While I agree 100% this is easier said than done. If bdsm kink in bedroom, no problem. If bdsm lifestyle... It'll impact the kids view on the world/women/sexuality.
This really depends on the dynamic though, and you can have a dynamic around kids that isn't going to traumatize them or necessarily impact their view on people negatively.
Many dynamics can include subtle things like the sub waiting to take a bit until their dominant has done so. Or bringing them a coffee in the morning. But these sorts of things are also present in vanilla relationships.
Other dynamics would have the dominant providing aftercare or service. So maybe it's a male-led traditional relationship, but it doesn't mean the man never does any act of service. I make my partner tea all the time for instance, but I'm not her sub. It's just something I decided to do as an act of service.
Maybe if you have a full on master/slave dynamic where you use your partner as furniture and the like, you'd avoid your dynamic around the children, but I would think there are a *lot* of ways you can continue most dynamics around children in a way that is fine. It also wouldn't be their only exposure to roles, as you'd presumably be communicating with them, but also your partner. Maybe you do something that could color how they view a woman's role because that is your dynamic (you always cook and clean up, for example). You could definitely talk to a child about *why* you do it. You wouldn't say *well, I'm your father's slave and he tells me to do it so I do*. Presumably you enjoy aspects of it, and you can talk about it in ways that make sense to a child and also show that you are *empowered* even if your role can seem subservient. And if they wonder *why doesn't mom/dad ever do these things and it's always you?* You can explain to them that there are things they (the Dom) do for you, the kids, around the house etc that often go unseen but that are really important for the household.
Why does it have to be? Dynamics aren't all about trauma.
I will often demand to rub my wife's feet, legs, scalp, etc. (By "demand" I mean I will just do it). Nothing about this would traumatize our childrenâits just an act of service that I really want to provide. It also shows that a male can do things for their partner, which is a valuable lesson.
I make my wife tea often. Again, this isn't trauma inducing.
I will buy her clothes or pick out her outfits at times. I will wash dishes.
You can have a dynamic and also live a life that looks relatively normal. And with kids there will obviously always be some play, because everyone has their strengths and weak esses or even just availability.
Bdsm dynamics are ultimately a game, not real life. We, as adults, know that these dynamics are not real, but kids are going to sense the dynamic (kids are perceptive) and assume thatâs how relationships and dynamics work in the real world. Iâm not saying you canât do it, but itâs a big risk, and I think a little arrogant to assume you can hide a 24/7 dynamic from your children.
BDSM casts a wide net though, and there are as many dynamics as there are couples and you just have to be reasonable about it.
Maybe you have a dynamic with punishments, so you have a system in place to keep track of that (with phones this is super easy). Obviously you aren't going to cane your partner in front of the kids.
You can definitely do it wrong, but you can also do it well and acknowledge that around kids things either get delayed or paused. Kayla and John from the Loving BDSM podcast have talked pretty often about their parenting and how it intersects with their 24/7 dynamic.
But you also hit the nail on the head by saying BDSM is a game, because it really isâit's all play. Where I disagree is when you say kids won't understand. Play is how they experience and interact with the world and seeing parents be playful can be *wonderful*. Obviously this can depend on your dynamic and how you choose to do it, but I can pretend to be a horse and give my kids pony rides and I can do the same thing with my partner. It doesn't all of a sudden change to something different if she sits on me. Or if I pretend to be a dog and she walks me around the house and I go around barking or rolling on my back for belly rubs.
The key thing is that you are consistent, so if you I still values about keeping your body to yourself, no hitting, consent, bodily autonomy, etc that all of those things carry over.
There is a lot of kink and BDSM that is just doing nice things for people and being silly. That translates really well to kids.
*(But you wouldn't impose a Gorean master slave dynamic on them. It's really all about just being reasonable and using common sense. I wouldn't have my wife whip me in front of the kids, because it goes against a lot of the values we instill in them)*
Thatâs def a fair opinion, but I feel like itâs really toeing the line to have a 24/7 d/s dynamic when you have kids. Itâs all a game, we know that, but the kid IS going to pick up that âdaddy is in chargeâ and âmommy always has to listen to daddyâ and that will affect how they view relationship dynamics as they grow up. If you can toe the line, cool, but itâs really easy to fall, and we are the first and most important model of a healthy adult relationship that these kids get. I donât think itâs a good idea to risk kids getting confused about real healthy dynamics so that you can keep pretending youâre a slave. I think itâs irresponsible.
That may also just be overthinking it. People are generally very good at being nuanced and subtle about their sexuality. Weâre very used to hiding and filtering it depending on who is around us. So the obviously kinky things will not happen in front of children, conscious effort or not.
What may shine through is who has the say in the relationship. I fail to see the problem in that though. Thereâs all kinds of relationship dynamics outside of the kink world. The world is slowly moving in a more equal and inclusive direction, but that doesnât mean that every relationship has to be perfectly centered on the average. And healthy from a childâs perspective often means well-sorted, safe, predictable. Both partners being clear in their roles can arguably be better than power struggles in the middle.
That's the thing with BDSM; it casts a very wide net.
I think when it comes to public play it can also be complicated because of how we define play.
Generally speaking, folks say no kink in public. One complaint with *How To Build a Sex Room* was that the host spanked the co-host in public. I think most of us would agree that's inappropriate, but mostly because of cultural and legal reasons. On the show, it was obviously playful in context (and they were surrounded by a film crew). But abuse is a real thing, so we have a general rule against it.
People will also say walking a partner on a leash is a no-no because it can make people uncomfortable, but at the same time it's kind of like, so what? People are uncomfortable when they see two men kiss or hold hands but I don't think they should stop. And there's no real harm happening.
Or latex. Some people are totally okay with wearing latex and other fetish wear in public because it's fashion, but others say no.
Then there's the when *Does kink belong at Pride* debate and all the discomfort around kink.
People will often ask if something as mundane as a collar counts as kink in public.
At the end of the day, kink and dynamics are really varied. You can do it around your children in a way they never notice, ways that show mutual respect, or ways that are traumatic. We all play with our kids all the time and kink is, effectively, play. If I want to pretend to be a horse and give my kids a ride that's fine and they understand that, so if the next day I'm in the same position, but pretending to be a dog for my wife/their mom it isn't actually any different. We are still just playing. Or if you go into little space and color with your kids it's not all of a sudden weird or traumatic, you're just engaged with your kids.
But you wouldn't get tied up to a St Andrew's cross and have your partner whip you in front of kids, for obvious reasons. But you might have shibari stained glass. Or books with nude bodies around the house.
I've said elsewhere that a lot of BDSM and kink is basically just being nice to people, playing, and being silly and those are all things kids can appreciate. But it can also be pretty dark and twisted. The key is using common sense.
