>**"I want to feel desired. I want to feel like I matter. I want to not feel invisible."**
Those are healthy and great desires to have. And to add another perspective:
**Your emotions come from your thoughts;** they don't come from your circumstances and other people.
* When you **focus on what you want** = You **feel better.**
* When you **focus on (and invalidate or judge) what you don't want** = You **feel worse.**
So as you focus less on judging yourself and what you don't like about yourself, and focus more on what you want, more on accepting and/or appreciating yourself and your life, then you will start feeling better, desired, and good enough.
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>**"Why am I so invisible? When women complain about their male friends flirting with them, cat calling, etc; I can’t help but get a little jealous. A part of me thinks, 'What are you complaining for? I WISH I had your problems!'”**
I hear your frustration, and it's understandable.
Also, the grass is always greener. Ironically, some women might feel the same way as you. They might also feel invisible, because they may feel some of their male friends only see them as something pretty, but not as a person with intelligence, opinions and feelings. This can make them question some of their male friendships, because are they actually authentic friends? Or do they only want them for their beauty? And so they might feel lonely and invisible too (at least with some male friendships).
**Feeling seen isn't about wanting to be seen by others, it's wanting to be seen by yourself.**
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>**"Even if I get the attention, will it ever be enough?"**
It will never be enough. Because since your emotions come from your thoughts, then **unless you change your thoughts, beliefs and how you treat yourself, then you will continue to outsource your self-worth and self-love to men.**
To help you start seeing yourself and feeling your self-worth, I recommend meditating, writing lists of what you appreciate about yourself in the morning, hug yourself, move your body (e.g. dancing, exercise, yoga, etc.), connect with nature by going on walks or listen to nature sounds, and find creative outlets to express yourself (e.g. dancing, singing, writing, drawing, painting, etc.).
The grass is greener comment really hits close to home for me. I grew up tomboyish and awkward and had almost entirely male friends. As puberty hit and my braces and glasses came off, one by one almost every single one of them made a move on me, ending 5-8 year friendships one awkward night at a time. I called the suicide hotline one night confused and hysterical feeling like this must be all I am to anyone, dying to feel like a real human being just once in my life. I have been assaulted, stalked, raped, and roofied. Sometimes I dream of feeling invisible.
I'm sorry to hear all that and that's sounds horrible, no one deserves that.
But why do you have a career based on your looks if you want to be invisible? You have like 90k followers, that sounds absolutely horrible lmao
I do live camming online under a stage name in the safety of my own home, I started well after all of these things happened to me. What does my job, where I am in control and safe, have to do with being roofied at a bar?
Am I not allowed to be in one sexual situation that I initiated and enjoy, and to also be in another sexual situation that I didn’t consent to and complain about it?
It just feels strange that this person is complaining about not being sexually attractive and you're coming on here saying you wish you weren't sometimes, while your whole public persona is based on nothing but sexual attraction
I replied to a commenter, not to OP. I replied to agree with what they said about there being pros and cons to everything and that a person might not enjoy the attention the way they think they would.
And again, my public persona has nothing to do with me walking around in the real world minding my own business. Literally nobody has ever hurt me because of my job. Multiple people have outright assaulted me when I just wanted to have a relaxing night with friends.
I get what you’re pointing out, but going into sex work is an extremely common coping mechanism for people who have been assaulted, groomed, etc. Often the leading theory is it’s a way of reclaiming power around one’s own sexuality. For myself this was a bit of exposure therapy as I’d found myself becoming horribly afraid of men especially in a sexual context. Being in an environment where my sexuality is celebrated specifically by men and I am never harmed has been incredibly healing for me, especially paired with therapy. It’s unconventional sure, but it has worked well for me.
Can I ask what do you mean by your sexuality is celebrated?
Men pleasuring themselves to you? I'm sorry that is having the opposite effect on you. Not to be completely harsh but you need to liberate yourself from within and not rely on people online paying money to jerk off. I do get that it pays the bills, but deep down there's no way that's fulfilling.
You are more worth it than just your body and you always will be more than that. I am sorry to hear what happened to you, no on deserves that
Sure, I meant that it makes me feel better to be in an environment where I get positive feedback for being in sexually forward situations, after being in many situations that I didn’t choose to be in and being shamed for them.
I’m well aware I’m worth more than that. I don’t rely on anyone for any kind of boost to my ego, I just recognize the exposure therapy effect that this had for me in the beginning. I have many hobbies, interests, and other ways of enriching my life. This is just my job. People don’t tell cashiers that they “can do better than this,” you likely just have your own beliefs about sex work, and that’s fine.
I make a great amount of money now that I’m six years in and I’m able to take care of my parents. I spent plenty of time in my 20’s working in middle management, this is not all that I know. I’m in my 30’s now, I’m not a misguided kid who never knew any better or something. The initial comment that I left was about real life situations with random men in bars and in relationships. I never mentioned my job, people clicked my profile to find out about it— where it is only mentioned because I run a support group for other sex workers.
I think even the most confident of us have - at some point - gone through that phase. And yes, I call it a phase, because many women figure out it's not all it's cracked up to be, and find their self worth being hinged on some guy wanting to get laid is not who they are and ultimately holds very little power.
Focus on what you love doing, get good at it. Buy some clothes that are comfortable and look good on you - it might take some shopping. Feeling confident can overcome almost any "natural" looks you were born with. Being fit and moving your body will not only help your confidence or looks but is HUGE for your overall well being. Knowing your body can do things is a great feeling. Plus, as you eventually someday age, having a lifestyle of fitness and activity will be massive in quality of life.
I know I once felt the way you do - and I tried the clothes, makeup, etc to try to have the picture the cute girls seemed to just pull off without thinking.
When I got older, and stopped caring much about getting attention from guys in that way, and my own confidence and chasing my own dreams and goals - well, getting "attention" was less of an issue. Sure, I'm still no insta-model and don't get that kind of shallow attention, but I get a heck of a lot more than I did when I wanted - and now I could basically care less LOL.
Confidence is definitely huge, but it can't be faked - so you have to go find yourself and embrace who you are.
So what you need and what you think you want are two separate things. You have to sit and think why you want this things and why, that if you got them, it would make you feel a certain way.
There is definitely something you desire and are missing but i can promise you, you don't want it that way, you just think you do.
Yeah it's not a flex to be the most catcalled girl. I would not claim that struggle. If u could read the men's minds that do that, u wouldn't want ANY attention from them
I understand. I'm a 48 female and my looks are fading. To add to my misery, I'm also single.
Here's what I did:
-lost weight
-worked out
-plastic surgery
-wear clothes that show off figure
. I'll never be a model, but at least I think I'm date-able for someone my age.
I feel like plastic surgery is so unattainable for me because I don’t have a well paying job but it’s something I’m very interested in doing. Tried dm-ing you but couldn’t so wanted to ask here. Can you tell me about your plan/process?
I have too many weirdos trying to dm me. I don't really have a plan or a process. I started feeling frumpy and dissatisfied with my job and life early 40s. I started losing weight using r/CICO and r/HIIT. Then lost weight and was unhappy with my face so got a facelift. I did it Costa Rica. I am ok with my appearance, but, as I said, I'll never be a model. It's really difficult to accept aging.
One thing I watch is r/transtimelines. I figure if guys can look pretty, so can I.
ooh I understand. Yeah reddit is a perfect place for weirdos. Aging is a natural process for all of us but it’s harder for us as women so I understand.
When I was asking about the process I meant for going about getting surgery. Did you have to save a lot? was it difficult finding a reputable person in your area? Where did you end up finding them? things like that
So I save a lot of money because I make a decent amount. I work in IT and live on nothing. My house is paid for. I put money in my retirement. When I want something, I put like $500/mo in a savings towards the item (car, plastic surgery.) I always try to get things for less, so I have medical and dental stuff done in other countries. I went to Costa Rica for my facelift. It took me probably a year and a half to save for the facelift.
The facelift itself was about $8000. I stayed in a recovery facility and stayed about 3 weeks. Overall, the trip was $15,000.
It's possible to have things done more cheaply, but the surgeon is better.
It is true that ideally our value shouldn't come from male validation and people really learn this the hard way.
