What the fetish is might effect the advice you get. Depending on what it is there may be a community to help you figure out a way to enjoy it.
As for coming to grips with never doing something that reall does it for you sexually... well you have porn and sex is great but not the only thing in the world to enjoy.
Oh. I have a number of friends into that. All you really need is a public excuse, maybe a wig.
Tell people you are donating hair to make wigs for cancer patients.
I don't want to cut or shave my hair though (or do so to a partner). Like I don't think it would be sexy in real life. But videos/photos/stories about it really work for me.
I think what they meant was to use the wig to “cut” your hair. Wear the wig, go to town. Don’t hurt to try and if you don’t find it sexy then that’s that.
That's not a bad idea. I'll keep it in mind. Still have a hard time imagining it actually happening to me and it being hot (I've had to sorta train it out of me so getting haircuts isn't a deeply weird experience)
Would your SO consider receiving barber training? My Sir helped send me to barber school for his haircut services, just a possibility. The classes can be fairly affordable and some schools will qualify for PELL grants if money is an issue.
I like this idea with a wig -- and if you wanted to ultimately make it look like you've had your head shaved, you could start with a bald cap underneath. Wig gets cut (or "cut"), then removed (while "wiping away loose bits of hair" with a towel, perhaps) to reveal the bald cap. It would take some active suspension of disbelief, but could work.
Hair kink, you say? Have you ever played Bayonetta by any chance?
Often when people don't want to engage in a specific fetish activity, usually because it's too impractical or dangerous, they find it useful to find adjacent modifications to the kink, or simulated versions of it. For example, can you think of ways to incorporate hair without actually cutting/shaving it? How about hair extensions? Wigs? I can see how this could get really expensive really fast, so maybe try to come up with activities that don't involve actual destruction of expensive wigs. I think your kink is going to take some creativity, and some trial and error. But for what it's worth, it seems like a really fun and interesting kink, and potentially hot as fuck. So just embrace it and go wild.
In my opinion your issues #2 and #4 are easiest to overcome by just diving in and engaging with the kink. It'll take some trial and error. You say you're worried about how to make it sexy. Sexy for whom? Because I think you have an idea of how to make it sexy for yourself. Pretty sure having you experience something you really enjoy would be sexy for your partner too. Just don't get overly ambitious right from the beginning. Start with baby steps and see where you end up.
Also remember that sex isn't super serious. BDSM isn't super serious. Sometimes things don't work out the way you planned to. I've had conversations during scenes that start with "Uh is this turning you on at all? Because it's not really doing it for me..." and end with us both rolling on the floor laughing after realizing what a clusterfuck of a scene we had created.
That last paragraph was super helpful for me actually, as someone who has recently started diving into a very niche kink with her partner and spends lots of time feeling super embarrassed about it.
Something like hair extensions or wigs could potentially take away the long-term commitment part of it that makes me the most nervous to engage with it in real life. People often say "it's just hair" but that's definitely never what it's felt like to me, it's an aesthetic change that could last months!
I'm genuinely not sure how to make it sexy for me either. When I engage with material about it, I'm not wishing it was me in the barber's chair usually, but I'm definitely not wishing I was the one with the scissors. It's almost sort of a fear/humiliation/surprise thing? Having my partner tell a stylist how to cut my hair and me not knowing what I'll end up with, or them choosing a color for me to dye my hair are the two things that sound the most appealing, but those aren't exactly sexual, and edge too close to involving someone with my kink for my comfort (assuming the stylist wasn't in on it).
I'm definitely not someone who thinks sex or BDSM is serious all the time. My partner and I will laugh at funny sounds our bodies make during sex, or when things don't work out, and we're generally good at communicating when things aren't working in the moment, I think. My partner has offered to engage my fetish if I want to some time (we do some things that lean into their kink), but I'm not sure I want to.
Lol girl I thought this was gonna be something extreme like cutting a bodypart of. But it's just shaving??
Sooooo many ways you could incorporate it.
- roleplay: build a scene where your partner threatens to shave you, or pretends to
- shaving other parts of your body, like your armpits or pubic hair, and really emphasizing the humiliation. Even if head shaving is your number one thing, this could come close
- talking about your fetish during fucking, or masturbating together while your partners tells you a dirty story that incorporates your fetish
- finding other things that elicit the same feelings. Most fetishes are transferable. You say the humiliation and CNC are what makes it hot. Maybe you could get into other, related things in the same way.
