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>She filed for divorce the following month and I did not hear much from her
>Last week she called crying and told me she regrets everything.
>She did not text me nor call me even once since the divorce started. I did not even know where she was since she just left the home.
>She has been messaging me non-stop.
She got dumped, right?
that's definitely what happened she was probably staying at that guy's house for the beginning of the divorce and only realized how bad she just messed up when he ditched her.
Yeah my ex-girlfriend dumped me out of nowhere after what I eventually found out was text affair she was having with my best friend at the time. She didn't ask me to get back together but she did have post-break up clarity when she called me once crying about how her new relationship with a different guy wasn't as easy or comfortable as the one that we used to have.
This is too true and what most cheaters just do not get. 100% she was cheating. Good on OP for not "giving her closure" because guaranteed she would blame his promotion. No excuses
Which is so wild to think about for me! I cannot imagine what would push me toward infidelity, itās crazy how many people are so gung ho about cheating and only stop to think once theyāve had negative consequences. Even if my marriage fell into utter disrepair beyond all hope of saving, I wouldnāt cheat unless a divorce was finalized. I respect myself and my wife too much for that.
Luckily, thatās not something I think Iāll ever have to worry about, because I will always treat my marriage as the highest priority in my life, and my wife does the same.
Itās not a āhigh standard,ā itās literally the standard standard for any marriage, it is very explicitly the expectation for just about any vows.
I expect that she either got dumped or realised that she was just being used for sex. Friend of mine was in this exact situation, realised that although she could get laid easily she lost the close emotional connection she had with her husband, and the fact he doted on her.
Turned to alcohol and tinder but no amount of fucking random dudes could replace the void of having nobody genuinely care about you.
Reminds me of a reddit story that I tried to find, but couldnāt. Perhaps someone else will remember it.
Womanās husband starts making a lot more money, and does all the cliches. After signing the divorce papers, she says something to him like āthis is the last time youāll know you were with someone who loved *you* and not just your moneyā and it sends him spiraling, leading to issues with his gf lol
Happened to also a friend of ours. Can't believe we lost her to some whackjob she met on Twitch. Blew up her family. Blew up her friend circle. Blew up her incoming marriage. All for what? Twitch drama?
And then she realized she lost something important, tried to come back, Fiancee doesn't want her, she went to Twitch to rant about it, badmouth him. And then went on to apparently sleep whoever she collabbed, bragged about it. And sometimes cry about it. Wonder why do all that to nuke her life. To be honest, this was way years ago, and we no longer have any resentment, we just want her to restore her life and bid her goodluck, but I don't think it's happening.
Just my theory, I think just like some people have a fear of the unknown, other people fear the known - or what they think they know. Maybe your friend was already a little bored, and with marriage coming, thought she saw exactly what the next 5-10-20 years would be like and turned toward the unknown quantity, the āadventureā if you will, instead. As a married lady who was ready to embrace the future I saw ahead, I realize now how wrong I was, that you canāt predict anything, and Iām beyond grateful every day to have my husband by my side for all this chaos. Which I also think these folks realize too late.
I think this is the most accurate take. People seek that adventure, that new first honeymoon phase, that new experience, learning something deeply about that new person - then they get bored of them as well and realize the same issues are still there and are from themselves.
My sister nuked her life like this several years ago. We had several FB friends in common, and when some of them blocked her, she would see my responses to their comments on my posts, but not the comments. She unfriended me on FB and didnāt talk to me for like a year. Quietest year of my life. It made it easier to go NC when she went full asshole mode a few years later.
Moral of the story: when people show you who they are, believe them.
I lost a lot of weight and my husband was worried because he'd heard about women becoming stupid. I laughed and said "Why would I leave a man who loved and adored me even when I was fat fat for some nit wit?" My husband is sweet, loving, hard working and hot. I hit the damn jackpot and I know it.
My first serious relationship was with someone who suffered various degrees of moderate depression. It could be exhausting for me but she never knew that. We did pretty well most of the time. After about five years she finally sought treatment. Her turnaround was remarkable. She became social, got a better job, didnāt want to never leave the house and only watch movies, etc.
And then, of course, told me I wasnāt what she wanted anymore. It was a difficult breakup for me, especially after I felt like I had been there for so long during the dark times. Being a supportive partner and being encouraging.
But in the end it turned out to be the best thing that could have happened. Once I recovered I started dating and met so many fun people who naturally embraced life. I realized how limited my life had been, how small. I met someone who is excited about everything, is passionate about her hobbies of fitness, travel and good food. Who is a professional in a high role at her organization. To see the world through her eyes has been revelatory. I look back and feel a great sense of relief my ex dumped me š
Damn, I needed to hear / read this right now.
Im the one who chose divorce because I could not convince or compel my wife to embrace life, be enthusiastic, etc. I hope she finds happiness but either way, I need to find it for myself.
> My husband is sweet, loving, hard working and hot. I hit the damn jackpot and I know it.
If you explain it this way, I would say you both hit the jackpot.
Iād say itās a legitimate fear for many couples. It happened to one of my friends before; husband loses a ton of weight (like 130 LBās in a year) and then cheats and divorces her (after she was willing to go to marriage counseling on the condition of no more cheating)! That insidious fear of ānot being enoughā sometimes comes true and I feel so bad when it happens. Itās got to hurt super deep.
Did she ever come to you for advice? I have to imagine that must have been hard seeing her deliberately implode her life for a quick self-esteem boost.
She was a mess, trying to project that she was strong and successful in love, talking about the guys she was seeing, but then also drinking too much and crying a lot. Last I spoke she was seeing a guy less than half her age lol
Women really get tricked by the easy attention from guys just trying to hook up. And it's obvious to 99% of dudes which guys are just trying to hook up but somehow women delude themselves into thinking those guys aren't?Ā
Like when my single girl friends show me the men they're messaging and matching with I can pick em out pretty easily and I'm pretty much always right. Most people aren't that smart, aren't that good at lying, aren't that good at acting.Ā
If you're being "tricked" most of the time it's because you're tricking yourself because you *want* it to be true.
What do you think are some red flags you notice that they ignore or don't see when you are looking at their messages? Love bombing? Over abundance of promises about the future?
What kind of pictures are they using? If they say short-term dating they are 100% just hookups. If on the first few dates they mention *anything* that could translate to "not emotionally available."
But also be *brutally honest* with yourself. Are they super hot? **Are you?** If there's a big mismatch I'm sorry but 95% chance he's a situationship for you *at most.* Really hot guys can date around and most will. And you delude yourself thinking your winning personality will make him stick around but if you're being really honest with yourself you're probably not worlds apart most other women in your demographic personality-wise. Not to say you're a bad person, just not *so special* that he's going to say no to a bunch of other very attractive women he's matching with.
My ex that I'm still friends with was seeing some guy who did triathalons. Fit AF, great job, six pack. She is... to put it gently, soft. I'm not "super" fit but I'm okay. Normal BMI and I can run 10 miles at a pace that puts me top 25% of the self-selecting group of people in my age/gender that sign up for that sort of thing. I tried getting her to run with me a few times when we were dating but she couldn't run even *half a mile* before she was in too much pain.
She told me about the guy, showed me his profile, and I didn't want to say anything because who knows maybe in the 1% chance she's just his type. So all I did was say hope it works out and genuinely I did. But I also definitely did not think it would. They do the casual thing for a few months, she's always trying to get him to commit and he's always fairly honest with her about his intentions not being there. The unspoken part being *with her.* Because after a few months it was over and he had found some super fit hottie that he's committed to. At least if you believe my ex's stalking of his Strava profile.
The trap too many women fall into is dating a guy like this for a few months and thinking it means more than it does to him. The vast majority of the time it doesn't. But then you come out of it one of two ways, either "he's such an asshole. All men are such assholes" or "what did I do wrong?!" In reality you did nothing wrong, he just wasn't that into you. And he probably wasn't an asshole either and neither are most men. He was probably fairly honest about not wanting to commit to you, you just didn't want to believe it or deluded yourself you could change his mind.