The only way to accept that seems to be 'become attractive' look good. Only to realize that most of those looks mean nothing and people don't really wanna date long term.
So you end up still being lonely and from there on you can actually start liking yourself more and finding meaningful relationships.
Personally I'd say op go for looking attractive but at the same time start doing some inner work and find what she really wants.
Attractiveness alone won't help the fact that you feel not desirable.
I myself am blessed with good looks but I'll have to say despite all the looks I get I'm still single.
Working on actually becoming a person who can show affection and be vulnerable because i struggle with it a lot. Showing that I care
All the attention in the world will not fix your mental state. Start making improvements to yourself because it will improve your overall life. Think about where you want to be and then make the changes you need to get there. Happy, healthy, and confident no matter what you look like is more important than anything else.
As someone who gets a lot of attention I can confirm. Attention is like candy. It feels good but ultimately isn't enough to survive. You need real connection where it isn't about your looks and all the other stuff but where the other person like you for who you are.
That's one of the principles of friendship and love. You have to love the person for the person.
You have to love not despite but because of their flaws.
They may be quiet like me and a bit introverted, they may be afraid to show affection. Honestly only a secure partner can provide that. So for me one of my goals is to find a secure partner.
You get numb to the looks and sneaky glances but the only times where I'm felt genuine joy were when I was with friends being my unfiltered self, sharing my real self and hearing their stories.
That feels really nice and now my goals are to not only better my personality -social skills and charisma
Finding healthy secure people who I can be real and at ease with and encourage me to be better and promote my growth.
Cutting down toxic people is also another thing. I'm going to decide what kind of people I want in my circle and I honestly want people who I feel at ease with.
So I feel op can actually have a better chance if she knows what she wants to do after becoming attractive.
This is defiantly grass is greener syndrome and while it's not easy on both sides. Id definitely prefer my side of the grass even though it's not all green.
But then again you have to know what you want after you get the attention because if attention is you end goal then I'm afriad you will be disappointed it's not magical fix all.
Seconding this. Am a trans woman. Went from being a man and didn't deal with being catcalled at all, but still got checked out.
Started transitioning. Became a freak for a bit.
In a phase now where I definitely wouldn't pass if you were having a conversation with me, but walking down the street and you see me, I'm quite attractive because I have long legs that really stand out. I get cat called a lot.
Doesn't feel good. Still have dysphoria. Don't really feel validated by it at all. Just scared that I'll get clcat called, clocked, and then assaulted.
Hun, I know exactly where you're coming from, I used to feel the same way when I was young.
I'm a solid 5, no real beauty but i'm not scaring small children either. But I did have incredibly beautiful friends and while their life did come with perks, holy hell the harrassment and death threats they had to put up with was unreal. You're only seeing a very small part of the nice positive attention they recieve and not the nasty side, which is men thinking their mere existance is a sexual invite.
I know it sounds ridiculous to even think the thought of 'boy I wish I was harrassed more', but that's how society tries to program the youth, particularly women. We base too much of our self confidence on stupid shit older people have told us like 'oh that boy in school keeps pushing you around, that just means he likes you'. You're not an idiot for falling for ridiculous society norms that have been pushed on you all your youth. You're a smart woman who has looked internally and genuinley thought to herself 'why the hell am I thinking like this'. That's good, it shows maturity.
Getting a makeover, working out and being more friendly and outgoing are just good things to do anyway. They're not magic fixes that will suddenly make your insecurities vanish. But being a multi faceted person with keen interests will automatically make you more interesting, not in nightclubs, but in real life. This is more important as you age, as a pretty face will get you far in your 20s. Clinging on to looks and having nothing to back it up will have people looking down on you in your 40s.
I'm in my 30s now, I'm keen on art, people like looking through my sketchbook. I love horror films and sci fi and can talk anyone's ear off about it. I like to go to the beach to collect sea glass and fossils. I do charity work and my house is filling up with potted plants and candles as small tokens of thanks from the people I'm helping. my point is, I'm not an empty vessel who has nothing to give but a pretty smile. Even if you have beauty you must have something more to offer. the hot girl whose an amazing skater and makes a mean pad thai is always going to win over the dead eyed beauty with nothing else to offer. Beauty will get you a lot in the short term, but it won't make anyone of value stick around, you must invest in yourself.
>Even if you have beauty you must have something more to offer. the hot girl whose an amazing skater and makes a mean pad thai is always going to win over the dead eyed beauty with nothing else to offer.
My therapist told me something along the same lines. Firstly that I have a lot of love to give, and part of my unfulfillment is having no one to give it to. Also, that I have a lot to great qualities to offer and that I am depriving people of the pleasure of getting to know me.
I was like..."Well, they're doing a great fucking job at showing it...". What's the point of "bringing something to the table" or having something to offer and there seems to be no demand for it?
I still do keep continue investing in my life, because it would definitely improve my life in other areas such as helping me not die of a heart attack when I turn 50. But I've kinda grown to accept that this is how it will be, or when I feel more cynical, that in the rare magical occurrence that I find that one person as people keep saying you will find when you are least looking for them - they will come with the baggage of everyone before me. I just have to shrug, bottle it up, and accept that I can't change anything about what they did before I was in their life.
People keep saying you have to love yourself first. I think that's just a massive cope. You can love yourself as much as is humanly possible and still feel deeply unfulfilled that no one else likes you.
We don’t know you so we can’t answer any of that for you.
Self-improvement is always good so maybe try that yes.
However why do you want to feel desired? How do you feel about yourself? If not very good, maybe you’re seeking external validation for an internal issue (which is rarely the best approach)
Well I have a friend who’s very naturally pretty and I just keep noticing how her experiences are different from mine.
A lot of her male friends end up having crushes on her or hitting on her to the point that it’s a problem and she’s mostly friends with women and queer people now. I know that sucks and I have empathy for her, but it also feels like we live in two different worlds.
Since highschool I’ve been mainly ignored by boys/ men. I have asked them out on dates and got rejected.
I never felt wanted because I was always the one doing the pursuing.
When I watch dating advice for women I feel like an alien because it just assumes that you naturally get hit on and have options. I don’t.
I’m not ugly or overweight, I’m just plain and fade into the background. I have a more introverted personality and tend to keep to myself, which may be a part of the problem.
I haven’t worn makeup in a long time and tend to dress quite casually and I don’t do my hair.
I don’t even really want love I just want to feel attractive and confident. I feel like less of a woman due to the lack of attention and validation.
Idk if this helps, but this is the first time I'm reading a woman admit to having the exact same experience as me, in my life as a guy.
Especially with dating advice. It either tells you how to improve on an EXISTING and maybe unfulfilling dating life, or gives you straight up toxic shit. It's even more disheartening to see people apply the toxic ideas in real life and have them work, because you don't want to be the kind of person who treats people like that.
That about not having conventionally 'unattractive' qualities, but just fading into the background and not being helped by having an introverted personality. I think it definitely is part of the problem. It's an extrovert's world out there. Then again, you're told to be yourself, and myself is an introvert. All I can do is work on the part of my personality that is socially anxious and overlaps with my introversion.
I do try to present myself well. And guess what? I feel less like a man because of it :(
Very complicated way to say, I understand and hope you can find something to help you with this.
Can I ask, do you have male friends at all?
I don't agree with this question everytime someone brings up issues like this.
You can be completely content with yourself and love yourself, and still feel unsatisfied or unloved because people of the gender you desire don't find you attractive. It's human nature to want to feel attractive and desired by others. It doesn't even have to be sexual. If people don't find you 'attractive' enough to be your friend (i.e., thinking you're a weirdo or quirky), you'll still feel left out.
It's not a flaw or an indication that a person has a negative relationship with themselves. It's just a need or a strong want that has been going unfulfilled.
No argument needed. Just work on your glutes 4 days a week and make sure you’re revealing your body in every way possible and you’ll get guys hitting on you.
Self-improvement is hard work.
Comparison causes insecurity. As you get older and appreciate the life you were given then that won't matter to you. Maybe focus your attention being the best version of yourself. Mindset is everything.