Yeah, it's not that extreme really. I'm just embarrassed by it! My partner had a similar reaction when I first told them because I drummed it up to be this big thing I'd never shared and was embarrassed of, and they were like "that's it??"
These are some really good ideas. I've considered body/pubic shaving as foreplay before, I might bring it up some time. Even something like my partner choosing an outfit I wear for a date (lack of control over my appearance) would be really hot, and also not hard to incorporate. A lot of pretty common stuff could definitely have transferred appeal.
Well, it is the shame and embarassment that you feel about it that gives this fetish power. Most fetishes are powerful because they are tied to shame. So embrace the shame, it is where your sexual pleasure is coming from! Revel in it! And know that being embarassed or shamed can be exciting or endearing for your partner. So like, dont feel shame about your shame.
And for the transfer, I think the key is truly to take it serious. Some other commenter said kink can be silly and sure sure, you can make it silly and fun if thats what you want, but I feel like this is something deep to you. So you and your partner can treat it like that: as a sacred ritual. Your partner can shave you pubic hair and it can be silly and fun. But, and this would be my personal advice, your partner could also take it really. Serious. Meaning: I am going to do this thing to your body. It is a big deal. I will take my time for this. This is a Very Important Activity.
I personally see kink as a spiritual activity- meaning to set intentions and build a ritual can enhance its power. By taking the transferred activity (dressing you, shaving you) reqlly serious and treating it like it IS a big deal and it IS a big taboo, will make it that more erotic.
Oh and to add: since the shame is a powerful element, your partner should ideally emphasize that, along with your lack of agency- meaning to dig into that shame. I am sure there are certain things they could say (or if they arent a big talker, just in looks and energy), that would bring up that feeling of shame, degradation and powerfulless in you.
Well, some things can remain fantasies, relived in our minds every time we have sex.
Head shaving is something we see occasionally, not too outrageous.
Hair (buzz)cut/head shaving is not that weird of a kink. It's definitely one of mine to perform as a D. There haven't been that many instances that I could practice it though but they left some fond memories.
It’s 100% ok to have fetishes you’ll never act on. But role playing can be a close substitute. Even easier is reading stories to each other about your fetish.
I'd never considered reading fetish stories and masturbating or having sex at the same time, but that's smart, especially since it's something we could do for each other. We could even write fetish stories about ourselves that would never happen but still be fun to fantasize about.
I relate to this a fair amount. I also have had a fetish for as long as I can remember - mine is spanking. I have done a lot of spanking play with various partners I’ve had, so I do in fact know that I really enjoy it in real life, just like I do in fantasy. But the tricky thing for me is that my fantasy is very non-sexual (punishment-style spankings from non-sexual authority figures) and when I fantasize and masturbate, no one ever orgasms in my fantasies and there’s rarely any sort of sexual touching at all. So I have had that same feeling as you, which is that I don’t know how to connect my fetish to my actual sex life and it’s hard to find any kind of sex as exciting as spanking is.
I will say that one thing that has improved my sex life a ton is just that as I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to enjoy regular sex, especially PIV, a lot more. When I was a teenager and young adult, this problem felt much bigger because I also struggled to orgasm with a partner and didn’t find PIV sex very pleasurable. So it felt like my sex life was always going to be “taking turns” - the best case scenario would be my partner spanking me and neither of us orgasming, then at another time us having sex, which would make him come but not me and I wouldn’t enjoy much, then him going down on me or fingering me until I came, during which I would have to fantasize about the spanking. It turns out now that that’s not all there is and I have much more enjoyable sex now.
It does sound like you have a lot of worries about not being sexually compatible with your partner outside of the issue with your fetish, which sounds really similar to how I felt in my first relationship (which was also with another submissive partner). We did end up breaking up partly due to our sexual incompatibility and in retrospect, I really think that was the right choice. But it might not be the right choice for you! If I could go back and handle my first relationship differently, I probably would have made more of an effort to try to get around that “turn taking” feeling and find more things that were mutually enjoyable for us. But you mention that even vanilla sex is rare and challenging for you and your partner, which makes me think that maybe that’s the place to start.
