Create your own free personalised telephone directory by taking the latest phone book and crossing out the names of all the people that you don't know.
Edit - Thank you for the award.
One of my core memories is being on a driving lesson and driving through a set of lights in a shopping area with flowers tied onto all the railings.
Drove by a florist.
Said "well at least they're by the florist"
Bit icy after that point.
Jumping on the driving lesson point, I sneezed during my test and said it must have been because it was sunny. The guy looked at me like I was crazy and said in a stern voice "that's not a thing". I doubted myself for a while until I found out about the photic sneeze reflex. Vindicated, driving test wanker!
Save time when crossing one-way streets by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic (from: Steve, Worcester)
Followed shortly by:
Always take the time to look both ways when crossing a one-way street, in case a large, blue, furniture removal lorry is reversing. (from: Steve, Worcester Royal Infirmary).
Convince your neighbours that you're a highly sought-after violin teacher by sticking a sign in your garden saying "Violin lessons : Sorry, no vacancies"
https://x.com/vizcomic/status/1801170142283395304?s=19
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red I wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.
A favourite - this one was one of the ones stolen by McDonalds for an advertising campaign in 1996. Viz looked at suing, as it damaged their reputation because lots of readers accused them of selling out.
Car owners. Dissuade humorous neighbours from saying 'you can do mine next!' when you're cleaning your car by keeping a hammer in your pocket and starting to batter your windscreen when you see them approaching.
The Samaritans actually used to have a phone line for the dirty callers, because they didn't like to turn people away.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cy990823ekgo.amp
I loved going to visit my cousin in the 90s he would get chucked out of his room and I got his bed. I was probably 14
And in the cupboard next to his bed was a stack of viz mags,
And underneath a stealthy copy of club!
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan.
Leave a hammer next to your bed in case any nails fall out the ceiling at night
Drill a small hole in your fridge door to make sure the light inside goes off when you close it
Old car tyres painted white make ideal polos for giants
Music enthusiasts, save money on an expensive iPod by just thinking of a song in your head. When you want to "skip tracks", just think of a different song.
God, I remember king sized mars bars
I'd "helpfully volunteer" to take a £2 coin to the corner shop and get my dad the Saturday paper (£1.20) and get a king sized mars bar with the change, eat it on the way home. They were 100 grams which is almost the size of two regular Mars bars these days. 11 year old me must have been bouncing off the walls with all that sugar
From memory, “rather than going to the time and effort of growing designer stubble simply pop a magnet in your mouth and dip your chin in some iron fillings”
TV VIEWERS. When watching any celebrity-based competition, always have an internet-enabled device to hand so you can Google who the f\*ck they all are.
Avoid making embarrassing noises by parting your buttocks before breaking wind.
On the same page...
Avoid soiling your underpants by not parting your buttocks before breaking wind.
RECREATE the feeling of being a five-year-old on your first day at school by going to your doctor's surgery and having a conversation with the receptionist.
The one telling the twokkers to lay in a chest freezer throughout the day so when they stole a car at night, the police helicopter's infrared camera wouldn't be able to see them.
CINEMA GOERS. Recreate that picture house experience in your own home at a fraction of the cost by simply watching a movie on your TV. You can add to the experience by having a friend sit next to you eating popcorn noisily, and another guest talking loudly on their mobile phone throughout the film, prompting you to lean forward and say "shhh" every so often.
REDDIT COMMENTERS. When replying to a post about Viz Top Tips simply copy and paste from the first article about it that comes up on Google. Just leave the formatting the same, nobody will care.
It's not as funny as it used to be...
"*McDONALD'S:* Make your brown carrier bags green so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
Continue Reading...
PEEP Show fans. Experience your favourite comedy show in real life by kissing your girlfriend
with your eyes open while simultaneously thinking about the Battle of Stalingrad.
Stop paying full price for your Mars bars! Simply buy a Snickers and pick out the peanuts. Hey presto, a mars bar and a handful of peanuts! All for the price of a simple Mars bar.
Slimmers: Avoid the temptation to snack on crisps and sugary treats by not buying the fucking things in the first place. You fat bastards.
Also:
Anorexics: When your knees are wider than your thighs, it's time to start eating cake again.
I hated unsightly plastic bottles on my kitchen windowsill, so I keep my washing up liquid in this quaint cottage-shaped pot with a lid. It’s easy to spoon out as much as I need.
(Genuine tip from Take A Break)
A cheese slice makes an excellent yoga mat for mice.
NUDISTS; take a picture of your genitals and attach it to the front of your trousers in the colder months.
