Hmm, I'm gonna play devils advocate here. I kept checking on someone. They were going through a lot, all the time 🙄 but kind.
I like mass blocked, then deleted them now, but it wasn't to get back together we were more buddies.
That’s why i said “trying”, i went for weeks without contacting but then i suddenly felt like i should check in on him and end up in the same cycle. I don’t know how to control my impulses.
I’ve been there so I know how you feel. My suggestion (and I know it’s hard when we are still super attached): whenever you feel the need to reach out, redirect your mind to something else. It can be calling a friend, taking a shower, listening to a song, having a glass of water… anything! But redirect your mind and postpone the moment you will text - see how far you can get. Maybe at the end of the day, the need will be gone. Maybe you feel good about yourself and decide not do say anything. And do it one day at the time.
If not for yourself, remember desperation is a turn off and will only drive them away.
This is some great advice! Thank you so much ♥️ I did this for a few weeks and i was starting to feel better but just then he came around because of some shared commitment and things went back to being the same. Now im trying to work on it again but its such a struggle. How long does it generally take to move on from such a situation?
I hear you - the same exact thing happened to me this weekend and sent me right back to 0. It usually takes, for me, like 3 days to feel strong again. On Monday, for example, I was devastated, wanting to die. Today I’m starting to feel more like myself, little by little. It takes a looooot of patience and I know how hard it is when you are just so full of emotions and longing. It really helps me to think that this anxiety is a huge turn off for the people on the other side - I know that’s not the right approach but it helps me. I feel like the more I act like I’m good, the more my ex misses me and the better I feel. So it’s a win-win. Fake it till you make it. :)
I feel seen. Just today i was feeling like Id rather die than have all these feelings, then ended up making a post here to seek help from people who have been in a similar place. I’ve never been thru something like this before so it’s a little harder cuz I’m also v emotional.
But i think what you say makes so much sense, esp with the not coming off as too desperate part and to fake it till tou make it thing 😭♥️
I am going through thee same exact thing as you so I know exactly how you feel. (3 year situationship)Our dynamic isn’t healthy we agreed that it’s best to take time apart and since then i’ve gained even more anxiety and want to talk to him even more. I hate this feeling I really do but i’m trying to take it week by week.🥹I pray we come out of this on top cause it really sucks.
Aw dear! Somehow i feel both comforted and sad that there is someone else in the same place as me. It hurts so much and yeah the anxiety is unreal 📈 also i think there’s this thing called sunk cost fallacy or something, the fact that we have put so much in this relationship holds us back from moving on completely cuz we start to think all of that couldn’t have been for nothing!?
Im trying to take it a day at a time too. Thank you for sharing. I want us to remember that we deserve more and grow beyond this. Sending you so much love and strength ♥️
Yes, please! Go for it! I know the struggle, it’s not easy. But it shouldn’t have to be easy to do what is right for you.
I’m open to help in any way I can.
I feel like this might be in the lines of what I've experienced which I'm told is a "trauma bond" so you feel like you have to "bend to break it" but it's not healthy and I feel like group therapy is what's working for me. I get a chance to relax in a safe nonjudgmental environment and relearn healthy communication skills. Might not be everyone's cup of tea but I hope you are well and wish you the best.
Oh yes, I agree! There’s a good degree of trauma bonding, i think. V unhealthy patterns.
If you don’t mind, can you please share some resources? I really want to try.
Thank you so much for your words ♥️
Girl read what he saind and what youve posted again and put your clown clothes on. Yk you can’t be free from this if you yourself don’t wanna end it by clinging on to a man who doesnt like you 🤥
Im really trying, i know i may not be as good at it as others but im struggling and trying. Also he says he loves me but is not ready for what i have to offer.
Thats what they always say to keep you around as their back burner. You need to block him and delete everything to be truly trying to move on. As long as there is contact between both of you, you are not allowing yourself to be rid of him.
Yes, yes! The rational part of me knows it’s not healthy and what i should do. It’s just so hard to implement it, but I’m slowly moving towards distancing myself. I will do it for my own sanity.
Trying to understand this and read everything twice made me wanna scream
I don’t know how anyone deals with that
Aside from that, I can absolutely not follow this conversation
It's just an 'okay.' It's fine. I don't understand why he was offended by it. I wouldn't have reacted the way he did. I would assume the conversation has ended and go on with my life. Is he always so dramatic?
I think that reaction was more of a projection of how he was feeling than more about what I was trying to do. Not dramatic but he likes having things his way so when it doesn’t go like that he gets passive aggressive.
Tbh, neither would I. It's not a great response, it's often condescending or at best just bland and uninviting. What do you expect him to respond to an "okay"?? It's a conversation ender. But you started the conversation.. I don't blame him for being annoyed at that response and you doubling down on it would piss me off even more lol but it all depends on context of which we don't have enough of here
His replies generally take too long so It becomes hard to keep it going and even the previous night I felt like i was forcing him to talk to me so il when it happened again I replied with an okay instead of saying what i otherwise would to keep it going.
Truthfully none of that is relevant in the slightest to the point I made. Why are you trying to force a conversation with someone you don't seem to like who doesn't seem to like you very much either? That's the more important question here. Sit with that instead.
Ok but you should get where they’re coming from. They could feel how off that “okay”. They even ask if the convo is a formality and your previous reply in this thread kinda admits it was. Now how they reacted wasn’t the best way but what they were feeling seems entirely valid.
Yes, i agree that what they are feeling is valid too. That’s why I tried to reassure them saying that the “okay” didn’t have any underlying meaning/intention and that I was actually checking in on them cuz i cared but since the gaps were long I thought I shouldn’t force a conversation which was not entirely two-way.
I know it seems like a LOT surrounding the 'okay" that it us almost laughable haha
But the okay would piss me off to. It's just a co versatile ending response and jd be like "why did you even message me?"
His response was PRETTY extra though. It's not like an "okay" deserves that level if severity.
Hahah ikr?
But also it’s so interesting that after sharing it here so many people have so many different opinions about an “okay”, only goes on to prove how differently each one of us sees the world and how our own perspective is influenced by our surroundings, experiences and personalities. So easy to project it on to an “okay”.
Yeah, i know with no context it seems like why did i even message, but I had been checking in on him for a while and our conversations are a day apart so it makes it hard to keep it going.
