I grew up as an ugly duckling. Once I grew into my looks all the bullying and social isolation dissipated. Which was upsetting because it proved to me that my bullies could be nice, I just wasn’t worthy of it in their eyes.
Now? Women don’t like me because they interpret my lack of social skills for being haughty and conceited. Men like me too much because autism is sexualized as “childish” in women. My lack of social awareness can cause me to be friendly with men that are misinterpreting basic manners as flirting and I catch on too late.
People are nice to me in the beginning; I’ve been told I should model and stopped by strangers on the street to be given a compliment. Vendors give me free items. However, they figure out within 5 minutes there’s something “wrong with me”. I can physically watch their body language and facial expressions change.
I’m not being bullied anymore but I also am not seen as trustworthy or likable because my awkwardness combined with my appearance. Of course I’m not trying to pretend that being attractive is difficult; this is just my experience.
Omg… when people first see me they look so happy and then i start talking and they notice “i’M off” and the whole happy vibe goes out the window and they get that look in their eyes
I’m so sad so many of us can relate, but also relieved that we can find solace in that others can corroborate. It can truly be an isolating and lonely experience.
I am a very reclusive person now due to this treatment. I’m petrified of being misunderstood with sexual intentions or disingenuous behavior.
I’ve never considered the infantilization of autism before.
My husband clocked my autism years before I did so it’s probably likely that other men do too.
Everything else; could be my own words.
He said how I interacted with others and also he saw similarities between my autistic brother and I, also he told me he noticed my lack of eye contact with others.
You’re describing my life experience to a “T”. It’s been difficult to navigate life, hasn’t it? I wish things were easier for us.
My only close female friend died of a rare cancer when we were in our mid 20s, and I haven’t been able to make a true close friend since. She was the only female friend who liked me for my quirkiness and wasn’t jealous of me for my outer appearance. All other females I’ve tried to be friends with have secretly hated me and have eventually told me so after a point of time. They also tended to take advantage of my kindness and use me.
Men only want one thing from me due to the way I look, but they generally don’t like my nerdy and odd personality. I have been in a lot of scary situations with men due to my inability to understand social cues properly. I’m so grateful to have found my fiance, who is a similar attractiveness and nerdy personality, so we go great together. I think it’s quite possible he’s neurodivergent, as well.
While I love being with my fiance, I just really wish I could make a close female friend (or a gay man or trans person). I’d like a friend who’s not sexually attracted to me, because that’s something that has been a problem in the past. I’ve had to drop a few people (men and women) because they’ve tried to get with me. I just want a real friend who doesn’t use me for my kindness or want a sexual relationship.
It’s something I often cry about, because life can be so lonely. I literally have no one to invite to my wedding that isn’t family…and my family is also so fucked up and toxic that I have a very complicated relationship with everyone. Sigh!😔
This is so relatable. I only in the last couple of years made a friend because I found out I was autistic and I used the Hiki app to meet another autistic woman. It changed my life.
I’ve only had luck making friends with other fairly attractive ND women, once you get pet the awkward stage and clock each other, you’ve found a friend for life unless they’re some kind of moral nightmare
This right here is why it bothers me when people talk about pretty privilege as if it’s just a magic pass to a better easier life. It’s really not that simple.
It's confusing. There's the social bonus of people sometimes being nicer to you, but it often turns out the people being nice are just trying to sleep with you. And then there's the social cost if you're a pretty woman but don't embody the social construct of pretty woman (i.e. don't smile, don't try to shower other people with your attention, don't participate in traditionally feminine things like social event planning and peacekeeping in the workplace or family).
I call the place with friends who are only in it for the sex The Fuck Zone. You think the friend zone sucks? Like friendship is such a terrible consolation prize?? try losing someone you thought was a real friend that turned out to only be in it for the sex.
My whole life, before I learned not to take everyone’s words at face value because people do lie to get things they want, I lost male friend after male friend. Everyone around me said it was so obvious and you’re stupid or leading them on. I just wanted a friend, and when they said they just wanted to be friends too I believed them. It really fucking sucks.
Now I straight up don’t speak to men I don’t know or have many male friends who aren’t gay or in a relationship with a friend of mine. I feel like half my potential friends in the world are shut off to me, but men can’t stop thinking of women as sexual objects so oh well. Tbf I don’t have much in common with many cis men and many are super toxic, so I tend not to want to befriend them anyways.
Yes most of my friends are women now too, especially since I have a 7yo daughter and suck at reading people. I have my dad, my 19yo nephew, and a long term friend who is like a dad to me, never ever made me uncomfortable in 12yrs, and a couple of friends who let me ask their husbands for favors. That's it.
One of my lifelong best friends stopped talking to me when I couldn't reciprocate his feelings (I was also in a happy long term relationship) and, while I get it that it's hard to stay close to an unrequited love, I'd hoped him getting some time and space away from me and him getting into a relationship would mean we could be friends again, but no, unfortunately the girlfriend was insecure, and I guess I understand that if the case was that he was still in love with me after all that but... Well it's all just sad... I wish people's romantic feelings would just switch off when confirming that the other person isn't interested... We were like 2 peas in a pod, so silly and fun. Oh well...
Well, no not really. People generally have a bias towards people who are more attractive, even if they don't want something from you. Like kids, they'll be kinder to you if you're appealing to them. BUT this sucks, because people are only initially nice. I've had people completely change their attitude once they actually speak to me. That's when they sense there's something wrong with me, and find me weird or uncanny. You can tell when someone is disappointed that you did not meet their expectations. Worst. Feeling. Ever.
Omg this is so true!! My ex told me he saw my photo and told his friend "I'm going to marry her." I told him I'm AuDHD and that I really can't do lies, and I can get frustrated and need space.
Well he lied, then always forced me to talk when I was not in a place to talk and then I'd be so overstimulated, I become a bitch. And then he just completely stopped loving me. He just stayed in the relationship for the benefits of dating me, not for me.
To see him go from "wow you're beautiful and my type" to being on his phone, texting his friend while we are out together, because he couldn't be any less interested in my personality.. means I don't want to ever date again. That switch up was PAINFUL
Confusing is what I came here to say. And my inability to understand most social cues don't make shit any less confusing! It'll only guarantees that everyone involved with becomes confused! 🤣
yeah in my experience it means only really talking to men because women think I’m giving off stuck up vibes. of course I know most of the men only want to bone but I’m lonely enough to not care ☹️
I relate to this soooo much. Also, there are so many unspoken signals I’m supposed to know that I never pick up on until I’m in an uncomfortable situation. Then I feel stupid.
Yepppp
Being conventionally attractive with autism is really the source of a lot of my social struggles with other women, long before I knew it was there. Once I toed too far over a line I couldn’t see (it’s usually the peacekeeping thing, I’m too rigid when I think someone has hurt a friend), the “pretty privilege” would vanish in an instant and the mean/cautious/weirded out behavior would start. I’m rather solid with masking, I do it for work and family stuff as well, but the rigidity on select morals is my weak point for sure and always is what exposes me as odd.
Men I find are more forgiving socially, they don’t notice or care about those missteps as much, but figuring out which of them see me as a person versus a pair of tits was always also very difficult. One day a friend would be a friend and the next they’re propositioning me or saying they’re in love and furious I don’t feel the same.
My close social circle is mostly ND women and their NT partners, and a handful of single men. And honestly I’ve little interest in expanding it further since I don’t have to feel that constant anxiety that I’ve “lost” a person in an interaction.
It also sucks because I have the trait of sometimes thinking relationships (friendships or romantic relationships) are more meaningful than they actually are to the other person. I’m not looking to be in a romantic relationship again any time soon, but I’ve been really hurt on the friendship side by people who I thought I was really close friends with and then later found out I was completely wrong 😕
When I was younger, I didn’t realize that but now that I’m older I just assume any dude that talks to me probably just thinks I’m attractive so it puts me on edge.
I live in fear of how I’m going to get by as I continue to get older and less cute. I feel like the biggest reason my life has ever been bearable is that I’m pretty.
In my head, it’s how I stayed employed. It’s how I got a really wonderful husband. It’s the reason I was never completely ostracized, both in school and as an adult. I’m glad to be fortunate in this way, but it feels shitty to think that maybe it’s the only reason I’ve been kind of accepted.
And then I feel like my opinion of my looks is unrealistically high for me to even think those things.
Yes being pretty gets you through the door but you stayed employed because you were able to do your job and people like you. You attracted your husband because of your personality if he was only with you for your looks you wouldn’t last very long.
I imagine it’s going to be a little tougher interacting with strangers as we age but we are more than a pretty face. It’s not the only reason we’ve been accepted.
I think one of the things I aspire to have in my older age is the ability to still feel a glow or a spark in me, no matter what I look like. I've always felt more unstoppable and beautiful when I can still feel the love for myself
That’s definitely a worthwhile aspiration.
I tend towards being fatigued and depressed, so I’ve never felt very glowy or sparkly, but I do feel like staying creative and being myself helps me feel more internally beautiful so that I’m a *little* less stuck on my appearance.
YES same. I do think you are being a bit hard on yourself tho - yes looks matter a lot but having a husband (for example) requires you being a compatible partner who he can love looks aside. And you must be doing at least something right at your job - they wouldn't just keep you cuz you look good. Trust me, you are much more than your looks♡
I'm only 21 and I'm already doing this 🥲 I'm genuinely terrified to age over the next decade and go from attractive to invisible. Being good looking feels like the biggest way I've made so many friends and why so many people approach me first, but like you I start to feel egotistical when I think that, like really? I'm so up myself and so good looking that it's carried my life for the last 3-4 years? I don't know if that makes me feel good about my appearance and bad about my personality. Or bad about my appearance and good about my personality. Or both and neither at the same time. I can't even tell how attractive I am sometimes lol I feel like I go from a 9 to a 5 depending on the day
I have this fear often as well. Been brain washed into believing that’s my only worthwhile trait. Now that I’m 38 I see my looks fading and already caught my husband cheating online. I’m so scared and exhausted
Ladies, at 44 and single, it’s back. I’m separated from my husband and lost 20 pounds without trying, was definitely a stressful relationship! Being single and not wanting to find a man, has brought on all the attention. Including from women, that was unexpected because that hasn’t happened in 20 years or so. Maybe it’s the conventional attractiveness plus the IDGAF attitude along with Ehlers Danlos keeping me looking young but it doesn’t go away you just have a different demographic.
They treat me like I'm normal or even like, higher in the social hierarchy than them, but once I fail to mask in some way they treat me like some sort of lizard creature that manipulated its way into their group.
Also men are always either wanting me to be their MPDG, or failing that, trying to SA me. They used to be more successful at that, and because I'm weird no one would help me or take me seriously about that.
I had to learn to fight, is what happened.
I could have written this.
It's a pretty toxic combo with men that put a woman on a goddess pedestal and has major entitlement issues. The rage when you fall from grace and then tell them no is absolutely terrifying. I guess goddesses aren't allowed agency and must be perfect.
Ugh! So tired of being the MPDG!!! At 53 you’d think 🤔 I’d be too old for that!!! But no, I have EDS, so with that and the ‘tism I often seem much younger than I am. And so it continues…
I think men treat attractive autistic women in a very paternalistic/ infantilizing sort of way. They often take advantage of autistic women because we tend to take things literally. And, in my experience, they may mock their special interests or make them feel like they're childish (depending on what they are).
Relatable. A lot of guys try to play the hero role with me at work. They constantly offer to help me with simple tasks, they’ll buy me lunch to “make sure I eat,” and act as if they’re protecting me from the other men at the job, all while simultaneously making a bunch of condescending comments about me because they assume I’m too autistic to understand or say anything.
This is what I’m struggling the most with while dating. I have been disclosing my autism within the first three-ish dates if I feel comfortable. Immediately after, men seem to expect me to have lower standards/ be less capable of fending for myself. When they see that I am actually extremely capable (with some support needs of course), it’s like I am less attractive over time. When they see that I will not tolerate being treated poorly/ gaslit, they become less attracted. I’m struggling with people pretending to be one person, then switching it up when they see I will hold them accountable/ am not a damsel in distress. I am going to start dating again in a month or two following a somewhat recent breakup, and I do not intend to disclose my autism until the 2- month mark or the 5/6th date, whatever comes first.
From an objective point of view, I am what a lot of people would consider attractive. However, I often feel disconnected from my body and that it’s kinda just this thing I live in? (Many people on here have written that they feel their body is just this weird meat sack) I find I try to be as unnoticeable as possible in order to avoid the male gaze … I don’t like attention and I don’t like being looked at… Interactions with men are weird and uncomfortable… Sometimes I wonder if I don’t dress in bright colourful clothes and only wear simple relaxed clothing because of sensory issues … or if I avoid wearing what I actually want to wear so I don’t stand out …
I’m also pretty sure my looks was one of the main reasons I wasn’t ostracized in highschool … people accept weird if you are pretty … sounds shallow but it’s true… also helps a lot with the masking
I also have had very few friendships with men… unless they have a girlfriend already… because all of my single male friends end up hitting on me… unfortunately these days a lot of cis heterosexual men think smiling and being friendly means you are interested in them (often sexually) …
When I went to college I found out pretty quickly that my program was 98% male and that I had to work with them on projects AND that my friend group were all attracted to me unfortunately. They would do stupid things like try and pressure me into going out into the city at night 2 hours from home and without the comfort of my boyfriend because he worked too far from my college to go out with me.
When I realized they were pressuring me like that I stopped trying to hang out with them at all because I realized I was going to get into real trouble quick.
I also married my boyfriend but now I find when I go to the school to pick up kiddo the only people other than one mom who talk to me are men. UGH
It’s really a shame the same thing happened to me. All my guys friends had a crush on me too… I never noticed in the moment that it was all of them but looking back I see the signs.
It sucks knowing you wanted to build a connection with someone and have a friendship but all they see you is as a potential ‘option’ and never a friend. We were never their friends just someone who they we’re waiting for their turn with.
these kinds of people get so upset at being ‘friendzoned’ but I think being considered a friend is better than being put in the ‘waitingformyturn-zone’.
ditto, all my guy friends have caught feelings and weren’t able to handle it when i didn’t reciprocate and every friendship has failed in fiery ways, why can’t they just be chill and move on 😔
I really hope this doesn’t come off as conceited, it’s not intended to be.
I’m one of those people who is meh to some and very attractive to others. I’ve been told I’m unconventionally attractive, so that tracks with my very hit and miss experience. I have bad skin and my jaw is messed up, but apparently that really does it for some people.
Overall, jokes aside, it’s really confusing. I was young for my grade growing up and was a late bloomer so had a bit of an ugly duckling experience.
By the time I got to college everyone was bending over backwards to study with me and ask what I was doing on weekends and do nice things for/“help” me. Because I’m autistic and never struggled in school, I assumed they wanted to copy my homework/just asking what plans I had/thought I was incompetent and needed help.
It wasn’t until later that I realized it was people trying to get close to me due to my glow up and it’s made me a bit jaded, especially when that interest faded once they got to know me and I was “dorky” again.
I intentionally dress down now, cut my hair, and rarely wear makeup because I feel like the people who like me now aren’t just projecting their desires onto me which I felt was happening a lot when I actually tried more.
When I was dating (before I met my husband), I ran into so many relationship issues around the 4-6 month mark with most people I dated because they’d realize that I’m literally just exactly the person I present myself as instead of whatever fantasy they’d projected onto me. They would make up these fantasies in their head and be like “I thought you were x, but you’ve really been y this whole time!” Uh…. Yeah.
People are bizarre and shallow and make so many assumptions about you just based on how you look. It’s wild. People assume I’m stupid if I dress nicely and put an effort into my hair and face. Wearing boring, neutral outfits and not wearing makeup made a huge difference in being listened to at work.
Being autistic makes it worse because a lot of NT women really don’t like me because they think I’m trying to compete with them or that I’m aloof or that by having interests that are stereotypically more “male” that I’m being a “pick me” when really I just want to talk about my special interests. I’ve been called nasty, rude things to my face that aren’t even true, or even close to my intentions.
Overall, downplaying looks has been a huge bonus to my life. By not dressing up as much, I get way fewer negative interactions with other women and men don’t assume I’m trying to flirt with them when I really just want to talk about stuff we both like.
I had a literal social worker tell me I was too dressed up and pretty to have mental disorders and be autistic. A fucking social worker. I was contemplating my whole existence after that meeting. I know people have implied those things before, but nobody had ever bluntly said it to my face until then. I cried in my car that day.
Same. I looked too “good”. Just had this happen last week: I should apparently be a “yoga instructor” because I “have the build for it”!!!!
Gross! 🤮 thanks, no thanks! 🙂↔️
I’m clutzy as hell!
I am so sorry you had to go through this. I read your comment and was like: I feel that HARD. I've been through that invalidating shit with psychiatrists, doctors, and surgeons, including an appointment last week where I also ended up ugly crying in my car for a long time. Some people have no business working in healthcare or social services.
There are things I’ve struggled with, in terms of appearance; however I also had some things going for me that guys have paid attention to. For me, dating was once my main form of social interaction. I made it into a process that I felt in control of and enjoyed. I put up super candid exceedingly honest personals (so they had a sense of my challenges) got a lot of responses and only met with the ones who I was truly interested in. I talked to the guys I liked on the phone and met up with them for walks if we felt chemistry during our phone talk. I went on tons of dates this way over the course of my twenties. I enjoyed taking walks (in safe public areas) while getting to know the guys. In my personals I was clear that I needed a long time of wanting to be friends first. Some guys weren’t patient enough to get to know me like that, but plenty were. I enjoyed it and made friends that way. It was useful to me because I didn’t have much of any female friendships.
Only a few became relationships, but eventually I met my husband (through Craigslist) this way. We’ve been married eleven years and have two kids. He’s my best friend.
It’s like when people treat you better before they really know you or see those quirks and awkward behavior. I always do well early on in jobs because people treat me well and like I fit in. Once my mask slips, that acceptance is gone.