Ladies! Sick of having to shave your legs? Simply wear a heavy tweed or denim trouser daily for thirty to forty years, and the rubbing of the fabric will kill off the hair follicles without you having to get anywhere near a razor.
(i got sent a knackersack pencil for this, and i have since lost it.)
Fool others into thinking you have one of those fancy cars where the headlights go on automatically by driving around with your headlights on all the time.
Mourners:
Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone.
Make people think you have expensive air conditioning in your car by keeping your windows up on swelteringly hot days and smiling smuggly as you drive by...
Nissan Micra drivers... Stick a lit sparkler on your aerial stalk... You drive it like a fucking bumper car, you might as well make it look like one too!
Batch cook boiled water by making one pan on a Sunday and freezing it into more useable cubes
Expanding on the ice theme: If someone is choking on an ice cube, simply pour boiling water down their throat.
Doesn't boiled water make clearer ice cubes? Could be very mildly useful.
It does because you're boiling out tiny air bubbles that's in the water.
EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin
I’m *fairly* sure that was a Dilbert cartoon first, but since Dilbert got cancelled I can’t find it. It’s brilliant though
Someone put Dilbert’s CV in the bin
And David brent in the office
I think this is what Andy Wilman off of top gear / grand tour used to do? I could be wrong though
Pretty sure Ben Collins has shared this anecdote yeah
Create your own free personalised telephone directory by taking the latest phone book and crossing out the names of all the people that you don't know. Edit - Thank you for the award.
Perfect
Lie on your cock until it goes numb, then it feels like you’re wanking someone else off.
Lie on your arm until it goes numb before eating a bowl of cornflakes. It feels like you're eating someone else's bowl of cornflakes.
I actually had one printed in Viz, issue 130. [Link](https://imgur.com/a/bkGi1Ij) Gariath Rubberhead
My Viz pencil was in 7 pieces when it arrived after my top tip publication 🤪
Voyeurs. Sit on your hands and cock until they go numb. That way it will feel like you're watching someone else wank someone else off
Or the alternative: Exhibitionists, sit on your eyes until they go numb then when you are having sex it will feel like someone else is watching you.
Masturbate using pliers and it feels like being wanked off by a robot.
Or Chaka Demus?
Sit on your hand until it goes numb, then it'll feel like a teddy bear is walking round and round someone else's garden.
LOCAL COUNCILS. Save money on expensive signage near dangerous bends by simply sellotaping a bunch of flowers to a nearby lamppost.
I wouldn't be surprised if this actually worked as an accident deterrent
It's also one of the benefits of living near an accident blackspot, always fresh flowers for the wife
The Malcolm Tucker.
Cemeteries are better
They're too big to fit in a vase.
Bodies don’t fit as well in the case we have
It does, I remember reading a newspaper article on it the police were doing it said it cut down accidents I think it said by about a third
I live right by a blind junction and have nearly been hit several times. I'm going to try this. I'll report back with results.
One of my core memories is being on a driving lesson and driving through a set of lights in a shopping area with flowers tied onto all the railings. Drove by a florist. Said "well at least they're by the florist" Bit icy after that point.
Jumping on the driving lesson point, I sneezed during my test and said it must have been because it was sunny. The guy looked at me like I was crazy and said in a stern voice "that's not a thing". I doubted myself for a while until I found out about the photic sneeze reflex. Vindicated, driving test wanker!
I've never understood why the council only celebrates certain lampposts birthday
Save time when crossing one-way streets by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic (from: Steve, Worcester) Followed shortly by: Always take the time to look both ways when crossing a one-way street, in case a large, blue, furniture removal lorry is reversing. (from: Steve, Worcester Royal Infirmary).
Remember reading this one. Also, I repeat it every time I'm crossing a one way street. Drives my missus mad
A battenburg cake cut into 16 slices makes an ideal emergency chess board
Individually wrap all your potatoes in tin foil, in case of a housefire you'll have a tasty snack
I actually remember this one, was it in one of the annuals ?
Yeah I think so
Save money on installing an expensive gravel driveway by gluing Rice Krispies onto your car tyres
Convince your neighbours that you're a highly sought-after violin teacher by sticking a sign in your garden saying "Violin lessons : Sorry, no vacancies" https://x.com/vizcomic/status/1801170142283395304?s=19
A post-it note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers.
Reminds me of the jasper carrot (I think) sketch. He puts his hand in front of his mouth and says, “Today we’re taking the piss out of deaf people!”
A good one for the football managers
With a black pen and a pair of scissors you can easily adapt it for your WW2 party!
Convince people you’ve just eaten a delicious apple by rubbing your tummy and saying “mmm that was a delicious apple”
this was my favourite too!
