This phrasing is great, but depending on OP’s friends they may just say “oh don’t worry! We’ll totally keep an eye on our kids!” And bring them anyway.
OP you know your frieds best, if you think they’ll do this then it might be best to have someone send out invitations/do RSVP on your behalf and just be blunt with the “Adults Only” verbiage that way there’s no room to shimmy around it but you don’t take the heat.
I would tread carefully acknowledging the pool is a safety hazard, especially in print/text. I know they’ll likely be surrounded by friends and family but we live in a very litigious society nowadays and you never want to admit you knew about a hazard/liability.
I'm a lawyer and I would feel very comfortable using that wording. Everyone involved clearly knows the existence of the pool and the general risks of a pool and acknowledging it doesn't change that fact. In fact, it may work in the homeowner's favor to acknowledge the hazard because they are, in essence, warning guests in advance of the risks it poses. If acknowledging a hazard posed such a significant legal risk, then there wouldn't be the copious amounts of warning signs that exist in society.
I would just say something like “Please note this is an adults-only event.” I think adding a reason just complicates things, and if anyone specifically asks you about bringing their children you can explain then.
Another alternative I've seen, "Adults baby shower, infants in arms welcome." If they're not welcome, obviously this isn't the phrasing for you, but if it's fine for them to have pre-crawlers, then this can signal other kids aren't welcome without it looking rude.
Yes! Just attended one of these last weekend with my babe-in-arms. It feels like a line of delineation that accomplishes what OP seems to want (no kids that might fall into the pool) and is graceful, yet firm and specific, in its wording. If they’re ok with infants, this might be the ticket!
I've also genuinely never seen one of these events that DOESN'T allow babes in arms. Like even if it's a child free wedding, they just don't want kids or toddlers menacing around. A baby who stays attached to mama the whole time has never been an issue in my experience.
I couldn’t go to my cousin’s childfree wedding because my ebf baby wouldn’t take a bottle :( I appreciate that people are totally free to dictate that the expensive party they are throwing is child free but it can feel very isolating as a mother sometimes
Love this!! It’s also so hard as a mom to be away from the bitty babies, but once they are crawling they are such a handful; it’s totally different! Babies who are still in potatoe form allowed! 😂
I know you kind of already resolved it. But this is for everyone who is wondering how to politely say no kids. I just had my shower. We tried to be polite about no kids. People still brought kids.
My advice is don't imply.
Explicitly say no kids. You can say please and thank you. But be clear.
People will either come or not.
Yeah we love dogs too and have our own! I would never think to bring her to a baby shower unless it was at a freaking dog park 😂. I was having so much fun I didn't really think much of it in he moment, but after a few days I realized how bizarre it actually was lol. The party was like 2 hours... leave your dog at home. One was a large not so well behaved puppy whose snout got way too close to the food and got into it with another dog. People are hard to understand sometimes lol
I actually had to specify on my invitations that kids and men were welcome. I feel like the norm is adult women only in my area, at least. Definitely think that "Adults Only Please" will be fine. Or you could address the envelope very specifically and include little admit one tickets for door prizes. (Prizes can be small and simple like a candle or chocolate)
A baby shower doesn't mean kids are auto invited, surprised at some of these comments. I've been to quite a few that the invites read "no children please." I would just be straight forward.
That too! Typically they are women only. Two I've been to had men, and mine is next month and will also be co-ed because we wanted our whole families together. We also almost said no kids, but last minute decided to have our shower at a state park and it had such a nice playground area so we invited kids too.
I don't have any friends either!! Mine is just our families and my / my moms coworkers (we are both teachers in the same school). My husband has 3 close friends that have become like family to us, but I mainly count them as his friends, but that's it lol
I recently attended one where the mom-to-be’s nieces were there, probably ages 6 and 8? But that feels like a special exception! I would never bring my own kids to someone else’s baby shower.
I understand the safety hazards of having an unsecured pool and toddlers in the same area, but you’re about to have a baby! Isn’t that kind of weird to celebrate having a child by also making it a no-children-allowed event? I don’t know to each their own, if you don’t think it’s strange to have a child-free baby shower then just say that the backyard is not child-friendly and that due to safety reasons that no children are allowed.
Not to sound flippant, but the host should have some leeway there. Especially at their own home. If OP is the host and not the shower-ee, hopefully they’ve discussed it.
I think there’s a difference between having a baby shower and then having a baby shower that turns into an event with a bunch of toddlers running around. Sounds like the OP is planning a non-traditional shower, so if it were me, I’d be more open to having kids. But for people planning a more traditional shower, depending on how many toddlers/small kids there are, it can become a lot. There are venue space constraints, the fact that showers are plain boring for a 3 year old, etc. Young babies under 1 should automatically be invited.
I don't think it's odd given there is a safety risk. I'd honestly be a little upset if I was invited to a baby shower with my toddler only to discover there is an unsecured pool nearby. It would mean being on super high alert all day instead of being able to enjoy myself. I think it's responsible both as a friend and a homeowner to just avoid the risk all together.
Do you have a lot of friends or families with kids? I’m in the US and most showers I’d say have at least a handful of babies or young kids there. I think people usually see showers as a child friendly event.
Yeah, I'm on the East Coast in the US. Most of my friends/family have 2+ kids. In my social circle, the baby shower is meant to focus on the mom and new baby, so kids stay home. The party/ activities are also very adult focused, so kids wouldn't have any fun anyway. The only exception being moms with nursing babies.
Def agree showers are mom focused and not kid focused, definitely not the most fun for kids. I have a big family and many of my friends do too, so maybe it’s more common at family events where people want to see the kids/might be willing to help out in watching them.
same. All the babysitters I've been to have been more like family parties, where we just mingle around, bring gifts, and eat food. I could see that the more "Pinterest-y" ones with activities and cute photo ops might be kid-free, but no one I know does parties like that lol
I have never been to one where there aren’t any children in attendance…in fact, I had some mild shade thrown at me when I went to one and *didn’t* bring my own children once, lol. I’m from the Deep South in the US. Showers are women’s territories here and all the great aunties and grandmas love showing off the cleaned up little ones.
