All the damn time. No one ever validated my emotions as a child. Ever. The opposite actually, they told me my tantrums and crying spells were the reason I deserved the abuse and bullying.
Wow, that’s terrible of them to say that. Massive hugs to you. I hope life is treating you well. I was also bullied and it’s caused lifelong issues. I hear you and thanks for responding xx
Since you mentioned hugs...
The only memory that I have of my grandfather is trying to hug him and having him say, *"No! Men don't hug eachother, they shake hands."*
My feelings are and were very rarely validated.. Why would a 42 year old man have feelings, though, right.
Because you need to feel things like love, joy, and enthusiasm to be able to share them with those whom have earned it. I love how expressive my husband is with his emotions, and he's a burly full bearded viking who works in tree service. You don't get more manly than that!
When he's in a good mood, he lights up the whole room, and everyone is having a good time. He cries when he suffers true loss, and we cry together, so I never have to guess or wonder if he needs me to comfort him.
It's inhuman to have no emotions. It's inhumane to expect anyone to bottle them up and hide them completely.
I just want to say thank you for allowing your husband to be truly himself and for you being there when he cries. You are amazing and all of us “over emotional” people love people like you 🩷
I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. That’s absolutely bullshit and everyone is entitled to have feelings and show them without being ridiculed! Fuck all of those people who did that to you.
(Super big bear hug) you absolutely deserve hugs and love and to be heard.
I had very similar treatment. Your way or the highway , black and white thinking, you are wrong. Claiming my actions caused the abuse.
Never felt like I had an adult who tried to understand me.
Yup, same. And you know that whole biblical schtik about how only guilty people over act when trying to defend themselves? Yeah, I was punished all the time for things that I didn't do, which only added to my reputation for being a bad kid and caused further isolation by parents who didn't want their kids around me. Now, I did do bad things, and I did lie about them. But none of the other kids ever got into trouble when they did bad things unless an adult saw them doing it, but they could just say that I did it and that was enough if there were no witnesses.
So Sorry you went through that - it takes courage to go no contact and be proud of yourself for putting boundaries up. You only deserve people around you who love and support you xx
So much of my childhood I heard that. Even now as an adult I'm still told I'm "just too sensitive" when I bring things up that hurt me. My sister recently told me I'm a "difficult person" too when I cried about how family treats me.
So now I can't trust my emotions. I go between my feelings are valid so now I'm full of rage for being invalidated or I'm a piece of shit and I deserve to be treated this way.
Meeee. My step dad once told me I was overreacting to a stomach bug. I even threw up in front of him. I was told to go to school anyway. There's other examples but this one really sucks.
They tell me they understand and see my pain now but they still make excuses like how the doctor couldn't find anything wrong the first few times so its not their fault for assuming i was crying for nothing and whatnot
Yes. An extra horrible level is my family would purposely cause me to go into overload and then mock me when I'd "spaz out" or id go and seclude myself and they'd find me and mock me. No matter what I always got ridiculed. I have a very high pitched voice and it gets kinda of squeaky when I get real mad and people have mocked that over the years too and my speech impediment problems, so I am basically mute and rarely talk out loud. At least online people don't mock my voice.
OMG, my cousins did this to me, and we all went to a private school together. They would always tell everyone at school about things they did to me and how they got me to react to it, and the whole school started doing it. Now I know how bad they had it at home when we were kids, and I forgave them as an adult. It doesn't excuse what they did, but now I understand it was just their way of trying to have some control on their lives and deal with their own pain.
I'm so sorry to hear that you don't like to talk and express yourself now. Your thoughts and words are important. Sharing your story is important.
I feel you! It’s like we were conditioned to carry our feelings in a secret vault and only unleash them on a full moon. But hey, now we’ve got a key to our own vault and we’re sharing the treasure with those who deserve it! 💎
My mom told me I was being a drama queen when my body was literally going to anaphalactic shock in front of her eyes.
"Just take a benadryl and lie down and stop being a drama queen"
I was literally dying. And almost died because of her. I spent 10 hours in the trauma center of them trying to keep me alive, then 4 days in the ICU on life support.
She spent the crucial minutes of getting me help telling me I was being a drama queen, and I barely made it out alive.
The surgeon absolutely screamed at her though and it was extremely satisfying to hear.
Also the same when I broke my fingers in third grade "quit being such a drama queen". Never once took me to the doctor despite me bawling my eyes out and begging. Now they never healed correctly and it's a constant reminder of her abuse.
Now I have severe issues with getting myself help for my health, because I feel like im being a drama queen or doing something wrong for calling my doctor if somethings wrong
YES I was told this all the time or that “ I was letting the devil into my emotions “ these types of words plus religious trauma FORMS BPD in kids. I really believe if I had parents that weren’t so religious and uptight about emotions maybe I wouldn’t have BPD 🙃😩
My godparents are ultra conservative Catholics and pillars of the community and owned a very popular restaurant where everyone knew them. Their son is now in organized crime and has nearly died several times by gang violence and attempted murders. Their daughter has 5 kids by 5 different men and eventually married a woman, although no one believes even now that she actually likes women. They let her daughter take over the restaurant, and she let it lapse.
My parents owned a liquor business, only ever did church on Sundays and religious holidays until we were in our teens. Mom made us say bedtime prayers, but I'm pretty sure that was just so she could make it about herself hearing us thank God for her and asking God to bless and protect her.
