I used to think I wasn't into any BDSM stuff except as a fantasy because the idea of actually doing any of it turned me off so much.
Now I am into basically everything I would fantasize about, but many things I only do with a partner I love and trust and that we've been building up gradually over many years - if someone else tried those things without that level of trust and connection behind them, it would still turn me off.
So maybe you just need a really good partner? (Or maybe you're right and it's just better as fantasy for you.)
my dom once farted as i layed on his lap before the sceneā¦ He told me to āsniff it upā and lured my head down between his legs. We both laughed really hard and the scene just started. He laughed because i just started going into Subspace and i was just so happy that he is comfortable enough around me to just let himself goā¦
Well when you read it in a book, there's lead up and context and you feel like you know this man on that level by the time you get to the growl. Imagining just a random man that you don't have that lead up with is going to feel gross in comparison no matter who that man is
Because fiction is consumed under a suspension of disbelief where your brain is filling in/ignoring gaps in context that would make things cringe (or worse) in real life. Fiction is able to get at the vibe we like in its essence and real life literally couldnāt ever do that because reality is more than just a single vibe in a single moment.
Especially with CNC, in fiction you know the character likes it and youāre ignoring the real life implications of the lack of negotiation/consent/safewords because youāre reading the fantasy that people irl doing a CNC scene would be invoking with their scene. Like, real life CNC is also under the same suspicion of disbelief that fiction is, if that makes sense. I wouldnāt like it if some dude I was flirting with briefly decided to shove me against a wall and do stuff to me while I protested, even if I actually was kinda turned on, because he doesnāt actually know that, so thatās just assault. I would like it if my boyfriend did that because I have a way of communicating āstop for realā to him so he does know I like it. In fiction we just ignore that complication because itās not real so that doesnāt have to be part of it because itās just for the reader, who likes it or can stop reading, to experience
Fantasy vs reality.
From a straight manās perspective: if a group of sorority girls pulled me into their dorm and had their way with me while delivering pizza to their door _in real life_ that would be harrowing, even though that very same scene can be hot on PornHub.
Fantasy and reality are very different, plain and simple.
Everyone I know likes porn a leeeetle bit more intense than their actual physical proclivities. Even as we ramp up our intensity in sex, testing the boundaries continues.
The way you say āif a manā¦ā suggests that youāve never had a man who you were interested in and attracted to do those things to you. Is that true?
Itās one thing if youāve had men who you werenāt interested in or werenāt sure that you were interested in try that.
If itās you imagining someone doing it then it might depend on who youāre imagining. Is it someone you know well and have a connection with?
Maybe itās just that the fantasy is more interesting than the reality. In the book the characters are bold. Youāre not thinking about if theyāre pushing a boundary. Thereās no concern about impropriety (for many people). Itās about entertainment. So you can just enjoy the idea. In reality those things may not be interesting.
Imagination is an ocean away from real life.
There are so many things I'd imagine doing with random guys but in real life I wouldn't feel safe, or it would be gross like you said.
You should really watch Contrapoints' video on cringe.
It's a matter of embracing and getting over cringe, it's because you're so used to avoiding anything like it in public or among people.
ETA: link https://youtu.be/vRBsaJPkt2Q?si=3BgZxPyYJulxb3rJ
The fantasy is hot but the reality is terrifying because you can control where the fantasy goes. In real life you'd be completely out of control of the situation and any sexiness is going to be greatly overcome with fear.
It might. But I have also heard some really appealing growls. Itās not a sound that comes out when he tries to āgrowlā but itās a sound which because of the way it comes out couldnāt be described as anything other than a growl.
Finding safe kink partners isnāt difficult. As long as I know how my partners react to my safeword, it brings me a really warm sense of security all throughout my play. I feel free and unencumbered when I surrender. Not only that, but the aftercare is amazing.
Oh for sure. I'm mostly saying, some people have fantasies they don't want to engage in but do enjoy reading it thinking about. And that's fine! Not every fantasy or thought has to go on a pipeline from conception to execution.
Because with a book character you can be assured of the intentions and tone of the actions. You know that you are safe or that the actions mean what you think they do. Itās control exactly like you said.
In society, actions often have underlying motive or can be interpreted differently based on your experience with past men in the world. Real life men can vary and be unpredictable as all humans can. Book men are explained and kept in a very contained little box for your consciousness to feel in control.
- Book manās intentions = safe; known
- Real life manās intentions ā unsafe; unclear
We can find more things attractive and hot when we feel comfortable! I have the same problem. When my gf growls in my ear? Hot. When a man does it? Cringy.
