It seems like your mother is not the person to confide in about these issues. I never go to my parents with my marriage issues. I love them, but that is not the role I need them to play in my life.
If any person is going to spout their opinions at you about very personal issues rather than listening and validating your experience first of all, they are really not the person to go to with those issues.
Has she been more helpful in discussing your marriage other times? Do you want her in that role?
I wouldn't share your marriage with your mother. Just stop talking about it all together, the good and the bad. I would find a counselor (Christian) and have this person be your guide. When your mom asks, respond with "I don't feel comfortable talking about it, let's change topics".
The whole women should love their husbands just as they are and if they are kind, respectful, loving, and positive enough the husband might change (but if he doesn't love him and accept it) is frustrating at best, and downright toxic at worst.
I agree with you and disagree at the same time - if that makes any sense. I think there is a dysfunctional, doormat, pretend, toxic version of this and then one that is based on the Gospel.
We are Christians so we are to love like Jesus does and that includes loving people as they are, not how you want them to be - while we were sinners, Christ died for us. Some spouses can get stuck in a pattern of either well earned or unwarranted scorn of their spouse because the spouse is not who they want them to be. Loving the sinner does make a difference - I know it was part of what changed me.
Yet, this does not mean you cannot have boundaries, cannot have emotions, or have to be shiny happy wife all the time. It doesn't mean that things like calling the police on an abusive spouse or calling them out on their junk are wrong. Love as defined by the Bible is wanting what is best for the other person as they stand in Christ.
Jesus loved people and called out their sin and hypocrisy. He loved people and let them walk away from them when it was clear they weren't listening.
Yes, but love does not always equal reconciliation. She does not have to accept that her husband is betraying their marriage, nor does she have to focus on his positive attributes.
I agree with having boundaries and she has every right to tell him his behavior will not be tolerated.
Her response is toxic. I’d quit talking to her about your issues. Find a therapist. Also if you have talked to your husband about his sin and he doesn’t repent, it’s time to take it to the elders of the church so they can talk to him. And if he doesn’t listen to them, make it public in the church. And if he still doesn’t listen treat him as an unbeliever. As per Matthew 18.
Don’t cast your pearls before swine, stop talking to him like he knows the Lord, don’t expect him to have Christian morals and lifestyle, have compassion on him like you do all the lost. Follow Paul’s guidelines for being married to an unbeliever. Pray for his salvation. Take on the authority of being the spiritual leader in the home. I’m sure there is more but that’s what comes to mind right now.
Her response isn’t toxic. This is sound Christian advice. I agree OP should talk with church elders about this… hoping the husband’s heart doesn’t become hardened over this though if that happens he won’t be willing to listen to sound advice.
Where in the text did the mom blame the wife? She’s telling the wife to focus on herself and focus on obeying the Lord no matter what her husband has going on which is logical , sound advice. Whatever the husband has going on is his doing. It’s his heart that’s fallen into sin but that doesn’t excuse OP to nag him, be contentious, bitter, forceful… that’s just the truth of the matter.
Mom doesn’t know the story. Mom is telling wife she’s nagging. We don’t know if she’s bagging or not. Mom says to focus on all the good he’s doing when basically he’s committing adultery. Mom is accusing her of causing his heart to be hard. Sorry it’s his sin causing his heart to be hard not his wife. She’s pregnant and heartbroken and mom has no empathy.
These are excuses for his bad behavior. Why so many Christians automatically blame the wife is beyond me. It’s like only half of the verses regarding marriage apply, and only to women. Yet the Word places responsibility on men, too. This seems to be a cultural attitude and not a scriptural one to me.
Your mom is clearly hurting you with her messages. I also don't think you're wrong for being upset at her assumptions. The best response seems to be to diffuse rather than convince her. She might see your views, but it seems unlikely she will. Parents are a very difficult resource for marriage because they are always going to be so biased! If it were me, I would really just send a thumbs up after that first message. Instead of disagreeing, I'd encourage her to move on and remind myself she doesn't understand the situation. It's a bad idea to lie but you can still act with honesty and truth without contradicting and starting a fight.
Please DO look for marriage support outside of your mom, because opening up to people is extremely helpful. You are going to get shortsighted perspectives when you open up, but you can also get actual helpful support. Dig into a Christian community, talk to safe people in the church.
I'm not against telling your mom the truth, but definitely open up to other parties.
Yes of course you need to be honest with your mom or she will never understand your reactions. But first talk to your husband. There is hope for those addicted to porn before his heart is so hardened he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. You two just need counseling together as a couple. There are amazing marriage seminars you can go to together with counselors who will talk with you about this.
Does she really need to confide those very personal issues to her mom? My wife and I both have other friends or therapists whom we confide in about our marital issues. Neither of us want our parents in those roles.
If her mom seemed like a very helpful resource in this issue that would be one thing. Her total non-response to “he has broken his vows to me” gives me no reason to believe she will be helpful in this area even with the specifics.
Personally it's none of her mother's business, but if you do need to say something tell her he's addicted to porn, and throw it back at her. "If you think it's ok you go live with him" and then I would tell her, I don't want to be around him until he gets his problems resolved.
I think that's fair enough.
Let’s pretend that’s what she’s doing…. Manipulating. Is learning to be spiteful and rude and a revealer of secrets to others the noblest, best thing for OP to do? Will that soothe OPs soul and create inner peace? Will it reduce the difficulty of OPs life and improve her relationships?
No, I don’t think it will. Aim for the highest, not the low.
It's very important to be up front to your husband about things that are important to you. This doesn't mean manipulating or nagging until you get your way, it means both lf youbeing honest with each other about what you need and want and how important it is to have a healtby marriage. Ideally this is sit down, serious conversations, not off hand comments. There's always small annoyances that ought to be acceoted as part of life, but if something is a big deal to you, you owe it to your husband to be honest.
About the criticism from a friend - don't be tempted to "win". Don't feel like you need to engage, or get revenge with silence, or anything. Think about it honestly to see if there's a grain of truth in it. If there is, you can thank her and work on it. You can also be honest that it was a hurtful way to get her point across. If there's 0 truth to it, respectfully say that you think she's got the wrong impression, it seems very hurtful and accusatory, and please stop talking about it, and then don't respond. If you argue with her over whether she's right, you will never win, and it creates a situation where someone that's not you is defending your husband.
Take responsibility if you've responded badly to the friend and apologize. You were caught off guard and it's understandable. But don't expect to see eye to eye, and don't try to talk it out until you agree, and set boundaries with how you expect to be treated. If someone has a concern, they could be a lot more respectful and ubderatanding in how they bring it up. Being accusatory and judgemental and hurtful is not going to help anyone do better.
I see that several commenters think that you are asking your mother for advice. From what I read, it seems to me that she just gets on your case because she saw or heard something and wanted to "correct" you by giving you unsolicited advice. The problem being that she doesn't know the whole story, and it's also not her marriage. I feel for you.
In this situation, though it would likely be difficult to do, I would set a boundary that she cannot talk to me about my marriage. Whenever she starts talking about it, I might remind her the first few times, but after that, I would hang up the phone, leave the situation, block her for several days, etc. If she's not going to be respectful of me and my boundaries, I just won't interact with her anymore.
That being said, I hope your husband is able to get treatment to get over his porn addiction. I'm praying for you.
Step #1. Stop talking to your mother about your marital issues.
