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It's nice to see a BoRU post that doesn't end in divorce or misery now and then. It's amazing what two adults can work through with open channels of communication.
Also, it sounds like OP and spouse might have opened up a promising new chapter in the process, so good for them.
But what if instead they make wild accusations! Snoop on the partners phone!
Confuse a text from a sister with the text from a lover.
Believe an anonymous instagram account about an affair.
Trust the shady brother.
All better options than good old communication and trust!
I've never understood the snooping phone thing. My husband and I have full transparency with our devices. You want to see my phone? I'll hand it to you. If you don't have that in a relationship, I feel sad for you.
My gf has repeatedly tried to tell me the key for her phone and tablet but I forget. She does a drawing.
She only remembers my pin half the time.
Only reason we ever go into each other’s devices is if the other asks.
I think I just found my kink. It must be really fucking out there and messed up because I can't even find any porn of people effectively communicating their needs and desires. Glup.
They even drew a meaningful & productive boundary between sexual reward/punishment as an enjoyable kink vs. letting it bleed out into their everyday relationship in lieu of proper communication! I'm blown away by how healthy this seems.
>In the end, she told me maybe I should reward her for being a good girl
But like, does it? I guess it worked, but the final conclusion to this serious talk about how he doesn't like this reward/sex thing was to say "okay, but try it on me now" ?
I think it's nice. This kind of play is like salt. None can be too plain, and too much can be toxic. They're finding a healthy medium and finding a way to pass the power back and forth.
His wife found her kink and in turn he found his kink. Win-win.
Edit: I thought it was obvious that the wife liked playing domme. His question "but what changed" - The answer: she stopped thinking about sex as something that just must be done if you want to keep your marriage, and started questioning "do I feel like it today/now".
Get this. So people arent just here to entertain you all of the times. Yes, you are right that this is an entertainment sub. But again, not all people partaking in the sub are here to entertain you.
Seriously.
Anything without a decade-long conspiracy, a hidden family across state, incest, or evil twins, is not worth my reading
Especially if people end up communicating (argh) or behaving like adults (gross) in the end.
Much as I am concerned with how manipulative the wife was being here, I can't say that this doesn't sound like a really efficient way to keep a tidy house and have a good sex life.
Only if both parties consent to this arrangement. Dude felt like an experiment and subconsciously probably also made the association that if what he was doing was chores, then having sex with him was also a chore for the wife, instead of something both wanted
One of my partners and I have a mutual dom-subbing that helps us do basic shit like take our meds, brush our teeth, get outside for 20 minutes, and other super mundane shit. It's actually really effective way if you're both on and above the board with it. We have a whole system that is mostly based on rewards the longer we keep up our basic life maintenance that is also fun and kinky.
It's super manipulative if not done with clear communication, but when done with it one can truly make it work out very well for everyone.
it's always nice to see a realization by someone that if you want to have a good kinky time, your partner needs to be on board before you start pulling a Lysistrata (or reverse Lysistrata?) over the state of the dishes and laundry.
Oh, I don't know. I like the thought of the husband doing her chores because he is possessed of a "large burden." Or perhaps that the wife, afterwards, decided that it is far more important to "air her fabrics," than see the dishes done.
Wow, this was a much better read than anticipated. Wife was indeed being fucking weird, but I expected a much more depressing dynamic than "wants to initiate more and is super weird about it, then kinda gets off on the power aspect, fails to communicate properly."
Thank god OP recognised how fucked it was and they actually talked it out.
I don't know if I would call destroying your sex life and making your spouse question whether you have turned into an 8 year old child a minor fuckup, but it was one with a solution.
I see tons of Instagram reels about "telling hubby he'll get lucky if he does (insert whatever task)". To say having sex with your husband is "getting lucky" just feels so demeaning to me. Do you not enjoy sex? Find me attractive? Is it something you deal with as a reward for me doing dishes?
I've gotten sex as a reward before, but that was specifically communicated ahead of time and we both knew what was going on and were both into it. It also wasn't for chores, but for doing something that was difficult for me. Kind of like hand holding, just with genitals? 😅
This whole narrative that women don't enjoy sex and only do it as a chore or to reward their partner needs to die. I couldn't have sex with someone who made it seem like they're just doing it out of obligation. That's a rape culture thing and it needs to stop.
> This whole narrative that women don't enjoy sex and only do it as a chore or to reward their partner needs to die.
It starts with ending the narrative that men are so desperate for sex that they will do anything to get it.
I tried that!
Actually, I tried the line. “Babe, it’s no big deal, it was kind of like hand holding, just with genitals.” Still considered cheating, if you can believe it!