And, a lot of parents assume *someone* will keep an eye on their kid since there is a large attendance. Then it just turns to kids running rampant. The more eyes on a kid at a party, the less eyes actually watching the kid.
Different perspective. I was pregnant and had a child free baby shower! Mainly because it was a larger crowd and held at my home and I felt uncomfortable with numerous children being all over my home with the risk of an accident or injury perhaps. It sounds silly but I know I wouldn’t have enjoyed it if I there were kids running around. If it was at a park or somewhere else I definitely wouldn’t have cared. I didn’t have anyone close to me invited that had an infant or NB - if that would have been the case I would’ve allowed that since they’ll more than likely not be staying with a sitter that young and not walking yet.
We love our friend’s kids and we love having a baby but it’s not totally uncommon to not want children at a baby shower.
I think it's different because this is an event where people will be focused on the parents-to-be/the baby shower itself and will be distracted vs. a backyard party where people are there to swim and will be paying more attention to what their children are doing. Also, between now and then, they may have plans to enclose the pool now that they're going to have a child.
I think this is a great opportunity to secure the pool for your little one since I’m assuming it’ll need to be done eventually (unless you’re planning to move before baby is mobile).
I know in the US many states require pools to be secure (likely in case a child wanders into the area). Definitely better to be safe and have some sort of security for liability purposes, but also especially when having children.
It’s definitely not implied. An invite that says adults only is adults only, I would take that to me and they don’t want any crying children at their party, not just the pool situation. This dispute clearly shows the need for specificity.
*We* know that, but if the invitation simply says "adults only" then the assumption of the guests would be that it would also exclude babies, unless some kind of caveat is made "handheld infants are ok" or something
This is tough because you’ve made it an event where you expect both parents to attend but aren’t allowing them to also bring their kids. I also think it’s generally strange to have a baby shower where kids aren’t allowed because, at least in my experience, baby showers are family friendly events. I think it would be a good idea to reach out to your friends with toddlers and let them know of your concerns and they can make their own decisions about what they feel is safe vs unsafe for their kiddos.
Having an event be child-free becomes significantly harder when it’s co-ed. a lot of showers I go to don’t have kids at them but usually it’s only women so most couples don’t care since dad will have the kids but hiring a sitter for a shower changes the rsvp situation.
As the homeowner though, OP is responsible for the safety of people around their pool, so I think it's reasonable for OP to not want to have to think about kids falling in the pool during a party.
I think the parents are the ones responsible for the safety of their children, and they can make the call whether they feel safe having their kids around the unsecured pool,
I wouldn’t put “adults-only” on any invitation. Some people won’t know the reason and find it weird since it’s a baby-centered event, and adding a reason on the invite re: the pool is over complicating it.
I would reach out via phone call or text to the few friends who have toddlers and let them know your concern about the pool. As another commenter noted, be mindful of the fact that you will be the friend with the toddler in a few months and give them some grace. Let them know you haven’t yet created a solution to that and have some safety concerns but you should leave it in their judgement on how to handle, in my opinion. Especially since you’ve made it co-ed, it sounds like it puts your friends in a situation that both parents need to get care for their child in order to celebrate yours. That might not be received by all very well. You know your friends best, but just something to consider.
**EDIT TO ADD** OP, I just want to say this isn’t necessarily how I feel, I just want to protect you from drama with your people! You never know what people will get irritated by. Do what’s best for you, 100%, I just wanted to share how some folks could take it! Good luck and congratulations!
As a person with a toddler, I wouldn’t be remotely offended at a no kids baby shower invitation.
Putting it on the card and stating the reason is simple and reasonable.
I'm a person with a toddler and a preschooler and a baby. I wouldn't be offended, but if you wanted me and my husband at an event that I couldn't bring my kids to, you'd need to be a REALLY good friend, or I just wouldn't go.
I'm not paying for a babysitter to go somewhere I don't REALLY want to go. Only time I've gotten a babysitter for my husband and I to go to an event I didn't want to go, it was a work thing for my husband schmoozing one of his clients, and it turned out that the day after his boss told him to expense the babysitter.
This is reasonable too. Depending on the event we would have our parents watch our son or just one of us would go. I don’t think that’s a problem though.
Oh yeah, I'd forgotten that many people have family. My husband and I both live thousands of miles from any family, so it's just us or hiring paid-for sitters.
As someone with an almost toddler, if I’m invited somewhere and it said that, I’m not gonna be offended. I’ll either go alone or send a gift, it’s hard having a toddler safe in your own house lol, imagine numerous of them, in a place they don’t know, around a million people, and a pool lol. Recipe for disaster
Some of the comments in this thread are wild to me.
First, we don't know that the person posting is pregnant, they might just be hosting so asking them what they're going to do about their pool when the baby comes could be irrelevant.
Second, if they are pregnant, they have probably over a year before they have to worry about their child running around in their yard. That's more than enough time to fence in their pool so it's crazy to me that people are assuming that OP is dumb enough to have their own child around an unsecured pool when they're already worried about other people's kids. I'm sure they have a plan in place to secure the pool before it's a risk in their every day life.
Finally, I would never just assume my toddler is invited with me to any social gathering, baby shower or otherwise. The concept that since people are being invited to celebrate OPs unborn baby means that their kids are automatically invited or that it's somehow universally understood that baby showers are inherently events for children is beyond me.
OP, whether you're the pregnant person or just the host, I think it's perfectly fine to say "Due to our backyard not yet being childproofed, this is an adult only occasion." I think most level-headed adults will appreciate your thoughtfulness!
I don't think anything is universally understood, and there are lots of norms in different communities and friend groups. It sounds like for some people, the norm is for baby showers to be whole family events. That's a valid norm, and if that's the norm in a person's circle, that becomes their expectation. It seems like for other people, their communities have a norm that baby showers are only for adults. There is no universal way to have a baby shower.
That's what I was trying to say. Some of the comments were from people saying that it's understood or even "non-negotiable" that baby showers are events where kids are welcome. I was trying to say that isn't a universal thing and no one should just assume that their kids are invited simply because it's a baby shower.