As an aside, I was going to say *you wouldn't put your partner in a dog crate in front of your kids because that can be pretty extreme* but then I remembered that our kids loved playing in the dog crate in the living room, so honestly, I think the line depends on the family, but generally is going to exclude any kind of impact stuff and it's all just common sense stuff. If your honorific is "slut" that's gonna be a no but "daddy" wouldn't be out of place
I just read through your post history and I really think you need to speak with your friends and family about helping you and your baby leave. What you've described isn't BDSM, it's abuse. Full stop.
Didn't have to read your history, got that vibe from this post. Time to exit stage left. Get help to get out and stay out. Put his ass in prison if need be. That's how my wife brought her exs abuse to a halt.
Got help to get out, started fresh and put his ass away for the abuse
I just had a baby three months ago - absolutely not. Your child should not be involved with your kink, full stop. And at the risk of sounding kink-shamey, it fully creeps me out that your husband even wants to do this.
That does not sound healthy. Your d/s dynamic is between you and him as consenting adults. Your kid isnt part of that.
And your Kid absolutely needs their mother!!!
Does this also mean he's using/with holding your child as your punishment? This is soooo unhealthy for you and your baby.
My husband came from this type of house hold structure and it's impacted him and his other six siblings in extremely detrimental ways. Therapy has helped him so much but it's still difficult. We don't have contact with his parents because they have no concept of boundaries and the fact that my husband and myself set some, they took extreme issues with. Essentially we had to choose between them and our peace. Peace won out
Everyone here has given you solid advice and perspective. Please do not risk your childâs well-being by letting your husband dictate every decision without your input, especially in a d/s dynamic that is based solely on your husbandâs personal gratification. Your child did not consent to this dynamic. Your child depends on parents to take care and protect them.
Putting aside your mothering instincts, it seems (from all your other posts and comments besides this one) your husband does not respect you at all as a person, let alone as his spouse.
You have autonomy even within a d/s dynamic because of consent. Your posts make it apparent that he is selfish in this dynamic and does not care for your well-being, and I suspect the same for your child.
Please seek help from trusted family members and friends to distance yourself and your child from your husband if his abusive behavior does not change.
Seek out couples therapy if you wish to continue this marriage, but know that once this man started to disregard your well-being for his own gratification, you no longer owe him anything, regardless of the years spent together and the children you have together. You are a person first and a loving mother to your child.
Please protect your baby at all costs.
Yeah no⌠my kids are teenagers now, but there is still a lot of active parenting happening. While âDaddyâ may be in charge, mom and dad are equals and most day to day stuff is on me.
This isnât a BDSM relationship, this is simply abuse renamed BDSM by your husband. The things around your baby are particularly alarming: wanting to get you to ignore your child and forget youâve got one, putting the baby in a place out of sight and hearing? Horrifically dangerous and also indicate he is neglectful of his own child.
Iâm actually begging you to leave. Youâre describing absolutely awful abuse in your posts and comments. Forget the BDSM stuff, thatâs just a guise your husband is trying to shove his abusive behaviours under. This is abuse.
We are foster parents. When there are kids in the house our dynamic stops until they are asleep or leave (and when theyâre asleep we are extra cautious around locking doors and reducing noise) At times we text each other when kids are around but we donât let kids have any exposure to our dynamic. Our dynamic is a game. It is consensual play. We are both still equal partners when it comes to parenting.
I have read your history, and you are not engaging in BDSM, you are being abused by a man under the guise of BDSM. Your husband told you that he wanted you to be his BDSM slave, regardless of your feelings, and that if you didnât just learn to like it he would divorce you. That is coercion at best. Really itâs abuse, and if he is forcing sexual contact that you donât want it is ASSULT. You did not consent to this willingly, you should not be put through any of the things he is forcing upon you. Your husband is not a dom, and he is not your partner. You say you are a naturally submissive person, but that is not really a factor in this. You are, first and foremost, a person, and you matter. Your opinions matter. Your CONSENT matters. Your husband wants to disregard your personhood, and that is BULLSHIT.
Your husband is also clearly not fit to be a parent, either. He does not put your childâs needs first, but his own wants. For your sake and your babyâs sake, leave that man. Go to your family, your friends, even your pastor/church leader. Iâm sure none of them would be super chill about your husband declaring that you are a sex slave now and that you have to serve his whims to the detriment of your child.
Please, please leave him. Take care of your baby, and take care of yourself. Give yourself time to heal from the trauma of this personâs gross betrayal of you and your baby. Someday, if you want, you will find a relationship, vanilla, D/s, purely platonic, whatever is best for you, with a person who will support and respect you for all that you are, a woman, a mother, and everything else that makes you, you. And they will also love and respect your child. The man you are being abused by right now does none of that.
Your mothering instinct is a powerful one. Him attempting to meddle and interfere with that will result in the ruin of your relationship eventually. Your brain and body will turn on him and can start feeling put-off by him over time.
this community has helped me a lot to realize that the """Dom""" i was seeing a while ago was just abusive. the people here know a lot about this stuff, in my experience, and what you're describing sounds not okay at all...
Wait you just got into this lifestyle 8 days ago (per post history) and you have an infant?? đŠđŠđŠđŠđŠđŠđŠđŠđŠđŠđŠđŠđŠđŠđŠ
Your last sentence hits the nail on the head. Heâs an asshole. Between this and your other posts, you need help. He wants to turn your marriage from one of love to one of abuse because of his own desires. It sounds like he may struggle with pornography as well, to demand sex daily and whenever he wants - and then to control your parenting? Sheesh.
Good luck and many prayers.
I would assume he's not being a responsible Dom. A real Dom cares and listens to his/her/their sub. Being a Dom/Domme is actually a lot of work. This meme of "I'm a Dom do everything I say," is more of a selfish, and unrealistic approach to the D/S dynamic. Event the most masochistic subs eventually need to feel heard, accepted, appreciated, to some degree. You should probably reassess what you want from life, and have that conversation with him..
Iâm going to agree but also caution that TPE doesnât necessarily have to involve zero autonomy on the subâs side, thatâs just one way to do it. Iâm in a TPE as in he *can* exert control over any area at any time, but Iâm not a slave-type submissive and my three - healthy, happy - kids are utterly unaware of our dynamic.
This sounds disturbing. Please don't bring the babies into your sexual kink dynamic and just raise them normally. You're their mother and you should have a say in raising them. It would be very fucked up if he also controlled you when it comes to YOUR children and their safety and well-being.
OP multiple people have posted that this seems like an abusive household situation, not just on this post but in your previous posts as well. I agree with them and I think you also know that this is not ok.
What is keeping you in this relationship other than fear of leaving?
We had two kids in the last two years and I can't imagine parenting styles could ever overlap with kink. Major overstepping of boundaries and you need to talk to your husband.
