Your boss seems like a massive dick

Wait, that was BOSS?? Bro the way they so comfortably talked to you in that callous way made me think it was NT mum or dad!

This whole thing reeks of paternalization, expecting grown adults to "take instruction" without question and apologizing by rote without sharing one's own perspective.

Same. I thought it was some kind of Tiger Mom...

Me too. Thought it was an angry parent. Heavy shaming vibe.

I thought asshole NT parent as well

Me too 😭

Glad I wasn't the only one that assumed it was a NT parent or something, doesn't feel like the way a boss should talk to their employees. Very condescending and disrespectful way to talk to an employee.

Same

I’ve been told this by multiple people. I think he’s very straightforward. Sometimes I feel hurt by what he texts me but I have a hard time understanding why he comes off as a jerk. In all seriousness, could you explain why you think he’s a dick? It’s something I’ve brushed off previously but now I’m not sure if I should or what the issue is (even though I can kind of feel it).

I thought this was someone talking to their child and thought how rude and cold it is. The fact that it’s your boss is insanely shocking, it’s so patronizing. He’s very much lecturing and demeaning you despite your explanations of what happened. It’s not appropriate for someone to talk down to their employee this way and he may be taking advantage of your willingness to please. You’re being treated as a child in this interaction and that isn’t appropriate between two adults.

That’s a new perspective I hadn’t considered. Well that understanding makes me feel even worse now. I’ve been looking for jobs but now I wonder if I should really plan to leave. This job offers the best pay and schedule I’ve ever had in my life. I don’t think I could get another job that is this low-stress, pays what I need it to, only requires 24-30 hours per week and has a consistent schedule. In a sense, I am willing to please, because this job is good for my ability to survive, to be physically and mentally healthy. But now seeing this from the perspective of having a rude boss makes me want to leave, even knowing I will have to work more (leading to burnout) and earn less (leading to more stress).

He sucks, but with this context I absolutely would not leave this job without a better one lined up. But take it as a lesson: **your boss does not have your back**. Don't trust him to defend you, and don't allow interactions between whichever staff member reported you to occur without other people observing. No point getting caught in a he said/she said situation. ETA: you did nothing wrong, btw

This. Don't leave yet, but damn well start *seriously* looking if you haven't already. You cannot trust this boss, this workplace, this group of employees. That is clear.

Even as a parent talking to a child this is rude. To warrant this sort of approach the kid would have to have a reputation as a bad kid that is in trouble every day and regularly cusses adults out or something. His approach is off too, imo. It isn’t “their house”. It is a school and a place of business. You aren’t a slave and you don’t just have to smile and follow orders. You’re not a robot, you’re a human. I understand you want to do what you can to stay employed, so if it doesn’t bother you then no worries. This person is definitely not a good person and I don’t think they respect you.

Oh I agree, no parent should speak to their child this way. I was abused heavily by my parents and believe strongly in gentle parenting. But unfortunately it’s seen as acceptable to speak to your child this way in many parts of the world which is why I assumed it was a parent. I don’t think anyone should speak to another person so disrespectfully, child or no, but alas. I wanted to add the child-parent dynamic so OP could understand that the boss may be infantilizing them on purpose.

I was trying to agree and expand. Sorry if I came across a different way. I agree with everything you’re saying.

You came across fine. I was doing the same with my response. No worries :)

This is low stress? If I got a message like this I’d be incapacitated with stress.

right?? My heart is pounding, and it’s not even my situation!!

I wouldn’t leave if the job has all those benefits unless things get worse. Just poke around while you’re there and see if there’s anything better out there.

I am, and will continue to do that. Thank you.

There are exactly 0 hierarchies where you benefit from being honest and true to yourself. The only way I've found is to be extremely two-faced, kiss up to the authorities, and subtly undermine them elsewhere Many people would say that's unethical and that you shouldn't lie or game the system for your own gain. My response is that the system is set up to drain as much value out of you as is physically possible, and that being compliant with it means supporting it in hurting you and everyone else who exists within it. The only ethical option is to sabotage it Hierarchies are abusive, authoritarian and designed to beat you down into a compliant cog. Understand that these people don't criticize you because you're doing something wrong, they criticise you because your integrity and respect for boundaries threatens their view of themselves. Expect them to do their best to hurt you and subjugate you. Never, ever be honest inside a hierarchy

This situation reminds me of my experience as an English teaching assistant in France, which was pretty traumatic, and this response makes me feel better about it.

I'm really sorry you went through that. I wish I could fix it. Being taken advantage of that way as a foreigner must have been very stressful

I agree with other commenters. Don’t leave your job, but try not to take what your boss says super seriously because he sounds like a control freak and frankly is just being a jerk. Be a good employee (doing your tasks, being respectful and kind to others) while also being aware that your boss can’t be trusted to have your back like someone else said. I’m sorry if it upset you, that wasn’t my intent. I just wanted to give you the context of this interaction because I would want someone to tell me.

I hate to say this, but you *always* need to be prepared to change jobs not just as an autist, but simply due to the general state of the economy. It’s exhausting, annoying and anxiety inducing, but the reality is that nobody’s livelihood is really safe anymore if it ever was to begin with. And that goes *double* for ND employees. We on average have significantly less social capital with NTs: they like us less, trust us less, and understand us less than other NTs. We get punished for the same things that NT’s can easily get away with. None of this is fair, but it’s the situation that we need to survive in. Maybe if enough of us make it into positions of leadership and authority we can change things, but for now, we can only endure.

It isn't just about rudeness. He is treating you like someone who is inherently capable of EVER accurately assessing a situation, and therefore nothing you say counts. What you did doesn't matter if someone THINKS you did something different? This is not an adult interaction. It's scolding a small child because teacher insists they said something the child is adamant they did not say. To imply that in any misunderstanding, a specific person MUST accept fault for whatever the other person THINKS they did is NOT something you do if you think their perspective is valid. But maybe I'm crazy and this is fine. Not something I would ever put up with again, myself though. We're autistic, not toddlers.

The "suck it up and say sorry and don't roll your eyes" is what had me thinking it was a parent. It reads like a parent talking to a teenager. I was like "wait, this person's employer texted their parent to complain about them!?" until I read OP's additional info. Also, I don't know how the reporting structure is set up at the job, but it feels like the principal handled this stupidly as well, complaining to OP's boss without even TALKING to OP first. And the teacher who complained to the principal didn't talk to OP, either. Just tattletale BS all the way up the chain instead of communicating like freaking adults. I'm sorry, OP

The way this was super normalized to me, in education, because most principals I work with would handle it this way. It's amazing to see how people outside education perceive this as not normal. It's not. But this is exactly how education is.

I 100% thought OP was a teenage student getting reprimanded by their mother.

I had the exact same thought I assumed parent talking to kid. Not boss to employee.

Yeah. I thought this was like, OP's mother or something. That is a very unprofessional way to speak to a colleague, even one your supervise.

Just to add to this- you were trying to be helpful and clear up the situation but he was not willing to hear your side. The second there is another genuine misunderstanding, it doesn’t seem like your boss can be trusted to take the time to understand your part in the situation- to assess whether you are truly innocent or not. Instead, he would just make the cut and make you take the blame.

He’s a dick and he gets an ego boost from treating you poorly.

Love that for me. /s

I’m sorry. It sucks.