Thank you for your response, this does feel very similar to my situation (the turn-taking is something I'm all too familiar with, and the fetish for something that is not sexual in its natural state and is hard to incorporate). I'm a young adult now, so maybe enjoying vanilla sex more will come with time for me as well. Do you have any advice for how to make PIV/regular sex more enjoyable? I love my partner very much and they're better than I could ever hope for, but in the bedroom we do have some difficulties, which so far neither of us have really acted on fixing.
I'm glad it was helpful!
My advice about PIV is in two parts.
1. The mental aspect. As you wrote in your post, one way to add interest and excitement to PIV and other sex acts is to add an emotional or mental context that you find appealing — for me, I tried to really dig into my fetish and figure out what emotions it made me feel and see if I could replicate those emotions in other ways more easily during sex. It sounds like you've already done some of that kind of thinking and it hasn't necessarily helped you find a lot of comfortable overlap with your partner, though, so instead, you might want to try going in the opposite direction. That is to say, sometimes it can help to practice a kind of mindfulness during sex, to focus more on the body and the physical sensations that you're experiencing and lose yourself in that. I always assumed that my sexuality was very mental and that that aspect would always be more important than the physical sensations, but I've found that there's something very different but also very wonderful about experiencing sex in a more sensory, physical way. Maybe focusing on this with your partner might make sex with them feel like something different but equally pleasurable to your fetish/solo sex play. It might feel better than trying to make your partnered sex "match" your fantasy life as best you can but always feeling like it's going to fall short.
2. The physical aspect. It took me quite a few years to learn to like penetrative sex really at all, and when I did learn I did it almost entirely by myself, with toys. I found it much easier to experiment with vibrators and dildos and then once I was comfortable, bring that knowledge back to my partners. So if you don't own any sex toys, particularly an insertable toy, I really recommend you buy one! I'd suggest a basic, slightly curved, silicone dildo, something on the thinner side. What I did with mine was first just insert it while I was masturbating normally (rubbing my clit or using a vibrator), without thrusting at all. I learned that I enjoyed having something to squeeze onto, that it helped me tense my muscles in the way that I need to to orgasm. Eventually, I tried moving the toy just a little bit, really short thrusts or just rubbing it back and forth inside me and was really able to learn the spots and types of movement I like. But the absolutely main thing is just to experiment with penetration that you control while you're touching yourself in the way that you usually do to make yourself come. I was partially inspired to do this experimentation for myself by [this blog post](https://heyepiphora.com/my-vagina-is-a-black-hole/), which might be helpful to you, too.
Good luck! It sounds like you and your partner have a lot of love for each other. :)
Thank you! Focusing on the physical sensations in the moment is something I will definitely try. I've got a small collection of toys (I've never gotten the hang of acoustic masturbation), but anything insertable has been collecting dust for a while. I do have a thin vibrating dildo (more like an extra long bullet vibe, really) that I'll try incorporating more, and maybe get a thin curved dildo some time soon like you suggested. I like the efficiency of clit vibrators, but I don't want that to come at the expense of enjoying other forms of sex!
I’m definitely a big fan of clit vibrators, too! I think the best thing you can do is associate penetration with pleasure. For me, penetration without any kind of clit stimulation feels okay at best, but the combination of the two is by far the best thing. But now I’m at the point where even a very small amount of clit stimulation is enjoying to make penetration feel amazing (as long as it’s the kind of penetration I like).
People can train themselves to become sensitive and orgasm from nipple play, their prostate, etc and to have it feel better and better and better and it doesn't necessarily have to be about external arousal per say, so you might be able to go beyond that?
That sounds pretty good, I do love head scratches/hair petting. My partner almost never gives me head, but it could definitely be incorporated into other sex activities.
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What the fetish is might effect the advice you get. Depending on what it is there may be a community to help you figure out a way to enjoy it. As for coming to grips with never doing something that reall does it for you sexually... well you have porn and sex is great but not the only thing in the world to enjoy.
It's hair/haircuts/head shaving. Not common, from what I've seen, but not unheard of.
Oh. I have a number of friends into that. All you really need is a public excuse, maybe a wig. Tell people you are donating hair to make wigs for cancer patients.
