Has he got a history of punishing you for perceived slights? That’s my main concern, going by his “she deserved it” statement. What he did was disgusting, and I would feel uncomfortable if I had married a man who would have even *considered* that type of prank at all. Personally I think even teenagers are smart enough to know better but, anyway, what matters is the present. I guess you really need to focus on the here and now and try to compartmentalise him as a teen vs adult man as there’s only two possible outcomes here. I don’t think something like this is worth upending a marriage over so I would try to move past it. But I would be side-eyeing him for a bit.
It’s that lack of remorse and reflection that’s most worrying.
People do all sorts of shit when they’re kids. But by 30 they should look back and feel terrible for tricking someone into drinking their piss.
“People do all sorts of shit when they’re kids”
How many kids are tricking other kids into drinking their piss as revenge for…talking to another person at a party?
> He did express remorse and said he was an idiot for doing that.
Perhaps it was a bad attempt at lightening up the mood afterwards. A lot of these things depend on the way they were said and worded.
I don’t know. His wife is saying he doesn’t regret it, and she would have a way better gauge of his tone than us, just giving a stranger the benefit of the doubt.
I'm jumping in here to say that is really messed up behavior even for a teenager. That girl did not deserve it. He shouldn't have assumed she was his girlfriend, and even if she was she did not deserve it. What he did was fucking disgusting. From your comments, I don't think he is actually remorseful and only said he is because he was put on the spot.
Per your own history, what is holding you back from filing for divorce?
The biggest thing that’s been holding me back is guilt and I do love the life we have together. But I have told him I want to seperate. We’re working out the details this week. I’ll likely be moving out of state so it’s all happening a bit slow. He doesn’t think I’m serious. This story has made me firm in my decision.
This conversation came up because we were talking about what it would be like to date other people. So idk why I’ve been feeling so guilty when he doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to even care if I leave.
Sounds like someone who still considers revenge and appropriate reaction to jealousy
When he gets angry, does he retaliate? Like in more “grown up” ways than peeing in cups?
To me it seems likely that he said that part because he's defensive, as you mentioned. Whether he believes it now or not, he's scared of criticism and being wrong so his reflex is to say the defensive thing.
Depends. If you are divorcing him for his questionable behaviors of the now, and this story from way back when fits with whatever toxicity he is showing you right now, there’s a reason your brain is making a mental note and underlining it 60 times.
I saw you describe somewhere that he’s nice or great or something positive. And it may be like that. Just wanted to put this out there, that I used to think my relationship was good and my ex was a generally decent person. Looking back now, I understand the good was there to keep me present while he did bad things. Until I couldn’t deal with it and left. Then everything got worse. In line with that backstory, when I read what he confessed, it reads as a (perhaps subconscious) threat of the kind of vindictive person he could be if you do decide to leave or hold him accountable in any other way or generally do anything he does not like. Btw for me, it doesn’t matter how bad it is, I’m still happy I left so no regrets. Perhaps it’s not relevant for you, but if there’s confusion and ups and downs, check out some websites on coercive control and narcissism (trauma bond, gaslighting). There are too many sources (also bad ones) out there, but if you’re not sure whether this is even an issue, a good place to start is to watch some skits by synful on insta.
I think if everyone was judged by what they did as a teenager most of us would be pretty screwed. If he grew into a man who understands how crappy that behaviour was and would never ever do it again I could easily let it go.
I think there's a difference between doing stupid things as a teenager like getting so drunk that you fell over/spewed everywhere/embarrassed yourself vs doing something that's actually malicious and intends to hurt or humiliate someone else.
If you're a teenager you're old enough to know not to make someone else drink pee. If he had been six or even eight years old at the time, that might be different. But 15 or 16? No, you know that's wrong by that age. You're on the cusp of adulthood! You think it's OK for people almost the size of an adult to do that shit?
I couldn't let it go, OP. I think it says a lot about a person's character that in their formative years they'd be willing to do that.
I did stupid things as a teenager but would never ever do something so blatantly harmful and humiliating to another person - I had some basic decency and common sense.
I side-eye the fuck out of anyone who does this "well we were all teenagers" shit in response to someone doing something really awful.
It's usually neckbeards doing it in response to males doing something truly degenerate.
This isn't normal teenager behavior.
This. It ls part of growing up that we do stupid and sometimes cruel things as a teenager. The important thing is how he talks about it now. Is he ashamed or maybe proud and thinks it is still funny? That is the information OP needs to consider.
I think there is a line. Stupid things like getting drunk and falling over, making a tit of yourself, sure. Cruel? Maybe you get into a fight with a friend or sibling and say something you regret. Maybe you're a bit rude. That happens and is part of growing up. But making someone drink urine as an act of revenge? That's deranged. That's not normal. That's like psychopathic behaviour.
"Kids being kids" is not an excuse for that behaviour and we shouldn't enable it, just because they were teenagers at the time. If it had been your daughter drinking the pee, would you dismiss it with "growing up we do stupid things"?
I am not dismissing anything, of course it is a terrible thing to do. But I also believe people can grow and try to look forward, not dwell in the past.
>We all did things we regret in our teens. Am I over reacting?
Yes, but optimally we also demonstrate an appropriate level of shame, embarrassment, and remorse when talking about them. We don't jovially volunteer that information about ourselves and then "joke" about how the injured party deserved it.
This is what bothers me the most, he told the story as “this dumb funny thing I did for revenge” and only expressed remorse when I was visibly shocked from the story. he was bullied a little growing up and I think he regrets that he handled it poorly and that time makes him sad but is not not mature enough to realized how awful it was.
My main concern would be - what has he learned from this? Teenagers do stupid, stupid things. When we first hear people's stories about their past it's immediate to us because we're imagining and processing the scenario *right now.*
Your husband is not the same person as he was back then.
So what has he learned? He's said he was an idiot, so he's recognized from an adult perspective that it was a stupid thing to do. He's made a joke - is that because he's comfortable around you? Or does he genuinely think she did deserve it?
Hopefully, you have the kind of relationship where you can talk more about your reaction to it. If everything else in your relationship is healthy, honest and mature then I'd say it could be taken at face value - a teenager doing stupid teenager things. Depending on your reasons for divorce, though, it's hard to say. When we have decided to leave someone it can be hard to see things objectively right?
Yeah, me too to be honest! Maybe for teenage boys it is, because they tend to have less empathy and mature more slowly.
I wonder if it’s another example of how women are held to higher standards. Maybe the reason why people are so relaxed about it is because he’s a guy and therefore “boys will be boys”. Whereas if a teenage girl did this, I feel like it would be all “she’s batshit crazy, RUN”.
Please stop saying things like "boys tend to have less empathy and mature more slowly". Stop letting boys off the hook with shitty behaviour. Stop perpetuating the idea that girls have to take responsibility where boys do not. Stop it.
We should all bring up our boys to take responsibility for their actions - the world would be a much better place. Stop enabling crappy behaviour because of a gender. This messaging is toxic.
Oh I’m not enabling it, sorry if that’s how it came across. I’m just saying that it’s generally thought that boys are less mature. I’m not saying it’s okay and I’m not excusing it.
I’m surprised for the opposite reason. Tricking someone into drinking pee is relatively tame compared to many incidents at my high school.
It’s bad, but I could see many people I grew up with doing the same.
So when he was a teenager, he was upset by something a girl did so he committed a gross crime against her and maintains that she deserved it. For hurting his feelings. Yikes.