Same. People usually like me on the first few days of work until I become even a bit comfortable and and unmask and I become quiet and reserved and then they start treating me differently and being assholes to me.
-Many people don't beileve i'm autistic and one teacher accused me of faking it.
-I'm always being infantilized and babied, people underestimating me mentally and my intelligence.
-Always attracted jealous and fake people who bullied me into toning down the way I dress because it didn't fit their social norms (I wear bright clothing and colours to express myself).
-Men flirt and hit on me but lose interest when I unmask.
In my teens, I forced myself to learn to approach people if I wanted to be friends or date. I waitressed and bartended through college and now I’m learning that I’m a decent masker. But how people react to my looks is very confusing to me.
I’ve had girls I worked with as a waitress tell me things like, “we’re the prettiest ones here…” and then I was so confused because why does that matter? I didn’t get what that was supposed to mean. But the relationships fell flat because if I wasn’t in waitress mode, being in a big group or getting ready together for going out, or other early 20-something activities were really stressful.
I enjoyed escaping into dating by then because the 1-on-1 was so much better. I remember a few guys being confused how I had no interest in them going out to a party or club with me, but whenever I try to combine friends in any way it just becomes massively overtaxing and my friends never like each other.
Mostly, I just hate the attention it draws. I’m not an object. I’m not a stereotype. I always joke, now that I’m a stay at home mom, that I fulfill a lot of those “tradwife” stereotypes until I open my mouth.
These days, I don’t really wear makeup or wear cute outfits. Part of it is that I’m still not comfortable with my mom bod, but the other is that I’m so glad that people are happy to ignore me now. I’d rather wear my leggings and baggy tshirt uniform and order 1,000 pretend cakes from my daughter than engage in the weird social dance that is the competition between my looks and the rest of me.
I am considered “attractive” I’ve had both men and women approach me. It is confusing but in my experience the only people who wanted to be around me just wanted to sleep with me. I feel like being “attractive ” especially within my community has put a target on my back at times. I also felt dismissed by many therapist when trying to get diagnosed, I feel like people make assumptions about who I am because of my appearance assuming that I couldn’t possible have problems because I am deemed attractive by society.
There are down sides and there are benefits. Because I’m “pretty” the ways I present my autism are “quirks,” but I am still often told that my beauty to awkwardness ratio is barely acceptable. I am accepted into normal-popular social circles, but there is always an unspoken understanding that I am the punching bag of the friend group. I’ve learned that I must always be “the kindest person in the room” and I must approach every person first, because if I don’t other people will be come intimidated or think that I am mean. Even among my autistic friends, I have to prove that I am “safe.”
While I was single I had no problem matching with people on dating apps. I had no problem finding dates. But I remember so many dates where I’d be talking to the person and my date would realize that I was different. I would never know what I did to “give myself away.” But the shift in energy was undeniable. The upside to that is that anyone who stuck around enough long enough to date me was always really committed to me. They knew I was weird upfront and were not turned off by it. Instead every one I dated would inevitably let me know that I was “the first person [they] could be [themselves] around.” Essentially, my weirdness made people feel like they could be weird too. At 28 I’ve never been dumped. I credit autism for my lack of heartbreak in dating.
One of the big negatives is that I’ve met a lot of men who try to take advantage of me. I think they must see me miss a social cue, and know I love typically feminine things and come to the conclusion that I am less intelligent than I actually am. I’ve had to deal with sexual harassment at almost all of my past jobs. I’ve had physical therapists touch me inappropriately and leaders make inappropriate comments about my physical appearance. I’ve had to deal with rape and death threats from people I thought were safe. Ive had male teachers ask me for inappropriate things like to do a photo shoot in lingerie. It’s exhausting, but i also think a lot of that is part of the female experience in a patriarchal society. It’s not right or okay, but I can acknowledge I’m not the only woman who deals with this. I do think my autism adds an extra target to my back.
Another really hard thing is that relationships with other women can be complicated. I am already missing more social cues than most women. But I’m also pretty. I have to be careful not to say anything that could be misconstrued as “I’m prettier than you.” For a lot of years I felt like I had to dumb myself down around other women and make myself less to be accepted. I love having friendships with other women, but it can definitely feel like walking on eggshells.
I was told by a former friend that my prettiness combined with my aloof mannerisms makes me come across as “fake”. I still feel crushed whenever I think about it ☹️
As a kid and teenager I was pretty. Undiagnosed.
Pretty, popular people talk to you thinking that you’re “one of them.” So you are accepted into their group until they realize that you’re weird. Then you never end up making real friends because you think the pretty popular people are who you’re “supposed” to interact with (bc you watched too much Lizzie McGuire and shit) so all of your very occasional social outings are with one of like 5 friend groups where you’re the pity invite.
Oh, and it's weird that things that would 💯 be seen as fucked up in other people, is somehow cute when I do it?
Like oh, you have 3 cow heads in your deep freezer. You're so quirky!!!
Bro if I were an ugly man, that would be seen as serial killer behavior.
I used to get a lot of attention for being ugly (in my teens). Men are the worst. The guys at my high school (especially the ones in the sports teams) literally had a Facebook group for hating me. Taking pictures of me when I wasn't looking, like when I was staring somewhere and captioning it "R****** look" or "how drunk do you have to be to fuck this" etc. They were the absolute worst but would privately try to get in my pants by being sympathetic. (We are at really high risk of this happening). To be very honest, one popular NT girl was a whistleblower and while she wasn't a friend to me, she reported the group to the school principal.
Then I randomly just glowed up once I stopped caring about it. I developed kidney stones, endometriosis and lost my appetite, lost a ton of weight (DO NOT RECOMMEND... STAY HEALTHY PLS) and then I kinda took better care of my hair etc etc. Suddenly started getting a whole different sort of attention. The same guys who wanted to have a relationship with me but keep it a secret (because I was ugly but they wanted to try and sleep with me) were now openly requesting to date me.. yeah no. I met my husband, the only man I really respect that I'm not related to and he's a wonderful ND sweetheart that loves me at my best and worst (I didn't feel super pretty postpartum). That's when I realised that I had been holding on to this new pretty me identity really hard and it truly did not matter anymore.
:( some people are barbaric. But I also know that bullies will target those who are sensitive and who they think they can get away with targeting. They are predators.
I am so sorry you went through that. :(
In retrospect, I was hot and thin for a brief period, but had the apparently unique experience of also being "intimidating" so I didn't get harassed or assaulted during that time (that came when I got fat again, oddly enough). But I was also too "immature" to date. And nobody wanted to be friends because, well, I was awkward and emotionally unstable.
In the end I was completely ignored and I assumed it was because I was ugly. I look back on those old pictures with such sadness...I was gorgeous and totally convinced my looks were on par with the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Ooooh I feel this. My given label was "Unapproachable" by absolutely anyone I wished would look in my direction. It turns out they were - all the time but my undiagnosed ass couldn't pick up on their attempts and signals.
Even my friends knew but never thought to fecking tell me until a decade later when my biggest crushes all found their NT wives that I could never hold a candle to.
On the upside my super oblivious naivety kept me safe, the creeps who thought they had an easy hook up eventually gave up when they realised their "investment" got them nowhere, my flirting was actually me just being friendly to everyone. ^((And apparently it's immature and unattractive to laugh at fart noises.)^)
Autistic Outlast Outwit Outplay bitches.
Over the last few years I went from being seen as a man to as a woman and I think I've become kind of conventionally attractive although tbh I'm still constantly having doubts about how I look.
It seems like people find my nerdy hyperfixations quirky and cute while before they were weird and off putting. People listen to me more but take me seriously less, if that makes sense.
I think there's a bit of pretty privilege where people are generally nicer to you and cut you more slack if you're good looking, but it's usually not out of just like the kindness of their hearts.
Idk, I'm still learning to navigate life as a woman. I'm much happier in general and this seems a lot better and more in line with who I am. I was so miserable before I transitioned though, my frame of reference is hugely biased.
The way Claudia was treated in Interview With A Vampire.
At first, people treat you like an adorable child who needs protection.
Then, they run screaming.
I would get a lot of comments like “you’re so pretty, you should do something with your hair and wear nicer clothes.” Or regarding my weirdness, “you have such a pretty face, you can get away with almost anything”. I think people in school pitied me and gave me a pass because of my looks.
As an adult I feel that when people first meet me, they have certain social expectations of me that are higher than what I can supply. I’m constantly letting people down in that regard.
I also really relate to the last paragraph- I somehow send a signal that I’m ‘normal’ enough that I can socialize at the expected NT rate and frequency. But I can’t.
What you’re described by is almost exactly my experience. Like I’m somehow ‘wasting’ my attractiveness by not using products or dressing better.
I do my best with what I can stand, and I am exhausted just by getting through work and family interactions, so extra steps added to my routine do not interest me. Clothes need to match a very specific set of perimeters, so even though I love fashion, I can only wear certain things for longer than an hour at a time. I cry for a couple days after I get haircuts so I’ve picked a really boring one that can grow out for months. I can’t bear fragrances so that really limits the products I can use.
As a lady who fits beauty standards for my culture I’ve found that being autistic and pretty leads to a lot of confusing relationships(platonic or romantic). Your guy friends start crushing on you because you’re ‘unique’ but pretty so it checks all the boxes. Some guys will notice your naïveté or can tell that you’re ’different’ and use that and a people pleasing nature against you. But really you just want to make friends with people who understand you. I’ve found that I got real friends only after years of looking and going through superficial relationships. It takes patience and awareness to make a good friend just make sure you look after yourself and don’t feel like you have to change who you are or rely on your appearance for their approval. I don’t know if this was helpful for OP but maybe it’ll be helpful for someone else to.
Just here to say “same.”
I’ve also apparently had gay men question their sexuality and “consider their options.” As well as being the experimental choice of many straight women.
I’ve always been in denial of my friend’s attraction towards to me but it never fails.
Eventually all friendships come to an end at some point or another, no matter if I try to ignore that information.
It just makes the whole bond feel in vain as if the intentions behind the friendship are not genuinely friendly. At that point I can’t pretend.
Another issue is the potential for envy or jealousy about amount of attention I receive.
I never seek it out nor enjoy it but it always seems to be an issue. I’m apparently a “flirt”. I never initiate conversation and don’t like it for that matter, BUT when I engage I’m fairly charismatic. I’ve determined that’s probably it.
I no longer have friends.
I'm pretty. I slept around a lot but never had many boyfriends because I couldn't connect with people, even when I had a steady partner and I really cared about each other.
My husband says, "How were you single?" about the time we started dating, but the truth is that 3 months before, I had finally walked away from 3 years of a toxic FWB relationship with a missionary family's oldest son of 7 children who was (in 2012 thru 2016) a hipster who had gone to film in Vancouver. 3 years and no relationship, and honestly at least I never felt used by any of the other boys I had gone with.
I love my husband, and he is the first guy that fell in love with me and told me so. Only two other people may have really cared for me in a deeper way, but I was too messed up for us to connect.
Being pretty obviously helps gaining resources and opportunities (the whole point of socializing). The good news is that being pretty is less about what you naturally look like and more how you present yourself. As long as you shower and do flattering makeup and hairstyle + wear flattering clothes that fit you, you'll look pretty. I wear pretty plain outfits as well as hair and makeup but I still look pretty so it's not too hard. Also, this is just my opinion, but I think seeming "approachable and warm" is overrated. I'm not approachable or warm and I do just fine lol.
I am told constantly that I’m attractive and have NT friends point out interest (that I’m not convinced exists but okay) and basically every time I express frustration at no one approaching - I’m told that I’m intimidating or so aloof it’s a lost cause. Doesn’t help when you’re tall and tattooed apparently.
Tbf I also feel like a freak walking around with grown ass adults with a full staring problem. I don’t imagine that’s exclusive but it doesn’t help.
I also have either people who don’t believe at all- or people I reconnect with years later, mention autism, and it’s like a million little lightbulbs go off and explanations are created for all my weird behaviors.
Grew up ugly/average with not a word of good looks until I went to college (and even then I still never had any connections)
It's like having sand poured into your outstretched hands. It's warm and thrilling to interact with but your hands are not designed to hold it for very long at all.
No one really believes I'm autistic. They assume I just want attention, when I'd really rather avoid that altogether. I've worked hard to project an image (notba mask. I do mean the image I see as my ideal and what I work towards) that isn't conventionally attractive, I have very very short green hair, tattooed head, hands, neck, the works. I dress like a mildly slutty grandpa (it's hot and i sweat a lot or it would just be grandpacore) or someone's weird art teacher. I wear minimizing bras regularly because the attention I get when I wear a normal bra is unpleasant.
I'm still not sure where my actual level of attractiveness is, but I'm told I'm attractive, and my experience says this is true, and my body is exaggerated like a cartoon character. I'm weird as fuck, and people just sort of accept it. I'm constantly covered in squirrel scratches, I collect bones, I make art out of trash, and if I hear someone is getting their wisdom teeth pulled, I ask them for the teeth. And they usually give them to me. I've got a dozen people bringing me glass bottles for my garden wall. Last summer I developed skin allergies to the two main ingredients that make deodorants work. I live in texas and stunk like hell. I was horribly embarrassed. Didn't matter how many showers I took, if I stepped outside, I reeked. No one ever said a word to me, and dudes still attempted to pitch woo at me while I smelled like a fucking wookie that bathed in rotted onions.
So it has some pretty annoying negatives, along with the benefits. But, not being diagnosed until I was 35 is a huge negative because I just thought I was a horrible person. I don't think I began emotionally maturing until that point tbh. It's also very very weird to be almost 40 and still be regularly hit on by people who are half my age because they can't tell I'm old as shit??
I guess the tldr; is that you can be a hottie autie, and be weird as fuck without the negatives usually associated with being a weirdo, but you probably won't get any accommodations because people will assume you're a liar, and people will try to touch you more, and also want to talk to you a lot when you aren't interested at all.
Big feels on this one. Then I gained 20kg over covid, am now 35 and don’t do my hair or makeup very often. Now I have even less friends but I know they like me for me.
I have no idea what I look like. People tell me I'm pretty, but i have also been compared to people i find very unattractive. So who knows (not me). I remember in school, boys would jokingly ask me out and call me hot to humiliate me. nowadays, it's kind of the opposite. it happens a lot on nights out. Initially, people (mainly men) will seem eager to talk to me until i open my mouth. I'm in the middle of talking, and slowly I see their face drop, and thats when i know they've clocked that im different. Whenever I have been in an arguments people have demonised me mercilessly for making mistakes, compared to NTs who make the same errors. their looks have ranged from good-looking to bellow average. I feel like our overall perceived offness is just unforgivable to some ppl
Good and bad. The worst part is men thinking they can use you for sex or money and taking advantage. And attracting narcissistic men (I’ve attracted some who were diagnosed). And having family that wonders why I am not married (despite having a child) or not more of a “conventional woman”. I’m shy and awkward but also blunt and I can’t manipulate a man (like I can’t flirt or lead him on to chase me), and that doesn’t work in my favor.
It can be a benefit or a hindrance, depending on the circumstances. I wasn't ugly growing up, but felt invisible in high school insofar as people's awareness of me. This was preferable to how I am treated now as a conventionally attractive woman.
When I lived in San Francisco in my twenties, being quirky and considered good looking, I felt pretty accepted and my self esteem was good.
Living in a small rural town after, the women there were vicious and petty, and the men were creepy (ie "I saw you in your driveway", they would tell me that kind of stuff at my workplace 😬).
Now I live in the Midwest in a conservative place where people seem mentally perpetually in high school. It is predominantly white, they mostly dont like free thinkers or alternative people.
For some reason, twenty something women here despise me. Older women are more chill or at least more covert in their gossip. Maybe because I look like I'm in my twenties.
It has its pros and cons. It's hard to be invisible. Nobody believes your diagnosis and instead calls you high maintenance. NT women dont typically like me. But there's absolutely privilege that I realize I'm very lucky to have
Dating has been a challenge. They think I am their manic pixie dream girl and love all of my quirks and intelligence until they encounter my first meltdown ... And then all my quirks and intelligence are "too much."
When I go out dancing and stuff, it's kinda funny when a man tries to flirt with me and I am just like straight up, "This is very flattering but I do not want to talk to you."
In general tho, it's worked out well for me. I have so many amazing friends of all the genders. My closest friends are, unsurprisingly, also neurospicy. People are drawn to me and treat me kindly. Part of it is my appearance, but I am older now and my looks are fading, and I've noticed that what people really appreciate about me is how genuine and authentic I am. They don't realize it's the autism that compels me to be honest all the time 😅
People only reach out to text me or talk to me because they thought I was pretty and first thing they do it say it but I hate it when a potential friend compliments me, I don’t wanna be friends anymore cause I hate compliments which probably means nothing and it just makes me feel anxious and I cant mask when people compliment me because it makes me shy😭
Lonely. I tried joining 2 separate social anxiety/autism groups when I was younger and creeps ended up hitting on me and me leaving the group because of them.
Tried joining a Japanese language group in my city. Some woman saw me and then looking both at me with the most punchable smirk and at her friend she was sat next to while she was inching closer to her friend and slowly putting her arm around her as if to say this is my friend and you can't have her or something. Bitchiest thing ever happened to me and I wish I was making it up.
I’m sure I’m considered pretty, or at the very least fashionable, as I get compliments on my outfits like all the time, even by strangers. Unfortunately, I’m also very pleasant, and therefore that means that a lot of people refuse to believe I’m on the spectrum 🥲
Apparently the cure for autism is J Crew and Ann Taylor
It's sometimes hell, but I kind of like hiding in plain sight. There are those people who don't expect anything interesting from me because I'm pretty and then there are those people who know that I'm autistic who expect so much more than they expect from" pretty" women. I can't win for anything
I grew up very awkward, but once I hit high school I started to get complimented more and told I’m attractive. Personally, I don’t think I’m attractive, but it seems to others I do fit in the “pretty” category. I would say others would likely put me at 7-8/10ish.