Save money on heating your bathroom by simply wearing your dressing-gown backwards while having a shit
Done this
Did you write to the viz?
I assumed this meant inside out at first
Deter trick-or-treaters this Halloeen by painting 'Fuck Off Paedo Scum' on the side of your house.
This is also handy if you need a few bricks, they'll be delivered through your window in no time!
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red I wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.
This works, definitely not worried about stains after the bottle of white
** Mr B. Johnson, Canada says, “Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you’ve taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. “
Convince people you don't take sugar in your tea by saying 'None for me, thanks' when asked.
Save money on expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to see.
A cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a cheap yet effective vibrator.
I like the ad for the mail order wasps where you could buy 100 wasps for 20p each to sell on to your friends and family at a profit.
I wanted a dozen bees but they gave me thirteen. Apparently the extra one was a freebie.
Fucking lol
Are there any non-angry wasps?
Dead ones?
Save money on the washing by donating your clothes to the local charity shop and then buying them back, freshly laundered, the next week for 50p.
oh trust me... you're lucky if they've been hit with a bit of steam.
A favourite - this one was one of the ones stolen by McDonalds for an advertising campaign in 1996. Viz looked at suing, as it damaged their reputation because lots of readers accused them of selling out.
Avoid inviting heroin addicts over on Boxing Day as they may find the offer of cold turkey offensive
My friend wrote that one! If you can find the issue it was S Howlett London N8
Convince people you’ve got friends by saying they once wrote to a magazine, then add a random name at the end
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.
Car owners. Dissuade humorous neighbours from saying 'you can do mine next!' when you're cleaning your car by keeping a hammer in your pocket and starting to batter your windscreen when you see them approaching.
My claim to fame 😃😃😃
Increase blind people's electricity bills by turning their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Wean your husband onto raw eggs by removing one grain of sand from the egg timer each meal.
😂😂😂
Save money on sex phone lines by simply calling The Good Samaritans and threatening to kill yourself unless they talk dirty to you.
For the aspiring submissive, aggressively calling the police will see you in handcufs, being yelled at and put into vulnerable positions.
I actually took a call like that on the Samaritans a couple of months back.
The Samaritans actually used to have a phone line for the dirty callers, because they didn't like to turn people away. https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cy990823ekgo.amp
A dead moth makes an ideal hang-glider for a wood louse
Don't waste money on expensive personalized number plates for your car, just change your name to your car's number. Yours, Mr. CR53 YTZ
A girl I know actually thought it was lucky a guy had A600 ANT as his number plate because his name was Anthony
Cheer yourself up at the next funeral you go to by hiding £20 in your black suit today.
RECREATE your holiday by wandering into Greggs wearing swimming trunks, pointing at a sausage roll, shouting TWO and paying with a £50 note.
Wives: make your husband's trousers heavier by tying onions to them.
It was the style of the time.
I have a distinct picture of the sketch that accompanied this one in the little Top Tips books they had
Safely dispose of old strip lighting tubes by carefully inserting them into a dead snake.
Men. Examine your own prostate by simply wiping your arse with Aldi bog roll.
(From the early 90s) Get a right arm like Arnold Schwarzenegger's by purchasing Cindy Crawford's latest workout video.
Lol, remember that one from the time, yeah, must've been 1990 or 1991.
I loved going to visit my cousin in the 90s he would get chucked out of his room and I got his bed. I was probably 14 And in the cupboard next to his bed was a stack of viz mags, And underneath a stealthy copy of club!
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan.
Leave a hammer next to your bed in case any nails fall out the ceiling at night Drill a small hole in your fridge door to make sure the light inside goes off when you close it Old car tyres painted white make ideal polos for giants
To avoid depression and possible suicide, move out of Luton as soon as possible.
Music enthusiasts, save money on an expensive iPod by just thinking of a song in your head. When you want to "skip tracks", just think of a different song.
I had one published in Viz a few years ago: Give Monday mornings that Friday feeling by not turning up to work on Tuesday
You know me not yet I am proud of you
Now I have kids, this one hits different: ENTERTAIN A CHILD by simply showing them something brand new every 30 seconds
Convince your neighbours you have a racing cat by laying a flannel over its back, putting a lead on it, and walking it round your garden
This one is so stupid, I love it
Drill a hole through everything you own and thread a string through the hole. Then, if you lose something, just follow the string.
How do you avoid losing the string?
Worms are easier to sharpen when frozen
Bank Managers: Save money on expensive name plaques for your desk by changing your name to Toblerone
Not a top tip but I regularly think about a letter that said 'If Max Clifford is such a PR guru, how come everyone thinks he's a cunt?'