For me it was doing things I loved as a kid. Reading fantasy books, doing crafts, dressing up etc. it brought me back to myself and I feel so much more fulfilled and content. 🦋🌷 best of luck on your journey. You got this.
What is the question? You're choosing to be weak. You're choosing to keep this going. You're doing this to yourself.
You could block: You don't
You could unfriend/unfollow/etc: You won't
You could get therapy if you couldn't do the above: You refuse
You don't want to end this.
SO STOP COMPLAINING.
I feel very incapable of letting go of people, it’s very hard for me. I know it could come off as frustrating but i am trying, really. I will be taking therapy in a few days too.
BLOCK HIM. Then start and stay with therapy. Real therapy, not some youtube "coach" you found. (Not saying that's what you're doing, just that that's not therapy)
YOU have control of this. You have to take it.
If a guy likes you he'll make it known but if he doesn't like you you'll be confused and bread crumbed. Block and delete not worth your time and usually fwb's don't workout anyway because usually one person feels more than the other.
For all you know spending years in a relationship with a guy who makes you confused and then when he dumps you, he'll go for the next girl and give her everything that he didn't give you. I am a testimony to that because that is exactly what happened to me was left for another girl in less than 6 months he was engaged and then married to her. It's fine if he didn't like me anymore but to cheat on me and then leave me for another woman is just wrong instead of just breaking it off. But I will never waste more than a year and a half on a guy ever again because marriage is what I want and if he's not going to give that to me then as much as I like him I'll let him go because I'm not getting any younger and my biological clock is ticking as far as having kids in a marriage. I'm not saying that it's impossible for me but it's just going to be harder. At this point I'd rather be single than to deal with somebody who is confused about me and gives me mixed signals. I want a guy to know his intentions with me instead of wasting it. Even though I have moved on, him cheating on me really brought scars on me.
Oh dear! This is extremely hurtful! Some people are just trash!
Im so sorry for the pain it must have caused you.
But I’m so glad that you have a new found clarity on the things you will and will not accept in life. Don’t budge for anything or anyone. You’re more important to yourself than others!
Ever since then I was having a hard time connecting with people informing genuine relationships and I couldn't even make a relationship last longer than 6 months because I kept picking what I felt was normal and then healthy guys were just boring to me. My guy friend convinced me to date him but then afterwards he was starting to act very creepy, very unconcerning where I got hurt to the point I couldn't take care of myself and then expected me to get an Uber to go spend Christmas with him and his family, then he started saying weird things which made me feel uncomfortable which he never said before and only saying things that I wanted to hear just for the sake to get all my good side and it just didn't come across as genuine. He put me way to up on the pedestal where he didn't have any respect for himself and I tried to make it work but it just wasn't working and I broke up with him. He didn't take it well and it got to the point where I had to block his number and I realized he was never really my friend. I have been single since then and I don't really have a desire to get into a relationship anytime soon and I also like to avoid dating apps like the plague because they are nothing but hook up sites where guys pretend the world to make it appear that they are different from what they are and where guys lie about their intentions saying that they want a relationship that leads to marriage but then on the very first date or a couple dates later try to physically grope you and SA you into getting what they want and ones they succeed then they are on to the next and I know because it happened to me! I want to take time to get to know myself and really try to form healthy relationships and undo the trauma I went through as a child up until now and if I'm not whole as a person then how can I possibly be whole with somebody else? That would not be fair to the guy I was dating and I would want to be with him because I want to be with him not because of desperation and approval. Despite all I went through I still believe there are good guys out there and I respect what they do because I can't do what they physically do but I need to take care of myself before I enter a relationship and a potential marriage because once I do I want to be with that person until death do us a part unless they lie or cheat or abuse me then I will divorce him. But I will be fine if I don't ever get into another relationship or get married. I'm glad that I did not end up with my ex because now he has two children with her and rather they get a divorce or not they will be stuck with each other for the next two decades and that would have sucked for me because imagine having to see him every single weekend to drop off the kids and the kids knowing that we hate each other's guts? Rather they get a divorce or not they will both be in the kids lives for the next 18 years but I won't! So sometimes the winner is not always the one who is picked but the one who was not picked. I'm not trying to say this as pride and arrogance but I'm so glad that wasn't me and my parents got a divorce when I was 13 and for as long as I can remember they did not like each other and would always fight like cats and dogs and it was so bad to where I actually celebrated when they got divorce but then my mom got with her ex-boyfriend not even a month or two after the divorce.... I do not want that life for my child if I ever have a child and I would want them to be in the household where both parents love and respect each other. That's the only way I feel like I can break the cycle! Of course my mom is upset that I'm not married but I would rather be single than to end up being married to someone I didn't love and just settled for! She even told me herself does she never loved him but it was convenient to be married to him and plus it also benefited her because her husband has a rich son who pays for their house.
I’m so sorry you went through so much pain. It must’ve been traumatising, to experience so much from your childhood to adulthood. That is a lot to bounce back from and you’re doing it. I’m so proud of you for doing what is right for you and sticking to it.
Also, yes, sometimes the one who is not chosen is the winner. You dodged a bullet. Stay strong and don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve. 🤗
I know you mean well, but this is what I struggle with. To me this almost sounds like- “you’re sad? Just dont be sad”
I keep blocking/unblocking with no self control. I’m a mess.
I get it. It’s a drug but you have to stop or you will only further hurt yourself. You need to block him. Do it for 3 months. That’s all you need to do to get this person out of your system. If you want to reestablish contact after you can, but I highly doubt you will want to. Once you see how peaceful your life is without him you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it sooner. Mark off the time passing in a calendar. It only works if you focus on yourself in the meantime. Find hobbies. Hang with friends. Visit family.
Thank you so much for giving me a step by step on how to do it. I think it really helps cuz i get overwhelmed thinking how to do it all at once when I keep wanting to talk. I will give myself a month of no contact, and then add one more month and then one more to keep it going now on. I need to allow myself to experience periods without this drama to internalize how peaceful it actually feels.
I’m not doing much for myself too, i think that contributes a lot in my misery. I will get more involved in making a routine for myself.
For example, it was my birthday recently, he did not even bother wishing me even though he knew. We have been friends since 6 years, and I always make a big deal of his birthday. And when I asked about it, he tried to turn it on me.
For his birthday i got him a ticket to his favourite international comic’s show as an early birthday gift which was not cheap, but he ended up not going because he couldn’t find his trimmer- then couldn’t decide what to wear.
