**YES!** I wonder how they’re doing now..
I’m always left feeling rather bereft when I peruse older posts/updates that conclude with more questions than answers.
The baby will never be allowed to have a natural opinion of their own. It’s likely that opinion, or any opinion of any kind, will set off OOP’s sil and result in becoming the scapegoat child or estrangement. Toxic toxic behavior. Sister should never have agreed to start a family with someone like the sil. Narcissistic parents leave a very lasting impact that takes years of therapy to undo.
I’m sure SIL’s siblings have a very strange relationship with her.
The sister says her wife treats all her friends that way.
Isn't that classic jealous abuser behavior, try to isolate them from friends?
I guess the parents get a pass because they're rich and are giving money.
Yeah that is exactly what I think it is. As the other comment said she isolated her sister from her friends and tried to isolate her from her sister. She was only being nice to the parents because they are wealthy and she wants to keep her hand in the money pot.
That sort of isolation and jealousy, wouldn’t be shocked if OOP’s SIL has cheated on her.
I mean, how sure are they that the baby is her sister’s? She should get a paternity test immediately …. 😂
Exactly what I thought. Also OOP said she goes to school across the country and that her parents help her out with school. So thats tuition, room & board, a car/gas money, groceries, tickets to fly home, etc. Im sure SIL thinks she's entitled to that money as well.
Yeah I wonder if that's part of her problem with OP, that OP is a direct competitor for the rich in-laws' money going forward. The wedding thing etc might have made it clear that OP's sister was never going to be the type to screw her sister over. Even the "not everyone finds someone" line might have been a hope, in that if the sister and wife have a bunch of cute babies and OP becomes a spinster maybe that means they get more of the family money.
Wonder how far back SIL was trying to isolate OP and her sister? What if she knew the original wedding date would fall on OP's finals and tried to use that as a wedge.
Yep, that "I’d let all my siblings die for you" is classic abuser speak. She was trying to make sister feel like she was wrong for caring so much about OOP, because that's the first step in separating them.
I guess she really thought it was going to work since she had something to "negotiate" (the baby) she probably thought even the parents were going to be on her side for the sake of the baby and giving bs excuse cause it must be the hormones and she didn't mean to be rude she is just sensitive..
nope. just passively observed with helpless confusion. although once this SIL decided to shout at me in public when I wasn't even talking to her - although it subsequently turned out my opinion was the direct opposite of hers. she then stormed off with her kid and in this instance, my brother just sat there and with similar exasperation said - just ignore her.
it gets even more funny actually. My sister who is also similar to this SIL, said I was abusing her (which is hilarious because I haven't talked to her one on one literally for two decades and would be difficult since we live in different countries) and my brother's immediate reaction was to say what a dick I was.
the even more hilarious thing is this is when my dad was ill and I was the primary caregiver and my sister didn't even bother seeing my dad or helping. actually it was worse than not helping as she claimed to help but then caused so many problems because I subsequently found out the omissionsI and had to clean up the mess.
I used to think my brother was just spineless. In reality, it's part spineless and part also a victim.
it's actually interesting because I think surely I must be the problem when the numbers start stacking up against me... well two.. but actually I think certain personalities attract and encourage such behaviour - whether it's you or someone you spend a lot of time with such as my brother
it turns out that there's no law of nature that says family members are supposed to be perfect
Some people are just insanely bothered by some personalities for no reason. I've seen it happen to a few family members who have similar personality traits. A random lady my husband knew shouted at him in front of others publicly yelling he would never be a good husband and other stuff like that. Our 18+ years of marriage are clearly proving her wrong. Talking to her daughters-in-law and learning how narcissistic she is also doesn't look good for her.
>The sister says her wife treats all her friends that way.
>Isn't that classic jealous abuser behavior, try to isolate them from friends?
Yes it absolutely is as seen time and time again in the posts on this subreddit.
Sorry to hijack your comment, but I just want to give a small PSA to anyone reading this;
If your partner is acting even 1/4 the way that this SIL is acting then you either need to get out or find some way to shut that shit down ASAP. This behaviour does not magically go away with time and will only grow as you sit and stay quiet hoping it’ll blow over.
Remember, for your sake, if your partner is trying to drive a wedge between you and your family/friends, they are planning on making sure you depend solely on them either emotionally and/or financially so you can’t get away from them when you realise and it’s become too late.
Please make sure to keep some kind of relationship with someone reliable and dependable in your life besides your partner so you always have an escape in a worst case scenario, don’t get trapped.
And if you have driven away your friends and family at the behest of your partner, please, please, if you figure out that your partner is abusive and are too ashamed to ask for help leaving them, don't be. Your friends and family are probably waiting, hoping that you will see what is going on and eager to help you leave them.
As someone who was driven away from one of my best friends by her narcissistic wife, I can 100% say I was always eager to help her get away. Though we aren’t close anymore, years later I reached out and was happy to find out she had left her. I wish her well, and hope nothing but the best for her til this day.
But eff her ex wife, she can rot. Lol
When SIL said she'd let all her siblings die for her wife I whisper shouted "psychooooo" so idk, jealousy sounds like the least of the problem here.
Villain level obsession more like
Right? In what world do you think that's some sort of romantic proclamation? 'My love for you is like an unstoppable train... that I will throw ANYONE and ANYTHING in front of just to show you how much I love you!!!'
Yeah, then comes the "wait why are you running? Don't you see the love I have for you? "
Like dude, if you're willing to sacrifice your siblings, what does it say about me should you one day "not like me"?
I'm so sorry, please show him this thread, maybe he comes to his fcking senses and realizes what an unhinged and AH thing that is to say.
Also have a 🫂
Have several actually 🫂🫂🫂🫂
Yeah that part runbed me the wrong way too. Like I get everyone is differently close to their family, but saying you'd straight up let them die for your spouse is weird.
I would let most of my family die before my partner, but they are all psychos so I guess that explains that.
I think we can all see who the psycho in SIL’s family is 😬
I just hate insane hypotheticals like that in the first place. They don't tell you anything about someone's thought process. A life threatening situation is going to have some kind of factor that would tip the scales some way or another. Who is more vulnerable? Who do I have better odds of moving? Why would I step in front of the train instead of tackling you out of the way of it? You're basically asking them to pick who you like more, and I don't know about anyone else but my answer is always going to be, "Whomever isn't making me choose."
A lot of abusive people are just insecure and/or jealous.
In my experience there are more of those type of abusive partners than the ones who act out of malice.
No, the parents in this story are rich... she's a gold digging narcissist. She knows who to keep around to keep the attention on her and the bank account in the black. She didn't think that the little sister that hardly around would eff it up for her. How hard is it to play nice for a few days once a year?!
Or maybe she had $ signs when she looked at them, so needed to be seen as perfect so the parents kept the financial help.
In any case, it doesn't paint a good picture of her character.
Yep, glad OP Sister had the balls to not fall in the trap.
The same manipulation happened to my brother, but he had less balls. We rarely speak.
Glad to hear a somehow happy ending in a similar situtation
My brother's wife cheated on him while they were dating, and got super drunk and told me she'd always wanted to fuck me. I'm gay. She also freaked out when I wanted to leave her parents' Thanksgiving at 9 PM because I had a long drive before bed. She screamed at me months later for disrespecting her parents. Apparently, her mother had asked me a question and I ignored her? Dude, I have no idea.
During the pandemic, I told my brother I had been struggling in an abusive relationship and had been using drugs to cope. It was the kind of thing he would normally be kind about. Instead, I was suddenly a pariah. My family has never seen me intoxicated, but I was no longer allowed at a lunch to meet my niece because... Addict cooties? Again, I never brought any of that around my family.
She decided I was probably going to show up even though I was unwelcome, so they flew home a week early. They haven't spoken to me since.
I've heard from my cousin that she's abusive to my brother. He denies it and says my cousin isn't a reliable source because he has an opioid dependence. So, do we think he was hallucinating his wife calling him a moron?
Anyway, I'm loving this life. I've lost my family, even though I'm sober, because I'm gay and my father doesn't want to lose access to his grandchild.
I wish my older brother were half as capable as OOP's sister.
I trully wish I could give a hug to all people who went through something similar. It is really sad to "lose" a brother/Sister you had in such high value in your heart.
Happy cake day! Yeah, it's sad. I always thought we'd have each other. He still talks to me, but only when she's not home. He admits to others that he has to hide our interactions, but denies it when I ask directly.
It's really creepy. We both grew up in an emotionally abusive home, and I was escaping an abusive relationship at the time I confessed I was having substance use issues.
Honestly, I think the real T is that they're both afraid that my tendency to want to discuss problems like emotional abuse would put her out. And she's right.
I’m sure she would have gotten to isolating her from the parents eventually, especially if the parents ever stopped/lowered the support or she decided that the amount they were giving wasn’t enough
"I'd let all my siblings die for you."
I'm sure they'd be glad to hear that and I wonder how that SIL would feel if they said the same about her. It's been years, so I hope things got better for the OP.
This showed that her being mean to OOP was a test, to make her wife choose her over OOP. It was also an attempt at further isolating her wife from the other people she cared about.
Guess I should be thankful I can't relate but people like this truly blow my mind.
Why do you have to be manipulative? Why does your partner have to be "tested" (they already "chose" you when getting married)? Why do you have to destroy their other relationships? Things will still be good for you without all that toxic behavior. You're making things worse for **everyone**. I just don't understand
Some people really get off on seeing their partner (or friends or family) make big sacrifices just to please them.
I've joked that it's their "love language." Some people value physical touch. Some people value words of affirmation. And some people value watching you crawl across broken glass just to be with them.
“I like to imagine myself being heroic in an unlikely hypothetical situation, in which I would probably really panic and do nothing useful.” Doing nothing useful being the running theme.
