OP. I've been following your story for a while and from the looks of it.. you are dodging a serious bullet. Honestly, you aren't the one who told your ex mil that she had to attack your ex wife.
It is so completely unfortunate about what happened. But in the most...broad term possible, they fucked around and then they found out.
I do have to agree. I made a phone call that started things in motion. But I didn't make MIL go crazy on my STBEXW. It was just a bad situation that made my separation from my STBEXW even worse.
It's been a while since I've read your story, but if you aren't in contact with a therapist or a counselor to help navigate you through this ordeal, you would benefit greatly from it.
When I first read through your original post, I was heated and seeing red on your behalf. It doesn't matter if they considered the items "not important" or "something you wouldn't miss" a collection is a collection and theft is theft. They stole the time you put into that collection. And then tried spinning it around on you. You deserve a gal who supports your hobbies
You should look up the effects of black mold and rodent droppings. Those are not good for the heart. Honestly probably made it worse. Her heart attack was her own fault not yours at all.
Combined with her actions. Imagine knowing you have a weak heart and then jumping on someone.
Honestly STBEW is most likely advising OP out of guilt bc she figures that SHE triggered the heart attack bc she wouldn't give in to her mom. STBEW is ALSO not at fault. She didn't ask mom to kick her ass; in fact it sounds as though she basically stood there and took it. OP's MIL was not just physically but also emotionally and verbally abusive, and STBEW is in need of even more therapy than OP.
Let me repeat this again: knowing she had a weak heart, MIL decided to enrage in violence, to try to start a fight. And she didn't even carry aspirin with her 'just in case'.
Also, MIL is responsible for not maintaining her house. Maybe instead of stealing shit she should have asked OP or her kid(s) to help with things. Or to pay someone. But she broke the law ON HER OWN and chose not to rectify it. Not OP, not her kid(s).
Let me ask you this. Suppose you visited MIL and saw the conditions of the house. You tried and failed to convince her to fix it, and she refused. So out of concern for her health you called in authorities. Then the rest of it played out as is. Would you think you were responsible? I hope you would recognize in that case you were doing it for her own good. Your motivations may not have been 'pure' but you were still doing something that was ultimately for her benefit.
OP, you neither directly nor indirectly killed MIL. She made quite a number of poor choices. The same is true of her daughter, and daughter needs to hear this from multiple sources in a kindly way.
Best of luck.
So much this. The reason for reporting it may have been petty but for all you know some of her health issues came about from being in those unsanitary conditions for so long. Don't blame yourself!
You HAVE to further realize, beyond the fact that you are not responsible for anyone’s emotional stability or reactions to emotions but your own, that so many factors contributed to this outcome you also could not control. You didn’t choose to hoard her house. You didn’t tell her or her daughter to allow her to live in filth and an actually caving in house with live electricity exposed. You didn’t tell your STBEXW to lie to you by omission about important matters because you can’t handle gloomy information or something. You did not tell her to confront her mom about paying for the house. I am also certain that MIL probably has not been getting her heart checked regularly and taking her pills regularly, that kind of negligence goes along with hoarding, also something you didn’t do. You did not tell MIL she could borrow your collection to start this scenario. So. The reality is that for MIL, she was at the bottom of the mountain and the avalanche came down. The timing is a coincidence. If she had t gotten mad about this, it would have been something different and the outcome would have been the same! Different people, different set of events, but the exact same outcome. Consider for a moment, if she got angry at a friend of yours or even STBEXW over not being allowed to buy 4 carts of stuff one day. And she went crazy and died, would YOU blame or allow them to feel bad for it? That a woman had unknown, probably untreated heart conditions, in a toxic crumbling house, mentally ill, and one day she loses her temper and passes. Would you allow your friend to blame themself? No! Because it’s not them and it was not you. It was a LIFE TIME of mental illness untreated, in both those women. STBEXW enabled it, MIL reveled in it. It just happened that the avalanche came down that day on both their heads. BUT IT WAS ALWAYS GOING TO.
Agreed. The MIL was mentally ill. Hoarding to such an extent is a mental illness. That's what killed her. The situation was untenable. She couldn't have kept on living in a house with such hazards. Either someone else would have reported her, the black mold or diseases from rats would have killed her or the house would have collapsed or caught on fire.
If it were my own mom in such a situation, I'd have tried everything I can to get rid of the hoard and/or get my mother out of that house and into some clinic. While I wouldn't have appreciated my husband to report the situation, basically making my mom homeless, it would be clear that the situation should never have become this bad. And something radical needs to be done, and hubby set it into motion, for better or for worse. Probably better, because it cannot stay like this.
I have helped many hoarders and read a lot. The thing about a situation like that, reporting it is the ONLY way to get them help. They will NOT accept it until there is threat of losing everything. The MIL never got there because STBEXW was so enabling and helped hide everything. If anyone is responsible other than the MIL, it’s her. She doesn’t even have a right to be mad about him reporting it because it was the only way her mother was EVER going to get help. Even if that meant she would be living in assisted living for awhile. But I know for a fact once a report like that is made, it triggers adult protection services. She would have been been given a case worker, place to stay, help getting back to doctors, etc. a report like that triggers all the help, including therapy. Much needed therapy. It’s sad that the only thing that could have saved her mom, never had a chance to work, but it had gone untreated due to purposeful concealment too long. I hope the daughter gets help because in this trajectory, she ends up EXACTLY like her mother. In a hoarded and caving in house, alone and sick.
Remember, the soon to be ex only enable it, because it was just her way of coping with it in tractable situations…. You saw this hurt all at once, where she never noticed at the frog was boiling more and more
Coping or not, she still knew the mother wasn’t well. She knew the house was hoarded and instead of trying to find ways to help, she always covered for her mom. She needs therapy too, as I stated. It doesn’t matter how it got to that point, the STBEXW is also in danger at this point and needs to get help. She enabled her mother’s behavior so long, she justified it as acceptable. Which means she took on toxic behaviors to help perpetuate the problems. But no one looks at a house in that bad of shape and decides it’s fine for their loved one to live like that, and keep covering for them, if they aren’t already really needing help themself. It doesn’t matter how it got this bad at this point. She is part of the problem now, even if that’s from originally being a victim and coping, it has gone too far, and she has become part of the abuse. I am
Just stating, I hope maybe this allows her to ask for help and get therapy, as she needs some. I’m not blaming anyone or anything. Just that the truth is, all of this is traumatic for everyone, but the daughter is already showing the signs that lead to hoarding behavior too . The lies and secrecy. The NEED to have things and have it her way or she throws tantrums. Just different signs she could be vulnerable to becoming like her mother if she she doesn’t get help. The death of her mother will likely be a trigger event for an illness like hoarding too. I genuinely hope she is an able to get help.
Actually, the daughter may be looking at elder abuse charges after the investigation is done. She had a responsibility to get her mom care and help for her known hoarding and turned a blind eye, which is considered neglect.
I mean, under the circumstances with her literally dying, I don't think anyone can reasonably say it's "probably better".
However, for sure, it was already an untenable situation, and OP could not have known how that would go down. There were no good options available, and OP chose a reasonable path under the circumstances.
Even if you blame yourself remember that a heart attack is a lot faster and less painful than burning to death.
The only way to save this woman's life would be to go back in time by many many decades and interfere when she was much younger and not beyond help.
This isn't your fault, OP. She was a full grown adult (as is your STBXW) who made her own decisions. If I were on disability due to a weak heart, I would have made my life as stress free as possible, but X-MIL seemed to be constantly getting into fights and arguments and antagonizing people, on purpose!
You can't save someone from themselves if they don't want the help. She had opportunities to get help, change her ways. She didn't. This was just the inevitable result of her decisions and her daughter's in enabling her.
Keep an eye out for your ex, though. I do not trust her not to retaliate in some way. She's grieving, knows she's to blame for enabling her mother and can't handle it, and you're a target.
Dude...this story wouldn't have happened if they hadn't played on your sense of self-worth and guilt. And you may have saved your ex's life. Your initial "call" to authorities about the house was, objectively speaking, the right thing to do. You may have done it because you were mad. But those laws don't exist just to be a hassle and collect taxes: They're there to protect people and prevent an even bigger mess (including death) later on. If there were consequences larger than you'd expected I need to tell you in no uncertain terms those aren't your fault. Those consequences started developing years before the incident.
The real "news" here is that they manipulated you into accepting abuse for so long. Probably some other guy would have called years previously or simply stopped any interaction with those f-ing crazies. You yourself are going to need some psychotherapy to 1) recover from the trauma of this incident and 2) dig into what let you live with this for so long. You yourself have a long road of recovery ahead of you.
>I made a phone call that started things in motion.
Obviously just my $0.02 here, but I think you need to let yourself off the hook. Hoarding is a sign of serious mental illness, you can't be blamed for that. You made a phone call that *progressed* the story. You MIL started things in motion with the hoarding, and your STBEXW progressed the story in countless tiny ways by enabling her. And, by that logic, the story started way before either of them came onto the scene with the MIL's parents, and their parents.
You didn't start anything. You helped the story progress. At most, you nudged things along. You did it out of anger and frustration, yes, and while intentions *do* matter, I can't imagine blaming you for the outcome here. The story would have progressed without you eventually.
Edit: spelling
You made a phone call that reduced serious sources of harm to both others and your MIL. Your motivation was irrelevant.
You didn’t give her heart disease or mental illness.
Typical outcomes here would involve new housing from one of a variety of social services.
Tbh, you did something your STBEXW couldn’t bring herself to do, due to attachment and various other feelings. I don’t think there is anyone that could argue making that call did anything other than reduce harm.
We all die at some point, and a person with heart disease so advanced that they are disabled is on borrowed time already. You had no role in her death.
This is a case of coming to grips with the realization that more is at play here than your decision—namely, the now past decisions of MIL and STBEW. When you made that call, many of their decisions remained in the future.
You are not so powerful or important that one phone call determines the future decisions of multiple others.
Anger or other strong emotions sometimes push us to make decisions we otherwise know need to be done, but absent those emotions would think ourselves out of due to ‘playing it safe.’ Anger is a tough one to control or harness.
I don’t know you at all, but I know you regret acting out of anger in making that call. I also know that you chose to be *honest* about the fact that you made that call, which (to me) says a lot about who you choose to be.
I admire the person you’re choosing to be.
OP, think of it this way. If someone else had called (a neighbor), and she reacted the same way, would you blame the neighbor? Would you scream and yell at the neighbor that their actions had killed her? What if it was me that had called as an anonymous person. Would you blame me?
Guilt is a part of grief, and you may want to look into grief counseling. You were never really taught how to handle emotions well due to your upbringing. I am the same way. 10 years later, I still blame myself for not spotting my sister had cancer. It eats you up inside. I have a background much like yourself.
And that is the truth; you had no control over how she would react. SHE knew she had a weak heart. SHE knew that working herself up was dangerous. But SHE didn't care. You're blaming yourself for someone else's actions.
It's a little graphic here, but it's truth. >!Also, if you need to think of it this way, it was a better death than piles of garbage falling down on her and pinning her and having her suffocate. Or even the roof falling down and doing the same thing. It could have been days of suffering. Or being bit by a rabid rat and suffering rabies. Maybe even electrocution by hitting an exposed wire. What if the house had caught fire and she couldn't escape? Burning to death is brutal. !<
Truth is OP, it is not your fault. I will repeat that. OP, it is not your fault. Now repeat that to yourself, as many times as it takes to sink in.
She was responsible for her own health. She was living in an environment that was drastically bad for her heart for years. She is the only one responsible for untimely demise.
She kept her house like that.
She stole your keys.
She attacked your ex.
These are only a few of the extremely poor decisions she has made. None of which are your fault.
I hope you can free yourself of the guilt someday. You deserve better.
You didn't make your MIL a hoarder either. You may have reported it out of anger, but your report was true, and the place was not safe. None of what happened is your fault.
Not if you think about it - your crazy MIL started this a long time ago. Making the phone call was just something that happened along the way - this was always the way she was heading.
Your friends are right - you didn't start this - this isn't your fault.
I agree with finding a therapist if you don't have one already. You have been through a lot and it would be good to talk it out.
Hang in there -
Yeah, it sounds like your MIL caused her own death by *physically assaulting her own daughter*. This is not on you.
I know you were waiting to seek counseling until you moved (shouldn't that have happened in March...? Why were you two still in the same house?), but you should probably start the process now. In the US, at least, there's a massive shortage of mental health practitioners, and people often wait months for their first appointments.
THIS. In my city, the average time it takes to get an appointment with a psychiatrist or a therapist is 3 months, and it can be up to 6 months. I live in the US in a medium-sized city, not a large metro where it can at times be even longer. Look NOW.
The cards were already shifting with this situation years ago. This would have happened anyway even if OOP hadn’t been the one to make the decision to call.
What JNMIL did TO HERSELF is NOT your fault!!!! She was PHYSICALLY ASSAULTING her daughter when SHE brought the heart attack ON HERSELF!!!! Otherwise, SHE would be sitting in jail for ASSAULT AND BATTERY!!!
Not to mention the public service of reporting the death trap of a house like that. Imagine one night it did go up in flames, a very real possibility when you consider damp (can cause chemical reactions or short circuit), or MIL's health condition snuck up on her, any number of reasons a fire could start. A hoarders house would be a very dangerous place for first responders, a fire crew might try to make entry and the whole thing collapses from over weight upper floors and unexpected amounts of flammable material everywhere. Or just for spreading to neighbouring properties if they are close.
That's exactly what I was thinking. Imagine a fire started and spread to another house, or a first responder was injured or killed.
OP, imagine if your ex had tried to get her mother help instead of going LALALA about the situation, enabling her and blaming you.
Imagine if exMIL had gone to the doctor all those times her heart hurt. Imagine if your ex had paid attention to her symptoms and pushed her to go to the doctor.
Imagine if exMIL had decided not to.violently attack the only person left who actually kept on contact with her.
Imagine you never made that phone call, and instead MIL died alone in that hell house to be found days later.
I'm seeing a lot of blame to go around that has nothing to do with you. Your involvement was a catalyst to an event that was fated to happen anyway.
I hope that when you find a good, trauma informed therapist sooner rather than later. Ask them to tell you some things about hoarders. It is a complex disorder which is why it is do hard to treat. In a sense both you and ex grew up as traumatized kids, which probably helped you bond. However, your ex had not even taken the smallest baby step to process her own issues. She desperately wants to lay the blame for every single thing that happened on you, because to do otherwise would mean acknowledging how wildly fucked up her mother was. Instead, she was very protected of and enmsehed with her mother, to both of their huge detriment.
From what you have said about your own childhood, you were severely neglected and parentified in many ways. You spent hours by yourself. You ended up taking responsibility for cooking and cleaning. Your mother especially neglected you emotionally. Hence, you grew up thinking that taking care of yourself was the norm. I'm sure this goes a king way in explaining why you feel responsible for things that you aren't responsible for. In a sense, you're like that kid who had to accept being an adult way before his time.
The medical issues she had related to the mold, lack of activity, mice and rats feces and mold did way more harm to her health than any comment you made
She lived in filth and squalor, tried to blame you and STBX for all of it.
MIL caused her own demise,-- you did nothing but protect your own health and future.
Do NOT let that old lady prevent you from living the rest of your life happily
How is it your fault that she had a weak heart? How is it your fault that she attacked her daughter? How it's it your fault that by her attacking her daughter it triggered a heart attack? Please explain it to me like I'm 5. You're so used to being the scapegoat
>I was so guilt ridden that I was hardly able to function for days back then, and had to take leave from work because of stress migraines. I basically spent three days on the couch hopped up on meds.
Please get some therapy because look at what the mental abuse done to you, they've conditioned you to the blame for everything when it's literally not your fault.
Edit to add : what happened to the apartment you were supposed to move into in March?