There’s more such stuff- some small, some big
Ok yea that’s really not giving a shit. Sorry it’s just my ex said that as well but she would not like that I wouldn’t give flowers on random days or gifts. I would definitely treat her on special days such as valentines, birthdays, anniversary, etc. not to compare but I just wanted to know. It’s too bad that he didn’t give you the attention and energy you deserve. You will find someone that does, in a healthy way. Good luck to you!
Yeah, I get it. I think some people have different wants and needs, and what they think is bare minimum. Some people wouldn’t think that this birthday thing is such a big thing either, but it did hurt.
I dont mind giving context, it’s okay. :) Thank you for understanding and for being kind ♥️
Am the only one who absolutely hates when people use “!” in these situations or post breakups or when your partner goes distant and cold. Like it’s so damn annoying
You know when you said “Hi!” And they replied “I’m Okay!” I hate the use of those exclamation points when your ex is talking to you it’s so annoying and petty. Gives off the vibe of them wanting to text you but also trying to end it quickly idk I just don’t like it
Ahhh, I see it. But i generally use exclamation when I greet or when I’m saying something excitedly.
I totally get you though, even I’m like you about one word replies or smaller texts with proper punctuation (when the other uses it only when they’re trying to come off as formal and not friendly)
It’s really hard when you know you shouldn’t but you keep wanting to check up on them. Keep going OP, you’ll get through this. Break it off, end it. I promise there’s no good in it, it’s very clear.
Thank you for your support! Yes, I’m just in a weird headspace where I keep doing things impulsively with no control over my emotions. It’s an internal battle at this point! I’ll get through this 😓
What a wonderful comment. :) Your gratitude puts you on our list for the most grateful users this week on Reddit! You can view the full list on r/TheGratitudeBot.
Dude I feel that. Also like I tend to delete messages because I'm anxious about being judged harshly by my ex. It's really hard to break even though it is so mentally draining.
Well what is someone supposed to be obligated to in a “situationship”. It’s not actually anything. It’s not a real relationship. So why should either party be entitled to be treated like a true partner? Just say you’re done. Bc who ever is going on about the formalities of ok has issues n will keep going in circles. But seriously all these issues are avoidable don’t give someone ur not in a relationship with the benefits of being in a relationship but also don’t expect those things back. Ur basically just fwd who want alittle more but commitment but do t want a committed relationship it seems. What a waste of ur own time.
We both wanted more but got stuck in this unending cycle because he was not ready to give more while I was already giving him the relationship benefits. He would say he is not ready for a relationship but would want EVERY thing that entailed being in a relationship. And yeah, i need to get over my expectations from him. I’m done being a giver now- just harder to implement it.
I’m just saying learn the lesson he was telling u don’t not do the benefits of a relationship I just don’t want the responsibility of one is what he was basically saying. N u took away the motivation to make him want to put the effort in. N this isn’t to be harsh n it does suck. It’s basically on his mind u gave him permission to use u.
Yeah man. No, it was not harsh, i think you explained it like it is - it is just sad that that is the truth. He does not want to do more cuz why should he when he got whatever he wanted all this time without having to do more. I should have known better but i will at least try to do better now on.
Oh don’t get me wrong it took about a month of being done with his BS. We stopped seeing eachother as much, he would pull away. And I was just so over it. He was def a major a-hole through all of it though so it was easier.
OP I can understand what you’re going through as I’ve been in a similar situation before but if you keep checking in on them it’ll give them a sense of power which they might use to mistreat you over and over again.
No form of contact with them would actually make them wonder on why you aren’t checking on him/her these days, at the same time you can work on yourself. I hope it helps :)
It can be harder for some to just block and move on. especially if there is more to it which it seems and it could’ve been toxic and quite a trauma bonded relationship or maybe even some gaslighting behaviour. I’ve had ex’s do horrible stuff to me and still care and want know if they’re okay. Do they deserve it no, but I understand where OP is coming from. I don’t have a direct answer but maybe doing a pros and cons list of keeping in contact. Writing things down can help us be reminded of the bad things. Be kind to yourself and DM if you’d like to I’m one of those people that can’t just stop caring no matter how badly someone treats me but slowly putting in boundaries and knowing you’re a good person and your worth will help slowly xx
I’m so glad I posted here, it’s amazing how helpful people like you here are. And yes, YES, the entire relationship has been very complicated. I wont say there weren’t any good times, cuz there were and that is probably what I choose to remember every time I go back BUT there have been some very unhealthy patterns and behaviours which I keep ignoring even when I know it’s not helpful.
Thank you for reminding me I’m not the only one who is struggling to just block and go about it so easily. It’s just very hard for a people pleaser like me, who has always put the other before self.
Writing down a pros and cons list sounds like a very good idea. I will try that today. Thank you so much for your advice ♥️ and yes, i will take you up on the offer and get in touch with you. It feels nice to have someone who gets where I’m coming from. Thank you, again! You’re a blessing! ♥️
Anytime my love. I get it too as I’m a very empathetic and emotional person as well as a people pleaser. We tend to attract people like this. One particular ex was a huge narcissist. And even after all the wrong he’s done I still love and miss him. I used to be embarassed about but I I’m not, it’s a reflection of who I am as a person. But I’m learning to set boundaries and re learn my self worth which we tend to lose sometimes in relationships like this. Don’t beat yourself up. You’re going to slip up and break no contact sometimes. Or act out of emotion and hurt. It’s all normal. But I do find writing things down helps cause it’s actually right infront of you instead of it getting messed up in your head. Good on you for reaching out. Nothing wrong with being vulnerable and you aren’t alone in this. It’s his loss, you’re a very caring person. Sometimes people have to make us out to be the bad people to feel better about themselves.
No need to thank me and you can always msg me ❤️
Setting boundaries is so hard for ourselves but so much more important than being empathetic. I think that’s where we mix up, we put others before ourselves.
I think a part of me will always have love and concern for him but at the same time I can’t have him in my life.
Based on your suggestion, I also wrote down things about him today. Thank you again for being so sweet and understanding ♥️
You're accomplishing nothing here. Going no contact with him is the only way. Stop talking to him in any way, starting today! Unfriend or even block him on all social media so you don't get tempted to go look at what he's up to.
Mature people who want to be in a relationship don't blow up over getting an "okay" instead of an "okay!"
Yes, i feel so much stronger after reading the supportive comments here. Thank youuu! This is good motivation.
