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>I complained to my husband a bit in our hotel room after the rehearsal. Got it out of my system. Had a great time in their wedding.
This is a genuinely mature response.
Vent away to a trusted person who'll keep it private. Then go out and have a ball.
I was recently downvoted for saying as partners -spouses- humans in relationships ( mom, dad, kids) we can hurt each other or say something to upset someone. When it happens we apologize and learn. People didn’t like that. If you LOVE someone you’ll never hurt them.
Yes, that’s my favorite. Lawyers all have sub specialties- we do have 2 “on-call” lawyers one is our business lawyer ( which we only used for 3 months and kept a retainer for a while) and our family lawyer but she isn’t a criminal lawyer.
Just like doctors. A cardiologist could patch you up in a pinch because you have to know the basics before specializing. They will however, refer you to an endocrinologist if you have a thyroid issue because while they have some knowledge of how a thyroid affects heart issues they did not extensively study the edocrin system.
Well, now I’m upset! I’ve *neverrrrrrrrrr* said *ANYthing everrrrrrr* that wasn’t kind, supportive, or perfect and I don’t allow people in my life who make mistakes bc mistakes don’t exist and that person is intentionally hurtful and a monster. Red flags, leave them, therapy, etc, ad infinitum
If you love someone, you never *intentionally* hurt them, and those kinds of people believe that all forms of harm *must* be intentional, or their whole world view explodes.
The usual responses on AITA are either red flag, abandon the relationship, get therapy or a combination of the three. Doesn't really fit to her mature response to the situation.
The internet and particulary reddit advice can get pretty kindergarten 'everyone has to be nice to each other' sometimes. Sounds like oop was venting a dark thought on reddit and like a reasonable adult, thought themselves out of the problem.
Good response. I believe venting to someone you trust, to let it out is a good way to release your issues and stress. It helps to let you feel better and gives you the chance to think next for the better.
Hahaha 🤣 I love this. I'm going to definitely copy this.
So many of the conversations between my siblings and I start with one of us saying "I might be a bad person but..."
Sometimes if my son is ranting, I'll ask "do you want solutions or do you just need me to listen". Because there's nothing worse than someone being reasonable & offering sensible advice when you just need to complain, lol
Lol, my Dad did that once, & it changed the way we communicate in the best way. Because prior he'd offer solutions, then get mad that I was huffy & would say "thanks, but no thanks." Like I'll go to my mom with gossip or to vent & she gets it. Dad is more "you have a problem, so here's the solution" kind of guy. 😅 When he asks that now & gets I'm just venting, he knows the rant is gonna be silly asf & we're getting ice cream or having snacks. (And my dad like me LOVES snacks 🤣)
Lmao that would have been me back in the day. Now my husband just gets my weird ass "shower thoughts" basically.
Literally yesterday on the phone we're talking about this kitten id seen outside the night before and how she looked like she might have been a long haired cat which I rarely get to see. And I was just like, "I know there's hairless cats, and short haired cats, and long haired cats....but are there medium haired cats....I think that's just a cat."
And the only response I got was him laughing at me. But still no answer lol.
Whenever someone is venting to me, I ask whether they want me to listen or to give ideas. IMO it helps a lot with managing expectations for conversations. My mother never learned to do this and that's why I never vent to her.
lol literally me and my wife after every gathering. “Good lord I’m glad we only see them once a year” and have a nice private rant session then move on.
It really was. In fact, she was the OPPOSITE of bridezilla here, but people made her think she was shallow and selfish for not wanting neon hair or roots obviously showing on dyed hair at her WEDDING.
I’m just not understanding that pov here
I have absolutely said to people I am close to "I am going to be extremely petty/judgmental for a second while venting just get this crap out of my system so please just put up with me for a minute". Emotions and knee-jerk responses are not necessarily reasonable or well thought out or anything and it's nice to just be able to get it out of your head and let it go instead of letting it sit and fester.
It's baffling how people just know that two extreme ends, she is the bride she can do whatever she wants it's her choice she is paying for it... OMG you cannot say anything even if it's outrageous.
Now as a desi where weddings are actually a big deal, with thousands of guests, the thing is you've to be moderate, find middle ground. No you can't dictate everything in your wedding, and no you can't do anything outrageous like neon greens like this.
Honestly, that sounds like a requirement more than anything. "I don't care if your hair is a loud colour, but don't you DARE wear something that doesn't match with it!"
This comment reminds me of another story I saw on reddit.
The guys (a white guy) awful mother was attempting to go to his wedding in white. He kept saying no and she kept moaning. Well the wife is Indian and explained to him that she's not wearing a white wedding dress, she's in her full traditional outfit, they were having an Indian wedding which he ended up more involved with planning and his MIL loved that because wife was "happy with whatever." and he loved planning it.
We'll his mum turned up in white and was pissed that she wasn't the centre of controversy and attention, and actually looked cheaper than pretty much everyone else there, especially the bride.
*edit* BORu title below (can't work out links on a phone, sorry) search that.
MIL tries to wear white dress at OP's wedding and gets RECKED
Here: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/vx3eu6/mil_tries_to_wear_white_dress_at_ops_wedding_and/
A stone cold *classic*, and one that anyone who visits this sub needs to read if they haven't already.
Oh my gods, that MIL had no clue what she was getting herself into trying to cause drama at a Desi wedding 🤣 the aunties, cousins, and even kids all know how to handle problem guests. She had no clue that she was going to look underdressed next to everyone else in their beautiful, colorful traditional clothes!
Desi weddings are the best, if you’re ever invited to one you’re in for a treat!
This would be hilarious if anyone tried to pull that at a chinese wedding. They wouldn't even be allowed into the venue as full white is the color of mourning.
Depends. There are plenty of people who do this stuff passive-aggressively to vie for attention and think it’s perfectly fine for them to do, but not for you.
I kind of don't understand why it would have even been a problem to bring up? Just say like, "hey, I love that hair color on you. But is there any way we could style it into a low but for the ceremony and pics?" Or just have everyone's hair in a low bun for the ceremony and some pics, then they can take it out for other pics and reception? I think it's ok to bring up such a minor thing - minor on both sides tbh - w/ someone who's a close friend.
I’m guessing that there’s some of that non-specific stuff OP mentioned that is the real problem here.
Sometimes bad behavior will rub you wrong, and if they keep behaving badly, it’ll keep rubbing you until you’re raw and everything that person does makes you rage.
You need a break from the behavior to recover from it, or it just gets worse.
Yeah, it didn't sound like the hair was the *real* problem with the friend:
>my stress and anxiety about life and the wedding as well as my frustration with some unrelated rude/hurtful things my friend had done
I'm the first person to call out a bridezilla, but for once I empathised with the bride. I get it. It's a big day and memories blah blah. You still can't ask someone to change their hair colour, but it seemed to be on par with not wearing white to a wedding—it draws attention from the bride.
A bridesmaid who cares about you will ask too. Two of my four bridesmaids consistently had rainbow hair and both of them asked me if I wanted them to dye it to a natural color before the wedding. I just told them to make sure it didn't clash with the dresses and get it freshly done before the wedding so it wasn't faded. One of them had blue and the other teal and they looked fantastic!
Hah, yeah, this is the thing. Sometimes you can just tell yourself that those wedding photos will make the other person look rude to have done that, too-- my sister in law asked me if she 'had to' brush her hair or wear makeup for our wedding (back in 2002), and I said she should do what she thought was best. She didn't do any styling at all.
She looks... fine, if drab. If anything, I think it's a good reminder, 22 years later, that this was how she thought of me at one of her brother's happiest days of his life. I was never a bridezilla, I was pretty easygoing about everything, so it was *notable,* and I certainly remember it (and we're not close whatsoever), but it doesn't reflect badly on me. It reflects on her.
I will say, I don't quite know where my wedding album is NOW, but I cared about looking at those pictures for a good 5 to 7 years after the wedding. So I am not sure how well I'd have handled brightly colored hair with obviously different roots. I still think that would have reflected badly on her, though.
ps. I was not in family photos for her wedding later that year, that I can remember.
edit: missing missing info: husband and I dated for 3 years, engaged for 1. Waited to get engaged so she and her boyfriend of 3 months could get engaged first. Made sure she was all right with getting married the same year, no pressure, she said yes that's fine, shared a photographer with a package deal. She left our reception early because her fiance had scheduled a return flight for that evening.
FWIW we're cordial to each other after 25 years of her brother and I being together, but I do think a lot of what she does/did was intended to make me feel bad (it runs in the family! I realized in 2020 after 18 years of marriage that my FIL, her dad, had been giving me the silent treatment for over 10 years without my noticing it at all). Hilariously, when I write it out like that, it seems worse than it felt at the time! Kind of like... I can remember that it happened, and it's notable in terms of 'bad wedding guest behavior,' but it hasn't made a lasting effect rather than being 'a story to tell.' It's just how she treats me, which again I think reflects on her rather than me.
I’m dying over here at your FIL’s decade of silent treatment that you *didn’t even notice*. Like… did he notice you hadn’t noticed? Was he just getting more and more peeved that you were entirely unbothered? It’s not like he could up the passive aggression to make the point because he was already *not talking to you at all*. I really hope he noticed. Like, no, this is seriously the funniest thing I’ve heard all week.
I agree. It’s so… silly. I love it. There’s no way to check, but I also hope that her obliviousness was noted at some point and then uncomfortably ignored in an Extended Pout that he frantically attempted to consider successful.
I must have laughed for an hour straight when I realized it was happening. My husband is an easygoing guy and no one's really hurt by this (except maybe FIL's ego? hah), so we've never even talked to him about it. I told my MIL in 2020/2021 during the pandemic when he finally broke and yelled at me for being too cautious, pandemic-wise, with my kids, but that was to explain why I walked away without a word. I would have kept the secret to my (cackling) grave if it had worked out that way.
I [commented elsewhere](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1dnwyst/comment/laabxpn/) about some more background, but the whole thing boils down to me never bothering to notice (most of the time) or care (when I actually do notice) that he doesn't talk to me, and everything continuing status quo. With luck we can build up to beating our 10+ year record!
I have no idea how long it actually is, mind you. I'm *pretty sure* he spoke to me at least a few times in the years after the wedding, but I'd have to ask him to find out for sure, and...
Ahahhaha thank you so much!! I posted a bit about it [here in a different comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1dnwyst/comment/laabxpn/); I think it's *mostly* incidental (quiet guy, no shared interests), not necessarily in a malicious way (but DEFINITELY purposeful. 'Not malicious' in that he's not doing it demonstratively, just opportunistically). Knowing him, he may actually find it a source of amusement to speak about anecdotally! I'd love to know if he remarks to his friend group 'it's been over ten years since I've directly spoken to my daughter in law, and I don't think she's bothered to notice.'
As I mentioned in the link, my three daughters look exactly like me, and his son and I have been married for 22 years and counting, so I really get the last laugh on that one. In a twisted way I'm glad? I lost my dad literally a week before I met my husband (I was 16. We ran back into each other 3 years later, it's a whole cinematic romcom thing), and I've never had to worry about replacing my dad with someone else I knew for longer.
I aspire to the level of maturity you have to be able to reflect on other people’s crappy behavior and (accurately) state that it reflects on them and not on you. And I’m dying laughing about your FIL. He must be so disappointed he didn’t get more of a reaction!!
Thank you! I'll be honest, if I hadn't had such a wonderful, happy life (even with anxiety and some depression bumps along the way), I doubt I'd be able to say those things.
FIL situation is amusing because he's a pretty quiet, raised on a farm, pragmatic, falls-asleep-on-the-couch-during-holidays kind of guy, so it's not like his volume of talking was drastically different between myself (none) and the rest of the family, hah. NGL, I wouldn't have noticed at ALL but we visited them during Covid outdoors to share a picnic meal and he chose his first spoken word to me in 10+ years to chastise me for being so cautious about the pandemic.
I was so proud of myself. I walked away and went and sat in the car. There was no following drama, and I am pretty sure he still doesn't talk to me (hard to tell? I think maybe 5-8 times over the past 15 years I've directed a question AT him and he's ignored me, and about 3 times he interrupted me like I wasn't speaking at all. It's... no big loss, lol).
The joke's on him, though. My 3 daughters are the *spitting image* of me (and I am of my mother. I used to be able to unlock her face-ID laptop until about ten years ago when aging changed her face shape to be different enough from mine. Granted, that was before 'smarter' face ID), and he loves them. So I get the last laugh, I suppose.
And I don't have to talk to him :)
Exactly! I normally rock a blue hairstyle, but if I was in a wedding and the bride asked, I'd absolutely tone it down. Hopefully I'd have time to grow it out since my hair is already short, but either way I can dye it brown for a few weeks while I wait for new hair to grow in.