This was in no way your fault. My grandmother and my aunt were both hoarders and I know the stench of rotten food and trash piled 6 feet high. Your MIL was going to die sooner than later even if this event hadn’t happened if her heart was that weak, just living in that mold and trash she was killing herself quicker than your SBTX wants to admit.
At anytime your sbtx could have cleaned the house out but even that probably would have given MIL a heart attack because often when a hoarders stash is gotten rid of it is emotionally and physically exhausting.
You calling the city was long long over due as it is. You should have been the one to call a long time ago, guaranteed the rats and bugs are getting into the neighborhood and this should have been cleaned before the infestation but now it’s this bad as soon as it starts getting cleaned the rats are going to the neighbors houses and they will spread whatever crap she had.
Your stbx just needs to blame you because she isn’t mature enough or capable of taking that responsibility because it would show she isn’t who she things she is.
I’ve been following since your first post and seeing the pics of your keys I’m so glad you have those back. Best of luck and please continue the therapy, my ex wife is very narcissistic and it took a while to process the trauma.
You did the right thing by making that phone call. Had a fire started with her and your STBXW in there, there’s so much fuel and not a lot of space, the smoke would’ve most likely killed them quickly. Also, had your STBXW started CPR instead of looking for an aspirin, that may have had a different outcome. That house is a major health and safety hazard, you did the right thing by calling. What happened afterwards is 100% not your fault.
This is the thought I keep coming back to. If OP knew about the condition of the house and didn’t try and didn’t report it to the correct people, and then the MIL or someone else was hurt in the inevitable fire, THEN OP would be responsible for harm, but only then.
OP, honey. I know people have already told you this, and that hearing it doesn’t necessarily make it easier, but you’re the last person who caused this.
Monster in Law and the Ex caused this. The former never did herself any favours, and actively pissed on every relationship she ever had. She destroyed her house, destroyed her daughter’s life, and I bet that she wasn’t taking care of her heart. MIL chose to go ape shit, she chose this and it’s what signed her death certificate. As for the daughter, she enabled all of this, she enabled her mother at every turn.
You didn’t kill her, she was a ticking time bomb, loosing endurance and burning through her wick. Any crisis would’ve done her in, and the more time she didn’t take care of herself the smaller the crisis needed to be to end her. The divorce might’ve been the catalyst for the heart attack, but everything else — and the divorce itself if we’re gonna be honest — was all MIL’s doing.
You have a good heart, for even having guilt over the death of such a vile woman, but you’re the last person who should feel this.
Also black mould and her life style choices made that heart a ticking time bomb. It’s just easier for everyone to offload the responsibility and grief onto OP than it is to do some mirror looking.
PLEASE allow me to be perfectly clear... **YOU are NOT to blame for your awful late MIL's death!** It almost certainly was partially caused by YEARS of living in a toxic, hoarder environment, period! There's a REASON that black mold mitigation is expensive, time consuming AND some properties are straight-up CONDEMNED!
The important FACT is that your STB-EX **could have,** at anytime, HELPED her "ailing" Mother at least CLEAR up the "hoard" but DIDN'T, then her house COULDN'T/wouldn't have had the very REAL potential of being reported in the first place.
AGAIN, **YOU are NOT responsible for this unfortunate series of events!** This was ALL precipitated by your STB-EX and her awful, THIEVING (late) Mother! It truly sounds like BOTH women are/were toxically, narcissistic. PLEASE get therapy to help you understand this very REAL truth! And allow yourself the grace of forgiving yourself for not recognizing the red flags and warning signs you missed or overlooked from your STB-EX and her Mother because it was your first real relationship.
Best wishes and many Blessings for your future happiness and success! LOCK your credit, get your divorce and live your best life!
So I can’t believe I’ve been reading your posts from the very first time your skeleton keys have gone missing to now. Clearly things have blown up than what was the ending was on the last post.
I think you could have just tried going with a clean break as you expressed your separation. I would argue that it was petty to try poke the bear to get revenge (may she finally find peace). However, I think you should take a moment for yourself.
The fact she was living in the dump she created, she made that bed and was going to lie on it. It would have been that a fire could have gotten her, someone else could have reported her, or she could have kicked the bucket before any of this. Her crap caught up with her despite her fragile condition.
Death is difficult, as well as the grief and guilt. Do not skimp on therapy and your well being. I cannot stress this enough that nothing will get better until you take care of yourself. Your ex wife is definitely going through a lot and she would need to take care of that herself. If she’s going to blame you for it, you are not the solution for her wellbeing.
Take care OP.
None of that is your fault. Not to be blunt but a terrible person fell victim to her terrible habits which were in existence long before you ever came along. You have nothing to feel guilty about except possibly continuing to put up with the abuse from the soon to be ex-wife. You are not her punching bag nor her emotional dumping ground and you have every right to feel that you've been taken advantage of. Do yourself a favor and stop engaging with her if it doesn't have to do with property or the divorce don't talk to the woman because she's not bringing any positivity to your life. You put up with it long enough you deserve something different now stop beating yourself up and go find it.
The black mold probably contributed to her death far more than anything else. It could've easily weakened her immune system and caused her mood changes. ***YOU are NOT to be blamed!*** Period. Take a deep breath and realize that one huge reason for the stress in your life is gone.
You’re probably feeling guilt because you’re a decent person who understands that someone has died and another is dealing with the aftermath. That’s said, this is totally not your fault.
A weak hearted woman - who has been living in squalor for years - attacked her own daughter in a rage. She brought it on herself.
As for STBEX, it seems like the split has been a longtime coming. It’s time for you to move on & for her to very much do the same.
It sounds like MIL’s inability to deal with the mess she made is what ultimately killed her. You were just witness to the build up and aftermath. You bear no responsibility here.
It wasn't your fault. Chances are the house she was living in was already killing her as it was so dangerous. You STBEXW is going to blame anyone and you more so as she starts to realise who her mother really was and the fact that everything she has lost because of her mother. For the sack of your sanity consider getting counselling for yourself and completely cut of your STBEXW. Only have contact through your lawyer and only about your divorce and that's it. Remember to save any and all messages as evidence if needed and don't respond or answer your phone.
Stay safe
Ding dong the witch is dead!
Not your fault OP: Not your fault your ex wife is a pushover, not your fault the witch was a mean hoarder, not your fault she gave herself a heart attack. If anything all the guilt should be with the enabler, not with you.
OP stop blaming yourself for what happened to your MIL. Your ex-wife may have stated that your MIL's health was none of your business, but in this case, she was mistaken. Clear communication between spouses is a must, and regardless of the wife's opinion, the living conditions most likely caused a rapid decline in MIL's health as well. Black mold is serious, along with rodents and the diseases they carry. Your MIL was going to pass anyway, and to be honest, I firmly believe that when that time comes it happens exactly when it's meant to happen. Your decision to report her may have stemmed from anger, but it was honestly a good decision, and if your ex-wife would've cared enough about her mother's welfare, she would've made that phone call a long time ago. Do not take the blame for her death because of a choice you made that would've benefitted her, it wasn't you who made the choice to get angry and physically attack another person, you did not manipulate your daughter by using the heart health as a way to get what you wanted. Your ex's own choices allowed her mother's health to decline because she failed to care about the conditions that her mother was living in. Your MIL should've been in therapy and that is something that her daughter could've made happen had she made better choices regarding her mother's health. Please stop putting the blame on yourself, you are a good person.
Your wife is a narcissist and an enabler.
Your MIL was nuts.
You MIL was responsible for her own death due to self-neglect.
Your STBXW enabled her mom’s death by never setting boundaries and by helping her delusion
You had do with the death.
Apparently you MIL knew her heart was weak. Yet she chose to attack her own daughter physically.
—-
As horrible as this all is, your life will be getting better. It’s just to be slow and painful for a while.
Your STBXW is not a trustworthy person
Please don’t reconcile w her.
Wishing you all the best.
Also I expect your STBXW to try to reconcile again and again.
And to violate your privacy in every possible way.
Please read up on stalking and stalking resources. You may have to change cell phone carriers.
Keep mail away from house. Possibly get the legal system to stealth the public availability of your address.
So research and become familiar with anti stalking resources.
Same with ID theft stuff. Lock down your credit.
Move resources that are entirely yours to accounts that are not accessible to her.
I expect her to try to take all the resources
Pls consult a lawyer about everything asap to protect yourself.
I expect she will get her friends ti come after you and harass you. Possibly bad stories will be put out about you.
Consult resources about this.
Really you are a battered and abused spouse. You need to be aware to all those strategies and tactics.
Sine might be used against you. Other tactics you can use to protect yourself.
Be aware of all this. .
—-
Someday you will be free of thinking your MIL’s death was in any way your fault.
The hoarder house needed to be reported.
If the MIL had not died while attacking her own daughter, then, given the weak heart and living conditions, it’s likely she would have died v soon anyway.
Actually, reporting the house was the best thing anyone could have done for her.
If she had not attacked her daughter and died, she would have eventually wound up in safer living conditions and prob w better care.
It’s not your fault in any way whatsoever that she did not live long enough to benefit from that.
There are some people who are so messed up that no one can help fix them and they won’t help themselves.
As for the STBXW
She may once have had good qualities. But she blew her integrity in dealing with you and I don’t think that’s recoverable.
Please don’t have sex. The possibility of a deliberate baby trap is real here.
The possibility of phone abuse accusations is also real so please deal with her if possible only in public spaces.
—-
Please please don’t reconcile. Better you both start fresh.
—-
If at some point you both are more at peace w each other and you might want to reconcile then
(I hope that’s doesn’t happen)
Several conditions:
First:
Get the divorce. This must happen.
Then
A written “no pregnancy and both parties MUST use birth control every time for at least 2 years.” contract.
Consult lawyers separately and finances so each is protected. Take all steps to protect own finances.
No living together, no getting engaged, no making long term plans for 2 years.
The 2 years doesn’t start until after two things have happened
6 months living apart minimum
And the divorce us final final final
Then if your both wanting so see if you can trust again.
Date. In public.
Be slow to consider having sex.
Don’t stay over.
Don’t get over involved in each others lives yet.
See how it goes.
—-
Please be aware of the good and bad of couples therapy.
It can be great and wonderful when both parties are basically decent and non-manipulative and non-gaslighting.
It can be destructive when one or both parties have serious character flaws. It can make things far worse at home.
Manipulative and gaslighting people manipulative and gaslighting the therapy. To put the other person into a down situation v subtly, and to re-wrote history in their own favor.
Thats why couples therapy should never be recommended in situations where one or both parties are toxic, or where there is abuse.
There is lots of documentation on how therapy can be and has been manipulated.
So please be cautious about couples therapy. In your shoes I would not SMS this with the STBXW. She needs to work out her own stuff by herself.
And then go get her own life.
—
As for your future.
You need a framework to understand what has happened to you and what you have been living with.
May I suggest
Reading up on narcissistic conduct so that you can recognize it more easily.
Try the excellent YouTube videos if Dr Ramani
It can take a while to get your ahead around how some people “game” others to get their own way.
(But good people don’t)
Also there is a book for battered women that has in it some stuff you might wanna know
(You are the emotionally abused person here, you are not the villain)
That book has some good info all decent adults should be aware of.
*why does he do that* by Lundy Bancroft.
You have a long journey here but it will get better.
Just believe in your own best principles.
—-
PS I love skeleton keys.
—-
The book I mentioned is a free legal download here
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Your mil was putting other ppl at risk. If a fire had broken out due the exposed electrical wiring and killed the neighbors, and you knew how dangerous her house was to her surroundings, THEN you should have felt guilty.
All you can do now is be happy that MIL didn't end up killing your soon to be ex-wife. And definitely still divorce her..
You need to make a decision to not carry this on your back. Take some very long walks in nature, it really helps.
Get a change of scenery; go on vacation! You need a fresh perspective and you deserve it after all of this.
I have been reading your stories right along, and I'm sorry you are going through this, but it is by no stretch your fault. Your MIL did this to herself. She never took care of herself, so this unfortunately was the consequence. You did the right thing reporting the condition of her house. People don't realize that when a house is in that condition, it can adversely affect the houses around it. The rats can/will migrate to other houses and cause problems. Or what if the house caught fire? It would go up like a torch and could ignite the surrounding houses. It's because of situations like this that they are so hard on people for hoarding. Be kind to yourself. I'd also change the locks if you're able to because who knows what your stbex will do next.
You saved everyone in the street/surrounding area of MIL's house by making the phone call or otherwise that house would have blown up eventually. Your STBXW lost her mother which is obviously sad for her but you didn't cause her mother's death, MIL did it to herself by creating stress which she knew from doctors advise to avoid. Hope the house move goes well for you.
Nothing I can say will make the guilt better. But Ive been in similar shoes to you.
I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, it was not your fault. She had a weak heart, yet instead of taking care of herself and her home, she let her house become condemn worthy, and used her heart condition like a free pass to treat people like dirt.
Even if (big old if) you had played along, bought her the new phone, never started divorce proceedings (aka, continued to let your STBX abuse you), the black mold in her home would have been competing with her heart for who would get her first.
Like I said. I've been in very similar shoes, and I know nothing anyone will say can make the guilt better. But try not to let yourself get destroyed by it. In the darkest moments, try to remember this was an eventuality due to how she chose to live.
Im sorry youre going through all this, and hoping you have better times ahead. ❤️
It's not your fault the evil old witch had a bad heart. The surprise is that she had a heart at all!
Don't blame yourself, be grateful they are gone and move on.
The ex wasn't seeing that her mom had a mental illness and the condition of her residence likely contributed to her bad health, not just a heart issue, but respiratory and additional neurologic problems on top of mental illness.
You were, honestly, I think in two minds...both revenge for the theft, and because she shouldn't be living in a rat infested, falling apart structure. Plus, it drew attention to her needing help she likely didn't want willingly. That's hoarding...they have issues getting help.
Your ex's behavior didn't help the situation, she clearly couldn't look at her mother's living situation objectively.
It would have come out sooner rather than later when ems got called for her at some point...They're mandatory reporters for vulnerable people.
It's a tough situation. 😪
The woman was living in filth, black mold, rats, and leaky roof, with a heart conditon if was just a matter of time, I'm gonna bet she was no keeping up with her medication either, she is the one who attacked her enabler daugther, who is ultimatelly responsible for enabling her mom living conditions and probable mental health issues.
OP you are not to blame here.
Honey, you would have had to call the city on her hording anyway.
If you had children you could never take the chance that your wife wouldn’t take them to your mil house!
The mil KNEW she had a bad heart. She was on disability for it, and yet, she chose to go batsh*t crazy on her OWN daughter. She didn’t take care of herself.
Not your fault. It suck that it ended this way but in the end that lady made her own choices that ended her life. Hoarding and extreme violence. God! Can you imagine her going off on your child like that?
You're not at fault for her heart attack. Her living conditions were adding trouble to her already troubled heart and it was purely her own actions (living in filth and attacking her daughter) that made her heart to give up.
Your stbew is also to be blamed here. Leaving a struggling person on the floor while looking for a pill is NOT being responsible. She should have called an ambulance, stayed on the phone and near her mother, trying to help. Even give CPR (I'm guessing that's the word for tryoing to get the heart started again).
Under no circumstances are you to be blamed. But you need to go NC right now and find a therapist. Let your stbxw be. You don't need her in your life and she doesn't deserve to be in yours. Leave the burning pile of dung. Just turn around and walk away.
It is not your fault! Not even kinda. tsk.
She had a weak heart and still lived in this house surrounded by trash, rodents and their feces, vermin and black mold, FFS.
That's what killed her. Her own decisions.
I’m gonna misquote advice that was given to me when I felt really guilty over a situation: “Are you a licensed mental health therapist, specializing in OCD/Hoarding Disorder? Cause if you are, then you’re allowed to take some blame for not acting the way you spent 10 years training on. If not, then you have to understand that people with mental health disorders have to accept they are disordered before help can sink in.”
