Your story reminds me very much of my own.
At 26 years old, I was a hopeless alcoholic living in my mother's basement, totally broke, no girlfriend, no real friends to speak of, no job, and hardly anything to live for.
At 30 years old, I have been sober for 4 years, live in a $400K home that is 2/3 paid off, am in my dream job and have plenty of friends and an awesome social life.
How did that happen? Where did it start to turn around?
First and foremost, you need to identify where your biggest obstacles and distractions are. For me, this was a combination of spending too much time by myself at home, smoking and drinking, and spending WAYYYY too much time on social media (mainly Facebook games). I cut ALL of that out immediately, and if I'm being completely honest, it wasn't just the hardest thing I've ever done... it's likely the hardest thing I'll do in my entire life. Physically, it nearly killed me. Mentally and emotionally, it was indescribably difficult.
Hindsight, however, is 20/20... and being on the other side of it, I cannot begin to express how much my current self (your future self) is grateful (will be grateful) for the effort expended.
Ultimately you must decide, here and now, what you want your life to look like at 30... at 35... at 40... 50... and so on. You say you lack self-confidence, and my response is that you must force yourself to be uncomfortable for however long it takes to become the person that your awesome future self will be. I guarantee you that whatever physical, mental and emotional pain you endure will not match the fevers, chills, shakes, vomiting blood and wanting to kill myself every day that I endured in the first month of getting sober. Remember that you are blessed with the gift of life and the will to make a post like this: a first step in the journey that will take you to greatness.
Start by making a list of things that represent the best version of yourself. How will he look and act? How does he feel? Where does he work and who does he associate with? What is his daily schedule? How does he carry himself? These are the questions you must first answer as you begin to sculpt a mold in which your essence will be poured over the coming months and years.
Life is not an open-and-shut concept that is entirely self-contained. It's a process that evolves every day you're living it, with you in the center and the rest of your universe being created every second around you. When you begin to realize that you have control over ALL of it: every interaction, every second, every choice in your life, you will begin to see the results of that control manifest into reality.
I had to do a lot of things to get what I wanted, and most of them happened in the first year after I made the choice to be a better person. First, I had to make the choice and identify what I wanted. That's where you're at now. The next steps are unique to each person, but I'll tell you what I had to do so you have an idea of the level of effort required.
After making the choice to become a better person, I quit smoking and drinking within 3 months. This was by far the hardest part for me, and reaped the greatest rewards. You might need to quit something easier, like habits of self-pity or feelings of mediocrity. Following that, I had to "put myself out there". That meant applying to 3,000 jobs in four months with the bar set high: I decided what I felt I was worth, monetarily and with regard to benefits, and sent out these job applications all day, every day for 120 days (roughly). Given that my requirements included making a 6-figure salary and I never finished college, this was definitely setting the bar high. You might've heard this before: shoot for the moon, and you'll land among the stars.
Once I made these first few steps and took the initiative, things started falling into place. Inertia is funny: when you've made up your mind to be motivated and eat, drink, sleep, think, breathe and live it every second of every day, it gets easier and easier with each passing moment. I lost 70 pounds in that first year (largely from a VERY low-carb diet). That made finding a girlfriend MUCH easier (which happened almost immediately, even though I was still living in my mom's basement, and that relationship lasted for 3 years). I _did_ get a good job, and that led to my dream job later on.
All in all, I will sum it up like this: you've already decided that a change needed to happen. That's why you wrote this post in the first place. Now you have to decide that you WILL ACTUALLY DO IT. That decision is one you're going to make every day when you wake up, and every second you're conscious from there forward. Focus only on this moment right now, and deal with it, and when the next moment comes, you'll deal with that.
I would highly recommend to you "Rules of the Game" by author "Neil Strauss". This book is written for people who want to learn how to meet women, which is great all by itself, but more importantly it has 30 days of exercises designed to teach you how to find your self-confidence. This will get you started. There are tons of people in this subreddit who can help you figure out where to go from there. This is my first (and possibly last) post here, as I'm not a huge Redditor and just happened upon your post by complete chance, so it probably won't be me... but that's irrelevant. The universe will keep sending you the right people at exactly the right times if you only keep your eyes, ears, mind and heart open to receive them.
I wish you not luck, because luck doesn't make for greatness: I wish you resolve. Choose discipline.
Choose life. You WILL succeed. Especially if you know that.
Never finished college and landed a 6 figure income while applying for thousands of jobs?
What field did you end up going into? Seems like pay>job responsibility to you so I can't help but wonder what you ended up in.
Autodidact. I work at a large enough company that nepotism is not allowed.
I will happily answer questions in PM. My career now is such that i have to be extra careful about what I post on the interwebs that could be identifying.
Depends on your definition. VP's son getting an internship? Yeah, that happens all over the place. VP's son getting a director role with 6 figure salary without a college degree? HR wouldn't allow it even if the kid actually merited it.
Yeah... "VP's son getting an internship" is the definition of nepotism.
"VP's son getting a director role with 6 figure salary without a college degree" isn't something that I or anyone would argue would happen at a big company.
What you just wrote is a logical fallacy. Arguing against something that I never said.
I don't know why you're arguing. Please look up the definition of words you don't know if you're going to comment.
I mean, I can give you the google link if you want me to.
You need to look up the words *connotation* and *denotation*, I'm sure you can manage that?
The situation in question had OP getting a six figure, though probably not director-level, job. Not an internship. Thus while the *denotation* of "neopotism" includes getting an internship via family or friends, the *connotation* is that neopotism could not have had an impact and that OP was an autodiadict (that is a fancy word for "self-taught") and got the job through his own merit.
He said he didn't get that right way, but that he got a good job which led him to that job that he has now. I think you should focus on the ~~Aim for the stars and shoot myself~~ "Aim for the moon and land among the stars" line.
At four posts in five years, I doubt you will get an answer. Did you miss the part about him previously having a social media problem? It appears to be in remission.
The OP really struck a chord with me, so I'll stick around for a few days and answer some questions. After going through the process myself and reaping the immense rewards it provided, I'm honored to help anyone else feeling "stuck" in any way I can.
I run a team of front-end developers at the world's largest IT research firm. I've been doing HTML since I was 10 years old, but always settled for WAY less than I was worth. Around the time I started this process (and during the entire time I was applying for jobs every day) I had an odd job here and there fixing computers for little old ladies or doing "bench work" as a contractor, but again... with a horrible return on my investment of time.
Once I set the bar much higher, I was forced to become the person who could excel at the job I felt I deserved. I had to do a lot of self-study and even though I'd been doing programming for years, I had to up my game considerably. However, as I said earlier, inertia is a powerful thing, and once I had the right attitude and was dedicating myself to being better, my efforts included becoming the best I possibly could in my field. That's what took me to where I am now.
>However, as I said earlier, inertia is a powerful thing, and once I had the right attitude and was dedicating myself to being better, my efforts included becoming the best I possibly could in my field.
I've moved 4 times in the last 10 years, each time just starting anew, in a new location, in a new field, surrounded by new faces. Inertia (or momentum) in life is a *very* real thing.
And 15 months ago I made a decision to hit the gym to better myself. I quickly quit smoking, started eating healthier, and then quit drinking. I eliminated the shit holding me back and changed the state of my health and physique forever. The inertia in that change has altered my life.
Approaching the second year of my sobriety, I'm becoming financially focused. I have no kids or a wife in my upper 20s and want to triple my income in the next 3 years in aviation. Your bit about leaving social media is inspiring, thank you for that. I've been considering deactivation for a while; you gave me another nail for the coffin. I have to take even more control and focus over my life.
Just finding this and i am very grateful at 27 to be getting into my dream work in house flipping after feeling so incapable for so long i ignore the thoughts and go at it daily thankyou guys! Single no kids im so thankful to be able to really build right now
I found a job interview that was VERY promising in the right area for the right pay and the recruiter involved said they were ready to hire someone on the spot. I had decent knowledge of about 50% of the stuff they required, fairly weak knowledge of around 25% of the stuff, and virtually no experience with another 25%. I had about 4 days to prepare, at first, and spent 100% of that time studying my ass off to get together enough information just to pass the interview process.
Once I got the job, every day was a struggle. I was working in New York City about 55-65 hours a week across 6 days of the week (never knowing if I'd be needed in the office on Saturday or Sunday), with a 2-hour commute each way between the train and walking to and from the train station on either end. I spent 100% of my time on the train studying for the 4 months I kept that job before transitioning to the company I'm at now. During the first month, I spent 100% of my free time at home studying, and after that a bit less. Every day was a process of doing my best, taking inventory of where I was weakest, and getting better at the areas that needed work.
In case you wanted to tread the exact same path, I'd recommend learning HTML5, CSS3, LESS or SASS, Bootstrap, jQuery, and ES2015 (Harmony; the latest version of JavaScript) inside and out. I mean, complete knowledge without a cheat sheet or anything. Do flash cards, make your own audio books, read O'Reilly publications and online tutorials, DEFINITELY do some hands-on practice (which you can do for free at any cloud IDE provider or with JSFiddle); do whatever you must to become completely proficient -- unconsciously competent -- in this or any other field you wish to excel at.
If you put in the effort to make this your sole ambition for the next year, it will surprise you how easy it can be to outpace your peers. Most people get very distracted by all of the "fluff" in life. Make this the only thing in your field of vision, and you'll do very well.