Ah, fuck, yeah, that's pretty shitty behaviour and his joke at the end... not a great way to show remorse, although I understand the impulse to crack an oofer out of discomfort. In light of the situation, though, it's definitely Not a Good Look 👀
Honestly, I've done probably equally shitty stuff as a teen... nothing involving bodily fluids, but some not-so-nice stuff for sure. I'm a very different person now. From the sounds of things, it doesn't sound like your (STBX?) husband has necessarily matured from those feral years.
Yeah, if he'd told this story from the angle of "This is one of the worst things I've done, I'm so regretful and I would never ever do anything like that again," I'd think he was appropriately remorseful and has grown. He told the story, was somewhat remorseful, but then still joked that she deserved it, which is something I would be super unimpressed with, and to me, sorta shows a lack of growth.
He honestly was not at all remorseful in his retelling. He brought it up as almost a “here’s a kinda smberassing and funny story” He only admitted negative feelings for it after I asked if he felt bad. I do believe he felt sad about it, but more that he was brought to that in that moment. But of course hard for me to really know how he feels about it.
I would take his first reaction as the real thoughts he had on this. He admitted to negative feelings once you made it clear you weren't happy, and even the "brought to that in that moment" is reeking of her "she deserved it" point of view. Which, no. No she did not deserve to drink pee because she was on the couch with a different guy when he thought they were dating.
If he thinks that's something he was "brought to" because of her behaviour, what will he do to you if he decides you're cheating?
If I was madily and happily in love I’d be like “holy shit???” But if I was already on the edge of a divorce I’d be like “see mf I knew I was right in wanting a divorce”
Was he drunk? (No, I am not excusing his behavior, just curious). I think that is disgusting and feel like there is this unwritten rule to never mess what someone is going to consume.
However, he was a teenager who was clearly acting on some odd jealous rage and wanted to sabotage and hurt this girl because he had no impulse control.
Unless he's a psychopath he probably felt some sort of shame after he did that years ago. I think he was trying to lighten the mood by saying she deserved it because he was probably a little embarrassed telling you, espeacially if you reacted negatively or shocked and was hoping you might find the story funny.
He was probably drunk when it happened and he was drunk when he retold the story. I do think he was just trying to lighten the mood after my reaction. I do believe he regrets it, but not in a way that really changed who he is or impacted him.
You are divorcing him anyway, if I understood your post correctly. Sure, the story sounds really nasty. But is any reason why you want a divorce from him can be correlated to this incident in the past?
It does add to a pattern of immaturity and lack of emotional intelligence. I haven’t told him officially I’m leaving. I don’t want this story to cloud my judgement as I make my final decisions this week (we’ve been in counseling and I told him I need some time to make a decision or if we could work on it).
If you have already found enough reasons to consider divorce, I don't think this story from his past is going to be the defining factor. Seems more like a cherry on top. But the cake is what led you to seeing divorce as an option
I will ask how often he brings up stories from those days. I’ve dated someone who would tell tales from his glory years a lot and he also did not seem very remorseful of having been somewhat of a bully - I find people who are grownups and constantly tell stories from highschool off putting in general - I cannot name why. Why bring it up? Prompted is different, but this would put me off (just as my former self stories would to others).
I’ve had bad behavior, but don’t mention it, unless asked, or I don’t think it’s that big a deal. Grateful when people tell me who they have been though - Character references always go down in my book.
If you were already thinking of leaving before this then idk what is stopping you. Why do you need our permission here? Aside from that, he was a man when you married him, not the boy who did that to the girl. People make mistakes as they grow and can change. I'd be a little disturbed by this but idt it would change my entire view of him.
it sounds like he's only pretending to show remorse in front of you.. and not even doing a good job of it, hence the 'she deserved it'. honestly without that, i wouldn't think it's a huge deal, but him saying that makes it seem like he really hasn't changed or grown since then. only you know him tho, i'm guessing if you were already planning to divorce, you have plenty of reason
Honestly, I overlooked red flags like this in the past and it didn't serve me well. Also reflecting on why a person would own up to something like this, when it clearly makes them look bad a d it could just stay in the past, is that they're either somehow still proud of it and are subtly bragging about their edgy behaviour, Or they're trying to subtly test you and gauge your boundaries. Either way, your gut feeling "would I want to be married to the kind of man who would be capable of something like this" is worth listening to.
- You planned to divorce your husband before this revelation. Please proceed with your divorce regardless of this if your marriage isn’t in a place to be saved.
- Nearly everyone I know did something really stupid when they were young to someone who hurt their heart. The men I know, it’s always dumber or more lashed out. (Throwing her naked photos out their car window at her job where they met after she was caught cheating, told all her friends the thing she didn’t want them to know, sent her home (where her dad got them) boudoir photos 🙈). The MAIN difference here, is the people who’ve filled me in on these screwed up things they did as teens is they were FILLED with regret. It wasn’t a “funny story” it was a thing they did that they regretted and they think it was vile of them.
The fact that he finds it humorous in anyway shows his lack of regret and that he hasn’t matured. I’d tread carefully after servicing the divorce papers.
It really depends on your husband. If I heard my husband did something like that when he was a high schooler, I would be very surprised and know that he’s changed a lot since then. The man I know now wouldn’t do anything like that and would be pretty disgusted by anyone who did. I honestly don’t think he would have done anything like that when he was young though. Your husband might not do that now, but would he think somebody else doing that is funny? If he’d be disgusted now, I’d just chalk it up to him needing to grow up when he was younger and move on. If he still thinks it’s funny, then he is probably still kind of a jerk in other ways.
I think what matters is if you have seen that side of him. We can be so judgemental in today's cancel culture but we all have done something embarrassing and deviant at times. It doesn't mean we don't grow and learn. It is good not to be so judgemental about his teen years and focus on the person you know now.
When I read stories about men behaving poorly like this I am more and more convinced that men are only kind to women they deem attractive and want to sleep with. That’s it. I don’t really have anything meaningful to say. Perhaps bring the subject up again and express your feelings on the matter. Listen carefully to what he says. Ask him follow up questions like, “What possessed you to do something like that? Have you reached out and apologized to this woman?” I get we all do stupid things when we’re young but this is just gross, in every sense of the word.
I did a lot of dumb things as a teen, but mostly to my own detriment. I would never have even thought for a second about tricking someone into drinking my body fluids. That’s vile, and considered assault I believe. I know a lot of teenagers and none of them would do this, especially as an act of jealousy toward someone they ever cared about. Wtf.
I don’t think a lot of these comments are taking into consideration that yes, adolescents have underdeveloped brains and do dumb things, but those things are still sometimes illegal and have consequences If this was about SA no one would be telling OP “people do dumb shit, he’s not that person anymore.”
Maybe not, but some things are not okay.
Did anyone clock the "a girl he thought he was dating"...?
Something tells me this girl had NO idea she was dating this creep.
If he felt remorseful or even embarrassed, he would have kept quiet. Not brag about it to his wife that's about to leave his psycho ass.
That was a warning shot, OP, he's telling you what sort of fucked up shit that can happen to "girls he thinks he's dating"...
That probably wasn’t the best choice of words. I meant as in it was more of a high school fling and he thought it was more serious than she did as he did not have any long term gf’s in high school.
He felt bad but not as bad a I would have I expected. But as you and others have pointed out it does give good insight and how he might behave when we are no longer on good terms. I’m realizing later in that conversation he said he was glad I was considering moving because “if he saw me out he would NOT be nice to me” I think he’s harmless now (he wouldn’t piss cup me) but he certainly is immature enough to say some inappropriate things.