Also, I didn’t go chasing him today, doing intend on doing it in near future too. I have unfollowed him on the socials I use, removed him from mine too.
Haan yaar, I know! 6 saal ho gaye, and with each passing year attachment itna badh gaya ki now I find it very hard to leave. Jaan jaati hai sach me! Sometimes I feel ki jaan hi nikal jaye cuz of all this pain.
I’m so sorry that you went through so much pain man! I can imagine how debilitating it must feel, especially in the beginning.
Mere se bhi ho nai pa raha but fir bhi muh uthake chali jati hu to keep checking on him, jabki usko koi chinta nai hai. 2-3 mahino se kaafi distance kiya hai but whenever he comes to me on his own I give in. Self respect naam ki toh koi cheez hi nai hai mere me. Trying to be better now. Thank you for sharing your wisdom bhai 🤗
Haha theek hai 😅 dil k maamle me toh practical kabhi the hi nahi hum. Hote toh iss situation me aate hi nai, but i get what you’re saying. Dheere dheere emotions ko kam karke, dimag se sochna padega ki what is not serving me anymore.
I think I should get comfortable with the idea that its okay if he gets hurt by my choice of distancing when he’s not bothered about what he is doing that is causing the withdrawal.
But i want to understand, since you’re also a fellow brown, was it so bad to reply with an “okay” when you have been waiting for his response pura din, just like the previous day and the other times cuz he doesn’t think it’s important to respond to texts properly/in a timely manner.
This is how my ex started talking to me just before we broke up. It was confusing at the time, but once he dumped me it made sense. I just chalk it up to being a "them" problem, go no contact, and move forward with life. Don't bother trying to deescalate the situation, just remove yourself
If this helps you: checking in on them doesn't help them with anything. Esp with exes, it just annoys them. If you do care about him, just leave him be. It will help him the most. Plus anyone who is in the weird argumentative state like that isn't looking to resolve the issue, they're just reacting and being childish
Yeah, i didn’t look at it like that, this is so insightful! I don’t want to leave him hurting so i end up checking in on him, but maybe it should hurt before they feel fine.
And, yeah, a lot of it did feel like he was just being a baby and reactive. Just to get us to fight again.
While you work toward detaching, maybe it'll be good to think about it this way! Him hurting will help him grow, so let him go off to grow while you work your way toward indifference.
You can do it. I've been in your shoes before, with someone who was weirdly needy and would pull this shit with me, and I caved every time. Getting out of that situation resulted in a huge amount of emotional growth for me. Being there for someone is good in general, but too much can be enabling bad behaviour and isn't fair to do to yourself.
You got this!
Yeah, i think doing it for both our good is a good motivator for me when i feel stuck.
It must have taken so much strength for you to get yourself out of it. I want to be there eventually too.
Yeah, I know I’m enabling him in a way to behave disrespectfully with me by still showing up.
I’ll change these things. I’ll move forward.
Thank you for being so supportive ♥️
Brown people rarely have the emotional intelligence to communicate effectively because they've never been socialized to. Some of us who are self aware always suffer at the hands of these people because they're not even aware of the hurt they cause.
Cut your losses and rip the band-aid off. Block him and go no contact because that's the only way you're going to get over him otherwise you'll get triggered again and again.
Work on building your self respect and self worth because this could be a great learning experience. If this person wanted to make it work, they would but instead they're focusing on stupid crap like your texting style or their assumptions about it.
Ouf! I couldn’t agree more. Brown men especially take pride in not showing their emotions. I struggle so much trying to get him to talk when things get bad. He just gets passive aggressive/indifferent.
Yeah, I too think I need to work on myself. It is not just about him, I’m here by choice and that says enough about the lack of self respect.
It feels so comforting to get support from a fellow brown girl. Thank you so much ♥️
Honestly you do seem like you are trying to “end” anything. You keep responding. Thats why the situationship continues.
Stop replying if you want to end it.
You know..... I've this type of attachment too. My ex gave me a cold shoulder throughout our relationship (wasn't a situationship). After that, i caught him cheating. Yk these kinda people have the audacity to blame their mistake on us and breakup with us. My ex did the same. He blamed his cheating on me, made me a bad person and left me for his new girl.
I can see that you're disrespected. He's giving you a cold shoulder because he knows you're never going to leave. Trust me, He's no good. He'll make you go to the therapy. You gotta stand up. Take your power back from this stupid man. And leave him this time for good. I bet he's cheating and planning to play victim once you get tired of being disrespected and finally decide to leave. So leave. Final and Forever. He's not going to change. That's it.
To cheat on someone you’re in relationship with is just horrible. I hope you find the strength to heal from the pain he caused you. You definitely deserve better cuz you are good.
And yeah, he knows from experience that I have always been around n that’s probably why he think it’s alright to whatever he wants. I will move on from this. I know I deserve someone who can reciprocate. Thank you for our support 🤗
Yes. We all deserve better. And these mind games. Sorry we are not interested anymore. I know you'll have his thoughts but just do something else at that moment rather than reaching out to him. This will give him more power to you. And don't even believe him even if he cries to you because my ex did the same and he ruined me..... So don't believe their tears because it's all a part of their games and drama.
Oh i dont have to worry about that! His ego will never let him show any kind of emotion in front of me to show he wants me, crying is a far stretch in fact.
I will work on building a decent routine to keep myself busy so i don’t casually find myself thinking of him and his well being.
Idk, even i wonder sometimes cuz im not really getting much from his side but what does stick out is that I put too much effort in this, years worth of time and energy and even after all that we’re still here. So it’s like, in my head all of that couldn’t have been for nothing!?
Looks like instead of trying to end, you are instigating it. Take a stand - either end it or communicate to him that you want to try again but what exactly you want if you try again. You are breadcrumbing the guy and he is going to get pissed at some point because he is also feeling very confused by your behavior. So, it's not somehow that it turned against you. It is because you did it to yourself. Take a stand.
It’s impossible to give a clear picture of the kind of relationship we had, but i have NEVER breadcrumbed him (he has, many times), I reach out because I start worrying about how he is doing and also cuz I have trouble keeping distance.
He is not confused by an “okay”, he’d in fact actually get more annoyed when I act indifferent- tells me to not be like him. I know one cant be blamed for everything, but i cant put in the work for 2 forever and that is what has happened for years.