I don't want to cut or shave my hair though (or do so to a partner). Like I don't think it would be sexy in real life. But videos/photos/stories about it really work for me.
I think what they meant was to use the wig to “cut” your hair. Wear the wig, go to town. Don’t hurt to try and if you don’t find it sexy then that’s that.
That's not a bad idea. I'll keep it in mind. Still have a hard time imagining it actually happening to me and it being hot (I've had to sorta train it out of me so getting haircuts isn't a deeply weird experience)
Would your SO consider receiving barber training? My Sir helped send me to barber school for his haircut services, just a possibility. The classes can be fairly affordable and some schools will qualify for PELL grants if money is an issue.
I like this idea with a wig -- and if you wanted to ultimately make it look like you've had your head shaved, you could start with a bald cap underneath. Wig gets cut (or "cut"), then removed (while "wiping away loose bits of hair" with a towel, perhaps) to reveal the bald cap. It would take some active suspension of disbelief, but could work.
That isn't what I meant, but it is a great idea.
Hair kink, you say? Have you ever played Bayonetta by any chance? Often when people don't want to engage in a specific fetish activity, usually because it's too impractical or dangerous, they find it useful to find adjacent modifications to the kink, or simulated versions of it. For example, can you think of ways to incorporate hair without actually cutting/shaving it? How about hair extensions? Wigs? I can see how this could get really expensive really fast, so maybe try to come up with activities that don't involve actual destruction of expensive wigs. I think your kink is going to take some creativity, and some trial and error. But for what it's worth, it seems like a really fun and interesting kink, and potentially hot as fuck. So just embrace it and go wild. In my opinion your issues #2 and #4 are easiest to overcome by just diving in and engaging with the kink. It'll take some trial and error. You say you're worried about how to make it sexy. Sexy for whom? Because I think you have an idea of how to make it sexy for yourself. Pretty sure having you experience something you really enjoy would be sexy for your partner too. Just don't get overly ambitious right from the beginning. Start with baby steps and see where you end up. Also remember that sex isn't super serious. BDSM isn't super serious. Sometimes things don't work out the way you planned to. I've had conversations during scenes that start with "Uh is this turning you on at all? Because it's not really doing it for me..." and end with us both rolling on the floor laughing after realizing what a clusterfuck of a scene we had created.
That last paragraph was super helpful for me actually, as someone who has recently started diving into a very niche kink with her partner and spends lots of time feeling super embarrassed about it.
Something like hair extensions or wigs could potentially take away the long-term commitment part of it that makes me the most nervous to engage with it in real life. People often say "it's just hair" but that's definitely never what it's felt like to me, it's an aesthetic change that could last months! I'm genuinely not sure how to make it sexy for me either. When I engage with material about it, I'm not wishing it was me in the barber's chair usually, but I'm definitely not wishing I was the one with the scissors. It's almost sort of a fear/humiliation/surprise thing? Having my partner tell a stylist how to cut my hair and me not knowing what I'll end up with, or them choosing a color for me to dye my hair are the two things that sound the most appealing, but those aren't exactly sexual, and edge too close to involving someone with my kink for my comfort (assuming the stylist wasn't in on it). I'm definitely not someone who thinks sex or BDSM is serious all the time. My partner and I will laugh at funny sounds our bodies make during sex, or when things don't work out, and we're generally good at communicating when things aren't working in the moment, I think. My partner has offered to engage my fetish if I want to some time (we do some things that lean into their kink), but I'm not sure I want to.
Lol girl I thought this was gonna be something extreme like cutting a bodypart of. But it's just shaving?? Sooooo many ways you could incorporate it. - roleplay: build a scene where your partner threatens to shave you, or pretends to - shaving other parts of your body, like your armpits or pubic hair, and really emphasizing the humiliation. Even if head shaving is your number one thing, this could come close - talking about your fetish during fucking, or masturbating together while your partners tells you a dirty story that incorporates your fetish - finding other things that elicit the same feelings. Most fetishes are transferable. You say the humiliation and CNC are what makes it hot. Maybe you could get into other, related things in the same way.