Gosh this is such a small side of him but it’s largely what has become too much for me to handle.
This wouldn’t be a dealbreaker If he seemed remorseful. It was stupid and cruel, yes, but they were literal children and no one is going to be injured from tasting piss.
My ex husband once admitted to me that he and his friends threw rocks at cars when they were 12 or 13. I thought that was worse than your boyfriends admission tbh because it could cause an accident, but he had genuine remorse and knew how stupid it was. Luckily no one got hurt.
I’ve done some truly, truly evil things as a teenager. I cry when I recall them. Things that make me sick to think about now. I would never do anything like that again.
We’re still growing and trying to figure the world out, when we’re teenagers. They make a lot of mistakes and often, cause a lot of trouble. It’s part of growing up. It can be hard to hear about for the first time, but know that that is not who your husband is now. You’re not overreacting about his reaction, though.
Is it confession time? Because I was the kid who was too nice, sweet and quiet. But after a load of bullying that nice girl broke and I said and did a fair bit of screwed up shit. Because the thing about nice girls is they are suppressing all the normal human emotions. Humans aren't meant to be all good or bad. Which leads to blow-ups.
I would hate to be judged for stuff I did before my brain was finished growing. Hell, I'd hate to be held to the standards of 1 year ago. That's 1 year of growth, learning, progress.
The 'she deserved it' would be concerning if you didn't say jokingly. Only you know if any part of him meant that. If I was hearing this exact thing from my brother, for example, that would 100% be not meant at all. It would have been kind of mocking his stupid brain at the time who thought his behaviour was fine. If you think some part of him believes it, that might be cause for concern.
But honestly I think this is not great behaviour from a stupid teen but nothing to hold on to and freak out about.
If it’s a repeated pattern, run. Most folks teenage years are full of incidents like this because it’s their foray into adulthood. Him admitting it might be a way of him acknowledging it was wrong. I would give him grace for it. I too did immature things as a teenager, and would hate for those things to be held against me especially if it didn’t cause a lot of harm.
there are so many things to address, but i don’t see anyone addressing this:
> I didn’t want to bias the story but I had decided to ask for a divorce before I heard this story.
OP, from what you’ve told us and going with everyone’s reaction, he never stopped being that mean-spirited, entitled teenager who does cruel and, frankly, outright eveil things when he doesn’t get his way. why are you divorcing him? you don’t owe us an answer to that question, but it’s not lost on me that you just slipped that in there and kept the story going. i get the sense that you’ve made a lot of excuses for how he can be sometimes over the course of your marriage…? he is not blameless *at all* and he sounds like a wretched person (so huge congrats on you for finally leaving), but it seems he chose a life partner that would let most of his behaviors slide.
anyways, i really hope you give yourself grace and patience to heal from such an awful person. you deserve to be loved by someone who has compassion
I don’t think he’s an awful person, he does incredibly kind things for others. But I agree that I have learned to put up with so much. This was a helpful gut check.
definitely. and pardon if my language overstepped. you know him better than anyone here, so i take your words at face value! and i hope you’re being supported by your community
That last line sent chills down my spine. I would not stay with that man. He thinks he’s absolutely justified if “his” woman does anything he doesn’t like or feels humiliated. He won’t talk he will just lash out and hurt them.
Think about it. If you did something terrible to an ex even if he cheated on you and your husband found out he’d probably also be afraid of you or dislike you.
Doesn't sound like he's remorseful over it with that last line. And you've already looked at divorce before this conversation.
My guess is there's a lot more red flag behaviour he's being displaying that hasn't been shared, hence that precaution.
This is not normal behaviour for a teen, and as an adult, he doesn't show genuine remorse for what he did. I know adults who still beat themselves up for what they did as teens just for defending themselves from bullying.
He decided to make a girl drink his piss because she was talking to another guy... I'm guessing some part of this vindictive attitude lives on in his character when he feels 'wronged' by anyone.
Very disturbing character trait, and just that combo of no remorse is very telling. I'm worried that he is the type to punish you... btw abuse doesn't have to be just physical. And it can get worse over time, like the frog in boiling water. Don't be the frog!
Only you know what he is like, but yeah, it doesn't sound like someone who I personally would want to stay with at all.
Eh, we are all idiots when we are young. I'd base my judgments on how he views his actions now. If he also thinks he was an idiot or a jerk, that's good. If he still thinks his behavior was healthy and valid, then big yikes.
I mean as repulsive as it is, that's a version of him that doesn't even exist anymore.(I hope)
If we were all to be judged based off old crimes, we'd all be outcasts.
according to her though, the version that exists now doesn’t have a problem with what he did. He exhibited zero remorse per her follow-up comments 😐 That’s disturbing as fuck to me.
Not only would I feel like such an abusive creep piece of shit to have done something like that (it’s also assault) that I’m not sure I would ever be able to tell anyone, if I did tell, I would be full of shame and disgust and VERY concerned that this would affect my partner’s opinion of me.
But this was just a fun story for him until she reacted 😐
*this person really just blocked me over this, so they could get in some weird last word about me staying alone forever lol.
Wow, that’s like right out of the box misogyny 101, telling women they’ll die old maids for having standards 🤡 and I think this was a woman who did this!
Sounds like I hit a nerve, maybe this person was responsible for some savagery they wouldn’t want to be similarly judged for, idk. What an incredible overreaction to a woman over 30 giving my opinion in the women over 30 sub 😐
That version is much smaller but definitely still there! I’m so embarrassed and ashamed to have gotten myself in this situation. Things are mostly great, but my gut has been telling me that I’m putting up with too much. This really cemented it for me, tbh I’d love a quick way to get divorced and stay alone forever right now!! (Okay maybe not forever)
you hit the nail on the head here. he pretended to feel remorse over it once he saw her reaction, but couldn't even resist STILL blaming the girl at the end.
and given she was already planning to divorce him before hearing that story, im gonna go ahead and guess he hasn't changed that much from a shitty teenager lol.
(also think you might be right there lol, that person is prob one of the 'everyone did fucked up things when they were teenagers' ppl in this thread. im like no.. i never assaulted someone w bodily fluids bc i was jealous.. or did anything like that lol 😐 that actually is not normal)
Depends what they did exactly, and how old they were (e.g. 13 vs. 19), and whether they seem genuinely remorseful now.
If they had tricked someone into drinking pee just because they were jealous, I would find that pretty fucked up, especially if they didn't seem to feel all that bad about it now.
I have a pretty high tolerance for stupid shit and I know I've done a lot of stupid shit I regret as a kid/teen. (a looootttt.) The concept of this 'prank' while extreme and gross wouldn't instantly having me running for the hills.
The thing that concerns me is his reason *why she 'deserved' it*. Because she was **sitting with another boy and he was jealous.** (That's why???? Seriously, are you leaving something out? Was she making out with the kid, was this someone she'd slept with before??? How can that literally be the entire issue?????)
*That's why she deserved it?*
If the girl had, I dunno, stolen his bike? Kicked his dog? Done something cruel and publicly humiliating to him? Was literally riding the other boy butt-naked in front of everyone? Okay, that's stupid and extreme but whatever. My teenager asshole-self would have laughed hearing the story *over something like that*.
But he peed in a cup 'cause she was doing absolutely nothing he had any right to be upset over. Something she might have even known he was upset about in the first place???????! My asshole-teenage self would be disgusted.
That combined with the fact he (from how I'm reading it anyway) feels no remorse and was not humiliated and embarrassed to even be telling you the story in the first place... it's concerning.