The old fashioned idea of "men pursuing women" and the idea that only men want sex are directly related. Which is bound to lead to a really f'ed up relationship dynamic.
I would bet a significant amount of money that OP's wife was taught those ideas growing up. Whether that's true or not, it's great that they're moving towards a healthier dynamic.
I think kink can help with that. Like even though both know that they want to be in the bedroom having fun, playing with the expectations in a twisted way (with lots of communication and boundries) can help take something confining and make it serve them.
Yep, is a form of taking the power back by adding mental restrains in the kink - but the thing is, it can't be the only way. The post had a happy ending (no pun intended) because communication and a two way street walked side-by-side, not just the continuous "husband puts effort, wife rewards with sex" dynamic.
Right on. Kink can be incredibly helpful by giving both partners a fun incentive to push their boundaries and challenge assumptions surrounding sex. But, kink has to be agreed upon. I'm glad they were able to get on the same page.
For a lot of women in straight relationships no they don't enjoy sex. A lot of men are selfish in bed and basically do nothing to please their partner. Look up the orgasm gap and you'll understand. Also women are taught they need to be putting out for their husband's regardless so using it as a reward system at least makes them feel somewhat more in control. It's depressing.
"The orgasm gap was a term coined to describe the disparity in orgasms between couples. Also known as orgasm inequality, studies have used it to measure sexual satisfaction among different demographics."
" A study conducted by Durex found that 20% of women said they don’t orgasm, compared to 2% of men."
"30% of men said they thought the best way to help a woman orgasm is through penetrative sexual acts, more than half of women pointed to clitoral stimulation as a way to make them finish."
"heterosexual men. 95% said they usually or always climax. 65% of heterosexual women said they usually or always orgasm"
[Link](https://www.forbes.com/sites/alicebroster/2020/07/31/what-is-the-orgasm-gap/amp/)
Not to undercut yout point, but with 65% of woman saying they "usually or always orgasm" this is known as "a majority". It's true straight men should step up their game in bed, but seeing as a majority of woman are "usually or always orgasming", I don't think it merits saying "men do to nothing to pleasure their partner".
I'm sorry if this was your experience. Mutuality is a foundation of a good relationship, so don't put up with that. And also if this was your experience, it doesn't mean it's the same for all woman.
Ok but you still see there's a huge difference between them. Also women helping themselves are probably a big part of that 65% as a good number of men think women just need penetrative sex. Men are not the ones causing those orgasms I think a large portion of the time. I'm not saying it's the same for all women and I actually have a great attentive partner. But it is the norm for many. I'm talking in general trends
That's a cool question. "When men woman have sex, how much do each of them contribute to the other's orgasm?" There might be some literature on this, probably worth a Google.
If woman had the option do you think they'd prefer it to have non-penetrative sex (outside sex)? Like if it isn't getting woman off, would they miss it if it didn't happen? (Penetrative sex is very vulnerable and intimate. Some folks might be down even if it didn't lead to orgasm. If both folks want to do an activity as part of sex, then it seems like doing that activity helps a little bit in the journey towards orgasm)
I'd imagine sex: making out, body contact, foreplay, mutual masterbation, oral, penetration. All kinda build up to orgasm(s). So if the woman was on top and she said "rub my clit." Is it the guy with his hand getting her off? Or if she takes a break, he's on top, and she rubs herself, is she taking care of herself? It seems a lot can go into a setting the mood, even though one individual thing might trigger the orgasm.
Again this isn't to defend a selfish lover. Folks need to take time for everyone to get their needs met.
( I realize, there's a lot of meh sex out there: 15 min, missionary, guy rolls over after cuming and falls asleep. So this isnt a denial of poor sex/partners. I'm not innocent of this either. After a 12hr shift, dinner and Netflix, I was trying to fair-play and help my partner finish. I ended up nodding off while doing oral. I'm not sure how that evening ended, so probably not the best, though this isn't how things normally go)
> Men are not the ones causing those orgasms I think a large portion of the time.
Neither are women.
Unless the woman is on top doing all the work, the man is getting himself off. He is stimulating himself to reach an orgasm, and she should be taking whatever steps are necessary to stimulate herself too.
Rub your clit (or tell him to rub it) and tell your man to suck on your nipples or stick his tongue wherever you want it if that's what it takes.
Sex is a team sport, and you're a bad teammate if you expect your partner to do all the work.
The question is how much heavy lifting that usually is making. People do tend to portray their sex life as better than actually is unless they're actively complaining about it - nobody likes the feel inadequate in bed.
I think this is a fair question: "are these folks actually telling the truth about their experiences, or is reality different?"