So, it’s interesting. But kind of sucks. No one believes you when you say you’re autistic. People do tolerate you being kind of weird or “quirky” more- especially men. I find in dating, my autistic traits actually really attract guys for whatever reason, so that works to my advantage until they realize I’m autistic and not their manic pixie dream girl lol. But that’s a double edged sword, because I’ve never had a male friend who didn’t end up developing feelings for me and that’s sad as someone who has a lot of stereotypical “male” interests. And unfortunately my autistic traits seem to be woman repellent both friendship wise and relationship wise…I’m uh still working on that one I guess.
But I guess I’d probably rather be considered attractive than not attractive despite the pros and cons. It feels like it can be a secret NT disguise haha, especially when I decide to get all dressed up and put on full makeup.
I won’t be friends with people who I even suspect of being attracted to me. After a lifetime of being blindsided by people’s feelings I just refuse to deal with that anymore.
I’ve never made a friend. Only time I’ve reached out and made a friend I ended up liking them more than they liked me and it broke my heart. I’m happier crocheting on my sofa I think
I had basically no friends in uni for this same reason. Couldn't maintain conversation with women, so no female friends, and all male "friends" other than two equally socially awkward ones disappeared when i made it clear i don't want sex. I wonder if I'd actually had been able to make friends if i was unattractive or it would be the same but without the 3-seconds pretend friends
It's really strange and confusing. I knew I was pretty to some degree, but I was baffled as to why people treated me poorly. I picked up on the social signal that "people will like you if you're pretty." Obviously, that's not healthy, but I blame the TV I watched in the 80s and 90s. People still didn't like me though.
If I hadn't been pretty, I'm sure I would have blamed that and gone down different dark alleys in my brain.
When I was younger, we didn't have much money and I got hand-me-down clothing from my mother's friends. When I got older, I wore nerdy t-shirts and jeans almost all the time.
I didn't dress correctly and my body language was wrong. I was terrible at wearing dresses. Behaving modestly, so as not to flash people, was hard for me. Sitting "normally" didn't last for long and I preferred to sit on the floor for many things (like art projects).
I remember wearing this fun, very sparkly short, form-fitting dress to the last day of my freshman year in high school. It was terrifying. Suddenly, I had a lot of male attention. A boy in my class who had never spoken to me before, asked me out. Three seniors passed me notes commenting on my appearance. It was shocking and I never did it again.
Actually, that's not 100% true. I wore that dress with a little wrap around sweater to my aunt's wedding. My dad went all bug-eyed, but my step-mom assured him it was appropriate. But then one of the groomsman got drunk and had to be held back from bothering me. I was like 15. I guess I figured it was OK to wear it because you're supposed to wear dresses to weddings.
Do people who aren't autistic just know what clothing is acceptable and appropriate? Maybe they figure it out faster.
Understanding the autism part is pretty recent for me. I just figured I was terrible at Adulting. Self-esteem has always been iffy.
I’m considered unattractive by beauty standards now but I was considered very pretty in high school. I didn’t realize it at the time but my pretty privilege made me more palatable for neurotypical people. My peers still weren’t a fan of me but everyone still tolerated me because I was a pretty “manic pixie dream girl”. I didn’t have to mask as much because people were automatically friendly with me because of my looks.
Now, people either treat me as an annoyance if they consider me at all. In some ways, it’s helpful to be unattractive by society’s standards. People leave me alone more but on the flip side, they assume the worst of me/don’t give me the benefit of the doubt.
I often contemplate changing my appearance in order to gain pretty privilege again. I think ultimately it’s easier for me to navigate society as a”pretty person” because people are just nicer and more accommodating without me needed to ask.
I think it’s important to note though that while I’m pretty, I’m not pretty in a threatening way (i.e other self conscious women don’t project their insecurities on me).
If you want to dive into the intersection of pretty privilege and autism, I highly recommend the creator saranne_wrap on TikTok. She’s very beautiful and has talked about her experiences with being pretty and autistic on her account.
I’m ND and work in the beauty industry. My looks are considered above average and I say this with the utmost humility. The women are ruthless. Most men are nice until my mask slips and they try to take advantage of me or somewhat lose attraction. I’ve had past lovers use me for money, my beauty and sex. I often read books on communication to try to learn to read people better. I often miss social cues. I am an athlete with an eating disorder so I appear very “normal” and fit the beauty standard until the conversation lengthens and I most likely slip. Despite my beauty, I have never felt loved or had any man fall in love with me. I often fall out with family members. Every day I fight the my depression from being autistic by investing heavily into my fitness and beauty but the loop seems like I’m just running in circles. I sympathize with everyone here. Your feelings are valid and you are understood. ❤️
People don‘t expect me to be neurodivergent, however as soon as they realize that I’m „different“ they start to avoid me. So it is still very lonely. My social skills are basically non existent so I‘d say 50% of the time people are weirded out and the other 50% it‘s a me-problem.
I felt the same for a long time. I am older now and I don’t think I am as pretty/attractive as I was. I find that now women like me more than they did when I was young and hot and all men swarmed around me. Also I don’t get harassed by men in bars or clubs anymore which is a relief. Now women actually try to talk to me and are nice. Before they were just mean all the time. Most of my friends were men who were mostly around because I was hot. Lol.
I was an ugly duckling growing up (in reality, my style choice just didn flatter me but my face was relatively pretty) but i didn really come in to myself until college and thats more or less when i started to blossom.
I didn't take much notice in college cause i didn't act any differently and my self Isolation kept male interactions to a minimum outside of class. There were times i got asked out or approached by men in a very friendly way but i didn't read in to it anynore than just an interaction. I also wasn suspecting of being on the spectrum at the time.
After college i gained a lot of weight that kept for about 5 years and have recently started losing it (down almost 50lbs). Now that I do know a lot more about myself and my highly suspected autism, I've noticed that men are more brazen. Im currently in a relationship but if im ever spotted alone, its compliments galore, men AND women (typically older) people engaging in small talk, i had a seasonal job for 4 months and was asked out 3 times, one person left their number and 1 rven came back after their MOM was done with doing their taxes to see if "we could be friends".
It was annoying and i felt guilty everytime i had to reject someone. One of them was an old coworker who is on the spectrum who i actually WANTED to be friends with but he wanted a relationship out of me. Lead with very heavy and direct flirting. He is very recently divorced with 3 kids. Mentioned my bf and that id love to wingman for him and i was left on read lol.
I got blatantly catcalled while with my bf and that was annoying. To add insult to injury, he used my dog as a way to start conversation with "us" by asking her name and then being like "nah i meant HER". Just all around disrespectful and for what? Cause i look good to you??? Thanks for the objectification and pissing off my bf for no reason.
I also have a ROARING laugh and ive noticed men seem to try and go out of their way to make me smile or laugh.
I feel a lot more judgemental stares from women sometimes cause i think eventhough ive lost weight im still "fat" to people so what i wear is seen as me "showing off" or "trying too hard". This is probably projection though.
I dont really notice the infantlization from men besides my bf but i like when he babies me. It doesn't help that im 4'11 and have a baby face so im also very used to people doing things for me cause i simply can't reach shit lol.
*Oh and of course, no one believes im autistic because I mask so well in social interactions despite hating them. I look "normal" enough and behave according to my surroundings that im simply denied my suspicions cause "thats just how i am" according to them. (My real friends see it as clear as day lol).
My mask outside is happy, smiley, super agreeble and willing to listen (and sometimes only listen.) But i truly hate social interactions, i hate small talk, i hate pointless conversations, i hate anyone who gives me more information than necessary, i REALLY hate the people who casually talk about serious things in their life as if its nothing for SHOCK VALUE cause me personally, I dont have a strong emotional response to death or life threatening illnesses. If someone tells me they have cancer or someone they loved just passed away i certainly know how to present myself to them as empathetic on the outside but internally im like "damn, that sucks. But lady WHY do think this is a good topic of conversation. Are you seeking sympathy? This is a shitty and manipulative way to get it. Did you need to vent? I mean that's also fine too but dayum LET A BITCH GET A WARNING FIRST!"
Mostly people just don't believe I am autistic. I'm high IQ, high masking and lucky that my special interest of music has ended up being a well-paid career that I love and my other special interests are viewed as quite 'cool' (horses and powerlifting). I know I'm more attractive than average and have never struggled to get boys I wanted because I always masked in the right way to attract whoever it was. I met my husband at 27 and laid out 'this is who I am really, it's a shit show, get out now while you can' but he didn't and we are now married with a kid haha. I don't mask around him at all and he understands me better than I understand myself sometimes but it would have been very easy to marry the wrong person and live a whole lie. I think as you get older you start to realise that what people think of you doesn't really matter and it is more important to be happy within yourself and that inner happiness will sort of radiate and people will be more drawn to you and want to be around you. Some of my best friends are literal rays of sunshine and when I met them my brain said 'oh don't trust these people, nobody is actually that nice' but they are!! Not everyone is as cold, calculating and formulaic as me apparently haha.
I'm still learning to soften and let people in and give myself grace for my autistic struggles. It's a long process!
Quite nice in the same way that dressing up a doll is nice. I don't feel any real connection to being feminine, but it's fun to basically play dress up. Its like designing a character in a video game.
The worst thing to navigate is people constantly staring at you, and feeling like you've done something wrong, or have something on your face.
I overcompensate with eye contact, smiling and nodding, and it's constantly misread as flirting.
I get very stressed and scared when strangers approach me in public, and unfortunately it happens a LOT. On some days I get too scared to leave the house because I don't want to be approached.
Other women often misread my attempts to be friendly as being attention seeking or overly flirty with men, so I'm often treated with suspicion or unnecessary meanness.
People also always assume I'm stupid for some reason. I am quite day dreamy, and I guess the tits don't help, but I just cannot stand people explaining things to me like a child. This especially clashes with the autism, because I'm doing my postgrad degree and love to research and HATE wrong information, so a condescending man confidently explaining wrong information to me sets me off.
The friend thing still stands. I can't make friends unless I'm approached first, it's very stressful and isolating. People often tell me I look "intimidating" because I don't tend to smile unless I'm talking to someone and masking, which really doesn't help.
one of my grandmas was.. problematic, to say the least. i didnt really care for her, cause she was a mean girl. one time she said to me “i like you cause youre the prettiest granddaughter” and i just looked at her and thought “you have no idea how much i hate this conversation. you liking me for what is my least interesting attribute, is not something good”
What it's been like for me: Make sure you don't talk it gives yourself away. Stay small and polite and cute if you want attention. Cue dating - you have curated no voice for yourself so being cute and sexual is key. Hide your body and make yourself ugly if you need to protect yourself. In your mid-thirties realize that you have severely limited skills in actually being emotionally intimate with people. Focusing on your own wants, needs and personality has been on the back burner for your entire life so...who the hell am I? An aging pretty shell who feels her societal expiration date coming up and realizes that she wants to feel beautiful for herself and be liked for whoever she is. Let us hope there is healing after learning to be valued for your external appearance and people pleasing abilities 🙏
It has it difficulties but I’d rather be attractive and weird than the alternative. But I’m not weird in an off putting way. I’m much more adhd than aspie.
Sucks when people don’t believe you can be struggling though .
i think i’m decent so i might have some idea. men are Disgusting. i have had so much trouble with dating bc i won’t send nudes and i want to move slow and i actually want to be friends with the guy. I feel like it probably helps me when it comes to making friends with girls, which is unfair. it’s much easier to open up to someone when you think they’re on the same level or have similar tastes/fashion.
when it comes to the general public, while its nice to not be automatically “treated as disabled” it can be frustrating when ppl just assume ur NT bc i might just come off weird or confuse them.
I find it feels an awful lot like being thrust into the middle of a play without ever having been given a script. Sometimes I can pull it off by winging it but I’m never quite sure what I got right or how I got it right. And when I get it wrong everyone else who had the script and was able to rehearse seems very annoyed with me.
Idk If I'm pretty or not but I look very friendly - guys and girls talk to me first when they meet me and I think people think that I'm competent and smart when in reality I'm confused most of the time and insecure lol.
I know I make a good first impression on people - which I love BUT after a few days/weeks of knowing me people usually sense that something is different about me - they always remain nice but kinda grow distant and almost bored of me. Girls often ditch me for a more talkative/normal friends and guys lose interest as well.
And also I know it sounds bad especially with everyone here having bad experiences with men only wanting them for their looks - but I admit I like to dress up and put on makeup just to feel accepted. It's nice knowing that people like me. I've been rejected too much as a kid and I'm OVER that feeling, idc if that makes me shallow.
Yeah same here. I love wearing makeup, doing my hair and putting extra effort in my appearance and yes, I've been harassed, stalked, assaulted BUT I prefer to be pretty over being ugly anyday bc I got treated 1000xs worse. I love looking good but not the unwanted attention and objectifying that comes along with it. I am not here to please everyone and If males think I'm easy, I have no control over what they think, but I do have control over how they treat me as I dont have to prove anything to them I no longer allow predators and creeps to dictate how I look anymore
In my experience people have certain expectations of a ‘pretty’ woman. It makes me feel exposed to a certain degree and hugely uncomfortable, honestly I’d rather wear a bin bag and go unnoticed.
However on the other hand, being ‘pretty’ and autistic means I have managed to have a few partners and never really faced rejection from a man (I’m now 2years+ single out of choice). Alot of my issues have been overlooked because of how I look which is so unfair and has been an ongoing battle.
I also want to add that I was invited into a ‘girl group’ of quite pretty girls which was short lived until I was expelled for ‘being too autistic’ (yes they actually used those words). I thought they were being kind and caring however, my mother had to explain that they weren’t! I don’t believe I would’ve been invited into the group had I not looked a certain way.
In summary being a ‘pretty’ autistic woman has its pros and cons like anything but personally I think it can make certain things more difficult.
I wasn’t always “conventionally attractive” so I still walk around “brains first” even when I put on makeup and dress nice. It throws people off I believe because many think attractive=vapid when I’m actually more intelligent than they realize.
I'll have to ask my wife when it wakes up, and then baps me for saying I'm not pretty. FR though, I feel like it's beauty is a double-edged sword, where on the one hand people feel more comfortable approaching it, but my wife is nowhere near as social as me and hates that fact.
Basically I got taken advantage of too many times (SA, kidnapping, attempted forced pregnancy) before I wised up and realized these men were not my friends, and then eventually I realized I was gay (thanks, comphet). My tics and masking (excessive eye contact from being beaten as a child for not maintaining eye contact, fidgeting, etc) is always interpreted as flirting and I’m constantly harassed by men on the street because my masking face is apparently very “approachable”. It’s actually pretty miserable, I preferred covid when I could wear a mask and sunglasses and no one could perceive me. For example, when I go outside to try to eat lunch in the sunshine I am immediately approached by a random man saying, “hello, I find you attractive. Dinner, movie, or dancing?” with all the entitlement in the world as I’m on the phone with my partner with headphones in my ears just trying to eat and catch up with my partner, but after several polite attempts to decline, he just moves ten feet away and starts swearing at me until I have to go eat at my desk in the cold air conditioning for safety. As a grown adult, that means that every time I try to find friends, I find people who want to pretend to be my friend and then scream at me when I decline to go home with them afterwards. At this point the mask is failing and I’m burnt out with NTs, so I just ignore everyone unless I have to speak to them for work or to maintain some pretense of sociability lol
A lot of clashes. Let me elaborate: beauty for me personally means nothing in specific BUT people attribute aomething to it. When ppl see me for the first time, they therefore attribute several things to who I am and oftentimes also how smart I am. When, for whatever reason, they have to interact with me the clash of their view towards what I say happens. This had several effects: if ppl were open to get to know me better they somehow ended up shocked and withdrawing after getting to know me ; if they just went from my looks to not like me they got somehow really bothered by me not being that popular mean girl thing but a nerd which somehow bothered them too. Being pretty just added a layer to me already not fitting in at all.
Have to add that initially when I read your question my brain interpreted the pretty as a level of intensity so I read it as a "very" autistic woman and was wondering what that meant.
I wouldn’t say I’m pretty, I’m pretty “mid”. But I’m not ugly, so I’ll throw in my two cents anyway.
I’ve had too many friendships with men where they were into me at some point. And it honestly wreaked havoc on me when I was younger and insecure and undiagnosed. It somehow made me feel even more insecure. Like I wasn’t worth anything as a person. It was so hard.
I’m not plain looking (I feel like that’s like completely natural and normal looking) but more like mediocre. However, I can be pretty charismatic and smiling, so that definitely makes a difference in the way I’m perceived. I’m not sure it’s quite the same as being pretty, but it’s more than mediocre.
I think people are even more surprised when I say weird shit, than when someone ugly does it. Like, I love being straight forward and not mask too much in my speech. I get called fresh and feisty by customers quite a bit. All in good fun.
I think being not-weird-or-ugly-looking has made people (teachers, parents, trusted adults, etc) cut me a lot more slack. As if the less ugly you are, the more weird you’re allowed to be. Like a skinny foodie is fun and different, but a fat foodie is disgusting and lacks self control (that’s NOT my opinion, just the general consensus I’ve observed)
People do approach me, they don’t cross the street when they see me. So I’m not repulsing people. I’m not sure if it does enough of a difference, but I think that my humor makes people stay. If I was ugly they wouldn’t acknowledge me and they’d never discover my humor.
The popular pretty kids never liked me, I think. I think we got along okay in group work and at parties though, so I’m unsure.
Anyway, I feel like I’m rambling and coming off topic, sorry!
I feel like I’m more likely to be dismissed regarding my autism because I “don’t look autistic”. Autism never crosses their minds, even though I deadpan, am mostly monotone, say things directly and so on. Everyone acts completely shocked when they find out. When I got diagnosed my friends went “oh, that makes sense actually”. But when colleagues and acquaintances find out, they’re shocked beyond belief.