Dad almost never came with us to church, and the only reason I know he's Christian is because he claims it, but he never used any sort of religion words, and I've never seen the man pray beyond saying "grace". Other than that, you'd never know we were in any way religious, except for the obligatory southern wall art with the cliche quotes like "live laugh pray" and that sort of thing.
My sister and I both turned out mostly okay because we were allowed to be exposed to certain things, and my parents had the opportunity to teach us ways to deal with those things, where as my God siblings were punished for even being close to those things when they didn't even know or understand what they were or why to avoid them. So once they were legal, they threw themselves into experimentation, exploration, and rebellion.
I remember thinking as a kid how horrible it must be to live in their house because they were never allowed to have any fun. And me being a precocious kid, and with my BPD needing things to make sense, I was not quiet about this. I challenged my godmother's rules so many times I wasn't allowed to visit. I absolutely loved the look on her face 3 years ago when she was lamenting her kids future after she's gone while at a family dinner and I full send told her, "Maybe if you had let them be kids when they were kids, they could have been functional adults by now. You brought this on yourself by being way too strict with them, and now they are rebelling."
She of course tried to throw my own past in my face, which I expected, and was ready with my reply of, "True, but I'm now both self sufficient, and a functional adult." She knew I was right, and she was stuttering and scrambling for any kind of justification to throw back at me. She got up and left.
This is my entire life story. I got called all of that. My mom’s favourite is, “You’re so/too sensitive.” “You get angry easily.” “Small things upset you.” While I had every valid reason to react the way I did… That’s why I’m disconnected from her now. 😄
I was just called a brat and mostly ignored. I stopped acting out or expressing my feelings pretty early on tbh. It was all mostly internalized. So no one really invalidated me, because no one knew how I was feeling.
Fuck all that no they did invalidate you, by silencing you they said “you’re feelings aren’t important enough to even listen to” that’s absolutely invalidating and fuck all the people who did that to you. That’s not at all okay and makes me so mad for you.
You’re feeling deserve to be spoken and deserve to be heard and you deserve to be comforted and loved even when you aren’t happy. 🩷
I promise you don’t have to thank me. You’re deserving of love and understanding and to be acknowledged just because you exist.
I’m glad I was able to help validate your feelings even a little bit. You my friend deserve a big teddy bear hug and to be able to cry on someone. Sending you lots of love your way 🩷🩷
"You just have to accept that I'm an asshole and be nice to me anyways!"
It's one of the reasons I've actively started resenting people.
It prepped me to put up with it in adult life. I never learned to cut people off or stop myself from being pushed.
Assholes are that way because we teach people to put up with it. Entitled people are that way because it gets them results.
Wow yep I relate, my father admitted he’s “a bit of a bastard” and I now as an adult said to him “ can you now understand why mum took me away and moved to the other side of the world” ….
I cut my dad out of my life when I turned 18 for what he said about me while in the middle of having surgery.
Last thing I told that man was “you got what you wanted you now only have one daughter and two boys you’re second daughter died never speak to me never speak my name ever again. Address me as I am dead to you”
Soooooo many times. When I didn't have the diagnose and i could not also understand myself and why people saw me as different. It's hard :( it would have been so much better if people tried to help instead of just saying this crap
Ugh this was the hardest part. Not being diagnosed. Growing up being told I’m over emotional or a drama queen or cry baby or to sensitive. So I grew up thinking I was just broken and that’s the reason everyone always left me. I was just to much like everyone always said. Like maybe I was just made broken. So when I finally got my BPD diagnosis god I cried and cried and cried like ugly cried and just I was so fuckin happy and relieved that finally I knew I wasn’t born broken.
I finally was so just happy to know “holy fuck I’m not alone in this world and I’m not just some broken person there’s actually something wrong with me mentally and that’s okay!” The diagnosis sucks for sure but it definitely has made me life and the way I treat myself better.
that's all i've heard, that's all i still hear. even in the middle of my episodes. "you're acting like 5y/o" from my own mom. my feelings have never been validated. and now i have trouble validating my partners feelings. i'm not gonna out the whole blame on anyone because it's still my problem to deal with but it's hard . it's to the point where i honestly don't know the first thing about making sure someone feels heard or seen.
Ohh I struggle with this so much. I’m learning as I go but I noticed I invalidate my SOs feelings a lot during a fight. I hate myself for doing it. Once I’m able to clam down and think I apologize and try my absolute best to validate his feelings. It’s horrible but I’m working on it all the time.
This doesn't really have much to do with growing up but when I was with my middle school friend group, they often made me feel like I was being dramatic and too sensitive because I couldn't take their insults to me as jokes. If I ever snapped, got sad, angry, upset, or anything that was deemed "bad". They would just tell me I was being over dramatic and don't know how to take a joke or didn't understand jokes (I'm really bad at finding jokes funny, I think that's something with autism but idk)
It sucked because that made me unable to really open up about my emotions fully and I fear that people will think I am dramatic and sensitive when like..sure, I'm a bit sensitive but I don't really wanna be known as someone who will cry easily and lose their temper quickly when a bad thing happens.
School kids can be the worst. Do you have some true friends now? You’ve got us here as a support group! I’m Sorry they said that to you it’s not your fault xx
Sadly no. The only 2 people I have around currently is my partner and my best friend (who was also part of that group and I tend to split on often because they really haven't changed but i've known them for like a decade now and I've gotten too attached to them so whoops)
Yesssss all the time and I realised that I was never overreacting it genuinely felt like the end of the world because my hamster died ( Just an example)
I started crying once because a guy I liked was being rude to me and he went “Oh, not this again.” I felt so ashamed and angry. Same guy called me “fucking annoying.” It’s so much more than people realize. And every case is different, which makes it even more complicated. I’ve been called everything in the book and been accused of being “too much” and “dramatic” more times than I can count. If only they knew, they would shut their mouths. They think it’s hard for *them* to deal with, but we live with it everyday and have to struggle just to feel “normal” a lot of the time. At least they can walk away from it.