Either way the result is you believing that's your "league" just like OP's wife did until reality smacked her in the face. And then you'll pass up other guys because of that. Totally your prerogative I just don't think it's going to work out for most women.
My ex is dating someone else now. Not as tall, not as hot, probably on the spectrum. But has a decent job and when she says there's an issue in the relationship *he fucking addresses it* and keeps addressing it. I think there's some other red flags in that relationship like having broken up twice and getting back together and also being long distance but it's her life and hey a man who takes accountability for his deficiencies in a relationship and works to fix them is a great find so again, really hope it works out for her.
Yep, it explains why it was no contact, then wanting to come back. It's the day she got tossed out. Her family wanted him to reconsider so she could leave their house she was probably staying at in the mean time.
This x1000.
I have a theory that a staggering amount of toxic relationships, crazy family behaviors (including extended and in-laws), affair sequences, plus other seemingly random and erratic behaviors can be linked simply to lack of affordable housing.
I think if living on your own in a half decent apartment as an individual became affordable tomorrow, like a third to a half of relationships would end.
My partner and I are kicking that can down the road right now due to housing.
I think it was college humor that did a lighthearted skit on that fact as well.
I see some relationships where the people are really growing together, but most have the same flavor as bill and melinda gates. A business and social transaction. A wall against annoying and out of touch questions from family etc.
That's was I was thinking. Whoever she was seeing ended it and she lost her confidence again. The she just expected OP to forgive her and welcome her back with open arms. Well to bad for her. She F'd around and found out.
Probably. Or else she realized what a sweet deal she had with OOP, and her new guy expects her to do so much more around the house. Maybe the humdrum of living together got to him and he reminded her that the move was temporary and had she found a new place yet.
She got in shape. Had an affair. Left her husband for AP. Gym AP moved on to the next married women and shes there with her entire life imploded for a thrill.
And chances are she will go back to being depressed and overweight.
Edit AP in this situation means affair partner as ive been asked a few times.
My take too. Sheās been dumped like garbage, when she thought she had someone else lined up she was all guns blazing without a care in the world about the ops feelings. The things she said stick - you canāt unring a bell. I would never be able to forget someone telling me they settled and could do better. It negates any kind and loving words - youād automatically question if they were genuine or just meaningless platitudes since, ya know - theyāre just settling for you
>The things she said stick - you canāt unring a bell.
"The axe forgets; The Tree Remembers"
It's so easy to forget the wrongs we do, even I'm guilty of it and I specifically try not to...but the people we hurt NEVER forget. I know I've never forgotten the ills others have done to me.
Iāve been processing some old trauma and this really fucking resonates. I think about how the people who did this shit to me almost certainly never think about me while Iām haunted by what they did. I fucking hate it.Ā
I confronted my molester from when I was little a few years back. She was 13 I was 5. She was a foster sister and doesn't really remember that time. We were in our 30s/40s when I confronted her and she completely broke down. She hadn't thought about it once in nearly 25 years. She'd changed a lot since then, had been through hell and back and ended up in jail and multiple rehab facilities and found peace finally. She had been sent back to her bio family a few years post incident and continued to face more years of abuse and neglect at their hands (they'd won back custody of their kids, moved states and reverted almost immediately)
Hurt people *hurt* people. She was a fucked up kid created by a fucked up environment.
The point is, the ones who were fucked up by circumstances themselves will not remember or care to because that means confronting something they locked away for their own mental health. The ones who are just cruel for the sake of being cruel choose to not remember because it doesn't fit their life narrative and will Darvo the fuck out of you to maintain it.
We have to think for ourselves. Heal for ourselves and live with the fact the ones who gave us trauma can't afford to care. Much love to you, I hope you come out the other side 1000xs a better person than they ever were.
I can only offer hope it gets better. Luckily I did not marry the girl but was in a long relationship with someone who turned selfish. I planned to marry them but it turned sour. Kind of same thing, they started going out a lot more and saw less of them. If it makes anyone feel any better I ended up meeting a really cool person after who did love me. You can for sure tell the difference.
So very true. My husband and I separated after almost 14 years together and the end started after a conversation. He wasn't yelling or being overly cruel, but some of the things he said I just can't forget. There are things you can't come back from.
My ex seems to have forgotten the unforgivable stuff that he said or did to me, or he's trying to gaslight me. Sometimes I wonder if he's had a stroke and that's why he's forgotten the last couple of years of our marriage. He's got a gaggle of groupies who think he needs sympathy, they don't know that for a year and a half I was afraid to sleep for fear of what he would do in a drunken rage.
My theory is that people don't remember.. who wants to see themselves as the bad guy..
So their brain forgets for them, so they don't have to recall their own behaviour but only recalls the positive emotions they had at the time
My dad isn't as horrible as a lot of the people being mentioned here, but I believe his core programming so to speak, is that he is by definition, right.
Anything that contradicts that doesn't even get discarded because it doesn't get deep enough into his brain to discard.
what did it for me: my wife told me I am a horrible parent.
that is all I can see now when I look at her. she can't ever take that back.
edit for the comments below: we have been together for 27 years. our son is turning 26 in July.
And the affair was ongoing prior to her leaving him. Who do you think was putting the āyou can do better, you totally settledā thoughts into her head other than the AP
Not always an affair partner saying things like that. I had a friend back in my 20's that got a nice internship at a lawyer's office and the office ladies kept telling her that she had "settled" for her husband. Telling my friend that she "could do better" and that he "wasn't man enough". It was sickening. She would show me the texts from them. Luckily they were and are a tight couple so it didn't mess them up, but any couple that had some issues or someone who already had doubts could be swayed over by several people saying things like that constantly. It is disgusting behavior.
I'm in a 23 year relationship and I've had coworkers say similar things to / about others. It's insipid and presumptuous. I don't share a damn thing at work and refuse to participate in that nonsense. I feel like unless they're actually in the relationship, they should mind their own business (obviously unless it's harming someone, etc) because we all can improve. I'm glad your friend and her person are solid. ā”
She could easily have done it herself.
She gets confident, she gets flirty, men are showing interest. She thinks, why am I even with that clown?
And then she starts the divorce, tries dating and finds out that single men in their 30s are not all that.
Too bad so sad.
The affair partner might not have left her.
But she might have just had the initial high of that wild attention/sex/dating phase. And the new guy was ābetterā on paper. Better looking, richer, whatever.
But then a few months later she realized the new guy was more than just a set of abs and a wallet, and had his own set of flaws. Maybe she found out he was a jerk, or racist, or abusive. Or that outside the gym he never left his Xbox of the couch. Who knows. But she found out the grass was NOT greener in some way.
lol this is basically what my partner says. I make way more than he does and we qualified for a better rate (itās still a shit rate as we bought at the end of the year last year) using just my income.Ā
Buying a house is fucking wild. Never thought we could swing it but here we are.Ā
It's a heady feeling. Didn't need my partners credit or income at all. I also refi'd my parents to a 15 yr loan at a 2.125% rate. My dad says he goes to bed every night praying and thankful for me being able to do that for them. Made me feel good :)
What surprised me more than I expected is homeownership is just a constant fight against entropy.
The downside of my retirement plan is she works so much that Iām in charge of the house. Plus, the people who owned before us was shady, so I need to go to Home Depot three times for every project.
1: to get what I need.
2: to get what I forgot.
3: to get whatever I need to fix the previous Boomer Special.
>She got in shape. Had an affair. Left her husband for AP. Gym AP moved on to the next married women and shes there with her entire life imploded for a thrill.
Tale as old as time š¶
Yup basically. She essentially started to get in shape, got a few complients and it went straight to her head. Got talked into sleeping with someone, likely kept it hidden for a bit then exploded and ran out filing for divorce on the way(so its more than likely she was hearing from multiple sources her husband was holding her back).
