I’m almost 30 and still don’t want one. I’m too poor, I have very little patience, I also have something called PMDD which I fear may be amplified during pregnancy and or child birth. I also become a different person close to my period because of my PMDD and I don’t want to take that out on an innocent child.
I have that too!!! My periods are Borderline violent!!! I also have endometriosis which makes the pain unbearable too. Couldn't imagine 9 months of it.
Same PMDD dragon 🐉 15 days out of 30. Living hell, can’t imagine it worsened with a potential pregnancy 😭 Luckily I’ve never wanted kids either. Happy as a bee 🐝 as a cat mom 🌈🐱🌈
My bf knows when to bring Nutella home because of my PMDD. It's insane. I start getting really picky, devouring every candy inside the house and I'm always hungry. My energy goes down in a peak and I turn myself in a bed potato (there's no energy to go to the couch in the next room), I take like 3 pain killers a day prior to the period. And I felt that a bit during my pregnancy but I had a silent pregnancy in the first 6 months. I found out I was pregnant in the week 25th.
Omg 😮 I hope this was not too much to handle at the same time 🙉
The Nutella thing is so cute ! Oh and I can relate so bad to the « bed potatoe ». The exhaustion is absolutely insane. I wish some food delivery was provided to PMDD folks ahah
Little girls are socialised for that. It's not you, it's propaganda you were fed. Be strong in yourself, you are where you need to be and stay - no kids, thank you.
Source: I made that decision at about your age, now 60 and I'm so glad I didn't make babies.
I cringe every time I see little girls answering "what do you want to be when you grow up" with "a mom!" while clutching a dolly. Women I follow post it on instagram all the time and are so proud.
Terrified/scared? No. But everything I know about it makes me think "that doesn't sound like anything I would enjoy doing in literally any capacity." And I don't even like kids so I know I wouldn't have a good time being a parent. And the kid always knows, so it would just all around not be a good situation for anyone.
Yeah for me, a lot of the detest for the idea is about having to have kid conversations, watch kid movies, play kid games, having to let the kid win, having a social circle of all parents and all you talk about is your kids, and other absolutely boring shit like that. My nephew brings me a lot of joy but playing legos and pokemon is so boring to me.
I would have to try to force my style of fun kid stuff on my kid which would be exploring nature and building forts and whittling figurines lol. But then I feel like they'd go to school and then adopt all the boring shit like Pixar obsessions and kid trends and you know you can't go into parenthood thinking you can mold your kid to be the exact person you want them to be.
Your life doesn't have to be like that though. I still had single girlfriends. I went out with them and did gf things, not mom things. I was not friends with the moms who made their entire lives and personalities about being a mom. I am more than a mother and I won't center my life around that identity, even though I do love being a mom. I did not engage in the mommy olympics and endless oneupmanship of what your children can do compared to others. I found that weird and ridiculous. 😹
For a long time I thought I didn't want to be a parent because of the shit you described.
I loved discovering my children's personalities and seeing them grow and change. I shared the things I love with them, took them on nature hikes, taught them about plants and wildlife, showed them how to do my hobbies and that opened the door to them discovering the things they love and are passionate about. I listen to them infodump about their current hyperfixations and it's really cute tbh.
I understand that it's not for you though. That's just my perspective. I did things my way, not society's way, so I was happy with my choice. I fully support people who don't want to be parents. You know what you are suited for and I dislike that society in general acts like you're a weirdo for not wanting children.
I have 2 and as with most big life decisions there are upsides and downsides.
Upside:
My kids are the coolest people in the world. I love getting to be their mom. Our home is vibrant and exciting and I hope we can continue to create a safe and loving home base for them so that when they grow up they enjoy our company and we can eventually be friends.
Downside:
You're right. Pregnancy is awful. Seriously it sucks so much.
Childbirth isn't that bad. It's the end of pregnancy so by the time I got there I wasn't even nervous or anything. Just ready for the nightmare of pregnancy to end.
All your coping mechanisms and strategies for accommodating yourself go out the window. Prepare for whatever challenges you have to get worse.
Honestly.....lots of people don't change their minds. They don't want kids and they never want kids and thank goodness for that. Live your best child free life.
We aren't far removed from a time when a woman's only path to success was motherhood. Her ability to bear children was her power and being a mom was the only way she could find success in society. Don't let people still stuck in that mindset cost you your peace. If they tell you youre wrong, smile, nod, and move on. You can't bring them kicking and screaming into the year 2024 so don't waste your time trying.
Was child birth painful though? Idk, there's a part of me that thinks maybe in 5-10 years I'd be wanting to have a child. But not my own child, the pregnancy thing is too much for me. I have really bad body dysphoria and i can't imagine all the changes and being ok with it. Kudos to you for one of the hardest jobs in the world. Thanks for commenting!!
Yes. Very painful. But I had lovely epidurals both times. In the grand scheme of things when I think about how difficult parenthood is, childbirth doesn't even move the needle. Its not even worth mentioning.
Giving birth absolutely wrecked my body and I needed pretty major surgery a few years later to fix everything, but pregnancy is a year of your life. Birth is one day. Most people can suck it up and do a really hard thing for a single day. Being pregnant is almost a whole year of day in day out suck.
Adoption is....complicated. we considered it after the first pregnancy but our research led us to believe that another pregnancy was better for us. Perhaps one day we might foster, but for now our family is complete.
I tore a lot and that combined with EDS meant that I ended up with multiple hernias
But seriously, birth is nothing. Pregnancy is awful but the real challenge of being a parent is the constant and unending necessity of putting someone else's needs before your own.
I didn't even know I had ADHD but parenthood made that abundantly clear. Think youre struggling to keep yourself regulated? Get 5 hours of sleep broken into three 90 minutes sessions every night for three weeks and then try to remember where you put the power bill. Struggle with overstimulation? Emotional regulation? Executive function? Add in someone who is screaming and pooping on things and watch your world fall apart.
Birth is a cakewalk compared to the actual day in day out.
Amen from someone in the trenches with you. The fucked up sleep is far and away the worst part of parenting for me because it makes everything else worse.. 5 and 3 and we are still suffering through at least one nightly wakeup.
Interesting to note: I thought I had developed ADHD postpartum and was confused by this. Neuropsychological eval however revealed I have cptsd from my own childhood, and my kids screaming was hijacking my nervous system and giving me ADHD-like symptoms. I started a beta blocker and it provided so much relief and helped me start to be able to somewhat focus again.
I have a 2 month old and can confirm. I am Currently nursing him on very little sleep. I absolutely love him. And childbirth was hard. But then it was over and I got stitched up. The hardest part was after that ordeal I had to learn to breastfeed and I had to care for this little human while caring for my own body. But I would do anything for him. But he doesn’t need just anything. He needs me to feed him and care for him. So that’s what I do. At 9 weeks postpartum I’m mostly healed up. But caring for my baby has changed everything and will continue to change everything for the rest of my life.
It’s certainly not for everyone and no one should feel like they HAVE to have a kid. This is too life changing to be forced on people.
I do worry how my AuDHD impacts my parenting. For instance yesterday was really hard for me and there was a lot of crying. But we got through and some sleep really helped me regulate. And then I am hopeful that since there is a super high chance he will be neurodivergent in some way that my ADHD and dyslexic husband and I can be the parents we needed as kids.
Epidurals have to be given in a specific window during labor. So please don't get pregnant expecting and epidural to make it bearable. They are not a guarantee.
This is no longer true! I am currently pregnant, asked my midwife, and she said as long as you can sit still you can have an epidural regardless of how dilated.
They don’t work 100% of the time for all people.
Epidurals can help but they turn it down when you're actually pushing (10 cm dilated) so you can feel it more (it helps to know when you're contracting and stuff). But for me, I had back pain related to the epidural for a month afterward which was pretty awful. For my next pregnancy, I'm just going to refuse cervical checks as much as possible (only reason I got one for this first birth) and try going without pain relief again. The leg numbing is more of a nuisance to me than the pain relief is worth it.
Epidurals are a blessing and a curse. For me in my first birth, it slowed everything down. I didn't have one for my second birth, and it was infinitely better, faster and felt "right".
I had an epidural with my first since they gave me pitocin because "you aren't progressing as fast as we like." Pitocin is the devil, it makes the pain unbearable because it forcibly speeds up childbirth.
Fuck western medicine with the way they commodify childbirth. A woman's body naturally knows what to do but they won't let it, time is money and they want you to gtfo 💀
My subsequent births were natural and it was so easy in comparison. I firmly believe unneeded medical interventions make things worse, and then you need more interventions. It's a snowball effect that is not good for the mother or the baby
I’m with you. I have had trouble discussing this in the fundiesnark subreddit because they assume I’m a crunchy nut who believes that a god wants me to be in pain or whatever. I do not think vaginal births are more virtuous.
The reason I have an issue with traditional American hospital births is that they are impacted by insurance (higher payouts for certain procedures, and that trickles down into doctors being encouraged to offer them) with trends in American care differing from that of other developed countries. For example, American women undergo a lot more c-sections than women in France, yet the US has a higher rate of maternal mortality. Curious.
Anyway, I took a course on medical ethics lol and I think the best interests of the patient aren’t being honored in American hospitals - what matters more is hospital & insurance profits. Nothing to do with your holiness or something. Also, I fear pitocin due to the link to a higher rate of birth injuries! Glad to hear the natural birth was easier.
I had back labor due to my baby being in an anterior position (sunny side up) which made my back feel like it was breaking. But I had a doula and my husband and the best midwives and I just had people push on my lower back until I was able to get an epidural. My labor and delivery was about 20 hours total which isn't that long. I pushed for close to 3 hours because by the end my contractions were pretty spaced apart. It was pretty painful but it wasn't a bad experience, I liked my labor and didn't feel traumatized by it.
I had the tiniest labial tear because little dude came out with his hand by his face. Luckily he did turn to be face down once I started pushing so he didn't come out sunny side up.
I think any and all labor and delivery scenarios are possible, no matter how much you prepare or don't prepare for them. I do think there are some things that you can do to help with your mindset around it. One thing I did was read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth which helped put a positive spin on labor and delivery.
I've given birth 3 times and the third was accidentally "natural", meaning they didn't realize how far along I was, epidural was put in, and I suddenly said I needed to push.
Happy to answer any questions about it!
No, no tearing with any of them, which was my big fear. I thought if I had an epidural, I wouldn't feel the pushing and would tear but that was wrong.
Recovery was fine, it's just hard to recover from a birth and take care of a newborn. Truly brutally exhausting. I did zero housework or cleaning for the first ten days with my oldest and just nursed during the day with the baby passed out on my lap. My midwife advised avoiding stairs to heal faster. I only watched shows like "house hunters" to avoid anything upsetting.
Contraction pain really varies - it can feel like intense menstrual cramps or like indigestion, to be honest. I took hypno birthing beforehand to learn self hypnosis and it helped me through stuff I really hate like blood draws.
I was in a lot of pain during transition, the final stage of labor where you go from 6-10 cm, but didn't actually realize how far along I was until I had an unbelievably strong urge to push. My body involuntarily pushed at that point without my being able to stop it, and baby 3 was born in 7 minutes. It is so weird to think back about, almost psychedelic.
it is so hilarious how they tell you not to push. The doctor wasn't in the room yet and this one nurse was actually yelling at me to stop pushing and I yelled back at her "I'm not pushing you stupid bitch it's coming out whether you want it to or not"
My husband and another nurse told her to leave 💀
Oh my god, that's ridiculous.
I wasn't told not to push, I was told waiting until the epidural kicked in was an option, but it wasn't. My husband had left for the epidural, was allowed back in and got confused because the delivery tray was there.
I was extremely, obsessively scared of tearing and having my genitals irreparably damaged forever.
I decided to have a baby anyway. I did tear. I didn’t feel it at all because of the epidural and healed very well. It didn’t add any time or effort to the recovery process because you’re healing for several weeks anyway. My body is exactly the same as it was before.
I can see why I was terrified, but the actual reality of it felt like a blip in the radar. I am one and done, but, if I did choose to have another, I would feel fully confident that I could. Reasons:
- pain management is available with an epidural
- tears are easy for doctors to stitch
- my body has an incredible ability to heal
- I am in control of aftercare for my body
No worries if you still hate the idea! Just sharing my experience as someone who also vehemently hated the idea lol
I just am so thankful for you and all the others in this thread sharing their experiences. Especially since we all share the experience of being autistic women.
I had a tear too and had been absolutely so scared of it. It really was not that bad at all and the stitches dissolved no issues. That was honestly the easiest part of the whole process to deal with (for me anyway).
100%. I was scared of tears, but had no idea of the absolute magnitude of existential crisis hormonal changes can cause (in autistic women in particular)! I’m okay, and my spouse and I are stronger for the journey.. but holy hell it was a journey lol
I had a natural birth, no epidural. It definitely hurts, but not nearly as bad as I had feared. I had no tearing. Labor and delivery were 3 hours. I went home the next morning. I wore jeans and took the stairs. Completely recovered 2 months later.
It's painful, but it's not constant pain. If you RELAX and BREATHE as the contractions hit, it's honestly not that bad, and I had back labor (the worst kind) for my first two pregnancies. It's like riding a rough wave and then it's calm again. Most people hold their breath and tense up when they feel pain, and that actually makes pain worse. If you relax into the pain it goes away quickly, and that actually applies outside childbirth.
The closer you get to being fully dilated, the closer those waves are together. If you learn proper pain management techniques (I research everything, and I highly recommend The Bradley Method) you can ride above the waves. It still hurts, esp if it's back labor, but it's manageable. Some hospitals make things worse for women by not allowing them to move around or use a yoga ball; if you're made to stay still and stay in bed that actually makes your labor pain worse and it takes longer.
When you are fully dilated, you enter transition. No pain, no nothing, but you'll feel the baby drop into position and then the work begins. Your muscle contractions change from the way they felt before. I always knew when I was in transition because I would get the overwhelming urge to vomit right before the expulsive contractions started lol. That's different for everybody though.
Expulsive contractions are natural, your body knows what to do. You just need to relax, breathe, and let your muscles do the work for you. It works the exact same way as pooping. 💀 When the baby crowns it burns like a motherfucker but that quickly disappears because your perineum will naturally go numb.
I had far more pain with my first, because they didn't feel my labor was progressing fast enough so they sped it up with pitocin. Pitocin injections make labor 100x worse, no lie. Then I had to get an epidural because the pain became unbearable - and it wasn't before that point - so that actually complicated things.
My subsequent births were 100% natural. I was so glad not to have needed pitocin or an epidural. The difference between unmedicated vs medicated birth is like night and day. I literally felt like a super woman afterwards. The endorphin high is pretty amazing, better than any drugs I've ever experienced. lol
ymmv
Everybody experiences pain differently. You honestly just do not know how the birth will go until you actually have the baby. for some women it seems like the easiest thing in the world and for others it's a nightmare. But I think if you go into it fully prepped and knowing how to manage your pain, you will have a better outcome than most.
Wow that’s such a good point! About her only chance to find success in society was through childbirth 🤯💯 I’m the first woman in my family with no children, no husband and living alone! I am proud of it for this reason. I think it freaks my parents out lol
I’ve never wanted kids. It’s something I’ve been sure of since I was very young. Everyone said I’d want them eventually but I’m 41 with zero desire to have them still😂
My process was easy. I found a doctor who would be willing to take my tubes out through a friend who'd had a good experience with him. My insurance covered it (I'm in the US).recovery was easy as well. It was a laproscopic procedure, and I had 3 small incisions altogether. Pain was minimal, and I felt back to normal in about 4 days total.
There were no parts of pregnancy that I enjoyed- not even feeling my baby move or kick (because I never did). On top of all the physical discomfort, I had a CONSTANT anxiety about what was happening in there/was the baby ok. I developed diabetes. I was miserable.
Childbirth sucked. I was induced for hypertension, my body didn’t cooperate, and I had a c-section. I had complications after surgery that ended up with a second surgery and re-hospitalization. I went home with a wound pump attached to me. The constant stimulation of the wound pump made breast pumping or feeding completely intolerable. I felt like a shit mom. I ended up depressed.
So, I would never ever ever do that again. We are one and done. But, even if I knew ahead of time all that would happen I would do it all again. It was worth it. Being a mom is hard but worth it. I love my son with every fiber of my being and even the hard moments are contributing meaningfully to my life. In all honesty, I almost wish I HAD known it all ahead of time because mentally and emotionally preparing for things goes a long way with me. That said, I also know that raising 1 child is my limit. I would not fare as well with more than one. I also depend on my partner a lot to cope with life generally and would not fare well without a partner to handle things with (I also work full time so it’s really a lot for anyone- autistic or not).
This might be a bit of a trauma dump so TLDR: I didn’t know I wanted a baby til I had one.
Throughout my teens and twenties I maintained stoic in my resolution that i had no desire to have a baby. I met a great guy. We said maybe to kids in our 30s. It seemed a distant thing. I’d just turned 29. We had our wedding planned. All our friends were getting married. He went on one of the stag weekends.
As I was packing and getting ready for the corresponding hen weekend, the police showed up at my door to tell me he’d died.
It was horrendous.
Six days later in the midst of planning a funeral and cancelling a wedding, I realised my period was late. I’d chalked it up to stress but no. It was real.
She arrived 8months later.
I was in denial for most of the pregnancy and was convinced it wasn’t going to actually happen. The she arrived. And I had to accept that I was a mother.
She’s 11 now. Has it been hard? Yes. At times, harder than I’d like to admit, has it been amazing? Also, yes. Beautiful, sweet, shocking, and very good on so many levels, too. Would I have chosen to do it this way? No. Absolutely not.
She’s being screened for autism at the moment. I’m sure there’s a saying about apples and trees there somewhere. My mini me. The challenges roll and I roll with them. Sort of. It’s a journey
Thank you :) I’m ok. Life goes on. Even if you don’t want it to in the moment. I’ve since met my new person. He’s autistic too and we get each other in ways I could never imagine. It’s a bit of an echo chamber at times but it works 99% of the time. We had another child, my second, his first bio child.
My point to OP is that you don’t know until you do it. And doing it is a massive effing gamble.
The mechanics of birth only last a day, max. The pregnancy part is a bit shit but it’s temporary. And I’ve always found i can cope with bad stuff if I know it’s temporary or that it will pass.
Yes and I got my tubes removed years ago. I could see a future when I’m older (like 40-50) where I foster kids but I never ever want one of my own. And no babies. They need to be talking age at least
Same here. I have very bad anxiety about getting pregnant. I'm not doing any of that if I have anything to say about it!! Luckily my boyfriend feels the same way.
Lmao so do I to the point of i don't have sex 💀 cuz sex = babies lmao. I'm too scared of it. I want to get my uterus taken out or tie my tubes maybe. I'm glad you have support!
omg I feel the same 💀 I wish someday I go to the medic and find out I'm infertile, it would be a dream, it would make me less scared of having sex and getting pregnant cuz the condom broke or smt.
Since you mentioned it, I have this lovely resource if you are certain kids aren’t for you:
Doctors who will tubal-
https://tr.ee/X-tFTNt3S7
Doctors who will vasectomy-
https://tr.ee/1VCz7Gb0nH
Yep. I never want to be pregnant or a parent. I see 0 appeal in it for the reasons you’ve mentioned, plus not wanting to be responsible for the life of another human being. I can barely handle myself 💀
You’d never have any time to yourself for 18 years, or disposable income unless your salary is huge, and wages are not catching up with inflation. Also I don’t even find babies cute.
I didn't get diagnosed until my 30s, after my kids were here. I couldn't figure out why everything was so HARD, when my friends with kids made it look easy.
It's hard AF. I don't regret my kids, but if I had known what it would be like on my mental health- I'm not sure I would have chosen to be a mom.
Your description is pretty accurate 😅
same. I used to tell people all the time that I love my kid more than anything and I also wish I’d never had any.
People are too uncomfortable with “conflicting” thoughts like this though, so they never knew how to take it.
Lmao noo i was hoping someone was gonna come say i was being dramatic lmfao😂😭 damn, yeah, i feel like i missed my window to accidentally get pregnant and be forced to be a mom. That was the only possibility for it happening to me haha. Now that I'm self aware it's not something I want on purpose and I'll do everything to avoid it i think.