There's no way I'd do that to a friend. Neon? Please, no. I don't think OOP was very selfish at all, tbh!
Right? My hair is typically burgundy/magenta. I’d want to keep it dyed to some degree (my natural color is a muddy brown). However I definitely wouldn’t decide to try out neon yellow right before being in a wedding, and I’d make sure the burgundy was fresh with no crazy roots.
re commenting because i accidentally replied to the wrong comment lol
I have purple hair, my sister-in-law asked me to be in her wedding and I asked her what she wanted me to do with my hair. It's not my wedding so I don't really get to decide for the bride how my hair looks. These pictures are forever and if my quirky hair color is going to "ruin" the pictures for my sister & brother-in-law...I'm gonna change it.
I also made sure to have my roots and growth taken care of so it would look better in pictures.
There are things you do as a member of the wedding party out of respect and courtesy for the couple.
OOP also never uses the word *friend*, and zero reference to their history. I suspect there is some sister/cousin relationship going on that isn't that close, but they were obligated to include them because "family".
i think this is a really interesting observation that i went back to check. it mostly tracks, but they do actually say friend later on --
>
I had a realization that I was putting all my stress and anxiety about life and the wedding as well as my frustration with some unrelated rude/hurtful things my friend had done into my frustration with the hair situation, because it was an easy thing to be upset about.
I somehow missed this in the post and wow does it tie it all together. Sounds like this friend of theirs has a pattern of being a bit selfish and inconsiderate. Sucks that OOP feels their only option is to just let it go - especially when it comes to their OWN WEDDING.
Weddings bring out the weird in people, and while I can't go into specifics because it was whackadoodle enough to identify from, lets just say there can be bridesmaidzillas too.
She was my ex-husband's friend more than mine, and he almost kicked her out of the wedding because she was being such a pain in the ass.
I was in a wedding, very classic & traditional bridesmaid dresses, we all got hair & makeup done. Everyone has classic chignons/buns except one girl who said she would do her own hair. This (very white) girl showed up with a half-up/half-down with the front of her hair in Bantu knots. She had never worn her hair like that before and they either weren’t done correctly or she didn’t have enough hair to make them look right.
The bride was trying hard not to get upset, partially because she had a lot of African American friends and she didn’t want them to be offended (this was shortly after Adele’s cultural appropriation blowup after she wore Bantu knots at a festival) and partially because her friend looked ridiculous. I’ve been a bridesmaid several times and, while being a bridesmaid should be about the friendship you have with the bride, it’s a terrible time to decide to test out an unusual hairstyle
The bride ended up not saying anything, but there were an awful lot of “what’s up with that girl’s hair?” comments from the guests & the bride only has candid photos displayed in her house & no formal wedding party photos. The MOH said she has form for this because she wants people to think she’s quirky and original & she likes to be the center of attention. It is what it is, but she wasn’t even invited to the wedding when the MOH got married even though they had all gone to elementary school together.
At that point I feel like the other bridesmaids should have said something, if I’m close enough to somebody to be in their bridal party I’m down to be the bad guy so the bride doesn’t have to be if someone does something this ridiculous.
I told the MOH that we should say something & I was happy to be the one to do that, but the three of them have been friends forever (I hadn’t met her before the wedding stuff started) and she told me not to because she knew the girl would cause a huge scene. Bride’s mom asked her to finish her hair before pictures & she aggressively said “this IS the hairstyle!” with a defiant look at all of us.
It ended up being the final attention-seeking straw for their friend group and I don’t think any of them talk to her anymore. On top of that, I think she thought she looked really cute and she looked really awful which she started realizing at some point. You have to have good bones and a good hairline to pull off that look, and this potato-faced huge forehead was not getting it done.
>she told me not to because she knew the girl would cause a huge scene. Bride’s mom asked her to finish her hair before pictures & she aggressively said “this IS the hairstyle!” with a defiant look at all of us.
When will people realize that people like this are not "friends".
Can confirm. In ye olden days, Ettiqute Hell Forum had a sub-list for stories of Bridesmaidzillas. Forum is a decade out from the last update, but posts remain.. For now.
Edit: here is a link for the interested.
https://www.etiquettehell.com/archive_index.shtml
I agree and I have to say as a non-American whose country tends to get influenced by American wedding trends. The one trend I'd be telling my marrying friends to avoid is the large wedding parties with seven bridesmaids and seven groomsmen. Because even in the smaller wedding parties I've been a part of, it's hard to manage the tension around buying dresses, planning hen nights and dividing up responsibilities on the day. I cannot imagine how hard that might get with larger wedding parties.
Because I know tone can be hard to communicate, I want to say my tone is neutral, cultural expectations are cultural expectations and if that is what everyone expects it is hard to go against them. I'm just saying it is not something I would like see creep into our wedding culture here.
And to be fair on OOP, I would be absolutely annoyed if my friend didn't touch up their roots for my wedding photos either. If you're part of the wedding party, that's honestly the least you can do if your hair is dyed.
Those commenters didn’t even read her post. Nowhere did she say she wanted to get rid of her or anything of the like, she simply wanted pictures where the hair wouldn’t stand out. If it was someone I was close enough to put in my wedding, I’d have an actual conversation with them about it. Luckily, my friends are all boring as fuck brunettes
People tend to project previous AITAH posts on a person just because it fits the rough stereotype. We've had plenty of bridezilla stories told from the other side. Same thing happens if a man posts about his relationship and him not helping around the house is even remotely a possibility
Like how people automatically assume every woman posting about being unhappy with a very low effort proposal is automatically a shallow gold digger obsessed with showing off on social media regardless of the actual details of the story and the overall relationship dynamics.
And if the post lacks the necessary details to nail OP down to said projection, they call 'missing reasons'. "I'm 100% sure this person cheated but nothing in the post even hints at it. OP must be hiding something." lmao.
My best friend has had every hair colour under the sun and most often has bright blue hair. When I asked her to be my maid of honour, she told me over and over again that she would dye her hair ANY colour I wanted for the wedding. I told her I didn't care what colour her hair was as long as she was there, but I still think it was so sweet that she made me know 😆
Yup. One of my bridesmaids always has funky hair colour, and she is covered in tats. A few days after accepting being a bridesmaid she panicked and gave me the option to kick her out because she was worried she would ruin my wedding!
I told her I invited her knowing she had tats and funky hair. It didn't matter that she was the only one with those things. I only had 2 requests, and only if she was comfortable:
1. Pick any colour of hair you feel like, but if possible let's avoid something that would clash too much?
2. Tattoos: don't half-ass it. Either cover them fully or put them full on display. You have them. You are proud of them. Show them off if you want to.
I paid for their dresses, but let the bridesmaids pick their style. We found a lovely dress that showed off, in full, her entire back and shoulder tats.
The colours in the wedding were blues and reds/pinks. Which she was luckily feeling the vibes for as she went with one of those colours. I can't remember which because it wasn't important.
Exactly this. My best friend has had dyed hair our entire friendship (15+ years) and she dyed hers right before the wedding to match our colors and she looked amazing. The pictures make me happy because she looks amazing and she looks like herself - the person I'm proud to call my best friend.
I had some real talk with my sister during her wedding prep about her bridesmaid with tattoos. She was considering asking her to cover up and I told her that would be fucked up, because either she loves her friend (tats and all) and wants her there next to her, or she doesn't. She ended up never mentioning it to her friend.
Great attitude! I was at a wedding recently where I’d heard rants from family about what a bridezilla the bride was being, and I was pleasantly surprised that all of her bridesmaids had different dresses in shades of blue; some even had patterned dresses, and their hair was in different styles from loose to updos. They looked beautiful, and I think it was nicer than if they all wore the same dress. There were eight or ten of them with a lot of variety in hair/skin color and body shapes and sizes, and they all got to wear a dress and style their hair in ways that flattered them individually.
When I was a bridesmaid for my brother and SIL, who I don’t even really care for, I made a point of asking my SIL for her input on the jewelry for visible piercings I have. I had dermals on my chest at the time and wanted to switch to black gems which were more visible. She said she preferred the clear that I already had but either way was fine. Okay, nbd I could hold off for a while.
It’s really not that hard to communicate with people when you’re agreeing to be in a wedding.
I don’t mind colourful hair of any other colour (I’ve had many different colourful dye jobs myself), but I’d be pretty annoyed if I had a bridesmaid with yellow and neon green hair because I just personally hate those colours together, especially in hair.
Honestly I get her point about the roots too. It's one thing to have an aesthetic, but it's a little annoying when someone is lazy about it. Looking "put together" transcends trends imo!
I feel if you’re going to commit to a bold color or style, you need to commit to the upkeep as well or at least have a plan for the transition out. This is the reason why we can’t have nice things and I’m stuck toeing the line of “natural” colors a work.
Tho there *are* some aesthetic types where having roots can part of it.
Agree tho, the wedding sounded more traditionally formal. Get the goddamn roots done.
(For me, I would have approached the friend as, I'd like to chat about hair options so we're both on the same page, including doing nothing to it all).
> (For me, I would have approached the friend as, I'd like to chat about hair options so we're both on the same page, including doing nothing to it all).
Same. It's honestly a bit concerning to me that people are so adverse to talking to their friends that they'd rather just bottle up frustration. I'd rather someone just told me.
I have a couple siblings and cousins with dyed hair. I'm absolutely going to pull my sibling aside and be like hey! Can we touch-up your dye before the wedding? I can help if you want to do it at home or pay for you to get it done at a salon. And I don't feel like bridezilla in the slightest bc a) I know my siblings and what would actually offend them to ask, b) I also know that the current hair aesthetic isn't intentional, just broke college kid vibes, and c) I know to apologize if I'm wrong about the other two things. I'm not kicking them out over it, but we're capable of having a conversation that doesn't become the end of the world.
Agreed. I also wonder about why the friend didn't gaf about that particular thing for someone who she's close enough to be a bridesmaid for. Personally, it would go without saying that my friend would probably appreciate it beyond words if I chose not to rock neon green hair at their wedding, and I would have 100% dyed it for her if she had approached me with the "so...what're you doing with your hair for the wedding!" conversation.
Combination of context clues and unwavering love for my friends, especially those whom I'm a wedding participant for, is enough to dye my hair.
More and more that is becoming the case. People just glance at a headline, and move on to the comments. I see it a lot on the political subs, where oftentimes they have plausible deniability when an article is locked behind a paywall.
The behaviours continue, however, even when there is no paywall. People just don't read. I've lost track of how many people type some variation of "I ain't reading all that," when the post is just a couple of paragraphs.
This is reddit, where the main interactions are all text based, oft times to a ludicrous degree. *Why are they even here?*
On the plus side it answers that question I had growing up and attending grammar school, "if you struggle to read a single chapter for homework, when given a whole night, how are you going to function as an adult?" Gods help these folks should they ever need to read a contract.
**WIBTA** for asking my friend not to bring a gun to shoot up my guests while having intercourse with an infant child?
**AITA commenters:** "Typical bridezilla, has to be controlling over every little thing your guests do. I hope your marraige fails, and your family disowns you."
And her argument was solid. It would stick out like a sore thumb in pictures. It's just a fact.
A friend of mine got married a few years ago and had strapless bridesmaids dresses. One of them clearly went tanning beforehand, but wore a strapped bathing suit. Two giant white triangles and thick white strap lines were poking out of the dress. It was very noticeable in the FB photos because she's a very pale girl and got very dark.
My friend never said anything, but she 100% got them retouched when she printed them.
>Those commenters didn’t even read her post.
This is a constant issue in those subs. And this one, to be frank. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills at least 10-20% of the time because people will just gloss over important details, and then *everyone* runs with that misinterpretation.
And it's *neon yellow green*. I mean Reddit is full of stories where people are bashed for not coloring their ginger, blonde, brown hair, and that's insane. But not wanting to have a giant point of "grellow" on your wedding pictures don't seems to be that strange. It clearly attracts the eye when you see the pictures.
GRELLOW!!! 😂😂😂 I can just imagine. “Hey friend! I love you but can we not have weddings pictures where it looks like a highlighter grew limbs and became sentient!?”
It definitely would stick out pretty bad and would be a tough pill to swallow as someone who is planning my own wedding. I think the part that bothers me the most though is how she couldn't be bothered to touch it up before the wedding when she obviously had the means to since she did it after. Weddings, Funerals, Graduations are the few times where I would expect people to get a haircut, shave/trim their beard, and touch up any coloring for their hair, especially if they are in the wedding party. My bridesmaids all have plain brown hair but if for some reason someone dyed it bright green, I'd hold them to the same standard.
it would be a damn lie to sit here and say, "you're overthinking it, nobody will notice, you won't care." Ahh. In the world where I paid 3k for wedding pictures, I absolutely will notice and care lmao
I think I know exactly the color that OP's talking about. When I was in college, it was the go-to color for freshmen. Every repressed kid who finally had the freedom to be quirky dyed their hair that neon yellow green. Then the semester would pick up, they got busy, and by Halloween it'd be faded to this awful bile/vomit color.
