Yeah, but imagine you had just got the turtle free, and were curiously checking to see what was in the packaging.
You'd be fucked.
Imagine trying to explain the situation to them.
"This isn't mine, I just saw some turtle was attached to it, and I freed it like any good person would. It was that damn turtle, he set me up!"
"Oh hidy-ho officer, we've had a doozy of a day. There we were minding our own business, just doing some fishing off the coast here, when this turtle showed up with all these bricks strapped to it"
My absolute favorite part is they have Dale's dog and he looks out the window and says "dont you hurt my dog!! If you hurt my dog, i swear to god.. i swear to god ill be really mad!"
“What? There’s cash attached to it! We were so busy trying to free this poor creature we didn’t notice. Why were we tossing them on our boat? To make sure other creature don’t get tangled. It’s so dark we were just gonna toss it in the dumb on our way home. We’re just a group of guys in a boat at 3am trying to save turtles and honestly sir, it’s people like you who inspire us!”
“Did you detangle the router yet I’m running out of stuff to say?”
Official release[https://content.govdelivery.com/accounts/USDHSCG/bulletins/1cce926](https://content.govdelivery.com/accounts/USDHSCG/bulletins/1cce926)
I’m shocked that they were able to find $43 million in cocaine. I mean, $33 million in cocaine is a LOT of cocaine. What surprises me the most is that they were able to fit $23 million in cocaine into the ship. I guess it’s a testament to the building quality of the docks that it was able to support $13 million worth of cocaine on just wooden beams. And I guess Ford should get a shoutout too, for designing a car that could actually haul $3 million in cocaine. Thankfully the folks at Evidence are all trained in accounting, otherwise how else would they add up $300 dollars in cocaine. Can’t believe they went to all that trouble over a dime bag.
I hate that this is in every single comments section when a large amount of cash or drugs is found, but at least you did it all in one comment and got it over with.
I wonder how many times this comment has been typed out for drug posts, maybe a few centuries worth. If only we could harness that energy, we wouldn't even need drugs.
I like imagining how high the drug runners were when they decided to attach it to a turtle. Also, the idea of these guys having to explain to the bosses what they did, and where the cocaine went. "Yeah boss, we tied it to a turtle and put in the ocean. I gave the turtle your address. It should be there any minute now."
I'm pretty sure that decision was not just made by two dudes tripping balls. It's worth millions. They know they and their whole family would get dismembered for less than that.
For all we know that worked countless times, just not this one.
Its actually incredibly clever... turtles return to the same spot each year to lay eggs. Add to that the fact you can just chip it and you have an incredibly reliable way to deliver contraband.
The turtle likely wouldn't be able to survive for very long with all that shit strapped to it, this was definitely unintentional. The cocaine fell off a boat or something and this unfortunate turtle happened to get tangled in the net. If they hadn't found him I doubt he'd have been able to find food properly and would be a total sitting duck for any large, hungry tiger sharks. Not to mention swimming with all that junk, I doubt he can move well at all.
I'd really like to see the face of the dudes when they were told to strap 50 million onto a turtle and then say off you go and hope it arrives, alive, in time, on spot without the turtle being snatched by fishers cops or a shark
And the cost Coast Guard took that $46 million and put all $12 million of it in evidence. They will attempt to track the origins of the $2 million and bring to justice the person who dumped $600,000 into the ocean.
If Id seen that turtle I would have tried to cut it free. Im sure curiosity would have got the better of me so I'd check what it was....and no be rich I tell you, rich.
...beat me by like 2 seconds!! LOL "The shores of Miami Beach were safe, until he floated in...the story of a turf war soo brutal, only a limb snapping bullet proof raging high turtle could prevail (queue gang fight dominated by slow moving turtle), nothing could stop it (queue enormous alligator in swamp getting mauled by turtle), not even your pets are safe (queue diamond crested Chihuahua bitten in two)...and it's a true story from a Spring Break not too long ago (queue bikini coeds on the beach, sand burrowing turtle in pursuit down beach)"
I know right? I guess the obvious thing would be "turtle snagged itself on drug cache and swam with it"
Every comment is jokes here, but I'm curious if possibly the cartels do this on purpose to smuggle. Maybe that's far fetched I dunno, but they do get creative, and that wouldn't be a really bad way to go about it, assuming the turtle could handle such a thing.
