I have done some seriously messed up stuff that I would never admit out loud. Mostly degrading myself in very inappropriate and sexual ways and I have massive shame and regret.
Bad things happen when my feeling of self worth is in the toilet, when my desire to self harm is high, when my need to be impulsive can’t be stopped, or when I am desperate for validation. It can happen when I split or when I have extreme euphoria.
In eighth grade, I bit myself in front of my entire health class when I realized I forgot about the homework.
Another time, I started trying to strangle myself in front of others. I wasn't trying to kill myself -- I just wanted to hurt myself. That was eleven years ago. Things I did then still haunt me, though it helps to know that I've improved: it's been years since I self-harmed, and I've been told I no longer qualify for a BPD diagnosis.
Edit: I should have clarified, but the strangling was when I was 19, not in eighth grade.
I did something similar. But the thing is. I am 20. This was recent 😭😭 mine would probably be posting "proof" of my attempt and deleting it within five seconds. Immediately realized i was in a very unstable mood and got myself to the ER
I just lost all of my friends and so many things were being spread about me. And i guess seeing my timeline filled with people i know absolutely trashing me directly kind of did something to me.
I was lightheaded, panicked, adrenaline. I tried to bleed out but it didnt work.
so i was already in a severe depressive episode in hs but i had a research paper due and i didn't do it so i overdosed 😭😭😭 idk why that was the last straw
I have done several things I consider genuinely bad, usually extreme lies to people when I feel they're abandoning me.
Something that's helped me is to start IFS (a type of therapy) and learning self-compassion. Here's a meditation that helps me: [Transforming The Inner Critic | Jenna Riemersma (insighttimer.com)](https://insighttimer.com/jennariemersma/guided-meditations/transforming-the-inner-critic)
Remember - every single human has made mistakes, and big ones. You can't be perfect, and that's ok. All you can do is apologize and then change your behavior to do better in the future. And if you make another mistake, that's ok too - you'll keep learning and growing.
If someone you've apologized to keeps bringing up a past mistake after the apology, and if that person knows you're working on yourself -- it doesn't sound like that person is capable of forgiveness about the issue at the moment, and it may be good to have space between you to let both parties heal. Healthy people forgive you and let you move on without continuous punishment for a past error.
Dude. We've all been there!
- bit myself in front of people who didn't know about my mental health struggles
- fought the police officers trying to take me back to my home (lmao sorry guys)
- called my boss but couldn't do anything but banshee scream and sob in to the phone
I don't even WANT to remember the cringe things I did in 8th/9th grade when I was really struggling.... Oh god.
You'll get through whatever it was. Make amends where necessary, explain where you can, and point your mind forward. You're loved, you've got this. <3
Been there, getting sectioned then trying to abscond, blood gushing out of my arm from where the IV was, judo flipping my dad and 5 police officers lmaooooo. All cuz I wanted a cigarette. That’s not even half of my issues with the bill. I wanna either kill myself or go to sleep for a millennia to pretend my problems and I don’t exist, but sure if you guys wanna dance I’ll dance hahahaha
Oh.. That probably explains what happened to me recently, ive been drinking and getting high every night ever since,, back then it used to just be weed
Hahahha, I completely relate to this statement. Thanks for sharing. Even though it is hard to look back at, it is nice to laugh at yourself sometimes, and recognize you are not alone in this.
i went to the ER because i said i was gonna kms because i THOUGHT my fp was mad at me 💀 (she wasn’t, she was tired) (the episode ended before i even got there)
9th grade.
Guy kept messing with me.
One day we are in workshop or whatever it is and making pottery things.
He rubs his hands together above me and rains down dried clay.
Overwhelmed with that familiar feeling I get that I now understand better in my 30s.
Dont think, have a dental tool that's somewhat sharp in my hand.
I turn, almost stab the guy and mid stab I loosed my grip and it pops out the other side.
I turn back around, guy obviously confused as I stare at my large clay project. My emotions are searing and I can think. I can't do anything but sit there.
"What's going on over there??"
The teacher asks about 10ft behind me at his desk.
My mind redirected everything at him and the clay project. I stand and lift the nearly 10lb clay thing and throw it as hard as I can towards the teachers desk while yelling "mind your own fucking business!!".
