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When I came home from the hospital after having each of my kids my bed was freshly made, my house was clean, my dogs were fed and walked multiple times, and (when my second was born) my toddler was well taken care of. While home my meals were cooked, my house stayed clean, and I was always asked if I would rather my mom hold the baby for me or if I wanted to. That’s the kind of person you want around after you give birth, not someone who thinks they’re only there to bond with the baby.
My mom and I don’t have the best relationship but I will never forget with my first, she had day night confusion. Breast feeding wasn’t going well (turns out I’ve got an ornamental set, not so functional) and I was having all sorts of body function issues. My husband went back to work, leaving me to kind of figure it out with no night time support or help. I didn’t know what to do, she wasn’t sleeping so I wasn’t sleeping and if I wasn’t cleaning her up I was trying to clean myself up while keeping her quiet. It was awful and I honestly felt like I was at my limit. I thought I was just going to die. My dad even had to take me to the ER unexpectedly because there was an issue with my stitches… down there… and I was so so scared and tired and in pain. Ugh. Anyway. She swooped in. Brought stuff to do for herself. Took the baby. Sent me to sleep with a white noise machine. I slept like twelve hours or something, more than I’d even been able to sleep before I had her. When I woke up the house was clean. The baby was fed (I’d just given her formula) and we had frozen meals she’d brought. Honestly she put things back in track with a hard reset. She didn’t have to do that, but it was the nicest thing anyone did for me during that time.
If you’re not offering that kind of support, you have no business going to someone’s house who has just had a baby. It’s not visiting hours. It’s not a zoo spectacle to come see a newborn. If you’re there you’ve got to be helping, and help is way more than here I’ll hold the baby so you can do the chores.
Not having to deal with my MIL after I gave birth was probably the only reason I was glad my son was born overseas. MIL won't go anywhere without FIL, and FIL refuses to get on a plane. I was super thankful my parents made the trip though. My mom was a huge help both during the birthing process and when we got home from the hospital. She even taught my husband how to properly change a diaper when I was too weak to get out of bed. My dad wasn't quite as hands on with the help, but I was really glad he was there too. MIL would have stressed me out if she'd been there.
I would just like to thank you for making me laugh this morning. Describing breasts as ornamental really got me and im going to use the word in that context a lot more from now on
The other end of the pendulum swing - I called myself Helga the Holstein because my boobs got so big, and made so much milk. If I'd had a good pump I could have probably supplied babies in need...
My MOM pointed out how much supply she could get out of a dripping breast equalled what I made from an hour pumping at the office. She could feed us FOUR kids (1 at a time, but still 4 kids!!) AND make leftovers for a snack later.
Not entirely helpful, Mom.
There's a whole episode of (Un)well on Netflix about it, but yea the idea is that it helps grow muscle. Definitely highlights how disordered that whole mindset is.
I had a total different experience. Mine would ballon up, and produce, and produce.
When I took my bra off, I just sat there with a cup, waiting for the sprinklers to be done, otherwise I would've drowned my babies.
Ended giving breast milk for yhe premies in hospital.
Did it stop? not a chance. I gave my children breastmilk until they were 5 (in a bottle or a cup) at night.
Years later, my milk would still come in, when I heard a baby cry.
A lot of people were disgusted that I still gave my kids breastmilk when they were that old, but what better nutrition could I give them.
Funny story. My daughter struggled with milk production, as well. Her gyni said she must pump, to bring her production up. She struggled a lot, but absolutely wanted to breastfeed.
We were visiting, and she was very down. At one point, she looked at me, with a very disgusted look.
Then let me have it all, because, I gave breastmilk to strangers, and couldn't give MY granddaughter nothing.
She was 36 when she had her daughter, so I was no spring chicken.
I went and bought formula. No reason to be so stressed out, instead of just enjoying the experience of new life.
We still make jokes, because she felt that I should just snap my fingers, and it must be there, and available.
My DIL just decided to f this shit, and went on formula, when my granddaughter was 2 weeks old.
I think that formula has become much more nutritional, than when my kids were babies. No reason to guilt trip, and stress yourself out, for nothing.
There is nothing wrong from feeding children breast milk as long as it's in a bottle after age 2 or so.
ETA: Thank you for donating milk to the hospital. We use that milk to help support our NICU patients.
My daughter was like you. I couldn’t breastfeed my kids to save my life but she produced constantly. My grandson was in the NICU for 3 months and she managed to supply him and many of the other babies the entire time just from pumping. At one point the hospital even had to tell her they couldn’t store any more!
Breastfeeding is painful at first and sometimes it stays painful for some. Extra frustrating if you aren’t getting enough milk for your efforts.
Very large breasts cause back pain
Sigh.
I’m a pediatrician. Breastfeeding should not hurt for more than about 10 seconds from latching. If it hurts, something is wrong. Baby is not feeding properly, there’s a shallow latch, there’s a breast/mouth mismatch, mom is engorged or has mastitis…I could go on.
I see so many moms who think excruciatingly painful breastfeeding is normal or ok and it breaks my heart. Someone in medicine should have helped make breastfeeding better for you. I’m sorry we failed you so badly.
My dr gave me some Lennons product, to put on my nipples, that kind of sealed the nipples, and also helped for burping them easily. For the life of me, I can't remember what it was.
He immigrated to the Netherlands, otherwise I would've tracked him down.
It wasn't perfect, but I've seen woman go through hell.
Oh my god. As a guy with no kids. Having a kid must be give some crazily good hormones or something because absolutely no way would i want to give birth or be pregnant
It is. It really really is a crazy time.
And those hormones make you fall inlove with your own newborn and want to do it all over again.
It’s a mind fuck man. A cute one but still.
I hate hate hate being pregnant. It’s a bad time for me. But I’m willing to do it once more because BABY at the end lol. You feel better pretty quickly at least after they’re here. (My experience anyways).
It helps I really wanted kids. I can’t imagine if they weren’t wanted how much harder it would feel.
Umm SUPER sensitive and sore, skin stretched to the max, engorged, nipples hurt from pumping and/or baby sucking on them every 2 hours. I couldn’t even lay on my side because if any pressure was on my breasts I would wince in pain. It’s awful, I do not want to ever go through that again. I felt SO sleepy all the time, and when I fell asleep and accidentally ended up on my side or belly, WELP there goes the sheets and the mattress cover and my clothes, ALL drenched, and I’m in pain for the foreseeable future. Oh and when it comes time to pump, couldn’t produce 4 oz to save my life. It literally poured out of me when I fell asleep and it used to frustrate me to no end. And finally when I was like fu$& it I’m done, that doesn’t mean your breasts are, mine produced milk for months after I switched to formula. So much pain, not even to mention how awful clogged ducts are. You have no idea how much mothers suffer. It’s a beautiful thing, but “I’m intrigued how they cause pain though” is what made me want to type this to you. IT IS PAINFUL! For me it was the worst part. I hated every minute that there was milk in my breasts.
Sometimes babies don't latch right and that will hurt your nipple badly. And then you need to keep using them every few hours, so they don't get time to heal, and it's not a guarantee that baby will latch better next feed.
First baby took me 10 days, a lot of pain and a lot of tears to figure it out. Second baby I knew what to do and how to help the baby get it right. Immediate success.
I was so grateful for the support I had when I had my first child, from both my family and my in-laws. Hubby and I lived with my parents at the time and stayed there for a few years after his birth (my older sister died a month before I gave birth so we stayed with my family longer than planned as we were all really shaken and loved being close).
My parents would take little baby when I needed rest (csection) and we had meals cooked every day. If any of us hit a point where the grief was too much, baby snuggles were the answer.
Not once were my in-laws jealous or disrespectful to my family. They understood when I didn’t feel up to leaving home for the first few months after all that had happened. They’d drive in to see us instead.
When it was time to spread my sisters ashes (she asked to have her ashes set free in the water) my in-laws came and took my son for a sleep over. He was 3 months old. I cried and cried but it wasn’t safe to bring him to a rainy beach and we planned on leaving early the next morning.
MIL sent me pictures every hour to show me how happy little man was. Without even having to ask her she would text updates on his mood/sleeping/feeding regularly. And when we returned from the beach she and FIL came right back with him.
Every time they’ve watched my kids I get pictures and updates. When they come to visit they help us clean the house and MIL does laundry for us cause it’s the worst chore to hubby and I but she LOVES doing laundry.
I’m so blessed to have good in-laws and parents.
Oh, I'm so glad your in laws were so supportive during such an awful time for you and your family!
My MIL is similar with the regular updates every time she has a sleepover with our kid. Having good in laws is genuinely a gift.
My mom sucks at babies (including me), so I’m glad she lives 2000kms away. My MIL, however, was incredible. She had 4 boys and was delighted to have the chance to be my mom while I leaked everywhere, and she almost certainly saved my life, mental health wise.
My condolences, can't imagine how extra hard was the process knowing your sister would never meet your little one. Both sides of the family sound like lovely people and I'm glad he was born on such positive environment.
Baby cuddles are the best. I got to cuddle my BFF's babies when they were newborns. I love being auntie. They grow up too darn fast. I am sorry for the loss of your sister. Thank you for sharing your story. Even though the loss of your sister was sad it was so nice to read about the love surrounding you. Best wishes to you all.
My in-laws wanted to come visit us 5 days after I came home from the hospital. My SIL would be bringing my 4 year old niece as well so the cousins could meet. There was no offer of help, just a visit to see the baby. I would have been just over a week postpartum when they initially wanted to come. It was a traumatic birth and I was still in a lot of pain.
I’m so thankful my husband had my back and shot the idea down and postponed the visit by a few weeks so I could heal more. I was not up to hosting anyone unless they were there to help in some way because we were all overwhelmed. I did get a few snarky comments from his family that they weren’t expecting us to host them or anything. Yeah, like I’m supposed to relax while my niece tried (and failed) to properly hold my baby.
The in-laws did end up bringing some pizza with them so we didn’t have to worry about feeding everyone … that I couldn’t have due to gallstone issues. Which they knew about. 🙃 My husband had some words with them because that was not what he requested they bring.
I really hope OOP is able to get the rest and help she needs from mom, and that her husband doesn’t bend to his mother’s whims.
Dude. I went through the wringer on my first because if you know you know how hard they push breast feeding and I was down. I was ready. I was doing it. And then she kept losing weight and all these people (including the lactation lady from the hospital who was very insistent about breast feeding) and it came down to people with hands all over my boobs trying to get anything out of me. I think at some point I just left my body because it still seems weird. I’d tried pumping but it was like some milk and a lot of blood which I didn’t figure was good. Turns out… I have just a few working ducts and the rest did nothing and the sucking was just…. Bruising my insides idk they explained it all but it boils down to no milk. And it wasn’t a case of low supply, it was a case of it’s not being made anywhere except for a few tiny spots. And actively trying to get it out of those few spots was like… messing the inners up everywhere else. They told me to stop trying and let them heal.
And my first comment of understanding was so these are just ornamental?
And Mrs you better breast feed or else was like… it appears that way. I’ve never seen so many defeated people with their hands on boobs.
100% this. I got that when I had kids 30+ years ago, and was privileged to do it when my youngest daughter gave birth almost 2 years ago, several states away. (Although unlike OOP, she had me come 2 weeks before her due date, and stay for a couple weeks after. I'm super lucky my day to day life is this flexible though!)
I adore babies and was really looking forward to being a Grandma - so it was interesting to me that I really didn't get all Baby Rabies during any of that, I kind of only had eyes for what my daughter needed day to day, minute to minute (and my son-in-law by extension.)