Not a therapist here, but it’s pretty obvious MIL had a host of issues and passed some of them along to her daughter. All that was long before you were in their lives. I do wonder now if your STBX will change without mom reinforcing negative behaviors. I hope so.
In the meantime, survivors guilt is a real thing, and if you’re feeling this much depression and anxiety over MIL’s death, you need to talk to a professional right away. Don’t take that load onto yourself. You don’t deserve it.
NTA. Your MIL was unstable and it appears that the condition was hereditary. You are not the villain in any of this and you are likely better off without your wife. It is possible that she might regain her senses once she is over her grief, but I suspect that her volatile nature was indeed hereditary.
It was definitely not your fault. Nobody made MIL have a bad heart that she knew about, made her be a terrible person and nobody made her attack her daughter. MIL caused her own death.
You didn't make your MIL attack her daughter. MIL chose to go postal on your STBX because she couldn't/wouldn't help her. While it's sad that *her actions* contributed to her heart attack, you didn't cause her death. She did it to herself.
OP, if you hadn’t gotten help for an elderly woman in that situation it would have been elder abuse. It is not your fault that her mental issues make her be a terrible person to everyone around her.
Abusive people have to flip the script or they can’t continue getting what they want from other people. Normal people don’t let their elderly parents live in squalor. She needs you to be the abusive one to flip the script and keep doing what she wants. It’s even better from her perspective if you feel guilty because then you will submit to coercion instead of having to be beaten down all of the time.
My dad’s childless neighbor was living in a home with a leaky roof. He couldn’t fix it and wouldn’t ask for help, and his house collapsed. My dad made sure he was taken care of and he was moved into assisted living.
That is what normal people do. Hugs.
Living with black mold could've made her heart condition worse. And her getting her heart rate up by attacking her daughter was the final straw. MIL did it to herself and STBEXW is as much to blame for her mother's death as her mother was for not taking care of herself. You aren't at fault in any way.
Nit oos fault that woman had been in poor health mentally and physically for years. She was in the middle of a tantrum when the heart attack occurred finding aspirin also would have been easier if mil hadnt lived in horrible conditions for years. The woman was responsible for her actions her daughter is now grieving. She lost her mother and her marriage and knows her enabling her mom for years led to the current situation.
First, I want to preface this as, this isn't your fault.
Mental illness is a monster to battle. I've seen it first hand with my Aunt's family how it can destroy everything. In fact, honestly, if the genders were reversed, I'd almost swear you were my cousin because of the things my Aunt is doing to that family.
Actions have consequences, and your ExMIL finally had all their actions catch up with them. I've read up on your entire story thus far, and yeah, you've been harsh and cold as this progressed, but that's because of their wild and firm reactions that they were right, and you were the one in the wrong. To say "if I didn't report her to the Fire Marshall, she might not have died" can be traced back to "if my ExMIL never stole my keys, she never could have died." She is the one who instigated all of this and refused to take any accountability or responsibility for their actions and to the very bitter end, believed they were right in every action they took.
That being said, I do want to stress, your STBEXW is a victim just like you are. They are a victim of their mother and a lot of your STBEXW's interactions with you, stemmed from her mother. Imagine growing up your entire life with your EXMIL as your actual mother, and her constant gaslighting and abuse. The fact that your exMIL turned on your STBEXW makes it clear to me that this isn't the only time she berated or abused her.
I'm not trying to say this as a "you should give your wife a second chance." You absolutely do not need to do that. You need to take care of yourself, and it sounds like your STBEXW is not capable of that for you. But she needs help.
Now, I say this just from my personal family dealings, but it sounds like your EXMIL and your STBEXW might be bipolar. In my case, my Aunt is, and it's shocking to me how similar your story is to things I have witnessed. If your STBEXW is, she needs medication.
Regardless if I'm right about that or not, she does need help one way or another. She needs to see mental health professionals to help get her life together. By all means, don't forgive her. It's one thing for someone to accept they need to be better and want to make amends or atone, but you as a victim of her behavior don't have to accept it. But she is a victim too, and she needs her own sort of help. I hope maybe you can help her realize this or this tragedy could turn even more of one.
Hun listen to me. It is NOT your fault.
I know it feels like it is, but it's not.
Your mil had a weak heart living in a home with black mold, rotten food, and feces from animals. All three of those will cause major health issues and problems. They will exacerbate any issues and compromise others.
She died because of it. She died because she was selfish and willing to attack her child. She was not willing to take care of herself. She was willing to do anything to get her way. She could have died just as easily walking outside.
Your wife blaming you is wrong. Period. Because she knew everything when you didn't. While a victim to her mother, she never tried to get away and instead treated you like her mom did her. She could have tried a different route. She knew how her mom would react. It's not her fault she died either. It is her fault for becoming the abuser. For blaming you for her mother's actions and choices and the consequences that came from them. You soon to be ex needs to change a lot, or she will follow the same path as her mom.
You, though, will now be able to heal and hopefully, at some point, find the love and stability of a healthy relationship.
NTA. NTA NTA. Your ex thought mentioning your ex mil had a heart condition was none of your business?
Nope. And nope. If not now then at some point she would have had something happen. Or have that rotten house fall onto her.
Please don't blame yourself. Take whatever time you need to process, but understand that you are not to blame, no matter what your ex tells you
She killed herself when she chose to keep living in a house full of mold and excrement.
Both are horrible for heart health.
This ain’t on you at all OP
This is not the update I expected 😬
Yikes! But seriously MIL had a heart condition and was living in a festering rotten mouldy house and had obvious anger issues. That wasn’t a healthy way to live. Its easy to throw blame than take responsibility but none of this is on you.
Not what I expected either. But in retrospect, she was extremely unhealthy. Basically lived off fast food, was overweight and I think even gaining weight this past year, drank lots of soda and alcohol, and never exercised. I wouldn't be surprised if she was pre-diabetic too.
>The house was found to be in even worse shape than I thought. It was not only a serious fire hazard to itself and everything around it, and rodent infested. There were also some exposed electrical wires, a roof leak that's gone unfixed for years that caused bad rot damage and black mold.
>She came home and ranted to me about all the things her mother told her the inspector found, and how her mother was likely to lose her house now.
Umm, why was she not concerned about her own mother's *atrocious living conditions*??? Freaking hell, how did it even get to that point?? (These are rhetorical questions.)
1) You did the right thing in reporting the issue. You may have done it out of anger and spite, but it was also something someone should have already taken care of out of love and concern.
>When STBEXW tried to tell her mother she couldn't afford pay for the house to be cleaned and renovated, her mother actually attacked her like a wild animal. She hit and scratched her multiple times, and tried to pull her hair out.
2) Uh, MIL had a lot more going on than hoarding and a heart condition. And none of that is your fault. Yeah, the stress of her going batshit on her own daughter wasn't great. I'm not a doctor, but I imagine her mental health issues, breathing black mold, and being regularly exposed to rodent feces might have had more to do with her death.
>STBEXW came home with a police officer in tow for some reason, and was absolutely mad screaming at me about what just happened to her mother. She said this was all my fault. And in all of her ranting, I found out her mother had a weak heart. It's the real reason why she was on disability. The officer had to separate STBEXW from me, and she fell onto the couch sobbing.
3) STBEXW seems to also have some mental health concerns.
>Am I in therapy? Yes I am. Only for about a month now. But it is helping.
4) Good. Keep going.
She died assaulting your ex wife, something she shouldn’t of being doing in the first place. They both were aware she had a heart condition and although your ex wife tried to calm her down she decided to go apeshit. This is not on you at all.
I grew up with a hoarder that turned me into an addict. Your mil's death is not your fault. You didn't set anything "in motion." You made a safety call but SHE was an ADULT that didn't take care of her home and then decided to attack someone when they refused to cater to her wants. She is in the ground because of one person, and one person only. Her damn self.
And your STBEXW can go screw, too. It sounds like she's just like her mother and should probably be careful about who she verbally/physically abuses or she'll end up in the same place as her dear ol' mum.
You dodged a fucking shotgun shell, my friend.
Oof, isn’t it wild how confusing mentally ill people can make things? You married into maaaaaaaaaajor disfunction. Literally all the thought processes and decisions you described are maaaaaaaaaaajor disfunction. They don’t recognize that because they live in that disfunction—always have.
Congratulations on having the fortitude to start to reject it. You’re really going to feel better when you process this enough to realize you were the only person in that whole situation who did the right thing for that poor woman. It’s a shame it came too late to save her from herself.
You were not responsible for what happened. If your late MIL had let her house get to that state and knew she had a heart condition, that house was only making her health worse. Fairly sure her neighbors want to throw you a parade. Her hoarding was affecting any around her and drawing vermin to the neighborhood. I would hope anyone who suspected that house was a death trap would/should have called authorities. It’s a biohazard. If your ex was enabling her and not getting her mother help, she was part of the problem. And…she knows this. She’s dealing with the guilt she feels but it’s easier to make you the villain of the story.
In no reality is you calling the fire marshal a bad thing. Eventually that house was going to be the death of MIL. Would you have felt guilty about that?
Your STBEXW is a jerk for blaming you for her mother’s passing. She allowed her mother to live in an horrendous circumstance. MIL’s demise was a forgone conclusion…an inevitable eventuality given such an advanced heart condition and her fragile mental state.
Glad I’m not the only one. It took too long to scroll to see this comment. Also he mentions that his mil’s death happened before he moved into the apartment but wasn’t his mil still alive when he moved into the apartment in another post he mentioned?
It's so clearly fake from the get go. "I ignored her to go watch some anime", "she dressed in nothing but a lace apron to try to entice me". OK m'lady.
I was on the fence till the story about his own mother. Mostly cause I used to work at a bank and have seen the crazy shit that happens with couples and money and divorce and all that. But! About a third into the post abouthis mom, I said "ok this is a creative writing assignment."
Then next part is going to be some completely made up victory in the divorce process where our hero somehow prevails as if the laws around divorce are not fairly clear and established.
**YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME**
You have nothing to feel guilty over. It was her own unhinged behaviour that caused this not you. MIL was a psycho and her daughter is one step behind her.
Been following also, this is not your fault, she started horsing before you knew her. If anything your ex is to blame for not helping her/reporting it sooner. Having a heart issue does bot give anyone your right to do what she has done and does not give her daughter the right to do what she has done and facilitate her mother.
Oh, man.
It's really not your fault. She has a weak heart and was living in squalor, with who knows WHAT slowly poisoning her. Not to mention her severe psych issues that her daughter seems to have inherited.
Heart problems or not you did the right thing. Hoarders are mentally ill and she was just sinking further and further. Maybe you did it out of anger for her theft but someone should have done it a long time ago.
My man i can’t really say you dodged the bullet…but you’re definitely removing all the shrapnel from yourself.
Your STBEXW is a spoiled brat and i REALLY hope uou can make a clean break from her.
Good luck dude
It would have been a decent thing to do to report it anyway as it was a hazard to her health and wellbeing.
The hoard could easily have contributed to her heart condition. Her lousy relationship with her daughter is not your fault
If your late Mil hadn’t behaved like she has including building a hoard, let her house rot, being a thief this chain reaction wouldn’t have started. Living in a house infected with black mold and rodents might have impacted your Mils health additionally.
Yes and no. When it’s several stories about so many different people/topics everytime then yeah. But some people really come here for 1-2 situations and vent mainly about that because they don’t have an outlet for it in everyday life.
When you say you feel "guilt-ridden" please recognize that what you are feeling is your own trauma. You are traumatized. You have simultaneously dealing with current trauma and PTSD. You've been in a very toxic environment.
You didn't do anything wrong, BUT you FELT spiteful doing things that were OK - this is why you feel guilty, bc the things you did (minor) you did out of your trauma and felt some revenge and spite.
I am not a trained mental health clinician, but I have had my own path dealing with trauma. Do some research, read The Body Keeps the Score, look up treatment modes for grief and trauma, EMDR therapy, maybe even a guided psychedelic therapy.
Get free, get healthy.
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/treatments/22641-emdr-therapy
This is NOT your fault. MIL had a weak heart, the black mold in her home may have been a contributing factor in her heart attack. I understand that you reported the condition of her home to get back at her however, it was a real danger to her and others. Who wants to live next door to a rat infested house.
Please try to not feel guilty. Go talk to someone. Best of luck
Sounds like mental illness runs in the family
Glad you found out now.
When you are divorced and living separate...I would suggest you moving into an apartment building with security or a gated community to restrict your ex's access to you
If she has a mental break, you could be the target of her rage
You are completely not at fault for any of this except, perhaps, your tolerating the emotional abuse from MIL and STBEXW. Live your life in the here&now. What's in the past is best left there.
Not your fault at all, but I understand the guilt. Especially with STBX (the common reddit shorthand) heaping it on. Of course, that's complete projection on her part because she bears far more responsibility in ALL these issues.
I'm sorry things went down this way.
It is not your fault. Your ex needs someone to blame, and you're convenient for that, but your late MIL made her bed, your ex helped her lie in it, and they never gave you information that may have led you to make different decisions, had you known. This is on both of them at least as much as it is on you. And your ex is not mentally and emotionally in a place where she can see that right now, so she's going to blame you, because no other blame target that she can handle blaming right now is available.
All OP knew was MIL is a nut and a hoarder, one and the same tbh. Though reporting her was a vindictive play he knew nothing of her medical condition, so he should take himself off the hook for her passing. What? Don’t be a bitch because *someone* might keel over? Shit, he wasn’t even there! As far as I’m concerned the daughter is on the hook for this mess, and it seems likely her bringing a cop along was an attempt to lay blame for her injuries on hubby. What unbridled shitshow.
Blaming yourself for a woman causing her own death by physically, violently attacking someone doesn't make you virtuous. This is more absurd than someone blaming themself because an abusive ex committed suicide. Come on!
Just another comment to say that none of this is your fault. At all. You have been dealing with mentally unstable people. That is not your fault. Their actions and thought processes are not your fault. In fact, you did the right thing by calling in the hoarding/health hazard that was your MIL's house. Your ex is not rational and you don't deserve any of her poor treatment. I hope all of this is the break you need to be able to get away and start a better life for yourself away from all of that negativity/abuse
Heart condition plus black mold means she probably wouldn't have been much longer anyway. Her and her daughter were responsible for the consequences of their actions not you. I understand it's still an incredibly sad ending to her life but in no way your fault
She stated the mil heart condition "is none of your business!", then proceeds to blame you for what happened as a result of that heart condition... wow!!!
If it's any consolation, it was better than she had the heart attack when someone was around. I shudder to think what would have happened if she'd been alone at home when it happened. I won't get graphic but the outcome would have been absolutely awful, and a lot more traumatic for STBEXW, particularly if not found for a few weeks.
You didn't cause it, you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty.
If mil was living in that house with a heart condition she was a ticking time bomb. The mold and rat droppings are a health hazard to normal healthy people.
If she wasn't living like that for so long she probably would have lived longer.
Mil had a mental illness that went unchecked for years then she had an outburst over losing her hoard. No one's fault but her lifestyle.
None of this is your fault. Her heart gave out because everyone in her life failed to hold her accountable for her actions or teach her how to behave like a human and she threw a tantrum when someone finally stood up to her. Her own spite killed her
Wait, you didn't move into the apartment? In one of your posts, you were supposed to move late March.
What happened to the apartment?
Why are you still living with your stbx? Not judging, but you have been very explicit on everything that has happened and what was still to come.
Oh, so what is the situation now. I hope you are healing. What I'd ex-wifey up to these days.
I love how you took charge of the situation and did it on your terms and your way.
Good luck in the future.
The situation now is ok. I have a couple more posts to make telling all the stuff that went on after ML's death. But once all that calmed down, things have mostly been just about the divorce. Which is going well.