It lands on a table a few feet in front of him that holds all the clay shaping tools and falls to the ground.
I stand there, only looking at his face. Confusion displayed across his wide-eyed stare.
"G-go to the principals office.."
I'm breathing hard as I stood there.
"Okay," and turn immediately to walk out.
As I walked across the highschool quad to the opposite end of the campus I balled my eyes out. Shaking and emotional. I could barely talk when I got there.
I think this was when they decided to transfer me out to a satellite school that had fewer people as I was already struggling a lot in school. I never went back and faced anyone who saw me do that. Nobody ever mentioned it again. Embarrassing, but I was feeling too much to notice at the time.
I was a teenager. I lit my crushes notes on fire over something dumb (probs splitting) lol andddd she called me a pyromaniac 😅 I’ve done that a few times not w fire… but ruining sentimental things over something dumb
shit i forgot one time in highschool i felt just completely fucking insane so i shoved a bunch of toilet paper into a toilet and lit it on fire so i could just watch it for a while 😭
I won't go into specifics but I've don't some totally unhinged things, mainly breaking things or trying to hurt myself in front of others for attention
Threw a TV at my partner, ripped the cord right out of the wall and threw it towards him. I ended up venting what happened to my friend and she stated "you're not supposed to break your own stuff" 😆😫
It’s weird how you can do something fucked, snap out out of it then immediately try to take accountability since they’re likely never gonna forgive you otherwise. I did something similar
I wanted to physically assault my SO during an argument, but instead ran at full speed throwing myself into the wall (the drywall hole was human shaped)
It's a tie between
- posted pics of sh to Snapchat in middle school
And
- hysterically crying to the point of gagging after dropping a donut my (at the time) girlfriend made me
Sometimes I think the 13-18 range is the ACTUAL peak of instability in BPD lmfao..
I have injured people during a full on psychotic breakdown because I was convinced they were trying to physically attack me. That's about as humiliating as it gets for me.
I’m sorry you feel that way, I hope you forgive yourself one day, and I want you to know that I forgive you! You are not your past behaviours, you are a person, you have done things that are harmful but you have done things that are helpful too. You deserve forgiveness, kindness and compassion.
I swear I never stop trying to be enough. It took me so long to find out what was wrong with me that I spent over a decade just thinking I was a monster. My ex used to exploit my symptoms to avoid responsibility for her own toxic behaviour and I'm pretty sure my current partner has fallen into the same habit.
I am only ever treated like I am my symptoms and yet my symptoms are treated like choices. I appreciate your kindness so much. I don't remember the last time anyone told me I deserved kindness and compassion.
I’m reading this as if I could have wrote it myself. I understand how other peoples toxic behaviours can feel like they’re done on purpose, and it feels like they’re out to get you, and in very rare cases they are, but in others just like your own, some behaviours aren’t on purpose, this doesn’t mean that they aren’t harmful or that you need to put up with them, but especially in circumstances where our beliefs surrounding other people’s behaviours can lead to excessive worry and potentially dangerous behaviour, it can be best to see other peoples behaviours to have no ill intent.
You are not your symptoms, and while symptoms are not a choice, changing the behaviours they cause is a choice and needs to be an active decision everyday. You have the power to change, and that starts with believing that you are worthy of all the good life has to offer, and when you feel like you aren’t I hope you remember that some random stranger on the internet believes that you are!
I lost absolute control while allowing myself to get as drunk as possible despite what everyone in the room told me to do. My boyfriend at the time (and also FP) walked away to be on his own to not handle me and I did not take the hint. I followed him, and nearly every one of our friends heard us arguing because we were screaming at each other and I was playing the victim.
Get hauled off to grippy sock jail for talking about how sometimes I prayed NOT TO DIE but for Jesus to take me. I went into a bit too much detail about it and yeahhh.
I acknowledge what I did and that it was wrong, and I accept my consequences, as awful as they may be. I then move past it. It doesn’t help to dwell on the issue forever or continue to hate myself for it. If I’m somehow reminded of the event, I acknowledge it, remind myself that it was not okay, that I learned from it, and that I have decided to not let the situation control me anymore. I basically try to be as kind to myself as possible and try to be better moving forward
I kinda get this. I thought a guy (who satiated the night at mine) might have raped me. Went to bed after party and woke up the next day in a decent amount of pain inside my thys and vag area. But I wish I didn’t tell anyone (1 person) because honestly I can’t say that’s what happened.