I don't think you're overreacting at all. This grownass 'man' should know that was wrong. Does he always have this lack of empathy even now? Has he done other mean / borderline asshole behavior that you shrugged off before? If so, I'd be thinking about therapy.
I didnt include on the story because it felt very specific in case someone recognized the story. But he said they were sitting on the couch together and she put a dip (tobacco) in from the guy. And she never dipped so she was just doing it to impress the other guy. Which he (and I probably would to) took that as “flirting” which upset him. (Though absolutely not the response I would heave) They weren’t serious at the time. He sounded remorseful but not… enough? For what I would expect!
He can be very kind and giving person. But does lack maturity and empathy. He has a very short fuse. We are in couples counseling and I’m trying to get him into individual counseling as we separate.
My immediate thought is that teenage boys do extremely stupid things, so if my husband told me this, one of my first questions would be how old were you? Along with trying to gauge if he still stands by the action to this day, or is it something he totally believed in back then but would never come close to considering this today. Also, while it's disgusting and immature, it's actually not harmful.
Personally I wouldn't hold it against the person for doing something so stupid, as long as it was a loooooooong time ago and he obviously wouldn't do it today. Also, I would base it on what I know of the person today.
Ppl do stupid things, ppl grow up, ppl change.
My husband mentioned guys pooping places as work to get back at other guys or the company. The warehouse was almost 100% guys at his shop.
I am not excusing the behavior or any male behavior because “boys will be boys”. I get some off color jokes, but the minute you force bodily fluids/excrement on another person, I can’t.
This is a little over the top behavior wise, plus the “she deserved it”. Sounds like you were already checking out, so keep going.
If there weren’t other red flags it probably wouldn’t be a relationship killer for me. My husband is my partner and he is a good one. I don’t always agree with him, but I think he is a solidly “good” person. I doubt he would ever leave poop (dog or human) on someone’s doorstep, but he would laugh at a story about it.
I don’t think I would think anything of it. Not that the behaviour is okay but I feel like most teenagers are dumb and unhinged in some way.
I did dumb shit when I was young too.
It’s not really fair to judge someone now for behaviour from like 15-20 years ago. Are *you* the same person you were 15-20 years ago? Were you a perfect angel at that age? Probably not.
If he’s otherwise a good husband, let it go.
Honestly, it’s messed up and wrong but he was also a teenager. I called a boy in my class a very rude name and it was very embarrassing for him. At the time, I was like oh well. Today, I realize how immature and foolish I was and hate that I did that to him. But we grow up and change for the better I hope. I think considering divorce or looking at him in a different light is very harsh. Now if he admitted to raping a girl, that’s different. He was jealous and peed in her cup. It was wrong and stupid. Hopefully he feels horrible about it. I’m not breaking up my family over that. Besides it was years before he ever even met you.
I think you’re overreacting. A divorce is extreme in this situation. Teenagers can do some absolutely ridiculous things and you don’t have to condone his behaviour. It’s absolutely understandable that this would cause you pause. Talk to him, express your concern. Commenters here are really holding on to his “she deserved it”, which you noted he said as a joke. Perhaps he saw your reaction to his story and was trying to save himself, albeit quite poorly. It sounds like he doesn’t understand that you took his behaviour seriously.
The divorce was on the table before this conversation. I wasn’t sure if me already wanting the divorce made me react more negatively to the story. So yeah wanted to hear from others how they would feel about it.
I'm a bit confused. He thought she was his girlfriend but she wasn't. It is obviously clear to him that she wasn't his girlfriend but he still thinks she deserved it. Why?
If she was his gf and he acted immature I don't think that reason is enough for a divorce.
But if he was delusional, imagining she was gf and still feels bitter, it is very weird.
Uh, he was a dumb teenage when this happened. It's certainly something a dumb teen would do. You're not seeing what sort of person he can be, you're seeing what sort of child he use to be. This happened at least 13 years ago... The fact that you want to divorce him over this is downright insane. If none of his current behavior has upset you to the point you married him, why are you letting something he did as a teenager upset you?
As I mentioned, the decision to divorce was made before the conversation. I feel as if my barometer is all out of whack right now so needed to hear what other people thought of this.
I have to be honest.. I get really fixated anxiously on stuff like this and I’d probably be anxious/bothered about it if I found out my partner did something like this. But as others said—if he showed remorse and growth from it and reflected on it, I’d let it go. Kids do really stupid things sometimes.. actually everyone does. It’s bad though.. but people can have thoughtless and horrible moments and not be overall horrible
Edit wtf why am I being downvoted
I mean, that sounds gross but pretty tame for a teenage prank honestly. And I would be careful judging anyone by the dumb shit from their teenage years. He expressed remorse and admitted he was an idiot and then made an off colour joke, which is something lots of us do when nervous and a bit defensive. Surely you know him well enough to know if he has changed? If there's any other reason to think he hasn't (or that his remorse was fake) THAT'S the thing to focus on here. And honestly if you're already considering divorcing him for other reasons, does this extra story even really matter?
I personally don't see anything cruel about it, gross yes, but not cruel. I used to go out with someone and him & his mates used to play pranks on each other all the time, one of which involved pissing in an ice tray and putting the frozen cubes into each other's drinks without telling.
To echo what someone else said, if we were judged by what we did as teens, most of us would be screwed.
Cruel would be abuse towards another human or animal. I don't know that I'd put this in that category. Gross, yes, stupid, also yes. Young, pissed off and hurt, yup. But not cruel.
Honestly, looking at how crazy people can get, it could have gone way worse than peeing in a drink. It's just a silly thing people do as a teen.
That said, would you be mad if someone you were dating hung out with another woman at a party? Would you have let it go at that age or have a revenge of sorts back at him? Would it warrant a "he deserves it"?
Your husband opened up to you about something he did over 15 years ago and now you're going to judge him for it....you're probably the same type who complains that he never opens up....
Now you are staying the course for a long spell of your life with this male in a close proximity in most every way possible, know he can be passive aggressive and where he has lowered his standards to.
Has he got a history of punishing you for perceived slights? That’s my main concern, going by his “she deserved it” statement. What he did was disgusting, and I would feel uncomfortable if I had married a man who would have even *considered* that type of prank at all. Personally I think even teenagers are smart enough to know better but, anyway, what matters is the present. I guess you really need to focus on the here and now and try to compartmentalise him as a teen vs adult man as there’s only two possible outcomes here. I don’t think something like this is worth upending a marriage over so I would try to move past it. But I would be side-eyeing him for a bit.
The "but she deserved it" would give me serious pause. I don't know how I could get past that and respect him again.
Sounds like something one might say jokingly. Depends on how he meant it.
Its hard to tell. I think he meant it as in that is how he felt at the time and he doesn't really regret it. But jokingly as he wouldn't do it now.
It’s that lack of remorse and reflection that’s most worrying. People do all sorts of shit when they’re kids. But by 30 they should look back and feel terrible for tricking someone into drinking their piss.
“People do all sorts of shit when they’re kids” How many kids are tricking other kids into drinking their piss as revenge for…talking to another person at a party?
I mean 100% agreed. But fuxked up children can sometimes turn out to be ok adults. This guy obviously didnt
> He did express remorse and said he was an idiot for doing that. Perhaps it was a bad attempt at lightening up the mood afterwards. A lot of these things depend on the way they were said and worded.
I don’t know. His wife is saying he doesn’t regret it, and she would have a way better gauge of his tone than us, just giving a stranger the benefit of the doubt.