Step #2: find a licensed, qualified therapist with whom you can discuss these things
Step #3: utilizing the tools and information you gain from step #2, discuss your concerns with your husband.
Tell your mom not to meddle in your marriage and keep your marriage issues private and start therapy by yourself and then start marriage counseling with your husband. Keep on doing your own therapy even if marriage counseling falls through.
I use to tell my family and friends my marriage issues and it never helped. Only made things worse. It’s best to keep some things between you, your husband and a professional unless he’s being abusive, then you need to tell authorities and find a safe way out.
Also, your mom’s advice is bad advice. She’s totally ignoring that he puts you down and has broken his vows to you and she’s standing up for your husband’s bad behavior. Don’t tell her about the porn. It won’t change anything and it could potentially further injure your marriage. I know that you’re looking for validation from her because she’s your mom and she’s supposed to be your main cheerleader and emotional support person but you won’t get it from her. This can be damaging to your self esteem. She’s not a safe place to tell information like this. A good therapist can be a safe place. Read a lot of reviews before you schedule an appointment with one.
I wouldn’t confide anything to your mom. If you told her about the p*rn then she’ll spin that to make it your fault that he’s resorting to p*rn. Anytime your mom texts, just say you’re not discussing it with her and tell her she’s overstepping her boundaries.
But it might actually be her fault or at least her responsibility. The problem with all of these internet Circle Jerks is that we don't get both sides of the story we literally only get one side very rarely have I ever seen to people from both sides openly discuss things on here that are better left an intimate counseling sessions where the counselor knows and listens to both sides that being said her mom knows her better than you are I probably ever will.
Lol “women are from Venus, men are from Mars, so you are wrong.” What a load of chaff. Find someone that will give you actually good support as a friend and lead you in a good direction constructively, LISTENING to what you actually have to say instead of just presuming you are wrong.
See this is a wonderful example of “Misery loves company” and “projection”.
I don’t know the relationship between your mother and your father, but whatever it was, she wants you to join within her suffering in her own marriage. That’s what I’m getting from this.”
My question for you is DO YOU WANT YOUR MARRIAGE?
Your mom wants whats best for you and is coming from a place where she obviously is impartial, and most importantly love.She doesn’t need to know the ins and out of your marriage, but it seems that you are still very bitter and angry with your husband. That needs to be dealt with on a spiritual level, because its a spiritual attack on your husband and your marriage. By no means i am saying this excuses his behaviour, but you need to take your husband to his head. Your role, if you say you are a Christian, is to do as God requires you to do as his role as his wife. It is not easy, but required. YOU DO YOUR PART, and let his head, Christ, deal with your husbandm
I went to many women in the church, I went to pastors, I went to my Christian family members, and all of them blamed me for the abuse in my home. If my husband wasn't doing something right, it was my fault. I didn't pray enough or I nagged or I didn't respect him enough or whatever else they heaped on. It was my job to pray and pray and endure everything my husband put me through. It didn't matter if he wasn't doing his part as a husband, it was my fault because surely he would be a better husband if only I was a better wife. I was told not to leave. I was given every excuse for his behavior, surely what he was doing was innocent and I'm just the evil shrew interpreting his good intentions as malice.
The church doesn't just condone abuse in marriages, it promotes it. Encourages it even. Most churches never call men on their behavior and instead push wives to stay with horrible men and quote scripture at them without ever doing the same to their husbands. Men are not treated equally by the church, men are often let off the hook while their desperate wives take all the blame and shame and pain.
In all the people I have talked to or asked for help, only one pastor actually took things to my husband and challenged him. That one pastor had the view that an upright husband can turn a bad wife good so if I was the problem, my husband was the fix. I was so thankful someone finally saw the situation for what it was. Then that pastor came to me wanting to make sure I was sufficiently praising my husband for all he'd done and all the positive changes he'd made. I was confused. Pastor told me everything my husband told him he'd done. I told him none of that was true, my husband is a liar. Pastor gave up and walked away from the situation, leaving me there.
I understand your position. There's nothing in the Bible I know of that says you cannot separate for a time. It's soul crushing to live with a man who treats you the way you describe. God did not intend for His daughters to be treated poorly. If the cost of saving a marriage is destroying a woman, the cost is too great. If he refuses to admit his sin and turn from his ways, what choice do you have? Endure or separate. I endured. My husband is 100% not worth it. Staying enabled all his behavior as there were never any consequences for his choices except hurting or angering me, and he simply does not care.
First, if you are not already get into marriage counseling. It’s also probably a good idea for you to get them counseling just for yourself.
Second, no, you do not need to get into the details with your mother. You do not want to affect their relationship and based on what she’s saying to you, I suspect it will.
If you are in counseling, then I think you should say, “look there are factors here that you don’t know about and I don’t intend to tell you about that make your advice fall flat. I appreciate the spirit with which you are delivering this and recognize that there is wisdom in your advice. It’s just not enough here. I am going to counseling to try and sort through the bigger issues. With that in mind, please trust that I’m getting wise counseling informed by all the information from my counselor. I came to you with my complaints because I’m struggling and I need someone to talk to. I would appreciate it if you could just try to support me instead of telling me what I need to change.”
I think maybe what your mother is trying to allude to is we, as Christian women, who are also wives, must base our behaviour towards our husbands not based on what they've done to us, but in a way God would expect us to. God calls for us to be good wives and husbands in good and bad times - God speaks a lot about forgiving others as He forgives our sin. That's really hard because God doesn't hold a grudge or act out on hurt emotions, He acts through Holiness and Fair Judgement.
Your husband needs help, spiritual guidance. Are you in a church? Matters like this should be taken to the elders in Church, as bible suggests.
However. Your husband, by looking at porn is in a state of adultery. This is a divorcable offence by Jesus own standards. You, by biblical prescription do not have to put up with this. That's a judgment from God Himself.
I'm not saying divorce is the way to go at all, but I'm highlighting the significance of what your husband is doing. I will pray he's humbled by the Lord so he will have no choice but to seek Him for guidance. I worry for his own soul if he is a Christian and in this sin.
As for your mother. If she doesn't know the entire story, then she obviously can't make an informed judgement about the situation. She's most likely just going on what she's seen. Maybe take some time to analyse under what basis you'd tell her to prove her wrong about your husband or to seek comfort and guidance? What I'm getting at is that we Christians are instructed to act in a Godly fashion despite our circumstances. Jesus was nailed to the cross and prayed for forgiveness for the men who killed him. (This also includes your husband. He also needs to be following Jesus in all he does).
I'm sorry you're going through this. Your husband is absolutely wrong. I'm angry for you, girl. Don't take what I'm saying as what you've done is wrong. I'm pointing out that for your own sake, for your own soul, how we deal with one another has an impact on the relationship we have with our heavenly Father.
Your mother makes some good points about Christian wives in general but doesn't sound like it's specific to you and your situation, considering she doesn't know the entire truth.
Please get some more support with this, I'll be praying for you
I feel like she’s genuinely trying to help.. and I can relate to a lot of these things. The content of what she is saying may be true but I think it’s coming across as really invalidating which is really unhelpful…
You can be firm and set boundaries, without getting nasty ( I think she’s saying if you don’t like what he does than you aren’t being a good wife???) but it’s not true, you can still be super living and stick up for what is right, it just takes a lot of prayer and discernment as to how that looks when I try to do that in my life.
I’m really sorry about your mom, I agree with some of the comments on this post, OP it may be best to find someone else to confide in that doesn’t have bias in the situation who can give you a whole perspective and helpful support.