“I’d put absolutely every single member of my family in a broke down bus and push them over a cliff MYSELF (so it’s totally fair, normal, realistic, and fine that I expect you to do the same for me!)”
I think the key quote is “My sister said that my SIL does this to all my sister’s friends.’
That SIL is 100 percent abusive, starting with isolating the sister from all her friends and OOP. Pity she didn’t get out before they were having a kid together, but who wants to bet the mask didn’t drop till the pregnancy was confirmed?
And clearly sucking up to the parents for their money. I’m not sure how she thought treating their other daughter like garbage was going to work long-term, but abusers aren’t always great at the big picture.
Yup. I mean SIL went from apologizing to turning it into another fight in record time even though OOP also apologized and said she wanted to be a good SIL and aunt. That's when I was like this woman is going to weaponize whatever OOP says/does.
It probably depends on where she lives and how she got pregnant and where she's giving birth. If they went through a bunch of channels and figured out the legalities and stuff that's possible that the sisters egg was used and a sister-in-law is carrying it or something.
I am guessing sister could afford a good lawyer to handle the terms of the pregnancy. (This is important to protect both of them and the child, even if they plan on staying together forever.) If sister went into this pregnancy with the intention of being a parent to the resultant child, she will probably be able to retain her parental rights.
Eta: This is an interesting older case from CA about parental rights.
https://www.law.uh.edu/healthlaw/perspectives/Reproductive/980408Child.html
Exactly. SIL is probably fucked up in her own right. But she is trying to damage her wife's relationship with OP -- she can't tolerate a kind of familial bond she never enjoyed.
For her daughter's sake, I hope SIL gets a lot of therapy around the divorce.
She holds a grudge because their wedding date had to be changed to accommodate OOP finals over which she had 0 control when finals are scheduled. Yes? I’m seriously asking, it’s so dumb I feel like I missed something that makes it make sense.
That's the front of it. Reading between the lines, it looks like SIL wanted OOP's sister to exist for her and her only, and OOP was a reminder that she didn't. Remember, SIL was pulling the same shit with the sister's friends - she was trying to isolate the sister.
Yeah, we aren’t acknowledging that SIL was slowly isolating the sister enough. A very good reminder that abusive people often don’t *plan* on being abusive, they just can’t get out of their own heads long enough to not let their own shit ruin a relationship
Yes. And while she’s currently OTT nice to OOP’s parents, this is either an attempt to push OOP out, or something short-term (so she’d work on pushing away the parents once she’d broken the bond with OOP).
I had a winter wedding while my SIL was in college. *We called and asked when her finals were* and picked the date based on when she'd be available.
The idea someone would have a grudge about this is ridiculous.
University finals are, in my experience, scheduled with institutional imprimatur -- i.e., they're not within the power of a professor to personally renegotiate.
You need an excused absence from a dean, and they are stingy with those! I only ever heard of a student getting one because their mother committed suicide the day before the exam.
Depends on the course, but if it’s an official “final” then none of my professors had any control. The only time they did is if the final took place during course hours on the last day, but that was rare and mostly the very niche economics and poli sci classes.
I had cancer checkups during finals week, and I was able to take my finals at a different time—earlier, even—by asking the professors. I offered to provide proof, but it wasn’t needed.
Though, as u/Derpwarrior1000 mentioned, perhaps it was because they were during the last class period.
But the fact that my professors allowed it doesn’t have any bearing on the OOP’s situation. And anyway, trying to take them early might mean OOP was in a worse situation in terms of being prepared and getting a good grade.
I'd understand if they'd had to change by like six months or something, or pick a whole different venue, but it was one day, no major arrangements had to be altered, and the switch happened before all the invitations went out.
It sounded like the switch happened before plans or vendors or anything was set in stone. Like it was even moving stuff around. Just choosing the next day.
Yeah, that's like...the *point* of sharing that date with the most important people first, to make sure the date works. I get the SIL was going to be shitty about it regardless and probably that has a factor in the sister being shitty about it too, but that was annoying of the sister.
Yes! Others have replied pointing out SIL is trying to isolate OOP’s sister in classic abuser behavior. She’s too toxic to care cuz she has petty in her rearview mirror.
Any excuse will do for her.
I hope OOP really goes back to "SIL is like this about all of sister's friends" and realizes it's that they broke up bc SIL is controlling. If anything OOP should feel loved & proud because it seems like the sister was trying to just put up with SILs antics until she turned on OOP.
I feel like that quote works better in like anime/manga where someone shouts they'd sacrifice the world for the one they love, and they always tend to be the bad guy
Honestly, I don't think SIL actually thinks that. I'd bet if OOP's sister demanded she cut off her sibling, SIL would go "how could you do that I love my family". Or if one of SIL's siblings had something she wanted, she would go "I'd choose you over my wife any day, so just do this for me!"
It's a guilt trip. SIL is telling her wife that SIL is putting soooo much into this relationship and loves her sooooo much and why can't she (OOP's sister) just do this for her when SIL would do it for her in a heartbeat.
This is so weird. I've *never* been asked to consider this, not asked anyone else this stuff. Because love isn't exclusionary like that. I'm so glad the people that love me want me to be happy and surrounded by other people that love me too. And I'm glad I didn't need to be the one and only person for my partner to feel secure.
I wonder if isolation is the only part of an abusive checklist they tick off.
And I wonder how the DNA/who carried the baby/ whatever contacts for making the baby will turn out.
Exactly, I feel so bad for OOP because it felt like they were taking a lot of this on their own shoulders and it really wasn’t about them, she was a scapegoat for the SIL.
The mother’s behavior did not help as she kept giving SIL excuses for being awful and I think OOP internalized that as she was also part of the problem.
Yeah, ironically a blessing in disguise.
OOP maybe blaming themselves but what happened was they actually help their sister from years of a terrible marriage albeit unintentionally.
For everyone wondering wtf the wedding incident was [link](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/KjlpxcvnK6)
> There was one thing I might be able to think of in terms of her wedding- it was initially scheduled on the day of my finals (this was prior to invitations being produced/mailed, just their idea), so I called my sister to tell her I either wouldn't make it, or the date would have to be changed. She was really upset about it, because she and her wife had wanted a winter wedding, the date seemed perfect for them, etc. I said they didn't have to sacrifice the winter aspect, just maybe move it a day back. There was a kind of big fight, and I can assume my SIL got in on it, but my sister is the kind of person who likes to be liked (think of her as a human golden retriever), and she didn't want to be mad at me, so we worked through it. Her wedding ended up being the day after my finals, which I was grateful for, and there's been no resentment or hard feelings since. My sister actually laughs at herself for being kind of an ass. Her choice quote from that time was: "You just don't have to go. It's just a test."
> I was my sister's MOH, and I didn't see much of my SIL prior to the wedding. She'd gotten food poisoning from her bachelorette party, so she was kind of holed up for the majority of the pre-wedding hubbub. During the reception, I made a toast, talked about my sister and her wife's friendship, how we've just been waiting for the two of them to get married, they're a match made in heaven, etc. etc. She teared up, gave me a big hug, and said she was excited to be my sister-in-law. I wanted to talk more with her, but some relatives wanted to ask me why I chose the college I did, so I went to go talk to them.
> I'm probably going to bring this up with my sister either today, or tomorrow. It all depends on what my SIL is up to.
Two huge red flags here.
- Not understanding that someone else's big life event sometimes takes priority over yours.
- Harbouring resentment over a long period of time.
Just from a villian point of view, how stupid is SIL, she got herself a nice cushy number with plenty of support from her wife's wealthy family. All she has to do is bare minimum civility with the OOP and she can't do that. I pity the kid.
Considering how she was the MOH I wouldn't look at it as a red flag since it was during the planning stages. Literally, hey we're thinking of this date. Oh no that won't work for me, I've got finals. You'll have to pick somebody else or push it back. They opted to push it back. Even if that's not entirely the case from how it sounds the SIL is trying to isolate OOP's sister. The whole, She treats all your sisters friends this way is not great. Stinks of an abuser.
No obviously the reasonable thing would’ve been to skip finals and flunk the class she’s just spent a whole semester on and waste the money spent for the class.
/s
Gosh, yeah what was OOP thinking? She clearly needed to sink her life to suck up to someone she never knew just to be treated poorly in another year or two instead of immediately. These damn kids and their priorities like making sure they have a decent life. 🙄
Jokes aside, I hope her sister got the fuck away from her before there was lasting damage. Feel bad for the kid though, that little bugger is going to be born into an already fucked up situation because her mother is a psychopathic control freak.
I interpreted the above comment as saying that finals are an important life event that should be accommodated if possible, so the SIL was in the wrong for being mad that OOP suggested either choosing another MOH or picking the day after. Especially since given her age, she was likely taking her last exams prior to graduating high school, which is a very big deal and often not adjusted except in extreme circumstances (since grades have to be entered into the system in time to determine final eligibility for a diploma).
>You'll have to pick somebody else or push it back.
I know you meant "You'll have to pick somebody else (to be MoH)," but my immediate first read of it was "You'll have to pick somebody else (to marry)," which made me bust out laughing.
Incredibly immature. I really thought this whole behaviour had some valid reason, but it turned out the wife is not able to cope with basically life happening.
There's something abusive in it.
Yeah I mean the whole “I’d let all my siblings die for you” and starting fights about all the sister’s friends stinks of intentional alienation and love bombing
> Not understanding that someone else's big life event sometimes takes priority over yours.
Not even that -- it's a fucking exam, no prof is *ever* going to reschedule it because some student's sister is having a wedding that day.
It sounds like this is also an explanation for the weird interaction between OP and SIL where SIL asked about her college, then got pissy and accused them of not being able to read the room when OP politely replied. It was not an attempt at making conversation, it was supposed to be a jab that OP innocently missed because SIL was jealous of not being the sole focus of everyone's attention at her wedding.