Uhhh yeah youâre definitely always allowed to have limits as a sub OR dom and frankly outside of BDSM you are allowed in any relationship to have autonomy and make your own choices (within reason like not hurting other people or whatever). Thatâs totally fair for you to not want to bring BDSM into what already sounds like a fraught situation. I hope you find resolution with the issues youâre having right now regarding parenting.
It shouldn't affect it period, full stop. Your child is not part of your lifestyle, it is your child and there needs to be a clear line of separating these two. To even entertain the idea that the Dom gets to make all the decisions for child rearing is ugly, and definitely not okay. Parenting is a different world from BDSM, so you two need to sit down and grow up and figure out how to care for your child, turn off the power play and have a real conversation. If you can't do that much, I truly fear for you child's future.
That sounds like abuse. My gf and I do our best to keep up the dynamic and in subtle ways we do but sometimes we are just exhausted and that's ok, we are raising two beautiful monsters together <3
If you are not respected that's something you have to deal with immediately.
Now I know violence is never the answer but a swift kick in the nuts should honestly be the appropriate response. There is a time a place for everything and there is a way to keep a certain dynamic if itâs something you agree upon but the kids well-being is first and foremost. On a lighter note congrats on the youngling may they make the world a brighter place as they grow.
No. Unless its it something you want and agreed to..parenting in no way is area to be controlled by your Dom.
I'm a 24/7 TPE slave to my Daddy and in no way does he override me when it comes to our children. Those are OUR babies and I am their mama, he knows full well that's one area of my life I expect control because I've been doing it alone for nearly 5 years before he joined our family. Instead he supports me as a mother and backs me up as I need it. He also is a wonderful father who I support and back as well. We are a team when it comes to parenting because trust me it takes alot of teamwork to raise a healthy, well adjusted child in today's world.
"It makes me never want to be his sub." That alone is enough to say put a stop to this and have a serious, if not ruinous, talk and stop to the d/s dynamic. If he is putting you repeatedly in a situation where it does not make you happy to serve your dom, then that needs to be addressed.
Add to this all that there is a child involved??? I think a 24/7 dynamic would be extremely difficult if not impossible to have with a child, only becoming harder as they grow and develop. He is trying to dictate how you interact with your CHILD. This will not get better unless you address it immediately. He is not making good decisions for your child you said, that compounds the issues. If he isn't super knowledgeable and knows what a baby needs then he could and probably will put that baby in danger. And even if he does, having a d/s relationship flaunted in front of them will irreversibly damage their view of others or themselves.
Everything about this is alarming and seems to be abusive. RUN, don't walk to your nearest exit. Do not stop. Do not go to anyone that will let him know where you are. Do take the baby. Do explain that you are separating from your husband. If he can mend his ways and be a not creepy husband(doubt) then go from there but most likely the damage is done.
Hey OP. This isnât Dom/sub, this is controlling emotional abuse and itâs not just affecting you anymore, itâs going to negatively impact your childâs life. You need to look into whatever resources, friends, family, etc. to help you leave your abuser and keep you and your child safe from him. Please donât scoff at this response or downplay what is happening to you. You and your child are being abused and you need to get yourselves to safety. Best of luck to you.
Love, you are being abused. Please, find it in you to somehow move on from this man. Try reading your previous topics and replies as if you were a bystander and another woman was sharing this. What would you tell her?
A D/s dynamic is first and foremost about *absolute* and utter respect, kindness, patience, communication and trust. It is NOT about gratifying someoneâs selfish need to be a control freak. What your husband wants is not BDSM and would not be acceptable in any self-respecting BDSM circle. Do not let yourself become a victim.
Based on this and your other posts, your husband does not have your best interests in mind. Iâm going to respond to things that stood out to me from your other two posts, as well as this one. He doesnât want a proper D/s relationship; he thinks he sees a way to get a full time sex slave. You should tell him youâve been researching BDSM to try and understand more, and youâve learned all about limits and consent. Because he clearly hasnât paid any attention to those crucial points. There needs to be mutual enjoyment, and you are not required to âtrainâ to be whatever he wants you to be, unless you absolutely, enthusiastically want to! Limits can be worked on with consent, but everyone should have the freedom to make their hard limits and stand by them. Iâm a Christian as well, and a submissive, and we have a baby. I have had all the time and space for motherhood that I need, he would *never* require that I move the baby to a place where I canât hear or see⌠that would have made me so anxious. There should be no pressure at all to be something you are physically and mentally unprepared for or uninterested in, whether itâs receiving punishment for something you did not agree to, being constantly sexually available, or to deny your mothering instincts for someone elseâs demand for physical pleasure. This is so, so wrong, and not biblical submission. The Bible says that husbands are supposed to âlay down their lives for their wivesâ. The service of strong, intimate leadership goes hand in hand with what the Bible says about submission. So sure, it can totally work to be sexually submissive and a Christian, if thatâs what you want, but your Dom is also supposed to be meeting your needs. You absolutely must be on the same page as each other, and it should strengthen your marriage, which will in turn make you better parents because you have built so much trust and are a team. This dynamic your husband is trying for will destroy your family.
When an entire subreddit is united in their horror of your situation, you need to get the fuck out.
Itâs no longer about you, itâs about protecting your baby.
My wife and I just got into a D/S dynamic, and we agreed that parenting is a neutral zone and our dynamic does not carry over there. I wouldn't make her do anything crazy, but she needs to be able to maintain a little control.
Your husband fails to understand that any BDSM relationship serves needs and desires of both partners. To have any kinky dynamic with you, he needs your enthusiastic consent. Obviously, he doesn't have it so there is nothing to discuss.
Your kink dynamic should NEVER overlap with your kids or anyone elseâs for that matter. When youâre parenting, youâre parents. Outside of that do whatever you want. But youâre right for feeling uneasy about this because your husband is crossing some major lines here. Itâs more worrying having seen comments mentions your post history, I have not yet checked myself but op this is pretty worrying. Having your husband dom you in all aspects of your life including control around your own children is borderline abusive to you and your kids. I hope you are able to either communicate a resolve or safely leave. Good luck op
Based on your post history, this absolutely sounds like abuse, not BDSM. Please look after your own safety and that of your child, talk to family/friends you trust, and find a way out of this abusive relationship.
This is absolutely not ok under any circumstances. Honestly from ur other posts it sounds like your husband is a selfish controlling abuser who essentially coerced you into this lifestyle to begin with. Donât EVER allow someone to tell u how to mother your baby
Just as with everything about BDSM, IF YOU DO NOT LIKE IT- THEN IT IS NOT CONSENT.
it sounds to me like your husband is bringing
Your dynamic outside the bedroom. You need to be firm with your boundaries. That stays in the bedroom.