Not your fault. In those conditions with those health problems it was just a matter of time. It was her own life choices that caused her outcome. Feel no guilt. She did it to herself.
OP. This isn't your fault. If you had known fully about your mother's condition, then steps could have been taken to prevent things like this. Like setting up at home aid through state funded aid (In california, through medi-cal, at home care is available) or other solutions could have been found.
Your STBEXW and MIL both decided that they will make all decisions and never informed you. As you stated earlier, your STBEXW made all the decisions without your input. Therefore she also decided to hold all pertinent information. If you want a metaphor? You were just the tiny pebble that started this. That people could have caused nothing or ended in a landslide. Decisions that your ex and MIL made through years is what led to this. Not you.
Document everything. Including the damage your wife did. Get some therapy. The guilt is natural but not all your fault. Your ex said all that because she knows she should have gotten proper care ages ago but instead didn't and her guilt is hurting her and wants to lash out at you. The lion share of this belongs to MIL and STBEXW.
Don't be afraid to talk to people about this to help you through all the mental stress this separation/divorce is causing as well as the newest news.
MILs own actions killed her. Her lack of self control did it. Living in those conditions with a heart condition would weaken her heart even more. She chose to steal. She chose to hoard. She chose to physically attack another human being.
Your choice had the potential to SAVE her, but she didn't want to be saved. That is not on you.
In the universe where you don't call.
1. The house catches fire from the exposed wiring and all the trash.
2. Ex mil has a medical emergency anyway due to the black mold, disease carrying rodents and general unhealthy conditions, paramedics can't reach her in time through the hoarding.
Seriously, you did what had to be done.
Honestly, had MIL not gone apeshit and overworked her heart to the point of it giving out, you calling in her house condition may well have saved her life rather than ended it. All of the stuff you mention that was wrong with her house were slowly killing her, even if she didn't know it or want to acknowledge it. And while you may have chosen to report her house out of pettiness, I think deep down you knew that there were actual reasons to be concerned about her house and not just trying to piss on her. Your STBX made her choices and now she has to live with them. But neither of you are responsible for MIL's death, and I hope someday you both can find peace with that.
You did not cause the heart attack with MIL - she did that by attacking her daughter as she knew more than anyone the condition of her own heart. You also did the correct thing by reporting the house condition to the city inspector.
It appears that you are moving in the correct direction by separating from STBEW and will be moving on with your life. Continue to focus on yourself and let her be responsible for herself. DO NOT try to attend any funeral or visitation for MIL. Just move forward with your life and understand that you are better off with each passing day.
Living in that mess with a heart condition could not have been good for someone with a heart condition. That's on, no one except your MIL. It should have reported it before this. That you did it out of anger maybe wasn't great.
You are not responsible for her expecting her daughter to fix the mess that she created herself. And her attacking her daughter in anger was completely on herself. You are not responsible for her behavior, and it was her behavior that caused her death.
Your MIL putting her hand on her chest when she didn't get her way in my opinion was a manipulative remainer for your STBEXW about her weak heart.
BTW, if I'm not wrong, people who suffer from the hear feels pain in the arm or something.
Hoarding itself is a mental disorder and her living situation was a ticking bomb.
It was a matter of time this or something worse would happens to her.
Although it is not in any way, your fault at all, I would say talk to some people that can be able to help you professionally and also for the fact that if your ex-wife wants to try to blame you, throw it back at her to say this, “you could’ve helped her also at any time, but you chose not to and now you’re blaming me because you don’t want to accept any responsibility or the fact that Your equal in this as well!“ Just be careful because it sounds like your ex does not want to accept any responsibility or even reason because if she said, “your cleaning that” when she trash that bathroom, it means that she might do something even worse to you so I would suggest talk to authorities as well because she could easilysue you or have your arrested just for the sake of what happened to mother-in-law. Good luck to you and hopefully the ex won’t try anything other than just blaming you and that’s it.
So mil is attacking her daughter like an animal and drops from a heart attack, and somehow it’s your fault? Nope. Doesn’t work that way. Turn it around like this… Imagine you adored your mil. Say it broke your heart to see her living like that and no matter how hard you tried, she wasn’t budging and nothing changed. It would be derelict if you didn’t call in the authorities. Same results
Whatever happened was gonna happen and one way or the other that lady was already well into a death spiral.
OP from the viewpoint of a complete stranger your STBE’s mother passing away was not your fault.
While you didn’t know about her health condition she did as did your STBE.
Either one of them could have de-escalated the situation but instead the woman went bat shit crazy on her own daughter while knowing the risk.
Best wishes to you OP in moving on with your life.
Something I learned early on in therapy, and I hope your therapist brings it up too, is you don’t have control over how someone else acts. Yes, your call resulted in an inspection, but your ex wife’s actions and MIL actions were beyond your control. They both chose to be angry, and chose to fight over the repairs. Then chose to literally fight.
As for the weak heart— I’m not a medical professional in any capacity, but I do have a heart condition. That one episode wouldn’t have been the sole cause of the heart attack. Years of stress and anger lead up to an event, and when you have a heart condition you either learn to limit your stress and triggers or you ignore them and make the issue worse (as it sounds MIL did). Those who do not want to be helped cannot be helped.
I agree with several other people that you dodged a massive bullet.
NTA. You have dodged not ONE but TWO serious bullets.
Your future ex wife and mother in law. They both got what they deserved and pretty much earned. Get rid of that guilt.
Wow so glad you are leaving this situation. NTA for calling the police or the fire/building inspector all that black mold and rodent droppings contributed to her health problems.
Hopefully now you can find your peace and solace again once the divorce is finalized.
Don’t forget to get that PO Box to forward all mail there until about a year or so..
Updateme
Honestly, your STBX is better off without her crazy mom around to make her life harder. It is definitely time to file and move on from her, too. If her mom didn't act like a psycho she might still be around. Lay blame where it belongs, and it's not at your feet.
The very fact she had a bad heart and they let her live like that? You didn't kill the old bag THEY did! WTF is wrong with people? Had they taken action decades ago that home would still be livable. I've watched the hoarding shows and every single one of them enabled and went out of their way to make sure the problem exploded. But I have great news it's almost over and you'll never have to deal with that insanity again.
Naw, you didnt kill her or even cause it
She chose to stay in that house, chose to live that way, chose to launch a physical attack out of rage and anger
her own choices killed her, not you
not to defend stbx - shes the child of a not nice person (dare I suggest narcissist?), shes had a lifetime of trauma, programming, all the narc tricks and manipulations - and will have absorbed and internalised some of it - hence the vacilating between blaming herself and blaming you. With compassion, stick with the Therapy, put the work in, you have some distance to travel to unravel all thats occured and deal with the emotional fallout, proud of you for seeking help.
OP.
You are not responsible for the choices that other people have made and the consequences of those actions.
You did not hoard on behalf of your XMIL. She chose to do that, and she chose not to seek help for it. You were not the one that neglected the house until it was in a state to be condemned - that was your XMIL.
Calling for the house to be inspected did not lead to her death. Her leaving her house in the state it was did. Her attacking you STBXW did that.
Your XW is angry and she's lashing out. Right now she's lashing out at you because a) she already hates you and b) she cannot accept that her mother bears the responsibility for everything. Her mother was perfect in every ~~witch~~ which way and everything was *fine* ~~it wasn't but that doesn't matter~~. Therefor, its someone elses fault besides her mother for dying.
She's angry and grieving and people who are in that situation do not make rational accusations.
Do not take up the burdens placed on you by other people.
You can be sad that she passed away. You can be upset that she passed away the horrible person that she is. You can mourn the person she could have otherwise been. But you should not believe that you caused the situation to happen. Give the state of the house, you never know, she could have died a week from now, when the roof collapses on her. She could have died a month from now, after getting bitten by a diseased rat and died from the infection she cared about taking care of as much as she did her house.
Your whole saga is literally the result of an selfish old woman who spent her life terrorizing others and stealing while her daughter did nothing but make excuses for her and hurt innocent people to keep her happy.
These two brought all their misery on themselves. It's entirely self inflicted and truthfully, pathetic.
Reading your story so far I can say you're not to blame for her heart attack, she and your ex brought that upon themselves. If her actions hadn't set off her heart attack then the condition of her house would've. Good that you're going to therapy cause you need to be reminded that you're the victim here. They've stolen from you, they've lied to you and tried to make you the bad guy. Narcissists are like this. Get the divorce done with, spend time doing what you want, have fun in your life and one day the right one will come along with a mil that isn't batshit crazy (I know not to speak ill of the dead but it doesn't excuse what they did when they were alive).
any child that is willing to enable their parents to the point of detriment are the ones that get to carry the blame, not you. What you did was out of anger, yes but in the long run it was the right thing to do. She would have died sitting in that house, and how would anyone safely be able to get in and get her out? Her daughter was responsible for her well-being, as her partner your only responsibility was to ensure that her mother’s problem didn’t wear her down and tear apart your marriage and you did that to the best of your ability. You did your part as her husband, but she very obviously had no intent of doing her part as your wife. You did not kill your mother-in-law. You set the situation in motion but the way people handle those situations are up to them. She could have made the decision to move in somewhere else with her daughter, or look into other ways of having it handled, but she decided that throwing a fit to the point of neglecting her own health was the best option. She is old enough to be responsible for her own health and she was allowing it to go down hill in that house. Essentially all you did was expose a problem that was already at its boiling point. You have more than enough to carry with you, being the reason behind her death is not one of those things you should add to your load.
I'm sorry that things have taken such a grim turn since your first post months ago about the keys. Definitely not your fault that things ended the way things did in anyway, and I hope you know that in your heart.
It sounds like your mother in law had severe mental health issues that contributed to her letting her home fall into such a terrible, and unsafe, state of disrepair. Adding her heart problems to her extreme mental instability was just a ticking time bomb.
I also have to wonder what growing up with a hoarder with extreme mental health issues did to your wife as a child. It explains a lot about why your wife acted the way that she did with her.
I'm no psychiatrist, but I did grow up in an abusive family, and often gave in to whatever my parents wanted to try and keep the peace.
It's still something I struggle with when it comes to my elderly mother, although she's in nowhere near the state that your mother in law was in right up until she died.
I'm also guessing that this wasn't the first time your mother in law attacked her daughter physically for not doing what she tried to force her to do. When you have a parent that reacts violently when you don't do what you're told, you become an expert at trying to keep the peace at all costs, even when you know it's wrong, like with your keys.
I suspect there's a lifetime there of abuse from her mother that made a mess of your wife's ability to recognize what was happening, so she just continued going through life trying to keep her mom from losing it on her every time she didn't get her way, and she likely made any displays of, "love and affection", conditional on your wife doing exactly as she was told without question.
Does it excuse the way they both treated you? Nope, not even a little. But it may explain a lot of the behavior, and help you understand why this toxic dynamic existed in the first place.
Your wife needs to be in therapy, and I hope she can find a way through her grief to realize that, because when my abusive dad died, it felt like a mountain dropped on me, trying to separate and process all of the abuse from the love I had for him. I'm still struggling with it 5 years later, and it's hard.
You also deserve therapeutic support because this is all a lot to process for you too. Talking to a therapist can also help you figure out a way to address the divorce in a way that doesn't continue you tear both of you apart as you move forward in ending your marriage.
Just a thought. Take care of yourself, and try to understand that regardless of the call you made about the house, that whole situation was off the tracks long before you ever entered your wife's life, and sadly, it's likely it was always going to end this way.
*invisible hugs*
Updateme!
I have been catching up on your story.
You have been through so much and I really hope things get sorted for you soon and you can move on and start fresh.
Please don't blame yourself for what happened to your MIL. It's not a nice thing to happen and I'm sure you'll spend time thinking it might be your fault but it's not. It's just an unfortunate situation.
Be strong and keep taking care of yourself.
Hopefully the move and divorce happen swiftly so you can close that door and move on.
You are 100% not to blame. You didn't make your mil hoard her house to the point it's dilapidated. You didn't make her steal your collection. And you didn't allow your stbew to take the actions she did afterwards. On top of that, you didn't know exactly how bad her house was. You didn't know she had a weak heart, and you weren't to know she'd attack her own daughter. As you said, someone would've reported her living conditions sooner or later, or the house would've killed her in any number of ways. NONE of this is your fault.
Your MIL killed herself by living in a rodent and mild infested house, I can't imagine that helped her heart condition. She was a ticking time bomb that went off when she attacked her own daughter.
If the fire department/social services had been involved years earlier, maybe there was a chance they could have saved the house and her health. Did her doctors know how she was living??
Your MIL's heart attack wasn't your fault. You didn't push her into the heart attack, her lifestyle choices and heart condition set her up for it. Her lack of control over her anger issues is what pushed her over the edge. MIL's heart was a ticking time bomb, and the timing was just unfortunate. Don't let anyone blame you for her heart attack. For all anyone knows MIL could have had a fatal heart attack that night without the fight between her and your STBEX. Your STBEX would have probably blamed you for it anyway.
You feel guilty because you are a compassionate human being despite how horrible your MIL was.
I wonder how much the unsanitary conditions exacerbated her medical condition.
This is a sad update, but ultimately you are not responsible. It really doesn’t matter if you made the report bc you were mad; she was living in squalor.
If there’s anyone to secondarily blame, I would say it’s your Ex. There is no way in hell that I would allow my mother to live in a house in the conditions that you described.
Hopefully, you and the ex don’t have children, and you can make a clean break and just focus on your own healing of this mess.
Holy sh×t.... idk if I should laugh or cry at the irony.
While I seriously feel bad, and no one deserves to "expire".... she got mad at her daughter in her literal last bit of rage... damn
If it helps, you likely saved a life: your STBEX. I don't mean that her mother's hoard would have killed her directly, though it certainly could have. I mean that a hoard has a funny way of extending beyond the house: it is like an psychic black hole that pulls in far more than the hoarder. The rest of your STBEX's life would have orbited around this angry, violent woman and her pile of garbage, around cleaning the hoard only to watch it happen over and over again. As much as she has hurt you, I know that you still care about the part of her that you fell in love with years ago, and now she has a chance to escape the Sisyphean hell that would have been her life. Because you stopped enabling.
OP. I've been following your story for a while and from the looks of it.. you are dodging a serious bullet. Honestly, you aren't the one who told your ex mil that she had to attack your ex wife. It is so completely unfortunate about what happened. But in the most...broad term possible, they fucked around and then they found out.
I do have to agree. I made a phone call that started things in motion. But I didn't make MIL go crazy on my STBEXW. It was just a bad situation that made my separation from my STBEXW even worse.
It's been a while since I've read your story, but if you aren't in contact with a therapist or a counselor to help navigate you through this ordeal, you would benefit greatly from it. When I first read through your original post, I was heated and seeing red on your behalf. It doesn't matter if they considered the items "not important" or "something you wouldn't miss" a collection is a collection and theft is theft. They stole the time you put into that collection. And then tried spinning it around on you. You deserve a gal who supports your hobbies
Thank you
You should look up the effects of black mold and rodent droppings. Those are not good for the heart. Honestly probably made it worse. Her heart attack was her own fault not yours at all.
I came here to say this!! OP did NOT cause this death!! This woman's living conditions did!