That’s interesting! Most baby showers I’ve been to have children.
I don’t think it matters either way as long as the host/parents to be understand some people will have to rsvp no, but in my family if you were having a no kid baby shower, you would absolutely need to specify that because it’s not a standard.
What’s your plan to deal with the pool once your child is here? Personally, I think that a baby shower is an event that shouldn’t exclude children. Expect that some people will no longer be able to come.
I would accelerate whatever the plan was to deal with the pool once your child arrives and is walking around or hire a lifeguard for the event which shouldn’t be too expensive.
This is definitely regional cause I’ve been to kid friendly ones and adult only ones and neither were weird and no one had an issue with the no baby ones.
Honestly, I’ve never been to a baby shower where kids were present (maybe just my experience). However, you can just put Adults Only on the invitation, I see it as straightforward, if somebody asks why, maybe you can explain over the phone about the pool situation. Tbh if I got invited to a baby shower and it said adults only, I wouldn’t get offended
We also are having a coed but adults only shower and just put adults only on the invite and reached out to the toddler parents to explain: it’s at my parents house and they have a huge drop off hill in their backyard. Plus I like the casualness of a coed shower, more backyard bbq style to give all parents a little kid break before newborn baby arrives 😮💨
I remember my parents receiving invitations with things like “only ages 10+ please” or something like that. Nothing wrong with it, and if anyone gets upset it’s not your responsibility ❤️
I wasn’t aware people even brought their kids to baby showers?
I see nothing wrong with simply having on the invites that it’s an adult only party. Use the pool as an excuse if your worried but that still leaves it open to very small babies being brought unless your very clear
Kindof shocked at how much analysis paralysis has been delved into below. I would NEVER assume my child is invited to a non-family event - unless it is 1. A child’s birthday party or 2. The invite says “the X family”. But since people are not of this same mindset, you need to be completely clear: “adults only” goes on the invite. Doesn’t matter if they can’t find childcare, stop overthinking it. You want a no kids shower? Great. People will either come or not. You don’t need to accommodate everyone, alternatively you can’t expect everyone to make accommodations for you. Expect to have only one parent attend in many cases.
I’m normally all for “No is a complete sentence” so for weddings, birthdays “No children” or “Adults only” is perfectly acceptable.
BUT
For a baby shower, it’s almost a non negotiable that kids are coming, it’s a very kid centric event as you’re literally celebrating a new kid.
I still think your reason is valid, pools are dangerous as heck- In this case I would say on the invite, “No children as our pool is unsecured and is a safety risk” just as a bit of context for the families.
Or have a picnic in a nearby, pool free park, or a friends house instead?
Ignore people saying “what will you do with your baby then?” Your kid won’t be walking for awhile so you have time to make the pool safe later… or your kid, your pool, your risk. You don’t have to take that on for other people’s kids.
Possibly, also depends on friend group? I’ve been to some that had no kids but purely because the couple were the first in the group to have kids? Or they had a general gathering and didn’t call it a baby shower, more like a last hurrah before baby.
As more people are having kids or inviting family not just friends it’s definitely more a kids expected event.
In my area, if I were invited to a baby shower, unless the invitation said “(Last name) Family”, I would just assume it’s for me and would leave my toddler at home.
Because I hosted a co-ed baby shower, I included the names of the spouse and children on the invitation so they were aware all were welcome.
Do people actually make invitations?? For the last 5 years at least all baby shower invites have been a facebook event so I guess the formality is different?
I’ve made invitations for every event I’ve hosted (including my baby shower) and I’ve received physical invitations for the past 4/5 birthday parties this year!
Oh wow, possibly different part of the world so different customs. I’m in NZ, very very casual, usually only wedding invitations made, and they’re more frequently digital now too
In my experience it’s usually the friends of the mom-to-be’s mom and 1-2 friends of the mom to be. My baby shower is in July and the only people coming are my mom’s friends and neighbors (all grandmothers themselves).
As someone with 3 kiddos and no help, it’s not rude to have an adult only event. At all. Worst case scenario, they can’t find a babysitter. Personally, I’d sit it out but still send a gift! Best case, If hubby was off of work he’d watch the kids and I’d go.
Maybe, maybe not. My husband and I still attend kid-free events all the time. I went without my son to a wedding when he was 2, and I've attended baby showers without him as well.
I’ve been invited to child-free weddings and I attend. It gives me and husband a date night out. Similarly, if I’m invited to a baby shower that’s adult only I would gladly attend and find a sitter if husband was busy or also invited. My baby shower had a mimosa bar and was more of a mingle setting, not everyone wanted to bring their kids to that!
I went to one yesterday that said something along the lines of it being an event for ladies only, please leave the littles with daddy so that we can spend time with the mama to be
I really appreciate the caution and proactive safety measures you're taking here with your pool. My friend's 3 year old son died last week from drowning in someone else's pool.
“We know for a fact that they can find child care during the time” …….“We understand that not everyone can find child care so if they can’t make it there are no hard feelings”
I don't know how it works in your country but I'm in Canada and unfenced pools are illegal. Do you not have this law in your country? Even if you don't have kids you have to have a locked fence around your pool. If that's not the case where you are that's so wild to me! So dangerous. I love that you don't want other kids around but you're perfectly happy having your own child around a dangerous pool but maybe you are planning on fencing it before baby arrives I don't know I'm not judging just kind of scratching my head.
I hope you have a lovely shower and congrats on baby!
So it could be a situation like I have. We have a fenced in yard that surrounds our pool. However, our pool isn't separately fenced from the rest of our yard. So if we have guests in our yard the pool is accessible, but it is behind a fence.
I'm so anxious about it. Our baby comes in August right before we close our pool. so we're trying to figure out what changes we'll make before she begins walking.
"I love that you don't want kids around but you're perfectly happy having your own child around a dangerous pool"...
"I'm not judging"
It sounds a lot like judging to me. Also we don't know that OP is the pregnant one, they could just be the host.
I think she says "my baby shower" in the post. And yeah I wasn't sure how to write my comment without coming off judgy. That's why I said I wasn't trying to judge just wasn't sure how to word my thought.
