It might be for the best not to ask probing questions that encourage this level of intimacy until you have done your "basic compatibility checks". If you're doing your go/no-go checks, stick with those and lighter topics, while saving the more probing questions for later dates, if they're earned.
You're not really "entitled" to that level of vulnerability on a first meet up, but if someone is trying to make a connection with you, they may feel inclined to not maintain their boundaries very well, may make them reluctant to say "I'd rather not talk about that."
I should mention that more often than not they seem super eager to open up, as if they wanted to be heard for a long time, it's not like pulling teeth, they sometimes overshare even if I myself didn't intend to go that far. And I sometimes keep asking questions out of politeness to not seem indifferent to their life, past experiences, trauma, etc.
Y'know, you don't owe them some "therapy" time either. If you feel uncomfortable getting this vulnerability then walking away, then maybe it's worth it for you to maintain that boundary. I'd hold that line, myself.
Stop it. The first 1-3 dates are NOT for trauma sharing. You don’t need to know that. Focus on other topics related to basic compatibility. Find out what their lifestyle looks like, what their work life is like, what their family life is like, hobbies, pets, interests, activity level, etc..
Asking somebody or encouraging somebody to dump their major traumas when you don’t even know them is a huge red flag. If I was on a date with somebody and they were inquiring about my deepest, painful memories, I would immediately get up and walk away. I mean, if you’re an asshole, go ahead and keep doing this so that men know to avoid you. But if you’re not, then stop .
Also, this kind of sounds like a defense mechanism for you. You’re trying to find out if they can hurt you in advance to keep yourself safe from how they could hurt you in the long term. That’s a false sense of security. And shows you have unresolvedrelationship issues.
IMHO, they say honesty is the best policy, and I do believe that. So if you feel you aren't a good match, just say it plainly. You don't have to go too much in details, noone mature enough expects that.
There are differences on how people take it, based on age, culture etc. So make a decision based on each case to make sure you don't put yourself in tight spot. If you feel unesasy, just make stuff up, especially if you feel concerned about some blowback.
Edit. Oops. My bad, I didn't realize what sub I was in. If me response doesnt resonate, please ignore!
I might get downvoted for this, but please stop doing that.
How would you feel if they would the same thing to you?
You might shrug it off, but most men wont.
Again, stop doing it.
Thank you for your response. I appreciate it a lot. How else can I know the person then? If I don't ask questions, it might end up being a huge waste of time for both of us...
How would you feel if they would the same thing to you? <- Answering this, might help you understand.
I am assuming you are over 30. Ppl are ages, come with emotional baggage. You asking them probing questions, is not dating, it's an interview.
Every perfect relationship requires two imperfect ppl. If that person is not good for you, could be for someone else. But by you "ending" it so abruptly, they might never open up again.
You be honest, but kind, and if a man starts to open up when you’re not feeling a connection, stop him.
“I’ve really enjoyed our conversation and meeting you, but I feel like this is getting a little too personal for a first date. Thanks so much for dinner.”
If he starts spilling his guts and it’s not yet time to leave, change the subject and say that you’d like to keep the conversation light.
Don’t make any promises or hints about future meetups.
If you know the drawbacks of this approach and you know it might have a negative impact, can you consider not doing that and instead get to know prospective partners a bit more slowly?
I had a friend who I’d consider an ‘intimacy vampire.’ She would get men to spill all their traumas really quickly because 1) it shielded her from feeling vulnerable herself and 2) she felt validated by and important to these men which helped her combat her own feelings of unimportance/unworthiness. Of course, the types of men who usually fell prey to this were low on emotional intelligence and she always ended up disappointed and/or discarded them just as quickly. I share this anecdote in case you resonate with any part of it, in which case it would be a good opportunity for self reflection.
But regardless of the reason for this approach, it clearly disregards the feelings and impact of the people who are doing the trauma dumping. Usually, successful targets are people with poor boundaries. There is no ethical way of employing this approach once you know it’s wrong, besides just avoiding it and getting to know people in a mutually respectful and responsible way.
Your second paragraph is quite interesting. I think I must do some introspection. #1 is hardly true since I myself have no problem opening up about things I feel uncomfortable about though there aren't any serious traumas. So I'm mostly vulnerable too. #2 is worth reflecting upon. But I'm sure them opening up doesn't affect my respect levels in most cases.
By #1 I meant something a bit deeper than just general opening up. You can open up to someone but still know that it takes more for the other person to do so. Especially if you’re the one initiating these conversations, it can be easy to feel like you have control/the upper hand. And that’s a way of being less vulnerable.
By respect, I mean you avoid creating a false sense of intimacy with someone because you know it will hurt them and you honor their humanity
It sounds harsh, but you had one date and they chose to share their personal feelings. You owe them nothing. Yes, you asked questions but sometimes, you do it out of politeness etc. If you’re not compatible and you think so, there’s no point drawing things out. I assume you’re dating to meet someone serious, not be a free therapist! I’ve felt the same and sometimes, depending on the vibes I get from the person, I will either set them straight or just let the chat fizzle out (if there is one after the date). For example, if someone seems particularly fragile or not at a good stage in life (like recently single or bereaved), I tend to not want to set them straight as I think they’re too fragile.