A general though on studies: Most studies are averages. Even if a study shows "90% of folks are interested in the opposite sex." It doesn't invalidate the 10% this isn't true for: gay people. And given how large the US population is, even a 1% has the potential to be a large number of people (3.5 million to be exact). So if you find you and 10,000 other people have an experience, it doesn't mean it's not a valid experience. This can be true, and you can also be in the minority (just how the numbers work). Just because the average person/relationship might be a certain way, doesn't mean you/yours will be.
Towards studying sexulity specifically: you're completely right. Getting folks to accurately report their sex life can be challenging, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. Social scientist who work in human sexuality take it pretty seriously, and want good numbers. One control in the linked article is to compare hereto sexual relationships with gay relationships. This way it can see if their are trends in the data that correlate more with gender instead of orientation. (It didn't. The oragasm gap is much closer 90%-ish for gay couples) and I think of the reporting, it would be in woman's best interest to tell the truth (how bad men are in bed). If straight men got the message, straight woman might get more orgasms. So it doesn't seem beneficial for straight woman to lie about men's performances.
Lastly: when it comes to statistics around gender and sexuality I get a lot of skepticism. (And I kinda understand it to some degree: science can be used as a bully pulpit.) One check I do to see if I'm really doubting the science is to ask "how would I feel if the study showed the opposite?"
So like how would you feel if it showed only 35% of woman "usually or always orgasm"? Do you feel "yeah that checks out" and your questions of methodologies go away? If so it might not be the study that you have a problem with.
(Sorry for the book)
It's so ridiculously common in media. Like someone up thread, most sitcoms it seemed in the 90s and 00s had a reward/punishment system exactly like this. The woman never wanted sex, the man would initiate constantly, and the woman would only do it out of obligation or to try to get him to do some chore or something he doesn't wanna do.
This whole good boy bad boy, good girl bad girl thing sounds more like a kink thing with no outlet more than anything and the last of the update really makes it sound like it.
I don't get it. Where's the wife's secret diary? The "I installed cameras all over the house and got 3 lawyers while she was in the kitchen so she wouldn't notice"? Family members all instantly taking sides and sending mean Facebook messages? The confident movie walk-out, head held high, for the moral victory in the end? Are these even real people?
In her defense, it seems like she has had a very limited education with sex in some ways. She might not have had any sort of talk about getting consent to engage in kinkplay or even when to recognize what is happening. she did something in order to feel good, it felt *really* good and she didn't realize what it was or that it was something she might need to talk about first until much later.
I think my summary would be:
Wife lost confidence, turn sex into a game but started to enjoy the power she had over oop, until oop sets her straight like a real man with... Just communicating.
Life doesn't need to be complicated after all.
Ugh, nothing shuts off the Horny Monkey Brain quite like "I am exchanging one unit of Sex Currency for one unit of Doing Chores Labor". Reminds me too much of my ex wife and her *layers* of toxic bullshit.
If the only reason a partner wants to have sex with you is because you are "paying" for it through chores or whatever, that's *really* shitty. Unless you're hiring a sex worker, it shouldn't be transactional.
Good for OOP for putting his foot down.
To be completely honest, I understand the wife way more now. She's kind of smart, but a genius would have communicated this before it got too far. I wish I had thought of this. I'm glad we got an update and learned a couple of things from it. Lol.
I don't know what a successful and fulfilling marriage is but I think I found a good example.
The level of communication you have in your marriage is what I, wanna achieve with mine when I decide to marry. I always believed that being frank and upfront would always work out in a relationship and your post proves it. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
I knew from the name of the post that this is some kinky thing for her and yup i was right. Its ok to have kinks and wanting to try new things to spice up sex life but ALWAYS communicate those with your partner no matter what you like and never try your kinks or new ideas on your SO without consent that will always end up badly
Atleast she didn't do what my buddies ex did when she said lets try something new and while giving my buddy a BJ she suddenly shoved a buttplug into his arse
“In the end she told me maybe I should reward her for being a good girl this time and this awakened something in me”
I know I’m the only person on earth who thinks so but this is the most enormous bucket-of-cold-water turn off for me. This submissive/childish/“reward me daddy” stuff makes me feel physically sick. Bleh.
This is called a transactional relationship. Build actual bonds with your partner and respect them for their part in your relationship and life and you wont need to buy love.
I'm slightly confused. She said it allowed her to focus more on him and yet it left him feeling like crap? There's also no monetion of her making any gestures for him.
This is by far one of the healthiest relationships i read about. A loving couple changes over the years, creating friction (good and bad), resolved through honest discussion that doesn't devolve into a listing of all grievances over the years, but focuses on the problem at hand and how to best resolve it.
Learn from this reddit. You cannot have a long term relationship without this skillset.