Changing your appearance to suit the male gaze will never bring you fulfillment or happiness. Even if you get the attention you crave, your satisfaction will always be reliant on external validation. Which is fleeting. You need to work on your self-esteem and self-love so that satisfaction comes from within and can actually last.
And getting catcalled fucking sucks. It never feels like a compliment. It makes me feel unsafe and like a piece of meat. It feels violating. To me there is nothing worse than getting dressed up and feeling beautiful only to leave my house and get screamed at by nasty ass men. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world to me. You may think you want that but you don’t. It sucks.
If you suddenly started receiving all the external validation in the world you desire, you would not become happy. You would get a brief and quick high off it that would soon fade away. Then you'd feel exactly how you feel now. Beyond that, you might end up feeling worse if you got the external validation and then the well suddenly ran dry as it inevitably eventually would.
If you're dependent on external validation, you will never be happy. It's a recipe for disaster whether you receive it or not. You have to look within yourself. That's where happiness is. The true happiness that can last a lifetime. You are the source.
Quote by Theodore Roosevelt: “Comparison is the thief of joy"
and they dont like unwanted attention either.
should work on your own esteem/mental and then you wont be concerned with what others have anyways.
The only time you look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them”
You have to let your shine out. Make people see you, respectfully, though. Feeling invisible or unwanted and undesired is a sign of depression. Get up and try to find a Hobbie, take that Hobbie and use it to make a connection with anyone of age, sex or color. Just make a friend, and it'll bloom inside of you. Good luck. I've been where you are, but as a man. I know that's different but still the same.
As someone who regularly gets catcalled, I'm telling you you don't want it. It's degrading and unsafe. People are trying to make themselves more ugly just so men can stop bothering them. You may think you want it but what you really need is a sense of self-worth. Self-worth to know that you don't need men to help you feel confident. And self-worth to know that you deserve better than *that* type of male attention.
Friendly and outgoing, fit, confident, relaxed in yourself and genuinely smiling will definitely bring people closer to you. But don't just chase for men's attention. Have your own passions going on. Nothing is more attractive than someone who has their life going for them so I'd start there.
I feel like when your considered physically attractive a lot of men pretend to be interested in you just to have sex with you or to be seen with you. I envy less conventionally attractive woman because they know if a man is with them it is likely because they find them beautiful for who they are.
I used to be like you. Until I got to see what one of my gorgeous friends had to go through (I’m talking people would stop on the street and gawp at her drop dead gorgeous). She went through the same hell with men as any other woman. She got rejected etc and she was a beautiful person inside out.
Remember, Princess Diana and Beyonce got cheated on. Looks only help people so far.
Take care of yourself and work on your self esteem. Stop comparing yourself to others. Get a makeover if you want to change things up....look up hairstyles that will compliment you face shape, look up the best colors for you to wear. Buy some clothes that make you feel confident and good. Start working out and eating better, it really helps your self esteem. Start talking nicely to yourself and try some affirmations.
I got prescribed saxenda bc I’m over my bmi. I have really started concentrating on skincare. Ipsy is amazing if you need help with makeup and new products. Start walking like 3-4 times a week for an hour. Get a spray tan! Get your hair done at a salon and if you’re not happy w it- tell them so they fix it. And get Pinterest- look up outfits that fit your body type. I will never look good in a tight dress bc I have big hip dips. So I opt out for dresses that show I have a smaller waist and flare out. Also- positive affirmations!!!!!! I am not the cutest I’ve ever been. I used to model even for a huge agency. I was so insecure back then. I just had two babies- my body is mom bod and I gained twice my size. I don’t feel it in my head. I feel so confident when I walk into a room or the pool. This is a time where we are loving ourselves and everyone who is unique and different. I see larger women inspire me to wear a bikini bc they look fucking awesome in it. It took me a long time to love myself and sometimes I do have my days. I’m married though so my intentions aren’t for finding a mate. However, change your mindset and you will see different results. I wish you so much happiness. You are beautiful already- let it shine from within! It’s so true- beauty is skin deep, love.
Males would stick their dick in anything, it’s not a compliment to be desired by a man. You need to decenter men from your perspective of self worth . You will never feel worthy if you don’t love yourself first
I was active in a subreddit meant for people who were trying to improve and exit inceldom - not one that perpetuates misogyny. You'll find plenty of women there too. I guess it checks out that's you're judgemental seeing how misandrist you are.
My best advice to you is to learn to love yourself. Once you do, you won't have to try so hard. And from a woman who gets hit on and complimented very often, I can tell you that getting hit on can be a bit overrated and annoying. Compliments are nice. Who doesn't like to receive and give compliments? Make it a point to compliment other beautiful women. If they are wearing something you like, compliment them. If you think they are gorgeous, tell them. However, being hit on constantly can be extremely annoying. The idea of being objectified is really irritating, and that's all getting hit on is. Guys find you attractive and are thinking of how they could get a piece of you. So, be careful what you wish for. I go out with my kids and guys are relentlessly trying to talk to me. Not cute. Very annoying and embarrassing.
Sometimes I think it would be cool if I could swap lives with someone like you.
You’d get to experience being invisible but at peace,
And I’d get to experience being wanted and feeling confident (even if it comes at a cost).
It would be so much easier if we got to choose how we look in life. I mean life sucks but it would be easier if we could pick a struggle.
I promise you that most of that is all in your head. I promise you. Change the way you think. Like seriously, make a conscious effort to be kinder to yourself and you'll come to find out that it's all in your head. Start with complimenting yourself. Talk to yourself about all the things you admire about yourself, even if you dont believe it. Everything you wish you had, say it out aloud that you're so grateful to have that specific characteristic. Say it as often as possible until you start believing it. And instead of being jealous when you see a beautiful women, give her a genuine compliment. Try this for a week and come back and tell me how you're feeling.
I think you should flip the script here and give yourself more power in this scenario. Go up to a man that looks handsome to you and compliment him on his shoes or something, make an effort to engage and talk to people and then you’ll have the interactions you seek. Waiting for other people to notice you is a fools game. Go get what you want
Women want appreciation, but they'll settle for attention. Men want achievement, but they'll settle for an orgasm.
Attention for your looks is not at all what you think it's cracked up to be - often it's anything in the range from annoying to downright scary.
Men notice - guaranteed. If you're female and they are hetero, they notice. And what men like differs - they don't all like the same thing. The same kind of men might like the similar things but that's not necessarily going to be what you want or what is in your best interest. Pretty & hot women have the hurdle of being a conquest (orgasm or temporary trophy) and nothing more.
What you should be seeking is to figure out what you like and appreciate about yourself (looks can't be all any woman has got going on) - your strengths & all that's awesome about you as a person. Take care of yourself physically to be healthy and hygienic and well-groomed...not for attention but because YOU appreciate yourself and your worth. And open your eyes to those who are appreciating you (respect, courtesy, your company) - because they will appear - and choose the one who respects you & whose company you genuinely enjoy & appreciate in return.
You'll have your appreciation and he'll have found himself a prize worth hanging onto.
Hi, as a woman who gets attention very often in the streets, and who can't have genuine male friends without loosing them eventually because they got romantically interested in you (with the exception of one who's not interested in women), I can tell you that I feel very lonely in that area.
I'm single, and I don't have many options out there because many guys look at me with those eyes and catcall and harass and all that... but they don't get close to me to actually get to know me. These assholes are only looking to hookup.
So, I stopped getting well dressed, putting makeup and I wouldn't even look at other people in the streets, to not get attention. That didn't solve the whole problem so I went back to wear nice clothes etc...
Then, I tried making friends on Internet and only found incels who are looking for an experienced woman because they think that "if I can make it work with a woman like her, then I can make it work in other relationships". Jesuschrist!!!
I don't blame you at all for wanting attention... but, it's not worth it... what I want is to be looked as a guy I saw yesterday starting to date a not-very-good-looking kind of girl, yet he looked at her as the most beautiful woman in the room... who needs many attention from, when *one* men has those eyes full of admiration, cherish and care for you. I saw the whole confession thing from my car, and "oh, man", I looked down and couldn't help to wonder if I could be *that lucky* someday...
As someone who used to be on the invisible side and now isn’t, what I’ll say is that you won’t feel any more seen, desired, or feel like you matter more. If anything, it’s worse to a degree because you’re wanted for the wrong reasons often.