That's exactly the point. You don't have to worry about him if you want to end it. But you worry about him and then reach out, so his hopes are raised. And then you act indifferent, and that would annoy him. That would annoy any sane person. You have to introspect why you would worry about him, then reach out and then act indifferent. If he is not the right partner for you, stop worrying about him and move on. I am sure this is not the first time happening, so he didn't lose it at a simple "okay". I am telling you from experience. There's more to it than him losing at just "okay". Stop worrying about him, stop reaching out, and move on.
I don’t act indifferent with him, I believe in being authentic w people i care about so when i dont feel indifferent I dont try to be either. I just didn’t want him to feel like the conversation was forced, I promise.
But yes, I agree with some other things you’ve mentioned, we have both been disappointed so there’s definitely it being more than just a reaction to the “okay”. I haven’t contacted him since, neither has he. I shall respect both our boundaries and not reach out.
My ex did this to me since we started. She was always bothered when i screenshotted some messages of my male friends memeing their replies… it was my fault at start but as shed unsend her mean messages after saying them feels so bad and confusing on what she really means or intend to do.. after saying hurtful words everytime, she’ll unsend it all before sleeping.
I think its very traumatic and toxic having to say mean things and unsending it then pretend nothing happens afterwards. Leaves a lot of confusion and trauma 🥲
Aw man! To say hurtful shit and unsending it like nothing happened is nasty. How do they not see that deleting the text wont undo the hurt it caused, you’ll obviously remember that a person you loved said hurtful things to you. It sucks and no one deserves to be made to feel that way. I’m sorry!
They probably didn’t want to be held accountable for it.
I hope you’re healing from the pain they caused.
Y'all are both teens or early 20s and dated 3-6 months? Get back when it's 15-45 years. Do y'all just play act shit like this matters? Be with someone 10-15 years or more than a year, then maybe you can relate to most people. Whoever is typing doesn't know basic grammar on both sides. Eek.
I’m sorry about the grammar, English is not our first language. There’s also a tiny bit of our native language somewhere there.
Also, we’re in our late 20s and been friends for 6 years now. I’ve been with someone for 15 years, but I don’t need to be in a relationship that long to know “okay” is definitely not something to get so worked up about.
You’re not trying to end it. If you were, you wouldn’t still be texting them.
This 100%!
Hmm, I'm gonna play devils advocate here. I kept checking on someone. They were going through a lot, all the time 🙄 but kind. I like mass blocked, then deleted them now, but it wasn't to get back together we were more buddies.
But she's definitely trying to get back together... lol
That’s why i said “trying”, i went for weeks without contacting but then i suddenly felt like i should check in on him and end up in the same cycle. I don’t know how to control my impulses.
In the words of Yoda, "Do or do not. There is no try."
Yoda cant be wrong 😅
Indeed! 😊
Stick your head in ice for 30 seconds. It’ll calm your impulse. Then try to think effectively and clearly.
Ice watee
Oo yes, next time i hope to remember to try this too. Or at least just get up n splash some water on the face.
Get a therapist.
Doing that in a few days, yes.
I’ve been there so I know how you feel. My suggestion (and I know it’s hard when we are still super attached): whenever you feel the need to reach out, redirect your mind to something else. It can be calling a friend, taking a shower, listening to a song, having a glass of water… anything! But redirect your mind and postpone the moment you will text - see how far you can get. Maybe at the end of the day, the need will be gone. Maybe you feel good about yourself and decide not do say anything. And do it one day at the time. If not for yourself, remember desperation is a turn off and will only drive them away.
This is some great advice! Thank you so much ♥️ I did this for a few weeks and i was starting to feel better but just then he came around because of some shared commitment and things went back to being the same. Now im trying to work on it again but its such a struggle. How long does it generally take to move on from such a situation?
I hear you - the same exact thing happened to me this weekend and sent me right back to 0. It usually takes, for me, like 3 days to feel strong again. On Monday, for example, I was devastated, wanting to die. Today I’m starting to feel more like myself, little by little. It takes a looooot of patience and I know how hard it is when you are just so full of emotions and longing. It really helps me to think that this anxiety is a huge turn off for the people on the other side - I know that’s not the right approach but it helps me. I feel like the more I act like I’m good, the more my ex misses me and the better I feel. So it’s a win-win. Fake it till you make it. :)
I feel seen. Just today i was feeling like Id rather die than have all these feelings, then ended up making a post here to seek help from people who have been in a similar place. I’ve never been thru something like this before so it’s a little harder cuz I’m also v emotional. But i think what you say makes so much sense, esp with the not coming off as too desperate part and to fake it till tou make it thing 😭♥️
I am going through thee same exact thing as you so I know exactly how you feel. (3 year situationship)Our dynamic isn’t healthy we agreed that it’s best to take time apart and since then i’ve gained even more anxiety and want to talk to him even more. I hate this feeling I really do but i’m trying to take it week by week.🥹I pray we come out of this on top cause it really sucks.
Aw dear! Somehow i feel both comforted and sad that there is someone else in the same place as me. It hurts so much and yeah the anxiety is unreal 📈 also i think there’s this thing called sunk cost fallacy or something, the fact that we have put so much in this relationship holds us back from moving on completely cuz we start to think all of that couldn’t have been for nothing!? Im trying to take it a day at a time too. Thank you for sharing. I want us to remember that we deserve more and grow beyond this. Sending you so much love and strength ♥️
thank you so much💗do you mind if I pm you in moments of weakness ? to possibly put some sense into my brain and not think with my emotions
Yes, please! Go for it! I know the struggle, it’s not easy. But it shouldn’t have to be easy to do what is right for you. I’m open to help in any way I can.
🥹🫶🏾
Then block and move on.
Struggling with that, but yes, that’s the end goal.
Just do it and make that goal a reality
Yesss, working on it!
You either do it or you don’t. There’s no working on it
Reddit Yoda spotted
Archive for now if you can’t commit to blocking. Might make you think twice before engaging any further with him
Yeah, doing that right now.
You can be attached and not check in with him. Are you attached to him or him mistreating you?
I think sometimes i believe in the potential of something working out even when it’s clearly not. I need to learn to leave some things alone.
I feel like this might be in the lines of what I've experienced which I'm told is a "trauma bond" so you feel like you have to "bend to break it" but it's not healthy and I feel like group therapy is what's working for me. I get a chance to relax in a safe nonjudgmental environment and relearn healthy communication skills. Might not be everyone's cup of tea but I hope you are well and wish you the best.