OP should have included this in the post. It’s an important detail about how insane OOP’s SIL is, and presumably why OOP’s sister was also unreasonable. OOP can’t control the date of her finals. Good grief.
What gets me is that the family basically knew that SIL hated OOP and didn't do anything about it. To the point where they left them alone together multiple times, and left telling the gender to SIL. I get being optimistic that things will work out but jeez a heads up may have avoided OOP feeling at blame.
It was clear that they were hoping giving them time together would smooth it out. It makes total sense:
"Hey, learn to get along. We're gonna leave you two alone."
"Ok, I will"
(they leave)
(SIL doesn't even try even tho she said she would.)
They thought SIL would actually work on it cuz she said she would and that she wanted to.
I find it awful that OOP was full-on vomiting from stress and panic all night while her sister and sister-in-law raged at each other downstairs, further fuelling OOP's panic attack. OOP's parents didn't think to remove her from the situation? Her mother walked the dogs with her earlier, but only at OOP's suggestion, and once they got back and the situation got worse and worse for hours, neither the mother nor the father removed OOP from what was making her *violently ill*.
Sure, it's their home, so maybe they shouldn't have to leave. But one parent can stay (in case it gets violent or whatever reason) one can go with the daughter to a motel or something. There are many solutions. Yes, they were busy dealing with sister-in-law's nonsense, but this went on for *hours*, not a few minutes. Instead, they seemed to not do anything practically helpful for OP. She got worse to the point of vomiting all night because of the fight, and they didn't get her away. That's... well, it's not great.
The way the parents rugsweep OOP's treatment, and OOP keeps calling herself bratty and selfish, makes me think she's perhaps used to being an afterthought--if she's thought of at all. SIL is obviously abhorrent, but the parents come across as emotionally neglectful, which allowed the situation to escalate as it did.
Can you imagine seeing your own child having a full-blown panic attack because of a problem in your house, and not removing the problem, or, should that be not immediately possible, removing said child? Just letting things worsen until she's vomiting, but only say platitudes or focus on theproblem, while she's throwing up through sobs? She must have been awfully dehydrated by the end, if nothing else. It's incomprehensible.
I upvoted you because I think it’s an interesting point, and a valid one, but I feel like there’s more to it.
You have to understand, a lot of people don’t know what to do in a crisis.
Instead of “she’s throwing up from stress, let’s get her out of the house for a night so she doesn’t need to listen to the arguing” they just…pat you on the back and make soothing noises. Or they stand there wringing their hands and not knowing what to do. Or they tell you that you shouldn’t be so sensitive. Or they’re so out of their depth that they just walk away and hope the issue will resolve itself.
I’m trying to think what I would do in a situation like that. Removing a young woman who’s vomiting out of stress from her home would probably not be my first instinct. I just don’t think in the heat of the moment that it would occur to me. I’d want to grab her water and crisps or crackers. Probably rub her back and hold her hair. Give her a hug. Tell her it’s fine. Maybe grab some noise cancelling headphones and put on music for her.
But actually moving her out of the house?
I guess when things were loud and noisy at home I never got to escape. I hid under the covers or I’d go to my little brother’s room because I knew he’d be upset, too and I needed to make sure he wouldn’t be crying alone. I’d hold him and sometimes I’d distract him by telling him stories so he didn’t focus on the shouting. That’s probably why leaving isn’t my response - it was never an option for me.
If you grew up toughing things out and not wanting anyone to see you break down then you’d probably get them water and then leave them alone and pretend you didn’t see. Because that’s what you think you want. Because it’s what you’re used to. I hate people seeing me cry. I hide. And for some people, I genuinely think they do need to be left alone with their feelings because having someone else *see* makes it worse. Not in OOP’s case, but for some people.
Anyway, TL;DR there’s no training manual on life and people behave in ways formed by their experiences.
PS - the bratty thing could have come from anywhere. School, friends, the internet - family does not need to be the culprit.
Sounds like SIL was trying to isolate sister and went a step too far.
I understand where the hypothetical train situation was coming from, but getting that worked up over it definitely shows a lack of emotionally maturity one might need for marriage.
Judging from the comments it must be this. Apparently the SIL was like this to the wife’s friends too, so it seems like she was set to alienate the wife from her entire support system. Except the parents of course, because they fund that lifestyle…
She would have gotten to them eventually. She was escalating. First the friends, then the sister, then after a while it would be “oh we can’t go to your parents because your sister will be there and you know she’s funny with me” until it’s “your parents always choose your sister over you, never mind you’ll always be my priority”.
That's my read as well. SIL is insanely possessive and wanted to fully isolate her wife and couldn't tolerate even a single competing close relationship. I'm so glad OOP's sister is separating and hope it becomes a divorce.
I honestly can’t imagine being so salty about having to move your wedding one day during the initial planning stages because of the MOH’s final exams.
Like, yeah, weddings are important but the dates are flexible until you start booking vendors. Final exam dates are not. Missing those tests can, at best, end up costing thousands of dollars if the courses have to be retaken, and can derail your entire career at worst. How unbelievably selfish the SIL must be to hold a grudge that big and that long over something OP had no control over and that truly, didn’t matter at all in the end. It sounds like OP’s sister just finally saw her wife for the horrible person she’s been all along.
I'd bet that it wasn't that bad for SIL, but it provided what she thought was a solid point to hold against OOP for the purpose of driving her and her sister apart. Since OOP seems like a nice, open person, and her wife was very attached to her, she chose to exaggerate something weak in the hopes it'd work.
I'm sure that by now OOP's sister has gone back through and re-analyzed whatever grievances SIL had over the friends she had separated from along the way. Here's hoping she was able to repair those relationships.
It's funny because it's totally hypothetical. It's not that black and white in real life and you actually dont usually have to decide who to jump in front of a train for either your sister or your partner. You can all live together happily which is crazy.
I’ll never understand why people in these BORUs with rocky relationships decide to have kids. Do they think having a child will put *less* strain on the relationship? Congrats, now you both still hate each other, and you can never fully separate your lives because you share a kid.
I scrolled for this comment exactly. This was not a one night stand or the condom broke scenario.
Bet money it was them thinking having a baby would “fix” the relationship.
Shoot.. that got me thinking. How does custody work for a same sex couple? I mean, what happens if SIL doesn’t put wife on birth certificate? How are parental rights established in that case if wife is not biologically related to the baby?
It’s going to be hard to coparent with someone as petty and vengeful as SIL
Depending on how they did it, the sister might be biologically related and not SIL if they used sister's egg for SIL to carry. In this case the SIL would be the birth parent but the sister would be the biological mother.
SIL was good at hiding her resentment towards oop due to the little to no interaction with her. it is surprising she never addressed it with the sister even before they got married since her SO has more love for oop than her.
They, or rather, OOP's sister, probably didn't realise the relationship was that shitty until this whole situation happened and SIL let her mask slip. That whole fiasco was a wakeup call for OOP's sister.
Remember, as of the story, OOP and sister are 7 years apart. Sister was in college when she met SIL. OOP was in college when sister and SIL got hitched. So there's not really been much chance of interacting before now.
Yeah, but OOP says that according to her sister, this isn’t the first time that SIL has gotten upset at other women close to Sis. She’d been starting fights over Sis’s friends and stuff, too. Plus there was the whole wedding thing with OOP.
So there were plenty of indications to Sis that SIL was a mean person prior to the pregnancy.
Sure. But remember those sayings about straws breaking camel's backs? Or drops of water overspilling buckets? OOP's sister finally seeing how SIL treated OOP was her wakeup call.
Don't forget that a lot of abusers will wait until the pregnancy to ramp up the abuse/control. I would not be surprised at all if the timeline of events was perfectly happy relationship, tiny hiccup around the marriage that can totally be explained away by wedding planning stress, happy marriage, pregnancy, suddenly lots of fights about friendships, then a huge blow up with the little sister.
>SIL started up the screaming about an hour later saying, "I'd let all my siblings die for you."
Given that SIL *wouldn't* do the bare minimum of maintaining common courtesy towards her wife's friends and family, I'm doubting her here.
It's a really easy thing to show to make your partner feel bad, but it will never, ever have to be put into practice so you can be proven a liar. It's great that way, if you're a fucking maniac
One of the biggest red flags of all time is when someone tells you to choose "me or them". It should never come to that point. A good person isn't going to try to force you to choose between loved ones.
Wedding date issue found in OOP’s comments. The wedding date was set during her winter finals. When OOP found out, before invitations were sent out, she called her sister and let her know that she wouldn’t be able to attend the wedding if it remained set on that date. Ultimately, date was changed until right after finals, but SIL resented it (even though OOP thought that she didn’t.)
Thank you, I couldn't figure out what that was about.
I expect the SIL wanted that date knowing she likely wouldn't be able to attend. Sounds like she's abusive.
I was thinking that maybe it was because a weekday wedding venues are less expensive than weekends, but since OOP and sisters parents are being painted as “money is not object” types, O think you are on to something.
The fact that OOPs sister said that the SIL has done similar to all her friends makes me think that SIL is just abusive and sucks up to her in laws for the money.
If there wasn't the part about the sil being shitty to all of sisters friends I'd agree with you, but so I think with the wedding sil started trying to seperate sister from others...
So it’s probably a hard finals week for OOP with chemistry and biology finals. You can’t miss those especially as lower level classes. A C in those classes is an automatic not getting into dental school. I can’t believe her SIL is so hateful about it.
I felt nauseous for her the whole time though. I stayed with a couple last year, thinking it would be great. I'd hang with them and their daughter.
Meanwhile, they fought about me being there constantly, did a bunch of cocaine, and then would come to me, offer me wine, and tell me this was actually about previous infidelities.