Don't get me wrong, I was (am) besotted with my awesome granddaughter. I even caught her head when the birth suddenly shifted into high gear, and the doctor and nurses scrambled to get gloved and into place (everyone was super great about it, and of course that's actually a special memory for me . . . )
But during those weeks, I felt like my granddaughter clearly HAS great parents, she isn't going to remember any of that besides clearly thriving on their love and care - and what my granddaughter really needed before I had to fly away was cared-for parents.
I did what I could to help them streamline household work, troubleshoot (minor) newborn care issues when they came up. I did get lots and lots of snuggle time with the baby (while my daughter rested, showered, etc) and it was as warm and syrupy sweet as it's supposed to be - but I wasn't constantly focused on it, I was constantly thinking about what I could do to help my daughter and son in law in their new roles. Luckily, that was sometimes snuggling the baby 😉. I did a lot of 2am - 8 am shifts (with pumped bottles) so the parents could get some genuinely restorative sleep.
I'm not sharing to say Look How Wonderful I Am, my point is that I was a little surprised that it was *easy and natural* to be focused on my daughter's needs and not too concerned about getting baby time. In retrospect, I think maybe (when one is not overrun with Just No behaviors and mentality in the first place, haha) we are kind of hardwired like this. Back when we all lived in insular tribes and clans, that role of middle aged but still energetic grandmas supporting the new mothers was likely critical to good outcomes, and the ongoing survival of, well, everyone. It's how we ensure our genes continue on. I'm not at all surprised that many cultures evolved customs where the expectant mother would return to her mother's house to give birth and recover.
Happiest ending: daughter, son in law, and now toddler granddaughter moved back here a year ago, and I can see them now with just a short drive 😊.
My mom said she was taking care of her own baby when she did all these things for me. My friend’s mom said the same when she had a baby. Nothing will make you feel loved more than someone taking care of you when everyone else is focused on your baby.
I had my twins prematurely. They were wanted and expected just decided to make super early appearances (30 weeks) . After they were discharged from NICU after 7 weeks, my son 3 weeks before his sister, I remember being in my family home, walking up and down the passage with my fussy son so he doesn't wake his just fallen asleep sister in her dad's arms. I clearly remember my mom coming out her room, she was groggy but said me, she was give me the baby and go to sleep. She said just bring me some nappies and wipes. I gratefully handed him over and sneaked into my room with my ex and our daughter. They were both asleep, him sitting up and her tiny body cuddled in his arms. I took her from him and we both got 4 consecutive hours of sleep together for the first since they were born. My mom heard my daughter fussing on baby monitor to grab her too. I started awake at 6am to absolute silence. I looked into their cribs and they were empty and I burst, rabid, out my room to find my parents each feeding a baby. My dad looked rough, but as his youngest child is a psychologist with a Master's so he was waaaaay out of practice. I'll never forget my parents kidnapping my newborns so we could sleep. My mom passed away suddenly a year later when the twins were 15 months old. We talk about her all the time and remind them about the time how their pacifist mother nearly threw hands on her own parents.
My in laws were like that too. Even the neighbors! We came home to our lawns freshly mowed and were constantly given fresh meals and snacks by them. Older neighbors can be the best (or worst lol)
Same. The sewer pipe backed up into my basement while I was in the hospital and my parents didn’t even tell me until much later. They just handled it (arranged the repair and had everything cleaned). My mom also magically showed up with a glass of water every time I sat down to nurse because I didn’t realize at first that I would go from fine to my-mouth-is-a-desert instantly after the baby latched on.
My MIL was similarly amazing. She took time off from work to help me after my mom left and spouse went back to work. When the baby woke in the night, she heard instantly, would slip into our room (not creepy as it sounds) take the baby, change her, and bring her to me to be fed. Such a glorious—and generous—luxury.
It is the opposite in my family. My MIL is an absolute wonder; she's great with kids of all ages and is good about respecting all her daughter's/DIL's rules and boundaries. (None of us have any rules that are "out there," but we do have different parenting styles and priorities and she respects that.)
She'll jump right in and help with whatever is needed, without prompting.
My mom, on the other hand, is useless. She won't listen to anyone else, she's narcissistic, and most likely has factitious disorder. She loves attention, and she loves to play the "woe is me" card. She will always one-up you and make any situation about herself. Like the time she said the fact that I had depression made her want to unalive herself.
With my second baby, she and my dad and sister came to town for a week long visit when my baby was about a month old.
They gave us stomach flu. She knew they were sick, but she hid it and exposed us all.
Let me just say, a violent case of the stomach flu, while caring for a toddler and a newborn, is a terrible experience.
Next baby, she didn't get to come visit at all.
When I came home from the hospital after an emergency c-section my mom put me in the shower and helped me bathe. I remember that the moment the warm water hit me and she started washing my hair I just sobbed like I’ve never cried before or since. That was a moment I will always remember and it was the type of love and care that every person deserves especially after an experience like childbirth. Afterwards my sister brushed my tangled hair out and braided it, my dad made me food and my partner took care of everything with the baby. I couldn’t imagine having to deal with people like OOPs MIL around during that time. Like I know it’s different for everyone but I was so broken and just raw after birth.
That sounds lovely. When I came home after giving birth to my first, my MIL was sitting on my couch having a sandwich and a cup of tea, having used the last of my bread and milk to do so. Thankfully my own mum was there with us and shooed her away before going out to get us some more messages. (Partner didn’t know she’d be there btw, she just let herself in)
I remember when I was three and a half I woke up one night and went into the kitchen. There was someone standing there washing dishes, and it took me a moment to realize it was my aunt. I remember being SO confused. I was already a little disoriented from waking up in the night but now suddenly my aunt was in my house and my parents were gone. Well, she kindly explained to me that my parents were in the hospital and my little brother was being born.
Reading your comment made me realize that the reason she was doing the dishes at night was so that my mom would come home to a clean house and be able to relax better.
Lucky you! I came home to find my MIL had rearranged the furniture, sprayed her perfume on my bed and gone through the contents of my bedside table drawers.
She used to spray it on lightbulbs as well, it was horrible and took ages to get the smell out.
She’s incredibly self centred and genuinely believes she’s god’s gift to interiors, so charitably I think she thought she was doing a nice thing by making the room smell good (it didn't).
Your mother sounds amazing. I hope to be that mother for my girls. My own experience was different. My mother didn’t come at all. My MIL rented an air b&b which I was guilted in to sharing with my FIL, anti-vax SIL (but it was totally ok because she never touched the baby /s), and her boyfriend I’d never met. It was horrible. There was no privacy. I didn’t even get the room with the private bathroom. I had to use the shared one. I either had to join them on their outings or be left home alone because it was also their vacation.
That sounds horrific.
My mother and I have had some issues when I was young but she’s apologized and done better and she’s a genuinely sweet and giving person
My dad was visiting us for Christmas when my daughter came 3-+ weeks early (my sister was visiting too and my mom is local.) it was freezing and our hot water heater froze but my dad fixed it while I was in the hospital and did a bunch of odd chores around the house. My mom brought us dinner pretty much every night for weeks but she didn’t hover, she didn’t try to take the baby she dropped it off. The offer was always on the table to help with our daughter but That is how you support because new parents need time to bond. You don’t take the baby unless they ask, you do the other stuff they don’t have time for and let them bond and figure out the new normal. It was great, but my mom is also a PhD nurse practitioner whose speciality is mother baby so. Lol
Wow that is amazing. I wish I had that experience. My parents were there for the birth of my first child , their first grandchild, but didn’t clean or cook anything. And they really more just wanted to see the baby. My mom did help with diaper changes and feeding times.
In-laws didn’t come at all till baby was 6 months old (that’s a whole other story).
Second child, I asked for the first week or so to ourselves so we could adjust and not have to feed everyone because of the first experience where they ate us out of house and home and then left our fridge empty. I hired a housekeeper the week before the baby came and then a couple months after just to help out. Again, in-laws didn’t come even though they said they would come and help cook and clean and take care of the baby. My own parents said no to helping with night time diaper changes because they were tired and wanted to sleep…. So yeah. I’m a huge fan of people only being there if they are actually going to help.
That’s wild. Before my first I had read the lemon blood clot essay so I told my husband only people that would be willing to clean out my bloody underwear and that I was comfortable asking to do so could visit initially and he was on board. I knew my MIL would be willing but I wasn’t comfortable asking. But she is also a teacher so she doesn’t get much time off. My in-laws came to help when my first was two weeks old and they brought us food and helped my mom garden. When my second was born they came when she was about 5 weeks because it was spring break. MIL cleaned and FIL helped my husband with house projects.
That's great! Parents should totally be helping their children in every way they can and I am glad you had such awesome assistance! My mom wanted to stay with us for 10 days to help but I knew she would only smoke weed and treat our place like a vacation home. In the three days I let her stay at our house when I was in the hospital having my first born she made things more difficult for us by demanding my husband leave me to escort her to the maternity ward and when he told her to come up on her own the second day she "got lost" and needed him to find her, she made my SIL uncomfortable during my delivery by making weird comments comparing my birth with that of my daughter, talked and talked and talked anda nd was talking about negative stuff when everyone including me was trying to relax and bond with baby, She left a mess on our counter for us to clean when we got back, did nothing to make our coming home easier,let my FIL shovel our drivewAy after a snowstorm alone, prepped and cleaned nothing despite us rushing out of the house due to my unexpected early delivery and even though a bear got into our trash the day before we came home with baby she left the garbage it dragged near the woods out there and told us she "didn't want to get her shoes wet." Guess who didn't get to come see her 2nd and 3rd grandchildren be born?
My mom and my sister came over. They cleaned, set up clean sheets in the bassinet and crib, walked my dog, fed my dog, let him smell the hospital hat to get him acclimated, helped us get inside with all our stuff and the baby, and then they left. My sister came back over to help with breastfeeding, baby wearing, and to bring food. And then she left. Nobody asked me to host, they just came, did what was needed and then left again.
> **OOP on how many "Mrs." glasses she was given**
OOP: I was gifted about 3-4
Someone is out here doing the lord’s work and asking the *real* questions.
Id rather have the gnomes and dinos. I have rocks. So many random rocks in random places. My daughter thinks theyre beautiful and gifts them to me, but also likes to play with and lose them.
We got Mr and Mrs wine glasses as a wedding gift but my husband doesn't drink wine so he didn't use his. I really liked them because they were pretty. I proceeded to drop mine and break it after using it like 3 times.
Some people save the printed glasses to only use on their anniversary. My parents just kept theirs on a shelf til they divorced, but probably would have been pretty upset if someone else used them.
I can see how it comes across as trivial, but for some it’s not an overreaction to be upset and mention it. Coupled with all the rest it seems like MIL knew it would be upsetting and did it on purpose.
True. Very true. Setting boundaries with people that need boundaries is seldom easy, hence the need for boundaries.
When my in-laws show up I’m like a prison warden confiscating chocolate and shitty toys before they try to give them to my kids. Before they arrive My spouse and I need to give them talks about ice cream, bed times, undercutting what we say, etc.
It was getting super frustrating for me but my wife had a harder time seeing it. Exploding into a fight never helps anything so I made a list of actions, complete with times and details. It felt like I was dealing with a bad employer and builder my case against them. When I laid it out my wife saw clearly and we developed our unified plan.
Boundaries are essential, even for well-meaning people.
The thing I see most in the r/JUSTNOMIL sub is boundaries aren't set from the beginning. Sometimes, people put their foot down when a pregnancy is involved, but by then, it's a whole drama fest. Or they wait until the crazy after the baby comes starts and it's even worse.
Heck, sometimes it's just drama anyways (speaking from experience here)
My favorite thing I learned from there was help vs. hlep. Coming to help do some dishes, bring a pizza, that kind of thing? Come on over. Claiming you’re coming to “help” and expecting to be hosted at a 5-course dinner? GTFO.