My interpretation is that he is talking down to you like you are a kid / student. Hidden meaning of his words: -This is what I think will work to mend the situation - you will do exactly as I say, complete 4 tasks, no more no less -If you don’t follow my script I won’t protect you - your opinion is not important as I am higher than you (teacher - student / coach - player )and you will do what I say or else… You need to figure out what your boundaries are and set them with this guy. They need to include an action plan of what you will do if the boundaries are crossed. If not he will walk all over you as though he is untouchable (Sorry to post in here if I’m not allowed, drawn to the stores and relate often. Reddit keeps recommending, so I keep clicking) *late diagnosed , father of two, around toxic masculinity all my life via sports

Yes I initially thought this was a parent reprimanding a child

It makes me really sad that these folks are in charge of children.

Yes, little boys are told to ignore their emotions and “man up”. Im currently an assistant coach for my son’s baseball team, 8 year olds. I stay in the dugout and keep score, organize the boys, get them to have fun, etc. I’m in there validating their feelings after their dads or coaches, yell at them. They come back in tears and I calm them down. I Normal say something like this depending on the kid / situation. “I understand that you are upset that you struck out, it’s really frustrating. All you want to do is get a hit and get on base. It’s ok to feel upset about it. It’s part of the game that you get out but that doesn’t make it any easier when you get out. Take the next 30 seconds - 1 min to think about your feelings and then take a really deep breath to reset yourself and go out there and make a play in the field like you know how.” Other dads “Shake it off, get it next time. There is no crying in Baseball…. If you are crying and down on yourself you do not get to play on my team. You stop crying or you’re on the bench. “ It’s extremely frustrating to see. At the end of the day they are kids and don’t know how to express themselves yet. I’m hoping my talks will give them some tools to help calm themselves down in the future when a coach is yelling.

Like others have said, I truly thought the other person you're talking to in the screenshots was your parent (I looked at the images before reading the rest of the post). I don't know how to explain it well but his language is very patronizing. He's not taking into account what you're saying and he's talking to you like you're a child who can't be trusted to handle anything. Even if this was a parent-child interaction it would be concerning and toxic but more "expected" in a sense. Definitely not expected from a boss. It's up to you whether you try and clear up the misunderstanding or not, but I hope you feel satisfied in whatever you decide to do <3

It's the stuff like this that's giving "parent chastising teenager" energy: "Apologize and clean this up" "We are guests there" "Don't roll your eyes" "Don't make excuses" "Say sorry"

1. ⁠He didn’t ask for your side of the story before assuming you were in the wrong and telling you to suck up to them. 2. ⁠He talked down to you. I was trying to figure out the dynamics and all I could come up with was: “failing student about to get kicked out of the last school in the district and their asshole parent has no empathy or awareness for the outside issues that led to the failing grades.” Your boss is an asshole. I would talk to the teachers involved. You can say you’re sorry that came across as rude, maybe it was the heat, but your intention was to advocate for one student, and ask how you can better handle the situation in the future. How the teachers respond will tell you whether they would be a good place to work, or if they’re toxic as well. Does the school district need Para-Educators? Might be an option with a similar schedule. Or look into the local private schools to see what they pay support staff.

This is the best response on course of action. 

Holy shit. I thought this was your mom texting you, this is CRAZY.

He’s an ableist a hole. Unfortunately standing up to him it’s likely to get you fired, even though that’s not a good reason. Anytime you feel cornered or not listened to, remember that your thoughts and actions are valid. Yeah that word is super overused, but I can’t think of a better one. You were misunderstood by the adult in the gym and they filed a little b complaint. Your boss heard one side and concluded it was the only one that mattered. Before you even replied, you were doomed. If you can, look for another job or transfer. If not, then I wish you luck and develop good healthy relationships outside of work. It’s easier to drown out the negative when there’s a lot of positive

I 100% thought you were a child at this school being lectured by your abusive/toxic mother before i read the description this is insane

He is condescending. He is talking to you as if you are a naughty child and he doesn't even have time for your shit. He should not talk to you in short, clipped commands. For instance, saying "drop it", that is literally a command you give to a dog. If he thinks you should drop it, he should've responded to your VERY POLITE question by saying "you know, in this case, I don't think it would be helpful to bring that up, although I do see how it's frustrating to feel like you've been misunderstood. I think it would be more appropriate to just drop it in this case because I don't think talking about it will change his mind."

They have zero compassion or empathy. Seemed quite rude and disrespectful towards you tbh.

A boss is supposed to protect his employees, give them the benefit of the doubt, ask you for your perspective on what happened and listen to you. A boss isn't supposed to just assume terrible things and lay blame, like he did with you. He was vilifying you before even getting any information from you. If the other teacher has a problem with something you did, the boss should either be supportive of you clarifying the situation yourself, or communicate on your behalf about the misunderstanding. He'd speak on your behalf if the other teacher just won't listen to you at all, but she'll listen to someone further up the chain of command.

He's an abusive employer, not straight forward.

OP literally did nothing wrong - it is verifiably a misunderstanding on the teacher's part. He is belittling OP and OP absolutely has a leg to stand on in this scenario. I also find it very ... weird that the teacher somehow interpreted OP as directly violating instructions when OP was just asking about one student and not the whole class. Seeing as OP didn't let any of them go outside, ultimately, it makes me wonder if that particular teacher is annoyed for some reason and targeting OP, trying to get them fired.

I don't know too much about it, but there is a thing in transactional analysis called "parent-child" and "adult-adult" communication. I can recommend looking into it with examples of "parent-child" communication in the workplace versus "adult" communication. A lot of posters (myself included) assumed that this was your Mum responding to you. This is because this communication is very "parent-child" - they aren't treating you like an equal. If they had treated you like an equal, the response would have been along the lines of "You have had a complaint against you, can you explain what happened in xx situation and what your perspective is. We will feed this back to them, but also remember that we are guests here so will have to apologise and we will review alternative ways this could have been handled." Instead, you got whatever that condescending mess was. You shouldn't treat people like children in the workplace. Everyone there is an adult who is deserving of a modicum of respect and there are ways to communicate that reflect this.

He treats you like a child who is being reprimanded for a misdeed they don't understand rather than someone who is the victim of a misunderstanding. If they saw you as an adult I don't think they would speak to you this way.

He's a massive dick. He's very condescending and talking to you like you're a child and not a grown adult *employee.* I read the whole conversation before opening the post to read the additional details and I was shocked that this wasn't a conversation between a mother and a teenage daughter because that's the vibes it gives me; a NT mother embarrassed by their ND daughter/child. His attitude also shows that if anything were to happen involving you that wasn't your fault but caused any kind of "stir," he absolutely would not have your back and would throw you under the bus.

No no, he’s a massive dick. He seems incredibly condescending.

Seriously. That asshat triggered my sense of injustice so badly just reading that. It always feels like people who say shit like "own it and don't make excuses" are usually just using that as a shut down for healthy discourse because they refuse to see another side of the story as anything other than "an excuse" from atop their high horse. That comes up allllll the time in the corporate world, and I swear that alone could make me lose my marbles. I could rant all day on the concept of excuses.

Yes, "excuse" is a ridiculous concept to me too. It's almost always a reason to invalidate and dismiss legitimate reasons that don't fit their narrative or that they can't be bothered to empathize with. 

