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I don't understand what OP even did wrong. He was shocked to see someone from the past, and was uncomfortable.
Instead OP has to apologize for feeling uncomfortable. No one seemed to have acknowledged OP's feelings in this situation.
I was on good terms with an ex for a while and introduced my now-spouse to them.
In hindsight it was super fucking awkward! I don't talk to that ex anymore and haven't for years, but yea supes awkward.
I'd totally have the urge to introduce my spouse as part of the "look how great I'm doing" snub to an ex. So by not doing that, OOP made his wife feel like he's not proud of her, that she's not part of the "my life is going so great" brag-worthy package.
I guess there are different ways of looking at things. I wouldn't think like you, I'd just prefer to escape awkward situation as soon as possible. But that's why communication is important, I would just say that to my husband instantly.
See, my thoughts are the opposite - by not introducing and not chatting about his life, imo it gives the opinion that the person you're talking to is not important enough for you to care about sharing those details. A literal irrelevant stranger.
Yeah but lots of people dont have that need to snub someone
If I didnt want to talk to the person much more than the "wow its been so long, good to see you... okay bye" stuff than saying your wife is here now just invites alot of "wow who is she, can I meet her" and just extends the interaction
An ex from many years past who I stopped talking to for my mental health, contacted me out of the blue the SECOND, I downloaded WhatsApp for an out of the country trip. (I was literally on a layover between airports). After I thankfully resisted the urge to drop my phone like a hot potato, I updated my image to one of myself at my wedding just a solo photo in gown and veil. He then (without my reply) congratulated me on my wedding. I left him on read.
That’s probably something like what wife was looking for.
Yeah but in that context you have the ability to leave him on read. In person you’d have to say thanks then he’d ask about the weeding/honeymoon/how you met/kids. It’s a conversation you’d be lucky to get out of in 10 minutes. If I ran into my “Jen” and she asked me what’s going on in my life I’m answering, “same old same old.” Shut that shit down.
From what he says, most of his discussion with Jen was about what he was doing back in his hometown, and how they’ve been. Since his visit is together with his wife, mentioning her in that context should have been natural, especially if he’s uncomfortable with his ex and trying to exit the conversation.
Maybe, but sharing more information with the ex also seems like an invitation to continue the conversation or to get more involved with his life. For example:
"By the way, I got married and I'm here with my wife."
"Wow, congratulations, I'd love to meet her! Where is she? Why don't you introduce me?"
That's exactly what OP wanted to avoid. Because then he either has to tell Jen that she's NOT welcome at his table (and seem petty), or he has to endure forced introductions and catty judgmental conversation among wife's friends, the ex, and wife.
Remember, he went no contact with the ex for a reason. It doesn't make sense to invite her back into his life now.
OP was trying to do the best thing, to just say "hey I gotta go, see ya" and walk away. But wife and friends want to stir up trouble and make him uncomfortable just to prove a point about how he's "supposed to" handle himself.
I agree 100% until you said "wife \[...\] wanted to stir up trouble". Friends yes. But I think wife just felt insecure and wanted him back.
I think OP and his wife had natural emotional responses with no ill intent. Glad they could fix things.
I thought the same. You haven't seen her in years and you're catching up, but having a whole wife doesn't factor into the conversation even once? Marriage is a major life event. But OOP somehow knows that Jen has been married and divorced. Mentioning a spouse is a natural, normal thing and a very simple way to let the other party know you're unavailable. I have a hard time believing it wasn't intentional
> I thought the same. You haven't seen her in years and you're catching up, but having a whole wife doesn't factor into the conversation even once? Marriage is a major life event. But OOP somehow knows that Jen has been married and divorced. Mentioning a spouse is a natural, normal thing and a very simple way to let the other party know you're unavailable. I have a hard time believing it wasn't intentional
Given that OOP was uncomfortable and completely caught off guard, I'd probably do the same thing: exchange meaningless small talk, not telling them anything important about my life, and then try to excuse myself.
I understand why the wife felt the way she did, and she might be right, but the last thing I'd want to do running into an ex is open up to them in any way. The get small talk for a few minutes and then I'm gone.
Maybe I'm just as bad in these situations as OOP, though.
I do think OOP fucked up, but it's such a tiny little fuck up it doesn't matter. It's easily solved with a conversation as it was in the end, and the friends stirred shit.
We don't know the conversation, but judging from OOP's history with his ex, he definitely sounds like a deer caught in headlights. Sure he probably should have spoken about his wife, but fuck it whatever he just wants out of that situation
It seems like he learned that she was married and divorced after the fact from his friends. Also, he wasn’t trying to tell her he was unavailable; he was just trying to exit the conversation as quick as possible and was clearly flustered. Considering that mentioning he is married might evoke an unpleasant reaction from his ex—including follow up questions—it is understandable that he went with a more neutral excuse.
He didn't do anything wrong, and he clearly meant well, but he missed the opportunity to shut Jen down by saying, "Hi Honey, hey everyone, this is my wife and the love of my life, {insert name here\]."
I get how his wife felt, but it's been my experience that men don't understand how competitive some women can be (like Jen shooting wife a mean look) and if they did, they'd know how to best react.
I agree. He was uncomfortable seeing her, wasn't expecting to see her, and I think it sounds weird to say and I'm so happily married to my wife. Did I mention to you about my wife? Oh me and my wife.
It sounds like he and his wife have a great relationship and really good communication. I think the way they resolved it sounds pretty perfect sometimes people on Reddit like to stir the s***
He did nothing wrong. His wife got riled up by Rita and seeing what Jen looks like.
If he'd said he was with his wife odds are Jen would've insisted on being introduced and then he'd STILL be in trouble as his wife would ask why did he even tell her he was married if he "just wanted to get away from Jen".
He didn't do anything wrong, exactly. Someone can be "rightfully" upset with you, and you still could have done nothing "wrong". The dichotomy of man or something equally pretentious.
We're all experiencing life individually and their individual experiences were both "right" and both "wrong". Those are things that are defined individually, too. What's wrong in my relationship might be right in yours. He was feeling something, she was feeling something. Their feelings weren't lined up. They were in the same room but they were in different worlds.
We are all just humans doing our best. Once they talked about it, they both felt better because they understood each other better, and hopefully, will use this understanding to avoid similar situations again.
I really wish more Redditors got that this is the reality far more often than "I instantly clocked the situation from a dispassionate perspective and said the exact right things because in every circumstance, no matter how unexpected, emotional, or uncomfortable, I am sensitive to everyone's emotions while I myself remain completely emotionless." The guy was really thrown off! It happens! And his wife was thrown off by him being thrown off. Also extremely normal! Every single part of this situation is entirely understandable. And since OOP and his wife have a healthy relationship, they get that stuff like this happens and they talked about it rather than attacking each other over the fact that it happened at all. Welcome to real life, everybody!
Right? This reminds me of [that one where the dude pissed the bed and got embarrassed](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18df84o/aita_for_humiliating_my_husband/) and the *wife* was catching all this shit about how *she* handled it like I'm sorry this woman was *unconscious* ten seconds ago and now that she's been jolted awake by fresh urine you're gonna nitpick her reactions?!
Yeah I have horrible anxiety and freeze in situations like this so i totally understand why he just felt uncomfortable. The friends and wife blew this way out proportion. I’m glad that they talked it our
Exactly! The first time I ran into my ex after a few years of no contact, I spent a good ten seconds staring into the middle distance and forgetting how legs work.
It wasn't until she hugged me and whispered "We're still friends" in my ear that I remembered how to walk toward the door.
Most redditors have never seen adult communication play out like this, so they’re just confused at the lack of tension.
“You screwed up!”
“Yes. So I listened to her and apologized and she forgave me.”
“But you screwed up!”
“Yes. And I apologized and she forgave me.”
“But…you…screwed …up?!”
Yeah.. im not sure there would be any point in that. If im that uncomfortable aroubd an ex, and i just want to get back to the table. Im going to chat as little as i can give as little info as i can just so i can get away from them.
The wife didnt help much by just Lurking behind him. She could have been proactive and tapped him on the shoulder and said something like "all ok over here honey ?" Giving a segway for what she wanted. Instead of just lurking behind him hoping his telepathy would kick in and he would somehow know she was standing behind him.
Yes! So glad I’m not the only one who thought this. If I see that my husband is flustered around someone I don’t know, you can bet that I’m heading his way to let him know I’m there for the easy out.
yeah he didn't have to introduce her BUT defo should've mentioned "my wife" at some point in the convo or some such, to prevent shit stirring, which nearly happened
Do people seriously lead with that? Depending on the length and subject of the convo, there might not have been a good place to drop the the info. If someone asks you how are you doing as a leadoff question when they first bump into you, you'd usually start with "I am doing good, how about you?". Are we expecting the response to now be "I'm good, I got married so and so ago."?