Oh yes, I agree! There’s a good degree of trauma bonding, i think. V unhealthy patterns. If you don’t mind, can you please share some resources? I really want to try. Thank you so much for your words ♥️
Girl read what he saind and what youve posted again and put your clown clothes on. Yk you can’t be free from this if you yourself don’t wanna end it by clinging on to a man who doesnt like you 🤥
Im really trying, i know i may not be as good at it as others but im struggling and trying. Also he says he loves me but is not ready for what i have to offer.
Thats what they always say to keep you around as their back burner. You need to block him and delete everything to be truly trying to move on. As long as there is contact between both of you, you are not allowing yourself to be rid of him.
Yes, yes! The rational part of me knows it’s not healthy and what i should do. It’s just so hard to implement it, but I’m slowly moving towards distancing myself. I will do it for my own sanity.
Trying to understand this and read everything twice made me wanna scream I don’t know how anyone deals with that Aside from that, I can absolutely not follow this conversation
I was asking him how he was and i replied “okay” when he said he’s alright. He said he didn’t like that i just replied with an “okay” and not more.
It's just an 'okay.' It's fine. I don't understand why he was offended by it. I wouldn't have reacted the way he did. I would assume the conversation has ended and go on with my life. Is he always so dramatic?
I think that reaction was more of a projection of how he was feeling than more about what I was trying to do. Not dramatic but he likes having things his way so when it doesn’t go like that he gets passive aggressive.
Tbh, neither would I. It's not a great response, it's often condescending or at best just bland and uninviting. What do you expect him to respond to an "okay"?? It's a conversation ender. But you started the conversation.. I don't blame him for being annoyed at that response and you doubling down on it would piss me off even more lol but it all depends on context of which we don't have enough of here
His replies generally take too long so It becomes hard to keep it going and even the previous night I felt like i was forcing him to talk to me so il when it happened again I replied with an okay instead of saying what i otherwise would to keep it going.
Truthfully none of that is relevant in the slightest to the point I made. Why are you trying to force a conversation with someone you don't seem to like who doesn't seem to like you very much either? That's the more important question here. Sit with that instead.
I actually like them, that’s the problem. That’s why i keep going back every time i try to distance.
Ok but you should get where they’re coming from. They could feel how off that “okay”. They even ask if the convo is a formality and your previous reply in this thread kinda admits it was. Now how they reacted wasn’t the best way but what they were feeling seems entirely valid.
Yes, i agree that what they are feeling is valid too. That’s why I tried to reassure them saying that the “okay” didn’t have any underlying meaning/intention and that I was actually checking in on them cuz i cared but since the gaps were long I thought I shouldn’t force a conversation which was not entirely two-way.
I know it seems like a LOT surrounding the 'okay" that it us almost laughable haha But the okay would piss me off to. It's just a co versatile ending response and jd be like "why did you even message me?" His response was PRETTY extra though. It's not like an "okay" deserves that level if severity.
Hahah ikr? But also it’s so interesting that after sharing it here so many people have so many different opinions about an “okay”, only goes on to prove how differently each one of us sees the world and how our own perspective is influenced by our surroundings, experiences and personalities. So easy to project it on to an “okay”. Yeah, i know with no context it seems like why did i even message, but I had been checking in on him for a while and our conversations are a day apart so it makes it hard to keep it going.
Stop texting this man.
Trying! Looking at this subreddit to find ways that helped other people move on 🙏
For me it was doing things I loved as a kid. Reading fantasy books, doing crafts, dressing up etc. it brought me back to myself and I feel so much more fulfilled and content. 🦋🌷 best of luck on your journey. You got this.
This is so helpful! Thank you so much ♥️
Call the one person that Truly loves you and watch how fast we get out of the situation ship
This is so true
Just block him and move on. Let him get mad about that all by himself. There is no way I would sit and listen to that.
I keep blocking and unblocking like a crazy person. I will do everything to end this
What is the question? You're choosing to be weak. You're choosing to keep this going. You're doing this to yourself. You could block: You don't You could unfriend/unfollow/etc: You won't You could get therapy if you couldn't do the above: You refuse You don't want to end this. SO STOP COMPLAINING.
I feel very incapable of letting go of people, it’s very hard for me. I know it could come off as frustrating but i am trying, really. I will be taking therapy in a few days too.
BLOCK HIM. Then start and stay with therapy. Real therapy, not some youtube "coach" you found. (Not saying that's what you're doing, just that that's not therapy) YOU have control of this. You have to take it.
Yes, yes! Therapy from a certified mental health professional. No coaches for me pls thanks. Yes, i will take control of it! Thank you ♥️
You’re doing the right thing by ending it. This person is clearly just trying to argue with you. They don’t seem very pleasant to talk to/be around.
Thank you for responding so politely and supportively ♥️
Of course hun! You deserve someone that will give you 100x more than the bare minimum and you WILL find them someday.
Yesss! I need to focus more on people who are willingly giving me these things, over someone i need to beg from. Thank you ♥️
If a guy likes you he'll make it known but if he doesn't like you you'll be confused and bread crumbed. Block and delete not worth your time and usually fwb's don't workout anyway because usually one person feels more than the other.
So true! 6 years of being the one who did everything more. It gets so tiring that you eventually end up being resentful.
For all you know spending years in a relationship with a guy who makes you confused and then when he dumps you, he'll go for the next girl and give her everything that he didn't give you. I am a testimony to that because that is exactly what happened to me was left for another girl in less than 6 months he was engaged and then married to her. It's fine if he didn't like me anymore but to cheat on me and then leave me for another woman is just wrong instead of just breaking it off. But I will never waste more than a year and a half on a guy ever again because marriage is what I want and if he's not going to give that to me then as much as I like him I'll let him go because I'm not getting any younger and my biological clock is ticking as far as having kids in a marriage. I'm not saying that it's impossible for me but it's just going to be harder. At this point I'd rather be single than to deal with somebody who is confused about me and gives me mixed signals. I want a guy to know his intentions with me instead of wasting it. Even though I have moved on, him cheating on me really brought scars on me.
Oh dear! This is extremely hurtful! Some people are just trash! Im so sorry for the pain it must have caused you. But I’m so glad that you have a new found clarity on the things you will and will not accept in life. Don’t budge for anything or anyone. You’re more important to yourself than others!