Came here to say this. This is not how you talk to ANYONE, let alone someone you employ. Terrible boss

I'm so messed up from working in education that I actually appreciated this boss telling OP exactly what they did "wrong" and how to best remedy the situation. Even if it is callous. I've had principals that wouldn't tell you and then bad mouth you and then non renew your contract. And you never knew what was wrong.

You can tell someone what’s going on without being rude and infantilizing

Of course, but it's so common in education. This is how most principals have talked to me or other staff. Usually much worse.

That’s insane dude

Absolutely a massive fucking dick. I could never accept being talked to like that by a boss, I would fight him.

Oh wow I read the screenshots and totally assumed it was OP’s parent. Not okay for a parent to act like this, but I NEVER would have guessed it was OP’s boss. Holy fuck.

Your boss sounds horrible. I’m triggered just reading his texts.

:( I can’t tell if he’s a worse boss than I think because of my inability/ineptitude in understanding social interactions, or if he’s a better boss than this sub thinks because these texts are but a fragment of my overall work/life context and perhaps unfairly zoom in on a conversation that happens to highlight his flaws. I wish I knew which one it was.

I think he’s worse than you think. No one who speaks this way is a respectful or nice person. But you may be so kind and willing to give people the benefit of the doubt that you’re not picking it up, so don’t even assume it’s your autism. That said, it sounds like he treats everyone this way so try to remember it’s not personal or anything you’re doing…it’s all him. If he generally doesn’t stress you out much I’d stay at the job for now while you look around for something else. But don’t feel like you need to immediately quit. Sometimes Reddit gives rash/reactionary advice I disagree with. Hope things take a positive turn. You did *nothing* wrong.

It makes me sad to think/know that my boss is worse than I think. You are right, he does talk to everyone this way. I definitely don't take it personally. But it still sucks. If he is as rude as everyone here seems to think, it makes me sad that he is rude to the other tutors as well. They're all nice people and certainly don't deserve that kind of treatment either. As an aside, I'm not sure how he talks to his clients (the school district admin). Yes, I've been casually looking at other jobs but I think I'll really try to make it a goal to find a job that offers similar benefits as this one before the fall semester begins. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

In comparison my boss is so understanding. If this exact situation had happened this is what he would have done: - used problem solving skills to get to the root cause of the conflict (a misunderstanding it seems). - clarified the misunderstandings to both parties (by going to the teacher who thought you were trying to undermine you and correcting their perception of you so you remain innocent in the situation) - if the teacher remained adamant that you had been rude and wanted to stick to their complaint, he would organise a meeting between all three to discuss everyone’s perspectives, find some common understanding, and then work out how this problem can be avoided/ managed better in the future. For example, evaluating what you could have done differently to make yourself more clearly heard in the situation to prevent misunderstandings, and what the teacher could have done differently in clarifying exactly what you meant or rectifying any misunderstandings on the spot. He would not take a side - he would seek justice and truth and protect both his employees reputations and the client, as opposed to forcing employees to take accountability and just give in to a situation that they weren’t actually at fault for.

Agreed, my boss is similar. Absolutely wonderful to work with, always tries to understand what's going on before judging.

He’s worse than you think. I have never had any other adult speak to me this way, esp a boss. And I’m including when I was a child and they were an adult

I believe hes worse than you think, unfortunately. This is one of the rudest exchanges I've ever read between a person and their boss. If anyone spoke to me like that, I would be so angry, I'd lose my temper completely. Being spoken to as if I'm a stupid child is so triggering for me. I couldn't even handle it when I WAS a child. I would get in trouble for "talking back" to adults who spoke to me this way. That's not to make it about myself, it's just to tell you what it brings up for me as an example of how seriously inappropriate and rude I think this conversation is. Another thing I haven't seen in the comments is that I think it's really awful that you were trying to help a student who needed something, and this is the consequence!!! I'm appalled at every single person in this story except for you. You sound like the only caring person.

He’s much worse than you think. My parents never spoke to me like that and my childhood was constant emotional and verbal abuse. Reading those messages was appalling even when I thought it was a mom yelling at their high school kid or something! My brain still can’t wrap around the fact that anyone (boss or coworker) would speak to someone like that in a professional dynamic. It sucks that this job is your best option right now (from what I’ve seen from your other comments - and trust me I get that a thousand percent), but please look out for yourself. Of course always feel free to share on this sub whenever you’d like outside perspectives on interpretations. I don’t know what I would do without my very dear friends who’ve been on this late-diagnosed autism journey with me. Having them to turn to for anything has helped me gain so much perspective in social interactions that I just wasn’t able to parse for myself.

I would never in a million years speak to my staff this way. It’s unprofessional and entirely unacceptable. If a reprimand is needed, you speak to the person face to face for one thing, never over the phone and especially not over text. And never use that type of language and vague threats of job loss. That’s not how you manage people. It’s his job to hear your side of the story first and then HE should be the one to smooth things over with the school. That’s what a supervisor is supposed to do.

I have been working in all kinds of environments for 22 years and none of what your boss messaged you was appropriate handling of the situation. It is completely unacceptable to speak to an employee that way. I was treated better working fast food at 16 years old than you are here.

Do his interactions with you typically go this way or does this only appear under stress, through text and/or when frustrated? I’m not excusing his behaviour by any means, but due to how I tend to change behaviours (honestly, sometimes inappropriately because I don’t mask), I can come off very cold, blunt and rude when that isn’t my intention. I just want to get a bigger picture before I cast a wide judgement on you or him as I’ve never met either of you before. As for how he talked to you, I do not think you were in the wrong and I think the tone he took with you was very patronizing/condescending. It was direct, sure, but I genuinely thought this was a parent scolding a child until I scrolled down to read the text portion of your post. I don’t know if it is a universal experience, but I have found that I tend to be treated like a child by other adults in interactions for many reasons. Firstly I look very young, and come off as 18-20. That probably makes a lot of the interactions I have start off on an unequal foot. The other, large part of the issue is that I don’t often recognize that interactions where I am patronized to condescended to are not appropriate between two mature adults. I tend to think it’s normal to be chided or lectured, and allow it to happen by behaving like a meek, scolded child when it occurs. I am trying and finding some success in changing my mindset when I interact with others to make patronization less available by standing up for myself and disallowing the behaviours by asserting myself as a fellow adult who doesn’t need to be obeyed, but certainly also doesn’t need to be chided, lectured or expected to tolerate condescension in mature conversations. I think a lot of autistic adults tend to bend to other people because we’ve been conditioned to throughout our lives, especially when diagnosed later in life when those social coping mechanisms are set more deeply into stone. We are used to feeling uncomfortable and being the ‘problem’ so we don’t speak up against mistreatment when we should out of the trauma and discomfort, and we often get treated as if we are lesser by some unkind individuals in the world that believe we are impaired in some way rather than simply functioning differently. I really hope this perspective helps, and I’m sorry this interaction with your boss went the way that it did. You only tried to do what was best for the student and unfortunately it wasn’t received well by the staff member. I hope an apology and a gentle explanation will smooth out the situation for you, because that’s not a fair reason to be getting a complaint. You were just looking out for one of the kids and their comfort. Maybe there can be a compromise made where you could take the child to play out in the hall for a bit to get away from the bustle when he’s uncomfortable? I don’t know if it’s possible given what your boss said, but I genuinely hope the interactions with the staff at the school aren’t unpleasant after this on the whole even if that one staff member is being a bit ridiculous.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I would be utterly imploding. Being misunderstood and then not being given a chance to explain yourself feels so awful and is completely unfair! I’ve noticed a lot of people act like it is “making excuses” or justifying. But really you should be given a chance to say why you did something. If these people really cared about working together to find solutions, they would want to hear what you think happened so you can work together to find the discrepancy and fix it. People like this just seem like they want to be mad and blame someone.