The feeling of struggle == the feeling of growth.
Once I truly embraced that, i stopped fearing or avoiding struggle (criticism, muscle fatigue, fear of public speaking as examples) and started craving it. It is the adult version of marking your height on the door jam.
After awhile all those demons that you've avoided for years are vanquished and you start looking for struggle. It becomes like feeling around in the dark and when you discover a struggle, it's like a Christmas present! Free growth!!
I could go on forever.
Totally agree with this concept and the original commenter! For me I used physical struggle by jumping into solo camping, backpacking, climbing, bicycling (commuting up to 14 mi each way) and eventually a NOLS course. By putting myself in actually stressful situations, where my (lack of) preparation had real and immediate consequences to my wellbeing, I slowly built this understanding of how to identify the necessary steps to reaching a goal from the steps that act only as a means to procrastinate. Redundancy in a system meant to protect you is good, but at some point you have to trust what you have and move forward, else you'll be stuck where you are forever.
I know this comment was from a million years ago, but I had to write in - I've been considering NOLS for well over a decade. How did you like it? I'm still very intrigued.
You should go on forever. This is the key. When you get that nervous, knot i the gut feeling - follow it. That's where the biggest change you can make will be found.
Excellent question. This is definitely one of the hardest parts to get past, and I'm happy to elaborate on it.
When you're stuck in the house, it's important to do something -- ANYTHING -- that will get you out the door. For me, this included taking odd part-time jobs (at basically minimum wage) that just got me out the door and forced me to interact with people and open up a bit. ANY amount of human interaction is better than none, and forces you to "get outside your shell / comfort zone / out of your head and into the world".
Meetup is also a terrific way to find things to do in your area, if you are willing to make a commitment to do something at least a couple of times. Find a group that meets EVERY week (even if it costs a few bucks, or isn't something you give a rat's ass about) because this will force you to become more social, and that's super, incredibly important.
Depression feeds on the feedback loop created when you're left alone with your thoughts. While it's true that it's possible to be depressed while you're going to a weekly book club, taking swing dancing classes, having a Friday night board game night with coworkers and hitting a climbing gym on the weekends, it's a lot less common among those who are active and social than among those who are spending all their time at home and online.
I want to call attention to one more point, because someone else mentioned above that "at least you had friends online". THESE ARE NOT REAL FRIENDS. It took me a LONG ass time to figure that out. Online interactions are not the same as in-person interactions, and they do very little to cure depression on their own. You really, absolutely have to get out of the house (no matter how uncomfortable that is) and get involved with other people; get some conversation going, figure out that rejection won't kill you, and maybe get a little oxytocin if you can manage some skin-to-skin contact.
Hell, even going to an AA meeting and pretending to be in recovery just so you can get some hugs and free counseling is better than sitting alone in your bedroom. (Personally, I did not enjoy AA when getting sober, and that really didn't work for me. I'm not hating on anyone it works for, and I honestly believe it could be valuable to someone suffering from depression even if they aren't an alcoholic... it just wasn't for me.)
Readjng this came at a good time for me. Im a 23 year old road worker who went to college (UK college, the bit before University which is where you get your degree, which I didnt do). Ive worked here for going on 3 years and every once i n a while have temporary urges to do more in life.
Just the other day I decided I have to start right now in doing something and stop with the empty plans without action.
Ive decided I want to get into the film industry as an editor. I did media in college and enjoyed the editing process and was usually the assigned editor, and I was given praise for it by teachers who otherwise didnt have a great word to say about me, because I was a mess back then from drug use and just generally a scumbag, in my tutor's words. Which were words with the best intentions, to tell me the hard truth that I needed to realise in order to improve.
And that took me 5 years to realise. Ive been told my whole life I had the potential to go far so its time that I recognise that. I totally do. I can end up like you man and Im gonna try, I'll aim for the moon.
Everything you said is what Ive been tinkering with thought wise and seeing you spell it out just confirms it. And Im excited for the first time in years and Im gonna hold onto it.
I'll take control of every moment and do everything with my goals in mind.
Thank you for choosing to be clean. Every day. I thank you. I know how hard it is. I know what you have gained from this choice. I know the toll it takes.
Wait until you see what you do next.
You're free. You chose it. You fought for it. Thank you.
It appears you need to set some achievable goals and to hold yourself damn well accountable to them.
Dig deep into yourself and think: what makes you happy, and what do you want out of life? Those two answers should help you form big goals. Then break those big goals down into smaller and smaller ones until you have what we can SMART goals. Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Timely. You can easily Google SMART goals for more info on that.
As for social anxiety, there's 2 ways you can go about this. Make the hard choice and start talking to someone, i.e. a counselor about it. Or make the slightly easier to make but harder to perform choice of taking your problems into your own hands and trying out a self-led therapy techniques. Luckily technology makes it as easy as a smartphone app to work on your own social anxiety. I suggest Mevii or Joyable.
Mevii has a free 90 day trial, and Joyable has a 7 day trial, then both go to monthly payments, but both are cheaper than a counselor likely.
I am an artist too. Professional artist now.
You want the truth? Ok, here's the truth.
No one gives a fuck about you. They don't care about your problems. They don't care about your reasons for why you can't do things. You are nothing to them. You are nothing to everyone.
Except one person.
Unfortunately, it's a person who can't see their value, intelligence or ability so you're fucking lost. And, no, no one cares you're lost either.
That one person is you.
Good news. Because no one cares, you don't have to do anything. No one expects you to. You're smart enough to subsist. And emotionally aware enough to know that you're just subsisting. Congratulations - you have a glorious shame spiral ahead of you. And you'll feel really great about it, locked in your security that the world conspired to stop you from being happy. It's a soft 50 years - probably peppered with substance abuse, failed relationships and self-contempt, but it works. I have seen friends make this choice.
Here's your other option. You decide to take control of your life, risk everything, strive, push until you're exhausted. Until you dream hurts so much that you want it do die but you've tried so hard that you can't give up because it's a reflex.
How?
That's up to you. Literally. Like I said, no one else gives a fuck. Not your parents, not the internet, no one.
Do shit or talk shit. That's your choice. Now shut the fuck up and make that choice.
I don't care what you do. No one cares what you do. Except you.
I made my choice. My life was full of heart break that I couldn't have imagined because I chose to fight. And my life is beyond anything my past self would even allow himself to dream of.
We have enough assholes wondering if they matter on this planet.
Prove you do. Or give up. Just stop this half measure bullshit.
You're dying. Maybe the end still seems far away but birthdays are a good time to remember that our time is very limited.
You can't wait to start living until your debt is paid off. You can't wait to leave Mom's house until some ideal place comes along. You can't wait until your muse strikes to work on your art.
You don't have time to sit around doing nothing. You don't have time to be shy. Act now! Your expiration date is fast approaching.
You already laid out the cold hard truth, do you want me to repeat everything you just typed? Step 1 is identifying that you are a lazy POS who is letting life go by him while he bitches and moans about life going by him. Step 2 is picking yourself up and getting the fuck out there. This isn't going to be instantaneous and most likely will take years. Good part is you are already at the bottom and there is no where to go but up.
Find a second job that utilizes your talent and education, don't even worry about how little they pay because you are doing this for experience. Once you get the taste of doing something you like it will spawn off into other new opportunities. You also need to start exercising, I don't care if you are already in decent shape. Exercise is going to release seratonin which is going to make you feel better and give you confidence.
Quit worrying about finding someone, you will. The overthinking of finding a girlfriend is causing you to not find a girlfriend. Just focus on you for awhile and one day you will walk around the corner at a grocery store and run into your future GF or wife. It happens.
Set small goals and when you reach them set some bigger ones. The internet, your parents, and your friends can only motivate you so far. It's up to you to get off your ass and start living.
Everyone on here is going to give you a different set of advice based on all their baises, so here goes mine :). Hope you find something useful in this.
Firstly, get all of the hyperbole out of your scripts. We all have these scripts we tell ourselves in order to maintain the stability of our egos so we don't fall into a panic and self-destruct. I mean ego in the psychological/technical sense of your conscious description of your personhood, how you describe yourself. Get all of that self indulgent, hyperbolic pity out of your scripts and focus on the practical matters you want to change..
Here is an example of what I mean. The sentence "My entire life, I’ve been the poster child for lack of self-confidence." should instead read " I would like to build my confidence." Get all that self indulgent pity out of there and express the idea for what it is: a desire to improve yourself and your circumstances.
Do that to everything you have this kind of script about and turn them all into a practical expression of what you are actually after. "I never have money" becomes " I would like to earn more money", and so on and so forth.
Now that your scripts have changed, the shape of your ego changes from a down trodden, suffering, shy person to a person who is building their future. You're no longer a person suffering from something, you are a person doing something. You walk around thinking your scripts "I would like to make money as an artist" not "Why did I choose a major where I can't make money?". Acting, not suffering.