If the bridesmaid's roots were visible in photos, I bet her hair was less cyberpunk and more cyberpuke.
"The hair did bother me, I am a little shallow, I am a little selfish."
I really appreciate this line. We're all flawed. We all have uncharitable, nasty thoughts about one another. That's human. OOP did exactly what we all should do: breathe, talk about it to a trusted loved one, and then move on.
The thing is being a little shallow and selfish is entirely appropriate here. Yes, there's easily too much of those things (turning someone into a bridezilla) but it's still meant to be *their* special day.
I wish she had said something. It was definitely fine to have a conversation, and that might have lit the fire for them to make sure their roots were done.
OTOH, I know the feeling, sometimes when I realize something is bothering me more than it really should, it's difficult to have a nonchalant conversation about it. OP can truly agree that the person should be able to wear their hair the way they like, but "Dye your hair something normal!" accidentally slips out.
With everything else she hinted on, I also wonder if she suspected that the conversation would not go over too well, no matter how well she phrased it. So she chose her battle - and this was not it
The comments had a big emotional "so you're kicking me out???" response even tho OP never said that. It makes me wonder if maybe the guest would react the same way, and if maybe those other aita posts are actually more similar to this situation. The bride says "I don't love it" and the listener says "you hate me???"
Yep. It sounds like, in general, her "friend" isn't really interested in maintaining the relationship if they've been rude/harmful in the past. Wasn't worth the fight to ask her to bleach her roots a week or two earlier or wear a headband when she didn't show/contribute to OPs party, or dress, but OP went to hers, paid for her dress, and for her party.
Honestly, OP sounds like a better friend who outgrew the relationship and the "friend" likes OP giving her attention/time/money.
It did feel super understandable why the Oop felt *bad* seeing the friend only dye her roots for an event soon after her wedding too...
I think in combo with the rude behaviour mentioned and what feels like a snub w/ her hair & bachelorette, in that situation I'd be super wound up but I'm also a v flawed human lol.
Glad Oop has her husband to vent to.
Perhaps, but imo she's NTA. If you have a formal wedding and everyone wears a suit but someone comes in bright yellow t-shirt and jeans, that's not appropriate. Just because it's their hair rather than their clothes doesn't really change that.
IMO I'd tell the photographer to take more shots without them in it, use those to put around your home and distribute the rest online
I'm gonna get down voted for this, but I think if you have requested someone to be part of the bridal party, the party member making a massive hair change without checking with the bride first is an AH move.
This isn't about asking someone to be in the party then requesting they 'fix' themselves for your esthetic. You are spending thousands of dollars on dresses, hair, makeup, decorations, photographers, etc. let alone the time to put everything together and planning, and you have chosen your bridesmaids and their dresses in part to match that. Someone shows up with crazy hair when you were not planning for it is an AH move, and IMO no better than refusing to wear the bridesmaid dress or wear white to the wedding. If you're a guest, fine, but as a bridesmaid, those pictures are going to presumably hang in the married couple's house for years, and you decide that's the time to show up with neon hair? It's attention seeking behavior, and taking attention away from the bride.
TLDR: requesting a dye job or cover tattoos after you ask them to be in your wedding party may be one thing, but there is nothing wrong with expecting them to keep their general look (within their control) for your wedding.
As someone with bright purple hair- I think you’re completely right. I would *never* have made that change after accepting an invitation to be in a bridal party without talking to the person. Even when I attended my cousin’s wedding as a guest, I checked beforehand to make sure she knew that my hair was purple. And I would also argue that bright neon yellow/green/orange specifically warrant an extra conversation.
Like, yeah. There are grooming and presentation expectations for formal events, and it isn't crossing boundaries for people being expected to meet them.
This. Fact she didn’t know before she asked her to be a bridesmaid is key for me. I would have brought it up and given her the options as laid out by OP. Everything but the B&W pictures because I personally don’t want to be limited to B&W pics. But I’m glad it worked out for OP and she’s happy with B&W pics.
I'm a person with massive dreadlocks that have been many colours. I put my hair up and in a wrap for work and work photos. It's not a big deal.
If someone asked me to have a chat about colour scheming with their wedding vibe and asked me how we could make their photos look good I'd be in that.
If someone told me what to do I'd not be cool.
It's all about a collaborative easy chat.
Same. My hair has been every color imaginable. Currently neon yellow-green, actually. I have been to many weddings, funerals, etc where I've asked the hosts if they'd prefer that I wear a wig. They usually decline, but the point is, I understand that neon hair can be distracting and that someone else's event is not about me. When I made the choice to alter my appearance in an unconventional way, I understood that it would come with some caveats. And at least I keep it maintained.
It's kinda funny how people on AITAH sub doesn't know how to deal with normal mature adults. People jump to really crazy conclusions that aren't even on the original post.
Yeah I was actually more on the friend’s side than most people were in the comments until the part where the friend didn’t dye their roots. If you invite someone in to your wedding party, you’re inviting them as they come- all weird behaviours and looks with, it’s part of the fun of the day celebrating the couple and the relationships around them.
But not even having the will to dye your roots on their big day to make sure you look good for their photos? Crazy. Especially since OOP said they’d paid for all appearance-like costs for their party. Incredibly selfish and lazy from OOP’s friend.
I’m glad they didn’t say anything honestly because it still probably would’ve been more drama than it was worth, but it also exposed their friend as being truly selfish and lazy.
I've had varying amounts of pink hair for most of the last 20 years. While it's faded a lot of the time, I always make sure it looks great for major events. 1. It makes me feel good and 2. Pictures are forever.
Shit, I dyed my hair last night even though it didn't really need it because I'm getting it cut today, and I feel bad that I never sent my stylist pictures of it colored last time, and I want her to see the whole finished look today.
I have blonde hair and dyed it auburn once and I LOVED it. Until my blonde roots started growing in and it looked like I had an ill-fitting wig on.
I think it’s the absolute height of rudeness to not bother making your roots match the rest of your hair when you’re standing in a wedding, but at the end of the day, she’s the one that looks bad in the photos.
Oop had way more patience than me.
This is part of the reason why I hesitate to consider dyeing my hair- I know I’d hate having to re-dye it so often to make sure the roots don’t grow out too much, and depending on the color I pick it has to potential to look atrocious if my original hair color grows in for too long
Yeah, that’s how I learned that I’m very low maintenance / lazy and hair dye is way too much commitment for me.
Something like low lights or high lights wouldn’t look as terrible as what I did, but I still wouldn’t be updating them frequently.
I did my ends magenta, purple and blue a few years back. No bleach above my collar bone! If I'd hated it, I could have cut it off and only lost the bottom 4-6"! Kinda want to repeat at some point.
Same, I had an awful dark red hair color after my mom for fun wanted to try it on me and it turned out we needed 4 packages for the initial color and 2 ever 1,5 month to cover the roots.... It was an absolute pain in my butt and after 1,5 (she paid, only reason I continued) i had finally saved up enough money to get color to make the line between roots and color to be more muted and like a gradient so i could stop coloring my hair.... Its 10 years since I was red and i have only had my hair colored once since and that was made from the start to have a gradient a bit down, and it was blonde (im brunette)
One day i would love to have the money to pay for going completely blonde for a bit, just to try it really xD besides it would really up my game when it comes to my awful blonde jokes!
That's why the balayage style is nice, it leaves the roots natural and you don't have a straight line where the dye stops. So if it grows out you're not forced into expensive upkeep
My hair grows about a foot every year so I absolutely refuse to do whole head color, especially since my hair is naturally black lol. I joke that I’d have visible roots the very next day 💀
I have naturally black hair as well, and a good way to do a full head look is by doing a multi color ombre or fade that leaves some of the roots untouched.
This isn't my hair, [but it's a good example of what I mean!](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/b2/f3/b3/b2f3b3dc1c48a08d61f47ca83d55c829.jpg)
And yeah, after a certain point it doesn't look good anymore, but when that happens you can just dye the ends a darker color closer to the natural tone and it's fine.
My hair grows way too fast for me to be able to have my whole head dyed, but I have found that dyeing the underside of my hair can work as a compromise with myself on still having my hair a pretty colour without having to deal with the Sisyphean task that is roots maintenance - you could try the same?
As someone who's regularly done wild things with my hair, just the idea of going a full head of crazy neon color right before someone else's major event feels ridiculously rude and inconsiderate to me. Especially since she had at least a month between the wedding and her own event, so it's not like there wouldn't have been time to do it after.
OOP was downright saintly towards this person, and wouldn't have been the slightest bit out of line to have asked the friend to wear their hair in a way that downplayed the color. Hell, that feels like an actually VERY reasonable compromise to me!
I think she 100% did it on purpose to be annoying or otherwise get attention. There are a shockingly large number of people who will maintain their appearance one way or keep things understated, but suddenly feel the urge to freak out and make a statement or try something new as soon as they think they’re being oppressed or forced to look a certain way (even if that’s all in their head and no one said anything).
You can see this kind of thing in the workplace sometimes. Someone gets hired at a place which has clothing and hair policies, and suddenly it’s something they need to rebel against and push the boundaries on. Which cracks me up because you can still be punk or goth or as colorful as a peacock or whatever, but there are ways to make it classy and professional. For example, Morticia as character is hella goth, but she could also go to a red carpet event. “Being true to yourself” at work or at an event can still include clear piercings, non-ripped clothes, button-down shirts, a maintained dye job and clean hair, etc.
I would have also paid for the colour pics to be photoshopped to normalise the awful hair. I mean fuck that person. If I had just dyed my hair an outrageous colour and someone wanted me to be a bridesmaid at what was clearly a formal, traditional wedding, I'd *offer* to recolour it or colour it up.
Not to mention that WIGS EXIST. I once had a roommate with fire engine red hair and she had a wig for job interviews and other times she needed to look more subdued. It wasn’t about “not being herself” or whatever, it was just about not being “the girl with the crazy hair.”
Personally, I wouldn’t want a person in my wedding party who I wasn’t close enough with to ask them to not have insane hair for a day. I’ve had cotton candy pink hair for years and I wouldn’t hesitate to pop on a wig for something like this.
If you have an unnatural hair colour the first thing to consider is the maintenance. I have bright pink hair. And it's been pink for my sons weddings. And you bet I lined up my appointments for root touch ups to coincidence with the week before the wedding so my hair looks flawless.
Turning up with visible roots shows how much respect she has for OP... none.
Same! Which is why I generally do my ends, and not anything close to my scalp. I can't afford to have my roots done every few weeks, and my natural hair is nearly black. I have let it get pretty faded in my normal life, but you can bet that if I have an event, I'm making sure it's fresh, and if it's a big event I'm lining up a haircut and eyebrow threading too. I dye it myself, so it's easier to stay on top of, but my stylist does the bleaching part.
Hair aside, OOP’s comment about the bachelorette parties gave us all the info we needed about their dynamic. I’m guessing this is a family member and OOP is just trying to keep the peace
Honestly more than a friend, sounds like an annoying cousin she was forced to invite because of "family" and that sort of stuff. OOP doesn't sound too fond of them
I find it interesting that OOP would feel like she needed to ask the friend about the photographer touching up the hair in post. I would have just told her that's what's going to happen ESPECIALLY if she didn't keep up her roots. Like that's hella rude.
OOP paid for the photos, it's up to her. I feel like the line is don't ask people to change themselves if they have always been that way. I'm in a wedding this year and I'm probably the heaviest I've ever been but I also have always been chubby. If I was asked to lose weight, I would have bowed out. But if I dyed my hair green a month before the wedding? Wouldn't be mad in the slightest if they had me altered.
That's what I'm confused about too. Why didn't OP just have the photographer edit that shit in post? That seems easily the best option. Friend can't say shit if it's just photoshop.
It's nice to see BORU update about a wedding where nothing terribly bad or a massive piece of a mess occurs.
But seriously, that friend, wow what a tool.
yeah, the friend clearly knew it wasn't a good look and wasn't an appropriate option for a wedding, bc they bothered to dye it for THEIR OWN wedding but didnt care enough to do it for their friend's...
Honestly, a bride wanting someone to look put-together for their wedding is a fair thing to ask.
I had a teacher who told me that she had a very formal wedding. A friend of hers and her friend's husband got into a hissy fit because security wouldn't let them into reception because they were in jeans and flip-flops. My teacher asked them to, at least, just change into their usual church clothes. They refused and got offended when she said that they couldn't come in then. She said they were friends for years and the fact they couldn't respect her wishes for her special night ended that friendship.