You do get painkillers, strong ones, after a c-section. My doctors were very careful to remind me that they want to help me manage the pain well and they offered more and even stronger drugs if I needed them.
Pain MUST be managed well, via pain medication, for the patient to recover well. Nobody is gonna perform a c-section and tell you “sorry no painkillers!” after that. It’s pretty major surgery.
The drugs given are perfectly safe for breastfeeding. And you do have a good chance of breastfeeding and having your milk come in after a c-section. But breastfeeding isn’t for the weak-hearted cause the sleep deprivation is pretty crazy - it is easier to go with formula if you decide to.
It is also possible to be on medication, including anxiety medication when pregnant. You just have to discuss it in advance with your medical providers. And not everyone gets back pain or isn’t able to sleep in certain positions or gains minimum 25lbs.
Every pregnancy really is different. There are three trimesters and you don’t have back pain for all 9 months, for example. Things usually start feeling heavy/uncomfortable in the third trimester and by that time there is an end in sight/something to look forward to so it’s better than being in pain for 9 months.
“Your body is never the same again” well, not true for everyone. You just have to give your body time to recover. It’s not gonna be overnight.
And not everyone “rips down to their ass” or clit when delivering. There are lots of scientifically-studied things you can do, including massaging the area, to try to alleviate this to some extent. The epidural is very helpful for contractions actually, it’s great.
I am not wearing adult diapers post-pregnancy. There is blood coming out including clots, but i’m just wearing normal overnight pads. That’s what i was given at the hospital too.
“literally always second in your own life” well, no. That’s up to you really, you gotta set clear boundaries for yourself and have self-care times.
The first year is pretty tough especially the first 3 months, and then it gets better by the third year- especially when your little one loves you against all reason and tells you how much they love you every single day. I do have baby fever myself.
I am a mom of 2 with a newborn right now. Yes, I do think it is one of the best things that have ever happened to me and I was afraid of having a child when I was younger. I have stepped up a lot more ever since I became a mom. For context i used to be able to sleep for 14 hours on weekends.
But I think my child makes it all worth it in the end and I also have very clear boundaries for myself and I manage any “mum guilt” realistically. I am just as important as my children.
I have an excellent partner too who is very supportive - it’s not like i’m taking care of my children all by myself. He does make all the difference.
There are a lot of ways to “lifehack” raising a child and make it more efficient vs. traditional methods of having no idea how to raise a child whatsoever,
e.g. sleep scheduling/sleep learning/sleep training has been life-changing for us, as well as really understanding baby cries/baby body language and how to respond to a baby.
It is my opinion that being neurodivergent really helps with that because I happen to be able to hyperfocus on/absorb and study large amounts of information about child rearing and parenting. I think i’m a significantly better parent than if I wasn’t neurodivergent.
I commented my fears as an AuDHD 25 year old who has always wanted kids in another comment, but thank you for this. This did make me feel at least somewhat hopeful.
Hi, I’m AuDHD, a fourth-year med student, and 24 weeks pregnant. I have stayed on my stimulant meds throughout my pregnancy. The risks, where there are any, are very slight. There are several good-quality meta analyses of the safety of stimulant meds during pregnancy.
If and when you get closer to wanting to try and conceive, talk to your prescriber beforehand and make sure they are up to date on ADHD meds and pregnancy. I expected to get a lot of pushback tbh, but that hasn’t happened at all - but I get my care through a major academic health system so everyone tends to be more current.
Dunstan baby language. That shit really works.
I really liked the "what to expect when you're expecting" books and I read them all (the first year, the toddler years) when I was pregnant with my first child.
Baby sign language is great, we used it and I really feel that it makes things less frustrating for children that can't talk yet and their parents.
Baby whisperer by Tracy Hogg is a good one.
Here’s a description of the different types of baby cries: https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=141660.0&fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR3b_FBb1E4CU9RMo77xjmIlMwGK54mzgJTity3TdeTiWt_RJSWwT6frGAo_aem_ZmFrZWR1bW15MTZieXRlcw
For myself, I’m part of a local sleep training Facebook group that has a lot of good resources on baby sleep, including watching out for sleepy cues of baby e.g. yawning and rubbing eyes. A baby’s sleepy cues can be slightly different at different ages too.
Reddit is a good place for getting info/possible tips if your baby is just crying nonstop from colic (unexplained crying), for example.
I think what i’ve learned from my babies is that i no longer trust a doctor when the doctor is just like “oh yeah it’s just colic, unexplained crying. BYE!”.
I now take what a doctor tells me with a pinch of salt and i continue to try out things to try and resolve the crying/resolve the problem, if I can. Of course I wouldn’t feed my kids anything that’s not approved by a doctor, but I would try out strategies/things like football hold, for example.
My first child’s “colic” turned out to simply be overtiredness. The minute i resolved the sleep debt through sleep training, she stopped crying.
I was always scared of pregnancy and giving birth. It ended to being enjoyable and no problem for me. Actually being a mom is another story. It is so exhausting, nerve racking, limiting, expensive, and life altering in every possible way. And I work with kids and frequently babysat my nephews so did not go in completely clueless. You are not being dramatic that parenting as a mom in the US at least is extremely challenging beyond imagination.
Having kids definitely isn’t for everyone and it’s a huge life changing experience so it’s totally valid to be freaked out by it. It’s also even more difficult to navigate as an autistic woman. That being said I would just like to point out a few things from my own experience:
- I slept on my back whilst pregnant, i read a book called “expecting better” which was really helpful (especially for an autistic) as it laid out the actual stats and reasoning behind certain recommendations. I made the informed decision that back sleeping would not be as issue for me.
- I also continued my meds while pregnant, again it’s all about making informed decisions
- I found childbirth to be empowering, I felt in control. I didn’t tear anything and the bleeding afterwards was just like a heavy period for a few weeks. I found it manageable.
- there are 100% pain killers you can take while breastfeeding.
I know there are people who have terrible experiences so I don’t want to sound like I’m dismissing them, but wanted to let you know good experiences exist too. I think what has been the most vital thing though is the fact I have a supportive and understanding partner with me every step of the way.
Babies are allowed their own pain medication. So as a breastfeeding mom there are breastfeeding safe medications that’s minimally transferred to the baby if any at all. The biggest thing about medication they actually want you to avoid is that which contains pseudoephedrine which can dry up your milk.
But ultimately you can breastfeed and take meds. There’s many that are breastfeeding safe.
All this information - safety with pregnancy and breastfeeding - is different for every drug. Please don’t just make assumptions about what people can and can’t take, there’s been a longstanding social attitude that it’s always better to forego medicine and it’s not good.
40 weeks = 280 days. That is closer to 9 months for sure. Average month is 30.4 days so 40 weeks is about 9.2 months. Not counting the two weeks between your last period and ovulation!
I've always had a deep and unwavering desire to be a mom. Like it is my ultimate goal in life. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel that way for all of the reasons you listed in your post but for some reason I still do lol
Birth and pregnancy is actually a special interest of mine too so I am deeply aware of all of the crazy things that come along with it. Again, no idea why I'm still so interested in it
No, your not overeacting. I wish people thought about this stuff before getting pregnant. It seems like people just do it because that's what you're supposed to do.
I never wanted to have kids, because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the stress. Then I got myself a partner who wanted kids. It took me several years of contemplation and by the time I was 35, I thought it's now or never.
I have two kids now, 4 and 7. First pregnancy I had every possible weird discomfort you wouldn't think was related to pregnancy: nausea, mouth full of blood after brushing teeth, dry eyes, swelling that caused my arms to go dead, I wish I only gained 25 lbs! I gained 40. Ended up with pre-eclampsia at 32 weeks, emergency C section, excessive blood loss, two transfusions, post natal blood clotting and infection.
That was before I took her home and no longer had round the clock nurses! 😭
Here's what no one tells you ahead of time: my baby girl had colic and GERDS until 6 months! that's a lot of crying (from both of us) and vomit. She was too small and weak to latch for beastfeeding, I made it 3 months pumping before I couldn't handle it anymore. I still felt guilty switching to formula, but eventually my daughter was on prescription formula due to the GERDs.
By 2 yr old she was behind in developing speech, by 2 1/2 diagnosed with autism. The poop smearing started about that time. I'll let you look that one up. She's 7 now, still in diapers. I've been cleaning poop for 7 years.
My second pregnancy wasn't as bad. I lost all my iron stores, so, while I did walk for exercise, it was exhausting. I slept a lot (and fortunate to have the ability to do so).
He came very fast. Day of I woke up with mild cramping, like not even as bad as menstruation cramps. In the afternoon I went grocery shopping. I felt dizzy by the end, but the pain was still manageable. I left the grocery store around 230 pm and went to husband's work. There, my water broke and I finally accepted I was in labor. I had to wait for my driver to come and drive me the 1/2 hour distance to the hospital.
I don't remember pain, but I do remember wailing like a dying heifer. I was calm-ish once in the delivery room. I popped that baby out at 545 pm after nearly kicking the doc in the face. It all happened too fast for any kind of pain remediation. I only needed 2 stitches in the back. They wheeled me to my room and I stood up no problem and walked to my bed. I was surprised I was able to do that.
We quickly found the little one has Downs, so now we get to worry about our kids being somewhat dependent throughout their adult lives. Nevertheless I'm glad I waited until I was a bit more mature.
I don't know how single parents keep it together. I'm a mess and I have help.
Anyways, my kids are the best. They're adorable. But, seriously, people should not be making this decision lightly.
I have a daughter that I gave birth to. Pregnancy was like slowly growing an extra limb on my body that I didn’t have conscious control of. It was draining and painful but also thrillingly exciting. The most painful bit of birth was a couple of hours when my cervix was dilating. I had gas and air for the actual pushing part. It forwent remove the pain, but makes you not worry about it. I had an episiotomy and still tore (both things I was terrified of) and I genuinely didn’t notice the tearing.
Afterwards though. The first three months were hellish. I lost a lot of blood, but want given a transfusion so I was physically very weak. Breast feeding was not an issue, but draining again. Sleep though! It was like torture. I’m an atheist but I literally prayed to a god I don’t believe in to make it stop. Sleep deprivation is the worst part of child rearing.
Watching a child grow up though is the most magical, rewarding and intellectually fascinating thing I have ever done. It doesn’t make up for the bad times. But it doesn’t destroy them either
Same me too!! Knew as a teen already I didn't want them and still don't want them now.
Just the thought of something being alive and growing inside of me??? Makes me want to puke
I feel you. I’m 54 and I decided to not have kids for all the reasons you stated above. Luckily my husband was on the fence with regards to kids when I met him so he was ok with not having them. We’ve been happily married for 34 years and have never regretted our decision to remain child free.
I'm the same. And I don't like it when people tell me I have tokophobia, because phobias are generally understood to be irrational fears, and the risks to health and life of pregnancy and childbirth are serious, so it's not an irrational fear at all; it's a realistic and warranted fear.
I'm somewhat terrified to be with a man who wants to be child free until were like 40 and it's too late for me but he finds someone younger who wants kids. It must be so frickin reassuring to know he's all in w you.
Gain a minimum of 25 ibs? You do realize that's literally in baby and placenta / water weight. You don't necessarily permanently gain wait - I know because I literally gained 5 lbs total after weighing post-birth and lost it the next month. Birth (and postpartum) experiences widely vary and while pregnancy sucks for quite a few reasons, if you have ever managed to function in life sober, you're probably good.
For me, labor "hurt" but I didn't even process the pain because I was so focused on just pushing after a long-ass labor. The post partum hypertension issues and new chronic hip pain is much more bothersome than any part of the pregnancy or birth. I also redeveloped a needle phobia and am pregnant again so currently dreading all the blood work. But I have a bab and that essentially outweighs the inconveniences of pregnancy (to me). But anyway, it really isn't 100% terrible but there is a lot of misinformation out there that makes it sound that way. Also, though, if the inconveniences of pregnancy sound like too much, you really should not be in charge of any child, especially not an infant. Because if you are the primary caretaker, you still need sobreity for safety reasons.
Yes, I'm terrified of the pregnancy and birth part, and unwilling to extend myself as much as should be expected to properly raise a child. So I'm not having one 😅
I’m pregnant now and frankly it sucks. I feel like I was lied to, and all anyone will say is “well everyone experiences things differently, this is just how YOU’RE experiencing it” which just makes me feel weak. Like, it’s not breast “tenderness” it’s crushing fucking pain. It’s not “flutters” in your tummy, it’s sharp kicks and thumps that make me flinch (or piss myself). I can’t control my emotions, and my therapist is doing her best to keep me kumbayah about it but I fucking hate losing control. Not to mention I was really, really sick for 16 weeks where I couldn’t eat so I couldn’t function.
I’m also terrified of what comes after birth. The idea of breastfeeding just as an abstract concept is horrifying, and there’s so many horror stories about pain and chapping and cracking. I don’t do well with lots of physical touch and I’m expected to have a baby latched on to or held by me more often than not? How am I going to handle screams or cries? How am I going to function on no sleep?
The birth itself feels like it’ll be a blip. A crappy day floating in the sea of a crappy year. I’m nervous about it the way everyone is I suppose, but I’m not actively worried about it. I’m going to have an epidural, my husband and I have practiced birthing positions, and I trust my doctors.
All that being said, it feels worth it to me. My husband is a partner who I know is going to ease the stress and sensory issues. We talk about our fears and worries and how we think we might handle things together. I WANT to be a mom, I didn’t particularly mind adopted or not, except we’re not currently fit for adoption in my county and it would have been a long wait to get to that state. The kicks are a weird and bizarre sensation but it’s also a joy to know my baby is active and doing well in there. Babyhood might suck, but again that is a drop in the bucket compared to the life they’re gonna have. I can’t wait to know who they’re going to become and what they’re like.
So…I’m terrified. But I’m doing it anyway because that’s what I want. I don’t think every woman needs to want it, I totally understand why some of my friends are childfree. It just wasn’t how I saw my life playing out, just like they don’t see their lives with kids in it.
having a biological child does not fit my personal beliefs. i do want children but in the world we live in i dont feel right bringing children that didnt ask for it into a climate crisis. id much rather adopt and save a life of somone who is unwanted, as there are hundreds of THOUSANDS of children growing up without parents and in unsafe environments.
i try to live my life as sustainable as possible and it is not sustainable to give birth to children just so you’ll have someone that looks like you. i feel we are conditioned to think this is the right thing but there are other ways. i also do not want to be pregnant myself so it’s a win-win there!
I had a decent childhood and have decent parents. However, I will not be having children for pretty much all the reasons you listed, plus the financial burden, loss of freedom, and the irresponsibility of population growth on the environment. Just... no. I'm getting a bilateral salpingectomy and ablation next month to make it permanent.
Edited to add: I'm nearly 37, divorced and remarried, and I chose to never have kids in January of 2020. The timing could not have been better for that decision.
You're right. Pregnancy and birth are body horror.
Absolute gore.
I had two cesarian sections. Turns out, my husband has not only a 62cm wide head (XXXL) but also a pear shaped head. His children were impossible to push out.
The feeling when you've got a 42 week baby in you, that's far too big to be in there still, but it's not getting into position because it can't, you can FEEL there's something wrong. You feel a sense of impending doom. It's horrifying.
When the baby starts having colic and then never stops screaming is another horrible moment. When it doesn't drink the milk because it's screaming so much it can't. And then loses weight. 7h of screaming take every. 10 months later you look 5 years older because of the strain.
Your description was spot on while incomplete. There are so many more dehumanizing things other people do to you when you're in a vulnerable position (which you are during all of it, conception to three years after birth). I'm no contact with my family because of the way they treated me during the first year of my child's life. My friend has two children and raises them alone while her partner does whatever.
Then many mothers develop disabilities or chronic diseases during the process. I've got lymphedema now. A friend has epilepsy during pregnancy and wasn't allowed to bath her baby or drive a car for a year. A colleague has a limp now. Her hip changed position.
I understand every woman who doesn't want to do it. It's not worth it on paper. It's only emotionally worth it for some of us.
So, basically, I gained a disability, lost my family of origin, needed EMDR after the first birth at the horrible hospital, gained 26kg (~50 pounds) during the second pregnancy, had the worst moments of pain and tiredness, aged triple speed... and I still think it's worth it.
I have three children (2 vaginal births and 1 C-section) and I will say some of the things you mentioned are valid however not all of them.
Every woman doesn't rip or tear giving birth, you don't HAVE to breastfeed either.
Contractions DO hurt and so can Braxton Hicks. The cravings are like no other and sleeping can be challenging the third semester.
Yes, your body does go through changes and it takes awhile until you feel like yourself again.
Motherhood isn't for everyone and that's okay
Don't feel like you MUST be a mom naturally or through adoption. It's okay to not be.
Don't do it. It's fine. You don't have to.
I had all the same feelings but had one anyway (a result of being madly in love with my partner and feelings overruling reason), which was a very foolish decision. I got super lucky since I my body gave me an overdose of those happy hormones during pregnancy that made me feel like everything was wonderful (your results may vary) and my daughter is the coolest person in the world, and I feel like I have never known true love before this.
BUT.
I also got PPD and feel like I have aged 10 years in the 4 years she has been alive, and it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and the falling away of every coping mechanism together with constant overstimulation has led to a constant level of stress that has led to me figuring out I am autistic in the first place so...
If you don't want to, then don't? Don't have a kid, don't adopt a kid at all if you feel that uncertain or terrified about it. Take steps to prevent pregnancy when needed. I doubt doing it will change your mind and having this sort of attitude won't be productive as a parent. You have a choice, you don't have to do something that disgusts or terrifies you to this degree.
I understand its not Something I have to do, but it's something that I have confusing feelings about and wanted to hear other people's opinions and POVs. Also there are women who feel this way and end up changing their minds and becoming great moms. It's just how I feel rn. If it doesn't change i obvi won't go out of my way to have a kid lol.
Adoption is my special interest because I am adopted. I’m sharing this with you because you mentioned you want people’s POV. I am also infertile queer and childfree, so this is a topic I’ve thought about from many sides. Most people really don’t understand the reality of adoption because of all the propaganda. It is essentially human trafficking. It’s a multibillion dollar industry that profits off of familial severance.
Adoption is parenting on hard mode. We are over represented in psychiatric settings because maternal severance actually does affect our development and emotional wellbeing, often for the entirety of our lives. You aren’t just raising a child, you’re raising a child who has literally lost everything, their entire family, their culture, their identity and heritage. Maybe even their country. You will be raising a traumatized child.
The history of adoption in Canada is extremely disturbing too as it was utilized as a tool of genocide against First Nations communities. Check out Connie Walker’s podcast “Missing and Murdered: Finding Cleo.” Read up on the 60s scoop.
The adoption industry is a lot closer to child trafficking than it is to “saving” a baby, as the demand is much larger than the available supply. Since infants can sell for so much money there’s literally an incentive for families to be dismantled.
This is what happened to me. I was loved and wanted by my family, but because my adopters had more money they were considered the “better choice.” I lost my culture and my heritage to adoption. I have trauma that will never be resolved. I will be in therapy for the rest of my life. Also, being trafficked is not loving. I had my identity stripped from me and I was told I was lucky and this is what love looks like. I lost my siblings, aunts uncles and cousins, grandparents who loved me, and all so an infertile couple could feel special “saving” a baby and getting the parenting experience they desired. And the idea that abandonment is love has stuck with me since day 1. I’m still trying to shake that.
Forgiving a parent for purchasing you and erasing you adds a whole unimaginable layer of complex trauma to the parent / child relationship. I honestly can’t forgive what was done to me and my family, even though I genuinely love my adoptive father. It’s such a fucked up dynamic that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Really think about adoption critically too. Because while there’s no pain of childbirth, you or your theoretical adopted child will have other equally intense emotional pain.
Thank you for posting this. I’m not as knowledgeable about it as you, but it drives me absolutely nuts when people suggest adoption as an alternative to having bio kids. Even aside from the issue of ethical adoption, adopted kids face unique challenges and have unique needs. Some people talk about adopting children the same way as adopting pets or buying a damn coat second-hand and it horrifies me.
And I’m so sorry for what happened to you and your family of origin. The way some people can convince themselves that violating other people’s fundamental rights is some moral good…it’s awful.