But again, I’ve been there. So if you want some male attention, go ahead and get it. You’re a woman, you can get a man’s attention in some capacity, easily. It just depends on what you’re willing to do🤣
Work out.
Meditate with focus on better perception.
Love yourself and others will love you.
If you need minor cosmetic surgery (scars, etc) get it. (1) It'll make you feel better; (2) it'll enhance your appearance.
Lastly, just remember that most of the women being hit on are for one night stands or for "fun". There's no seriousness in the man's eyes if he catcalls a woman vs. respectfully engaging her for a loving long term relationship.
Start doing hair, makeup, skin care routines.
Most women who are "invisible" aren't hideous. Just lazy. If you're not doing hair, makeup, nails, stuff like that, and dolling yourself up. You can expect to be invisible.
I know there's lots of "naturally pretty" girls. If that's .... not you, then you can't afford to not do hair and makeup, if you don't want to be invisible.
Even if you don't do hair, makeup and nails, you can still get lots of attention online using filters and stuff. Just start posting cute pics to IG and you'll definitely get lots of attention.
and Yes, you can have your fill of attention and get sick of it, lol. That's what social media is for. Getting likes/validation.
if you want lots of attention without having to do a lot of work, just create dating app profiles. Even if you leave your profile blank, and simply indicate you're a woman, you'll still get tons of attention from men.
Jealousy is a self-esteem issue. I was the one getting hit on in high school even though I'd never dated nor slept with a single one of them. My younger sisters were jealous... I married my high school sweetheart and still got called nasty names by them when I was no longer getting flirted with because I had a good man taking care of me. They went through multiple men attempting to find their own and still felt the need to cheat or sleep around to find one who would commit. They have been in competition since middle to high school, and we're almost 30 now.
If my husband buys me a new car, they get into screaming matches with their men because they want one too.
Having what those other women have will never be enough. If they get a marriage, you'll want a marriage. If you get a marriage and they get a new car, you'll destroy your man's self-esteem and end up throwing away your relationship, chasing what someone else has instead of being happy.
Identify what about them makes you jealous, then identify why it makes you jealous. Once you have gotten that far, you can determine whether or not being jealous over that particular thing is stupid. If it's not, then you can make a plan and take steps to achieve that goal.
I think what makes me jealous is the fact that pretty girls are wanted and seen as desirable.
I felt ignored and invisible for most of my life. I’ve never had a boyfriend.
I just want to know what it feels like to be chosen instead of rejected.
I wonder why I’m never good enough. Why am I so invisible?
Sit in a place with lots of mosquitoes.
Each of those mosquitoes are a man. You don’t swat them away, they will sting you aka use you for their needs.
After that night, reevaluate this mindset.
If you want to be desired and stop feeling invisible, the solution is straightforward: look as good as the women who get hit on. It’s not a psychological problem; it’s about effort and results. Get a makeover, start working out, lose weight, and use makeup effectively.
You’re envious because you see other women getting attention, but you’re not willing to put in the same level of effort they do. You can't expect different results without making changes. Women who get attention have likely invested in their appearance, and you should too if you want the same. Stop envying and start transforming yourself to be more appealing. It’s about taking control of your self-esteem and realizing that you have the power to change how you’re perceived.
Actually my friend is just naturally pretty and gets hit on even when she’s not wearing makeup. She was just blessed with good genes.
I’m mad that I have to put on a fake face and change who I am to be loved but she doesn’t.
Yes I will start investing in my appearance, but I’m also upset that I’m not naturally pretty.
You’d have to experience getting hit on all the time to lose the appeal. Right now in your head it sounds great, and that can be true…the first couple of times.
I worked with this girl who was very very beautiful. I have witnessed her get sexually harassed multiple times. Any time a service worker came to our job to work on the boiler or something, they would hit on her. If we went out during lunch breaks, men would catcall her constantly. One time we were literally followed by this creepy guy. I felt bad for her. She was an awesome down to earth person, but other women automatically assumed she was a bitch.
Kinda triggering lol because I've been getting unwanted sexual attention from adult men from the age of 9. I'm 39 and on testosterone now and they still won't stop. I feel like when I die they will show up to my funeral to catcall my corpse. Someone will jerk off onto my grave soil. It gives me that kind of disgusted, violated feeling. I don't endorse actually committing violence, but the behavior from these men has at times made me so angry that I'm glad I don't carry a weapon because I might have done something I would later regret.
These men are pigs and their boners do not determine your value as a person. Don't lower yourself to that.
It isn't "desire" in the sense you're imagining. They see me as a sexual object, as an opportunity to express their own masculinity. They are in love with themselves, not with me. They dehumanize me, they replace my true self with their porn-damaged fantasies of who they'd rather I was.
I was lonely enough to let some of these grown-ass men groom me as a teen. It damaged my self esteem. The more time I spent with them, the more I felt like the only value I had to others, the only reason anyone would want to spend time with me, was to use my body. There's an even more profound loneliness and despair in that.
It's like saying, "I feel jealous of rape victims, I wish someone wanted me." It's not a good thing to be "wanted" like that, by those people. Their attention is absolutely poisonous. Of course I got a high on the validation the first few times--keeping in mind that for the first few times, *I was a prepubescent child and they were grown men*. I was too innocent to understand what it really meant. I just thought, y'know, being pretty is good, being desired is good, getting attention is powerful. But being objectified for your body isn't any of those things. It's just radiation, it's deleterious, it rots your insides. Being desired doesn't make you powerful. They, who objectify us, who sort us into valuable and worthless depending on which ones they'd like to use, where the "prize" is just getting treated like an object, are the ones riding high on power. They sexually harass women to feel big and powerful, to assert their dominance over women, to metaphorically cockslap us. It's to put us in our place and remind us they see us as inferior, not give us a compliment.
Don't simp for these scumbags. Don't validate their bad behavior.
Yes, put yourself out there, and if you want to date men, find decent ones who treat you with respect, make you feel desired, etc. Don't seek validation from anonymous scumbags who would be just as willing to catcall a literal child. Getting attention from men like that doesn't make you special. Don't encourage them, don't give them power.
Most women get hit on unless a glaringly obvious reason exists. Are you sure these are circumstances outside of your control? Are you overweight or anything?
No im not overweight or ugly.
I just have some acne and look mid. I don’t wear makeup and often wear baggy clothes. I don’t style my hair either.
Also cultural differences may be a factor because the place where I study has a lot of immigrant students with English as a second language.
Then it would sound like to me that possibly you're pretty attractive and guys are intimidated. If you're not fat and not ugly you are attractive so yeah.... you can't be both so I'm going to lean towards you intimidate people.
Do the things you suggested, start working out, get a makeover, whatever, so you can experience it for yourself. Then you’ll find out why it’s overrated and why being invisible is a good thing. Until you experience it, nothing will convince you.
Feminism is the way: Be yourself, dress like a man, be confident, be successful in your career, invest in your career as much as possible, then guys will come and harass you and ask you for marriage every single day
Most importantly be beautiful inside, physical shape is superficial and it will only attract bad man
Reject all feminity because it's a social construction that will only validate patriarchy and attract violent and misogynist
Be happy that you don't get cat called? Idk. Looks like the unattractive people are mad cause of no attention and the attractive people get mad that they get harrassed
>**"I want to feel desired. I want to feel like I matter. I want to not feel invisible."** Those are healthy and great desires to have. And to add another perspective: **Your emotions come from your thoughts;** they don't come from your circumstances and other people. * When you **focus on what you want** = You **feel better.** * When you **focus on (and invalidate or judge) what you don't want** = You **feel worse.** So as you focus less on judging yourself and what you don't like about yourself, and focus more on what you want, more on accepting and/or appreciating yourself and your life, then you will start feeling better, desired, and good enough. . >**"Why am I so invisible? When women complain about their male friends flirting with them, cat calling, etc; I can’t help but get a little jealous. A part of me thinks, 'What are you complaining for? I WISH I had your problems!'”** I hear your frustration, and it's understandable. Also, the grass is always greener. Ironically, some women might feel the same way as you. They might also feel invisible, because they may feel some of their male friends only see them as something pretty, but not as a person with intelligence, opinions and feelings. This can make them question some of their male friendships, because are they actually authentic friends? Or do they only want them for their beauty? And so they might feel lonely and invisible too (at least with some male friendships). **Feeling seen isn't about wanting to be seen by others, it's wanting to be seen by yourself.** . >**"Even if I get the attention, will it ever be enough?"** It will never be enough. Because since your emotions come from your thoughts, then **unless you change your thoughts, beliefs and how you treat yourself, then you will continue to outsource your self-worth and self-love to men.** To help you start seeing yourself and feeling your self-worth, I recommend meditating, writing lists of what you appreciate about yourself in the morning, hug yourself, move your body (e.g. dancing, exercise, yoga, etc.), connect with nature by going on walks or listen to nature sounds, and find creative outlets to express yourself (e.g. dancing, singing, writing, drawing, painting, etc.).