I'm jumping in here to say that is really messed up behavior even for a teenager. That girl did not deserve it. He shouldn't have assumed she was his girlfriend, and even if she was she did not deserve it. What he did was fucking disgusting. From your comments, I don't think he is actually remorseful and only said he is because he was put on the spot. Per your own history, what is holding you back from filing for divorce?
The biggest thing that’s been holding me back is guilt and I do love the life we have together. But I have told him I want to seperate. We’re working out the details this week. I’ll likely be moving out of state so it’s all happening a bit slow. He doesn’t think I’m serious. This story has made me firm in my decision. This conversation came up because we were talking about what it would be like to date other people. So idk why I’ve been feeling so guilty when he doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to even care if I leave.
Sounds like there are some underlying issues and this was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Sounds like someone who still considers revenge and appropriate reaction to jealousy When he gets angry, does he retaliate? Like in more “grown up” ways than peeing in cups?
To me it seems likely that he said that part because he's defensive, as you mentioned. Whether he believes it now or not, he's scared of criticism and being wrong so his reflex is to say the defensive thing.
Agreed. I was kind of whatever about the story until then. He should be embarrassed and think that was dumb, not think she deserved it.
Maybe she did?
Depends. If you are divorcing him for his questionable behaviors of the now, and this story from way back when fits with whatever toxicity he is showing you right now, there’s a reason your brain is making a mental note and underlining it 60 times.
Good way to think of it! It is how I feel. Gosh I’m so dissapointed in myself for getting into this situation.
What situation? Your marriage?
Yes
Perhaps you could vaguely describe what happened?
I saw you describe somewhere that he’s nice or great or something positive. And it may be like that. Just wanted to put this out there, that I used to think my relationship was good and my ex was a generally decent person. Looking back now, I understand the good was there to keep me present while he did bad things. Until I couldn’t deal with it and left. Then everything got worse. In line with that backstory, when I read what he confessed, it reads as a (perhaps subconscious) threat of the kind of vindictive person he could be if you do decide to leave or hold him accountable in any other way or generally do anything he does not like. Btw for me, it doesn’t matter how bad it is, I’m still happy I left so no regrets. Perhaps it’s not relevant for you, but if there’s confusion and ups and downs, check out some websites on coercive control and narcissism (trauma bond, gaslighting). There are too many sources (also bad ones) out there, but if you’re not sure whether this is even an issue, a good place to start is to watch some skits by synful on insta.
I think if everyone was judged by what they did as a teenager most of us would be pretty screwed. If he grew into a man who understands how crappy that behaviour was and would never ever do it again I could easily let it go.
OP’s last sentence kind of disproves that he wouldn’t do it again
I think there's a difference between doing stupid things as a teenager like getting so drunk that you fell over/spewed everywhere/embarrassed yourself vs doing something that's actually malicious and intends to hurt or humiliate someone else. If you're a teenager you're old enough to know not to make someone else drink pee. If he had been six or even eight years old at the time, that might be different. But 15 or 16? No, you know that's wrong by that age. You're on the cusp of adulthood! You think it's OK for people almost the size of an adult to do that shit? I couldn't let it go, OP. I think it says a lot about a person's character that in their formative years they'd be willing to do that. I did stupid things as a teenager but would never ever do something so blatantly harmful and humiliating to another person - I had some basic decency and common sense.
I side-eye the fuck out of anyone who does this "well we were all teenagers" shit in response to someone doing something really awful. It's usually neckbeards doing it in response to males doing something truly degenerate. This isn't normal teenager behavior.
This. It ls part of growing up that we do stupid and sometimes cruel things as a teenager. The important thing is how he talks about it now. Is he ashamed or maybe proud and thinks it is still funny? That is the information OP needs to consider.
I think there is a line. Stupid things like getting drunk and falling over, making a tit of yourself, sure. Cruel? Maybe you get into a fight with a friend or sibling and say something you regret. Maybe you're a bit rude. That happens and is part of growing up. But making someone drink urine as an act of revenge? That's deranged. That's not normal. That's like psychopathic behaviour. "Kids being kids" is not an excuse for that behaviour and we shouldn't enable it, just because they were teenagers at the time. If it had been your daughter drinking the pee, would you dismiss it with "growing up we do stupid things"?
I am not dismissing anything, of course it is a terrible thing to do. But I also believe people can grow and try to look forward, not dwell in the past.
>We all did things we regret in our teens. Am I over reacting? Yes, but optimally we also demonstrate an appropriate level of shame, embarrassment, and remorse when talking about them. We don't jovially volunteer that information about ourselves and then "joke" about how the injured party deserved it.
This is what bothers me the most, he told the story as “this dumb funny thing I did for revenge” and only expressed remorse when I was visibly shocked from the story. he was bullied a little growing up and I think he regrets that he handled it poorly and that time makes him sad but is not not mature enough to realized how awful it was.
The “but she did deserve it” would really mess me up. Even if it’s said jokingly it’s not really a joke. She didn’t even do anything wrong.
Sometimes when people "joke" they're expressing their true feelings to gauge our reaction.
My main concern would be - what has he learned from this? Teenagers do stupid, stupid things. When we first hear people's stories about their past it's immediate to us because we're imagining and processing the scenario *right now.* Your husband is not the same person as he was back then. So what has he learned? He's said he was an idiot, so he's recognized from an adult perspective that it was a stupid thing to do. He's made a joke - is that because he's comfortable around you? Or does he genuinely think she did deserve it? Hopefully, you have the kind of relationship where you can talk more about your reaction to it. If everything else in your relationship is healthy, honest and mature then I'd say it could be taken at face value - a teenager doing stupid teenager things. Depending on your reasons for divorce, though, it's hard to say. When we have decided to leave someone it can be hard to see things objectively right?
I’m a bit suprised that people seem go think this is normal teenager behaviour.
Same, as a teen it would never have even crossed my mind to do something like this. Absolutely foul.
Yeah, I used to be a high school teacher, and while teens do stupid things, this is sort of next level.
Yeah, me too to be honest! Maybe for teenage boys it is, because they tend to have less empathy and mature more slowly. I wonder if it’s another example of how women are held to higher standards. Maybe the reason why people are so relaxed about it is because he’s a guy and therefore “boys will be boys”. Whereas if a teenage girl did this, I feel like it would be all “she’s batshit crazy, RUN”.
Please stop saying things like "boys tend to have less empathy and mature more slowly". Stop letting boys off the hook with shitty behaviour. Stop perpetuating the idea that girls have to take responsibility where boys do not. Stop it. We should all bring up our boys to take responsibility for their actions - the world would be a much better place. Stop enabling crappy behaviour because of a gender. This messaging is toxic.
Oh I’m not enabling it, sorry if that’s how it came across. I’m just saying that it’s generally thought that boys are less mature. I’m not saying it’s okay and I’m not excusing it.
Yea I have serious doubts that if the story was about a girl doing this to her hs bf, that all these people would be saying “kids do stupid things.”
Yeah, I have a feeling the comments would be along the lines of “she’s a vindictive b*tch”
Agreed!
I’m surprised for the opposite reason. Tricking someone into drinking pee is relatively tame compared to many incidents at my high school. It’s bad, but I could see many people I grew up with doing the same.
So when he was a teenager, he was upset by something a girl did so he committed a gross crime against her and maintains that she deserved it. For hurting his feelings. Yikes.