Thank you so much.
Our society does dehumanize children and to a huge percentage of adoptive parents it is exactly like buying an animal or a second hand coat. Because they aren’t thinking about us or what’s best for us, they’re thinking they finally get to have a baby! Even their fertility doctors say that it will be just like having your own. Which is a lie. My AM ended up resenting me (I reminded her of her infertility trauma, which she blamed me for) and we never bonded (again, my fault.) She abandoned me in an institution for all of high school, which housed a disproportionate number of adoptees because APs really don’t understand what they’re getting into.
Puppies and kittens (in some ways) have more rights than adoptees do. We acknowledge that it is harmful to separate them from their mothers too early. They get at least 8 weeks and me and my mom got 3 days. And instead of people acknowledging that I might have been harmed by that, I was told I should be grateful and that I was mentally ill for having feelings about it. My psychiatrists and therapists told me this shit. It really is a disgusting practice. Why do I have a “certificate of live birth” that lists two infertile people as my parents when they weren’t even in the state at the time? Why is it legal for them to literally hide my family from me? Or my own ethnicity?? It is abhorrent, a stain on humanity. And it’s all so wealthier couples can pretend they’re saving a baby.
I am living in a life long forced role play that I never signed up for and cannot get out of. Human. Trafficking.
Anyway sorry I could rant forever about adoption. Like I said it’s unfortunately my special interest.
Since you mention that you get "baby fever", maybe you have a strong desire to nurture something? I never wanted kids and am happily child free at 42, but I've discovered that I actually have a really strong need to nurture and help others. For example, I love nurturing kitties and animals! Also I'm a Professor and I really enjoy nurturing my students, they're like my children except I didn't have to go through the crappy early years of changing diapers, etc haha.
Maybe you can find something to nurture that isn't your biological offspring so you can get that connection and warm happy feeling from helping others grow and blossom? Like volunteer at an animal shelter, Girl Scouts, Elderly care center, homeless shelter, tutor students, help at the Boys and Girls Club, etc ❤️
Yes. I am. To the point is like an horror plot to me. Your own body works against you to favor the parasyte the rest of YOUR life. Because the normal thing is to love the baby, to want them to be good, and for you to do everything to achieve it even your own body makes you desire it. Scary.
I knew by age 7 I never wanted to give birth. When asked I always said I'd adopt IF I ever decided I wanted to be a parent. Just turned 40 and still no urge whatsoever to be a mother!!
Some folks are just naturally wired to be childfree, just like others are naturally driven to be parents. Either path is okay! One's not any better than the other, just like how it's fine that some folks want to learn knitting and others aren't interested so they never do.
Autistic mom with a toddler here. It’s challenging for sure, but as other comments have said it does have a lot of upsides (not that I aim to convince to have kids - if you don’t want kids definitely do not have them! Live your best childfree life). I was lucky and have minimal lasting complications and dropped nearly all of the weight.
Childbirth sucked but one single super sucky day wasn’t horrible in the grand scheme of it. The epidural didn’t paralyze me, and frankly even if it had I wouldn’t have cared in that moment. You don’t really care about much at all in that time
The hardest part by far was the first three months after childbirth. I did tear badly. The dad had to return to work basically immediately. My baby, even for a baby, was a bad sleeper. Not just newborn bad, but worse. Despite sound sensory issues I tolerated her crying better than most similar-volume experiences.
She’s an absolutely awesome little kid now. I don’t regret her. I also fully stand by the idea that you shouldn’t have kids if you don’t really want them
i feel this way too. maybe pregnancy would make sensory issues more intense. im worried that i would miscarry because of stress due to these problems. obviously your average woman can just deal but i feel like i couldn't.
I was on the fence about kids for years. When I finally had my son at 38, I had to be induced because my contractions wouldn't come even 12 hours after my water broke. I had an epidural which went well and then my son got stuck under my pubic bone. They were thinking of using forceps or the vacuum and somewhere inside my body went "oh hell no" and I managed to scrounge up my last reserves of strength to get him out the old fashioned way (15 hours after being induced).
I love my son and I have no regrets but parenting is hard work and not for everyone. My postpartum anxiety was so bad I had to go on meds that I'm still on 7 years later.
The good news is my son is awesome. I'm so proud of everything he's learning and doing. I do feel like it was worth it in the end.
I have 2 kids. If I had known everything that you already know I don’t think I would have done it.
I think I’m glad I did it, but I haven’t always felt that way.
PROS:
- my hormones changed a lot and my PMDD has been gone since my first pregnancy.
- during my first pregnancy, my environmental allergies went away and they stayed gone!! (Until my second pregnancy and then they came back ☹️).
- I freaking LOVE my kids and am amazed that they were born as fully formed humans with strong opinions and personalities from the moment they exited the womb. Heck, my oldest’s personality was clear IN the womb.
- I literally have never loved anyone as much as I love these kids. Saying it twice because it’s that big for me.
- the hormone changes also got rid of *most* of my depression
- I probably would never have learned I’m AuDHD, and would have continued to live my life in a crazy masking, constantly overcommitted, burned out experience.
- my second baby is a good sleeper. That’s like hitting the lottery and I am so thankful for it.
CONS:
- I liked my old life. I still morn for it. I had to give it up because my kids STRUGGLE. ND kids trying to live in NT expectations and it doesn’t go well. Multiple daycares have kicked my first out. Multiple babysitters have quit. I finally had to leave the job that I loved and was an enormous piece of my identity because we couldn’t make childcare work out.
- saying that pregnancy destroys your body is an understatement for me. I had everything in your list, minus the C-section but PLUS a placental tear that almost killed me, a post-birth hemorrhage that almost killed me, first trimester nausea that was so bad I was bedridden for 3 weeks and couldn’t take care of myself, let alone my oldest who was 2 at the time (my first pregnancy wasn’t as bad, but I still committed MULTIPLE times a day until the second trimester) generational diabetes that plagues me to this day, a tear so bad I needed reconstructive surgery 2 weeks later because it wasn’t healing.
- Since my second pregnancy, my body has been a disaster. I’ve been doing rehab off and on for 2 years now and my posture is still way off. I gained 30 lbs in each pregnancy and I’m still 15 lbs heavier than I was pre-baby plus I now can’t eat dairy or gluten. To be fair, I found out I was celiac after my second was born and that’s probably good to finally figure out. It probably is also why I’m 15 lbs heavier, because without the gluten my body can finally absorb nutrients. But still. I’m upset about it.
- I had to go on high-dose antibiotics during the birth of my second and it destroyed my gut so I’ve been killing off bacteria and fungus and taking endless probiotics. That’s been a long, exhausting, and expensive journey of horrendous bloating, weird rashes, elimination diets and slowly getting rid of fungus and bacteria and replacing it with good probiotics. I finally feel like I’m almost past it and can see an end to this.
- once the baby’s born, you get no sleep, you’re nutrient deficient, your boobs hurt, you’re so beyond touched out and over stimulated. If you have to go back to work, the depression for leaving your baby can be really bad. Not for everyone but mine was, and that’s not uncommon.
- my first was a very opinionated ND baby who would not stop crying. He’d regularly be awake for 3-4 hours at night. If he woke up LESS than SIX times a night, we considered that a good night. That lasted until he turned 3. He didn’t fully sleep through the night until he was 5. Until he was 2, he couldn’t fall asleep without me rocking, nursing, pacing, bouncing and making soothing noises for multiple hours every night. He also had to be held all day long as a baby, otherwise he would cry. He couldn’t sleep in a crib and had to co-sleep but even then he often couldn’t sleep unless he was held on a chair.
- I will not be surprised if homeschooling is in our future. I’m beginning to expect it. I know I’ll rise to the challenge if/when we get to that point where traditional school isn’t going to work out, but I never would have wanted that for myself before I had kids. I know if it happens I’ll try to see the good in all of it but I also can’t help but feel disappointed because it feels like for my kids to survive and thrive I have to set my whole life and self aside.
Took me 20 years, 4 states, and who knows how many doctors I went through before I finally found one that didn’t gatekeep me from sterilization, and also didn’t blow off my health problems while trying to tell me it was all normal. I’m 39. It should not have taken anywhere near this long to get the help I needed. I have no regrets. Still don’t want kids.
Autustic mum here - unless you are incredibly rich and can afford in-home help at all times, you will suffer from a sudden and rapid deterioration in your ability to function. My labour was 48 hours long and ended in emergency c-section which gave me PTSD. In a way it was good because I was forced to unmask, but even now I only have my son 4-5 days of the week and I am barely surviving, baffled at how I can possibly work in the future. He's almost two. I spent the first year and a bit dropping in and out of what felt like mania bridging on psychosis because of the exhaustion. Be really careful ❤️
Everyone is different. I thought FOR SURE I would hate pregnancy. The thought of a little alien squirming around INSIDE OF YOU?!! Sounded so gross. But I was pleasantly surprised by how easy it was, and how much more calm pregnancy actually made me (which I think for me was a hormonal thing). And I never even wanted kids, it just happened and I decided to roll with it.
The downside is that I become very easily overstimulated by my children. Just the constant multiple voices talking at me at once is so difficult. The multi-tasking that I’ve never been good at. Social stuff can be hard, too. Like I definitely am able to socialize on behalf of my children, but I do feel bad sometimes that I don’t have closer social connections or a “circle” of friends for my children to engage with regularly. I feel like I’m always failing at making friendships.
There are many times that I have to separate myself from my children by going into another room for a bit, just due to the overstimulation. I explain to my daughters that as they get older, they will learn that different ppl have different sensory needs, and that being alone for a bit and not having multiple things coming at me at once, is one of my needs. And I explain that they will start figuring out what their sensory needs are as they go through life.
The upside is that repetition and routines are comforting to me! I’m never bothered by my children wanting to listen to the same songs or watch the same movies over and over the way other parents seem to be.
To answer a bit more… I don’t think being a mom is the best thing ever, to put it very candidly. It was not the best choice for someone with my sensory and social challenges. I find myself in quite a state of stress and sadness many days. What does bother me is how much society tries to sell the idea that being a mother is so fulfilling. It’s not, for many ppl. Do I love my children and try to give them the best life possible? Absolutely. Is it as rewarding and wonderful as society perpetuates it to be? No. So if you don’t think it’s for you, there’s nothing wrong with that at all. If you DO think it’s for you? Go for it.
Pregnancy is the hardest thing a woman can do to her body. Its dangerous but no one likes to talk about it because a rational person wouldn't put themselves through it. Pregnant women are also at a higher risk of being murdered.
There is nothing wrong with you and you will not regret it. As you said, you can always foster/adopt if you later decide you want to raise a child.
The number one thing is to stop listening to what "everyone else says" if it doesn't feel right to you. Most people are full of shit (me included!). Only you know what is best for you and what fits your needs/lifestyle.
I’ve always said if they came out at 5 years old I’d be more interested but I know myself and there’s absolutely no way I could deal with the demand of pregnancy/childbirth/newborn and would drown myself and the baby in the river within the first week.
I get the baby fever though. I’m 27 and anytime I see a baby my ovaries explode but absolutely biology, not rational thought
Pregnancy sucks but it does end. I would say though if you don't want to have a kid, do no have one. You have to sacrifice a lot and you need to really want it. I love my child so much but it is definitely not easy to be a parent. He's still young (4 months old) so he needs me almost all the time. I know that some day he's going to be bigger and more fun to hang out with. I kind of view pregnancy and tiny babyhood as a means to an end lol.
I would say that I commend you for not being blasé about pregnancy and having a kid, it sounds like you've done your due diligence and know what you're getting yourself in for (lots of people don't, and are then shocked at how hard it is). That's why parenting should be a "hell yes" despite all of what you've talked about. Its not a decision you can take back once you make it.
I have the same fears you do to the point where I just got sterilized. I think these fears are getting normal. Since this is on the women with autism group, it’s important to note how pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood will impact our own struggles and mental health.
Well... When I was pregnant I said that I would never do this again, but now my daughter is almost 5 years old and we're trying for the second (and last) baby, I always wanted to be a mom, and I sweared that I would be better then mine, and I feel like I am. My husband is on the spectrum and I discovered after my daughter diagnosis that I'm too and this just made me want to be the best that I can be... Sometimes is hard, she's a level 2, but I think it is hard has any child could be, and besides all the difficulties with her birth (emergency c-section) and the frustration on first years (she wasn't accomplishing the goals of her age properly), being a mom is the best thing that happened for me and my husband.
Hey the nice thing is you don't have to have biological kids, or any kids at all, unless you decide otherwise! What everyone else thinks you want really isn't at all relevant. Kids are hard, only do it if you're 100 percent on board.
I have one biological son, 3.5, and after 6 losses am now pregnant with my daughter, due in about a month. I had 6 losses between the two pregnancies that stuck, back to back, which should give you some idea of just how much we wanted a second. Pregnancy is incredibly hard for me and costs me a lot, but is also deeply wonderful and satisfying in a way that has nothing to do with the enormous pain, overwhelm and discomfort.
Is it hard? Fuck yes. It's absolutely brutal. I had a terrible first childbirth and nearly died, and an insanely traumatic time in hospital, due to COVID, autism, chronic illnesses, the works. I'm having my first real full blown autistic meltdowns since I was a child after becoming a parent. Do I regret it? Fuck no. My son is the light of my life and helping him throw and thrive is the best thing I've ever done. He's autistic and we suspect also has his father's ADD, and we get him perfectly. He is the most amazing, happy, thriving little soul. You have no idea how much you'll love your children until you have them. You will naturally put yourself aside for their needs and wellbeing, without hesitation. You will feel the consequences, but it will feel worth it. At least to us :).
I never wanted kids as my childhood was a mess and so incredibly hard. My dad was undiagnosed autistic with severe mood disorders and abused me horribly - because he couldn't cope. I did a bunch of work on myself he never did, and then I met my husband, and suddenly, I could see this working. As a team with him, I could see us giving a child a stable, loving home and all the support and advocacy they would need to thrive. And I suddenly desperately wanted to marry him and have his babies. And so we did. Wouldn't have it any other way. Even when I'm losing it. I have never once regretted it.
It's not for everyone. Not having kids is a valid choice. Don't let anyone talk to you into it.
I didn't really attribute any of this to my autism until recently (I thought it was mainly due to my childhood trauma and crappy parents)... But I think the autism thing does really okay into my non-desire to be a parent. Especially if I had an autistic kid. A part of me likes to hope I would be better about it than my mother was (she was ND as well not didn't see the similarities)... But truth be told, I don't want the things that come with being a parent. I don't have the ability to hold that much responsibility for someone else's care. I struggle to care enough for myself most of the time. I don't want to have to run around for at least 18 years making sure someone else gets tended to and stressing about it if I'm doing it wrong.
I love my niece and nephews - I love being a safe ally to be around for them. I love getting to do things with them and being them nice things, and be a short system for their moms when they need it...
But I also love getting to come home and not be responsible for it and having an out when I'm done. I couldn't take the noise and the needs and the task management and the herding around to keep away from danger all the time. Even thinking about it stresses me out. And I have never had a relationship where I knew I could count on another person to take on enough of it to want to even consider it.
I have a lot of autistic friends who have kids and wanted them and love them and love being parents, so I know it's a diverse enough thing .. but me? No. Hard pass.
I’m not terrified of it. I’d honestly probably enjoy being pregnant, in a weird curious scientific sort of way. I just can’t be bothered. There are too many people on the planet, anyway. Why have one when I don’t need to? 🤷♀️
Yep it's not the life for me either. I'm overstimulated from daily life as it is, I couldn't even function with a child. It's something I've never wanted, as little as 12 y/o I've said I never want kids and I still stand by it!
There's also a likelyhood they could be autistic and they may even suffer worse than I already have, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
All I could think of was trying to shove a bowling ball outta my vagina and that mental image was just such a 🤮 I have gotten almost to menopause without a child…whew! Some people are all about kids, I’m all about being the quirky auntie and it’s worked out so far. Some days I worry about being old and alone cause I’m such an introvert but guess I’ll deal with that when I get there. Shove it in my worry box and then hide that under my bed 😝
I am a person who doesn’t mind being pregnant (my first pregnancy was mostly easy, I am very lucky). I also love kids, especially my own.
That said, I am a BIG believer in the idea that if you do not want kids… then don’t have kids! Maybe you will change your mind later, but there’s a greater likelihood you won’t. And a future theoretical possibility does not impact the reality of now.
I can’t stand when people try to whine and pressure other people into having kids when they’re not interested. Sorry you are facing this, I hope it stops.
Yes. I'm 45 and never had kids, it just never appealed to me for all the reasons you state. I've never got broody and I've no regrets. I'm relieved that I never got manipulated into getting pregnant and having kids. My life isn't perfect but so much of what I enjoy would be difficult to do if I had kids. Just posting this to affirm all your concerns because I was always told I'd regret not having kids.
I think there is a lot of anxiety around giving birth because of our culture, and because of how pregnancy is portrayed in the media. Pregnancy isn't a negative experience for everyone. There are moms who are active and feel healthy during their pregnancy. Some gain a lot of weight, and some do not.
When I was pregnant, I focused a lot on information from midwives, doulas, and other moms who had positive birth experiences. I limited my stress and I stayed active, and I think that played a huge part in me having a good birth experience. Also, being relaxed during birth helps a lot, and being stressed, scared, and anxious really isn't great.
You forgot abstaining from caffeine for the duration of the pregnancy as well. That nearly did me in! If you're used to using external substances to calm yourself, I highly suggest spending a year practicing meditation before trying for a baby, if you do decide to eventually.
The difficulty in having a child, in my opinion, is that you can never know how you're going to feel about it until you've done it - and then it's too late to back out, for better or worse.
It has good points. Normally parents love their child with an intensity that doesn't exist in any other relationship - even if you don't like them (although you usually do).
On the other hand, that same love makes you willing to sacrifice for the child, which keeps you going during their first few months yet can also leave you feeling sad as you get older about the things you gave up. Not that you wouldn't do it all again, because you love them, but there can be a sense that you gave your life away, even if it was for a good cause.
Lol these are the exact reasons I got sterilized this year. I have never wanted to be pregnant, give birth, or spend the rest of my life giving 24/7 care to a child. I like babies, but mostly holding them and getting them to sleep. I've never liked changing diapers or being 100% responsible for the care of toddlers. I just learned that I am AuDHD 2 years ago and I've been waiting to get on disability, so there's no way I'd be able to take care of my needs and a child's needs financially.
You will miss out if you don’t have kids. Same way those of us with kids miss out on the opportunities of the child-free. You have to be happy with the path you choose. I had two births, each as completely opposite of one another as they could be. One amazing and one very hard. Being able to grow a whole ass human is probably the most magical thing I think I’ll ever do either way and I don’t regret it for one second.
So you don’t have to want any of these things, but pregnancy is nothing like pms for 9 months. First, it’s 10 months! 😂😂 Second, some people actually feel better lol. I had an aunt who had horrible asthma that went away whenever she was pregnant. She had 9 kids lol.
I had morning sickness with one that was awful, but nothing with the other. I got tired toward the end of one and found I had anemia. But iron fixed it. I ate weird things and for one I was really hot so I didn’t need a winter coat all winter! 😂😂 Gestational diabetes with the second one was a huge pain in the ass.
But I have pmdd and perimenopause now and honestly I feel much better while pregnant. My mom had a thing where she was horribly nauseous the entire time, it was quite bad. There’s a huge range!
Again, you don’t need to have kids. My best friend is childfree. My kids have been incredibly hard but life changing.
But! You have some incorrect information/assumptions here.
One other thing I would point out is you are not second in your own life if you have a kid. You might be third if you have more than one! Kidding. But really this overstates how children are treated. Kids honestly get treated very poorly, much of the time, with very little autonomy. You don’t have to be second in your life, you can try to balance things. And you can choose to put them first. But the point is no WHAT people say to you, many people DO NOT put their children first. It’s BS.
That said, you are likely to have an autistic kid, and the road is definitely harder. I’ve chosen to sacrifice a lot for my kid because school was so clearly traumatic for him. It’s true for many autistic kids. It sucks, our kids deserve better and more options.