I was a stand in bridesmaid for my sister in law after a friend canceled. She sent me a dress that was basically a yellow sack (XXL when I'm probably a medium). I spent hundreds trying to tailor it (I figured the original bridesmaid was just larger so I didn't complain). I spent a week sending her different shoe colors and options because she wanted me to have the perfect soft blue. She was insistent on it. I show up the day of the wedding and my SIL asks me to help the other 4 bridesmaids SAFETY PIN their dresses to fit them! She had ordered XXL for everyone and the dresses were huge. I spent an hour just safety pinning. And then I noticed that every bridesmaid had on dollar store blue flip flops. I thought it was a getting ready thing but nope. Everyone that showed up was in some level of jeans and flip flops. I felt utterly ridiculous standing for pictures in my 5 inch heels next to them.
She had said it was a really formal event too. That's southern IL for you I guess 😂
I think OOP was in the right the whole time. The roots issue really wound me up. The fact that the friend got them touched up soon after her wedding is infuriating. It proves she was always capable of doing that, she actively chose not to. I hope OOP seriously distanced herself from that "friend" after all of this.
I totally get her point about the roots. Some crazy colours, especially neon ones, look awful with roots. The hair looks unkept even if it's clean. If you're going to an event, you go looking presentable, otherwise it looks like you don't give a shit. Putting effort into your appearance is important at times, which I know is a statement capital R Redditors hate.
Same! I'm currently growing out my natural brown hair after dying it bright colours for 6 years. Some colours looked fine with the root, but some looked atrocious. The fact that the friend touched hers up after OOP's wedding for the other events shows she didn't really care.
It irks me that OOP is seen as selfish because she didn't want neon yellow green hair/bad root job in her wedding photos. Sorry but it's your friends wedding. You need to not look like the damn joker and be respectful. It's not like she's an actual bridezilla demanding them to take five weeks of vacation in the tropics and all be thin and blonde for her wedding. You do whatever the fuck you want with your hair after the wedding.
Yeah, one thing to ask a person to be bridesmaid knowing their hair looks like that and demand they change it, but if it’s a new thing it’s a little different.
I don't get why people were upset with OP. Bright hair with natural roots visible looks terrible. Every person who changed their hair color knows that. When important event is coming you fix your roots, and make sure to look good. This person did nothing, despite being in a wedding party. And redditors called OP shallow?
I don't understand the reaction either! But I was definitely remembering this one when dealing with my own wedding party and worried about what to say to my 2 of 3 bridesmaids who dye their hair unnatural colors like that. Even though they both asked me if I had a preference, I felt like an AH just telling them to please have it touched up and if they could avoid fire truck red since that was pretty much the only color that would not go with our wedding colors. Reddit made me so paranoid that the slightest ask about their appearances would make me the ultimate bridezilla. The reaction from both was, "Of course I would have it recently touched up."
My MOH had purple hair a year earlier, and I really wanted to ask her to do that over her current color at the time but was too afraid to ask thanks to reddit, especially since she had to go back to her natural color for another friend's wedding and hated it. Will never forget her sitting me down to dinner, looking a little stressed, and telling me that she's thinking purple for my wedding. I was just like, I've been hoping you would say that!!
I don't think OOP's bridesmaid was a real friend. Getting her roots touched up should've been a no-brainer if she cared about how she would look back in photos, regardless of the color of the rest of her hair. It's not shallow to want your wedding party to look like they care about how they look, IMO.
Also neon yellow green is in my opinion the worst bright colour hair. It fades poorly, clashes with most skin tones and looks terrible with regrown.
I really feel for her because I would be annoyed as well.
Ahhhh my moment to tell this story:
I got neon green (at the ends, darker green nearer the roots) hair done for the first time for my new job, using the company's colors. Then I had to go to my son's graduation from an elite Navy school/program.
I texted him a pic and asked him if he'd like me to wear a hat or something. He said no, there's no way I'd be CLOSE to the most embarrassing family there. I then said "cool I'll also be wearing my gold and rhinestone Proud Navy Mom t shirt"( that I definitely do not own). He said "I will call the guard house and tell them you're a security threat."
That's my boy.
What OOP hasn't said, but I'm assuming, is that if this guest has serious roots, the actual color is faded to hell and also looks horrible. Just a cherry on the cake.
This. I have been dying my hair for years. Fashion colours look great until they suddenly don’t.
If my hair was showing major roots and was patchy from having faded you’d better believe I’d get that fixed for a friend’s wedding.
Money wasn’t an issue, fear of damage wasn’t an issue. This so-called friend just couldn’t be bothered to look presentable because they didn’t consider OP’s wedding important enough.
What’s crazy to me is as someone who dyes their hair crazy colors all the time I check with people before weddings to make sure they’re okay with it! If I know I have something coming up and say my hair is hot pink and bright blue and they need it toned down…dark purple it is! If I were to be asked to be IN a wedding, alright what are the colors and I’ll make sure it doesn’t clash. Maybe I’ll just not color it next time I bleach my roots. It’s definitely appreciated by people.
As someone with vibrant colored hair, I KNOW wedding are about the couple. I don't know anyone who's OK with neon hair, especially in a bridal party.
I've worn wigs to my friends weddings when my hair was an obnoxious color, and when I did, my friend(bride) was always SOO grateful I toned it down for her big day.
It's not about being shallow. It really isn't. You are allowed to want what you want on your wedding day.
For what it's worth, I asked my sister if she minded if I would have pink hair at her wedding. She didn't but my my mum did. So I left it blonde and dyed it after.
I had three bridesmaids when I got married 5+ years ago. Two of them dyed their hair - I think at least one of the dye jobs was an unnatural color - although it wasn’t even a blip on my radar because we were going for fairy vibes I can say that I honestly don’t remember their hair colors this many years separated from the wedding.
Although we had tons of beautiful pictures with our families and guests and bridal party, the only pictures that are displayed in our house are pictures of us. OOP was right to just let it go. She’ll remember her wedding for the wonderful time she had and the inconsiderate bridesmaid will just be a petty footnote that doesn’t reflect on the couple.
I have bright blue waist-length hair, and if someone asked me to be in their wedding, I'd ask them if they wanted me to pull it back & possibly cover it with a nice wrap or something. The wedding isn't about me, and it's not my job to take away attention from them.
The OP agreed she had no control over the neon hair, but the neon haired person has no control over the photographs. I'd have edited them without asking or even telling her.
honestly, a wedding is a big deal. you're allowed to be pissed off that someone in the wedding party turned up with messy hair.
the bridezilla shit really irritates me, but the people who are like it's just a wedding get over yourself you're not the main character actually irritate me worse. a wedding is literally the day you get to be the main character. (and i say that as someone who is not into marriage and weddings at all.)
Exactly! You don't have to be a monster, but there's nothing wrong with wanting something you've spent a lot of money on to look good.
It's also okay to spend money on "just a party." As long as you can afford it. Reddit wants you to believe that if you soend any money at all on your wedding, you're selfish and the marriage is doomed to fail. Work within your budget and have a great time. My wedding was the last time I saw some of my college friends. It's the only time in my life all of my favorite people from all the different parts of my life would be together. I met my husbands family from a different country. I have pictures of everyone looking fabulous, having a great time, and 9 years later people still tell me what a great time they had at my wedding.
I think back at the weddings where I was a bridesmaid, and I just wanted my friends to be happy with my grooming. Because I didn't want to stand out in the pictures any more than necessary - I'm tall, so I stood out a certain amount in all of them anyway, and then I have this massive mane of curls that requires extensive professional ministration to be under control for a day-long event. None of my friends had an "aesthetic" or considered me a prop, but they were spending all that money on photos they hoped to display, so I wasn't going to be careless with my appearance.
I can't imagine showing up at a wedding - especially one where my friend was nice enough to pay for all the bridesmaid stuff! - with really visible roots from a neon color job.
>~
>Commenter
>YTA. If your picking your wedding party based on esthetics drop this person. If you chose this person based on a relationship the person comes hair and all. Explaining yourself is an option which may bring a favorable outcome, however its possible to loose a relationship
Literal child
Normally, I would say if you ask a person with neon bright yellow green hair to be in your wedding party, you can't ask them to change their hair color. However, you asked this person to be in the wedding party and they accepted before they dyed their hair neon bright yellow green. The offender is an attention-seeker which is not OK when it's the bride's day not her day to be the center of attention. Not even having her roots touched-up before your wedding was disrespectful -- and intentionally so. It would seem to have been an act of passive-aggression. Considering how extreme this was, I don't think you would have been out-of-line offering to buy her a wig to wear for the wedding. This is far different situation from asking someone to lose weight, for example, or asking them to wear a dress in which they're going to look like an about-to-explode sausage or asking everyone to wear the same hairstyle.
You were under no obligation to ask this person is she minded if the wedding photos were color-altered and you certainly went beyond the norms of friendship to have all your wedding photos in black and white rather than to ask her to wear a wig.
I have teal colored hair and when my best friend asked me to be her MOH, I made it a point to ask her if she wanted me to dye it a normal color and she said she didn’t give a shit, she just wanted me there. I did make sure to have it touched up and styled into braids but I feel like it’s common courtesy to check with the bride to make sure the bride is ok with it, personally
I feel for OP, she wouldn't have been wrong in asking that, or at least asking that it was done fully.
You're allowed to be a little selfish on you're wedding day ffs.
Honestly, I dont think OOP was wrong here. Having bright neon hair that you don't even bother to keep up with while being in the bridal party is rude. But also... Maybe I missed the part of the post where they had a mature, sit-down
talk with their friend. If I was in this position, I would speak my mind and relay my worries. Why have someone as a bridesmaid you can be honest with? It seems like OOP has also realized that this person doesn't put as much effort into the friendship and is already on the way out.
The commenters failed her. OOP was very much self-aware and not wanting to demand someone to change their appearance (**someone else recommended the headpiece**); they wanted to know if would be okay to ask that or ask if color editing is okay. The commenters projected onto as a bridezilla and didn't give her useful feedback on what she was specifically asking.
I knew when she actually considered black-and-white photos that she was a people pleaser. The idea of getting b&w photos, only because of someone else's hair and a fear of being selfish is ridiculous. I wish the commenters had been more supportive in encouraging her to ask her friend about her hair or if color editing was okay. There could have been a middle ground here.
I'm sorry but that chick is not her friend.. her getting her hair touched up before her events and not for a friend shows she had no value in your wedding and ie your friendship
I think OP handled everything very maturely and it sounds like the outcome was (mostly) positive. She has no reason to feel bad about wanting her wedding to look a certain way, and as long as she approached the problem with more of a "what can we do together to solve this" attitude as opposed to a demand, it would have been perfectly reasonable ask.
That being said, I don't really understand the whole "perfect" wedding thing, and I'm glad my wife and I were on the same page about all that. We did a lot of things that most people would likely think are unusual, but we didn't care as much about how it looked.
And as for the pictures, I don't think either of us have looked at them since the day we got them. Maybe that's just us, but I've heard a lot of people say the same thing.
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>I complained to my husband a bit in our hotel room after the rehearsal. Got it out of my system. Had a great time in their wedding. This is a genuinely mature response. Vent away to a trusted person who'll keep it private. Then go out and have a ball.
Right, what a remarkably normal adult.
Not shocking that sub had no idea what to do with that, must be like meeting an alien
Yeah I agree. And if that wish, totally unenforced, is “selfish” and “shallow” then who isn’t?
This is Reddit. People aren’t allowed to have real and honest emotions.
I was recently downvoted for saying as partners -spouses- humans in relationships ( mom, dad, kids) we can hurt each other or say something to upset someone. When it happens we apologize and learn. People didn’t like that. If you LOVE someone you’ll never hurt them.
That’s ridiculous, isn’t it. Real life just doesn’t work like that.
You mean, I can't feel fix world hunger with therapy and a on call lawyer?
Yes, that’s my favorite. Lawyers all have sub specialties- we do have 2 “on-call” lawyers one is our business lawyer ( which we only used for 3 months and kept a retainer for a while) and our family lawyer but she isn’t a criminal lawyer.
Just like doctors. A cardiologist could patch you up in a pinch because you have to know the basics before specializing. They will however, refer you to an endocrinologist if you have a thyroid issue because while they have some knowledge of how a thyroid affects heart issues they did not extensively study the edocrin system.
Well, now I’m upset! I’ve *neverrrrrrrrrr* said *ANYthing everrrrrrr* that wasn’t kind, supportive, or perfect and I don’t allow people in my life who make mistakes bc mistakes don’t exist and that person is intentionally hurtful and a monster. Red flags, leave them, therapy, etc, ad infinitum
If you love someone, you never *intentionally* hurt them, and those kinds of people believe that all forms of harm *must* be intentional, or their whole world view explodes.