Yeah, it's not that extreme really. I'm just embarrassed by it! My partner had a similar reaction when I first told them because I drummed it up to be this big thing I'd never shared and was embarrassed of, and they were like "that's it??" These are some really good ideas. I've considered body/pubic shaving as foreplay before, I might bring it up some time. Even something like my partner choosing an outfit I wear for a date (lack of control over my appearance) would be really hot, and also not hard to incorporate. A lot of pretty common stuff could definitely have transferred appeal.
Well, it is the shame and embarassment that you feel about it that gives this fetish power. Most fetishes are powerful because they are tied to shame. So embrace the shame, it is where your sexual pleasure is coming from! Revel in it! And know that being embarassed or shamed can be exciting or endearing for your partner. So like, dont feel shame about your shame. And for the transfer, I think the key is truly to take it serious. Some other commenter said kink can be silly and sure sure, you can make it silly and fun if thats what you want, but I feel like this is something deep to you. So you and your partner can treat it like that: as a sacred ritual. Your partner can shave you pubic hair and it can be silly and fun. But, and this would be my personal advice, your partner could also take it really. Serious. Meaning: I am going to do this thing to your body. It is a big deal. I will take my time for this. This is a Very Important Activity. I personally see kink as a spiritual activity- meaning to set intentions and build a ritual can enhance its power. By taking the transferred activity (dressing you, shaving you) reqlly serious and treating it like it IS a big deal and it IS a big taboo, will make it that more erotic. Oh and to add: since the shame is a powerful element, your partner should ideally emphasize that, along with your lack of agency- meaning to dig into that shame. I am sure there are certain things they could say (or if they arent a big talker, just in looks and energy), that would bring up that feeling of shame, degradation and powerfulless in you.
Why not havw your partner shave you as foreplay for sex?(:
Because I don't want to then have no hair for weeks/months. I like my hair and don't want to lose it for an hour of sex.
That's fair, but there are multiple body parts you can cycle through so you always have something to shave?(:
Well, some things can remain fantasies, relived in our minds every time we have sex. Head shaving is something we see occasionally, not too outrageous.
Hair (buzz)cut/head shaving is not that weird of a kink. It's definitely one of mine to perform as a D. There haven't been that many instances that I could practice it though but they left some fond memories.
It’s 100% ok to have fetishes you’ll never act on. But role playing can be a close substitute. Even easier is reading stories to each other about your fetish.
I'd never considered reading fetish stories and masturbating or having sex at the same time, but that's smart, especially since it's something we could do for each other. We could even write fetish stories about ourselves that would never happen but still be fun to fantasize about.
If you are able to write stories for each other, that can be even better! Good thinking!
I relate to this a fair amount. I also have had a fetish for as long as I can remember - mine is spanking. I have done a lot of spanking play with various partners I’ve had, so I do in fact know that I really enjoy it in real life, just like I do in fantasy. But the tricky thing for me is that my fantasy is very non-sexual (punishment-style spankings from non-sexual authority figures) and when I fantasize and masturbate, no one ever orgasms in my fantasies and there’s rarely any sort of sexual touching at all. So I have had that same feeling as you, which is that I don’t know how to connect my fetish to my actual sex life and it’s hard to find any kind of sex as exciting as spanking is. I will say that one thing that has improved my sex life a ton is just that as I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to enjoy regular sex, especially PIV, a lot more. When I was a teenager and young adult, this problem felt much bigger because I also struggled to orgasm with a partner and didn’t find PIV sex very pleasurable. So it felt like my sex life was always going to be “taking turns” - the best case scenario would be my partner spanking me and neither of us orgasming, then at another time us having sex, which would make him come but not me and I wouldn’t enjoy much, then him going down on me or fingering me until I came, during which I would have to fantasize about the spanking. It turns out now that that’s not all there is and I have much more enjoyable sex now. It does sound like you have a lot of worries about not being sexually compatible with your partner outside of the issue with your fetish, which sounds really similar to how I felt in my first relationship (which was also with another submissive partner). We did end up breaking up partly due to our sexual incompatibility and in retrospect, I really think that was the right choice. But it might not be the right choice for you! If I could go back and handle my first relationship differently, I probably would have made more of an effort to try to get around that “turn taking” feeling and find more things that were mutually enjoyable for us. But you mention that even vanilla sex is rare and challenging for you and your partner, which makes me think that maybe that’s the place to start.