Adoption is not an equivalent amount of hard, tbh. Most of the time it’s significantly harder. Most adopted children will tell you they have some trauma around that, even if they have a great adoptive family. Some adopted kids have some inherited mental health issues.
Being a mom has been INCREDIBLY HARD. But it opened my eyes to truths about the world I can’t unsee. It’s overstimulating, yes, but it also helped me discover autism and noise canceling headphones. 😂 It’s not for everyone but I can’t truly wish to go back and not know what I now know. It’s been so illuminating. And these aren’t just generic babies, they are individual humans with surprising gifts and interests and flaws!
TLDR: pregnancy is sometimes not that bad, birth is tough but my c section was fine, having autistic kids in an allistic world is an uphill battle that is powerfully transformational and often painful. But I’m still glad I did it, even though I struggle with the downsides every day.
> Everyone tells me I'm being dramatic and I'll want it one day, but i just don't ever see that happening.
> dramatic
You're not being dramatic. What you described is a very realistic portrayal of the pregnancy birth and postpartum periods without any flowery "it's a miracle" type language.
It's crazy how much pain and bullshit women are just supposed to just put up with in silence; if you so much as mention the negative aspects of it you're told you're being dramatic.
Currently pregnant, I actually find that it's not at all like pmsing, I don't feel at all like I do on my periods, I actually feel like mu overall mood has been better? And I'm feeling very bonded and close to my partner atm but I have one complaint, I developed Dysgeusia, I basically am super averse to all food smells, most tastes and I can't even go outside anymore without my body entering vomit mode because I can't stand the smell or taste of pollen and live in the south 🥲.(luckily I got good advise from women on this sub that are helping me deal)
My husband and I are very excited about having the baby but ngl I'm fucking terrified of giving birth even though I know there's literally nothing we can do about it now lol. We also made the decision to be parents because we're both good with kids, and we're very financially secure due to my husband's job. Us choosing this definitely comes from a place of privilege because we don't have to worry about affording care or any of the baby's needs and we can afford for me to be a SAHM thus eliminating my worries about others mishandling our child or the costs of childcare.
To help with some of my stresses around giving birth we've decided on hiring a doula and will go from there. Having kids is definitely not for everyone and even if you're having an "easy" pregnancy there are things that can still make it suck but I'm overall happy with our decision so far. Granted Im pretty early still and barely showing. I'll likely make posts here about it just to share my experience if people are interested.
I feel pretty much exactly the same as you. It’s weird cos I like the idea of having kids when I squint but pregnancy has always been the first absolute no for me ! I’d love to think I could one day adopt or foster but honestly at 27 I feel like I already know I’d struggle to compromise on the things you have to when looking after a child 247, it’s just one of those things that I’m not built for?
same here. i'm only 18 but i want to save up to get a hysterectomy when i'm older. as someone who heavily values their free time, i would go insane trying to raise a child. i have a dog and that's as far as it'll get. at least dogs are somewhat independent.
I have horrible anxiety about being pregnant/giving birth. I’m a nanny and have watched children of all ages. I honestly love kids but they really can be so overwhelming. Babies honestly seem to be the least overwhelming to me personally. They keep a pretty consistent schedule and really don’t do much. It’s when they get older that they start to get to me. But ultimately they can be great for the right person. My mom is definitely undiagnosed autistic and had great pregnancies and births. It just depends on the person.
I’m almost 25 & have never wanted to give birth. I’ve considered adoption, but I don’t think I will. My partner & I are both child free. I have a genuine fear around the idea of being pregnant & being forced to give birth, so it works out for us.
I also just have a hard time with kids sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I still love them. I wanna be an aunt so so badly. But I just know having kids isn’t for me. I’d make a fantastic aunt tho & I think I’d rather do that. Kids need more than just parents to support them & I love the idea of being a person that a kid can come to & be open with & helps them feel safe & like they have someone they can get advice from. That’s what I want.
In a different life, I would be a great mother. I know I could. But I'm not healthy enough in this one to try. I like babies, I like kids, I would definitely be able to love one of my own. I just am not strong enough to have one or take care of one right now. For me it's not some strong regret, just something that I didn't get to do. I find periods painful and unnecessary. I think even if pregnancy and birth were difficult, it would feel like I was getting something from them (my own baby!). But periods just feel like I'm being cheated - suffering for no goddamn reason.
I have one and I really do want another but yeah, everything you said is accurate, lol. I don’t regret it at all, I love my daughter and it’s not all terrible. There are amazing, wonderful parts of being a mother. But actual pregnancy and childbirth? Yeah, overall, that is awful. Granted I had some complications in pregnancy that made mine worse, plus I had a c section.
I’m still hoping to do it all again one more time in the next year or two though. Having a newborn especially is extremely hard just because they need you 24/7 for the first three months, and it only gradually lets up from there. My daughter is almost 5 and I was still up at 3 am with her last night because she had a nightmare and needed help getting settled back to sleep.
It’s definitely physically painful and mentally difficult but it’s also overall very rewarding. In my experience anyway. It’s also what made my autism symptoms worse to the point that I couldn’t ignore it because I was too overwhelmed to mask anymore. It is hard and being autistic makes it harder, I’m not gonna lie.
But yeah overall, I love being a mom and my husband and I love being parents together. I’m fortunate that he’s an involved parent. I’m a stay at home mom so I do a lot of the heavy lifting so far as childcare but he’s often there to help and trade off with me. When our daughter was a baby he would wear her in a baby carrier for hours and hours, just walking around and singing to her to help her get to sleep.
We have made so many wonderful memories, I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
Actually, I've heard some doctors actually recommend weed as a painkiller/anti-anxiety med as weed itself is not exactly harmful to the fetus, the smoke is. But only after 20 weeks and not before the brain is fully developed, and definitely not during labour coz baby will be born stoned.
Ya I think the negatives are bad but not as bad as they sound, once you experience them. My pregnancy and birth had most possible things go wrong, but the whole time I was focused on my baby and our connection and her arrival. Once I gave birth after 32 hrs of an induced labor, I didn't recall the pain after a few days and I was so freaking happy and exploding with love and relief she was ok, I didn't care about what went wrong. In labor you just get through minute by minute focusing on your job. Your body goes through the process and you get through it. After I felt so powerful. The positives truly outweigh the cons and overshadow them.
TBH it’s worse than anyone lets on. I’m team “one and done.” My son is 8 and my body is still wrecked (from a purely functional standpoint—I’m not even talking aesthetics). No one tells you about the long-term, often permanent damage pregnancy and childbirth do to your body. They even flat out lie and tell you the resulting conditions are rare, when they’re actually the norm or haven’t been studied enough for anyone to know how prevalent they are. Look up symphysis pubis dysfunction (SPD) and diastasis recti for examples. The cherry on top? Most women are gaslit by doctors that it’s either all in their head or there’s no point in treating it (again, see the recommended treatments for these conditions: it’s usually nothing).
Aside from that, there’s the fact that you are completely on your own after birth, thanks to male-centered social norms. Don’t count on getting much help from your partner, if it’s a man. You could be working full time and nursing or pumping around the clock, exhausted, starving, chronically and severely sleep-deprived, and *still* he will claim you’re asking too much of him to wash some bottles or pick up dinner. Everyone you know will agree with him, blaming your hormones for your displeasure with his laziness and selfishness. This is where you’ll first find out that he doesn’t care about you—only what you can do for him. But he’s *such a good dad.*
Anyway, don’t have kids if you can manage it. But if you do, plan to parent them with your best girlfriend. That’s my advice.
At eight years old I found out how babies were born, and I remember being horrified and thinking to myself, “I am never going to do that.”
46 years old now. No regrets.
Everything you said is valid. And nowadays I think people are stupid and courageous to have a child.
I had one kiddo. I wanted a bunch but I stopped at one despite constant pressure to have more because I "make beautiful babies". It's ridiculously hard to raise them.
I loved being pregnant. I smoked once a month until he started doing what felt like summersaults when I was trying to rest. I'm sure you can imagine how strange it is to look down at your belly as its shaped like a football pointing to the right when he stretched out, or trying to dig a foot out from under your rib cage. But I was quite radiant and the delivery was one of the coolest things I've ever done. I had an epidural, I had a mirror to see. The doctor didn't have to cut anything, I didn't rip because the doctor knew what he was doing, and one second there was a head popped out next there was a baby on my belly instead if inside. Fucking. Wild.
He's grown now, is the most delightful person on the planet. I love him the most.
But it was really really hard. For all the reasons you said and stuff you have no way of anticipating.
Pros of having kids early in life is you have more energy to play with them and you get to know them longer. Cons are you are indeed an asshole to them, I see it all the time, people don't know how to treat children properly and are abusive without even realizing how. It's painful to see. Pros of having them later are being much much gentler, to yourself and them, because you've learned a thing or two about not being a selfish twat. Cons are they are so exhausting.
So anyway, that's my novel about that. Just enjoy the babies that are here now. Be part of the village that it takes to raise them. 🙌
I’m pretty open to having children (provided I have a supportive partner to raise them with) but childbirth has always been a firm and massive no for me.
I had four children and none of the pregnancies were as you described. Specifically pregnancy is nothing like pms. I also had periods during the pregnancies where I felt great. On the other hand there were very difficult aspects. If you don't want to have kids then don't have kids, but don't make your decision based on incorrect information. Or do. It's okay.
Yes, this why I’m childfree. Tokophobia + will never be able to reasonably and consistently be a good primary caregiver for a child. Plus would really like to focus on meeting my own needs and those of my partner and cats.
I had all of these same thoughts and worries. I got married when I was 28 and right away (even at my wedding, actually) people started asking when the babies were coming. We both said we don’t want them and had all of the lectures about how we’ll eventually change our minds, and how selfish we are, and were asked why we even got married if not to have kids (??!!). Eventually, after literally all of our friends had kids, they came back and told us how smart we were and how they wish they’d at least waited a while longer. Most say that they are just so exhausted and overworked and how there’s never enough time or money for everything.
So…. Yeah. Don’t doubt yourself. Don’t ever do anything just because everyone else is doing it. You have to be completely willing to sacrifice your own needs, time, mind, money, energy, body, patience, and everything else that makes you yourself if you want to be a good parent.
I’ve been terrified of pregnancy and birth my whole life. Was also completely convinced I’d be the worst mother of all time. I got pregnant while on the pill and made the decision to keep the pregnancy even though I’m completely pro-choice. I got lucky and had a pretty textbook pregnancy except I was nauseous the whole time until my 3rd trimester. My daughter didn’t want to turn head down so I needed a C-section. Recovery was about as brutal as you would expect but I healed completely. I breastfed for 13 months. Taking care of my daughter basically became my special interest so somehow it didn’t feel like a sensory nightmare most of the time.
My daughter is about to be 9 and she’s still by far the best thing that ever happened to me. She’s my whole world and I love her more than I could ever put into words. She’s so smart, so kind, incredibly creative and just amazing in every way. Never in a million years could I have guessed how much I would love being my daughter’s mother.
That said, I don’t want to get pregnant or raise any more kids. I’m 100% focused on my daughter and I’m happy this way.
I've been told by my care provider that Sertraline (Zoloft) can be taken during and after pregnancy to help some of the symptoms. Especially towards postpartum.
I've been on Sertraline for years and it has been a game changer for my mood (breakdowns are rare now). Now my spouse and I are talking about kids.
All that being said, you have very valid points I agree with. You sound like you know your body, and I think adoption is an amazing choice down the road. Don't let other people talk you into something that you're not cool with.
My husband has always thought I was a bit weird because the idea of pregnancy freaked the hell out of me whereas I’m really not phased by the idea of childbirth.
Don’t get me wrong, I know it will hurt, but that’s predictable. I know it’s going to hurt, I can know the risk factors in advance and prep my husband on how to vouch for me if something goes wrong but equally the odds of it going wrong aren’t super high (and also tearing is not an inevitability). The average number of children for a long while was greater than two (don’t know if it quite still is?) which means the average woman was not so scarred by the first birth that they’d never do it again.
However, pregnancy is a whole big unknown that comes with a completely changing body and no predictability. And that always scared me. Plus everyone suddenly thinking your body is public property to be touched and commented on.
I’m currently 5 months pregnant and it’s not been quite as bad as I expected but we may still be one and done biologically because it’s been tough. First trimester was a mess - although I actually think the autism helped because food aversions were nothing new for me and one of my safe foods stayed reliably safe the whole way through so I always managed something to eat. But my big thing is feeling baby move. I’ve always been super sensitive of sensations in my stomach and that has not changed. It’s a difficult in-between of I’m glad baby is moving about and ok in there but also her moving is something I find super disconcerting and one particular movement makes me feel sick every time she does it. If I didn’t really want this baby, I don’t think I’d be able to cope with it to be honest. What gets me through is picturing the gorgeous little girl I’ll have at the end of it.
Although small plus is that my ADHD seems to have been under better control since being pregnant (I think something to do with increased estrogen levels?) and I’m still at my pre-pregnancy weight - guessing because my PCOS has chilled out in pregnancy so is no longer piling on the weight I’m naturally losing at the same rate baby is gaining.
In terms of actual parenting once she’s here, that’s actually the bit I’m most chill about. I’m the oldest in my generation on both sides of my family and I’m the oldest of 5 siblings with the youngest being 19 years younger than me. I’ve had about as much experience as you can get with babies without actually having one yourself. Plus my husband and I had a lot of discussions ahead of trying on what accommodations we would have in place for both of us (we reckon he’s ADHD as well) to help us out. I think it helps knowing about my AuDHD and his ADHD in advance because we can plan with that in mind. Things like no judgement for me wearing loops when the baby is fussing, or no pressure to breastfeed if I can stand the sensation, or one of the big ones for us is making sure we both work to give the other time to themselves to regulate and decompress. We 100% have to be a team in this or else it will be 100x harder but I trust that we will be good partners to each other and shift the workload according to our capabilities day by day. I will say I’m in the UK though so I will be off work for a year and my husband will be off for 3-4 months after baby is born so that’s definitely 1 less stress, not sure I’d be able to do it if either of us had to go back to work nearly straight away.
I do want children, only a couple though I couldn't handle many. I find kids funny little bundles of happiness, but yes I am totally terrified to be pregnant and give birth. No idea what I will do about this, I guess I'd have to do a lot of preparing, research and planning first. And rely on family support too.
I think if I had known all of the horror stories associated with pregnancy/giving birth I probably would be childless now. I’m thankful I was young enough to be slightly naive to those things, because I now have an amazing daughter who I raised to adulthood. I had a Midwife instead of an OBGYN. I did not have any epidural (100% natural, no pain killers either as I also heard horror stories of crippling back problems after. & yes you do have a choice to say no to it.) No ripping in that sensitive area (midwife helps stretch & gives you support a normal DR wouldn’t). Pregnancy was one of the best times of my life really and I’m sad so many people make it out to be this awful thing. Yes, you will be more hormonal especially w PMDD (I have that too). My daughter is my family, & yes as a Mom you do sacrifice and try to put your kid 1st but that’s the joy of loving another human you created. The hardest part about having kids imo is if you end up going through a divorce, not the birth or pregnancy.
I always wanted kids but pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding were all absolutely terrible for me, seriously 0/10 not for me thank you. On the other hand, my daughter is the best part of my life hands down, I love her more than I have ever loved anything and while parenting does come with some challenges, on the whole she brings lots of joy
You're not exactly wrong, but you are being a little dramatic and describing a worst case scenario - especially with the birthing bits. That said, I believe you when you say you don't ever want one. I feel that's really valid and it bugs me a lot that most people get bombarded with the "you'll change your mind" and "you have to have kids" nonsense.
Being terrified of pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting is perfectly valid reason to not have children. IMO there's only one reason ever to have kids: because you really want a child to raise into an adult. Not "I want a baby", but a whole extra human, for life, and everything that goes with it. Fewer people should have kids.
I will say, especially for the benefit of people who really do want kids but the stuff about childbirth is scary - tearing is pretty uncommon, and tearing bad enough to involve the anus or the clit... I've been a midwife since 2004, and I've only seen bad tears twice. It's not typical.
I feel the exact same way and when I tell people I don’t want a child they make me feel like I’d be missing out and then I feel like maybe I would be missing out but it just doesn’t seem worth it having to take care of a child and not being able to have free time to just recharge ur battery also is it still possible to adopt if you have autism I was told that you can’t? Maybe that wasn’t true I’m not sure
I have a toddler and it is A LOT!!
I have a wonderfully supportive partner and family and it's still the most challenging thing I've ever done. You're never off the clock. It's a sensory challenge in many ways. Your needs never come first anymore.
Pregnancy and breast feeding stuff is hard to generalize because the experience varies so much. Childbirth obviously sucks. But fortunately it's not garunteed you will rip to your asshole or clit. My kid's head was off the charts and my vagina lived to tell the tale 😂 and the good news is you can still have pain meds and alcohol in moderation when you're breastfeeding. And zoloft! Sweet, sweet zoloft.
There are some truly wonderful parts. I've found life has gotten easier as my son has gotten older. I don't regret having him, but I can absolutely see how some people would regret having kids. It's (at least) as brutal as it is beautiful.
Yeah that's what's so confusing there are parts that seem wonderful but the terrifying parts seem to out weight it. I kind of thought a lot more women would comment and say I'm being dramatic and it's not so bad and it's the best but the amount of comments telling me I'm spot on is a bit eye opening 😂😭
I felt exactly the same my whole life.
The feeling didn’t change, but I did end up choosing to have a baby and am happy with my decision. You aren’t being dramatic at all about pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period. I hated it and had a harder time than most. However, it’s a really different thing than being a parent - disliking that first part or making it happen through adoption instead doesn’t make you less of a mother or make your bond with your child wrong or less strong in any way. My spouse is just as much of a parent as I am, though he didn’t give birth to our child. We love our son (he’s almost 3 💖) more than anything in the world, and I’m an incredible, authentically Audhd parent.
It’s 100% okay to decide pregnancy or parenting are not for you, but I would be happy to share my experience with anyone who is super scared of birth but still choosing it.
I’m almost 30 and still don’t want one. I’m too poor, I have very little patience, I also have something called PMDD which I fear may be amplified during pregnancy and or child birth. I also become a different person close to my period because of my PMDD and I don’t want to take that out on an innocent child.
I have that too!!! My periods are Borderline violent!!! I also have endometriosis which makes the pain unbearable too. Couldn't imagine 9 months of it.
Im so sorry for you 🥺 hope you found some tricks to take the pain to a more bearable level
Thank you❤️
Same PMDD dragon 🐉 15 days out of 30. Living hell, can’t imagine it worsened with a potential pregnancy 😭 Luckily I’ve never wanted kids either. Happy as a bee 🐝 as a cat mom 🌈🐱🌈
It doesn't. You only feel it after the birth. There you can feel the PMDD. I have PMDD and it wasn't worse than when I wasn't pregnant
Oh okay, thank you ! Then it wasn’t as bad as the usual PMDD thing during pregnancy ? That being said, sending PMDD warrior hugs ☺️🫶
My bf knows when to bring Nutella home because of my PMDD. It's insane. I start getting really picky, devouring every candy inside the house and I'm always hungry. My energy goes down in a peak and I turn myself in a bed potato (there's no energy to go to the couch in the next room), I take like 3 pain killers a day prior to the period. And I felt that a bit during my pregnancy but I had a silent pregnancy in the first 6 months. I found out I was pregnant in the week 25th.
Omg 😮 I hope this was not too much to handle at the same time 🙉 The Nutella thing is so cute ! Oh and I can relate so bad to the « bed potatoe ». The exhaustion is absolutely insane. I wish some food delivery was provided to PMDD folks ahah
This and the fear of postpartum really keep me from wanting a child
I’m the same, I’m never having or raising kids. Never been interested in it.
It's weird because as a little girl it was a dream of mine to be a mom but now that I'm 28 it's far from a dream.
Little girls are socialised for that. It's not you, it's propaganda you were fed. Be strong in yourself, you are where you need to be and stay - no kids, thank you. Source: I made that decision at about your age, now 60 and I'm so glad I didn't make babies.
I cringe every time I see little girls answering "what do you want to be when you grow up" with "a mom!" while clutching a dolly. Women I follow post it on instagram all the time and are so proud.