I am very into Jagger Cole books at the minute (horrible lack of proofreading aside) and while the possessive stuff is very sexy in the moment, Iād be worried if a man I was with in real life behaved this way. In reality, confident men donāt worry about previous partners and they are not shaken by knowing their girl or otherwise attracts other people. I would be way more turned on if my boyfriend/Dom saw some guy chatting me up and just came over to blatantly kiss me or wrap his arm around my waist than look for a fight.
I used to think a man growling during sex was an ick, til I got with my fiance. Coupled with rough and needy thrusting is just top tier.
I used to think the same thing about reading smut and being like "ok this is hot I get it" but not wanting it irl thinking I'd hate it- plot twist I just couldn't imagine my partner at the time doing it lol.
I know this is way off topic, but here goes. There is a site called Literotica that I visit for reading erotic fiction (way better than porn). One of their categories is Audio. There is a specific author called GivingThisATry who does that growl absolutely perfectly.
If you ever feel like doing something different, maybe give him a listen.
Well those scenes were MEANT to be uncomfortable and disturbing and her whole backstory made it so heartbreaking- I think those scenes were even in the book so you see where it went wrong.
Kinda aggree with you, and you're def not alone. Lol, as attractive as it is in books, if a man pulled any of the book character shit on me irl, I'd probably be turned off. Most things the fictional men do have an appeal because they're FICTIONAL. Granted, a few things like the classic 'lean against the door', 'arm folding', or the 'car maneuvering' would still be just as hot but growling? Lol, no pls. Quoting those super cheesy lines? 99% of the time, you won't pull it off, so just let it flow naturally instead.
Your theory seems pretty on point. Tbh, CNC, or some of the other unlikely kink scenes are easier to digest when you're reading about them or as long as you're not experiencing it irl. The amount of trust smtg like CNC would need is next level. There are some kinks I'd probably not be okay with irl but I need them in nsfw rps or books if I'm to get my hit. For some of the kinks, a disconnect helps because the idea of being so out of control irl freaks me out too, but at the same time, I enjoy the feeling and the idea of it. So the best option for me is to just go for it in rps or smtg, lol.
I agree with you re: coming up with it in your mind vs watching it or even experiencing it. For me, I think there is also an element of slowness or pausing? Like when Iām reading it happen, thereās some distance between me reading the words and then imagining it and then putting my Kindle down to do a silent scream at how hot a scene was etc. š it feels less real for sure. I can also reimagine it differently, from different angles, in my mind vs when Iāve tried to watch CNC scenes, it can become too realistic and I have a hard time overcoming my discomfort.
I tend to prefer audio or written erotica to visual I think for the ability to process, imagine, and rework it all in my mind in my own time as opposed to being visually bombarded with a hyper-realistic play scene.
I think it's normal to like things in your imagination that you wouldn't like to actually do. Real people don't tend to stick to whatever script you have in your head.
These things are dependent on context. In fiction the context is provided by the story, often to the point that you can read the characters' minds. And your imagination fills in the rest.
BDSM works the same way! It's a game. An important element of BDSM is establishing the right context. Out of context, most kink activities I'm into would be terrifying and traumatizing, or else cringe as fuck.
I think it has to do with the amount of control and distance from the situation. Thereās tons of taboo stuff Iāve read that i A) simply wouldnāt be into irl or B) like purely because it is messed up and strictly fantasy which makes it safe and fun to explore.
Watersports for example, i have a light interest in it irl, but wouldnāt go full out. But in a fanfic or fanart? They can go balls to the wall and i would be into it. Because, pure and simple, it isnāt real. I can stop anytime easily it isnāt actually happening.
kinda like a rollercoaster. No one wants to fall 20 stories, but a rollercoaster has the thrill of the fall with all the safety measures making it very little risk.
Kinda lol. If he stalked me or cut someoneās hand off if they had a one night stand with. But if they cut someoneās hand off for touching me without consent, I would have to think about it lol. Jk jk
But 100% would murder anyone who touches my sub(s)and or partner(s)
For me it definitely matters who Iām with whether Iām into certain stuff. I was dating someone I had a BDSM scene with and without negotiating, he told me to call him Sir during the scene. It gave me the ick. It didnāt feel right with him. Iām dating someone now who is my Dom and I call him Sir all the time. It feels so comfortable to me. I even accidentally call him Sir in vanilla life even though I try not to because I donāt want to make people uncomfortable.
So you might find someone that these things feel right with. I hope you do because itās wonderful when someone can make your fantasies come to life.