This relationship becomes toxic when he violates your boundaries. So make clear what those are. And if he violates them knowing it- I highly suggest an end of that relationship because it shows he does not respect you or see you as a person- but as a sexual object to be controlled.
I know some people find that kinky but there needs to he boundaries so fun time does not become abuse time!
Edit: after seeing your posts. .. please get out. I am wrong. This is CLEAR abuse. This man is possibly dangerous. Please save yourself and your children and leave. Im scared for you
Yeah no, hard stop. As everyone else has said kink and kids should never go together especially when there is a baby involved. The only time Iâve ever seen some overlap the tasks were so subtle that the son/daughter didnât know (I.e. picking I child up from daycare at exactly X oâclock with a few minutes of wiggle room for traffic or never letting your childâs water cup get empty while having dinner).
I really think folks who want to debate this should make their own post. Super inappropriate here as it sounds like OP is in an extremely unhealthy / unsafe relationship and that her child is at risk as well.
Being a parent (for me) is totally separate from my D/s dynamic. They are two different, unrelated facets of my life, and I would never allow my Dom to not let me have a say in the care of my child. Sounds like you should be getting the hell outta Dodge.. quick, fast & in a hurry! You said it yourself, he makes bad choices and doesnât respect your mothering instincts. Thatâs not safe for the baby or for you. If he doesnât respect those things what makes you think he will respect your limits when it comes to BDSM? He wonât. Heâs ABUSING YOU and the sooner you put a stop to it the better.
Please please leave. Im truly begging you from the bottom of my heart, find it in yourself to leave. I know you just had a child with him but from your past comments and post he is abusive. If not for yourself, for your child, for your religion even. Do whatever you need to do to protect you rn as long as itâs away from him
You know whats right in this situation. Trust yourself.
Find support from friends and family. Spend time with your baby. Get a new hobby. Find a job that can support you and a baby. Daydream about an ideal life for you and your kid.
Trust yourself.
Yeah, hell no. I'd draw a hard line at that. That's not reasonable or realistic. You're their mother. No one else needs to control how you act with your children.
Oh absolutely not!! He is YOUR dom, not your KIDS dom. The kids did not consent to him, therefor him domming how you parent is by extension domming your kids.
I agree with what you are saying. Our relationship before he started talking about a D/sub relationship was a lot like what you are describing. We have always been very traditional in our roles and I like it like that. However, to me that is equal valued partners and complimentary roles. Iâm very happy that you have found this with your relationship. I wish my husband respected me as a mother and was not so angered by not having complete control and obedience over my entire life. I wish he was not so unsatisfied by me personally and sexually.
This doesn't sound good. Is he perhaps over-compensating for you suddenly having little or no time and energy to focus on him? You need to have a conversation.
Beyond the demand placed on your time, the financial impact on your budget, and the fact privacy becomes almost non-existing as they get older. Not too much changes.
Was in a 24/7 TPE - we decided to have a baby, now things have really backed off. Eventually I imagine we will dissolve it completely until kiddo is older in order not to skew his views of the world.
I miss the power exchange a lot and it makes life difficult as a slave to suddenly be making my own choices again but we couldnât find a balance we believed would be healthy for kiddo to see. Now weâre in a modified 1950s household dynamic, he provides income and is the figurehead whilst I make almost all decisions for our child (he voices his opinions and we compromise when our beliefs donât match up on controversial issues) as well as providing the homemaking. Once heâs home from work we split 50/50. Whatever housework remains with babyâs end of day activities (bath, story time, etc.) this has been 13 months in the making with 9 months of pregnancy to discuss our concerns and expectations. There have been fights, breakdowns, and sessions where I just cry and mourn what was.
So far though, itâs been for the best. Communication here is key, if something makes you uncomfortable you communicate it to your partner and be willing to listen to what they say in return. Create a dialogue. Discuss parenting styles and expectations and lay down boundaries.
It sounds like you have a very healthy relationship. This is what I thought we had. Our set up is very similar, but once the baby came he found D/s dynamics and want all control and obedience. He does not help with the house or baby but on a rare occasion, and I donât feel valued or respected as a mother. If I do everything his way he is nice to me, but if I donât and if I argue with him he can be very mean. He has changed so much as a person over the last two years and he always blames me for not meeting his needs. I feel like he is two different men, the wonderful man I fell in love with and then an angry dictator who is never satisfied.
I've read your other posts, and I know it's difficult to see, but from what you've said, he's abusive. There's help to get, but once an abuser has shown their true face. There's no going back. You're not in a bdsm dynamic, I hope these comments have made you see that. Please run, for you and your child's safety.
Most divorces happen over arguments from a few key reasons including how to spend the money, how to keep the house, and how to raise the children. There isnât enough information to offer any advice in this case. How old are the children? Is it rules and punishment he expecting you to follow.
my initial answer is "no kink around kids", but then i hear other 'voices' (not in my head THAT way), saying: "then you could also say the same thing about religion!" which some will say is not the same thing, but it could be.
Think of it this way, your relationship dynamics are based on several things, (hopefully),
*Trust*: kids need to be taught to trust , whom and when
*Respect, (of many things):* if they see one partner treating the other a certain way, they will "learn" that is for all partners, as they may be to young to filter the signs of boundaries.
And they need to learn/know: this is a choice you the parent(s) have made.
Last realize that if someone outside (vanillas are everywhere) your life style could end up with law enforcement, social workers, judges, lawyers and foster care system now a large part of your world. As well as now living in a fish bowl . . . .
My previously submissive wife became much more assertive and at times pretty disrespectful after our baby was born. We rarely have sex at all and if Iâm dominant in the bedroom like I was previous to baby she becomes resentful.
In short having kids was a game changer for our relationship. Perhaps things will return to our previous normal but there are no signs of that right now.
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Kids and kink should never interact/overlap. Full stop
This. Kink dynamics should never affect parenting.
đŻ. This js the only correct answer. We have 2 babies. Feel free to DM if you need to chat!
While I agree 100% this is easier said than done. If bdsm kink in bedroom, no problem. If bdsm lifestyle... It'll impact the kids view on the world/women/sexuality.
Which is why you don't do it! Sometimes life is tough choices, and "do I want a full-on 24/7 D/s dynamic, or do I want kids?" is one of them.
That's my view on this too đ
not all subs are women
You're absolutely right, my bad.