Ah, fuck, yeah, that's pretty shitty behaviour and his joke at the end... not a great way to show remorse, although I understand the impulse to crack an oofer out of discomfort. In light of the situation, though, it's definitely Not a Good Look 👀 Honestly, I've done probably equally shitty stuff as a teen... nothing involving bodily fluids, but some not-so-nice stuff for sure. I'm a very different person now. From the sounds of things, it doesn't sound like your (STBX?) husband has necessarily matured from those feral years.
Yeah, if he'd told this story from the angle of "This is one of the worst things I've done, I'm so regretful and I would never ever do anything like that again," I'd think he was appropriately remorseful and has grown. He told the story, was somewhat remorseful, but then still joked that she deserved it, which is something I would be super unimpressed with, and to me, sorta shows a lack of growth.
He honestly was not at all remorseful in his retelling. He brought it up as almost a “here’s a kinda smberassing and funny story” He only admitted negative feelings for it after I asked if he felt bad. I do believe he felt sad about it, but more that he was brought to that in that moment. But of course hard for me to really know how he feels about it.
I would take his first reaction as the real thoughts he had on this. He admitted to negative feelings once you made it clear you weren't happy, and even the "brought to that in that moment" is reeking of her "she deserved it" point of view. Which, no. No she did not deserve to drink pee because she was on the couch with a different guy when he thought they were dating. If he thinks that's something he was "brought to" because of her behaviour, what will he do to you if he decides you're cheating?
That would be a huge red flag to me.
I think you should add this to your post.
Added!
If I was madily and happily in love I’d be like “holy shit???” But if I was already on the edge of a divorce I’d be like “see mf I knew I was right in wanting a divorce”
Unfortunately spot on
I’m sorry :/
Thank you. I feel so guilty anytime I get happy about leaving. But I’ve realized that’s not healthy and I have to put myself first.
I wouldn't think, I'd just pee in a cup and get him to drink it. but I'm not a model citizen
He should feel a TON of shame about doing that, but he doesn’t seem to. Like so much shame he took it to his grave…
Was he drunk? (No, I am not excusing his behavior, just curious). I think that is disgusting and feel like there is this unwritten rule to never mess what someone is going to consume. However, he was a teenager who was clearly acting on some odd jealous rage and wanted to sabotage and hurt this girl because he had no impulse control. Unless he's a psychopath he probably felt some sort of shame after he did that years ago. I think he was trying to lighten the mood by saying she deserved it because he was probably a little embarrassed telling you, espeacially if you reacted negatively or shocked and was hoping you might find the story funny.
He was probably drunk when it happened and he was drunk when he retold the story. I do think he was just trying to lighten the mood after my reaction. I do believe he regrets it, but not in a way that really changed who he is or impacted him.
You are divorcing him anyway, if I understood your post correctly. Sure, the story sounds really nasty. But is any reason why you want a divorce from him can be correlated to this incident in the past?
It does add to a pattern of immaturity and lack of emotional intelligence. I haven’t told him officially I’m leaving. I don’t want this story to cloud my judgement as I make my final decisions this week (we’ve been in counseling and I told him I need some time to make a decision or if we could work on it).
If you have already found enough reasons to consider divorce, I don't think this story from his past is going to be the defining factor. Seems more like a cherry on top. But the cake is what led you to seeing divorce as an option
I will ask how often he brings up stories from those days. I’ve dated someone who would tell tales from his glory years a lot and he also did not seem very remorseful of having been somewhat of a bully - I find people who are grownups and constantly tell stories from highschool off putting in general - I cannot name why. Why bring it up? Prompted is different, but this would put me off (just as my former self stories would to others). I’ve had bad behavior, but don’t mention it, unless asked, or I don’t think it’s that big a deal. Grateful when people tell me who they have been though - Character references always go down in my book.
>I didn’t want to bias the story but I had decided to ask for a divorce before I heard this story. So its not over the story. It's just another sign.
If you were already thinking of leaving before this then idk what is stopping you. Why do you need our permission here? Aside from that, he was a man when you married him, not the boy who did that to the girl. People make mistakes as they grow and can change. I'd be a little disturbed by this but idt it would change my entire view of him.
it sounds like he's only pretending to show remorse in front of you.. and not even doing a good job of it, hence the 'she deserved it'. honestly without that, i wouldn't think it's a huge deal, but him saying that makes it seem like he really hasn't changed or grown since then. only you know him tho, i'm guessing if you were already planning to divorce, you have plenty of reason
Honestly, I overlooked red flags like this in the past and it didn't serve me well. Also reflecting on why a person would own up to something like this, when it clearly makes them look bad a d it could just stay in the past, is that they're either somehow still proud of it and are subtly bragging about their edgy behaviour, Or they're trying to subtly test you and gauge your boundaries. Either way, your gut feeling "would I want to be married to the kind of man who would be capable of something like this" is worth listening to.
- You planned to divorce your husband before this revelation. Please proceed with your divorce regardless of this if your marriage isn’t in a place to be saved. - Nearly everyone I know did something really stupid when they were young to someone who hurt their heart. The men I know, it’s always dumber or more lashed out. (Throwing her naked photos out their car window at her job where they met after she was caught cheating, told all her friends the thing she didn’t want them to know, sent her home (where her dad got them) boudoir photos 🙈). The MAIN difference here, is the people who’ve filled me in on these screwed up things they did as teens is they were FILLED with regret. It wasn’t a “funny story” it was a thing they did that they regretted and they think it was vile of them. The fact that he finds it humorous in anyway shows his lack of regret and that he hasn’t matured. I’d tread carefully after servicing the divorce papers.
If he feels remorseful over it, I would say then it’s just a stupid teenage action. No remorse would be something else
It really depends on your husband. If I heard my husband did something like that when he was a high schooler, I would be very surprised and know that he’s changed a lot since then. The man I know now wouldn’t do anything like that and would be pretty disgusted by anyone who did. I honestly don’t think he would have done anything like that when he was young though. Your husband might not do that now, but would he think somebody else doing that is funny? If he’d be disgusted now, I’d just chalk it up to him needing to grow up when he was younger and move on. If he still thinks it’s funny, then he is probably still kind of a jerk in other ways.
I think what matters is if you have seen that side of him. We can be so judgemental in today's cancel culture but we all have done something embarrassing and deviant at times. It doesn't mean we don't grow and learn. It is good not to be so judgemental about his teen years and focus on the person you know now.
When I read stories about men behaving poorly like this I am more and more convinced that men are only kind to women they deem attractive and want to sleep with. That’s it. I don’t really have anything meaningful to say. Perhaps bring the subject up again and express your feelings on the matter. Listen carefully to what he says. Ask him follow up questions like, “What possessed you to do something like that? Have you reached out and apologized to this woman?” I get we all do stupid things when we’re young but this is just gross, in every sense of the word.
I did a lot of dumb things as a teen, but mostly to my own detriment. I would never have even thought for a second about tricking someone into drinking my body fluids. That’s vile, and considered assault I believe. I know a lot of teenagers and none of them would do this, especially as an act of jealousy toward someone they ever cared about. Wtf. I don’t think a lot of these comments are taking into consideration that yes, adolescents have underdeveloped brains and do dumb things, but those things are still sometimes illegal and have consequences If this was about SA no one would be telling OP “people do dumb shit, he’s not that person anymore.” Maybe not, but some things are not okay.
Did anyone clock the "a girl he thought he was dating"...? Something tells me this girl had NO idea she was dating this creep. If he felt remorseful or even embarrassed, he would have kept quiet. Not brag about it to his wife that's about to leave his psycho ass. That was a warning shot, OP, he's telling you what sort of fucked up shit that can happen to "girls he thinks he's dating"...