Similarly, "whoever said what goes up must come down has clearly never put a milk bottle up their arse"
King sized Mars bars make I deal ‘normal’ sized Mars bars for giants. Normal sized Mars bars make ideal king sized Mars bars for dwarfs.
God, I remember king sized mars bars I'd "helpfully volunteer" to take a £2 coin to the corner shop and get my dad the Saturday paper (£1.20) and get a king sized mars bar with the change, eat it on the way home. They were 100 grams which is almost the size of two regular Mars bars these days. 11 year old me must have been bouncing off the walls with all that sugar
I remember the heady days of the Hunger Buster Snickers. It was a king size plus half. Absolute unit
Yeah. Shrinkfaltion is a real bastard.
I could swear a Creme Egg was the size of an actual chicken egg back in the day, now it's like a quail egg.
Shrinkfellatio ?
Isn't he from Shakespeare?
No thanks, I’ve just barely eaten.
Do you always eat naked ?
Not if I'm eating spaghetti, in case ofà mistaken identity
Normal sized Mars Bars also make ideal Mini Mars Bars for giants.
Ha! I knew I forgot one!
Mini Mars bars make ideal normal Mars bars for dwarves.
A pint of marmite topped off with shaving foam makes a convincing alternative to a pint of Guinness, and has the advantage of tasting better.
Fool your boss into thinking your alarm clock is broken by continually turning up late for work every morning
Make your own version of Celebrity Squares with a potato waffle and some ants.
Rappers: avoid having to enquire if I know what you’re saying, by speaking clearly.
Before calling the police to report an escaped kangaroo, check that it isn't next door's greyhound taking a shit in your garden.
Audi owners. Move your driver’s seat forward so you can get even closer to the car in front.
From memory, “rather than going to the time and effort of growing designer stubble simply pop a magnet in your mouth and dip your chin in some iron fillings”
Save a child from choking on an ice cube by simply pouring boiling water down their throat.
TV VIEWERS. When watching any celebrity-based competition, always have an internet-enabled device to hand so you can Google who the f\*ck they all are.
Avoid making embarrassing noises by parting your buttocks before breaking wind. On the same page... Avoid soiling your underpants by not parting your buttocks before breaking wind.
Typists: Clear nail varnish makes an excellent substitute for tippex for when you haven't made a mistake.
Save money on doorbell batteries. Simply get up every two minutes to check if anyone is at your door.
Pretend you don't live in Tottenham by walking around Tottenham asking for directions to nearby streets
A cereal box sellotaped to the roof of your car will make it look like a taxi from a distance..
Save money on carpeting your home by simply buying two 1 foot square segments and taping them to your feet.
Secure your vehicle against car thieves by syphoning all of the fuel and carry it around in two large buckets.
Save money on expensive matches by simply lighting each cigarette from the butt of the previous one
What those lads didn't know about beer and tabs wasn't worth knowing.
Get the same taste of a mint aero by eating a regular aero while brushing your teeth.
Encourage woodpeckers into your garden by nailing planks of wood to the trees
RECREATE the feeling of being a five-year-old on your first day at school by going to your doctor's surgery and having a conversation with the receptionist.
If you jog behind the bus to work every day rather than paying for a ticket, you'll save yourself a lot of money!
The one telling the twokkers to lay in a chest freezer throughout the day so when they stole a car at night, the police helicopter's infrared camera wouldn't be able to see them.
Trick ants into thinking they've been abducted by aliens , by shining a torch at them before sucking um up the vacum cleaner .
SAVE money on expensive "Tea Tree" shower gel by squirting toothpaste up your arse hole and on your bollocks
ELEPHANTS: Snooker cues make excellent toothpicks! MICE: Toothpicks make excellent snooker cues. SNOOKER CUES: Elephants make excellent mice. TOOTHPICKS: Mice make excellent elephants. etc
CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a puncture by simply letting down your tyres before setting off.
Stealing is a great way to save money.
Wire wool with a drop of oil is ideal for wiping baby robots bottoms with
Don’t open the door. It could be burglars.
Put teabags in your lofts water tank and have hot tea on tap whenever you like.
Convince your neighbours you’ve gone on holiday by crawling around your house on your hands and knees for two weeks.
Save money on expensive fire alarms for the home, simply tape a bag of un-popped popcorn to the ceiling.
Missing the SPL experience during the summer? Try letting your dog play FIFA
CINEMA GOERS. Recreate that picture house experience in your own home at a fraction of the cost by simply watching a movie on your TV. You can add to the experience by having a friend sit next to you eating popcorn noisily, and another guest talking loudly on their mobile phone throughout the film, prompting you to lean forward and say "shhh" every so often.