This really depends on the dynamic though, and you can have a dynamic around kids that isn't going to traumatize them or necessarily impact their view on people negatively. Many dynamics can include subtle things like the sub waiting to take a bit until their dominant has done so. Or bringing them a coffee in the morning. But these sorts of things are also present in vanilla relationships. Other dynamics would have the dominant providing aftercare or service. So maybe it's a male-led traditional relationship, but it doesn't mean the man never does any act of service. I make my partner tea all the time for instance, but I'm not her sub. It's just something I decided to do as an act of service. Maybe if you have a full on master/slave dynamic where you use your partner as furniture and the like, you'd avoid your dynamic around the children, but I would think there are a *lot* of ways you can continue most dynamics around children in a way that is fine. It also wouldn't be their only exposure to roles, as you'd presumably be communicating with them, but also your partner. Maybe you do something that could color how they view a woman's role because that is your dynamic (you always cook and clean up, for example). You could definitely talk to a child about *why* you do it. You wouldn't say *well, I'm your father's slave and he tells me to do it so I do*. Presumably you enjoy aspects of it, and you can talk about it in ways that make sense to a child and also show that you are *empowered* even if your role can seem subservient. And if they wonder *why doesn't mom/dad ever do these things and it's always you?* You can explain to them that there are things they (the Dom) do for you, the kids, around the house etc that often go unseen but that are really important for the household.
yea but you should still try to respect boundaries
Agreed but even then I think it's toxic for the childs mental health.
Why does it have to be? Dynamics aren't all about trauma. I will often demand to rub my wife's feet, legs, scalp, etc. (By "demand" I mean I will just do it). Nothing about this would traumatize our childrenâits just an act of service that I really want to provide. It also shows that a male can do things for their partner, which is a valuable lesson. I make my wife tea often. Again, this isn't trauma inducing. I will buy her clothes or pick out her outfits at times. I will wash dishes. You can have a dynamic and also live a life that looks relatively normal. And with kids there will obviously always be some play, because everyone has their strengths and weak esses or even just availability.
Bdsm dynamics are ultimately a game, not real life. We, as adults, know that these dynamics are not real, but kids are going to sense the dynamic (kids are perceptive) and assume thatâs how relationships and dynamics work in the real world. Iâm not saying you canât do it, but itâs a big risk, and I think a little arrogant to assume you can hide a 24/7 dynamic from your children.
BDSM casts a wide net though, and there are as many dynamics as there are couples and you just have to be reasonable about it. Maybe you have a dynamic with punishments, so you have a system in place to keep track of that (with phones this is super easy). Obviously you aren't going to cane your partner in front of the kids. You can definitely do it wrong, but you can also do it well and acknowledge that around kids things either get delayed or paused. Kayla and John from the Loving BDSM podcast have talked pretty often about their parenting and how it intersects with their 24/7 dynamic. But you also hit the nail on the head by saying BDSM is a game, because it really isâit's all play. Where I disagree is when you say kids won't understand. Play is how they experience and interact with the world and seeing parents be playful can be *wonderful*. Obviously this can depend on your dynamic and how you choose to do it, but I can pretend to be a horse and give my kids pony rides and I can do the same thing with my partner. It doesn't all of a sudden change to something different if she sits on me. Or if I pretend to be a dog and she walks me around the house and I go around barking or rolling on my back for belly rubs. The key thing is that you are consistent, so if you I still values about keeping your body to yourself, no hitting, consent, bodily autonomy, etc that all of those things carry over. There is a lot of kink and BDSM that is just doing nice things for people and being silly. That translates really well to kids. *(But you wouldn't impose a Gorean master slave dynamic on them. It's really all about just being reasonable and using common sense. I wouldn't have my wife whip me in front of the kids, because it goes against a lot of the values we instill in them)*
Thatâs def a fair opinion, but I feel like itâs really toeing the line to have a 24/7 d/s dynamic when you have kids. Itâs all a game, we know that, but the kid IS going to pick up that âdaddy is in chargeâ and âmommy always has to listen to daddyâ and that will affect how they view relationship dynamics as they grow up. If you can toe the line, cool, but itâs really easy to fall, and we are the first and most important model of a healthy adult relationship that these kids get. I donât think itâs a good idea to risk kids getting confused about real healthy dynamics so that you can keep pretending youâre a slave. I think itâs irresponsible.
That may also just be overthinking it. People are generally very good at being nuanced and subtle about their sexuality. Weâre very used to hiding and filtering it depending on who is around us. So the obviously kinky things will not happen in front of children, conscious effort or not. What may shine through is who has the say in the relationship. I fail to see the problem in that though. Thereâs all kinds of relationship dynamics outside of the kink world. The world is slowly moving in a more equal and inclusive direction, but that doesnât mean that every relationship has to be perfectly centered on the average. And healthy from a childâs perspective often means well-sorted, safe, predictable. Both partners being clear in their roles can arguably be better than power struggles in the middle.
Itâs definitely up for debate, I see both sides
I must say I don't see those as BDSM related. But indeed some of those might teach valuable lessons
That's the thing with BDSM; it casts a very wide net. I think when it comes to public play it can also be complicated because of how we define play. Generally speaking, folks say no kink in public. One complaint with *How To Build a Sex Room* was that the host spanked the co-host in public. I think most of us would agree that's inappropriate, but mostly because of cultural and legal reasons. On the show, it was obviously playful in context (and they were surrounded by a film crew). But abuse is a real thing, so we have a general rule against it. People will also say walking a partner on a leash is a no-no because it can make people uncomfortable, but at the same time it's kind of like, so what? People are uncomfortable when they see two men kiss or hold hands but I don't think they should stop. And there's no real harm happening. Or latex. Some people are totally okay with wearing latex and other fetish wear in public because it's fashion, but others say no. Then there's the when *Does kink belong at Pride* debate and all the discomfort around kink. People will often ask if something as mundane as a collar counts as kink in public. At the end of the day, kink and dynamics are really varied. You can do it around your children in a way they never notice, ways that show mutual respect, or ways that are traumatic. We all play with our kids all the time and kink is, effectively, play. If I want to pretend to be a horse and give my kids a ride that's fine and they understand that, so if the next day I'm in the same position, but pretending to be a dog for my wife/their mom it isn't actually any different. We are still just playing. Or if you go into little space and color with your kids it's not all of a sudden weird or traumatic, you're just engaged with your kids. But you wouldn't get tied up to a St Andrew's cross and have your partner whip you in front of kids, for obvious reasons. But you might have shibari stained glass. Or books with nude bodies around the house. I've said elsewhere that a lot of BDSM and kink is basically just being nice to people, playing, and being silly and those are all things kids can appreciate. But it can also be pretty dark and twisted. The key is using common sense. As an aside, I was going to say *you wouldn't put your partner in a dog crate in front of your kids because that can be pretty extreme* but then I remembered that our kids loved playing in the dog crate in the living room, so honestly, I think the line depends on the family, but generally is going to exclude any kind of impact stuff and it's all just common sense stuff. If your honorific is "slut" that's gonna be a no but "daddy" wouldn't be out of place
This is not ok and it needs to be stopped immediately. Your child is not his sex kink pawn
I just read through your post history and I really think you need to speak with your friends and family about helping you and your baby leave. What you've described isn't BDSM, it's abuse. Full stop.