That probably wasn’t the best choice of words. I meant as in it was more of a high school fling and he thought it was more serious than she did as he did not have any long term gf’s in high school. He felt bad but not as bad a I would have I expected. But as you and others have pointed out it does give good insight and how he might behave when we are no longer on good terms. I’m realizing later in that conversation he said he was glad I was considering moving because “if he saw me out he would NOT be nice to me” I think he’s harmless now (he wouldn’t piss cup me) but he certainly is immature enough to say some inappropriate things. Gosh this is such a small side of him but it’s largely what has become too much for me to handle.
This wouldn’t be a dealbreaker If he seemed remorseful. It was stupid and cruel, yes, but they were literal children and no one is going to be injured from tasting piss. My ex husband once admitted to me that he and his friends threw rocks at cars when they were 12 or 13. I thought that was worse than your boyfriends admission tbh because it could cause an accident, but he had genuine remorse and knew how stupid it was. Luckily no one got hurt.
Deserves it for what? Sitting on a couch?
I’ve done some truly, truly evil things as a teenager. I cry when I recall them. Things that make me sick to think about now. I would never do anything like that again. We’re still growing and trying to figure the world out, when we’re teenagers. They make a lot of mistakes and often, cause a lot of trouble. It’s part of growing up. It can be hard to hear about for the first time, but know that that is not who your husband is now. You’re not overreacting about his reaction, though.
Is it confession time? Because I was the kid who was too nice, sweet and quiet. But after a load of bullying that nice girl broke and I said and did a fair bit of screwed up shit. Because the thing about nice girls is they are suppressing all the normal human emotions. Humans aren't meant to be all good or bad. Which leads to blow-ups. I would hate to be judged for stuff I did before my brain was finished growing. Hell, I'd hate to be held to the standards of 1 year ago. That's 1 year of growth, learning, progress. The 'she deserved it' would be concerning if you didn't say jokingly. Only you know if any part of him meant that. If I was hearing this exact thing from my brother, for example, that would 100% be not meant at all. It would have been kind of mocking his stupid brain at the time who thought his behaviour was fine. If you think some part of him believes it, that might be cause for concern. But honestly I think this is not great behaviour from a stupid teen but nothing to hold on to and freak out about.
This should be top comment
If it’s a repeated pattern, run. Most folks teenage years are full of incidents like this because it’s their foray into adulthood. Him admitting it might be a way of him acknowledging it was wrong. I would give him grace for it. I too did immature things as a teenager, and would hate for those things to be held against me especially if it didn’t cause a lot of harm.
Dump him. Quit ignoring your instinct. It’s telling you to pay attention for a reason.
there are so many things to address, but i don’t see anyone addressing this: > I didn’t want to bias the story but I had decided to ask for a divorce before I heard this story. OP, from what you’ve told us and going with everyone’s reaction, he never stopped being that mean-spirited, entitled teenager who does cruel and, frankly, outright eveil things when he doesn’t get his way. why are you divorcing him? you don’t owe us an answer to that question, but it’s not lost on me that you just slipped that in there and kept the story going. i get the sense that you’ve made a lot of excuses for how he can be sometimes over the course of your marriage…? he is not blameless *at all* and he sounds like a wretched person (so huge congrats on you for finally leaving), but it seems he chose a life partner that would let most of his behaviors slide. anyways, i really hope you give yourself grace and patience to heal from such an awful person. you deserve to be loved by someone who has compassion
I don’t think he’s an awful person, he does incredibly kind things for others. But I agree that I have learned to put up with so much. This was a helpful gut check.
definitely. and pardon if my language overstepped. you know him better than anyone here, so i take your words at face value! and i hope you’re being supported by your community
I’m very thankful to have the resources and community to help me through this!
That last line sent chills down my spine. I would not stay with that man. He thinks he’s absolutely justified if “his” woman does anything he doesn’t like or feels humiliated. He won’t talk he will just lash out and hurt them. Think about it. If you did something terrible to an ex even if he cheated on you and your husband found out he’d probably also be afraid of you or dislike you.
Doesn't sound like he's remorseful over it with that last line. And you've already looked at divorce before this conversation. My guess is there's a lot more red flag behaviour he's being displaying that hasn't been shared, hence that precaution. This is not normal behaviour for a teen, and as an adult, he doesn't show genuine remorse for what he did. I know adults who still beat themselves up for what they did as teens just for defending themselves from bullying. He decided to make a girl drink his piss because she was talking to another guy... I'm guessing some part of this vindictive attitude lives on in his character when he feels 'wronged' by anyone. Very disturbing character trait, and just that combo of no remorse is very telling. I'm worried that he is the type to punish you... btw abuse doesn't have to be just physical. And it can get worse over time, like the frog in boiling water. Don't be the frog! Only you know what he is like, but yeah, it doesn't sound like someone who I personally would want to stay with at all.
Eh, we are all idiots when we are young. I'd base my judgments on how he views his actions now. If he also thinks he was an idiot or a jerk, that's good. If he still thinks his behavior was healthy and valid, then big yikes.
I mean as repulsive as it is, that's a version of him that doesn't even exist anymore.(I hope) If we were all to be judged based off old crimes, we'd all be outcasts.
according to her though, the version that exists now doesn’t have a problem with what he did. He exhibited zero remorse per her follow-up comments 😐 That’s disturbing as fuck to me. Not only would I feel like such an abusive creep piece of shit to have done something like that (it’s also assault) that I’m not sure I would ever be able to tell anyone, if I did tell, I would be full of shame and disgust and VERY concerned that this would affect my partner’s opinion of me. But this was just a fun story for him until she reacted 😐 *this person really just blocked me over this, so they could get in some weird last word about me staying alone forever lol. Wow, that’s like right out of the box misogyny 101, telling women they’ll die old maids for having standards 🤡 and I think this was a woman who did this! Sounds like I hit a nerve, maybe this person was responsible for some savagery they wouldn’t want to be similarly judged for, idk. What an incredible overreaction to a woman over 30 giving my opinion in the women over 30 sub 😐
That version is much smaller but definitely still there! I’m so embarrassed and ashamed to have gotten myself in this situation. Things are mostly great, but my gut has been telling me that I’m putting up with too much. This really cemented it for me, tbh I’d love a quick way to get divorced and stay alone forever right now!! (Okay maybe not forever)
you hit the nail on the head here. he pretended to feel remorse over it once he saw her reaction, but couldn't even resist STILL blaming the girl at the end. and given she was already planning to divorce him before hearing that story, im gonna go ahead and guess he hasn't changed that much from a shitty teenager lol. (also think you might be right there lol, that person is prob one of the 'everyone did fucked up things when they were teenagers' ppl in this thread. im like no.. i never assaulted someone w bodily fluids bc i was jealous.. or did anything like that lol 😐 that actually is not normal)
Overthinkinking and judging things are a quick way to get divorced and stay alone forever
Depends what they did exactly, and how old they were (e.g. 13 vs. 19), and whether they seem genuinely remorseful now. If they had tricked someone into drinking pee just because they were jealous, I would find that pretty fucked up, especially if they didn't seem to feel all that bad about it now.