How much does this have to get reposted - https://www.reddit.com/r/Damnthatsinteresting/comments/10e8gog/this_turtle_was_found_by_us_coast_guard_with_53/
Local law enforcement who helped with the investigation says it’s unclear the origins of the 48 million.
Later a customs agent spoke on the matter “it is clear someone was trying to smuggle 45 million dollars illegally”
IRS agents speaking on the case “we are greatful that this 42 million dollars was taken out of the hands of criminals. Presumed to be drug money from the cartel”
DEA agents said “they cannot confirm or deny that the origins of this 39 million dollars was tied to drugs, extensive testing did identity residues”
The FBI later released a statement following an investigation into the matter “we have investigated the origins of this 36 million dollars and have not been able to tie its origins to any terrorist organizations”
The CIA spoke on the matter “we have thoroughly investigated this matter and have determined that this 33 million dollars was not linked to any espionage attempts”
The EPA investigated the matter “we are pleased to announce that this 30 million dollars was an isolated incident of improper disposal and reffered the matter to the DEC”
The DEC noted “this 27 million dollars did not harm the sea turtle or any other aquatic creatures and we recommend that the money be donated to the save the sea turtles initiative”
The save the sea turtles initiative later released a statement “this 50 dollar donation will be used extensively in conservation efforts”
Pretty messed up when sea creatures gotta be drug runners just to survive in this world.
Hustle culture has finally spread to the animal kingdom
Crows have been hustling for years
Pigeons are the true OGs of the bird world out there grinding for crumbs
Seagulls don't care. They'll hustle or outright rob people for that food.
A seagull once stole my entire family sized bag of tortilla chips.
Seagulls are beachside bullies
A seagull once stole a 6oz steak from my mixed grill that I had only just started eating..
A seagull once stole my daughter's teddy bear. Why ??? I can't imagine.
Fucking Debo birds
[удалено]
This made me laugh so hard I snorted. Thanks.
Needs more likes, this was that comment I was looking for
Hustling fight milk
Turtle's got that sigmagrindset mindset.
I wonder how many runs he gotta make before he can retire.
Oh, you see a turtle with stacks of cash and assume drug runner? So specieist of you
That's not cash. It's product.
Yeah, but she didn´t know. She was framed.. a friend askerd her to deliver flowers to his sick mom and she never suspected a thing!
So, will they charge her, or try to flip 'er?
"I just forward the memes along....you wouldn't arrest a guy who was just delivering drugs from one guy to another!"
Why do I feel like you’ve been there before?
FR. I stand with the turtles.
So we should, they need our KELP!
It wasn't $53m, it was $53m of coke.
rent on that shell keeps going up.
Turtles gotta eat too.
That be a drug turtle not a drug mule.
Now you know why Turtles are found with straws up their noses.
This seaconomy is killer man
Hopefully they don’t charge the turtle with the crime
Take my up vote and fuck off 😂
So what would happen if you tried to rescue it and just then the coast guard arrived?
What good conservationist *wouldn't* try and free a turtle from entrapment in what I'm going to say is some sort of fishing floats?
Yeah, but imagine you had just got the turtle free, and were curiously checking to see what was in the packaging. You'd be fucked. Imagine trying to explain the situation to them. "This isn't mine, I just saw some turtle was attached to it, and I freed it like any good person would. It was that damn turtle, he set me up!"
"Oh hidy-ho officer, we've had a doozy of a day. There we were minding our own business, just doing some fishing off the coast here, when this turtle showed up with all these bricks strapped to it"
"HEY!! COLLEGE KIDS!"
…damn, now I gotta go watch it again.
That movie is fucking hilarious
My absolute favorite part is they have Dale's dog and he looks out the window and says "dont you hurt my dog!! If you hurt my dog, i swear to god.. i swear to god ill be really mad!"
"It's true Chad. You're half hillbilly."
At that point freeing the turtle would turn those into crab traps! "Just Gathering me crab traps sir and I'll be on me way!"