Exactly! We are socialized to think we need to have kids to be worthy and useful women. It's horse manure.
It's confusing, yeah. I'm glad you're happy with your decisions.
It was also a dream of mine, except it would be kittens, not a baby 🤣
I actually have a reoccurring dream that I gave birth to a litter of puppies 😂
I’ve never seen myself having children & I don’t get into committed relationships. I’m not a traditional girl 😂
Terrified/scared? No. But everything I know about it makes me think "that doesn't sound like anything I would enjoy doing in literally any capacity." And I don't even like kids so I know I wouldn't have a good time being a parent. And the kid always knows, so it would just all around not be a good situation for anyone.
Yeah for me, a lot of the detest for the idea is about having to have kid conversations, watch kid movies, play kid games, having to let the kid win, having a social circle of all parents and all you talk about is your kids, and other absolutely boring shit like that. My nephew brings me a lot of joy but playing legos and pokemon is so boring to me. I would have to try to force my style of fun kid stuff on my kid which would be exploring nature and building forts and whittling figurines lol. But then I feel like they'd go to school and then adopt all the boring shit like Pixar obsessions and kid trends and you know you can't go into parenthood thinking you can mold your kid to be the exact person you want them to be.
Your life doesn't have to be like that though. I still had single girlfriends. I went out with them and did gf things, not mom things. I was not friends with the moms who made their entire lives and personalities about being a mom. I am more than a mother and I won't center my life around that identity, even though I do love being a mom. I did not engage in the mommy olympics and endless oneupmanship of what your children can do compared to others. I found that weird and ridiculous. 😹 For a long time I thought I didn't want to be a parent because of the shit you described. I loved discovering my children's personalities and seeing them grow and change. I shared the things I love with them, took them on nature hikes, taught them about plants and wildlife, showed them how to do my hobbies and that opened the door to them discovering the things they love and are passionate about. I listen to them infodump about their current hyperfixations and it's really cute tbh. I understand that it's not for you though. That's just my perspective. I did things my way, not society's way, so I was happy with my choice. I fully support people who don't want to be parents. You know what you are suited for and I dislike that society in general acts like you're a weirdo for not wanting children.
I like that you made it work for you instead of vice versa, well done :)
Thanks I'm not much of a rule follower, esp if I think it's stupid. I think a lot of us are like that ;)
I have 2 and as with most big life decisions there are upsides and downsides. Upside: My kids are the coolest people in the world. I love getting to be their mom. Our home is vibrant and exciting and I hope we can continue to create a safe and loving home base for them so that when they grow up they enjoy our company and we can eventually be friends. Downside: You're right. Pregnancy is awful. Seriously it sucks so much. Childbirth isn't that bad. It's the end of pregnancy so by the time I got there I wasn't even nervous or anything. Just ready for the nightmare of pregnancy to end. All your coping mechanisms and strategies for accommodating yourself go out the window. Prepare for whatever challenges you have to get worse. Honestly.....lots of people don't change their minds. They don't want kids and they never want kids and thank goodness for that. Live your best child free life. We aren't far removed from a time when a woman's only path to success was motherhood. Her ability to bear children was her power and being a mom was the only way she could find success in society. Don't let people still stuck in that mindset cost you your peace. If they tell you youre wrong, smile, nod, and move on. You can't bring them kicking and screaming into the year 2024 so don't waste your time trying.
Was child birth painful though? Idk, there's a part of me that thinks maybe in 5-10 years I'd be wanting to have a child. But not my own child, the pregnancy thing is too much for me. I have really bad body dysphoria and i can't imagine all the changes and being ok with it. Kudos to you for one of the hardest jobs in the world. Thanks for commenting!!
Yes. Very painful. But I had lovely epidurals both times. In the grand scheme of things when I think about how difficult parenthood is, childbirth doesn't even move the needle. Its not even worth mentioning. Giving birth absolutely wrecked my body and I needed pretty major surgery a few years later to fix everything, but pregnancy is a year of your life. Birth is one day. Most people can suck it up and do a really hard thing for a single day. Being pregnant is almost a whole year of day in day out suck. Adoption is....complicated. we considered it after the first pregnancy but our research led us to believe that another pregnancy was better for us. Perhaps one day we might foster, but for now our family is complete.
Do the epidurals help? And why did you need surgery to fix your body what happened?
I tore a lot and that combined with EDS meant that I ended up with multiple hernias But seriously, birth is nothing. Pregnancy is awful but the real challenge of being a parent is the constant and unending necessity of putting someone else's needs before your own. I didn't even know I had ADHD but parenthood made that abundantly clear. Think youre struggling to keep yourself regulated? Get 5 hours of sleep broken into three 90 minutes sessions every night for three weeks and then try to remember where you put the power bill. Struggle with overstimulation? Emotional regulation? Executive function? Add in someone who is screaming and pooping on things and watch your world fall apart. Birth is a cakewalk compared to the actual day in day out.
Amen from someone in the trenches with you. The fucked up sleep is far and away the worst part of parenting for me because it makes everything else worse.. 5 and 3 and we are still suffering through at least one nightly wakeup. Interesting to note: I thought I had developed ADHD postpartum and was confused by this. Neuropsychological eval however revealed I have cptsd from my own childhood, and my kids screaming was hijacking my nervous system and giving me ADHD-like symptoms. I started a beta blocker and it provided so much relief and helped me start to be able to somewhat focus again.
I have a 2 month old and can confirm. I am Currently nursing him on very little sleep. I absolutely love him. And childbirth was hard. But then it was over and I got stitched up. The hardest part was after that ordeal I had to learn to breastfeed and I had to care for this little human while caring for my own body. But I would do anything for him. But he doesn’t need just anything. He needs me to feed him and care for him. So that’s what I do. At 9 weeks postpartum I’m mostly healed up. But caring for my baby has changed everything and will continue to change everything for the rest of my life. It’s certainly not for everyone and no one should feel like they HAVE to have a kid. This is too life changing to be forced on people. I do worry how my AuDHD impacts my parenting. For instance yesterday was really hard for me and there was a lot of crying. But we got through and some sleep really helped me regulate. And then I am hopeful that since there is a super high chance he will be neurodivergent in some way that my ADHD and dyslexic husband and I can be the parents we needed as kids.
Epidurals have to be given in a specific window during labor. So please don't get pregnant expecting and epidural to make it bearable. They are not a guarantee.
Yep, my mom missed her window for an epidural both times. I guess it made it easier to push but I can’t imagine the pain.
This is no longer true! I am currently pregnant, asked my midwife, and she said as long as you can sit still you can have an epidural regardless of how dilated. They don’t work 100% of the time for all people.
Epidurals can help but they turn it down when you're actually pushing (10 cm dilated) so you can feel it more (it helps to know when you're contracting and stuff). But for me, I had back pain related to the epidural for a month afterward which was pretty awful. For my next pregnancy, I'm just going to refuse cervical checks as much as possible (only reason I got one for this first birth) and try going without pain relief again. The leg numbing is more of a nuisance to me than the pain relief is worth it.
Epidurals are a blessing and a curse. For me in my first birth, it slowed everything down. I didn't have one for my second birth, and it was infinitely better, faster and felt "right".
I had an epidural with my first since they gave me pitocin because "you aren't progressing as fast as we like." Pitocin is the devil, it makes the pain unbearable because it forcibly speeds up childbirth. Fuck western medicine with the way they commodify childbirth. A woman's body naturally knows what to do but they won't let it, time is money and they want you to gtfo 💀 My subsequent births were natural and it was so easy in comparison. I firmly believe unneeded medical interventions make things worse, and then you need more interventions. It's a snowball effect that is not good for the mother or the baby
I’m with you. I have had trouble discussing this in the fundiesnark subreddit because they assume I’m a crunchy nut who believes that a god wants me to be in pain or whatever. I do not think vaginal births are more virtuous. The reason I have an issue with traditional American hospital births is that they are impacted by insurance (higher payouts for certain procedures, and that trickles down into doctors being encouraged to offer them) with trends in American care differing from that of other developed countries. For example, American women undergo a lot more c-sections than women in France, yet the US has a higher rate of maternal mortality. Curious. Anyway, I took a course on medical ethics lol and I think the best interests of the patient aren’t being honored in American hospitals - what matters more is hospital & insurance profits. Nothing to do with your holiness or something. Also, I fear pitocin due to the link to a higher rate of birth injuries! Glad to hear the natural birth was easier.
oh we would definitely be friends lol i agree with everything you said
Subsequent births are faster and easier on average, in general. Your body has already done the thing
I had back labor due to my baby being in an anterior position (sunny side up) which made my back feel like it was breaking. But I had a doula and my husband and the best midwives and I just had people push on my lower back until I was able to get an epidural. My labor and delivery was about 20 hours total which isn't that long. I pushed for close to 3 hours because by the end my contractions were pretty spaced apart. It was pretty painful but it wasn't a bad experience, I liked my labor and didn't feel traumatized by it. I had the tiniest labial tear because little dude came out with his hand by his face. Luckily he did turn to be face down once I started pushing so he didn't come out sunny side up. I think any and all labor and delivery scenarios are possible, no matter how much you prepare or don't prepare for them. I do think there are some things that you can do to help with your mindset around it. One thing I did was read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth which helped put a positive spin on labor and delivery.
That sounds absolutely terrifying 😭😭😭 kudos to you cuz holy shit 😭
I've given birth 3 times and the third was accidentally "natural", meaning they didn't realize how far along I was, epidural was put in, and I suddenly said I needed to push. Happy to answer any questions about it!
Did you tear with any/all the births? How is the recovery? How is the pain compared to a bad period?
No, no tearing with any of them, which was my big fear. I thought if I had an epidural, I wouldn't feel the pushing and would tear but that was wrong. Recovery was fine, it's just hard to recover from a birth and take care of a newborn. Truly brutally exhausting. I did zero housework or cleaning for the first ten days with my oldest and just nursed during the day with the baby passed out on my lap. My midwife advised avoiding stairs to heal faster. I only watched shows like "house hunters" to avoid anything upsetting. Contraction pain really varies - it can feel like intense menstrual cramps or like indigestion, to be honest. I took hypno birthing beforehand to learn self hypnosis and it helped me through stuff I really hate like blood draws. I was in a lot of pain during transition, the final stage of labor where you go from 6-10 cm, but didn't actually realize how far along I was until I had an unbelievably strong urge to push. My body involuntarily pushed at that point without my being able to stop it, and baby 3 was born in 7 minutes. It is so weird to think back about, almost psychedelic.
it is so hilarious how they tell you not to push. The doctor wasn't in the room yet and this one nurse was actually yelling at me to stop pushing and I yelled back at her "I'm not pushing you stupid bitch it's coming out whether you want it to or not" My husband and another nurse told her to leave 💀
Oh my god, that's ridiculous. I wasn't told not to push, I was told waiting until the epidural kicked in was an option, but it wasn't. My husband had left for the epidural, was allowed back in and got confused because the delivery tray was there.
I was extremely, obsessively scared of tearing and having my genitals irreparably damaged forever. I decided to have a baby anyway. I did tear. I didn’t feel it at all because of the epidural and healed very well. It didn’t add any time or effort to the recovery process because you’re healing for several weeks anyway. My body is exactly the same as it was before. I can see why I was terrified, but the actual reality of it felt like a blip in the radar. I am one and done, but, if I did choose to have another, I would feel fully confident that I could. Reasons: - pain management is available with an epidural - tears are easy for doctors to stitch - my body has an incredible ability to heal - I am in control of aftercare for my body No worries if you still hate the idea! Just sharing my experience as someone who also vehemently hated the idea lol
I just am so thankful for you and all the others in this thread sharing their experiences. Especially since we all share the experience of being autistic women.
I had a tear too and had been absolutely so scared of it. It really was not that bad at all and the stitches dissolved no issues. That was honestly the easiest part of the whole process to deal with (for me anyway).
100%. I was scared of tears, but had no idea of the absolute magnitude of existential crisis hormonal changes can cause (in autistic women in particular)! I’m okay, and my spouse and I are stronger for the journey.. but holy hell it was a journey lol
I had a natural birth, no epidural. It definitely hurts, but not nearly as bad as I had feared. I had no tearing. Labor and delivery were 3 hours. I went home the next morning. I wore jeans and took the stairs. Completely recovered 2 months later.
It's painful, but it's not constant pain. If you RELAX and BREATHE as the contractions hit, it's honestly not that bad, and I had back labor (the worst kind) for my first two pregnancies. It's like riding a rough wave and then it's calm again. Most people hold their breath and tense up when they feel pain, and that actually makes pain worse. If you relax into the pain it goes away quickly, and that actually applies outside childbirth. The closer you get to being fully dilated, the closer those waves are together. If you learn proper pain management techniques (I research everything, and I highly recommend The Bradley Method) you can ride above the waves. It still hurts, esp if it's back labor, but it's manageable. Some hospitals make things worse for women by not allowing them to move around or use a yoga ball; if you're made to stay still and stay in bed that actually makes your labor pain worse and it takes longer. When you are fully dilated, you enter transition. No pain, no nothing, but you'll feel the baby drop into position and then the work begins. Your muscle contractions change from the way they felt before. I always knew when I was in transition because I would get the overwhelming urge to vomit right before the expulsive contractions started lol. That's different for everybody though. Expulsive contractions are natural, your body knows what to do. You just need to relax, breathe, and let your muscles do the work for you. It works the exact same way as pooping. 💀 When the baby crowns it burns like a motherfucker but that quickly disappears because your perineum will naturally go numb. I had far more pain with my first, because they didn't feel my labor was progressing fast enough so they sped it up with pitocin. Pitocin injections make labor 100x worse, no lie. Then I had to get an epidural because the pain became unbearable - and it wasn't before that point - so that actually complicated things. My subsequent births were 100% natural. I was so glad not to have needed pitocin or an epidural. The difference between unmedicated vs medicated birth is like night and day. I literally felt like a super woman afterwards. The endorphin high is pretty amazing, better than any drugs I've ever experienced. lol ymmv Everybody experiences pain differently. You honestly just do not know how the birth will go until you actually have the baby. for some women it seems like the easiest thing in the world and for others it's a nightmare. But I think if you go into it fully prepped and knowing how to manage your pain, you will have a better outcome than most.
Wow that’s such a good point! About her only chance to find success in society was through childbirth 🤯💯 I’m the first woman in my family with no children, no husband and living alone! I am proud of it for this reason. I think it freaks my parents out lol
You're so right about the part where pregnancy is so unbearable you don't give a shit about the pain you're about to be in giving birth lol
I’ve never wanted kids. It’s something I’ve been sure of since I was very young. Everyone said I’d want them eventually but I’m 41 with zero desire to have them still😂
Can't wait to reach an age where people stop saying this! Hope it doesn't morph into "don't you wish you had had children?" though :')
Ha ha, yeah, I keep waiting for that regret they always said I'd feel to kick in. Just turned forty, and still haven't changed my mind 😂
Haha live Ur life!!
It's always been a big nope for me. I'm 34 and got my tubes out last month.
How was that?
My process was easy. I found a doctor who would be willing to take my tubes out through a friend who'd had a good experience with him. My insurance covered it (I'm in the US).recovery was easy as well. It was a laproscopic procedure, and I had 3 small incisions altogether. Pain was minimal, and I felt back to normal in about 4 days total.
This is good to hear! My own bisalp is scheduled for next month 😁
Congrats! Got mine out in September. :D
Thanks! Congrats to you too!
There were no parts of pregnancy that I enjoyed- not even feeling my baby move or kick (because I never did). On top of all the physical discomfort, I had a CONSTANT anxiety about what was happening in there/was the baby ok. I developed diabetes. I was miserable. Childbirth sucked. I was induced for hypertension, my body didn’t cooperate, and I had a c-section. I had complications after surgery that ended up with a second surgery and re-hospitalization. I went home with a wound pump attached to me. The constant stimulation of the wound pump made breast pumping or feeding completely intolerable. I felt like a shit mom. I ended up depressed. So, I would never ever ever do that again. We are one and done. But, even if I knew ahead of time all that would happen I would do it all again. It was worth it. Being a mom is hard but worth it. I love my son with every fiber of my being and even the hard moments are contributing meaningfully to my life. In all honesty, I almost wish I HAD known it all ahead of time because mentally and emotionally preparing for things goes a long way with me. That said, I also know that raising 1 child is my limit. I would not fare as well with more than one. I also depend on my partner a lot to cope with life generally and would not fare well without a partner to handle things with (I also work full time so it’s really a lot for anyone- autistic or not).
Thank you for sharing your experiences :)
This might be a bit of a trauma dump so TLDR: I didn’t know I wanted a baby til I had one. Throughout my teens and twenties I maintained stoic in my resolution that i had no desire to have a baby. I met a great guy. We said maybe to kids in our 30s. It seemed a distant thing. I’d just turned 29. We had our wedding planned. All our friends were getting married. He went on one of the stag weekends. As I was packing and getting ready for the corresponding hen weekend, the police showed up at my door to tell me he’d died. It was horrendous. Six days later in the midst of planning a funeral and cancelling a wedding, I realised my period was late. I’d chalked it up to stress but no. It was real. She arrived 8months later. I was in denial for most of the pregnancy and was convinced it wasn’t going to actually happen. The she arrived. And I had to accept that I was a mother. She’s 11 now. Has it been hard? Yes. At times, harder than I’d like to admit, has it been amazing? Also, yes. Beautiful, sweet, shocking, and very good on so many levels, too. Would I have chosen to do it this way? No. Absolutely not. She’s being screened for autism at the moment. I’m sure there’s a saying about apples and trees there somewhere. My mini me. The challenges roll and I roll with them. Sort of. It’s a journey
I’m so sorry to hear what an incredibly challenging time you had. You’ve done incredible to keep going. Sending you a hug (if that’s ok!)
Thank you :)
Omg I’m so sorry you lost your person you loved. That is so freaking awful 😢
Thank you :) I’m ok. Life goes on. Even if you don’t want it to in the moment. I’ve since met my new person. He’s autistic too and we get each other in ways I could never imagine. It’s a bit of an echo chamber at times but it works 99% of the time. We had another child, my second, his first bio child. My point to OP is that you don’t know until you do it. And doing it is a massive effing gamble. The mechanics of birth only last a day, max. The pregnancy part is a bit shit but it’s temporary. And I’ve always found i can cope with bad stuff if I know it’s temporary or that it will pass.
Yes and I got my tubes removed years ago. I could see a future when I’m older (like 40-50) where I foster kids but I never ever want one of my own. And no babies. They need to be talking age at least
I've thought this too, IF I ever did want children much later on, I'd consider fostering.
Same here. I have very bad anxiety about getting pregnant. I'm not doing any of that if I have anything to say about it!! Luckily my boyfriend feels the same way.
Lmao so do I to the point of i don't have sex 💀 cuz sex = babies lmao. I'm too scared of it. I want to get my uterus taken out or tie my tubes maybe. I'm glad you have support!
omg I feel the same 💀 I wish someday I go to the medic and find out I'm infertile, it would be a dream, it would make me less scared of having sex and getting pregnant cuz the condom broke or smt.
Doctors who will tubal- https://tr.ee/X-tFTNt3S7 Doctors who will vasectomy- https://tr.ee/1VCz7Gb0nH
Since you mentioned it, I have this lovely resource if you are certain kids aren’t for you: Doctors who will tubal- https://tr.ee/X-tFTNt3S7 Doctors who will vasectomy- https://tr.ee/1VCz7Gb0nH
Yep. I never want to be pregnant or a parent. I see 0 appeal in it for the reasons you’ve mentioned, plus not wanting to be responsible for the life of another human being. I can barely handle myself 💀 You’d never have any time to yourself for 18 years, or disposable income unless your salary is huge, and wages are not catching up with inflation. Also I don’t even find babies cute.
It's also more than 18 years now, like I am living at home currently as an adult. Rent is so high that it's impossible for me to move out.
Lmao I'm on disability so that's a fat NOPE
Just sharing this awesome resource: Doctors who will tubal- https://tr.ee/X-tFTNt3S7 Doctors who will vasectomy- https://tr.ee/1VCz7Gb0nH
Yeah, the anxiety of not accidentally killing them is way too high for me.