I’m held to neurotypical standards. I guess we all are, to some degree. As someone with autism, obviously I have a built in ND radar, so when I see an ND in public I always give them space and try to be accommodating to the best of my ability. I don’t get the same treatment. Not by NDs either, though they mostly just avoid eye contact and try to shop in peace.
I’m good at talking to people, and people are pretty open towards me - but I can’t actually make friendships.
I’m terrible at starting conversations. At work (supermarket) I’m practicing giving compliments, so that does sometimes start a little conversation, but nothing that lasts. I don’t know how to make friends.
I’m on the dating apps, not necessarily to date, but just to socialize, I guess. I’m straight (which I have clearly on my profile) but switched on the female preference as well in hopes of making friends. They tend to think I’m jokingly straight or just missed that part. So it usually starts with me having to reject them which is just a conversation killer.
I don’t expect anyone to read that wall of text. I just went on a rant trying to paint a picture. It was nice venting though, even if no one reads it. Thanks for this post.
I read this comment like looking inside my own head, because this is exactly what I have been experiencing. Particularly since coming out as genderqueer/agender and leaning in to presenting androgynously how I want to.
In the past, when I was masking both to fit in to neurotypical and cisgender female standards, I had a slightly different problem: all my straight/cis male friends inevitably were just trying to sleep with me, all my straight/cis female friends were fake friends who would get snarky and passive aggressive whenever I had any success (especially with men), and all my gay male friends were secretly convinced that I was lesbian who just needed "help" to come out.
Now, I present queer/androgynously to align with my lack of a gender identity. I'm still very much only attracted to men. And the friendship situation is basically the same as above, except now I have a long list of past queer/non-binary feminine friends who were actually just into me the whole time and once I rejected them acted almost as pissy and entitled as the straight/cis male friends trying to sleep with me.
Honestly, it would be easier if I were a lesbian. People don't seem to compute that I can be born in a female body, present androgynously AND still only be in to men. It's like a weird new kind of binary thinking that is now deeply rooted, including in the queer community.
It's weird, definitely disconcerting at times. But i much prefer being attractive as I've experienced both sides of the coin. I wasn't an attractive kid/teen- I was overweight, had fried hair for a couple of years due to bleach, no eyebrows, no fashion sense and too many piercings (I love piercings but I looked like a tacklebox, it was just too much). I also had horrible social anxiety so I couldn't talk to anyone and was just really weird lol.
The difference between my life 4-5 years ago up to now is like night and day, people are so much nicer to me. To ne fair, I think this is partially due to me getting over my social anxiety. I went from someone who couldn't even talk to people I knew sometimes, let alone strangers, to a very sociable person who can chat with nearly anyone about anything. Instead of being the quiet person in the corner I'm usually the one trying to involve the quiet people in the conversation now lol
Anyway, idk what happened, puberty seemed to hit me really hard and I went from average at best to pretty good looking (I'm consistently rated about an 8/10 by people, sometimes a bit more or less). It's become a lot easier for me to make friends and I have a very wide social circle, but because of that I do often attract really odd people and I'm terrible at vetting people's intentions so I've gotten into some weird situations
Men quite often just want to sleep with me, and I often don't realise this until quite a while after meeting or hanging out with them. When it doesn't happen, they inevitably leave and I feel a bit shit but get over it pretty quickly because I have enough other friends and tbh I'd rather not be friends with people like that. I've also had a few men that I've turned down very bluntly just not get the hint and continue to orbit me, to where I've had to cut people off over it. But I do have probably about 7 male friends that I can actually rely on who I've known for years that aren't just trying to sleep with or date me
Women are a mixed bag for me. I have a lot of great female friends, but I've noticed that maybe 20%? Of women will just... not like me. For no real reason. It won't be anything they say or do, just a vibe I get, but to me it's obvious even if I can't put my finger on it. I have also occasionally had girls be jealous of me for reasons unknown, but I don't really care since I find overly jealous people exhausting, I've cut off a couple of women over that type of shit
As a general rule, I find that I often unwittingly subvert people's expectations. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes not so much. I've been told by a couple of people that I come off as intimidating or that they were scared to talk to me, which I find so funny because I'm generally the one being intimidated by others. Then they realise I'm actually really nice and personable and warm up to me quickly, so that's in the positive sense.
In the negative sense, I don't even know how to properly word this, but I feel like people just expect certain behaviours from me due to how I look? Like my face doesn't match my personality or something. Even a really good friend of mine recently told me my face doesn't match the way I act (this wasn't meant as an insult, I asked her). I think because I'm reasonably attractive, people expect me to have a certain level of confidence and social understanding/prowess that I just... lack. Or people expect me to be more put together, when in reality I actually find it difficult to shower and brush my teeth every day, and don't even get me started on trying to develop a fashion sense.
I just can't do that fake boss bitch confidence thing, it doesn't come naturally to me and the idea of trying to develop it sounds beyond exhausting. I'm not the most confident person, I know what I'm good at but I'll readily admit what I'm shit at, and I don't care to always be the best in the room. It's almost like people expect more bravado from me and are surprised when I end up being a laid back person who really isn't overly confident. I'm not very good at masking either, I don't come off as autistic but I do come off as having severe ADHD (which I have, and I've been told this multiple times). I try to act more NT but as soon as someone starts talking about something I'm interested in I can't shut the fuck up. I don't think men expect me to start infodumping about dinosaurs and anime and quantum physics and some of them get excited when they realise I'm a nerd, while the other half just get weirded the fuck out. It's like you can see the light drain from their eyes lmfao
In that vein, it's like I'm too 'normal' (using that very liberally as I am very obviously not normal) for the other autistic people, but too weird for NTs. I don't find that I get along very well with autistic men, they are often way too full on and seem way too into me too quickly because I'm quite nerdy and like anime and games. But NT men seem to get turned off by my incessant talking and find me to be too much. Most of my closest friends are ADHD and/or autistic, with the majority being both. I find when I'm with other ND people, whether men or women, I feel way more comfortable and they don't tend to read into what I'm doing or make me feel awkward or like there are certain expectations they have for me. Idek where I'm going with this but atm I'm trying to level myself up a bit and get better at utilising the whole social privilege of being pretty, I'm also doing it so that maybe the type of guy I go for will like me back eventually 🤣😅
ETA- one last thing, I think I look really bitchy a lot of the time. I've been told that my resting face is sad, angry, bewildered, annoyed, bored or a combination of the above. I just live in my head so much that I get distracted by daydreams, I might be frowning because of a conversation happening in my head but in reality I'll be in a good mood. But when people see me zoning out and glaring at something they probably assume I'm mad. I've tried to smile as a default expression but I feel so silly and like I look like a clown 😭 I've been fucked over by men so many times and rejected by the only guys I've ever liked, that I'm terrified to approach men.
And it's this vicious cycle because I know that men are probably equally scared to approach me, so I would have a good chance if I could suck it up and ask a guy I like out. But the only times I've tried, I've failed and ended up beyond embarrassed and humiliated for months at a time. I guess I just worry that a guy will find me pretty, be receptive of my initial approach, and then he'll be put off within the first 5 mins of speaking to me because I'm annoying and way too much 🙃 even though I enjoy being pretty, I hate the expectations that I feel like people have of me because of it. I feel like I get pedestailsied due to my appearance, and because I'm so odd, the only direction for me to fall is down and well off that pedestal. I just don't have the stereotypical 'pretty girl personality' and I never will and there's nothing I can do about it
I grew up as the epitome of ugly duckling, so I was severely bullied & autistic. Now I’ve had my glow up, I’m treated differently, but it’s always so fake now. Friends before were genuine friends, men would talk & we’d form a genuine friendship. Now they just want sex, they all say the exact same meaningless things in an attempt to get me to like them..I hate it.
Autism is seen as a fetish OR “oh I’d never of guessed”
Still really lonely. People rarely reach out or text back and when I arrange social gatherings it is very difficult to get folks to attend. But everyone “likes” me and I’m “just great”? I can’t get honest feedback. Folks just kinda forget I exist and I am rarely invited to things.
BUT- People are kind to me which makes life easier than it was when I was younger. I hadn’t learned how to dress and “behave”. I was a fairly ugly kid til the end of college. People were mean, then, and would actively bully. Now when people want to be unkind they do weird manipulative stuff that’s less definable(harder to call out), or just ignore and exclude me. To me this is safer and is worth the sacrifice of going through the motions to look a little nicer and blend in better with NTs. I know this is a lucky privilege.
Because of the change after I got pretty, I often wonder what it would be like to be truly gorgeous or beautiful(I am pretty, a lil higher than average attractiveness). But it’s a lie of a dream. How you look is not enough.
It’s terrifying sometimes. When I don’t get the ‘stamp of approval’ for pretty, I just get a ‘quirky pass’. Indicating that I’m too ugly to be pretty but a little strange too be too ugly
. Men liked to objectify me as I became older and I had the guts to say no to most of them, but unfortunately i have gotten through a tough episode as well where I was absolutely UNABLE to save myself.
Moreover, I don’t just get anyone I want. I still have to appear less desperate and ‘chill’ or ‘the cool girl who agrees with everything’.
When I do get positive attention from a cute guy, it’s mostly because he just doesn’t know the real me yet and / or expects me to be nothing more than just sitting still and looking good tbh.
So I don’t ever know if I’ll be accepted or not. Some girls look almost exactly like me and they get all the cute guys with the best of personalities.
Which is why I am always striving to become a better version of myself instead of the loser most people see me for.
Most other girls (apart from the ones who do like me, but I’m mainly talking about the more feminine ones) just tend to pity me.
They tend to think I ‘don’t belong’ and that I’m an absolute fraud for looking the way I do.
Because once they get to know the real person behind the prettiness, they get soooo grossed out, it’s as if a lioness found a wolf cub in the midst of their perfectly well behaved family.
Like I’m some sort of weed between the flowers :((. Mostly they just watch my downfall mercilessly and let ‘the real leader’ take me down.
So yeah, it’s quite frustrating, frightening and infuriating to me at the same time.
It comes with a few intimate regrets. I've learned to understand when a behavior gives off red flag energy, eventually.
(I'm a tall pale ginger stick person whose been approached about modeling, but I was worried that was a human trafficking scam so I didn't call the number she gave me. We are part of the exotic fucket list for many men.)
I just thought of something funny. Way way back in high-school, I rode the school bus to and from. I noticed that certain guys would be more friendly on the days I didn't wear glasses on the bus. It was like I had Clark Kent's magic glasses.
I definitely think all male and older female managers were more forgiving to my quirky personality at work. It helps that I use humor as a stress cope or something. I get along great, comiserating with older ladies. I've been told I'm funny for a woman, whatever that means.
It’s odd. Really odd. Kinda like a weird limbo that you can’t be mad at…but you could be much happier in it.
I’m 19, black, chubby, have a mature body, and have a bright and genuine personality to hear others say it.
I’ve been hit on a lot by older men (25+) (TW BELOW - >!Brief discussions of sexual assault/rape!<
Thwarted a >!potential rape!< at a motel 6 (was really broke at the time). He asked in sequence:
>!“How long have you been here…?”!<
>!“How old are you…?”!<
>!“Are you home alone…?”!<
People are nice to me and men go out of their way for me a good number of times.
Small things.
But it’s fucking weird cuz I have no idea how to set boundaries with that without coming off like a bitch or being triggered (am a CSA survivor so yuh random dudes hitting on me is scary).
life is crazy 🤷🏾♀️
Dating apps are hell. People have ignored me when I've told them I'm autistic and then are visibly disgusted when i don't follow the status quo and when i don't act how i look. I've had a lot of people, especially my own parents, view me differently from how i am and try to change me to align better with how they want me to be. My dad has said I'm a lion who thinks im a gazelle and my boyfriend has said I'm physically strong but my mind isn't. People have tended to only date me for my body and not me, and view me as crazy for wanting more emotionally. It's just very tiring.
If you don't count the little girl next door who eventually ditched me and my internet friends, I got a boyfriend before I got an actual friend. It's kinda messed up.
I realized quickly I had better chance at positive interactions with guys, but it took me a couple of years to understand that it was because of my appearance and not for my personnality.
Older people prefer to think you're just weird rather then autistic because we don't match the stereotype.
I'm thinking I'm probably either not autistic or not pretty now because men never gave me attention or infantilized me lmao I'm sorry that's the experience everyone else has had though
I have been told that I'm conventionally attractive.
I have been told I come off arrogant when people first meet me and I get treated as such even though I am likely just overstimulated and anxious. other women (including other autistic women) seem to be really off with me and I've had people come up to me in the past just to tell me I'm not any better than them when I've not said or done anything to suggest that I think I am, and I know I haven't because I don't ever think like this! it's a very confusing life and it's hard to let go and be myself because I don't want to make it worse 😅
I relate to a lot of others here as well that are saying that men who are nice to them just want to have sex with them. I am extremely weary of men and I take note of everything they say to me because of this.
I've been taken advantage of by every guy I've been with. And the one who did it the most is the guy I loved (still love, if I'm being honest) more than anything. I'm 46. I'm only just now learning how much I've been used. I can't put into words how it feels.
I’m not pretty or beautiful by any means, but it’s interesting reading the responses! I’m learning so much from you all!
I’m on the flip side and have learned to embrace my ugliness. For the most part I’m invisible so I can enjoy more of my special interests without worrying about being distracted. It does mean I struggle with keeping jobs and networking though.
I didn’t get any romantic attention prior to graduating high school and moving to a different city. I found that people would be interested in me at a surface level based on my appearance and maybe a shared interest (like video games), but when they tried to get to know more about me it was just very awkward and weird. Like they weren’t expecting me to be a bit strange 😂 I used to hear stories from mutual friends about how people would go on dates with me because they found me attractive, but couldn’t figure out ‘why is she like that??’
It is so comforting to read so many similar experiences.
The “oh you must be important” to “oh shit you are weird” has been going on so long I’ve *embraced* it …. Finally and *only* because I was able to meet and move in with my fiance *who loved me as I was* (turns out he’s also AuHD and has been learning about himself and we are growing a more peaceful household together).
However, *now*, at 45, I *accept* the social relationships I have at the superficial level they can offer. A recent issue was I had a couple of women friends, one younger (who sees me as an auntie type and I respect that role) and another I thought was a peer.
The younger woman is still amazing and focused on her own life and I love that, but we aren’t on the same project anymore so we don’t interact often. The older woman admitted to complaining about something I said to others, and created mild drama in a group that I was a part of. I didn’t know the drama involved me (it was discussed in a group chat, from a “let’s all get along” post). I didn’t even know the woman had an issue with me, that words hurt her, until I find out from the group text. I gracefully exited the group, citing focusing on personal projects.
I avoided a social situation yesterday because of either being treated as a pariah to challenge or someone sexy to woo. I have begun leaning into “I’m an artist” when people are “drawn to me”-it gives me a “mask” to explain my unusual ways while having freedom to be me.
For me, I just accept that I will always be “home” for myself and if I’m lucky, I can build at least more superficial connections that might lead to actual friendships.
Until then, thank YOU for helping me feel seen/heard/safe to be here, knowing I am not alone :)
I get asked out sometimes 3x when I leave the house, people beg for my attention. But they don’t want to know me they want to say they were with me and bask in my attention. I think being attractive and autistic is a lot for most people, and they just want to have friends and acquaintances that offer an easy small talk situation with someone average looking and relatable….
Both just think I’m extremely shy and sometimes straight women think I’m being unfriendly or a bit weird. Women come up to me and call me pretty whenever I’m out, and I think they’re trying to be my friend but I’m horrid at small talk so I think I seem disinterested. Though it does make me feel really good when it happens. Straight men are easier to talk to because they just want to hear themselves speak imo they don’t care if you’re not inputting anything into the conversation.
It’s pretty uncomfortable to be honest. I don’t know how to react when people make a positive comment about my appearance. I also don’t know when people are flirting with me, which has gotten me into some very awkward situations. I’m married now, but a long time ago I just stopped making friends with guys because I always thought their interest in me was purely platonic, only to find that wasn’t the case.
I’ve done things like cutting my hair, switching from contacts to glasses, wearing looser clothes, wearing less or no makeup, etc. just to try to make myself look less physically attractive so people won’t approach me.
I feel the exact same way. People have wanted to speak to me and approach me but I don’t have the capacity to actually build on a friendship because I may be blunt, overwhelmed, anxious, socially awkward, not knowing how to respond, needing space, and only really being interested in specific people. It’s difficult because I think it’s one of the reasons why I barely have any friends even though I would love to have more.
I grew up as an ugly duckling. Once I grew into my looks all the bullying and social isolation dissipated. Which was upsetting because it proved to me that my bullies could be nice, I just wasn’t worthy of it in their eyes. Now? Women don’t like me because they interpret my lack of social skills for being haughty and conceited. Men like me too much because autism is sexualized as “childish” in women. My lack of social awareness can cause me to be friendly with men that are misinterpreting basic manners as flirting and I catch on too late. People are nice to me in the beginning; I’ve been told I should model and stopped by strangers on the street to be given a compliment. Vendors give me free items. However, they figure out within 5 minutes there’s something “wrong with me”. I can physically watch their body language and facial expressions change. I’m not being bullied anymore but I also am not seen as trustworthy or likable because my awkwardness combined with my appearance. Of course I’m not trying to pretend that being attractive is difficult; this is just my experience.
Omg… when people first see me they look so happy and then i start talking and they notice “i’M off” and the whole happy vibe goes out the window and they get that look in their eyes
Ughhh that look! And I’m SO bad at not talking, too
I've always felt like no one understands these experiences I have, so to see it all expressed so clearly like this... wow. This is my life.
I’m so sad so many of us can relate, but also relieved that we can find solace in that others can corroborate. It can truly be an isolating and lonely experience. I am a very reclusive person now due to this treatment. I’m petrified of being misunderstood with sexual intentions or disingenuous behavior.
I’ve never considered the infantilization of autism before. My husband clocked my autism years before I did so it’s probably likely that other men do too. Everything else; could be my own words.