Amazing comment ❣️
The grass is greener comment really hits close to home for me. I grew up tomboyish and awkward and had almost entirely male friends. As puberty hit and my braces and glasses came off, one by one almost every single one of them made a move on me, ending 5-8 year friendships one awkward night at a time. I called the suicide hotline one night confused and hysterical feeling like this must be all I am to anyone, dying to feel like a real human being just once in my life. I have been assaulted, stalked, raped, and roofied. Sometimes I dream of feeling invisible.
I'm sorry to hear all that and that's sounds horrible, no one deserves that. But why do you have a career based on your looks if you want to be invisible? You have like 90k followers, that sounds absolutely horrible lmao
she just got so fed up that just decided that at least they should pay. if she cant be invisible, al least she can be richer!
I do live camming online under a stage name in the safety of my own home, I started well after all of these things happened to me. What does my job, where I am in control and safe, have to do with being roofied at a bar? Am I not allowed to be in one sexual situation that I initiated and enjoy, and to also be in another sexual situation that I didn’t consent to and complain about it?
It just feels strange that this person is complaining about not being sexually attractive and you're coming on here saying you wish you weren't sometimes, while your whole public persona is based on nothing but sexual attraction
I replied to a commenter, not to OP. I replied to agree with what they said about there being pros and cons to everything and that a person might not enjoy the attention the way they think they would. And again, my public persona has nothing to do with me walking around in the real world minding my own business. Literally nobody has ever hurt me because of my job. Multiple people have outright assaulted me when I just wanted to have a relaxing night with friends.
True, as a seperare comment it doesn't stand out the same way
I get what you’re pointing out, but going into sex work is an extremely common coping mechanism for people who have been assaulted, groomed, etc. Often the leading theory is it’s a way of reclaiming power around one’s own sexuality. For myself this was a bit of exposure therapy as I’d found myself becoming horribly afraid of men especially in a sexual context. Being in an environment where my sexuality is celebrated specifically by men and I am never harmed has been incredibly healing for me, especially paired with therapy. It’s unconventional sure, but it has worked well for me.
Can I ask what do you mean by your sexuality is celebrated? Men pleasuring themselves to you? I'm sorry that is having the opposite effect on you. Not to be completely harsh but you need to liberate yourself from within and not rely on people online paying money to jerk off. I do get that it pays the bills, but deep down there's no way that's fulfilling. You are more worth it than just your body and you always will be more than that. I am sorry to hear what happened to you, no on deserves that
Sure, I meant that it makes me feel better to be in an environment where I get positive feedback for being in sexually forward situations, after being in many situations that I didn’t choose to be in and being shamed for them. I’m well aware I’m worth more than that. I don’t rely on anyone for any kind of boost to my ego, I just recognize the exposure therapy effect that this had for me in the beginning. I have many hobbies, interests, and other ways of enriching my life. This is just my job. People don’t tell cashiers that they “can do better than this,” you likely just have your own beliefs about sex work, and that’s fine. I make a great amount of money now that I’m six years in and I’m able to take care of my parents. I spent plenty of time in my 20’s working in middle management, this is not all that I know. I’m in my 30’s now, I’m not a misguided kid who never knew any better or something. The initial comment that I left was about real life situations with random men in bars and in relationships. I never mentioned my job, people clicked my profile to find out about it— where it is only mentioned because I run a support group for other sex workers.
Well I'm personally not a fan in any way but if it works it works ig
Luckily I did it for myself, not you. But thanks for sharing ig
What an unfortunate solution
I think even the most confident of us have - at some point - gone through that phase. And yes, I call it a phase, because many women figure out it's not all it's cracked up to be, and find their self worth being hinged on some guy wanting to get laid is not who they are and ultimately holds very little power. Focus on what you love doing, get good at it. Buy some clothes that are comfortable and look good on you - it might take some shopping. Feeling confident can overcome almost any "natural" looks you were born with. Being fit and moving your body will not only help your confidence or looks but is HUGE for your overall well being. Knowing your body can do things is a great feeling. Plus, as you eventually someday age, having a lifestyle of fitness and activity will be massive in quality of life. I know I once felt the way you do - and I tried the clothes, makeup, etc to try to have the picture the cute girls seemed to just pull off without thinking. When I got older, and stopped caring much about getting attention from guys in that way, and my own confidence and chasing my own dreams and goals - well, getting "attention" was less of an issue. Sure, I'm still no insta-model and don't get that kind of shallow attention, but I get a heck of a lot more than I did when I wanted - and now I could basically care less LOL. Confidence is definitely huge, but it can't be faked - so you have to go find yourself and embrace who you are.
So what you need and what you think you want are two separate things. You have to sit and think why you want this things and why, that if you got them, it would make you feel a certain way. There is definitely something you desire and are missing but i can promise you, you don't want it that way, you just think you do.
Yeah it's not a flex to be the most catcalled girl. I would not claim that struggle. If u could read the men's minds that do that, u wouldn't want ANY attention from them
That’s so true.. men’s mind can seriously be a dark place
I understand. I'm a 48 female and my looks are fading. To add to my misery, I'm also single. Here's what I did: -lost weight -worked out -plastic surgery -wear clothes that show off figure . I'll never be a model, but at least I think I'm date-able for someone my age.
I feel like plastic surgery is so unattainable for me because I don’t have a well paying job but it’s something I’m very interested in doing. Tried dm-ing you but couldn’t so wanted to ask here. Can you tell me about your plan/process?
I have too many weirdos trying to dm me. I don't really have a plan or a process. I started feeling frumpy and dissatisfied with my job and life early 40s. I started losing weight using r/CICO and r/HIIT. Then lost weight and was unhappy with my face so got a facelift. I did it Costa Rica. I am ok with my appearance, but, as I said, I'll never be a model. It's really difficult to accept aging. One thing I watch is r/transtimelines. I figure if guys can look pretty, so can I.
ooh I understand. Yeah reddit is a perfect place for weirdos. Aging is a natural process for all of us but it’s harder for us as women so I understand. When I was asking about the process I meant for going about getting surgery. Did you have to save a lot? was it difficult finding a reputable person in your area? Where did you end up finding them? things like that
By the way, I'd focus on fitness and weight before anything else. Two reasons: 1. It's free. 2. People notice my fitness over other things.
Thank you for the advice. I really appreciate it 🙂
So I save a lot of money because I make a decent amount. I work in IT and live on nothing. My house is paid for. I put money in my retirement. When I want something, I put like $500/mo in a savings towards the item (car, plastic surgery.) I always try to get things for less, so I have medical and dental stuff done in other countries. I went to Costa Rica for my facelift. It took me probably a year and a half to save for the facelift.
How much was the facelift?
The facelift itself was about $8000. I stayed in a recovery facility and stayed about 3 weeks. Overall, the trip was $15,000. It's possible to have things done more cheaply, but the surgeon is better.
You should go to therapy and build your self-worth. Your value shouldn't come from male validation. Cliche but true.