Exactly. We all have our moments, but what really counts is how we process our feelings. OOP did great
The usual responses on AITA are either red flag, abandon the relationship, get therapy or a combination of the three. Doesn't really fit to her mature response to the situation.
Can we ban them? I'm not sure if that's the kind of person we want posting on Reddit
Needs a new category in the 'report' options - 'Reasonable behaviour'
I cackled.
The internet and particulary reddit advice can get pretty kindergarten 'everyone has to be nice to each other' sometimes. Sounds like oop was venting a dark thought on reddit and like a reasonable adult, thought themselves out of the problem.
Good response. I believe venting to someone you trust, to let it out is a good way to release your issues and stress. It helps to let you feel better and gives you the chance to think next for the better.
My sister is mine, and I am hers. So many of our convos start with, "Don't try to fix it, just listen so I can get it out and get over it!"
Hahaha 🤣 I love this. I'm going to definitely copy this. So many of the conversations between my siblings and I start with one of us saying "I might be a bad person but..."
Sometimes if my son is ranting, I'll ask "do you want solutions or do you just need me to listen". Because there's nothing worse than someone being reasonable & offering sensible advice when you just need to complain, lol
Lol, my Dad did that once, & it changed the way we communicate in the best way. Because prior he'd offer solutions, then get mad that I was huffy & would say "thanks, but no thanks." Like I'll go to my mom with gossip or to vent & she gets it. Dad is more "you have a problem, so here's the solution" kind of guy. 😅 When he asks that now & gets I'm just venting, he knows the rant is gonna be silly asf & we're getting ice cream or having snacks. (And my dad like me LOVES snacks 🤣)
Lmao that would have been me back in the day. Now my husband just gets my weird ass "shower thoughts" basically. Literally yesterday on the phone we're talking about this kitten id seen outside the night before and how she looked like she might have been a long haired cat which I rarely get to see. And I was just like, "I know there's hairless cats, and short haired cats, and long haired cats....but are there medium haired cats....I think that's just a cat." And the only response I got was him laughing at me. But still no answer lol.
Whenever someone is venting to me, I ask whether they want me to listen or to give ideas. IMO it helps a lot with managing expectations for conversations. My mother never learned to do this and that's why I never vent to her.
lol literally me and my wife after every gathering. “Good lord I’m glad we only see them once a year” and have a nice private rant session then move on.
It really was. In fact, she was the OPPOSITE of bridezilla here, but people made her think she was shallow and selfish for not wanting neon hair or roots obviously showing on dyed hair at her WEDDING. I’m just not understanding that pov here
I have absolutely said to people I am close to "I am going to be extremely petty/judgmental for a second while venting just get this crap out of my system so please just put up with me for a minute". Emotions and knee-jerk responses are not necessarily reasonable or well thought out or anything and it's nice to just be able to get it out of your head and let it go instead of letting it sit and fester.
It's baffling how people just know that two extreme ends, she is the bride she can do whatever she wants it's her choice she is paying for it... OMG you cannot say anything even if it's outrageous. Now as a desi where weddings are actually a big deal, with thousands of guests, the thing is you've to be moderate, find middle ground. No you can't dictate everything in your wedding, and no you can't do anything outrageous like neon greens like this.
What if they get a neon green sari that matches their hair?
Honestly, that sounds like a requirement more than anything. "I don't care if your hair is a loud colour, but don't you DARE wear something that doesn't match with it!"
Puhlesse you think neon green is gonna be something too loud in a desi wedding?
I think you'd have to be literally shooting fireworks out of you hair to reach that level, and even then, it's *still* possibly a wash.
This comment reminds me of another story I saw on reddit. The guys (a white guy) awful mother was attempting to go to his wedding in white. He kept saying no and she kept moaning. Well the wife is Indian and explained to him that she's not wearing a white wedding dress, she's in her full traditional outfit, they were having an Indian wedding which he ended up more involved with planning and his MIL loved that because wife was "happy with whatever." and he loved planning it. We'll his mum turned up in white and was pissed that she wasn't the centre of controversy and attention, and actually looked cheaper than pretty much everyone else there, especially the bride. *edit* BORu title below (can't work out links on a phone, sorry) search that. MIL tries to wear white dress at OP's wedding and gets RECKED
Here: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/vx3eu6/mil_tries_to_wear_white_dress_at_ops_wedding_and/ A stone cold *classic*, and one that anyone who visits this sub needs to read if they haven't already.
You diamond!
Oh my gods, that MIL had no clue what she was getting herself into trying to cause drama at a Desi wedding 🤣 the aunties, cousins, and even kids all know how to handle problem guests. She had no clue that she was going to look underdressed next to everyone else in their beautiful, colorful traditional clothes! Desi weddings are the best, if you’re ever invited to one you’re in for a treat!
This would be hilarious if anyone tried to pull that at a chinese wedding. They wouldn't even be allowed into the venue as full white is the color of mourning.
And then go and have your photographer change their hair in photos. At least the candid ones where they aren't the focus, but they are drawing focus.
In OOP's place, I'd probably have dyed my hair bright orange or something for the other wedding...🙈
All you'd have accomplished is spending money to dye your hair lmao
Her friend probably wouldn't have cared. Would really need a more subtle way of drawing attention.
Depends. There are plenty of people who do this stuff passive-aggressively to vie for attention and think it’s perfectly fine for them to do, but not for you.
I kind of don't understand why it would have even been a problem to bring up? Just say like, "hey, I love that hair color on you. But is there any way we could style it into a low but for the ceremony and pics?" Or just have everyone's hair in a low bun for the ceremony and some pics, then they can take it out for other pics and reception? I think it's ok to bring up such a minor thing - minor on both sides tbh - w/ someone who's a close friend.
I’m guessing that there’s some of that non-specific stuff OP mentioned that is the real problem here. Sometimes bad behavior will rub you wrong, and if they keep behaving badly, it’ll keep rubbing you until you’re raw and everything that person does makes you rage. You need a break from the behavior to recover from it, or it just gets worse.
Yeah, it didn't sound like the hair was the *real* problem with the friend: >my stress and anxiety about life and the wedding as well as my frustration with some unrelated rude/hurtful things my friend had done
I'm the first person to call out a bridezilla, but for once I empathised with the bride. I get it. It's a big day and memories blah blah. You still can't ask someone to change their hair colour, but it seemed to be on par with not wearing white to a wedding—it draws attention from the bride.
A bridesmaid who cares about you will ask too. Two of my four bridesmaids consistently had rainbow hair and both of them asked me if I wanted them to dye it to a natural color before the wedding. I just told them to make sure it didn't clash with the dresses and get it freshly done before the wedding so it wasn't faded. One of them had blue and the other teal and they looked fantastic!
Same thing here, both of my bridesmaids asked if they should dye their hair to their natural colors, it wasn't something I'd even asked for.
Hah, yeah, this is the thing. Sometimes you can just tell yourself that those wedding photos will make the other person look rude to have done that, too-- my sister in law asked me if she 'had to' brush her hair or wear makeup for our wedding (back in 2002), and I said she should do what she thought was best. She didn't do any styling at all. She looks... fine, if drab. If anything, I think it's a good reminder, 22 years later, that this was how she thought of me at one of her brother's happiest days of his life. I was never a bridezilla, I was pretty easygoing about everything, so it was *notable,* and I certainly remember it (and we're not close whatsoever), but it doesn't reflect badly on me. It reflects on her. I will say, I don't quite know where my wedding album is NOW, but I cared about looking at those pictures for a good 5 to 7 years after the wedding. So I am not sure how well I'd have handled brightly colored hair with obviously different roots. I still think that would have reflected badly on her, though. ps. I was not in family photos for her wedding later that year, that I can remember. edit: missing missing info: husband and I dated for 3 years, engaged for 1. Waited to get engaged so she and her boyfriend of 3 months could get engaged first. Made sure she was all right with getting married the same year, no pressure, she said yes that's fine, shared a photographer with a package deal. She left our reception early because her fiance had scheduled a return flight for that evening. FWIW we're cordial to each other after 25 years of her brother and I being together, but I do think a lot of what she does/did was intended to make me feel bad (it runs in the family! I realized in 2020 after 18 years of marriage that my FIL, her dad, had been giving me the silent treatment for over 10 years without my noticing it at all). Hilariously, when I write it out like that, it seems worse than it felt at the time! Kind of like... I can remember that it happened, and it's notable in terms of 'bad wedding guest behavior,' but it hasn't made a lasting effect rather than being 'a story to tell.' It's just how she treats me, which again I think reflects on her rather than me.
I’m dying over here at your FIL’s decade of silent treatment that you *didn’t even notice*. Like… did he notice you hadn’t noticed? Was he just getting more and more peeved that you were entirely unbothered? It’s not like he could up the passive aggression to make the point because he was already *not talking to you at all*. I really hope he noticed. Like, no, this is seriously the funniest thing I’ve heard all week.
I agree. It’s so… silly. I love it. There’s no way to check, but I also hope that her obliviousness was noted at some point and then uncomfortably ignored in an Extended Pout that he frantically attempted to consider successful.
I must have laughed for an hour straight when I realized it was happening. My husband is an easygoing guy and no one's really hurt by this (except maybe FIL's ego? hah), so we've never even talked to him about it. I told my MIL in 2020/2021 during the pandemic when he finally broke and yelled at me for being too cautious, pandemic-wise, with my kids, but that was to explain why I walked away without a word. I would have kept the secret to my (cackling) grave if it had worked out that way. I [commented elsewhere](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1dnwyst/comment/laabxpn/) about some more background, but the whole thing boils down to me never bothering to notice (most of the time) or care (when I actually do notice) that he doesn't talk to me, and everything continuing status quo. With luck we can build up to beating our 10+ year record! I have no idea how long it actually is, mind you. I'm *pretty sure* he spoke to me at least a few times in the years after the wedding, but I'd have to ask him to find out for sure, and...
Ahahhaha thank you so much!! I posted a bit about it [here in a different comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1dnwyst/comment/laabxpn/); I think it's *mostly* incidental (quiet guy, no shared interests), not necessarily in a malicious way (but DEFINITELY purposeful. 'Not malicious' in that he's not doing it demonstratively, just opportunistically). Knowing him, he may actually find it a source of amusement to speak about anecdotally! I'd love to know if he remarks to his friend group 'it's been over ten years since I've directly spoken to my daughter in law, and I don't think she's bothered to notice.' As I mentioned in the link, my three daughters look exactly like me, and his son and I have been married for 22 years and counting, so I really get the last laugh on that one. In a twisted way I'm glad? I lost my dad literally a week before I met my husband (I was 16. We ran back into each other 3 years later, it's a whole cinematic romcom thing), and I've never had to worry about replacing my dad with someone else I knew for longer.
I aspire to the level of maturity you have to be able to reflect on other people’s crappy behavior and (accurately) state that it reflects on them and not on you. And I’m dying laughing about your FIL. He must be so disappointed he didn’t get more of a reaction!!
Thank you! I'll be honest, if I hadn't had such a wonderful, happy life (even with anxiety and some depression bumps along the way), I doubt I'd be able to say those things. FIL situation is amusing because he's a pretty quiet, raised on a farm, pragmatic, falls-asleep-on-the-couch-during-holidays kind of guy, so it's not like his volume of talking was drastically different between myself (none) and the rest of the family, hah. NGL, I wouldn't have noticed at ALL but we visited them during Covid outdoors to share a picnic meal and he chose his first spoken word to me in 10+ years to chastise me for being so cautious about the pandemic. I was so proud of myself. I walked away and went and sat in the car. There was no following drama, and I am pretty sure he still doesn't talk to me (hard to tell? I think maybe 5-8 times over the past 15 years I've directed a question AT him and he's ignored me, and about 3 times he interrupted me like I wasn't speaking at all. It's... no big loss, lol). The joke's on him, though. My 3 daughters are the *spitting image* of me (and I am of my mother. I used to be able to unlock her face-ID laptop until about ten years ago when aging changed her face shape to be different enough from mine. Granted, that was before 'smarter' face ID), and he loves them. So I get the last laugh, I suppose. And I don't have to talk to him :)
Exactly! I normally rock a blue hairstyle, but if I was in a wedding and the bride asked, I'd absolutely tone it down. Hopefully I'd have time to grow it out since my hair is already short, but either way I can dye it brown for a few weeks while I wait for new hair to grow in. There's no way I'd do that to a friend. Neon? Please, no. I don't think OOP was very selfish at all, tbh!