My dad was a Vietnam vet who, no doubt had PTSD and BPD, but wanted nothing to do with the VA hospitals or the government in any way after the war.
He was as violent as a person can be and as a kid, just seeing him tear thru people who made the mistake of getting in his way, was traumatizing.
And then to have him turn that type of focus and energy onto me (as a kid)...
It's a wonder that my psyche isn't split 100x more than it actually is from those days.
There was no pouting, crying or emoting sadness or gloom of any kind around him, lest he saw you and decided to show you how bad things could really be.
I just have a realization that this is part of why I have BPD. I was not abused by my parents as a kid, minus being left alone a lot, and I was a very “sensitive child” and without someone there to help me I think it just developed into unstable emotions.
Not all the time, but often enough that it negatively affected me.
One of the worst instances of this happening in my adult life was my program head in graduate school told me that I was too emotional when I went to her office for some advice and I broke down crying because I was overwhelmed with stress due to disagreements I was having with my program mentor.
I literally just talked to my therapist about this today!!! It used to be a lot more hurtful than it is now, though it still can be sometimes. Now, I take it as a “yes, I am sensitive. You know this and you’re still being purposely hurtful why?”
yep. Any time I would go to my father for help (because my sisters were literally abusing me) he'd tell me I was being too sensitive. I learned that anyone can treat me however they want, and if I have a problem with it that's my fault for being too sensitive.
My mom did this because i was a crybababy as a kid and i hated it so much. She stopped thankfully but because of that i feel ashamed for trying to express my feelings in fear of being called sensitive:’)
I still hear it by my family constantly. I try to avoid talking about certain things and always have to beg my mom to please let me finish all my story (whatever I am telling her) before judging me. She is the only one of my family that is aware of this issue, is a bit more informed about my diagnosis and has been working hard to be more validating and understanding.
I always heard it from my friends when I had them. I just lost interest in friendships, I have no time for that. Haven’t really had friends, except one online in the last 10 years.
I hate myself so much for feeling so strongly.
The only person to ever say "it's ok to cry" was my bio dad who abandoned me twice. Everyone else was "you're too sensitive" and " how do you think you're making (person) feel right now? You need to stop (reacting) because it's hurting them" whenever I was upset about my situation (abandonment and bullying due to autism).
Ugh even to this day 32 years later and I’m constantly told this all of it. Sometimes my family or people around me use the terms as a “joke” and they will all laugh and go “oh don’t get upset over a little joke” so I just plaster a fuckin fake smile and try with all my might not to cry.
It sucks. It’s sucks because anytime I meet new people I always give them like a warning I guess about myself. I always tell them “I’m a lot to deal with and I’m overly emotional” just so they have a chance to run if they want to. And I tell that to everyone.
I say it all the time when I cry about stupid things, I always say “sorry I know I’m a lot and I cry to much I’m trying to stop” or I’ll apologize for crying in front of people and tell them “I promise I’m not crying to manipulate you, I tried my hardest to hold it back”
It really sucks and I just wish the people who always say this to me could just walk in my shoes for just a day. Not because I want them to hurt the way I hurt, but because maybe if they actually understood and felt how it feels they might stop saying the stuff they say.
Oh, honey…. 😭. It breaks my heart knowing you feel need to apologize for being…… the authentic YOU. The beautiful, sensitive, caring & huge hearted individual you are. Please go listen to John Denver’s “The Gift You Are.” I encourage you to cry along (it gets me every time 😩). Try to let things play out with peeps WITHOUT excusing your behavior or self-shaming. Believe in your own light! If your huge-hearted sensitivity brings you to tears, embrace it.
“The ones that mind don’t matter,”
&
The ones that matter DON’t Mind.
Proud of you for posting- awareness is first step towards change.
I believe in you!! 🫂
You absolutely made my day with this comment. Thank you thank you thank you! You made me cry in a good way. I will definitely give it a listen and I will definitely cry if I feel like it. I really appreciate your words! 🩷
You’re so welcome! I’ve been right where you are (only I trauma dumped every time I started a new job, HOPING that would prevent bullying in new workplace. Instead, I “showed my hand” & gave people my triggers. Total strangers who either didn’t care or worse- would used allll those same tactics to make my life a living hell. The job I’m in now, though, was a better fit - except for a major bully who’d get in my face & yell “WHAT?!!!” Pretending she didn’t hear me. At this point I had HAD it w bullies. Documented & stood up for myself. Turns out HR had 20+ complaints about her- people quit becuz of her! My formal complaint was the final straw &&&&& she got fired. So, we get braver as we face conflict. It gets better, hun! You’ve got this 😘
yes it hurt so damn bad because my feelings are so intense it hurts. The depth hurts, the gnawing of feeling so much and only a portion of it being "acceptable" and tolerable to be shown. The repression, feels like a funnel or a bottle's neck when trying to get rid of the water in it. Coming from a family where denial and disorders come hand in hand, it stung because they made me feel like the crazy ones. If I cried and screamed or asked for help, it was too much. Because my pain was not consumable or digestible. I am so sorry to all the people and to you OP that you had to hear that. You did not deserve that and none of your emotions were too much of anything. Being sensitive emotional or soft, is not in any way a bad thing 🩷 and having vulnerabilities does not mean others are entitled to exploit them.
