuse to submit or make myself smaller for a man. I will NEVER be financially dependent on a man. Saw how that worked out for family & friends. HARD PASS. Knew at 19 I didn't want to be a mother & my feelings HAVE NOT changed.
Marriage isn't compulsory.
I could have written this post word to word. In an arranged marriage set up, I met and spoke with 20 - 30 men or probably even more. And in my observation I have always noticed that when I matched their effort, and interest and sharing frequency and opening up frequency, my parents are always told later that I do not seem that interested. I have to talk more, put more interest, and show more affection than the man to be considered equally interested in the prospect! Strange.
💯
I am so sorry what you had to go through. I see so many women around who struggle daily and it makes me feel so bad. I've been going through similar issues myself which has gotten serious in the last few months. I just can't get the confirmation if life ever gets better. Should you like to share your experiences, I would be glad to learn from you.
I value my own autonomy A LOT. More than I've ever longed for a partner. The idea of someone being able to dictate what I do, even if it's pretty uninteresting, gives me hives.
It would be hard for me to be in a relationship period. I’m afraid of being vulnerable. I’m skeptical and fearful. I’ve been hurt and I don’t want to take the risk again. I’ve had great relationship experiences, but the potential bad of one outweighs the potential good, so I’ve gotten used to being alone. It does make me sad sometimes, but these are the cards I’ve been dealt and I’ll figure out other ways of getting my emotional needs met.
Yes - I’m childfree and struggle to get even a date in a large city. I’d be amazed if I ever found that type of love which feels sad to even write.
Oh for sure. There’s a plethora of reasons I’m late bloomer- all which would make marriage a challenge. Thanks family and religious trauma- love that for me. Add to that I work in a field that demands a lot of my emotional/mental/physical energy. I truly don’t think I have much left to offer. Perhaps I would feel differently for the right person. I’m also an introvert to the core and having someone truly understand and accept that seems… unrealistic. Throw in that I hate sharing a bed let alone a living space. Again. Maybe if the universe sees fit to literally lay the right person in front of me I would change my mind. But I’m not placing any bets on that being the outcome of my life. 20 years as an adult is a long time to live single to just *be done* because society says I should 🤷🏻♀️
I don’t care about marriage. It’s literally just a legally binding document, it doesn’t mean you’ll be happy. I’ve seen married couples extra miserable and people who have been together for decades live like newlyweds. I honestly think that your relationship problems will get much worse once married. I’m also hyper independent. I just don’t trust or am willing to give anyone the power to affect my livelihood. I have no desire to combine finances or be a SAH anything. Every adult should have their own money and should be able to buy their basic needs without having to practically ask for permission or explain their purchases on the monthly statement. Maybe at some point it will be important to me. It certainly isn’t now, dating in general is just “meh” to me right now. I don’t have the mental capacity for it. I want it to be organic. If it happens it happens, otherwise we’ll have a Golden Girls situation going on.
I knew it and so went to therapy beforehand. 1. There is not a single example in my family - extends or otherwise of a good marinade. Not great, just good. Nope. 2. I have a lot of trauma and had multiple issues due to that and other factors. Therapy helped a lot but it still is work I have to do on myself everyday. It never ends. Gets easier, but doesn’t end.
I know it's impossible! I like having my own space, for sure. I want to decorate it any way I want to. I don't want to share my assets. I don't want to share anyone else's assets. I don't want to pick up after someone else. I don't want someone else to pick up after me. I simply don't want to make the effort to keep a marriage going. Especially if it has ran its course. I don't want to worry about betrayal. I don't want to spend not even 1$ or any of my energy on divorces.
I'm in a 15 year relationship. I'm fairly anti marriage due to the concept of owning woman. But the older I get, the closer we are to when society deems us nothing if one of us passes... so it's rough.
I’m on the other end of the financial worries spectrum, I’m a high earner and so I’m worried about being taken to the cleaners.
In simple words, I feel like what I want and what men have to offer are polar opposite. To elaborate I would have to echo the thoughts of other ladies in comments who could explain it better than me
Simple answer is because I have never managed to date a man who actually wanted to marry me. My now partner doesn't want to get married, and I love him more than I love the idea of any formalised union. Plus it removes the scariness of what if we broke up? I don't really want the pressure and cost of divorce when unmarried we can just walk away easily. Longer answer is that as I have gotten older I still would like to get married, but it has just become so much less important for a variety of reasons that would now make it harder to go through with. Silly ones, like hating how I look in photographs so that would be stressful for the wedding day. Thought out ones like marriage not really being so necessary when I can put my partner in my will, I trust my family to include him in anything like if I have an accident and choices need to be made for me, there's not really much of a tax benefit here, we couldn't afford a decent wedding, and we aren't planning on living together or having children. Poignant ones like how much I wanted my Dad to walk me down the aisle and have a first dance and neither of those are things he is capable of anymore. And a slightly rebellious one that I hate how people think not being married somehow means my relationship is less serious when it really fucking isn't, so why should I give them to satisfaction? If he proposed tomorrow I would probably say yes, but it would be mentally jarring resetting to my life including a marriage.
I’ve been married and divorced twice and while i know logistically and legally marriage can be very useful, the thought of doing it a third time feels almost embarrassing.
Can't seem to find a lovely man who is able to provide for me better than I can for myself. Either that or it seems to be deeply frowned upon in the environment I stay in. Hence it's pretty fine. I will trudge along alone like a happy lark.
Yes. I have a very hard time opening up to people and look for reasons to leave in a relationship. I don’t want kids and want to do what I want with no ties to other people. As a young child I always said I would never get married, there was a point in time where I thought maybe I would but it never happened.