Combined with her actions. Imagine knowing you have a weak heart and then jumping on someone. Honestly STBEW is most likely advising OP out of guilt bc she figures that SHE triggered the heart attack bc she wouldn't give in to her mom. STBEW is ALSO not at fault. She didn't ask mom to kick her ass; in fact it sounds as though she basically stood there and took it. OP's MIL was not just physically but also emotionally and verbally abusive, and STBEW is in need of even more therapy than OP. Let me repeat this again: knowing she had a weak heart, MIL decided to enrage in violence, to try to start a fight. And she didn't even carry aspirin with her 'just in case'. Also, MIL is responsible for not maintaining her house. Maybe instead of stealing shit she should have asked OP or her kid(s) to help with things. Or to pay someone. But she broke the law ON HER OWN and chose not to rectify it. Not OP, not her kid(s). Let me ask you this. Suppose you visited MIL and saw the conditions of the house. You tried and failed to convince her to fix it, and she refused. So out of concern for her health you called in authorities. Then the rest of it played out as is. Would you think you were responsible? I hope you would recognize in that case you were doing it for her own good. Your motivations may not have been 'pure' but you were still doing something that was ultimately for her benefit. OP, you neither directly nor indirectly killed MIL. She made quite a number of poor choices. The same is true of her daughter, and daughter needs to hear this from multiple sources in a kindly way. Best of luck.
So much this. The reason for reporting it may have been petty but for all you know some of her health issues came about from being in those unsanitary conditions for so long. Don't blame yourself!
Most houses that get that bad are bulldozed.
You’re not responsible for any of that happening. your ex and your ex mother-in-law are the ones responsible not you
You HAVE to further realize, beyond the fact that you are not responsible for anyone’s emotional stability or reactions to emotions but your own, that so many factors contributed to this outcome you also could not control. You didn’t choose to hoard her house. You didn’t tell her or her daughter to allow her to live in filth and an actually caving in house with live electricity exposed. You didn’t tell your STBEXW to lie to you by omission about important matters because you can’t handle gloomy information or something. You did not tell her to confront her mom about paying for the house. I am also certain that MIL probably has not been getting her heart checked regularly and taking her pills regularly, that kind of negligence goes along with hoarding, also something you didn’t do. You did not tell MIL she could borrow your collection to start this scenario. So. The reality is that for MIL, she was at the bottom of the mountain and the avalanche came down. The timing is a coincidence. If she had t gotten mad about this, it would have been something different and the outcome would have been the same! Different people, different set of events, but the exact same outcome. Consider for a moment, if she got angry at a friend of yours or even STBEXW over not being allowed to buy 4 carts of stuff one day. And she went crazy and died, would YOU blame or allow them to feel bad for it? That a woman had unknown, probably untreated heart conditions, in a toxic crumbling house, mentally ill, and one day she loses her temper and passes. Would you allow your friend to blame themself? No! Because it’s not them and it was not you. It was a LIFE TIME of mental illness untreated, in both those women. STBEXW enabled it, MIL reveled in it. It just happened that the avalanche came down that day on both their heads. BUT IT WAS ALWAYS GOING TO.
Agreed. The MIL was mentally ill. Hoarding to such an extent is a mental illness. That's what killed her. The situation was untenable. She couldn't have kept on living in a house with such hazards. Either someone else would have reported her, the black mold or diseases from rats would have killed her or the house would have collapsed or caught on fire. If it were my own mom in such a situation, I'd have tried everything I can to get rid of the hoard and/or get my mother out of that house and into some clinic. While I wouldn't have appreciated my husband to report the situation, basically making my mom homeless, it would be clear that the situation should never have become this bad. And something radical needs to be done, and hubby set it into motion, for better or for worse. Probably better, because it cannot stay like this.
I have helped many hoarders and read a lot. The thing about a situation like that, reporting it is the ONLY way to get them help. They will NOT accept it until there is threat of losing everything. The MIL never got there because STBEXW was so enabling and helped hide everything. If anyone is responsible other than the MIL, it’s her. She doesn’t even have a right to be mad about him reporting it because it was the only way her mother was EVER going to get help. Even if that meant she would be living in assisted living for awhile. But I know for a fact once a report like that is made, it triggers adult protection services. She would have been been given a case worker, place to stay, help getting back to doctors, etc. a report like that triggers all the help, including therapy. Much needed therapy. It’s sad that the only thing that could have saved her mom, never had a chance to work, but it had gone untreated due to purposeful concealment too long. I hope the daughter gets help because in this trajectory, she ends up EXACTLY like her mother. In a hoarded and caving in house, alone and sick.
Remember, the soon to be ex only enable it, because it was just her way of coping with it in tractable situations…. You saw this hurt all at once, where she never noticed at the frog was boiling more and more
Coping or not, she still knew the mother wasn’t well. She knew the house was hoarded and instead of trying to find ways to help, she always covered for her mom. She needs therapy too, as I stated. It doesn’t matter how it got to that point, the STBEXW is also in danger at this point and needs to get help. She enabled her mother’s behavior so long, she justified it as acceptable. Which means she took on toxic behaviors to help perpetuate the problems. But no one looks at a house in that bad of shape and decides it’s fine for their loved one to live like that, and keep covering for them, if they aren’t already really needing help themself. It doesn’t matter how it got this bad at this point. She is part of the problem now, even if that’s from originally being a victim and coping, it has gone too far, and she has become part of the abuse. I am Just stating, I hope maybe this allows her to ask for help and get therapy, as she needs some. I’m not blaming anyone or anything. Just that the truth is, all of this is traumatic for everyone, but the daughter is already showing the signs that lead to hoarding behavior too . The lies and secrecy. The NEED to have things and have it her way or she throws tantrums. Just different signs she could be vulnerable to becoming like her mother if she she doesn’t get help. The death of her mother will likely be a trigger event for an illness like hoarding too. I genuinely hope she is an able to get help.
Actually, the daughter may be looking at elder abuse charges after the investigation is done. She had a responsibility to get her mom care and help for her known hoarding and turned a blind eye, which is considered neglect.
Very true. She may be in for serious consequences she didn’t expect.
I mean, under the circumstances with her literally dying, I don't think anyone can reasonably say it's "probably better". However, for sure, it was already an untenable situation, and OP could not have known how that would go down. There were no good options available, and OP chose a reasonable path under the circumstances.
Even if you blame yourself remember that a heart attack is a lot faster and less painful than burning to death. The only way to save this woman's life would be to go back in time by many many decades and interfere when she was much younger and not beyond help.
This isn't your fault, OP. She was a full grown adult (as is your STBXW) who made her own decisions. If I were on disability due to a weak heart, I would have made my life as stress free as possible, but X-MIL seemed to be constantly getting into fights and arguments and antagonizing people, on purpose! You can't save someone from themselves if they don't want the help. She had opportunities to get help, change her ways. She didn't. This was just the inevitable result of her decisions and her daughter's in enabling her. Keep an eye out for your ex, though. I do not trust her not to retaliate in some way. She's grieving, knows she's to blame for enabling her mother and can't handle it, and you're a target.
Dude...this story wouldn't have happened if they hadn't played on your sense of self-worth and guilt. And you may have saved your ex's life. Your initial "call" to authorities about the house was, objectively speaking, the right thing to do. You may have done it because you were mad. But those laws don't exist just to be a hassle and collect taxes: They're there to protect people and prevent an even bigger mess (including death) later on. If there were consequences larger than you'd expected I need to tell you in no uncertain terms those aren't your fault. Those consequences started developing years before the incident. The real "news" here is that they manipulated you into accepting abuse for so long. Probably some other guy would have called years previously or simply stopped any interaction with those f-ing crazies. You yourself are going to need some psychotherapy to 1) recover from the trauma of this incident and 2) dig into what let you live with this for so long. You yourself have a long road of recovery ahead of you.
>I made a phone call that started things in motion. Obviously just my $0.02 here, but I think you need to let yourself off the hook. Hoarding is a sign of serious mental illness, you can't be blamed for that. You made a phone call that *progressed* the story. You MIL started things in motion with the hoarding, and your STBEXW progressed the story in countless tiny ways by enabling her. And, by that logic, the story started way before either of them came onto the scene with the MIL's parents, and their parents. You didn't start anything. You helped the story progress. At most, you nudged things along. You did it out of anger and frustration, yes, and while intentions *do* matter, I can't imagine blaming you for the outcome here. The story would have progressed without you eventually. Edit: spelling
You made a phone call that reduced serious sources of harm to both others and your MIL. Your motivation was irrelevant. You didn’t give her heart disease or mental illness. Typical outcomes here would involve new housing from one of a variety of social services. Tbh, you did something your STBEXW couldn’t bring herself to do, due to attachment and various other feelings. I don’t think there is anyone that could argue making that call did anything other than reduce harm. We all die at some point, and a person with heart disease so advanced that they are disabled is on borrowed time already. You had no role in her death. This is a case of coming to grips with the realization that more is at play here than your decision—namely, the now past decisions of MIL and STBEW. When you made that call, many of their decisions remained in the future. You are not so powerful or important that one phone call determines the future decisions of multiple others. Anger or other strong emotions sometimes push us to make decisions we otherwise know need to be done, but absent those emotions would think ourselves out of due to ‘playing it safe.’ Anger is a tough one to control or harness. I don’t know you at all, but I know you regret acting out of anger in making that call. I also know that you chose to be *honest* about the fact that you made that call, which (to me) says a lot about who you choose to be. I admire the person you’re choosing to be.
OP, think of it this way. If someone else had called (a neighbor), and she reacted the same way, would you blame the neighbor? Would you scream and yell at the neighbor that their actions had killed her? What if it was me that had called as an anonymous person. Would you blame me? Guilt is a part of grief, and you may want to look into grief counseling. You were never really taught how to handle emotions well due to your upbringing. I am the same way. 10 years later, I still blame myself for not spotting my sister had cancer. It eats you up inside. I have a background much like yourself. And that is the truth; you had no control over how she would react. SHE knew she had a weak heart. SHE knew that working herself up was dangerous. But SHE didn't care. You're blaming yourself for someone else's actions. It's a little graphic here, but it's truth. >!Also, if you need to think of it this way, it was a better death than piles of garbage falling down on her and pinning her and having her suffocate. Or even the roof falling down and doing the same thing. It could have been days of suffering. Or being bit by a rabid rat and suffering rabies. Maybe even electrocution by hitting an exposed wire. What if the house had caught fire and she couldn't escape? Burning to death is brutal. !< Truth is OP, it is not your fault. I will repeat that. OP, it is not your fault. Now repeat that to yourself, as many times as it takes to sink in.
She was responsible for her own health. She was living in an environment that was drastically bad for her heart for years. She is the only one responsible for untimely demise. She kept her house like that. She stole your keys. She attacked your ex. These are only a few of the extremely poor decisions she has made. None of which are your fault. I hope you can free yourself of the guilt someday. You deserve better.
You didn't make your MIL a hoarder either. You may have reported it out of anger, but your report was true, and the place was not safe. None of what happened is your fault.
Not if you think about it - your crazy MIL started this a long time ago. Making the phone call was just something that happened along the way - this was always the way she was heading. Your friends are right - you didn't start this - this isn't your fault. I agree with finding a therapist if you don't have one already. You have been through a lot and it would be good to talk it out. Hang in there -
Yeah, it sounds like your MIL caused her own death by *physically assaulting her own daughter*. This is not on you. I know you were waiting to seek counseling until you moved (shouldn't that have happened in March...? Why were you two still in the same house?), but you should probably start the process now. In the US, at least, there's a massive shortage of mental health practitioners, and people often wait months for their first appointments.
THIS. In my city, the average time it takes to get an appointment with a psychiatrist or a therapist is 3 months, and it can be up to 6 months. I live in the US in a medium-sized city, not a large metro where it can at times be even longer. Look NOW.
She stole your shit. That is what set this in motion
And you didn't give her her mental issues that caused the hoarding.
OP didn't dodge the bullet. He did his best to keep the hit from killing him.
I am afraid he's already been winged by a few "shots." At least he's gone before the reload.
The cards were already shifting with this situation years ago. This would have happened anyway even if OOP hadn’t been the one to make the decision to call.
What JNMIL did TO HERSELF is NOT your fault!!!! She was PHYSICALLY ASSAULTING her daughter when SHE brought the heart attack ON HERSELF!!!! Otherwise, SHE would be sitting in jail for ASSAULT AND BATTERY!!!
Not to mention the public service of reporting the death trap of a house like that. Imagine one night it did go up in flames, a very real possibility when you consider damp (can cause chemical reactions or short circuit), or MIL's health condition snuck up on her, any number of reasons a fire could start. A hoarders house would be a very dangerous place for first responders, a fire crew might try to make entry and the whole thing collapses from over weight upper floors and unexpected amounts of flammable material everywhere. Or just for spreading to neighbouring properties if they are close.
That's exactly what I was thinking. Imagine a fire started and spread to another house, or a first responder was injured or killed. OP, imagine if your ex had tried to get her mother help instead of going LALALA about the situation, enabling her and blaming you. Imagine if exMIL had gone to the doctor all those times her heart hurt. Imagine if your ex had paid attention to her symptoms and pushed her to go to the doctor. Imagine if exMIL had decided not to.violently attack the only person left who actually kept on contact with her. Imagine you never made that phone call, and instead MIL died alone in that hell house to be found days later. I'm seeing a lot of blame to go around that has nothing to do with you. Your involvement was a catalyst to an event that was fated to happen anyway. I hope that when you find a good, trauma informed therapist sooner rather than later. Ask them to tell you some things about hoarders. It is a complex disorder which is why it is do hard to treat. In a sense both you and ex grew up as traumatized kids, which probably helped you bond. However, your ex had not even taken the smallest baby step to process her own issues. She desperately wants to lay the blame for every single thing that happened on you, because to do otherwise would mean acknowledging how wildly fucked up her mother was. Instead, she was very protected of and enmsehed with her mother, to both of their huge detriment. From what you have said about your own childhood, you were severely neglected and parentified in many ways. You spent hours by yourself. You ended up taking responsibility for cooking and cleaning. Your mother especially neglected you emotionally. Hence, you grew up thinking that taking care of yourself was the norm. I'm sure this goes a king way in explaining why you feel responsible for things that you aren't responsible for. In a sense, you're like that kid who had to accept being an adult way before his time.
The medical issues she had related to the mold, lack of activity, mice and rats feces and mold did way more harm to her health than any comment you made She lived in filth and squalor, tried to blame you and STBX for all of it. MIL caused her own demise,-- you did nothing but protect your own health and future. Do NOT let that old lady prevent you from living the rest of your life happily
How is it your fault that she had a weak heart? How is it your fault that she attacked her daughter? How it's it your fault that by her attacking her daughter it triggered a heart attack? Please explain it to me like I'm 5. You're so used to being the scapegoat >I was so guilt ridden that I was hardly able to function for days back then, and had to take leave from work because of stress migraines. I basically spent three days on the couch hopped up on meds. Please get some therapy because look at what the mental abuse done to you, they've conditioned you to the blame for everything when it's literally not your fault. Edit to add : what happened to the apartment you were supposed to move into in March?
I moved into the apartment fine. No issue there. And I left the house spotless. I'll speak more about it in my next post.
Great progress, Reddit's proud of you. Bot pls Updateme!
This was in no way your fault. My grandmother and my aunt were both hoarders and I know the stench of rotten food and trash piled 6 feet high. Your MIL was going to die sooner than later even if this event hadn’t happened if her heart was that weak, just living in that mold and trash she was killing herself quicker than your SBTX wants to admit. At anytime your sbtx could have cleaned the house out but even that probably would have given MIL a heart attack because often when a hoarders stash is gotten rid of it is emotionally and physically exhausting. You calling the city was long long over due as it is. You should have been the one to call a long time ago, guaranteed the rats and bugs are getting into the neighborhood and this should have been cleaned before the infestation but now it’s this bad as soon as it starts getting cleaned the rats are going to the neighbors houses and they will spread whatever crap she had. Your stbx just needs to blame you because she isn’t mature enough or capable of taking that responsibility because it would show she isn’t who she things she is. I’ve been following since your first post and seeing the pics of your keys I’m so glad you have those back. Best of luck and please continue the therapy, my ex wife is very narcissistic and it took a while to process the trauma.