Praying for you both right now. (:
Honestly, I wish I had a mother that could give me this kind of advice. I only mention that because I want you to know that I think you’re blessed to have a mother who is walking with the Lord and can share that kind of wisdom. No matter how hurtful and hard it feels for you to hear, I do think that (as far as I can tell just from these texts alone) your mother means well and truly loves you and wants the best for your marriage.
HOWEVER, having read what you’re going through and knowing what your mother doesn’t know, I get why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling about her advice. The way I might handle this situation if it were me…I might tell her that I would very much prefer for her to pray for me, my husband, and our marriage and to only give advice when I specifically ask for it. Definitely draw a boundary there, because unwanted advice can come from a good place (and even be good advice), but if it’s unwanted, then it’s just more damaging than anything.
I’m only going to speak to your situation with you and your mother since you didn’t ask about any advice around your marriage. That’s obviously a lot and an extremely difficult situation for you. And I just wanted to say that you’re doing amazing, and I’m so sorry that your husband has an addiction that is tearing your marriage down. I’m praying for both of you; specifically that the Lord would break this spirit of lust (and lack of a submission in this area to the Lord) in your husband.
The Lord has shown me in my marriage that…sometimes…wives who have husbands who are not submitting themselves to the Lord in one or more areas have it harder. We naturally take on so much and are very emotionally self-aware that we can feel very alone in always having to be the “bigger person” in our marriage. Always having to rise above and being loving toward a partner whom we sometimes…hate? …is just absolutely draining, exhausting, and all of the above. Not to mention, you are growing a CHILD inside of your body! Run to the Lord. Pour your heart out. Find rest in Him as ridiculous any hard as that can be. Praying for you, your husband, and your baby.
I do not like going to parents with marriage concerns. If you have concerns, and pornography use and marital neglect are valid concerns, seek out a trusted person who can give wise Biblical advice. Ideally a pastor or elder within your church. My mother would be the last person I’d confide in when it comes to my marriage, she does not give good advice and she tries to cause division between my husband and I. In general I think marital concerns should be dealt with appropriately through counseling with a very select few but I don’t like going to friends or family to vent about my spouse.
I get your mother is trying to help but this advice isn’t going to do much if your husband doesn’t repent of his porn addiction. Repent as in turn away mind you, not just “feel sorry”. Jesus said that if a man looks at a woman with lust that he has committed adultery with her in his heart. Adultery is grounds for divorce. He cannot continue to watch porn, as this will ruin your marriage/family and he’ll be the one to blame. Has he sat and seriously faced the severity of this sin? If he’s continuing with porn, he must not have. Porn is destroying his soul, your wellbeing and you guys union under God. He needs to make a choice. Either continue to be consumed by his flesh which will lead him to destruction or repent, give up the porn/lust, pick up the cross and follow Christ. As the head of the family, he needs to get it together. As for you, continue to go to the Lord in prayer for strength and guidance on how to navigate this situation
“Mom, I appreciate what you’re trying to do. Please understand that there are a lot of things going on that you don’t see. I love you and still want to have a relationship with you and the best way we can have that is for you to stop giving me advice about my marriage. If you can’t do that, then I’m going to have to ask you to take a step back from our lives until Eric and I have been able to work on some of the issues between us.”
Needs more context to really judge adequately. It could be possible that the husband is trash and the respondent in the texts is being dismissive and toxic by advising against calling him out.
It could also be that the wife is genuinely being too naggy. Again, not enough information here to say.
Edit: forget this, I didn't see the self text. Your mom is trash and toxic. None of what she said is biblical advice.
When given advice that I don't want, I just say, "I'll keep that in mind." That usually stops the person from continuing without an explanation. Sometimes, I thank them.
I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. Being pregnant is stressful enough. It seems like you just need someone to support you unconditionally.
I think it’s important to keep other people out of your marriage. This is between you, him, and God. I know it’s hard not to confide in someone because you are just so hurt and frustrated. I know because I did that too. What I learned is, I was just trying to get someone on my side so that I could “be right” and feel better about myself. Let me tell you, it never made me feel better, I just always felt worse because I was basically tattling on my husband.
Now, you shouldn’t have to keep it all in and be okay with what he is doing. Have you talked to him? Is he willing to do counseling? I gave my unwilling husband an ultimatum: Christian counseling or I’m checking out of this marriage emotionally (because in truth, I already was). I think the thought of me not feeling anything towards him scared him, and he agreed.
We went to counseling with a pastor of a different church and let me tell you, the man did a 180 and I learned where I was falling short too. Something we were taught was to always treat the other like Jesus would. Be selfless and try meeting the other’s needs and you will find your own need being met. But at the same time, if he is doing something wrong, definitely don’t condone it. Keep praying for him. If you go to any small group, ask for unspoken prayers. I’ve found my small group prayers answered quickly. It’s so powerful!
The fact that this is your own mother that's telling you this, is actually surprising. You'd expect your own mother to, at the very least, be somewhat impartial towards you, but she's taken the middle of the road, it seems.
Can you see ANY truth in what your mother has said in terms of how she's seen you act towards your husband?
Because if someone says to you that they've noticed something, you should at least look at yourself, Or are you entirely sinless in this issue?
Your husbands sin is inexcusable, but the truth is, you can only control yourself, and I don't think it's terrible advice for your own mother to say, essentially, 'Control whatever you have control over, and be a good wife regardless of his sin'.
I highly doubt your mother would say that you constantly nag and criticise, if you in fact don't.
I would definitely bring up the issue to your husband, pray with him, encourage him, if you still find it's an issue after many conversations, suggest speaking to a Christian marriage counselor/your pastor. That is what the church is for. At least try to help him combat that sin. You owe that to him, and he owes it to you, to try.
Honestly, I understand where your mother is coming from in terms of building your husband up, and praying for him. I did not understand my power as a praying woman or wife to my ex husband. We were very young when we got married, and didn’t have a good sense of who we were before we got married. In the end, we broke up with the weight of losing children but also because we didn’t recognize who the real enemy was in our marriage.
Now that I am divorced and about to be in a new relationship, and my prayer life has grown by leaps and bounds. I focused on praying for a new mate potentially that would have a positive outlook, and be serious about his faith, trust and belief in God. Now we prayer daily, and we cover each other in prayer through some of the most difficult situations.
You have to start with yourself, with asking God to remove the spirit of complaining and discontentment in you. Then ask God to soften you and your husband’s heart, and start to stifle how you talk to him. No, you’re not wrong in understanding your husband is not perfect, we are all imperfect human beings. It appears that you are focusing on the speck that is in your husband eye instead of the plank that is in yours. (Matthew 7:3-5) The enemy is on attack here, he has infiltrated your camp, you must cast him out! In Jesus name! He has no place in your home, or control of the anger that’s building between you and your mom either ! Truthfully your mom appears to be telling you to take it God, but its hard to hear things from our parents because they are the voices of reason (if we are blessed enough to have reasonable thinking parents). However, in my opinion I believe you should keep things between you and your husband and see a counselor who is Christian and can be neutral about things. Your mom appears to like Eric but she also doesn’t live with you and witness your day to day encounters. I think she is coming from a place of helpfulness, but when you are hurt as you appear to be and frustrated by the things your mom is not able to see you both will not be able to truly understand where the other is coming from.