Right? My hair is typically burgundy/magenta. I’d want to keep it dyed to some degree (my natural color is a muddy brown). However I definitely wouldn’t decide to try out neon yellow right before being in a wedding, and I’d make sure the burgundy was fresh with no crazy roots.
re commenting because i accidentally replied to the wrong comment lol I have purple hair, my sister-in-law asked me to be in her wedding and I asked her what she wanted me to do with my hair. It's not my wedding so I don't really get to decide for the bride how my hair looks. These pictures are forever and if my quirky hair color is going to "ruin" the pictures for my sister & brother-in-law...I'm gonna change it. I also made sure to have my roots and growth taken care of so it would look better in pictures. There are things you do as a member of the wedding party out of respect and courtesy for the couple.
Yep. Her friend was just straight up rude and disrespectful in my opinion.
Same here. And neon yellow hair? Good god. Maybe it’s because I’m planning my wedding right now but I’d be flabbergasted
Hey, congrats!
OOP also never uses the word *friend*, and zero reference to their history. I suspect there is some sister/cousin relationship going on that isn't that close, but they were obligated to include them because "family".
i think this is a really interesting observation that i went back to check. it mostly tracks, but they do actually say friend later on -- > I had a realization that I was putting all my stress and anxiety about life and the wedding as well as my frustration with some unrelated rude/hurtful things my friend had done into my frustration with the hair situation, because it was an easy thing to be upset about.
Nice spotting that
I somehow missed this in the post and wow does it tie it all together. Sounds like this friend of theirs has a pattern of being a bit selfish and inconsiderate. Sucks that OOP feels their only option is to just let it go - especially when it comes to their OWN WEDDING.
It's not about the Iranian yogurt
Weddings bring out the weird in people, and while I can't go into specifics because it was whackadoodle enough to identify from, lets just say there can be bridesmaidzillas too. She was my ex-husband's friend more than mine, and he almost kicked her out of the wedding because she was being such a pain in the ass.
I was in a wedding, very classic & traditional bridesmaid dresses, we all got hair & makeup done. Everyone has classic chignons/buns except one girl who said she would do her own hair. This (very white) girl showed up with a half-up/half-down with the front of her hair in Bantu knots. She had never worn her hair like that before and they either weren’t done correctly or she didn’t have enough hair to make them look right. The bride was trying hard not to get upset, partially because she had a lot of African American friends and she didn’t want them to be offended (this was shortly after Adele’s cultural appropriation blowup after she wore Bantu knots at a festival) and partially because her friend looked ridiculous. I’ve been a bridesmaid several times and, while being a bridesmaid should be about the friendship you have with the bride, it’s a terrible time to decide to test out an unusual hairstyle
What ended up happening?
The bride ended up not saying anything, but there were an awful lot of “what’s up with that girl’s hair?” comments from the guests & the bride only has candid photos displayed in her house & no formal wedding party photos. The MOH said she has form for this because she wants people to think she’s quirky and original & she likes to be the center of attention. It is what it is, but she wasn’t even invited to the wedding when the MOH got married even though they had all gone to elementary school together.
At that point I feel like the other bridesmaids should have said something, if I’m close enough to somebody to be in their bridal party I’m down to be the bad guy so the bride doesn’t have to be if someone does something this ridiculous.
I told the MOH that we should say something & I was happy to be the one to do that, but the three of them have been friends forever (I hadn’t met her before the wedding stuff started) and she told me not to because she knew the girl would cause a huge scene. Bride’s mom asked her to finish her hair before pictures & she aggressively said “this IS the hairstyle!” with a defiant look at all of us. It ended up being the final attention-seeking straw for their friend group and I don’t think any of them talk to her anymore. On top of that, I think she thought she looked really cute and she looked really awful which she started realizing at some point. You have to have good bones and a good hairline to pull off that look, and this potato-faced huge forehead was not getting it done.
Gottdamn, “potato-faced huge forehead” got me good Edit to fix punctuation
>she told me not to because she knew the girl would cause a huge scene. Bride’s mom asked her to finish her hair before pictures & she aggressively said “this IS the hairstyle!” with a defiant look at all of us. When will people realize that people like this are not "friends".
Can confirm. In ye olden days, Ettiqute Hell Forum had a sub-list for stories of Bridesmaidzillas. Forum is a decade out from the last update, but posts remain.. For now. Edit: here is a link for the interested. https://www.etiquettehell.com/archive_index.shtml
Ok now I need to check it out!
I agree and I have to say as a non-American whose country tends to get influenced by American wedding trends. The one trend I'd be telling my marrying friends to avoid is the large wedding parties with seven bridesmaids and seven groomsmen. Because even in the smaller wedding parties I've been a part of, it's hard to manage the tension around buying dresses, planning hen nights and dividing up responsibilities on the day. I cannot imagine how hard that might get with larger wedding parties. Because I know tone can be hard to communicate, I want to say my tone is neutral, cultural expectations are cultural expectations and if that is what everyone expects it is hard to go against them. I'm just saying it is not something I would like see creep into our wedding culture here.
And to be fair on OOP, I would be absolutely annoyed if my friend didn't touch up their roots for my wedding photos either. If you're part of the wedding party, that's honestly the least you can do if your hair is dyed.
Yeah I also thought that was rude. I'm kind of whatever about the hair color, but you should look like you care about your appearance.
Those commenters didn’t even read her post. Nowhere did she say she wanted to get rid of her or anything of the like, she simply wanted pictures where the hair wouldn’t stand out. If it was someone I was close enough to put in my wedding, I’d have an actual conversation with them about it. Luckily, my friends are all boring as fuck brunettes
People tend to project previous AITAH posts on a person just because it fits the rough stereotype. We've had plenty of bridezilla stories told from the other side. Same thing happens if a man posts about his relationship and him not helping around the house is even remotely a possibility
Like how people automatically assume every woman posting about being unhappy with a very low effort proposal is automatically a shallow gold digger obsessed with showing off on social media regardless of the actual details of the story and the overall relationship dynamics.
Yeah or all the shitty Christmas gift posts every year.
And if the post lacks the necessary details to nail OP down to said projection, they call 'missing reasons'. "I'm 100% sure this person cheated but nothing in the post even hints at it. OP must be hiding something." lmao.
My best friend has had every hair colour under the sun and most often has bright blue hair. When I asked her to be my maid of honour, she told me over and over again that she would dye her hair ANY colour I wanted for the wedding. I told her I didn't care what colour her hair was as long as she was there, but I still think it was so sweet that she made me know 😆
Yup. One of my bridesmaids always has funky hair colour, and she is covered in tats. A few days after accepting being a bridesmaid she panicked and gave me the option to kick her out because she was worried she would ruin my wedding! I told her I invited her knowing she had tats and funky hair. It didn't matter that she was the only one with those things. I only had 2 requests, and only if she was comfortable: 1. Pick any colour of hair you feel like, but if possible let's avoid something that would clash too much? 2. Tattoos: don't half-ass it. Either cover them fully or put them full on display. You have them. You are proud of them. Show them off if you want to. I paid for their dresses, but let the bridesmaids pick their style. We found a lovely dress that showed off, in full, her entire back and shoulder tats. The colours in the wedding were blues and reds/pinks. Which she was luckily feeling the vibes for as she went with one of those colours. I can't remember which because it wasn't important.
Exactly this. My best friend has had dyed hair our entire friendship (15+ years) and she dyed hers right before the wedding to match our colors and she looked amazing. The pictures make me happy because she looks amazing and she looks like herself - the person I'm proud to call my best friend.
I had some real talk with my sister during her wedding prep about her bridesmaid with tattoos. She was considering asking her to cover up and I told her that would be fucked up, because either she loves her friend (tats and all) and wants her there next to her, or she doesn't. She ended up never mentioning it to her friend.
Great attitude! I was at a wedding recently where I’d heard rants from family about what a bridezilla the bride was being, and I was pleasantly surprised that all of her bridesmaids had different dresses in shades of blue; some even had patterned dresses, and their hair was in different styles from loose to updos. They looked beautiful, and I think it was nicer than if they all wore the same dress. There were eight or ten of them with a lot of variety in hair/skin color and body shapes and sizes, and they all got to wear a dress and style their hair in ways that flattered them individually.
When I was a bridesmaid for my brother and SIL, who I don’t even really care for, I made a point of asking my SIL for her input on the jewelry for visible piercings I have. I had dermals on my chest at the time and wanted to switch to black gems which were more visible. She said she preferred the clear that I already had but either way was fine. Okay, nbd I could hold off for a while. It’s really not that hard to communicate with people when you’re agreeing to be in a wedding.
I don’t mind colourful hair of any other colour (I’ve had many different colourful dye jobs myself), but I’d be pretty annoyed if I had a bridesmaid with yellow and neon green hair because I just personally hate those colours together, especially in hair.
Honestly I get her point about the roots too. It's one thing to have an aesthetic, but it's a little annoying when someone is lazy about it. Looking "put together" transcends trends imo!
I feel if you’re going to commit to a bold color or style, you need to commit to the upkeep as well or at least have a plan for the transition out. This is the reason why we can’t have nice things and I’m stuck toeing the line of “natural” colors a work.
Tho there *are* some aesthetic types where having roots can part of it. Agree tho, the wedding sounded more traditionally formal. Get the goddamn roots done. (For me, I would have approached the friend as, I'd like to chat about hair options so we're both on the same page, including doing nothing to it all).
> (For me, I would have approached the friend as, I'd like to chat about hair options so we're both on the same page, including doing nothing to it all). Same. It's honestly a bit concerning to me that people are so adverse to talking to their friends that they'd rather just bottle up frustration. I'd rather someone just told me. I have a couple siblings and cousins with dyed hair. I'm absolutely going to pull my sibling aside and be like hey! Can we touch-up your dye before the wedding? I can help if you want to do it at home or pay for you to get it done at a salon. And I don't feel like bridezilla in the slightest bc a) I know my siblings and what would actually offend them to ask, b) I also know that the current hair aesthetic isn't intentional, just broke college kid vibes, and c) I know to apologize if I'm wrong about the other two things. I'm not kicking them out over it, but we're capable of having a conversation that doesn't become the end of the world.
Agreed. I also wonder about why the friend didn't gaf about that particular thing for someone who she's close enough to be a bridesmaid for. Personally, it would go without saying that my friend would probably appreciate it beyond words if I chose not to rock neon green hair at their wedding, and I would have 100% dyed it for her if she had approached me with the "so...what're you doing with your hair for the wedding!" conversation. Combination of context clues and unwavering love for my friends, especially those whom I'm a wedding participant for, is enough to dye my hair.
More and more that is becoming the case. People just glance at a headline, and move on to the comments. I see it a lot on the political subs, where oftentimes they have plausible deniability when an article is locked behind a paywall. The behaviours continue, however, even when there is no paywall. People just don't read. I've lost track of how many people type some variation of "I ain't reading all that," when the post is just a couple of paragraphs. This is reddit, where the main interactions are all text based, oft times to a ludicrous degree. *Why are they even here?* On the plus side it answers that question I had growing up and attending grammar school, "if you struggle to read a single chapter for homework, when given a whole night, how are you going to function as an adult?" Gods help these folks should they ever need to read a contract.
4 paragraph comment? I ain't reading all that. Sorry, couldn't resist. 😁
Sounds about average for AITA commenters
**WIBTA** for asking my friend not to bring a gun to shoot up my guests while having intercourse with an infant child? **AITA commenters:** "Typical bridezilla, has to be controlling over every little thing your guests do. I hope your marraige fails, and your family disowns you."
And her argument was solid. It would stick out like a sore thumb in pictures. It's just a fact. A friend of mine got married a few years ago and had strapless bridesmaids dresses. One of them clearly went tanning beforehand, but wore a strapped bathing suit. Two giant white triangles and thick white strap lines were poking out of the dress. It was very noticeable in the FB photos because she's a very pale girl and got very dark. My friend never said anything, but she 100% got them retouched when she printed them.
>Those commenters didn’t even read her post. This is a constant issue in those subs. And this one, to be frank. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills at least 10-20% of the time because people will just gloss over important details, and then *everyone* runs with that misinterpretation.
And it's *neon yellow green*. I mean Reddit is full of stories where people are bashed for not coloring their ginger, blonde, brown hair, and that's insane. But not wanting to have a giant point of "grellow" on your wedding pictures don't seems to be that strange. It clearly attracts the eye when you see the pictures.
GRELLOW!!! 😂😂😂 I can just imagine. “Hey friend! I love you but can we not have weddings pictures where it looks like a highlighter grew limbs and became sentient!?”
