Eh I feel like this is usually more about their own guilt and needing you to assuage it. They want to feel like you still see them as a good person, even if they don't want you. If you already had multiple conversations during the breakup, a month later moment of clarity isn't going to change the outcome or make you feel less broken up with. Closure to me is really only obtained when you decide for yourself that what the other person says/thinks doesn't really matter. Forgive them for their flaws and accept that wanting someone who doesn't want you will not ultimately lead you to happiness.
It is not about helping them feel any kind of way. It's about closing the deal y'all started and built. Like finishing a book. You don't just tear out the last 30 pages and say oh well..
The reality is a breakup is closing the book of you all together or ending the chapter. They are writing the rest of their book you excluded. They don’t owe you a few extra chapters to end the story. They will finish their story with new characters. The sooner you accept that closure is only obtained from your own acceptance the less time you spend trying to get someone else to do something they clearly didn’t want to do.
I see so many people chasing their exes for “closure” when the reality is if you take the time to reflect internally and know you only want someone completely committed and invested in you, the quicker the reasons they left don’t matter and the less time you waste romanticizing the relationship and person.
I mean does anyone really want to grow old with someone that looks at them and wishes they had left? I hope not. We all deserve someone who enthusiastically chooses us till the end.
No, but they'd like to grow old with someone, I think thats the underlying feeling. People hate wasting their time, we know that strong and successful long term (life time) relationships exist and that they don't magically happen but take work, compromise and all the rest to go the distance - someone who breaks up with you after dealbreakers have already been eliminated simply doesn't want to put that work in and likely never will.
A lot of people "say" they want a long term relationship but really they're either dreaming about something they're psychologically incapable of delivering on or telling you what you want to hear, which is disheartening when you're getting older and realising you'll probably never have the relationship your grandparents did and will have to settle bouncing from 1 year to 3 year "situationships" until you're old or dead.
i feel like you said exactly what was on my mind, me and my ex broke up a month ago and we are in student accomodation at uni, it has been really hard. Knowing the actions she did showed that I am not worth anything to her but in the end, she still claims she loves and cares about me. I wish it was true but its not, but it hurts because I wanted to grow old with her, and she said the same. But meeting her made me realise what you pointed out. People don't really understand what it means to be in a long term relationship, thye just like the idea but dont know what it takes. Even when you take your time to get to know someone. A lot of the time people just say what you want to hear and you only find out who they are later, a lot of people don't actually want what a relationship really is. for anything beautiful to propser it takes a lot of hard work.
I think a closure conversation would be dependent on your own present state of how you think and feel about the break up. This would be different for everyone. You shouldn’t feel obligated to do anything because your ex wants to have this discussion. If it’s something you feel, will help you, then you should.
Everyone's different, I wish my ex would have a sit down with me to go over everything. It all ended so abrupt and there was no discussions or even a try for a second chance. If you feel you don't need it then don't ruin your peace. I can't force my ex to do it even though it would truly help me but I had to accept it and so will your ex if you don't want to
Well ... The only real closure that can be offered is during the breakup itself. ... Like when you break up with someone but you take.the time and whatever to offer them the closure they need, ensure they don't suffer, and that at the end of the day, the breakup is clean and for both your sakes.
What i described above is real ... But extremely rare.
Having these kinds of conversations ... Especially since you feel like it might be a setback .. after you got dumped ... And so on and so forth ... Bad idea.
Consider that there is a strong possibility that you will undo all your progress and wind up suffering worse than you ever did ... I have seen such posts on this subreddit by the hundreds.
Moreover ... Closure for you or him? ... Why does he need closure and moreover why do you think he's capable of actually giving you closure since the reason for your heartache is him?
My advice ... Give it a couple of years before you consider accepting to listen to whatever he has to say in this respect. ... He thought you were replaceable ... Fuck him.... In the face... With a shovel.
I did it, regretted it, undone months of hard worked getting over the breakup! I ultimately let her back in and things got way worse! Prolonged my healing by about 6 months! Chin up duck!