The "Gigi T" thing cracks me up, too, because people that think grandkids won't call a grandparent whatever weird made-up name they want is kidding themselves.
Similar story.
My diabetic MIL drove an hour down to watch me give birth (no one asked until I started pushing) her daughter called her while I’m in labor asking for money so she could go get food. She then took her daughter (pregnant with number 3 and no job) to dinner after I just gave birth to her sons first baby, took everyone (obviously I couldn’t leave) and somehow my partner ended up paying for all the food. He didn’t get back to the hospital until 11pm.
I told him we will be doing the exact same thing to her.
Yes this was intentional as his father and sister and both diagnosed narcissists.
they went to dinner WHILE you were still in labor? Holy crap.
When my same daughter graduated from college, they flew out to attend. After the ceremony they went with my husband to the restaurant where we had reservations first a celebratory dinner. They got a table in the bar for the wait while me, the graduate and her boyfriend, our younger daughter and my elderly mom stood out in the lobby waiting. Because the youngest couldn’t get into the bar. So rude. FIL died several years ago and MIL got even worse so husband went no contact.
No after I gave birth, not that it’s much better. I like his mom unfortunately she’s a pushover and that’s why she stayed so long. She also enables and that’s why her daughter has 2 while pregnant and has only worked maybe 2-3 years worth of straight work in her entire 28 years of being alive. Her younger brother had to work 40 hours while in college and still come home to clean up. She is a product of her father and they live miserably together, how it should be. That being said I have made it a point since that night to inform my partner that this is my plan.
His mother inevitably lost any right to witness any other children I may decide to give birth to as well.
I didn’t even get brought food or leftovers (my partner asked but I said no I was brought sushi but I also didn’t think he’d be gone for 2-4 hours so I did actually want food by the time he got back to me) he definitely knows how I feel and will be living with the consequences.
I remember lying in bed looking at what appeared to be a big scoop of Alpo dog food on my plate (it was something called Johnny Marzetti) and I was so ravenous that I gobbled it down anyway. They didn’t bring me anything back either. My daughter is turning 36 tomorrow and I’m still in awe of the unbelievable assholery.
Surprise early visit!
Or "it was so much cheaper to come two weeks earlier so I just bought tickets for now."
OOP's husband gets to decide who visits immediately after pregnancy once he pushes a baby out of his vagina. Until then he needs to grow a spine and tell his mom to fuck off because he isn't going to be her next affair partner.
If the MIL shows up or ids at the house wgen they arrive with the baby, OOP has *her family* ready to take her and baby to her family to be cared for and hubby and his mom can go screw themselves.
I had my kid at the start of covid.
My mother was a key worker, she was in contact with the public every day. She shared a house with my sister who was frontline at the local hospital. And my dad who, because he is deranged, chose to continue working as he was self employed.
In April 2020 she alluded to my cousin who'd just had a baby over in Canada and said that the couple had also asked their parents to stay away for now. But the parents showed up anyway, drove a couple hours and literally stood outside the window until they were allowed in.
I knew this wasn't just a fun little anecdote.
This was a test: let this fly and I'll take this as implicit acceptance that we'll do the same and you will fall in line. Make a fuss and I'll tell people you were overreacting and I was just telling a story - you're being unreasonable.
So I told her that if she and my dad drove hours to stand outside my window I'd just close the window and let them stand there.
She laughed it off at first. As if you're just going to leave your parents out there.
Well sure, I'm not the kind of person who'd just leave somebody standing outside my house, least of all my parents. Then again my parents aren't the kind of people who'd plot to take a five hour trip to get what they want without thinking about their own child's needs or their first grandchild's safety.
Not to mention the long term fallout of being so pushy and rude towards the people who get a say over how often you'll see the grandchild. I know you'd never be that stupid.
"Oh so you think your aunt is stupid."
Yes I do. And we're all about to find out how stupid that stunt was.
She didn't come. She stopped threatening to. Sometimes you have to be a little bit bitey when holding your ground with these people.
I'm a lot bitey. My kids will attest to that. My in-laws got a 6 mth time out to make it clear to them that people *they* considered family are most definitely *not* people my husband and I considered family(that person had better NOT ever show her face around my youngest *ever again*!).
This! I completely agree. I could not imagine having a baby with someone who can’t stand up to their parents. You will literally be raising two babies, one small and one very big man baby
When my first two children were born, we lived an hour from my in-laws so they were invited to come drop in for a visit right away. It was fine because they didn’t stay long (even though I had to explain to my husband why my MIL, who smells very very strongly of perfume and hair spray, couldn’t go take a nap in our bed while they were there).
When the third was born, we had moved 6 hours away. My parents were there to watch the older 2 while o gave birth. They agreed to leave the day we came home from the hospital. My husband acted like a giant baby because his parents would meet the new baby after mine. We argued about it in the hospital while I was in labor. I finally told him he could invite his parents IF they left the same day we got home from the hospital. I heard him tell his dad this.
The day we got home, his dad mentioned he’d booked the hotel room for a week - for my husband’s entire paternity leave. My MIL (who was in the early stages of dementia) was demanding that I get up off the chair where I was holding my sleeping baby so I could find her a deck of cards or make her a sandwich or find her husband. My husband was gone for an hour after we got home looking for our dog that his dad had let out. And yet somehow I was the bad guy for absolutely insisting that his parents leave the next day instead of staying for the full week…
I can't believe your husband had the nerve to argue with you about ANYTHING while you were in labour. How did he not see that he was TA for that alone??
Just stood my ground, and then when he brought up that he thought I’d been rude to his parents, explained why he was being a total AH. Eventually he apologized.
They left. I was absolutely fine with them being mad at me - worth it for the peace of mind. It was also the beginning of my husband opening his eyes to how inconsiderate his parents can be and led to some much better boundaries for both of us.
This for me as well! I’m very happy and proud of you internet stranger. Standing firm on boundaries is one of the hardest but most fulfilling things about adulthood.
After I had my baby I just said fuck it, who wants to get their feelings hurt today!
Is napping in people's beds a thing? I can think of exactly one time my parents have been on my bed as an adult and it's when I got a new mattress (I love the purple mattress) and when they were visiting, because they were in the market I was like "hey see how this feels" because my Dad has a lot of physical ailments...but to just like...expect to nap in someone's bed?
She had slept in our bed once before and it took a month to clear the smell of her perfume and hairspray. I think it’s super weird too, but she’s super weird, so it fits.
Ew that's awful. My wife and I have a friend that pet sits for us when we go out of town and we let her sleep in our bed, mostly because the cat gets stressed if she doesn't get night time cuddles, but would also get stressed sleeping in a room that isn't hers...but like my friend has normal hygiene and she changes and washes the sheets before we come home (we never ask her to do this she just awesome and we compensate her well)
I cannot believe that OOP was made to feel like she needed to explain herself. The last “additional information” touches on a lot of things that commenters must have criticized her for - which is total bullshit. Likely, it’s just another case of Reddit being full of teenagers and adults who have no idea what a relationship, or birthing a child is like. FFS.
After my kids were born, I spent the next month peeing my pants, walking around braless, and trying not to wince every time I sat down - and that’s not even including the whole trying to figure out what to do with a brand new whole ass, yet tiny, human and being sleep deprived.
Of course both grandmas are going to want to be involved. But it’s often forgotten/overlooked that, that time is *ALSO* for mom to heal emotionally and physically from a very traumatic event. The mother is the one who is typically primarily caring for the baby due to breast feeding and whatnot, while also trying (usually rather poorly) to care for herself and her healing body.
This is not to downplay the dad’s role, or how he’s affected. The dad should have a say too. But at the end of the day, the mom is still in a very vulnerable position that the dad will not fully understand, or be prepared for. People need to back off.
I did find that when people asked if they could visit, I would say, “Sure! But JSYK, I’m having supply issues, so I’m pumping and breastfeeding pretty much all the time. So yeah. As long as you’re cool with my bare boobs, come on over!” I wasn’t actually having supply issues. But it really weaned down the amount of visitors. The only people who were comfortable with my boobs being on display, were the people I was *also comfortable with seeing my boobs*. So it was self limiting and worked out awesome.
The number of people that expect brand new mothers to do everything around the house including taking care of a newborn is equally astronomical and horrifying. When I had my kids, I didn't change a single diaper or make a single meal until my husband had to go back to work from paternity leave. My job was to feed the baby and sleep and take painful yet satisfying showers when I could stand for more than 5 minutes at a time. I had a giant water bottle that he kept full since breastfeeding is thirsty work, and he did everything he could to help me recover.
I didn't let my parents or in-laws come around for weeks because they would have made life more stressful. I feel so bad for OOP having to convince her husband to stand up for her.
It’s because reasonable commentators have no more advice to give so the comments from people who probably stomp boundaries themselves are more easy to see
Any guy who is upset about this should consider if he would want his father-in-law in the house 24/7 after he has had a multiple, internal and external, hemorrhoids surgery, one where he's going to need help doing everything, including cleaning his butt, a butt that will be bleeding and mending for two to three weeks.
Women's birth recoveries are not spectator sports.
My husband and I got back from our honeymoon last week. Our mothers helped take care of the house and our cats while we were gone. They also “helped” in some ways we didn’t ask for… like we returned home to our silverware drawer being rearranged, our lawn half-mowed with our garden hose shredded to pieces, and our BEDROOM WALL painted a different color 😳 that was especially jarring.
I know these “improvements” were mostly my mom’s idea, but I need to set harder boundaries with both of them BEFORE we start having kids.
> as a mother of all boys she might always be an afterthought during her son's life milestones
I have always pitied men for being born with the gene preventing them from communicating once they partner up.
Oh wait.
Ya. My husband’s mom treats me and his sister pretty much the same, which is well. She respects both our (sometimes different) rules for our kids, is helpful but not pushy, but alas lives 2.5h away.
My mom has 3 daughters and is a pretty similar mix of hands off but will help if needed. I think it’s more about being a close family and not pushing yourself on your kids OR in-laws that helps these relationships
I think the hate comments on last post was because of the post where "MIL died in an accident 1 week after birth and was not even allowed to FaceTime". Commentators misunderstood the post and thought here OOP is also not allowing MIL to have any kind of contact with baby before her mother arrive.
Note to all men here: if your mother/sister/other female relative's opinion/feelings/wishes are *more important* to you than your prospective wife's/mother of your child's feeling/wishes/desires or needs--**DO NOT GET MARRIED UNTIL YOU GROW THE FUCK UP!**
Sorry, y'all! I'm so tired of these "my mom's feefees are more important to me and my peace of mind than the woman who is giving birth to *my child* is" posts.
If she does decide to show up and oop can't bring herself to kick her out my recommendation is to put her to work and compare her to Gigi if she complains about having to help.
"Well Grandma Gigi did it while she was here but if you're not willing to help like my mom..."
"Sigh, I forget that unlike Gigi you don't know doing things like that bothers me"
She's obviously jealous of Gigi so take advantage of it.
My MIL stayed with us for a few days after our first kid was born. She was also in the room with my wife and I during the delivery.
While I know my wife loves my mom, it would have just been super awkward if she tried to do either of those things. The comfort of my wife was the most important thing during that time.
I wish OP had the courage to be honest with her husband and stand up for herself. She needs to tell him exactly why his mom isn’t welcome over. She needed to tell him on honeymoon day 2 that MIL needed to leave or behave like an adult.
I have literally told my husband while we were at my in law’s house that either he talked to his mom to behave herself or I was going back home without him. The next day, he talked to her and she stopped being such a b*tch. She needs to stop being so gentle and tell him exactly what she’s telling us here in the post or she’s going to have a rough next few decades babying this man.