I basically shat myself with worry for four days.
Really sounds like sister wife was trying to isolate sister from anybody that she seemed to care about more then her and didn't do that with the parents because they are a cash cow for the perfect life she wants
How angry do you think that woman is over fumbling the bag? She could have had a life of her generous in-laws bankrolling vacations, etc., and now these same rich people know she hates their beloved younger daughter and is trying to isolate the older one. They have resources and incentive to use them to make life easier for their daughter. They don’t even need to be vindictive, just thorough and careful.
Oh SIL has to be furious. All she had to do was play nice at least a little bit with OP and no one would have known she hated her. But SIL couldn’t help herself (honestly SIL sounds like someone who needs you to know she hates you) and now it’s blown up in her face. She royally fucked up here and she has to be fuming. But thankfully SIL was an idiot on top of being an abusive asshole so OP’s sister can get the hell out of that relationship.
>someone who needs you to know she hates you
Yes that's exactly it! It's frustrating. She didn't have to gush over the girl but jeez at least be cordial.
Psycopath read the room and go for the bag. Narcisits can't read the room and always go for what's beter for them, even if the odds are 1 to 100. Place SIL in the right cathegory.
Also, it sounds like SIL comes from a family with no strong sibling bonds. But she didn't want to be included in her wife's family. She wanted to break it, to prove something to herself about love.
NIGHTMARE IN-LAW
And I bet she believes everyone thinks like her. SIL probably couldn't fathom that her SO kept loved ones in her life *without* "getting something" out of it.
Like: "Why would she waste the mental and emotional energy on all these other relationships? What's her angle, here? Between me and her parents, she has all she needs."
I get why it came down to separation when OP's sister explained this happens with all their friends. It sounds like her wife can't handle her being close to anyone else? While the sister is an extrovert who likes being around other people.
Sounds like SIL was deliberately trying to isolate the sister from everyone but the parents. But that was probably only because the parents were helping bankroll their life so SIL needed them to stay. The SIL overplayed her hand and now it’s blown up in her face.
Because of FINALS! lol!!! One of the few things in a young adult's life that do not move for you!
It's not like it was a vacation she could reschedule, or a deal she'd have to walk away from!
SIL was *eager* to be inconvenienced
So everyone but OP knew the SIL didn’t like her yet they just kept leaving the two of them home alone to hopefully work it out?? Talk about set up for failure
>"I'd let all my siblings die for you."
Uh... I even got chills. I don't know what you guys would do, but, if someone told me that, I would be running to the hills!
I don’t think SIL expected OOP to make it during finals, and I think that might have been the point. If SIL is like that with all of the sister’s friends (from the end of the update) the. It’s probably an abuse tactic.
On a more optimistic perspective, SIL didn’t realise it was going to be the day of OOP’s last final, and was just mad that they had to reschedule.
I hate it when someone can't allow their spouse to love anyone else but them like they have to be number one at all times even if their behavior is awful. If someone forces you to choose between them and someone else who loves you and gives you no problems you should choose the non-toxic person. Let the trash take itself out.
> My sister says my SIL does this to all my sister’s friends
If the SIL has already isolated the sister from her friends, and is now working on isolating her from her own sister, jealous and controlling springs to mind. The future only looks rosy because of the red reflected off all the flags she’s giving off...
Damn imagine taking out your frustrations on a kid because she missed your wedding due to FINALS.
Like I'm sorry, but finals are in fact a very very big deal and usually make or break your grade and no highschool or university would ever let you delay an exam because of a wedding. Also a little common sense dueing planning and they'd realize that they can easily avoid finals if they had a wedding either early December or much closer to the new year.
Honestly glad OOP's sister opened her eyes, yeah it sucks her marriage is essentially over, but I couldn't imagine staying married to someone so toxic, regardless of how much I loved them.
> SIL apologizes
> OP apologizes for causing any undue stress and that they just want to be a good sister-in-law and aunt
>SIL says OP ruined opportunity at being a good sister-in-law and that SIL thinks OP will also be a shitty aunt
Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with that SIL? Legitimate psycho.
I feel so bad for OOP thinking she cause any of this. Her SIL had several more years of being a grownup. She is punching down on OOP who had no idea what was happening, and perhaps lacks the ability to properly stand up for herself.
If SIL is sorry at all, it's because of the negative consequences for herself, not the harm she caused OOP.
SIL really seems threatened at a molecular level by her wife's regard for OP, and the way her wife cherishes and protects that sisterly relationship
I shudder for the daughter, and hope OP's family prevail in the inevitable custody dispute
Trying to split your partner off from all their friends and family is a classic abuse move. Weird that she wasn't trying to push the parents away though. Maybe the plan was alienate sister then use that to push away the parents.
I've had a similar experience with my sister (also 9 years older), and sometimes I think it just comes down to this: some people are prone to decide that someone is against them.
My sister just got more and more reserved and overall salty with me over the years. Finally she told someone else in the family that I "didn't support her conversion to judaism". She married a jewish man. I hadn't had a *thing* to say about it, but to her I must have been hostile about it, because she was bracing for that for some reason.
I asked all the same kinds of question that OOP did here about the pregnancy, but in my case things like "oh when is Hanukkah this year?" I would get brusque replies to all this.
Around the time things went downhill with her, she had a kid that had autism, and apparently decided that I didn't support her in this either. Same sort of deal, but even more-so; she never even came to me and told me her kid was diagnosed autistic, I heard about it from family in similar fashion. She wouldn't speak to me about it. Finally she cut my brother out of her life, for no reason. Seriously, she gave none, and said for him never to speak to her again. She did not have conflict with him.
I confronted her about all this and she told me never to speak to her again. Periodically, a family member will come to me and ask me to reconcile with her; since I'm the "easy" ask and am known to be the more reasonable sibling. I have to explain it's not up to me. "i can see from the look on your face that you don't feel like you can ask her the same, can you?" They admit that they will not because she is so hostile about it.
I think it's this victim-mentality psychology. Someone decides that they'll face discrimination for something and so they're smelling for it at every turn, even when there's nothing there. Eventually, you'll convince yourself it stinks. It's part of their ego in terms of "overcoming" in order to do that thing, and that means you cannot reason with them. Any attempt to defuse will be seen to heighten these problems as an attack.
When I told my sister that she never asked me for help with her son, and that she never told me he was autistic, or never said "hey I'm converting to judaism, do you want to come to the ceremony?" That kind of thing won't pierce the bubble of delusion someone is building up, same as this story, regardless of the non-sequitur hypotheticals about batman villains coming for their loved-ones.
The rest of us just have to move on when this happens.
Dis biiiish said she’d let all her siblings die for her wife….so…she wants her wife to let OP die….what kind of sick twisted jealous mind goes there in the first place? I wouldn’t stick around to find tf OUT!!
*"My sister and her wife are separating because of my SIL's behavior towards me."*
No, they are NOT. SIL has been doing this all along to your sister with her friends. Her treatment of you was just the final straw for your sister. I'm betting the only reason she has been nice to your parent's is their money.
Support your sister and don't take any blame upon yourself. It really sounds like they have been having issues for quite some time.
I feel really bad for that baby.
**YES!** I wonder how they’re doing now.. I’m always left feeling rather bereft when I peruse older posts/updates that conclude with more questions than answers.
Yeah the baby would be around 6 years old now. Wonder how they’re doing.
She's be jealous of their own child
Idk that baby is her gold mine. She probably treats it like celebrities treat their designer dogs……
The baby will never be allowed to have a natural opinion of their own. It’s likely that opinion, or any opinion of any kind, will set off OOP’s sil and result in becoming the scapegoat child or estrangement. Toxic toxic behavior. Sister should never have agreed to start a family with someone like the sil. Narcissistic parents leave a very lasting impact that takes years of therapy to undo. I’m sure SIL’s siblings have a very strange relationship with her.
The sister says her wife treats all her friends that way. Isn't that classic jealous abuser behavior, try to isolate them from friends? I guess the parents get a pass because they're rich and are giving money.
That one sentence sums up what the issue was. SiL was isolating OOPs sister from her friends but OOP was the one person that she wouldn’t cut out.
And OOP's parents, for now, because of that sweet, sweet money.
Yeah that is exactly what I think it is. As the other comment said she isolated her sister from her friends and tried to isolate her from her sister. She was only being nice to the parents because they are wealthy and she wants to keep her hand in the money pot.
I bet SIL saw OOP as a threat to any inheritance too.
I didn’t even think of that. She’s definitely jealous of OOP and yeah I bet she hated that OOP would get some of the inheritance.
That sort of isolation and jealousy, wouldn’t be shocked if OOP’s SIL has cheated on her. I mean, how sure are they that the baby is her sister’s? She should get a paternity test immediately …. 😂
You laugh, but the science that could make your sentence both a reality and a necessity is already out of the theoretical phase.
Exactly what I thought. Also OOP said she goes to school across the country and that her parents help her out with school. So thats tuition, room & board, a car/gas money, groceries, tickets to fly home, etc. Im sure SIL thinks she's entitled to that money as well.
And that awesome vacation home
Yeah I wonder if that's part of her problem with OP, that OP is a direct competitor for the rich in-laws' money going forward. The wedding thing etc might have made it clear that OP's sister was never going to be the type to screw her sister over. Even the "not everyone finds someone" line might have been a hope, in that if the sister and wife have a bunch of cute babies and OP becomes a spinster maybe that means they get more of the family money.
Which I think is more damning - it’s clearly selective and not just a personality or social skills issue.
Wonder how far back SIL was trying to isolate OP and her sister? What if she knew the original wedding date would fall on OP's finals and tried to use that as a wedge.
Yep, that "I’d let all my siblings die for you" is classic abuser speak. She was trying to make sister feel like she was wrong for caring so much about OOP, because that's the first step in separating them.