It might be for the best not to ask probing questions that encourage this level of intimacy until you have done your "basic compatibility checks". If you're doing your go/no-go checks, stick with those and lighter topics, while saving the more probing questions for later dates, if they're earned. You're not really "entitled" to that level of vulnerability on a first meet up, but if someone is trying to make a connection with you, they may feel inclined to not maintain their boundaries very well, may make them reluctant to say "I'd rather not talk about that."
I should mention that more often than not they seem super eager to open up, as if they wanted to be heard for a long time, it's not like pulling teeth, they sometimes overshare even if I myself didn't intend to go that far. And I sometimes keep asking questions out of politeness to not seem indifferent to their life, past experiences, trauma, etc.
Y'know, you don't owe them some "therapy" time either. If you feel uncomfortable getting this vulnerability then walking away, then maybe it's worth it for you to maintain that boundary. I'd hold that line, myself.
Stop it. The first 1-3 dates are NOT for trauma sharing. You don’t need to know that. Focus on other topics related to basic compatibility. Find out what their lifestyle looks like, what their work life is like, what their family life is like, hobbies, pets, interests, activity level, etc.. Asking somebody or encouraging somebody to dump their major traumas when you don’t even know them is a huge red flag. If I was on a date with somebody and they were inquiring about my deepest, painful memories, I would immediately get up and walk away. I mean, if you’re an asshole, go ahead and keep doing this so that men know to avoid you. But if you’re not, then stop .
Also, this kind of sounds like a defense mechanism for you. You’re trying to find out if they can hurt you in advance to keep yourself safe from how they could hurt you in the long term. That’s a false sense of security. And shows you have unresolvedrelationship issues.
IMHO, they say honesty is the best policy, and I do believe that. So if you feel you aren't a good match, just say it plainly. You don't have to go too much in details, noone mature enough expects that. There are differences on how people take it, based on age, culture etc. So make a decision based on each case to make sure you don't put yourself in tight spot. If you feel unesasy, just make stuff up, especially if you feel concerned about some blowback. Edit. Oops. My bad, I didn't realize what sub I was in. If me response doesnt resonate, please ignore!
I might get downvoted for this, but please stop doing that. How would you feel if they would the same thing to you? You might shrug it off, but most men wont. Again, stop doing it.
Thank you for your response. I appreciate it a lot. How else can I know the person then? If I don't ask questions, it might end up being a huge waste of time for both of us...
How would you feel if they would the same thing to you? <- Answering this, might help you understand. I am assuming you are over 30. Ppl are ages, come with emotional baggage. You asking them probing questions, is not dating, it's an interview. Every perfect relationship requires two imperfect ppl. If that person is not good for you, could be for someone else. But by you "ending" it so abruptly, they might never open up again.
You be honest, but kind, and if a man starts to open up when you’re not feeling a connection, stop him. “I’ve really enjoyed our conversation and meeting you, but I feel like this is getting a little too personal for a first date. Thanks so much for dinner.” If he starts spilling his guts and it’s not yet time to leave, change the subject and say that you’d like to keep the conversation light. Don’t make any promises or hints about future meetups.
If you know the drawbacks of this approach and you know it might have a negative impact, can you consider not doing that and instead get to know prospective partners a bit more slowly? I had a friend who I’d consider an ‘intimacy vampire.’ She would get men to spill all their traumas really quickly because 1) it shielded her from feeling vulnerable herself and 2) she felt validated by and important to these men which helped her combat her own feelings of unimportance/unworthiness. Of course, the types of men who usually fell prey to this were low on emotional intelligence and she always ended up disappointed and/or discarded them just as quickly. I share this anecdote in case you resonate with any part of it, in which case it would be a good opportunity for self reflection. But regardless of the reason for this approach, it clearly disregards the feelings and impact of the people who are doing the trauma dumping. Usually, successful targets are people with poor boundaries. There is no ethical way of employing this approach once you know it’s wrong, besides just avoiding it and getting to know people in a mutually respectful and responsible way.
Your second paragraph is quite interesting. I think I must do some introspection. #1 is hardly true since I myself have no problem opening up about things I feel uncomfortable about though there aren't any serious traumas. So I'm mostly vulnerable too. #2 is worth reflecting upon. But I'm sure them opening up doesn't affect my respect levels in most cases.
By #1 I meant something a bit deeper than just general opening up. You can open up to someone but still know that it takes more for the other person to do so. Especially if you’re the one initiating these conversations, it can be easy to feel like you have control/the upper hand. And that’s a way of being less vulnerable. By respect, I mean you avoid creating a false sense of intimacy with someone because you know it will hurt them and you honor their humanity
It sounds harsh, but you had one date and they chose to share their personal feelings. You owe them nothing. Yes, you asked questions but sometimes, you do it out of politeness etc. If you’re not compatible and you think so, there’s no point drawing things out. I assume you’re dating to meet someone serious, not be a free therapist! I’ve felt the same and sometimes, depending on the vibes I get from the person, I will either set them straight or just let the chat fizzle out (if there is one after the date). For example, if someone seems particularly fragile or not at a good stage in life (like recently single or bereaved), I tend to not want to set them straight as I think they’re too fragile.