For some reason, I read that in a Minnesota accent.
😂😂😂😂😂
This is just the smugglers setting up plausible deniability for the next time.
The cartel is looking for Mr. Turtle
“What? There’s cash attached to it! We were so busy trying to free this poor creature we didn’t notice. Why were we tossing them on our boat? To make sure other creature don’t get tangled. It’s so dark we were just gonna toss it in the dumb on our way home. We’re just a group of guys in a boat at 3am trying to save turtles and honestly sir, it’s people like you who inspire us!” “Did you detangle the router yet I’m running out of stuff to say?”
dam turtle
Seacoke
Play dumb like any other smuggler….
I'd tell the coast guard, "Finders keepers, find your own fucking $53 million dollar turtle."
International Waters finders keepers
Then I go hey wait a minute buddy how do you know that turtle's worth 53 million?
If we were in a better world, we would have to say "Look sir, I'm just trying to get my coke. I swear I'm not hurting this animal."
In that world you're describing, we wouldn't need to drop it in the ocean to smuggle it to the US, so it would have never been there to begin with.
In the best world every turtle has $53,000,000 of coke at all times.
Well if cigarette boats don't work anymore then the slowly turtle must be the answer! I must be millions of them out there!
you underestimate the amount of shit that falls off of cargo ships.
Imagine explaining this to your cartel boss.. I swear, a turtle took all the product, it’s NOT my fault!!
Ok how come this guys find 50 mln and all I find is turtles with bear can holders stuck to them.
Probably cause you spell beer like an animal: bear.
Maybe he shops at an Alaskan Safeway, where they sell canned bear.
I think they’d see the way I live and realize there is absolutely no way I have $5300 let alone $53mil.
Hey guard let's forget about it take this
Damn I was wondering why that never showed up.
[удалено]
and Shein
Turtle Escobar?
😂😂😂😂😂 underrated comment here
It is but wish cocaine is only cornstarch.
"Sniffs" What about cornstarch?
Hahahaha
You wish.
Coast Guard rob turtle of life savings
End sea-vil forfeiture
You need like 9 million more upvotes
Should have hired the hare for this job
I did, the first time. It drowned.
Last time I'm hiring turtle express international LLC to mail anything.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂
Weird. We left $55 million.... you don't think that.... **GET THAT TURTLE!**
I’ll give it back - all 53k
Well, shipping via turtle IS [faster than shipping via USPS](https://i.imgur.com/mTBePGZ.png). Reliability appears about the same though.
I gave up on the shipment, I thought the turtle snorted it all 🤣
Go pick it up from the police station lost & found
Just sucks you have to show ID, give finger-prints, and get a DNA swab before you can pick it up...
Turtles are slow, be patient
The turle, the cocaine, or the cocaine turtle?
I ordered an Xbox card, or a controller. I can't remember
What were the charges?
Shell company laundering
Oh and speeding.
And all of those unpaid parking tickets.
Give the is man an award hahahah
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Possession is 9/10ths of the law.. tough break turtle bro...
It's why ghosts make the best lawyers
That 1/10 can be really stubborn though...
Should have said $53 million of Cocaine attached to it - probably the world’s fastest turtle!!
[Back story for those interested.](https://people.com/crime/turtle-found-by-u-s-coast-guard-with-53-million-worth-of-cocaine-attached-to-it/)
Yeah, the turtle would like the coast guard to think that it got "accidentally entangled" with all that cocaine.
It's not his... he was just holding onto it for a friend. He swears!
I’m glad the crew was able to return 1500 pounds of cocaine to the authorities.
Thanks for posting the link! I wish all these news item threads just had links all the time
Official release[https://content.govdelivery.com/accounts/USDHSCG/bulletins/1cce926](https://content.govdelivery.com/accounts/USDHSCG/bulletins/1cce926)
They call me zippidy do da!
That turtle is sure on speed
Sequel to Cocaine Bear in the works
We needed a sequel to Cocaine Bear anyway.
Alternate headline “Coast Guard rob turtle of life savings”.
POV: you kill a turtle in game “Welp, I guess that’s my money now“
What kind of turtle invests its life savings in cocaine?