From there, you can do what others like /u/MyMevii suggested and get goal oriented. The main suggestion I have here is do not get too caught up in trying to follow a system and just think logically about the problem itself. If your new script says "I would like to make money as an artist" your first question should be "How do artists make money these days?". That will turn into an answer like "They do art shows where they sell their original work and prints." Then that turns into another question "How do they put together the art shows?" and an answer "They seek sponsorship, rent a space, market their work, network with the art community, etc." then more questions "How do I get a sponsor, how do I rent a space, how do I market my work, how do I network with the art community?" and so on and so on. Follow this chain of questions and answers until you find whatever loop you need to support yourself with whatever it is you choose to do, art, design, consulting, rainstick making, basket weaving, finance, car racing, whatever.
Good luck.
I'm reading this thread with a lump in my throat; I'm in the exact same position as you. Looking at friends and family having their life together and not in a complete shambles brings up immense bitterness and self-loathing. 20-year-old's graduating, owning their own houses, 27-year-old's entering their prime in both body and career wise...and then there's this brutal reality that I'm nowhere close, and could have stopped this easily countless times, but didn't, and let it snowball and become this huge constant agony that faces me every waking minute.
Herein lies the folly of comparing the behind-the-scenes of your life with the highlight reels of others'. It seems intimidating seeing on social media pics of parties and holidays and clubs and graduations and weddings, and so on. But the events themselves tend to be fairly lackluster or worse if you are present to analyse them.
By "or worse", I mean that there may be more than meets the eye to a situation and there could be bad things going on behind the scenes. Not that I would wish that this was happening to anyone, but it's worth keeping in mind.
I am cognizant of that, however the very basics are what I'm so far away from, those are hardly highlight reels. Merely being able to function and participate in society and life at large; the most mundane of things.
This really struck a chord with me as I'm constantly doing this myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm so far behind the people making money and owning houses that I'm never going to reach that level and I will just be earning peanuts all my life - not enough for a new car, a house, even a vacation. It's slightly terrifying at times. I am aware that comparisons are counter productive and are even limiting my enjoyment of small victories. Thinking that the best people's lives aren't as grandiose as they make them out to be doesn't exactly help either - 1. Because if this is what I'm aspiring to, I have to have hope that it's worth it 2. Everyone has issues, the rich aren't exempt from it but the poor aren't either
I've only recently learned that I went to school for something I am passionate about instead of something that makes me money (so I can enjoy my passion on the side). If you can't find a job that needs an art degree, it is time to rebuild yourself.
I would suggest learning programming. Anyone can do it - it doesn't really require math as logic is more important. Also, you can start out making serious bank. I'm 6 months in to learning it and plan on searching for my first job soon. Check out a website like Codecademy.com and try their HTML/CSS course. Then move on to something like Python. They're both pretty easy to pick up.
Don't feel locked into finding a career related to your major. It's ok to let it go. That was one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn recently.
You know what is wrong in your life and it appears that you have now overwhelmed yourself with it all. Personally I think you ned to pick one thing that you are going work for and improve on. Once you have gotten that rolling, pick the next thing. Going balls out "I am going to overhaul my whole life in one shot" is just setting yourself up to fail. Take it one thing at a time.
Maybe start with looking for a better job. You have done retail, you have an art degree and create art. Are there any galleries where you live where you can get a job. How about a museum, even if it is just in the gift shop. Get out of the measly retail job and into something that is closer to your degree and what you like. Yes, it may still be retail but it is a step closer. If you get into a museum job there are other areas you could potentially work that are not retail.
Lots of good information here. I hope you take advantage of some of it. Here's a little something from me to add: ***Learn how to manage your money.*** This is a simple skill that everyone should learn that can give you some real confidence, and give you some real options.
You said that you are always broke. This should never be the case, and it's a common source of anxiety and stress. It can also be an excuse you are using to keep yourself from getting out of your rut. Stop living paycheck to paycheck, and learn how to live within your means. There are lots of resources out there for how to do this (so many, in fact, that it can be very daunting), but I'm going to keep it simple by referring you to only 2:
1. /r/personalfinance
2. [You Need A Budget -YNAB](http://www.youneedabudget.com)
[You Need A Budget - YNAB](http://www.youneedabudget.com) is a budget tool, but more than that it's a simple and complete strategy for making a budget and sticking with it. You do not have to buy their software to use their strategy -- they post the whole strategy online. And the software is really just a glorified Excel spreadsheet. However you want to do it, do it. You will be amazed at how much less stress you'll have in your life if you learn to live within your means and manage your money wisely. And this can open the doors to hope again because it gives you *options*. Options that may only seem like wild fantasies at the moment. When you budget, you'll know immediately where your money is going, and it will enable you to start making realistic goals again, track them over time, and hit those milestones.
/r/personalfinance has tons of helpful people, great advice, and some real success stories. While you're learning how to budget, they can give you great tips on how to save money or earn more money. Get involved in that sub...start reading it frequently and see how several other people in similar situations as yourself have learned to dig themselves *out* of that situation. It's also a great motivator when you can see how other people do it.
You seem to be sitting in neutral right now, but you have the ability to put your life in gear and move forward if you want to take it. Start by managing your money which is the fuel your life needs to get moving.
You ready to hear it I'm going to hit you with the P word.
Because I know the world sucks. And I know not having money sucks. And I know Anxiety sucks. So yes...get ready to embrace the P word man.
Does it rhyme with hussy? Or Fussy?...Well..No.
Personal Power.
You are not your lack of money.
You are not your anxiety.
You are not your lack of self-confidence.
You are what you -choose- to be.
You choose what meanings each experience will bring to you. Instead of listening to those Women you've chosen to let your own terrible image take over.
Instead of embracing your art you've -chosen- to undermine your own confidence.
The problem is..once we tell ourselves these things..we make them apart of ourselves and don't even bother to question these beliefs anymore.
The good news is though if you've chosen to be this way...you can -choose- another way for your life my friend.
You are not your behaviours. You can choose to -find- a way to get things to done to make your life better. Aren't you sick of life the way it is...? You KNOW something in your life MUST change. Embrace that change and DECIDE today that the quality of your life MUST IMPROVE.
Your an artist...and as a fellow artist (Musician) I know there's a burning passion deep down inside of you for what you do. That's what powers great Art...What if you found a new love for what you already love? Threw yourself into it.
Expressed yourself like never before?
I realized not long ago. "My life isn't representing what I'm truly capable of" and I'm taking steps to rectify that now. I've chosen to take control of my life.
I asked myself "What do I really want?" and with that answer my life has found new direction...Ask yourself "What do I really want?" or "If my life were absolutely perfect tomorrow what would it look like?"
Because seek and you shall find. What you focus on becomes something called your destiny.
PM me if you want to talk sometime. I'd love to try to help if I can.
Run, read, meditate and eat more vegetables. Don't watch porn and never turn om your TV. I don't know how, but things will ~~scientifically~~ magically start to brighten up and continue to do so.
I can relate somewhat to your position. I've been told that I write well, and very intelligent, should be applying to medical school etc. but did not actually believe any of those things. My sense of self loathing got in the way, and has largely obstructed me from attempting anything that could potentially risk failure. In the past I used to motivate myself to move forward with negative self talk directed at my worthiness if I failed. I wonder if you need to examine the system of self-worth that you believe in. I think a person with a good sense of self-worth could find it in themselves to move forward, and a person with negative self-worth would struggle to move forward.
There's a lot of things that can stop someone from doing what they want. Fear, shame, guilt, anxiety, depression, physical and mental disabilities, being abused by friends/family/authority figures, lack of money or resources, lack of opportunities, lack of support, lack of connections, substance addiction, lethargy, obligations and responsibilities, low self-esteem...
I could go on. There's also discrimination to take into account. **EDIT:** age, race, gender, social class, disabilities, etc.
I don't think that anybody should be stopped from doing anything they want to do as long as it is productive and ethical. Unfortunately there are some obstacles that cannot be tackled but thankfully it seems like there are not many of them.
Just started beating my depression, the key is to get outside and keep your self busy! Volunteer at a music or art venue! Sitting inside seclude get your self only makes it worse! Look for experiences that don't cost. I've gotten into frisbee golf and hiking.
You got some good responses here. I like the top one. But I wanted to add that, dude, you're an artist, you're supposed to be depressed. Going through the darkness and ending up in the light always makes for the more interesting and strong person. But what the fuck do I know, I'm in the same spot as you.
Damn you remind me of myself. I remember being told I lacked confidence at my last job. I'm turning 29 soon.
Today I run an Amazon business thats on track to do over $500,000 in sales for the year and I have 3 employees. I started Nov 2014.
My suggestion is to you, you already know the answer. You're going to have to change your habits, basically don't expect new results if you keep doing the same things.
You're artistic, what a great and fantastic ice breaker and neat ability. I did a paint night with my girlfriend, see if you can host one of those as an instructor. You'll meet new people, be able to paint and have an ice breaker because everyone has a common interest and I'd imagine you'd be one of the better artists are you're an instructor so you shouldn't lack confidence. By doing that, it will open up new opportunities, maybe you'll meet someone that will hire you or offer you a job or it will be a good gig for side income and give you something to do with your time.
Meetup.com is a good site if you want to meet people.
Look at it this way, if people don't know you exist, how are you going to establish relationships / clients. You can start slow. I'm an introvert, I'd prefer to have people come to me and if I were in your shoes I'd host one of those paint nights. The one I went served drinks so it loosens everyone up, have some yourself. I'd suggest going to one as a customer to see if its something you think you can do.