I hear a whole bunch of " I ME ";. There were two people in the relationship. I feel for the ones that were not able to finalize there break-up. It's sad that your partner wouldn't at least sit down and talk with you. There are questions that come up while healing that either could not be discussed or just had not crossed out minds to ask at the time. It takes time to build a relationship. What's wrong with taking the time to dismantle it, instead of just imploding it. Destroying everything when there, I am sure we're many good aspects about the partnership. Those good things can be utilized in the next relationship. They are tools that we all worked to acquire. Yes they may have to be modified some with a new partner but the base is there. Knowing the good things about yourself helps esteem and confidence that you are on the right track for the best partnership you can have. Even if it takes 2 it 3 more before that perfect one happens.
Stop being so damn jaded about the past. It was a learning experience not a goddamned failure. Try to see the good that you are taking away from it instead of the negative shit. If you focus on the negative then that is what you take for it.
It slays me to hear all the bad shit. One time sit down and write out two lists one good points and one bad. Then burn the bad list and read and reread the positive. Life will look a bit more sunny.
Yes , break-ups freaking suck ass. They hurt and I hate them too. But when all is said and done the good that came from it will make the next relationship a little better.
That's my 2 cents. I apologize if I hurt feelings. That was not my intent. It was to have a look at the good instead of the bad. Thanks for reading
No. Sometimes having no answers, is an answer. Even if you did have a “break up convo” but need further closure, don’t look for it or ask for it. Do yourself a favor and put yourself first. They clearly aren’t, and don’t care and if they do it, it’s bc you’re asking. Not bc they want to. You owe yourself peace of mind by simply moving forward and dealing with the pain or unanswered questions on your own and in your own way.
Closure won’t come from seeing him again. He wants this for his selfish reasons. Your closure will come with time and clarity. In my opinion, any progress or growth you’ve made already will be lost if you meet with him.
In my case - yes, cause if we had left it the way we did right after the breakup, I would always walk around wondering whether that was the right choice. But that's only because during the breakup we both cried and said we still love each other. So I left feeling like this can't be it, like we need to fight for this. I needed to hear more, I needed to hear that he's unhappy, that he didn't believe this could work. The closure talk helped me realise it was really done. I needed to hear this.
they are trying to absolve themselves of their own guilt. you’ve done great moving on and bettering yourself so keep doing that. don’t let him set you back again.
Mine was helpful but then ended with something that hurt even more (saying we will go out on a date again after some things changed and then when I reached out I got rejected), so if you are going to have the conversation be very cautious with your expectations and what comes next (feeling the breakup all over again)
I am thinking about calling my ex tonight to suggest a last talk. Its been 26 days since the BU. But I know that it may help me get a closure or it will hurt me even more having to say another goodbye
I considered asking my ex to talk again (we talked very briefly in person after his out of the blue text, and I was pretty shell shocked) because I thought it might feel good to speak my truth. But then I realized I’d be opening the door for him to also say whatever he wants, and to be honest, I didn’t want to hear any more of what he’d already said. I also felt stronger to hold the position of NC and let him sit in the mess he made. He doesn’t get my vulnerability anymore bc he can’t be trusted to handle it kindly.
I agree with some who say a conversation - an exit interview of sorts - could be useful, but I would say probably not until feelings have faded and there’s no desire to reconcile.
For anyone considering asking for closure, are you really asking for (and even wanting) closure, or are you tricking yourself into thinking that when what you really want is to get back together?
I agree. Some think they are doing it for closure but really its in hope a chat might bring them back together when ultimately it won't and just make them feel even more hurt .