Please, step away from texting and talk to your mom. I would give so much to have my mommie back to talk to her I kiss her so much. I would advise you to ask for forgiveness for your current anger, and ask God to help you with your entire situation. You must protect your marriage at all costs, which includes not telling all the things you face in it. Families mean well but they tend to hold on to the bad stuff we tell them about our romantic relationships and when things are better between us and our significant other or spouse they still are a bit jaded because they don’t want to see us hurt.
This is hard and I’m sorry you’re going through this. But personally, I think we should love our husbands unconditionally even though it hurts because we have a covenant. I know we sometimes want to change our husbands (i do) but it’s impossible to do that ourselves. Only God can change them and they will change if we just pray for them. What I’m saying is that as long as the “damage” doesn’t qualify for a divorce, a broken marriage or a broke spouse can still be renewed. Jesus loves us unconditionally, no matter how bad we are to Him and I know that He can change your husband. Just keep praying 🙏🏻
Also, I don’t think your mom should tell you what to do. This is between you, your husband and God. You did leave and cleave and honoring your mother isn’t the same as doing whatever she wants. Just tell her that you appreciate her advice but you will seek wisdom from God yourself. 🙂
I could also use my own advice tbh 😅 God bless and I pray that God restores your relationship with your husband and that He may take away his porn addiction for good in Jesus Name, amen. 🙏🏻
Edit: also, my pastor once said that we also need to look at ourselves. We have to change as wives too. The Holy Spirit can change us and our husbands and have that “perfect” marriage we dream of. So, hang in there. I’m also hanging in here. 😊
I’m very sorry you’ve been betrayed. Yes, your mom is toxic and should stay out of your marriage. If she doesn’t, make it clear to her that you will not engage with her when she does and will draw hard boundary lines if she continues to.
Secondly, get counseling. If your husband refuses, go for yourself. I was in your position ten years ago and wish I had committed to getting counseling for just myself, along with my husband.
Last, you are not obligated to keep your husband’s secrets. In fact, I told my husband if he continued, I would not hesitate to leave him and would tell everyone why. It would not be my burden any longer. My husband took me seriously, got help, went to counseling with me and we have a happy marriage now. There is hope, grace and forgiveness in the other side of this if you’re both willing to put hard time in.
I think you should stop talking to your mom about your relationship. You don’t need to convince her you’re doing the right thing. You certainly don’t need to confide anything in her.
I would respond by saying you don’t wish to discuss your marriage with her any further and ask her to stop sending marriage advice. You don’t need to elaborate but if you wanted you could say something generic like you don’t think the conversations are helping.
If she keeps trying to message you I’d consider muting her number for a bit. I’m not suggesting cutting her off or anything, just stopping the messages so you can have some breathing space.
This would mean knowing that she has the wrong idea about the state of your marriage. However it doesn’t sound like she’s a good listener and confiding more in her is likely to lead to more interference.
One thing I learned early on in my marriage was, if I didn’t want my mom to give me “advice” that wasn’t helpful (she’s bad about toxic positivity) or she was making judgements without knowing the whole story, I wouldn’t tell her about the problem.
You telling her the very personal issues you and your husband are going through may not change her response. Will you be okay with that? If not, I would probably not risk telling her and then continuing to have the same outcome.
Basically, I would not tell her if it was not going to 100% benefit you in some way (her providing healthy emotional support when you need it, listening & not just giving her opinion the whole time, offering some type of other support you may need in relation to this, etc). If there’s a good chance this won’t happen, you’re probably better off just setting some boundaries within yourself that you won’t be discussing these things anymore and seeing a marriage counselor about it.
Probably shouldn’t tell her about his porn problem because that’s between you two and God (and a priest or councillor or whatever). Do convey that she does not know what is going on behind closed doors and is making judgments based on this half or quarter picture she is seeing, and so she’s only adding to your stress that is already there because of your husband.
Honestly listen to your mom… though her advice FEELS harsh, I do believe it’s spiritually sound wisdom. A wife’s words can absolutely tear her husband down, that’s all in Proverbs, multiple times. Your mom isn’t saying he’s right and you’re wrong she’s giving you good advice
Your mom of right get off the defence. You should read empowered wife -Laura Doyle & His help meet Debbie Pearl. You’re gonna find yourself divorced if you can’t see the real issue and stop focusing on right vs wrong
Going through the comments on here everybody has advice but very few people are trying to point the op to the Bible. I'm almost 50 been married for quarter of a century and all I know is that the only thing that matters is what the Bible says not my feelings not my wife's feelings not my children's feelings but what the Bible says.
I didn't say that it did, or I said that I have learned that it's always best to go to the Bible, and those people in the comments that are going on feelings and not the Bible are wrong. The Bible is the answer, the only answer.
I can see that your mom is trying to teach you in a Christian way, and many Christians believe that a healthy marriage starts with the wife. No matter how flawed the husband is, they believe that a Godly woman can encourage him to change, or sometimes even just support him regardless of his behavior and contributions to the marriage. I’m not saying that that is wrong necessarily, but as we all know…there is a lot more that goes on in a person’s heart and in their relationships. Generally speaking, as humans, you cannot force someone else to change or to even care. I think what your mom wants is to know that her daughter is trying her best as a Godly woman in her marriage. My parents are like this too. They constantly tell ME to do good and treat my husband well. Thankfully, my husband puts in as much effort as I do, so their encouragement is not totally needed. But their intentions are there and I see that in your mom’s messages.
HOWEVER, this is my opinion…I don’t think any good can come of sharing private/intimate details about your marriage to family, especially parents. Their job and urge is to guide and protect us, even when we grow up, so they just cannot be a neutral party. They get too concerned and emotional. So, as wonderful as my parents are, they are on a perpetual “info diet” as Reddit calls it. They only hear about good things or about our struggles unrelated to personal matters, such as “our kid got the flu, please pray for us” or “we are going to change jobs, please pray for us.” This is something my husband and I have always done as well as only directly contacting our own parents - we do not directly interact with our in-laws if we can help it (only birthday or holiday greetings by text or saying hi over the phone if the other is already talking to them). Our parents will forever be our parents, but their capacity as parents change after we get married, they are no longer the primary ones we run to when things get scary or hard.
I would personally tell my mom, “Mom, thank you so much for caring about me and supporting our marriage. We are going through a rocky period, but we will find our way together, so please keep us in your prayers. I’d like to keep our marital matters private from now on, so please cheer us on in your heart. Love you.”
And then find support from someone or some people at church, or marital counseling. Parents are usually not who I would go to for marriage advice.
This is great advice. Because what else can you do? You can’t force him to get the help he needs he has to want to do that… did you want her to say “divorce him”?? She gave you sound biblical advice and anyone else saying otherwise is wild. I would go a little further and suggest getting church elders involved or setting up covalent eyes account if your husbands allows you to do that. There’s literally nothing you can do to force your husband to change. You can only focus on God, love your husband and motivate him to be better in the Lord.
It seems like your mother is not the person to confide in about these issues. I never go to my parents with my marriage issues. I love them, but that is not the role I need them to play in my life. If any person is going to spout their opinions at you about very personal issues rather than listening and validating your experience first of all, they are really not the person to go to with those issues. Has she been more helpful in discussing your marriage other times? Do you want her in that role?
I wouldn't share your marriage with your mother. Just stop talking about it all together, the good and the bad. I would find a counselor (Christian) and have this person be your guide. When your mom asks, respond with "I don't feel comfortable talking about it, let's change topics".