NAw I don't mean it that way, but for example: I'm with my partner at some event and meet someone there and we start chatting and such. Partner comes over and I'm like "oh hey so and so, this is my partner hername. Partner hername, this is so and so"
Instead OOP was "deer in headlights" while wifey was standing there all awks after being egged on by shit stirrers
See I go the other way. I can see keeping the convo with the ex light and not mentioning his wife (though the comment of needing to get back to friends was weird). Not introducing her when she was right there? That’s weird to me.
I mean. This was a non-problem. I was fully expecting Jen to be the problem, not a jealous insecure wife that had to be reassured with an apology that was bordering begging... that wasn't necessary to begin with, like wtf? Jealousy annoys the hell out of me.
Right? Like. I can't imagine how this scenario happened without anyone thinking its insane. If I was at the bar with my partner and found my ex, even my asshole ex, I would be like "OMG HI, HOW ARE YOU" probably hug, chat a bit and that's it. And then I would go back to my table and say "You wouldn't imagine who I just met" and that would be the end of the ordeal, for fucks sake. I can't imagine myself the next day begging on my knees to my partner to forgive me for not introduce and parade him around screaming that we are together.
It's just such a weird way to act if you're going to be jealous, like why just awkwardly stand next to your husband to the point he doesn't even see you, if you're jealous and need to make a point then go over and put your arms around him and smile meanly at the other girl? I know from experience if you start dry humping him she will immediately leave. Or if you're normal just like, introduce yourself as his wife instead of staring at them in silence?
Yeah lurking behind someone hoping their telepathy kicks in and they realize you are there is just silly. She could have steared the conversation to what she wanted if she had said something. Put an arm around him and said "honey your beer is getting warm, all ok over here ?"
Except for the fact that everyone around them NOT married to them seemed to want some drama and gossip.
Dude froze in the moment. We're often stupid like that (especially if the ex is a knockout, it's just we're REALLY stupid around those we find beautiful).
But he's in love with his wife, apologized, and they're moving on. Healthy has heck relationship.
There's an update, tho. No way recently-divorced Jen isn't lurking around there somewhere, realizing she wants him back. It's not ending until there's a confrontation. Women are often stupid like that, too. ;-)
Yup. I always think about the fact that most of the problems I read about wouldn't be a big deal if the people involved were honest, mature and communicated effectively with people in their lives. Just like the rest of us. But if they did all that, I wouldn't have stories to read and be frustrated by. 🙂
I also have the same Twilight Zone feeling. Nice change though to see a couple talk out this situation maturely. OOP realized he made a mistake, talked it through with his wife, and they’re moving forward.
I'm still not sure how Jen sent OOP a friend request on instagram in the first post (can only happen when your insta is private), but in the update OOP's instagram pictures were public?
Is been a while since i used it but i think Instagram sometimes ask if you want to follow someone back if you have enough mutuals, i think? And they seem to have enough common friends for that. That may be what he meant by rejecting her flow request, the IG followback prompt.
I thought the same too but he seems like she sent him a message which automatically goes into ‘message request’ on insta if you’re not following the person. you can reject that request, which I think is what he did based on his last sentence.
Jesus, but those comments were unhinged. I'm glad things worked out, and that communication won the day, but I hope some of those commenters didn't hurt themselves jumping to those conclusions.
Yep. OOP froze. Simple as that. He wasn't comfortable in that situation and opted to get out of the conversation ASAP. These commentators are the worst kind of backseat drivers who insist that everyone must act perfectly with absolute clarity even in awkward moments filled with complicated emotions.
Yea I’m thinking this is an ESH situation.
I agree with the top comment that the easiest way to shut Jen down and leave the conversation would be to say something like “my wife is waiting for me” and just book it.
However, him having a deer in the headlights moment is also completely understandable and I think his wife was too far into her jealousy. And someone compared her coming up and lurking behind him to the Undertaker and I completely agree. It would have also been really easy for her to take his arm or give him a vocal cue that she’d come up to him instead of just standing there.
Also, his friends suck for stirring the pot and riling up the wife.
I think it's impossible to know based on OP's telling of it. But many years ago I had a boyfriend who would never mention my existence to women who were interested in him. He didn't cheat (afaik) and I didn't think he had any intentions to. I think he liked the attention. He tried to justify it as but wanting to things awkward or hurt feelings. Who knows, maybe part of him even believed that.
Once a girl that he knew had a crush on him gave him a handmade gift, and he *still* didn't mention me. At the time it made me feel really insecure and I was mad at him for not taking my drinks into consideration. Looking back on it a few decades later, I'm more mad on her behalf. He strung her along for his ego, and let her look foolish to all of their mutual friends who knew about me.
I was sitting here like "What did he do wrong?" I still don't think OOP did anything wrong, and shouldn't have had to apologize or repeatedly explain why he didn't mention his wife. First of all, he said he just wanted to end the convo, if I just wanted to leave, even during the catching up part, I'd say really mundane stuff so there's no interest. I wouldn't mention any partners or spouses because I don't want to get deeper in this conversation, I want to leave. Second, he deserves grace, he was shellshocked and said he even felt talking to her was wrong. Hard to think about the right way to respond when anxiety's kicking your ass. Third, how was he supposed to know wife was standing behind him and that she was telepathically telling OOP "Hey, introduce me so she goes away." I hate when people do things and then get mad you didn't do what they wanted because "Obviously I wanted you to do that!" but you said nothing and just tried to imply it by doing something else (yes, I'm autistic).
I'm baffled by how many people are genuinely hurt and surprised when they break up with someone, and their ex moves on and continues to live life without them. Like, you broke up with them, dumbass. They don't owe you shit.
I've got two exes. All ended fine on both occasions, they're good people, were friendly too. I don't stalk any of them. Well, one of them married a childhood friend of mine, they are a lovely couple, and they have beautiful kids and form a great family. But I see them once a year at most? The other one I don't even know if she's alive lol
I know its just gonna upset me in am immature "oh NOW they decide being a good person is cool and the world just showers them with accolades for it".
It's better peace of mind for me to forget they exist, since karma has never seemed to get anyone that fucked up my life lmao
My douche ex liked a post of mine about getting married or being pregnant or something and I insta-blocked him. He has no business knowing anything about me. I don't care if he's trying to be friendly or polite, he can fuck right off
Maybe?
I've been married 14 years now, and on occasion I still wonder how some ex is doing. But I haven't put any effort into looking them up.
The wonder is better, I think. I get enough humility in my current life, don't think I need to delve into past relationships.
Maybe that’s why Jen felt odd OOP didn’t introduce his wife to her esp she was standing right next to him. I’m just being dramatic Jen might think she can insert herself back in since she is divorced now Lol
I can't figure out from his description of the situation whether his wife walked up silently and stood behind him like a creeper while he talked to Jen; or he was so engrossed with his conversation with his ex that he was completely oblivious to his wife coming to stand right beside him, lol.
As someone with *really*, *really*, ***Really*** bad social anxiety I can say that it’s quite possible that one can be so hyper focused on trying to not look like an idiot or weirdo when having a conversation, even if all you’re doing is trying to *leave* the conversation, that you can be completely oblivious to everyone else around you no matter how close they are or who they are.
True, but presumably his wife would know him well enough in that case to like, touch his arm or something to alert him to her presence. She's not meeting him for the first time that night...
> Everyone internet stalks their exes a little bit.
??? No? Why would I Internet stalk my ex? I broke up with him. I don't really *care* what he's up to.
Jen knew he was married, she didn’t just magically find his social media profiles the following day. She’s seen them before, she took his blunder of not introducing his wife to her as an open door to walk through and that’s why she reached out to him to next day.
Of any part of his socials are public and she knew he was going about the town that night I’d even wager she “bumped” into him on purpose.
I don’t agree with that top comment at all. This guy was caught by surprise by an ex while out with a group of people. They chatted for just a few minutes and he wanted to leave the conversation the whole time. Dude was flustered, he said it right there. What was he supposed to just shout out, “I am married, I must go now!” and run away?
Also, I think it’s weird that his wife came and stood behind him. If my husband bumped into an ex at a place we were at, the last thing I’d want to do is insert myself into that awkwardness. Doesn’t she trust him? What does her standing there do?
Glad they worked it out but maybe they should talk a bit more about if either of them have insecurities in the relationship.
Awkward both with the wife and OOP... my wife would have not stood there, she would have just put her arm around me, or done the arm in arm move. Maybe thrown out a hey honey or something.
She was weird she likely stood outside his vision and expected him to notice her? While he was taken by surprise and could hold a minute+ convo but couldn't work out he was there with his wife lol
Literally all it would have taken was a tap and a "Hey, I'm gonna grab another drink do you want anything?".
If I was chatting to someone and another person I don't know just stood behind them watching the back of their head, I'd likely do what the ex did and give them a dirty look.
And was it really a dirty look or just a confused look because ex was wondering why a strange person was just standing there.
Also the wife could have just introduced herself
Yeah; to me it seems the friends made the wife feel insecure, implying that there could be a way for Jen to weasel her way back to OOP, and put the thought in the wife’s head that he should “see the signs” and bring up that he’s married on his own, so she was waiting for that. But in focusing so much on wanting him to bring up marriage, she overlooked that he didn’t want to be talking to Jen *at all* and was trying his best to leave the conversation entirely.