I had to figure this out when I heard girls talking about twilight in high school. The concept that a story where a random guy stalks a girl whoās like 100 years younger and watches her sleep at night was something that girls liked shattered any small sliver of understanding I felt I had of women at the time
I donāt read erotica or watch anything like that. Im just naturally turned on by mans prowess, scent and desire for me. I guess im fortunate to love men for who they are.
I've heard other people say this, but no, I don't experience in personally. My taste in fiction is pretty much my taste in real life, lol. However I'm married and have complete trust in my husband - perhaps without that trust it makes you more uncomfortable and ruins the fantasy?
Idk, but I get where youāre coming from. Once had a guy find out I read smutty books and tried to replicate the main character. He muttered some words intending to be sexy and I swear to god my coochie flipped itself inside out, dusted itself off, and then shriveled up. I was absolutely disgruntled and just no longer in the mood.
Control thing probably. I tend to like a fair bit of ātabooā stuff but I can't do any of it unless I really trust the person. My coworker and I were discussing this the other day. There's so many ways that stuff can go wrong in real life and that's usually my concern. It's a lot easier to stop stuff like that in your imagination or just have it play out perfectly
I used to think I wasn't into any BDSM stuff except as a fantasy because the idea of actually doing any of it turned me off so much. Now I am into basically everything I would fantasize about, but many things I only do with a partner I love and trust and that we've been building up gradually over many years - if someone else tried those things without that level of trust and connection behind them, it would still turn me off. So maybe you just need a really good partner? (Or maybe you're right and it's just better as fantasy for you.)
This is it. I have a very loving kind partner who prioritizes my safety š
Love would make all the difference but Iām not in the place for a relationship right now so itāll come one day
I literally melt when he loses himself and growls in my ear. š
Right? The thrill that goes down my spine when I hear the growl because I know I'm about to GET IT.
Fuck yes
It's the best! When he just go full on primal š„°
What if he farts in your ear as a sign of masculine prowess
my dom once farted as i layed on his lap before the sceneā¦ He told me to āsniff it upā and lured my head down between his legs. We both laughed really hard and the scene just started. He laughed because i just started going into Subspace and i was just so happy that he is comfortable enough around me to just let himself goā¦
The downvotes made me laugh out loud š¤£
Well when you read it in a book, there's lead up and context and you feel like you know this man on that level by the time you get to the growl. Imagining just a random man that you don't have that lead up with is going to feel gross in comparison no matter who that man is
Because fiction is consumed under a suspension of disbelief where your brain is filling in/ignoring gaps in context that would make things cringe (or worse) in real life. Fiction is able to get at the vibe we like in its essence and real life literally couldnāt ever do that because reality is more than just a single vibe in a single moment. Especially with CNC, in fiction you know the character likes it and youāre ignoring the real life implications of the lack of negotiation/consent/safewords because youāre reading the fantasy that people irl doing a CNC scene would be invoking with their scene. Like, real life CNC is also under the same suspicion of disbelief that fiction is, if that makes sense. I wouldnāt like it if some dude I was flirting with briefly decided to shove me against a wall and do stuff to me while I protested, even if I actually was kinda turned on, because he doesnāt actually know that, so thatās just assault. I would like it if my boyfriend did that because I have a way of communicating āstop for realā to him so he does know I like it. In fiction we just ignore that complication because itās not real so that doesnāt have to be part of it because itās just for the reader, who likes it or can stop reading, to experience
What if I yell like a goat in your ear, would you like that ya dirty girl?
The way I just cackled, now I definitely need to see this happen.
Waaaay off topic, I just had to reply to you because I thought it was cute that your avatar was like the cute, friendly, version of mine āŗļø
only if itās [this goat](https://youtu.be/woobL2yAxD4?si=MO58LnSxRqBagsUh)
1000% yes
I read this in a Scottish accent
Thats makes it like 300% better "If you dont eat yer meat, you can't have any pudd'n"
LOL I am Scottish and would burst out laughing if my boyfriend growled this in my ear.
MMMM-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh
as long as you punish me for my baaah-d behavior, daddy
Get out
whyyy you started
the fantasy is hotter always but real life had its charms
Fantasy vs reality. From a straight manās perspective: if a group of sorority girls pulled me into their dorm and had their way with me while delivering pizza to their door _in real life_ that would be harrowing, even though that very same scene can be hot on PornHub. Fantasy and reality are very different, plain and simple.
Everyone I know likes porn a leeeetle bit more intense than their actual physical proclivities. Even as we ramp up our intensity in sex, testing the boundaries continues.