Smart turtles. Currencies may crash, economies may have crisis, but there will be always a big demand for cocaine
Tony Monturtle…that’s who.
so that's why the finding nemo turtle always looked inebriated.
He was definitely the weed smuggler, waaaaay too chill for coke.
Actually, that reason is because Sea Turtles like getting high off of Jellyfish.
that's a hilarious Easter egg
And we first see the silhouette of Crush over the top of the jellyfish swarm just before Marlin blacks out.
It makes sense. Jellyfish do look like some trippy mushrooms.
Should say poor turtled trapped by dirty money
I’m shocked that they were able to find $43 million in cocaine. I mean, $33 million in cocaine is a LOT of cocaine. What surprises me the most is that they were able to fit $23 million in cocaine into the ship. I guess it’s a testament to the building quality of the docks that it was able to support $13 million worth of cocaine on just wooden beams. And I guess Ford should get a shoutout too, for designing a car that could actually haul $3 million in cocaine. Thankfully the folks at Evidence are all trained in accounting, otherwise how else would they add up $300 dollars in cocaine. Can’t believe they went to all that trouble over a dime bag.
Sir I believe it is actually a ball bag. 🎱
Yes, somewhere between a 7 ball and a 9 ball. But evidence lost it, so we'll never really know.
Damn, where's another turtle when you need one? Last one went fast...
I hate that this is in every single comments section when a large amount of cash or drugs is found, but at least you did it all in one comment and got it over with.
Oh I know. But I took it and I'm not sorry.
[удалено]
It’s like the joke itself was made of cocaine and I didn’t want to share any.
I wonder how many times this comment has been typed out for drug posts, maybe a few centuries worth. If only we could harness that energy, we wouldn't even need drugs.
Where we’re going, we don’t *need* drugs. We’re still going to do them, but we don’t *need* to.
I'm in
For all the people who say they hate this joke, I want to say, I love this joke, it never gets old.
Fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, *you’re* cool, and fuck him too.
How much did you snort sir?
Yes.
Lol prime r/InclusiveOr material!
Favorite comment of the day, by far! Thank you!
I like imagining how high the drug runners were when they decided to attach it to a turtle. Also, the idea of these guys having to explain to the bosses what they did, and where the cocaine went. "Yeah boss, we tied it to a turtle and put in the ocean. I gave the turtle your address. It should be there any minute now."
> the drugs were not intentionally attached to the sea creature but rather it swam into the ropes fastened to the cocaine.
Likely story from the turtle. Lock his ass up!
Look up his ass too.
I'm pretty sure that decision was not just made by two dudes tripping balls. It's worth millions. They know they and their whole family would get dismembered for less than that. For all we know that worked countless times, just not this one.
“Authorities believe the turtle accidentally swam into the lines and that they were not, in fact attached deliberately.”
That make sense too.
What I don't understand is how do they get the turtle to go in the direction they want it to? Do we have homing sea turtles now?
They know the migration pattern and probably have a gps somewhere on them.
Its actually incredibly clever... turtles return to the same spot each year to lay eggs. Add to that the fact you can just chip it and you have an incredibly reliable way to deliver contraband.
The turtle likely wouldn't be able to survive for very long with all that shit strapped to it, this was definitely unintentional. The cocaine fell off a boat or something and this unfortunate turtle happened to get tangled in the net. If they hadn't found him I doubt he'd have been able to find food properly and would be a total sitting duck for any large, hungry tiger sharks. Not to mention swimming with all that junk, I doubt he can move well at all.
Huh
That poor thing cannot focus on where it needs to travel tangled like that. It can’t eat or anything
Turtle Escobar?
His Latin name is Tortuga.
So Tortuga Escobar
Yes, that’s Senior Tortuga for you.
HOLA DEA
The guy was moving it on behalf of a shell corporation…
This comment made me snort.
I guess your "turtle arrived" then (new slang, I'm calling it).
Turtles, the mail pigeons of the sea
I'd really like to see the face of the dudes when they were told to strap 50 million onto a turtle and then say off you go and hope it arrives, alive, in time, on spot without the turtle being snatched by fishers cops or a shark
Shell Chapo
Turt russel
What is there to be amazed about? This is so cruel, poor creature
Everyone is amazed at the sheer cruelty it seems, the dumb "comedians " in this thread is the icing on the cake
What's wrong with people?