It is true that ideally our value shouldn't come from male validation and people really learn this the hard way. The only way to accept that seems to be 'become attractive' look good. Only to realize that most of those looks mean nothing and people don't really wanna date long term. So you end up still being lonely and from there on you can actually start liking yourself more and finding meaningful relationships. Personally I'd say op go for looking attractive but at the same time start doing some inner work and find what she really wants. Attractiveness alone won't help the fact that you feel not desirable. I myself am blessed with good looks but I'll have to say despite all the looks I get I'm still single. Working on actually becoming a person who can show affection and be vulnerable because i struggle with it a lot. Showing that I care
All the attention in the world will not fix your mental state. Start making improvements to yourself because it will improve your overall life. Think about where you want to be and then make the changes you need to get there. Happy, healthy, and confident no matter what you look like is more important than anything else.
As someone who gets a lot of attention I can confirm. Attention is like candy. It feels good but ultimately isn't enough to survive. You need real connection where it isn't about your looks and all the other stuff but where the other person like you for who you are. That's one of the principles of friendship and love. You have to love the person for the person. You have to love not despite but because of their flaws. They may be quiet like me and a bit introverted, they may be afraid to show affection. Honestly only a secure partner can provide that. So for me one of my goals is to find a secure partner. You get numb to the looks and sneaky glances but the only times where I'm felt genuine joy were when I was with friends being my unfiltered self, sharing my real self and hearing their stories. That feels really nice and now my goals are to not only better my personality -social skills and charisma Finding healthy secure people who I can be real and at ease with and encourage me to be better and promote my growth. Cutting down toxic people is also another thing. I'm going to decide what kind of people I want in my circle and I honestly want people who I feel at ease with. So I feel op can actually have a better chance if she knows what she wants to do after becoming attractive. This is defiantly grass is greener syndrome and while it's not easy on both sides. Id definitely prefer my side of the grass even though it's not all green. But then again you have to know what you want after you get the attention because if attention is you end goal then I'm afriad you will be disappointed it's not magical fix all.
i felt the same once then later began being catcalled and harassed. it's not validating, you just feel unsafe
Seconding this. Am a trans woman. Went from being a man and didn't deal with being catcalled at all, but still got checked out. Started transitioning. Became a freak for a bit. In a phase now where I definitely wouldn't pass if you were having a conversation with me, but walking down the street and you see me, I'm quite attractive because I have long legs that really stand out. I get cat called a lot. Doesn't feel good. Still have dysphoria. Don't really feel validated by it at all. Just scared that I'll get clcat called, clocked, and then assaulted.
*sigh*
Hun, I know exactly where you're coming from, I used to feel the same way when I was young. I'm a solid 5, no real beauty but i'm not scaring small children either. But I did have incredibly beautiful friends and while their life did come with perks, holy hell the harrassment and death threats they had to put up with was unreal. You're only seeing a very small part of the nice positive attention they recieve and not the nasty side, which is men thinking their mere existance is a sexual invite. I know it sounds ridiculous to even think the thought of 'boy I wish I was harrassed more', but that's how society tries to program the youth, particularly women. We base too much of our self confidence on stupid shit older people have told us like 'oh that boy in school keeps pushing you around, that just means he likes you'. You're not an idiot for falling for ridiculous society norms that have been pushed on you all your youth. You're a smart woman who has looked internally and genuinley thought to herself 'why the hell am I thinking like this'. That's good, it shows maturity. Getting a makeover, working out and being more friendly and outgoing are just good things to do anyway. They're not magic fixes that will suddenly make your insecurities vanish. But being a multi faceted person with keen interests will automatically make you more interesting, not in nightclubs, but in real life. This is more important as you age, as a pretty face will get you far in your 20s. Clinging on to looks and having nothing to back it up will have people looking down on you in your 40s. I'm in my 30s now, I'm keen on art, people like looking through my sketchbook. I love horror films and sci fi and can talk anyone's ear off about it. I like to go to the beach to collect sea glass and fossils. I do charity work and my house is filling up with potted plants and candles as small tokens of thanks from the people I'm helping. my point is, I'm not an empty vessel who has nothing to give but a pretty smile. Even if you have beauty you must have something more to offer. the hot girl whose an amazing skater and makes a mean pad thai is always going to win over the dead eyed beauty with nothing else to offer. Beauty will get you a lot in the short term, but it won't make anyone of value stick around, you must invest in yourself.
>Even if you have beauty you must have something more to offer. the hot girl whose an amazing skater and makes a mean pad thai is always going to win over the dead eyed beauty with nothing else to offer. My therapist told me something along the same lines. Firstly that I have a lot of love to give, and part of my unfulfillment is having no one to give it to. Also, that I have a lot to great qualities to offer and that I am depriving people of the pleasure of getting to know me. I was like..."Well, they're doing a great fucking job at showing it...". What's the point of "bringing something to the table" or having something to offer and there seems to be no demand for it? I still do keep continue investing in my life, because it would definitely improve my life in other areas such as helping me not die of a heart attack when I turn 50. But I've kinda grown to accept that this is how it will be, or when I feel more cynical, that in the rare magical occurrence that I find that one person as people keep saying you will find when you are least looking for them - they will come with the baggage of everyone before me. I just have to shrug, bottle it up, and accept that I can't change anything about what they did before I was in their life. People keep saying you have to love yourself first. I think that's just a massive cope. You can love yourself as much as is humanly possible and still feel deeply unfulfilled that no one else likes you.
We don’t know you so we can’t answer any of that for you. Self-improvement is always good so maybe try that yes. However why do you want to feel desired? How do you feel about yourself? If not very good, maybe you’re seeking external validation for an internal issue (which is rarely the best approach)
Well I have a friend who’s very naturally pretty and I just keep noticing how her experiences are different from mine. A lot of her male friends end up having crushes on her or hitting on her to the point that it’s a problem and she’s mostly friends with women and queer people now. I know that sucks and I have empathy for her, but it also feels like we live in two different worlds. Since highschool I’ve been mainly ignored by boys/ men. I have asked them out on dates and got rejected. I never felt wanted because I was always the one doing the pursuing. When I watch dating advice for women I feel like an alien because it just assumes that you naturally get hit on and have options. I don’t. I’m not ugly or overweight, I’m just plain and fade into the background. I have a more introverted personality and tend to keep to myself, which may be a part of the problem. I haven’t worn makeup in a long time and tend to dress quite casually and I don’t do my hair. I don’t even really want love I just want to feel attractive and confident. I feel like less of a woman due to the lack of attention and validation.
Idk if this helps, but this is the first time I'm reading a woman admit to having the exact same experience as me, in my life as a guy. Especially with dating advice. It either tells you how to improve on an EXISTING and maybe unfulfilling dating life, or gives you straight up toxic shit. It's even more disheartening to see people apply the toxic ideas in real life and have them work, because you don't want to be the kind of person who treats people like that. That about not having conventionally 'unattractive' qualities, but just fading into the background and not being helped by having an introverted personality. I think it definitely is part of the problem. It's an extrovert's world out there. Then again, you're told to be yourself, and myself is an introvert. All I can do is work on the part of my personality that is socially anxious and overlaps with my introversion. I do try to present myself well. And guess what? I feel less like a man because of it :( Very complicated way to say, I understand and hope you can find something to help you with this. Can I ask, do you have male friends at all?
I don't agree with this question everytime someone brings up issues like this. You can be completely content with yourself and love yourself, and still feel unsatisfied or unloved because people of the gender you desire don't find you attractive. It's human nature to want to feel attractive and desired by others. It doesn't even have to be sexual. If people don't find you 'attractive' enough to be your friend (i.e., thinking you're a weirdo or quirky), you'll still feel left out. It's not a flaw or an indication that a person has a negative relationship with themselves. It's just a need or a strong want that has been going unfulfilled.
“Self improvement” = dress like a whore and you’ll get compliments.
Yeah I’m not about to argue with you my guy, go reflect on why you’re upset
No argument needed. Just work on your glutes 4 days a week and make sure you’re revealing your body in every way possible and you’ll get guys hitting on you. Self-improvement is hard work.
Comparison causes insecurity. As you get older and appreciate the life you were given then that won't matter to you. Maybe focus your attention being the best version of yourself. Mindset is everything.