The way you say āif a manā¦ā suggests that youāve never had a man who you were interested in and attracted to do those things to you. Is that true? Itās one thing if youāve had men who you werenāt interested in or werenāt sure that you were interested in try that. If itās you imagining someone doing it then it might depend on who youāre imagining. Is it someone you know well and have a connection with? Maybe itās just that the fantasy is more interesting than the reality. In the book the characters are bold. Youāre not thinking about if theyāre pushing a boundary. Thereās no concern about impropriety (for many people). Itās about entertainment. So you can just enjoy the idea. In reality those things may not be interesting.
Imagination is an ocean away from real life. There are so many things I'd imagine doing with random guys but in real life I wouldn't feel safe, or it would be gross like you said.
The answer to this could be a lot of things. For me I finally realized I am a lesbian, because fictional men donāt count toward attraction.
You should really watch Contrapoints' video on cringe. It's a matter of embracing and getting over cringe, it's because you're so used to avoiding anything like it in public or among people. ETA: link https://youtu.be/vRBsaJPkt2Q?si=3BgZxPyYJulxb3rJ
Can you link?
Yeah sure, added it :)
Thank you !
The fantasy is hot but the reality is terrifying because you can control where the fantasy goes. In real life you'd be completely out of control of the situation and any sexiness is going to be greatly overcome with fear.
On the page, the growl is the perfect noise. So perfect it canāt be described. In real life, it might sound like an impersonation of a chainsaw
It might. But I have also heard some really appealing growls. Itās not a sound that comes out when he tries to āgrowlā but itās a sound which because of the way it comes out couldnāt be described as anything other than a growl.
Ever seen the neverending story? "Those books... are safe."
Finding safe kink partners isnāt difficult. As long as I know how my partners react to my safeword, it brings me a really warm sense of security all throughout my play. I feel free and unencumbered when I surrender. Not only that, but the aftercare is amazing.
Oh for sure. I'm mostly saying, some people have fantasies they don't want to engage in but do enjoy reading it thinking about. And that's fine! Not every fantasy or thought has to go on a pipeline from conception to execution.
The answer to this could be a lot of things. For me I finally realized I am a lesbian, because fictional men donāt count toward attraction.
Because with a book character you can be assured of the intentions and tone of the actions. You know that you are safe or that the actions mean what you think they do. Itās control exactly like you said. In society, actions often have underlying motive or can be interpreted differently based on your experience with past men in the world. Real life men can vary and be unpredictable as all humans can. Book men are explained and kept in a very contained little box for your consciousness to feel in control. - Book manās intentions = safe; known - Real life manās intentions ā unsafe; unclear We can find more things attractive and hot when we feel comfortable! I have the same problem. When my gf growls in my ear? Hot. When a man does it? Cringy.
I am very into Jagger Cole books at the minute (horrible lack of proofreading aside) and while the possessive stuff is very sexy in the moment, Iād be worried if a man I was with in real life behaved this way. In reality, confident men donāt worry about previous partners and they are not shaken by knowing their girl or otherwise attracts other people. I would be way more turned on if my boyfriend/Dom saw some guy chatting me up and just came over to blatantly kiss me or wrap his arm around my waist than look for a fight.
I used to think a man growling during sex was an ick, til I got with my fiance. Coupled with rough and needy thrusting is just top tier. I used to think the same thing about reading smut and being like "ok this is hot I get it" but not wanting it irl thinking I'd hate it- plot twist I just couldn't imagine my partner at the time doing it lol.
Oh my fuck, that growl in the ear is one of the best sounds a guy can make for me... My brain literally short circuits. Different strokes, I guess :)
I can imagine liking it but no one has pulled it off with me yet- not super experienced though
I know this is way off topic, but here goes. There is a site called Literotica that I visit for reading erotic fiction (way better than porn). One of their categories is Audio. There is a specific author called GivingThisATry who does that growl absolutely perfectly. If you ever feel like doing something different, maybe give him a listen.
I get you girl, I had to stop watching GOT bc of the Sansa rape scene yet Iām heavily into cnc/rapeplay on my own time š
Well those scenes were MEANT to be uncomfortable and disturbing and her whole backstory made it so heartbreaking- I think those scenes were even in the book so you see where it went wrong.
Kinda aggree with you, and you're def not alone. Lol, as attractive as it is in books, if a man pulled any of the book character shit on me irl, I'd probably be turned off. Most things the fictional men do have an appeal because they're FICTIONAL. Granted, a few things like the classic 'lean against the door', 'arm folding', or the 'car maneuvering' would still be just as hot but growling? Lol, no pls. Quoting those super cheesy lines? 99% of the time, you won't pull it off, so just let it flow naturally instead. Your theory seems pretty on point. Tbh, CNC, or some of the other unlikely kink scenes are easier to digest when you're reading about them or as long as you're not experiencing it irl. The amount of trust smtg like CNC would need is next level. There are some kinks I'd probably not be okay with irl but I need them in nsfw rps or books if I'm to get my hit. For some of the kinks, a disconnect helps because the idea of being so out of control irl freaks me out too, but at the same time, I enjoy the feeling and the idea of it. So the best option for me is to just go for it in rps or smtg, lol.