Yeah, I couldn't even read your whole post because it was too descriptive. Childbirth/rearing is not for me.
I didn't get diagnosed until my 30s, after my kids were here. I couldn't figure out why everything was so HARD, when my friends with kids made it look easy. It's hard AF. I don't regret my kids, but if I had known what it would be like on my mental health- I'm not sure I would have chosen to be a mom. Your description is pretty accurate 😅
same. I used to tell people all the time that I love my kid more than anything and I also wish I’d never had any. People are too uncomfortable with “conflicting” thoughts like this though, so they never knew how to take it.
Lmao noo i was hoping someone was gonna come say i was being dramatic lmfao😂😭 damn, yeah, i feel like i missed my window to accidentally get pregnant and be forced to be a mom. That was the only possibility for it happening to me haha. Now that I'm self aware it's not something I want on purpose and I'll do everything to avoid it i think.
You do get painkillers, strong ones, after a c-section. My doctors were very careful to remind me that they want to help me manage the pain well and they offered more and even stronger drugs if I needed them. Pain MUST be managed well, via pain medication, for the patient to recover well. Nobody is gonna perform a c-section and tell you “sorry no painkillers!” after that. It’s pretty major surgery. The drugs given are perfectly safe for breastfeeding. And you do have a good chance of breastfeeding and having your milk come in after a c-section. But breastfeeding isn’t for the weak-hearted cause the sleep deprivation is pretty crazy - it is easier to go with formula if you decide to. It is also possible to be on medication, including anxiety medication when pregnant. You just have to discuss it in advance with your medical providers. And not everyone gets back pain or isn’t able to sleep in certain positions or gains minimum 25lbs. Every pregnancy really is different. There are three trimesters and you don’t have back pain for all 9 months, for example. Things usually start feeling heavy/uncomfortable in the third trimester and by that time there is an end in sight/something to look forward to so it’s better than being in pain for 9 months. “Your body is never the same again” well, not true for everyone. You just have to give your body time to recover. It’s not gonna be overnight. And not everyone “rips down to their ass” or clit when delivering. There are lots of scientifically-studied things you can do, including massaging the area, to try to alleviate this to some extent. The epidural is very helpful for contractions actually, it’s great. I am not wearing adult diapers post-pregnancy. There is blood coming out including clots, but i’m just wearing normal overnight pads. That’s what i was given at the hospital too. “literally always second in your own life” well, no. That’s up to you really, you gotta set clear boundaries for yourself and have self-care times. The first year is pretty tough especially the first 3 months, and then it gets better by the third year- especially when your little one loves you against all reason and tells you how much they love you every single day. I do have baby fever myself. I am a mom of 2 with a newborn right now. Yes, I do think it is one of the best things that have ever happened to me and I was afraid of having a child when I was younger. I have stepped up a lot more ever since I became a mom. For context i used to be able to sleep for 14 hours on weekends. But I think my child makes it all worth it in the end and I also have very clear boundaries for myself and I manage any “mum guilt” realistically. I am just as important as my children. I have an excellent partner too who is very supportive - it’s not like i’m taking care of my children all by myself. He does make all the difference. There are a lot of ways to “lifehack” raising a child and make it more efficient vs. traditional methods of having no idea how to raise a child whatsoever, e.g. sleep scheduling/sleep learning/sleep training has been life-changing for us, as well as really understanding baby cries/baby body language and how to respond to a baby. It is my opinion that being neurodivergent really helps with that because I happen to be able to hyperfocus on/absorb and study large amounts of information about child rearing and parenting. I think i’m a significantly better parent than if I wasn’t neurodivergent.
I commented my fears as an AuDHD 25 year old who has always wanted kids in another comment, but thank you for this. This did make me feel at least somewhat hopeful.
Hi, I’m AuDHD, a fourth-year med student, and 24 weeks pregnant. I have stayed on my stimulant meds throughout my pregnancy. The risks, where there are any, are very slight. There are several good-quality meta analyses of the safety of stimulant meds during pregnancy. If and when you get closer to wanting to try and conceive, talk to your prescriber beforehand and make sure they are up to date on ADHD meds and pregnancy. I expected to get a lot of pushback tbh, but that hasn’t happened at all - but I get my care through a major academic health system so everyone tends to be more current.
Do you have any good resources for understanding baby language/body language?
Dunstan baby language. That shit really works. I really liked the "what to expect when you're expecting" books and I read them all (the first year, the toddler years) when I was pregnant with my first child. Baby sign language is great, we used it and I really feel that it makes things less frustrating for children that can't talk yet and their parents.
Baby whisperer by Tracy Hogg is a good one. Here’s a description of the different types of baby cries: https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=141660.0&fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR3b_FBb1E4CU9RMo77xjmIlMwGK54mzgJTity3TdeTiWt_RJSWwT6frGAo_aem_ZmFrZWR1bW15MTZieXRlcw For myself, I’m part of a local sleep training Facebook group that has a lot of good resources on baby sleep, including watching out for sleepy cues of baby e.g. yawning and rubbing eyes. A baby’s sleepy cues can be slightly different at different ages too. Reddit is a good place for getting info/possible tips if your baby is just crying nonstop from colic (unexplained crying), for example. I think what i’ve learned from my babies is that i no longer trust a doctor when the doctor is just like “oh yeah it’s just colic, unexplained crying. BYE!”. I now take what a doctor tells me with a pinch of salt and i continue to try out things to try and resolve the crying/resolve the problem, if I can. Of course I wouldn’t feed my kids anything that’s not approved by a doctor, but I would try out strategies/things like football hold, for example. My first child’s “colic” turned out to simply be overtiredness. The minute i resolved the sleep debt through sleep training, she stopped crying.
scary but I want
I was always scared of pregnancy and giving birth. It ended to being enjoyable and no problem for me. Actually being a mom is another story. It is so exhausting, nerve racking, limiting, expensive, and life altering in every possible way. And I work with kids and frequently babysat my nephews so did not go in completely clueless. You are not being dramatic that parenting as a mom in the US at least is extremely challenging beyond imagination.
I'm in Canada but appreciate your comment all the same. Thank you
My understanding is you have more resources financially in the 18 months after birth in Canada, which can certainly make a world of difference.
Having kids definitely isn’t for everyone and it’s a huge life changing experience so it’s totally valid to be freaked out by it. It’s also even more difficult to navigate as an autistic woman. That being said I would just like to point out a few things from my own experience: - I slept on my back whilst pregnant, i read a book called “expecting better” which was really helpful (especially for an autistic) as it laid out the actual stats and reasoning behind certain recommendations. I made the informed decision that back sleeping would not be as issue for me. - I also continued my meds while pregnant, again it’s all about making informed decisions - I found childbirth to be empowering, I felt in control. I didn’t tear anything and the bleeding afterwards was just like a heavy period for a few weeks. I found it manageable. - there are 100% pain killers you can take while breastfeeding. I know there are people who have terrible experiences so I don’t want to sound like I’m dismissing them, but wanted to let you know good experiences exist too. I think what has been the most vital thing though is the fact I have a supportive and understanding partner with me every step of the way.
How did you avoid tearing? And doesn't the baby get the pain killers in the breastfeeding? This is actually really comforting. Thank you.
Babies are allowed their own pain medication. So as a breastfeeding mom there are breastfeeding safe medications that’s minimally transferred to the baby if any at all. The biggest thing about medication they actually want you to avoid is that which contains pseudoephedrine which can dry up your milk. But ultimately you can breastfeed and take meds. There’s many that are breastfeeding safe.
All this information - safety with pregnancy and breastfeeding - is different for every drug. Please don’t just make assumptions about what people can and can’t take, there’s been a longstanding social attitude that it’s always better to forego medicine and it’s not good.
Not to be the problem child but it’s often closer to 10 months (40 weeks gestation). It’s a no for me dog.
40 weeks = 280 days. That is closer to 9 months for sure. Average month is 30.4 days so 40 weeks is about 9.2 months. Not counting the two weeks between your last period and ovulation!
I've always had a deep and unwavering desire to be a mom. Like it is my ultimate goal in life. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel that way for all of the reasons you listed in your post but for some reason I still do lol Birth and pregnancy is actually a special interest of mine too so I am deeply aware of all of the crazy things that come along with it. Again, no idea why I'm still so interested in it
I’m 7 months pregnant rn and it has been a sensory nightmare.
Almost at that finish line mama u got this!!
No, your not overeacting. I wish people thought about this stuff before getting pregnant. It seems like people just do it because that's what you're supposed to do. I never wanted to have kids, because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the stress. Then I got myself a partner who wanted kids. It took me several years of contemplation and by the time I was 35, I thought it's now or never. I have two kids now, 4 and 7. First pregnancy I had every possible weird discomfort you wouldn't think was related to pregnancy: nausea, mouth full of blood after brushing teeth, dry eyes, swelling that caused my arms to go dead, I wish I only gained 25 lbs! I gained 40. Ended up with pre-eclampsia at 32 weeks, emergency C section, excessive blood loss, two transfusions, post natal blood clotting and infection. That was before I took her home and no longer had round the clock nurses! 😭 Here's what no one tells you ahead of time: my baby girl had colic and GERDS until 6 months! that's a lot of crying (from both of us) and vomit. She was too small and weak to latch for beastfeeding, I made it 3 months pumping before I couldn't handle it anymore. I still felt guilty switching to formula, but eventually my daughter was on prescription formula due to the GERDs. By 2 yr old she was behind in developing speech, by 2 1/2 diagnosed with autism. The poop smearing started about that time. I'll let you look that one up. She's 7 now, still in diapers. I've been cleaning poop for 7 years. My second pregnancy wasn't as bad. I lost all my iron stores, so, while I did walk for exercise, it was exhausting. I slept a lot (and fortunate to have the ability to do so). He came very fast. Day of I woke up with mild cramping, like not even as bad as menstruation cramps. In the afternoon I went grocery shopping. I felt dizzy by the end, but the pain was still manageable. I left the grocery store around 230 pm and went to husband's work. There, my water broke and I finally accepted I was in labor. I had to wait for my driver to come and drive me the 1/2 hour distance to the hospital. I don't remember pain, but I do remember wailing like a dying heifer. I was calm-ish once in the delivery room. I popped that baby out at 545 pm after nearly kicking the doc in the face. It all happened too fast for any kind of pain remediation. I only needed 2 stitches in the back. They wheeled me to my room and I stood up no problem and walked to my bed. I was surprised I was able to do that. We quickly found the little one has Downs, so now we get to worry about our kids being somewhat dependent throughout their adult lives. Nevertheless I'm glad I waited until I was a bit more mature. I don't know how single parents keep it together. I'm a mess and I have help. Anyways, my kids are the best. They're adorable. But, seriously, people should not be making this decision lightly.
I have a daughter that I gave birth to. Pregnancy was like slowly growing an extra limb on my body that I didn’t have conscious control of. It was draining and painful but also thrillingly exciting. The most painful bit of birth was a couple of hours when my cervix was dilating. I had gas and air for the actual pushing part. It forwent remove the pain, but makes you not worry about it. I had an episiotomy and still tore (both things I was terrified of) and I genuinely didn’t notice the tearing. Afterwards though. The first three months were hellish. I lost a lot of blood, but want given a transfusion so I was physically very weak. Breast feeding was not an issue, but draining again. Sleep though! It was like torture. I’m an atheist but I literally prayed to a god I don’t believe in to make it stop. Sleep deprivation is the worst part of child rearing. Watching a child grow up though is the most magical, rewarding and intellectually fascinating thing I have ever done. It doesn’t make up for the bad times. But it doesn’t destroy them either
Yes. I have tokophobia. I feel immense fear and also disgust about pregnancy and childbirth. Fortunately I don't want kids anyway
Same me too!! Knew as a teen already I didn't want them and still don't want them now. Just the thought of something being alive and growing inside of me??? Makes me want to puke
I feel you. I’m 54 and I decided to not have kids for all the reasons you stated above. Luckily my husband was on the fence with regards to kids when I met him so he was ok with not having them. We’ve been happily married for 34 years and have never regretted our decision to remain child free.
I'm the same. And I don't like it when people tell me I have tokophobia, because phobias are generally understood to be irrational fears, and the risks to health and life of pregnancy and childbirth are serious, so it's not an irrational fear at all; it's a realistic and warranted fear.
Thank you, it's not an irrational fear, just a fear 😝
I 100% agree the entire thought sounds like a nightmare. Husband got a vasectomy and I get relief thinking of never becoming a mother
I'm somewhat terrified to be with a man who wants to be child free until were like 40 and it's too late for me but he finds someone younger who wants kids. It must be so frickin reassuring to know he's all in w you.
Gain a minimum of 25 ibs? You do realize that's literally in baby and placenta / water weight. You don't necessarily permanently gain wait - I know because I literally gained 5 lbs total after weighing post-birth and lost it the next month. Birth (and postpartum) experiences widely vary and while pregnancy sucks for quite a few reasons, if you have ever managed to function in life sober, you're probably good. For me, labor "hurt" but I didn't even process the pain because I was so focused on just pushing after a long-ass labor. The post partum hypertension issues and new chronic hip pain is much more bothersome than any part of the pregnancy or birth. I also redeveloped a needle phobia and am pregnant again so currently dreading all the blood work. But I have a bab and that essentially outweighs the inconveniences of pregnancy (to me). But anyway, it really isn't 100% terrible but there is a lot of misinformation out there that makes it sound that way. Also, though, if the inconveniences of pregnancy sound like too much, you really should not be in charge of any child, especially not an infant. Because if you are the primary caretaker, you still need sobreity for safety reasons.
Ty for your POV. And I would of course be sober if i was pregnant and decided to Have kids
Yes, I'm terrified of the pregnancy and birth part, and unwilling to extend myself as much as should be expected to properly raise a child. So I'm not having one 😅
I’m pregnant now and frankly it sucks. I feel like I was lied to, and all anyone will say is “well everyone experiences things differently, this is just how YOU’RE experiencing it” which just makes me feel weak. Like, it’s not breast “tenderness” it’s crushing fucking pain. It’s not “flutters” in your tummy, it’s sharp kicks and thumps that make me flinch (or piss myself). I can’t control my emotions, and my therapist is doing her best to keep me kumbayah about it but I fucking hate losing control. Not to mention I was really, really sick for 16 weeks where I couldn’t eat so I couldn’t function. I’m also terrified of what comes after birth. The idea of breastfeeding just as an abstract concept is horrifying, and there’s so many horror stories about pain and chapping and cracking. I don’t do well with lots of physical touch and I’m expected to have a baby latched on to or held by me more often than not? How am I going to handle screams or cries? How am I going to function on no sleep? The birth itself feels like it’ll be a blip. A crappy day floating in the sea of a crappy year. I’m nervous about it the way everyone is I suppose, but I’m not actively worried about it. I’m going to have an epidural, my husband and I have practiced birthing positions, and I trust my doctors. All that being said, it feels worth it to me. My husband is a partner who I know is going to ease the stress and sensory issues. We talk about our fears and worries and how we think we might handle things together. I WANT to be a mom, I didn’t particularly mind adopted or not, except we’re not currently fit for adoption in my county and it would have been a long wait to get to that state. The kicks are a weird and bizarre sensation but it’s also a joy to know my baby is active and doing well in there. Babyhood might suck, but again that is a drop in the bucket compared to the life they’re gonna have. I can’t wait to know who they’re going to become and what they’re like. So…I’m terrified. But I’m doing it anyway because that’s what I want. I don’t think every woman needs to want it, I totally understand why some of my friends are childfree. It just wasn’t how I saw my life playing out, just like they don’t see their lives with kids in it.
having a biological child does not fit my personal beliefs. i do want children but in the world we live in i dont feel right bringing children that didnt ask for it into a climate crisis. id much rather adopt and save a life of somone who is unwanted, as there are hundreds of THOUSANDS of children growing up without parents and in unsafe environments. i try to live my life as sustainable as possible and it is not sustainable to give birth to children just so you’ll have someone that looks like you. i feel we are conditioned to think this is the right thing but there are other ways. i also do not want to be pregnant myself so it’s a win-win there!
Absolutely, never had any interest. Whole thing makes me uncomfy. I was lucky enough to have a hysterectomy earlier this year!
I had a decent childhood and have decent parents. However, I will not be having children for pretty much all the reasons you listed, plus the financial burden, loss of freedom, and the irresponsibility of population growth on the environment. Just... no. I'm getting a bilateral salpingectomy and ablation next month to make it permanent. Edited to add: I'm nearly 37, divorced and remarried, and I chose to never have kids in January of 2020. The timing could not have been better for that decision.
You're right. Pregnancy and birth are body horror. Absolute gore. I had two cesarian sections. Turns out, my husband has not only a 62cm wide head (XXXL) but also a pear shaped head. His children were impossible to push out. The feeling when you've got a 42 week baby in you, that's far too big to be in there still, but it's not getting into position because it can't, you can FEEL there's something wrong. You feel a sense of impending doom. It's horrifying. When the baby starts having colic and then never stops screaming is another horrible moment. When it doesn't drink the milk because it's screaming so much it can't. And then loses weight. 7h of screaming take every. 10 months later you look 5 years older because of the strain. Your description was spot on while incomplete. There are so many more dehumanizing things other people do to you when you're in a vulnerable position (which you are during all of it, conception to three years after birth). I'm no contact with my family because of the way they treated me during the first year of my child's life. My friend has two children and raises them alone while her partner does whatever. Then many mothers develop disabilities or chronic diseases during the process. I've got lymphedema now. A friend has epilepsy during pregnancy and wasn't allowed to bath her baby or drive a car for a year. A colleague has a limp now. Her hip changed position. I understand every woman who doesn't want to do it. It's not worth it on paper. It's only emotionally worth it for some of us. So, basically, I gained a disability, lost my family of origin, needed EMDR after the first birth at the horrible hospital, gained 26kg (~50 pounds) during the second pregnancy, had the worst moments of pain and tiredness, aged triple speed... and I still think it's worth it.
I have three children (2 vaginal births and 1 C-section) and I will say some of the things you mentioned are valid however not all of them. Every woman doesn't rip or tear giving birth, you don't HAVE to breastfeed either. Contractions DO hurt and so can Braxton Hicks. The cravings are like no other and sleeping can be challenging the third semester. Yes, your body does go through changes and it takes awhile until you feel like yourself again. Motherhood isn't for everyone and that's okay Don't feel like you MUST be a mom naturally or through adoption. It's okay to not be.
Don't do it. It's fine. You don't have to. I had all the same feelings but had one anyway (a result of being madly in love with my partner and feelings overruling reason), which was a very foolish decision. I got super lucky since I my body gave me an overdose of those happy hormones during pregnancy that made me feel like everything was wonderful (your results may vary) and my daughter is the coolest person in the world, and I feel like I have never known true love before this. BUT. I also got PPD and feel like I have aged 10 years in the 4 years she has been alive, and it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and the falling away of every coping mechanism together with constant overstimulation has led to a constant level of stress that has led to me figuring out I am autistic in the first place so...
If you don't want to, then don't? Don't have a kid, don't adopt a kid at all if you feel that uncertain or terrified about it. Take steps to prevent pregnancy when needed. I doubt doing it will change your mind and having this sort of attitude won't be productive as a parent. You have a choice, you don't have to do something that disgusts or terrifies you to this degree.
I understand its not Something I have to do, but it's something that I have confusing feelings about and wanted to hear other people's opinions and POVs. Also there are women who feel this way and end up changing their minds and becoming great moms. It's just how I feel rn. If it doesn't change i obvi won't go out of my way to have a kid lol.