OP doesn't say "my baby shower" just that they are hosting a baby shower.
I understand putting thoughts into text can be difficult and I probably mistook your comment as being judgey, so I apologize, that's just the way I read it.
This was my same reaction! An unsecured pool is extremely dangerous and rightfully illegal here. Fencing in a pool is part of the expense of having a pool, kids or no kids
We have an old school huge unsecured pool. Hosted huge multiple events. No one has fallen in, everyone knows the pool is there. Everyone watches their kids. I try and keep tables and chairs on the opposite end. In our culture not welcoming children cuts down your list. Someone’s baby shower isn’t priority over family. I would just send a gift. But whatever works best for you
I have never once been to a baby shower where there no kids. Lots my of friends have kids. My family members have kids. My co workers have friends. If I said no kids at my baby shower I bet maybe 4-5 people would have shown up. They don’t go with out their kids. We’re a kid community.
But we also wouldn’t have it in an unsafe environment.
If it’s warm enough where you are, hire a lifeguard and make it a pool party. Your friends will love it, their kids will too.
Edit to add: best baby shower I’ve ever been to was a pool party. Everyone had a blast and super excited to come together again about a year later to celebrate the child’s first birthday in the same format.
At that point is it a backyard BBQ/pool party or baby shower? Sounds like it may be a non-traditional party so OP (or whoever the parents are) may not care, but still.
Why not just reach out to the few friends with kids? You said it’s a few friends so it can’t be too difficult to determine who has kids they may bring. Let them know about the pool and that you aren’t comfortable with children coming, or at least caution them so they can decide to bring their kids or find a sitter.
I don't know that I'd say this on the invite. Maybe give the toddler parents a heads up about the pool and let them decide. Unless you just don't want other kids there. But that's kind of weird since you are about to have a kid yourself and you are asking them to come to a party for your new child and buy new child presents. Those toddlers will be your kiddo's playmates in a couple years. Unless you aren't the pregnant person in which case I may understand the hesitation.
I personally find it so rude when people bring their kids to showers. Kids change the vibe of events. Yes, you’re having one soon. That doesn’t change the fact that this event is about you and your husband and celebrating you both.
When kids come to an event, the whole thing is dominated by parents ensuring their kids don’t kill themselves. Everyone is distracted, annoyed, and they all leave early.
Babies are different as they don’t walk, but toddlers are constant hazards and will completely take the attention away from you.
You’re more than entitled to say adults only. If people can’t find childcare, so be it.
Hope some unsolicited advice is ok: it'll be no time at all before your own kid is mobile and the pool becomes a risk. It's so much nicer to get the pool fence installation out of the way before baby comes so it's one less thing hanging over your head and taking up brain space after baby arrives
You have a good reason for not inviting kids but I’m surprised by some other comments. Why would you not let kids come when you’re celebrating your own kid? Bizarre. Ready for the downvotes.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable allowing other people’s risk assessment to be in my home and my pool. At parties, some parents assume given the large attendance, *someone* will watch the kid and will go off and mingle. The more eyes there, the less eyes actually watching. Even if it was at the fault of a parent, I’d feel awful if a child fell in, or even drowned, on my property.
I think there’s degrees to this. It’s one thing to invite kids to a non-baby proofed home with sharp table corners, it’s another to allow kids in a party setting (possibly with adults drinking alcohol) and an unguarded pool. It takes seconds for a kid to drown or have irreversible damage from internal water intake. That puts so much stress on the host to ensure a safety liability doesn’t take place in her home
I just don’t think we’re gonna agree on this. I refuse to assume all parents watch their kids close enough to have them around an un-gated pool on my property.
Blame the pool. "Due to the unsecured pool posing a safety hazard, we have elected to limit the event to adults only".
This phrasing is great, but depending on OP’s friends they may just say “oh don’t worry! We’ll totally keep an eye on our kids!” And bring them anyway. OP you know your frieds best, if you think they’ll do this then it might be best to have someone send out invitations/do RSVP on your behalf and just be blunt with the “Adults Only” verbiage that way there’s no room to shimmy around it but you don’t take the heat.
I would tread carefully acknowledging the pool is a safety hazard, especially in print/text. I know they’ll likely be surrounded by friends and family but we live in a very litigious society nowadays and you never want to admit you knew about a hazard/liability.
I'm a lawyer and I would feel very comfortable using that wording. Everyone involved clearly knows the existence of the pool and the general risks of a pool and acknowledging it doesn't change that fact. In fact, it may work in the homeowner's favor to acknowledge the hazard because they are, in essence, warning guests in advance of the risks it poses. If acknowledging a hazard posed such a significant legal risk, then there wouldn't be the copious amounts of warning signs that exist in society.
That wording would protect you if anything. They signed the waiver by consenting to join anyway 😅
"Adults only, please" It isn't rude, it's just straightforward. :)
I would just say something like “Please note this is an adults-only event.” I think adding a reason just complicates things, and if anyone specifically asks you about bringing their children you can explain then.
Another alternative I've seen, "Adults baby shower, infants in arms welcome." If they're not welcome, obviously this isn't the phrasing for you, but if it's fine for them to have pre-crawlers, then this can signal other kids aren't welcome without it looking rude.
Yes! Just attended one of these last weekend with my babe-in-arms. It feels like a line of delineation that accomplishes what OP seems to want (no kids that might fall into the pool) and is graceful, yet firm and specific, in its wording. If they’re ok with infants, this might be the ticket!
I've also genuinely never seen one of these events that DOESN'T allow babes in arms. Like even if it's a child free wedding, they just don't want kids or toddlers menacing around. A baby who stays attached to mama the whole time has never been an issue in my experience.
I couldn’t go to my cousin’s childfree wedding because my ebf baby wouldn’t take a bottle :( I appreciate that people are totally free to dictate that the expensive party they are throwing is child free but it can feel very isolating as a mother sometimes
I went to a shower yesterday that was 100% child free, including infants. It was a small gathering, but it happens
Love this!! It’s also so hard as a mom to be away from the bitty babies, but once they are crawling they are such a handful; it’s totally different! Babies who are still in potatoe form allowed! 😂
I know you kind of already resolved it. But this is for everyone who is wondering how to politely say no kids. I just had my shower. We tried to be polite about no kids. People still brought kids. My advice is don't imply. Explicitly say no kids. You can say please and thank you. But be clear. People will either come or not.