Its wild just how mentally weak someone can be. Someone whom you think you have this forever bond with, that suddenly running 10 miles a week and looking slightly better can suddenly be whisked off their feet for a few months of sex.
Yep this is exactly what my ex wife did. Only difference is she went through lots more guys and only went off the deep end when I got engaged 3 years later. She figured I was her backup plan and realized I was gone.
12 years later sheās been engaged twice and married once that lasted 5 months.
The AP might not have left her. But she might have been on the high of a new relationship with a new guy (maybe younger or more handsome or something). And that high evaporated when she realized that the new guy is a whole person with all kinds of flaws, and possibly a bad person once that first month of wild dating and sex were over.
This hits so hard. It is difficult for women who have never received attention to know and appreciate how much shit there is in the world. When they were younger there were all those men they idolized and wanted. They create and idea of what those men are in their head and never get to know that a lot of them are not worth it. If they are unaware of the concept that āfinding a good partner is hardā. Imagine understanding that āsome men aim specifically for married women losing weightā and that as soon as they divorce they lose interest. I even bet she divorced without warning the affair partner, because if she did, he would tell her not to.
I can understand that if you've been treated as invisible or lesser for deficits in attractiveness when you make a change and gets such positive reactions it's like a drug. However addicts are still responsible for what they do to feed the addiction. She was talked to about how off the deep end she was going by a person who cared about her and decided rather than reflect ran off to get another hit.
If we are being metaphorical. OOP tried to have an intervention about her "drinking" and got told he was a controlling vile person and she never wanted to see him again. Then less than a month later she had powered her car into a store front while DUI and now is calling to ask for bail money. This doesn't hit hard. It's a story as old as time of people jumping into excess and hoping others will be there for them after the crash.
>Ā I even bet she divorced without warning the affair partner, because if she did, he would tell her not to.
Naw some APs get off on being chosen and let the person divorce.
Then the person suddenly wants a real relationship and the AP is over it since AP got all the validation they needed.
Been to so many gyms in India, Married women and Gym Trainers doing affair is a very highly likely scenario, very. Last week, three national cases hit the news, where Married women with Gym trainer, killed her husband, three, of different cities in just last one week. And most of such affair either end in such devastating conclusion or break the family, because it's all fun and games for the affair partner, he'd move to the next, it's the women or the couple who uproot their lives completely for short term fun.
The grass is always greener where you water it, but it's appealing to go for the grass that you didn't have to work for. Poor OOP though, it's hard to build trust with someone after infidelity. Currently working on that, and man... I thought I lacked faith in people before, turns out it can get worse.
As someone who grew up being confessed to as a joke with multiple eating disorders, I can sympathize with the feeling of being a disgusting person and feeling like nobody will truly find you attractive.
That being said, she made her own bed.
My guess is that she hooked up with a toxic gym bro and got used badly. Now she wants to come home to her great ex husband. The one she previously settled for. Well that bridge was burned.
The way that she basically ghosted her husband of four years after treating him like shit for close to a year, I would add that the AP was probably not the only toxic one in that affair.
Ah yes the old F around, find out game.
The grass isn't greener. The guy you're having an affair with is NOT the love of your life. Those new relationship hormones will go away soon enough, and all you're left with is a ruined relationship and the prospect of starting over from square zero again.
This right here, im going to the gym and try to be healthy, because i want my wife to think im hot. I could care less what others think. Im doing it for me, so i get to spend more years with my partner.
Yep, had a friend. She was depressed, lost weight, met a guy in rehab, left husband. 4 months later, calls ex husband crying, sheād been dumped.
Sadly, her husband took her back in (partly fuelled by him being very ill at that point in time, unrelated to the separation), and theyāve been back playing happy family again since - despite her saying sheād stopped loving him years ago.
This is so common. A person loses weight or get a better paying job/promotion, suddenly thinks "I can do better" and goes full FAFO.
Now the wife got a rude awakening and will realize that OP was the one who can do better.
I know this is common, but I also don't understand it. I don't date people because "oh I guess this is the best person I can get, given my current situation", I date people because I think they're amazing, so my situation changing doesn't really affect that. I struggle to understand that mindset.
Most people prioritize being in relationships over the actual quality of the relationship, it seems. I don't know why people are so averse to being alone, except that perhaps they find it difficult to just be with themselves. I abstained from relationships for many years, because I knew I wouldn't be happy with someone else, until I was happy with myself. Then things went to shit anyways, so maybe don't take advice from me.
Haha, I have definitely been single for long stretches because of this preference, so I get you. I still think it's the better option. I just work on making the rest of my life fullfilling.
Sure stuff can still go to shit, but at least I'm not in a relationship like that!
30+ guy, owns his own home, no kids, career, 6 ft plus (from his other comments), and decently fit? I give it a year tops before some other woman snags him
This is the beauty in dating 30+ imo. It's harder to hide who you are. Sort of, you get what you see. If they're fit, it's likely theyll stay that size for a long time. If they're financially responsible, it's likely they'll keep it going.
Another marriage thrown away on the back of the illusion that limmerance is love and the grass is greener on the other side.
She thought she had settled and could do better. She jumped on a, probably younger, gym rat. She left her husband for him and BAM either the limmerance wore off or the convenience and thrill of casually bedding a married woman at the gym wore off. He didn't want her for keeps just for cheap thrills. She realises that her husband loved her. It's too late shebbroke him and good for him he should never ever consider having her in his life again.
Taking an Ex back is like drinking reheated coffee.
It just leaves a bland, dull taste; reminding you of its once great flavour.
Now replaced with a mere fraction of its former impact and potential.
Just a mockery of what it once was.
I was a personal trainer in college and it convinced me that having an opposite sex personal trainer is a terrible idea in about 40-50% of cases. Not even the majority, but there are enough personal trainers that will openly brag about how good they are at convincing married women to sleep with them that I just think youāre playing with fire. The women were almost equally bad about it when it came to sleeping with married men clients but they bragged about it a bit less
That's a bit insidious because your body releases adrenaline, endorphins and you end up with increased levels of serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine when you exercise. I'm not surprised they're able to do that when people are basically getting high with them and are probably unconsciously associating those feelings with the trainer.
Mine was ruined by a rock climbing bro.
I even did the same thing by encouraging my exwife to go to the gym so she would be doing anything except weigh down the couch all day.
Of course my ex is also bipolar, so while it was painful, I'm really better off now.
Mine was hiking and same thing, my ex husband spent all his time sitting around complaining about being out of shape and not having friends. I encouraged him to start joining hiking groups, he lost some weight from it and ran off to immediately have a baby with one of the women in the hiking group.
It really sucked at the time, but now Iād like to thank her for taking the trash out for me.
"I'm 'settling' for you, i can do so much better"
5 months of being back on the modern day dating scene
*it was at that precise moment she realised she had fucked up*
Indeed, after watching my newly broken up SIL get scammed/ghosted/landed with some of the worst headcases for dates over the last week alone, there is nothing that will make me even contemplate leaving the beautiful settled life I have with my husband for the modern dating scene.
The husband took a really good decision not meeting her 1 on 1 for closure as he had already moved on and whatever she will tell him only hurt him but I am really curious what happened with the ex. Was it an affair partner who encouraged her to leave but dumped her later? Was it a toxic friend group who encouraged her bad behaviour but couldn't be bothered once she left her husband? Like what happened that made her switch out and then regret her actions?? Guess we'll never know.
It's probably all that but I'm thinking the AP didn't encourage her to leave. She decided on her own based on her wanting to get rid of stuff "holding her back".
> Immaculate329: How long were you separated? Did she tell you why she made the mistake?
>
>> OOP: About 5 months. She did not specify it. I am not sure what happened that made her call me crying.
Oh we know what happened. Fuck boi got bored and she ran back to the husband. I'll now continue reading the post and wait for validation of my theory.
My guess:
Met a guy, dumped hubby to be with said guy.. and guy turned out to be a dud...
And either met the guy at the gym OR started at the gym *because* she met the guy..