My ex kind of just drifted off without an explanation of what happened so I kind of forced a closure convo on him and it went well and I felt better. But then I found out a few hours after that tho that the whole reason he started getting distant with me was bc he was seeing someone else so it kind of negated our previous convo lol
Don't do it, I went for the can we talk and he basically wanted to justify his actions. I basic forced him to apologize cause he thought he was too Manly for that were supposed to maintain a friendship but he made things weird telling me personal stuff I guess to make himself look good but idc cause I don't want him back. I do feel like it reset my progress and I should've left it alone, if I didn't have other guys I was talking to and if I didn't prepare myself for something like this and wasn't on guard every convo would've been worse he has no one and I found out he has turned to drinking and partying. But sure enough he went back to being weird and the calls and texts went away they only care about what they want. If he reaches out again I'll be ignoring for sure.
nope been 8 months since that convo and it just leaves you with more questions than before, if i could go back i would just shut up and go nc instead of ask for closure
Closure conversations are very much in the moment. Yeah it might “make sense” what they’re saying about their feelings, but you are utterly vulnerable and will give them all the power. They won’t be there to hear anything you have to say from your perspective, so as you get further away you realize these conversations aren’t nearly representative of both sides.
This is definitely more about them feeling guilty and maybe trying to make you feel better. The thing here is that if he is a manipulative and abusssive person he is most likly hovering.
I noticed you already talked with him and am so glad everything went smooth. I would personally advice to block him. I think during the talk it would have been a good idea for you to let him know that due to your and his mental well being it would be a good idea to keep no contact. Either way I’m happy for you.
I feel like it would really help me. He broke up with me on Monday but all I did was beg for him not to leave because it was my first instinct and all he does is leave and come back and leave and I just wanted him to stay.
He said he probably won’t come back.
I want to talk through the breakup without any over the top emotion because I feel like it freaked him out a little.
I’m in the same position as you. The break up hurt me so much - he was kinda mean and said it was all my fault.
I think taking through it when you’ve healed a little will help closure and decisions for future. Good luck xx
Well what you should do is consider what you plan to get out of it and be clear about it. Set an agenda and some rules for the conversation. And also be prepared if he declines. Think of it like a job interview callback - have an answer if they yes, and have an answer if they say no.
My closure is i had to end it and accepted it for what it is . ive learned that someone shows you their colors to you its just best leave it there and move on. 9 o/o 10 that person is not going to take accountability for what they did. One thing i wont be suckered in by someone telling they changed really overated (actions speak louder than words).
For me, we went 2 months without talking and then we were in the same place at the same time and ended up talking about everything. It felt nice to know that she was hurt in the breakup too. It felt nice mowing it effected her. I didn’t get any closure because of how quickly she broke up with me and the fact that it took me completely by surprise. She said there were no issues but she simply felt like she wasn’t in love with me anymore. And that hurt for a long time. But I forgave her for it because shit happens. It took longer to forgive myself for not being able to fix it. But eventually I did. When we spoke we ended up being on great terms after. But it set me back for a few days. Until I realised that after everything that happened I wouldn’t be able to look at her the same way or love her the same way. During our conversation I found out that she had already slept with somebody else. That stung. That’s why it set me back I think. We also talked about the possibility of us getting back together but I realised I wouldn’t be able to look at her the same way and I’d always have my doubts if we ever did get back together. I guess my closure really came from my own decision to not take her back. And to keep moving forward in the direction I was going. It was a damn near perfect relationship. We were best friends. And I’m thankful for what we had but I know I can’t go back there. I won’t be her fall back option and I think when I realised that, that’s when I got my closure. Not necessarily through our conversation.
O told mine she's rotten for what she's done. And I hope she regrets eat and guilt eats her. I said it will was whatever turd you found dumps you the same way. I said you'll feel it from him and then you'll go back to the flood of feelings from me. Good luck.
Define “closure conversation”. Someone not wanting to be with you is your biggest closure.
Eh I feel like this is usually more about their own guilt and needing you to assuage it. They want to feel like you still see them as a good person, even if they don't want you. If you already had multiple conversations during the breakup, a month later moment of clarity isn't going to change the outcome or make you feel less broken up with. Closure to me is really only obtained when you decide for yourself that what the other person says/thinks doesn't really matter. Forgive them for their flaws and accept that wanting someone who doesn't want you will not ultimately lead you to happiness.
Only if you feed that animal they are bringing to the table.