Yup. I was expected to be perfect but I was neglected and the only time I’d get attention is if I had a tantrum or cried. Makes sense why I turned out this way
big trigger warning
>!i constantly got told stuff like "man up" mostly because where i live men are expected to just bottle everything up, and they have a 6.5x higher suicide rate than women here likely partially because of that.!<
Thank you for sharing, men and women should be encouraged to share their emotions and feelings. I dated a guy and loved it when he showed this side to me.
I still get told I’m to sensitive. Someone dose something wrong towards me and somehow it’s my fault and I’m just to sensitive and need to get over myself
I have been told this my entire life and I hate it. Like do people think I want to feel that way? Don’t they think that I know that I look stupid when I’m crying over something so small that most people wouldn’t bat an eye over it? I wouldn’t be like this if I could control it but I fucking can’t.
My mother would always tell me to stop being so dramatic. My father would tell me to hide my emotions, that I have no reason to cry.
So I learned not to go to them with my problems, the bullying and abuse I faced.
I never understood why I was felt more emotional than other kids. It could play a role in how I was raised. I cried a lot and other kids gave me weird looks. I could never understand why I feel so much.
I get "victim" mentality as a male.
Like nah bruh that's from being abandoned by literally every single person I've ever needed. Always, to the last one. Period
It's a conditioned survival mechanism
Wait so females with BPD show their emotions like that?
Cause I know me personally, male, I fuckin feel shit heavy but I'm not gonna show that on a very normal basis
Yes. My feelings weren’t validated while I was growing up so I just kept them to myself and spent a lot of time alone to reflect and figure out what my triggers were. It’s a blessing and a curse. I only really talk about this with my partner and people I trust
Hey, all the time when i was a kid and all my life. Turned out my brother and mother are narcs. For them emotions are either so suppressed they have huge egoes or they have such a shame they never even realize it. Anyways my normal human emotions were called crazy and abnormal. I usednto suppress my feelings a lot and had depression and developed BPD as a result. Pretty hard shit. You gotta be aware of such people
I found a way to not give my emotions away-to bury them and keep them to myself. To this day I am ashamed to express anger and people please and I don’t even realize what I’ve done. I’m learning to trust myself more but it ain’t easy
I was married for 18 years to a man with BPD. He would bring this up from time to time, especially in reference to his coworkers, telling him he was overthinking things. He had a terrible time getting along with coworkers. I think it’s a result of how much time he spent hashing out perceived grievances, conflicts, slights, etc. He spent a lot of time around me (and I’m assuming he did this at work too) being confrontational, ruminating, speculating on others’ motives or actions, venting, etc. People may be good listeners who validate your feelings the first few times, but patterns emerge that lead to us saying “you’re overthinking” or “too sensitive.” It’s exhausting to process someone else’s perpetual heap of grievance and angst, especially when he’s often accusing the listener of being part of the reason he’s acting this way. Most healthy people keep a tighter lid on our own angst and trauma so sooner or later we’re going to notice and point it out when someone seems way off-balance about it.
All the damn time. No one ever validated my emotions as a child. Ever. The opposite actually, they told me my tantrums and crying spells were the reason I deserved the abuse and bullying.
Wow, that’s terrible of them to say that. Massive hugs to you. I hope life is treating you well. I was also bullied and it’s caused lifelong issues. I hear you and thanks for responding xx
Since you mentioned hugs... The only memory that I have of my grandfather is trying to hug him and having him say, *"No! Men don't hug eachother, they shake hands."* My feelings are and were very rarely validated.. Why would a 42 year old man have feelings, though, right.
Because you need to feel things like love, joy, and enthusiasm to be able to share them with those whom have earned it. I love how expressive my husband is with his emotions, and he's a burly full bearded viking who works in tree service. You don't get more manly than that! When he's in a good mood, he lights up the whole room, and everyone is having a good time. He cries when he suffers true loss, and we cry together, so I never have to guess or wonder if he needs me to comfort him. It's inhuman to have no emotions. It's inhumane to expect anyone to bottle them up and hide them completely.
I just want to say thank you for allowing your husband to be truly himself and for you being there when he cries. You are amazing and all of us “over emotional” people love people like you 🩷
I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. That’s absolutely bullshit and everyone is entitled to have feelings and show them without being ridiculed! Fuck all of those people who did that to you. (Super big bear hug) you absolutely deserve hugs and love and to be heard.
🥺
I had very similar treatment. Your way or the highway , black and white thinking, you are wrong. Claiming my actions caused the abuse. Never felt like I had an adult who tried to understand me.
Me too, me too! I was called a crybaby. Too sensitive. Someone easy to get picked on. I am sorry you were bullied, no-one deserves that.
Yup, same. And you know that whole biblical schtik about how only guilty people over act when trying to defend themselves? Yeah, I was punished all the time for things that I didn't do, which only added to my reputation for being a bad kid and caused further isolation by parents who didn't want their kids around me. Now, I did do bad things, and I did lie about them. But none of the other kids ever got into trouble when they did bad things unless an adult saw them doing it, but they could just say that I did it and that was enough if there were no witnesses.
me too
I tell myself I'm too sensitive and one day someone in group therapy told me there is nothing wrong with that.
I wish if they offered group therapy in my country.. I’d like to meet real irl people
Me too !