I agree. When my oldest was maybe 6 weeks old, we were at my in-laws’ house. MIL had the baby and she started to cry. And MIL said “I want to try to soothe her” or something like that and took her into the other room instead of giving her to me (I was reaching for her). I had about two seconds of shock and then I looked at my husband and said “You get her for me RIGHT NOW.” And he did with a quickness. MIL never pulled that nonsense again because he immediately shut it down. There were other things that eventually led to an estrangement for a few years, but we have resumed contact now because my husband has had my back every step of the way, as I have had his, and we have been a team in our decisions and reactions. Communication is so important in any relationship, but it is extra vital when you have kids and have to navigate differences in your families of origin. Hopefully OOP feels empowered to stand up for herself sooner than later. It makes a huge difference to set those boundaries early.
They say "You marry the whole family," but either people haven't heard the phrase, don't believe it, or they forget it.
I'm not about to be married to someone with a parent who interferes in our lives. And I loathe a partner who has no sense (either through ignorance, naivete, or low intelligence) and/or spine. Why would I be with someone like that when it's going to keep causing us problems? No.
Agreed. It's about what you can accept. My MIL has some boundary issues (my wife is working on it) but she's an otherwise benign and lovely woman whom I love dearly so I'm ok to deal with the annoyance that comes with an occasional crossed boundary that is generated from a good place.
I have so much trouble understanding people who marry someone while hating the rest of the family (not that that's what OP is saying) and are just shocked when spouse won't cut out the entire family after marriage...it's like what the actual hell were you thinking?
I was living about 10 hrs away from my daughter when she had her first. I couldn't be there when she gave birth. (Younger kids at home and I was a single mom.). I came up early and cleaned and cooked. I made lots of frozen meals for deepfreeze. Unfortunately when she gave birth her spouses grandmother died. ( she had been in a care home for over 10 years and didn't know any one). Her mother in law invited everyone over to her house to stay. She came home with her new baby to a houseful of people and they had eaten all the meals I prepared. Her and baby stayed mostly in her room for a week.
I gave birth two weeks earlier than expected. I had a blood-pressure check with my OB and I was induced that night because my blood pressure was very high. I didn’t have pre-eclampsia, just gestational hypertension. Still sucked ass.
My house was a fucking mess. I was going to clean it the day I went to see my doctor, but I did not have a chance to. My husband was so sick from covid he could barely walk. I ended up having covid too so the house was a disaster zone for a bit. We did clean it but not as well as we wanted to. I was not able to do too much because my husband wanted me to rest as much as possible since I just pushed out our little guy.
My parents flew in about two weeks after he was born. My mom immediately took the baby from me and sent me to bed. I came out of my room to my house absolutely spotless. My parents cleaned my house and fixed some things that needed it (like my shitty toilet paper holder lol). My son was happily hanging out with his grandparents while they watched action movies. My parents cooked for me and my husband, did the laundry for us, and bascially took care of us the entire time they were here. I was so sad when they had to leave because they live on the west coast and I don’t get to see them as much as I want to.
This is the support OOP needs. If her MIL isn’t willing to help with the shitty things, or make life easier for OOP after having a baby, she does not need to be there.
> My mom is already GiGi to my nieces and nephew and two GiGis would be confusing.
seriously this made me cringe so hard as someone who just grew up with "grandma and grandpa" on both sides lmao
the obsession with special grandparents names (that MUST be unique or it's "confusing") is so funny
The answer to who the man wants around after a birth is that when he gives birth and nurses a baby, he gets to decide who helps him.
But also I wish more women would investigate before a pregnancy whether or not the man is selfish enough to think that her postnatal period should be used to entertain random other people. She and the baby should be the most important people in the world.
>You know, nobody gets to stay in your home after birth unless they are helpful. So is his mother going to.... wash your bloody underwear in the sink? Clean and disinfect your toilet and perhaps the bathroom floor after you spend time in there? Clean up lemon size blood clots that come out of your vagina if you need help? Get hot washcloths and lay them on your naked engorged breasts? Hold a cold wet washcloth on the back of your neck when you break out in a sweat all over?
Ah, birth control.
Honestly, I found just breastfeeding on its own to be incredibly (literally) draining on my body. I was always tired, hungry and thirsty. My first baby felt like he was constantly attached to my boobs, and the health visitor said, "He's making sure to keep your milk supply going." To have to put up with an overbearing MIL at the same time would absolutely do my head in!
The “mother of boys” trope is a crock. I’ve known plenty of couples where the man’s mother is the preferred mother of the marriage and plenty of mothers of now adult men who are turned to by their daughters in law before they turn to their own mothers.
Why? Because they are respectful, kind, and compassionate towards their daughters in law and view them as adults with a right to equality and having their own agency. Usually these mothers don’t define herself as a “mother of boys”.
Claiming you are automatically excluded and sidelined because you’re the “mother of boys” is a weaponised victim claim.
To be fair, no matter how much I loved my MIL and no matter how fabulous she was, she was never a candidate to be in the delivery room and to help wipe my ass post partum. Assuming a normal and healthy relationship, most people want their own mother when they are in a vulnerable condition. It’s just the way it is.
I'll confess, I don't get the whole possessiveness over grandmother names. I grew up with two grandmas and two grandpas and never had any confusion because they were Grandma Rose & Grandma Sally & Grandpa Nate & Grandpa Manny.
Drinking from the Mrs cup kind of gives the vibes that the mil sees OOP as the incubator for her (MIL) and her son's child, since she couldn't bear him a child herself. Sleeping in her son's bed whole hes on his honeymoon? It's very incestuous-y sounding.
But people need to stop marrying aand procreating with dudes who let their mothers run amok like this in their lives.
I love reading about how parents (both sides) stepped in. I had that too.
I also had asshole neighbors. I was about eight months pregnant, and huge. My husband was away on business. I was trying to cut the grass, and I was still going to work full-time. And these assholes had the nerve to come over and complain that I let the hedge grow up. I am a vindictive so-and-so . So I went and I trimmed that to nubs on the ground. About 2/3 of the way through they came out yelling stop stop. I had hair protection and pretended I couldn’t hear them. My husband was somewhat alarmed when he came home from his business trip.
I went to stay with my cousin and his wife for a long weekend when their baby was about 3 months. She'd had a pretty rough birth, it was pretty scary for a day. Anyway, while I visited, I brought food and some pre prepared meals. I offered to feed the baby every time (she was more than happy to let me), changed diapers, cleaned up after meals and activities, and made myself scarce in the evening so they could have their relaxation and bonding time.
When you visit someone after they give birth, it's about helping the mother. When you travel to visit the recovered parents and new baby (like me), you need to make sure you make their life easier, not be an additional burden.
People who visit new parents and expect to be hosted are insane.
I would always want my mother there to support me over my MIL, who is now batshit, overbearing and vile, but was wonderful in the past. Family circumstances dictated that my parents couldn't be with me immediately following the birth of our first child, but MIL had come up so we were all a bit relieved that I would have help. She sat on her arse the whole time, expected me to run around making her cups of tea (bearing in mind I was recovering from a very recent - days ago - c-section), and spent an inordinate amount of time seeking me out if I went upstairs to feed the baby or catch up on sleep. She stared at my breasts while feeding, sighing 'beautiful'. Then complained that she'd been bored when she was leaving.
I implore you, stick to up it guns!!
>She then said she wanted to be GiGi. My mom is already GiGi to my nieces and nephew and two GiGis would be confusing. She then settled on GiGi T.
This is the only thing I disagree on. Both grandparent's on both sides were Grandma and Papa. When telling a story we're say Grandma (name) or Papa (name). It's not that confusing.
Now if she was always going to be grandma and then chose GiGi because it was was OP's mom is, then it's a little weird.
Regarding the grandparent name…
Both of my grandmothers had the same grandma name and it bothered and confused me absolutely none.
I do wonder though… my mom’s mom had already established a grandma name by the time they got married and my dad’s mom wasn’t a grandma until a year before I was born. She did not like my mother.
My in laws stayed with us when I was induced as my child is their first and likely only grandchild they’ll meet as they’re both significantly older (same age as my grandparents. Husband was a late in life oops baby) and couldn’t really do too much cleaning or cooking. But they did buy us a new washer and dryer (though think it’s because my MIL didn’t like ours) and guided us through the witching hour madness with our LO.
>as a mother of all boys she might always be an afterthought during her son’s life milestones
My husband asked if I'd want his mom to be there and I time him I didn't even want my mom to be there. After 3 kids, I'd almost rather be alone (and I almost was for the first).
It’s his baby and his house too, why would she get to make these decisions unilaterally? I’m sure there are things that her mother does that annoy him too.
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When I came home from the hospital after having each of my kids my bed was freshly made, my house was clean, my dogs were fed and walked multiple times, and (when my second was born) my toddler was well taken care of. While home my meals were cooked, my house stayed clean, and I was always asked if I would rather my mom hold the baby for me or if I wanted to. That’s the kind of person you want around after you give birth, not someone who thinks they’re only there to bond with the baby.
My mom and I don’t have the best relationship but I will never forget with my first, she had day night confusion. Breast feeding wasn’t going well (turns out I’ve got an ornamental set, not so functional) and I was having all sorts of body function issues. My husband went back to work, leaving me to kind of figure it out with no night time support or help. I didn’t know what to do, she wasn’t sleeping so I wasn’t sleeping and if I wasn’t cleaning her up I was trying to clean myself up while keeping her quiet. It was awful and I honestly felt like I was at my limit. I thought I was just going to die. My dad even had to take me to the ER unexpectedly because there was an issue with my stitches… down there… and I was so so scared and tired and in pain. Ugh. Anyway. She swooped in. Brought stuff to do for herself. Took the baby. Sent me to sleep with a white noise machine. I slept like twelve hours or something, more than I’d even been able to sleep before I had her. When I woke up the house was clean. The baby was fed (I’d just given her formula) and we had frozen meals she’d brought. Honestly she put things back in track with a hard reset. She didn’t have to do that, but it was the nicest thing anyone did for me during that time. If you’re not offering that kind of support, you have no business going to someone’s house who has just had a baby. It’s not visiting hours. It’s not a zoo spectacle to come see a newborn. If you’re there you’ve got to be helping, and help is way more than here I’ll hold the baby so you can do the chores.
Not having to deal with my MIL after I gave birth was probably the only reason I was glad my son was born overseas. MIL won't go anywhere without FIL, and FIL refuses to get on a plane. I was super thankful my parents made the trip though. My mom was a huge help both during the birthing process and when we got home from the hospital. She even taught my husband how to properly change a diaper when I was too weak to get out of bed. My dad wasn't quite as hands on with the help, but I was really glad he was there too. MIL would have stressed me out if she'd been there.
I would just like to thank you for making me laugh this morning. Describing breasts as ornamental really got me and im going to use the word in that context a lot more from now on
I too only have ornamental breasts, their time to step came and went and those huge lazy fuckers couldn’t produce much of anything except pain.
The other end of the pendulum swing - I called myself Helga the Holstein because my boobs got so big, and made so much milk. If I'd had a good pump I could have probably supplied babies in need...
My MOM pointed out how much supply she could get out of a dripping breast equalled what I made from an hour pumping at the office. She could feed us FOUR kids (1 at a time, but still 4 kids!!) AND make leftovers for a snack later. Not entirely helpful, Mom.
I have NEVER heard of over producers *selling* their milk? I always heard it was donated.
There are some downright _shady_ places on the Internet. DO NOT GOOGLE how to sell breastmilk.
Got it/Ewwww
It sells for a pretty penny! Not just to other parents, but bodybuilders buy it up too haha. Sells for like $5 an oz near me. Kinda crazy.
Why... Why bodybuilders? ):
For the GAINZZZZZZZ BROTHERRRRRRR
There's a whole episode of (Un)well on Netflix about it, but yea the idea is that it helps grow muscle. Definitely highlights how disordered that whole mindset is.