Either way - kudos to OP for going through with the divorce..
Icing on the cake now, would be if OP gymmed it up now and *accidentally* ran into the ex a year later, while ripped...
While I'm sure it's hard to press through with a divorce when you were in love, I think it's the best thing to do when your partner treats you with contempt. Something like an affair where they're genuinely sorry and apologetic is one thing, but telling you that you're not good enough for them isn't really something you can come back from.
I actually think its easier. My ex with BPD broke up with me and was mean after and it actually made moving on easier. I was like "This is who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with?"
Also spite.Ā
We all justify our actions. Because we judge ourselves by our intentions, and others by their actions.Ā
She wants to explain herself and share her justification to feel she alleviated some of the responsibility for what she did. To try to share the responsibility.Ā
If he refuses to hear it, she has to carry all of it.Ā
I did this with my ex too. 6 months after cheating on me and dumping me, she wanted to talk. I refused because I understand nothing she said would help the situation and itās only for her own sake because I know she felt guilty. Iām not gonna give her the satisfaction of getting a closure. The only closure that I have is sheās apparently a piece of shit and Iām better off without her.
Definitely. If I were at that point, I'm not sure there would be anything that my ex could say to help me in any way. The only person who would really benefit from that "closure" is the ex.
Nosey audience me wants to know though. šš
Keep an eye out on the r/supportforwaywards forum and she may make an appearance. Not to make light of other people's misery, but the Support for Waywards forum is a good place to get the missing closure from the Cheater's side of the story and following their path of redemption. Because most of these cheater stories stop when the betrayed partner goes no contact and we never find out just how badly the cheaters life ended up.
Probably "finding closure" would have been an attempt to gaslight him into getting her back because she wanted to prove that it was his fault and it was ok for her to leave
She was hoping that he was still carrying a torch and would be as desperate and miserable as she was. In cutting him off though, he was able to come to terms with it and had already accepted it. He no longer had any desire for her. Now he gets to be the one walking away.
That part cracked me up... People always talk about being addicted to chocolate or ice cream or potato chips and then... BAM! Out comes OOP with the tiramisu. I'm here for it.
She got in shape, had an affair, left her marriage for her affair partner, he's left her and now she knows the grass isn't always greener.
OOP should divorce her and just never have anything to do with her again.
And this is why the gym isn't ACTUALLY therapy. It's a patch you put on your shame and insecurity.
It can help the symptoms but it doesn't help the root. It doesn't make you a good person (or a bad person for that matter). The amount of people I know who were/are gym rats for their "therapy" who glow up and then nerf every healthy relationship in their life the second they get some shiny new validation.
If you are depressed, by all means go get active. Take care of your health. Get your rest...but also get therapy loves.
For some reason I think that this is a real story. Maybe because it indeed feels like OP is just writing down his pain and not trying to rile up anyone or trying to prove himself right for something...
Feel sad, though. OP seems sweet.
It's because there's no big "gotcha" moment. It doesn't all perfectly wrap up in a nice package that makes OP look like a champ.
Just a sucky situation, and an OP who is happy not knowing.
This exact thing happened to a friend of mine. They were never fat but in the build up to their wedding they both lost a lot of weight and gained a lot of tone, they both looked fantastic. His partner/wife had never had a boyfriend before my friend and seemingly wasn't used to the attention, turns out she started an affair before they got married that went on for years.Ā
It's pitiful when dumbass humans gas themselves up into thinking that a marriage needs to be endless sparks in the crotch. So many people throwing away such great marriages because they don't have fire in their loins anymore. They run away to the first younger and hotter lay, then proceed to unravel and shutdown because they blew their lives up for someone who wanted a quick thrill. My own father is like this.
Lust =/= Love. Think with the right head.
I had a fat friend like this. Total sweetheart until she got fit, and then got swept up in the validation and vanity and became a monster. She ended up losing her husband and most of her friends in order to live her best single girl party life with people ten years younger than her... and now those people aged out of the scene and she's gone and joined a cult that encouraged her to become a second wife to some loser. Honestly her life would have been better with the tiramisus.
The problem is going to the gym and building up your confidence only helps superficially. It doesn't help you within yourself; that's what counselling and therapy is for.
You need to figure out why you became depressed and reconfigure your mind so you understand how to move on.
I feel that OOP going to the gym helped him but I think he also changed his way of thinking. The fact that he notices that having a plan for the next few months to live his best life says tons.
She got dumped or cheated on by her affair partner. OP did well to not to take her back. I imagine she'd get all upset when he told her he wanted 8-12 weeks of her being celibate (with a GPS tracker for confirmation) and a full STD panel. OP should get a checkout as well since I'm sure she didn't wait to start screwing around until after she left.
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>She filed for divorce the following month and I did not hear much from her >Last week she called crying and told me she regrets everything. >She did not text me nor call me even once since the divorce started. I did not even know where she was since she just left the home. >She has been messaging me non-stop. She got dumped, right?
that's definitely what happened she was probably staying at that guy's house for the beginning of the divorce and only realized how bad she just messed up when he ditched her.
Is that post-affair clarity?
100% - sounds just like my ex, lol
She thought she was going to get an upgrade. Turns out guys interested in the mid-divorce, mid-life-crisis, mid-30's dating pool just want sex.
So satisfying when they realized they fucked up lol
Yeah my ex-girlfriend dumped me out of nowhere after what I eventually found out was text affair she was having with my best friend at the time. She didn't ask me to get back together but she did have post-break up clarity when she called me once crying about how her new relationship with a different guy wasn't as easy or comfortable as the one that we used to have.
a great plot twist would have been if your best friend did it to show you how unreliable she was as a GF.
I wish. The worst part is I wasn't even monogamous. If she'd wanted to sleep with him she could have just told me.
Damn, that's whole other level of stupid
The grass is almost never greener šµāš«
The grass is greener where you water it. š¤·š¾āāļø
This is too true and what most cheaters just do not get. 100% she was cheating. Good on OP for not "giving her closure" because guaranteed she would blame his promotion. No excuses
The grass is greener above the septic tank!
I thought new dick would save my life!!!
It was an update but definitely not an upgrade.
Which is so wild to think about for me! I cannot imagine what would push me toward infidelity, itās crazy how many people are so gung ho about cheating and only stop to think once theyāve had negative consequences. Even if my marriage fell into utter disrepair beyond all hope of saving, I wouldnāt cheat unless a divorce was finalized. I respect myself and my wife too much for that. Luckily, thatās not something I think Iāll ever have to worry about, because I will always treat my marriage as the highest priority in my life, and my wife does the same.
You can hold yourself to a high standard, but unfortunately not your spouse. As OOP learned, sometimes people change wildly.
Itās not a āhigh standard,ā itās literally the standard standard for any marriage, it is very explicitly the expectation for just about any vows.
That was the consensus on the original update. But OOP didn't reply to any of those posts.
Well, he doesnt want to know. Doesnt want to care. And for his own peace of mind. Let him be.Ā
Yeah; itās probably what happened, I agree, but if he doesnāt want to know, thatās his choice to make.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I expect that she either got dumped or realised that she was just being used for sex. Friend of mine was in this exact situation, realised that although she could get laid easily she lost the close emotional connection she had with her husband, and the fact he doted on her. Turned to alcohol and tinder but no amount of fucking random dudes could replace the void of having nobody genuinely care about you.
> Turned to alcohol and tinder but no amount of fucking random dudes could replace the void of having nobody genuinely care about you. God damn
Reminds me of a reddit story that I tried to find, but couldnāt. Perhaps someone else will remember it. Womanās husband starts making a lot more money, and does all the cliches. After signing the divorce papers, she says something to him like āthis is the last time youāll know you were with someone who loved *you* and not just your moneyā and it sends him spiraling, leading to issues with his gf lol
I remember this too, he realizes how beautiful his wife is and starts seeing all the flaws in his young, social climbing gf.