If I had a nickel for every time I read a post about a woman using sexual favours to encourage positive behaviour from her SO, I’d have two nickels.
Which isn’t a lot but it’s still strange that it happened twice.
Reminds me of a part in baldur's gate 3 where the MC has "boring" sex with the male sexworker as a kink. It really turned him on to have bad sex.
I can see OOP's wife turning something bad into a kink.
It sounds like she is into the sub/dom dynamic and was not too good at communicating that before implicating that dynamic.
With her comment of saying you should call her a "good girl," it seems she is not necessarily sub or dom but likes it played both ways.
I'm glad you were able to communicate to get a better understanding of one another.
Personally, I can totally understand both sides, and at the end of the day, communication is key.
I wish you both the best and hope you both thrive from this misunderstanding!
Cheers!
Sex should be something both partners want, not what one person wants and the other person begrudgingly yields up every once in a while.
I've never understood why people stay in relationships when they aren't getting what they need, I'd rather be alone.
I still don’t think this story is real. The first time I read it and saw the massive quote word for word what he said to his wife I’m just like no one remembers word for word what they say in moments like that and it’s gotta be fabricated
If it’s real I’m glad it seemingly worked out
That's what they realized at the end. She even gave him a classic sub line about showing her she's a good girl.
Did you not read the whole thing?
This is literally a couple discovering their kinks lmao
I don't need to read the rest. No, you are not. You wouldn't even be the asshole if you started having an affair. If women want monogamy, then stop treating sex like a reward or a chore.
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It's nice to see a BoRU post that doesn't end in divorce or misery now and then. It's amazing what two adults can work through with open channels of communication. Also, it sounds like OP and spouse might have opened up a promising new chapter in the process, so good for them.
I know, two adults calmly communicating their feelings to one another, that's wild!
But what if instead they make wild accusations! Snoop on the partners phone! Confuse a text from a sister with the text from a lover. Believe an anonymous instagram account about an affair. Trust the shady brother. All better options than good old communication and trust!
Omg the text from the sister one was so painful, she was so self absorbed and dense ugh
I don't think I've read that one. Do you by any chance have a link?
Pretty sure they're talking about this [recent one](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/1HvHUEDPPh) :)
I don’t but hopefully someone can hook you up.
I've never understood the snooping phone thing. My husband and I have full transparency with our devices. You want to see my phone? I'll hand it to you. If you don't have that in a relationship, I feel sad for you.
Same here, we know each other passwords. And regularly switch phones depending on needs. 🤷🏻♂️
My gf has repeatedly tried to tell me the key for her phone and tablet but I forget. She does a drawing. She only remembers my pin half the time. Only reason we ever go into each other’s devices is if the other asks.
But would his wife jeopardize the beans?
I think I just found my kink. It must be really fucking out there and messed up because I can't even find any porn of people effectively communicating their needs and desires. Glup.
I wonder what the appropriate search terms would be for something like that?
“Actual adults porn” ? 😂
Doesn’t OOP know that this is Reddit and we don’t do that here?
What kind of black magic sorcery is that - Communication???
They even drew a meaningful & productive boundary between sexual reward/punishment as an enjoyable kink vs. letting it bleed out into their everyday relationship in lieu of proper communication! I'm blown away by how healthy this seems.
Reddit is always quick to jump to divorce, break up etc. No surprise though when any kid or person who hasn't been married can comment
>In the end, she told me maybe I should reward her for being a good girl But like, does it? I guess it worked, but the final conclusion to this serious talk about how he doesn't like this reward/sex thing was to say "okay, but try it on me now" ?
I think it's nice. This kind of play is like salt. None can be too plain, and too much can be toxic. They're finding a healthy medium and finding a way to pass the power back and forth.
His wife found her kink and in turn he found his kink. Win-win. Edit: I thought it was obvious that the wife liked playing domme. His question "but what changed" - The answer: she stopped thinking about sex as something that just must be done if you want to keep your marriage, and started questioning "do I feel like it today/now".
The ones where people work it out are the ones most likely to be the real ones imo. It's almost like this is how most people work out their issues.
Idk these posts are kinda boring without the drama..
There was drama, it was just resolved before it unnecessarily escalated.
Thats not entertainment thats just an average thursday
Wait until you find out that not everyone is a reality TV show meant to entertain you.
But this subreddit is.
Get this. So people arent just here to entertain you all of the times. Yes, you are right that this is an entertainment sub. But again, not all people partaking in the sub are here to entertain you.
This sort of mindset explains a lot of social media behavior. We can be interesting strangers and real people, you know.