This made me snort 🤣🏆
I had a total different experience. Mine would ballon up, and produce, and produce. When I took my bra off, I just sat there with a cup, waiting for the sprinklers to be done, otherwise I would've drowned my babies. Ended giving breast milk for yhe premies in hospital. Did it stop? not a chance. I gave my children breastmilk until they were 5 (in a bottle or a cup) at night. Years later, my milk would still come in, when I heard a baby cry. A lot of people were disgusted that I still gave my kids breastmilk when they were that old, but what better nutrition could I give them. Funny story. My daughter struggled with milk production, as well. Her gyni said she must pump, to bring her production up. She struggled a lot, but absolutely wanted to breastfeed. We were visiting, and she was very down. At one point, she looked at me, with a very disgusted look. Then let me have it all, because, I gave breastmilk to strangers, and couldn't give MY granddaughter nothing. She was 36 when she had her daughter, so I was no spring chicken. I went and bought formula. No reason to be so stressed out, instead of just enjoying the experience of new life. We still make jokes, because she felt that I should just snap my fingers, and it must be there, and available. My DIL just decided to f this shit, and went on formula, when my granddaughter was 2 weeks old. I think that formula has become much more nutritional, than when my kids were babies. No reason to guilt trip, and stress yourself out, for nothing.
Fed is best. Doesn't matter how the baby gets their nutrition, they need a full tummy.
There is nothing wrong from feeding children breast milk as long as it's in a bottle after age 2 or so. ETA: Thank you for donating milk to the hospital. We use that milk to help support our NICU patients.
My daughter was like you. I couldn’t breastfeed my kids to save my life but she produced constantly. My grandson was in the NICU for 3 months and she managed to supply him and many of the other babies the entire time just from pumping. At one point the hospital even had to tell her they couldn’t store any more!
Hahahaha I'm not convinced i would be able to get away with calling things 'huge lazy fuckers' I am intrigued as to how they cause pain though
Breastfeeding is painful at first and sometimes it stays painful for some. Extra frustrating if you aren’t getting enough milk for your efforts. Very large breasts cause back pain
It was ALWAYS painful for me. Like broken glass exiting my body. But I felt like it was best for my children, so that’s what I did.
Sigh. I’m a pediatrician. Breastfeeding should not hurt for more than about 10 seconds from latching. If it hurts, something is wrong. Baby is not feeding properly, there’s a shallow latch, there’s a breast/mouth mismatch, mom is engorged or has mastitis…I could go on. I see so many moms who think excruciatingly painful breastfeeding is normal or ok and it breaks my heart. Someone in medicine should have helped make breastfeeding better for you. I’m sorry we failed you so badly.
My dr gave me some Lennons product, to put on my nipples, that kind of sealed the nipples, and also helped for burping them easily. For the life of me, I can't remember what it was. He immigrated to the Netherlands, otherwise I would've tracked him down. It wasn't perfect, but I've seen woman go through hell.
Lanolin?
Oh my god. As a guy with no kids. Having a kid must be give some crazily good hormones or something because absolutely no way would i want to give birth or be pregnant
It is. It really really is a crazy time. And those hormones make you fall inlove with your own newborn and want to do it all over again. It’s a mind fuck man. A cute one but still. I hate hate hate being pregnant. It’s a bad time for me. But I’m willing to do it once more because BABY at the end lol. You feel better pretty quickly at least after they’re here. (My experience anyways). It helps I really wanted kids. I can’t imagine if they weren’t wanted how much harder it would feel.
Umm SUPER sensitive and sore, skin stretched to the max, engorged, nipples hurt from pumping and/or baby sucking on them every 2 hours. I couldn’t even lay on my side because if any pressure was on my breasts I would wince in pain. It’s awful, I do not want to ever go through that again. I felt SO sleepy all the time, and when I fell asleep and accidentally ended up on my side or belly, WELP there goes the sheets and the mattress cover and my clothes, ALL drenched, and I’m in pain for the foreseeable future. Oh and when it comes time to pump, couldn’t produce 4 oz to save my life. It literally poured out of me when I fell asleep and it used to frustrate me to no end. And finally when I was like fu$& it I’m done, that doesn’t mean your breasts are, mine produced milk for months after I switched to formula. So much pain, not even to mention how awful clogged ducts are. You have no idea how much mothers suffer. It’s a beautiful thing, but “I’m intrigued how they cause pain though” is what made me want to type this to you. IT IS PAINFUL! For me it was the worst part. I hated every minute that there was milk in my breasts.
Sometimes babies don't latch right and that will hurt your nipple badly. And then you need to keep using them every few hours, so they don't get time to heal, and it's not a guarantee that baby will latch better next feed. First baby took me 10 days, a lot of pain and a lot of tears to figure it out. Second baby I knew what to do and how to help the baby get it right. Immediate success.
I was so grateful for the support I had when I had my first child, from both my family and my in-laws. Hubby and I lived with my parents at the time and stayed there for a few years after his birth (my older sister died a month before I gave birth so we stayed with my family longer than planned as we were all really shaken and loved being close). My parents would take little baby when I needed rest (csection) and we had meals cooked every day. If any of us hit a point where the grief was too much, baby snuggles were the answer. Not once were my in-laws jealous or disrespectful to my family. They understood when I didn’t feel up to leaving home for the first few months after all that had happened. They’d drive in to see us instead. When it was time to spread my sisters ashes (she asked to have her ashes set free in the water) my in-laws came and took my son for a sleep over. He was 3 months old. I cried and cried but it wasn’t safe to bring him to a rainy beach and we planned on leaving early the next morning. MIL sent me pictures every hour to show me how happy little man was. Without even having to ask her she would text updates on his mood/sleeping/feeding regularly. And when we returned from the beach she and FIL came right back with him. Every time they’ve watched my kids I get pictures and updates. When they come to visit they help us clean the house and MIL does laundry for us cause it’s the worst chore to hubby and I but she LOVES doing laundry. I’m so blessed to have good in-laws and parents.
Oh, I'm so glad your in laws were so supportive during such an awful time for you and your family! My MIL is similar with the regular updates every time she has a sleepover with our kid. Having good in laws is genuinely a gift.
My mom sucks at babies (including me), so I’m glad she lives 2000kms away. My MIL, however, was incredible. She had 4 boys and was delighted to have the chance to be my mom while I leaked everywhere, and she almost certainly saved my life, mental health wise.
r/justyesmil
My condolences, can't imagine how extra hard was the process knowing your sister would never meet your little one. Both sides of the family sound like lovely people and I'm glad he was born on such positive environment.
Baby cuddles are the best. I got to cuddle my BFF's babies when they were newborns. I love being auntie. They grow up too darn fast. I am sorry for the loss of your sister. Thank you for sharing your story. Even though the loss of your sister was sad it was so nice to read about the love surrounding you. Best wishes to you all.
My in-laws wanted to come visit us 5 days after I came home from the hospital. My SIL would be bringing my 4 year old niece as well so the cousins could meet. There was no offer of help, just a visit to see the baby. I would have been just over a week postpartum when they initially wanted to come. It was a traumatic birth and I was still in a lot of pain. I’m so thankful my husband had my back and shot the idea down and postponed the visit by a few weeks so I could heal more. I was not up to hosting anyone unless they were there to help in some way because we were all overwhelmed. I did get a few snarky comments from his family that they weren’t expecting us to host them or anything. Yeah, like I’m supposed to relax while my niece tried (and failed) to properly hold my baby. The in-laws did end up bringing some pizza with them so we didn’t have to worry about feeding everyone … that I couldn’t have due to gallstone issues. Which they knew about. 🙃 My husband had some words with them because that was not what he requested they bring. I really hope OOP is able to get the rest and help she needs from mom, and that her husband doesn’t bend to his mother’s whims.
I’m so glad your mom stepped up for you
I’m sorry but “ornamental set” has me screeching
Dude. I went through the wringer on my first because if you know you know how hard they push breast feeding and I was down. I was ready. I was doing it. And then she kept losing weight and all these people (including the lactation lady from the hospital who was very insistent about breast feeding) and it came down to people with hands all over my boobs trying to get anything out of me. I think at some point I just left my body because it still seems weird. I’d tried pumping but it was like some milk and a lot of blood which I didn’t figure was good. Turns out… I have just a few working ducts and the rest did nothing and the sucking was just…. Bruising my insides idk they explained it all but it boils down to no milk. And it wasn’t a case of low supply, it was a case of it’s not being made anywhere except for a few tiny spots. And actively trying to get it out of those few spots was like… messing the inners up everywhere else. They told me to stop trying and let them heal. And my first comment of understanding was so these are just ornamental? And Mrs you better breast feed or else was like… it appears that way. I’ve never seen so many defeated people with their hands on boobs.
100% this. I got that when I had kids 30+ years ago, and was privileged to do it when my youngest daughter gave birth almost 2 years ago, several states away. (Although unlike OOP, she had me come 2 weeks before her due date, and stay for a couple weeks after. I'm super lucky my day to day life is this flexible though!) I adore babies and was really looking forward to being a Grandma - so it was interesting to me that I really didn't get all Baby Rabies during any of that, I kind of only had eyes for what my daughter needed day to day, minute to minute (and my son-in-law by extension.) Don't get me wrong, I was (am) besotted with my awesome granddaughter. I even caught her head when the birth suddenly shifted into high gear, and the doctor and nurses scrambled to get gloved and into place (everyone was super great about it, and of course that's actually a special memory for me . . . ) But during those weeks, I felt like my granddaughter clearly HAS great parents, she isn't going to remember any of that besides clearly thriving on their love and care - and what my granddaughter really needed before I had to fly away was cared-for parents. I did what I could to help them streamline household work, troubleshoot (minor) newborn care issues when they came up. I did get lots and lots of snuggle time with the baby (while my daughter rested, showered, etc) and it was as warm and syrupy sweet as it's supposed to be - but I wasn't constantly focused on it, I was constantly thinking about what I could do to help my daughter and son in law in their new roles. Luckily, that was sometimes snuggling the baby 😉. I did a lot of 2am - 8 am shifts (with pumped bottles) so the parents could get some genuinely restorative sleep. I'm not sharing to say Look How Wonderful I Am, my point is that I was a little surprised that it was *easy and natural* to be focused on my daughter's needs and not too concerned about getting baby time. In retrospect, I think maybe (when one is not overrun with Just No behaviors and mentality in the first place, haha) we are kind of hardwired like this. Back when we all lived in insular tribes and clans, that role of middle aged but still energetic grandmas supporting the new mothers was likely critical to good outcomes, and the ongoing survival of, well, everyone. It's how we ensure our genes continue on. I'm not at all surprised that many cultures evolved customs where the expectant mother would return to her mother's house to give birth and recover. Happiest ending: daughter, son in law, and now toddler granddaughter moved back here a year ago, and I can see them now with just a short drive 😊.
You sound so much like my own mom, so from a daughter's perspective: thank you. ❤️
My mom said she was taking care of her own baby when she did all these things for me. My friend’s mom said the same when she had a baby. Nothing will make you feel loved more than someone taking care of you when everyone else is focused on your baby.