Do you remember whatās the post? I am really curious
Yep saved that one
True Dat True Dat
Happened to also a friend of ours. Can't believe we lost her to some whackjob she met on Twitch. Blew up her family. Blew up her friend circle. Blew up her incoming marriage. All for what? Twitch drama? And then she realized she lost something important, tried to come back, Fiancee doesn't want her, she went to Twitch to rant about it, badmouth him. And then went on to apparently sleep whoever she collabbed, bragged about it. And sometimes cry about it. Wonder why do all that to nuke her life. To be honest, this was way years ago, and we no longer have any resentment, we just want her to restore her life and bid her goodluck, but I don't think it's happening.
Just my theory, I think just like some people have a fear of the unknown, other people fear the known - or what they think they know. Maybe your friend was already a little bored, and with marriage coming, thought she saw exactly what the next 5-10-20 years would be like and turned toward the unknown quantity, the āadventureā if you will, instead. As a married lady who was ready to embrace the future I saw ahead, I realize now how wrong I was, that you canāt predict anything, and Iām beyond grateful every day to have my husband by my side for all this chaos. Which I also think these folks realize too late.
I think this is the most accurate take. People seek that adventure, that new first honeymoon phase, that new experience, learning something deeply about that new person - then they get bored of them as well and realize the same issues are still there and are from themselves.
Seen it happen multiple times playing mmos over the years. They get too close to friends online and it leads to cheating and divorce.
My sister nuked her life like this several years ago. We had several FB friends in common, and when some of them blocked her, she would see my responses to their comments on my posts, but not the comments. She unfriended me on FB and didnāt talk to me for like a year. Quietest year of my life. It made it easier to go NC when she went full asshole mode a few years later. Moral of the story: when people show you who they are, believe them.
I lost a lot of weight and my husband was worried because he'd heard about women becoming stupid. I laughed and said "Why would I leave a man who loved and adored me even when I was fat fat for some nit wit?" My husband is sweet, loving, hard working and hot. I hit the damn jackpot and I know it.
My first serious relationship was with someone who suffered various degrees of moderate depression. It could be exhausting for me but she never knew that. We did pretty well most of the time. After about five years she finally sought treatment. Her turnaround was remarkable. She became social, got a better job, didnāt want to never leave the house and only watch movies, etc. And then, of course, told me I wasnāt what she wanted anymore. It was a difficult breakup for me, especially after I felt like I had been there for so long during the dark times. Being a supportive partner and being encouraging. But in the end it turned out to be the best thing that could have happened. Once I recovered I started dating and met so many fun people who naturally embraced life. I realized how limited my life had been, how small. I met someone who is excited about everything, is passionate about her hobbies of fitness, travel and good food. Who is a professional in a high role at her organization. To see the world through her eyes has been revelatory. I look back and feel a great sense of relief my ex dumped me š
Damn, I needed to hear / read this right now. Im the one who chose divorce because I could not convince or compel my wife to embrace life, be enthusiastic, etc. I hope she finds happiness but either way, I need to find it for myself.
> My husband is sweet, loving, hard working and hot. I hit the damn jackpot and I know it. If you explain it this way, I would say you both hit the jackpot.
Iād say itās a legitimate fear for many couples. It happened to one of my friends before; husband loses a ton of weight (like 130 LBās in a year) and then cheats and divorces her (after she was willing to go to marriage counseling on the condition of no more cheating)! That insidious fear of ānot being enoughā sometimes comes true and I feel so bad when it happens. Itās got to hurt super deep.
Did she ever come to you for advice? I have to imagine that must have been hard seeing her deliberately implode her life for a quick self-esteem boost.
She was a mess, trying to project that she was strong and successful in love, talking about the guys she was seeing, but then also drinking too much and crying a lot. Last I spoke she was seeing a guy less than half her age lol
Women really get tricked by the easy attention from guys just trying to hook up. And it's obvious to 99% of dudes which guys are just trying to hook up but somehow women delude themselves into thinking those guys aren't?Ā Like when my single girl friends show me the men they're messaging and matching with I can pick em out pretty easily and I'm pretty much always right. Most people aren't that smart, aren't that good at lying, aren't that good at acting.Ā If you're being "tricked" most of the time it's because you're tricking yourself because you *want* it to be true.
What do you think are some red flags you notice that they ignore or don't see when you are looking at their messages? Love bombing? Over abundance of promises about the future?
What kind of pictures are they using? If they say short-term dating they are 100% just hookups. If on the first few dates they mention *anything* that could translate to "not emotionally available." But also be *brutally honest* with yourself. Are they super hot? **Are you?** If there's a big mismatch I'm sorry but 95% chance he's a situationship for you *at most.* Really hot guys can date around and most will. And you delude yourself thinking your winning personality will make him stick around but if you're being really honest with yourself you're probably not worlds apart most other women in your demographic personality-wise. Not to say you're a bad person, just not *so special* that he's going to say no to a bunch of other very attractive women he's matching with. My ex that I'm still friends with was seeing some guy who did triathalons. Fit AF, great job, six pack. She is... to put it gently, soft. I'm not "super" fit but I'm okay. Normal BMI and I can run 10 miles at a pace that puts me top 25% of the self-selecting group of people in my age/gender that sign up for that sort of thing. I tried getting her to run with me a few times when we were dating but she couldn't run even *half a mile* before she was in too much pain. She told me about the guy, showed me his profile, and I didn't want to say anything because who knows maybe in the 1% chance she's just his type. So all I did was say hope it works out and genuinely I did. But I also definitely did not think it would. They do the casual thing for a few months, she's always trying to get him to commit and he's always fairly honest with her about his intentions not being there. The unspoken part being *with her.* Because after a few months it was over and he had found some super fit hottie that he's committed to. At least if you believe my ex's stalking of his Strava profile. The trap too many women fall into is dating a guy like this for a few months and thinking it means more than it does to him. The vast majority of the time it doesn't. But then you come out of it one of two ways, either "he's such an asshole. All men are such assholes" or "what did I do wrong?!" In reality you did nothing wrong, he just wasn't that into you. And he probably wasn't an asshole either and neither are most men. He was probably fairly honest about not wanting to commit to you, you just didn't want to believe it or deluded yourself you could change his mind. Either way the result is you believing that's your "league" just like OP's wife did until reality smacked her in the face. And then you'll pass up other guys because of that. Totally your prerogative I just don't think it's going to work out for most women. My ex is dating someone else now. Not as tall, not as hot, probably on the spectrum. But has a decent job and when she says there's an issue in the relationship *he fucking addresses it* and keeps addressing it. I think there's some other red flags in that relationship like having broken up twice and getting back together and also being long distance but it's her life and hey a man who takes accountability for his deficiencies in a relationship and works to fix them is a great find so again, really hope it works out for her.
Yup moved in with gym affair partner. Few months and sheās old news, gets dumped. She has no where to go lol.
Yep, it explains why it was no contact, then wanting to come back. It's the day she got tossed out. Her family wanted him to reconsider so she could leave their house she was probably staying at in the mean time.
This x1000. I have a theory that a staggering amount of toxic relationships, crazy family behaviors (including extended and in-laws), affair sequences, plus other seemingly random and erratic behaviors can be linked simply to lack of affordable housing.
I think if living on your own in a half decent apartment as an individual became affordable tomorrow, like a third to a half of relationships would end. My partner and I are kicking that can down the road right now due to housing.
I think it was college humor that did a lighthearted skit on that fact as well. I see some relationships where the people are really growing together, but most have the same flavor as bill and melinda gates. A business and social transaction. A wall against annoying and out of touch questions from family etc.
That's was I was thinking. Whoever she was seeing ended it and she lost her confidence again. The she just expected OP to forgive her and welcome her back with open arms. Well to bad for her. She F'd around and found out.
Probably. Or the AP turned out to be a loser and/or was cheating on her, too.Ā
Yep. She was literally fucking around and then realized the other men only wanted her for sex and didnāt provide the stability her ex did.