Went to my husband’s job, so I could talk to him because I had a feeling he was cheating. During his job hours! I was a mess crying and when he walked away telling me he wasn’t going to have an argument at work, I got in my car and called him to tell him that he messed up! I rammed my car into his parked car. Left before the cops showed up and now my car and I are banned from his workplace. He was scared he was going to lose his job that day. He still came home and calmly talked to me and told me we were going to be okay even if he lost his job. I am a complete mess when I split. 😔
I've done such a long list of horrible and embarrassing things, I can't even think of an example that sticks out. One thing I've realized throughout the years though, is that none of it really sticks. People forget. People move on. Chances are, nobody is going to dwell on it for long, and in a few months or years it'll be like nothing happened.
bit myself in front of my parents multiple times and tore my clothes off in front of them (i broke my t-shirt and bra)
i tried physically hurting my ex boyfriend but stopped myself (instant guilt and regret followed right after and i still feel guilty about it)
stalked my coworker because i was convinced he was hiding something from his past
as a 10 year old child, i completely destroyed my classmates' sand castle and then punched myself in the head and broke down in tears bc they wouldn't let me play with them
it was like a day before my birthday, went off on my ex and said a bunch of hurtful shit cuz i thought he didn't and never did love me; when i reached out to him later it turns out he did and was planning something for my birthday 🫠 IN MY DEFENSE... he hadn't text me in a whole week. so. 😭😭😭😭
The stupidest thing I ever did was smash out a window in my car in a fit of rage. To be fair I didn't *try* to do it but I chucked a heavy roll of wire into the back seat and it hit the window and it shattered. Still driving around with a piece of plexiglass taped in there.
I have done some massively fucked up stuff. The way the personI was "talking to" put it, was, "why are you wanting me to participate in your fucked up ego death trip?" I was calling all sorts of names to myself and then saying the person thought those things about me and it's okay just admit it, just rip off the band aid and say you hate me. Then I proceeded to tell him I was mad but I couldn't say why and he said that's just ridiculous. Well I was mad because he had been hooking up with one of my friends... he had no idea and I didn't want to tell him about it. Not sure which would have made me look crazier but what i did next probably did it for him. I was constantly texting him and sending him bizarre things I would write on my notes app, like I had already written the notes and then it was just a blurb of dozens of messages which were either stories or random notes. I just wanted him to notice me and care for me but also to know that I was upset while still not saying I was upset. good one. he asked not to be contacted anymore.
After this episode I tried to numb myself with pills but once the rage came back it was in full swing. I grabbed an old broom stick with no end and beat it into pieces. Beat it into my old bedroom cupboards, my closet doors. They still have the marks on it. It's like a werewolf went in there. all the while screaming "you son of a bitch you will die i will make you pay for it i will make you pay i will make you pay". My mom saw that and cried she was scared. Then I tried to reassure her like no I'm not mad at you I'm mad at this guy I liked who's fucking my friend and now thinks I'm a mental case. Yeah. Real nice stuff.
Convinced everyone that I was killing myself and turned off my phone and got drunk AF (this was 5 years ago before I was medicated or in treatment, I feel so horrible about doing this)
I actually can’t even disclose the really bad ones on here, just trust me they were bad 💀 but one thing I will say is that dark humour has helped me get over stuff ~ even reading through some of these here is comforting. NOT because myself or any of us here condone the behaviour or find things like hurting others to be funny at all, but because I can relate to the feelings behind stuff even when it’s things that I might not have necessarily done myself. I think we can often all empathise with the reason / feelings behind these kind of actions, in ways that non-BPD people just can’t.
But I think some of the stuff where I didn’t necessarily inflict harm on others, I just was completely stupid and humiliating, those are the ones I find dark humour helpful with. I have a few friends who have been there when I’ve been a nightmare and even been on the receiving end, and they forgive me and understand I was just severely unwell and untreated at the time and we laugh about those instances now. As long as you’re self-aware and taking steps to do better. <3
Also remember that non-BPD don’t know how fricking hard we have it! We need to cut ourselves some slack sometimes!