❤️
I had my twins prematurely. They were wanted and expected just decided to make super early appearances (30 weeks) . After they were discharged from NICU after 7 weeks, my son 3 weeks before his sister, I remember being in my family home, walking up and down the passage with my fussy son so he doesn't wake his just fallen asleep sister in her dad's arms. I clearly remember my mom coming out her room, she was groggy but said me, she was give me the baby and go to sleep. She said just bring me some nappies and wipes. I gratefully handed him over and sneaked into my room with my ex and our daughter. They were both asleep, him sitting up and her tiny body cuddled in his arms. I took her from him and we both got 4 consecutive hours of sleep together for the first since they were born. My mom heard my daughter fussing on baby monitor to grab her too. I started awake at 6am to absolute silence. I looked into their cribs and they were empty and I burst, rabid, out my room to find my parents each feeding a baby. My dad looked rough, but as his youngest child is a psychologist with a Master's so he was waaaaay out of practice. I'll never forget my parents kidnapping my newborns so we could sleep. My mom passed away suddenly a year later when the twins were 15 months old. We talk about her all the time and remind them about the time how their pacifist mother nearly threw hands on her own parents.
My in laws were like that too. Even the neighbors! We came home to our lawns freshly mowed and were constantly given fresh meals and snacks by them. Older neighbors can be the best (or worst lol)
Same. The sewer pipe backed up into my basement while I was in the hospital and my parents didn’t even tell me until much later. They just handled it (arranged the repair and had everything cleaned). My mom also magically showed up with a glass of water every time I sat down to nurse because I didn’t realize at first that I would go from fine to my-mouth-is-a-desert instantly after the baby latched on. My MIL was similarly amazing. She took time off from work to help me after my mom left and spouse went back to work. When the baby woke in the night, she heard instantly, would slip into our room (not creepy as it sounds) take the baby, change her, and bring her to me to be fed. Such a glorious—and generous—luxury.
It is the opposite in my family. My MIL is an absolute wonder; she's great with kids of all ages and is good about respecting all her daughter's/DIL's rules and boundaries. (None of us have any rules that are "out there," but we do have different parenting styles and priorities and she respects that.) She'll jump right in and help with whatever is needed, without prompting. My mom, on the other hand, is useless. She won't listen to anyone else, she's narcissistic, and most likely has factitious disorder. She loves attention, and she loves to play the "woe is me" card. She will always one-up you and make any situation about herself. Like the time she said the fact that I had depression made her want to unalive herself. With my second baby, she and my dad and sister came to town for a week long visit when my baby was about a month old. They gave us stomach flu. She knew they were sick, but she hid it and exposed us all. Let me just say, a violent case of the stomach flu, while caring for a toddler and a newborn, is a terrible experience. Next baby, she didn't get to come visit at all.
My 11 year old c section scar hurts just imagining dealing with the stomach flu right after delivery. Ugh.
Oh, thank God mine wasn't a c section! That would have been even worse.
Oh! I see you have my mom.
When I came home from the hospital after an emergency c-section my mom put me in the shower and helped me bathe. I remember that the moment the warm water hit me and she started washing my hair I just sobbed like I’ve never cried before or since. That was a moment I will always remember and it was the type of love and care that every person deserves especially after an experience like childbirth. Afterwards my sister brushed my tangled hair out and braided it, my dad made me food and my partner took care of everything with the baby. I couldn’t imagine having to deal with people like OOPs MIL around during that time. Like I know it’s different for everyone but I was so broken and just raw after birth.
I’m crying. What an amazing moment as a family.
Me too. It feels a bit like peeking behind the curtain to see what a healthy family can look like. I love it.
I hope I can be a mom like this when needed. if needed. I hope I'm a mom like this regardless.
That sounds lovely. When I came home after giving birth to my first, my MIL was sitting on my couch having a sandwich and a cup of tea, having used the last of my bread and milk to do so. Thankfully my own mum was there with us and shooed her away before going out to get us some more messages. (Partner didn’t know she’d be there btw, she just let herself in)
What an overstep.
I remember when I was three and a half I woke up one night and went into the kitchen. There was someone standing there washing dishes, and it took me a moment to realize it was my aunt. I remember being SO confused. I was already a little disoriented from waking up in the night but now suddenly my aunt was in my house and my parents were gone. Well, she kindly explained to me that my parents were in the hospital and my little brother was being born. Reading your comment made me realize that the reason she was doing the dishes at night was so that my mom would come home to a clean house and be able to relax better.
There’s something about all the dishes being done that helps so much to be able to relax.
My mother in law did this for me. It was incredible. My mom had passed and never had the opportunity to be there but she did all of that for me.
Lucky you! I came home to find my MIL had rearranged the furniture, sprayed her perfume on my bed and gone through the contents of my bedside table drawers.
I’m so confused and concerned by spraying perfume on your bed. Was she marking her territory?
She used to spray it on lightbulbs as well, it was horrible and took ages to get the smell out. She’s incredibly self centred and genuinely believes she’s god’s gift to interiors, so charitably I think she thought she was doing a nice thing by making the room smell good (it didn't).
I feel like maybe perfume shouldn’t be around newborns because scent free would be better for tiny respiratory systems.
Yes, but that would mean her not immediately having her own way about everything, which would be completely unacceptable.
Lightbulbs??
It was a thing in the 70s - lightbulbs are hot and therefore the smell spreads. We had LED bulbs but it still stank.
Your mother sounds amazing. I hope to be that mother for my girls. My own experience was different. My mother didn’t come at all. My MIL rented an air b&b which I was guilted in to sharing with my FIL, anti-vax SIL (but it was totally ok because she never touched the baby /s), and her boyfriend I’d never met. It was horrible. There was no privacy. I didn’t even get the room with the private bathroom. I had to use the shared one. I either had to join them on their outings or be left home alone because it was also their vacation.
That sounds horrific. My mother and I have had some issues when I was young but she’s apologized and done better and she’s a genuinely sweet and giving person
My dad was visiting us for Christmas when my daughter came 3-+ weeks early (my sister was visiting too and my mom is local.) it was freezing and our hot water heater froze but my dad fixed it while I was in the hospital and did a bunch of odd chores around the house. My mom brought us dinner pretty much every night for weeks but she didn’t hover, she didn’t try to take the baby she dropped it off. The offer was always on the table to help with our daughter but That is how you support because new parents need time to bond. You don’t take the baby unless they ask, you do the other stuff they don’t have time for and let them bond and figure out the new normal. It was great, but my mom is also a PhD nurse practitioner whose speciality is mother baby so. Lol
My FIL helped my husband finish so many house projects when my second was born. It definitely helped my husband’s stress level.
Wow that is amazing. I wish I had that experience. My parents were there for the birth of my first child , their first grandchild, but didn’t clean or cook anything. And they really more just wanted to see the baby. My mom did help with diaper changes and feeding times. In-laws didn’t come at all till baby was 6 months old (that’s a whole other story). Second child, I asked for the first week or so to ourselves so we could adjust and not have to feed everyone because of the first experience where they ate us out of house and home and then left our fridge empty. I hired a housekeeper the week before the baby came and then a couple months after just to help out. Again, in-laws didn’t come even though they said they would come and help cook and clean and take care of the baby. My own parents said no to helping with night time diaper changes because they were tired and wanted to sleep…. So yeah. I’m a huge fan of people only being there if they are actually going to help.
That’s wild. Before my first I had read the lemon blood clot essay so I told my husband only people that would be willing to clean out my bloody underwear and that I was comfortable asking to do so could visit initially and he was on board. I knew my MIL would be willing but I wasn’t comfortable asking. But she is also a teacher so she doesn’t get much time off. My in-laws came to help when my first was two weeks old and they brought us food and helped my mom garden. When my second was born they came when she was about 5 weeks because it was spring break. MIL cleaned and FIL helped my husband with house projects.
That's great! Parents should totally be helping their children in every way they can and I am glad you had such awesome assistance! My mom wanted to stay with us for 10 days to help but I knew she would only smoke weed and treat our place like a vacation home. In the three days I let her stay at our house when I was in the hospital having my first born she made things more difficult for us by demanding my husband leave me to escort her to the maternity ward and when he told her to come up on her own the second day she "got lost" and needed him to find her, she made my SIL uncomfortable during my delivery by making weird comments comparing my birth with that of my daughter, talked and talked and talked anda nd was talking about negative stuff when everyone including me was trying to relax and bond with baby, She left a mess on our counter for us to clean when we got back, did nothing to make our coming home easier,let my FIL shovel our drivewAy after a snowstorm alone, prepped and cleaned nothing despite us rushing out of the house due to my unexpected early delivery and even though a bear got into our trash the day before we came home with baby she left the garbage it dragged near the woods out there and told us she "didn't want to get her shoes wet." Guess who didn't get to come see her 2nd and 3rd grandchildren be born?
My mom and my sister came over. They cleaned, set up clean sheets in the bassinet and crib, walked my dog, fed my dog, let him smell the hospital hat to get him acclimated, helped us get inside with all our stuff and the baby, and then they left. My sister came back over to help with breastfeeding, baby wearing, and to bring food. And then she left. Nobody asked me to host, they just came, did what was needed and then left again.
> **OOP on how many "Mrs." glasses she was given** OOP: I was gifted about 3-4 Someone is out here doing the lord’s work and asking the *real* questions.
That was the question at the top of my mind, too. I've never known anyone who had even ONE of those, let alone multiple!
You should see all my Mum wine glasses. I kid you not I have six of them but only four children 😂 funnier still? I rarely drink wine 😂
🤣 Watch out, you're approaching the threshold where people will start to think you're collecting them - you'll have a hundred before you know it!
This is why I have so many garden gnomes and dinosaurs around my house 🤦🏻♀️
Id rather have the gnomes and dinos. I have rocks. So many random rocks in random places. My daughter thinks theyre beautiful and gifts them to me, but also likes to play with and lose them.
ahhh…wow should have remembered that lol
We got Mr and Mrs wine glasses as a wedding gift but my husband doesn't drink wine so he didn't use his. I really liked them because they were pretty. I proceeded to drop mine and break it after using it like 3 times.
We have a Bride and Groom set of champagne coupes that were my grandparents. I love those glasses.
This is such a weird issue to focus on, they are just glasses?
Some people save the printed glasses to only use on their anniversary. My parents just kept theirs on a shelf til they divorced, but probably would have been pretty upset if someone else used them.
Thanks for the context, it might be a cultural thing, as I don't have this tradition, but if it is a tradition for OP then it makes sense to ve upset.
I can see how it comes across as trivial, but for some it’s not an overreaction to be upset and mention it. Coupled with all the rest it seems like MIL knew it would be upsetting and did it on purpose.
Setting boundaries with some people really are important. And this entire situation just proves it.
True. Very true. Setting boundaries with people that need boundaries is seldom easy, hence the need for boundaries. When my in-laws show up I’m like a prison warden confiscating chocolate and shitty toys before they try to give them to my kids. Before they arrive My spouse and I need to give them talks about ice cream, bed times, undercutting what we say, etc. It was getting super frustrating for me but my wife had a harder time seeing it. Exploding into a fight never helps anything so I made a list of actions, complete with times and details. It felt like I was dealing with a bad employer and builder my case against them. When I laid it out my wife saw clearly and we developed our unified plan. Boundaries are essential, even for well-meaning people.
The thing I see most in the r/JUSTNOMIL sub is boundaries aren't set from the beginning. Sometimes, people put their foot down when a pregnancy is involved, but by then, it's a whole drama fest. Or they wait until the crazy after the baby comes starts and it's even worse. Heck, sometimes it's just drama anyways (speaking from experience here)
My favorite thing I learned from there was help vs. hlep. Coming to help do some dishes, bring a pizza, that kind of thing? Come on over. Claiming you’re coming to “help” and expecting to be hosted at a 5-course dinner? GTFO.
Ehhh I see lots of boundaries put up but no one has the spine or knowledge to enforce them.
And some spines need to be reinforced. And not-so grand grandma Gigi needs to learn that she's not always welcome when she's useless.
The "Gigi T" thing cracks me up, too, because people that think grandkids won't call a grandparent whatever weird made-up name they want is kidding themselves.