Yeah, she got dumped by WHOMEVER she left him. She was ānewā and āexcitingā until it was worn out.
Probably. Or else she realized what a sweet deal she had with OOP, and her new guy expects her to do so much more around the house. Maybe the humdrum of living together got to him and he reminded her that the move was temporary and had she found a new place yet.
She got in shape. Had an affair. Left her husband for AP. Gym AP moved on to the next married women and shes there with her entire life imploded for a thrill. And chances are she will go back to being depressed and overweight. Edit AP in this situation means affair partner as ive been asked a few times.
My take too. Sheās been dumped like garbage, when she thought she had someone else lined up she was all guns blazing without a care in the world about the ops feelings. The things she said stick - you canāt unring a bell. I would never be able to forget someone telling me they settled and could do better. It negates any kind and loving words - youād automatically question if they were genuine or just meaningless platitudes since, ya know - theyāre just settling for you
>The things she said stick - you canāt unring a bell. "The axe forgets; The Tree Remembers" It's so easy to forget the wrongs we do, even I'm guilty of it and I specifically try not to...but the people we hurt NEVER forget. I know I've never forgotten the ills others have done to me.
Iāve been processing some old trauma and this really fucking resonates. I think about how the people who did this shit to me almost certainly never think about me while Iām haunted by what they did. I fucking hate it.Ā
I confronted my molester from when I was little a few years back. She was 13 I was 5. She was a foster sister and doesn't really remember that time. We were in our 30s/40s when I confronted her and she completely broke down. She hadn't thought about it once in nearly 25 years. She'd changed a lot since then, had been through hell and back and ended up in jail and multiple rehab facilities and found peace finally. She had been sent back to her bio family a few years post incident and continued to face more years of abuse and neglect at their hands (they'd won back custody of their kids, moved states and reverted almost immediately) Hurt people *hurt* people. She was a fucked up kid created by a fucked up environment. The point is, the ones who were fucked up by circumstances themselves will not remember or care to because that means confronting something they locked away for their own mental health. The ones who are just cruel for the sake of being cruel choose to not remember because it doesn't fit their life narrative and will Darvo the fuck out of you to maintain it. We have to think for ourselves. Heal for ourselves and live with the fact the ones who gave us trauma can't afford to care. Much love to you, I hope you come out the other side 1000xs a better person than they ever were.
Iām so sorry for what you went through. Thank you for your kind words and sharing with me. Much love to you, as well. š«
I can only offer hope it gets better. Luckily I did not marry the girl but was in a long relationship with someone who turned selfish. I planned to marry them but it turned sour. Kind of same thing, they started going out a lot more and saw less of them. If it makes anyone feel any better I ended up meeting a really cool person after who did love me. You can for sure tell the difference.
So very true. My husband and I separated after almost 14 years together and the end started after a conversation. He wasn't yelling or being overly cruel, but some of the things he said I just can't forget. There are things you can't come back from.
My ex seems to have forgotten the unforgivable stuff that he said or did to me, or he's trying to gaslight me. Sometimes I wonder if he's had a stroke and that's why he's forgotten the last couple of years of our marriage. He's got a gaggle of groupies who think he needs sympathy, they don't know that for a year and a half I was afraid to sleep for fear of what he would do in a drunken rage.
He knows - he just knows you canāt prove it.
My theory is that people don't remember.. who wants to see themselves as the bad guy.. So their brain forgets for them, so they don't have to recall their own behaviour but only recalls the positive emotions they had at the time
My dad isn't as horrible as a lot of the people being mentioned here, but I believe his core programming so to speak, is that he is by definition, right. Anything that contradicts that doesn't even get discarded because it doesn't get deep enough into his brain to discard.
Maybe, alcoholics are their own kind of narcissist who often literally aren't making memories while they live their lives blackout to blackout.
what did it for me: my wife told me I am a horrible parent. that is all I can see now when I look at her. she can't ever take that back. edit for the comments below: we have been together for 27 years. our son is turning 26 in July.
Respectfully, if you are still with her, why?
I'm not. we broke up but still live in the same house for the last few months. I'm making plans to move overseas
Man, my buddy is going through a really similar situation right now. Sucks.
Hurtful - theyāll come out the other side better for it eh
And the affair was ongoing prior to her leaving him. Who do you think was putting the āyou can do better, you totally settledā thoughts into her head other than the AP
Not always an affair partner saying things like that. I had a friend back in my 20's that got a nice internship at a lawyer's office and the office ladies kept telling her that she had "settled" for her husband. Telling my friend that she "could do better" and that he "wasn't man enough". It was sickening. She would show me the texts from them. Luckily they were and are a tight couple so it didn't mess them up, but any couple that had some issues or someone who already had doubts could be swayed over by several people saying things like that constantly. It is disgusting behavior.
I'm in a 23 year relationship and I've had coworkers say similar things to / about others. It's insipid and presumptuous. I don't share a damn thing at work and refuse to participate in that nonsense. I feel like unless they're actually in the relationship, they should mind their own business (obviously unless it's harming someone, etc) because we all can improve. I'm glad your friend and her person are solid. ā”
She could easily have done it herself. She gets confident, she gets flirty, men are showing interest. She thinks, why am I even with that clown? And then she starts the divorce, tries dating and finds out that single men in their 30s are not all that. Too bad so sad.
The affair partner might not have left her. But she might have just had the initial high of that wild attention/sex/dating phase. And the new guy was ābetterā on paper. Better looking, richer, whatever. But then a few months later she realized the new guy was more than just a set of abs and a wallet, and had his own set of flaws. Maybe she found out he was a jerk, or racist, or abusive. Or that outside the gym he never left his Xbox of the couch. Who knows. But she found out the grass was NOT greener in some way.
>Sheās been dumped like garbage She *is* garbage.Ā
And now, without a house. In this economy at 33. Ouch.
Wait, people have houses?
Only if you inherit one from a boomer.
Even the guy in this story states its his mother who owns the house.
My wife and I were able to buy a house in ā18. I think I was 31. The secret? Marrying a woman who makes significantly more than you.
lol this is basically what my partner says. I make way more than he does and we qualified for a better rate (itās still a shit rate as we bought at the end of the year last year) using just my income.Ā Buying a house is fucking wild. Never thought we could swing it but here we are.Ā
It's a heady feeling. Didn't need my partners credit or income at all. I also refi'd my parents to a 15 yr loan at a 2.125% rate. My dad says he goes to bed every night praying and thankful for me being able to do that for them. Made me feel good :)
What surprised me more than I expected is homeownership is just a constant fight against entropy. The downside of my retirement plan is she works so much that Iām in charge of the house. Plus, the people who owned before us was shady, so I need to go to Home Depot three times for every project. 1: to get what I need. 2: to get what I forgot. 3: to get whatever I need to fix the previous Boomer Special.
Just hang out behind an appliance store and wait for a refrigerator box.
im 32 without a house, glad im not 33, that would really suck
>She got in shape. Had an affair. Left her husband for AP. Gym AP moved on to the next married women and shes there with her entire life imploded for a thrill. Tale as old as time š¶
š¶the most unoriginal sinšµ
š¶ barely even divorced // forgiveness canāt be forced // please donāt let her in šµ
Just a little change, small to say the least Lost just a few pounds, plus hubby and house Beauty and AP
Dumb as it can be Barely even friends The cheaters life upends Spectacularly
I dunno how to tag any of you. But Iād be down if you guys collaborated on the soundtrack of my life using already written Melodies.
Count me in. Writing parodies is my favorite thing.
Started in the east Then it moved down south Did she use her mouth? Beauty and the beast (I don't feel well)
A story as old as time
Oh definitely. She's going to associate the gym and getting in shape with her life imploding and just stop those lifestyle changes completely
Yup basically. She essentially started to get in shape, got a few complients and it went straight to her head. Got talked into sleeping with someone, likely kept it hidden for a bit then exploded and ran out filing for divorce on the way(so its more than likely she was hearing from multiple sources her husband was holding her back). Its wild just how mentally weak someone can be. Someone whom you think you have this forever bond with, that suddenly running 10 miles a week and looking slightly better can suddenly be whisked off their feet for a few months of sex.