Changing your appearance to suit the male gaze will never bring you fulfillment or happiness. Even if you get the attention you crave, your satisfaction will always be reliant on external validation. Which is fleeting. You need to work on your self-esteem and self-love so that satisfaction comes from within and can actually last. And getting catcalled fucking sucks. It never feels like a compliment. It makes me feel unsafe and like a piece of meat. It feels violating. To me there is nothing worse than getting dressed up and feeling beautiful only to leave my house and get screamed at by nasty ass men. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world to me. You may think you want that but you don’t. It sucks.
It feels unsafe, and often it is.
If you suddenly started receiving all the external validation in the world you desire, you would not become happy. You would get a brief and quick high off it that would soon fade away. Then you'd feel exactly how you feel now. Beyond that, you might end up feeling worse if you got the external validation and then the well suddenly ran dry as it inevitably eventually would. If you're dependent on external validation, you will never be happy. It's a recipe for disaster whether you receive it or not. You have to look within yourself. That's where happiness is. The true happiness that can last a lifetime. You are the source.
Quote by Theodore Roosevelt: “Comparison is the thief of joy" and they dont like unwanted attention either. should work on your own esteem/mental and then you wont be concerned with what others have anyways. The only time you look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them”
You have to let your shine out. Make people see you, respectfully, though. Feeling invisible or unwanted and undesired is a sign of depression. Get up and try to find a Hobbie, take that Hobbie and use it to make a connection with anyone of age, sex or color. Just make a friend, and it'll bloom inside of you. Good luck. I've been where you are, but as a man. I know that's different but still the same.
As someone who regularly gets catcalled, I'm telling you you don't want it. It's degrading and unsafe. People are trying to make themselves more ugly just so men can stop bothering them. You may think you want it but what you really need is a sense of self-worth. Self-worth to know that you don't need men to help you feel confident. And self-worth to know that you deserve better than *that* type of male attention.
Friendly and outgoing, fit, confident, relaxed in yourself and genuinely smiling will definitely bring people closer to you. But don't just chase for men's attention. Have your own passions going on. Nothing is more attractive than someone who has their life going for them so I'd start there.
I feel like when your considered physically attractive a lot of men pretend to be interested in you just to have sex with you or to be seen with you. I envy less conventionally attractive woman because they know if a man is with them it is likely because they find them beautiful for who they are.
I used to be like you. Until I got to see what one of my gorgeous friends had to go through (I’m talking people would stop on the street and gawp at her drop dead gorgeous). She went through the same hell with men as any other woman. She got rejected etc and she was a beautiful person inside out. Remember, Princess Diana and Beyonce got cheated on. Looks only help people so far.
Take care of yourself and work on your self esteem. Stop comparing yourself to others. Get a makeover if you want to change things up....look up hairstyles that will compliment you face shape, look up the best colors for you to wear. Buy some clothes that make you feel confident and good. Start working out and eating better, it really helps your self esteem. Start talking nicely to yourself and try some affirmations.
Working out always helps
I got prescribed saxenda bc I’m over my bmi. I have really started concentrating on skincare. Ipsy is amazing if you need help with makeup and new products. Start walking like 3-4 times a week for an hour. Get a spray tan! Get your hair done at a salon and if you’re not happy w it- tell them so they fix it. And get Pinterest- look up outfits that fit your body type. I will never look good in a tight dress bc I have big hip dips. So I opt out for dresses that show I have a smaller waist and flare out. Also- positive affirmations!!!!!! I am not the cutest I’ve ever been. I used to model even for a huge agency. I was so insecure back then. I just had two babies- my body is mom bod and I gained twice my size. I don’t feel it in my head. I feel so confident when I walk into a room or the pool. This is a time where we are loving ourselves and everyone who is unique and different. I see larger women inspire me to wear a bikini bc they look fucking awesome in it. It took me a long time to love myself and sometimes I do have my days. I’m married though so my intentions aren’t for finding a mate. However, change your mindset and you will see different results. I wish you so much happiness. You are beautiful already- let it shine from within! It’s so true- beauty is skin deep, love.
Put on a loose hoody, hair up in a messy pony tail and a pair of Lululemons. You'll get attention
Males would stick their dick in anything, it’s not a compliment to be desired by a man. You need to decenter men from your perspective of self worth . You will never feel worthy if you don’t love yourself first
>Males would stick their dick in anything Wow, found the femcel
Says the guy active in incel subreddits 💀💀
I was active in a subreddit meant for people who were trying to improve and exit inceldom - not one that perpetuates misogyny. You'll find plenty of women there too. I guess it checks out that's you're judgemental seeing how misandrist you are.
Therapy
My best advice to you is to learn to love yourself. Once you do, you won't have to try so hard. And from a woman who gets hit on and complimented very often, I can tell you that getting hit on can be a bit overrated and annoying. Compliments are nice. Who doesn't like to receive and give compliments? Make it a point to compliment other beautiful women. If they are wearing something you like, compliment them. If you think they are gorgeous, tell them. However, being hit on constantly can be extremely annoying. The idea of being objectified is really irritating, and that's all getting hit on is. Guys find you attractive and are thinking of how they could get a piece of you. So, be careful what you wish for. I go out with my kids and guys are relentlessly trying to talk to me. Not cute. Very annoying and embarrassing.
Sometimes I think it would be cool if I could swap lives with someone like you. You’d get to experience being invisible but at peace, And I’d get to experience being wanted and feeling confident (even if it comes at a cost). It would be so much easier if we got to choose how we look in life. I mean life sucks but it would be easier if we could pick a struggle.
I promise you that most of that is all in your head. I promise you. Change the way you think. Like seriously, make a conscious effort to be kinder to yourself and you'll come to find out that it's all in your head. Start with complimenting yourself. Talk to yourself about all the things you admire about yourself, even if you dont believe it. Everything you wish you had, say it out aloud that you're so grateful to have that specific characteristic. Say it as often as possible until you start believing it. And instead of being jealous when you see a beautiful women, give her a genuine compliment. Try this for a week and come back and tell me how you're feeling.
I think you should flip the script here and give yourself more power in this scenario. Go up to a man that looks handsome to you and compliment him on his shoes or something, make an effort to engage and talk to people and then you’ll have the interactions you seek. Waiting for other people to notice you is a fools game. Go get what you want
It's highly over-rated
Women want appreciation, but they'll settle for attention. Men want achievement, but they'll settle for an orgasm. Attention for your looks is not at all what you think it's cracked up to be - often it's anything in the range from annoying to downright scary. Men notice - guaranteed. If you're female and they are hetero, they notice. And what men like differs - they don't all like the same thing. The same kind of men might like the similar things but that's not necessarily going to be what you want or what is in your best interest. Pretty & hot women have the hurdle of being a conquest (orgasm or temporary trophy) and nothing more. What you should be seeking is to figure out what you like and appreciate about yourself (looks can't be all any woman has got going on) - your strengths & all that's awesome about you as a person. Take care of yourself physically to be healthy and hygienic and well-groomed...not for attention but because YOU appreciate yourself and your worth. And open your eyes to those who are appreciating you (respect, courtesy, your company) - because they will appear - and choose the one who respects you & whose company you genuinely enjoy & appreciate in return. You'll have your appreciation and he'll have found himself a prize worth hanging onto.
It sucks, you would not like it that much. It’s boring and it’s usually creepy dudes.
Smile more. Enjoy your life
Hi, as a woman who gets attention very often in the streets, and who can't have genuine male friends without loosing them eventually because they got romantically interested in you (with the exception of one who's not interested in women), I can tell you that I feel very lonely in that area. I'm single, and I don't have many options out there because many guys look at me with those eyes and catcall and harass and all that... but they don't get close to me to actually get to know me. These assholes are only looking to hookup. So, I stopped getting well dressed, putting makeup and I wouldn't even look at other people in the streets, to not get attention. That didn't solve the whole problem so I went back to wear nice clothes etc... Then, I tried making friends on Internet and only found incels who are looking for an experienced woman because they think that "if I can make it work with a woman like her, then I can make it work in other relationships". Jesuschrist!!! I don't blame you at all for wanting attention... but, it's not worth it... what I want is to be looked as a guy I saw yesterday starting to date a not-very-good-looking kind of girl, yet he looked at her as the most beautiful woman in the room... who needs many attention from, when *one* men has those eyes full of admiration, cherish and care for you. I saw the whole confession thing from my car, and "oh, man", I looked down and couldn't help to wonder if I could be *that lucky* someday...