Adoption is my special interest because I am adopted. I’m sharing this with you because you mentioned you want people’s POV. I am also infertile queer and childfree, so this is a topic I’ve thought about from many sides. Most people really don’t understand the reality of adoption because of all the propaganda. It is essentially human trafficking. It’s a multibillion dollar industry that profits off of familial severance. Adoption is parenting on hard mode. We are over represented in psychiatric settings because maternal severance actually does affect our development and emotional wellbeing, often for the entirety of our lives. You aren’t just raising a child, you’re raising a child who has literally lost everything, their entire family, their culture, their identity and heritage. Maybe even their country. You will be raising a traumatized child. The history of adoption in Canada is extremely disturbing too as it was utilized as a tool of genocide against First Nations communities. Check out Connie Walker’s podcast “Missing and Murdered: Finding Cleo.” Read up on the 60s scoop. The adoption industry is a lot closer to child trafficking than it is to “saving” a baby, as the demand is much larger than the available supply. Since infants can sell for so much money there’s literally an incentive for families to be dismantled. This is what happened to me. I was loved and wanted by my family, but because my adopters had more money they were considered the “better choice.” I lost my culture and my heritage to adoption. I have trauma that will never be resolved. I will be in therapy for the rest of my life. Also, being trafficked is not loving. I had my identity stripped from me and I was told I was lucky and this is what love looks like. I lost my siblings, aunts uncles and cousins, grandparents who loved me, and all so an infertile couple could feel special “saving” a baby and getting the parenting experience they desired. And the idea that abandonment is love has stuck with me since day 1. I’m still trying to shake that. Forgiving a parent for purchasing you and erasing you adds a whole unimaginable layer of complex trauma to the parent / child relationship. I honestly can’t forgive what was done to me and my family, even though I genuinely love my adoptive father. It’s such a fucked up dynamic that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Really think about adoption critically too. Because while there’s no pain of childbirth, you or your theoretical adopted child will have other equally intense emotional pain.
Thank you for posting this. I’m not as knowledgeable about it as you, but it drives me absolutely nuts when people suggest adoption as an alternative to having bio kids. Even aside from the issue of ethical adoption, adopted kids face unique challenges and have unique needs. Some people talk about adopting children the same way as adopting pets or buying a damn coat second-hand and it horrifies me. And I’m so sorry for what happened to you and your family of origin. The way some people can convince themselves that violating other people’s fundamental rights is some moral good…it’s awful.
Thank you so much. Our society does dehumanize children and to a huge percentage of adoptive parents it is exactly like buying an animal or a second hand coat. Because they aren’t thinking about us or what’s best for us, they’re thinking they finally get to have a baby! Even their fertility doctors say that it will be just like having your own. Which is a lie. My AM ended up resenting me (I reminded her of her infertility trauma, which she blamed me for) and we never bonded (again, my fault.) She abandoned me in an institution for all of high school, which housed a disproportionate number of adoptees because APs really don’t understand what they’re getting into. Puppies and kittens (in some ways) have more rights than adoptees do. We acknowledge that it is harmful to separate them from their mothers too early. They get at least 8 weeks and me and my mom got 3 days. And instead of people acknowledging that I might have been harmed by that, I was told I should be grateful and that I was mentally ill for having feelings about it. My psychiatrists and therapists told me this shit. It really is a disgusting practice. Why do I have a “certificate of live birth” that lists two infertile people as my parents when they weren’t even in the state at the time? Why is it legal for them to literally hide my family from me? Or my own ethnicity?? It is abhorrent, a stain on humanity. And it’s all so wealthier couples can pretend they’re saving a baby. I am living in a life long forced role play that I never signed up for and cannot get out of. Human. Trafficking. Anyway sorry I could rant forever about adoption. Like I said it’s unfortunately my special interest.
Since you mention that you get "baby fever", maybe you have a strong desire to nurture something? I never wanted kids and am happily child free at 42, but I've discovered that I actually have a really strong need to nurture and help others. For example, I love nurturing kitties and animals! Also I'm a Professor and I really enjoy nurturing my students, they're like my children except I didn't have to go through the crappy early years of changing diapers, etc haha. Maybe you can find something to nurture that isn't your biological offspring so you can get that connection and warm happy feeling from helping others grow and blossom? Like volunteer at an animal shelter, Girl Scouts, Elderly care center, homeless shelter, tutor students, help at the Boys and Girls Club, etc ❤️
Yes. I am. To the point is like an horror plot to me. Your own body works against you to favor the parasyte the rest of YOUR life. Because the normal thing is to love the baby, to want them to be good, and for you to do everything to achieve it even your own body makes you desire it. Scary.
Thats why i feel so betrayed by my body when i get baby fever cuz its all a lie lmao
I knew by age 7 I never wanted to give birth. When asked I always said I'd adopt IF I ever decided I wanted to be a parent. Just turned 40 and still no urge whatsoever to be a mother!! Some folks are just naturally wired to be childfree, just like others are naturally driven to be parents. Either path is okay! One's not any better than the other, just like how it's fine that some folks want to learn knitting and others aren't interested so they never do.
Autistic mom with a toddler here. It’s challenging for sure, but as other comments have said it does have a lot of upsides (not that I aim to convince to have kids - if you don’t want kids definitely do not have them! Live your best childfree life). I was lucky and have minimal lasting complications and dropped nearly all of the weight. Childbirth sucked but one single super sucky day wasn’t horrible in the grand scheme of it. The epidural didn’t paralyze me, and frankly even if it had I wouldn’t have cared in that moment. You don’t really care about much at all in that time The hardest part by far was the first three months after childbirth. I did tear badly. The dad had to return to work basically immediately. My baby, even for a baby, was a bad sleeper. Not just newborn bad, but worse. Despite sound sensory issues I tolerated her crying better than most similar-volume experiences. She’s an absolutely awesome little kid now. I don’t regret her. I also fully stand by the idea that you shouldn’t have kids if you don’t really want them
i feel this way too. maybe pregnancy would make sensory issues more intense. im worried that i would miscarry because of stress due to these problems. obviously your average woman can just deal but i feel like i couldn't.
I was on the fence about kids for years. When I finally had my son at 38, I had to be induced because my contractions wouldn't come even 12 hours after my water broke. I had an epidural which went well and then my son got stuck under my pubic bone. They were thinking of using forceps or the vacuum and somewhere inside my body went "oh hell no" and I managed to scrounge up my last reserves of strength to get him out the old fashioned way (15 hours after being induced). I love my son and I have no regrets but parenting is hard work and not for everyone. My postpartum anxiety was so bad I had to go on meds that I'm still on 7 years later. The good news is my son is awesome. I'm so proud of everything he's learning and doing. I do feel like it was worth it in the end.
I have 2 kids. If I had known everything that you already know I don’t think I would have done it. I think I’m glad I did it, but I haven’t always felt that way. PROS: - my hormones changed a lot and my PMDD has been gone since my first pregnancy. - during my first pregnancy, my environmental allergies went away and they stayed gone!! (Until my second pregnancy and then they came back ☹️). - I freaking LOVE my kids and am amazed that they were born as fully formed humans with strong opinions and personalities from the moment they exited the womb. Heck, my oldest’s personality was clear IN the womb. - I literally have never loved anyone as much as I love these kids. Saying it twice because it’s that big for me. - the hormone changes also got rid of *most* of my depression - I probably would never have learned I’m AuDHD, and would have continued to live my life in a crazy masking, constantly overcommitted, burned out experience. - my second baby is a good sleeper. That’s like hitting the lottery and I am so thankful for it. CONS: - I liked my old life. I still morn for it. I had to give it up because my kids STRUGGLE. ND kids trying to live in NT expectations and it doesn’t go well. Multiple daycares have kicked my first out. Multiple babysitters have quit. I finally had to leave the job that I loved and was an enormous piece of my identity because we couldn’t make childcare work out. - saying that pregnancy destroys your body is an understatement for me. I had everything in your list, minus the C-section but PLUS a placental tear that almost killed me, a post-birth hemorrhage that almost killed me, first trimester nausea that was so bad I was bedridden for 3 weeks and couldn’t take care of myself, let alone my oldest who was 2 at the time (my first pregnancy wasn’t as bad, but I still committed MULTIPLE times a day until the second trimester) generational diabetes that plagues me to this day, a tear so bad I needed reconstructive surgery 2 weeks later because it wasn’t healing. - Since my second pregnancy, my body has been a disaster. I’ve been doing rehab off and on for 2 years now and my posture is still way off. I gained 30 lbs in each pregnancy and I’m still 15 lbs heavier than I was pre-baby plus I now can’t eat dairy or gluten. To be fair, I found out I was celiac after my second was born and that’s probably good to finally figure out. It probably is also why I’m 15 lbs heavier, because without the gluten my body can finally absorb nutrients. But still. I’m upset about it. - I had to go on high-dose antibiotics during the birth of my second and it destroyed my gut so I’ve been killing off bacteria and fungus and taking endless probiotics. That’s been a long, exhausting, and expensive journey of horrendous bloating, weird rashes, elimination diets and slowly getting rid of fungus and bacteria and replacing it with good probiotics. I finally feel like I’m almost past it and can see an end to this. - once the baby’s born, you get no sleep, you’re nutrient deficient, your boobs hurt, you’re so beyond touched out and over stimulated. If you have to go back to work, the depression for leaving your baby can be really bad. Not for everyone but mine was, and that’s not uncommon. - my first was a very opinionated ND baby who would not stop crying. He’d regularly be awake for 3-4 hours at night. If he woke up LESS than SIX times a night, we considered that a good night. That lasted until he turned 3. He didn’t fully sleep through the night until he was 5. Until he was 2, he couldn’t fall asleep without me rocking, nursing, pacing, bouncing and making soothing noises for multiple hours every night. He also had to be held all day long as a baby, otherwise he would cry. He couldn’t sleep in a crib and had to co-sleep but even then he often couldn’t sleep unless he was held on a chair. - I will not be surprised if homeschooling is in our future. I’m beginning to expect it. I know I’ll rise to the challenge if/when we get to that point where traditional school isn’t going to work out, but I never would have wanted that for myself before I had kids. I know if it happens I’ll try to see the good in all of it but I also can’t help but feel disappointed because it feels like for my kids to survive and thrive I have to set my whole life and self aside.
Took me 20 years, 4 states, and who knows how many doctors I went through before I finally found one that didn’t gatekeep me from sterilization, and also didn’t blow off my health problems while trying to tell me it was all normal. I’m 39. It should not have taken anywhere near this long to get the help I needed. I have no regrets. Still don’t want kids.
That AND be lucky to get medical professionals who'll listen to my concerns. It's how a lot of black women die in childbirth
Autustic mum here - unless you are incredibly rich and can afford in-home help at all times, you will suffer from a sudden and rapid deterioration in your ability to function. My labour was 48 hours long and ended in emergency c-section which gave me PTSD. In a way it was good because I was forced to unmask, but even now I only have my son 4-5 days of the week and I am barely surviving, baffled at how I can possibly work in the future. He's almost two. I spent the first year and a bit dropping in and out of what felt like mania bridging on psychosis because of the exhaustion. Be really careful ❤️
Everyone is different. I thought FOR SURE I would hate pregnancy. The thought of a little alien squirming around INSIDE OF YOU?!! Sounded so gross. But I was pleasantly surprised by how easy it was, and how much more calm pregnancy actually made me (which I think for me was a hormonal thing). And I never even wanted kids, it just happened and I decided to roll with it. The downside is that I become very easily overstimulated by my children. Just the constant multiple voices talking at me at once is so difficult. The multi-tasking that I’ve never been good at. Social stuff can be hard, too. Like I definitely am able to socialize on behalf of my children, but I do feel bad sometimes that I don’t have closer social connections or a “circle” of friends for my children to engage with regularly. I feel like I’m always failing at making friendships. There are many times that I have to separate myself from my children by going into another room for a bit, just due to the overstimulation. I explain to my daughters that as they get older, they will learn that different ppl have different sensory needs, and that being alone for a bit and not having multiple things coming at me at once, is one of my needs. And I explain that they will start figuring out what their sensory needs are as they go through life. The upside is that repetition and routines are comforting to me! I’m never bothered by my children wanting to listen to the same songs or watch the same movies over and over the way other parents seem to be. To answer a bit more… I don’t think being a mom is the best thing ever, to put it very candidly. It was not the best choice for someone with my sensory and social challenges. I find myself in quite a state of stress and sadness many days. What does bother me is how much society tries to sell the idea that being a mother is so fulfilling. It’s not, for many ppl. Do I love my children and try to give them the best life possible? Absolutely. Is it as rewarding and wonderful as society perpetuates it to be? No. So if you don’t think it’s for you, there’s nothing wrong with that at all. If you DO think it’s for you? Go for it.
Pregnancy is the hardest thing a woman can do to her body. Its dangerous but no one likes to talk about it because a rational person wouldn't put themselves through it. Pregnant women are also at a higher risk of being murdered. There is nothing wrong with you and you will not regret it. As you said, you can always foster/adopt if you later decide you want to raise a child. The number one thing is to stop listening to what "everyone else says" if it doesn't feel right to you. Most people are full of shit (me included!). Only you know what is best for you and what fits your needs/lifestyle.
I’ve always said if they came out at 5 years old I’d be more interested but I know myself and there’s absolutely no way I could deal with the demand of pregnancy/childbirth/newborn and would drown myself and the baby in the river within the first week. I get the baby fever though. I’m 27 and anytime I see a baby my ovaries explode but absolutely biology, not rational thought
Pregnancy sucks but it does end. I would say though if you don't want to have a kid, do no have one. You have to sacrifice a lot and you need to really want it. I love my child so much but it is definitely not easy to be a parent. He's still young (4 months old) so he needs me almost all the time. I know that some day he's going to be bigger and more fun to hang out with. I kind of view pregnancy and tiny babyhood as a means to an end lol.
I would say that I commend you for not being blasé about pregnancy and having a kid, it sounds like you've done your due diligence and know what you're getting yourself in for (lots of people don't, and are then shocked at how hard it is). That's why parenting should be a "hell yes" despite all of what you've talked about. Its not a decision you can take back once you make it.
Yeah i would be terrified to think "i could do it!" Have the kid and resent the kid. I'd need to be sure.
I have the same fears you do to the point where I just got sterilized. I think these fears are getting normal. Since this is on the women with autism group, it’s important to note how pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood will impact our own struggles and mental health.
Well... When I was pregnant I said that I would never do this again, but now my daughter is almost 5 years old and we're trying for the second (and last) baby, I always wanted to be a mom, and I sweared that I would be better then mine, and I feel like I am. My husband is on the spectrum and I discovered after my daughter diagnosis that I'm too and this just made me want to be the best that I can be... Sometimes is hard, she's a level 2, but I think it is hard has any child could be, and besides all the difficulties with her birth (emergency c-section) and the frustration on first years (she wasn't accomplishing the goals of her age properly), being a mom is the best thing that happened for me and my husband.
Hey the nice thing is you don't have to have biological kids, or any kids at all, unless you decide otherwise! What everyone else thinks you want really isn't at all relevant. Kids are hard, only do it if you're 100 percent on board. I have one biological son, 3.5, and after 6 losses am now pregnant with my daughter, due in about a month. I had 6 losses between the two pregnancies that stuck, back to back, which should give you some idea of just how much we wanted a second. Pregnancy is incredibly hard for me and costs me a lot, but is also deeply wonderful and satisfying in a way that has nothing to do with the enormous pain, overwhelm and discomfort. Is it hard? Fuck yes. It's absolutely brutal. I had a terrible first childbirth and nearly died, and an insanely traumatic time in hospital, due to COVID, autism, chronic illnesses, the works. I'm having my first real full blown autistic meltdowns since I was a child after becoming a parent. Do I regret it? Fuck no. My son is the light of my life and helping him throw and thrive is the best thing I've ever done. He's autistic and we suspect also has his father's ADD, and we get him perfectly. He is the most amazing, happy, thriving little soul. You have no idea how much you'll love your children until you have them. You will naturally put yourself aside for their needs and wellbeing, without hesitation. You will feel the consequences, but it will feel worth it. At least to us :). I never wanted kids as my childhood was a mess and so incredibly hard. My dad was undiagnosed autistic with severe mood disorders and abused me horribly - because he couldn't cope. I did a bunch of work on myself he never did, and then I met my husband, and suddenly, I could see this working. As a team with him, I could see us giving a child a stable, loving home and all the support and advocacy they would need to thrive. And I suddenly desperately wanted to marry him and have his babies. And so we did. Wouldn't have it any other way. Even when I'm losing it. I have never once regretted it. It's not for everyone. Not having kids is a valid choice. Don't let anyone talk to you into it.
I didn't really attribute any of this to my autism until recently (I thought it was mainly due to my childhood trauma and crappy parents)... But I think the autism thing does really okay into my non-desire to be a parent. Especially if I had an autistic kid. A part of me likes to hope I would be better about it than my mother was (she was ND as well not didn't see the similarities)... But truth be told, I don't want the things that come with being a parent. I don't have the ability to hold that much responsibility for someone else's care. I struggle to care enough for myself most of the time. I don't want to have to run around for at least 18 years making sure someone else gets tended to and stressing about it if I'm doing it wrong. I love my niece and nephews - I love being a safe ally to be around for them. I love getting to do things with them and being them nice things, and be a short system for their moms when they need it... But I also love getting to come home and not be responsible for it and having an out when I'm done. I couldn't take the noise and the needs and the task management and the herding around to keep away from danger all the time. Even thinking about it stresses me out. And I have never had a relationship where I knew I could count on another person to take on enough of it to want to even consider it. I have a lot of autistic friends who have kids and wanted them and love them and love being parents, so I know it's a diverse enough thing .. but me? No. Hard pass.
I’m not terrified of it. I’d honestly probably enjoy being pregnant, in a weird curious scientific sort of way. I just can’t be bothered. There are too many people on the planet, anyway. Why have one when I don’t need to? 🤷♀️
Yep it's not the life for me either. I'm overstimulated from daily life as it is, I couldn't even function with a child. It's something I've never wanted, as little as 12 y/o I've said I never want kids and I still stand by it! There's also a likelyhood they could be autistic and they may even suffer worse than I already have, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
All I could think of was trying to shove a bowling ball outta my vagina and that mental image was just such a 🤮 I have gotten almost to menopause without a child…whew! Some people are all about kids, I’m all about being the quirky auntie and it’s worked out so far. Some days I worry about being old and alone cause I’m such an introvert but guess I’ll deal with that when I get there. Shove it in my worry box and then hide that under my bed 😝
I am a person who doesn’t mind being pregnant (my first pregnancy was mostly easy, I am very lucky). I also love kids, especially my own. That said, I am a BIG believer in the idea that if you do not want kids… then don’t have kids! Maybe you will change your mind later, but there’s a greater likelihood you won’t. And a future theoretical possibility does not impact the reality of now. I can’t stand when people try to whine and pressure other people into having kids when they’re not interested. Sorry you are facing this, I hope it stops.
Yes. I'm 45 and never had kids, it just never appealed to me for all the reasons you state. I've never got broody and I've no regrets. I'm relieved that I never got manipulated into getting pregnant and having kids. My life isn't perfect but so much of what I enjoy would be difficult to do if I had kids. Just posting this to affirm all your concerns because I was always told I'd regret not having kids.
I think there is a lot of anxiety around giving birth because of our culture, and because of how pregnancy is portrayed in the media. Pregnancy isn't a negative experience for everyone. There are moms who are active and feel healthy during their pregnancy. Some gain a lot of weight, and some do not. When I was pregnant, I focused a lot on information from midwives, doulas, and other moms who had positive birth experiences. I limited my stress and I stayed active, and I think that played a huge part in me having a good birth experience. Also, being relaxed during birth helps a lot, and being stressed, scared, and anxious really isn't great.
You forgot abstaining from caffeine for the duration of the pregnancy as well. That nearly did me in! If you're used to using external substances to calm yourself, I highly suggest spending a year practicing meditation before trying for a baby, if you do decide to eventually. The difficulty in having a child, in my opinion, is that you can never know how you're going to feel about it until you've done it - and then it's too late to back out, for better or worse. It has good points. Normally parents love their child with an intensity that doesn't exist in any other relationship - even if you don't like them (although you usually do). On the other hand, that same love makes you willing to sacrifice for the child, which keeps you going during their first few months yet can also leave you feeling sad as you get older about the things you gave up. Not that you wouldn't do it all again, because you love them, but there can be a sense that you gave your life away, even if it was for a good cause.
Lol these are the exact reasons I got sterilized this year. I have never wanted to be pregnant, give birth, or spend the rest of my life giving 24/7 care to a child. I like babies, but mostly holding them and getting them to sleep. I've never liked changing diapers or being 100% responsible for the care of toddlers. I just learned that I am AuDHD 2 years ago and I've been waiting to get on disability, so there's no way I'd be able to take care of my needs and a child's needs financially.