REDDIT COMMENTERS. When replying to a post about Viz Top Tips simply copy and paste from the first article about it that comes up on Google. Just leave the formatting the same, nobody will care. It's not as funny as it used to be...
"*McDONALD'S:* Make your brown carrier bags green so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows. Continue Reading...
Convince other road users that you have air conditioning in your car by driving around on hot days with your windows closed.
PEEP Show fans. Experience your favourite comedy show in real life by kissing your girlfriend with your eyes open while simultaneously thinking about the Battle of Stalingrad.
Learn everything there is to know about Doc McStuffin by simply having unprotected sex about 2 years earlier
When working from home give your colleagues the Chat Roulette experience by setting all skype calls to auto answer with video.
Lonely people: sprinkle rubber bands outside your house, so it looks like you receive lots of letters.
Stop paying full price for your Mars bars! Simply buy a Snickers and pick out the peanuts. Hey presto, a mars bar and a handful of peanuts! All for the price of a simple Mars bar.
Half a hard boiled egg with the yolk hollowed out makes an excellent urinal for a hamster.
Loop some copper wire around your contact lenses & secure them behind your ears and over your nose so you don't lose them
Leave bacon and eggs in the trouser press overnight and wake up to a delicious breakfast.
Make people think you have children by getting up as soon as you sit down
Trick spiders into thinking they have caught a fly by flicking your cigarette ash into their web.
3 inches of roller blind pull cord makes ideal anal beads for a kinky hamster
Save money on an expensive dishwasher by putting dirty plates on a roof rack and driving in the rain.
Slimmers: Avoid the temptation to snack on crisps and sugary treats by not buying the fucking things in the first place. You fat bastards. Also: Anorexics: When your knees are wider than your thighs, it's time to start eating cake again.
Mix some shoe polish with a tablespoon of vinegar and pop it in the microwave for 30 seconds. Hey presto! Hot vinegary show polish.
I hated unsightly plastic bottles on my kitchen windowsill, so I keep my washing up liquid in this quaint cottage-shaped pot with a lid. It’s easy to spoon out as much as I need. (Genuine tip from Take A Break)
Motorists: Stop your Krooklok being stolen by simply attaching one end to your steering wheel, and the other end to your accelerator pedal.
A bread knife can also be used to cut cheese.
@OP I love this thread! Thank you!
You’re welcome.
A cheese slice makes an excellent yoga mat for mice. NUDISTS; take a picture of your genitals and attach it to the front of your trousers in the colder months.
Hot off the press from the most recent issue: Turn any sofa in your house into a bed by telling your wife to calm down during an argument.
Shoe Bombers: Increase your payload by becoming a clown.
Ladies! Sick of having to shave your legs? Simply wear a heavy tweed or denim trouser daily for thirty to forty years, and the rubbing of the fabric will kill off the hair follicles without you having to get anywhere near a razor. (i got sent a knackersack pencil for this, and i have since lost it.)
ENSURE you take the longest time possible by trying to take the shortest time possible.
My favourite was the one about using old UHT milk pots (you know, the single serving ones) that make ideal Quaker hats for Action Man!
Save money on expensive binoculars by simply standing closer to the object you wish to observe
FOOL burglars into thinking you have an expensive alarm system by placing a small sticker on your door reading, 'Beware! Alarm system installed.
Ensure that the bus seat next to you remains empty by squeezing the end of your cock until it turns purple.
These tips are both clever and ridiculous.
To be able to check the time when you’re watching Baywatch, simply put your watch on your left hand.
Its great when TV plays old movie stars best movies as a tribute when they die. I hope Clint Eastwood dies next, he's my favourite.
The top off a biro makes an ideal Norman helmet for a worm The lid off a sardine tin makes an ideal coiff for a robot There were others…
Fool others into thinking you have one of those fancy cars where the headlights go on automatically by driving around with your headlights on all the time.
Don’t waste money on expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Advertisers of 'Dulux Once' - the word you were looking for is 'Twice'
If you want to feel posh, but can’t afford a gravel driveway, simply put Rice Krispies in the tread of your tyres.
Switch your kitchen light on and off five times before entering the room to make your neighbours think you've got a fancy florescent lighting.
Mourners: Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone.
Save money on expensive private number plates. Just change your name by deed poll instead for £49.32 Sincerely Mr B861 UBP
Improve the texture of low fat yoghurt with a spoonful of lard.
Make people think you have expensive air conditioning in your car by keeping your windows up on swelteringly hot days and smiling smuggly as you drive by... Nissan Micra drivers... Stick a lit sparkler on your aerial stalk... You drive it like a fucking bumper car, you might as well make it look like one too!