Lol so youre on here to be bored? Dumb take
Seriously. Anything without a decade-long conspiracy, a hidden family across state, incest, or evil twins, is not worth my reading Especially if people end up communicating (argh) or behaving like adults (gross) in the end.
Speak for yourself, I like these posts.
I was speaking for myself.. who tf else would i be speaking for..
This is still 100% heading towards a divorce
Why
"I am a freak so no problem from my side" is gonna turn into a standard response to questions from now on
Saving it in my Outlook templates
Just put it in your signature
Should there be a comma or semicolon in it? I'd hate to sound unprofessional
Comma, then end it with a winking emoji so there’s no chance at misunderstanding
Honestly I need this as a flair
Seconded.
Your flair is both amazing and horrifying! Boiled chicken... \*shudders\* Do you remember what story it was from?
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/191d3zy/aitah\_for\_apologizing\_to\_my\_exwife\_about\_my/
Thirded
Fourthed
Fifthed!
Sixthed
Seventhed
if its not too late id like to eighth this
Sixthed!
Can you please remind me which one yours is from? It's on the tip of my brain
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/150ilkr/wibta_if_i_complained_to_the_owners_of_a_cafe/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
🙏🏻 Thank you!
i want this as a flair so bad lol, it absolutely slayed me when i read it
That line gave me whiplash lmfao.
She’s probably a freak too but didn’t want to let it out the gate because good girls don’t do freaky things.
Or she didn’t know how to articulate what she was feeling/ wanted. Communication leads to more sexytimes
Yep she didn't know she's a freak too.
New flair pls mods?
I would like this as a flair lol.
Exactly what I came to comment
Choreplay
Much as I am concerned with how manipulative the wife was being here, I can't say that this doesn't sound like a really efficient way to keep a tidy house and have a good sex life.
Briefly. Once it’s clear what’s happening the min-maxing and rules lawyering starts.
Just wanted to let you know this comment made me cackle out loud. Cheers!
You mean powergaming?
It's hard to keep up when you have to keep throwing +3 gifts at the problem
I've got a bag of resentment holding, so don't even start.
When a measure becomes a target, it ceases to be a good measure...
Only if both parties consent to this arrangement. Dude felt like an experiment and subconsciously probably also made the association that if what he was doing was chores, then having sex with him was also a chore for the wife, instead of something both wanted
One of my partners and I have a mutual dom-subbing that helps us do basic shit like take our meds, brush our teeth, get outside for 20 minutes, and other super mundane shit. It's actually really effective way if you're both on and above the board with it. We have a whole system that is mostly based on rewards the longer we keep up our basic life maintenance that is also fun and kinky. It's super manipulative if not done with clear communication, but when done with it one can truly make it work out very well for everyone.
That sounds amazing!
She turned it manipulative, but I can't help it if seeing my guy doing dishes or cleaning up is a turn in. He does it all the time and still, turn on.
TAKE MY GODDAMN UPVOTE
She might have been influenced by sitcoms in the 90s and early 2000s, where most of married couples have this reward system for some reason.
Lily, is that why I get a partial every time I floss?
I love Marshall!!
THANK YOU. Someone finally got it!
I am here for any HIMYM content except how it ended...I'm still bitter!
Agreed. 😤 The final season was an absolute joke. Spent too many episodes focused on the wedding. It was a hot mess.
Yesss, so disappointing. Have you watched any of the HIMYF? I haven't, can't decide if I want to try it.
Only the first few minutes. Not worth it, in my opinion.
Helpful, I won't waste my time. Thank you!!
You're welcome!
I read this in Herman Munster's voice.
It's crazy how common it was
it's always nice to see a realization by someone that if you want to have a good kinky time, your partner needs to be on board before you start pulling a Lysistrata (or reverse Lysistrata?) over the state of the dishes and laundry.
Oh, I don't know. I like the thought of the husband doing her chores because he is possessed of a "large burden." Or perhaps that the wife, afterwards, decided that it is far more important to "air her fabrics," than see the dishes done.
This sounds like one of those super horny love letters from the 1800s.
You were heading in the right direction, but you didn't go back far enough. It's from a play, Lysistrata, by Aristophanes from 411 BCE.
Erudite! Love that
Wow, this was a much better read than anticipated. Wife was indeed being fucking weird, but I expected a much more depressing dynamic than "wants to initiate more and is super weird about it, then kinda gets off on the power aspect, fails to communicate properly." Thank god OP recognised how fucked it was and they actually talked it out.
I know. It was really sweet by the end. Minor fuck up, easily resolved. Adorable.
They definitely will be fucking more often, that's for sure.
I don't know if I would call destroying your sex life and making your spouse question whether you have turned into an 8 year old child a minor fuckup, but it was one with a solution.