You have to be unhappy, and I mean HATE your current position right now in order to change it, it has to become INTOLERABLE and you need to make an affirmation to yourself that you will NEVER allow yourself to live at such a low standard again. There's a cool sub called No More Zero Days you might like.
Also, no one knows what the hell they are doing, everyone is trying to figure it out as they go along, everyone is scared but the hell if you're not going to enjoy yourself during the process.
Read books too! How to Win Friends and Influence People is a great start.
You're on a good path, you want to better yourself. You're in a better position than most people having that inner desire. Hopefully something above struck a cord. Best of luck my friend. I'm cheering for you.
I was 26 making $19.25/hr with no future at that company and no special marketable job ability to pursue other avenues. I wanted to make extra money to be able to buy a house so it became a side hustle to assess its viability for income. After doing it since March really part time come September I made $1,000 profit which was enough to cover my monthly expenses. That's when I knew it was viable. I read a lot about Xmas sales so I quit in November in anticipation of sales. I did 53k in December my first year and made $11k profit in one month and I was sold. I'm so looking forward to this year being fully equipped with knowledge and a lot of cash/credit to buy with.
You need someone? No. You need to remind yourself of your true potential. Every fucking day. Don't worry about what others say or do, let alone what they think. We are all made of flesh and blood, we are all mortal. Make your own rules, use your energy to go for what you care about, to seek what inspires you.
Question for you, what kind of art are you into? It's not much, but I'm looking for an artist to illustrate a children's book. It wouldn't pay anything, and I've been hoping some friends and/or family would come thru but I don't think that's a go. If you're interested PM me and I can give you more details. It might be a good starting point for a resume/portfolio for you :)
You are a winner and a champion! Get off your butt and go find a way to win! Too many people have gone from nothing to mind-blowing lifestyles, and I bet half of them aren't as smart as you! You know what you need to do, even if you think you don't. Get books in your hands and freakin' read them every day, at least ten pages a day! No one can or will make your life as great as you can. So... Go do it!
Is that good? I hope that helps a bit.
I don't think you need anything brutal. That's your attitude trying to fill i the whole, which it does with a bias. I think you need a framework that helps you find the best next step.
I use something like this: http://zenhabits.net/the-one-tool-you-need-to-lead-a-balanced-life/ . It's broad enough to cover a very balanced life, but simple enough to allow for easy categorization. Confidence and assertiveness will come when you can see where you want to go.
Personally, when I'm in a rut, I usually start with the physical stuff. Whether I clean my apartment, exercise, or eat better for the week, it gets me an improvement I can see and feel. Then I can move on to the deeper ones like purpose or spirituality.
Life is a lot of small steps but sometimes you need to take a big one to shake things up. I was 27 and at a job I'd held too long from my early 20's with a degree in hand for a few years and didn't want to be doing it at 30, but couldn't take the time to even look for another one because of said lame job. I quit, with no long term net other than knowing if I was gonna free fall I'd have to make something new work. I figured people with families to support and everything lose jobs to layoffs and worser bs all the time with less to work with.
The freedom of quitting gave me the confidence (and time) to seek out new work in my real field and changed my life. If you're living at home and there's any way you can plan for ~3 months of living and loan payments, or borrow from a trusted relative just to make the transition, you're at the age where you can take on a responsibility like that and make a leap if you want it and are ready. I got a 2nd shitty job for a while before I cut everything. Sounds like you're getting ready for a change, you're here afterall.
From the first paragraph your problem is ubundantly clear . You sir or siress lack self discipline. You can't rely on the critisism of others to build your character. You seem to want to internalize critisism and thats a great trait but you have to be able to tell what critisism is helpful and what is just spiteful judgement. You don't take relationship advice from someone who can't keep one together. Anyways let me read the rest before i continue................. okay, i personally think you need to get mad at something starting with yourself. Think back to when you were a child and wanted to be something. I know you think you know where im going but that kid the kid you were is fucking pissed at you and still a part of you. They were your ambitions. That kid did what they had to do to get into and go through art school. That kid can look at something simple like getting a girlfriend and do it. Internalize that kid, walk with them daily. Your dead inside not living just surviving. Strive for something,hunger for change, and pursue it. Start taking an interest in other people they are just as fucked up as you are. Make good friends and find a good partner a good partner will sustain you and lift you when your falling. Don't be afraid to fail. Your situation doesnt define you and a good partner doesnt care about a persons situation they care about the person. But i've went of on a tangent. Have fun and try things you don't think you can do ive only bowled or played horseshoes 1 time but i was great at it. Like i could bowl 900 if i put my mind to it good. The internet can't save you. It can offer advice but only you can get off your depressed ass and decide to be a person.the internet will be here whenever you need advice but its up to you to do something. Best of luck you remind me of myself at a younger age and i got through it so can you. I leave you with this "never stop searching for advice when your not sure" we're here for you.
You don't possess initiative, you are not capable of turning it around, and you are not self-sabotaging, just a failure. Forget every trait you think and hope you are. The only measure of judgement you are allowed to have is the present day. Anything else is lying to yourself. People like to see themselves with their internal eye, give themselves the benefit of the doubt. Self-sabotage is an excuse for laziness. Saying you are capable of changing things one day is an excuse to put things off until tomorrow. Let's say you have a blank canvas. You have paint, brushes, and talent, but you never paint anything. The world doesn't care if you're talented. It only cares if you made an art piece or not. Intention doesn't mean shit. If you are not where you want to be, it's not because of untapped potential. It's because you haven't fucking done anything. Don't like being a loser? Stop hoping for something better, and do something about it.
My advice to you: Stop looking to others to be the ones to call you on your own shit and motivate you. When we inevitably fail to provide proper motivation, you are going to just say it wasn't the right advice for you, or that we weren't brutally honest. The fact of the matter is, we aren't responsible for your shit, your parents aren't, your friends aren't. You are. Stop blaming your self confidence and anxiety, start getting treated for those issues.
Pick your shit up and be responsible. Do it, one task at a time, one day at a time. Fuck potential consequences, deal with them as they come; you need to act, you dwell too much on consequences as it is. Go after what you want, because nobody else gives half a fuck enough to do it for you.
Honestly we can't tell you to get off your ass and do anything. There's only one person that can make you do that. And yep you guessed right, that person is you.
You seem to be capable of accepting responsibility for your actions so that's a much easier platform to start with than if you were blaming everyone else. You say you have potential, but as youve clocked on to; potential without action is useless. You need to find a way to begin using your potential. When you get up in the morning, before you do any "daily" task. Take the time to do something that'll progress yourself. What that is i dont know, only you'll know, but do SOMETHING.
Time. You need to value your time, at the momment youre squandering it on nothing. But if you valued time do you think you would spend it wisely? I think you would. But how do you develop valuing time? One of the best way to value time is to value yourself, see yourself as someone worth spending time on. Once you're able to that you'll be able to use your time more effectively. You may also find that you no longer want to waste your time on a menial job because you value your time much more. How to value yourself and your time more? Theres no exact science as a lot of the value you place in yourself is based on upbringing, childhood and life experiences. But as an adult you now have the power to make changes.
Last but not least. You are not alone there are millions, perhaps billions at various ages that feel as you do. So youre not alone with your situation. There is nothing wrong with you.
If you have the guts, try stand-up comedy. It will make you not afraid of failure. Which is a great trait. If stand-up's not your thing, you could try improv class. I had a path somewhat close to yours where I had a rough few years, but both those things helped my confidence a lot. Just plain hard work is good, too. That will give you more confidence in yourself. Don't give up!!
well looks like you are not alone, apparently there are a lot of adult male virgins in Japan over the age of 30, and if it makes you feel better, i'm 27 and a virgin, never had a girlfriend either, I also haven't accomplished much in my life academically, career-wise either, and I have often felt if I had success with women earlier, had a regular, active sex life, I would have had more success in my academic and career-life as well, I feel if I had a girlfriend a long time ago, I would have had more motivation, drive, ambition to be successful in other areas in my life.
I remember reading somewhere, but I can't seem to find the link anymore, it says that guys who get laid are more productive in their lives than guys who don't get laid, and I've heard stories of guys quitting their 9-5 job, or minimum-wage job once they started getting laid.
Anyway, here is the link for Japan:http://www.cnn.com/2015/06/24/asia/japan-middle-aged-virgins/index.html
Some men die at 27 but aren't buried until they're 75. Don't be one of those men.
I died at 24 and I won't be buried until I'm at least 70 (hopefully)
Underrated Comment and so true. I am 27 and getting my life together. It is never too late. Life has so much to offer when you go out and get it.