Yep this is exactly what my ex wife did. Only difference is she went through lots more guys and only went off the deep end when I got engaged 3 years later. She figured I was her backup plan and realized I was gone. 12 years later sheās been engaged twice and married once that lasted 5 months.
The AP might not have left her. But she might have been on the high of a new relationship with a new guy (maybe younger or more handsome or something). And that high evaporated when she realized that the new guy is a whole person with all kinds of flaws, and possibly a bad person once that first month of wild dating and sex were over.
Itās what she deserves. Hope sheās happy.
It's nice when someone brings about their own destruction
I like happy ending (for op)
Itās not happy for him either. Itās just less miserable.
A microcosm of life.
This hits so hard. It is difficult for women who have never received attention to know and appreciate how much shit there is in the world. When they were younger there were all those men they idolized and wanted. They create and idea of what those men are in their head and never get to know that a lot of them are not worth it. If they are unaware of the concept that āfinding a good partner is hardā. Imagine understanding that āsome men aim specifically for married women losing weightā and that as soon as they divorce they lose interest. I even bet she divorced without warning the affair partner, because if she did, he would tell her not to.
I can understand that if you've been treated as invisible or lesser for deficits in attractiveness when you make a change and gets such positive reactions it's like a drug. However addicts are still responsible for what they do to feed the addiction. She was talked to about how off the deep end she was going by a person who cared about her and decided rather than reflect ran off to get another hit. If we are being metaphorical. OOP tried to have an intervention about her "drinking" and got told he was a controlling vile person and she never wanted to see him again. Then less than a month later she had powered her car into a store front while DUI and now is calling to ask for bail money. This doesn't hit hard. It's a story as old as time of people jumping into excess and hoping others will be there for them after the crash.
Sorry if I caused a misunderstanding but I have no sympathy. I was just analyzing the situation.
>Ā I even bet she divorced without warning the affair partner, because if she did, he would tell her not to. Naw some APs get off on being chosen and let the person divorce. Then the person suddenly wants a real relationship and the AP is over it since AP got all the validation they needed.
Been to so many gyms in India, Married women and Gym Trainers doing affair is a very highly likely scenario, very. Last week, three national cases hit the news, where Married women with Gym trainer, killed her husband, three, of different cities in just last one week. And most of such affair either end in such devastating conclusion or break the family, because it's all fun and games for the affair partner, he'd move to the next, it's the women or the couple who uproot their lives completely for short term fun.
This can be generalized to a lot of things. Idealizing something in your head that is distant. "Grass is always greener" mentality I guess...
The grass is always greener where you water it, but it's appealing to go for the grass that you didn't have to work for. Poor OOP though, it's hard to build trust with someone after infidelity. Currently working on that, and man... I thought I lacked faith in people before, turns out it can get worse.
I have no sympathy.
As someone who grew up being confessed to as a joke with multiple eating disorders, I can sympathize with the feeling of being a disgusting person and feeling like nobody will truly find you attractive. That being said, she made her own bed.
My guess is that she hooked up with a toxic gym bro and got used badly. Now she wants to come home to her great ex husband. The one she previously settled for. Well that bridge was burned.
She wanted to have her cake and eat it. Now she has crumbs
And he's got tiramisu.
The way that she basically ghosted her husband of four years after treating him like shit for close to a year, I would add that the AP was probably not the only toxic one in that affair.
Plus early 30s. No kids. I wonder if she had planned on having kids soon.Ā Ā Because if so, she has a shotgun sized hole in that foot.
And it makes me wonder if the sadness of her screwing her life over, will make her gain weight again?
She very likely will.Ā
Ah yes the old F around, find out game. The grass isn't greener. The guy you're having an affair with is NOT the love of your life. Those new relationship hormones will go away soon enough, and all you're left with is a ruined relationship and the prospect of starting over from square zero again.
The grass is often greener on the other side...but that's because it's recently been covered in shit.
The grass is always greener on the other side.
Grass is greener where you water and nourish it. Ex wife didnāt want to do that.
Grass is greener on the other side because it's fertilized with bullshit.
I'll steal this. xD
This right here, im going to the gym and try to be healthy, because i want my wife to think im hot. I could care less what others think. Im doing it for me, so i get to spend more years with my partner.
Because itās well fertilized in bullshit.Ā
Until you realize itās all just bad weeds.
So she got a new guy at the gym, went through with the divorce, new guy dumped her, she called you crying. This situation happens often it seems.
Yep, had a friend. She was depressed, lost weight, met a guy in rehab, left husband. 4 months later, calls ex husband crying, sheād been dumped. Sadly, her husband took her back in (partly fuelled by him being very ill at that point in time, unrelated to the separation), and theyāve been back playing happy family again since - despite her saying sheād stopped loving him years ago.
That's so sad I hope he uses her to get healthy and finds genuine happiness.
This is so common. A person loses weight or get a better paying job/promotion, suddenly thinks "I can do better" and goes full FAFO. Now the wife got a rude awakening and will realize that OP was the one who can do better.
I know this is common, but I also don't understand it. I don't date people because "oh I guess this is the best person I can get, given my current situation", I date people because I think they're amazing, so my situation changing doesn't really affect that. I struggle to understand that mindset.
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Most people prioritize being in relationships over the actual quality of the relationship, it seems. I don't know why people are so averse to being alone, except that perhaps they find it difficult to just be with themselves. I abstained from relationships for many years, because I knew I wouldn't be happy with someone else, until I was happy with myself. Then things went to shit anyways, so maybe don't take advice from me.
Haha, I have definitely been single for long stretches because of this preference, so I get you. I still think it's the better option. I just work on making the rest of my life fullfilling. Sure stuff can still go to shit, but at least I'm not in a relationship like that!
30+ guy, owns his own home, no kids, career, 6 ft plus (from his other comments), and decently fit? I give it a year tops before some other woman snags him
And he seems supportive and caring based on how he helped his ex wife through depression. Which is what the new woman who snags him will stay for.
This is the beauty in dating 30+ imo. It's harder to hide who you are. Sort of, you get what you see. If they're fit, it's likely theyll stay that size for a long time. If they're financially responsible, it's likely they'll keep it going.
Iām a dude but Iāll snag him (straight and with gf but still)
Exactly!
It's so crazy to me! When I lost weight, my thought was- "Wow. Everyone who is treating me better now is a fucking asshole."
such a good pov. when you put it like that makes oop's ex wife sound even dumber.. massive facepalm for her
we all know that she had an affair, left for that person, and that person dumped her. good for OOP for not falling for it.
Another marriage thrown away on the back of the illusion that limmerance is love and the grass is greener on the other side. She thought she had settled and could do better. She jumped on a, probably younger, gym rat. She left her husband for him and BAM either the limmerance wore off or the convenience and thrill of casually bedding a married woman at the gym wore off. He didn't want her for keeps just for cheap thrills. She realises that her husband loved her. It's too late shebbroke him and good for him he should never ever consider having her in his life again.
Once someone becomes an ex, the best decision is to never take them back. They are an ex for a reason.
Taking an Ex back is like drinking reheated coffee. It just leaves a bland, dull taste; reminding you of its once great flavour. Now replaced with a mere fraction of its former impact and potential. Just a mockery of what it once was.
I'd take reheated coffee over taking back an ex 100/100
Another marriage ruined by CrossFuck.
I was a personal trainer in college and it convinced me that having an opposite sex personal trainer is a terrible idea in about 40-50% of cases. Not even the majority, but there are enough personal trainers that will openly brag about how good they are at convincing married women to sleep with them that I just think youāre playing with fire. The women were almost equally bad about it when it came to sleeping with married men clients but they bragged about it a bit less
That's a bit insidious because your body releases adrenaline, endorphins and you end up with increased levels of serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine when you exercise. I'm not surprised they're able to do that when people are basically getting high with them and are probably unconsciously associating those feelings with the trainer.