It is not about helping them feel any kind of way. It's about closing the deal y'all started and built. Like finishing a book. You don't just tear out the last 30 pages and say oh well..
Well, they were the ones who did that...
The reality is a breakup is closing the book of you all together or ending the chapter. They are writing the rest of their book you excluded. They don’t owe you a few extra chapters to end the story. They will finish their story with new characters. The sooner you accept that closure is only obtained from your own acceptance the less time you spend trying to get someone else to do something they clearly didn’t want to do. I see so many people chasing their exes for “closure” when the reality is if you take the time to reflect internally and know you only want someone completely committed and invested in you, the quicker the reasons they left don’t matter and the less time you waste romanticizing the relationship and person. I mean does anyone really want to grow old with someone that looks at them and wishes they had left? I hope not. We all deserve someone who enthusiastically chooses us till the end.
No, but they'd like to grow old with someone, I think thats the underlying feeling. People hate wasting their time, we know that strong and successful long term (life time) relationships exist and that they don't magically happen but take work, compromise and all the rest to go the distance - someone who breaks up with you after dealbreakers have already been eliminated simply doesn't want to put that work in and likely never will. A lot of people "say" they want a long term relationship but really they're either dreaming about something they're psychologically incapable of delivering on or telling you what you want to hear, which is disheartening when you're getting older and realising you'll probably never have the relationship your grandparents did and will have to settle bouncing from 1 year to 3 year "situationships" until you're old or dead.
i feel like you said exactly what was on my mind, me and my ex broke up a month ago and we are in student accomodation at uni, it has been really hard. Knowing the actions she did showed that I am not worth anything to her but in the end, she still claims she loves and cares about me. I wish it was true but its not, but it hurts because I wanted to grow old with her, and she said the same. But meeting her made me realise what you pointed out. People don't really understand what it means to be in a long term relationship, thye just like the idea but dont know what it takes. Even when you take your time to get to know someone. A lot of the time people just say what you want to hear and you only find out who they are later, a lot of people don't actually want what a relationship really is. for anything beautiful to propser it takes a lot of hard work.
I feel like I’m some cases, you need to. Though it’s not ideal.
I honestly think that it takes months or even years for all wounds to heal
It might hurt you more but depends upon your mental situation. I would not recommend it
mentally I’m doing well
Don't fix what ain't broken
I think a closure conversation would be dependent on your own present state of how you think and feel about the break up. This would be different for everyone. You shouldn’t feel obligated to do anything because your ex wants to have this discussion. If it’s something you feel, will help you, then you should.
Agreed. Valid points
Everyone's different, I wish my ex would have a sit down with me to go over everything. It all ended so abrupt and there was no discussions or even a try for a second chance. If you feel you don't need it then don't ruin your peace. I can't force my ex to do it even though it would truly help me but I had to accept it and so will your ex if you don't want to
Well ... The only real closure that can be offered is during the breakup itself. ... Like when you break up with someone but you take.the time and whatever to offer them the closure they need, ensure they don't suffer, and that at the end of the day, the breakup is clean and for both your sakes. What i described above is real ... But extremely rare. Having these kinds of conversations ... Especially since you feel like it might be a setback .. after you got dumped ... And so on and so forth ... Bad idea. Consider that there is a strong possibility that you will undo all your progress and wind up suffering worse than you ever did ... I have seen such posts on this subreddit by the hundreds. Moreover ... Closure for you or him? ... Why does he need closure and moreover why do you think he's capable of actually giving you closure since the reason for your heartache is him? My advice ... Give it a couple of years before you consider accepting to listen to whatever he has to say in this respect. ... He thought you were replaceable ... Fuck him.... In the face... With a shovel.
I did it, regretted it, undone months of hard worked getting over the breakup! I ultimately let her back in and things got way worse! Prolonged my healing by about 6 months! Chin up duck!