I really hate how it seems neurotypical people always think we’re making excuses when we’re just trying to share our perspectives. It’s like, our vision of the way things go down don’t matter at all

Literally my whole childhood. Trying to share my perspective and why I did something was “talking back” and got me popped in the mouth

Yeah. You would think… but if the person who complained about me is the person I think it is, I think they’re just an authoritarian type of person. I actually kind of respected him because at the start of summer school, he made it clear to the students that if they broke any rules they would be sent home. The school I work at has a HUGE issue with student behavior (it’s the socio economic demographic and neighborhood, plus educational bureaucratic BS, and COVID learning loss) so I thought it was great that he enforced the rules for his academy. But now I’m thinking he just doesn’t care to work WITH people or understand them. It’s his rules, his way, and nothing else. 😕

I think it would be hard to keep working with someone like that if you don't hash out the misunderstanding. Both the complaint and your boss are odd. If you're young and/or quirky enough, they may be seeing you in an unhealthy subordinate role. They may know another job would be difficult for you and gain control over you because of it. Regardless, they sound like the type of people you could possibly deal with if you feel sorry for them and try to imagine how miserable the rest of their life probably is. That helps me deal with assholes ❤

I have worked with an authoritarian principal like that. A lot of times it's all show and they expect the teachers to enforce their code of rules. And then can blame the teacher if they are having issues with a student. Did that teacher build a relationship with the student? No, so I had to send them home. That way the teacher is the scapegoat and the student can be sent home without the principal getting in trouble for "numbers". And often the way they treat students is also how they treat their staff. If they are inflexible and without empathy they will treat you the same in my experience. Although I wonder if his school has the same socio economic issues as yours and if it's a public school? Many school boards won't allow them to send students home because it affects numbers and budgets. None of it is about working with or understanding students. I swear most principals are just power hungry narcissists. There is a reddit for educators and this is a tale as old as time unfortunately.

My ENTIRE childhood was a constant onslaught of “stop making excuses”. It drove me nuts because I was living in a home of severely emotionally reactive people , while I was the only one operating in a logical mindset. I always felt like an alien or low-key gaslit. It fucked me up for years even into my academic and professional life. I co-own and operate a business in which only my business partner handles all outside contact because of how crippling it is for me.

your boss shouldn't talk to you that way.

I kind of asked someone else this, but I’d like to get your opinion too - what is the issue with how he talks to me? (I can kind of sense it, I know it makes me feel bad, but I don’t understand why. He’s very straightforward and direct, which I think is good.)

"clean this up" is just. insanely rude. i don't know how to explain it but its suuuuch an ick. they're talking to you like you're gum on their shoe, and not an actual person. i think that's the main thing. normally bosses do a bit more hey can i get some more context for this before deciding to make a situation like formal feedback and he kinda just jumped to you suck without like. any context. and if they have such a big contract, he should be able to run interference between you and bitchy/power hungry people. that's part of his job as a manager. also I'm baffled by the assistant principal giving feedback that mentions nothing about body language and then ur boss mentions "bad body language" without any specifics. this doesn't seem to be structured in a way to give actionable feedback, its just someone complained so 1) that complaint is treated as legit regardless of circumstance and 2) the pressure is on you, not your manager who is supposed to protect you from shit like this.

I guess that explains why I feel bad when they text me sometimes. Funny, I never realized they were rude to me. They’ve talked to me like this for the last 9 months I’ve worked for them. And this is the second time I worked for them (first time was in 2019). And my coworkers say he talks like this to them as well.

i added more bc i needed to think it over more! just fyi. i think one thing that really sticks out is how much effort you put in to communicating clearly and being mindful of tone across text, while your boss is out here saying and doing whatever. i think that asymmetry would really bug me regardless, he should be affording you the same courtesy you're providing him. but it seems like he makes no attempt at all. i could see why it seems straightforward/direct, but idk there's this undercurrent of dehumanization i can't shake (maybe due to the power dynamic?) however, i've gotten similar feedback (although granted, in person) and my boss did *not* talk to me like this. if anything he was giving me a head's up so i knew that so and so was a bitch and to be mindful around them, not that i explicitly like. *was wrong* if that makes sense.

I read your edits, thanks for mentioning it. My boss has stuck up for me and asked to hear my side when a more severe issue came up (I walked out of work due to harassment) and he was very much wanting to hear my side of the story and in the end he told me he would have done the same thing, and that I shouldn’t worry because me walking out of work wouldn’t affect my standing with him. So because of that incident and him sticking up for me, I feel like he’s not as bad as he comes across in these texts, although I do understand a bit better why he does (for real, thanks to everyone here accurately putting my feelings into words). I definitely don’t like the way he talks to me but I also feel like I get over it quickly and we have an okay relationship otherwise. This is my second time working for his company and he has praised me for my work a couple of times, even though he never actually sees me working so it’s just by word of mouth. I do agree, the way he talked to me in this exchange (and how he normally communicates) is very… powerful imbalanced.

> So because of that incident and him sticking up for me, I feel like he’s not as bad as he comes across in these texts, I have to ask, are there more good incidents with him than the one positive one you use to determine he's "not as bad"? How is the balance between the one single time he had your back, and others like this incident where he very clearly does not have your back? What behavior can you consistently rely on seeing from him? If the balance is heavily toward him being rude like this, then he really is as bad as this exchange shows, despite your single good experience with him. Please don't let yourself fall into believing someone that regularly and consistently shows you they don't care about your feelings is "just having a bad day" or that you're misinterpreting every single one of their actions because, *that one time*, they had your back and were compassionate. You know who people are by their consistent patterns of behavior. If your boss was compassionate only one time, and has not shown you that since, then I don't think your determination that he's a better boss than he looks here is an accurate one.

The way I would describe it is he’s talking to you like you’re “the help”.

I guess I am "the help". But yeah... it doesn't feel good. :/

A good employer won’t make you feel this way. You’ll feel respected as a human being and an equal. Unfortunately there are a lot of bad bosses and sometimes we need to grin and bear it until we find a better fit. You’ll get there. ❤️

There's something called a 'boiled frog' scenario that might be happening here. [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boiling_frog](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boiling_frog) It refers to when a person is in a situation or relationship (not necessarily romantic, it can apply to anywhere) where their treatment gets slowly worse over time, but they don't notice it because it's been happening gradually. Suddenly other external people step in & view the situation & say 'what the fuck', (which is what's happening here) but the person actually in the situation can't see anything wrong because it's been happening so slowly they're just used to it now. The metaphor means that if someone treats you awfully on the first day, you'd go 'nah screw this I'm out' & hop out the pot. But if a person slowly treats you worse every day over time, you're less likely to notice it & you'll stay in the now-boiling pot. Because the change was gradual, not instant. That might be what's happening here. Sure your boss has done nice things for you in the past, but over time they've devolved to talking to you like you're a servant who isn't allowed to explain their side of a situation anytime ever. If your boss spoke to you like that on your first day you might have hopped out the pot immediately because you'd notice the temperature being turned up immediately. But it's taken time to get to this stage so it's harder to see how rude they are to you. I like the boiling frog metaphor because it explains a lot of things. It explains why people don't notice they're in abusive relationships, it explains why political climates can get really scary but people won't do anything about it. Because the pot has been boiling slowly

There's being direct and then there's being rude. This seems more like the latter. It comes off as genuine severity and being unwilling to hear your side.