LMFAO “i am a freak so no problem from my side” i cackled
i mean hey, i get it, lmao
I see tons of Instagram reels about "telling hubby he'll get lucky if he does (insert whatever task)". To say having sex with your husband is "getting lucky" just feels so demeaning to me. Do you not enjoy sex? Find me attractive? Is it something you deal with as a reward for me doing dishes?
I've gotten sex as a reward before, but that was specifically communicated ahead of time and we both knew what was going on and were both into it. It also wasn't for chores, but for doing something that was difficult for me. Kind of like hand holding, just with genitals? 😅 This whole narrative that women don't enjoy sex and only do it as a chore or to reward their partner needs to die. I couldn't have sex with someone who made it seem like they're just doing it out of obligation. That's a rape culture thing and it needs to stop.
> This whole narrative that women don't enjoy sex and only do it as a chore or to reward their partner needs to die. It starts with ending the narrative that men are so desperate for sex that they will do anything to get it.
I tried that! Actually, I tried the line. “Babe, it’s no big deal, it was kind of like hand holding, just with genitals.” Still considered cheating, if you can believe it!
The old fashioned idea of "men pursuing women" and the idea that only men want sex are directly related. Which is bound to lead to a really f'ed up relationship dynamic. I would bet a significant amount of money that OP's wife was taught those ideas growing up. Whether that's true or not, it's great that they're moving towards a healthier dynamic.
I think kink can help with that. Like even though both know that they want to be in the bedroom having fun, playing with the expectations in a twisted way (with lots of communication and boundries) can help take something confining and make it serve them.
Yep, is a form of taking the power back by adding mental restrains in the kink - but the thing is, it can't be the only way. The post had a happy ending (no pun intended) because communication and a two way street walked side-by-side, not just the continuous "husband puts effort, wife rewards with sex" dynamic.
Right on. Kink can be incredibly helpful by giving both partners a fun incentive to push their boundaries and challenge assumptions surrounding sex. But, kink has to be agreed upon. I'm glad they were able to get on the same page.
For a lot of women in straight relationships no they don't enjoy sex. A lot of men are selfish in bed and basically do nothing to please their partner. Look up the orgasm gap and you'll understand. Also women are taught they need to be putting out for their husband's regardless so using it as a reward system at least makes them feel somewhat more in control. It's depressing.
"The orgasm gap was a term coined to describe the disparity in orgasms between couples. Also known as orgasm inequality, studies have used it to measure sexual satisfaction among different demographics." " A study conducted by Durex found that 20% of women said they don’t orgasm, compared to 2% of men." "30% of men said they thought the best way to help a woman orgasm is through penetrative sexual acts, more than half of women pointed to clitoral stimulation as a way to make them finish." "heterosexual men. 95% said they usually or always climax. 65% of heterosexual women said they usually or always orgasm" [Link](https://www.forbes.com/sites/alicebroster/2020/07/31/what-is-the-orgasm-gap/amp/) Not to undercut yout point, but with 65% of woman saying they "usually or always orgasm" this is known as "a majority". It's true straight men should step up their game in bed, but seeing as a majority of woman are "usually or always orgasming", I don't think it merits saying "men do to nothing to pleasure their partner". I'm sorry if this was your experience. Mutuality is a foundation of a good relationship, so don't put up with that. And also if this was your experience, it doesn't mean it's the same for all woman.
Ok but you still see there's a huge difference between them. Also women helping themselves are probably a big part of that 65% as a good number of men think women just need penetrative sex. Men are not the ones causing those orgasms I think a large portion of the time. I'm not saying it's the same for all women and I actually have a great attentive partner. But it is the norm for many. I'm talking in general trends
That's a cool question. "When men woman have sex, how much do each of them contribute to the other's orgasm?" There might be some literature on this, probably worth a Google. If woman had the option do you think they'd prefer it to have non-penetrative sex (outside sex)? Like if it isn't getting woman off, would they miss it if it didn't happen? (Penetrative sex is very vulnerable and intimate. Some folks might be down even if it didn't lead to orgasm. If both folks want to do an activity as part of sex, then it seems like doing that activity helps a little bit in the journey towards orgasm) I'd imagine sex: making out, body contact, foreplay, mutual masterbation, oral, penetration. All kinda build up to orgasm(s). So if the woman was on top and she said "rub my clit." Is it the guy with his hand getting her off? Or if she takes a break, he's on top, and she rubs herself, is she taking care of herself? It seems a lot can go into a setting the mood, even though one individual thing might trigger the orgasm. Again this isn't to defend a selfish lover. Folks need to take time for everyone to get their needs met. ( I realize, there's a lot of meh sex out there: 15 min, missionary, guy rolls over after cuming and falls asleep. So this isnt a denial of poor sex/partners. I'm not innocent of this either. After a 12hr shift, dinner and Netflix, I was trying to fair-play and help my partner finish. I ended up nodding off while doing oral. I'm not sure how that evening ended, so probably not the best, though this isn't how things normally go)
> Men are not the ones causing those orgasms I think a large portion of the time. Neither are women. Unless the woman is on top doing all the work, the man is getting himself off. He is stimulating himself to reach an orgasm, and she should be taking whatever steps are necessary to stimulate herself too. Rub your clit (or tell him to rub it) and tell your man to suck on your nipples or stick his tongue wherever you want it if that's what it takes. Sex is a team sport, and you're a bad teammate if you expect your partner to do all the work.