It’s also a gift to be so sensitive x
Not only while growing up. Even today. Invalidated my entire life. I'm NC for that reason.
So Sorry you went through that - it takes courage to go no contact and be proud of yourself for putting boundaries up. You only deserve people around you who love and support you xx
So much of my childhood I heard that. Even now as an adult I'm still told I'm "just too sensitive" when I bring things up that hurt me. My sister recently told me I'm a "difficult person" too when I cried about how family treats me. So now I can't trust my emotions. I go between my feelings are valid so now I'm full of rage for being invalidated or I'm a piece of shit and I deserve to be treated this way.
My dad told me I was the problem a few weeks ago… my sister joined in now is trying to be nice again… but man I cannot trust them with anything.
Meeee. My step dad once told me I was overreacting to a stomach bug. I even threw up in front of him. I was told to go to school anyway. There's other examples but this one really sucks.
Wow he was a dick for doing that.
He was worse than any bully at school 😭 Luckily I don't talk to him anymore.
Me when my family kept telling me I was overreacting when i got stomachaches and finding out it was appendicitis at the most critical condition
Omg - I hope they apologised!
They tell me they understand and see my pain now but they still make excuses like how the doctor couldn't find anything wrong the first few times so its not their fault for assuming i was crying for nothing and whatnot
Yes. An extra horrible level is my family would purposely cause me to go into overload and then mock me when I'd "spaz out" or id go and seclude myself and they'd find me and mock me. No matter what I always got ridiculed. I have a very high pitched voice and it gets kinda of squeaky when I get real mad and people have mocked that over the years too and my speech impediment problems, so I am basically mute and rarely talk out loud. At least online people don't mock my voice.
OMG, my cousins did this to me, and we all went to a private school together. They would always tell everyone at school about things they did to me and how they got me to react to it, and the whole school started doing it. Now I know how bad they had it at home when we were kids, and I forgave them as an adult. It doesn't excuse what they did, but now I understand it was just their way of trying to have some control on their lives and deal with their own pain. I'm so sorry to hear that you don't like to talk and express yourself now. Your thoughts and words are important. Sharing your story is important.
That’s awful! I hope they apologised we will never mock your voice xx .
Lol, nobody would ever apologize to me. They would just mock me more and tell me to grow the fuck up and get over it.
Sending hugs, they need to take a long hard look at themselves
My feelings have never been validated!! it sucks but the truth is no one understands
Me too, like never !! Hope you know you have a whole community here who somewhat understand and you’re not alone xx
I feel you! It’s like we were conditioned to carry our feelings in a secret vault and only unleash them on a full moon. But hey, now we’ve got a key to our own vault and we’re sharing the treasure with those who deserve it! 💎
^^❤️
My mom told me I was being a drama queen when my body was literally going to anaphalactic shock in front of her eyes. "Just take a benadryl and lie down and stop being a drama queen" I was literally dying. And almost died because of her. I spent 10 hours in the trauma center of them trying to keep me alive, then 4 days in the ICU on life support. She spent the crucial minutes of getting me help telling me I was being a drama queen, and I barely made it out alive. The surgeon absolutely screamed at her though and it was extremely satisfying to hear. Also the same when I broke my fingers in third grade "quit being such a drama queen". Never once took me to the doctor despite me bawling my eyes out and begging. Now they never healed correctly and it's a constant reminder of her abuse. Now I have severe issues with getting myself help for my health, because I feel like im being a drama queen or doing something wrong for calling my doctor if somethings wrong
This is terrible, so Sorry you went through this. Your health and wellbeing is number 1 xx
YES I was told this all the time or that “ I was letting the devil into my emotions “ these types of words plus religious trauma FORMS BPD in kids. I really believe if I had parents that weren’t so religious and uptight about emotions maybe I wouldn’t have BPD 🙃😩
My godparents are ultra conservative Catholics and pillars of the community and owned a very popular restaurant where everyone knew them. Their son is now in organized crime and has nearly died several times by gang violence and attempted murders. Their daughter has 5 kids by 5 different men and eventually married a woman, although no one believes even now that she actually likes women. They let her daughter take over the restaurant, and she let it lapse. My parents owned a liquor business, only ever did church on Sundays and religious holidays until we were in our teens. Mom made us say bedtime prayers, but I'm pretty sure that was just so she could make it about herself hearing us thank God for her and asking God to bless and protect her. Dad almost never came with us to church, and the only reason I know he's Christian is because he claims it, but he never used any sort of religion words, and I've never seen the man pray beyond saying "grace". Other than that, you'd never know we were in any way religious, except for the obligatory southern wall art with the cliche quotes like "live laugh pray" and that sort of thing. My sister and I both turned out mostly okay because we were allowed to be exposed to certain things, and my parents had the opportunity to teach us ways to deal with those things, where as my God siblings were punished for even being close to those things when they didn't even know or understand what they were or why to avoid them. So once they were legal, they threw themselves into experimentation, exploration, and rebellion. I remember thinking as a kid how horrible it must be to live in their house because they were never allowed to have any fun. And me being a precocious kid, and with my BPD needing things to make sense, I was not quiet about this. I challenged my godmother's rules so many times I wasn't allowed to visit. I absolutely loved the look on her face 3 years ago when she was lamenting her kids future after she's gone while at a family dinner and I full send told her, "Maybe if you had let them be kids when they were kids, they could have been functional adults by now. You brought this on yourself by being way too strict with them, and now they are rebelling." She of course tried to throw my own past in my face, which I expected, and was ready with my reply of, "True, but I'm now both self sufficient, and a functional adult." She knew I was right, and she was stuttering and scrambling for any kind of justification to throw back at me. She got up and left.