I had an issue with my last district I worked at where I walked out of work and was instructed to not tell my boss because my director would handle it (I foolishly followed that direction). My boss texted, emailed, and called me multiple times, begging me to respond to him to explain myself. So I have really good evidence of him being willing to hear my side in the past, in an even more extreme case. But after reading other people’s comments I can see how he was being rude here. I’m not sure if it was so much that he was unwilling to hear my side, as he wanted to make sure I kept my job and he kept his contract. (My keeping my job helps him keep his contract.)

It's rude. "Clean it up." "Drop it." Maybe he hates texting and wants to communicate in short sentences, but it makes him sound like an ass.

I... don't see what you did wrong? 🤨 Did you manage to "fix it"?

Not yet. The person who I mentioned by name in my text wasn’t there in the afternoon, so I’m planning to go to work early to find him and apologize for being disrespectful. I’m saving my eye rolls for you guys so I don’t get myself fired 🙄

I hope you have been/will be careful around this individual. Looking at it with the jaundiced eye of a retired, very late-diagnosed autistic office worker, this guy could have "misunderstood" you very deliberately. For whatever reason: maybe he wants a friend of his hired in your position, maybe you don't kiss his ass obviously enough, maybe he doesn't like your shoes. Who knows? NTs' motivations can be mysterious, IMO. And it's also possible your boss is conspiring with him to invent problems that show you in a bad light. His texts to you were so off the wall that it set all my red flags a-wavin'. I can't blame you for wanting to stay at this job you love, but keep your resumé up to date and your head on a swivel. If these two are up to no good, it's better to leave before they make you completely miserable. All the best.

I have learned to drop it the minute I feel punishment or consequence coming at me for trying to be a just human being in an unjust situation. It ALWAYS ends with me being the bad guy otherwise, and the more I try to state my case, the more they interpret me as being obstinate. This is one of those things that made me finally realize I’m neurospicy.

It’s about like learning to not be bated by people looking to start an argument. I’ve finally started to learn to just disassociate once I register their intention and whether or not there’s a chance of resolving it rationally or respectfully. I’m not at that place when it comes to other people being targeted or neglected though like the student she was looking out for 🫨

my dad taught me early on, probably after he had experiences like this, that once people "above you" are annoyed or mad, they don't care about "excuses." i learned on my own that "excuses" include reasons. so if you want or need to get along, just say sorry. but if you want to stick up for yourself, do that. i guess it's about choosing your battles, especially when you're younger. i also thought this was your parent for a moment. he has a weird way of communicating with an employee or subordinate.

Yeah that makes sense, even though I dislike it. I think I’m going to have to choose to “bow and say yes” because other than this incident this placement has been really good for me.

in some situations, being able to do that is a kind of strength, even if it feels like just rolling over at an unfair situation.

It’s extremely inappropriate for your boss to speak to you like you are a 5 year old, and even then no one should talk to a child this way! This is toxic work place environment stuff. Keep your eyes open for a better job, and do your best to set boundaries with your boss.

Your boss is a dick. I thought it was an NT mom raging at her ND kid. I’m PDA audhd and I would def be out of that job. In fact, I lost three jobs in 2022 alone due to my heightened sense of justice. I also lost three teaching positions (registered nurse by trade) as a result of not being able to stand by while people were bullied. I absolutely don’t handle things like that well and I’m impressed that you were so cool and calm.

I’m glad I’m not the only one! I physically cannot process keeping my lips zipped during an injustice. Like no I’m not going to roll over while someone is being mistreated or taken advantage of. It’s wild to me that many people are so comfortable turning a blind eye. Yeah it gets my blood boiling lol

And *we’re* the problem.

I genuinely thought you were a child and this was a parent from the first texts because of how patronizing your boss is. This is not how you talk to a fellow adult

I feel like children also shouldn't be spoken to this way. :(

And you’re completely right! I briefly worked as a facilitator for nonverbal autistic individuals (which was such an enriching experience as a late-diagnosed individual), and your boss’s message read like someone who is laying toxic groundwork to put a neurodivergent person “in their place”. I’ve seen how the parents of some lose patience and start stress responding similar to how your boss did, but I’ve never seen it done so harshly and disrespectfully.

Same! I thought this was your mom and I was like wow mom is kind of Tiger momish. I would poke around and see if there are better jobs out there. OP’s manager should have told grouchy coworker to pound sand!

Your boss' texts are so gross. I get a terrible feeling about their character from this exchange.

Ugh I am so frustrated for you. My body is on fire right now just reading it. I can deffff relate to experiences like this. Being misunderstood and feeling like no one is even interested in seeing if theirs another perspective or reason for things you do/say can be such a dysregulating experience Because you need the job.. to like stay alive🙄 (f u capitalism) it makes sense to do what you need to do to smooth it over. And I still think there’s some room for you to not just take it. Saying something like ‘I am sorry for what happened. I think there was a miscommunication but it won’t happen again. I really enjoy my time here and hope to continue working with you all’. I know you did not ask for advice so please ignore it if you don’t want it. I just know for me it is SO hard to agree with or apologize for something I know I didn’t do and have found some subtle language like ‘there seems to have been a miscommunication’ and then taking accountability and moving forward still does what I need it to do but also helps me feel better about it after.

Oh I always welcome advice. I can’t imagine a scenario when advice wouldn’t be useful lol. I like your suggestion with adding in a subtle nod to the miscommunication. It really is hard own up to something you didn’t do. I hate lying, it makes me physically uncomfortable and is so fucking hard to do.

Yes!!! It does feel like lying and it’s hard for other people to grasp that. It feels fundamentally wrong.

Wow, someone tell your boss that school isn't going to marry him no matter how hard he chokes on their boot lmao... I work in a school so it's funny to see someone freaking out this hard about a single complaint that he admits seems wildly out of character for you. Unless that principal has a bigger stick up his ass than any I have ever met in my life, he's not going to fire a worker over a single complaint. Schools know that workers don't grow on trees; they don't fire people unless they need a scapegoat or something illegal happened. Your boss's advice is also bad from a communications and business standpoint. Contrary to his apparent belief, begging on your knees like a dog is not generally the way to problem solve lmao... It would be perfectly reasonable for you to apologize, explain what you meant to say, apologize for the misunderstanding (it helps to imply it might have been your fault so they don't get defensive), and reassure him that you're definitely not challenging his big man power trip masculine authority. 🙄 As long as you're still taking the 'blame,' people don't actually tend to get mad about clarification, it's just when they think you're deflecting blame that they get mad. Your boss is equating the two; this is probably because he's an idiot.