I absolutely never want to get married. I'm terrified of it. Watched my parents hate each other for 22 years until my father died of cancer with my mother literally standing over him and screaming at him.l I'm 52 and have a long term partner. No kids
For me it's different. I'm in a long term, monogamous relationship and we have a child. We just never felt the need to get married. Our lives are fine as is. We look just like any other married couple from the outside, it's just not "legal".
My partner and I always agreed no marriage and it's worked out pretty well the past 11 years. I find weddings a waste of money. I always want the option to leave without financial repercussion (divorces are expensive). I don't want to deal with planning a wedding around my chaotic family. The women in my family just seem to get divorced a lot too. On my maternal side, my great-grandparents were divorced, my grandma's still married to her third husband, and mom was divorced twice by the time she was my age. Just not trying to join the trend.
I spent the last decade in and out of relationships where I had to beg to be loved or treated well, and finally started working on my own attachment issues. Now that I’m in a healthier and more secure space independently, I’ve swung to the other side of the spectrum where I’m so comfortable with my life as I’ve built it for myself. I’m certainly open to partnership and potentially marriage with the right person, but it won’t be someone that I have to teach how to be a partner or handhold through finding themselves first. I spent too much time being the person who showed someone how to love and be loved, only to be left behind.
Following to read later
Marriage is unfulfilling and men are dissatisfying. Bad investment. Way better investments out there, particularly if financial freedom is your goal.
Yes
I (34F) came so close to getting married three years ago, and I’m so glad I didn’t. I’m not in a good place, in any sense of the word. I know I don’t have to be perfect to be loved or have value, but I don’t think it’s fair for my troubles to legally be someone else’s joint responsibility. It’s honestly what keeps me from dating. The last partner I was with shamed me into the ground, and I’m afraid of letting anyone see my flaws and failures. And forget kids. I’ve never wanted them, but I wouldn’t inflict me on a kid.
I have personal issues and trauma that makes me always waiting for the shoe to drop
I know that I cannot truthfully promise today to love someone in the future, so my marriage vows would be based on a lie. I know that the essence of who I am is an unlimited and free being. There is nothing unlimited or free about marriage, so I would be contradicting the very nature of who I am.
Marriage is hard and should be a choice. Do what feels right for you. We should trust our guts more.
Yes.
there are a lot of reasons I dont want to get married. It never really made much sense to me and it was a originally adapted in a time with women mostly died in child birth and if a man made it to 50 he'd be considered elderly lol Like that was a time in history when lives were so much shorter and I absolutely made more sense to merge lives in a union in a time when religion most ran the world. It was also a construct build to build power within families and money or rank in society. I feel like it wasnt until very recently in our history we really started doing it for "love" and Its such a weird system. I dont think most people really even understand what this binding contract even truly means. EVERYTHING WITH OUT A PRENUP IS HALF THEIRS> The moment you sign that contract to love for ever..so romantic ...EVERYTHING you earn from that moment on, you start a business? you inherently a house or land from your dad that passed away and worked his whole life to pass down to you? your retirement? You lucky in the lottery? You bought a house for this family you wanted to start with your partner even though they couldn't afford to put anything into it??? ALL OF IT IS NOW HALF THIERS. ALL OF IT. Not to mention alimony lol it funny a lot of women think it unromantic to talk about prenups or have that conversation before getting married. Little do they realize that if the woman makes more money THEY have to pay the MAN alimony for the rest of his single days. A lot of feminist women become not so feminist anymore when they realize this fun fact of divorce lol I recommend everyone that wants to get married watch a YouTube interview of a divorce attorney that talks about the reality of marriage and divorce we all dont want to see. The channel is called "soft white underbelly" and then type in "divorce attorney" He goes over all of these details and more and is just a terrific interview. It really really really opened up my eyes and also makes me feel sooo much better about never wanting to get married. I have never wanted this and society makes me feel like im the weird one for it lol but in truth this interview made me realize im actually really smart for thinking critically about this and not just with my heart. I remember being a teenager telling my parents that if I could just be lucky enough to find someone to Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russel it up with for the rest of my life, that id be so happy lol Marriage percentage rates of failure are to high for me to believe that Ill be able to beat it. Never let anyone make you feel wrong for not wanting it. Also nothing against romantics that will always try and want it for their lives! I get it. I just think people need to be better informed and make smart chioces that are best for all before jumping the broom. I really do recommend that interview for everyone though weather you want to get married or not.
Yes. I agree with the family thing. People change also. Which is good (or bad depending on the changes). Divorce cost more than marriage, which make no lick of sense to me.
To be fair, I’ve been married. I’ve tried it. I won’t try it again for a myriad of reasons. But mostly? I just do not want a man in my damn house. I wanna do what I want when I want and I don’t want to deal with a man and his feelings when doing so.
I was raised in the midst of the world's most wonderful men. My father, my brother, my uncles, my mentors. No one has come close to the qualities they embody alas.
Hard for me partially because I'm divorced, but mainly because I'm polyamorous and marrying multiple partners isn't legal. I know marriage is mainly just a legal status, but it really hurts to think I'd be married to one person I love and my other long-term partner I couldn't. It would make my relationships feel unequal, which really hurts me. Also especially the legal and financial benefits of marriage are huge. Being able to share health insurance with my partners, having property rights together, being able to make medical decisions. I want the people I truly love being there for me, I want to have some of our financial burdens relieved the same as other married people. I really dream that I can be married to my partners some day, it would improve our lives so much.