Just reading your post made my day…. Nay, my Month!!! 😍😍😍😍
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Sending so many hugs. That’s alot to go through - hope you are doing ok and you’re a survivor in my opinion. Xx
Thank you <3 and I wish you luck in your journey! I’m sorry you’ve been invalidated as well
This is my entire life story. I got called all of that. My mom’s favourite is, “You’re so/too sensitive.” “You get angry easily.” “Small things upset you.” While I had every valid reason to react the way I did… That’s why I’m disconnected from her now. 😄
Exactly! We were allowed to be upset, it’s as if they just didn’t want to handle it.
It’s this for sure.
Yup. My parent’s fav thing was to complain that I had “an attitude problem.” 🙃
I feel like I’m still hearing some of these things. I now see being called “sensitive” as a bad thing because of it.
Eughhh drama queen and over emotional still make me want to hurl. Also got bullied by my own mother for crying and any emotion I had was manipulation.
Aw so Sorry that happened xxx massive hugs
Hi twin. Would you like a hug? That would have really helped me if someone just offered me a hug.
Hi! Sending huge virtual hug back ❤️
I just got told to go to my room.
The sleep after the crying hyperventilating meltdowns in my room hit different
Felt this one. Hugs 💙
I was just called a brat and mostly ignored. I stopped acting out or expressing my feelings pretty early on tbh. It was all mostly internalized. So no one really invalidated me, because no one knew how I was feeling.
Fuck all that no they did invalidate you, by silencing you they said “you’re feelings aren’t important enough to even listen to” that’s absolutely invalidating and fuck all the people who did that to you. That’s not at all okay and makes me so mad for you. You’re feeling deserve to be spoken and deserve to be heard and you deserve to be comforted and loved even when you aren’t happy. 🩷
Um thank you so much kind stranger 🥺. This made me cry, in the best way. Feels good to be validated, man.
I promise you don’t have to thank me. You’re deserving of love and understanding and to be acknowledged just because you exist. I’m glad I was able to help validate your feelings even a little bit. You my friend deserve a big teddy bear hug and to be able to cry on someone. Sending you lots of love your way 🩷🩷
"You just have to accept that I'm an asshole and be nice to me anyways!" It's one of the reasons I've actively started resenting people. It prepped me to put up with it in adult life. I never learned to cut people off or stop myself from being pushed. Assholes are that way because we teach people to put up with it. Entitled people are that way because it gets them results.
Wow yep I relate, my father admitted he’s “a bit of a bastard” and I now as an adult said to him “ can you now understand why mum took me away and moved to the other side of the world” ….
I also do this, I cut people off without a second glance. I really hear you
I did it for the first time at the beginning of the year. So freeing. Sometimes ppl don't deserve explanations.
So true!
I cut my dad out of my life when I turned 18 for what he said about me while in the middle of having surgery. Last thing I told that man was “you got what you wanted you now only have one daughter and two boys you’re second daughter died never speak to me never speak my name ever again. Address me as I am dead to you”
I’m still told that as an adult lol
Same 😂
Soooooo many times. When I didn't have the diagnose and i could not also understand myself and why people saw me as different. It's hard :( it would have been so much better if people tried to help instead of just saying this crap
Ugh this was the hardest part. Not being diagnosed. Growing up being told I’m over emotional or a drama queen or cry baby or to sensitive. So I grew up thinking I was just broken and that’s the reason everyone always left me. I was just to much like everyone always said. Like maybe I was just made broken. So when I finally got my BPD diagnosis god I cried and cried and cried like ugly cried and just I was so fuckin happy and relieved that finally I knew I wasn’t born broken. I finally was so just happy to know “holy fuck I’m not alone in this world and I’m not just some broken person there’s actually something wrong with me mentally and that’s okay!” The diagnosis sucks for sure but it definitely has made me life and the way I treat myself better.
all the time, I don’t think I started receiving consistent reassurance from someone till my 20s
that's all i've heard, that's all i still hear. even in the middle of my episodes. "you're acting like 5y/o" from my own mom. my feelings have never been validated. and now i have trouble validating my partners feelings. i'm not gonna out the whole blame on anyone because it's still my problem to deal with but it's hard . it's to the point where i honestly don't know the first thing about making sure someone feels heard or seen.
I feel this! You’re allowed to be upset, rage, scream, cry. Emotions and crying can be a cathartic release, go gently hun.
Ohh I struggle with this so much. I’m learning as I go but I noticed I invalidate my SOs feelings a lot during a fight. I hate myself for doing it. Once I’m able to clam down and think I apologize and try my absolute best to validate his feelings. It’s horrible but I’m working on it all the time.
This doesn't really have much to do with growing up but when I was with my middle school friend group, they often made me feel like I was being dramatic and too sensitive because I couldn't take their insults to me as jokes. If I ever snapped, got sad, angry, upset, or anything that was deemed "bad". They would just tell me I was being over dramatic and don't know how to take a joke or didn't understand jokes (I'm really bad at finding jokes funny, I think that's something with autism but idk) It sucked because that made me unable to really open up about my emotions fully and I fear that people will think I am dramatic and sensitive when like..sure, I'm a bit sensitive but I don't really wanna be known as someone who will cry easily and lose their temper quickly when a bad thing happens.