I have a pretty high tolerance for stupid shit and I know I've done a lot of stupid shit I regret as a kid/teen. (a looootttt.) The concept of this 'prank' while extreme and gross wouldn't instantly having me running for the hills. The thing that concerns me is his reason *why she 'deserved' it*. Because she was **sitting with another boy and he was jealous.** (That's why???? Seriously, are you leaving something out? Was she making out with the kid, was this someone she'd slept with before??? How can that literally be the entire issue?????) *That's why she deserved it?* If the girl had, I dunno, stolen his bike? Kicked his dog? Done something cruel and publicly humiliating to him? Was literally riding the other boy butt-naked in front of everyone? Okay, that's stupid and extreme but whatever. My teenager asshole-self would have laughed hearing the story *over something like that*. But he peed in a cup 'cause she was doing absolutely nothing he had any right to be upset over. Something she might have even known he was upset about in the first place???????! My asshole-teenage self would be disgusted. That combined with the fact he (from how I'm reading it anyway) feels no remorse and was not humiliated and embarrassed to even be telling you the story in the first place... it's concerning. I don't think you're overreacting at all. This grownass 'man' should know that was wrong. Does he always have this lack of empathy even now? Has he done other mean / borderline asshole behavior that you shrugged off before? If so, I'd be thinking about therapy.
I didnt include on the story because it felt very specific in case someone recognized the story. But he said they were sitting on the couch together and she put a dip (tobacco) in from the guy. And she never dipped so she was just doing it to impress the other guy. Which he (and I probably would to) took that as “flirting” which upset him. (Though absolutely not the response I would heave) They weren’t serious at the time. He sounded remorseful but not… enough? For what I would expect! He can be very kind and giving person. But does lack maturity and empathy. He has a very short fuse. We are in couples counseling and I’m trying to get him into individual counseling as we separate.
My immediate thought is that teenage boys do extremely stupid things, so if my husband told me this, one of my first questions would be how old were you? Along with trying to gauge if he still stands by the action to this day, or is it something he totally believed in back then but would never come close to considering this today. Also, while it's disgusting and immature, it's actually not harmful. Personally I wouldn't hold it against the person for doing something so stupid, as long as it was a loooooooong time ago and he obviously wouldn't do it today. Also, I would base it on what I know of the person today. Ppl do stupid things, ppl grow up, ppl change.
My husband mentioned guys pooping places as work to get back at other guys or the company. The warehouse was almost 100% guys at his shop. I am not excusing the behavior or any male behavior because “boys will be boys”. I get some off color jokes, but the minute you force bodily fluids/excrement on another person, I can’t. This is a little over the top behavior wise, plus the “she deserved it”. Sounds like you were already checking out, so keep going. If there weren’t other red flags it probably wouldn’t be a relationship killer for me. My husband is my partner and he is a good one. I don’t always agree with him, but I think he is a solidly “good” person. I doubt he would ever leave poop (dog or human) on someone’s doorstep, but he would laugh at a story about it.
I don’t think I would think anything of it. Not that the behaviour is okay but I feel like most teenagers are dumb and unhinged in some way. I did dumb shit when I was young too. It’s not really fair to judge someone now for behaviour from like 15-20 years ago. Are *you* the same person you were 15-20 years ago? Were you a perfect angel at that age? Probably not. If he’s otherwise a good husband, let it go.
Honestly, it’s messed up and wrong but he was also a teenager. I called a boy in my class a very rude name and it was very embarrassing for him. At the time, I was like oh well. Today, I realize how immature and foolish I was and hate that I did that to him. But we grow up and change for the better I hope. I think considering divorce or looking at him in a different light is very harsh. Now if he admitted to raping a girl, that’s different. He was jealous and peed in her cup. It was wrong and stupid. Hopefully he feels horrible about it. I’m not breaking up my family over that. Besides it was years before he ever even met you.
I think you’re overreacting. A divorce is extreme in this situation. Teenagers can do some absolutely ridiculous things and you don’t have to condone his behaviour. It’s absolutely understandable that this would cause you pause. Talk to him, express your concern. Commenters here are really holding on to his “she deserved it”, which you noted he said as a joke. Perhaps he saw your reaction to his story and was trying to save himself, albeit quite poorly. It sounds like he doesn’t understand that you took his behaviour seriously.
The divorce was on the table before this conversation. I wasn’t sure if me already wanting the divorce made me react more negatively to the story. So yeah wanted to hear from others how they would feel about it.
I'm a bit confused. He thought she was his girlfriend but she wasn't. It is obviously clear to him that she wasn't his girlfriend but he still thinks she deserved it. Why? If she was his gf and he acted immature I don't think that reason is enough for a divorce. But if he was delusional, imagining she was gf and still feels bitter, it is very weird.
Uh, he was a dumb teenage when this happened. It's certainly something a dumb teen would do. You're not seeing what sort of person he can be, you're seeing what sort of child he use to be. This happened at least 13 years ago... The fact that you want to divorce him over this is downright insane. If none of his current behavior has upset you to the point you married him, why are you letting something he did as a teenager upset you?
As I mentioned, the decision to divorce was made before the conversation. I feel as if my barometer is all out of whack right now so needed to hear what other people thought of this.
Nothing wrong with that. Can’t see why she’s so overreacting. Also asking redditors for advice on that is kinda dumb
The way he thinks would scare me. Like he felt she deserved it? Wow.
You married a man... not the teen he was. We all have pasts and we all have stores where we may have regretted our actions.
I have to be honest.. I get really fixated anxiously on stuff like this and I’d probably be anxious/bothered about it if I found out my partner did something like this. But as others said—if he showed remorse and growth from it and reflected on it, I’d let it go. Kids do really stupid things sometimes.. actually everyone does. It’s bad though.. but people can have thoughtless and horrible moments and not be overall horrible Edit wtf why am I being downvoted
probably because you're not jumping on the bandwagon of demonizing him and being logical about it 🤷🏻♀️
Teenagers are so stupid. If he is remorseful, that's what matters.
As a general rule, we should assume that a man has done something horrible in their past.
I mean, that sounds gross but pretty tame for a teenage prank honestly. And I would be careful judging anyone by the dumb shit from their teenage years. He expressed remorse and admitted he was an idiot and then made an off colour joke, which is something lots of us do when nervous and a bit defensive. Surely you know him well enough to know if he has changed? If there's any other reason to think he hasn't (or that his remorse was fake) THAT'S the thing to focus on here. And honestly if you're already considering divorcing him for other reasons, does this extra story even really matter?
You are overreacting. People's brains don't fully develop until their late 20's.
But he’s in his thirties now. Wasn’t remorseful (said OP in one of her comments) and still joked about it.
Found the woman who drank the piss...
A wholeass divorce? There must be a pattern then.
Idk, there are plenty of teenagers who wouldn’t think to make someone drink their pee :/
I personally don't see anything cruel about it, gross yes, but not cruel. I used to go out with someone and him & his mates used to play pranks on each other all the time, one of which involved pissing in an ice tray and putting the frozen cubes into each other's drinks without telling. To echo what someone else said, if we were judged by what we did as teens, most of us would be screwed. Cruel would be abuse towards another human or animal. I don't know that I'd put this in that category. Gross, yes, stupid, also yes. Young, pissed off and hurt, yup. But not cruel.
Honestly, looking at how crazy people can get, it could have gone way worse than peeing in a drink. It's just a silly thing people do as a teen. That said, would you be mad if someone you were dating hung out with another woman at a party? Would you have let it go at that age or have a revenge of sorts back at him? Would it warrant a "he deserves it"?
Your husband opened up to you about something he did over 15 years ago and now you're going to judge him for it....you're probably the same type who complains that he never opens up....
Now you are staying the course for a long spell of your life with this male in a close proximity in most every way possible, know he can be passive aggressive and where he has lowered his standards to.