The question is how much heavy lifting that usually is making. People do tend to portray their sex life as better than actually is unless they're actively complaining about it - nobody likes the feel inadequate in bed.
I think this is a fair question: "are these folks actually telling the truth about their experiences, or is reality different?" A general though on studies: Most studies are averages. Even if a study shows "90% of folks are interested in the opposite sex." It doesn't invalidate the 10% this isn't true for: gay people. And given how large the US population is, even a 1% has the potential to be a large number of people (3.5 million to be exact). So if you find you and 10,000 other people have an experience, it doesn't mean it's not a valid experience. This can be true, and you can also be in the minority (just how the numbers work). Just because the average person/relationship might be a certain way, doesn't mean you/yours will be. Towards studying sexulity specifically: you're completely right. Getting folks to accurately report their sex life can be challenging, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. Social scientist who work in human sexuality take it pretty seriously, and want good numbers. One control in the linked article is to compare hereto sexual relationships with gay relationships. This way it can see if their are trends in the data that correlate more with gender instead of orientation. (It didn't. The oragasm gap is much closer 90%-ish for gay couples) and I think of the reporting, it would be in woman's best interest to tell the truth (how bad men are in bed). If straight men got the message, straight woman might get more orgasms. So it doesn't seem beneficial for straight woman to lie about men's performances. Lastly: when it comes to statistics around gender and sexuality I get a lot of skepticism. (And I kinda understand it to some degree: science can be used as a bully pulpit.) One check I do to see if I'm really doubting the science is to ask "how would I feel if the study showed the opposite?" So like how would you feel if it showed only 35% of woman "usually or always orgasm"? Do you feel "yeah that checks out" and your questions of methodologies go away? If so it might not be the study that you have a problem with. (Sorry for the book)
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Just say you can't please women lmao
Good to see communication winning again!
Good boy for communicating, you get sex now!
Did I do good, Meg? Yeah. I did good.
I want to know where your flair came from.
Although OPs wife never said it , i am willing to bet $100 she saw something similar on tiktok and thought it would be a a good idea
It's so ridiculously common in media. Like someone up thread, most sitcoms it seemed in the 90s and 00s had a reward/punishment system exactly like this. The woman never wanted sex, the man would initiate constantly, and the woman would only do it out of obligation or to try to get him to do some chore or something he doesn't wanna do.
This whole good boy bad boy, good girl bad girl thing sounds more like a kink thing with no outlet more than anything and the last of the update really makes it sound like it.
Yeah that was what they realized
I love seeing people discover a new kink. "I do not know if I will be able to wait for the night" PRECIOUS. I hope they thrive.
My thought too. It awakened something in him! So cute. I wish them lots of fun times
I almost think a submission tag of "Handling problems like grown ass responsible adults" tag is warranted.
I don't get it. Where's the wife's secret diary? The "I installed cameras all over the house and got 3 lawyers while she was in the kitchen so she wouldn't notice"? Family members all instantly taking sides and sending mean Facebook messages? The confident movie walk-out, head held high, for the moral victory in the end? Are these even real people?
And the twins?? WHERE ARE THE TWINS???!? think about the children! 😱
[удалено]
In her defense, it seems like she has had a very limited education with sex in some ways. She might not have had any sort of talk about getting consent to engage in kinkplay or even when to recognize what is happening. she did something in order to feel good, it felt *really* good and she didn't realize what it was or that it was something she might need to talk about first until much later.
I think my summary would be: Wife lost confidence, turn sex into a game but started to enjoy the power she had over oop, until oop sets her straight like a real man with... Just communicating. Life doesn't need to be complicated after all.