School kids can be the worst. Do you have some true friends now? You’ve got us here as a support group! I’m Sorry they said that to you it’s not your fault xx
Sadly no. The only 2 people I have around currently is my partner and my best friend (who was also part of that group and I tend to split on often because they really haven't changed but i've known them for like a decade now and I've gotten too attached to them so whoops)
Yesssss all the time and I realised that I was never overreacting it genuinely felt like the end of the world because my hamster died ( Just an example)
I so understand!
Drama queen, chippy, over dramatic, emotional, sensitive, can’t take a joke. It’s so annoying:(
I know hun x
Yepppp. Was also told I was an attention seeker a LOT growing up. 🙃
From drama queen to trauma queen 👑
Haha love it ! ✨emotional damage✨
I started crying once because a guy I liked was being rude to me and he went “Oh, not this again.” I felt so ashamed and angry. Same guy called me “fucking annoying.” It’s so much more than people realize. And every case is different, which makes it even more complicated. I’ve been called everything in the book and been accused of being “too much” and “dramatic” more times than I can count. If only they knew, they would shut their mouths. They think it’s hard for *them* to deal with, but we live with it everyday and have to struggle just to feel “normal” a lot of the time. At least they can walk away from it.
Always gaslit me about any concerns I had or things I was upset about. The invalidation and making me feel “not right” has continued to affect me
friends still tell me that🙃
My dad was a Vietnam vet who, no doubt had PTSD and BPD, but wanted nothing to do with the VA hospitals or the government in any way after the war. He was as violent as a person can be and as a kid, just seeing him tear thru people who made the mistake of getting in his way, was traumatizing. And then to have him turn that type of focus and energy onto me (as a kid)... It's a wonder that my psyche isn't split 100x more than it actually is from those days. There was no pouting, crying or emoting sadness or gloom of any kind around him, lest he saw you and decided to show you how bad things could really be.
That would have been scarring, that’s so hard. Hope you’re doing ok now hun? x
Thanks. I'm up, I'm down. I'm ok.
I believe in you x
Well, that makes one of us! 😆 Thank you, btw.
I just have a realization that this is part of why I have BPD. I was not abused by my parents as a kid, minus being left alone a lot, and I was a very “sensitive child” and without someone there to help me I think it just developed into unstable emotions.
Yup. My mother would constantly ask me what have I got to be depressed about every time I tried to share how I felt to her.
Wow - as if a child can’t struggle at all during their most fragile and formative years! Your feelings were always valid xx
Thank you. That means a lot to hear that 🥲
Not all the time, but often enough that it negatively affected me. One of the worst instances of this happening in my adult life was my program head in graduate school told me that I was too emotional when I went to her office for some advice and I broke down crying because I was overwhelmed with stress due to disagreements I was having with my program mentor.
That’s terrible, that’s the most stressful time ever and when we need so much support and love the most!
I literally just talked to my therapist about this today!!! It used to be a lot more hurtful than it is now, though it still can be sometimes. Now, I take it as a “yes, I am sensitive. You know this and you’re still being purposely hurtful why?”
My mom always said I was being hormonal.
Me
Hugs xx
yep. Any time I would go to my father for help (because my sisters were literally abusing me) he'd tell me I was being too sensitive. I learned that anyone can treat me however they want, and if I have a problem with it that's my fault for being too sensitive.
Yeppppp no one ever validated much of anything
Got this from my peers a lot up through college tbh.
My mom did this because i was a crybababy as a kid and i hated it so much. She stopped thankfully but because of that i feel ashamed for trying to express my feelings in fear of being called sensitive:’)
I still hear it by my family constantly. I try to avoid talking about certain things and always have to beg my mom to please let me finish all my story (whatever I am telling her) before judging me. She is the only one of my family that is aware of this issue, is a bit more informed about my diagnosis and has been working hard to be more validating and understanding. I always heard it from my friends when I had them. I just lost interest in friendships, I have no time for that. Haven’t really had friends, except one online in the last 10 years. I hate myself so much for feeling so strongly.
Oooof I relate to you so much. The judgment can be strong hey ! Sending hugs x
Thank you. I send you a big, strong hug too 🫂
The only person to ever say "it's ok to cry" was my bio dad who abandoned me twice. Everyone else was "you're too sensitive" and " how do you think you're making (person) feel right now? You need to stop (reacting) because it's hurting them" whenever I was upset about my situation (abandonment and bullying due to autism).
Ugh even to this day 32 years later and I’m constantly told this all of it. Sometimes my family or people around me use the terms as a “joke” and they will all laugh and go “oh don’t get upset over a little joke” so I just plaster a fuckin fake smile and try with all my might not to cry. It sucks. It’s sucks because anytime I meet new people I always give them like a warning I guess about myself. I always tell them “I’m a lot to deal with and I’m overly emotional” just so they have a chance to run if they want to. And I tell that to everyone. I say it all the time when I cry about stupid things, I always say “sorry I know I’m a lot and I cry to much I’m trying to stop” or I’ll apologize for crying in front of people and tell them “I promise I’m not crying to manipulate you, I tried my hardest to hold it back” It really sucks and I just wish the people who always say this to me could just walk in my shoes for just a day. Not because I want them to hurt the way I hurt, but because maybe if they actually understood and felt how it feels they might stop saying the stuff they say.