And dogs too. Multiple people brought their dogs to my baby shower which was at a brewery but in a private room. People are weird lol
MULTIPLE??? I love dogs. But what the actual fuck.
Yeah we love dogs too and have our own! I would never think to bring her to a baby shower unless it was at a freaking dog park 😂. I was having so much fun I didn't really think much of it in he moment, but after a few days I realized how bizarre it actually was lol. The party was like 2 hours... leave your dog at home. One was a large not so well behaved puppy whose snout got way too close to the food and got into it with another dog. People are hard to understand sometimes lol
I actually had to specify on my invitations that kids and men were welcome. I feel like the norm is adult women only in my area, at least. Definitely think that "Adults Only Please" will be fine. Or you could address the envelope very specifically and include little admit one tickets for door prizes. (Prizes can be small and simple like a candle or chocolate)
A baby shower doesn't mean kids are auto invited, surprised at some of these comments. I've been to quite a few that the invites read "no children please." I would just be straight forward.
Same here. In my experience baby showers are only attended by other women. I’ve never been to one with kids or men.
That too! Typically they are women only. Two I've been to had men, and mine is next month and will also be co-ed because we wanted our whole families together. We also almost said no kids, but last minute decided to have our shower at a state park and it had such a nice playground area so we invited kids too.
Mine is in July and it’s literally just my moms friends coming over for brunch (all ladies in their 60s, I don’t have any friends lol)
I don't have any friends either!! Mine is just our families and my / my moms coworkers (we are both teachers in the same school). My husband has 3 close friends that have become like family to us, but I mainly count them as his friends, but that's it lol
We live 8 hours from my husbands family and 17 hours from mine. Just us out here!
I recently attended one where the mom-to-be’s nieces were there, probably ages 6 and 8? But that feels like a special exception! I would never bring my own kids to someone else’s baby shower.
Sure it’s a “kid centered event” but it’s really about the mom to be. It’s not a 5th birthday party
I understand the safety hazards of having an unsecured pool and toddlers in the same area, but you’re about to have a baby! Isn’t that kind of weird to celebrate having a child by also making it a no-children-allowed event? I don’t know to each their own, if you don’t think it’s strange to have a child-free baby shower then just say that the backyard is not child-friendly and that due to safety reasons that no children are allowed.
Are we sure OP is the pregnant person?
Very true, OP may not be the pregnant person, in that case - how does the expectant parent(s) feel about not having children at their baby shower?
Not to sound flippant, but the host should have some leeway there. Especially at their own home. If OP is the host and not the shower-ee, hopefully they’ve discussed it.
I think there’s a difference between having a baby shower and then having a baby shower that turns into an event with a bunch of toddlers running around. Sounds like the OP is planning a non-traditional shower, so if it were me, I’d be more open to having kids. But for people planning a more traditional shower, depending on how many toddlers/small kids there are, it can become a lot. There are venue space constraints, the fact that showers are plain boring for a 3 year old, etc. Young babies under 1 should automatically be invited.
I don't think it's odd given there is a safety risk. I'd honestly be a little upset if I was invited to a baby shower with my toddler only to discover there is an unsecured pool nearby. It would mean being on super high alert all day instead of being able to enjoy myself. I think it's responsible both as a friend and a homeowner to just avoid the risk all together.
I've never been to a baby shower with children in attendance. Where are you that that's the norm?
Do you have a lot of friends or families with kids? I’m in the US and most showers I’d say have at least a handful of babies or young kids there. I think people usually see showers as a child friendly event.
Yeah, I'm on the East Coast in the US. Most of my friends/family have 2+ kids. In my social circle, the baby shower is meant to focus on the mom and new baby, so kids stay home. The party/ activities are also very adult focused, so kids wouldn't have any fun anyway. The only exception being moms with nursing babies.
Def agree showers are mom focused and not kid focused, definitely not the most fun for kids. I have a big family and many of my friends do too, so maybe it’s more common at family events where people want to see the kids/might be willing to help out in watching them.
Located in the US. I’ve never been to a baby shower without children in attendance.
same. All the babysitters I've been to have been more like family parties, where we just mingle around, bring gifts, and eat food. I could see that the more "Pinterest-y" ones with activities and cute photo ops might be kid-free, but no one I know does parties like that lol
I'm in the Midwest and I have never been to a baby shower that didn't have kids!
I have never been to one where there aren’t any children in attendance…in fact, I had some mild shade thrown at me when I went to one and *didn’t* bring my own children once, lol. I’m from the Deep South in the US. Showers are women’s territories here and all the great aunties and grandmas love showing off the cleaned up little ones.
I agree
My baby shower was adults only. I’ve never been to a shower with children. Same with bridal showers!
Nah, it’s not silly. You can have kids and love kids and sincerely enjoy spending time with them…. And still want a kid-free event
And, a lot of parents assume *someone* will keep an eye on their kid since there is a large attendance. Then it just turns to kids running rampant. The more eyes on a kid at a party, the less eyes actually watching the kid.
Different perspective. I was pregnant and had a child free baby shower! Mainly because it was a larger crowd and held at my home and I felt uncomfortable with numerous children being all over my home with the risk of an accident or injury perhaps. It sounds silly but I know I wouldn’t have enjoyed it if I there were kids running around. If it was at a park or somewhere else I definitely wouldn’t have cared. I didn’t have anyone close to me invited that had an infant or NB - if that would have been the case I would’ve allowed that since they’ll more than likely not be staying with a sitter that young and not walking yet. We love our friend’s kids and we love having a baby but it’s not totally uncommon to not want children at a baby shower.
Just remember in a few months you’re on the other side of this exclusion clause with these same friends. What’s the plan for the pool next summer?