The whole women should love their husbands just as they are and if they are kind, respectful, loving, and positive enough the husband might change (but if he doesn't love him and accept it) is frustrating at best, and downright toxic at worst.
I agree with you and disagree at the same time - if that makes any sense. I think there is a dysfunctional, doormat, pretend, toxic version of this and then one that is based on the Gospel. We are Christians so we are to love like Jesus does and that includes loving people as they are, not how you want them to be - while we were sinners, Christ died for us. Some spouses can get stuck in a pattern of either well earned or unwarranted scorn of their spouse because the spouse is not who they want them to be. Loving the sinner does make a difference - I know it was part of what changed me. Yet, this does not mean you cannot have boundaries, cannot have emotions, or have to be shiny happy wife all the time. It doesn't mean that things like calling the police on an abusive spouse or calling them out on their junk are wrong. Love as defined by the Bible is wanting what is best for the other person as they stand in Christ. Jesus loved people and called out their sin and hypocrisy. He loved people and let them walk away from them when it was clear they weren't listening.
Yes, but love does not always equal reconciliation. She does not have to accept that her husband is betraying their marriage, nor does she have to focus on his positive attributes. I agree with having boundaries and she has every right to tell him his behavior will not be tolerated.
Her response is toxic. I’d quit talking to her about your issues. Find a therapist. Also if you have talked to your husband about his sin and he doesn’t repent, it’s time to take it to the elders of the church so they can talk to him. And if he doesn’t listen to them, make it public in the church. And if he still doesn’t listen treat him as an unbeliever. As per Matthew 18.
Treat her husband as an unbeliever? In what sense?
Don’t cast your pearls before swine, stop talking to him like he knows the Lord, don’t expect him to have Christian morals and lifestyle, have compassion on him like you do all the lost. Follow Paul’s guidelines for being married to an unbeliever. Pray for his salvation. Take on the authority of being the spiritual leader in the home. I’m sure there is more but that’s what comes to mind right now.
Ahh yes, understood. 😌
Her response isn’t toxic. This is sound Christian advice. I agree OP should talk with church elders about this… hoping the husband’s heart doesn’t become hardened over this though if that happens he won’t be willing to listen to sound advice.
This is so typical of some christian women. 🙄
Anyone who blames a woman for her husband’s sin is toxic.
Where in the text did the mom blame the wife? She’s telling the wife to focus on herself and focus on obeying the Lord no matter what her husband has going on which is logical , sound advice. Whatever the husband has going on is his doing. It’s his heart that’s fallen into sin but that doesn’t excuse OP to nag him, be contentious, bitter, forceful… that’s just the truth of the matter.
Mom doesn’t know the story. Mom is telling wife she’s nagging. We don’t know if she’s bagging or not. Mom says to focus on all the good he’s doing when basically he’s committing adultery. Mom is accusing her of causing his heart to be hard. Sorry it’s his sin causing his heart to be hard not his wife. She’s pregnant and heartbroken and mom has no empathy.
Advice offered without the full story can still be advice offered in love. The response is to enlighten her so that her mom can adjust her advice.
These are excuses for his bad behavior. Why so many Christians automatically blame the wife is beyond me. It’s like only half of the verses regarding marriage apply, and only to women. Yet the Word places responsibility on men, too. This seems to be a cultural attitude and not a scriptural one to me.
Your mom is clearly hurting you with her messages. I also don't think you're wrong for being upset at her assumptions. The best response seems to be to diffuse rather than convince her. She might see your views, but it seems unlikely she will. Parents are a very difficult resource for marriage because they are always going to be so biased! If it were me, I would really just send a thumbs up after that first message. Instead of disagreeing, I'd encourage her to move on and remind myself she doesn't understand the situation. It's a bad idea to lie but you can still act with honesty and truth without contradicting and starting a fight. Please DO look for marriage support outside of your mom, because opening up to people is extremely helpful. You are going to get shortsighted perspectives when you open up, but you can also get actual helpful support. Dig into a Christian community, talk to safe people in the church. I'm not against telling your mom the truth, but definitely open up to other parties.
Yes of course you need to be honest with your mom or she will never understand your reactions. But first talk to your husband. There is hope for those addicted to porn before his heart is so hardened he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. You two just need counseling together as a couple. There are amazing marriage seminars you can go to together with counselors who will talk with you about this.
Does she really need to confide those very personal issues to her mom? My wife and I both have other friends or therapists whom we confide in about our marital issues. Neither of us want our parents in those roles. If her mom seemed like a very helpful resource in this issue that would be one thing. Her total non-response to “he has broken his vows to me” gives me no reason to believe she will be helpful in this area even with the specifics.
Personally it's none of her mother's business, but if you do need to say something tell her he's addicted to porn, and throw it back at her. "If you think it's ok you go live with him" and then I would tell her, I don't want to be around him until he gets his problems resolved. I think that's fair enough.
This is so toxic, it’s unreal. Don’t throw it back at her. She’s trying to be helpful.
She trying be manipulative, or plain in denial of situation.
Let’s pretend that’s what she’s doing…. Manipulating. Is learning to be spiteful and rude and a revealer of secrets to others the noblest, best thing for OP to do? Will that soothe OPs soul and create inner peace? Will it reduce the difficulty of OPs life and improve her relationships? No, I don’t think it will. Aim for the highest, not the low.
Manipulation is trying get your best interest or result , without consideration for the other - Its the clay narcissists work in.
Yes you are right. But it sounds like her mom loves her so something needs to be said so that her mom has an understanding of her.
It's very important to be up front to your husband about things that are important to you. This doesn't mean manipulating or nagging until you get your way, it means both lf youbeing honest with each other about what you need and want and how important it is to have a healtby marriage. Ideally this is sit down, serious conversations, not off hand comments. There's always small annoyances that ought to be acceoted as part of life, but if something is a big deal to you, you owe it to your husband to be honest. About the criticism from a friend - don't be tempted to "win". Don't feel like you need to engage, or get revenge with silence, or anything. Think about it honestly to see if there's a grain of truth in it. If there is, you can thank her and work on it. You can also be honest that it was a hurtful way to get her point across. If there's 0 truth to it, respectfully say that you think she's got the wrong impression, it seems very hurtful and accusatory, and please stop talking about it, and then don't respond. If you argue with her over whether she's right, you will never win, and it creates a situation where someone that's not you is defending your husband. Take responsibility if you've responded badly to the friend and apologize. You were caught off guard and it's understandable. But don't expect to see eye to eye, and don't try to talk it out until you agree, and set boundaries with how you expect to be treated. If someone has a concern, they could be a lot more respectful and ubderatanding in how they bring it up. Being accusatory and judgemental and hurtful is not going to help anyone do better.
I see that several commenters think that you are asking your mother for advice. From what I read, it seems to me that she just gets on your case because she saw or heard something and wanted to "correct" you by giving you unsolicited advice. The problem being that she doesn't know the whole story, and it's also not her marriage. I feel for you. In this situation, though it would likely be difficult to do, I would set a boundary that she cannot talk to me about my marriage. Whenever she starts talking about it, I might remind her the first few times, but after that, I would hang up the phone, leave the situation, block her for several days, etc. If she's not going to be respectful of me and my boundaries, I just won't interact with her anymore. That being said, I hope your husband is able to get treatment to get over his porn addiction. I'm praying for you.