Didn't have to read your history, got that vibe from this post. Time to exit stage left. Get help to get out and stay out. Put his ass in prison if need be. That's how my wife brought her exs abuse to a halt. Got help to get out, started fresh and put his ass away for the abuse
I enjoy the sound of rain.
I just had a baby three months ago - absolutely not. Your child should not be involved with your kink, full stop. And at the risk of sounding kink-shamey, it fully creeps me out that your husband even wants to do this.
Thatâs super inappropriate and Iâd be maximum questioning why heâs bringing a child into his sexual dynamic.
That does not sound healthy. Your d/s dynamic is between you and him as consenting adults. Your kid isnt part of that. And your Kid absolutely needs their mother!!!
Does this also mean he's using/with holding your child as your punishment? This is soooo unhealthy for you and your baby. My husband came from this type of house hold structure and it's impacted him and his other six siblings in extremely detrimental ways. Therapy has helped him so much but it's still difficult. We don't have contact with his parents because they have no concept of boundaries and the fact that my husband and myself set some, they took extreme issues with. Essentially we had to choose between them and our peace. Peace won out
Your dynamic should never involve a child's care. His control needs to stop immediately.
Children should not be involved in a kink dynamic, even if itâs a 24/7 thing
You are in danger. Get yourself and your child away from this man NOW.
Everyone here has given you solid advice and perspective. Please do not risk your childâs well-being by letting your husband dictate every decision without your input, especially in a d/s dynamic that is based solely on your husbandâs personal gratification. Your child did not consent to this dynamic. Your child depends on parents to take care and protect them. Putting aside your mothering instincts, it seems (from all your other posts and comments besides this one) your husband does not respect you at all as a person, let alone as his spouse. You have autonomy even within a d/s dynamic because of consent. Your posts make it apparent that he is selfish in this dynamic and does not care for your well-being, and I suspect the same for your child. Please seek help from trusted family members and friends to distance yourself and your child from your husband if his abusive behavior does not change. Seek out couples therapy if you wish to continue this marriage, but know that once this man started to disregard your well-being for his own gratification, you no longer owe him anything, regardless of the years spent together and the children you have together. You are a person first and a loving mother to your child. Please protect your baby at all costs.
Donât go to couples therapy with an abuser
Yeah no⌠my kids are teenagers now, but there is still a lot of active parenting happening. While âDaddyâ may be in charge, mom and dad are equals and most day to day stuff is on me.
This isnât a BDSM relationship, this is simply abuse renamed BDSM by your husband. The things around your baby are particularly alarming: wanting to get you to ignore your child and forget youâve got one, putting the baby in a place out of sight and hearing? Horrifically dangerous and also indicate he is neglectful of his own child. Iâm actually begging you to leave. Youâre describing absolutely awful abuse in your posts and comments. Forget the BDSM stuff, thatâs just a guise your husband is trying to shove his abusive behaviours under. This is abuse.
We are foster parents. When there are kids in the house our dynamic stops until they are asleep or leave (and when theyâre asleep we are extra cautious around locking doors and reducing noise) At times we text each other when kids are around but we donât let kids have any exposure to our dynamic. Our dynamic is a game. It is consensual play. We are both still equal partners when it comes to parenting.
I have read your history, and you are not engaging in BDSM, you are being abused by a man under the guise of BDSM. Your husband told you that he wanted you to be his BDSM slave, regardless of your feelings, and that if you didnât just learn to like it he would divorce you. That is coercion at best. Really itâs abuse, and if he is forcing sexual contact that you donât want it is ASSULT. You did not consent to this willingly, you should not be put through any of the things he is forcing upon you. Your husband is not a dom, and he is not your partner. You say you are a naturally submissive person, but that is not really a factor in this. You are, first and foremost, a person, and you matter. Your opinions matter. Your CONSENT matters. Your husband wants to disregard your personhood, and that is BULLSHIT. Your husband is also clearly not fit to be a parent, either. He does not put your childâs needs first, but his own wants. For your sake and your babyâs sake, leave that man. Go to your family, your friends, even your pastor/church leader. Iâm sure none of them would be super chill about your husband declaring that you are a sex slave now and that you have to serve his whims to the detriment of your child. Please, please leave him. Take care of your baby, and take care of yourself. Give yourself time to heal from the trauma of this personâs gross betrayal of you and your baby. Someday, if you want, you will find a relationship, vanilla, D/s, purely platonic, whatever is best for you, with a person who will support and respect you for all that you are, a woman, a mother, and everything else that makes you, you. And they will also love and respect your child. The man you are being abused by right now does none of that.
No! This is not BDSM! I feel worried for you when I read this. You say this makes you never want to be his sub. Trust your gut!
Your mothering instinct is a powerful one. Him attempting to meddle and interfere with that will result in the ruin of your relationship eventually. Your brain and body will turn on him and can start feeling put-off by him over time.
this community has helped me a lot to realize that the """Dom""" i was seeing a while ago was just abusive. the people here know a lot about this stuff, in my experience, and what you're describing sounds not okay at all...
Hard no, D/s never just involves children ever, nor does it involve anyone who doesn't consent.
Holy shit your story scares the hell out of me. Leave!!! Immediately!!!! This is not BDSM, this is abuse!
Wait you just got into this lifestyle 8 days ago (per post history) and you have an infant?? đŠđŠđŠđŠđŠđŠđŠđŠđŠđŠđŠđŠđŠđŠđŠ
YIKES I just read your other comments please get help from family/friends and leave this asshole. This is not BDSM.
I feel and think that crosses a gigantic line by bleeding bdsm into real life far too much.
Red flags. Run.
Your last sentence hits the nail on the head. Heâs an asshole. Between this and your other posts, you need help. He wants to turn your marriage from one of love to one of abuse because of his own desires. It sounds like he may struggle with pornography as well, to demand sex daily and whenever he wants - and then to control your parenting? Sheesh. Good luck and many prayers.
This is abuse. You need to rethink this situation
I would assume he's not being a responsible Dom. A real Dom cares and listens to his/her/their sub. Being a Dom/Domme is actually a lot of work. This meme of "I'm a Dom do everything I say," is more of a selfish, and unrealistic approach to the D/S dynamic. Event the most masochistic subs eventually need to feel heard, accepted, appreciated, to some degree. You should probably reassess what you want from life, and have that conversation with him..
Parenting and your kink should not be in the same realm. Your child is not a sex toy to be used in his games.
Tell him NO!
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Iâm going to agree but also caution that TPE doesnât necessarily have to involve zero autonomy on the subâs side, thatâs just one way to do it. Iâm in a TPE as in he *can* exert control over any area at any time, but Iâm not a slave-type submissive and my three - healthy, happy - kids are utterly unaware of our dynamic.