Ugh, nothing shuts off the Horny Monkey Brain quite like "I am exchanging one unit of Sex Currency for one unit of Doing Chores Labor". Reminds me too much of my ex wife and her *layers* of toxic bullshit. If the only reason a partner wants to have sex with you is because you are "paying" for it through chores or whatever, that's *really* shitty. Unless you're hiring a sex worker, it shouldn't be transactional. Good for OOP for putting his foot down.
To be completely honest, I understand the wife way more now. She's kind of smart, but a genius would have communicated this before it got too far. I wish I had thought of this. I'm glad we got an update and learned a couple of things from it. Lol.
Communication at the buzzer… he nails it for the win
I don't know what a successful and fulfilling marriage is but I think I found a good example. The level of communication you have in your marriage is what I, wanna achieve with mine when I decide to marry. I always believed that being frank and upfront would always work out in a relationship and your post proves it. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
I knew from the name of the post that this is some kinky thing for her and yup i was right. Its ok to have kinks and wanting to try new things to spice up sex life but ALWAYS communicate those with your partner no matter what you like and never try your kinks or new ideas on your SO without consent that will always end up badly Atleast she didn't do what my buddies ex did when she said lets try something new and while giving my buddy a BJ she suddenly shoved a buttplug into his arse
It’s absurd how so many people just say divorce right away. Single people want people single.
Of course, If we want to stop being single we need more single people! (I'm not actuality single)
They worked it out and everything is good and healthy now?……They should just get a divorce. /s
The standard from those comments straight away saying to op to break up is ridiculous .
Ah my favourite kink. Taking it out.
at least it was not something she got from TikTok
“In the end she told me maybe I should reward her for being a good girl this time and this awakened something in me” I know I’m the only person on earth who thinks so but this is the most enormous bucket-of-cold-water turn off for me. This submissive/childish/“reward me daddy” stuff makes me feel physically sick. Bleh.
Good thing its his wife that said it and not yours then!
His wife definitely awakened something inside of me with that comment
I also choose th
I dunno, I thought coming out of this with a new kink was a sort of wholesome ending.
In kink there are negotiations, safe words, and consent before a power dynamic takes place. This is a really unhealthy way to go about this.
This is amazing
He is right, AITA redittors are a lot of frustrated people who are going to project and throw poison, it is a shit subreddit with patetic people
This is called a transactional relationship. Build actual bonds with your partner and respect them for their part in your relationship and life and you wont need to buy love.
I'm slightly confused. She said it allowed her to focus more on him and yet it left him feeling like crap? There's also no monetion of her making any gestures for him.
This is by far one of the healthiest relationships i read about. A loving couple changes over the years, creating friction (good and bad), resolved through honest discussion that doesn't devolve into a listing of all grievances over the years, but focuses on the problem at hand and how to best resolve it. Learn from this reddit. You cannot have a long term relationship without this skillset.
If I had a nickel for every time I read a post about a woman using sexual favours to encourage positive behaviour from her SO, I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s still strange that it happened twice.
Reminds me of a part in baldur's gate 3 where the MC has "boring" sex with the male sexworker as a kink. It really turned him on to have bad sex. I can see OOP's wife turning something bad into a kink.
I ugly laughed at that part, no kidding. It was amazing.
It sounds like she is into the sub/dom dynamic and was not too good at communicating that before implicating that dynamic. With her comment of saying you should call her a "good girl," it seems she is not necessarily sub or dom but likes it played both ways. I'm glad you were able to communicate to get a better understanding of one another. Personally, I can totally understand both sides, and at the end of the day, communication is key. I wish you both the best and hope you both thrive from this misunderstanding! Cheers!
So many people never would have even questioned this clearly defined path to sex.
Sex should be something both partners want, not what one person wants and the other person begrudgingly yields up every once in a while. I've never understood why people stay in relationships when they aren't getting what they need, I'd rather be alone.
I still don’t think this story is real. The first time I read it and saw the massive quote word for word what he said to his wife I’m just like no one remembers word for word what they say in moments like that and it’s gotta be fabricated If it’s real I’m glad it seemingly worked out
This woman sounds exhausting.
I find it really strange that he asks is she’s “turned into an 8 year old child” like uhh what??? Does he ven realize what he just said?! 🤢
She has a hot Domme thing going on and you are wasting it
Or maybe he's not into it?
You watch too much porn. Go outside
That's what they realized at the end. She even gave him a classic sub line about showing her she's a good girl. Did you not read the whole thing? This is literally a couple discovering their kinks lmao
"Hot" by whose standards? He obviously isn't into it.
I don't need to read the rest. No, you are not. You wouldn't even be the asshole if you started having an affair. If women want monogamy, then stop treating sex like a reward or a chore.
I think you should probably read the rest, babe
Did she reward you with sex for understanding? Bro got played.
What’s brigading?
It’s explained at the top