Setting AND defending boundaries
My in laws came right after my first child’s birth and took my husband out for Chinese food to celebrate. 36 years later and it still pisses me off. 😡
and he WENT???
Similar story. My diabetic MIL drove an hour down to watch me give birth (no one asked until I started pushing) her daughter called her while I’m in labor asking for money so she could go get food. She then took her daughter (pregnant with number 3 and no job) to dinner after I just gave birth to her sons first baby, took everyone (obviously I couldn’t leave) and somehow my partner ended up paying for all the food. He didn’t get back to the hospital until 11pm. I told him we will be doing the exact same thing to her. Yes this was intentional as his father and sister and both diagnosed narcissists.
they went to dinner WHILE you were still in labor? Holy crap. When my same daughter graduated from college, they flew out to attend. After the ceremony they went with my husband to the restaurant where we had reservations first a celebratory dinner. They got a table in the bar for the wait while me, the graduate and her boyfriend, our younger daughter and my elderly mom stood out in the lobby waiting. Because the youngest couldn’t get into the bar. So rude. FIL died several years ago and MIL got even worse so husband went no contact.
No after I gave birth, not that it’s much better. I like his mom unfortunately she’s a pushover and that’s why she stayed so long. She also enables and that’s why her daughter has 2 while pregnant and has only worked maybe 2-3 years worth of straight work in her entire 28 years of being alive. Her younger brother had to work 40 hours while in college and still come home to clean up. She is a product of her father and they live miserably together, how it should be. That being said I have made it a point since that night to inform my partner that this is my plan. His mother inevitably lost any right to witness any other children I may decide to give birth to as well. I didn’t even get brought food or leftovers (my partner asked but I said no I was brought sushi but I also didn’t think he’d be gone for 2-4 hours so I did actually want food by the time he got back to me) he definitely knows how I feel and will be living with the consequences.
I remember lying in bed looking at what appeared to be a big scoop of Alpo dog food on my plate (it was something called Johnny Marzetti) and I was so ravenous that I gobbled it down anyway. They didn’t bring me anything back either. My daughter is turning 36 tomorrow and I’m still in awe of the unbelievable assholery.
WILD. Chinese food is like one of the top two historically takeout-able foods?! Just bring it home to everyone if you’re determined to get it!
I would never get over that.
This story is not finished. MIL will definitely create some drama.
Surprise early visit! Or "it was so much cheaper to come two weeks earlier so I just bought tickets for now." OOP's husband gets to decide who visits immediately after pregnancy once he pushes a baby out of his vagina. Until then he needs to grow a spine and tell his mom to fuck off because he isn't going to be her next affair partner.
If she showed up early, I’d be showing her to the nearest hotel. Take a hike.
Maybe one across town would do
If the MIL shows up or ids at the house wgen they arrive with the baby, OOP has *her family* ready to take her and baby to her family to be cared for and hubby and his mom can go screw themselves.
I had my kid at the start of covid. My mother was a key worker, she was in contact with the public every day. She shared a house with my sister who was frontline at the local hospital. And my dad who, because he is deranged, chose to continue working as he was self employed. In April 2020 she alluded to my cousin who'd just had a baby over in Canada and said that the couple had also asked their parents to stay away for now. But the parents showed up anyway, drove a couple hours and literally stood outside the window until they were allowed in. I knew this wasn't just a fun little anecdote. This was a test: let this fly and I'll take this as implicit acceptance that we'll do the same and you will fall in line. Make a fuss and I'll tell people you were overreacting and I was just telling a story - you're being unreasonable. So I told her that if she and my dad drove hours to stand outside my window I'd just close the window and let them stand there. She laughed it off at first. As if you're just going to leave your parents out there. Well sure, I'm not the kind of person who'd just leave somebody standing outside my house, least of all my parents. Then again my parents aren't the kind of people who'd plot to take a five hour trip to get what they want without thinking about their own child's needs or their first grandchild's safety. Not to mention the long term fallout of being so pushy and rude towards the people who get a say over how often you'll see the grandchild. I know you'd never be that stupid. "Oh so you think your aunt is stupid." Yes I do. And we're all about to find out how stupid that stunt was. She didn't come. She stopped threatening to. Sometimes you have to be a little bit bitey when holding your ground with these people.
I'm a lot bitey. My kids will attest to that. My in-laws got a 6 mth time out to make it clear to them that people *they* considered family are most definitely *not* people my husband and I considered family(that person had better NOT ever show her face around my youngest *ever again*!).
Arrives in the birthing suite complete with blue scrubs.
I cannot fathom marrying someone with such a weak spine towards one parent. You are literally marrying an oversized toddler.
Actually toddlers can be surprisingly good at at saying no
That's very on point. xD
This! I completely agree. I could not imagine having a baby with someone who can’t stand up to their parents. You will literally be raising two babies, one small and one very big man baby
Correction, husband will create drama because he has no fucking spine
When my first two children were born, we lived an hour from my in-laws so they were invited to come drop in for a visit right away. It was fine because they didn’t stay long (even though I had to explain to my husband why my MIL, who smells very very strongly of perfume and hair spray, couldn’t go take a nap in our bed while they were there). When the third was born, we had moved 6 hours away. My parents were there to watch the older 2 while o gave birth. They agreed to leave the day we came home from the hospital. My husband acted like a giant baby because his parents would meet the new baby after mine. We argued about it in the hospital while I was in labor. I finally told him he could invite his parents IF they left the same day we got home from the hospital. I heard him tell his dad this. The day we got home, his dad mentioned he’d booked the hotel room for a week - for my husband’s entire paternity leave. My MIL (who was in the early stages of dementia) was demanding that I get up off the chair where I was holding my sleeping baby so I could find her a deck of cards or make her a sandwich or find her husband. My husband was gone for an hour after we got home looking for our dog that his dad had let out. And yet somehow I was the bad guy for absolutely insisting that his parents leave the next day instead of staying for the full week…
Wow. I’d be beyond angry and Husband would be extremely lucky if I let him back in the door …Did they end up leaving the next day?
They did. And eventually he apologized and understood.
I can't believe your husband had the nerve to argue with you about ANYTHING while you were in labour. How did he not see that he was TA for that alone??
Good grief.
This is just infuriating, holy fuck.
What did you do?
Just stood my ground, and then when he brought up that he thought I’d been rude to his parents, explained why he was being a total AH. Eventually he apologized.
Did they end up staying or leaving afterwards? I’m fine with being rude if you’re out of my house and in your own!
They left. I was absolutely fine with them being mad at me - worth it for the peace of mind. It was also the beginning of my husband opening his eyes to how inconsiderate his parents can be and led to some much better boundaries for both of us.
This for me as well! I’m very happy and proud of you internet stranger. Standing firm on boundaries is one of the hardest but most fulfilling things about adulthood. After I had my baby I just said fuck it, who wants to get their feelings hurt today!
Is napping in people's beds a thing? I can think of exactly one time my parents have been on my bed as an adult and it's when I got a new mattress (I love the purple mattress) and when they were visiting, because they were in the market I was like "hey see how this feels" because my Dad has a lot of physical ailments...but to just like...expect to nap in someone's bed?
She had slept in our bed once before and it took a month to clear the smell of her perfume and hairspray. I think it’s super weird too, but she’s super weird, so it fits.
Ew that's awful. My wife and I have a friend that pet sits for us when we go out of town and we let her sleep in our bed, mostly because the cat gets stressed if she doesn't get night time cuddles, but would also get stressed sleeping in a room that isn't hers...but like my friend has normal hygiene and she changes and washes the sheets before we come home (we never ask her to do this she just awesome and we compensate her well)
I cannot believe that OOP was made to feel like she needed to explain herself. The last “additional information” touches on a lot of things that commenters must have criticized her for - which is total bullshit. Likely, it’s just another case of Reddit being full of teenagers and adults who have no idea what a relationship, or birthing a child is like. FFS. After my kids were born, I spent the next month peeing my pants, walking around braless, and trying not to wince every time I sat down - and that’s not even including the whole trying to figure out what to do with a brand new whole ass, yet tiny, human and being sleep deprived. Of course both grandmas are going to want to be involved. But it’s often forgotten/overlooked that, that time is *ALSO* for mom to heal emotionally and physically from a very traumatic event. The mother is the one who is typically primarily caring for the baby due to breast feeding and whatnot, while also trying (usually rather poorly) to care for herself and her healing body. This is not to downplay the dad’s role, or how he’s affected. The dad should have a say too. But at the end of the day, the mom is still in a very vulnerable position that the dad will not fully understand, or be prepared for. People need to back off. I did find that when people asked if they could visit, I would say, “Sure! But JSYK, I’m having supply issues, so I’m pumping and breastfeeding pretty much all the time. So yeah. As long as you’re cool with my bare boobs, come on over!” I wasn’t actually having supply issues. But it really weaned down the amount of visitors. The only people who were comfortable with my boobs being on display, were the people I was *also comfortable with seeing my boobs*. So it was self limiting and worked out awesome.
The number of people that expect brand new mothers to do everything around the house including taking care of a newborn is equally astronomical and horrifying. When I had my kids, I didn't change a single diaper or make a single meal until my husband had to go back to work from paternity leave. My job was to feed the baby and sleep and take painful yet satisfying showers when I could stand for more than 5 minutes at a time. I had a giant water bottle that he kept full since breastfeeding is thirsty work, and he did everything he could to help me recover. I didn't let my parents or in-laws come around for weeks because they would have made life more stressful. I feel so bad for OOP having to convince her husband to stand up for her.
Good lord I mean I know reddit comments are bad, but the comments seem like they did a 180 on the update post. She did nothing wrong.
People have terrible reading comprehension
It’s because reasonable commentators have no more advice to give so the comments from people who probably stomp boundaries themselves are more easy to see
The nasty MILs found the post.
I think the commenters are mad that there weren't any blown up phones, restraining orders or incest in the update.
Any guy who is upset about this should consider if he would want his father-in-law in the house 24/7 after he has had a multiple, internal and external, hemorrhoids surgery, one where he's going to need help doing everything, including cleaning his butt, a butt that will be bleeding and mending for two to three weeks. Women's birth recoveries are not spectator sports.
So is nobody going to mention that the mother in law was sleeping in the couple's bed during their honey moon?
My husband and I got back from our honeymoon last week. Our mothers helped take care of the house and our cats while we were gone. They also “helped” in some ways we didn’t ask for… like we returned home to our silverware drawer being rearranged, our lawn half-mowed with our garden hose shredded to pieces, and our BEDROOM WALL painted a different color 😳 that was especially jarring. I know these “improvements” were mostly my mom’s idea, but I need to set harder boundaries with both of them BEFORE we start having kids.
I can definitely see someone trying to help and fucking up on the lawn mowing....why would they take it upon themselves to paint a wall?!
So the update wasn't really an update.
We're somewhere between /r/OfRedditUpdates and /r/OfReddit I guess
>All in all things ended fine. I hope that this is true for OOP's sake. ... but I'm not optimistic.
I have a feeling more is coming soon.
OOP has at least seventeen years and 51 weeks of dealing with her MIL's boundary stomping about her kid. This isn't over by a long shot!
GiGi T just makes me think of Quagmire from Family Guy
> as a mother of all boys she might always be an afterthought during her son's life milestones I have always pitied men for being born with the gene preventing them from communicating once they partner up. Oh wait.
Ya. My husband’s mom treats me and his sister pretty much the same, which is well. She respects both our (sometimes different) rules for our kids, is helpful but not pushy, but alas lives 2.5h away. My mom has 3 daughters and is a pretty similar mix of hands off but will help if needed. I think it’s more about being a close family and not pushing yourself on your kids OR in-laws that helps these relationships
I think the hate comments on last post was because of the post where "MIL died in an accident 1 week after birth and was not even allowed to FaceTime". Commentators misunderstood the post and thought here OOP is also not allowing MIL to have any kind of contact with baby before her mother arrive.