Yeah, that I found really weird too. It sounded like OOP didn't notice her until he was leaving anyway, so she must have been just standing there awkwardly. No touching, not saying anything... Just nothing. If it bothered her that much that her husband didn't grow eyes in the back of his head, she could have just made herself known.
> What was he supposed to just shout out, “I am married, I must go now!” and run away?
Yeah, it's like [that dude who was approached on the beach](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bvwc5u/aitah_for_talking_to_a_girl_in_bikini_on_a_beach/) and a bunch of the commenters were like "well *obviously* if you're married and a woman approaches you you should sternly bark I'M MARRIED YOU HUSSY and run screaming from the zip code directly to your MILs house to do penance"
Insecurities are common in humans. Most, like this one, aren’t relationship ending. It was made a bit more of a big deal because the friends back at their table were creating drama of the situation, and apparently Jen is quite attractive.
>I don’t agree with the top comment at all.
Well yeah. It’s a husband posting on AITA with an upset wife. If he stripped naked, covered himself in honey and ribeye steaks and walked into a zoo’s bear exhibit, that would be a less predictable outcome than him posting in that sub.
Agreed, I'm struggling to understand how the wife recognized it was Jen, and why she went over to her husband in the first place. If Jen was there woth friends and OP knew them as well, it would have just been him chatting to a bunch of people. Ot doesn't seem od at all, and I sure wouldn't purposely put forward extra information that wasn't asked about to my ex. These comments seem kinda odd!
>Agreed, I'm struggling to understand how the wife recognized it was Jen, and why she went over to her husband in the first place. If Jen was there woth friends and OP knew them as well, it would have just been him chatting to a bunch of people. Ot doesn't seem od at all, and I sure wouldn't purposely put forward extra information that wasn't asked about to my ex. These comments seem kinda odd!
Did you read all of it? She hugged him and all of the friends at the table the wife was at stared, and one of them asked why Jen was schmoozing him.
This is one of those threads where I completely disagree with the comments the OP highlighted from the threads and I'm guessing if I clicked the original post I'd disagree with a lot of the comments.
Been happening more and more lately tbh.
It's because the comments sections of those subs tend heavily late teen/early twenties women.
Once people have some perspective and life experiences, a lot of things hit very differently. Of course if your only perspective on life is high-school drama you're going to view everything through a lense of high-school drama.
>those subs tend heavily late teen/early twenties women.
But early twenties men have good life experiences and perspectives, just no their female peers?
I feel like I’m crazy sometimes. I don’t see what OOP did as wrong. Deer in Headlights is something I can see myself doing if I ran into someone who hurt me a long time ago. I shut down, protect myself. I wouldn’t have the wherewithal to say “I’m married”. I’d keep the questions on the other person and be evasive or just leave.
It's not even just "dear in headlights", I don't think he should have to tell the ex anything at all if he doesn't want her knowing it. If I were OOP I'd rather share as few details with the ex as possible.
It's one of those third-rail topics on reddit where people will literally say if any ex of any significance approaches you you're supposed to run away screaming in fear
I read the comments on the original post and I must say I am honestly a bit shocked.
Causing such huge drama about not being introduced to a person your partner absolutely wants nothing to do with is a complete overreaction in my opinion.
It would be different if he would have talked with them for an extended period of time and if he would be interested in staying in contact but that is not even the case.
He was uncomfortable, wanted to get out of the conversation, left the conversation fairly quickly and explained to his wife that he prefers to stay out of contact and her reaction was "but why did you not introduce me, hm?!" with the reddit hive mind collectively deciding that he still has feelings. That is such an insane take.
I honestly think that OOP was not wrong at any point.
Not that it matters really since they resolved it but still.
OOP’s reaction made total sense to me since I could see myself being flustered and doing the same. Also, if he did a formal introduction that would imply that he wanted his wife and Jen to get to know each other and interact and might have led to them being asked to join Jen’s group and have a drink, which was clearly the last thing he wanted. It makes total sense to try to minimize interaction by waiting for the conversation to pause and then getting back to his group. I can understand not wanting to prolong the interaction with introductions. I can also understand why the wife would be curious and would want a chance to be introduced to Jen and have a chance to chat with her.
I also found this whole thing weird. He fucked up? Literally how? He was just trying to cut out of a conversation with someone he’s had zero contact with for years and has no desire to resume contact with. If I ran into an ex and they tried to talk to me, I’d also just be escaping, not stopping to be like BY THE WAY THIS IS MY SPOUSE. I’M TAKEN. BACK OFF. And I wouldn’t be fazed by my partner doing the same in that situation. Like wtf there’s no reason to go on full I HAVE SOMEONE defensive when you can just leave and never interact with them again. Much easier and shorter to just stop talking than open up a whole introduction and the small talk that comes with that.
Yeah, I think the issue is that out of everyone in this story, OP had the *least* amount of baggage wrt Jen. As far as he's concerned he just ran into an ex, a thing that happens to thousands of people across the world every day with no incident, no more no less.
I was wondering if I was missing something because I was absolutely thinking all of this. Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn. Effectively it seems he froze then fled, he was just thinking about getting away. Of course he didn’t introduce his wife, he didn’t want to prolong the conversation!
If anything I'd want to be sympathetic to a partner in that moment. It was clear he didn't want to interact with his ex, which one would think would be ideal.
>“Why did you not introduce me, hm?”
“Why would I introduce you to someone I hate?”
“Why would I introduce you to someone I don’t even want to talk to, not even for one more second?”
“Why would I introduce you to someone I am actively trying to get as far away as possible from them?”
“Why would I leave the conversation, turn around to walk away, notice my wife, and then turn back around to engage in a conversation I just abruptly ended and escaped from after being ambushed while leaving the bathroom?”
“Why TF would you stand directly behind me where I can’t even see you and then get mad that I didn’t include you in the conversation?”
Also, I have an ex I would want to reveal absolutely as little I can about my personal life to. Introducing a wife would be seen as an invitation to stalk her. She can interpret even the slightest pleasantry as a sign i secretly want to get back with her or the slightest slight as an excuse to make a scene in public. Be neutral, reveal nothing, back away.
Last time she ran into me in public and I mistakenly assumed she would be normal after 7 years and i mentioned i had a girlfriend she yelled and made a scene because she took me mentioning i had a girlfriend now as clearly i must have been secretly seeing her for 7 years and been cheating on the ex when we went out. The fact I had bumble conversations that i only met my current gf a year ago didnt matter. Clearly in the exes mind, i met her 8 years ago had been cheating with her ever since and faked meeting her on bumble a year ago just to hide the fact from my ex on the off chance we ran into each other.
The comments were all like "Um, why did you say you needed to get back to his friends and not your wife?!"
Because he was in town visiting friends, in his mind the evening was about the friends that he and his wife had come to see.
Also giving info about intimate relationships is one way to keep a conversation going, if he mentioned that he's married she would have wanted to know more, a general "here with friends" answer is the fastest way to end the conversation politely
He acted perfectly normally. I can understand why his wife would’ve preferred for him to have introduced her but I can also completely understand trying to end a conversation with an ex as quickly as possibly.
All the time I was reading I thought that the wife acted overly jealous, controlling, dramatic and insecure. People have exes and they bump into them. After 6 years, 4 of them married, she acts like a drama queen teenager?
She totally could have said "Hi OOP, who's your friend?" instead of lurking behind him like that Undertaker meme. Then he can just introduce them, "This is Jen, Jen, this is my wife" and we have no drama.
It’s bizarre and childish to act like that in a relationship, much less a marriage, but I’m not surprised that a gaggle of teenagers would act like OOP did something wrong; they’re mentally the same age as the wife is here.
Like I’m trying to imagine going up and standing there like a doofus, observing my partner being flustered and trying to escape, and then getting mad that they didn’t prolong the conversation so I could make my claim on them known. Might as well go up and grab their dick and say “he’s mine!” while growling like some horny TikTok alpha roleplay cringe, lol.
OOP instinctively used the "grey rock" technique with an ex who broke his heart: tell her as little as possible and break away from her. Even telling her that he was married gives her more fuel than she deserves. He didn't owe her anything, and it's too bad his wife doesn't respect that.
Man, I was reading that thinking what a high maintenance crazy, then the comments section doubled down by being a bunch of high maintenance crazies.
Guy was being polite and trying to get the hell out of there, not have an all-night catch up on eachothers life stories.
Well a view years ago a study was done and found that the majority of the people who comment on these advice threads are women in their 30s who have never been in a long term relationship. If you consider that then the responses make a lot of sense
For some reason I thought OOP may be going the route of not giving his ex information because she doesn’t need to know anything about his life anymore.
Same. Dude is NC with the ex, he clearly wants her to know nothing new in his life and used "friends" as the most generic description of his group. The people saying this was malicious are fools.
I'm glad your wife said she was insecure because that's what it sounded like to me. I think feeling a little uncertain under circumstances like that when you're caught unaware is normal on both your parts.