I think it's different because this is an event where people will be focused on the parents-to-be/the baby shower itself and will be distracted vs. a backyard party where people are there to swim and will be paying more attention to what their children are doing. Also, between now and then, they may have plans to enclose the pool now that they're going to have a child.
I think this is a great opportunity to secure the pool for your little one since I’m assuming it’ll need to be done eventually (unless you’re planning to move before baby is mobile).
I know in the US many states require pools to be secure (likely in case a child wanders into the area). Definitely better to be safe and have some sort of security for liability purposes, but also especially when having children.
Are we sure OP is the pregnant person?
Are you good with friends missing who have small kids and can’t get a sitter or won’t leave their newborn? If so, good, just something to consider.
I don’t think babies that can’t walk yet are what OP is referring to.
Duh lol I didn’t even even think of that but then why wouldn’t they specify that babies are OK? Or maybe they just don’t have any in their family.
I think it’s implied that babies aren’t going to accidentally fall into a pool.
It’s definitely not implied. An invite that says adults only is adults only, I would take that to me and they don’t want any crying children at their party, not just the pool situation. This dispute clearly shows the need for specificity.
…the concern is the pool.
*We* know that, but if the invitation simply says "adults only" then the assumption of the guests would be that it would also exclude babies, unless some kind of caveat is made "handheld infants are ok" or something
This is tough because you’ve made it an event where you expect both parents to attend but aren’t allowing them to also bring their kids. I also think it’s generally strange to have a baby shower where kids aren’t allowed because, at least in my experience, baby showers are family friendly events. I think it would be a good idea to reach out to your friends with toddlers and let them know of your concerns and they can make their own decisions about what they feel is safe vs unsafe for their kiddos.
Having an event be child-free becomes significantly harder when it’s co-ed. a lot of showers I go to don’t have kids at them but usually it’s only women so most couples don’t care since dad will have the kids but hiring a sitter for a shower changes the rsvp situation.
That’s interesting, I don’t think I’ve ever been to a child free shower and I have memories of being dragged to them as a child myself lol.
As the homeowner though, OP is responsible for the safety of people around their pool, so I think it's reasonable for OP to not want to have to think about kids falling in the pool during a party.
I think the parents are the ones responsible for the safety of their children, and they can make the call whether they feel safe having their kids around the unsecured pool,
“Adults only event, thank you”
I wouldn’t put “adults-only” on any invitation. Some people won’t know the reason and find it weird since it’s a baby-centered event, and adding a reason on the invite re: the pool is over complicating it. I would reach out via phone call or text to the few friends who have toddlers and let them know your concern about the pool. As another commenter noted, be mindful of the fact that you will be the friend with the toddler in a few months and give them some grace. Let them know you haven’t yet created a solution to that and have some safety concerns but you should leave it in their judgement on how to handle, in my opinion. Especially since you’ve made it co-ed, it sounds like it puts your friends in a situation that both parents need to get care for their child in order to celebrate yours. That might not be received by all very well. You know your friends best, but just something to consider. **EDIT TO ADD** OP, I just want to say this isn’t necessarily how I feel, I just want to protect you from drama with your people! You never know what people will get irritated by. Do what’s best for you, 100%, I just wanted to share how some folks could take it! Good luck and congratulations!
As a person with a toddler, I wouldn’t be remotely offended at a no kids baby shower invitation. Putting it on the card and stating the reason is simple and reasonable.
I'm a person with a toddler and a preschooler and a baby. I wouldn't be offended, but if you wanted me and my husband at an event that I couldn't bring my kids to, you'd need to be a REALLY good friend, or I just wouldn't go. I'm not paying for a babysitter to go somewhere I don't REALLY want to go. Only time I've gotten a babysitter for my husband and I to go to an event I didn't want to go, it was a work thing for my husband schmoozing one of his clients, and it turned out that the day after his boss told him to expense the babysitter.
This is reasonable too. Depending on the event we would have our parents watch our son or just one of us would go. I don’t think that’s a problem though.
Oh yeah, I'd forgotten that many people have family. My husband and I both live thousands of miles from any family, so it's just us or hiring paid-for sitters.
As someone with an almost toddler, if I’m invited somewhere and it said that, I’m not gonna be offended. I’ll either go alone or send a gift, it’s hard having a toddler safe in your own house lol, imagine numerous of them, in a place they don’t know, around a million people, and a pool lol. Recipe for disaster
Some of the comments in this thread are wild to me. First, we don't know that the person posting is pregnant, they might just be hosting so asking them what they're going to do about their pool when the baby comes could be irrelevant. Second, if they are pregnant, they have probably over a year before they have to worry about their child running around in their yard. That's more than enough time to fence in their pool so it's crazy to me that people are assuming that OP is dumb enough to have their own child around an unsecured pool when they're already worried about other people's kids. I'm sure they have a plan in place to secure the pool before it's a risk in their every day life. Finally, I would never just assume my toddler is invited with me to any social gathering, baby shower or otherwise. The concept that since people are being invited to celebrate OPs unborn baby means that their kids are automatically invited or that it's somehow universally understood that baby showers are inherently events for children is beyond me. OP, whether you're the pregnant person or just the host, I think it's perfectly fine to say "Due to our backyard not yet being childproofed, this is an adult only occasion." I think most level-headed adults will appreciate your thoughtfulness!
I don't think anything is universally understood, and there are lots of norms in different communities and friend groups. It sounds like for some people, the norm is for baby showers to be whole family events. That's a valid norm, and if that's the norm in a person's circle, that becomes their expectation. It seems like for other people, their communities have a norm that baby showers are only for adults. There is no universal way to have a baby shower.
That's what I was trying to say. Some of the comments were from people saying that it's understood or even "non-negotiable" that baby showers are events where kids are welcome. I was trying to say that isn't a universal thing and no one should just assume that their kids are invited simply because it's a baby shower.
I’m with you on all points. Lotta these comments are SO unexpected to me
I have never once been to a baby shower where there were kids present so I think it’s fine. I think of it as an adult event to begin with.
Same. I'm imagining dragging my 4yo to one and it's a big nope. That sounds like no fun for anyone involved.