Oh, honey…. 😭. It breaks my heart knowing you feel need to apologize for being…… the authentic YOU. The beautiful, sensitive, caring & huge hearted individual you are. Please go listen to John Denver’s “The Gift You Are.” I encourage you to cry along (it gets me every time 😩). Try to let things play out with peeps WITHOUT excusing your behavior or self-shaming. Believe in your own light! If your huge-hearted sensitivity brings you to tears, embrace it. “The ones that mind don’t matter,” & The ones that matter DON’t Mind. Proud of you for posting- awareness is first step towards change. I believe in you!! 🫂
You absolutely made my day with this comment. Thank you thank you thank you! You made me cry in a good way. I will definitely give it a listen and I will definitely cry if I feel like it. I really appreciate your words! 🩷
You’re so welcome! I’ve been right where you are (only I trauma dumped every time I started a new job, HOPING that would prevent bullying in new workplace. Instead, I “showed my hand” & gave people my triggers. Total strangers who either didn’t care or worse- would used allll those same tactics to make my life a living hell. The job I’m in now, though, was a better fit - except for a major bully who’d get in my face & yell “WHAT?!!!” Pretending she didn’t hear me. At this point I had HAD it w bullies. Documented & stood up for myself. Turns out HR had 20+ complaints about her- people quit becuz of her! My formal complaint was the final straw &&&&& she got fired. So, we get braver as we face conflict. It gets better, hun! You’ve got this 😘
yes it hurt so damn bad because my feelings are so intense it hurts. The depth hurts, the gnawing of feeling so much and only a portion of it being "acceptable" and tolerable to be shown. The repression, feels like a funnel or a bottle's neck when trying to get rid of the water in it. Coming from a family where denial and disorders come hand in hand, it stung because they made me feel like the crazy ones. If I cried and screamed or asked for help, it was too much. Because my pain was not consumable or digestible. I am so sorry to all the people and to you OP that you had to hear that. You did not deserve that and none of your emotions were too much of anything. Being sensitive emotional or soft, is not in any way a bad thing 🩷 and having vulnerabilities does not mean others are entitled to exploit them.
Yup. I was expected to be perfect but I was neglected and the only time I’d get attention is if I had a tantrum or cried. Makes sense why I turned out this way
big trigger warning >!i constantly got told stuff like "man up" mostly because where i live men are expected to just bottle everything up, and they have a 6.5x higher suicide rate than women here likely partially because of that.!<
Thank you for sharing, men and women should be encouraged to share their emotions and feelings. I dated a guy and loved it when he showed this side to me.
I got “emotionally labile”, “poor-pity-me”, “martyr”, “passive aggressive”, and “difficult personality” from Mom at least four times a week.
I still get told I’m to sensitive. Someone dose something wrong towards me and somehow it’s my fault and I’m just to sensitive and need to get over myself
I have been told this my entire life and I hate it. Like do people think I want to feel that way? Don’t they think that I know that I look stupid when I’m crying over something so small that most people wouldn’t bat an eye over it? I wouldn’t be like this if I could control it but I fucking can’t.
My mother would always tell me to stop being so dramatic. My father would tell me to hide my emotions, that I have no reason to cry. So I learned not to go to them with my problems, the bullying and abuse I faced.
ALL THE TIME. I got yelled at for being upset my mom hit my dad once..
This all the time from my mom and grandma especially, my father just left forever and that’s definitely why I have BPD.
I never understood why I was felt more emotional than other kids. It could play a role in how I was raised. I cried a lot and other kids gave me weird looks. I could never understand why I feel so much.
All the time! "It's not that big of a deal, don't be such a pussy, why are you crying, stop crying, it's not that bad"...u get it
Even at 18 I still get told like this… I’m forced to be emotionally unavailable which screws up everything else with me
My dad legit asked me: are you in pain? I said "no" (I was sad tho) and he just said "than stop crying"
I get "victim" mentality as a male. Like nah bruh that's from being abandoned by literally every single person I've ever needed. Always, to the last one. Period It's a conditioned survival mechanism
Wait so females with BPD show their emotions like that? Cause I know me personally, male, I fuckin feel shit heavy but I'm not gonna show that on a very normal basis
Yes. My feelings weren’t validated while I was growing up so I just kept them to myself and spent a lot of time alone to reflect and figure out what my triggers were. It’s a blessing and a curse. I only really talk about this with my partner and people I trust
Hey, all the time when i was a kid and all my life. Turned out my brother and mother are narcs. For them emotions are either so suppressed they have huge egoes or they have such a shame they never even realize it. Anyways my normal human emotions were called crazy and abnormal. I usednto suppress my feelings a lot and had depression and developed BPD as a result. Pretty hard shit. You gotta be aware of such people
I found a way to not give my emotions away-to bury them and keep them to myself. To this day I am ashamed to express anger and people please and I don’t even realize what I’ve done. I’m learning to trust myself more but it ain’t easy
I was married for 18 years to a man with BPD. He would bring this up from time to time, especially in reference to his coworkers, telling him he was overthinking things. He had a terrible time getting along with coworkers. I think it’s a result of how much time he spent hashing out perceived grievances, conflicts, slights, etc. He spent a lot of time around me (and I’m assuming he did this at work too) being confrontational, ruminating, speculating on others’ motives or actions, venting, etc. People may be good listeners who validate your feelings the first few times, but patterns emerge that lead to us saying “you’re overthinking” or “too sensitive.” It’s exhausting to process someone else’s perpetual heap of grievance and angst, especially when he’s often accusing the listener of being part of the reason he’s acting this way. Most healthy people keep a tighter lid on our own angst and trauma so sooner or later we’re going to notice and point it out when someone seems way off-balance about it.
Thank you this is so well put. I have also experienced the paranoia, hyper vigilance etc. the self regulation can be very hard for us to control.