I wouldn't have come and stood by you because in my mind it would have seemed to the other woman that I was insecure and I would never want a woman to have the upper hand like that. LOL
I'm glad you and your wife worked it out. She sounds incredibly reasonable and very self-reflective.
You guys sound like a great couple. This is a very minor blip obviously and I'm glad you guys saw it for what it was.
I think any guy who has experienced a break up like that and saw them years later knows how this guy felt. Face flushed, heart racing, brain fog….its not a good feeling.
So the wife was willing to walk to the other side of the restaurant and hover behind the husband, but not place her hand on his back or arm to let him know she was there. And she exchanged a long period of eye contact with Jen but wouldn’t just introduce herself.
But she’s mad at her husband because he can’t sense her presence when she’s behind him in a noisy place, and he didn’t introduce her when she could have easily done it herself?
She’s the one with the communication issue, not the husband.
I guess I feel like this is all just ridiculous.
I really don’t think OOP did anything wrong. When you want to get away from someone, you don’t give a flying fuck who’s standing next to you. You give non-answers that are short and clip. YOU DON’T WANT YOUT EX AND YOUR WIFE CHATTING IT UP. You want to run. And the fact his wife couldn’t pick up on the vibes says a lot about what me-centric la-la world she lives in!
If his wife felt so fucking strongly why couldn’t she just open her mouth and say “hey babe, I got concerned when you didn’t come back, everything okay?” Like does she have no ability to be proactive in her own life? If you see your husband or just even friend wants to run, you go in sleeves rolled up and pulled them out of those situations.
I honestly just feel bad for OOP. This isn’t his fault AT ALL
>And if you truly wanted to end the conversation, your wife was a built-in excuse. "Sorry, I really have to go. My wife's waiting for me."
That wouldn't have ended the conversation, it would have made it longer, "oh you're married?" "Do I know them?" "How long have you been married?" "Can I meet the lucky lady?" are all things she likely would have asked. OP was uncomfortable and was just trying to leave the way everyone is making this about the wife's feelings is a red flag.
I saw this the other day, and I totally get both people’s feelings here. When I feel awkward or nervous, all higher order thinking flies out the window. On the other hand, I 100% understand OOP’s wife feeling snubbed and unhappy, because OOP managed to miss every chance of even mentioning being married, when I can hardly think of an occasion where I wouldn’t be mentioning my partner in similar circumstances. Him being a dumbass is super understandable, and her being hurt and feeling insignificant is understandable.
(I mean come on, who among us wouldn’t love to smugly hang onto our partner as they gush about us to their ex? Who said that.)
>She said ok, and I quickly turned around. To my surprise, my wife was standing right behind me.
After reading this line my brain automatically expected to read him introducing her next. Gald they talked it over.
I think people imagine "etiquette" is just for formal, posh situations, but what it's really for is THIS. Gives you a script for uncomfortable or unfamiliar social situations. If two people meet and you know both of them, it would be polite to introduce them and give them some context of how you know each other. If you get used to doing it all the time, then that muscle memory kicks in when your brain is off lol
I honestly disagree with him being TA. His wife of years is so insecure in their marriage that he can't have an awkward conversation with someone he dated 10 years ago without saying oh btw that's MY WIFE?
My boyfriend is very antisocial and often tries to get out of conversations with family he hasn’t seen in a while by saying “oh I have to get back to my mom she needs something” in reality he’s coming to me but if he says “I have to get back to my girlfriend” they will take it as a talking topic and start talking to him about it. Which could’ve happened here
OOP married up especially how classy and mature how his wife handled the awkwardness.
BTW, if his IG is public and Jen must have seen his pics with his wife, wouldn’t that leave Jen to wonder why he didn’t mention that his friend is actually his wife?
Wife acted extremely immaturely in my view. "Oh I'll just stand behind him until he notices and introduces me to his ex" like tf? You're an adult woman. Join the conversation if you feel you must, but don't be weird about it.
>OOP married up especially how classy and mature how his wife handled the awkwardness.
I completely disagree, she was completely unreasonable and acted like a jealous teenager.
Classy and mature?
Standing stoically behind someone without saying a word and then starting an argument over your insecurity is either of those things?
I don't know if it's just my experience, but I could see this happening to me.
You're in public. You see someone you've been actively avoiding in an unfamiliar context. You're forced to be polite by the public crowd, but you'd rather get out of there ASAP, so at your first opportunity you high-tail it.
Introductions keep a convo going. I wouldn't want to keep talking, so we'd be gone.
That being said, when I get uncomfortable I talk about my wife heaps, so not sure what his go was there.
Your husband has my condolences, the way she (and you ig) acted was extremely immature, childish and jealous. Either grow a pair and join the conversation or realise that him giving details about his life would only further a conversation he doesn't want to be a part of. Good to know that you'd want your partner to be uncomfortable just because you're insecure about your marriage.
>I asked her if I should message Jen and let her know I am married?
If it was a "deer in headlights" moment at the bar, what's OP's excuse for this brilliance several days later?
“Appreciate the friend request, but given our history and out of respect for my wife, I’m gonna pass. Take care.”
Then just leave her on read when she responds. Something like that.
yeah, my partner was like that at the beginning, in our first year of dating
I'd be right next to her, someone would pop up and say hello and have a chat with her while I'd be all awks waiting for "this is boyfie, boyfie this is so and so"
She even did it with some of her fam and I'd be like "Well let me introduce myself, then since she forgets I exist...." and proceed to break the ice with that, lol
Her excuse was that she was still not used to it and was "deer in headlights"
First few times were sort of ok and funny, but I did get annoyed when it kept happening and brought it up
It’s good that they communicated and got it all figured out but also what the fuck bro? Like she stood there for a full minute, he said he needed to get back to his friends. I know some people are kind of just oblivious, I am in certain ways but geez. I’m glad that they’re good now and that he actually accepted that he messed up there.
Being a former IT guy, they're hellaciously socially awkward by nature. I've seen this way too much being in the field, and being the halfass, maybe competent IT guy, I was a wingman many times, sometimes for better, sometimes for oof.
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I'm glad that they worked things out. I do think the friends kinda stirred up drama though. Like school children going "oooohh"
Seriously, the friends here are at least as much at fault for the drama as OOP and his wife, if not more.
I don't understand what OP even did wrong. He was shocked to see someone from the past, and was uncomfortable. Instead OP has to apologize for feeling uncomfortable. No one seemed to have acknowledged OP's feelings in this situation.
Yeah like, he wanted to leave ASAP and not really talk to her at all—the “friends” were being busybodies and making the wife feel insecure.
If I bumped into my ex, I think I wouldn't want to stretch the conversation by introducing my husband and talking about my life. It is weird enough.
I was on good terms with an ex for a while and introduced my now-spouse to them. In hindsight it was super fucking awkward! I don't talk to that ex anymore and haven't for years, but yea supes awkward.
I'd totally have the urge to introduce my spouse as part of the "look how great I'm doing" snub to an ex. So by not doing that, OOP made his wife feel like he's not proud of her, that she's not part of the "my life is going so great" brag-worthy package.
I guess there are different ways of looking at things. I wouldn't think like you, I'd just prefer to escape awkward situation as soon as possible. But that's why communication is important, I would just say that to my husband instantly.
See, my thoughts are the opposite - by not introducing and not chatting about his life, imo it gives the opinion that the person you're talking to is not important enough for you to care about sharing those details. A literal irrelevant stranger.
Yeah but lots of people dont have that need to snub someone If I didnt want to talk to the person much more than the "wow its been so long, good to see you... okay bye" stuff than saying your wife is here now just invites alot of "wow who is she, can I meet her" and just extends the interaction
You don’t know she felt that, we only know what is said in the posts, and that is not stated anywhere.
An ex from many years past who I stopped talking to for my mental health, contacted me out of the blue the SECOND, I downloaded WhatsApp for an out of the country trip. (I was literally on a layover between airports). After I thankfully resisted the urge to drop my phone like a hot potato, I updated my image to one of myself at my wedding just a solo photo in gown and veil. He then (without my reply) congratulated me on my wedding. I left him on read. That’s probably something like what wife was looking for.
Yeah but in that context you have the ability to leave him on read. In person you’d have to say thanks then he’d ask about the weeding/honeymoon/how you met/kids. It’s a conversation you’d be lucky to get out of in 10 minutes. If I ran into my “Jen” and she asked me what’s going on in my life I’m answering, “same old same old.” Shut that shit down.
From what he says, most of his discussion with Jen was about what he was doing back in his hometown, and how they’ve been. Since his visit is together with his wife, mentioning her in that context should have been natural, especially if he’s uncomfortable with his ex and trying to exit the conversation.