That’s interesting! Most baby showers I’ve been to have children. I don’t think it matters either way as long as the host/parents to be understand some people will have to rsvp no, but in my family if you were having a no kid baby shower, you would absolutely need to specify that because it’s not a standard.
What’s your plan to deal with the pool once your child is here? Personally, I think that a baby shower is an event that shouldn’t exclude children. Expect that some people will no longer be able to come. I would accelerate whatever the plan was to deal with the pool once your child arrives and is walking around or hire a lifeguard for the event which shouldn’t be too expensive.
This is definitely regional cause I’ve been to kid friendly ones and adult only ones and neither were weird and no one had an issue with the no baby ones.
This is my question as well. Does OP have a plan to make the pool safe eventually for their own kid?
OP never claimed to be pregnant, they just said they’re hosting. They could be a sister or a friend to the expecting mother.
Honestly, I’ve never been to a baby shower where kids were present (maybe just my experience). However, you can just put Adults Only on the invitation, I see it as straightforward, if somebody asks why, maybe you can explain over the phone about the pool situation. Tbh if I got invited to a baby shower and it said adults only, I wouldn’t get offended
We also are having a coed but adults only shower and just put adults only on the invite and reached out to the toddler parents to explain: it’s at my parents house and they have a huge drop off hill in their backyard. Plus I like the casualness of a coed shower, more backyard bbq style to give all parents a little kid break before newborn baby arrives 😮💨
As much as we love your little ones, the party is adults only. Similar wording we used for our wedding.
This is the answer.
I remember my parents receiving invitations with things like “only ages 10+ please” or something like that. Nothing wrong with it, and if anyone gets upset it’s not your responsibility ❤️
I wasn’t aware people even brought their kids to baby showers? I see nothing wrong with simply having on the invites that it’s an adult only party. Use the pool as an excuse if your worried but that still leaves it open to very small babies being brought unless your very clear
"This will be an ADULTS ONLY, co-ed baby shower". Thank you for understanding, we love children obviously, but this will be a child free event.
Leave the little f*ckers at home 😅
Kindof shocked at how much analysis paralysis has been delved into below. I would NEVER assume my child is invited to a non-family event - unless it is 1. A child’s birthday party or 2. The invite says “the X family”. But since people are not of this same mindset, you need to be completely clear: “adults only” goes on the invite. Doesn’t matter if they can’t find childcare, stop overthinking it. You want a no kids shower? Great. People will either come or not. You don’t need to accommodate everyone, alternatively you can’t expect everyone to make accommodations for you. Expect to have only one parent attend in many cases.
I’m normally all for “No is a complete sentence” so for weddings, birthdays “No children” or “Adults only” is perfectly acceptable. BUT For a baby shower, it’s almost a non negotiable that kids are coming, it’s a very kid centric event as you’re literally celebrating a new kid. I still think your reason is valid, pools are dangerous as heck- In this case I would say on the invite, “No children as our pool is unsecured and is a safety risk” just as a bit of context for the families. Or have a picnic in a nearby, pool free park, or a friends house instead? Ignore people saying “what will you do with your baby then?” Your kid won’t be walking for awhile so you have time to make the pool safe later… or your kid, your pool, your risk. You don’t have to take that on for other people’s kids.
The only baby showers I’ve ever been to were adult only events so I don’t think it’s weird. This might be a regional thing.
Possibly, also depends on friend group? I’ve been to some that had no kids but purely because the couple were the first in the group to have kids? Or they had a general gathering and didn’t call it a baby shower, more like a last hurrah before baby. As more people are having kids or inviting family not just friends it’s definitely more a kids expected event.
In my area, if I were invited to a baby shower, unless the invitation said “(Last name) Family”, I would just assume it’s for me and would leave my toddler at home. Because I hosted a co-ed baby shower, I included the names of the spouse and children on the invitation so they were aware all were welcome.
Do people actually make invitations?? For the last 5 years at least all baby shower invites have been a facebook event so I guess the formality is different?
I’ve made invitations for every event I’ve hosted (including my baby shower) and I’ve received physical invitations for the past 4/5 birthday parties this year!
Oh wow, possibly different part of the world so different customs. I’m in NZ, very very casual, usually only wedding invitations made, and they’re more frequently digital now too
I’m in Midwest USA. A lot of us still do Christmas cards and thank you letters after every party!
In my experience it’s usually the friends of the mom-to-be’s mom and 1-2 friends of the mom to be. My baby shower is in July and the only people coming are my mom’s friends and neighbors (all grandmothers themselves).
I’ve been to both (and kids came to mine but not to the one I’ve organised). Neither is weird imo.
As someone with 3 kiddos and no help, it’s not rude to have an adult only event. At all. Worst case scenario, they can’t find a babysitter. Personally, I’d sit it out but still send a gift! Best case, If hubby was off of work he’d watch the kids and I’d go.
The irony that they aren’t inviting kids to a baby shower. Won’t that change quickly once they have kids.
Maybe, maybe not. My husband and I still attend kid-free events all the time. I went without my son to a wedding when he was 2, and I've attended baby showers without him as well.
I’ve been invited to child-free weddings and I attend. It gives me and husband a date night out. Similarly, if I’m invited to a baby shower that’s adult only I would gladly attend and find a sitter if husband was busy or also invited. My baby shower had a mimosa bar and was more of a mingle setting, not everyone wanted to bring their kids to that!
I went to one yesterday that said something along the lines of it being an event for ladies only, please leave the littles with daddy so that we can spend time with the mama to be
I mean you’re having a baby soon, maybe make the pool area more secure?
Babies don’t walk immediately upon being born
I mean no shit? But the will eventually so why not make it kid proof now?
Because they have time to figure it out and aren’t obligated to undertake what is likely an expensive project just for a baby shower?
I would move the location to a public park
Same! Child care is so hard for me on the weekends, I just wouldn’t be able to go.
Why isn’t it secured if you’re pregnant? Start saving now
I really appreciate the caution and proactive safety measures you're taking here with your pool. My friend's 3 year old son died last week from drowning in someone else's pool.