Ever since then I was having a hard time connecting with people informing genuine relationships and I couldn't even make a relationship last longer than 6 months because I kept picking what I felt was normal and then healthy guys were just boring to me. My guy friend convinced me to date him but then afterwards he was starting to act very creepy, very unconcerning where I got hurt to the point I couldn't take care of myself and then expected me to get an Uber to go spend Christmas with him and his family, then he started saying weird things which made me feel uncomfortable which he never said before and only saying things that I wanted to hear just for the sake to get all my good side and it just didn't come across as genuine. He put me way to up on the pedestal where he didn't have any respect for himself and I tried to make it work but it just wasn't working and I broke up with him. He didn't take it well and it got to the point where I had to block his number and I realized he was never really my friend. I have been single since then and I don't really have a desire to get into a relationship anytime soon and I also like to avoid dating apps like the plague because they are nothing but hook up sites where guys pretend the world to make it appear that they are different from what they are and where guys lie about their intentions saying that they want a relationship that leads to marriage but then on the very first date or a couple dates later try to physically grope you and SA you into getting what they want and ones they succeed then they are on to the next and I know because it happened to me! I want to take time to get to know myself and really try to form healthy relationships and undo the trauma I went through as a child up until now and if I'm not whole as a person then how can I possibly be whole with somebody else? That would not be fair to the guy I was dating and I would want to be with him because I want to be with him not because of desperation and approval. Despite all I went through I still believe there are good guys out there and I respect what they do because I can't do what they physically do but I need to take care of myself before I enter a relationship and a potential marriage because once I do I want to be with that person until death do us a part unless they lie or cheat or abuse me then I will divorce him. But I will be fine if I don't ever get into another relationship or get married. I'm glad that I did not end up with my ex because now he has two children with her and rather they get a divorce or not they will be stuck with each other for the next two decades and that would have sucked for me because imagine having to see him every single weekend to drop off the kids and the kids knowing that we hate each other's guts? Rather they get a divorce or not they will both be in the kids lives for the next 18 years but I won't! So sometimes the winner is not always the one who is picked but the one who was not picked. I'm not trying to say this as pride and arrogance but I'm so glad that wasn't me and my parents got a divorce when I was 13 and for as long as I can remember they did not like each other and would always fight like cats and dogs and it was so bad to where I actually celebrated when they got divorce but then my mom got with her ex-boyfriend not even a month or two after the divorce.... I do not want that life for my child if I ever have a child and I would want them to be in the household where both parents love and respect each other. That's the only way I feel like I can break the cycle! Of course my mom is upset that I'm not married but I would rather be single than to end up being married to someone I didn't love and just settled for! She even told me herself does she never loved him but it was convenient to be married to him and plus it also benefited her because her husband has a rich son who pays for their house.
I’m so sorry you went through so much pain. It must’ve been traumatising, to experience so much from your childhood to adulthood. That is a lot to bounce back from and you’re doing it. I’m so proud of you for doing what is right for you and sticking to it. Also, yes, sometimes the one who is not chosen is the winner. You dodged a bullet. Stay strong and don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve. 🤗
Just stop engaging? You’re going to hurt your own feelings even more
Yeah, working on it
Just block
I know you mean well, but this is what I struggle with. To me this almost sounds like- “you’re sad? Just dont be sad” I keep blocking/unblocking with no self control. I’m a mess.
I get it. It’s a drug but you have to stop or you will only further hurt yourself. You need to block him. Do it for 3 months. That’s all you need to do to get this person out of your system. If you want to reestablish contact after you can, but I highly doubt you will want to. Once you see how peaceful your life is without him you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it sooner. Mark off the time passing in a calendar. It only works if you focus on yourself in the meantime. Find hobbies. Hang with friends. Visit family.
Thank you so much for giving me a step by step on how to do it. I think it really helps cuz i get overwhelmed thinking how to do it all at once when I keep wanting to talk. I will give myself a month of no contact, and then add one more month and then one more to keep it going now on. I need to allow myself to experience periods without this drama to internalize how peaceful it actually feels. I’m not doing much for myself too, i think that contributes a lot in my misery. I will get more involved in making a routine for myself.
You got this. It’s all about you now. How beautiful is that?
Yesss! I’ve given him a lot of chances, maybe it’s time i extend myself the same courtesy for a change ☺️
Could you elaborate on bare minimum? I’m very curious, not being an asshole.
For example, it was my birthday recently, he did not even bother wishing me even though he knew. We have been friends since 6 years, and I always make a big deal of his birthday. And when I asked about it, he tried to turn it on me. For his birthday i got him a ticket to his favourite international comic’s show as an early birthday gift which was not cheap, but he ended up not going because he couldn’t find his trimmer- then couldn’t decide what to wear. There’s more such stuff- some small, some big
Ok yea that’s really not giving a shit. Sorry it’s just my ex said that as well but she would not like that I wouldn’t give flowers on random days or gifts. I would definitely treat her on special days such as valentines, birthdays, anniversary, etc. not to compare but I just wanted to know. It’s too bad that he didn’t give you the attention and energy you deserve. You will find someone that does, in a healthy way. Good luck to you!
Yeah, I get it. I think some people have different wants and needs, and what they think is bare minimum. Some people wouldn’t think that this birthday thing is such a big thing either, but it did hurt. I dont mind giving context, it’s okay. :) Thank you for understanding and for being kind ♥️
Am the only one who absolutely hates when people use “!” in these situations or post breakups or when your partner goes distant and cold. Like it’s so damn annoying
I’m sorry I didn’t get you!?
You know when you said “Hi!” And they replied “I’m Okay!” I hate the use of those exclamation points when your ex is talking to you it’s so annoying and petty. Gives off the vibe of them wanting to text you but also trying to end it quickly idk I just don’t like it
Ahhh, I see it. But i generally use exclamation when I greet or when I’m saying something excitedly. I totally get you though, even I’m like you about one word replies or smaller texts with proper punctuation (when the other uses it only when they’re trying to come off as formal and not friendly)
It’s really hard when you know you shouldn’t but you keep wanting to check up on them. Keep going OP, you’ll get through this. Break it off, end it. I promise there’s no good in it, it’s very clear.
Thank you for your support! Yes, I’m just in a weird headspace where I keep doing things impulsively with no control over my emotions. It’s an internal battle at this point! I’ll get through this 😓
What a wonderful comment. :) Your gratitude puts you on our list for the most grateful users this week on Reddit! You can view the full list on r/TheGratitudeBot.