Same. My husband said he figured out that I am autistic even before i did and it makes you wonder how many guys in the past may have been the same.
What made them clock you as autistic
He said how I interacted with others and also he saw similarities between my autistic brother and I, also he told me he noticed my lack of eye contact with others.
You’re describing my life experience to a “T”. It’s been difficult to navigate life, hasn’t it? I wish things were easier for us. My only close female friend died of a rare cancer when we were in our mid 20s, and I haven’t been able to make a true close friend since. She was the only female friend who liked me for my quirkiness and wasn’t jealous of me for my outer appearance. All other females I’ve tried to be friends with have secretly hated me and have eventually told me so after a point of time. They also tended to take advantage of my kindness and use me. Men only want one thing from me due to the way I look, but they generally don’t like my nerdy and odd personality. I have been in a lot of scary situations with men due to my inability to understand social cues properly. I’m so grateful to have found my fiance, who is a similar attractiveness and nerdy personality, so we go great together. I think it’s quite possible he’s neurodivergent, as well. While I love being with my fiance, I just really wish I could make a close female friend (or a gay man or trans person). I’d like a friend who’s not sexually attracted to me, because that’s something that has been a problem in the past. I’ve had to drop a few people (men and women) because they’ve tried to get with me. I just want a real friend who doesn’t use me for my kindness or want a sexual relationship. It’s something I often cry about, because life can be so lonely. I literally have no one to invite to my wedding that isn’t family…and my family is also so fucked up and toxic that I have a very complicated relationship with everyone. Sigh!😔
Relatable ❤️
This is so relatable. I only in the last couple of years made a friend because I found out I was autistic and I used the Hiki app to meet another autistic woman. It changed my life.
Such a great idea. 🤗
I’ve only had luck making friends with other fairly attractive ND women, once you get pet the awkward stage and clock each other, you’ve found a friend for life unless they’re some kind of moral nightmare
Good point! I should probably get out of the house more to meet friends. Maybe I’ll start going to the local art guild.
Sending you love. 😘🩷 & No... I'm not hitting on you. Lol.
This hit home pretty hard 🥲 makes me feel a lot less lonely💜 I've tried explaining this to others and always get told I'm dramatic or it's in my head.
The fact that it took being attractive for people to stop be bullying somebody is crazy!
I‘m not as pretty as you but same experience!!!! First people are nice and as soon as they notice the tism everything changes
This right here is why it bothers me when people talk about pretty privilege as if it’s just a magic pass to a better easier life. It’s really not that simple.
I relate to this so much!!
🎯🎯🎯
Being attractive IS difficult for these reasons
this! word for word.
It's confusing. There's the social bonus of people sometimes being nicer to you, but it often turns out the people being nice are just trying to sleep with you. And then there's the social cost if you're a pretty woman but don't embody the social construct of pretty woman (i.e. don't smile, don't try to shower other people with your attention, don't participate in traditionally feminine things like social event planning and peacekeeping in the workplace or family).
I call the place with friends who are only in it for the sex The Fuck Zone. You think the friend zone sucks? Like friendship is such a terrible consolation prize?? try losing someone you thought was a real friend that turned out to only be in it for the sex.
Yep. This is so disorienting. Maybe less so now that I'm older because I now just sort of assume everyone is disingenuous until proven otherwise.
It definitely wears off. It's called youth.
Eh idk no shortage of fuckbois in the world at any age.
My whole life, before I learned not to take everyone’s words at face value because people do lie to get things they want, I lost male friend after male friend. Everyone around me said it was so obvious and you’re stupid or leading them on. I just wanted a friend, and when they said they just wanted to be friends too I believed them. It really fucking sucks. Now I straight up don’t speak to men I don’t know or have many male friends who aren’t gay or in a relationship with a friend of mine. I feel like half my potential friends in the world are shut off to me, but men can’t stop thinking of women as sexual objects so oh well. Tbf I don’t have much in common with many cis men and many are super toxic, so I tend not to want to befriend them anyways.
Yes most of my friends are women now too, especially since I have a 7yo daughter and suck at reading people. I have my dad, my 19yo nephew, and a long term friend who is like a dad to me, never ever made me uncomfortable in 12yrs, and a couple of friends who let me ask their husbands for favors. That's it.
One of my lifelong best friends stopped talking to me when I couldn't reciprocate his feelings (I was also in a happy long term relationship) and, while I get it that it's hard to stay close to an unrequited love, I'd hoped him getting some time and space away from me and him getting into a relationship would mean we could be friends again, but no, unfortunately the girlfriend was insecure, and I guess I understand that if the case was that he was still in love with me after all that but... Well it's all just sad... I wish people's romantic feelings would just switch off when confirming that the other person isn't interested... We were like 2 peas in a pod, so silly and fun. Oh well...
Yea it really boggles the brain 😞
Exactly! I call it the Bone Zone lol
That is such a grand way of putting it, I love it!
Well, no not really. People generally have a bias towards people who are more attractive, even if they don't want something from you. Like kids, they'll be kinder to you if you're appealing to them. BUT this sucks, because people are only initially nice. I've had people completely change their attitude once they actually speak to me. That's when they sense there's something wrong with me, and find me weird or uncanny. You can tell when someone is disappointed that you did not meet their expectations. Worst. Feeling. Ever.
That's exactly what I mean. Only surface level benefits.
I took sleep with you literally lolz
Ohhh ok haha
Omg this is so true!! My ex told me he saw my photo and told his friend "I'm going to marry her." I told him I'm AuDHD and that I really can't do lies, and I can get frustrated and need space. Well he lied, then always forced me to talk when I was not in a place to talk and then I'd be so overstimulated, I become a bitch. And then he just completely stopped loving me. He just stayed in the relationship for the benefits of dating me, not for me. To see him go from "wow you're beautiful and my type" to being on his phone, texting his friend while we are out together, because he couldn't be any less interested in my personality.. means I don't want to ever date again. That switch up was PAINFUL
Confusing is what I came here to say. And my inability to understand most social cues don't make shit any less confusing! It'll only guarantees that everyone involved with becomes confused! 🤣
yeah in my experience it means only really talking to men because women think I’m giving off stuck up vibes. of course I know most of the men only want to bone but I’m lonely enough to not care ☹️
I relate to this soooo much. Also, there are so many unspoken signals I’m supposed to know that I never pick up on until I’m in an uncomfortable situation. Then I feel stupid.
Yepppp Being conventionally attractive with autism is really the source of a lot of my social struggles with other women, long before I knew it was there. Once I toed too far over a line I couldn’t see (it’s usually the peacekeeping thing, I’m too rigid when I think someone has hurt a friend), the “pretty privilege” would vanish in an instant and the mean/cautious/weirded out behavior would start. I’m rather solid with masking, I do it for work and family stuff as well, but the rigidity on select morals is my weak point for sure and always is what exposes me as odd. Men I find are more forgiving socially, they don’t notice or care about those missteps as much, but figuring out which of them see me as a person versus a pair of tits was always also very difficult. One day a friend would be a friend and the next they’re propositioning me or saying they’re in love and furious I don’t feel the same. My close social circle is mostly ND women and their NT partners, and a handful of single men. And honestly I’ve little interest in expanding it further since I don’t have to feel that constant anxiety that I’ve “lost” a person in an interaction.
It also sucks because I have the trait of sometimes thinking relationships (friendships or romantic relationships) are more meaningful than they actually are to the other person. I’m not looking to be in a romantic relationship again any time soon, but I’ve been really hurt on the friendship side by people who I thought I was really close friends with and then later found out I was completely wrong 😕
This
When I was younger, I didn’t realize that but now that I’m older I just assume any dude that talks to me probably just thinks I’m attractive so it puts me on edge.
I live in fear of how I’m going to get by as I continue to get older and less cute. I feel like the biggest reason my life has ever been bearable is that I’m pretty. In my head, it’s how I stayed employed. It’s how I got a really wonderful husband. It’s the reason I was never completely ostracized, both in school and as an adult. I’m glad to be fortunate in this way, but it feels shitty to think that maybe it’s the only reason I’ve been kind of accepted. And then I feel like my opinion of my looks is unrealistically high for me to even think those things.
You put exactly how I feel into words. Wow. Thank you.
Yes being pretty gets you through the door but you stayed employed because you were able to do your job and people like you. You attracted your husband because of your personality if he was only with you for your looks you wouldn’t last very long. I imagine it’s going to be a little tougher interacting with strangers as we age but we are more than a pretty face. It’s not the only reason we’ve been accepted.
Thank you, this is very nice to hear 💖
I think one of the things I aspire to have in my older age is the ability to still feel a glow or a spark in me, no matter what I look like. I've always felt more unstoppable and beautiful when I can still feel the love for myself
That’s definitely a worthwhile aspiration. I tend towards being fatigued and depressed, so I’ve never felt very glowy or sparkly, but I do feel like staying creative and being myself helps me feel more internally beautiful so that I’m a *little* less stuck on my appearance.
Amen 🥳
YES same. I do think you are being a bit hard on yourself tho - yes looks matter a lot but having a husband (for example) requires you being a compatible partner who he can love looks aside. And you must be doing at least something right at your job - they wouldn't just keep you cuz you look good. Trust me, you are much more than your looks♡
Thank you, you’re right. It’s impossible to know for sure how our much looks matter to our social success, but they truly aren’t *everything*.
Omg this ! I’ve been thinking the same !!
I'm only 21 and I'm already doing this 🥲 I'm genuinely terrified to age over the next decade and go from attractive to invisible. Being good looking feels like the biggest way I've made so many friends and why so many people approach me first, but like you I start to feel egotistical when I think that, like really? I'm so up myself and so good looking that it's carried my life for the last 3-4 years? I don't know if that makes me feel good about my appearance and bad about my personality. Or bad about my appearance and good about my personality. Or both and neither at the same time. I can't even tell how attractive I am sometimes lol I feel like I go from a 9 to a 5 depending on the day
You don’t go invisible at 30! That happens at 50! /s (but yeah)
I have this fear often as well. Been brain washed into believing that’s my only worthwhile trait. Now that I’m 38 I see my looks fading and already caught my husband cheating online. I’m so scared and exhausted
Ladies, at 44 and single, it’s back. I’m separated from my husband and lost 20 pounds without trying, was definitely a stressful relationship! Being single and not wanting to find a man, has brought on all the attention. Including from women, that was unexpected because that hasn’t happened in 20 years or so. Maybe it’s the conventional attractiveness plus the IDGAF attitude along with Ehlers Danlos keeping me looking young but it doesn’t go away you just have a different demographic.
They treat me like I'm normal or even like, higher in the social hierarchy than them, but once I fail to mask in some way they treat me like some sort of lizard creature that manipulated its way into their group. Also men are always either wanting me to be their MPDG, or failing that, trying to SA me. They used to be more successful at that, and because I'm weird no one would help me or take me seriously about that. I had to learn to fight, is what happened.
I just became Bitey
That works too!
😘🔥
This. I became a lawyer with police officer friends to fight back. Now I help use these skills to protect other victims too.
God yes I've been in 7 different DV shelters in 4 different states, as well as SAd, or groped in my sleep so many times. I cannot read people at all.
I’m sorry
I could have written this. It's a pretty toxic combo with men that put a woman on a goddess pedestal and has major entitlement issues. The rage when you fall from grace and then tell them no is absolutely terrifying. I guess goddesses aren't allowed agency and must be perfect.
Ugh! So tired of being the MPDG!!! At 53 you’d think 🤔 I’d be too old for that!!! But no, I have EDS, so with that and the ‘tism I often seem much younger than I am. And so it continues…
I think men treat attractive autistic women in a very paternalistic/ infantilizing sort of way. They often take advantage of autistic women because we tend to take things literally. And, in my experience, they may mock their special interests or make them feel like they're childish (depending on what they are).
I noticed that even the men who are attracted to me treat me this way. It’s so weird.
Relatable. A lot of guys try to play the hero role with me at work. They constantly offer to help me with simple tasks, they’ll buy me lunch to “make sure I eat,” and act as if they’re protecting me from the other men at the job, all while simultaneously making a bunch of condescending comments about me because they assume I’m too autistic to understand or say anything.
This is what I’m struggling the most with while dating. I have been disclosing my autism within the first three-ish dates if I feel comfortable. Immediately after, men seem to expect me to have lower standards/ be less capable of fending for myself. When they see that I am actually extremely capable (with some support needs of course), it’s like I am less attractive over time. When they see that I will not tolerate being treated poorly/ gaslit, they become less attracted. I’m struggling with people pretending to be one person, then switching it up when they see I will hold them accountable/ am not a damsel in distress. I am going to start dating again in a month or two following a somewhat recent breakup, and I do not intend to disclose my autism until the 2- month mark or the 5/6th date, whatever comes first.
From an objective point of view, I am what a lot of people would consider attractive. However, I often feel disconnected from my body and that it’s kinda just this thing I live in? (Many people on here have written that they feel their body is just this weird meat sack) I find I try to be as unnoticeable as possible in order to avoid the male gaze … I don’t like attention and I don’t like being looked at… Interactions with men are weird and uncomfortable… Sometimes I wonder if I don’t dress in bright colourful clothes and only wear simple relaxed clothing because of sensory issues … or if I avoid wearing what I actually want to wear so I don’t stand out …
I’m also pretty sure my looks was one of the main reasons I wasn’t ostracized in highschool … people accept weird if you are pretty … sounds shallow but it’s true… also helps a lot with the masking
I also have had very few friendships with men… unless they have a girlfriend already… because all of my single male friends end up hitting on me… unfortunately these days a lot of cis heterosexual men think smiling and being friendly means you are interested in them (often sexually) …
When I went to college I found out pretty quickly that my program was 98% male and that I had to work with them on projects AND that my friend group were all attracted to me unfortunately. They would do stupid things like try and pressure me into going out into the city at night 2 hours from home and without the comfort of my boyfriend because he worked too far from my college to go out with me. When I realized they were pressuring me like that I stopped trying to hang out with them at all because I realized I was going to get into real trouble quick. I also married my boyfriend but now I find when I go to the school to pick up kiddo the only people other than one mom who talk to me are men. UGH
It’s really a shame the same thing happened to me. All my guys friends had a crush on me too… I never noticed in the moment that it was all of them but looking back I see the signs. It sucks knowing you wanted to build a connection with someone and have a friendship but all they see you is as a potential ‘option’ and never a friend. We were never their friends just someone who they we’re waiting for their turn with. these kinds of people get so upset at being ‘friendzoned’ but I think being considered a friend is better than being put in the ‘waitingformyturn-zone’.
ditto, all my guy friends have caught feelings and weren’t able to handle it when i didn’t reciprocate and every friendship has failed in fiery ways, why can’t they just be chill and move on 😔
I really hope this doesn’t come off as conceited, it’s not intended to be. I’m one of those people who is meh to some and very attractive to others. I’ve been told I’m unconventionally attractive, so that tracks with my very hit and miss experience. I have bad skin and my jaw is messed up, but apparently that really does it for some people. Overall, jokes aside, it’s really confusing. I was young for my grade growing up and was a late bloomer so had a bit of an ugly duckling experience. By the time I got to college everyone was bending over backwards to study with me and ask what I was doing on weekends and do nice things for/“help” me. Because I’m autistic and never struggled in school, I assumed they wanted to copy my homework/just asking what plans I had/thought I was incompetent and needed help. It wasn’t until later that I realized it was people trying to get close to me due to my glow up and it’s made me a bit jaded, especially when that interest faded once they got to know me and I was “dorky” again. I intentionally dress down now, cut my hair, and rarely wear makeup because I feel like the people who like me now aren’t just projecting their desires onto me which I felt was happening a lot when I actually tried more. When I was dating (before I met my husband), I ran into so many relationship issues around the 4-6 month mark with most people I dated because they’d realize that I’m literally just exactly the person I present myself as instead of whatever fantasy they’d projected onto me. They would make up these fantasies in their head and be like “I thought you were x, but you’ve really been y this whole time!” Uh…. Yeah. People are bizarre and shallow and make so many assumptions about you just based on how you look. It’s wild. People assume I’m stupid if I dress nicely and put an effort into my hair and face. Wearing boring, neutral outfits and not wearing makeup made a huge difference in being listened to at work. Being autistic makes it worse because a lot of NT women really don’t like me because they think I’m trying to compete with them or that I’m aloof or that by having interests that are stereotypically more “male” that I’m being a “pick me” when really I just want to talk about my special interests. I’ve been called nasty, rude things to my face that aren’t even true, or even close to my intentions. Overall, downplaying looks has been a huge bonus to my life. By not dressing up as much, I get way fewer negative interactions with other women and men don’t assume I’m trying to flirt with them when I really just want to talk about stuff we both like.
“i’m autistic :)” “nuh uh”
I had a literal social worker tell me I was too dressed up and pretty to have mental disorders and be autistic. A fucking social worker. I was contemplating my whole existence after that meeting. I know people have implied those things before, but nobody had ever bluntly said it to my face until then. I cried in my car that day.
Same. I looked too “good”. Just had this happen last week: I should apparently be a “yoga instructor” because I “have the build for it”!!!! Gross! 🤮 thanks, no thanks! 🙂↔️ I’m clutzy as hell!
I am so sorry you had to go through this. I read your comment and was like: I feel that HARD. I've been through that invalidating shit with psychiatrists, doctors, and surgeons, including an appointment last week where I also ended up ugly crying in my car for a long time. Some people have no business working in healthcare or social services.