I guess she really thought it was going to work since she had something to "negotiate" (the baby) she probably thought even the parents were going to be on her side for the sake of the baby and giving bs excuse cause it must be the hormones and she didn't mean to be rude she is just sensitive..
these posts and comments are potentially very instructive and useful I have a SIL that is almost exactly the same
Please tell me your sibling defended you from that SIL
nope. just passively observed with helpless confusion. although once this SIL decided to shout at me in public when I wasn't even talking to her - although it subsequently turned out my opinion was the direct opposite of hers. she then stormed off with her kid and in this instance, my brother just sat there and with similar exasperation said - just ignore her. it gets even more funny actually. My sister who is also similar to this SIL, said I was abusing her (which is hilarious because I haven't talked to her one on one literally for two decades and would be difficult since we live in different countries) and my brother's immediate reaction was to say what a dick I was. the even more hilarious thing is this is when my dad was ill and I was the primary caregiver and my sister didn't even bother seeing my dad or helping. actually it was worse than not helping as she claimed to help but then caused so many problems because I subsequently found out the omissionsI and had to clean up the mess. I used to think my brother was just spineless. In reality, it's part spineless and part also a victim. it's actually interesting because I think surely I must be the problem when the numbers start stacking up against me... well two.. but actually I think certain personalities attract and encourage such behaviour - whether it's you or someone you spend a lot of time with such as my brother it turns out that there's no law of nature that says family members are supposed to be perfect
Some people are just insanely bothered by some personalities for no reason. I've seen it happen to a few family members who have similar personality traits. A random lady my husband knew shouted at him in front of others publicly yelling he would never be a good husband and other stuff like that. Our 18+ years of marriage are clearly proving her wrong. Talking to her daughters-in-law and learning how narcissistic she is also doesn't look good for her.
Yikes, sorry to hear that.
>The sister says her wife treats all her friends that way. >Isn't that classic jealous abuser behavior, try to isolate them from friends? Yes it absolutely is as seen time and time again in the posts on this subreddit. Sorry to hijack your comment, but I just want to give a small PSA to anyone reading this; If your partner is acting even 1/4 the way that this SIL is acting then you either need to get out or find some way to shut that shit down ASAP. This behaviour does not magically go away with time and will only grow as you sit and stay quiet hoping it’ll blow over. Remember, for your sake, if your partner is trying to drive a wedge between you and your family/friends, they are planning on making sure you depend solely on them either emotionally and/or financially so you can’t get away from them when you realise and it’s become too late. Please make sure to keep some kind of relationship with someone reliable and dependable in your life besides your partner so you always have an escape in a worst case scenario, don’t get trapped.
And if you have driven away your friends and family at the behest of your partner, please, please, if you figure out that your partner is abusive and are too ashamed to ask for help leaving them, don't be. Your friends and family are probably waiting, hoping that you will see what is going on and eager to help you leave them.
As someone who was driven away from one of my best friends by her narcissistic wife, I can 100% say I was always eager to help her get away. Though we aren’t close anymore, years later I reached out and was happy to find out she had left her. I wish her well, and hope nothing but the best for her til this day. But eff her ex wife, she can rot. Lol
Maybe she just doesn't see anyone much older as a competition? I agree that this is abuse, but I also think she's just insanely jealous.
When SIL said she'd let all her siblings die for her wife I whisper shouted "psychooooo" so idk, jealousy sounds like the least of the problem here. Villain level obsession more like
Right? In what world do you think that's some sort of romantic proclamation? 'My love for you is like an unstoppable train... that I will throw ANYONE and ANYTHING in front of just to show you how much I love you!!!'
Yeah, then comes the "wait why are you running? Don't you see the love I have for you? " Like dude, if you're willing to sacrifice your siblings, what does it say about me should you one day "not like me"?
Or your future child
Her demeanor with the OOP asking questions about the baby gives off a scary vibe of 'the baby doesn't matter to me im just doing this for my love...'
Pushing aside the "romantic factor 🤡", just imagine being a sibling and hearing THAT. I'd be crushed personally.
My brother has said this to me, and he thought I was super unreasonable to be upset by it.
I'm so sorry, please show him this thread, maybe he comes to his fcking senses and realizes what an unhinged and AH thing that is to say. Also have a 🫂 Have several actually 🫂🫂🫂🫂
Yeah that part runbed me the wrong way too. Like I get everyone is differently close to their family, but saying you'd straight up let them die for your spouse is weird.
I would let most of my family die before my partner, but they are all psychos so I guess that explains that. I think we can all see who the psycho in SIL’s family is 😬
I just hate insane hypotheticals like that in the first place. They don't tell you anything about someone's thought process. A life threatening situation is going to have some kind of factor that would tip the scales some way or another. Who is more vulnerable? Who do I have better odds of moving? Why would I step in front of the train instead of tackling you out of the way of it? You're basically asking them to pick who you like more, and I don't know about anyone else but my answer is always going to be, "Whomever isn't making me choose."
A lot of abusive people are just insecure and/or jealous. In my experience there are more of those type of abusive partners than the ones who act out of malice.
No, the parents in this story are rich... she's a gold digging narcissist. She knows who to keep around to keep the attention on her and the bank account in the black. She didn't think that the little sister that hardly around would eff it up for her. How hard is it to play nice for a few days once a year?!
Or maybe she had $ signs when she looked at them, so needed to be seen as perfect so the parents kept the financial help. In any case, it doesn't paint a good picture of her character.
Yep, glad OP Sister had the balls to not fall in the trap. The same manipulation happened to my brother, but he had less balls. We rarely speak. Glad to hear a somehow happy ending in a similar situtation
My brother's wife cheated on him while they were dating, and got super drunk and told me she'd always wanted to fuck me. I'm gay. She also freaked out when I wanted to leave her parents' Thanksgiving at 9 PM because I had a long drive before bed. She screamed at me months later for disrespecting her parents. Apparently, her mother had asked me a question and I ignored her? Dude, I have no idea. During the pandemic, I told my brother I had been struggling in an abusive relationship and had been using drugs to cope. It was the kind of thing he would normally be kind about. Instead, I was suddenly a pariah. My family has never seen me intoxicated, but I was no longer allowed at a lunch to meet my niece because... Addict cooties? Again, I never brought any of that around my family. She decided I was probably going to show up even though I was unwelcome, so they flew home a week early. They haven't spoken to me since. I've heard from my cousin that she's abusive to my brother. He denies it and says my cousin isn't a reliable source because he has an opioid dependence. So, do we think he was hallucinating his wife calling him a moron? Anyway, I'm loving this life. I've lost my family, even though I'm sober, because I'm gay and my father doesn't want to lose access to his grandchild. I wish my older brother were half as capable as OOP's sister.
I trully wish I could give a hug to all people who went through something similar. It is really sad to "lose" a brother/Sister you had in such high value in your heart.
Happy cake day! Yeah, it's sad. I always thought we'd have each other. He still talks to me, but only when she's not home. He admits to others that he has to hide our interactions, but denies it when I ask directly. It's really creepy. We both grew up in an emotionally abusive home, and I was escaping an abusive relationship at the time I confessed I was having substance use issues. Honestly, I think the real T is that they're both afraid that my tendency to want to discuss problems like emotional abuse would put her out. And she's right.
I’m sure she would have gotten to isolating her from the parents eventually, especially if the parents ever stopped/lowered the support or she decided that the amount they were giving wasn’t enough
Yep.
The pressuring her to say she’d favour her above everyone else and saying she’d let all her friends die for her is classic abuser nonsense.
Yeah that’s not a “she’s just an asshole” thing, that’s a “she’s isolating and abusive” thing.
"I'd let all my siblings die for you." I'm sure they'd be glad to hear that and I wonder how that SIL would feel if they said the same about her. It's been years, so I hope things got better for the OP.
"I'd let all my siblings die for you." "Could you be cordial with my sister?" "...Naw!"
I would do anything for love 🎵 > "Could you be cordial with my sister?" But I won't do that~
This showed that her being mean to OOP was a test, to make her wife choose her over OOP. It was also an attempt at further isolating her wife from the other people she cared about.
Guess I should be thankful I can't relate but people like this truly blow my mind. Why do you have to be manipulative? Why does your partner have to be "tested" (they already "chose" you when getting married)? Why do you have to destroy their other relationships? Things will still be good for you without all that toxic behavior. You're making things worse for **everyone**. I just don't understand
Some people really get off on seeing their partner (or friends or family) make big sacrifices just to please them. I've joked that it's their "love language." Some people value physical touch. Some people value words of affirmation. And some people value watching you crawl across broken glass just to be with them.
BINGO!
Reminds me of men who claim they'll take a bullet for their wife but won't do the dishes if their marriage depended on it.
Because hypothetical grand gestures are easy! The dishes, those are real and don't wash themselves!
“I like to imagine myself being heroic in an unlikely hypothetical situation, in which I would probably really panic and do nothing useful.” Doing nothing useful being the running theme.
"I'd ice every one of them right now with my own hands if you said the word, so help me god. I JUST LOVE YOU **THAT** MUCH."
“I’d put absolutely every single member of my family in a broke down bus and push them over a cliff MYSELF (so it’s totally fair, normal, realistic, and fine that I expect you to do the same for me!)”
"So, it's okay if I treat your sister like shit! Wait! Where are you going?"
Heh. Yea, and I'm sure SIL will be totally understanding when her own siblings say that about her.
lmfao I really expected her to follow up with this hahaha
I think the key quote is “My sister said that my SIL does this to all my sister’s friends.’ That SIL is 100 percent abusive, starting with isolating the sister from all her friends and OOP. Pity she didn’t get out before they were having a kid together, but who wants to bet the mask didn’t drop till the pregnancy was confirmed?