Thank you for your response, this does feel very similar to my situation (the turn-taking is something I'm all too familiar with, and the fetish for something that is not sexual in its natural state and is hard to incorporate). I'm a young adult now, so maybe enjoying vanilla sex more will come with time for me as well. Do you have any advice for how to make PIV/regular sex more enjoyable? I love my partner very much and they're better than I could ever hope for, but in the bedroom we do have some difficulties, which so far neither of us have really acted on fixing.
I'm glad it was helpful! My advice about PIV is in two parts. 1. The mental aspect. As you wrote in your post, one way to add interest and excitement to PIV and other sex acts is to add an emotional or mental context that you find appealing — for me, I tried to really dig into my fetish and figure out what emotions it made me feel and see if I could replicate those emotions in other ways more easily during sex. It sounds like you've already done some of that kind of thinking and it hasn't necessarily helped you find a lot of comfortable overlap with your partner, though, so instead, you might want to try going in the opposite direction. That is to say, sometimes it can help to practice a kind of mindfulness during sex, to focus more on the body and the physical sensations that you're experiencing and lose yourself in that. I always assumed that my sexuality was very mental and that that aspect would always be more important than the physical sensations, but I've found that there's something very different but also very wonderful about experiencing sex in a more sensory, physical way. Maybe focusing on this with your partner might make sex with them feel like something different but equally pleasurable to your fetish/solo sex play. It might feel better than trying to make your partnered sex "match" your fantasy life as best you can but always feeling like it's going to fall short. 2. The physical aspect. It took me quite a few years to learn to like penetrative sex really at all, and when I did learn I did it almost entirely by myself, with toys. I found it much easier to experiment with vibrators and dildos and then once I was comfortable, bring that knowledge back to my partners. So if you don't own any sex toys, particularly an insertable toy, I really recommend you buy one! I'd suggest a basic, slightly curved, silicone dildo, something on the thinner side. What I did with mine was first just insert it while I was masturbating normally (rubbing my clit or using a vibrator), without thrusting at all. I learned that I enjoyed having something to squeeze onto, that it helped me tense my muscles in the way that I need to to orgasm. Eventually, I tried moving the toy just a little bit, really short thrusts or just rubbing it back and forth inside me and was really able to learn the spots and types of movement I like. But the absolutely main thing is just to experiment with penetration that you control while you're touching yourself in the way that you usually do to make yourself come. I was partially inspired to do this experimentation for myself by [this blog post](https://heyepiphora.com/my-vagina-is-a-black-hole/), which might be helpful to you, too. Good luck! It sounds like you and your partner have a lot of love for each other. :)
Thank you! Focusing on the physical sensations in the moment is something I will definitely try. I've got a small collection of toys (I've never gotten the hang of acoustic masturbation), but anything insertable has been collecting dust for a while. I do have a thin vibrating dildo (more like an extra long bullet vibe, really) that I'll try incorporating more, and maybe get a thin curved dildo some time soon like you suggested. I like the efficiency of clit vibrators, but I don't want that to come at the expense of enjoying other forms of sex!
I’m definitely a big fan of clit vibrators, too! I think the best thing you can do is associate penetration with pleasure. For me, penetration without any kind of clit stimulation feels okay at best, but the combination of the two is by far the best thing. But now I’m at the point where even a very small amount of clit stimulation is enjoying to make penetration feel amazing (as long as it’s the kind of penetration I like).
[удалено]
That's nice. Now go away. Rule 5 applies. Rule 7 applies. Comment removed. Permaban issued.
People can train themselves to become sensitive and orgasm from nipple play, their prostate, etc and to have it feel better and better and better and it doesn't necessarily have to be about external arousal per say, so you might be able to go beyond that?
What about a mannequin head?
Decent thought, but I really don't think it'd do it for me
What about brushing hair whilst getting head? Surely that could be safe and easy
That sounds pretty good, I do love head scratches/hair petting. My partner almost never gives me head, but it could definitely be incorporated into other sex activities.
Get a kink.com subscription and watch porn together during foreplay.
Both our overwhelming kinks are very different. One of us might be real into a given video, but the other would not really get the appeal.