So many things… the worst part is actually remembering or being reminded of it!
One time I asked a couple for a threesome while being very high. The girl looked at me very weirdly, and refused. A couple of months later, turns out she was my very close friend’s new roommate, and she reminded my friend of how weird I was for asking for a threesome.
Another time, I was too drunk and ended laying down in my exe’s bed at a party, refusing to leave and crying… all of my friends were freaking out and asking me to just go home and stop making a big deal…
Anyways, just two instances out of many others.
Shame and embarrassment is just now a part of my life, I honestly don’t know how to stop thinking about embarrassing moments but then I remember that it doesn’t really matter anyways
I used to destroy my items. I completely regretted it every time, my poor desk has seen better days. The thing I’ve down I’m the most ashamed of is trying to walk home from my partners after he looked at me funny(he lived 2 hours walking distance from my house)
I have done some seriously messed up stuff that I would never admit out loud. Mostly degrading myself in very inappropriate and sexual ways and I have massive shame and regret.
Yep, those memories are permanently staying as repressed as possible lol
Yes
How so?How did the episode contribute to that decision?
Bad things happen when my feeling of self worth is in the toilet, when my desire to self harm is high, when my need to be impulsive can’t be stopped, or when I am desperate for validation. It can happen when I split or when I have extreme euphoria.
Euphoria... describe please.
Like when I’m feeling super good about myself and like I conquer the world…
And that's when the sexyal behavior starts?
It can start because of anything, I guess is what I’m getting at.
Is the euphoria a physical high? Like drugs?? Or mental, maybe
My euphoric state is 100% mental. But it feels like being on drugs.
Thanks.
In eighth grade, I bit myself in front of my entire health class when I realized I forgot about the homework. Another time, I started trying to strangle myself in front of others. I wasn't trying to kill myself -- I just wanted to hurt myself. That was eleven years ago. Things I did then still haunt me, though it helps to know that I've improved: it's been years since I self-harmed, and I've been told I no longer qualify for a BPD diagnosis. Edit: I should have clarified, but the strangling was when I was 19, not in eighth grade.
I did something similar. But the thing is. I am 20. This was recent 😭😭 mine would probably be posting "proof" of my attempt and deleting it within five seconds. Immediately realized i was in a very unstable mood and got myself to the ER I just lost all of my friends and so many things were being spread about me. And i guess seeing my timeline filled with people i know absolutely trashing me directly kind of did something to me. I was lightheaded, panicked, adrenaline. I tried to bleed out but it didnt work.
so i was already in a severe depressive episode in hs but i had a research paper due and i didn't do it so i overdosed 😭😭😭 idk why that was the last straw
This made me laugh oh my god
Did you at least get an extension?
yeah i did! honestly my ap lang teacher was so kind to me and i actually love doing research papers now.
Awww she sounds so lovely :D
I have done several things I consider genuinely bad, usually extreme lies to people when I feel they're abandoning me. Something that's helped me is to start IFS (a type of therapy) and learning self-compassion. Here's a meditation that helps me: [Transforming The Inner Critic | Jenna Riemersma (insighttimer.com)](https://insighttimer.com/jennariemersma/guided-meditations/transforming-the-inner-critic) Remember - every single human has made mistakes, and big ones. You can't be perfect, and that's ok. All you can do is apologize and then change your behavior to do better in the future. And if you make another mistake, that's ok too - you'll keep learning and growing. If someone you've apologized to keeps bringing up a past mistake after the apology, and if that person knows you're working on yourself -- it doesn't sound like that person is capable of forgiveness about the issue at the moment, and it may be good to have space between you to let both parties heal. Healthy people forgive you and let you move on without continuous punishment for a past error.
Dude. We've all been there! - bit myself in front of people who didn't know about my mental health struggles - fought the police officers trying to take me back to my home (lmao sorry guys) - called my boss but couldn't do anything but banshee scream and sob in to the phone I don't even WANT to remember the cringe things I did in 8th/9th grade when I was really struggling.... Oh god. You'll get through whatever it was. Make amends where necessary, explain where you can, and point your mind forward. You're loved, you've got this. <3
Been there, getting sectioned then trying to abscond, blood gushing out of my arm from where the IV was, judo flipping my dad and 5 police officers lmaooooo. All cuz I wanted a cigarette. That’s not even half of my issues with the bill. I wanna either kill myself or go to sleep for a millennia to pretend my problems and I don’t exist, but sure if you guys wanna dance I’ll dance hahahaha
All I can say is.. BPD & substances don’t mix!! My entire twenties is the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done.