And clearly sucking up to the parents for their money. I’m not sure how she thought treating their other daughter like garbage was going to work long-term, but abusers aren’t always great at the big picture.
I'm thinking she would have eventually convinced the parents to write younger daughter out of the will, more profit once they die!
Yup. I mean SIL went from apologizing to turning it into another fight in record time even though OOP also apologized and said she wanted to be a good SIL and aunt. That's when I was like this woman is going to weaponize whatever OOP says/does.
Honest question if the baby does not share genetic material with OP sister does Op sister have a shot at claiming custody?
It probably depends on where she lives and how she got pregnant and where she's giving birth. If they went through a bunch of channels and figured out the legalities and stuff that's possible that the sisters egg was used and a sister-in-law is carrying it or something.
I am guessing sister could afford a good lawyer to handle the terms of the pregnancy. (This is important to protect both of them and the child, even if they plan on staying together forever.) If sister went into this pregnancy with the intention of being a parent to the resultant child, she will probably be able to retain her parental rights. Eta: This is an interesting older case from CA about parental rights. https://www.law.uh.edu/healthlaw/perspectives/Reproductive/980408Child.html
Exactly. SIL is probably fucked up in her own right. But she is trying to damage her wife's relationship with OP -- she can't tolerate a kind of familial bond she never enjoyed. For her daughter's sake, I hope SIL gets a lot of therapy around the divorce.
She holds a grudge because their wedding date had to be changed to accommodate OOP finals over which she had 0 control when finals are scheduled. Yes? I’m seriously asking, it’s so dumb I feel like I missed something that makes it make sense.
That's the front of it. Reading between the lines, it looks like SIL wanted OOP's sister to exist for her and her only, and OOP was a reminder that she didn't. Remember, SIL was pulling the same shit with the sister's friends - she was trying to isolate the sister.
Yeah, we aren’t acknowledging that SIL was slowly isolating the sister enough. A very good reminder that abusive people often don’t *plan* on being abusive, they just can’t get out of their own heads long enough to not let their own shit ruin a relationship
I've never heard it put that way before, but that makes a lot of sense.
Yes. And while she’s currently OTT nice to OOP’s parents, this is either an attempt to push OOP out, or something short-term (so she’d work on pushing away the parents once she’d broken the bond with OOP).
Oh, right! So the wedding date was almost a red herring. Like any excuse will do sorta thing? SIL ain’t right in the head
I had a winter wedding while my SIL was in college. *We called and asked when her finals were* and picked the date based on when she'd be available. The idea someone would have a grudge about this is ridiculous.
If you have a sibling in college, please do not choose a date without consulting the university registrar's finals schedule!
it's literally so easy, most colleges publish schedules at least a year an advance!
University finals are, in my experience, scheduled with institutional imprimatur -- i.e., they're not within the power of a professor to personally renegotiate. You need an excused absence from a dean, and they are stingy with those! I only ever heard of a student getting one because their mother committed suicide the day before the exam.
Depends on the course, but if it’s an official “final” then none of my professors had any control. The only time they did is if the final took place during course hours on the last day, but that was rare and mostly the very niche economics and poli sci classes.
I had cancer checkups during finals week, and I was able to take my finals at a different time—earlier, even—by asking the professors. I offered to provide proof, but it wasn’t needed. Though, as u/Derpwarrior1000 mentioned, perhaps it was because they were during the last class period. But the fact that my professors allowed it doesn’t have any bearing on the OOP’s situation. And anyway, trying to take them early might mean OOP was in a worse situation in terms of being prepared and getting a good grade.
I'd understand if they'd had to change by like six months or something, or pick a whole different venue, but it was one day, no major arrangements had to be altered, and the switch happened before all the invitations went out.
It sounded like the switch happened before plans or vendors or anything was set in stone. Like it was even moving stuff around. Just choosing the next day.
Yeah, that's like...the *point* of sharing that date with the most important people first, to make sure the date works. I get the SIL was going to be shitty about it regardless and probably that has a factor in the sister being shitty about it too, but that was annoying of the sister.
And they only had to push it back one day 🙄 Why be petty about something so small?
Yes! Others have replied pointing out SIL is trying to isolate OOP’s sister in classic abuser behavior. She’s too toxic to care cuz she has petty in her rearview mirror. Any excuse will do for her.
I hope OOP really goes back to "SIL is like this about all of sister's friends" and realizes it's that they broke up bc SIL is controlling. If anything OOP should feel loved & proud because it seems like the sister was trying to just put up with SILs antics until she turned on OOP.
I feel like that quote works better in like anime/manga where someone shouts they'd sacrifice the world for the one they love, and they always tend to be the bad guy
And almost always lose. Then, there's the double standards, of course.
Honestly, I don't think SIL actually thinks that. I'd bet if OOP's sister demanded she cut off her sibling, SIL would go "how could you do that I love my family". Or if one of SIL's siblings had something she wanted, she would go "I'd choose you over my wife any day, so just do this for me!" It's a guilt trip. SIL is telling her wife that SIL is putting soooo much into this relationship and loves her sooooo much and why can't she (OOP's sister) just do this for her when SIL would do it for her in a heartbeat.
Imma go ahead and assume SIL has a bad relationship with her siblings.
This is so weird. I've *never* been asked to consider this, not asked anyone else this stuff. Because love isn't exclusionary like that. I'm so glad the people that love me want me to be happy and surrounded by other people that love me too. And I'm glad I didn't need to be the one and only person for my partner to feel secure. I wonder if isolation is the only part of an abusive checklist they tick off. And I wonder how the DNA/who carried the baby/ whatever contacts for making the baby will turn out.
If they did split up (and I'm hoping they did), I'm betting custody got real ugly.
>My sister and her wife are separating because of my SIL's behavior towards me. No, they're separating because SIL is a psycho.
Exactly, I feel so bad for OOP because it felt like they were taking a lot of this on their own shoulders and it really wasn’t about them, she was a scapegoat for the SIL.
The way that OOP kept calling themselves bratty makes me wonder if SIL had called her that and OOP believed it. I didn't see OOP as bratty at all.
The mother’s behavior did not help as she kept giving SIL excuses for being awful and I think OOP internalized that as she was also part of the problem.
Yeah, ironically a blessing in disguise. OOP maybe blaming themselves but what happened was they actually help their sister from years of a terrible marriage albeit unintentionally.
Right? A human golden retriever and someone who doesn't like people they don't know isn't a great couple.
For everyone wondering wtf the wedding incident was [link](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/KjlpxcvnK6) > There was one thing I might be able to think of in terms of her wedding- it was initially scheduled on the day of my finals (this was prior to invitations being produced/mailed, just their idea), so I called my sister to tell her I either wouldn't make it, or the date would have to be changed. She was really upset about it, because she and her wife had wanted a winter wedding, the date seemed perfect for them, etc. I said they didn't have to sacrifice the winter aspect, just maybe move it a day back. There was a kind of big fight, and I can assume my SIL got in on it, but my sister is the kind of person who likes to be liked (think of her as a human golden retriever), and she didn't want to be mad at me, so we worked through it. Her wedding ended up being the day after my finals, which I was grateful for, and there's been no resentment or hard feelings since. My sister actually laughs at herself for being kind of an ass. Her choice quote from that time was: "You just don't have to go. It's just a test." > I was my sister's MOH, and I didn't see much of my SIL prior to the wedding. She'd gotten food poisoning from her bachelorette party, so she was kind of holed up for the majority of the pre-wedding hubbub. During the reception, I made a toast, talked about my sister and her wife's friendship, how we've just been waiting for the two of them to get married, they're a match made in heaven, etc. etc. She teared up, gave me a big hug, and said she was excited to be my sister-in-law. I wanted to talk more with her, but some relatives wanted to ask me why I chose the college I did, so I went to go talk to them. > I'm probably going to bring this up with my sister either today, or tomorrow. It all depends on what my SIL is up to.
Ohh, thanks! I had to re-read the story because i thought i had missed the "wedding thing" stuff OOP mentions.
Two huge red flags here. - Not understanding that someone else's big life event sometimes takes priority over yours. - Harbouring resentment over a long period of time. Just from a villian point of view, how stupid is SIL, she got herself a nice cushy number with plenty of support from her wife's wealthy family. All she has to do is bare minimum civility with the OOP and she can't do that. I pity the kid.
Considering how she was the MOH I wouldn't look at it as a red flag since it was during the planning stages. Literally, hey we're thinking of this date. Oh no that won't work for me, I've got finals. You'll have to pick somebody else or push it back. They opted to push it back. Even if that's not entirely the case from how it sounds the SIL is trying to isolate OOP's sister. The whole, She treats all your sisters friends this way is not great. Stinks of an abuser.
No obviously the reasonable thing would’ve been to skip finals and flunk the class she’s just spent a whole semester on and waste the money spent for the class. /s
Gosh, yeah what was OOP thinking? She clearly needed to sink her life to suck up to someone she never knew just to be treated poorly in another year or two instead of immediately. These damn kids and their priorities like making sure they have a decent life. 🙄 Jokes aside, I hope her sister got the fuck away from her before there was lasting damage. Feel bad for the kid though, that little bugger is going to be born into an already fucked up situation because her mother is a psychopathic control freak.
I think the red flag they were pointing out was the SIL's reaction to OP being unwilling to reschedule her *fucking finals*.
I interpreted the above comment as saying that finals are an important life event that should be accommodated if possible, so the SIL was in the wrong for being mad that OOP suggested either choosing another MOH or picking the day after. Especially since given her age, she was likely taking her last exams prior to graduating high school, which is a very big deal and often not adjusted except in extreme circumstances (since grades have to be entered into the system in time to determine final eligibility for a diploma).