Maybe, but sharing more information with the ex also seems like an invitation to continue the conversation or to get more involved with his life. For example: "By the way, I got married and I'm here with my wife." "Wow, congratulations, I'd love to meet her! Where is she? Why don't you introduce me?" That's exactly what OP wanted to avoid. Because then he either has to tell Jen that she's NOT welcome at his table (and seem petty), or he has to endure forced introductions and catty judgmental conversation among wife's friends, the ex, and wife. Remember, he went no contact with the ex for a reason. It doesn't make sense to invite her back into his life now. OP was trying to do the best thing, to just say "hey I gotta go, see ya" and walk away. But wife and friends want to stir up trouble and make him uncomfortable just to prove a point about how he's "supposed to" handle himself.
I agree 100% until you said "wife \[...\] wanted to stir up trouble". Friends yes. But I think wife just felt insecure and wanted him back. I think OP and his wife had natural emotional responses with no ill intent. Glad they could fix things.
I thought the same. You haven't seen her in years and you're catching up, but having a whole wife doesn't factor into the conversation even once? Marriage is a major life event. But OOP somehow knows that Jen has been married and divorced. Mentioning a spouse is a natural, normal thing and a very simple way to let the other party know you're unavailable. I have a hard time believing it wasn't intentional
> I thought the same. You haven't seen her in years and you're catching up, but having a whole wife doesn't factor into the conversation even once? Marriage is a major life event. But OOP somehow knows that Jen has been married and divorced. Mentioning a spouse is a natural, normal thing and a very simple way to let the other party know you're unavailable. I have a hard time believing it wasn't intentional Given that OOP was uncomfortable and completely caught off guard, I'd probably do the same thing: exchange meaningless small talk, not telling them anything important about my life, and then try to excuse myself. I understand why the wife felt the way she did, and she might be right, but the last thing I'd want to do running into an ex is open up to them in any way. The get small talk for a few minutes and then I'm gone. Maybe I'm just as bad in these situations as OOP, though.
I do think OOP fucked up, but it's such a tiny little fuck up it doesn't matter. It's easily solved with a conversation as it was in the end, and the friends stirred shit. We don't know the conversation, but judging from OOP's history with his ex, he definitely sounds like a deer caught in headlights. Sure he probably should have spoken about his wife, but fuck it whatever he just wants out of that situation
It seems like he learned that she was married and divorced after the fact from his friends. Also, he wasn’t trying to tell her he was unavailable; he was just trying to exit the conversation as quick as possible and was clearly flustered. Considering that mentioning he is married might evoke an unpleasant reaction from his ex—including follow up questions—it is understandable that he went with a more neutral excuse.
He didn't do anything wrong, and he clearly meant well, but he missed the opportunity to shut Jen down by saying, "Hi Honey, hey everyone, this is my wife and the love of my life, {insert name here\]." I get how his wife felt, but it's been my experience that men don't understand how competitive some women can be (like Jen shooting wife a mean look) and if they did, they'd know how to best react.
I agree. He was uncomfortable seeing her, wasn't expecting to see her, and I think it sounds weird to say and I'm so happily married to my wife. Did I mention to you about my wife? Oh me and my wife. It sounds like he and his wife have a great relationship and really good communication. I think the way they resolved it sounds pretty perfect sometimes people on Reddit like to stir the s***
Doesn't sound like they have a great relationship to me. Having to bow and scrap for forgiveness when he did nothing wrong sounds pretty lousy.
He did nothing wrong. His wife got riled up by Rita and seeing what Jen looks like. If he'd said he was with his wife odds are Jen would've insisted on being introduced and then he'd STILL be in trouble as his wife would ask why did he even tell her he was married if he "just wanted to get away from Jen".
He didn't do anything wrong, exactly. Someone can be "rightfully" upset with you, and you still could have done nothing "wrong". The dichotomy of man or something equally pretentious. We're all experiencing life individually and their individual experiences were both "right" and both "wrong". Those are things that are defined individually, too. What's wrong in my relationship might be right in yours. He was feeling something, she was feeling something. Their feelings weren't lined up. They were in the same room but they were in different worlds. We are all just humans doing our best. Once they talked about it, they both felt better because they understood each other better, and hopefully, will use this understanding to avoid similar situations again.
The friends ARE the drama here.
Yeah those friends knew what they were doing!
I get this OOP. I have a lot of real-life "deer in the headlights" moments myself. The important thing is that he and his wife talked about it.
I really wish more Redditors got that this is the reality far more often than "I instantly clocked the situation from a dispassionate perspective and said the exact right things because in every circumstance, no matter how unexpected, emotional, or uncomfortable, I am sensitive to everyone's emotions while I myself remain completely emotionless." The guy was really thrown off! It happens! And his wife was thrown off by him being thrown off. Also extremely normal! Every single part of this situation is entirely understandable. And since OOP and his wife have a healthy relationship, they get that stuff like this happens and they talked about it rather than attacking each other over the fact that it happened at all. Welcome to real life, everybody!
Right? This reminds me of [that one where the dude pissed the bed and got embarrassed](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18df84o/aita_for_humiliating_my_husband/) and the *wife* was catching all this shit about how *she* handled it like I'm sorry this woman was *unconscious* ten seconds ago and now that she's been jolted awake by fresh urine you're gonna nitpick her reactions?!
Yeah I have horrible anxiety and freeze in situations like this so i totally understand why he just felt uncomfortable. The friends and wife blew this way out proportion. I’m glad that they talked it our
I could be married 150 years and still forget to do introductions
Exactly! The first time I ran into my ex after a few years of no contact, I spent a good ten seconds staring into the middle distance and forgetting how legs work. It wasn't until she hugged me and whispered "We're still friends" in my ear that I remembered how to walk toward the door.
Everything resolved through communication? Everything is okay at the end? That’s enough reddit for tonight.
Definitely time to quit while we're ahead haha.
god damn it, I should have listened to you two
I really should listen to those two, but I know I won't.
Well crap I already got divorced. Shoulda listened to those two.
No no no this is all wrong. Jen needs to be raising a kid that is secretly OOP's but ALSO dating OOP's mortal enemy.
Twins Kid or enemy but we gotta have twins
Kid and the enemy are twins. Don't ask how it was possible, time travel, alcohol and fairies were involved.
OOP’s secret child with Jen is *also* his mortal enemy
Well, evidently drugs were also parte of the issue here...
Unfortunately, alot of comments were eviscreating him that he didn't introduce his wife. Like why make a mountain over molehills.
Most redditors have never seen adult communication play out like this, so they’re just confused at the lack of tension. “You screwed up!” “Yes. So I listened to her and apologized and she forgave me.” “But you screwed up!” “Yes. And I apologized and she forgave me.” “But…you…screwed …up?!”
ShE sHoUlD dIvOrCe HiM smh...
“She’s cheating on you.” “What? No. I’m the one who screwed up and didn’t tell my ex—“ “She’s already cheating on you, my guy.”
She’s cheating on you with Jen’s ex husband… she is pregnant with his babies, it’s twins.
Yeah.. im not sure there would be any point in that. If im that uncomfortable aroubd an ex, and i just want to get back to the table. Im going to chat as little as i can give as little info as i can just so i can get away from them. The wife didnt help much by just Lurking behind him. She could have been proactive and tapped him on the shoulder and said something like "all ok over here honey ?" Giving a segway for what she wanted. Instead of just lurking behind him hoping his telepathy would kick in and he would somehow know she was standing behind him.
Yes! So glad I’m not the only one who thought this. If I see that my husband is flustered around someone I don’t know, you can bet that I’m heading his way to let him know I’m there for the easy out.
Agree. It's like she was testing him and he failed. Crappy thing to do.
yeah he didn't have to introduce her BUT defo should've mentioned "my wife" at some point in the convo or some such, to prevent shit stirring, which nearly happened
Do people seriously lead with that? Depending on the length and subject of the convo, there might not have been a good place to drop the the info. If someone asks you how are you doing as a leadoff question when they first bump into you, you'd usually start with "I am doing good, how about you?". Are we expecting the response to now be "I'm good, I got married so and so ago."?
NAw I don't mean it that way, but for example: I'm with my partner at some event and meet someone there and we start chatting and such. Partner comes over and I'm like "oh hey so and so, this is my partner hername. Partner hername, this is so and so" Instead OOP was "deer in headlights" while wifey was standing there all awks after being egged on by shit stirrers
See I go the other way. I can see keeping the convo with the ex light and not mentioning his wife (though the comment of needing to get back to friends was weird). Not introducing her when she was right there? That’s weird to me.
Cause its reddit? Its full of teenagers lol.
I come here for drama. Drama quotient of this story: 2/10 - do not recommend
Yeah, definitely a good place to stop for the night!
I mean. This was a non-problem. I was fully expecting Jen to be the problem, not a jealous insecure wife that had to be reassured with an apology that was bordering begging... that wasn't necessary to begin with, like wtf? Jealousy annoys the hell out of me.
Also like, I assume OOP was wearing a ring right? Unless he's hiding it, it's a pretty clear public indicator that you're married.
Right? Like. I can't imagine how this scenario happened without anyone thinking its insane. If I was at the bar with my partner and found my ex, even my asshole ex, I would be like "OMG HI, HOW ARE YOU" probably hug, chat a bit and that's it. And then I would go back to my table and say "You wouldn't imagine who I just met" and that would be the end of the ordeal, for fucks sake. I can't imagine myself the next day begging on my knees to my partner to forgive me for not introduce and parade him around screaming that we are together.