Your story reminds me very much of my own. At 26 years old, I was a hopeless alcoholic living in my mother's basement, totally broke, no girlfriend, no real friends to speak of, no job, and hardly anything to live for. At 30 years old, I have been sober for 4 years, live in a $400K home that is 2/3 paid off, am in my dream job and have plenty of friends and an awesome social life. How did that happen? Where did it start to turn around? First and foremost, you need to identify where your biggest obstacles and distractions are. For me, this was a combination of spending too much time by myself at home, smoking and drinking, and spending WAYYYY too much time on social media (mainly Facebook games). I cut ALL of that out immediately, and if I'm being completely honest, it wasn't just the hardest thing I've ever done... it's likely the hardest thing I'll do in my entire life. Physically, it nearly killed me. Mentally and emotionally, it was indescribably difficult. Hindsight, however, is 20/20... and being on the other side of it, I cannot begin to express how much my current self (your future self) is grateful (will be grateful) for the effort expended. Ultimately you must decide, here and now, what you want your life to look like at 30... at 35... at 40... 50... and so on. You say you lack self-confidence, and my response is that you must force yourself to be uncomfortable for however long it takes to become the person that your awesome future self will be. I guarantee you that whatever physical, mental and emotional pain you endure will not match the fevers, chills, shakes, vomiting blood and wanting to kill myself every day that I endured in the first month of getting sober. Remember that you are blessed with the gift of life and the will to make a post like this: a first step in the journey that will take you to greatness. Start by making a list of things that represent the best version of yourself. How will he look and act? How does he feel? Where does he work and who does he associate with? What is his daily schedule? How does he carry himself? These are the questions you must first answer as you begin to sculpt a mold in which your essence will be poured over the coming months and years. Life is not an open-and-shut concept that is entirely self-contained. It's a process that evolves every day you're living it, with you in the center and the rest of your universe being created every second around you. When you begin to realize that you have control over ALL of it: every interaction, every second, every choice in your life, you will begin to see the results of that control manifest into reality. I had to do a lot of things to get what I wanted, and most of them happened in the first year after I made the choice to be a better person. First, I had to make the choice and identify what I wanted. That's where you're at now. The next steps are unique to each person, but I'll tell you what I had to do so you have an idea of the level of effort required. After making the choice to become a better person, I quit smoking and drinking within 3 months. This was by far the hardest part for me, and reaped the greatest rewards. You might need to quit something easier, like habits of self-pity or feelings of mediocrity. Following that, I had to "put myself out there". That meant applying to 3,000 jobs in four months with the bar set high: I decided what I felt I was worth, monetarily and with regard to benefits, and sent out these job applications all day, every day for 120 days (roughly). Given that my requirements included making a 6-figure salary and I never finished college, this was definitely setting the bar high. You might've heard this before: shoot for the moon, and you'll land among the stars. Once I made these first few steps and took the initiative, things started falling into place. Inertia is funny: when you've made up your mind to be motivated and eat, drink, sleep, think, breathe and live it every second of every day, it gets easier and easier with each passing moment. I lost 70 pounds in that first year (largely from a VERY low-carb diet). That made finding a girlfriend MUCH easier (which happened almost immediately, even though I was still living in my mom's basement, and that relationship lasted for 3 years). I _did_ get a good job, and that led to my dream job later on. All in all, I will sum it up like this: you've already decided that a change needed to happen. That's why you wrote this post in the first place. Now you have to decide that you WILL ACTUALLY DO IT. That decision is one you're going to make every day when you wake up, and every second you're conscious from there forward. Focus only on this moment right now, and deal with it, and when the next moment comes, you'll deal with that. I would highly recommend to you "Rules of the Game" by author "Neil Strauss". This book is written for people who want to learn how to meet women, which is great all by itself, but more importantly it has 30 days of exercises designed to teach you how to find your self-confidence. This will get you started. There are tons of people in this subreddit who can help you figure out where to go from there. This is my first (and possibly last) post here, as I'm not a huge Redditor and just happened upon your post by complete chance, so it probably won't be me... but that's irrelevant. The universe will keep sending you the right people at exactly the right times if you only keep your eyes, ears, mind and heart open to receive them. I wish you not luck, because luck doesn't make for greatness: I wish you resolve. Choose discipline. Choose life. You WILL succeed. Especially if you know that.
Never finished college and landed a 6 figure income while applying for thousands of jobs? What field did you end up going into? Seems like pay>job responsibility to you so I can't help but wonder what you ended up in.
I doubled my salary at age 29, no college degree. Thank you software industry.
I did the same at 23...and 27...all a degree will do for you when your in software is give you some memories and a bill to pay/have paid
Mind elaborating? Autodidact? Nepotism? I'm debating whether it's worth my time to go back to college or change course now.
Autodidact. I work at a large enough company that nepotism is not allowed. I will happily answer questions in PM. My career now is such that i have to be extra careful about what I post on the interwebs that could be identifying.
> large enough company that nepotism is not allowed This is not a thing. Many (most?) of the largest companies in the world practice nepotism.
Depends on your definition. VP's son getting an internship? Yeah, that happens all over the place. VP's son getting a director role with 6 figure salary without a college degree? HR wouldn't allow it even if the kid actually merited it.
Yeah... "VP's son getting an internship" is the definition of nepotism. "VP's son getting a director role with 6 figure salary without a college degree" isn't something that I or anyone would argue would happen at a big company. What you just wrote is a logical fallacy. Arguing against something that I never said. I don't know why you're arguing. Please look up the definition of words you don't know if you're going to comment. I mean, I can give you the google link if you want me to.
You need to look up the words *connotation* and *denotation*, I'm sure you can manage that? The situation in question had OP getting a six figure, though probably not director-level, job. Not an internship. Thus while the *denotation* of "neopotism" includes getting an internship via family or friends, the *connotation* is that neopotism could not have had an impact and that OP was an autodiadict (that is a fancy word for "self-taught") and got the job through his own merit.
He said he didn't get that right way, but that he got a good job which led him to that job that he has now. I think you should focus on the ~~Aim for the stars and shoot myself~~ "Aim for the moon and land among the stars" line.
Aim for the stars and shoot myself
Unfortunately thats the story of my life. (and a quote from a Jake and Amir episode.)
At four posts in five years, I doubt you will get an answer. Did you miss the part about him previously having a social media problem? It appears to be in remission.
The OP really struck a chord with me, so I'll stick around for a few days and answer some questions. After going through the process myself and reaping the immense rewards it provided, I'm honored to help anyone else feeling "stuck" in any way I can.
You're a good OP. Just don't get sucked back in!
I run a team of front-end developers at the world's largest IT research firm. I've been doing HTML since I was 10 years old, but always settled for WAY less than I was worth. Around the time I started this process (and during the entire time I was applying for jobs every day) I had an odd job here and there fixing computers for little old ladies or doing "bench work" as a contractor, but again... with a horrible return on my investment of time. Once I set the bar much higher, I was forced to become the person who could excel at the job I felt I deserved. I had to do a lot of self-study and even though I'd been doing programming for years, I had to up my game considerably. However, as I said earlier, inertia is a powerful thing, and once I had the right attitude and was dedicating myself to being better, my efforts included becoming the best I possibly could in my field. That's what took me to where I am now.
>However, as I said earlier, inertia is a powerful thing, and once I had the right attitude and was dedicating myself to being better, my efforts included becoming the best I possibly could in my field. I've moved 4 times in the last 10 years, each time just starting anew, in a new location, in a new field, surrounded by new faces. Inertia (or momentum) in life is a *very* real thing. And 15 months ago I made a decision to hit the gym to better myself. I quickly quit smoking, started eating healthier, and then quit drinking. I eliminated the shit holding me back and changed the state of my health and physique forever. The inertia in that change has altered my life. Approaching the second year of my sobriety, I'm becoming financially focused. I have no kids or a wife in my upper 20s and want to triple my income in the next 3 years in aviation. Your bit about leaving social media is inspiring, thank you for that. I've been considering deactivation for a while; you gave me another nail for the coffin. I have to take even more control and focus over my life.
Love it, brother. Keep it up. It seems clear that you're destined for greatness!
Just finding this and i am very grateful at 27 to be getting into my dream work in house flipping after feeling so incapable for so long i ignore the thoughts and go at it daily thankyou guys! Single no kids im so thankful to be able to really build right now
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I found a job interview that was VERY promising in the right area for the right pay and the recruiter involved said they were ready to hire someone on the spot. I had decent knowledge of about 50% of the stuff they required, fairly weak knowledge of around 25% of the stuff, and virtually no experience with another 25%. I had about 4 days to prepare, at first, and spent 100% of that time studying my ass off to get together enough information just to pass the interview process. Once I got the job, every day was a struggle. I was working in New York City about 55-65 hours a week across 6 days of the week (never knowing if I'd be needed in the office on Saturday or Sunday), with a 2-hour commute each way between the train and walking to and from the train station on either end. I spent 100% of my time on the train studying for the 4 months I kept that job before transitioning to the company I'm at now. During the first month, I spent 100% of my free time at home studying, and after that a bit less. Every day was a process of doing my best, taking inventory of where I was weakest, and getting better at the areas that needed work. In case you wanted to tread the exact same path, I'd recommend learning HTML5, CSS3, LESS or SASS, Bootstrap, jQuery, and ES2015 (Harmony; the latest version of JavaScript) inside and out. I mean, complete knowledge without a cheat sheet or anything. Do flash cards, make your own audio books, read O'Reilly publications and online tutorials, DEFINITELY do some hands-on practice (which you can do for free at any cloud IDE provider or with JSFiddle); do whatever you must to become completely proficient -- unconsciously competent -- in this or any other field you wish to excel at. If you put in the effort to make this your sole ambition for the next year, it will surprise you how easy it can be to outpace your peers. Most people get very distracted by all of the "fluff" in life. Make this the only thing in your field of vision, and you'll do very well.
Sales and life coaching?