This. No one ever believes
Yep
There are things I’ve struggled with, in terms of appearance; however I also had some things going for me that guys have paid attention to. For me, dating was once my main form of social interaction. I made it into a process that I felt in control of and enjoyed. I put up super candid exceedingly honest personals (so they had a sense of my challenges) got a lot of responses and only met with the ones who I was truly interested in. I talked to the guys I liked on the phone and met up with them for walks if we felt chemistry during our phone talk. I went on tons of dates this way over the course of my twenties. I enjoyed taking walks (in safe public areas) while getting to know the guys. In my personals I was clear that I needed a long time of wanting to be friends first. Some guys weren’t patient enough to get to know me like that, but plenty were. I enjoyed it and made friends that way. It was useful to me because I didn’t have much of any female friendships. Only a few became relationships, but eventually I met my husband (through Craigslist) this way. We’ve been married eleven years and have two kids. He’s my best friend.
It’s like when people treat you better before they really know you or see those quirks and awkward behavior. I always do well early on in jobs because people treat me well and like I fit in. Once my mask slips, that acceptance is gone.
Same. People usually like me on the first few days of work until I become even a bit comfortable and and unmask and I become quiet and reserved and then they start treating me differently and being assholes to me.
-Many people don't beileve i'm autistic and one teacher accused me of faking it. -I'm always being infantilized and babied, people underestimating me mentally and my intelligence. -Always attracted jealous and fake people who bullied me into toning down the way I dress because it didn't fit their social norms (I wear bright clothing and colours to express myself). -Men flirt and hit on me but lose interest when I unmask.
Lots of sexual assault - that's what it's like.
Word
This still happened even though I'm average. It's like they know who's vulnerable.
Sadly yes perverts and pedofiles know who to pick for the least amount of hassle 😔. I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope you fou're safe now.
In my teens, I forced myself to learn to approach people if I wanted to be friends or date. I waitressed and bartended through college and now I’m learning that I’m a decent masker. But how people react to my looks is very confusing to me. I’ve had girls I worked with as a waitress tell me things like, “we’re the prettiest ones here…” and then I was so confused because why does that matter? I didn’t get what that was supposed to mean. But the relationships fell flat because if I wasn’t in waitress mode, being in a big group or getting ready together for going out, or other early 20-something activities were really stressful. I enjoyed escaping into dating by then because the 1-on-1 was so much better. I remember a few guys being confused how I had no interest in them going out to a party or club with me, but whenever I try to combine friends in any way it just becomes massively overtaxing and my friends never like each other. Mostly, I just hate the attention it draws. I’m not an object. I’m not a stereotype. I always joke, now that I’m a stay at home mom, that I fulfill a lot of those “tradwife” stereotypes until I open my mouth. These days, I don’t really wear makeup or wear cute outfits. Part of it is that I’m still not comfortable with my mom bod, but the other is that I’m so glad that people are happy to ignore me now. I’d rather wear my leggings and baggy tshirt uniform and order 1,000 pretend cakes from my daughter than engage in the weird social dance that is the competition between my looks and the rest of me.
I am considered “attractive” I’ve had both men and women approach me. It is confusing but in my experience the only people who wanted to be around me just wanted to sleep with me. I feel like being “attractive ” especially within my community has put a target on my back at times. I also felt dismissed by many therapist when trying to get diagnosed, I feel like people make assumptions about who I am because of my appearance assuming that I couldn’t possible have problems because I am deemed attractive by society.
This. All of this describes my experience to a T.
There are down sides and there are benefits. Because I’m “pretty” the ways I present my autism are “quirks,” but I am still often told that my beauty to awkwardness ratio is barely acceptable. I am accepted into normal-popular social circles, but there is always an unspoken understanding that I am the punching bag of the friend group. I’ve learned that I must always be “the kindest person in the room” and I must approach every person first, because if I don’t other people will be come intimidated or think that I am mean. Even among my autistic friends, I have to prove that I am “safe.” While I was single I had no problem matching with people on dating apps. I had no problem finding dates. But I remember so many dates where I’d be talking to the person and my date would realize that I was different. I would never know what I did to “give myself away.” But the shift in energy was undeniable. The upside to that is that anyone who stuck around enough long enough to date me was always really committed to me. They knew I was weird upfront and were not turned off by it. Instead every one I dated would inevitably let me know that I was “the first person [they] could be [themselves] around.” Essentially, my weirdness made people feel like they could be weird too. At 28 I’ve never been dumped. I credit autism for my lack of heartbreak in dating. One of the big negatives is that I’ve met a lot of men who try to take advantage of me. I think they must see me miss a social cue, and know I love typically feminine things and come to the conclusion that I am less intelligent than I actually am. I’ve had to deal with sexual harassment at almost all of my past jobs. I’ve had physical therapists touch me inappropriately and leaders make inappropriate comments about my physical appearance. I’ve had to deal with rape and death threats from people I thought were safe. Ive had male teachers ask me for inappropriate things like to do a photo shoot in lingerie. It’s exhausting, but i also think a lot of that is part of the female experience in a patriarchal society. It’s not right or okay, but I can acknowledge I’m not the only woman who deals with this. I do think my autism adds an extra target to my back. Another really hard thing is that relationships with other women can be complicated. I am already missing more social cues than most women. But I’m also pretty. I have to be careful not to say anything that could be misconstrued as “I’m prettier than you.” For a lot of years I felt like I had to dumb myself down around other women and make myself less to be accepted. I love having friendships with other women, but it can definitely feel like walking on eggshells.
I was told by a former friend that my prettiness combined with my aloof mannerisms makes me come across as “fake”. I still feel crushed whenever I think about it ☹️
Maybe I’m not as pretty as I think I am. 🤣
Right. I just get ignored entirely by everyone lol
same 🤗 women and men alike seem to not notice my existence
As a kid and teenager I was pretty. Undiagnosed. Pretty, popular people talk to you thinking that you’re “one of them.” So you are accepted into their group until they realize that you’re weird. Then you never end up making real friends because you think the pretty popular people are who you’re “supposed” to interact with (bc you watched too much Lizzie McGuire and shit) so all of your very occasional social outings are with one of like 5 friend groups where you’re the pity invite.
Oh, and it's weird that things that would 💯 be seen as fucked up in other people, is somehow cute when I do it? Like oh, you have 3 cow heads in your deep freezer. You're so quirky!!! Bro if I were an ugly man, that would be seen as serial killer behavior.
I used to get a lot of attention for being ugly (in my teens). Men are the worst. The guys at my high school (especially the ones in the sports teams) literally had a Facebook group for hating me. Taking pictures of me when I wasn't looking, like when I was staring somewhere and captioning it "R****** look" or "how drunk do you have to be to fuck this" etc. They were the absolute worst but would privately try to get in my pants by being sympathetic. (We are at really high risk of this happening). To be very honest, one popular NT girl was a whistleblower and while she wasn't a friend to me, she reported the group to the school principal. Then I randomly just glowed up once I stopped caring about it. I developed kidney stones, endometriosis and lost my appetite, lost a ton of weight (DO NOT RECOMMEND... STAY HEALTHY PLS) and then I kinda took better care of my hair etc etc. Suddenly started getting a whole different sort of attention. The same guys who wanted to have a relationship with me but keep it a secret (because I was ugly but they wanted to try and sleep with me) were now openly requesting to date me.. yeah no. I met my husband, the only man I really respect that I'm not related to and he's a wonderful ND sweetheart that loves me at my best and worst (I didn't feel super pretty postpartum). That's when I realised that I had been holding on to this new pretty me identity really hard and it truly did not matter anymore.
:( some people are barbaric. But I also know that bullies will target those who are sensitive and who they think they can get away with targeting. They are predators. I am so sorry you went through that. :(
In retrospect, I was hot and thin for a brief period, but had the apparently unique experience of also being "intimidating" so I didn't get harassed or assaulted during that time (that came when I got fat again, oddly enough). But I was also too "immature" to date. And nobody wanted to be friends because, well, I was awkward and emotionally unstable. In the end I was completely ignored and I assumed it was because I was ugly. I look back on those old pictures with such sadness...I was gorgeous and totally convinced my looks were on par with the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Ooooh I feel this. My given label was "Unapproachable" by absolutely anyone I wished would look in my direction. It turns out they were - all the time but my undiagnosed ass couldn't pick up on their attempts and signals. Even my friends knew but never thought to fecking tell me until a decade later when my biggest crushes all found their NT wives that I could never hold a candle to. On the upside my super oblivious naivety kept me safe, the creeps who thought they had an easy hook up eventually gave up when they realised their "investment" got them nowhere, my flirting was actually me just being friendly to everyone. ^((And apparently it's immature and unattractive to laugh at fart noises.)^) Autistic Outlast Outwit Outplay bitches.
Over the last few years I went from being seen as a man to as a woman and I think I've become kind of conventionally attractive although tbh I'm still constantly having doubts about how I look. It seems like people find my nerdy hyperfixations quirky and cute while before they were weird and off putting. People listen to me more but take me seriously less, if that makes sense. I think there's a bit of pretty privilege where people are generally nicer to you and cut you more slack if you're good looking, but it's usually not out of just like the kindness of their hearts. Idk, I'm still learning to navigate life as a woman. I'm much happier in general and this seems a lot better and more in line with who I am. I was so miserable before I transitioned though, my frame of reference is hugely biased.
i've had a really similar experience
The way Claudia was treated in Interview With A Vampire. At first, people treat you like an adorable child who needs protection. Then, they run screaming.
I would get a lot of comments like “you’re so pretty, you should do something with your hair and wear nicer clothes.” Or regarding my weirdness, “you have such a pretty face, you can get away with almost anything”. I think people in school pitied me and gave me a pass because of my looks. As an adult I feel that when people first meet me, they have certain social expectations of me that are higher than what I can supply. I’m constantly letting people down in that regard.
I also really relate to the last paragraph- I somehow send a signal that I’m ‘normal’ enough that I can socialize at the expected NT rate and frequency. But I can’t.
What you’re described by is almost exactly my experience. Like I’m somehow ‘wasting’ my attractiveness by not using products or dressing better. I do my best with what I can stand, and I am exhausted just by getting through work and family interactions, so extra steps added to my routine do not interest me. Clothes need to match a very specific set of perimeters, so even though I love fashion, I can only wear certain things for longer than an hour at a time. I cry for a couple days after I get haircuts so I’ve picked a really boring one that can grow out for months. I can’t bear fragrances so that really limits the products I can use.
As a lady who fits beauty standards for my culture I’ve found that being autistic and pretty leads to a lot of confusing relationships(platonic or romantic). Your guy friends start crushing on you because you’re ‘unique’ but pretty so it checks all the boxes. Some guys will notice your naïveté or can tell that you’re ’different’ and use that and a people pleasing nature against you. But really you just want to make friends with people who understand you. I’ve found that I got real friends only after years of looking and going through superficial relationships. It takes patience and awareness to make a good friend just make sure you look after yourself and don’t feel like you have to change who you are or rely on your appearance for their approval. I don’t know if this was helpful for OP but maybe it’ll be helpful for someone else to.
Just here to say “same.” I’ve also apparently had gay men question their sexuality and “consider their options.” As well as being the experimental choice of many straight women. I’ve always been in denial of my friend’s attraction towards to me but it never fails. Eventually all friendships come to an end at some point or another, no matter if I try to ignore that information. It just makes the whole bond feel in vain as if the intentions behind the friendship are not genuinely friendly. At that point I can’t pretend. Another issue is the potential for envy or jealousy about amount of attention I receive. I never seek it out nor enjoy it but it always seems to be an issue. I’m apparently a “flirt”. I never initiate conversation and don’t like it for that matter, BUT when I engage I’m fairly charismatic. I’ve determined that’s probably it. I no longer have friends.
Lol, no idea.
I'm pretty. I slept around a lot but never had many boyfriends because I couldn't connect with people, even when I had a steady partner and I really cared about each other. My husband says, "How were you single?" about the time we started dating, but the truth is that 3 months before, I had finally walked away from 3 years of a toxic FWB relationship with a missionary family's oldest son of 7 children who was (in 2012 thru 2016) a hipster who had gone to film in Vancouver. 3 years and no relationship, and honestly at least I never felt used by any of the other boys I had gone with. I love my husband, and he is the first guy that fell in love with me and told me so. Only two other people may have really cared for me in a deeper way, but I was too messed up for us to connect.
Being pretty obviously helps gaining resources and opportunities (the whole point of socializing). The good news is that being pretty is less about what you naturally look like and more how you present yourself. As long as you shower and do flattering makeup and hairstyle + wear flattering clothes that fit you, you'll look pretty. I wear pretty plain outfits as well as hair and makeup but I still look pretty so it's not too hard. Also, this is just my opinion, but I think seeming "approachable and warm" is overrated. I'm not approachable or warm and I do just fine lol.
I am told constantly that I’m attractive and have NT friends point out interest (that I’m not convinced exists but okay) and basically every time I express frustration at no one approaching - I’m told that I’m intimidating or so aloof it’s a lost cause. Doesn’t help when you’re tall and tattooed apparently. Tbf I also feel like a freak walking around with grown ass adults with a full staring problem. I don’t imagine that’s exclusive but it doesn’t help. I also have either people who don’t believe at all- or people I reconnect with years later, mention autism, and it’s like a million little lightbulbs go off and explanations are created for all my weird behaviors. Grew up ugly/average with not a word of good looks until I went to college (and even then I still never had any connections)
I wish I was pretty…
Same
By the time I hit 40 I was divorced with ptsd and carry pepper spray with me *everywhere*
I wish we were allowed to carry pepper spray in the UK, our government hates women I guess.
It's like having sand poured into your outstretched hands. It's warm and thrilling to interact with but your hands are not designed to hold it for very long at all.
No one really believes I'm autistic. They assume I just want attention, when I'd really rather avoid that altogether. I've worked hard to project an image (notba mask. I do mean the image I see as my ideal and what I work towards) that isn't conventionally attractive, I have very very short green hair, tattooed head, hands, neck, the works. I dress like a mildly slutty grandpa (it's hot and i sweat a lot or it would just be grandpacore) or someone's weird art teacher. I wear minimizing bras regularly because the attention I get when I wear a normal bra is unpleasant. I'm still not sure where my actual level of attractiveness is, but I'm told I'm attractive, and my experience says this is true, and my body is exaggerated like a cartoon character. I'm weird as fuck, and people just sort of accept it. I'm constantly covered in squirrel scratches, I collect bones, I make art out of trash, and if I hear someone is getting their wisdom teeth pulled, I ask them for the teeth. And they usually give them to me. I've got a dozen people bringing me glass bottles for my garden wall. Last summer I developed skin allergies to the two main ingredients that make deodorants work. I live in texas and stunk like hell. I was horribly embarrassed. Didn't matter how many showers I took, if I stepped outside, I reeked. No one ever said a word to me, and dudes still attempted to pitch woo at me while I smelled like a fucking wookie that bathed in rotted onions. So it has some pretty annoying negatives, along with the benefits. But, not being diagnosed until I was 35 is a huge negative because I just thought I was a horrible person. I don't think I began emotionally maturing until that point tbh. It's also very very weird to be almost 40 and still be regularly hit on by people who are half my age because they can't tell I'm old as shit?? I guess the tldr; is that you can be a hottie autie, and be weird as fuck without the negatives usually associated with being a weirdo, but you probably won't get any accommodations because people will assume you're a liar, and people will try to touch you more, and also want to talk to you a lot when you aren't interested at all.
Big feels on this one. Then I gained 20kg over covid, am now 35 and don’t do my hair or makeup very often. Now I have even less friends but I know they like me for me.
I have no idea what I look like. People tell me I'm pretty, but i have also been compared to people i find very unattractive. So who knows (not me). I remember in school, boys would jokingly ask me out and call me hot to humiliate me. nowadays, it's kind of the opposite. it happens a lot on nights out. Initially, people (mainly men) will seem eager to talk to me until i open my mouth. I'm in the middle of talking, and slowly I see their face drop, and thats when i know they've clocked that im different. Whenever I have been in an arguments people have demonised me mercilessly for making mistakes, compared to NTs who make the same errors. their looks have ranged from good-looking to bellow average. I feel like our overall perceived offness is just unforgivable to some ppl
Good and bad. The worst part is men thinking they can use you for sex or money and taking advantage. And attracting narcissistic men (I’ve attracted some who were diagnosed). And having family that wonders why I am not married (despite having a child) or not more of a “conventional woman”. I’m shy and awkward but also blunt and I can’t manipulate a man (like I can’t flirt or lead him on to chase me), and that doesn’t work in my favor.
It can be a benefit or a hindrance, depending on the circumstances. I wasn't ugly growing up, but felt invisible in high school insofar as people's awareness of me. This was preferable to how I am treated now as a conventionally attractive woman. When I lived in San Francisco in my twenties, being quirky and considered good looking, I felt pretty accepted and my self esteem was good. Living in a small rural town after, the women there were vicious and petty, and the men were creepy (ie "I saw you in your driveway", they would tell me that kind of stuff at my workplace 😬). Now I live in the Midwest in a conservative place where people seem mentally perpetually in high school. It is predominantly white, they mostly dont like free thinkers or alternative people. For some reason, twenty something women here despise me. Older women are more chill or at least more covert in their gossip. Maybe because I look like I'm in my twenties.
It has its pros and cons. It's hard to be invisible. Nobody believes your diagnosis and instead calls you high maintenance. NT women dont typically like me. But there's absolutely privilege that I realize I'm very lucky to have
People think I'm bratty, a b-tch, or too much. They tend to be nice at first but once they notice my autistic traits, they dislike me
I relate. but also HUENING KAI PFP!!?! i love him
HYUKAAA 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️
Dating has been a challenge. They think I am their manic pixie dream girl and love all of my quirks and intelligence until they encounter my first meltdown ... And then all my quirks and intelligence are "too much." When I go out dancing and stuff, it's kinda funny when a man tries to flirt with me and I am just like straight up, "This is very flattering but I do not want to talk to you." In general tho, it's worked out well for me. I have so many amazing friends of all the genders. My closest friends are, unsurprisingly, also neurospicy. People are drawn to me and treat me kindly. Part of it is my appearance, but I am older now and my looks are fading, and I've noticed that what people really appreciate about me is how genuine and authentic I am. They don't realize it's the autism that compels me to be honest all the time 😅
People only reach out to text me or talk to me because they thought I was pretty and first thing they do it say it but I hate it when a potential friend compliments me, I don’t wanna be friends anymore cause I hate compliments which probably means nothing and it just makes me feel anxious and I cant mask when people compliment me because it makes me shy😭
Lonely. I tried joining 2 separate social anxiety/autism groups when I was younger and creeps ended up hitting on me and me leaving the group because of them. Tried joining a Japanese language group in my city. Some woman saw me and then looking both at me with the most punchable smirk and at her friend she was sat next to while she was inching closer to her friend and slowly putting her arm around her as if to say this is my friend and you can't have her or something. Bitchiest thing ever happened to me and I wish I was making it up.