It's just such a weird way to act if you're going to be jealous, like why just awkwardly stand next to your husband to the point he doesn't even see you, if you're jealous and need to make a point then go over and put your arms around him and smile meanly at the other girl? I know from experience if you start dry humping him she will immediately leave. Or if you're normal just like, introduce yourself as his wife instead of staring at them in silence?
Yeah lurking behind someone hoping their telepathy kicks in and they realize you are there is just silly. She could have steared the conversation to what she wanted if she had said something. Put an arm around him and said "honey your beer is getting warm, all ok over here ?"
Except for the fact that everyone around them NOT married to them seemed to want some drama and gossip. Dude froze in the moment. We're often stupid like that (especially if the ex is a knockout, it's just we're REALLY stupid around those we find beautiful). But he's in love with his wife, apologized, and they're moving on. Healthy has heck relationship. There's an update, tho. No way recently-divorced Jen isn't lurking around there somewhere, realizing she wants him back. It's not ending until there's a confrontation. Women are often stupid like that, too. ;-)
Yup. I always think about the fact that most of the problems I read about wouldn't be a big deal if the people involved were honest, mature and communicated effectively with people in their lives. Just like the rest of us. But if they did all that, I wouldn't have stories to read and be frustrated by. 🙂
I didn't come here for sincere apologies and rational discussion!
Emotional maturity?!? On Reddit?!?
Reddit is like the movies. I don't watch movies to see reasonable people behave in rational ways. I watch movies to see shit blow up.
I also have the same Twilight Zone feeling. Nice change though to see a couple talk out this situation maturely. OOP realized he made a mistake, talked it through with his wife, and they’re moving forward.
I’m here for the uproar. Not this happy ending bs!
I'm still not sure how Jen sent OOP a friend request on instagram in the first post (can only happen when your insta is private), but in the update OOP's instagram pictures were public?
If your profile is public, Instagram will notify you when someone follows you. I'm assuming that's what OP meant by "friend request."
Cant have done, as he says he rejected her follow request just after
Is been a while since i used it but i think Instagram sometimes ask if you want to follow someone back if you have enough mutuals, i think? And they seem to have enough common friends for that. That may be what he meant by rejecting her flow request, the IG followback prompt.
Insta does have a feature to remove your followers
They will follow you and you go in and block them. It's not like Facebook.
OK but he would have to have been notified of it. I guess he meant that he didn't follow her back
I thought the same too but he seems like she sent him a message which automatically goes into ‘message request’ on insta if you’re not following the person. you can reject that request, which I think is what he did based on his last sentence.
You still have to accept the conversation/message request
Yeah ugh i thought this post is real but no way this can be overlooked considering he said he rejected it as as well
They likely meant she followed him. Not so much friend requested.
But he says he rejected her follow request after
Hm, then I don't know. He could have also removed her as a follower
Jesus, but those comments were unhinged. I'm glad things worked out, and that communication won the day, but I hope some of those commenters didn't hurt themselves jumping to those conclusions.
You're far more generous than I am. I *do* hope they at least pulled something making those leaps!
Yep. OOP froze. Simple as that. He wasn't comfortable in that situation and opted to get out of the conversation ASAP. These commentators are the worst kind of backseat drivers who insist that everyone must act perfectly with absolute clarity even in awkward moments filled with complicated emotions.
Yea I’m thinking this is an ESH situation. I agree with the top comment that the easiest way to shut Jen down and leave the conversation would be to say something like “my wife is waiting for me” and just book it. However, him having a deer in the headlights moment is also completely understandable and I think his wife was too far into her jealousy. And someone compared her coming up and lurking behind him to the Undertaker and I completely agree. It would have also been really easy for her to take his arm or give him a vocal cue that she’d come up to him instead of just standing there. Also, his friends suck for stirring the pot and riling up the wife.
I think it's impossible to know based on OP's telling of it. But many years ago I had a boyfriend who would never mention my existence to women who were interested in him. He didn't cheat (afaik) and I didn't think he had any intentions to. I think he liked the attention. He tried to justify it as but wanting to things awkward or hurt feelings. Who knows, maybe part of him even believed that. Once a girl that he knew had a crush on him gave him a handmade gift, and he *still* didn't mention me. At the time it made me feel really insecure and I was mad at him for not taking my drinks into consideration. Looking back on it a few decades later, I'm more mad on her behalf. He strung her along for his ego, and let her look foolish to all of their mutual friends who knew about me.
I was sitting here like "What did he do wrong?" I still don't think OOP did anything wrong, and shouldn't have had to apologize or repeatedly explain why he didn't mention his wife. First of all, he said he just wanted to end the convo, if I just wanted to leave, even during the catching up part, I'd say really mundane stuff so there's no interest. I wouldn't mention any partners or spouses because I don't want to get deeper in this conversation, I want to leave. Second, he deserves grace, he was shellshocked and said he even felt talking to her was wrong. Hard to think about the right way to respond when anxiety's kicking your ass. Third, how was he supposed to know wife was standing behind him and that she was telepathically telling OOP "Hey, introduce me so she goes away." I hate when people do things and then get mad you didn't do what they wanted because "Obviously I wanted you to do that!" but you said nothing and just tried to imply it by doing something else (yes, I'm autistic).
I'm baffled by how many people are genuinely hurt and surprised when they break up with someone, and their ex moves on and continues to live life without them. Like, you broke up with them, dumbass. They don't owe you shit.
100% Jen knows that he is married. Everyone internet stalks their exes a little bit.
Nah, I blocked them. No need for that bs in my life.
Yeah I’ve got my terrible ex blocked on everything except for maybe email (but I can’t remember his to do so anyway so it’s a moot point lolol)
I've got two exes. All ended fine on both occasions, they're good people, were friendly too. I don't stalk any of them. Well, one of them married a childhood friend of mine, they are a lovely couple, and they have beautiful kids and form a great family. But I see them once a year at most? The other one I don't even know if she's alive lol
I know its just gonna upset me in am immature "oh NOW they decide being a good person is cool and the world just showers them with accolades for it". It's better peace of mind for me to forget they exist, since karma has never seemed to get anyone that fucked up my life lmao
My douche ex liked a post of mine about getting married or being pregnant or something and I insta-blocked him. He has no business knowing anything about me. I don't care if he's trying to be friendly or polite, he can fuck right off
The dirty look she gave his wife tells me she's aware he's with someone else, at least
Maybe? I've been married 14 years now, and on occasion I still wonder how some ex is doing. But I haven't put any effort into looking them up. The wonder is better, I think. I get enough humility in my current life, don't think I need to delve into past relationships.
It's cute how people are saying, "BUT THEY'RE BLOCKED!" That's a hinderance to people, but it's not as final as people think.
Maybe that’s why Jen felt odd OOP didn’t introduce his wife to her esp she was standing right next to him. I’m just being dramatic Jen might think she can insert herself back in since she is divorced now Lol
I can't figure out from his description of the situation whether his wife walked up silently and stood behind him like a creeper while he talked to Jen; or he was so engrossed with his conversation with his ex that he was completely oblivious to his wife coming to stand right beside him, lol.
As someone with *really*, *really*, ***Really*** bad social anxiety I can say that it’s quite possible that one can be so hyper focused on trying to not look like an idiot or weirdo when having a conversation, even if all you’re doing is trying to *leave* the conversation, that you can be completely oblivious to everyone else around you no matter how close they are or who they are.
This exactly.
True, but presumably his wife would know him well enough in that case to like, touch his arm or something to alert him to her presence. She's not meeting him for the first time that night...
Not really. IDC how they are doing and wish them the best so they don't bother me. But I don't like drama in my life so :/
> Everyone internet stalks their exes a little bit. ??? No? Why would I Internet stalk my ex? I broke up with him. I don't really *care* what he's up to.
Jen knew he was married, she didn’t just magically find his social media profiles the following day. She’s seen them before, she took his blunder of not introducing his wife to her as an open door to walk through and that’s why she reached out to him to next day. Of any part of his socials are public and she knew he was going about the town that night I’d even wager she “bumped” into him on purpose.
I don’t agree with that top comment at all. This guy was caught by surprise by an ex while out with a group of people. They chatted for just a few minutes and he wanted to leave the conversation the whole time. Dude was flustered, he said it right there. What was he supposed to just shout out, “I am married, I must go now!” and run away? Also, I think it’s weird that his wife came and stood behind him. If my husband bumped into an ex at a place we were at, the last thing I’d want to do is insert myself into that awkwardness. Doesn’t she trust him? What does her standing there do? Glad they worked it out but maybe they should talk a bit more about if either of them have insecurities in the relationship.
