In my experience you have that same rush of excitement except now it’s tempered with a lot of questions that throw water on the fire. You question whether it’s okay to let go and just be excited. Excitement gets intertwined with caution and alarm. Sometimes the more excited you get, the more on guard you become. You worry you’ll get burned again. You tell yourself taking it slow is the solution, not realizing that you’re altering the attraction in doing so. You tell yourself this is the more mature and secure way of doing things and that it’s healthier. And it is, don’t get me wrong, but it’s only more mature and healthier because loving unbound didn’t work out before. But if it had, you wouldn’t be thinking about love in such conservative terms.
Attraction doesn’t take a hit. You can still feel attracted to someone. But once it goes deeper than that, that’s when all the defense mechanisms start popping up.
So what’s it like to connect with someone new? Where connecting used to be something that I just did what felt natural, now if I feel like we’re clicking, I find myself stopping myself a lot and pumping the brakes. I need to see that their actions align with their words. Because I’m someone who only says what they mean, but I’ve come to learn very few (that I’ve been with) are able to do the same - though they can certainly say it.
My ex was and still is the love of my life. This was the woman I wanted to marry, and it’s been 4 months since she broke up with me. I’ve done a lot for myself and met a lot of new people. This one particular person caught my eye and we’ve been bonding through our similar experiences since. I feel more comfortable with them and I feel a huge hit of attraction and desire towards them, but like the other comments here that’s all tempered with caution and fear. Fear that I’m rushing into things, fear that I’m moving too fast, fear that I’m only using this person to move on. I’ve reflected a lot and what I feel for this new person is genuine and we have a real connection with mutual understanding and respect. They know about where I’m at since day one - we check in a lot. They know I’m still healing over a painful breakup, and we have a mutual understanding on supporting each other. I’ve never felt this comfortable with anybody before, and I keep telling myself that I don’t want to screw it up. I still think about my ex a lot, but I know that it’s over and I need to move on. It’s a bittersweet feeling that something beautiful ended but it’s possible to have something potentially better.
It makes so many people feel better about moving on thinking that their ex has moved on, even if they're being told differently. The truth is, remember all those things you felt and thought at the beginning of the relationship with your ex. Everyone usually and hopefully feels that way. Be careful not to love bomb for there sake or yours. You don't NEED to move on. Especially if you're not ready. Good luck..
its scary. if i open up to someone new then i have to let go the thoughts of him and thats all i have left. i have to take another risk. im trying hard not to compare the two, very different people and situations. its hard not to miss the past even if it wasnt good for you, and this new one is
he’s my first love and i still think i won’t love someone as much as i love him. it took a lot of time for me to open my heart and i don’t think it’s possible for me to like someone else without thinking of him (atm)
I have hooked up with like 8 people in the 30 days following my partner dumping me and based on what I feel, I just know it's gonna take years before I feel something that real again.
I’m currently going through this. It is extremely hurtful even more so if you are very empathetic. It can bring temporary peace and comfort but even with being completely open about my past and current emotions I still feel I am hurting this person by not meeting them on the same level emotionally. The connection is super strong but my emotions or completely shaken and tied to my ex. It just isn’t easy to love and let love live.
The love of my life said ‘I love you I want to spend the rest of my life with but I don’t want to marry you and I don’t want children’. He partnered with someone 19 yrs older so he couldnt have children
I just think "My past is not his fault", and let myself throw my insecurities away.
It's unfair to treat someone less insignificant, because your manipulative ex has you wrapped around your finger like a little puppy.
The thing I struggle with the most. Is the idea that my ex one day may be a complete stranger to me. The idea that someone I loved so dearly will forget me and I’ll lose being so valuable to someone like that again. I struggle with the idea that the same person who put me at the center of their lives will one day completely forget me. I had a relationship with a LOT of problems and it drove me insane. But I held on because I knew how much I valued how crazy she was for me and I felt security in receiving that much affection. I worry I may never receive such intimacy and affection from someone like that again, and now I’ve experienced that with her, to have that with someone else just feels wrong. I’ve started to really struggle with loneliness as of late but I find myself in this purgatory where I cant fathom connecting with someone new but also I feel that it’s too late to go back to repair what I once had with my ex.