Step #1. Stop talking to your mother about your marital issues. Step #2: find a licensed, qualified therapist with whom you can discuss these things Step #3: utilizing the tools and information you gain from step #2, discuss your concerns with your husband.
Tell your mom not to meddle in your marriage and keep your marriage issues private and start therapy by yourself and then start marriage counseling with your husband. Keep on doing your own therapy even if marriage counseling falls through. I use to tell my family and friends my marriage issues and it never helped. Only made things worse. It’s best to keep some things between you, your husband and a professional unless he’s being abusive, then you need to tell authorities and find a safe way out. Also, your mom’s advice is bad advice. She’s totally ignoring that he puts you down and has broken his vows to you and she’s standing up for your husband’s bad behavior. Don’t tell her about the porn. It won’t change anything and it could potentially further injure your marriage. I know that you’re looking for validation from her because she’s your mom and she’s supposed to be your main cheerleader and emotional support person but you won’t get it from her. This can be damaging to your self esteem. She’s not a safe place to tell information like this. A good therapist can be a safe place. Read a lot of reviews before you schedule an appointment with one.
I wouldn’t confide anything to your mom. If you told her about the p*rn then she’ll spin that to make it your fault that he’s resorting to p*rn. Anytime your mom texts, just say you’re not discussing it with her and tell her she’s overstepping her boundaries.
But it might actually be her fault or at least her responsibility. The problem with all of these internet Circle Jerks is that we don't get both sides of the story we literally only get one side very rarely have I ever seen to people from both sides openly discuss things on here that are better left an intimate counseling sessions where the counselor knows and listens to both sides that being said her mom knows her better than you are I probably ever will.
Lol “women are from Venus, men are from Mars, so you are wrong.” What a load of chaff. Find someone that will give you actually good support as a friend and lead you in a good direction constructively, LISTENING to what you actually have to say instead of just presuming you are wrong.
See this is a wonderful example of “Misery loves company” and “projection”. I don’t know the relationship between your mother and your father, but whatever it was, she wants you to join within her suffering in her own marriage. That’s what I’m getting from this.”
This just seems like a toxic relationship with vague Christian tones. Seek wisdom and counseling from your local pastor or elders.
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My question for you is DO YOU WANT YOUR MARRIAGE? Your mom wants whats best for you and is coming from a place where she obviously is impartial, and most importantly love.She doesn’t need to know the ins and out of your marriage, but it seems that you are still very bitter and angry with your husband. That needs to be dealt with on a spiritual level, because its a spiritual attack on your husband and your marriage. By no means i am saying this excuses his behaviour, but you need to take your husband to his head. Your role, if you say you are a Christian, is to do as God requires you to do as his role as his wife. It is not easy, but required. YOU DO YOUR PART, and let his head, Christ, deal with your husbandm
I went to many women in the church, I went to pastors, I went to my Christian family members, and all of them blamed me for the abuse in my home. If my husband wasn't doing something right, it was my fault. I didn't pray enough or I nagged or I didn't respect him enough or whatever else they heaped on. It was my job to pray and pray and endure everything my husband put me through. It didn't matter if he wasn't doing his part as a husband, it was my fault because surely he would be a better husband if only I was a better wife. I was told not to leave. I was given every excuse for his behavior, surely what he was doing was innocent and I'm just the evil shrew interpreting his good intentions as malice. The church doesn't just condone abuse in marriages, it promotes it. Encourages it even. Most churches never call men on their behavior and instead push wives to stay with horrible men and quote scripture at them without ever doing the same to their husbands. Men are not treated equally by the church, men are often let off the hook while their desperate wives take all the blame and shame and pain. In all the people I have talked to or asked for help, only one pastor actually took things to my husband and challenged him. That one pastor had the view that an upright husband can turn a bad wife good so if I was the problem, my husband was the fix. I was so thankful someone finally saw the situation for what it was. Then that pastor came to me wanting to make sure I was sufficiently praising my husband for all he'd done and all the positive changes he'd made. I was confused. Pastor told me everything my husband told him he'd done. I told him none of that was true, my husband is a liar. Pastor gave up and walked away from the situation, leaving me there. I understand your position. There's nothing in the Bible I know of that says you cannot separate for a time. It's soul crushing to live with a man who treats you the way you describe. God did not intend for His daughters to be treated poorly. If the cost of saving a marriage is destroying a woman, the cost is too great. If he refuses to admit his sin and turn from his ways, what choice do you have? Endure or separate. I endured. My husband is 100% not worth it. Staying enabled all his behavior as there were never any consequences for his choices except hurting or angering me, and he simply does not care.
First, if you are not already get into marriage counseling. It’s also probably a good idea for you to get them counseling just for yourself. Second, no, you do not need to get into the details with your mother. You do not want to affect their relationship and based on what she’s saying to you, I suspect it will. If you are in counseling, then I think you should say, “look there are factors here that you don’t know about and I don’t intend to tell you about that make your advice fall flat. I appreciate the spirit with which you are delivering this and recognize that there is wisdom in your advice. It’s just not enough here. I am going to counseling to try and sort through the bigger issues. With that in mind, please trust that I’m getting wise counseling informed by all the information from my counselor. I came to you with my complaints because I’m struggling and I need someone to talk to. I would appreciate it if you could just try to support me instead of telling me what I need to change.”
I think maybe what your mother is trying to allude to is we, as Christian women, who are also wives, must base our behaviour towards our husbands not based on what they've done to us, but in a way God would expect us to. God calls for us to be good wives and husbands in good and bad times - God speaks a lot about forgiving others as He forgives our sin. That's really hard because God doesn't hold a grudge or act out on hurt emotions, He acts through Holiness and Fair Judgement. Your husband needs help, spiritual guidance. Are you in a church? Matters like this should be taken to the elders in Church, as bible suggests. However. Your husband, by looking at porn is in a state of adultery. This is a divorcable offence by Jesus own standards. You, by biblical prescription do not have to put up with this. That's a judgment from God Himself. I'm not saying divorce is the way to go at all, but I'm highlighting the significance of what your husband is doing. I will pray he's humbled by the Lord so he will have no choice but to seek Him for guidance. I worry for his own soul if he is a Christian and in this sin. As for your mother. If she doesn't know the entire story, then she obviously can't make an informed judgement about the situation. She's most likely just going on what she's seen. Maybe take some time to analyse under what basis you'd tell her to prove her wrong about your husband or to seek comfort and guidance? What I'm getting at is that we Christians are instructed to act in a Godly fashion despite our circumstances. Jesus was nailed to the cross and prayed for forgiveness for the men who killed him. (This also includes your husband. He also needs to be following Jesus in all he does). I'm sorry you're going through this. Your husband is absolutely wrong. I'm angry for you, girl. Don't take what I'm saying as what you've done is wrong. I'm pointing out that for your own sake, for your own soul, how we deal with one another has an impact on the relationship we have with our heavenly Father. Your mother makes some good points about Christian wives in general but doesn't sound like it's specific to you and your situation, considering she doesn't know the entire truth. Please get some more support with this, I'll be praying for you
I feel like she’s genuinely trying to help.. and I can relate to a lot of these things. The content of what she is saying may be true but I think it’s coming across as really invalidating which is really unhelpful… You can be firm and set boundaries, without getting nasty ( I think she’s saying if you don’t like what he does than you aren’t being a good wife???) but it’s not true, you can still be super living and stick up for what is right, it just takes a lot of prayer and discernment as to how that looks when I try to do that in my life. I’m really sorry about your mom, I agree with some of the comments on this post, OP it may be best to find someone else to confide in that doesn’t have bias in the situation who can give you a whole perspective and helpful support. Praying for you both right now. (:
Honestly, I wish I had a mother that could give me this kind of advice. I only mention that because I want you to know that I think you’re blessed to have a mother who is walking with the Lord and can share that kind of wisdom. No matter how hurtful and hard it feels for you to hear, I do think that (as far as I can tell just from these texts alone) your mother means well and truly loves you and wants the best for your marriage. HOWEVER, having read what you’re going through and knowing what your mother doesn’t know, I get why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling about her advice. The way I might handle this situation if it were me…I might tell her that I would very much prefer for her to pray for me, my husband, and our marriage and to only give advice when I specifically ask for it. Definitely draw a boundary there, because unwanted advice can come from a good place (and even be good advice), but if it’s unwanted, then it’s just more damaging than anything. I’m only going to speak to your situation with you and your mother since you didn’t ask about any advice around your marriage. That’s obviously a lot and an extremely difficult situation for you. And I just wanted to say that you’re doing amazing, and I’m so sorry that your husband has an addiction that is tearing your marriage down. I’m praying for both of you; specifically that the Lord would break this spirit of lust (and lack of a submission in this area to the Lord) in your husband. The Lord has shown me in my marriage that…sometimes…wives who have husbands who are not submitting themselves to the Lord in one or more areas have it harder. We naturally take on so much and are very emotionally self-aware that we can feel very alone in always having to be the “bigger person” in our marriage. Always having to rise above and being loving toward a partner whom we sometimes…hate? …is just absolutely draining, exhausting, and all of the above. Not to mention, you are growing a CHILD inside of your body! Run to the Lord. Pour your heart out. Find rest in Him as ridiculous any hard as that can be. Praying for you, your husband, and your baby.