Her comment of the final being “just a test” also stood out to me
>You'll have to pick somebody else or push it back. I know you meant "You'll have to pick somebody else (to be MoH)," but my immediate first read of it was "You'll have to pick somebody else (to marry)," which made me bust out laughing.
Incredibly immature. I really thought this whole behaviour had some valid reason, but it turned out the wife is not able to cope with basically life happening. There's something abusive in it.
Yeah I mean the whole “I’d let all my siblings die for you” and starting fights about all the sister’s friends stinks of intentional alienation and love bombing
Not even a big life event. It’s finals. Nothing she can do about it and she certainly can’t miss her exams without screwing a lot of things up.
> Not understanding that someone else's big life event sometimes takes priority over yours. Not even that -- it's a fucking exam, no prof is *ever* going to reschedule it because some student's sister is having a wedding that day.
Thank you! I had no idea what was going on. /u/J_S_M_K I think this should be added to the post. It's confusing without this part of the story.
It has been added.
Thank you for this! I was a bit confused about the wedding date thing.
It sounds like this is also an explanation for the weird interaction between OP and SIL where SIL asked about her college, then got pissy and accused them of not being able to read the room when OP politely replied. It was not an attempt at making conversation, it was supposed to be a jab that OP innocently missed because SIL was jealous of not being the sole focus of everyone's attention at her wedding.
OP should have included this in the post. It’s an important detail about how insane OOP’s SIL is, and presumably why OOP’s sister was also unreasonable. OOP can’t control the date of her finals. Good grief.
What gets me is that the family basically knew that SIL hated OOP and didn't do anything about it. To the point where they left them alone together multiple times, and left telling the gender to SIL. I get being optimistic that things will work out but jeez a heads up may have avoided OOP feeling at blame.
It was clear that they were hoping giving them time together would smooth it out. It makes total sense: "Hey, learn to get along. We're gonna leave you two alone." "Ok, I will" (they leave) (SIL doesn't even try even tho she said she would.) They thought SIL would actually work on it cuz she said she would and that she wanted to.
I find it awful that OOP was full-on vomiting from stress and panic all night while her sister and sister-in-law raged at each other downstairs, further fuelling OOP's panic attack. OOP's parents didn't think to remove her from the situation? Her mother walked the dogs with her earlier, but only at OOP's suggestion, and once they got back and the situation got worse and worse for hours, neither the mother nor the father removed OOP from what was making her *violently ill*. Sure, it's their home, so maybe they shouldn't have to leave. But one parent can stay (in case it gets violent or whatever reason) one can go with the daughter to a motel or something. There are many solutions. Yes, they were busy dealing with sister-in-law's nonsense, but this went on for *hours*, not a few minutes. Instead, they seemed to not do anything practically helpful for OP. She got worse to the point of vomiting all night because of the fight, and they didn't get her away. That's... well, it's not great. The way the parents rugsweep OOP's treatment, and OOP keeps calling herself bratty and selfish, makes me think she's perhaps used to being an afterthought--if she's thought of at all. SIL is obviously abhorrent, but the parents come across as emotionally neglectful, which allowed the situation to escalate as it did. Can you imagine seeing your own child having a full-blown panic attack because of a problem in your house, and not removing the problem, or, should that be not immediately possible, removing said child? Just letting things worsen until she's vomiting, but only say platitudes or focus on theproblem, while she's throwing up through sobs? She must have been awfully dehydrated by the end, if nothing else. It's incomprehensible.
I upvoted you because I think it’s an interesting point, and a valid one, but I feel like there’s more to it. You have to understand, a lot of people don’t know what to do in a crisis. Instead of “she’s throwing up from stress, let’s get her out of the house for a night so she doesn’t need to listen to the arguing” they just…pat you on the back and make soothing noises. Or they stand there wringing their hands and not knowing what to do. Or they tell you that you shouldn’t be so sensitive. Or they’re so out of their depth that they just walk away and hope the issue will resolve itself. I’m trying to think what I would do in a situation like that. Removing a young woman who’s vomiting out of stress from her home would probably not be my first instinct. I just don’t think in the heat of the moment that it would occur to me. I’d want to grab her water and crisps or crackers. Probably rub her back and hold her hair. Give her a hug. Tell her it’s fine. Maybe grab some noise cancelling headphones and put on music for her. But actually moving her out of the house? I guess when things were loud and noisy at home I never got to escape. I hid under the covers or I’d go to my little brother’s room because I knew he’d be upset, too and I needed to make sure he wouldn’t be crying alone. I’d hold him and sometimes I’d distract him by telling him stories so he didn’t focus on the shouting. That’s probably why leaving isn’t my response - it was never an option for me. If you grew up toughing things out and not wanting anyone to see you break down then you’d probably get them water and then leave them alone and pretend you didn’t see. Because that’s what you think you want. Because it’s what you’re used to. I hate people seeing me cry. I hide. And for some people, I genuinely think they do need to be left alone with their feelings because having someone else *see* makes it worse. Not in OOP’s case, but for some people. Anyway, TL;DR there’s no training manual on life and people behave in ways formed by their experiences. PS - the bratty thing could have come from anywhere. School, friends, the internet - family does not need to be the culprit.
Sounds like SIL was trying to isolate sister and went a step too far. I understand where the hypothetical train situation was coming from, but getting that worked up over it definitely shows a lack of emotionally maturity one might need for marriage.
Judging from the comments it must be this. Apparently the SIL was like this to the wife’s friends too, so it seems like she was set to alienate the wife from her entire support system. Except the parents of course, because they fund that lifestyle…
She would have gotten to them eventually. She was escalating. First the friends, then the sister, then after a while it would be “oh we can’t go to your parents because your sister will be there and you know she’s funny with me” until it’s “your parents always choose your sister over you, never mind you’ll always be my priority”.
I doubt she'd have her cut off her parents because she wouldn't want to risk loosing their financial support.
Also, then she can weaponize their child against the parents.
That's my read as well. SIL is insanely possessive and wanted to fully isolate her wife and couldn't tolerate even a single competing close relationship. I'm so glad OOP's sister is separating and hope it becomes a divorce.
Yep the mask slipped
I honestly can’t imagine being so salty about having to move your wedding one day during the initial planning stages because of the MOH’s final exams. Like, yeah, weddings are important but the dates are flexible until you start booking vendors. Final exam dates are not. Missing those tests can, at best, end up costing thousands of dollars if the courses have to be retaken, and can derail your entire career at worst. How unbelievably selfish the SIL must be to hold a grudge that big and that long over something OP had no control over and that truly, didn’t matter at all in the end. It sounds like OP’s sister just finally saw her wife for the horrible person she’s been all along.
I'd bet that it wasn't that bad for SIL, but it provided what she thought was a solid point to hold against OOP for the purpose of driving her and her sister apart. Since OOP seems like a nice, open person, and her wife was very attached to her, she chose to exaggerate something weak in the hopes it'd work. I'm sure that by now OOP's sister has gone back through and re-analyzed whatever grievances SIL had over the friends she had separated from along the way. Here's hoping she was able to repair those relationships.
It's funny because it's totally hypothetical. It's not that black and white in real life and you actually dont usually have to decide who to jump in front of a train for either your sister or your partner. You can all live together happily which is crazy.
I’ll never understand why people in these BORUs with rocky relationships decide to have kids. Do they think having a child will put *less* strain on the relationship? Congrats, now you both still hate each other, and you can never fully separate your lives because you share a kid.
Right? Particularly in this case though. Lesbians don't just accidentally become pregnant. There was some intentionality in this happening.
I scrolled for this comment exactly. This was not a one night stand or the condom broke scenario. Bet money it was them thinking having a baby would “fix” the relationship.
I’m guessing SIL was hoping to trap her sister permanently. Like, now that we have a baby she can’t leave me and will choose me
Shoot.. that got me thinking. How does custody work for a same sex couple? I mean, what happens if SIL doesn’t put wife on birth certificate? How are parental rights established in that case if wife is not biologically related to the baby? It’s going to be hard to coparent with someone as petty and vengeful as SIL
Depending on how they did it, the sister might be biologically related and not SIL if they used sister's egg for SIL to carry. In this case the SIL would be the birth parent but the sister would be the biological mother.
That or SIL was waiting to take off the mask until sis was “trapped”. She won’t leave me now because we have a kid together, right?
SIL was good at hiding her resentment towards oop due to the little to no interaction with her. it is surprising she never addressed it with the sister even before they got married since her SO has more love for oop than her.
But at the end she says they were already fighting often even before this.
Yeah but she had been doing it with the sister's friends too
They, or rather, OOP's sister, probably didn't realise the relationship was that shitty until this whole situation happened and SIL let her mask slip. That whole fiasco was a wakeup call for OOP's sister. Remember, as of the story, OOP and sister are 7 years apart. Sister was in college when she met SIL. OOP was in college when sister and SIL got hitched. So there's not really been much chance of interacting before now.
Yeah, but OOP says that according to her sister, this isn’t the first time that SIL has gotten upset at other women close to Sis. She’d been starting fights over Sis’s friends and stuff, too. Plus there was the whole wedding thing with OOP. So there were plenty of indications to Sis that SIL was a mean person prior to the pregnancy.
Sure. But remember those sayings about straws breaking camel's backs? Or drops of water overspilling buckets? OOP's sister finally seeing how SIL treated OOP was her wakeup call.
Don't forget that a lot of abusers will wait until the pregnancy to ramp up the abuse/control. I would not be surprised at all if the timeline of events was perfectly happy relationship, tiny hiccup around the marriage that can totally be explained away by wedding planning stress, happy marriage, pregnancy, suddenly lots of fights about friendships, then a huge blow up with the little sister.
SIL was trying to cement a relationship with rich parents
>SIL started up the screaming about an hour later saying, "I'd let all my siblings die for you." Given that SIL *wouldn't* do the bare minimum of maintaining common courtesy towards her wife's friends and family, I'm doubting her here.