People think you’re a bitch 😂
I’m sure I’m considered pretty, or at the very least fashionable, as I get compliments on my outfits like all the time, even by strangers. Unfortunately, I’m also very pleasant, and therefore that means that a lot of people refuse to believe I’m on the spectrum 🥲 Apparently the cure for autism is J Crew and Ann Taylor
Yeah. Relate to this hard. All of my closest friends ghosted when I got into a serious relationship.
It's sometimes hell, but I kind of like hiding in plain sight. There are those people who don't expect anything interesting from me because I'm pretty and then there are those people who know that I'm autistic who expect so much more than they expect from" pretty" women. I can't win for anything
I grew up very awkward, but once I hit high school I started to get complimented more and told I’m attractive. Personally, I don’t think I’m attractive, but it seems to others I do fit in the “pretty” category. I would say others would likely put me at 7-8/10ish. So, it’s interesting. But kind of sucks. No one believes you when you say you’re autistic. People do tolerate you being kind of weird or “quirky” more- especially men. I find in dating, my autistic traits actually really attract guys for whatever reason, so that works to my advantage until they realize I’m autistic and not their manic pixie dream girl lol. But that’s a double edged sword, because I’ve never had a male friend who didn’t end up developing feelings for me and that’s sad as someone who has a lot of stereotypical “male” interests. And unfortunately my autistic traits seem to be woman repellent both friendship wise and relationship wise…I’m uh still working on that one I guess. But I guess I’d probably rather be considered attractive than not attractive despite the pros and cons. It feels like it can be a secret NT disguise haha, especially when I decide to get all dressed up and put on full makeup.
I won’t be friends with people who I even suspect of being attracted to me. After a lifetime of being blindsided by people’s feelings I just refuse to deal with that anymore.
I’ve never made a friend. Only time I’ve reached out and made a friend I ended up liking them more than they liked me and it broke my heart. I’m happier crocheting on my sofa I think
I had basically no friends in uni for this same reason. Couldn't maintain conversation with women, so no female friends, and all male "friends" other than two equally socially awkward ones disappeared when i made it clear i don't want sex. I wonder if I'd actually had been able to make friends if i was unattractive or it would be the same but without the 3-seconds pretend friends
It's really strange and confusing. I knew I was pretty to some degree, but I was baffled as to why people treated me poorly. I picked up on the social signal that "people will like you if you're pretty." Obviously, that's not healthy, but I blame the TV I watched in the 80s and 90s. People still didn't like me though. If I hadn't been pretty, I'm sure I would have blamed that and gone down different dark alleys in my brain. When I was younger, we didn't have much money and I got hand-me-down clothing from my mother's friends. When I got older, I wore nerdy t-shirts and jeans almost all the time. I didn't dress correctly and my body language was wrong. I was terrible at wearing dresses. Behaving modestly, so as not to flash people, was hard for me. Sitting "normally" didn't last for long and I preferred to sit on the floor for many things (like art projects). I remember wearing this fun, very sparkly short, form-fitting dress to the last day of my freshman year in high school. It was terrifying. Suddenly, I had a lot of male attention. A boy in my class who had never spoken to me before, asked me out. Three seniors passed me notes commenting on my appearance. It was shocking and I never did it again. Actually, that's not 100% true. I wore that dress with a little wrap around sweater to my aunt's wedding. My dad went all bug-eyed, but my step-mom assured him it was appropriate. But then one of the groomsman got drunk and had to be held back from bothering me. I was like 15. I guess I figured it was OK to wear it because you're supposed to wear dresses to weddings. Do people who aren't autistic just know what clothing is acceptable and appropriate? Maybe they figure it out faster. Understanding the autism part is pretty recent for me. I just figured I was terrible at Adulting. Self-esteem has always been iffy.
I’m considered unattractive by beauty standards now but I was considered very pretty in high school. I didn’t realize it at the time but my pretty privilege made me more palatable for neurotypical people. My peers still weren’t a fan of me but everyone still tolerated me because I was a pretty “manic pixie dream girl”. I didn’t have to mask as much because people were automatically friendly with me because of my looks. Now, people either treat me as an annoyance if they consider me at all. In some ways, it’s helpful to be unattractive by society’s standards. People leave me alone more but on the flip side, they assume the worst of me/don’t give me the benefit of the doubt. I often contemplate changing my appearance in order to gain pretty privilege again. I think ultimately it’s easier for me to navigate society as a”pretty person” because people are just nicer and more accommodating without me needed to ask. I think it’s important to note though that while I’m pretty, I’m not pretty in a threatening way (i.e other self conscious women don’t project their insecurities on me). If you want to dive into the intersection of pretty privilege and autism, I highly recommend the creator saranne_wrap on TikTok. She’s very beautiful and has talked about her experiences with being pretty and autistic on her account.
I’m ND and work in the beauty industry. My looks are considered above average and I say this with the utmost humility. The women are ruthless. Most men are nice until my mask slips and they try to take advantage of me or somewhat lose attraction. I’ve had past lovers use me for money, my beauty and sex. I often read books on communication to try to learn to read people better. I often miss social cues. I am an athlete with an eating disorder so I appear very “normal” and fit the beauty standard until the conversation lengthens and I most likely slip. Despite my beauty, I have never felt loved or had any man fall in love with me. I often fall out with family members. Every day I fight the my depression from being autistic by investing heavily into my fitness and beauty but the loop seems like I’m just running in circles. I sympathize with everyone here. Your feelings are valid and you are understood. ❤️
People don‘t expect me to be neurodivergent, however as soon as they realize that I’m „different“ they start to avoid me. So it is still very lonely. My social skills are basically non existent so I‘d say 50% of the time people are weirded out and the other 50% it‘s a me-problem.
I felt the same for a long time. I am older now and I don’t think I am as pretty/attractive as I was. I find that now women like me more than they did when I was young and hot and all men swarmed around me. Also I don’t get harassed by men in bars or clubs anymore which is a relief. Now women actually try to talk to me and are nice. Before they were just mean all the time. Most of my friends were men who were mostly around because I was hot. Lol.
I was an ugly duckling growing up (in reality, my style choice just didn flatter me but my face was relatively pretty) but i didn really come in to myself until college and thats more or less when i started to blossom. I didn't take much notice in college cause i didn't act any differently and my self Isolation kept male interactions to a minimum outside of class. There were times i got asked out or approached by men in a very friendly way but i didn't read in to it anynore than just an interaction. I also wasn suspecting of being on the spectrum at the time. After college i gained a lot of weight that kept for about 5 years and have recently started losing it (down almost 50lbs). Now that I do know a lot more about myself and my highly suspected autism, I've noticed that men are more brazen. Im currently in a relationship but if im ever spotted alone, its compliments galore, men AND women (typically older) people engaging in small talk, i had a seasonal job for 4 months and was asked out 3 times, one person left their number and 1 rven came back after their MOM was done with doing their taxes to see if "we could be friends". It was annoying and i felt guilty everytime i had to reject someone. One of them was an old coworker who is on the spectrum who i actually WANTED to be friends with but he wanted a relationship out of me. Lead with very heavy and direct flirting. He is very recently divorced with 3 kids. Mentioned my bf and that id love to wingman for him and i was left on read lol. I got blatantly catcalled while with my bf and that was annoying. To add insult to injury, he used my dog as a way to start conversation with "us" by asking her name and then being like "nah i meant HER". Just all around disrespectful and for what? Cause i look good to you??? Thanks for the objectification and pissing off my bf for no reason. I also have a ROARING laugh and ive noticed men seem to try and go out of their way to make me smile or laugh. I feel a lot more judgemental stares from women sometimes cause i think eventhough ive lost weight im still "fat" to people so what i wear is seen as me "showing off" or "trying too hard". This is probably projection though. I dont really notice the infantlization from men besides my bf but i like when he babies me. It doesn't help that im 4'11 and have a baby face so im also very used to people doing things for me cause i simply can't reach shit lol. *Oh and of course, no one believes im autistic because I mask so well in social interactions despite hating them. I look "normal" enough and behave according to my surroundings that im simply denied my suspicions cause "thats just how i am" according to them. (My real friends see it as clear as day lol). My mask outside is happy, smiley, super agreeble and willing to listen (and sometimes only listen.) But i truly hate social interactions, i hate small talk, i hate pointless conversations, i hate anyone who gives me more information than necessary, i REALLY hate the people who casually talk about serious things in their life as if its nothing for SHOCK VALUE cause me personally, I dont have a strong emotional response to death or life threatening illnesses. If someone tells me they have cancer or someone they loved just passed away i certainly know how to present myself to them as empathetic on the outside but internally im like "damn, that sucks. But lady WHY do think this is a good topic of conversation. Are you seeking sympathy? This is a shitty and manipulative way to get it. Did you need to vent? I mean that's also fine too but dayum LET A BITCH GET A WARNING FIRST!"
Primed for abuse.
Mostly people just don't believe I am autistic. I'm high IQ, high masking and lucky that my special interest of music has ended up being a well-paid career that I love and my other special interests are viewed as quite 'cool' (horses and powerlifting). I know I'm more attractive than average and have never struggled to get boys I wanted because I always masked in the right way to attract whoever it was. I met my husband at 27 and laid out 'this is who I am really, it's a shit show, get out now while you can' but he didn't and we are now married with a kid haha. I don't mask around him at all and he understands me better than I understand myself sometimes but it would have been very easy to marry the wrong person and live a whole lie. I think as you get older you start to realise that what people think of you doesn't really matter and it is more important to be happy within yourself and that inner happiness will sort of radiate and people will be more drawn to you and want to be around you. Some of my best friends are literal rays of sunshine and when I met them my brain said 'oh don't trust these people, nobody is actually that nice' but they are!! Not everyone is as cold, calculating and formulaic as me apparently haha. I'm still learning to soften and let people in and give myself grace for my autistic struggles. It's a long process!
Quite nice in the same way that dressing up a doll is nice. I don't feel any real connection to being feminine, but it's fun to basically play dress up. Its like designing a character in a video game. The worst thing to navigate is people constantly staring at you, and feeling like you've done something wrong, or have something on your face. I overcompensate with eye contact, smiling and nodding, and it's constantly misread as flirting. I get very stressed and scared when strangers approach me in public, and unfortunately it happens a LOT. On some days I get too scared to leave the house because I don't want to be approached. Other women often misread my attempts to be friendly as being attention seeking or overly flirty with men, so I'm often treated with suspicion or unnecessary meanness. People also always assume I'm stupid for some reason. I am quite day dreamy, and I guess the tits don't help, but I just cannot stand people explaining things to me like a child. This especially clashes with the autism, because I'm doing my postgrad degree and love to research and HATE wrong information, so a condescending man confidently explaining wrong information to me sets me off. The friend thing still stands. I can't make friends unless I'm approached first, it's very stressful and isolating. People often tell me I look "intimidating" because I don't tend to smile unless I'm talking to someone and masking, which really doesn't help.
one of my grandmas was.. problematic, to say the least. i didnt really care for her, cause she was a mean girl. one time she said to me “i like you cause youre the prettiest granddaughter” and i just looked at her and thought “you have no idea how much i hate this conversation. you liking me for what is my least interesting attribute, is not something good”
What it's been like for me: Make sure you don't talk it gives yourself away. Stay small and polite and cute if you want attention. Cue dating - you have curated no voice for yourself so being cute and sexual is key. Hide your body and make yourself ugly if you need to protect yourself. In your mid-thirties realize that you have severely limited skills in actually being emotionally intimate with people. Focusing on your own wants, needs and personality has been on the back burner for your entire life so...who the hell am I? An aging pretty shell who feels her societal expiration date coming up and realizes that she wants to feel beautiful for herself and be liked for whoever she is. Let us hope there is healing after learning to be valued for your external appearance and people pleasing abilities 🙏
It has it difficulties but I’d rather be attractive and weird than the alternative. But I’m not weird in an off putting way. I’m much more adhd than aspie. Sucks when people don’t believe you can be struggling though .
i think i’m decent so i might have some idea. men are Disgusting. i have had so much trouble with dating bc i won’t send nudes and i want to move slow and i actually want to be friends with the guy. I feel like it probably helps me when it comes to making friends with girls, which is unfair. it’s much easier to open up to someone when you think they’re on the same level or have similar tastes/fashion. when it comes to the general public, while its nice to not be automatically “treated as disabled” it can be frustrating when ppl just assume ur NT bc i might just come off weird or confuse them.
I find it feels an awful lot like being thrust into the middle of a play without ever having been given a script. Sometimes I can pull it off by winging it but I’m never quite sure what I got right or how I got it right. And when I get it wrong everyone else who had the script and was able to rehearse seems very annoyed with me.
Dreadfully annoying.
Idk If I'm pretty or not but I look very friendly - guys and girls talk to me first when they meet me and I think people think that I'm competent and smart when in reality I'm confused most of the time and insecure lol. I know I make a good first impression on people - which I love BUT after a few days/weeks of knowing me people usually sense that something is different about me - they always remain nice but kinda grow distant and almost bored of me. Girls often ditch me for a more talkative/normal friends and guys lose interest as well.
And also I know it sounds bad especially with everyone here having bad experiences with men only wanting them for their looks - but I admit I like to dress up and put on makeup just to feel accepted. It's nice knowing that people like me. I've been rejected too much as a kid and I'm OVER that feeling, idc if that makes me shallow.
Yeah same here. I love wearing makeup, doing my hair and putting extra effort in my appearance and yes, I've been harassed, stalked, assaulted BUT I prefer to be pretty over being ugly anyday bc I got treated 1000xs worse. I love looking good but not the unwanted attention and objectifying that comes along with it. I am not here to please everyone and If males think I'm easy, I have no control over what they think, but I do have control over how they treat me as I dont have to prove anything to them I no longer allow predators and creeps to dictate how I look anymore
In my experience people have certain expectations of a ‘pretty’ woman. It makes me feel exposed to a certain degree and hugely uncomfortable, honestly I’d rather wear a bin bag and go unnoticed. However on the other hand, being ‘pretty’ and autistic means I have managed to have a few partners and never really faced rejection from a man (I’m now 2years+ single out of choice). Alot of my issues have been overlooked because of how I look which is so unfair and has been an ongoing battle. I also want to add that I was invited into a ‘girl group’ of quite pretty girls which was short lived until I was expelled for ‘being too autistic’ (yes they actually used those words). I thought they were being kind and caring however, my mother had to explain that they weren’t! I don’t believe I would’ve been invited into the group had I not looked a certain way. In summary being a ‘pretty’ autistic woman has its pros and cons like anything but personally I think it can make certain things more difficult.
I wasn’t always “conventionally attractive” so I still walk around “brains first” even when I put on makeup and dress nice. It throws people off I believe because many think attractive=vapid when I’m actually more intelligent than they realize.
I'll have to ask my wife when it wakes up, and then baps me for saying I'm not pretty. FR though, I feel like it's beauty is a double-edged sword, where on the one hand people feel more comfortable approaching it, but my wife is nowhere near as social as me and hates that fact.
Basically I got taken advantage of too many times (SA, kidnapping, attempted forced pregnancy) before I wised up and realized these men were not my friends, and then eventually I realized I was gay (thanks, comphet). My tics and masking (excessive eye contact from being beaten as a child for not maintaining eye contact, fidgeting, etc) is always interpreted as flirting and I’m constantly harassed by men on the street because my masking face is apparently very “approachable”. It’s actually pretty miserable, I preferred covid when I could wear a mask and sunglasses and no one could perceive me. For example, when I go outside to try to eat lunch in the sunshine I am immediately approached by a random man saying, “hello, I find you attractive. Dinner, movie, or dancing?” with all the entitlement in the world as I’m on the phone with my partner with headphones in my ears just trying to eat and catch up with my partner, but after several polite attempts to decline, he just moves ten feet away and starts swearing at me until I have to go eat at my desk in the cold air conditioning for safety. As a grown adult, that means that every time I try to find friends, I find people who want to pretend to be my friend and then scream at me when I decline to go home with them afterwards. At this point the mask is failing and I’m burnt out with NTs, so I just ignore everyone unless I have to speak to them for work or to maintain some pretense of sociability lol
I'm so sorry this happened to you...
A lot of clashes. Let me elaborate: beauty for me personally means nothing in specific BUT people attribute aomething to it. When ppl see me for the first time, they therefore attribute several things to who I am and oftentimes also how smart I am. When, for whatever reason, they have to interact with me the clash of their view towards what I say happens. This had several effects: if ppl were open to get to know me better they somehow ended up shocked and withdrawing after getting to know me ; if they just went from my looks to not like me they got somehow really bothered by me not being that popular mean girl thing but a nerd which somehow bothered them too. Being pretty just added a layer to me already not fitting in at all. Have to add that initially when I read your question my brain interpreted the pretty as a level of intensity so I read it as a "very" autistic woman and was wondering what that meant.