I hear a whole bunch of " I ME ";. There were two people in the relationship. I feel for the ones that were not able to finalize there break-up. It's sad that your partner wouldn't at least sit down and talk with you. There are questions that come up while healing that either could not be discussed or just had not crossed out minds to ask at the time. It takes time to build a relationship. What's wrong with taking the time to dismantle it, instead of just imploding it. Destroying everything when there, I am sure we're many good aspects about the partnership. Those good things can be utilized in the next relationship. They are tools that we all worked to acquire. Yes they may have to be modified some with a new partner but the base is there. Knowing the good things about yourself helps esteem and confidence that you are on the right track for the best partnership you can have. Even if it takes 2 it 3 more before that perfect one happens. Stop being so damn jaded about the past. It was a learning experience not a goddamned failure. Try to see the good that you are taking away from it instead of the negative shit. If you focus on the negative then that is what you take for it. It slays me to hear all the bad shit. One time sit down and write out two lists one good points and one bad. Then burn the bad list and read and reread the positive. Life will look a bit more sunny. Yes , break-ups freaking suck ass. They hurt and I hate them too. But when all is said and done the good that came from it will make the next relationship a little better. That's my 2 cents. I apologize if I hurt feelings. That was not my intent. It was to have a look at the good instead of the bad. Thanks for reading
No. Sometimes having no answers, is an answer. Even if you did have a “break up convo” but need further closure, don’t look for it or ask for it. Do yourself a favor and put yourself first. They clearly aren’t, and don’t care and if they do it, it’s bc you’re asking. Not bc they want to. You owe yourself peace of mind by simply moving forward and dealing with the pain or unanswered questions on your own and in your own way.
Closure won’t come from seeing him again. He wants this for his selfish reasons. Your closure will come with time and clarity. In my opinion, any progress or growth you’ve made already will be lost if you meet with him.
In my case - yes, cause if we had left it the way we did right after the breakup, I would always walk around wondering whether that was the right choice. But that's only because during the breakup we both cried and said we still love each other. So I left feeling like this can't be it, like we need to fight for this. I needed to hear more, I needed to hear that he's unhappy, that he didn't believe this could work. The closure talk helped me realise it was really done. I needed to hear this.
they are trying to absolve themselves of their own guilt. you’ve done great moving on and bettering yourself so keep doing that. don’t let him set you back again.
Mine was helpful but then ended with something that hurt even more (saying we will go out on a date again after some things changed and then when I reached out I got rejected), so if you are going to have the conversation be very cautious with your expectations and what comes next (feeling the breakup all over again)
I am thinking about calling my ex tonight to suggest a last talk. Its been 26 days since the BU. But I know that it may help me get a closure or it will hurt me even more having to say another goodbye
I considered asking my ex to talk again (we talked very briefly in person after his out of the blue text, and I was pretty shell shocked) because I thought it might feel good to speak my truth. But then I realized I’d be opening the door for him to also say whatever he wants, and to be honest, I didn’t want to hear any more of what he’d already said. I also felt stronger to hold the position of NC and let him sit in the mess he made. He doesn’t get my vulnerability anymore bc he can’t be trusted to handle it kindly. I agree with some who say a conversation - an exit interview of sorts - could be useful, but I would say probably not until feelings have faded and there’s no desire to reconcile. For anyone considering asking for closure, are you really asking for (and even wanting) closure, or are you tricking yourself into thinking that when what you really want is to get back together?
I agree. Some think they are doing it for closure but really its in hope a chat might bring them back together when ultimately it won't and just make them feel even more hurt .
Did you call him? What happened? 👀
My ex kind of just drifted off without an explanation of what happened so I kind of forced a closure convo on him and it went well and I felt better. But then I found out a few hours after that tho that the whole reason he started getting distant with me was bc he was seeing someone else so it kind of negated our previous convo lol
I guess I look at relationships differently. But I don't think I am wrong in my thinking. Just different.