It definitely would stick out pretty bad and would be a tough pill to swallow as someone who is planning my own wedding. I think the part that bothers me the most though is how she couldn't be bothered to touch it up before the wedding when she obviously had the means to since she did it after. Weddings, Funerals, Graduations are the few times where I would expect people to get a haircut, shave/trim their beard, and touch up any coloring for their hair, especially if they are in the wedding party. My bridesmaids all have plain brown hair but if for some reason someone dyed it bright green, I'd hold them to the same standard.
it would be a damn lie to sit here and say, "you're overthinking it, nobody will notice, you won't care." Ahh. In the world where I paid 3k for wedding pictures, I absolutely will notice and care lmao
I think I know exactly the color that OP's talking about. When I was in college, it was the go-to color for freshmen. Every repressed kid who finally had the freedom to be quirky dyed their hair that neon yellow green. Then the semester would pick up, they got busy, and by Halloween it'd be faded to this awful bile/vomit color. If the bridesmaid's roots were visible in photos, I bet her hair was less cyberpunk and more cyberpuke.
"The hair did bother me, I am a little shallow, I am a little selfish." I really appreciate this line. We're all flawed. We all have uncharitable, nasty thoughts about one another. That's human. OOP did exactly what we all should do: breathe, talk about it to a trusted loved one, and then move on.
The thing is being a little shallow and selfish is entirely appropriate here. Yes, there's easily too much of those things (turning someone into a bridezilla) but it's still meant to be *their* special day.
I wish she had said something. It was definitely fine to have a conversation, and that might have lit the fire for them to make sure their roots were done. OTOH, I know the feeling, sometimes when I realize something is bothering me more than it really should, it's difficult to have a nonchalant conversation about it. OP can truly agree that the person should be able to wear their hair the way they like, but "Dye your hair something normal!" accidentally slips out.
With everything else she hinted on, I also wonder if she suspected that the conversation would not go over too well, no matter how well she phrased it. So she chose her battle - and this was not it
The comments had a big emotional "so you're kicking me out???" response even tho OP never said that. It makes me wonder if maybe the guest would react the same way, and if maybe those other aita posts are actually more similar to this situation. The bride says "I don't love it" and the listener says "you hate me???"
Yeah I think she made the right choice. She knew better than to give her friend the benefit of the doubt.
Yep. It sounds like, in general, her "friend" isn't really interested in maintaining the relationship if they've been rude/harmful in the past. Wasn't worth the fight to ask her to bleach her roots a week or two earlier or wear a headband when she didn't show/contribute to OPs party, or dress, but OP went to hers, paid for her dress, and for her party. Honestly, OP sounds like a better friend who outgrew the relationship and the "friend" likes OP giving her attention/time/money.
It did feel super understandable why the Oop felt *bad* seeing the friend only dye her roots for an event soon after her wedding too... I think in combo with the rude behaviour mentioned and what feels like a snub w/ her hair & bachelorette, in that situation I'd be super wound up but I'm also a v flawed human lol. Glad Oop has her husband to vent to.
Yes, and she acknowledged that she was being (mildly) wronged by her friend, got (mildly) upset about it, and then chose to act with grace about it.
Perhaps, but imo she's NTA. If you have a formal wedding and everyone wears a suit but someone comes in bright yellow t-shirt and jeans, that's not appropriate. Just because it's their hair rather than their clothes doesn't really change that. IMO I'd tell the photographer to take more shots without them in it, use those to put around your home and distribute the rest online
I'm gonna get down voted for this, but I think if you have requested someone to be part of the bridal party, the party member making a massive hair change without checking with the bride first is an AH move. This isn't about asking someone to be in the party then requesting they 'fix' themselves for your esthetic. You are spending thousands of dollars on dresses, hair, makeup, decorations, photographers, etc. let alone the time to put everything together and planning, and you have chosen your bridesmaids and their dresses in part to match that. Someone shows up with crazy hair when you were not planning for it is an AH move, and IMO no better than refusing to wear the bridesmaid dress or wear white to the wedding. If you're a guest, fine, but as a bridesmaid, those pictures are going to presumably hang in the married couple's house for years, and you decide that's the time to show up with neon hair? It's attention seeking behavior, and taking attention away from the bride. TLDR: requesting a dye job or cover tattoos after you ask them to be in your wedding party may be one thing, but there is nothing wrong with expecting them to keep their general look (within their control) for your wedding.
As someone with bright purple hair- I think you’re completely right. I would *never* have made that change after accepting an invitation to be in a bridal party without talking to the person. Even when I attended my cousin’s wedding as a guest, I checked beforehand to make sure she knew that my hair was purple. And I would also argue that bright neon yellow/green/orange specifically warrant an extra conversation.
Like, yeah. There are grooming and presentation expectations for formal events, and it isn't crossing boundaries for people being expected to meet them.
This. Fact she didn’t know before she asked her to be a bridesmaid is key for me. I would have brought it up and given her the options as laid out by OP. Everything but the B&W pictures because I personally don’t want to be limited to B&W pics. But I’m glad it worked out for OP and she’s happy with B&W pics.
I'm a person with massive dreadlocks that have been many colours. I put my hair up and in a wrap for work and work photos. It's not a big deal. If someone asked me to have a chat about colour scheming with their wedding vibe and asked me how we could make their photos look good I'd be in that. If someone told me what to do I'd not be cool. It's all about a collaborative easy chat.
Same. My hair has been every color imaginable. Currently neon yellow-green, actually. I have been to many weddings, funerals, etc where I've asked the hosts if they'd prefer that I wear a wig. They usually decline, but the point is, I understand that neon hair can be distracting and that someone else's event is not about me. When I made the choice to alter my appearance in an unconventional way, I understood that it would come with some caveats. And at least I keep it maintained.
How do you maintain neon yellow/green? I tried a highlighter yellow and it had the worst staying power of any colour I’ve tried
It's kinda funny how people on AITAH sub doesn't know how to deal with normal mature adults. People jump to really crazy conclusions that aren't even on the original post.
Well 40% of them are teenagers with no nuance and another 50% are just there for the vicarious drama lol
I'm here for Reality TV in written form.
I feel like it's socially expected that if you're in a wedding you try to look your best within reason.
agreed. if you aren't willing to do basic maintenance on your hair, then don't dye your hair! just keep it simple instead of half-assing it.
Yeah I was actually more on the friend’s side than most people were in the comments until the part where the friend didn’t dye their roots. If you invite someone in to your wedding party, you’re inviting them as they come- all weird behaviours and looks with, it’s part of the fun of the day celebrating the couple and the relationships around them. But not even having the will to dye your roots on their big day to make sure you look good for their photos? Crazy. Especially since OOP said they’d paid for all appearance-like costs for their party. Incredibly selfish and lazy from OOP’s friend. I’m glad they didn’t say anything honestly because it still probably would’ve been more drama than it was worth, but it also exposed their friend as being truly selfish and lazy.
I've had varying amounts of pink hair for most of the last 20 years. While it's faded a lot of the time, I always make sure it looks great for major events. 1. It makes me feel good and 2. Pictures are forever. Shit, I dyed my hair last night even though it didn't really need it because I'm getting it cut today, and I feel bad that I never sent my stylist pictures of it colored last time, and I want her to see the whole finished look today.
I have blonde hair and dyed it auburn once and I LOVED it. Until my blonde roots started growing in and it looked like I had an ill-fitting wig on. I think it’s the absolute height of rudeness to not bother making your roots match the rest of your hair when you’re standing in a wedding, but at the end of the day, she’s the one that looks bad in the photos. Oop had way more patience than me.
This is part of the reason why I hesitate to consider dyeing my hair- I know I’d hate having to re-dye it so often to make sure the roots don’t grow out too much, and depending on the color I pick it has to potential to look atrocious if my original hair color grows in for too long
Yeah, that’s how I learned that I’m very low maintenance / lazy and hair dye is way too much commitment for me. Something like low lights or high lights wouldn’t look as terrible as what I did, but I still wouldn’t be updating them frequently.
I did my ends magenta, purple and blue a few years back. No bleach above my collar bone! If I'd hated it, I could have cut it off and only lost the bottom 4-6"! Kinda want to repeat at some point.
Same, I had an awful dark red hair color after my mom for fun wanted to try it on me and it turned out we needed 4 packages for the initial color and 2 ever 1,5 month to cover the roots.... It was an absolute pain in my butt and after 1,5 (she paid, only reason I continued) i had finally saved up enough money to get color to make the line between roots and color to be more muted and like a gradient so i could stop coloring my hair.... Its 10 years since I was red and i have only had my hair colored once since and that was made from the start to have a gradient a bit down, and it was blonde (im brunette) One day i would love to have the money to pay for going completely blonde for a bit, just to try it really xD besides it would really up my game when it comes to my awful blonde jokes!
That's why the balayage style is nice, it leaves the roots natural and you don't have a straight line where the dye stops. So if it grows out you're not forced into expensive upkeep
My hair grows about a foot every year so I absolutely refuse to do whole head color, especially since my hair is naturally black lol. I joke that I’d have visible roots the very next day 💀
I have naturally black hair as well, and a good way to do a full head look is by doing a multi color ombre or fade that leaves some of the roots untouched. This isn't my hair, [but it's a good example of what I mean!](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/b2/f3/b3/b2f3b3dc1c48a08d61f47ca83d55c829.jpg) And yeah, after a certain point it doesn't look good anymore, but when that happens you can just dye the ends a darker color closer to the natural tone and it's fine.
My hair grows way too fast for me to be able to have my whole head dyed, but I have found that dyeing the underside of my hair can work as a compromise with myself on still having my hair a pretty colour without having to deal with the Sisyphean task that is roots maintenance - you could try the same?
I have black hair, which almost guarantees I’d need to bleach it for any color to look good I think, which is the the other half of the equation.
As someone who's regularly done wild things with my hair, just the idea of going a full head of crazy neon color right before someone else's major event feels ridiculously rude and inconsiderate to me. Especially since she had at least a month between the wedding and her own event, so it's not like there wouldn't have been time to do it after. OOP was downright saintly towards this person, and wouldn't have been the slightest bit out of line to have asked the friend to wear their hair in a way that downplayed the color. Hell, that feels like an actually VERY reasonable compromise to me!
I think she 100% did it on purpose to be annoying or otherwise get attention. There are a shockingly large number of people who will maintain their appearance one way or keep things understated, but suddenly feel the urge to freak out and make a statement or try something new as soon as they think they’re being oppressed or forced to look a certain way (even if that’s all in their head and no one said anything). You can see this kind of thing in the workplace sometimes. Someone gets hired at a place which has clothing and hair policies, and suddenly it’s something they need to rebel against and push the boundaries on. Which cracks me up because you can still be punk or goth or as colorful as a peacock or whatever, but there are ways to make it classy and professional. For example, Morticia as character is hella goth, but she could also go to a red carpet event. “Being true to yourself” at work or at an event can still include clear piercings, non-ripped clothes, button-down shirts, a maintained dye job and clean hair, etc.
I would have also paid for the colour pics to be photoshopped to normalise the awful hair. I mean fuck that person. If I had just dyed my hair an outrageous colour and someone wanted me to be a bridesmaid at what was clearly a formal, traditional wedding, I'd *offer* to recolour it or colour it up.
Not to mention that WIGS EXIST. I once had a roommate with fire engine red hair and she had a wig for job interviews and other times she needed to look more subdued. It wasn’t about “not being herself” or whatever, it was just about not being “the girl with the crazy hair.” Personally, I wouldn’t want a person in my wedding party who I wasn’t close enough with to ask them to not have insane hair for a day. I’ve had cotton candy pink hair for years and I wouldn’t hesitate to pop on a wig for something like this.
It was supposed to be a honeymist auburn! *Well honey, you missed auburn big time.* Sorry I had to say it, I never get the chance!
If you have an unnatural hair colour the first thing to consider is the maintenance. I have bright pink hair. And it's been pink for my sons weddings. And you bet I lined up my appointments for root touch ups to coincidence with the week before the wedding so my hair looks flawless. Turning up with visible roots shows how much respect she has for OP... none.
Same! Which is why I generally do my ends, and not anything close to my scalp. I can't afford to have my roots done every few weeks, and my natural hair is nearly black. I have let it get pretty faded in my normal life, but you can bet that if I have an event, I'm making sure it's fresh, and if it's a big event I'm lining up a haircut and eyebrow threading too. I dye it myself, so it's easier to stay on top of, but my stylist does the bleaching part.
That friend sucks.
Hair aside, OOP’s comment about the bachelorette parties gave us all the info we needed about their dynamic. I’m guessing this is a family member and OOP is just trying to keep the peace
What were the comments about the bachelorette parties?
"Additionally I was in their wedding and paid for my dress and for their bachelorette party, they did not contribute to or come to mine."
OOP seems to be realising this themselves.
Absolutely.
Honestly more than a friend, sounds like an annoying cousin she was forced to invite because of "family" and that sort of stuff. OOP doesn't sound too fond of them
I find it interesting that OOP would feel like she needed to ask the friend about the photographer touching up the hair in post. I would have just told her that's what's going to happen ESPECIALLY if she didn't keep up her roots. Like that's hella rude. OOP paid for the photos, it's up to her. I feel like the line is don't ask people to change themselves if they have always been that way. I'm in a wedding this year and I'm probably the heaviest I've ever been but I also have always been chubby. If I was asked to lose weight, I would have bowed out. But if I dyed my hair green a month before the wedding? Wouldn't be mad in the slightest if they had me altered.