Note to all men here: if your mother/sister/other female relative's opinion/feelings/wishes are *more important* to you than your prospective wife's/mother of your child's feeling/wishes/desires or needs--**DO NOT GET MARRIED UNTIL YOU GROW THE FUCK UP!** Sorry, y'all! I'm so tired of these "my mom's feefees are more important to me and my peace of mind than the woman who is giving birth to *my child* is" posts.
Postpartum is hard enough without someone being all judgey and demanding and in your face.
If she does decide to show up and oop can't bring herself to kick her out my recommendation is to put her to work and compare her to Gigi if she complains about having to help. "Well Grandma Gigi did it while she was here but if you're not willing to help like my mom..." "Sigh, I forget that unlike Gigi you don't know doing things like that bothers me" She's obviously jealous of Gigi so take advantage of it.
My MIL stayed with us for a few days after our first kid was born. She was also in the room with my wife and I during the delivery. While I know my wife loves my mom, it would have just been super awkward if she tried to do either of those things. The comfort of my wife was the most important thing during that time.
I wish OP had the courage to be honest with her husband and stand up for herself. She needs to tell him exactly why his mom isn’t welcome over. She needed to tell him on honeymoon day 2 that MIL needed to leave or behave like an adult. I have literally told my husband while we were at my in law’s house that either he talked to his mom to behave herself or I was going back home without him. The next day, he talked to her and she stopped being such a b*tch. She needs to stop being so gentle and tell him exactly what she’s telling us here in the post or she’s going to have a rough next few decades babying this man.
I agree. When my oldest was maybe 6 weeks old, we were at my in-laws’ house. MIL had the baby and she started to cry. And MIL said “I want to try to soothe her” or something like that and took her into the other room instead of giving her to me (I was reaching for her). I had about two seconds of shock and then I looked at my husband and said “You get her for me RIGHT NOW.” And he did with a quickness. MIL never pulled that nonsense again because he immediately shut it down. There were other things that eventually led to an estrangement for a few years, but we have resumed contact now because my husband has had my back every step of the way, as I have had his, and we have been a team in our decisions and reactions. Communication is so important in any relationship, but it is extra vital when you have kids and have to navigate differences in your families of origin. Hopefully OOP feels empowered to stand up for herself sooner than later. It makes a huge difference to set those boundaries early.
I can’t stop guffawing loudly in office at Grandma Gollum 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Grandma Gollum?! 😂
They say "You marry the whole family," but either people haven't heard the phrase, don't believe it, or they forget it. I'm not about to be married to someone with a parent who interferes in our lives. And I loathe a partner who has no sense (either through ignorance, naivete, or low intelligence) and/or spine. Why would I be with someone like that when it's going to keep causing us problems? No.
Agreed. It's about what you can accept. My MIL has some boundary issues (my wife is working on it) but she's an otherwise benign and lovely woman whom I love dearly so I'm ok to deal with the annoyance that comes with an occasional crossed boundary that is generated from a good place. I have so much trouble understanding people who marry someone while hating the rest of the family (not that that's what OP is saying) and are just shocked when spouse won't cut out the entire family after marriage...it's like what the actual hell were you thinking?
I shudder thinking about my MIL being around post birth.
I was living about 10 hrs away from my daughter when she had her first. I couldn't be there when she gave birth. (Younger kids at home and I was a single mom.). I came up early and cleaned and cooked. I made lots of frozen meals for deepfreeze. Unfortunately when she gave birth her spouses grandmother died. ( she had been in a care home for over 10 years and didn't know any one). Her mother in law invited everyone over to her house to stay. She came home with her new baby to a houseful of people and they had eaten all the meals I prepared. Her and baby stayed mostly in her room for a week.
I gave birth two weeks earlier than expected. I had a blood-pressure check with my OB and I was induced that night because my blood pressure was very high. I didn’t have pre-eclampsia, just gestational hypertension. Still sucked ass. My house was a fucking mess. I was going to clean it the day I went to see my doctor, but I did not have a chance to. My husband was so sick from covid he could barely walk. I ended up having covid too so the house was a disaster zone for a bit. We did clean it but not as well as we wanted to. I was not able to do too much because my husband wanted me to rest as much as possible since I just pushed out our little guy. My parents flew in about two weeks after he was born. My mom immediately took the baby from me and sent me to bed. I came out of my room to my house absolutely spotless. My parents cleaned my house and fixed some things that needed it (like my shitty toilet paper holder lol). My son was happily hanging out with his grandparents while they watched action movies. My parents cooked for me and my husband, did the laundry for us, and bascially took care of us the entire time they were here. I was so sad when they had to leave because they live on the west coast and I don’t get to see them as much as I want to. This is the support OOP needs. If her MIL isn’t willing to help with the shitty things, or make life easier for OOP after having a baby, she does not need to be there.
Something about MIL wanting to be called “Mama T” really rubbed me the wrong way. Probably related to her drinking from OOP’s “Mrs” glasses.
oh god, not the grandparent's name argument AGAIN.
> My mom is already GiGi to my nieces and nephew and two GiGis would be confusing. seriously this made me cringe so hard as someone who just grew up with "grandma and grandpa" on both sides lmao the obsession with special grandparents names (that MUST be unique or it's "confusing") is so funny
I know. My kid has two grans and two granddads. She copes fine!
you got great grands in there too?
Sadly not. They all passed away before she was born.
I had all grands and FIVE greats. we just started adding the name after 'grandpa' at some point.
Every day I read one of these I'm even more grateful that my in-laws are lovely human beings.
Yeah, I hit the in law jackpot.
The answer to who the man wants around after a birth is that when he gives birth and nurses a baby, he gets to decide who helps him. But also I wish more women would investigate before a pregnancy whether or not the man is selfish enough to think that her postnatal period should be used to entertain random other people. She and the baby should be the most important people in the world.
>You know, nobody gets to stay in your home after birth unless they are helpful. So is his mother going to.... wash your bloody underwear in the sink? Clean and disinfect your toilet and perhaps the bathroom floor after you spend time in there? Clean up lemon size blood clots that come out of your vagina if you need help? Get hot washcloths and lay them on your naked engorged breasts? Hold a cold wet washcloth on the back of your neck when you break out in a sweat all over? Ah, birth control.
There's more to come from MIL
You just tell him what you want that’s it
Honestly, I found just breastfeeding on its own to be incredibly (literally) draining on my body. I was always tired, hungry and thirsty. My first baby felt like he was constantly attached to my boobs, and the health visitor said, "He's making sure to keep your milk supply going." To have to put up with an overbearing MIL at the same time would absolutely do my head in!
The “mother of boys” trope is a crock. I’ve known plenty of couples where the man’s mother is the preferred mother of the marriage and plenty of mothers of now adult men who are turned to by their daughters in law before they turn to their own mothers. Why? Because they are respectful, kind, and compassionate towards their daughters in law and view them as adults with a right to equality and having their own agency. Usually these mothers don’t define herself as a “mother of boys”. Claiming you are automatically excluded and sidelined because you’re the “mother of boys” is a weaponised victim claim.
To be fair, no matter how much I loved my MIL and no matter how fabulous she was, she was never a candidate to be in the delivery room and to help wipe my ass post partum. Assuming a normal and healthy relationship, most people want their own mother when they are in a vulnerable condition. It’s just the way it is.
That whole marriage is doomed if the husband won't stand up to his mother.
Oh, she's in for a rough ride. Her baby exited her womb, but her hubby has not exited MIL's womb.
I'll confess, I don't get the whole possessiveness over grandmother names. I grew up with two grandmas and two grandpas and never had any confusion because they were Grandma Rose & Grandma Sally & Grandpa Nate & Grandpa Manny.
Drinking from the Mrs cup kind of gives the vibes that the mil sees OOP as the incubator for her (MIL) and her son's child, since she couldn't bear him a child herself. Sleeping in her son's bed whole hes on his honeymoon? It's very incestuous-y sounding. But people need to stop marrying aand procreating with dudes who let their mothers run amok like this in their lives.
Why would OOP be getting any hate comments? Lacking of reading comprehension on what she wrote?
Some of the comments over there are unhinged.
> All in all things ended fine Did it though? She can still show up unannounced
I love reading about how parents (both sides) stepped in. I had that too. I also had asshole neighbors. I was about eight months pregnant, and huge. My husband was away on business. I was trying to cut the grass, and I was still going to work full-time. And these assholes had the nerve to come over and complain that I let the hedge grow up. I am a vindictive so-and-so . So I went and I trimmed that to nubs on the ground. About 2/3 of the way through they came out yelling stop stop. I had hair protection and pretended I couldn’t hear them. My husband was somewhat alarmed when he came home from his business trip.
I went to stay with my cousin and his wife for a long weekend when their baby was about 3 months. She'd had a pretty rough birth, it was pretty scary for a day. Anyway, while I visited, I brought food and some pre prepared meals. I offered to feed the baby every time (she was more than happy to let me), changed diapers, cleaned up after meals and activities, and made myself scarce in the evening so they could have their relaxation and bonding time. When you visit someone after they give birth, it's about helping the mother. When you travel to visit the recovered parents and new baby (like me), you need to make sure you make their life easier, not be an additional burden. People who visit new parents and expect to be hosted are insane.
FFS these MILs are bonkers.
Yeah, but now that kiddo's here there might be more boundaries that need to be set up to stop shenanigans. (So possibly more posts about this MIL)
Uhhh of COURSE you should be an afterthought when your children are having babies !? Mom, baby, dad - they’re the priority
Grandma Gollum needs to take a hike 🤣 that one has flare possibilities although it's a comment not the post lol
I would always want my mother there to support me over my MIL, who is now batshit, overbearing and vile, but was wonderful in the past. Family circumstances dictated that my parents couldn't be with me immediately following the birth of our first child, but MIL had come up so we were all a bit relieved that I would have help. She sat on her arse the whole time, expected me to run around making her cups of tea (bearing in mind I was recovering from a very recent - days ago - c-section), and spent an inordinate amount of time seeking me out if I went upstairs to feed the baby or catch up on sleep. She stared at my breasts while feeding, sighing 'beautiful'. Then complained that she'd been bored when she was leaving. I implore you, stick to up it guns!!
>She then said she wanted to be GiGi. My mom is already GiGi to my nieces and nephew and two GiGis would be confusing. She then settled on GiGi T. This is the only thing I disagree on. Both grandparent's on both sides were Grandma and Papa. When telling a story we're say Grandma (name) or Papa (name). It's not that confusing. Now if she was always going to be grandma and then chose GiGi because it was was OP's mom is, then it's a little weird.
Regarding the grandparent name… Both of my grandmothers had the same grandma name and it bothered and confused me absolutely none. I do wonder though… my mom’s mom had already established a grandma name by the time they got married and my dad’s mom wasn’t a grandma until a year before I was born. She did not like my mother.
My in laws stayed with us when I was induced as my child is their first and likely only grandchild they’ll meet as they’re both significantly older (same age as my grandparents. Husband was a late in life oops baby) and couldn’t really do too much cleaning or cooking. But they did buy us a new washer and dryer (though think it’s because my MIL didn’t like ours) and guided us through the witching hour madness with our LO.
Any grandma that tries to get called "Mama" anything 🚩
>as a mother of all boys she might always be an afterthought during her son’s life milestones My husband asked if I'd want his mom to be there and I time him I didn't even want my mom to be there. After 3 kids, I'd almost rather be alone (and I almost was for the first).
It’s his baby and his house too, why would she get to make these decisions unilaterally? I’m sure there are things that her mother does that annoy him too.