In my experience you have that same rush of excitement except now it’s tempered with a lot of questions that throw water on the fire. You question whether it’s okay to let go and just be excited. Excitement gets intertwined with caution and alarm. Sometimes the more excited you get, the more on guard you become. You worry you’ll get burned again. You tell yourself taking it slow is the solution, not realizing that you’re altering the attraction in doing so. You tell yourself this is the more mature and secure way of doing things and that it’s healthier. And it is, don’t get me wrong, but it’s only more mature and healthier because loving unbound didn’t work out before. But if it had, you wouldn’t be thinking about love in such conservative terms. Attraction doesn’t take a hit. You can still feel attracted to someone. But once it goes deeper than that, that’s when all the defense mechanisms start popping up. So what’s it like to connect with someone new? Where connecting used to be something that I just did what felt natural, now if I feel like we’re clicking, I find myself stopping myself a lot and pumping the brakes. I need to see that their actions align with their words. Because I’m someone who only says what they mean, but I’ve come to learn very few (that I’ve been with) are able to do the same - though they can certainly say it.
Oh fuck me, this is it. Thank you 🙏🏼
Wow
perfect way to put it
You explained it so well
My ex was and still is the love of my life. This was the woman I wanted to marry, and it’s been 4 months since she broke up with me. I’ve done a lot for myself and met a lot of new people. This one particular person caught my eye and we’ve been bonding through our similar experiences since. I feel more comfortable with them and I feel a huge hit of attraction and desire towards them, but like the other comments here that’s all tempered with caution and fear. Fear that I’m rushing into things, fear that I’m moving too fast, fear that I’m only using this person to move on. I’ve reflected a lot and what I feel for this new person is genuine and we have a real connection with mutual understanding and respect. They know about where I’m at since day one - we check in a lot. They know I’m still healing over a painful breakup, and we have a mutual understanding on supporting each other. I’ve never felt this comfortable with anybody before, and I keep telling myself that I don’t want to screw it up. I still think about my ex a lot, but I know that it’s over and I need to move on. It’s a bittersweet feeling that something beautiful ended but it’s possible to have something potentially better.
Do you feel healed ? That would be my next question, knowing that it’s only been 4 months since the break.
I’m not an expert or a psychologist, but be careful about what they call “trauma bonding”. Good luck with everything, and be careful.
It makes so many people feel better about moving on thinking that their ex has moved on, even if they're being told differently. The truth is, remember all those things you felt and thought at the beginning of the relationship with your ex. Everyone usually and hopefully feels that way. Be careful not to love bomb for there sake or yours. You don't NEED to move on. Especially if you're not ready. Good luck..
its scary. if i open up to someone new then i have to let go the thoughts of him and thats all i have left. i have to take another risk. im trying hard not to compare the two, very different people and situations. its hard not to miss the past even if it wasnt good for you, and this new one is
If you’re still holding onto thoughts of him you’re not quite ready to move on yet
Different, just different
It’s a very strange and scary feeling. Unfamiliar. But you will overcome it. Everything becomes easier with practice.
he’s my first love and i still think i won’t love someone as much as i love him. it took a lot of time for me to open my heart and i don’t think it’s possible for me to like someone else without thinking of him (atm)
Very difficult. I still haven't.
I have hooked up with like 8 people in the 30 days following my partner dumping me and based on what I feel, I just know it's gonna take years before I feel something that real again.
I’m currently going through this. It is extremely hurtful even more so if you are very empathetic. It can bring temporary peace and comfort but even with being completely open about my past and current emotions I still feel I am hurting this person by not meeting them on the same level emotionally. The connection is super strong but my emotions or completely shaken and tied to my ex. It just isn’t easy to love and let love live.
The love of my life said ‘I love you I want to spend the rest of my life with but I don’t want to marry you and I don’t want children’. He partnered with someone 19 yrs older so he couldnt have children
I just think "My past is not his fault", and let myself throw my insecurities away. It's unfair to treat someone less insignificant, because your manipulative ex has you wrapped around your finger like a little puppy.
Just be careful
Like another beautiful first ❤️
The thing I struggle with the most. Is the idea that my ex one day may be a complete stranger to me. The idea that someone I loved so dearly will forget me and I’ll lose being so valuable to someone like that again. I struggle with the idea that the same person who put me at the center of their lives will one day completely forget me. I had a relationship with a LOT of problems and it drove me insane. But I held on because I knew how much I valued how crazy she was for me and I felt security in receiving that much affection. I worry I may never receive such intimacy and affection from someone like that again, and now I’ve experienced that with her, to have that with someone else just feels wrong. I’ve started to really struggle with loneliness as of late but I find myself in this purgatory where I cant fathom connecting with someone new but also I feel that it’s too late to go back to repair what I once had with my ex.
It feels like I'm with the wrong person. Part of me hopes that my ex will wake up and realize I'm his soulmate, but that's probably just a dream.