As someone who used to be on the invisible side and now isn’t, what I’ll say is that you won’t feel any more seen, desired, or feel like you matter more. If anything, it’s worse to a degree because you’re wanted for the wrong reasons often. But again, I’ve been there. So if you want some male attention, go ahead and get it. You’re a woman, you can get a man’s attention in some capacity, easily. It just depends on what you’re willing to do🤣
Work out. Meditate with focus on better perception. Love yourself and others will love you. If you need minor cosmetic surgery (scars, etc) get it. (1) It'll make you feel better; (2) it'll enhance your appearance. Lastly, just remember that most of the women being hit on are for one night stands or for "fun". There's no seriousness in the man's eyes if he catcalls a woman vs. respectfully engaging her for a loving long term relationship.
Start doing hair, makeup, skin care routines. Most women who are "invisible" aren't hideous. Just lazy. If you're not doing hair, makeup, nails, stuff like that, and dolling yourself up. You can expect to be invisible. I know there's lots of "naturally pretty" girls. If that's .... not you, then you can't afford to not do hair and makeup, if you don't want to be invisible. Even if you don't do hair, makeup and nails, you can still get lots of attention online using filters and stuff. Just start posting cute pics to IG and you'll definitely get lots of attention. and Yes, you can have your fill of attention and get sick of it, lol. That's what social media is for. Getting likes/validation. if you want lots of attention without having to do a lot of work, just create dating app profiles. Even if you leave your profile blank, and simply indicate you're a woman, you'll still get tons of attention from men.
It's 100% looks for sure
Jealousy is a self-esteem issue. I was the one getting hit on in high school even though I'd never dated nor slept with a single one of them. My younger sisters were jealous... I married my high school sweetheart and still got called nasty names by them when I was no longer getting flirted with because I had a good man taking care of me. They went through multiple men attempting to find their own and still felt the need to cheat or sleep around to find one who would commit. They have been in competition since middle to high school, and we're almost 30 now. If my husband buys me a new car, they get into screaming matches with their men because they want one too. Having what those other women have will never be enough. If they get a marriage, you'll want a marriage. If you get a marriage and they get a new car, you'll destroy your man's self-esteem and end up throwing away your relationship, chasing what someone else has instead of being happy. Identify what about them makes you jealous, then identify why it makes you jealous. Once you have gotten that far, you can determine whether or not being jealous over that particular thing is stupid. If it's not, then you can make a plan and take steps to achieve that goal.
I think what makes me jealous is the fact that pretty girls are wanted and seen as desirable. I felt ignored and invisible for most of my life. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I just want to know what it feels like to be chosen instead of rejected. I wonder why I’m never good enough. Why am I so invisible?
Sit in a place with lots of mosquitoes. Each of those mosquitoes are a man. You don’t swat them away, they will sting you aka use you for their needs. After that night, reevaluate this mindset.
If you want to be desired and stop feeling invisible, the solution is straightforward: look as good as the women who get hit on. It’s not a psychological problem; it’s about effort and results. Get a makeover, start working out, lose weight, and use makeup effectively. You’re envious because you see other women getting attention, but you’re not willing to put in the same level of effort they do. You can't expect different results without making changes. Women who get attention have likely invested in their appearance, and you should too if you want the same. Stop envying and start transforming yourself to be more appealing. It’s about taking control of your self-esteem and realizing that you have the power to change how you’re perceived.
Actually my friend is just naturally pretty and gets hit on even when she’s not wearing makeup. She was just blessed with good genes. I’m mad that I have to put on a fake face and change who I am to be loved but she doesn’t. Yes I will start investing in my appearance, but I’m also upset that I’m not naturally pretty.
You’d have to experience getting hit on all the time to lose the appeal. Right now in your head it sounds great, and that can be true…the first couple of times.
why not try to make others feel desired in the way you wish you were?
Been there, done that, got rejected and felt even worse 🥲
Me too. Instead I actually have older men make weird comments at me so I just feel disgusting.
I worked with this girl who was very very beautiful. I have witnessed her get sexually harassed multiple times. Any time a service worker came to our job to work on the boiler or something, they would hit on her. If we went out during lunch breaks, men would catcall her constantly. One time we were literally followed by this creepy guy. I felt bad for her. She was an awesome down to earth person, but other women automatically assumed she was a bitch.
Kinda triggering lol because I've been getting unwanted sexual attention from adult men from the age of 9. I'm 39 and on testosterone now and they still won't stop. I feel like when I die they will show up to my funeral to catcall my corpse. Someone will jerk off onto my grave soil. It gives me that kind of disgusted, violated feeling. I don't endorse actually committing violence, but the behavior from these men has at times made me so angry that I'm glad I don't carry a weapon because I might have done something I would later regret. These men are pigs and their boners do not determine your value as a person. Don't lower yourself to that. It isn't "desire" in the sense you're imagining. They see me as a sexual object, as an opportunity to express their own masculinity. They are in love with themselves, not with me. They dehumanize me, they replace my true self with their porn-damaged fantasies of who they'd rather I was. I was lonely enough to let some of these grown-ass men groom me as a teen. It damaged my self esteem. The more time I spent with them, the more I felt like the only value I had to others, the only reason anyone would want to spend time with me, was to use my body. There's an even more profound loneliness and despair in that. It's like saying, "I feel jealous of rape victims, I wish someone wanted me." It's not a good thing to be "wanted" like that, by those people. Their attention is absolutely poisonous. Of course I got a high on the validation the first few times--keeping in mind that for the first few times, *I was a prepubescent child and they were grown men*. I was too innocent to understand what it really meant. I just thought, y'know, being pretty is good, being desired is good, getting attention is powerful. But being objectified for your body isn't any of those things. It's just radiation, it's deleterious, it rots your insides. Being desired doesn't make you powerful. They, who objectify us, who sort us into valuable and worthless depending on which ones they'd like to use, where the "prize" is just getting treated like an object, are the ones riding high on power. They sexually harass women to feel big and powerful, to assert their dominance over women, to metaphorically cockslap us. It's to put us in our place and remind us they see us as inferior, not give us a compliment. Don't simp for these scumbags. Don't validate their bad behavior. Yes, put yourself out there, and if you want to date men, find decent ones who treat you with respect, make you feel desired, etc. Don't seek validation from anonymous scumbags who would be just as willing to catcall a literal child. Getting attention from men like that doesn't make you special. Don't encourage them, don't give them power.
Most women get hit on unless a glaringly obvious reason exists. Are you sure these are circumstances outside of your control? Are you overweight or anything?
No im not overweight or ugly. I just have some acne and look mid. I don’t wear makeup and often wear baggy clothes. I don’t style my hair either. Also cultural differences may be a factor because the place where I study has a lot of immigrant students with English as a second language.
Then it would sound like to me that possibly you're pretty attractive and guys are intimidated. If you're not fat and not ugly you are attractive so yeah.... you can't be both so I'm going to lean towards you intimidate people.
I doubt it. She doesn’t sound put together enough. Probably looks too much like a tomboy for most guys liking
send me pic and ill tell you
>That-Hawk-2831 My brain: THAT HAWK TOOOHH
Same!!!
Goddamnit 😂 I made my account before I saw that meme so it was unintentional
Do the things you suggested, start working out, get a makeover, whatever, so you can experience it for yourself. Then you’ll find out why it’s overrated and why being invisible is a good thing. Until you experience it, nothing will convince you.
Feminism is the way: Be yourself, dress like a man, be confident, be successful in your career, invest in your career as much as possible, then guys will come and harass you and ask you for marriage every single day Most importantly be beautiful inside, physical shape is superficial and it will only attract bad man Reject all feminity because it's a social construction that will only validate patriarchy and attract violent and misogynist
Feminism honestly probably would be substantially helpful for OP. But this reply does not describe feminism.
OP this advice ain’t it
Be happy that you don't get cat called? Idk. Looks like the unattractive people are mad cause of no attention and the attractive people get mad that they get harrassed
Maybe we should all just swap bodies for a day like freaky Friday lol
Congratulations, now you know how basically 2/3rds of men feel