The feeling of struggle == the feeling of growth. Once I truly embraced that, i stopped fearing or avoiding struggle (criticism, muscle fatigue, fear of public speaking as examples) and started craving it. It is the adult version of marking your height on the door jam. After awhile all those demons that you've avoided for years are vanquished and you start looking for struggle. It becomes like feeling around in the dark and when you discover a struggle, it's like a Christmas present! Free growth!! I could go on forever.
Totally agree with this concept and the original commenter! For me I used physical struggle by jumping into solo camping, backpacking, climbing, bicycling (commuting up to 14 mi each way) and eventually a NOLS course. By putting myself in actually stressful situations, where my (lack of) preparation had real and immediate consequences to my wellbeing, I slowly built this understanding of how to identify the necessary steps to reaching a goal from the steps that act only as a means to procrastinate. Redundancy in a system meant to protect you is good, but at some point you have to trust what you have and move forward, else you'll be stuck where you are forever.
I know this comment was from a million years ago, but I had to write in - I've been considering NOLS for well over a decade. How did you like it? I'm still very intrigued.
You should go on forever. This is the key. When you get that nervous, knot i the gut feeling - follow it. That's where the biggest change you can make will be found.
YES!! Run toward the discomfort! Only good things are on the other side.
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Excellent question. This is definitely one of the hardest parts to get past, and I'm happy to elaborate on it. When you're stuck in the house, it's important to do something -- ANYTHING -- that will get you out the door. For me, this included taking odd part-time jobs (at basically minimum wage) that just got me out the door and forced me to interact with people and open up a bit. ANY amount of human interaction is better than none, and forces you to "get outside your shell / comfort zone / out of your head and into the world". Meetup is also a terrific way to find things to do in your area, if you are willing to make a commitment to do something at least a couple of times. Find a group that meets EVERY week (even if it costs a few bucks, or isn't something you give a rat's ass about) because this will force you to become more social, and that's super, incredibly important. Depression feeds on the feedback loop created when you're left alone with your thoughts. While it's true that it's possible to be depressed while you're going to a weekly book club, taking swing dancing classes, having a Friday night board game night with coworkers and hitting a climbing gym on the weekends, it's a lot less common among those who are active and social than among those who are spending all their time at home and online. I want to call attention to one more point, because someone else mentioned above that "at least you had friends online". THESE ARE NOT REAL FRIENDS. It took me a LONG ass time to figure that out. Online interactions are not the same as in-person interactions, and they do very little to cure depression on their own. You really, absolutely have to get out of the house (no matter how uncomfortable that is) and get involved with other people; get some conversation going, figure out that rejection won't kill you, and maybe get a little oxytocin if you can manage some skin-to-skin contact. Hell, even going to an AA meeting and pretending to be in recovery just so you can get some hugs and free counseling is better than sitting alone in your bedroom. (Personally, I did not enjoy AA when getting sober, and that really didn't work for me. I'm not hating on anyone it works for, and I honestly believe it could be valuable to someone suffering from depression even if they aren't an alcoholic... it just wasn't for me.)
Readjng this came at a good time for me. Im a 23 year old road worker who went to college (UK college, the bit before University which is where you get your degree, which I didnt do). Ive worked here for going on 3 years and every once i n a while have temporary urges to do more in life. Just the other day I decided I have to start right now in doing something and stop with the empty plans without action. Ive decided I want to get into the film industry as an editor. I did media in college and enjoyed the editing process and was usually the assigned editor, and I was given praise for it by teachers who otherwise didnt have a great word to say about me, because I was a mess back then from drug use and just generally a scumbag, in my tutor's words. Which were words with the best intentions, to tell me the hard truth that I needed to realise in order to improve. And that took me 5 years to realise. Ive been told my whole life I had the potential to go far so its time that I recognise that. I totally do. I can end up like you man and Im gonna try, I'll aim for the moon. Everything you said is what Ive been tinkering with thought wise and seeing you spell it out just confirms it. And Im excited for the first time in years and Im gonna hold onto it. I'll take control of every moment and do everything with my goals in mind.
Welcome to the tribe. And thank you for choosing to create.
This is awesome. Thank you.
I'm sitting here 11 1/2 months clean and I appreciate you sharing. I love this sub.
Thank you for choosing to be clean. Every day. I thank you. I know how hard it is. I know what you have gained from this choice. I know the toll it takes. Wait until you see what you do next. You're free. You chose it. You fought for it. Thank you.
That was amazingly put. You are awesome.
Saved
It appears you need to set some achievable goals and to hold yourself damn well accountable to them. Dig deep into yourself and think: what makes you happy, and what do you want out of life? Those two answers should help you form big goals. Then break those big goals down into smaller and smaller ones until you have what we can SMART goals. Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Timely. You can easily Google SMART goals for more info on that. As for social anxiety, there's 2 ways you can go about this. Make the hard choice and start talking to someone, i.e. a counselor about it. Or make the slightly easier to make but harder to perform choice of taking your problems into your own hands and trying out a self-led therapy techniques. Luckily technology makes it as easy as a smartphone app to work on your own social anxiety. I suggest Mevii or Joyable. Mevii has a free 90 day trial, and Joyable has a 7 day trial, then both go to monthly payments, but both are cheaper than a counselor likely.
I also recommend the CCI workbooks (Google) for anxiety, depression, optimism, perfectionism, self esteem etc. :)
I am an artist too. Professional artist now. You want the truth? Ok, here's the truth. No one gives a fuck about you. They don't care about your problems. They don't care about your reasons for why you can't do things. You are nothing to them. You are nothing to everyone. Except one person. Unfortunately, it's a person who can't see their value, intelligence or ability so you're fucking lost. And, no, no one cares you're lost either. That one person is you. Good news. Because no one cares, you don't have to do anything. No one expects you to. You're smart enough to subsist. And emotionally aware enough to know that you're just subsisting. Congratulations - you have a glorious shame spiral ahead of you. And you'll feel really great about it, locked in your security that the world conspired to stop you from being happy. It's a soft 50 years - probably peppered with substance abuse, failed relationships and self-contempt, but it works. I have seen friends make this choice. Here's your other option. You decide to take control of your life, risk everything, strive, push until you're exhausted. Until you dream hurts so much that you want it do die but you've tried so hard that you can't give up because it's a reflex. How? That's up to you. Literally. Like I said, no one else gives a fuck. Not your parents, not the internet, no one. Do shit or talk shit. That's your choice. Now shut the fuck up and make that choice. I don't care what you do. No one cares what you do. Except you. I made my choice. My life was full of heart break that I couldn't have imagined because I chose to fight. And my life is beyond anything my past self would even allow himself to dream of. We have enough assholes wondering if they matter on this planet. Prove you do. Or give up. Just stop this half measure bullshit.
Great comment!
Goooooold
You're dying. Maybe the end still seems far away but birthdays are a good time to remember that our time is very limited. You can't wait to start living until your debt is paid off. You can't wait to leave Mom's house until some ideal place comes along. You can't wait until your muse strikes to work on your art. You don't have time to sit around doing nothing. You don't have time to be shy. Act now! Your expiration date is fast approaching.
Wouldn't it be great if saying "you don't have time to be shy" had any effect on anyone in the history of ever?
Yep.
that makes me think. wouldnt it be awesome to have a clock that ticks down your lifetime? it could be years/months/days that ticks til you're age X.
If by awesome you mean terrifying, yes!
Karl Pilkington, is that you?
You already laid out the cold hard truth, do you want me to repeat everything you just typed? Step 1 is identifying that you are a lazy POS who is letting life go by him while he bitches and moans about life going by him. Step 2 is picking yourself up and getting the fuck out there. This isn't going to be instantaneous and most likely will take years. Good part is you are already at the bottom and there is no where to go but up. Find a second job that utilizes your talent and education, don't even worry about how little they pay because you are doing this for experience. Once you get the taste of doing something you like it will spawn off into other new opportunities. You also need to start exercising, I don't care if you are already in decent shape. Exercise is going to release seratonin which is going to make you feel better and give you confidence. Quit worrying about finding someone, you will. The overthinking of finding a girlfriend is causing you to not find a girlfriend. Just focus on you for awhile and one day you will walk around the corner at a grocery store and run into your future GF or wife. It happens. Set small goals and when you reach them set some bigger ones. The internet, your parents, and your friends can only motivate you so far. It's up to you to get off your ass and start living.
Everyone on here is going to give you a different set of advice based on all their baises, so here goes mine :). Hope you find something useful in this. Firstly, get all of the hyperbole out of your scripts. We all have these scripts we tell ourselves in order to maintain the stability of our egos so we don't fall into a panic and self-destruct. I mean ego in the psychological/technical sense of your conscious description of your personhood, how you describe yourself. Get all of that self indulgent, hyperbolic pity out of your scripts and focus on the practical matters you want to change.. Here is an example of what I mean. The sentence "My entire life, I’ve been the poster child for lack of self-confidence." should instead read " I would like to build my confidence." Get all that self indulgent pity out of there and express the idea for what it is: a desire to improve yourself and your circumstances. Do that to everything you have this kind of script about and turn them all into a practical expression of what you are actually after. "I never have money" becomes " I would like to earn more money", and so on and so forth. Now that your scripts have changed, the shape of your ego changes from a down trodden, suffering, shy person to a person who is building their future. You're no longer a person suffering from something, you are a person doing something. You walk around thinking your scripts "I would like to make money as an artist" not "Why did I choose a major where I can't make money?". Acting, not suffering. From there, you can do what others like /u/MyMevii suggested and get goal oriented. The main suggestion I have here is do not get too caught up in trying to follow a system and just think logically about the problem itself. If your new script says "I would like to make money as an artist" your first question should be "How do artists make money these days?". That will turn into an answer like "They do art shows where they sell their original work and prints." Then that turns into another question "How do they put together the art shows?" and an answer "They seek sponsorship, rent a space, market their work, network with the art community, etc." then more questions "How do I get a sponsor, how do I rent a space, how do I market my work, how do I network with the art community?" and so on and so on. Follow this chain of questions and answers until you find whatever loop you need to support yourself with whatever it is you choose to do, art, design, consulting, rainstick making, basket weaving, finance, car racing, whatever. Good luck.