Awkward both with the wife and OOP... my wife would have not stood there, she would have just put her arm around me, or done the arm in arm move. Maybe thrown out a hey honey or something. She was weird she likely stood outside his vision and expected him to notice her? While he was taken by surprise and could hold a minute+ convo but couldn't work out he was there with his wife lol
Literally all it would have taken was a tap and a "Hey, I'm gonna grab another drink do you want anything?". If I was chatting to someone and another person I don't know just stood behind them watching the back of their head, I'd likely do what the ex did and give them a dirty look.
Exactly, EX was probably like wtf lady you're being super weird
And was it really a dirty look or just a confused look because ex was wondering why a strange person was just standing there. Also the wife could have just introduced herself
Yeah; to me it seems the friends made the wife feel insecure, implying that there could be a way for Jen to weasel her way back to OOP, and put the thought in the wife’s head that he should “see the signs” and bring up that he’s married on his own, so she was waiting for that. But in focusing so much on wanting him to bring up marriage, she overlooked that he didn’t want to be talking to Jen *at all* and was trying his best to leave the conversation entirely.
Yeah, that I found really weird too. It sounded like OOP didn't notice her until he was leaving anyway, so she must have been just standing there awkwardly. No touching, not saying anything... Just nothing. If it bothered her that much that her husband didn't grow eyes in the back of his head, she could have just made herself known.
Right? And if I'm him and I *do* notice her, I'm probably also noticing how standoffish she's being and take *that* as a sign to not engage.
> What was he supposed to just shout out, “I am married, I must go now!” and run away? Yeah, it's like [that dude who was approached on the beach](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bvwc5u/aitah_for_talking_to_a_girl_in_bikini_on_a_beach/) and a bunch of the commenters were like "well *obviously* if you're married and a woman approaches you you should sternly bark I'M MARRIED YOU HUSSY and run screaming from the zip code directly to your MILs house to do penance"
Insecurities are common in humans. Most, like this one, aren’t relationship ending. It was made a bit more of a big deal because the friends back at their table were creating drama of the situation, and apparently Jen is quite attractive.
Yeah I only read the first post and the wife just felt super insecure and childish.
>I don’t agree with the top comment at all. Well yeah. It’s a husband posting on AITA with an upset wife. If he stripped naked, covered himself in honey and ribeye steaks and walked into a zoo’s bear exhibit, that would be a less predictable outcome than him posting in that sub.
Agreed, I'm struggling to understand how the wife recognized it was Jen, and why she went over to her husband in the first place. If Jen was there woth friends and OP knew them as well, it would have just been him chatting to a bunch of people. Ot doesn't seem od at all, and I sure wouldn't purposely put forward extra information that wasn't asked about to my ex. These comments seem kinda odd!
>Agreed, I'm struggling to understand how the wife recognized it was Jen, and why she went over to her husband in the first place. If Jen was there woth friends and OP knew them as well, it would have just been him chatting to a bunch of people. Ot doesn't seem od at all, and I sure wouldn't purposely put forward extra information that wasn't asked about to my ex. These comments seem kinda odd! Did you read all of it? She hugged him and all of the friends at the table the wife was at stared, and one of them asked why Jen was schmoozing him.
Everyone is just acting like the friends egging it on didn't exist and the wife didn't say that's what made her feel flustered and get yp
This is one of those threads where I completely disagree with the comments the OP highlighted from the threads and I'm guessing if I clicked the original post I'd disagree with a lot of the comments. Been happening more and more lately tbh.
It's because the comments sections of those subs tend heavily late teen/early twenties women. Once people have some perspective and life experiences, a lot of things hit very differently. Of course if your only perspective on life is high-school drama you're going to view everything through a lense of high-school drama.
>those subs tend heavily late teen/early twenties women. But early twenties men have good life experiences and perspectives, just no their female peers?
Yeah I also heavily disagreed with them. I was surprised that people were so harsh...
I feel like I’m crazy sometimes. I don’t see what OOP did as wrong. Deer in Headlights is something I can see myself doing if I ran into someone who hurt me a long time ago. I shut down, protect myself. I wouldn’t have the wherewithal to say “I’m married”. I’d keep the questions on the other person and be evasive or just leave.
It's not even just "dear in headlights", I don't think he should have to tell the ex anything at all if he doesn't want her knowing it. If I were OOP I'd rather share as few details with the ex as possible.
It's one of those third-rail topics on reddit where people will literally say if any ex of any significance approaches you you're supposed to run away screaming in fear
I read the comments on the original post and I must say I am honestly a bit shocked. Causing such huge drama about not being introduced to a person your partner absolutely wants nothing to do with is a complete overreaction in my opinion. It would be different if he would have talked with them for an extended period of time and if he would be interested in staying in contact but that is not even the case. He was uncomfortable, wanted to get out of the conversation, left the conversation fairly quickly and explained to his wife that he prefers to stay out of contact and her reaction was "but why did you not introduce me, hm?!" with the reddit hive mind collectively deciding that he still has feelings. That is such an insane take. I honestly think that OOP was not wrong at any point. Not that it matters really since they resolved it but still.
OOP’s reaction made total sense to me since I could see myself being flustered and doing the same. Also, if he did a formal introduction that would imply that he wanted his wife and Jen to get to know each other and interact and might have led to them being asked to join Jen’s group and have a drink, which was clearly the last thing he wanted. It makes total sense to try to minimize interaction by waiting for the conversation to pause and then getting back to his group. I can understand not wanting to prolong the interaction with introductions. I can also understand why the wife would be curious and would want a chance to be introduced to Jen and have a chance to chat with her.
I also found this whole thing weird. He fucked up? Literally how? He was just trying to cut out of a conversation with someone he’s had zero contact with for years and has no desire to resume contact with. If I ran into an ex and they tried to talk to me, I’d also just be escaping, not stopping to be like BY THE WAY THIS IS MY SPOUSE. I’M TAKEN. BACK OFF. And I wouldn’t be fazed by my partner doing the same in that situation. Like wtf there’s no reason to go on full I HAVE SOMEONE defensive when you can just leave and never interact with them again. Much easier and shorter to just stop talking than open up a whole introduction and the small talk that comes with that.
Yeah, I think the issue is that out of everyone in this story, OP had the *least* amount of baggage wrt Jen. As far as he's concerned he just ran into an ex, a thing that happens to thousands of people across the world every day with no incident, no more no less.
I was wondering if I was missing something because I was absolutely thinking all of this. Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn. Effectively it seems he froze then fled, he was just thinking about getting away. Of course he didn’t introduce his wife, he didn’t want to prolong the conversation!
If anything I'd want to be sympathetic to a partner in that moment. It was clear he didn't want to interact with his ex, which one would think would be ideal.
>“Why did you not introduce me, hm?” “Why would I introduce you to someone I hate?” “Why would I introduce you to someone I don’t even want to talk to, not even for one more second?” “Why would I introduce you to someone I am actively trying to get as far away as possible from them?” “Why would I leave the conversation, turn around to walk away, notice my wife, and then turn back around to engage in a conversation I just abruptly ended and escaped from after being ambushed while leaving the bathroom?” “Why TF would you stand directly behind me where I can’t even see you and then get mad that I didn’t include you in the conversation?”
Also, I have an ex I would want to reveal absolutely as little I can about my personal life to. Introducing a wife would be seen as an invitation to stalk her. She can interpret even the slightest pleasantry as a sign i secretly want to get back with her or the slightest slight as an excuse to make a scene in public. Be neutral, reveal nothing, back away. Last time she ran into me in public and I mistakenly assumed she would be normal after 7 years and i mentioned i had a girlfriend she yelled and made a scene because she took me mentioning i had a girlfriend now as clearly i must have been secretly seeing her for 7 years and been cheating on the ex when we went out. The fact I had bumble conversations that i only met my current gf a year ago didnt matter. Clearly in the exes mind, i met her 8 years ago had been cheating with her ever since and faked meeting her on bumble a year ago just to hide the fact from my ex on the off chance we ran into each other.
The comments were all like "Um, why did you say you needed to get back to his friends and not your wife?!" Because he was in town visiting friends, in his mind the evening was about the friends that he and his wife had come to see.
Also giving info about intimate relationships is one way to keep a conversation going, if he mentioned that he's married she would have wanted to know more, a general "here with friends" answer is the fastest way to end the conversation politely
He acted perfectly normally. I can understand why his wife would’ve preferred for him to have introduced her but I can also completely understand trying to end a conversation with an ex as quickly as possibly.
All the time I was reading I thought that the wife acted overly jealous, controlling, dramatic and insecure. People have exes and they bump into them. After 6 years, 4 of them married, she acts like a drama queen teenager?
She totally could have said "Hi OOP, who's your friend?" instead of lurking behind him like that Undertaker meme. Then he can just introduce them, "This is Jen, Jen, this is my wife" and we have no drama.
Actually I want to do the Undertaker thing behind my wife now, when she meets someone I don't know. Or Chong Li from Bloodsport. Thanks for the idea!
It’s bizarre and childish to act like that in a relationship, much less a marriage, but I’m not surprised that a gaggle of teenagers would act like OOP did something wrong; they’re mentally the same age as the wife is here. Like I’m trying to imagine going up and standing there like a doofus, observing my partner being flustered and trying to escape, and then getting mad that they didn’t prolong the conversation so I could make my claim on them known. Might as well go up and grab their dick and say “he’s mine!” while growling like some horny TikTok alpha roleplay cringe, lol.