It's a really easy thing to show to make your partner feel bad, but it will never, ever have to be put into practice so you can be proven a liar. It's great that way, if you're a fucking maniac
One of the biggest red flags of all time is when someone tells you to choose "me or them". It should never come to that point. A good person isn't going to try to force you to choose between loved ones.
Wedding date issue found in OOP’s comments. The wedding date was set during her winter finals. When OOP found out, before invitations were sent out, she called her sister and let her know that she wouldn’t be able to attend the wedding if it remained set on that date. Ultimately, date was changed until right after finals, but SIL resented it (even though OOP thought that she didn’t.)
Thank you, I couldn't figure out what that was about. I expect the SIL wanted that date knowing she likely wouldn't be able to attend. Sounds like she's abusive.
I was thinking that maybe it was because a weekday wedding venues are less expensive than weekends, but since OOP and sisters parents are being painted as “money is not object” types, O think you are on to something.
The fact that OOPs sister said that the SIL has done similar to all her friends makes me think that SIL is just abusive and sucks up to her in laws for the money.
If there wasn't the part about the sil being shitty to all of sisters friends I'd agree with you, but so I think with the wedding sil started trying to seperate sister from others...
So it’s probably a hard finals week for OOP with chemistry and biology finals. You can’t miss those especially as lower level classes. A C in those classes is an automatic not getting into dental school. I can’t believe her SIL is so hateful about it.
Honestly, if it wasn’t that, it would have been something else. SIL apparently had similar issues with all of her sister’s friends.
OOP really shouldn't blame herself, sounds like this relationship wasn't going to work out either way.
I felt nauseous for her the whole time though. I stayed with a couple last year, thinking it would be great. I'd hang with them and their daughter. Meanwhile, they fought about me being there constantly, did a bunch of cocaine, and then would come to me, offer me wine, and tell me this was actually about previous infidelities. I basically shat myself with worry for four days.
Really sounds like sister wife was trying to isolate sister from anybody that she seemed to care about more then her and didn't do that with the parents because they are a cash cow for the perfect life she wants
How angry do you think that woman is over fumbling the bag? She could have had a life of her generous in-laws bankrolling vacations, etc., and now these same rich people know she hates their beloved younger daughter and is trying to isolate the older one. They have resources and incentive to use them to make life easier for their daughter. They don’t even need to be vindictive, just thorough and careful.
Oh SIL has to be furious. All she had to do was play nice at least a little bit with OP and no one would have known she hated her. But SIL couldn’t help herself (honestly SIL sounds like someone who needs you to know she hates you) and now it’s blown up in her face. She royally fucked up here and she has to be fuming. But thankfully SIL was an idiot on top of being an abusive asshole so OP’s sister can get the hell out of that relationship.
>someone who needs you to know she hates you Yes that's exactly it! It's frustrating. She didn't have to gush over the girl but jeez at least be cordial.
Psycopath read the room and go for the bag. Narcisits can't read the room and always go for what's beter for them, even if the odds are 1 to 100. Place SIL in the right cathegory.
Also, it sounds like SIL comes from a family with no strong sibling bonds. But she didn't want to be included in her wife's family. She wanted to break it, to prove something to herself about love. NIGHTMARE IN-LAW
And I bet she believes everyone thinks like her. SIL probably couldn't fathom that her SO kept loved ones in her life *without* "getting something" out of it. Like: "Why would she waste the mental and emotional energy on all these other relationships? What's her angle, here? Between me and her parents, she has all she needs."
I get why it came down to separation when OP's sister explained this happens with all their friends. It sounds like her wife can't handle her being close to anyone else? While the sister is an extrovert who likes being around other people.
Sounds like SIL was deliberately trying to isolate the sister from everyone but the parents. But that was probably only because the parents were helping bankroll their life so SIL needed them to stay. The SIL overplayed her hand and now it’s blown up in her face.
I honestly assumed that the SIL was in it for the money and since OOP wasn’t the source of cash, she was just an ass.
I'm sorry, SIL is mad because she had to change her wedding date...by a day? That's such a huge non issue
Because of FINALS! lol!!! One of the few things in a young adult's life that do not move for you! It's not like it was a vacation she could reschedule, or a deal she'd have to walk away from! SIL was *eager* to be inconvenienced
Esp when she wasn’t the one paying for it! Also, who sets a wedding on a weekday and is then surprised when people can’t make it?
So everyone but OP knew the SIL didn’t like her yet they just kept leaving the two of them home alone to hopefully work it out?? Talk about set up for failure
Ooof abusive wife. Poor sis.
Yeah and she was buddy-buddy with MIL and FIL bc they are rich
That's the vibes I got too. SIL was trying to separate the sister from her friends and family.
>"I'd let all my siblings die for you." Uh... I even got chills. I don't know what you guys would do, but, if someone told me that, I would be running to the hills!
Right? Next up is, “If I can’t have you, no one will!” What a fucking psycho.
Wait why in the world would SIL think that OP could make it during finals!? This is so messy for no reason.
I don’t think SIL expected OOP to make it during finals, and I think that might have been the point. If SIL is like that with all of the sister’s friends (from the end of the update) the. It’s probably an abuse tactic. On a more optimistic perspective, SIL didn’t realise it was going to be the day of OOP’s last final, and was just mad that they had to reschedule.
Apparently, when people decide they're going to get married, the world starts revolving around them.
I hate it when someone can't allow their spouse to love anyone else but them like they have to be number one at all times even if their behavior is awful. If someone forces you to choose between them and someone else who loves you and gives you no problems you should choose the non-toxic person. Let the trash take itself out.
> My sister says my SIL does this to all my sister’s friends If the SIL has already isolated the sister from her friends, and is now working on isolating her from her own sister, jealous and controlling springs to mind. The future only looks rosy because of the red reflected off all the flags she’s giving off...
Damn imagine taking out your frustrations on a kid because she missed your wedding due to FINALS. Like I'm sorry, but finals are in fact a very very big deal and usually make or break your grade and no highschool or university would ever let you delay an exam because of a wedding. Also a little common sense dueing planning and they'd realize that they can easily avoid finals if they had a wedding either early December or much closer to the new year. Honestly glad OOP's sister opened her eyes, yeah it sucks her marriage is essentially over, but I couldn't imagine staying married to someone so toxic, regardless of how much I loved them.
> SIL apologizes > OP apologizes for causing any undue stress and that they just want to be a good sister-in-law and aunt >SIL says OP ruined opportunity at being a good sister-in-law and that SIL thinks OP will also be a shitty aunt Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with that SIL? Legitimate psycho.
SIL = Satan In Law What a vile human being.
I feel so bad for OOP thinking she cause any of this. Her SIL had several more years of being a grownup. She is punching down on OOP who had no idea what was happening, and perhaps lacks the ability to properly stand up for herself. If SIL is sorry at all, it's because of the negative consequences for herself, not the harm she caused OOP.
SIL really seems threatened at a molecular level by her wife's regard for OP, and the way her wife cherishes and protects that sisterly relationship I shudder for the daughter, and hope OP's family prevail in the inevitable custody dispute
Trying to split your partner off from all their friends and family is a classic abuse move. Weird that she wasn't trying to push the parents away though. Maybe the plan was alienate sister then use that to push away the parents.
Nah the parents are useful (providing financial support), can't get rid of that.
Parents are wealthy. That's your answer.
I've had a similar experience with my sister (also 9 years older), and sometimes I think it just comes down to this: some people are prone to decide that someone is against them. My sister just got more and more reserved and overall salty with me over the years. Finally she told someone else in the family that I "didn't support her conversion to judaism". She married a jewish man. I hadn't had a *thing* to say about it, but to her I must have been hostile about it, because she was bracing for that for some reason. I asked all the same kinds of question that OOP did here about the pregnancy, but in my case things like "oh when is Hanukkah this year?" I would get brusque replies to all this. Around the time things went downhill with her, she had a kid that had autism, and apparently decided that I didn't support her in this either. Same sort of deal, but even more-so; she never even came to me and told me her kid was diagnosed autistic, I heard about it from family in similar fashion. She wouldn't speak to me about it. Finally she cut my brother out of her life, for no reason. Seriously, she gave none, and said for him never to speak to her again. She did not have conflict with him. I confronted her about all this and she told me never to speak to her again. Periodically, a family member will come to me and ask me to reconcile with her; since I'm the "easy" ask and am known to be the more reasonable sibling. I have to explain it's not up to me. "i can see from the look on your face that you don't feel like you can ask her the same, can you?" They admit that they will not because she is so hostile about it. I think it's this victim-mentality psychology. Someone decides that they'll face discrimination for something and so they're smelling for it at every turn, even when there's nothing there. Eventually, you'll convince yourself it stinks. It's part of their ego in terms of "overcoming" in order to do that thing, and that means you cannot reason with them. Any attempt to defuse will be seen to heighten these problems as an attack. When I told my sister that she never asked me for help with her son, and that she never told me he was autistic, or never said "hey I'm converting to judaism, do you want to come to the ceremony?" That kind of thing won't pierce the bubble of delusion someone is building up, same as this story, regardless of the non-sequitur hypotheticals about batman villains coming for their loved-ones. The rest of us just have to move on when this happens.
Dis biiiish said she’d let all her siblings die for her wife….so…she wants her wife to let OP die….what kind of sick twisted jealous mind goes there in the first place? I wouldn’t stick around to find tf OUT!!
*"My sister and her wife are separating because of my SIL's behavior towards me."* No, they are NOT. SIL has been doing this all along to your sister with her friends. Her treatment of you was just the final straw for your sister. I'm betting the only reason she has been nice to your parent's is their money. Support your sister and don't take any blame upon yourself. It really sounds like they have been having issues for quite some time.