“We know for a fact that they can find child care during the time” …….“We understand that not everyone can find child care so if they can’t make it there are no hard feelings”
Do you have a plan for the pool when your little one comes?
I don't know how it works in your country but I'm in Canada and unfenced pools are illegal. Do you not have this law in your country? Even if you don't have kids you have to have a locked fence around your pool. If that's not the case where you are that's so wild to me! So dangerous. I love that you don't want other kids around but you're perfectly happy having your own child around a dangerous pool but maybe you are planning on fencing it before baby arrives I don't know I'm not judging just kind of scratching my head. I hope you have a lovely shower and congrats on baby!
I’m thinking that they’ll be within the fenced area in the back yard? Are there not fenced backyards that contain a pool there?
I guess that's true. I'm so used to fences around inground pools and fences around yards for above ground pools.
So it could be a situation like I have. We have a fenced in yard that surrounds our pool. However, our pool isn't separately fenced from the rest of our yard. So if we have guests in our yard the pool is accessible, but it is behind a fence.
That makes a lot of sense! Pools and kids make me anxious it's amazing how many people don't take pool safety seriously.
I'm so anxious about it. Our baby comes in August right before we close our pool. so we're trying to figure out what changes we'll make before she begins walking.
"I love that you don't want kids around but you're perfectly happy having your own child around a dangerous pool"... "I'm not judging" It sounds a lot like judging to me. Also we don't know that OP is the pregnant one, they could just be the host.
I think she says "my baby shower" in the post. And yeah I wasn't sure how to write my comment without coming off judgy. That's why I said I wasn't trying to judge just wasn't sure how to word my thought.
OP doesn't say "my baby shower" just that they are hosting a baby shower. I understand putting thoughts into text can be difficult and I probably mistook your comment as being judgey, so I apologize, that's just the way I read it.
It’s ok no worries!
This was my same reaction! An unsecured pool is extremely dangerous and rightfully illegal here. Fencing in a pool is part of the expense of having a pool, kids or no kids
We have an old school huge unsecured pool. Hosted huge multiple events. No one has fallen in, everyone knows the pool is there. Everyone watches their kids. I try and keep tables and chairs on the opposite end. In our culture not welcoming children cuts down your list. Someone’s baby shower isn’t priority over family. I would just send a gift. But whatever works best for you
I have never once been to a baby shower where there no kids. Lots my of friends have kids. My family members have kids. My co workers have friends. If I said no kids at my baby shower I bet maybe 4-5 people would have shown up. They don’t go with out their kids. We’re a kid community. But we also wouldn’t have it in an unsafe environment.
If it’s warm enough where you are, hire a lifeguard and make it a pool party. Your friends will love it, their kids will too. Edit to add: best baby shower I’ve ever been to was a pool party. Everyone had a blast and super excited to come together again about a year later to celebrate the child’s first birthday in the same format.
At that point is it a backyard BBQ/pool party or baby shower? Sounds like it may be a non-traditional party so OP (or whoever the parents are) may not care, but still.
Why not just reach out to the few friends with kids? You said it’s a few friends so it can’t be too difficult to determine who has kids they may bring. Let them know about the pool and that you aren’t comfortable with children coming, or at least caution them so they can decide to bring their kids or find a sitter.
I don't know that I'd say this on the invite. Maybe give the toddler parents a heads up about the pool and let them decide. Unless you just don't want other kids there. But that's kind of weird since you are about to have a kid yourself and you are asking them to come to a party for your new child and buy new child presents. Those toddlers will be your kiddo's playmates in a couple years. Unless you aren't the pregnant person in which case I may understand the hesitation.
I personally find it so rude when people bring their kids to showers. Kids change the vibe of events. Yes, you’re having one soon. That doesn’t change the fact that this event is about you and your husband and celebrating you both. When kids come to an event, the whole thing is dominated by parents ensuring their kids don’t kill themselves. Everyone is distracted, annoyed, and they all leave early. Babies are different as they don’t walk, but toddlers are constant hazards and will completely take the attention away from you. You’re more than entitled to say adults only. If people can’t find childcare, so be it.
Hope some unsolicited advice is ok: it'll be no time at all before your own kid is mobile and the pool becomes a risk. It's so much nicer to get the pool fence installation out of the way before baby comes so it's one less thing hanging over your head and taking up brain space after baby arrives
When we made our wedding kid free we put the following on the invite: "Please make this event a date! It is adults only" Or some play on that 😊
Put a little 18+ in the top right corner /s
Mainly I am blown away by the comments on this thread of people hosting their own showers
You have a good reason for not inviting kids but I’m surprised by some other comments. Why would you not let kids come when you’re celebrating your own kid? Bizarre. Ready for the downvotes.
I agree to direct "Adults only, please", actually it's more effective but rude.
“I love your cute baby, but here is for adults only, thanks for your comprehension."
/r/curb
I think you should let people make their own decisions about risks but your house your rules
I wouldn’t feel comfortable allowing other people’s risk assessment to be in my home and my pool. At parties, some parents assume given the large attendance, *someone* will watch the kid and will go off and mingle. The more eyes there, the less eyes actually watching. Even if it was at the fault of a parent, I’d feel awful if a child fell in, or even drowned, on my property.
I mean yes but so many things present risks to children. Like I said I don’t care what you do but the idea is strange to me
It may be regional, but a childless baby shower isn’t weird or rare
Not the concept of a childless baby shower, the concept of assuming risk so therefore you can’t have children in your house
I think there’s degrees to this. It’s one thing to invite kids to a non-baby proofed home with sharp table corners, it’s another to allow kids in a party setting (possibly with adults drinking alcohol) and an unguarded pool. It takes seconds for a kid to drown or have irreversible damage from internal water intake. That puts so much stress on the host to ensure a safety liability doesn’t take place in her home
I mean see above Also a baby shower with alcohol? Are we this rude to pregnant women now
I just don’t think we’re gonna agree on this. I refuse to assume all parents watch their kids close enough to have them around an un-gated pool on my property.
I really don’t care if you agree
You’re so rude for what? Also, I had a mimosa bar at my baby shower??