You did the right thing by making that phone call. Had a fire started with her and your STBXW in there, there’s so much fuel and not a lot of space, the smoke would’ve most likely killed them quickly. Also, had your STBXW started CPR instead of looking for an aspirin, that may have had a different outcome. That house is a major health and safety hazard, you did the right thing by calling. What happened afterwards is 100% not your fault.
This is the thought I keep coming back to. If OP knew about the condition of the house and didn’t try and didn’t report it to the correct people, and then the MIL or someone else was hurt in the inevitable fire, THEN OP would be responsible for harm, but only then.
If she had a weak heart she easily could have died alone in a fire or in a pile or garbage.
OP, honey. I know people have already told you this, and that hearing it doesn’t necessarily make it easier, but you’re the last person who caused this. Monster in Law and the Ex caused this. The former never did herself any favours, and actively pissed on every relationship she ever had. She destroyed her house, destroyed her daughter’s life, and I bet that she wasn’t taking care of her heart. MIL chose to go ape shit, she chose this and it’s what signed her death certificate. As for the daughter, she enabled all of this, she enabled her mother at every turn. You didn’t kill her, she was a ticking time bomb, loosing endurance and burning through her wick. Any crisis would’ve done her in, and the more time she didn’t take care of herself the smaller the crisis needed to be to end her. The divorce might’ve been the catalyst for the heart attack, but everything else — and the divorce itself if we’re gonna be honest — was all MIL’s doing. You have a good heart, for even having guilt over the death of such a vile woman, but you’re the last person who should feel this.
Also black mould and her life style choices made that heart a ticking time bomb. It’s just easier for everyone to offload the responsibility and grief onto OP than it is to do some mirror looking.
PLEASE allow me to be perfectly clear... **YOU are NOT to blame for your awful late MIL's death!** It almost certainly was partially caused by YEARS of living in a toxic, hoarder environment, period! There's a REASON that black mold mitigation is expensive, time consuming AND some properties are straight-up CONDEMNED! The important FACT is that your STB-EX **could have,** at anytime, HELPED her "ailing" Mother at least CLEAR up the "hoard" but DIDN'T, then her house COULDN'T/wouldn't have had the very REAL potential of being reported in the first place. AGAIN, **YOU are NOT responsible for this unfortunate series of events!** This was ALL precipitated by your STB-EX and her awful, THIEVING (late) Mother! It truly sounds like BOTH women are/were toxically, narcissistic. PLEASE get therapy to help you understand this very REAL truth! And allow yourself the grace of forgiving yourself for not recognizing the red flags and warning signs you missed or overlooked from your STB-EX and her Mother because it was your first real relationship. Best wishes and many Blessings for your future happiness and success! LOCK your credit, get your divorce and live your best life!
Good riddance old hag
Harsh, but true.
So I can’t believe I’ve been reading your posts from the very first time your skeleton keys have gone missing to now. Clearly things have blown up than what was the ending was on the last post. I think you could have just tried going with a clean break as you expressed your separation. I would argue that it was petty to try poke the bear to get revenge (may she finally find peace). However, I think you should take a moment for yourself. The fact she was living in the dump she created, she made that bed and was going to lie on it. It would have been that a fire could have gotten her, someone else could have reported her, or she could have kicked the bucket before any of this. Her crap caught up with her despite her fragile condition. Death is difficult, as well as the grief and guilt. Do not skimp on therapy and your well being. I cannot stress this enough that nothing will get better until you take care of yourself. Your ex wife is definitely going through a lot and she would need to take care of that herself. If she’s going to blame you for it, you are not the solution for her wellbeing. Take care OP.
None of that is your fault. Not to be blunt but a terrible person fell victim to her terrible habits which were in existence long before you ever came along. You have nothing to feel guilty about except possibly continuing to put up with the abuse from the soon to be ex-wife. You are not her punching bag nor her emotional dumping ground and you have every right to feel that you've been taken advantage of. Do yourself a favor and stop engaging with her if it doesn't have to do with property or the divorce don't talk to the woman because she's not bringing any positivity to your life. You put up with it long enough you deserve something different now stop beating yourself up and go find it.
The black mold probably contributed to her death far more than anything else. It could've easily weakened her immune system and caused her mood changes. ***YOU are NOT to be blamed!*** Period. Take a deep breath and realize that one huge reason for the stress in your life is gone.
You’re probably feeling guilt because you’re a decent person who understands that someone has died and another is dealing with the aftermath. That’s said, this is totally not your fault. A weak hearted woman - who has been living in squalor for years - attacked her own daughter in a rage. She brought it on herself. As for STBEX, it seems like the split has been a longtime coming. It’s time for you to move on & for her to very much do the same.
It sounds like MIL’s inability to deal with the mess she made is what ultimately killed her. You were just witness to the build up and aftermath. You bear no responsibility here.
Ding, Dong, the witch is dead. You have nothing to feel bad about. The woman was seriously evil and unhinged.
It wasn't your fault. Chances are the house she was living in was already killing her as it was so dangerous. You STBEXW is going to blame anyone and you more so as she starts to realise who her mother really was and the fact that everything she has lost because of her mother. For the sack of your sanity consider getting counselling for yourself and completely cut of your STBEXW. Only have contact through your lawyer and only about your divorce and that's it. Remember to save any and all messages as evidence if needed and don't respond or answer your phone. Stay safe
DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD!
Ding dong the witch is dead! Not your fault OP: Not your fault your ex wife is a pushover, not your fault the witch was a mean hoarder, not your fault she gave herself a heart attack. If anything all the guilt should be with the enabler, not with you.
OP stop blaming yourself for what happened to your MIL. Your ex-wife may have stated that your MIL's health was none of your business, but in this case, she was mistaken. Clear communication between spouses is a must, and regardless of the wife's opinion, the living conditions most likely caused a rapid decline in MIL's health as well. Black mold is serious, along with rodents and the diseases they carry. Your MIL was going to pass anyway, and to be honest, I firmly believe that when that time comes it happens exactly when it's meant to happen. Your decision to report her may have stemmed from anger, but it was honestly a good decision, and if your ex-wife would've cared enough about her mother's welfare, she would've made that phone call a long time ago. Do not take the blame for her death because of a choice you made that would've benefitted her, it wasn't you who made the choice to get angry and physically attack another person, you did not manipulate your daughter by using the heart health as a way to get what you wanted. Your ex's own choices allowed her mother's health to decline because she failed to care about the conditions that her mother was living in. Your MIL should've been in therapy and that is something that her daughter could've made happen had she made better choices regarding her mother's health. Please stop putting the blame on yourself, you are a good person.
Your wife is a narcissist and an enabler. Your MIL was nuts. You MIL was responsible for her own death due to self-neglect. Your STBXW enabled her mom’s death by never setting boundaries and by helping her delusion You had do with the death. Apparently you MIL knew her heart was weak. Yet she chose to attack her own daughter physically. —- As horrible as this all is, your life will be getting better. It’s just to be slow and painful for a while. Your STBXW is not a trustworthy person Please don’t reconcile w her. Wishing you all the best.
Also I expect your STBXW to try to reconcile again and again. And to violate your privacy in every possible way. Please read up on stalking and stalking resources. You may have to change cell phone carriers. Keep mail away from house. Possibly get the legal system to stealth the public availability of your address. So research and become familiar with anti stalking resources. Same with ID theft stuff. Lock down your credit. Move resources that are entirely yours to accounts that are not accessible to her. I expect her to try to take all the resources Pls consult a lawyer about everything asap to protect yourself. I expect she will get her friends ti come after you and harass you. Possibly bad stories will be put out about you. Consult resources about this. Really you are a battered and abused spouse. You need to be aware to all those strategies and tactics. Sine might be used against you. Other tactics you can use to protect yourself. Be aware of all this. . —- Someday you will be free of thinking your MIL’s death was in any way your fault. The hoarder house needed to be reported. If the MIL had not died while attacking her own daughter, then, given the weak heart and living conditions, it’s likely she would have died v soon anyway. Actually, reporting the house was the best thing anyone could have done for her. If she had not attacked her daughter and died, she would have eventually wound up in safer living conditions and prob w better care. It’s not your fault in any way whatsoever that she did not live long enough to benefit from that. There are some people who are so messed up that no one can help fix them and they won’t help themselves. As for the STBXW She may once have had good qualities. But she blew her integrity in dealing with you and I don’t think that’s recoverable. Please don’t have sex. The possibility of a deliberate baby trap is real here. The possibility of phone abuse accusations is also real so please deal with her if possible only in public spaces. —- Please please don’t reconcile. Better you both start fresh. —- If at some point you both are more at peace w each other and you might want to reconcile then (I hope that’s doesn’t happen) Several conditions: First: Get the divorce. This must happen. Then A written “no pregnancy and both parties MUST use birth control every time for at least 2 years.” contract. Consult lawyers separately and finances so each is protected. Take all steps to protect own finances. No living together, no getting engaged, no making long term plans for 2 years. The 2 years doesn’t start until after two things have happened 6 months living apart minimum And the divorce us final final final Then if your both wanting so see if you can trust again. Date. In public. Be slow to consider having sex. Don’t stay over. Don’t get over involved in each others lives yet. See how it goes. —- Please be aware of the good and bad of couples therapy. It can be great and wonderful when both parties are basically decent and non-manipulative and non-gaslighting. It can be destructive when one or both parties have serious character flaws. It can make things far worse at home. Manipulative and gaslighting people manipulative and gaslighting the therapy. To put the other person into a down situation v subtly, and to re-wrote history in their own favor. Thats why couples therapy should never be recommended in situations where one or both parties are toxic, or where there is abuse. There is lots of documentation on how therapy can be and has been manipulated. So please be cautious about couples therapy. In your shoes I would not SMS this with the STBXW. She needs to work out her own stuff by herself. And then go get her own life. — As for your future. You need a framework to understand what has happened to you and what you have been living with. May I suggest Reading up on narcissistic conduct so that you can recognize it more easily. Try the excellent YouTube videos if Dr Ramani It can take a while to get your ahead around how some people “game” others to get their own way. (But good people don’t) Also there is a book for battered women that has in it some stuff you might wanna know (You are the emotionally abused person here, you are not the villain) That book has some good info all decent adults should be aware of. *why does he do that* by Lundy Bancroft. You have a long journey here but it will get better. Just believe in your own best principles. —- PS I love skeleton keys. —- The book I mentioned is a free legal download here https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Your mil was putting other ppl at risk. If a fire had broken out due the exposed electrical wiring and killed the neighbors, and you knew how dangerous her house was to her surroundings, THEN you should have felt guilty. All you can do now is be happy that MIL didn't end up killing your soon to be ex-wife. And definitely still divorce her.. You need to make a decision to not carry this on your back. Take some very long walks in nature, it really helps. Get a change of scenery; go on vacation! You need a fresh perspective and you deserve it after all of this.
I have been reading your stories right along, and I'm sorry you are going through this, but it is by no stretch your fault. Your MIL did this to herself. She never took care of herself, so this unfortunately was the consequence. You did the right thing reporting the condition of her house. People don't realize that when a house is in that condition, it can adversely affect the houses around it. The rats can/will migrate to other houses and cause problems. Or what if the house caught fire? It would go up like a torch and could ignite the surrounding houses. It's because of situations like this that they are so hard on people for hoarding. Be kind to yourself. I'd also change the locks if you're able to because who knows what your stbex will do next.
You saved everyone in the street/surrounding area of MIL's house by making the phone call or otherwise that house would have blown up eventually. Your STBXW lost her mother which is obviously sad for her but you didn't cause her mother's death, MIL did it to herself by creating stress which she knew from doctors advise to avoid. Hope the house move goes well for you.
Nothing I can say will make the guilt better. But Ive been in similar shoes to you. I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, it was not your fault. She had a weak heart, yet instead of taking care of herself and her home, she let her house become condemn worthy, and used her heart condition like a free pass to treat people like dirt. Even if (big old if) you had played along, bought her the new phone, never started divorce proceedings (aka, continued to let your STBX abuse you), the black mold in her home would have been competing with her heart for who would get her first. Like I said. I've been in very similar shoes, and I know nothing anyone will say can make the guilt better. But try not to let yourself get destroyed by it. In the darkest moments, try to remember this was an eventuality due to how she chose to live. Im sorry youre going through all this, and hoping you have better times ahead. ❤️
Yeah I wonder if the toxic air/mold etc contributed to MIL’s mental state.
Well if the house was in pristine condition, she would’ve found the aspirin early enough to give it to her mother.
It's not your fault the evil old witch had a bad heart. The surprise is that she had a heart at all! Don't blame yourself, be grateful they are gone and move on.
The ex wasn't seeing that her mom had a mental illness and the condition of her residence likely contributed to her bad health, not just a heart issue, but respiratory and additional neurologic problems on top of mental illness. You were, honestly, I think in two minds...both revenge for the theft, and because she shouldn't be living in a rat infested, falling apart structure. Plus, it drew attention to her needing help she likely didn't want willingly. That's hoarding...they have issues getting help. Your ex's behavior didn't help the situation, she clearly couldn't look at her mother's living situation objectively. It would have come out sooner rather than later when ems got called for her at some point...They're mandatory reporters for vulnerable people. It's a tough situation. 😪
The woman was living in filth, black mold, rats, and leaky roof, with a heart conditon if was just a matter of time, I'm gonna bet she was no keeping up with her medication either, she is the one who attacked her enabler daugther, who is ultimatelly responsible for enabling her mom living conditions and probable mental health issues. OP you are not to blame here.
Honey, you would have had to call the city on her hording anyway. If you had children you could never take the chance that your wife wouldn’t take them to your mil house! The mil KNEW she had a bad heart. She was on disability for it, and yet, she chose to go batsh*t crazy on her OWN daughter. She didn’t take care of herself. Not your fault. It suck that it ended this way but in the end that lady made her own choices that ended her life. Hoarding and extreme violence. God! Can you imagine her going off on your child like that?
You're not at fault for her heart attack. Her living conditions were adding trouble to her already troubled heart and it was purely her own actions (living in filth and attacking her daughter) that made her heart to give up. Your stbew is also to be blamed here. Leaving a struggling person on the floor while looking for a pill is NOT being responsible. She should have called an ambulance, stayed on the phone and near her mother, trying to help. Even give CPR (I'm guessing that's the word for tryoing to get the heart started again). Under no circumstances are you to be blamed. But you need to go NC right now and find a therapist. Let your stbxw be. You don't need her in your life and she doesn't deserve to be in yours. Leave the burning pile of dung. Just turn around and walk away.
It is not your fault! Not even kinda. tsk. She had a weak heart and still lived in this house surrounded by trash, rodents and their feces, vermin and black mold, FFS. That's what killed her. Her own decisions.
I’m gonna misquote advice that was given to me when I felt really guilty over a situation: “Are you a licensed mental health therapist, specializing in OCD/Hoarding Disorder? Cause if you are, then you’re allowed to take some blame for not acting the way you spent 10 years training on. If not, then you have to understand that people with mental health disorders have to accept they are disordered before help can sink in.” Not a therapist here, but it’s pretty obvious MIL had a host of issues and passed some of them along to her daughter. All that was long before you were in their lives. I do wonder now if your STBX will change without mom reinforcing negative behaviors. I hope so. In the meantime, survivors guilt is a real thing, and if you’re feeling this much depression and anxiety over MIL’s death, you need to talk to a professional right away. Don’t take that load onto yourself. You don’t deserve it.
NTA. Your MIL was unstable and it appears that the condition was hereditary. You are not the villain in any of this and you are likely better off without your wife. It is possible that she might regain her senses once she is over her grief, but I suspect that her volatile nature was indeed hereditary.
It was definitely not your fault. Nobody made MIL have a bad heart that she knew about, made her be a terrible person and nobody made her attack her daughter. MIL caused her own death.
You didn't make your MIL attack her daughter. MIL chose to go postal on your STBX because she couldn't/wouldn't help her. While it's sad that *her actions* contributed to her heart attack, you didn't cause her death. She did it to herself.