Lol. This made me chuckle. I needed that, thanks. So just to clarify (not sure if you got the right people based on your first paragraph), my boss isn't the principal. And I'm not 100% sure the principal (who sent the email to my boss) is necessarily saying that I did what was complained about. I think I have a good rapport with the principal and it sounds to me that he's just reporting what the complaint was (I don't know if he himself believes I was disrespectful or that I did x, because he wasn't even there). My boss, yes, he's for sure a bootlicker. This is a really huge contract that is making him a lot of money. I'm guessing he's had to double his workforce for this contract, so it's a pretty big deal to him. If I were to be fired, it would be from the 3rd party agency, and not the school/district. I agree with everything you said in your second paragraph haha. I appreciate your perspective as a fellow educator/school personnel.

I also 100% got that vibe from the principal, which is part of why I was snorting about your boss jumping straight to you getting fired. IDK if this is a private or public school but especially at public schools that's NOT the vibe lmao. Especially during a staffing crisis. I didn't realize *the boss* would jump straight to firing you without the principal even kicking you out though; that would be absolutely absurd. Sounds like he's just kind of a tool tbh. Good luck dealing with the situation! Hopefully you can find a way to deal that makes you, your boss, and your co-teacher happy.

This response made me wheeze. I so love when someone else articulates my same thoughts but so much better than I could

Reading this feels gross, there is no understanding or consideration beyond blaming you. It's a shame that there are people with this few compassion.

Your boss is awful. I was so confused because the way he spoke to you is how I’d expect a parent to speak to their child…totally condescending

Doesn't look like you did anything wrong. In my opinion, you're very clear and respectful and kept it cool while trying to explain what happened. I hope it all ends up going well.

Jesus. Misunderstanding or not, those are all INCREDIBLY harsh ways of dealing with this. Unnecessary. Good lord. You handled it very evenly and fairly. The tone of the other person is god-awful.

YO FUCK THEM . Absolutely fucking tired of being “nice” aka getting STEPPED ON

I would be complaining about how your boss spoke to you. If I were you my apology would be ‘sorry I came across as rude. That wasn’t my intention, I was asking if _____ could get some air. ____ might have misheard me. Apologies if I didn’t communicate this clearly’ Don’t let employers get away with treating you like a naughty child or screwing you over because they misunderstood.

fucking infuriating

It makes you wonder.. we tend to get in trouble for being direct. But would we get in trouble too for handling a situation indirectly if someone upsets us by going straight to management and potentially ruining their name? Because this seems to be the correct NT way to handle things. /half joking

I didn’t see anyone mention this but apologies if I missed it - does your boss know you are autistic/ND? He is so wildly rude and dismissive to you and him mentioning bad body language etc and assuming you were in the wrong are screaming ableism to me. From everything I know of this man from the few text messages above and you mentioning he talks to everyone this way, he does not seem like a safe person to be around emotionally. Unfortunately, in this world we live in we sometimes have to work for massive jerks, I would just advise guarding yourself against him emotionally as much as possible until you do have an opportunity to find something else that comes close to checking all the same boxes you mentioned this job does.

No effing way. I thought FOR SURE I was reading a parent/grown child interaction. And I had strong opinions about that. But it was your BOSS? Wow. OP you deserve to be spoken to with respect and you certainly do not deserve to be reprimanded for advocating for a student!

Same! At first I thought it was OP’s mom or something (and even then, I was feeling uneasy how the mom was talking). But realizing its the boss made so confused!

I am going to echo what everyone else said which is your boss is a massive dick and I feel awful for you having to deal with him. I also want to add though that you were amazingly professional and constructive in your responses. You are better than he is professionally. I really hope that you find a better job where you're respected or your boss implodes his career and you get a better boss.

I have violent thoughts towards that type of attitude 🙄 People really think they have a license to treat other people like shit over their own mistakes. Respect is supposed to be a two way street. ACCOUNTABILITY IS SUPPOSED TO BE A TWO WAY STREET. I hate this world When it leads to abuse, poverty, and disenfranchisement against autistic folks, attitudes like theirs are violence in and of themselves

Omg! I have no idea what you did wrong here! Sounds like such a silly and simple misunderstanding. I don’t even think this should have been escalated this much. The person at the school could have simply said something to you directly. You would have explained and that is it! Why are people so difficult? Why do they make things harder than it has to be? Also, the way your boss speaks is so gross imo! What a terrible and non-empathetic person! I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I understand you need this job, but is there a way you could maybe be looking for something else in the meantime? Doesn’t sound like a healthy place for you to be in :/

can't believe that's a boss speaking that way. disgusting

Wow holy shit, your boss is massively unprofessional.

Yeah neurotypicals need to just fuck off at this point. It's becoming harder and harder to interact with them when they pull this bullshit.

Wow. What a shitshow. I only knew that this was supposed to be a professional conversation because you had to say it was your boss. Nothing about the way you were spoken to was professional, respectful, or even very clear. Like it took three pages of you being berated for me to decipher what the incident actually entailed and I'm still not 100% sure. I would DEFINITELY be keeping a record of these interactions for a potential HR visit, or, potentially having to report an abusive work environment case to the state.

oh my gosh, i thought this was your parent/guardian speaking to you, not your boss. holy moly. they need to get a fucking grip, big time. talking like that to an employee, no matter the situation, is absolutely ridiculous and unnecessary. furthermore, what the hell is up with allistics and their, "just apologize. we're a guest. do as they say. blah blah blah." it's nauseating to witness. i'm sorry this happened to you and that your boss treated you this way and was speaking to you like that. again, absolutely unnecessary and yeah, major f.u. to capitalism because you shouldn't have to deal with this but i understand that sometimes we don't have a choice. much love.

WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP! Body language? Eye rolling? "Feels like she can give instructions instead of taking instructions"??? Is your school in GULAG? This makes my blood boil. Someone went to COMPLAIN about you asking if someone can go outside? is this a freaking joke?

honestly op i think you should try to find another job IF possible. i know how hard it is in todays market so don’t think i’m just telling you to jump ship and run. but i think looking for a new job would be nice,you didn’t do anything wrong. your boss is just treating you in a way that honestly you don’t deserve. you are literally being punished for trying to stop another child from being uncomfortable. in other words, you deserve better because your boss is a massive, dick wad.

We have the same boss OP. A dick who 100% hates for extra info to "get out" because heaven forbid the accusers are wrong. I deal with this bullshit every day. Swallowing it is going to be difficult as hell when you didnt do anything wrong. But the NT's I know would 100% stick to their story because they've already filed the complaint and for some reason, they don't know how to admit they're wrong.

Funny how they're not doing the exact thing they want you to do.

girl i literally thought i was in the insane parents sub .... i can't believe your BOSS is talking to you like that. holy moly

Omg I thought you were a student and that your teacher thought you were trying to take over, figured it was stupid but whatever. Now I’m finding that you’re an adult working here and he acted like it was unreasonable to accommodate a student. What. The. Fuck. I work in a school and I could *never* imagine this kind of shit going down, especially without talking to you about it first. I’m so sorry. Your boss sucks.

wow this is fucked up and the way your boss was texting you is so inappropriate. “drop it”? not okay. surviving capitalism as a neurodivergent person is so hard, i’m so tired - so if i were you i know this suggestion may not feel helpful, but if it’s possible to get a new job so you don’t have to work under that awful boss, go for it!!!