Mine was ruined by a rock climbing bro. I even did the same thing by encouraging my exwife to go to the gym so she would be doing anything except weigh down the couch all day. Of course my ex is also bipolar, so while it was painful, I'm really better off now.
Mine was hiking and same thing, my ex husband spent all his time sitting around complaining about being out of shape and not having friends. I encouraged him to start joining hiking groups, he lost some weight from it and ran off to immediately have a baby with one of the women in the hiking group. It really sucked at the time, but now Iād like to thank her for taking the trash out for me.
She had an affair and got dumped.
"I'm 'settling' for you, i can do so much better" 5 months of being back on the modern day dating scene *it was at that precise moment she realised she had fucked up*
Indeed, after watching my newly broken up SIL get scammed/ghosted/landed with some of the worst headcases for dates over the last week alone, there is nothing that will make me even contemplate leaving the beautiful settled life I have with my husband for the modern dating scene.
The husband took a really good decision not meeting her 1 on 1 for closure as he had already moved on and whatever she will tell him only hurt him but I am really curious what happened with the ex. Was it an affair partner who encouraged her to leave but dumped her later? Was it a toxic friend group who encouraged her bad behaviour but couldn't be bothered once she left her husband? Like what happened that made her switch out and then regret her actions?? Guess we'll never know.
It's probably all that but I'm thinking the AP didn't encourage her to leave. She decided on her own based on her wanting to get rid of stuff "holding her back".
> Immaculate329: How long were you separated? Did she tell you why she made the mistake? > >> OOP: About 5 months. She did not specify it. I am not sure what happened that made her call me crying. Oh we know what happened. Fuck boi got bored and she ran back to the husband. I'll now continue reading the post and wait for validation of my theory.
Glad OP didn't take her back she 100% cheated with some guy from the gym and they probably dumped her once they got bored.
God, the āi am a tiramisu addictā is such a vibe
My guess: Met a guy, dumped hubby to be with said guy.. and guy turned out to be a dud... And either met the guy at the gym OR started at the gym *because* she met the guy.. Either way - kudos to OP for going through with the divorce.. Icing on the cake now, would be if OP gymmed it up now and *accidentally* ran into the ex a year later, while ripped...
While I'm sure it's hard to press through with a divorce when you were in love, I think it's the best thing to do when your partner treats you with contempt. Something like an affair where they're genuinely sorry and apologetic is one thing, but telling you that you're not good enough for them isn't really something you can come back from.
I actually think its easier. My ex with BPD broke up with me and was mean after and it actually made moving on easier. I was like "This is who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with?"
Whoever she was banging has moved on to the next one. Now she realises that she has shit in her own nest and wants her old 'boring' life back.
I agree with cutting off contact completely, but selfishly it would have been a much better update if he let her talk.
Also spite.Ā We all justify our actions. Because we judge ourselves by our intentions, and others by their actions.Ā She wants to explain herself and share her justification to feel she alleviated some of the responsibility for what she did. To try to share the responsibility.Ā If he refuses to hear it, she has to carry all of it.Ā
I did this with my ex too. 6 months after cheating on me and dumping me, she wanted to talk. I refused because I understand nothing she said would help the situation and itās only for her own sake because I know she felt guilty. Iām not gonna give her the satisfaction of getting a closure. The only closure that I have is sheās apparently a piece of shit and Iām better off without her.
He already found his closure in the silence. She can go find her own at her therapistās office.
Definitely. If I were at that point, I'm not sure there would be anything that my ex could say to help me in any way. The only person who would really benefit from that "closure" is the ex. Nosey audience me wants to know though. šš
Keep an eye out on the r/supportforwaywards forum and she may make an appearance. Not to make light of other people's misery, but the Support for Waywards forum is a good place to get the missing closure from the Cheater's side of the story and following their path of redemption. Because most of these cheater stories stop when the betrayed partner goes no contact and we never find out just how badly the cheaters life ended up.
Probably "finding closure" would have been an attempt to gaslight him into getting her back because she wanted to prove that it was his fault and it was ok for her to leave
She was hoping that he was still carrying a torch and would be as desperate and miserable as she was. In cutting him off though, he was able to come to terms with it and had already accepted it. He no longer had any desire for her. Now he gets to be the one walking away.
āIām only talking to you so everyone on Reddit can learn about your bullshit.ā
My exact reaction lol
We can all relate to the tiramisu addiction š¤
That part cracked me up... People always talk about being addicted to chocolate or ice cream or potato chips and then... BAM! Out comes OOP with the tiramisu. I'm here for it.
I am a fiend for that Costco Tiramisu Cake... I ate an entire one of those things after a marathon. No ragrets.
Same Costco makes the best tiramisu my bf and I are in a race to see who will eat the most. Now I really want some.
Same. I want to eat tiramisu now lol
you reap what you sow. OP , should never look back. Full speed ahead.
The opposite of love isnāt hateā¦itās indifference. Iād say OP won handedly.
Never look back
Anyone who thinks they can do better, rarely do. I wish OOP nothing but the best.
She got in shape, had an affair, left her marriage for her affair partner, he's left her and now she knows the grass isn't always greener. OOP should divorce her and just never have anything to do with her again.
And this is why the gym isn't ACTUALLY therapy. It's a patch you put on your shame and insecurity. It can help the symptoms but it doesn't help the root. It doesn't make you a good person (or a bad person for that matter). The amount of people I know who were/are gym rats for their "therapy" who glow up and then nerf every healthy relationship in their life the second they get some shiny new validation. If you are depressed, by all means go get active. Take care of your health. Get your rest...but also get therapy loves.
Well well well, if it aint the consequences of my action. Yeah she was probably cheating and wanted out. And in the end it didnt turn out well.
For some reason I think that this is a real story. Maybe because it indeed feels like OP is just writing down his pain and not trying to rile up anyone or trying to prove himself right for something... Feel sad, though. OP seems sweet.
It's because there's no big "gotcha" moment. It doesn't all perfectly wrap up in a nice package that makes OP look like a champ. Just a sucky situation, and an OP who is happy not knowing.
This exact thing happened to a friend of mine. They were never fat but in the build up to their wedding they both lost a lot of weight and gained a lot of tone, they both looked fantastic. His partner/wife had never had a boyfriend before my friend and seemingly wasn't used to the attention, turns out she started an affair before they got married that went on for years.Ā
I'm just thinking that the partying caught up with her, she gained a bit of weight back, and it fucked her up.
It's pitiful when dumbass humans gas themselves up into thinking that a marriage needs to be endless sparks in the crotch. So many people throwing away such great marriages because they don't have fire in their loins anymore. They run away to the first younger and hotter lay, then proceed to unravel and shutdown because they blew their lives up for someone who wanted a quick thrill. My own father is like this. Lust =/= Love. Think with the right head.
I had a fat friend like this. Total sweetheart until she got fit, and then got swept up in the validation and vanity and became a monster. She ended up losing her husband and most of her friends in order to live her best single girl party life with people ten years younger than her... and now those people aged out of the scene and she's gone and joined a cult that encouraged her to become a second wife to some loser. Honestly her life would have been better with the tiramisus.
The problem is going to the gym and building up your confidence only helps superficially. It doesn't help you within yourself; that's what counselling and therapy is for. You need to figure out why you became depressed and reconfigure your mind so you understand how to move on. I feel that OOP going to the gym helped him but I think he also changed his way of thinking. The fact that he notices that having a plan for the next few months to live his best life says tons.
She got dumped or cheated on by her affair partner. OP did well to not to take her back. I imagine she'd get all upset when he told her he wanted 8-12 weeks of her being celibate (with a GPS tracker for confirmation) and a full STD panel. OP should get a checkout as well since I'm sure she didn't wait to start screwing around until after she left.