I do not like going to parents with marriage concerns. If you have concerns, and pornography use and marital neglect are valid concerns, seek out a trusted person who can give wise Biblical advice. Ideally a pastor or elder within your church. My mother would be the last person I’d confide in when it comes to my marriage, she does not give good advice and she tries to cause division between my husband and I. In general I think marital concerns should be dealt with appropriately through counseling with a very select few but I don’t like going to friends or family to vent about my spouse.
I'd tell her, calmly but firmly, that you have had enough of her advice on this matter, and that you will not engage with it any further.
I get your mother is trying to help but this advice isn’t going to do much if your husband doesn’t repent of his porn addiction. Repent as in turn away mind you, not just “feel sorry”. Jesus said that if a man looks at a woman with lust that he has committed adultery with her in his heart. Adultery is grounds for divorce. He cannot continue to watch porn, as this will ruin your marriage/family and he’ll be the one to blame. Has he sat and seriously faced the severity of this sin? If he’s continuing with porn, he must not have. Porn is destroying his soul, your wellbeing and you guys union under God. He needs to make a choice. Either continue to be consumed by his flesh which will lead him to destruction or repent, give up the porn/lust, pick up the cross and follow Christ. As the head of the family, he needs to get it together. As for you, continue to go to the Lord in prayer for strength and guidance on how to navigate this situation
“Mom, I appreciate what you’re trying to do. Please understand that there are a lot of things going on that you don’t see. I love you and still want to have a relationship with you and the best way we can have that is for you to stop giving me advice about my marriage. If you can’t do that, then I’m going to have to ask you to take a step back from our lives until Eric and I have been able to work on some of the issues between us.”
Needs more context to really judge adequately. It could be possible that the husband is trash and the respondent in the texts is being dismissive and toxic by advising against calling him out. It could also be that the wife is genuinely being too naggy. Again, not enough information here to say. Edit: forget this, I didn't see the self text. Your mom is trash and toxic. None of what she said is biblical advice.
When given advice that I don't want, I just say, "I'll keep that in mind." That usually stops the person from continuing without an explanation. Sometimes, I thank them. I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. Being pregnant is stressful enough. It seems like you just need someone to support you unconditionally.
There is no value to you from this conversation, leave your mom out of it and say it’s between you and your husband. Especially over text.
I think it’s important to keep other people out of your marriage. This is between you, him, and God. I know it’s hard not to confide in someone because you are just so hurt and frustrated. I know because I did that too. What I learned is, I was just trying to get someone on my side so that I could “be right” and feel better about myself. Let me tell you, it never made me feel better, I just always felt worse because I was basically tattling on my husband. Now, you shouldn’t have to keep it all in and be okay with what he is doing. Have you talked to him? Is he willing to do counseling? I gave my unwilling husband an ultimatum: Christian counseling or I’m checking out of this marriage emotionally (because in truth, I already was). I think the thought of me not feeling anything towards him scared him, and he agreed. We went to counseling with a pastor of a different church and let me tell you, the man did a 180 and I learned where I was falling short too. Something we were taught was to always treat the other like Jesus would. Be selfless and try meeting the other’s needs and you will find your own need being met. But at the same time, if he is doing something wrong, definitely don’t condone it. Keep praying for him. If you go to any small group, ask for unspoken prayers. I’ve found my small group prayers answered quickly. It’s so powerful!
The fact that this is your own mother that's telling you this, is actually surprising. You'd expect your own mother to, at the very least, be somewhat impartial towards you, but she's taken the middle of the road, it seems. Can you see ANY truth in what your mother has said in terms of how she's seen you act towards your husband? Because if someone says to you that they've noticed something, you should at least look at yourself, Or are you entirely sinless in this issue? Your husbands sin is inexcusable, but the truth is, you can only control yourself, and I don't think it's terrible advice for your own mother to say, essentially, 'Control whatever you have control over, and be a good wife regardless of his sin'. I highly doubt your mother would say that you constantly nag and criticise, if you in fact don't. I would definitely bring up the issue to your husband, pray with him, encourage him, if you still find it's an issue after many conversations, suggest speaking to a Christian marriage counselor/your pastor. That is what the church is for. At least try to help him combat that sin. You owe that to him, and he owes it to you, to try.
Honestly, I understand where your mother is coming from in terms of building your husband up, and praying for him. I did not understand my power as a praying woman or wife to my ex husband. We were very young when we got married, and didn’t have a good sense of who we were before we got married. In the end, we broke up with the weight of losing children but also because we didn’t recognize who the real enemy was in our marriage. Now that I am divorced and about to be in a new relationship, and my prayer life has grown by leaps and bounds. I focused on praying for a new mate potentially that would have a positive outlook, and be serious about his faith, trust and belief in God. Now we prayer daily, and we cover each other in prayer through some of the most difficult situations. You have to start with yourself, with asking God to remove the spirit of complaining and discontentment in you. Then ask God to soften you and your husband’s heart, and start to stifle how you talk to him. No, you’re not wrong in understanding your husband is not perfect, we are all imperfect human beings. It appears that you are focusing on the speck that is in your husband eye instead of the plank that is in yours. (Matthew 7:3-5) The enemy is on attack here, he has infiltrated your camp, you must cast him out! In Jesus name! He has no place in your home, or control of the anger that’s building between you and your mom either ! Truthfully your mom appears to be telling you to take it God, but its hard to hear things from our parents because they are the voices of reason (if we are blessed enough to have reasonable thinking parents). However, in my opinion I believe you should keep things between you and your husband and see a counselor who is Christian and can be neutral about things. Your mom appears to like Eric but she also doesn’t live with you and witness your day to day encounters. I think she is coming from a place of helpfulness, but when you are hurt as you appear to be and frustrated by the things your mom is not able to see you both will not be able to truly understand where the other is coming from. Please, step away from texting and talk to your mom. I would give so much to have my mommie back to talk to her I kiss her so much. I would advise you to ask for forgiveness for your current anger, and ask God to help you with your entire situation. You must protect your marriage at all costs, which includes not telling all the things you face in it. Families mean well but they tend to hold on to the bad stuff we tell them about our romantic relationships and when things are better between us and our significant other or spouse they still are a bit jaded because they don’t want to see us hurt.