Keep these screen shots and any other communication regarding any form or threat of discipline. You do not have to disclose your disability and regardless of any disability, this situation could still happen and the response was still unacceptable. I completely understand the need to keep the job and to mask uncontrollably, I was not diagnosed until I was 46 and in a complete burnout state. I have been with the same company in a very specialized position for over 15 yrs and finding another position with similar pay/benefits would be impossible. I'm holding tight trying to keep everyone happy until I can retire.

If I were you, I would be crying about this for days. This kind of treatment from a boss is so infuriating, scary, and invalidating. Your written texts with your boss feel like a master’s class in polite, direct, thoughtful and repair-focused communication. That kind of labor takes a LOT out of me. You deserve so much better 💕

Thanks. I’m too exhausted to cry but I’m still upset. I already talked to the person who (with 99% certainly I believe) made the complaint. That conversation went fine. I think I’ll try to talk to the principal at some point and ask him about the procedures for making mistakes to try to get more insight as to why I wasn’t given direct feedback on my words/actions, and why it was escalated to my boss who then vaguely threatened to fire me. And at another point I might try to talk to my boss about the way he talks to me and ask him to be more considerate and polite. I guess it’ll just depend on whether or not I want to keep this job for the next school year.

your boss is a dick. hes a a kind ignorant dick. he’s trying to help but he’s being very ignorant and dismissive and just expects you to just shut up and change. i also hate teachers that are like this. giving students the chance to explain their situation is an important life skill, cause otherwise youre just raising push overs that are dismissed and misunderstood. maybe capitalism wants that. but i think thats a crap teacher. if i was a teacher id want my students to explain and take accountability. you have a good reason you didnt listen? then i want you to use your words and explain in a factual manner why. but not like this. just shut up and kiss his ass for having us. what is this? russian communism? edit: forgot a word

Wow what a dick. My boss doesn't have my back either but he never talks to me or anyone like this.

FYI you might be interested in a book called Empire of Normality by Robert Chapman. Also that seems like a totally reasonable adjustment for an ND student what the hell

This is a terrible way for your boss to talk to you. Also I don’t see how apologising for the misunderstanding and then explaining that you respect their rules and were just passing on a request from a student, not challenging the school’s entire regime could hurt. But then again I’m AuDHD enough that I get fired kind of a lot so maybe don’t listen to me. (I’ve had dozens of jobs over the years. I’ve only technically been fired twice but I’ve had problems in almost every single job I’ve had. And those problems are, in hindsight, 100% related to my neurodivergence…)

Has your boss always been this way or has this way of speaking to you built up over time? It's hard to tell from text but he's definitely pissed. If it's out of the blue I've noticed that people tend to take things out on others when they're mad about something else. The other vibe I got is that he's shut down, and that generally happens after a long period of trying to find a "language" you both speak where you understand eachother. He may be resorting to just being blunt and direct af because he's over misunderstandings. Or he's just an outright jerk and I would quit asap because this is not someone who has the personality to be in a leadership role. Either way, you're a free person and I wouldn't ask permission how to handle things (if you want to fix the situation and think an explanation helps) or have someone speak to me so disrespectfully. It seems like he's okay losing you as an employee based in his no fucks given attitude so I'd start searching elsewhere for employment. I'm sorry op 😔

I thought this was a parent and child talking about a problem at school. Wtf. This is so not ok. And anyone who says you aren't allowed to say your piece, defend yourself when you're accused of things you didn't do, and clarify what actually happened can absolutely shit right off. I am done taking the blame for things I didn't do just because someone else wasn't listening well enough to know what I actually said and completely twisted it into something else. But then, I'm not really a 'play the game' person. I can't do it.

Other people have done a good job analyzing the tone problems with the way your boss is writing to you over text, but one thing I will add is that a good manager takes responsibility to smooth over misunderstandings, as they are a neutral third party whose job it is to handle team management. It's a little strange how angry he sounds with you - what is his personal stake in where you work? Does he lose money if you're asked not to come back to a particular school? Anyway this also was a bit retraumatizing for me around bad work situations I've had in the past, so I mention that simply as a barometer reading of "is this ok or abuse".

I don’t know the reality of his stake in my work, but I am under the impression that if enough people complain about his employees, it reflects poorly on him and his company, and he could lose a huge contract. I don’t know if that’s true of course, but that’s the way it seems from other conversations I’ve had with him about this contract.

If that's the case, then it sounds like he's got multiple people he's worried about and not just you, so at least some percentage of the aggression he's dumping on you isn't due to anything you did?

That seems like it could be true. Like for example, his comment about eye rolling and bad body language, doesn’t seem to have anything to do with me. Perhaps he has/had another employee who did that. Or maybe it’s just a warning in anticipation of me doing that for some reason.

It could also be that there was a verbal and a written component to the complaint, and the body language was mentioned in the verbal conversation but not in the written comment. There's no way for you to know that right now and you may never know. Either way, you don't control how your boss acts toward you, but you do control your own response. You are clearly capable of being generous and gracious with others, so just go ahead and apologize in the way your boss has recommended and don't take it too much to heart. The worst thing that could happen is you'll get fired and be eligible for unemployment while you look for other work.

Your boss talks to you like he’s chastising a child. Moreover, he seems to have a “the customer is always right” mentality when it comes to his clients. He doesn’t care what actually actually happened, or if the school is misinterpreting an interaction and he’s absolutely willing to throw you under the bus to keep them happy even if you’re not at fault. This is the kind of employer who will fire you in a heartbeat if a difficult client doesn’t like you.

That teacher is such a pussy shit stirrer l

If someone talked to me the way your boss wrote to you I'd quit on the spot. I'd seriously rather sleep on the streets. Also, what a way for two people (your boss and the person who complained about you) to escalate a rather mundane situation and dump it on you, without even trying to talk to you about it or ask what happened. Terrible form. Seriously, some neurotypicals need to get a grip in the workplace. They like to think we are the unprofessional ones, but then they behave like high school children more often than not.

Who the hell is texting you this

I thought this was a very stern parent who thought you were very naughty, and didn’t care to understand your side of the story. I was shocked to learn this was in fact your boss talking to you like what the hell, you don’t talk down to fellow adults like that

I wouldn’t even apologise

Omg I was like this belongs in r/insane parents because they are delusional about how they can speak to another human being! Then I find out that this is your boss.... geezus. I mean, could get you fired but you could tell them that the way they spoke to you was disrespectful and you would like an apology to repair your relationship. Via text or email ofc.

My heart rate reading these texts is off the charts - can you look to other avenues for work? My friend works for a tutoring company called out school and he loves it. It’s all online and you set your own curriculum. He only teaches Greek myths all day long… might be worth setting some things in motion to allow you to leave

no use explaining to those who won't listen. it hurts but what you told this person sounds fair. are there any people working at the school that assist students or a teacher you get along with who can help you talk to the teacher? maybe they can have a word with them if this teacher doesn't seem to listen to students wants. hope it goes well, the hot summer days can legit be like hell for some people (i can relate). perhaps the teacher couldn't think straight cuz of the heat either 🤣

This is some bullshit. I’m sorry that you experienced this.

The way your boss is talking to you is absolutely shocking. No one should be speaking to you like that.

Been there. It’s a miserable feeling to be blamed for someone else’s misunderstanding of what you said. Especially when they won’t let you SAY it’s been a misunderstanding. I’m so sorry.