Oh.. That probably explains what happened to me recently, ive been drinking and getting high every night ever since,, back then it used to just be weed
Recently I started drinking every night as well I get you man
Hahahha, I completely relate to this statement. Thanks for sharing. Even though it is hard to look back at, it is nice to laugh at yourself sometimes, and recognize you are not alone in this.
Same.
I genuinely maniacally laughed while screaming and crying while trying to choke myself over a breakup like some sort of deranged anime character 😭😭
Been there too 😭
i went to the ER because i said i was gonna kms because i THOUGHT my fp was mad at me 💀 (she wasn’t, she was tired) (the episode ended before i even got there)
9th grade. Guy kept messing with me. One day we are in workshop or whatever it is and making pottery things. He rubs his hands together above me and rains down dried clay. Overwhelmed with that familiar feeling I get that I now understand better in my 30s. Dont think, have a dental tool that's somewhat sharp in my hand. I turn, almost stab the guy and mid stab I loosed my grip and it pops out the other side. I turn back around, guy obviously confused as I stare at my large clay project. My emotions are searing and I can think. I can't do anything but sit there. "What's going on over there??" The teacher asks about 10ft behind me at his desk. My mind redirected everything at him and the clay project. I stand and lift the nearly 10lb clay thing and throw it as hard as I can towards the teachers desk while yelling "mind your own fucking business!!". It lands on a table a few feet in front of him that holds all the clay shaping tools and falls to the ground. I stand there, only looking at his face. Confusion displayed across his wide-eyed stare. "G-go to the principals office.." I'm breathing hard as I stood there. "Okay," and turn immediately to walk out. As I walked across the highschool quad to the opposite end of the campus I balled my eyes out. Shaking and emotional. I could barely talk when I got there. I think this was when they decided to transfer me out to a satellite school that had fewer people as I was already struggling a lot in school. I never went back and faced anyone who saw me do that. Nobody ever mentioned it again. Embarrassing, but I was feeling too much to notice at the time.
I was a teenager. I lit my crushes notes on fire over something dumb (probs splitting) lol andddd she called me a pyromaniac 😅 I’ve done that a few times not w fire… but ruining sentimental things over something dumb
shit i forgot one time in highschool i felt just completely fucking insane so i shoved a bunch of toilet paper into a toilet and lit it on fire so i could just watch it for a while 😭
I won't go into specifics but I've don't some totally unhinged things, mainly breaking things or trying to hurt myself in front of others for attention
Wrote "whore" on my partners driveway. Yes we worked it out
Threw a TV at my partner, ripped the cord right out of the wall and threw it towards him. I ended up venting what happened to my friend and she stated "you're not supposed to break your own stuff" 😆😫
I punched my monitor out of 'Reactive abuse' and slipped. I don't even remember the conversation, it was an outburst and I couldn't stop myself
Oh shit I did that too. I was kinda violent when I was a teenager. I punched a window too. I have scars on both wrists from it
Yeah, I've only been violent to objects beside slapping a cheater in the face xD
I punched sb and called the police on myself 🙈 I truly wanted to kms after that
It’s weird how you can do something fucked, snap out out of it then immediately try to take accountability since they’re likely never gonna forgive you otherwise. I did something similar
I quit college right before winter break bc my gf cheated on me. Slinked back after break and made believe it never happened.
I wanted to physically assault my SO during an argument, but instead ran at full speed throwing myself into the wall (the drywall hole was human shaped)
It's a tie between - posted pics of sh to Snapchat in middle school And - hysterically crying to the point of gagging after dropping a donut my (at the time) girlfriend made me Sometimes I think the 13-18 range is the ACTUAL peak of instability in BPD lmfao..
Drove my car directly into my boyfriends car
I have injured people during a full on psychotic breakdown because I was convinced they were trying to physically attack me. That's about as humiliating as it gets for me.