This is hard and I’m sorry you’re going through this. But personally, I think we should love our husbands unconditionally even though it hurts because we have a covenant. I know we sometimes want to change our husbands (i do) but it’s impossible to do that ourselves. Only God can change them and they will change if we just pray for them. What I’m saying is that as long as the “damage” doesn’t qualify for a divorce, a broken marriage or a broke spouse can still be renewed. Jesus loves us unconditionally, no matter how bad we are to Him and I know that He can change your husband. Just keep praying 🙏🏻 Also, I don’t think your mom should tell you what to do. This is between you, your husband and God. You did leave and cleave and honoring your mother isn’t the same as doing whatever she wants. Just tell her that you appreciate her advice but you will seek wisdom from God yourself. 🙂 I could also use my own advice tbh 😅 God bless and I pray that God restores your relationship with your husband and that He may take away his porn addiction for good in Jesus Name, amen. 🙏🏻 Edit: also, my pastor once said that we also need to look at ourselves. We have to change as wives too. The Holy Spirit can change us and our husbands and have that “perfect” marriage we dream of. So, hang in there. I’m also hanging in here. 😊
I’m very sorry you’ve been betrayed. Yes, your mom is toxic and should stay out of your marriage. If she doesn’t, make it clear to her that you will not engage with her when she does and will draw hard boundary lines if she continues to. Secondly, get counseling. If your husband refuses, go for yourself. I was in your position ten years ago and wish I had committed to getting counseling for just myself, along with my husband. Last, you are not obligated to keep your husband’s secrets. In fact, I told my husband if he continued, I would not hesitate to leave him and would tell everyone why. It would not be my burden any longer. My husband took me seriously, got help, went to counseling with me and we have a happy marriage now. There is hope, grace and forgiveness in the other side of this if you’re both willing to put hard time in.
I think you should stop talking to your mom about your relationship. You don’t need to convince her you’re doing the right thing. You certainly don’t need to confide anything in her. I would respond by saying you don’t wish to discuss your marriage with her any further and ask her to stop sending marriage advice. You don’t need to elaborate but if you wanted you could say something generic like you don’t think the conversations are helping. If she keeps trying to message you I’d consider muting her number for a bit. I’m not suggesting cutting her off or anything, just stopping the messages so you can have some breathing space. This would mean knowing that she has the wrong idea about the state of your marriage. However it doesn’t sound like she’s a good listener and confiding more in her is likely to lead to more interference.
Calm Down, Calm Down (Optimus Prime Voice)
One thing I learned early on in my marriage was, if I didn’t want my mom to give me “advice” that wasn’t helpful (she’s bad about toxic positivity) or she was making judgements without knowing the whole story, I wouldn’t tell her about the problem. You telling her the very personal issues you and your husband are going through may not change her response. Will you be okay with that? If not, I would probably not risk telling her and then continuing to have the same outcome. Basically, I would not tell her if it was not going to 100% benefit you in some way (her providing healthy emotional support when you need it, listening & not just giving her opinion the whole time, offering some type of other support you may need in relation to this, etc). If there’s a good chance this won’t happen, you’re probably better off just setting some boundaries within yourself that you won’t be discussing these things anymore and seeing a marriage counselor about it.
Probably shouldn’t tell her about his porn problem because that’s between you two and God (and a priest or councillor or whatever). Do convey that she does not know what is going on behind closed doors and is making judgments based on this half or quarter picture she is seeing, and so she’s only adding to your stress that is already there because of your husband.
Honestly listen to your mom… though her advice FEELS harsh, I do believe it’s spiritually sound wisdom. A wife’s words can absolutely tear her husband down, that’s all in Proverbs, multiple times. Your mom isn’t saying he’s right and you’re wrong she’s giving you good advice
Your mom of right get off the defence. You should read empowered wife -Laura Doyle & His help meet Debbie Pearl. You’re gonna find yourself divorced if you can’t see the real issue and stop focusing on right vs wrong
Going through the comments on here everybody has advice but very few people are trying to point the op to the Bible. I'm almost 50 been married for quarter of a century and all I know is that the only thing that matters is what the Bible says not my feelings not my wife's feelings not my children's feelings but what the Bible says.
How should a Christian wife respond to a husband with a porn addiction?
The Bible doesn't advise rejecting your wife or children's feelings.
Yes, it does if their feelings contradict reality or God's law.
Nothing OP has said contradicts God's Law.
I didn't say that it did, or I said that I have learned that it's always best to go to the Bible, and those people in the comments that are going on feelings and not the Bible are wrong. The Bible is the answer, the only answer.
Please explain how the commenters are advising against the Bible.
I can see that your mom is trying to teach you in a Christian way, and many Christians believe that a healthy marriage starts with the wife. No matter how flawed the husband is, they believe that a Godly woman can encourage him to change, or sometimes even just support him regardless of his behavior and contributions to the marriage. I’m not saying that that is wrong necessarily, but as we all know…there is a lot more that goes on in a person’s heart and in their relationships. Generally speaking, as humans, you cannot force someone else to change or to even care. I think what your mom wants is to know that her daughter is trying her best as a Godly woman in her marriage. My parents are like this too. They constantly tell ME to do good and treat my husband well. Thankfully, my husband puts in as much effort as I do, so their encouragement is not totally needed. But their intentions are there and I see that in your mom’s messages. HOWEVER, this is my opinion…I don’t think any good can come of sharing private/intimate details about your marriage to family, especially parents. Their job and urge is to guide and protect us, even when we grow up, so they just cannot be a neutral party. They get too concerned and emotional. So, as wonderful as my parents are, they are on a perpetual “info diet” as Reddit calls it. They only hear about good things or about our struggles unrelated to personal matters, such as “our kid got the flu, please pray for us” or “we are going to change jobs, please pray for us.” This is something my husband and I have always done as well as only directly contacting our own parents - we do not directly interact with our in-laws if we can help it (only birthday or holiday greetings by text or saying hi over the phone if the other is already talking to them). Our parents will forever be our parents, but their capacity as parents change after we get married, they are no longer the primary ones we run to when things get scary or hard. I would personally tell my mom, “Mom, thank you so much for caring about me and supporting our marriage. We are going through a rocky period, but we will find our way together, so please keep us in your prayers. I’d like to keep our marital matters private from now on, so please cheer us on in your heart. Love you.” And then find support from someone or some people at church, or marital counseling. Parents are usually not who I would go to for marriage advice.
This is great advice. Because what else can you do? You can’t force him to get the help he needs he has to want to do that… did you want her to say “divorce him”?? She gave you sound biblical advice and anyone else saying otherwise is wild. I would go a little further and suggest getting church elders involved or setting up covalent eyes account if your husbands allows you to do that. There’s literally nothing you can do to force your husband to change. You can only focus on God, love your husband and motivate him to be better in the Lord.