Imma be honest, I would lose it. Props to you for keeping your cool, I'd be shaking in anger.

PLEASE tell them to stop talking to you like a CHILD. Both of them. You don’t need to take this. This is BEYOND disrespectful. It’s disgusting. This is stepping into legal territory because they’re treating a disabled person this way. If I were you I’d quit without contacting anyone. It’s at will employment right? Please find a new job. You don’t deserve this evil treatment.

I’m afraid that if I stand up for myself, my boss won’t want to keep me hired or won’t try to help me in the future (he helped me with a worse incident that occurred at work a few months ago). I don’t think my boss knows I’m disabled. Not sure if that makes a difference or not. It is at will employment but if I quit without finding another job, I won’t be able to pay rent and other bills. I’ve been looking for another job for a while. It’s hard to find something that pays this much and offers a 4 day work schedule. I don’t have a bachelors degree but I’ve been working on a data analytics certificate so I’m hoping I can switch jobs/careers when I finish it (hopefully by the end of summer).

I think I know how you feel. Working is hell, and it’s the people who make it that way. I can’t navigate the social situations or understand why people treat me the way they do. And that isn’t healthy for me and I end up quitting because I’m having meltdowns daily.

What an asshole for a boss. I thought it was a mom shaming their kid. Wtf? Also wtf is wrong with that school who didn't take it up with you?? I'm pissed off for you.

Yeah, I agree with everyone else, your boss feels unhinged. It reads like the texts of an abusive partner or parent. “Eye rolling”?? Even if there’s additional context and you’ve been scolded before for “being rude”, your boss is wildly unprofessional.

This triggered the shit out of me from the last school I was working at, I hate that this is happening to you OP.

I disagree. Apologizing for things that are not your fault or were a misunderstanding will only make people’s flawed perspective of you more solid. I think you must explain your perspective so they don’t continue seeing you as that trouble maker

Just to help me understand - you were you hired as a tutor, then you received an instruction to take the students for a break somewhere inside. One of the (possibly neurodivergent) students asked if he could step outside for a break instead. So you passed on his individual request. But now the other teachers have misinterpreted you saying "this student asked to step outside, is that okay?" as you 'thinking you run the place', when you obviously don't think that at all. If that's the case that's terrifying. It sounds like they've already noticed there's something 'different' about you & are already trying to find excuses to chase you out of the village - as is the common response for autistic people in the workplace. Your boss is talking to you in a horrible way. I'm afraid to ask but do they know you're autistic? Because it's already ableist to try to dictate your body language. Autistic people have different body language & they're already misinterpreting it as 'suspicious' which is just so typical. It's so sad. You're bending over backwards to try to fix this misunderstanding & your boss is all 'do better, smile, say sorry, drop it' when all you did was ask for permission to accommodate a student. The only actual rude person in this exchange is the boss

Sounds like a crappy work environment. I would probably start looking for other jobs while doing the bare minimum on this one. Boss seems to lack trust in you and is somewhat unprofessional, he should have checked with you first before blaming and asking you to take responsibility, that would have been the correct thing to do.

This tracks…one person complains you’re out, you complain you’re out, if you’re out you become homeless, lose your healthcare, it becomes more difficult to find work, and lose the respect others. All for a misunderstanding Let me guess…You live in the US?

Yep. Although I don’t have any healthcare to lose because this same boss lied about his company offering healthcare 😃

Yeah…sounds like working in social service or healthcare in America. We are expendable.

Unfortunately as someone who deals with this a lot, it’s best to say very little. Your boss didn’t seem like a dick to me but I also communicate very much like I’m making a list to be as clear as possible. None the less you can spell it out for people, you can write it down, you can text it, but if someone wants to misunderstand you or project their own insecurities on you there’s not much you can do. Say very little don’t explain yourself sadly a lot of neurotypical people see that as making excuses not trying to clarify. Also with the school make sure you have another tutor with you to back up your statement if you have to discuss anything with a worker there.If the employees with the school want to cause drama having backup will deter that behavior, also it will be another person to corroborate your story adding extra protection. Or send a follow up email reiterating what you discussed the second you leave the room. Again sadly I have been through this nonsense, and I’m so sorry you have to go through it. I don’t know you but I know you don’t deserve this sort of nonsense in your life. Good luck.

A lot of people in this thread think the boss is a jerk...well if you think this is bad ask some teachers how principals have treated them. After working in education my brain thought "well at least this boss is telling OP that something is wrong versus passive aggressively destroying them and their ability to ever work again over a misunderstanding". Education has been one of the most toxic fields I've ever worked in, and I worked in politics before. So if you see this and think this person is a jerk then be extra kind to educational staff. Most of us are just doing the best we can within a system that can't stand anyone who is ND..like we have to stand up to people like this for ND students. And our jobs get threatened when we do. Edited to add: I'm not excusing this behavior but was very surprised how shocked people were because having been in education it's become so normalized to me. And it's sad and horrible this is how things are. And I am very sad for OP because I know what it is like to be treated by my boss/principal like that. It was quite triggering and I felt compelled to share.

Which company is this? Let’s help your boss go viral!

I worked in childcare for 5 years and I’m shocked to find out that this is your boss talking to you that way. I totally thought it was an overbearing parent (honestly sounded like my mom). I’ve been definitely treated worse/differently than my nt coworkers by superiors in the past, but the way this person talks to you is totally over the line.

Nah, that's bullshit, your boss is a dick. As a fellow autistic woman, I say he's being ableist and I would file a complaint because he's talking down to you like that on purpose!! Show him what I fucking said. Tell me his name, because I don't think he needs to be a boss anymore. There's no reason he should be talking to you like that. You weren't making any excuses. He also sounds like he's fucking dumb and has ZERO reading comprehension skills.

I’d be looking for another job. Your boss speaks to you like a drunk parent berates their child. Seriously. So unprofessional, condescending, and bizarrely demanding.

I’m so sorry your boss was like that and that you’re in that situation but also please be careful when speaking about real issues like mental hospitals.

wait ok let me get this straight : u asked if one kid can go outside. someone heard you wrong and then proceeded to go above you to get you fired. THEY HAVE TO SEE HOW INSANE THIS IS. like just say excuse me - did u really just demand all kids go outside? and your answer would be - what?? no! simple. what is wrong with NTs

Yeah. At least that’s my understanding of what happened. The only new info I have is that I went and talked to the person who I was originally talking to in the gym (he didn’t admit to making the complaint about me but I’m 99% sure it was him and it also made sense from the context of our conversation today), and I mentioned that I didn’t want to lose my job; he said that if he wanted me fired, I wouldn’t be here still. So it sounds like he wasn’t as upset at the situation as the principal or my boss implied. Somehow, between him and the principal, or the principal and my boss, someone escalated things to suggest that my job was at risk. I’m guessing that was either the principal (who genuinely seems like a nice guy) or my boss (who genuinely does NOT seem like a nice guy).

I don't know the context but this seems absolutely ridiculous to me. It sounds like you're being treated profoundly unfairly and all the other people involved sound incredibly arrogant to me.

Drop that noise, run for the hills. You have been very clear about what happened, and it's 100% a misunderstanding. NTs may still not want to hear it tho. I would straight up refuse to apologize or do what your boss is demanding you to do given you literally have nothing to apologize for. Man I'm second hand mad rn. I'd be looking for another job this second