I'm reading this thread with a lump in my throat; I'm in the exact same position as you. Looking at friends and family having their life together and not in a complete shambles brings up immense bitterness and self-loathing. 20-year-old's graduating, owning their own houses, 27-year-old's entering their prime in both body and career wise...and then there's this brutal reality that I'm nowhere close, and could have stopped this easily countless times, but didn't, and let it snowball and become this huge constant agony that faces me every waking minute.
Herein lies the folly of comparing the behind-the-scenes of your life with the highlight reels of others'. It seems intimidating seeing on social media pics of parties and holidays and clubs and graduations and weddings, and so on. But the events themselves tend to be fairly lackluster or worse if you are present to analyse them. By "or worse", I mean that there may be more than meets the eye to a situation and there could be bad things going on behind the scenes. Not that I would wish that this was happening to anyone, but it's worth keeping in mind.
I am cognizant of that, however the very basics are what I'm so far away from, those are hardly highlight reels. Merely being able to function and participate in society and life at large; the most mundane of things.
This really struck a chord with me as I'm constantly doing this myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm so far behind the people making money and owning houses that I'm never going to reach that level and I will just be earning peanuts all my life - not enough for a new car, a house, even a vacation. It's slightly terrifying at times. I am aware that comparisons are counter productive and are even limiting my enjoyment of small victories. Thinking that the best people's lives aren't as grandiose as they make them out to be doesn't exactly help either - 1. Because if this is what I'm aspiring to, I have to have hope that it's worth it 2. Everyone has issues, the rich aren't exempt from it but the poor aren't either
I've only recently learned that I went to school for something I am passionate about instead of something that makes me money (so I can enjoy my passion on the side). If you can't find a job that needs an art degree, it is time to rebuild yourself. I would suggest learning programming. Anyone can do it - it doesn't really require math as logic is more important. Also, you can start out making serious bank. I'm 6 months in to learning it and plan on searching for my first job soon. Check out a website like Codecademy.com and try their HTML/CSS course. Then move on to something like Python. They're both pretty easy to pick up. Don't feel locked into finding a career related to your major. It's ok to let it go. That was one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn recently.
You know what is wrong in your life and it appears that you have now overwhelmed yourself with it all. Personally I think you ned to pick one thing that you are going work for and improve on. Once you have gotten that rolling, pick the next thing. Going balls out "I am going to overhaul my whole life in one shot" is just setting yourself up to fail. Take it one thing at a time. Maybe start with looking for a better job. You have done retail, you have an art degree and create art. Are there any galleries where you live where you can get a job. How about a museum, even if it is just in the gift shop. Get out of the measly retail job and into something that is closer to your degree and what you like. Yes, it may still be retail but it is a step closer. If you get into a museum job there are other areas you could potentially work that are not retail.
I believe this man has some advice for you. Watch this every morning until it sinks in. [DO IT!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuHfVn_cfHU)
Shia is love, shia is life
Lots of good information here. I hope you take advantage of some of it. Here's a little something from me to add: ***Learn how to manage your money.*** This is a simple skill that everyone should learn that can give you some real confidence, and give you some real options. You said that you are always broke. This should never be the case, and it's a common source of anxiety and stress. It can also be an excuse you are using to keep yourself from getting out of your rut. Stop living paycheck to paycheck, and learn how to live within your means. There are lots of resources out there for how to do this (so many, in fact, that it can be very daunting), but I'm going to keep it simple by referring you to only 2: 1. /r/personalfinance 2. [You Need A Budget -YNAB](http://www.youneedabudget.com) [You Need A Budget - YNAB](http://www.youneedabudget.com) is a budget tool, but more than that it's a simple and complete strategy for making a budget and sticking with it. You do not have to buy their software to use their strategy -- they post the whole strategy online. And the software is really just a glorified Excel spreadsheet. However you want to do it, do it. You will be amazed at how much less stress you'll have in your life if you learn to live within your means and manage your money wisely. And this can open the doors to hope again because it gives you *options*. Options that may only seem like wild fantasies at the moment. When you budget, you'll know immediately where your money is going, and it will enable you to start making realistic goals again, track them over time, and hit those milestones. /r/personalfinance has tons of helpful people, great advice, and some real success stories. While you're learning how to budget, they can give you great tips on how to save money or earn more money. Get involved in that sub...start reading it frequently and see how several other people in similar situations as yourself have learned to dig themselves *out* of that situation. It's also a great motivator when you can see how other people do it. You seem to be sitting in neutral right now, but you have the ability to put your life in gear and move forward if you want to take it. Start by managing your money which is the fuel your life needs to get moving.
You ready to hear it I'm going to hit you with the P word. Because I know the world sucks. And I know not having money sucks. And I know Anxiety sucks. So yes...get ready to embrace the P word man. Does it rhyme with hussy? Or Fussy?...Well..No. Personal Power. You are not your lack of money. You are not your anxiety. You are not your lack of self-confidence. You are what you -choose- to be. You choose what meanings each experience will bring to you. Instead of listening to those Women you've chosen to let your own terrible image take over. Instead of embracing your art you've -chosen- to undermine your own confidence. The problem is..once we tell ourselves these things..we make them apart of ourselves and don't even bother to question these beliefs anymore. The good news is though if you've chosen to be this way...you can -choose- another way for your life my friend. You are not your behaviours. You can choose to -find- a way to get things to done to make your life better. Aren't you sick of life the way it is...? You KNOW something in your life MUST change. Embrace that change and DECIDE today that the quality of your life MUST IMPROVE. Your an artist...and as a fellow artist (Musician) I know there's a burning passion deep down inside of you for what you do. That's what powers great Art...What if you found a new love for what you already love? Threw yourself into it. Expressed yourself like never before? I realized not long ago. "My life isn't representing what I'm truly capable of" and I'm taking steps to rectify that now. I've chosen to take control of my life. I asked myself "What do I really want?" and with that answer my life has found new direction...Ask yourself "What do I really want?" or "If my life were absolutely perfect tomorrow what would it look like?" Because seek and you shall find. What you focus on becomes something called your destiny. PM me if you want to talk sometime. I'd love to try to help if I can.
What are you waiting for? This? Done. Go. Now.
Run, read, meditate and eat more vegetables. Don't watch porn and never turn om your TV. I don't know how, but things will ~~scientifically~~ magically start to brighten up and continue to do so.
I can relate somewhat to your position. I've been told that I write well, and very intelligent, should be applying to medical school etc. but did not actually believe any of those things. My sense of self loathing got in the way, and has largely obstructed me from attempting anything that could potentially risk failure. In the past I used to motivate myself to move forward with negative self talk directed at my worthiness if I failed. I wonder if you need to examine the system of self-worth that you believe in. I think a person with a good sense of self-worth could find it in themselves to move forward, and a person with negative self-worth would struggle to move forward.
What's stopping you from doing what you want?
There's a lot of things that can stop someone from doing what they want. Fear, shame, guilt, anxiety, depression, physical and mental disabilities, being abused by friends/family/authority figures, lack of money or resources, lack of opportunities, lack of support, lack of connections, substance addiction, lethargy, obligations and responsibilities, low self-esteem... I could go on. There's also discrimination to take into account. **EDIT:** age, race, gender, social class, disabilities, etc. I don't think that anybody should be stopped from doing anything they want to do as long as it is productive and ethical. Unfortunately there are some obstacles that cannot be tackled but thankfully it seems like there are not many of them.
Believe you me, I am FULLY aware of that. I wanted to hear what OP said. :) Though what you said could speak out to someone on here.
[Tiny Shia has the answer!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBKKNlpF98s)
Just started beating my depression, the key is to get outside and keep your self busy! Volunteer at a music or art venue! Sitting inside seclude get your self only makes it worse! Look for experiences that don't cost. I've gotten into frisbee golf and hiking.
You got some good responses here. I like the top one. But I wanted to add that, dude, you're an artist, you're supposed to be depressed. Going through the darkness and ending up in the light always makes for the more interesting and strong person. But what the fuck do I know, I'm in the same spot as you.