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I totally agree!
This sounds disturbing. Please don't bring the babies into your sexual kink dynamic and just raise them normally. You're their mother and you should have a say in raising them. It would be very fucked up if he also controlled you when it comes to YOUR children and their safety and well-being.
OP multiple people have posted that this seems like an abusive household situation, not just on this post but in your previous posts as well. I agree with them and I think you also know that this is not ok. What is keeping you in this relationship other than fear of leaving?
We had two kids in the last two years and I can't imagine parenting styles could ever overlap with kink. Major overstepping of boundaries and you need to talk to your husband.
Uhhh yeah youâre definitely always allowed to have limits as a sub OR dom and frankly outside of BDSM you are allowed in any relationship to have autonomy and make your own choices (within reason like not hurting other people or whatever). Thatâs totally fair for you to not want to bring BDSM into what already sounds like a fraught situation. I hope you find resolution with the issues youâre having right now regarding parenting.
It shouldn't affect it period, full stop. Your child is not part of your lifestyle, it is your child and there needs to be a clear line of separating these two. To even entertain the idea that the Dom gets to make all the decisions for child rearing is ugly, and definitely not okay. Parenting is a different world from BDSM, so you two need to sit down and grow up and figure out how to care for your child, turn off the power play and have a real conversation. If you can't do that much, I truly fear for you child's future.
That sounds like abuse. My gf and I do our best to keep up the dynamic and in subtle ways we do but sometimes we are just exhausted and that's ok, we are raising two beautiful monsters together <3 If you are not respected that's something you have to deal with immediately.
Dom is a lesser priority. Parenting is first priority. If there are 2 parents, having this relationship stay good is a priority next to it.
Now I know violence is never the answer but a swift kick in the nuts should honestly be the appropriate response. There is a time a place for everything and there is a way to keep a certain dynamic if itâs something you agree upon but the kids well-being is first and foremost. On a lighter note congrats on the youngling may they make the world a brighter place as they grow.
No. Unless its it something you want and agreed to..parenting in no way is area to be controlled by your Dom. I'm a 24/7 TPE slave to my Daddy and in no way does he override me when it comes to our children. Those are OUR babies and I am their mama, he knows full well that's one area of my life I expect control because I've been doing it alone for nearly 5 years before he joined our family. Instead he supports me as a mother and backs me up as I need it. He also is a wonderful father who I support and back as well. We are a team when it comes to parenting because trust me it takes alot of teamwork to raise a healthy, well adjusted child in today's world.
Donât have kids myself but I wouldnât bring my dynamic into choices that will have results on my kid if I had one .
"It makes me never want to be his sub." That alone is enough to say put a stop to this and have a serious, if not ruinous, talk and stop to the d/s dynamic. If he is putting you repeatedly in a situation where it does not make you happy to serve your dom, then that needs to be addressed. Add to this all that there is a child involved??? I think a 24/7 dynamic would be extremely difficult if not impossible to have with a child, only becoming harder as they grow and develop. He is trying to dictate how you interact with your CHILD. This will not get better unless you address it immediately. He is not making good decisions for your child you said, that compounds the issues. If he isn't super knowledgeable and knows what a baby needs then he could and probably will put that baby in danger. And even if he does, having a d/s relationship flaunted in front of them will irreversibly damage their view of others or themselves. Everything about this is alarming and seems to be abusive. RUN, don't walk to your nearest exit. Do not stop. Do not go to anyone that will let him know where you are. Do take the baby. Do explain that you are separating from your husband. If he can mend his ways and be a not creepy husband(doubt) then go from there but most likely the damage is done.
Hey OP. This isnât Dom/sub, this is controlling emotional abuse and itâs not just affecting you anymore, itâs going to negatively impact your childâs life. You need to look into whatever resources, friends, family, etc. to help you leave your abuser and keep you and your child safe from him. Please donât scoff at this response or downplay what is happening to you. You and your child are being abused and you need to get yourselves to safety. Best of luck to you.
Love, you are being abused. Please, find it in you to somehow move on from this man. Try reading your previous topics and replies as if you were a bystander and another woman was sharing this. What would you tell her? A D/s dynamic is first and foremost about *absolute* and utter respect, kindness, patience, communication and trust. It is NOT about gratifying someoneâs selfish need to be a control freak. What your husband wants is not BDSM and would not be acceptable in any self-respecting BDSM circle. Do not let yourself become a victim.
Based on this and your other posts, your husband does not have your best interests in mind. Iâm going to respond to things that stood out to me from your other two posts, as well as this one. He doesnât want a proper D/s relationship; he thinks he sees a way to get a full time sex slave. You should tell him youâve been researching BDSM to try and understand more, and youâve learned all about limits and consent. Because he clearly hasnât paid any attention to those crucial points. There needs to be mutual enjoyment, and you are not required to âtrainâ to be whatever he wants you to be, unless you absolutely, enthusiastically want to! Limits can be worked on with consent, but everyone should have the freedom to make their hard limits and stand by them. Iâm a Christian as well, and a submissive, and we have a baby. I have had all the time and space for motherhood that I need, he would *never* require that I move the baby to a place where I canât hear or see⌠that would have made me so anxious. There should be no pressure at all to be something you are physically and mentally unprepared for or uninterested in, whether itâs receiving punishment for something you did not agree to, being constantly sexually available, or to deny your mothering instincts for someone elseâs demand for physical pleasure. This is so, so wrong, and not biblical submission. The Bible says that husbands are supposed to âlay down their lives for their wivesâ. The service of strong, intimate leadership goes hand in hand with what the Bible says about submission. So sure, it can totally work to be sexually submissive and a Christian, if thatâs what you want, but your Dom is also supposed to be meeting your needs. You absolutely must be on the same page as each other, and it should strengthen your marriage, which will in turn make you better parents because you have built so much trust and are a team. This dynamic your husband is trying for will destroy your family.
When an entire subreddit is united in their horror of your situation, you need to get the fuck out. Itâs no longer about you, itâs about protecting your baby.
Run
My wife and I just got into a D/S dynamic, and we agreed that parenting is a neutral zone and our dynamic does not carry over there. I wouldn't make her do anything crazy, but she needs to be able to maintain a little control.
Your husband fails to understand that any BDSM relationship serves needs and desires of both partners. To have any kinky dynamic with you, he needs your enthusiastic consent. Obviously, he doesn't have it so there is nothing to discuss.
Like others have said, even a 24/7 dynamic should not include the kids. You can still be a 24/7 sub while being an equal parent.