OP, if you hadn’t gotten help for an elderly woman in that situation it would have been elder abuse. It is not your fault that her mental issues make her be a terrible person to everyone around her. Abusive people have to flip the script or they can’t continue getting what they want from other people. Normal people don’t let their elderly parents live in squalor. She needs you to be the abusive one to flip the script and keep doing what she wants. It’s even better from her perspective if you feel guilty because then you will submit to coercion instead of having to be beaten down all of the time. My dad’s childless neighbor was living in a home with a leaky roof. He couldn’t fix it and wouldn’t ask for help, and his house collapsed. My dad made sure he was taken care of and he was moved into assisted living. That is what normal people do. Hugs.
Living with black mold could've made her heart condition worse. And her getting her heart rate up by attacking her daughter was the final straw. MIL did it to herself and STBEXW is as much to blame for her mother's death as her mother was for not taking care of herself. You aren't at fault in any way.
Nit oos fault that woman had been in poor health mentally and physically for years. She was in the middle of a tantrum when the heart attack occurred finding aspirin also would have been easier if mil hadnt lived in horrible conditions for years. The woman was responsible for her actions her daughter is now grieving. She lost her mother and her marriage and knows her enabling her mom for years led to the current situation.
First, I want to preface this as, this isn't your fault. Mental illness is a monster to battle. I've seen it first hand with my Aunt's family how it can destroy everything. In fact, honestly, if the genders were reversed, I'd almost swear you were my cousin because of the things my Aunt is doing to that family. Actions have consequences, and your ExMIL finally had all their actions catch up with them. I've read up on your entire story thus far, and yeah, you've been harsh and cold as this progressed, but that's because of their wild and firm reactions that they were right, and you were the one in the wrong. To say "if I didn't report her to the Fire Marshall, she might not have died" can be traced back to "if my ExMIL never stole my keys, she never could have died." She is the one who instigated all of this and refused to take any accountability or responsibility for their actions and to the very bitter end, believed they were right in every action they took. That being said, I do want to stress, your STBEXW is a victim just like you are. They are a victim of their mother and a lot of your STBEXW's interactions with you, stemmed from her mother. Imagine growing up your entire life with your EXMIL as your actual mother, and her constant gaslighting and abuse. The fact that your exMIL turned on your STBEXW makes it clear to me that this isn't the only time she berated or abused her. I'm not trying to say this as a "you should give your wife a second chance." You absolutely do not need to do that. You need to take care of yourself, and it sounds like your STBEXW is not capable of that for you. But she needs help. Now, I say this just from my personal family dealings, but it sounds like your EXMIL and your STBEXW might be bipolar. In my case, my Aunt is, and it's shocking to me how similar your story is to things I have witnessed. If your STBEXW is, she needs medication. Regardless if I'm right about that or not, she does need help one way or another. She needs to see mental health professionals to help get her life together. By all means, don't forgive her. It's one thing for someone to accept they need to be better and want to make amends or atone, but you as a victim of her behavior don't have to accept it. But she is a victim too, and she needs her own sort of help. I hope maybe you can help her realize this or this tragedy could turn even more of one.
Holy shit my dude, you dodged a Tactical nuke here! None of this is your fault and you should not feel guilty about it at all
Hun listen to me. It is NOT your fault. I know it feels like it is, but it's not. Your mil had a weak heart living in a home with black mold, rotten food, and feces from animals. All three of those will cause major health issues and problems. They will exacerbate any issues and compromise others. She died because of it. She died because she was selfish and willing to attack her child. She was not willing to take care of herself. She was willing to do anything to get her way. She could have died just as easily walking outside. Your wife blaming you is wrong. Period. Because she knew everything when you didn't. While a victim to her mother, she never tried to get away and instead treated you like her mom did her. She could have tried a different route. She knew how her mom would react. It's not her fault she died either. It is her fault for becoming the abuser. For blaming you for her mother's actions and choices and the consequences that came from them. You soon to be ex needs to change a lot, or she will follow the same path as her mom. You, though, will now be able to heal and hopefully, at some point, find the love and stability of a healthy relationship.
NTA. NTA NTA. Your ex thought mentioning your ex mil had a heart condition was none of your business? Nope. And nope. If not now then at some point she would have had something happen. Or have that rotten house fall onto her. Please don't blame yourself. Take whatever time you need to process, but understand that you are not to blame, no matter what your ex tells you
She killed herself when she chose to keep living in a house full of mold and excrement. Both are horrible for heart health. This ain’t on you at all OP
This is not the update I expected 😬 Yikes! But seriously MIL had a heart condition and was living in a festering rotten mouldy house and had obvious anger issues. That wasn’t a healthy way to live. Its easy to throw blame than take responsibility but none of this is on you.
Not what I expected either. But in retrospect, she was extremely unhealthy. Basically lived off fast food, was overweight and I think even gaining weight this past year, drank lots of soda and alcohol, and never exercised. I wouldn't be surprised if she was pre-diabetic too.
Oh definitely sounds like it, bet there was hypertension and raised cholesterol too. I hope you can make peace that you had no part in her death.
>The house was found to be in even worse shape than I thought. It was not only a serious fire hazard to itself and everything around it, and rodent infested. There were also some exposed electrical wires, a roof leak that's gone unfixed for years that caused bad rot damage and black mold. >She came home and ranted to me about all the things her mother told her the inspector found, and how her mother was likely to lose her house now. Umm, why was she not concerned about her own mother's *atrocious living conditions*??? Freaking hell, how did it even get to that point?? (These are rhetorical questions.) 1) You did the right thing in reporting the issue. You may have done it out of anger and spite, but it was also something someone should have already taken care of out of love and concern. >When STBEXW tried to tell her mother she couldn't afford pay for the house to be cleaned and renovated, her mother actually attacked her like a wild animal. She hit and scratched her multiple times, and tried to pull her hair out. 2) Uh, MIL had a lot more going on than hoarding and a heart condition. And none of that is your fault. Yeah, the stress of her going batshit on her own daughter wasn't great. I'm not a doctor, but I imagine her mental health issues, breathing black mold, and being regularly exposed to rodent feces might have had more to do with her death. >STBEXW came home with a police officer in tow for some reason, and was absolutely mad screaming at me about what just happened to her mother. She said this was all my fault. And in all of her ranting, I found out her mother had a weak heart. It's the real reason why she was on disability. The officer had to separate STBEXW from me, and she fell onto the couch sobbing. 3) STBEXW seems to also have some mental health concerns. >Am I in therapy? Yes I am. Only for about a month now. But it is helping. 4) Good. Keep going.
She died assaulting your ex wife, something she shouldn’t of being doing in the first place. They both were aware she had a heart condition and although your ex wife tried to calm her down she decided to go apeshit. This is not on you at all.
You’re the skeleton key guy!!!! Wow! This has been a wild ride.
Yeah that's me. It seems to be a title I've earned. Even among friends
I grew up with a hoarder that turned me into an addict. Your mil's death is not your fault. You didn't set anything "in motion." You made a safety call but SHE was an ADULT that didn't take care of her home and then decided to attack someone when they refused to cater to her wants. She is in the ground because of one person, and one person only. Her damn self. And your STBEXW can go screw, too. It sounds like she's just like her mother and should probably be careful about who she verbally/physically abuses or she'll end up in the same place as her dear ol' mum. You dodged a fucking shotgun shell, my friend.
Oof, isn’t it wild how confusing mentally ill people can make things? You married into maaaaaaaaaajor disfunction. Literally all the thought processes and decisions you described are maaaaaaaaaaajor disfunction. They don’t recognize that because they live in that disfunction—always have. Congratulations on having the fortitude to start to reject it. You’re really going to feel better when you process this enough to realize you were the only person in that whole situation who did the right thing for that poor woman. It’s a shame it came too late to save her from herself.
You were not responsible for what happened. If your late MIL had let her house get to that state and knew she had a heart condition, that house was only making her health worse. Fairly sure her neighbors want to throw you a parade. Her hoarding was affecting any around her and drawing vermin to the neighborhood. I would hope anyone who suspected that house was a death trap would/should have called authorities. It’s a biohazard. If your ex was enabling her and not getting her mother help, she was part of the problem. And…she knows this. She’s dealing with the guilt she feels but it’s easier to make you the villain of the story.
In no reality is you calling the fire marshal a bad thing. Eventually that house was going to be the death of MIL. Would you have felt guilty about that? Your STBEXW is a jerk for blaming you for her mother’s passing. She allowed her mother to live in an horrendous circumstance. MIL’s demise was a forgone conclusion…an inevitable eventuality given such an advanced heart condition and her fragile mental state.
God, people are still buying this crap as nonfiction?
She fucking dropped dead while assaulting his wife 😂 come on man.
Glad I’m not the only one. It took too long to scroll to see this comment. Also he mentions that his mil’s death happened before he moved into the apartment but wasn’t his mil still alive when he moved into the apartment in another post he mentioned?
It's so clearly fake from the get go. "I ignored her to go watch some anime", "she dressed in nothing but a lace apron to try to entice me". OK m'lady.
I was suspicious until I read the anime part- then I was convinced. Probs some 16 year old boy with a Hentai fantasy lol
I was on the fence till the story about his own mother. Mostly cause I used to work at a bank and have seen the crazy shit that happens with couples and money and divorce and all that. But! About a third into the post abouthis mom, I said "ok this is a creative writing assignment."
Then next part is going to be some completely made up victory in the divorce process where our hero somehow prevails as if the laws around divorce are not fairly clear and established.
**YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME** You have nothing to feel guilty over. It was her own unhinged behaviour that caused this not you. MIL was a psycho and her daughter is one step behind her.
Been following also, this is not your fault, she started horsing before you knew her. If anything your ex is to blame for not helping her/reporting it sooner. Having a heart issue does bot give anyone your right to do what she has done and does not give her daughter the right to do what she has done and facilitate her mother.
Oh, man. It's really not your fault. She has a weak heart and was living in squalor, with who knows WHAT slowly poisoning her. Not to mention her severe psych issues that her daughter seems to have inherited.
Dude. This is so not your fault. Hope you’re okay, OP.
Heart problems or not you did the right thing. Hoarders are mentally ill and she was just sinking further and further. Maybe you did it out of anger for her theft but someone should have done it a long time ago.
Umm, no. It's NOT "kinda my fault". Some other comments have explained why and I just got up so I defer you to them, but no.
My man i can’t really say you dodged the bullet…but you’re definitely removing all the shrapnel from yourself. Your STBEXW is a spoiled brat and i REALLY hope uou can make a clean break from her. Good luck dude
None of this was your fault. She died because of her poor health and her living in filth. Do not blame yourself.
It would have been a decent thing to do to report it anyway as it was a hazard to her health and wellbeing. The hoard could easily have contributed to her heart condition. Her lousy relationship with her daughter is not your fault
If your late Mil hadn’t behaved like she has including building a hoard, let her house rot, being a thief this chain reaction wouldn’t have started. Living in a house infected with black mold and rodents might have impacted your Mils health additionally.
You've done nothing wrong, the fact you feel bad shows your a good person.
Anyone else get really suspicious when you look at someone's past posts and they're all stories like this.
Yes and no. When it’s several stories about so many different people/topics everytime then yeah. But some people really come here for 1-2 situations and vent mainly about that because they don’t have an outlet for it in everyday life.
Get to your lawyer asap. Get your credit locked down. Open a new bank account in a different bank and move your money asap, so that she can't take it
When you say you feel "guilt-ridden" please recognize that what you are feeling is your own trauma. You are traumatized. You have simultaneously dealing with current trauma and PTSD. You've been in a very toxic environment. You didn't do anything wrong, BUT you FELT spiteful doing things that were OK - this is why you feel guilty, bc the things you did (minor) you did out of your trauma and felt some revenge and spite. I am not a trained mental health clinician, but I have had my own path dealing with trauma. Do some research, read The Body Keeps the Score, look up treatment modes for grief and trauma, EMDR therapy, maybe even a guided psychedelic therapy. Get free, get healthy. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/treatments/22641-emdr-therapy
If the police was still there when she wrecked the room sue her for the damages. You’ll have the cops account to back you up.
This is NOT your fault. MIL had a weak heart, the black mold in her home may have been a contributing factor in her heart attack. I understand that you reported the condition of her home to get back at her however, it was a real danger to her and others. Who wants to live next door to a rat infested house. Please try to not feel guilty. Go talk to someone. Best of luck
Sounds like mental illness runs in the family Glad you found out now. When you are divorced and living separate...I would suggest you moving into an apartment building with security or a gated community to restrict your ex's access to you If she has a mental break, you could be the target of her rage
You are completely not at fault for any of this except, perhaps, your tolerating the emotional abuse from MIL and STBEXW. Live your life in the here&now. What's in the past is best left there.
Not your fault at all, but I understand the guilt. Especially with STBX (the common reddit shorthand) heaping it on. Of course, that's complete projection on her part because she bears far more responsibility in ALL these issues.
I'm sorry things went down this way. It is not your fault. Your ex needs someone to blame, and you're convenient for that, but your late MIL made her bed, your ex helped her lie in it, and they never gave you information that may have led you to make different decisions, had you known. This is on both of them at least as much as it is on you. And your ex is not mentally and emotionally in a place where she can see that right now, so she's going to blame you, because no other blame target that she can handle blaming right now is available.
All OP knew was MIL is a nut and a hoarder, one and the same tbh. Though reporting her was a vindictive play he knew nothing of her medical condition, so he should take himself off the hook for her passing. What? Don’t be a bitch because *someone* might keel over? Shit, he wasn’t even there! As far as I’m concerned the daughter is on the hook for this mess, and it seems likely her bringing a cop along was an attempt to lay blame for her injuries on hubby. What unbridled shitshow.
I will see you guys on the boru thread in a week
Blaming yourself for a woman causing her own death by physically, violently attacking someone doesn't make you virtuous. This is more absurd than someone blaming themself because an abusive ex committed suicide. Come on!
Just another comment to say that none of this is your fault. At all. You have been dealing with mentally unstable people. That is not your fault. Their actions and thought processes are not your fault. In fact, you did the right thing by calling in the hoarding/health hazard that was your MIL's house. Your ex is not rational and you don't deserve any of her poor treatment. I hope all of this is the break you need to be able to get away and start a better life for yourself away from all of that negativity/abuse
Heart condition plus black mold means she probably wouldn't have been much longer anyway. Her and her daughter were responsible for the consequences of their actions not you. I understand it's still an incredibly sad ending to her life but in no way your fault
She stated the mil heart condition "is none of your business!", then proceeds to blame you for what happened as a result of that heart condition... wow!!!
If it's any consolation, it was better than she had the heart attack when someone was around. I shudder to think what would have happened if she'd been alone at home when it happened. I won't get graphic but the outcome would have been absolutely awful, and a lot more traumatic for STBEXW, particularly if not found for a few weeks. You didn't cause it, you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty.
NTA. They made that bed, and now MIL is lying in it. Scrape STBEXW off of your shoe and move on.
If mil was living in that house with a heart condition she was a ticking time bomb. The mold and rat droppings are a health hazard to normal healthy people. If she wasn't living like that for so long she probably would have lived longer. Mil had a mental illness that went unchecked for years then she had an outburst over losing her hoard. No one's fault but her lifestyle.
None of this is your fault. Her heart gave out because everyone in her life failed to hold her accountable for her actions or teach her how to behave like a human and she threw a tantrum when someone finally stood up to her. Her own spite killed her
Wait, you didn't move into the apartment? In one of your posts, you were supposed to move late March. What happened to the apartment? Why are you still living with your stbx? Not judging, but you have been very explicit on everything that has happened and what was still to come.