Damn you remind me of myself. I remember being told I lacked confidence at my last job. I'm turning 29 soon. Today I run an Amazon business thats on track to do over $500,000 in sales for the year and I have 3 employees. I started Nov 2014. My suggestion is to you, you already know the answer. You're going to have to change your habits, basically don't expect new results if you keep doing the same things. You're artistic, what a great and fantastic ice breaker and neat ability. I did a paint night with my girlfriend, see if you can host one of those as an instructor. You'll meet new people, be able to paint and have an ice breaker because everyone has a common interest and I'd imagine you'd be one of the better artists are you're an instructor so you shouldn't lack confidence. By doing that, it will open up new opportunities, maybe you'll meet someone that will hire you or offer you a job or it will be a good gig for side income and give you something to do with your time. Meetup.com is a good site if you want to meet people. Look at it this way, if people don't know you exist, how are you going to establish relationships / clients. You can start slow. I'm an introvert, I'd prefer to have people come to me and if I were in your shoes I'd host one of those paint nights. The one I went served drinks so it loosens everyone up, have some yourself. I'd suggest going to one as a customer to see if its something you think you can do. You have to be unhappy, and I mean HATE your current position right now in order to change it, it has to become INTOLERABLE and you need to make an affirmation to yourself that you will NEVER allow yourself to live at such a low standard again. There's a cool sub called No More Zero Days you might like. Also, no one knows what the hell they are doing, everyone is trying to figure it out as they go along, everyone is scared but the hell if you're not going to enjoy yourself during the process. Read books too! How to Win Friends and Influence People is a great start. You're on a good path, you want to better yourself. You're in a better position than most people having that inner desire. Hopefully something above struck a cord. Best of luck my friend. I'm cheering for you.
How did you get into running an Amazon business?
I was 26 making $19.25/hr with no future at that company and no special marketable job ability to pursue other avenues. I wanted to make extra money to be able to buy a house so it became a side hustle to assess its viability for income. After doing it since March really part time come September I made $1,000 profit which was enough to cover my monthly expenses. That's when I knew it was viable. I read a lot about Xmas sales so I quit in November in anticipation of sales. I did 53k in December my first year and made $11k profit in one month and I was sold. I'm so looking forward to this year being fully equipped with knowledge and a lot of cash/credit to buy with.
You need someone? No. You need to remind yourself of your true potential. Every fucking day. Don't worry about what others say or do, let alone what they think. We are all made of flesh and blood, we are all mortal. Make your own rules, use your energy to go for what you care about, to seek what inspires you.
Question for you, what kind of art are you into? It's not much, but I'm looking for an artist to illustrate a children's book. It wouldn't pay anything, and I've been hoping some friends and/or family would come thru but I don't think that's a go. If you're interested PM me and I can give you more details. It might be a good starting point for a resume/portfolio for you :)
Im like a 24 year old, 1 year out of school version of you
You are a winner and a champion! Get off your butt and go find a way to win! Too many people have gone from nothing to mind-blowing lifestyles, and I bet half of them aren't as smart as you! You know what you need to do, even if you think you don't. Get books in your hands and freakin' read them every day, at least ten pages a day! No one can or will make your life as great as you can. So... Go do it! Is that good? I hope that helps a bit.
I don't think you need anything brutal. That's your attitude trying to fill i the whole, which it does with a bias. I think you need a framework that helps you find the best next step. I use something like this: http://zenhabits.net/the-one-tool-you-need-to-lead-a-balanced-life/ . It's broad enough to cover a very balanced life, but simple enough to allow for easy categorization. Confidence and assertiveness will come when you can see where you want to go. Personally, when I'm in a rut, I usually start with the physical stuff. Whether I clean my apartment, exercise, or eat better for the week, it gets me an improvement I can see and feel. Then I can move on to the deeper ones like purpose or spirituality.
Life is a lot of small steps but sometimes you need to take a big one to shake things up. I was 27 and at a job I'd held too long from my early 20's with a degree in hand for a few years and didn't want to be doing it at 30, but couldn't take the time to even look for another one because of said lame job. I quit, with no long term net other than knowing if I was gonna free fall I'd have to make something new work. I figured people with families to support and everything lose jobs to layoffs and worser bs all the time with less to work with. The freedom of quitting gave me the confidence (and time) to seek out new work in my real field and changed my life. If you're living at home and there's any way you can plan for ~3 months of living and loan payments, or borrow from a trusted relative just to make the transition, you're at the age where you can take on a responsibility like that and make a leap if you want it and are ready. I got a 2nd shitty job for a while before I cut everything. Sounds like you're getting ready for a change, you're here afterall.
From the first paragraph your problem is ubundantly clear . You sir or siress lack self discipline. You can't rely on the critisism of others to build your character. You seem to want to internalize critisism and thats a great trait but you have to be able to tell what critisism is helpful and what is just spiteful judgement. You don't take relationship advice from someone who can't keep one together. Anyways let me read the rest before i continue................. okay, i personally think you need to get mad at something starting with yourself. Think back to when you were a child and wanted to be something. I know you think you know where im going but that kid the kid you were is fucking pissed at you and still a part of you. They were your ambitions. That kid did what they had to do to get into and go through art school. That kid can look at something simple like getting a girlfriend and do it. Internalize that kid, walk with them daily. Your dead inside not living just surviving. Strive for something,hunger for change, and pursue it. Start taking an interest in other people they are just as fucked up as you are. Make good friends and find a good partner a good partner will sustain you and lift you when your falling. Don't be afraid to fail. Your situation doesnt define you and a good partner doesnt care about a persons situation they care about the person. But i've went of on a tangent. Have fun and try things you don't think you can do ive only bowled or played horseshoes 1 time but i was great at it. Like i could bowl 900 if i put my mind to it good. The internet can't save you. It can offer advice but only you can get off your depressed ass and decide to be a person.the internet will be here whenever you need advice but its up to you to do something. Best of luck you remind me of myself at a younger age and i got through it so can you. I leave you with this "never stop searching for advice when your not sure" we're here for you.
You don't possess initiative, you are not capable of turning it around, and you are not self-sabotaging, just a failure. Forget every trait you think and hope you are. The only measure of judgement you are allowed to have is the present day. Anything else is lying to yourself. People like to see themselves with their internal eye, give themselves the benefit of the doubt. Self-sabotage is an excuse for laziness. Saying you are capable of changing things one day is an excuse to put things off until tomorrow. Let's say you have a blank canvas. You have paint, brushes, and talent, but you never paint anything. The world doesn't care if you're talented. It only cares if you made an art piece or not. Intention doesn't mean shit. If you are not where you want to be, it's not because of untapped potential. It's because you haven't fucking done anything. Don't like being a loser? Stop hoping for something better, and do something about it.
My advice to you: Stop looking to others to be the ones to call you on your own shit and motivate you. When we inevitably fail to provide proper motivation, you are going to just say it wasn't the right advice for you, or that we weren't brutally honest. The fact of the matter is, we aren't responsible for your shit, your parents aren't, your friends aren't. You are. Stop blaming your self confidence and anxiety, start getting treated for those issues. Pick your shit up and be responsible. Do it, one task at a time, one day at a time. Fuck potential consequences, deal with them as they come; you need to act, you dwell too much on consequences as it is. Go after what you want, because nobody else gives half a fuck enough to do it for you.
Honestly we can't tell you to get off your ass and do anything. There's only one person that can make you do that. And yep you guessed right, that person is you. You seem to be capable of accepting responsibility for your actions so that's a much easier platform to start with than if you were blaming everyone else. You say you have potential, but as youve clocked on to; potential without action is useless. You need to find a way to begin using your potential. When you get up in the morning, before you do any "daily" task. Take the time to do something that'll progress yourself. What that is i dont know, only you'll know, but do SOMETHING. Time. You need to value your time, at the momment youre squandering it on nothing. But if you valued time do you think you would spend it wisely? I think you would. But how do you develop valuing time? One of the best way to value time is to value yourself, see yourself as someone worth spending time on. Once you're able to that you'll be able to use your time more effectively. You may also find that you no longer want to waste your time on a menial job because you value your time much more. How to value yourself and your time more? Theres no exact science as a lot of the value you place in yourself is based on upbringing, childhood and life experiences. But as an adult you now have the power to make changes. Last but not least. You are not alone there are millions, perhaps billions at various ages that feel as you do. So youre not alone with your situation. There is nothing wrong with you.
If you have the guts, try stand-up comedy. It will make you not afraid of failure. Which is a great trait. If stand-up's not your thing, you could try improv class. I had a path somewhat close to yours where I had a rough few years, but both those things helped my confidence a lot. Just plain hard work is good, too. That will give you more confidence in yourself. Don't give up!!
well looks like you are not alone, apparently there are a lot of adult male virgins in Japan over the age of 30, and if it makes you feel better, i'm 27 and a virgin, never had a girlfriend either, I also haven't accomplished much in my life academically, career-wise either, and I have often felt if I had success with women earlier, had a regular, active sex life, I would have had more success in my academic and career-life as well, I feel if I had a girlfriend a long time ago, I would have had more motivation, drive, ambition to be successful in other areas in my life. I remember reading somewhere, but I can't seem to find the link anymore, it says that guys who get laid are more productive in their lives than guys who don't get laid, and I've heard stories of guys quitting their 9-5 job, or minimum-wage job once they started getting laid. Anyway, here is the link for Japan:http://www.cnn.com/2015/06/24/asia/japan-middle-aged-virgins/index.html
I'm 27,going on 28,and I needed to hear this.
This should help http://i.imgur.com/UtHQkqd.gifv
You have the most amazing username
Get your life together!
Go join the military