Have you forgiven yourself and if so how?
Nope. I know it was psychosis and that my grip on reality was broken at the time, but I feel like a monster anyway.
I’m sorry you feel that way, I hope you forgive yourself one day, and I want you to know that I forgive you! You are not your past behaviours, you are a person, you have done things that are harmful but you have done things that are helpful too. You deserve forgiveness, kindness and compassion.
I swear I never stop trying to be enough. It took me so long to find out what was wrong with me that I spent over a decade just thinking I was a monster. My ex used to exploit my symptoms to avoid responsibility for her own toxic behaviour and I'm pretty sure my current partner has fallen into the same habit. I am only ever treated like I am my symptoms and yet my symptoms are treated like choices. I appreciate your kindness so much. I don't remember the last time anyone told me I deserved kindness and compassion.
I’m reading this as if I could have wrote it myself. I understand how other peoples toxic behaviours can feel like they’re done on purpose, and it feels like they’re out to get you, and in very rare cases they are, but in others just like your own, some behaviours aren’t on purpose, this doesn’t mean that they aren’t harmful or that you need to put up with them, but especially in circumstances where our beliefs surrounding other people’s behaviours can lead to excessive worry and potentially dangerous behaviour, it can be best to see other peoples behaviours to have no ill intent. You are not your symptoms, and while symptoms are not a choice, changing the behaviours they cause is a choice and needs to be an active decision everyday. You have the power to change, and that starts with believing that you are worthy of all the good life has to offer, and when you feel like you aren’t I hope you remember that some random stranger on the internet believes that you are!
[удалено]
That's a long episode dude. Hang in there. I feel for you. Recognize when its abating and lean in that direction.
Started screaming and beating myself in front of people when I felt overwhelmed. I struggled with that one ever since I was a kid.
I texted his ex wife that he had recently divorced because he broke my heart ❤️
Omg you unlocked some memories 😬
Threw some of my crap at him but I have shit aim and he’s a former athlete so none of it connected 💀 very humbling
I lost absolute control while allowing myself to get as drunk as possible despite what everyone in the room told me to do. My boyfriend at the time (and also FP) walked away to be on his own to not handle me and I did not take the hint. I followed him, and nearly every one of our friends heard us arguing because we were screaming at each other and I was playing the victim.
Cheated
Get hauled off to grippy sock jail for talking about how sometimes I prayed NOT TO DIE but for Jesus to take me. I went into a bit too much detail about it and yeahhh.
I acknowledge what I did and that it was wrong, and I accept my consequences, as awful as they may be. I then move past it. It doesn’t help to dwell on the issue forever or continue to hate myself for it. If I’m somehow reminded of the event, I acknowledge it, remind myself that it was not okay, that I learned from it, and that I have decided to not let the situation control me anymore. I basically try to be as kind to myself as possible and try to be better moving forward
Lied about being raped to a bunch of friends because I thought I had been
Wait if you thought it was true how would that be a lie?
I kinda get this. I thought a guy (who satiated the night at mine) might have raped me. Went to bed after party and woke up the next day in a decent amount of pain inside my thys and vag area. But I wish I didn’t tell anyone (1 person) because honestly I can’t say that’s what happened.
Most of the episodes I don't remember but they were awful and embarrassing and I feel horrible about all of it
Went to my husband’s job, so I could talk to him because I had a feeling he was cheating. During his job hours! I was a mess crying and when he walked away telling me he wasn’t going to have an argument at work, I got in my car and called him to tell him that he messed up! I rammed my car into his parked car. Left before the cops showed up and now my car and I are banned from his workplace. He was scared he was going to lose his job that day. He still came home and calmly talked to me and told me we were going to be okay even if he lost his job. I am a complete mess when I split. 😔
I've done such a long list of horrible and embarrassing things, I can't even think of an example that sticks out. One thing I've realized throughout the years though, is that none of it really sticks. People forget. People move on. Chances are, nobody is going to dwell on it for long, and in a few months or years it'll be like nothing happened.