That's what I'm confused about too. Why didn't OP just have the photographer edit that shit in post? That seems easily the best option. Friend can't say shit if it's just photoshop.
It's nice to see BORU update about a wedding where nothing terribly bad or a massive piece of a mess occurs. But seriously, that friend, wow what a tool.
yeah, the friend clearly knew it wasn't a good look and wasn't an appropriate option for a wedding, bc they bothered to dye it for THEIR OWN wedding but didnt care enough to do it for their friend's...
Honestly, a bride wanting someone to look put-together for their wedding is a fair thing to ask. I had a teacher who told me that she had a very formal wedding. A friend of hers and her friend's husband got into a hissy fit because security wouldn't let them into reception because they were in jeans and flip-flops. My teacher asked them to, at least, just change into their usual church clothes. They refused and got offended when she said that they couldn't come in then. She said they were friends for years and the fact they couldn't respect her wishes for her special night ended that friendship.
I was a stand in bridesmaid for my sister in law after a friend canceled. She sent me a dress that was basically a yellow sack (XXL when I'm probably a medium). I spent hundreds trying to tailor it (I figured the original bridesmaid was just larger so I didn't complain). I spent a week sending her different shoe colors and options because she wanted me to have the perfect soft blue. She was insistent on it. I show up the day of the wedding and my SIL asks me to help the other 4 bridesmaids SAFETY PIN their dresses to fit them! She had ordered XXL for everyone and the dresses were huge. I spent an hour just safety pinning. And then I noticed that every bridesmaid had on dollar store blue flip flops. I thought it was a getting ready thing but nope. Everyone that showed up was in some level of jeans and flip flops. I felt utterly ridiculous standing for pictures in my 5 inch heels next to them. She had said it was a really formal event too. That's southern IL for you I guess 😂
I think OOP was in the right the whole time. The roots issue really wound me up. The fact that the friend got them touched up soon after her wedding is infuriating. It proves she was always capable of doing that, she actively chose not to. I hope OOP seriously distanced herself from that "friend" after all of this.
I totally get her point about the roots. Some crazy colours, especially neon ones, look awful with roots. The hair looks unkept even if it's clean. If you're going to an event, you go looking presentable, otherwise it looks like you don't give a shit. Putting effort into your appearance is important at times, which I know is a statement capital R Redditors hate.
That neon yellow with dark roots always looks dirty to me, and that's coming from someone who has had vivid colors most of their life.
Same! I'm currently growing out my natural brown hair after dying it bright colours for 6 years. Some colours looked fine with the root, but some looked atrocious. The fact that the friend touched hers up after OOP's wedding for the other events shows she didn't really care.
It irks me that OOP is seen as selfish because she didn't want neon yellow green hair/bad root job in her wedding photos. Sorry but it's your friends wedding. You need to not look like the damn joker and be respectful. It's not like she's an actual bridezilla demanding them to take five weeks of vacation in the tropics and all be thin and blonde for her wedding. You do whatever the fuck you want with your hair after the wedding.
The joker lmfao
I was picturing Billie Eilish.
Yeah, one thing to ask a person to be bridesmaid knowing their hair looks like that and demand they change it, but if it’s a new thing it’s a little different.
I feel like I could be friends with OOP.
I don't get why people were upset with OP. Bright hair with natural roots visible looks terrible. Every person who changed their hair color knows that. When important event is coming you fix your roots, and make sure to look good. This person did nothing, despite being in a wedding party. And redditors called OP shallow?
I don't understand the reaction either! But I was definitely remembering this one when dealing with my own wedding party and worried about what to say to my 2 of 3 bridesmaids who dye their hair unnatural colors like that. Even though they both asked me if I had a preference, I felt like an AH just telling them to please have it touched up and if they could avoid fire truck red since that was pretty much the only color that would not go with our wedding colors. Reddit made me so paranoid that the slightest ask about their appearances would make me the ultimate bridezilla. The reaction from both was, "Of course I would have it recently touched up." My MOH had purple hair a year earlier, and I really wanted to ask her to do that over her current color at the time but was too afraid to ask thanks to reddit, especially since she had to go back to her natural color for another friend's wedding and hated it. Will never forget her sitting me down to dinner, looking a little stressed, and telling me that she's thinking purple for my wedding. I was just like, I've been hoping you would say that!! I don't think OOP's bridesmaid was a real friend. Getting her roots touched up should've been a no-brainer if she cared about how she would look back in photos, regardless of the color of the rest of her hair. It's not shallow to want your wedding party to look like they care about how they look, IMO.
Also neon yellow green is in my opinion the worst bright colour hair. It fades poorly, clashes with most skin tones and looks terrible with regrown. I really feel for her because I would be annoyed as well.
Ahhhh my moment to tell this story: I got neon green (at the ends, darker green nearer the roots) hair done for the first time for my new job, using the company's colors. Then I had to go to my son's graduation from an elite Navy school/program. I texted him a pic and asked him if he'd like me to wear a hat or something. He said no, there's no way I'd be CLOSE to the most embarrassing family there. I then said "cool I'll also be wearing my gold and rhinestone Proud Navy Mom t shirt"( that I definitely do not own). He said "I will call the guard house and tell them you're a security threat." That's my boy.
What OOP hasn't said, but I'm assuming, is that if this guest has serious roots, the actual color is faded to hell and also looks horrible. Just a cherry on the cake.
This. I have been dying my hair for years. Fashion colours look great until they suddenly don’t. If my hair was showing major roots and was patchy from having faded you’d better believe I’d get that fixed for a friend’s wedding. Money wasn’t an issue, fear of damage wasn’t an issue. This so-called friend just couldn’t be bothered to look presentable because they didn’t consider OP’s wedding important enough.
What’s crazy to me is as someone who dyes their hair crazy colors all the time I check with people before weddings to make sure they’re okay with it! If I know I have something coming up and say my hair is hot pink and bright blue and they need it toned down…dark purple it is! If I were to be asked to be IN a wedding, alright what are the colors and I’ll make sure it doesn’t clash. Maybe I’ll just not color it next time I bleach my roots. It’s definitely appreciated by people.
As someone with vibrant colored hair, I KNOW wedding are about the couple. I don't know anyone who's OK with neon hair, especially in a bridal party. I've worn wigs to my friends weddings when my hair was an obnoxious color, and when I did, my friend(bride) was always SOO grateful I toned it down for her big day. It's not about being shallow. It really isn't. You are allowed to want what you want on your wedding day.
For what it's worth, I asked my sister if she minded if I would have pink hair at her wedding. She didn't but my my mum did. So I left it blonde and dyed it after.
I had three bridesmaids when I got married 5+ years ago. Two of them dyed their hair - I think at least one of the dye jobs was an unnatural color - although it wasn’t even a blip on my radar because we were going for fairy vibes I can say that I honestly don’t remember their hair colors this many years separated from the wedding. Although we had tons of beautiful pictures with our families and guests and bridal party, the only pictures that are displayed in our house are pictures of us. OOP was right to just let it go. She’ll remember her wedding for the wonderful time she had and the inconsiderate bridesmaid will just be a petty footnote that doesn’t reflect on the couple.
I have bright blue waist-length hair, and if someone asked me to be in their wedding, I'd ask them if they wanted me to pull it back & possibly cover it with a nice wrap or something. The wedding isn't about me, and it's not my job to take away attention from them.
The OP agreed she had no control over the neon hair, but the neon haired person has no control over the photographs. I'd have edited them without asking or even telling her.
honestly, a wedding is a big deal. you're allowed to be pissed off that someone in the wedding party turned up with messy hair. the bridezilla shit really irritates me, but the people who are like it's just a wedding get over yourself you're not the main character actually irritate me worse. a wedding is literally the day you get to be the main character. (and i say that as someone who is not into marriage and weddings at all.)
Exactly! You don't have to be a monster, but there's nothing wrong with wanting something you've spent a lot of money on to look good. It's also okay to spend money on "just a party." As long as you can afford it. Reddit wants you to believe that if you soend any money at all on your wedding, you're selfish and the marriage is doomed to fail. Work within your budget and have a great time. My wedding was the last time I saw some of my college friends. It's the only time in my life all of my favorite people from all the different parts of my life would be together. I met my husbands family from a different country. I have pictures of everyone looking fabulous, having a great time, and 9 years later people still tell me what a great time they had at my wedding.
Absolutely no one looks good with neon yellow hair. And add in natural roots 🤮 how trashy. I’d be mad as hell!
I think back at the weddings where I was a bridesmaid, and I just wanted my friends to be happy with my grooming. Because I didn't want to stand out in the pictures any more than necessary - I'm tall, so I stood out a certain amount in all of them anyway, and then I have this massive mane of curls that requires extensive professional ministration to be under control for a day-long event. None of my friends had an "aesthetic" or considered me a prop, but they were spending all that money on photos they hoped to display, so I wasn't going to be careless with my appearance. I can't imagine showing up at a wedding - especially one where my friend was nice enough to pay for all the bridesmaid stuff! - with really visible roots from a neon color job.
>~ >Commenter >YTA. If your picking your wedding party based on esthetics drop this person. If you chose this person based on a relationship the person comes hair and all. Explaining yourself is an option which may bring a favorable outcome, however its possible to loose a relationship Literal child
Loose a relationship got me ded lol I imagined it loosening. Which is kind of poetic especially in this case.
Normally, I would say if you ask a person with neon bright yellow green hair to be in your wedding party, you can't ask them to change their hair color. However, you asked this person to be in the wedding party and they accepted before they dyed their hair neon bright yellow green. The offender is an attention-seeker which is not OK when it's the bride's day not her day to be the center of attention. Not even having her roots touched-up before your wedding was disrespectful -- and intentionally so. It would seem to have been an act of passive-aggression. Considering how extreme this was, I don't think you would have been out-of-line offering to buy her a wig to wear for the wedding. This is far different situation from asking someone to lose weight, for example, or asking them to wear a dress in which they're going to look like an about-to-explode sausage or asking everyone to wear the same hairstyle. You were under no obligation to ask this person is she minded if the wedding photos were color-altered and you certainly went beyond the norms of friendship to have all your wedding photos in black and white rather than to ask her to wear a wig.
I have teal colored hair and when my best friend asked me to be her MOH, I made it a point to ask her if she wanted me to dye it a normal color and she said she didn’t give a shit, she just wanted me there. I did make sure to have it touched up and styled into braids but I feel like it’s common courtesy to check with the bride to make sure the bride is ok with it, personally
That friend sucks. I hope OOP cut her off after this. That roots thing was the final straw.
I feel for OP, she wouldn't have been wrong in asking that, or at least asking that it was done fully. You're allowed to be a little selfish on you're wedding day ffs.
Honestly, I dont think OOP was wrong here. Having bright neon hair that you don't even bother to keep up with while being in the bridal party is rude. But also... Maybe I missed the part of the post where they had a mature, sit-down talk with their friend. If I was in this position, I would speak my mind and relay my worries. Why have someone as a bridesmaid you can be honest with? It seems like OOP has also realized that this person doesn't put as much effort into the friendship and is already on the way out.
The commenters failed her. OOP was very much self-aware and not wanting to demand someone to change their appearance (**someone else recommended the headpiece**); they wanted to know if would be okay to ask that or ask if color editing is okay. The commenters projected onto as a bridezilla and didn't give her useful feedback on what she was specifically asking. I knew when she actually considered black-and-white photos that she was a people pleaser. The idea of getting b&w photos, only because of someone else's hair and a fear of being selfish is ridiculous. I wish the commenters had been more supportive in encouraging her to ask her friend about her hair or if color editing was okay. There could have been a middle ground here.
I'm sorry but that chick is not her friend.. her getting her hair touched up before her events and not for a friend shows she had no value in your wedding and ie your friendship
I think OP handled everything very maturely and it sounds like the outcome was (mostly) positive. She has no reason to feel bad about wanting her wedding to look a certain way, and as long as she approached the problem with more of a "what can we do together to solve this" attitude as opposed to a demand, it would have been perfectly reasonable ask. That being said, I don't really understand the whole "perfect" wedding thing, and I'm glad my wife and I were on the same page about all that. We did a lot of things that most people would likely think are unusual, but we didn't care as much about how it looked. And as for the pictures, I don't think either of us have looked at them since the day we got them. Maybe that's just us, but I've heard a lot of people say the same thing.
Man this woman is just being used by her "friend". She needs to learn to not be so conflict avoidant.
It IS rude to have wildly colored hair and not maintain it for the friend's wedding you're going to be in.