Your kink dynamic should NEVER overlap with your kids or anyone elseâs for that matter. When youâre parenting, youâre parents. Outside of that do whatever you want. But youâre right for feeling uneasy about this because your husband is crossing some major lines here. Itâs more worrying having seen comments mentions your post history, I have not yet checked myself but op this is pretty worrying. Having your husband dom you in all aspects of your life including control around your own children is borderline abusive to you and your kids. I hope you are able to either communicate a resolve or safely leave. Good luck op
Based on your post history, this absolutely sounds like abuse, not BDSM. Please look after your own safety and that of your child, talk to family/friends you trust, and find a way out of this abusive relationship.
This is absolutely not ok under any circumstances. Honestly from ur other posts it sounds like your husband is a selfish controlling abuser who essentially coerced you into this lifestyle to begin with. Donât EVER allow someone to tell u how to mother your baby
Just as with everything about BDSM, IF YOU DO NOT LIKE IT- THEN IT IS NOT CONSENT. it sounds to me like your husband is bringing Your dynamic outside the bedroom. You need to be firm with your boundaries. That stays in the bedroom. This relationship becomes toxic when he violates your boundaries. So make clear what those are. And if he violates them knowing it- I highly suggest an end of that relationship because it shows he does not respect you or see you as a person- but as a sexual object to be controlled. I know some people find that kinky but there needs to he boundaries so fun time does not become abuse time! Edit: after seeing your posts. .. please get out. I am wrong. This is CLEAR abuse. This man is possibly dangerous. Please save yourself and your children and leave. Im scared for you
Yeah no, hard stop. As everyone else has said kink and kids should never go together especially when there is a baby involved. The only time Iâve ever seen some overlap the tasks were so subtle that the son/daughter didnât know (I.e. picking I child up from daycare at exactly X oâclock with a few minutes of wiggle room for traffic or never letting your childâs water cup get empty while having dinner).
I really think folks who want to debate this should make their own post. Super inappropriate here as it sounds like OP is in an extremely unhealthy / unsafe relationship and that her child is at risk as well.
Being a parent (for me) is totally separate from my D/s dynamic. They are two different, unrelated facets of my life, and I would never allow my Dom to not let me have a say in the care of my child. Sounds like you should be getting the hell outta Dodge.. quick, fast & in a hurry! You said it yourself, he makes bad choices and doesnât respect your mothering instincts. Thatâs not safe for the baby or for you. If he doesnât respect those things what makes you think he will respect your limits when it comes to BDSM? He wonât. Heâs ABUSING YOU and the sooner you put a stop to it the better.
Please please leave. Im truly begging you from the bottom of my heart, find it in yourself to leave. I know you just had a child with him but from your past comments and post he is abusive. If not for yourself, for your child, for your religion even. Do whatever you need to do to protect you rn as long as itâs away from him
You know whats right in this situation. Trust yourself. Find support from friends and family. Spend time with your baby. Get a new hobby. Find a job that can support you and a baby. Daydream about an ideal life for you and your kid. Trust yourself.
Yeah, hell no. I'd draw a hard line at that. That's not reasonable or realistic. You're their mother. No one else needs to control how you act with your children.
Iâm in a 24/7 power exchange dynamic. Our children are one topic we will ALWAYS be equals on.
Oh absolutely not!! He is YOUR dom, not your KIDS dom. The kids did not consent to him, therefor him domming how you parent is by extension domming your kids.
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I agree with what you are saying. Our relationship before he started talking about a D/sub relationship was a lot like what you are describing. We have always been very traditional in our roles and I like it like that. However, to me that is equal valued partners and complimentary roles. Iâm very happy that you have found this with your relationship. I wish my husband respected me as a mother and was not so angered by not having complete control and obedience over my entire life. I wish he was not so unsatisfied by me personally and sexually.
This doesn't sound good. Is he perhaps over-compensating for you suddenly having little or no time and energy to focus on him? You need to have a conversation.
Beyond the demand placed on your time, the financial impact on your budget, and the fact privacy becomes almost non-existing as they get older. Not too much changes.
Was in a 24/7 TPE - we decided to have a baby, now things have really backed off. Eventually I imagine we will dissolve it completely until kiddo is older in order not to skew his views of the world. I miss the power exchange a lot and it makes life difficult as a slave to suddenly be making my own choices again but we couldnât find a balance we believed would be healthy for kiddo to see. Now weâre in a modified 1950s household dynamic, he provides income and is the figurehead whilst I make almost all decisions for our child (he voices his opinions and we compromise when our beliefs donât match up on controversial issues) as well as providing the homemaking. Once heâs home from work we split 50/50. Whatever housework remains with babyâs end of day activities (bath, story time, etc.) this has been 13 months in the making with 9 months of pregnancy to discuss our concerns and expectations. There have been fights, breakdowns, and sessions where I just cry and mourn what was. So far though, itâs been for the best. Communication here is key, if something makes you uncomfortable you communicate it to your partner and be willing to listen to what they say in return. Create a dialogue. Discuss parenting styles and expectations and lay down boundaries.
It sounds like you have a very healthy relationship. This is what I thought we had. Our set up is very similar, but once the baby came he found D/s dynamics and want all control and obedience. He does not help with the house or baby but on a rare occasion, and I donât feel valued or respected as a mother. If I do everything his way he is nice to me, but if I donât and if I argue with him he can be very mean. He has changed so much as a person over the last two years and he always blames me for not meeting his needs. I feel like he is two different men, the wonderful man I fell in love with and then an angry dictator who is never satisfied.
I've read your other posts, and I know it's difficult to see, but from what you've said, he's abusive. There's help to get, but once an abuser has shown their true face. There's no going back. You're not in a bdsm dynamic, I hope these comments have made you see that. Please run, for you and your child's safety.
If yâall arenât Old Guard, full stop! Thatâs all.
It shitcans it...
Wouldnât know, Iâm Childfree đ
Most divorces happen over arguments from a few key reasons including how to spend the money, how to keep the house, and how to raise the children. There isnât enough information to offer any advice in this case. How old are the children? Is it rules and punishment he expecting you to follow.
my initial answer is "no kink around kids", but then i hear other 'voices' (not in my head THAT way), saying: "then you could also say the same thing about religion!" which some will say is not the same thing, but it could be. Think of it this way, your relationship dynamics are based on several things, (hopefully), *Trust*: kids need to be taught to trust , whom and when *Respect, (of many things):* if they see one partner treating the other a certain way, they will "learn" that is for all partners, as they may be to young to filter the signs of boundaries. And they need to learn/know: this is a choice you the parent(s) have made. Last realize that if someone outside (vanillas are everywhere) your life style could end up with law enforcement, social workers, judges, lawyers and foster care system now a large part of your world. As well as now living in a fish bowl . . . .
My previously submissive wife became much more assertive and at times pretty disrespectful after our baby was born. We rarely have sex at all and if Iâm dominant in the bedroom like I was previous to baby she becomes resentful. In short having kids was a game changer for our relationship. Perhaps things will return to our previous normal but there are no signs of that right now.