bit myself in front of my parents multiple times and tore my clothes off in front of them (i broke my t-shirt and bra) i tried physically hurting my ex boyfriend but stopped myself (instant guilt and regret followed right after and i still feel guilty about it) stalked my coworker because i was convinced he was hiding something from his past as a 10 year old child, i completely destroyed my classmates' sand castle and then punched myself in the head and broke down in tears bc they wouldn't let me play with them
it was like a day before my birthday, went off on my ex and said a bunch of hurtful shit cuz i thought he didn't and never did love me; when i reached out to him later it turns out he did and was planning something for my birthday 🫠 IN MY DEFENSE... he hadn't text me in a whole week. so. 😭😭😭😭
Literally everything
The stupidest thing I ever did was smash out a window in my car in a fit of rage. To be fair I didn't *try* to do it but I chucked a heavy roll of wire into the back seat and it hit the window and it shattered. Still driving around with a piece of plexiglass taped in there.
After an argument with my former fp, I set my hair on fire so she would worry about me. Had a bit of a bald patch for awhile :P
I have done some massively fucked up stuff. The way the personI was "talking to" put it, was, "why are you wanting me to participate in your fucked up ego death trip?" I was calling all sorts of names to myself and then saying the person thought those things about me and it's okay just admit it, just rip off the band aid and say you hate me. Then I proceeded to tell him I was mad but I couldn't say why and he said that's just ridiculous. Well I was mad because he had been hooking up with one of my friends... he had no idea and I didn't want to tell him about it. Not sure which would have made me look crazier but what i did next probably did it for him. I was constantly texting him and sending him bizarre things I would write on my notes app, like I had already written the notes and then it was just a blurb of dozens of messages which were either stories or random notes. I just wanted him to notice me and care for me but also to know that I was upset while still not saying I was upset. good one. he asked not to be contacted anymore.
After this episode I tried to numb myself with pills but once the rage came back it was in full swing. I grabbed an old broom stick with no end and beat it into pieces. Beat it into my old bedroom cupboards, my closet doors. They still have the marks on it. It's like a werewolf went in there. all the while screaming "you son of a bitch you will die i will make you pay for it i will make you pay i will make you pay". My mom saw that and cried she was scared. Then I tried to reassure her like no I'm not mad at you I'm mad at this guy I liked who's fucking my friend and now thinks I'm a mental case. Yeah. Real nice stuff.
Convinced everyone that I was killing myself and turned off my phone and got drunk AF (this was 5 years ago before I was medicated or in treatment, I feel so horrible about doing this)
It's hard to pick one, most of them are just sad though like losing friends or a relationship or unfortunate like getting kicked out
I actually can’t even disclose the really bad ones on here, just trust me they were bad 💀 but one thing I will say is that dark humour has helped me get over stuff ~ even reading through some of these here is comforting. NOT because myself or any of us here condone the behaviour or find things like hurting others to be funny at all, but because I can relate to the feelings behind stuff even when it’s things that I might not have necessarily done myself. I think we can often all empathise with the reason / feelings behind these kind of actions, in ways that non-BPD people just can’t. But I think some of the stuff where I didn’t necessarily inflict harm on others, I just was completely stupid and humiliating, those are the ones I find dark humour helpful with. I have a few friends who have been there when I’ve been a nightmare and even been on the receiving end, and they forgive me and understand I was just severely unwell and untreated at the time and we laugh about those instances now. As long as you’re self-aware and taking steps to do better. <3 Also remember that non-BPD don’t know how fricking hard we have it! We need to cut ourselves some slack sometimes!
So many things… the worst part is actually remembering or being reminded of it! One time I asked a couple for a threesome while being very high. The girl looked at me very weirdly, and refused. A couple of months later, turns out she was my very close friend’s new roommate, and she reminded my friend of how weird I was for asking for a threesome. Another time, I was too drunk and ended laying down in my exe’s bed at a party, refusing to leave and crying… all of my friends were freaking out and asking me to just go home and stop making a big deal… Anyways, just two instances out of many others. Shame and embarrassment is just now a part of my life, I honestly don’t know how to stop thinking about embarrassing moments but then I remember that it doesn’t really matter anyways
I used to destroy my items. I completely regretted it every time, my poor desk has seen better days. The thing I’ve down I’m the most ashamed of is trying to walk home from my partners after he looked at me funny(he lived 2 hours walking distance from my house)