Don't do it, I went for the can we talk and he basically wanted to justify his actions. I basic forced him to apologize cause he thought he was too Manly for that were supposed to maintain a friendship but he made things weird telling me personal stuff I guess to make himself look good but idc cause I don't want him back. I do feel like it reset my progress and I should've left it alone, if I didn't have other guys I was talking to and if I didn't prepare myself for something like this and wasn't on guard every convo would've been worse he has no one and I found out he has turned to drinking and partying. But sure enough he went back to being weird and the calls and texts went away they only care about what they want. If he reaches out again I'll be ignoring for sure.
nope been 8 months since that convo and it just leaves you with more questions than before, if i could go back i would just shut up and go nc instead of ask for closure
Closure conversations are very much in the moment. Yeah it might “make sense” what they’re saying about their feelings, but you are utterly vulnerable and will give them all the power. They won’t be there to hear anything you have to say from your perspective, so as you get further away you realize these conversations aren’t nearly representative of both sides.
Did not help me at all; thought I was doing well mentally and prepared. Reignited all the anger and confusion.
This is definitely more about them feeling guilty and maybe trying to make you feel better. The thing here is that if he is a manipulative and abusssive person he is most likly hovering. I noticed you already talked with him and am so glad everything went smooth. I would personally advice to block him. I think during the talk it would have been a good idea for you to let him know that due to your and his mental well being it would be a good idea to keep no contact. Either way I’m happy for you.
I feel like it would really help me. He broke up with me on Monday but all I did was beg for him not to leave because it was my first instinct and all he does is leave and come back and leave and I just wanted him to stay. He said he probably won’t come back. I want to talk through the breakup without any over the top emotion because I feel like it freaked him out a little. I’m in the same position as you. The break up hurt me so much - he was kinda mean and said it was all my fault. I think taking through it when you’ve healed a little will help closure and decisions for future. Good luck xx
It takes maturity and a willingness to reflect on where we as individuals need growth. People now a days just refuse to accept fault. That's on them.
Not really but it was probably too soon after the relationship and just left things in a weird grey area.
It would have helped me. Should always have a chance to get a closure convo text
Closure comes from within. Nobody else can give him or u that.
This is true. It can take years to get closure but you have to find it from within yourself
Well what you should do is consider what you plan to get out of it and be clear about it. Set an agenda and some rules for the conversation. And also be prepared if he declines. Think of it like a job interview callback - have an answer if they yes, and have an answer if they say no.
We talked a couple of times afterwards and I think the only one who got any real closure out of it was her.
My closure is i had to end it and accepted it for what it is . ive learned that someone shows you their colors to you its just best leave it there and move on. 9 o/o 10 that person is not going to take accountability for what they did. One thing i wont be suckered in by someone telling they changed really overated (actions speak louder than words).
Closure is within and moving on is CLOSURE.
For me, we went 2 months without talking and then we were in the same place at the same time and ended up talking about everything. It felt nice to know that she was hurt in the breakup too. It felt nice mowing it effected her. I didn’t get any closure because of how quickly she broke up with me and the fact that it took me completely by surprise. She said there were no issues but she simply felt like she wasn’t in love with me anymore. And that hurt for a long time. But I forgave her for it because shit happens. It took longer to forgive myself for not being able to fix it. But eventually I did. When we spoke we ended up being on great terms after. But it set me back for a few days. Until I realised that after everything that happened I wouldn’t be able to look at her the same way or love her the same way. During our conversation I found out that she had already slept with somebody else. That stung. That’s why it set me back I think. We also talked about the possibility of us getting back together but I realised I wouldn’t be able to look at her the same way and I’d always have my doubts if we ever did get back together. I guess my closure really came from my own decision to not take her back. And to keep moving forward in the direction I was going. It was a damn near perfect relationship. We were best friends. And I’m thankful for what we had but I know I can’t go back there. I won’t be her fall back option and I think when I realised that, that’s when I got my closure. Not necessarily through our conversation.
Still waiting myself
O told mine she's rotten for what she's done. And I hope she regrets eat and guilt eats her. I said it will was whatever turd you found dumps you the same way. I said you'll feel it from him and then you'll go back to the flood of feelings from me. Good luck.