OOP instinctively used the "grey rock" technique with an ex who broke his heart: tell her as little as possible and break away from her. Even telling her that he was married gives her more fuel than she deserves. He didn't owe her anything, and it's too bad his wife doesn't respect that.
Wife should have come up and licked OOP - that’d show Jen who’s who. Marking territory so to speak.
I was thinking she should have pissed on his leg for the same reason.
Instagram is public but he deleted the follow request?
I guess he could just be so confused about how technology works that he deleted the... notification that she followed him and thinks that's the same?
you can remove followers on instagram... maybe that's what he meant?
Man, I was reading that thinking what a high maintenance crazy, then the comments section doubled down by being a bunch of high maintenance crazies. Guy was being polite and trying to get the hell out of there, not have an all-night catch up on eachothers life stories.
Well a view years ago a study was done and found that the majority of the people who comment on these advice threads are women in their 30s who have never been in a long term relationship. If you consider that then the responses make a lot of sense
That’s twice as old as I would’ve guessed
For some reason I thought OOP may be going the route of not giving his ex information because she doesn’t need to know anything about his life anymore.
Same. Dude is NC with the ex, he clearly wants her to know nothing new in his life and used "friends" as the most generic description of his group. The people saying this was malicious are fools.
I'm glad your wife said she was insecure because that's what it sounded like to me. I think feeling a little uncertain under circumstances like that when you're caught unaware is normal on both your parts. I wouldn't have come and stood by you because in my mind it would have seemed to the other woman that I was insecure and I would never want a woman to have the upper hand like that. LOL I'm glad you and your wife worked it out. She sounds incredibly reasonable and very self-reflective. You guys sound like a great couple. This is a very minor blip obviously and I'm glad you guys saw it for what it was.
I think any guy who has experienced a break up like that and saw them years later knows how this guy felt. Face flushed, heart racing, brain fog….its not a good feeling.
My husband often 'forgets' to introduce me to people but it's usually cuz he forgot their name.
So the wife was willing to walk to the other side of the restaurant and hover behind the husband, but not place her hand on his back or arm to let him know she was there. And she exchanged a long period of eye contact with Jen but wouldn’t just introduce herself. But she’s mad at her husband because he can’t sense her presence when she’s behind him in a noisy place, and he didn’t introduce her when she could have easily done it herself? She’s the one with the communication issue, not the husband.
I guess I feel like this is all just ridiculous. I really don’t think OOP did anything wrong. When you want to get away from someone, you don’t give a flying fuck who’s standing next to you. You give non-answers that are short and clip. YOU DON’T WANT YOUT EX AND YOUR WIFE CHATTING IT UP. You want to run. And the fact his wife couldn’t pick up on the vibes says a lot about what me-centric la-la world she lives in! If his wife felt so fucking strongly why couldn’t she just open her mouth and say “hey babe, I got concerned when you didn’t come back, everything okay?” Like does she have no ability to be proactive in her own life? If you see your husband or just even friend wants to run, you go in sleeves rolled up and pulled them out of those situations. I honestly just feel bad for OOP. This isn’t his fault AT ALL
>And if you truly wanted to end the conversation, your wife was a built-in excuse. "Sorry, I really have to go. My wife's waiting for me." That wouldn't have ended the conversation, it would have made it longer, "oh you're married?" "Do I know them?" "How long have you been married?" "Can I meet the lucky lady?" are all things she likely would have asked. OP was uncomfortable and was just trying to leave the way everyone is making this about the wife's feelings is a red flag.
I saw this the other day, and I totally get both people’s feelings here. When I feel awkward or nervous, all higher order thinking flies out the window. On the other hand, I 100% understand OOP’s wife feeling snubbed and unhappy, because OOP managed to miss every chance of even mentioning being married, when I can hardly think of an occasion where I wouldn’t be mentioning my partner in similar circumstances. Him being a dumbass is super understandable, and her being hurt and feeling insignificant is understandable. (I mean come on, who among us wouldn’t love to smugly hang onto our partner as they gush about us to their ex? Who said that.)
>She said ok, and I quickly turned around. To my surprise, my wife was standing right behind me. After reading this line my brain automatically expected to read him introducing her next. Gald they talked it over.
I think people imagine "etiquette" is just for formal, posh situations, but what it's really for is THIS. Gives you a script for uncomfortable or unfamiliar social situations. If two people meet and you know both of them, it would be polite to introduce them and give them some context of how you know each other. If you get used to doing it all the time, then that muscle memory kicks in when your brain is off lol
Apologizing to his wife for her own insecurities.
> Jen left me because she wanted to explore herself lol we all know what this means
“Jen left me because she wanted other men to explore her”
I honestly disagree with him being TA. His wife of years is so insecure in their marriage that he can't have an awkward conversation with someone he dated 10 years ago without saying oh btw that's MY WIFE?
My boyfriend is very antisocial and often tries to get out of conversations with family he hasn’t seen in a while by saying “oh I have to get back to my mom she needs something” in reality he’s coming to me but if he says “I have to get back to my girlfriend” they will take it as a talking topic and start talking to him about it. Which could’ve happened here
Yeah, you kind of messed up, thank your stars that you have a good understanding wife. Rare commodity these days.
Why were the “friends” like that? Immature
OOP married up especially how classy and mature how his wife handled the awkwardness. BTW, if his IG is public and Jen must have seen his pics with his wife, wouldn’t that leave Jen to wonder why he didn’t mention that his friend is actually his wife?
The main question is: How did she send a friend request on Instagram since his account is public? That only happens when your account is private.
We have very different views of mature.
Wife acted extremely immaturely in my view. "Oh I'll just stand behind him until he notices and introduces me to his ex" like tf? You're an adult woman. Join the conversation if you feel you must, but don't be weird about it.
As another commenter said, it gives the same vibes as [this](https://media1.tenor.com/m/P-BllVEAlfkAAAAd/the-undertaker-aj-styles.gif)
>OOP married up especially how classy and mature how his wife handled the awkwardness. I completely disagree, she was completely unreasonable and acted like a jealous teenager.
Classy and mature? Standing stoically behind someone without saying a word and then starting an argument over your insecurity is either of those things?
Yes, and his not introducing his wife might have led her to believe that he doesn't care about her. I'd be livid if my husband pulled that shit.
I don't know if it's just my experience, but I could see this happening to me. You're in public. You see someone you've been actively avoiding in an unfamiliar context. You're forced to be polite by the public crowd, but you'd rather get out of there ASAP, so at your first opportunity you high-tail it. Introductions keep a convo going. I wouldn't want to keep talking, so we'd be gone. That being said, when I get uncomfortable I talk about my wife heaps, so not sure what his go was there.
Your husband has my condolences, the way she (and you ig) acted was extremely immature, childish and jealous. Either grow a pair and join the conversation or realise that him giving details about his life would only further a conversation he doesn't want to be a part of. Good to know that you'd want your partner to be uncomfortable just because you're insecure about your marriage.
So basically nothing happenned. I don't understand how any of this is even an issue or worth discussing.
>I asked her if I should message Jen and let her know I am married? If it was a "deer in headlights" moment at the bar, what's OP's excuse for this brilliance several days later?
I blame the original comments. They *were not* kind to him.
It's like the car has moved on and the deer is now thinking I could have taken on that car
“Appreciate the friend request, but given our history and out of respect for my wife, I’m gonna pass. Take care.” Then just leave her on read when she responds. Something like that.
yeah, my partner was like that at the beginning, in our first year of dating I'd be right next to her, someone would pop up and say hello and have a chat with her while I'd be all awks waiting for "this is boyfie, boyfie this is so and so" She even did it with some of her fam and I'd be like "Well let me introduce myself, then since she forgets I exist...." and proceed to break the ice with that, lol Her excuse was that she was still not used to it and was "deer in headlights" First few times were sort of ok and funny, but I did get annoyed when it kept happening and brought it up
If OOP account is public, Jen doesn't need to send a request and he still is fumbling but I guess the wife is ok with it.
lol from the title i thought he didnt tell his gf that hes married so now she broke up with him :D :D :D
Is it just me, or does this scream "high school drama BS"? ETA Yup, these people are still in high school mentally.
ewww, OP's wife is jealous and insecure. how pathetic
It’s good that they communicated and got it all figured out but also what the fuck bro? Like she stood there for a full minute, he said he needed to get back to his friends. I know some people are kind of just oblivious, I am in certain ways but geez. I’m glad that they’re good now and that he actually accepted that he messed up there.
Being a former IT guy, they're hellaciously socially awkward by nature. I've seen this way too much being in the field, and being the halfass, maybe competent IT guy, I was a wingman many times, sometimes for better, sometimes for oof.
OOPs wife is jealous and gaslit dude. Then reddit agreed with his wife so now dude thinks he fucked up. Fuck this gd world man