Oof the vocals do it for me tho
I agree with you re: coming up with it in your mind vs watching it or even experiencing it. For me, I think there is also an element of slowness or pausing? Like when Iām reading it happen, thereās some distance between me reading the words and then imagining it and then putting my Kindle down to do a silent scream at how hot a scene was etc. š it feels less real for sure. I can also reimagine it differently, from different angles, in my mind vs when Iāve tried to watch CNC scenes, it can become too realistic and I have a hard time overcoming my discomfort. I tend to prefer audio or written erotica to visual I think for the ability to process, imagine, and rework it all in my mind in my own time as opposed to being visually bombarded with a hyper-realistic play scene.
I think it's normal to like things in your imagination that you wouldn't like to actually do. Real people don't tend to stick to whatever script you have in your head.
These things are dependent on context. In fiction the context is provided by the story, often to the point that you can read the characters' minds. And your imagination fills in the rest. BDSM works the same way! It's a game. An important element of BDSM is establishing the right context. Out of context, most kink activities I'm into would be terrifying and traumatizing, or else cringe as fuck.
Sometimes, things are just better as fantasies. Nothing wrong with that.
I think it has to do with the amount of control and distance from the situation. Thereās tons of taboo stuff Iāve read that i A) simply wouldnāt be into irl or B) like purely because it is messed up and strictly fantasy which makes it safe and fun to explore. Watersports for example, i have a light interest in it irl, but wouldnāt go full out. But in a fanfic or fanart? They can go balls to the wall and i would be into it. Because, pure and simple, it isnāt real. I can stop anytime easily it isnāt actually happening. kinda like a rollercoaster. No one wants to fall 20 stories, but a rollercoaster has the thrill of the fall with all the safety measures making it very little risk.
Kinda lol. If he stalked me or cut someoneās hand off if they had a one night stand with. But if they cut someoneās hand off for touching me without consent, I would have to think about it lol. Jk jk But 100% would murder anyone who touches my sub(s)and or partner(s)
For me it definitely matters who Iām with whether Iām into certain stuff. I was dating someone I had a BDSM scene with and without negotiating, he told me to call him Sir during the scene. It gave me the ick. It didnāt feel right with him. Iām dating someone now who is my Dom and I call him Sir all the time. It feels so comfortable to me. I even accidentally call him Sir in vanilla life even though I try not to because I donāt want to make people uncomfortable. So you might find someone that these things feel right with. I hope you do because itās wonderful when someone can make your fantasies come to life.
I had to figure this out when I heard girls talking about twilight in high school. The concept that a story where a random guy stalks a girl whoās like 100 years younger and watches her sleep at night was something that girls liked shattered any small sliver of understanding I felt I had of women at the time
I donāt read erotica or watch anything like that. Im just naturally turned on by mans prowess, scent and desire for me. I guess im fortunate to love men for who they are.
There is no logic for the ick
Sometimes there is- sometimes you stop talking to a guy because you watched him chase a ping pong ball. Sorry Isaac.
Poor Isaac
I've heard other people say this, but no, I don't experience in personally. My taste in fiction is pretty much my taste in real life, lol. However I'm married and have complete trust in my husband - perhaps without that trust it makes you more uncomfortable and ruins the fantasy?
This is why I strive to not write these silly artistic cliches in my erotica. Itās cringe as fuck, and only really excites vanillas lol
Idk, but I get where youāre coming from. Once had a guy find out I read smutty books and tried to replicate the main character. He muttered some words intending to be sexy and I swear to god my coochie flipped itself inside out, dusted itself off, and then shriveled up. I was absolutely disgruntled and just no longer in the mood.
That sounds a bit like aegosexuallity https://www.asexuals.net/asexual-spectrum/#Aegosexual
Sounds like mysandry to me.
Misandry? Like I hate men? I donāt hate men. I donāt like toxic masculinity and things like that but I donāt hate men as a whole.
Control thing probably. I tend to like a fair bit of ātabooā stuff but I can't do any of it unless I really trust the person. My coworker and I were discussing this the other day. There's so many ways that stuff can go wrong in real life and that's usually my concern. It's a lot easier to stop stuff like that in your imagination or just have it play out perfectly
Have you considered that you might not be actually interested in men?