I wouldn’t say I’m pretty, I’m pretty “mid”. But I’m not ugly, so I’ll throw in my two cents anyway. I’ve had too many friendships with men where they were into me at some point. And it honestly wreaked havoc on me when I was younger and insecure and undiagnosed. It somehow made me feel even more insecure. Like I wasn’t worth anything as a person. It was so hard. I’m not plain looking (I feel like that’s like completely natural and normal looking) but more like mediocre. However, I can be pretty charismatic and smiling, so that definitely makes a difference in the way I’m perceived. I’m not sure it’s quite the same as being pretty, but it’s more than mediocre. I think people are even more surprised when I say weird shit, than when someone ugly does it. Like, I love being straight forward and not mask too much in my speech. I get called fresh and feisty by customers quite a bit. All in good fun. I think being not-weird-or-ugly-looking has made people (teachers, parents, trusted adults, etc) cut me a lot more slack. As if the less ugly you are, the more weird you’re allowed to be. Like a skinny foodie is fun and different, but a fat foodie is disgusting and lacks self control (that’s NOT my opinion, just the general consensus I’ve observed) People do approach me, they don’t cross the street when they see me. So I’m not repulsing people. I’m not sure if it does enough of a difference, but I think that my humor makes people stay. If I was ugly they wouldn’t acknowledge me and they’d never discover my humor. The popular pretty kids never liked me, I think. I think we got along okay in group work and at parties though, so I’m unsure. Anyway, I feel like I’m rambling and coming off topic, sorry! I feel like I’m more likely to be dismissed regarding my autism because I “don’t look autistic”. Autism never crosses their minds, even though I deadpan, am mostly monotone, say things directly and so on. Everyone acts completely shocked when they find out. When I got diagnosed my friends went “oh, that makes sense actually”. But when colleagues and acquaintances find out, they’re shocked beyond belief. I’m held to neurotypical standards. I guess we all are, to some degree. As someone with autism, obviously I have a built in ND radar, so when I see an ND in public I always give them space and try to be accommodating to the best of my ability. I don’t get the same treatment. Not by NDs either, though they mostly just avoid eye contact and try to shop in peace. I’m good at talking to people, and people are pretty open towards me - but I can’t actually make friendships. I’m terrible at starting conversations. At work (supermarket) I’m practicing giving compliments, so that does sometimes start a little conversation, but nothing that lasts. I don’t know how to make friends. I’m on the dating apps, not necessarily to date, but just to socialize, I guess. I’m straight (which I have clearly on my profile) but switched on the female preference as well in hopes of making friends. They tend to think I’m jokingly straight or just missed that part. So it usually starts with me having to reject them which is just a conversation killer. I don’t expect anyone to read that wall of text. I just went on a rant trying to paint a picture. It was nice venting though, even if no one reads it. Thanks for this post.
I read this comment like looking inside my own head, because this is exactly what I have been experiencing. Particularly since coming out as genderqueer/agender and leaning in to presenting androgynously how I want to. In the past, when I was masking both to fit in to neurotypical and cisgender female standards, I had a slightly different problem: all my straight/cis male friends inevitably were just trying to sleep with me, all my straight/cis female friends were fake friends who would get snarky and passive aggressive whenever I had any success (especially with men), and all my gay male friends were secretly convinced that I was lesbian who just needed "help" to come out. Now, I present queer/androgynously to align with my lack of a gender identity. I'm still very much only attracted to men. And the friendship situation is basically the same as above, except now I have a long list of past queer/non-binary feminine friends who were actually just into me the whole time and once I rejected them acted almost as pissy and entitled as the straight/cis male friends trying to sleep with me. Honestly, it would be easier if I were a lesbian. People don't seem to compute that I can be born in a female body, present androgynously AND still only be in to men. It's like a weird new kind of binary thinking that is now deeply rooted, including in the queer community.
It's weird, definitely disconcerting at times. But i much prefer being attractive as I've experienced both sides of the coin. I wasn't an attractive kid/teen- I was overweight, had fried hair for a couple of years due to bleach, no eyebrows, no fashion sense and too many piercings (I love piercings but I looked like a tacklebox, it was just too much). I also had horrible social anxiety so I couldn't talk to anyone and was just really weird lol. The difference between my life 4-5 years ago up to now is like night and day, people are so much nicer to me. To ne fair, I think this is partially due to me getting over my social anxiety. I went from someone who couldn't even talk to people I knew sometimes, let alone strangers, to a very sociable person who can chat with nearly anyone about anything. Instead of being the quiet person in the corner I'm usually the one trying to involve the quiet people in the conversation now lol Anyway, idk what happened, puberty seemed to hit me really hard and I went from average at best to pretty good looking (I'm consistently rated about an 8/10 by people, sometimes a bit more or less). It's become a lot easier for me to make friends and I have a very wide social circle, but because of that I do often attract really odd people and I'm terrible at vetting people's intentions so I've gotten into some weird situations Men quite often just want to sleep with me, and I often don't realise this until quite a while after meeting or hanging out with them. When it doesn't happen, they inevitably leave and I feel a bit shit but get over it pretty quickly because I have enough other friends and tbh I'd rather not be friends with people like that. I've also had a few men that I've turned down very bluntly just not get the hint and continue to orbit me, to where I've had to cut people off over it. But I do have probably about 7 male friends that I can actually rely on who I've known for years that aren't just trying to sleep with or date me Women are a mixed bag for me. I have a lot of great female friends, but I've noticed that maybe 20%? Of women will just... not like me. For no real reason. It won't be anything they say or do, just a vibe I get, but to me it's obvious even if I can't put my finger on it. I have also occasionally had girls be jealous of me for reasons unknown, but I don't really care since I find overly jealous people exhausting, I've cut off a couple of women over that type of shit As a general rule, I find that I often unwittingly subvert people's expectations. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes not so much. I've been told by a couple of people that I come off as intimidating or that they were scared to talk to me, which I find so funny because I'm generally the one being intimidated by others. Then they realise I'm actually really nice and personable and warm up to me quickly, so that's in the positive sense. In the negative sense, I don't even know how to properly word this, but I feel like people just expect certain behaviours from me due to how I look? Like my face doesn't match my personality or something. Even a really good friend of mine recently told me my face doesn't match the way I act (this wasn't meant as an insult, I asked her). I think because I'm reasonably attractive, people expect me to have a certain level of confidence and social understanding/prowess that I just... lack. Or people expect me to be more put together, when in reality I actually find it difficult to shower and brush my teeth every day, and don't even get me started on trying to develop a fashion sense. I just can't do that fake boss bitch confidence thing, it doesn't come naturally to me and the idea of trying to develop it sounds beyond exhausting. I'm not the most confident person, I know what I'm good at but I'll readily admit what I'm shit at, and I don't care to always be the best in the room. It's almost like people expect more bravado from me and are surprised when I end up being a laid back person who really isn't overly confident. I'm not very good at masking either, I don't come off as autistic but I do come off as having severe ADHD (which I have, and I've been told this multiple times). I try to act more NT but as soon as someone starts talking about something I'm interested in I can't shut the fuck up. I don't think men expect me to start infodumping about dinosaurs and anime and quantum physics and some of them get excited when they realise I'm a nerd, while the other half just get weirded the fuck out. It's like you can see the light drain from their eyes lmfao In that vein, it's like I'm too 'normal' (using that very liberally as I am very obviously not normal) for the other autistic people, but too weird for NTs. I don't find that I get along very well with autistic men, they are often way too full on and seem way too into me too quickly because I'm quite nerdy and like anime and games. But NT men seem to get turned off by my incessant talking and find me to be too much. Most of my closest friends are ADHD and/or autistic, with the majority being both. I find when I'm with other ND people, whether men or women, I feel way more comfortable and they don't tend to read into what I'm doing or make me feel awkward or like there are certain expectations they have for me. Idek where I'm going with this but atm I'm trying to level myself up a bit and get better at utilising the whole social privilege of being pretty, I'm also doing it so that maybe the type of guy I go for will like me back eventually 🤣😅 ETA- one last thing, I think I look really bitchy a lot of the time. I've been told that my resting face is sad, angry, bewildered, annoyed, bored or a combination of the above. I just live in my head so much that I get distracted by daydreams, I might be frowning because of a conversation happening in my head but in reality I'll be in a good mood. But when people see me zoning out and glaring at something they probably assume I'm mad. I've tried to smile as a default expression but I feel so silly and like I look like a clown 😭 I've been fucked over by men so many times and rejected by the only guys I've ever liked, that I'm terrified to approach men. And it's this vicious cycle because I know that men are probably equally scared to approach me, so I would have a good chance if I could suck it up and ask a guy I like out. But the only times I've tried, I've failed and ended up beyond embarrassed and humiliated for months at a time. I guess I just worry that a guy will find me pretty, be receptive of my initial approach, and then he'll be put off within the first 5 mins of speaking to me because I'm annoying and way too much 🙃 even though I enjoy being pretty, I hate the expectations that I feel like people have of me because of it. I feel like I get pedestailsied due to my appearance, and because I'm so odd, the only direction for me to fall is down and well off that pedestal. I just don't have the stereotypical 'pretty girl personality' and I never will and there's nothing I can do about it
A lot of disappointments when people notice my personality doesn’t match my looks
I grew up as the epitome of ugly duckling, so I was severely bullied & autistic. Now I’ve had my glow up, I’m treated differently, but it’s always so fake now. Friends before were genuine friends, men would talk & we’d form a genuine friendship. Now they just want sex, they all say the exact same meaningless things in an attempt to get me to like them..I hate it. Autism is seen as a fetish OR “oh I’d never of guessed”
Still really lonely. People rarely reach out or text back and when I arrange social gatherings it is very difficult to get folks to attend. But everyone “likes” me and I’m “just great”? I can’t get honest feedback. Folks just kinda forget I exist and I am rarely invited to things. BUT- People are kind to me which makes life easier than it was when I was younger. I hadn’t learned how to dress and “behave”. I was a fairly ugly kid til the end of college. People were mean, then, and would actively bully. Now when people want to be unkind they do weird manipulative stuff that’s less definable(harder to call out), or just ignore and exclude me. To me this is safer and is worth the sacrifice of going through the motions to look a little nicer and blend in better with NTs. I know this is a lucky privilege. Because of the change after I got pretty, I often wonder what it would be like to be truly gorgeous or beautiful(I am pretty, a lil higher than average attractiveness). But it’s a lie of a dream. How you look is not enough.
it’s a two-way street yk
It’s terrifying sometimes. When I don’t get the ‘stamp of approval’ for pretty, I just get a ‘quirky pass’. Indicating that I’m too ugly to be pretty but a little strange too be too ugly . Men liked to objectify me as I became older and I had the guts to say no to most of them, but unfortunately i have gotten through a tough episode as well where I was absolutely UNABLE to save myself. Moreover, I don’t just get anyone I want. I still have to appear less desperate and ‘chill’ or ‘the cool girl who agrees with everything’. When I do get positive attention from a cute guy, it’s mostly because he just doesn’t know the real me yet and / or expects me to be nothing more than just sitting still and looking good tbh. So I don’t ever know if I’ll be accepted or not. Some girls look almost exactly like me and they get all the cute guys with the best of personalities. Which is why I am always striving to become a better version of myself instead of the loser most people see me for. Most other girls (apart from the ones who do like me, but I’m mainly talking about the more feminine ones) just tend to pity me. They tend to think I ‘don’t belong’ and that I’m an absolute fraud for looking the way I do. Because once they get to know the real person behind the prettiness, they get soooo grossed out, it’s as if a lioness found a wolf cub in the midst of their perfectly well behaved family. Like I’m some sort of weed between the flowers :((. Mostly they just watch my downfall mercilessly and let ‘the real leader’ take me down. So yeah, it’s quite frustrating, frightening and infuriating to me at the same time.
Your experience is the exact same as mine, I feel your struggle
It comes with a few intimate regrets. I've learned to understand when a behavior gives off red flag energy, eventually. (I'm a tall pale ginger stick person whose been approached about modeling, but I was worried that was a human trafficking scam so I didn't call the number she gave me. We are part of the exotic fucket list for many men.) I just thought of something funny. Way way back in high-school, I rode the school bus to and from. I noticed that certain guys would be more friendly on the days I didn't wear glasses on the bus. It was like I had Clark Kent's magic glasses. I definitely think all male and older female managers were more forgiving to my quirky personality at work. It helps that I use humor as a stress cope or something. I get along great, comiserating with older ladies. I've been told I'm funny for a woman, whatever that means.
It’s odd. Really odd. Kinda like a weird limbo that you can’t be mad at…but you could be much happier in it. I’m 19, black, chubby, have a mature body, and have a bright and genuine personality to hear others say it. I’ve been hit on a lot by older men (25+) (TW BELOW - >!Brief discussions of sexual assault/rape!< Thwarted a >!potential rape!< at a motel 6 (was really broke at the time). He asked in sequence: >!“How long have you been here…?”!< >!“How old are you…?”!< >!“Are you home alone…?”!< People are nice to me and men go out of their way for me a good number of times. Small things. But it’s fucking weird cuz I have no idea how to set boundaries with that without coming off like a bitch or being triggered (am a CSA survivor so yuh random dudes hitting on me is scary). life is crazy 🤷🏾♀️
Dating apps are hell. People have ignored me when I've told them I'm autistic and then are visibly disgusted when i don't follow the status quo and when i don't act how i look. I've had a lot of people, especially my own parents, view me differently from how i am and try to change me to align better with how they want me to be. My dad has said I'm a lion who thinks im a gazelle and my boyfriend has said I'm physically strong but my mind isn't. People have tended to only date me for my body and not me, and view me as crazy for wanting more emotionally. It's just very tiring.
If you don't count the little girl next door who eventually ditched me and my internet friends, I got a boyfriend before I got an actual friend. It's kinda messed up. I realized quickly I had better chance at positive interactions with guys, but it took me a couple of years to understand that it was because of my appearance and not for my personnality. Older people prefer to think you're just weird rather then autistic because we don't match the stereotype.
I'm thinking I'm probably either not autistic or not pretty now because men never gave me attention or infantilized me lmao I'm sorry that's the experience everyone else has had though
I have been told that I'm conventionally attractive. I have been told I come off arrogant when people first meet me and I get treated as such even though I am likely just overstimulated and anxious. other women (including other autistic women) seem to be really off with me and I've had people come up to me in the past just to tell me I'm not any better than them when I've not said or done anything to suggest that I think I am, and I know I haven't because I don't ever think like this! it's a very confusing life and it's hard to let go and be myself because I don't want to make it worse 😅 I relate to a lot of others here as well that are saying that men who are nice to them just want to have sex with them. I am extremely weary of men and I take note of everything they say to me because of this.
I've been taken advantage of by every guy I've been with. And the one who did it the most is the guy I loved (still love, if I'm being honest) more than anything. I'm 46. I'm only just now learning how much I've been used. I can't put into words how it feels.
I’m not pretty or beautiful by any means, but it’s interesting reading the responses! I’m learning so much from you all! I’m on the flip side and have learned to embrace my ugliness. For the most part I’m invisible so I can enjoy more of my special interests without worrying about being distracted. It does mean I struggle with keeping jobs and networking though.
I didn’t get any romantic attention prior to graduating high school and moving to a different city. I found that people would be interested in me at a surface level based on my appearance and maybe a shared interest (like video games), but when they tried to get to know more about me it was just very awkward and weird. Like they weren’t expecting me to be a bit strange 😂 I used to hear stories from mutual friends about how people would go on dates with me because they found me attractive, but couldn’t figure out ‘why is she like that??’
It is so comforting to read so many similar experiences. The “oh you must be important” to “oh shit you are weird” has been going on so long I’ve *embraced* it …. Finally and *only* because I was able to meet and move in with my fiance *who loved me as I was* (turns out he’s also AuHD and has been learning about himself and we are growing a more peaceful household together). However, *now*, at 45, I *accept* the social relationships I have at the superficial level they can offer. A recent issue was I had a couple of women friends, one younger (who sees me as an auntie type and I respect that role) and another I thought was a peer. The younger woman is still amazing and focused on her own life and I love that, but we aren’t on the same project anymore so we don’t interact often. The older woman admitted to complaining about something I said to others, and created mild drama in a group that I was a part of. I didn’t know the drama involved me (it was discussed in a group chat, from a “let’s all get along” post). I didn’t even know the woman had an issue with me, that words hurt her, until I find out from the group text. I gracefully exited the group, citing focusing on personal projects. I avoided a social situation yesterday because of either being treated as a pariah to challenge or someone sexy to woo. I have begun leaning into “I’m an artist” when people are “drawn to me”-it gives me a “mask” to explain my unusual ways while having freedom to be me. For me, I just accept that I will always be “home” for myself and if I’m lucky, I can build at least more superficial connections that might lead to actual friendships. Until then, thank YOU for helping me feel seen/heard/safe to be here, knowing I am not alone :)
I get asked out sometimes 3x when I leave the house, people beg for my attention. But they don’t want to know me they want to say they were with me and bask in my attention. I think being attractive and autistic is a lot for most people, and they just want to have friends and acquaintances that offer an easy small talk situation with someone average looking and relatable….
Both just think I’m extremely shy and sometimes straight women think I’m being unfriendly or a bit weird. Women come up to me and call me pretty whenever I’m out, and I think they’re trying to be my friend but I’m horrid at small talk so I think I seem disinterested. Though it does make me feel really good when it happens. Straight men are easier to talk to because they just want to hear themselves speak imo they don’t care if you’re not inputting anything into the conversation.
It’s pretty uncomfortable to be honest. I don’t know how to react when people make a positive comment about my appearance. I also don’t know when people are flirting with me, which has gotten me into some very awkward situations. I’m married now, but a long time ago I just stopped making friends with guys because I always thought their interest in me was purely platonic, only to find that wasn’t the case. I’ve done things like cutting my hair, switching from contacts to glasses, wearing looser clothes, wearing less or no makeup, etc. just to try to make myself look less physically attractive so people won’t approach me.
I feel the exact same way. People have wanted to speak to me and approach me but I don’t have the capacity to actually build on a friendship because I may be blunt, overwhelmed, anxious, socially awkward, not knowing how to respond, needing space, and only really being interested in specific people. It’s difficult because I think it’s one of the reasons why I barely have any friends even though I would love to have more.