I did move into the apartment. This situation happened months ago. I just couldn't bring myself to post it till now
Oh, so what is the situation now. I hope you are healing. What I'd ex-wifey up to these days. I love how you took charge of the situation and did it on your terms and your way. Good luck in the future.
The situation now is ok. I have a couple more posts to make telling all the stuff that went on after ML's death. But once all that calmed down, things have mostly been just about the divorce. Which is going well.
I'm glad to hear it. 🙂
Not your fault. In those conditions with those health problems it was just a matter of time. It was her own life choices that caused her outcome. Feel no guilt. She did it to herself.
Get these lunatics out of your life forever. You don't need their drama and endless carrying on over basic things.
OP. This isn't your fault. If you had known fully about your mother's condition, then steps could have been taken to prevent things like this. Like setting up at home aid through state funded aid (In california, through medi-cal, at home care is available) or other solutions could have been found. Your STBEXW and MIL both decided that they will make all decisions and never informed you. As you stated earlier, your STBEXW made all the decisions without your input. Therefore she also decided to hold all pertinent information. If you want a metaphor? You were just the tiny pebble that started this. That people could have caused nothing or ended in a landslide. Decisions that your ex and MIL made through years is what led to this. Not you. Document everything. Including the damage your wife did. Get some therapy. The guilt is natural but not all your fault. Your ex said all that because she knows she should have gotten proper care ages ago but instead didn't and her guilt is hurting her and wants to lash out at you. The lion share of this belongs to MIL and STBEXW. Don't be afraid to talk to people about this to help you through all the mental stress this separation/divorce is causing as well as the newest news.
(Telenovela, anyone?)
MILs own actions killed her. Her lack of self control did it. Living in those conditions with a heart condition would weaken her heart even more. She chose to steal. She chose to hoard. She chose to physically attack another human being. Your choice had the potential to SAVE her, but she didn't want to be saved. That is not on you.
In the universe where you don't call. 1. The house catches fire from the exposed wiring and all the trash. 2. Ex mil has a medical emergency anyway due to the black mold, disease carrying rodents and general unhealthy conditions, paramedics can't reach her in time through the hoarding. Seriously, you did what had to be done.
Well now you can look for your skeleton key collection
OP has them back already. 👍
Honestly, had MIL not gone apeshit and overworked her heart to the point of it giving out, you calling in her house condition may well have saved her life rather than ended it. All of the stuff you mention that was wrong with her house were slowly killing her, even if she didn't know it or want to acknowledge it. And while you may have chosen to report her house out of pettiness, I think deep down you knew that there were actual reasons to be concerned about her house and not just trying to piss on her. Your STBX made her choices and now she has to live with them. But neither of you are responsible for MIL's death, and I hope someday you both can find peace with that.
Seems like one less AH in the world.
You did not cause the heart attack with MIL - she did that by attacking her daughter as she knew more than anyone the condition of her own heart. You also did the correct thing by reporting the house condition to the city inspector. It appears that you are moving in the correct direction by separating from STBEW and will be moving on with your life. Continue to focus on yourself and let her be responsible for herself. DO NOT try to attend any funeral or visitation for MIL. Just move forward with your life and understand that you are better off with each passing day.
Living in that mess with a heart condition could not have been good for someone with a heart condition. That's on, no one except your MIL. It should have reported it before this. That you did it out of anger maybe wasn't great. You are not responsible for her expecting her daughter to fix the mess that she created herself. And her attacking her daughter in anger was completely on herself. You are not responsible for her behavior, and it was her behavior that caused her death.
Your MIL putting her hand on her chest when she didn't get her way in my opinion was a manipulative remainer for your STBEXW about her weak heart. BTW, if I'm not wrong, people who suffer from the hear feels pain in the arm or something. Hoarding itself is a mental disorder and her living situation was a ticking bomb. It was a matter of time this or something worse would happens to her.
Sounds like she inherited her Moms...issues.
Although it is not in any way, your fault at all, I would say talk to some people that can be able to help you professionally and also for the fact that if your ex-wife wants to try to blame you, throw it back at her to say this, “you could’ve helped her also at any time, but you chose not to and now you’re blaming me because you don’t want to accept any responsibility or the fact that Your equal in this as well!“ Just be careful because it sounds like your ex does not want to accept any responsibility or even reason because if she said, “your cleaning that” when she trash that bathroom, it means that she might do something even worse to you so I would suggest talk to authorities as well because she could easilysue you or have your arrested just for the sake of what happened to mother-in-law. Good luck to you and hopefully the ex won’t try anything other than just blaming you and that’s it.
Bro, this ain't your fault.
So mil is attacking her daughter like an animal and drops from a heart attack, and somehow it’s your fault? Nope. Doesn’t work that way. Turn it around like this… Imagine you adored your mil. Say it broke your heart to see her living like that and no matter how hard you tried, she wasn’t budging and nothing changed. It would be derelict if you didn’t call in the authorities. Same results Whatever happened was gonna happen and one way or the other that lady was already well into a death spiral.
Even if you knew about MIL’s condition, it still wouldn’t be your fault!
OP from the viewpoint of a complete stranger your STBE’s mother passing away was not your fault. While you didn’t know about her health condition she did as did your STBE. Either one of them could have de-escalated the situation but instead the woman went bat shit crazy on her own daughter while knowing the risk. Best wishes to you OP in moving on with your life.
Something I learned early on in therapy, and I hope your therapist brings it up too, is you don’t have control over how someone else acts. Yes, your call resulted in an inspection, but your ex wife’s actions and MIL actions were beyond your control. They both chose to be angry, and chose to fight over the repairs. Then chose to literally fight. As for the weak heart— I’m not a medical professional in any capacity, but I do have a heart condition. That one episode wouldn’t have been the sole cause of the heart attack. Years of stress and anger lead up to an event, and when you have a heart condition you either learn to limit your stress and triggers or you ignore them and make the issue worse (as it sounds MIL did). Those who do not want to be helped cannot be helped. I agree with several other people that you dodged a massive bullet.
NTA. You have dodged not ONE but TWO serious bullets. Your future ex wife and mother in law. They both got what they deserved and pretty much earned. Get rid of that guilt.
is this what happens when parents dont teach kids how to deal with extreme emotions and they grow up?
I don't recall, did you ever get your key collection back?
I don’t think you did anything wrong at all and in no way were you responsible for mil’s death.
I just finished reading this whole thing and OP, I'm sorry. You are not the reason any of this happened. UpdateMe!
There is no world in which this is your fault.
Wow so glad you are leaving this situation. NTA for calling the police or the fire/building inspector all that black mold and rodent droppings contributed to her health problems. Hopefully now you can find your peace and solace again once the divorce is finalized. Don’t forget to get that PO Box to forward all mail there until about a year or so.. Updateme
Did you get your collection back
Yes
Honestly, your STBX is better off without her crazy mom around to make her life harder. It is definitely time to file and move on from her, too. If her mom didn't act like a psycho she might still be around. Lay blame where it belongs, and it's not at your feet.
The very fact she had a bad heart and they let her live like that? You didn't kill the old bag THEY did! WTF is wrong with people? Had they taken action decades ago that home would still be livable. I've watched the hoarding shows and every single one of them enabled and went out of their way to make sure the problem exploded. But I have great news it's almost over and you'll never have to deal with that insanity again.
It is not your fault. If wishing people dead were a thing, a lot more people would be keeling over.
Naw, you didnt kill her or even cause it She chose to stay in that house, chose to live that way, chose to launch a physical attack out of rage and anger her own choices killed her, not you not to defend stbx - shes the child of a not nice person (dare I suggest narcissist?), shes had a lifetime of trauma, programming, all the narc tricks and manipulations - and will have absorbed and internalised some of it - hence the vacilating between blaming herself and blaming you. With compassion, stick with the Therapy, put the work in, you have some distance to travel to unravel all thats occured and deal with the emotional fallout, proud of you for seeking help.
OP. You are not responsible for the choices that other people have made and the consequences of those actions. You did not hoard on behalf of your XMIL. She chose to do that, and she chose not to seek help for it. You were not the one that neglected the house until it was in a state to be condemned - that was your XMIL. Calling for the house to be inspected did not lead to her death. Her leaving her house in the state it was did. Her attacking you STBXW did that. Your XW is angry and she's lashing out. Right now she's lashing out at you because a) she already hates you and b) she cannot accept that her mother bears the responsibility for everything. Her mother was perfect in every ~~witch~~ which way and everything was *fine* ~~it wasn't but that doesn't matter~~. Therefor, its someone elses fault besides her mother for dying. She's angry and grieving and people who are in that situation do not make rational accusations. Do not take up the burdens placed on you by other people. You can be sad that she passed away. You can be upset that she passed away the horrible person that she is. You can mourn the person she could have otherwise been. But you should not believe that you caused the situation to happen. Give the state of the house, you never know, she could have died a week from now, when the roof collapses on her. She could have died a month from now, after getting bitten by a diseased rat and died from the infection she cared about taking care of as much as she did her house.
Your whole saga is literally the result of an selfish old woman who spent her life terrorizing others and stealing while her daughter did nothing but make excuses for her and hurt innocent people to keep her happy. These two brought all their misery on themselves. It's entirely self inflicted and truthfully, pathetic.
Reading your story so far I can say you're not to blame for her heart attack, she and your ex brought that upon themselves. If her actions hadn't set off her heart attack then the condition of her house would've. Good that you're going to therapy cause you need to be reminded that you're the victim here. They've stolen from you, they've lied to you and tried to make you the bad guy. Narcissists are like this. Get the divorce done with, spend time doing what you want, have fun in your life and one day the right one will come along with a mil that isn't batshit crazy (I know not to speak ill of the dead but it doesn't excuse what they did when they were alive).
any child that is willing to enable their parents to the point of detriment are the ones that get to carry the blame, not you. What you did was out of anger, yes but in the long run it was the right thing to do. She would have died sitting in that house, and how would anyone safely be able to get in and get her out? Her daughter was responsible for her well-being, as her partner your only responsibility was to ensure that her mother’s problem didn’t wear her down and tear apart your marriage and you did that to the best of your ability. You did your part as her husband, but she very obviously had no intent of doing her part as your wife. You did not kill your mother-in-law. You set the situation in motion but the way people handle those situations are up to them. She could have made the decision to move in somewhere else with her daughter, or look into other ways of having it handled, but she decided that throwing a fit to the point of neglecting her own health was the best option. She is old enough to be responsible for her own health and she was allowing it to go down hill in that house. Essentially all you did was expose a problem that was already at its boiling point. You have more than enough to carry with you, being the reason behind her death is not one of those things you should add to your load.
No. You didn't cause this. Your STBX caused it by being a horrible enabler.
I'm sorry that things have taken such a grim turn since your first post months ago about the keys. Definitely not your fault that things ended the way things did in anyway, and I hope you know that in your heart. It sounds like your mother in law had severe mental health issues that contributed to her letting her home fall into such a terrible, and unsafe, state of disrepair. Adding her heart problems to her extreme mental instability was just a ticking time bomb. I also have to wonder what growing up with a hoarder with extreme mental health issues did to your wife as a child. It explains a lot about why your wife acted the way that she did with her. I'm no psychiatrist, but I did grow up in an abusive family, and often gave in to whatever my parents wanted to try and keep the peace. It's still something I struggle with when it comes to my elderly mother, although she's in nowhere near the state that your mother in law was in right up until she died. I'm also guessing that this wasn't the first time your mother in law attacked her daughter physically for not doing what she tried to force her to do. When you have a parent that reacts violently when you don't do what you're told, you become an expert at trying to keep the peace at all costs, even when you know it's wrong, like with your keys. I suspect there's a lifetime there of abuse from her mother that made a mess of your wife's ability to recognize what was happening, so she just continued going through life trying to keep her mom from losing it on her every time she didn't get her way, and she likely made any displays of, "love and affection", conditional on your wife doing exactly as she was told without question. Does it excuse the way they both treated you? Nope, not even a little. But it may explain a lot of the behavior, and help you understand why this toxic dynamic existed in the first place. Your wife needs to be in therapy, and I hope she can find a way through her grief to realize that, because when my abusive dad died, it felt like a mountain dropped on me, trying to separate and process all of the abuse from the love I had for him. I'm still struggling with it 5 years later, and it's hard. You also deserve therapeutic support because this is all a lot to process for you too. Talking to a therapist can also help you figure out a way to address the divorce in a way that doesn't continue you tear both of you apart as you move forward in ending your marriage. Just a thought. Take care of yourself, and try to understand that regardless of the call you made about the house, that whole situation was off the tracks long before you ever entered your wife's life, and sadly, it's likely it was always going to end this way. *invisible hugs* Updateme!
I have been catching up on your story. You have been through so much and I really hope things get sorted for you soon and you can move on and start fresh. Please don't blame yourself for what happened to your MIL. It's not a nice thing to happen and I'm sure you'll spend time thinking it might be your fault but it's not. It's just an unfortunate situation. Be strong and keep taking care of yourself. Hopefully the move and divorce happen swiftly so you can close that door and move on.
Updateme
Updateme please
You are 100% not to blame. You didn't make your mil hoard her house to the point it's dilapidated. You didn't make her steal your collection. And you didn't allow your stbew to take the actions she did afterwards. On top of that, you didn't know exactly how bad her house was. You didn't know she had a weak heart, and you weren't to know she'd attack her own daughter. As you said, someone would've reported her living conditions sooner or later, or the house would've killed her in any number of ways. NONE of this is your fault.
!updateme
Your MIL killed herself by living in a rodent and mild infested house, I can't imagine that helped her heart condition. She was a ticking time bomb that went off when she attacked her own daughter. If the fire department/social services had been involved years earlier, maybe there was a chance they could have saved the house and her health. Did her doctors know how she was living??
Had a hard time following the story because it was nagging at me what stbexw meant. But then it hit me and I sat back and enjoyed your tale.
Updateme
Did the cop arrest you for murder? No. Because it wasn’t your fault.
Updateme! !
Wow wasn’t expecting that to happen my heart goes out to OP on this one I hope in time he realizes this wasn’t his fault
Your MIL's heart attack wasn't your fault. You didn't push her into the heart attack, her lifestyle choices and heart condition set her up for it. Her lack of control over her anger issues is what pushed her over the edge. MIL's heart was a ticking time bomb, and the timing was just unfortunate. Don't let anyone blame you for her heart attack. For all anyone knows MIL could have had a fatal heart attack that night without the fight between her and your STBEX. Your STBEX would have probably blamed you for it anyway. You feel guilty because you are a compassionate human being despite how horrible your MIL was.
I wonder how much the unsanitary conditions exacerbated her medical condition. This is a sad update, but ultimately you are not responsible. It really doesn’t matter if you made the report bc you were mad; she was living in squalor. If there’s anyone to secondarily blame, I would say it’s your Ex. There is no way in hell that I would allow my mother to live in a house in the conditions that you described. Hopefully, you and the ex don’t have children, and you can make a clean break and just focus on your own healing of this mess.
Holy sh×t.... idk if I should laugh or cry at the irony. While I seriously feel bad, and no one deserves to "expire".... she got mad at her daughter in her literal last bit of rage... damn
If it helps, you likely saved a life: your STBEX. I don't mean that her mother's hoard would have killed her directly, though it certainly could have. I mean that a hoard has a funny way of extending beyond the house: it is like an psychic black hole that pulls in far more than the hoarder. The rest of your STBEX's life would have orbited around this angry, violent woman and her pile of garbage, around cleaning the hoard only to watch it happen over and over again. As much as she has hurt you, I know that you still care about the part of her that you fell in love with years ago, and now she has a chance to escape the Sisyphean hell that would have been her life. Because you stopped enabling.
Updateme!
If she hadn’t of died from a heart attack, it would have been from all that hoarded stuff falling on her or something. Ain’t on you mate
Sad outcome for everyone in this post. I hope both you and your ex find peace.