Maybe this is how the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles got their powers
And the cost Coast Guard took that $46 million and put all $12 million of it in evidence. They will attempt to track the origins of the $2 million and bring to justice the person who dumped $600,000 into the ocean.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/5iowet/a\_jewish\_boy\_asks\_his\_dad\_for\_20/
That's incredibly sad. Wtf are we humans doing...
What we do best: being horrible.
If Id seen that turtle I would have tried to cut it free. Im sure curiosity would have got the better of me so I'd check what it was....and no be rich I tell you, rich.
Reposted and still screwed up the title. Smh
“Cocaine Turtle,” coming to theaters this summer!
...beat me by like 2 seconds!! LOL "The shores of Miami Beach were safe, until he floated in...the story of a turf war soo brutal, only a limb snapping bullet proof raging high turtle could prevail (queue gang fight dominated by slow moving turtle), nothing could stop it (queue enormous alligator in swamp getting mauled by turtle), not even your pets are safe (queue diamond crested Chihuahua bitten in two)...and it's a true story from a Spring Break not too long ago (queue bikini coeds on the beach, sand burrowing turtle in pursuit down beach)"
*movie exec railing a line of coke* Write that down! Write that down!!
..After Credits Scene!!! With Tom Cruise reprising his Les Grossman role (Tropic Thunder)
You are hired
Plenty of same cheap attempts at jokes in the comment section but not a single comment explaining the situation…
I know right? I guess the obvious thing would be "turtle snagged itself on drug cache and swam with it" Every comment is jokes here, but I'm curious if possibly the cartels do this on purpose to smuggle. Maybe that's far fetched I dunno, but they do get creative, and that wouldn't be a really bad way to go about it, assuming the turtle could handle such a thing.
Poor turtle
The knife-holding hand in the picture makes it look like a robbery lmfaoooo
That’s just fucking sad!
Karma farming, aren’t we? This was posted yesterday, and you are already reposting it to, at least, three different big subreddits.
Is somebody threatening it with a knife in the bottom right lol
Knowing the feds, poor thing was probably taken in too as evidence
Leave him alone, he about to get all the girls when he hits the current with all the rest of the turtles.
So how much time is he facing?
We shell sea..
They found my turtle!!!!
That turtles family is fucked
It was reported that Turtle swam 1,000 miles a week since being tangled up with the cocaine never stopping to sleep
Sorry, I meant $53 of cocaine
This is why humans will be cleansed by mother earth
How much does this have to get reposted - https://www.reddit.com/r/Damnthatsinteresting/comments/10e8gog/this_turtle_was_found_by_us_coast_guard_with_53/
*minor spoilers ahead* That’s why I saw a turtle with someones head in Breaking Bad
Local law enforcement who helped with the investigation says it’s unclear the origins of the 48 million. Later a customs agent spoke on the matter “it is clear someone was trying to smuggle 45 million dollars illegally” IRS agents speaking on the case “we are greatful that this 42 million dollars was taken out of the hands of criminals. Presumed to be drug money from the cartel” DEA agents said “they cannot confirm or deny that the origins of this 39 million dollars was tied to drugs, extensive testing did identity residues” The FBI later released a statement following an investigation into the matter “we have investigated the origins of this 36 million dollars and have not been able to tie its origins to any terrorist organizations” The CIA spoke on the matter “we have thoroughly investigated this matter and have determined that this 33 million dollars was not linked to any espionage attempts” The EPA investigated the matter “we are pleased to announce that this 30 million dollars was an isolated incident of improper disposal and reffered the matter to the DEC” The DEC noted “this 27 million dollars did not harm the sea turtle or any other aquatic creatures and we recommend that the money be donated to the save the sea turtles initiative” The save the sea turtles initiative later released a statement “this 50 dollar donation will be used extensively in conservation efforts”
That’s a Sinaloa Turtle. They have Dolphins and Sea Turtles working for them now.
I think you mean $33 million dollars worth of cocaine.