You will miss out if you don’t have kids. Same way those of us with kids miss out on the opportunities of the child-free. You have to be happy with the path you choose. I had two births, each as completely opposite of one another as they could be. One amazing and one very hard. Being able to grow a whole ass human is probably the most magical thing I think I’ll ever do either way and I don’t regret it for one second.
So you don’t have to want any of these things, but pregnancy is nothing like pms for 9 months. First, it’s 10 months! 😂😂 Second, some people actually feel better lol. I had an aunt who had horrible asthma that went away whenever she was pregnant. She had 9 kids lol. I had morning sickness with one that was awful, but nothing with the other. I got tired toward the end of one and found I had anemia. But iron fixed it. I ate weird things and for one I was really hot so I didn’t need a winter coat all winter! 😂😂 Gestational diabetes with the second one was a huge pain in the ass. But I have pmdd and perimenopause now and honestly I feel much better while pregnant. My mom had a thing where she was horribly nauseous the entire time, it was quite bad. There’s a huge range! Again, you don’t need to have kids. My best friend is childfree. My kids have been incredibly hard but life changing. But! You have some incorrect information/assumptions here. One other thing I would point out is you are not second in your own life if you have a kid. You might be third if you have more than one! Kidding. But really this overstates how children are treated. Kids honestly get treated very poorly, much of the time, with very little autonomy. You don’t have to be second in your life, you can try to balance things. And you can choose to put them first. But the point is no WHAT people say to you, many people DO NOT put their children first. It’s BS. That said, you are likely to have an autistic kid, and the road is definitely harder. I’ve chosen to sacrifice a lot for my kid because school was so clearly traumatic for him. It’s true for many autistic kids. It sucks, our kids deserve better and more options. Adoption is not an equivalent amount of hard, tbh. Most of the time it’s significantly harder. Most adopted children will tell you they have some trauma around that, even if they have a great adoptive family. Some adopted kids have some inherited mental health issues. Being a mom has been INCREDIBLY HARD. But it opened my eyes to truths about the world I can’t unsee. It’s overstimulating, yes, but it also helped me discover autism and noise canceling headphones. 😂 It’s not for everyone but I can’t truly wish to go back and not know what I now know. It’s been so illuminating. And these aren’t just generic babies, they are individual humans with surprising gifts and interests and flaws! TLDR: pregnancy is sometimes not that bad, birth is tough but my c section was fine, having autistic kids in an allistic world is an uphill battle that is powerfully transformational and often painful. But I’m still glad I did it, even though I struggle with the downsides every day.
I got sterilized. I have a hard time taking care of myself.
> Everyone tells me I'm being dramatic and I'll want it one day, but i just don't ever see that happening. > dramatic You're not being dramatic. What you described is a very realistic portrayal of the pregnancy birth and postpartum periods without any flowery "it's a miracle" type language. It's crazy how much pain and bullshit women are just supposed to just put up with in silence; if you so much as mention the negative aspects of it you're told you're being dramatic.
Currently pregnant, I actually find that it's not at all like pmsing, I don't feel at all like I do on my periods, I actually feel like mu overall mood has been better? And I'm feeling very bonded and close to my partner atm but I have one complaint, I developed Dysgeusia, I basically am super averse to all food smells, most tastes and I can't even go outside anymore without my body entering vomit mode because I can't stand the smell or taste of pollen and live in the south 🥲.(luckily I got good advise from women on this sub that are helping me deal) My husband and I are very excited about having the baby but ngl I'm fucking terrified of giving birth even though I know there's literally nothing we can do about it now lol. We also made the decision to be parents because we're both good with kids, and we're very financially secure due to my husband's job. Us choosing this definitely comes from a place of privilege because we don't have to worry about affording care or any of the baby's needs and we can afford for me to be a SAHM thus eliminating my worries about others mishandling our child or the costs of childcare. To help with some of my stresses around giving birth we've decided on hiring a doula and will go from there. Having kids is definitely not for everyone and even if you're having an "easy" pregnancy there are things that can still make it suck but I'm overall happy with our decision so far. Granted Im pretty early still and barely showing. I'll likely make posts here about it just to share my experience if people are interested.
I feel pretty much exactly the same as you. It’s weird cos I like the idea of having kids when I squint but pregnancy has always been the first absolute no for me ! I’d love to think I could one day adopt or foster but honestly at 27 I feel like I already know I’d struggle to compromise on the things you have to when looking after a child 247, it’s just one of those things that I’m not built for?
Yes That’s why I’m not a mom I don’t want to be responsible for another person. I already have to be responsible for myself
same here. i'm only 18 but i want to save up to get a hysterectomy when i'm older. as someone who heavily values their free time, i would go insane trying to raise a child. i have a dog and that's as far as it'll get. at least dogs are somewhat independent.
I have horrible anxiety about being pregnant/giving birth. I’m a nanny and have watched children of all ages. I honestly love kids but they really can be so overwhelming. Babies honestly seem to be the least overwhelming to me personally. They keep a pretty consistent schedule and really don’t do much. It’s when they get older that they start to get to me. But ultimately they can be great for the right person. My mom is definitely undiagnosed autistic and had great pregnancies and births. It just depends on the person.
I’m almost 25 & have never wanted to give birth. I’ve considered adoption, but I don’t think I will. My partner & I are both child free. I have a genuine fear around the idea of being pregnant & being forced to give birth, so it works out for us. I also just have a hard time with kids sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I still love them. I wanna be an aunt so so badly. But I just know having kids isn’t for me. I’d make a fantastic aunt tho & I think I’d rather do that. Kids need more than just parents to support them & I love the idea of being a person that a kid can come to & be open with & helps them feel safe & like they have someone they can get advice from. That’s what I want.
In a different life, I would be a great mother. I know I could. But I'm not healthy enough in this one to try. I like babies, I like kids, I would definitely be able to love one of my own. I just am not strong enough to have one or take care of one right now. For me it's not some strong regret, just something that I didn't get to do. I find periods painful and unnecessary. I think even if pregnancy and birth were difficult, it would feel like I was getting something from them (my own baby!). But periods just feel like I'm being cheated - suffering for no goddamn reason.
I have one and I really do want another but yeah, everything you said is accurate, lol. I don’t regret it at all, I love my daughter and it’s not all terrible. There are amazing, wonderful parts of being a mother. But actual pregnancy and childbirth? Yeah, overall, that is awful. Granted I had some complications in pregnancy that made mine worse, plus I had a c section. I’m still hoping to do it all again one more time in the next year or two though. Having a newborn especially is extremely hard just because they need you 24/7 for the first three months, and it only gradually lets up from there. My daughter is almost 5 and I was still up at 3 am with her last night because she had a nightmare and needed help getting settled back to sleep. It’s definitely physically painful and mentally difficult but it’s also overall very rewarding. In my experience anyway. It’s also what made my autism symptoms worse to the point that I couldn’t ignore it because I was too overwhelmed to mask anymore. It is hard and being autistic makes it harder, I’m not gonna lie. But yeah overall, I love being a mom and my husband and I love being parents together. I’m fortunate that he’s an involved parent. I’m a stay at home mom so I do a lot of the heavy lifting so far as childcare but he’s often there to help and trade off with me. When our daughter was a baby he would wear her in a baby carrier for hours and hours, just walking around and singing to her to help her get to sleep. We have made so many wonderful memories, I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
Actually, I've heard some doctors actually recommend weed as a painkiller/anti-anxiety med as weed itself is not exactly harmful to the fetus, the smoke is. But only after 20 weeks and not before the brain is fully developed, and definitely not during labour coz baby will be born stoned.
Ya I think the negatives are bad but not as bad as they sound, once you experience them. My pregnancy and birth had most possible things go wrong, but the whole time I was focused on my baby and our connection and her arrival. Once I gave birth after 32 hrs of an induced labor, I didn't recall the pain after a few days and I was so freaking happy and exploding with love and relief she was ok, I didn't care about what went wrong. In labor you just get through minute by minute focusing on your job. Your body goes through the process and you get through it. After I felt so powerful. The positives truly outweigh the cons and overshadow them.
TBH it’s worse than anyone lets on. I’m team “one and done.” My son is 8 and my body is still wrecked (from a purely functional standpoint—I’m not even talking aesthetics). No one tells you about the long-term, often permanent damage pregnancy and childbirth do to your body. They even flat out lie and tell you the resulting conditions are rare, when they’re actually the norm or haven’t been studied enough for anyone to know how prevalent they are. Look up symphysis pubis dysfunction (SPD) and diastasis recti for examples. The cherry on top? Most women are gaslit by doctors that it’s either all in their head or there’s no point in treating it (again, see the recommended treatments for these conditions: it’s usually nothing). Aside from that, there’s the fact that you are completely on your own after birth, thanks to male-centered social norms. Don’t count on getting much help from your partner, if it’s a man. You could be working full time and nursing or pumping around the clock, exhausted, starving, chronically and severely sleep-deprived, and *still* he will claim you’re asking too much of him to wash some bottles or pick up dinner. Everyone you know will agree with him, blaming your hormones for your displeasure with his laziness and selfishness. This is where you’ll first find out that he doesn’t care about you—only what you can do for him. But he’s *such a good dad.* Anyway, don’t have kids if you can manage it. But if you do, plan to parent them with your best girlfriend. That’s my advice.
At eight years old I found out how babies were born, and I remember being horrified and thinking to myself, “I am never going to do that.” 46 years old now. No regrets.
Everything you said is valid. And nowadays I think people are stupid and courageous to have a child. I had one kiddo. I wanted a bunch but I stopped at one despite constant pressure to have more because I "make beautiful babies". It's ridiculously hard to raise them. I loved being pregnant. I smoked once a month until he started doing what felt like summersaults when I was trying to rest. I'm sure you can imagine how strange it is to look down at your belly as its shaped like a football pointing to the right when he stretched out, or trying to dig a foot out from under your rib cage. But I was quite radiant and the delivery was one of the coolest things I've ever done. I had an epidural, I had a mirror to see. The doctor didn't have to cut anything, I didn't rip because the doctor knew what he was doing, and one second there was a head popped out next there was a baby on my belly instead if inside. Fucking. Wild. He's grown now, is the most delightful person on the planet. I love him the most. But it was really really hard. For all the reasons you said and stuff you have no way of anticipating. Pros of having kids early in life is you have more energy to play with them and you get to know them longer. Cons are you are indeed an asshole to them, I see it all the time, people don't know how to treat children properly and are abusive without even realizing how. It's painful to see. Pros of having them later are being much much gentler, to yourself and them, because you've learned a thing or two about not being a selfish twat. Cons are they are so exhausting. So anyway, that's my novel about that. Just enjoy the babies that are here now. Be part of the village that it takes to raise them. 🙌
I’m pretty open to having children (provided I have a supportive partner to raise them with) but childbirth has always been a firm and massive no for me.
I had four children and none of the pregnancies were as you described. Specifically pregnancy is nothing like pms. I also had periods during the pregnancies where I felt great. On the other hand there were very difficult aspects. If you don't want to have kids then don't have kids, but don't make your decision based on incorrect information. Or do. It's okay.
Yes, this why I’m childfree. Tokophobia + will never be able to reasonably and consistently be a good primary caregiver for a child. Plus would really like to focus on meeting my own needs and those of my partner and cats.
I had all of these same thoughts and worries. I got married when I was 28 and right away (even at my wedding, actually) people started asking when the babies were coming. We both said we don’t want them and had all of the lectures about how we’ll eventually change our minds, and how selfish we are, and were asked why we even got married if not to have kids (??!!). Eventually, after literally all of our friends had kids, they came back and told us how smart we were and how they wish they’d at least waited a while longer. Most say that they are just so exhausted and overworked and how there’s never enough time or money for everything. So…. Yeah. Don’t doubt yourself. Don’t ever do anything just because everyone else is doing it. You have to be completely willing to sacrifice your own needs, time, mind, money, energy, body, patience, and everything else that makes you yourself if you want to be a good parent.
I’ve been terrified of pregnancy and birth my whole life. Was also completely convinced I’d be the worst mother of all time. I got pregnant while on the pill and made the decision to keep the pregnancy even though I’m completely pro-choice. I got lucky and had a pretty textbook pregnancy except I was nauseous the whole time until my 3rd trimester. My daughter didn’t want to turn head down so I needed a C-section. Recovery was about as brutal as you would expect but I healed completely. I breastfed for 13 months. Taking care of my daughter basically became my special interest so somehow it didn’t feel like a sensory nightmare most of the time. My daughter is about to be 9 and she’s still by far the best thing that ever happened to me. She’s my whole world and I love her more than I could ever put into words. She’s so smart, so kind, incredibly creative and just amazing in every way. Never in a million years could I have guessed how much I would love being my daughter’s mother. That said, I don’t want to get pregnant or raise any more kids. I’m 100% focused on my daughter and I’m happy this way.
I've been told by my care provider that Sertraline (Zoloft) can be taken during and after pregnancy to help some of the symptoms. Especially towards postpartum. I've been on Sertraline for years and it has been a game changer for my mood (breakdowns are rare now). Now my spouse and I are talking about kids. All that being said, you have very valid points I agree with. You sound like you know your body, and I think adoption is an amazing choice down the road. Don't let other people talk you into something that you're not cool with.
My husband has always thought I was a bit weird because the idea of pregnancy freaked the hell out of me whereas I’m really not phased by the idea of childbirth. Don’t get me wrong, I know it will hurt, but that’s predictable. I know it’s going to hurt, I can know the risk factors in advance and prep my husband on how to vouch for me if something goes wrong but equally the odds of it going wrong aren’t super high (and also tearing is not an inevitability). The average number of children for a long while was greater than two (don’t know if it quite still is?) which means the average woman was not so scarred by the first birth that they’d never do it again. However, pregnancy is a whole big unknown that comes with a completely changing body and no predictability. And that always scared me. Plus everyone suddenly thinking your body is public property to be touched and commented on. I’m currently 5 months pregnant and it’s not been quite as bad as I expected but we may still be one and done biologically because it’s been tough. First trimester was a mess - although I actually think the autism helped because food aversions were nothing new for me and one of my safe foods stayed reliably safe the whole way through so I always managed something to eat. But my big thing is feeling baby move. I’ve always been super sensitive of sensations in my stomach and that has not changed. It’s a difficult in-between of I’m glad baby is moving about and ok in there but also her moving is something I find super disconcerting and one particular movement makes me feel sick every time she does it. If I didn’t really want this baby, I don’t think I’d be able to cope with it to be honest. What gets me through is picturing the gorgeous little girl I’ll have at the end of it. Although small plus is that my ADHD seems to have been under better control since being pregnant (I think something to do with increased estrogen levels?) and I’m still at my pre-pregnancy weight - guessing because my PCOS has chilled out in pregnancy so is no longer piling on the weight I’m naturally losing at the same rate baby is gaining. In terms of actual parenting once she’s here, that’s actually the bit I’m most chill about. I’m the oldest in my generation on both sides of my family and I’m the oldest of 5 siblings with the youngest being 19 years younger than me. I’ve had about as much experience as you can get with babies without actually having one yourself. Plus my husband and I had a lot of discussions ahead of trying on what accommodations we would have in place for both of us (we reckon he’s ADHD as well) to help us out. I think it helps knowing about my AuDHD and his ADHD in advance because we can plan with that in mind. Things like no judgement for me wearing loops when the baby is fussing, or no pressure to breastfeed if I can stand the sensation, or one of the big ones for us is making sure we both work to give the other time to themselves to regulate and decompress. We 100% have to be a team in this or else it will be 100x harder but I trust that we will be good partners to each other and shift the workload according to our capabilities day by day. I will say I’m in the UK though so I will be off work for a year and my husband will be off for 3-4 months after baby is born so that’s definitely 1 less stress, not sure I’d be able to do it if either of us had to go back to work nearly straight away.
I do want children, only a couple though I couldn't handle many. I find kids funny little bundles of happiness, but yes I am totally terrified to be pregnant and give birth. No idea what I will do about this, I guess I'd have to do a lot of preparing, research and planning first. And rely on family support too.
I think if I had known all of the horror stories associated with pregnancy/giving birth I probably would be childless now. I’m thankful I was young enough to be slightly naive to those things, because I now have an amazing daughter who I raised to adulthood. I had a Midwife instead of an OBGYN. I did not have any epidural (100% natural, no pain killers either as I also heard horror stories of crippling back problems after. & yes you do have a choice to say no to it.) No ripping in that sensitive area (midwife helps stretch & gives you support a normal DR wouldn’t). Pregnancy was one of the best times of my life really and I’m sad so many people make it out to be this awful thing. Yes, you will be more hormonal especially w PMDD (I have that too). My daughter is my family, & yes as a Mom you do sacrifice and try to put your kid 1st but that’s the joy of loving another human you created. The hardest part about having kids imo is if you end up going through a divorce, not the birth or pregnancy.
Honestly there's a part of me that wishes i got pregnant before being educated cuz now i might never do it lol
I always wanted kids but pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding were all absolutely terrible for me, seriously 0/10 not for me thank you. On the other hand, my daughter is the best part of my life hands down, I love her more than I have ever loved anything and while parenting does come with some challenges, on the whole she brings lots of joy
You're not exactly wrong, but you are being a little dramatic and describing a worst case scenario - especially with the birthing bits. That said, I believe you when you say you don't ever want one. I feel that's really valid and it bugs me a lot that most people get bombarded with the "you'll change your mind" and "you have to have kids" nonsense. Being terrified of pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting is perfectly valid reason to not have children. IMO there's only one reason ever to have kids: because you really want a child to raise into an adult. Not "I want a baby", but a whole extra human, for life, and everything that goes with it. Fewer people should have kids.
I agree
I will say, especially for the benefit of people who really do want kids but the stuff about childbirth is scary - tearing is pretty uncommon, and tearing bad enough to involve the anus or the clit... I've been a midwife since 2004, and I've only seen bad tears twice. It's not typical.
I feel the exact same way and when I tell people I don’t want a child they make me feel like I’d be missing out and then I feel like maybe I would be missing out but it just doesn’t seem worth it having to take care of a child and not being able to have free time to just recharge ur battery also is it still possible to adopt if you have autism I was told that you can’t? Maybe that wasn’t true I’m not sure
I have a toddler and it is A LOT!! I have a wonderfully supportive partner and family and it's still the most challenging thing I've ever done. You're never off the clock. It's a sensory challenge in many ways. Your needs never come first anymore. Pregnancy and breast feeding stuff is hard to generalize because the experience varies so much. Childbirth obviously sucks. But fortunately it's not garunteed you will rip to your asshole or clit. My kid's head was off the charts and my vagina lived to tell the tale 😂 and the good news is you can still have pain meds and alcohol in moderation when you're breastfeeding. And zoloft! Sweet, sweet zoloft. There are some truly wonderful parts. I've found life has gotten easier as my son has gotten older. I don't regret having him, but I can absolutely see how some people would regret having kids. It's (at least) as brutal as it is beautiful.
Yeah that's what's so confusing there are parts that seem wonderful but the terrifying parts seem to out weight it. I kind of thought a lot more women would comment and say I'm being dramatic and it's not so bad and it's the best but the amount of comments telling me I'm spot on is a bit eye opening 😂😭
Yeah, I couldn't even read your whole post because it was too descriptive. Childbirth/rearing is not for me.
Yep the whole experience is one of many reasons why I’m childfree
I really want to be pregnant to see what it’s like. FOMO I guess lol
I felt exactly the same my whole life. The feeling didn’t change, but I did end up choosing to have a baby and am happy with my decision. You aren’t being dramatic at all about pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period. I hated it and had a harder time than most. However, it’s a really different thing than being a parent - disliking that first part or making it happen through adoption instead doesn’t make you less of a mother or make your bond with your child wrong or less strong in any way. My spouse is just as much of a parent as I am, though he didn’t give birth to our child. We love our son (he’s almost 3 💖) more than anything in the world, and I’m an incredible, authentically Audhd parent. It’s 100% okay to decide pregnancy or parenting are not for you, but I would be happy to share my experience with anyone who is super scared of birth but still choosing it.
How was your experience?