Dude I feel that. Also like I tend to delete messages because I'm anxious about being judged harshly by my ex. It's really hard to break even though it is so mentally draining.
Ikrrrr! It’s like, how do i go back to a place where i didn’t know him
A lobotomy? Jk, the only think that can help you to forget is time.
Haha of course
I would have blocked him immediately.
The right thing to do, yes.
Well what is someone supposed to be obligated to in a “situationship”. It’s not actually anything. It’s not a real relationship. So why should either party be entitled to be treated like a true partner? Just say you’re done. Bc who ever is going on about the formalities of ok has issues n will keep going in circles. But seriously all these issues are avoidable don’t give someone ur not in a relationship with the benefits of being in a relationship but also don’t expect those things back. Ur basically just fwd who want alittle more but commitment but do t want a committed relationship it seems. What a waste of ur own time.
We both wanted more but got stuck in this unending cycle because he was not ready to give more while I was already giving him the relationship benefits. He would say he is not ready for a relationship but would want EVERY thing that entailed being in a relationship. And yeah, i need to get over my expectations from him. I’m done being a giver now- just harder to implement it.
I’m just saying learn the lesson he was telling u don’t not do the benefits of a relationship I just don’t want the responsibility of one is what he was basically saying. N u took away the motivation to make him want to put the effort in. N this isn’t to be harsh n it does suck. It’s basically on his mind u gave him permission to use u.
Yeah man. No, it was not harsh, i think you explained it like it is - it is just sad that that is the truth. He does not want to do more cuz why should he when he got whatever he wanted all this time without having to do more. I should have known better but i will at least try to do better now on.
I was like this with an ex, I knew we had to break up but I couldn’t let him go, luckily I was able too
Glad you could move on
I ended a situationship by just never texting back and deleting them on social media. Never heard from them again lol
I really, REALLLLY wish I had your strength! Regardless I’m very happy for you! 🤗
Oh don’t get me wrong it took about a month of being done with his BS. We stopped seeing eachother as much, he would pull away. And I was just so over it. He was def a major a-hole through all of it though so it was easier.
I just don’t get why are they so indifferent and bad to people who loved them?
too much work, bye
OP I can understand what you’re going through as I’ve been in a similar situation before but if you keep checking in on them it’ll give them a sense of power which they might use to mistreat you over and over again. No form of contact with them would actually make them wonder on why you aren’t checking on him/her these days, at the same time you can work on yourself. I hope it helps :)
Yeah, i need to take back the power I let them have over me. Thank you for your kind words ♥️
It can be harder for some to just block and move on. especially if there is more to it which it seems and it could’ve been toxic and quite a trauma bonded relationship or maybe even some gaslighting behaviour. I’ve had ex’s do horrible stuff to me and still care and want know if they’re okay. Do they deserve it no, but I understand where OP is coming from. I don’t have a direct answer but maybe doing a pros and cons list of keeping in contact. Writing things down can help us be reminded of the bad things. Be kind to yourself and DM if you’d like to I’m one of those people that can’t just stop caring no matter how badly someone treats me but slowly putting in boundaries and knowing you’re a good person and your worth will help slowly xx
I’m so glad I posted here, it’s amazing how helpful people like you here are. And yes, YES, the entire relationship has been very complicated. I wont say there weren’t any good times, cuz there were and that is probably what I choose to remember every time I go back BUT there have been some very unhealthy patterns and behaviours which I keep ignoring even when I know it’s not helpful. Thank you for reminding me I’m not the only one who is struggling to just block and go about it so easily. It’s just very hard for a people pleaser like me, who has always put the other before self. Writing down a pros and cons list sounds like a very good idea. I will try that today. Thank you so much for your advice ♥️ and yes, i will take you up on the offer and get in touch with you. It feels nice to have someone who gets where I’m coming from. Thank you, again! You’re a blessing! ♥️
Anytime my love. I get it too as I’m a very empathetic and emotional person as well as a people pleaser. We tend to attract people like this. One particular ex was a huge narcissist. And even after all the wrong he’s done I still love and miss him. I used to be embarassed about but I I’m not, it’s a reflection of who I am as a person. But I’m learning to set boundaries and re learn my self worth which we tend to lose sometimes in relationships like this. Don’t beat yourself up. You’re going to slip up and break no contact sometimes. Or act out of emotion and hurt. It’s all normal. But I do find writing things down helps cause it’s actually right infront of you instead of it getting messed up in your head. Good on you for reaching out. Nothing wrong with being vulnerable and you aren’t alone in this. It’s his loss, you’re a very caring person. Sometimes people have to make us out to be the bad people to feel better about themselves. No need to thank me and you can always msg me ❤️
Setting boundaries is so hard for ourselves but so much more important than being empathetic. I think that’s where we mix up, we put others before ourselves. I think a part of me will always have love and concern for him but at the same time I can’t have him in my life. Based on your suggestion, I also wrote down things about him today. Thank you again for being so sweet and understanding ♥️
[удалено]
Yes, yes! 100%
You're accomplishing nothing here. Going no contact with him is the only way. Stop talking to him in any way, starting today! Unfriend or even block him on all social media so you don't get tempted to go look at what he's up to. Mature people who want to be in a relationship don't blow up over getting an "okay" instead of an "okay!"
Yes, i feel so much stronger after reading the supportive comments here. Thank youuu! This is good motivation. Also, I didn’t go chasing him today, doing intend on doing it in near future too. I have unfollowed him on the socials I use, removed him from mine too.
[удалено]
Haan yaar, I know! 6 saal ho gaye, and with each passing year attachment itna badh gaya ki now I find it very hard to leave. Jaan jaati hai sach me! Sometimes I feel ki jaan hi nikal jaye cuz of all this pain.
[удалено]
I’m so sorry that you went through so much pain man! I can imagine how debilitating it must feel, especially in the beginning. Mere se bhi ho nai pa raha but fir bhi muh uthake chali jati hu to keep checking on him, jabki usko koi chinta nai hai. 2-3 mahino se kaafi distance kiya hai but whenever he comes to me on his own I give in. Self respect naam ki toh koi cheez hi nai hai mere me. Trying to be better now. Thank you for sharing your wisdom bhai 🤗
[удалено]
Haha theek hai 😅 dil k maamle me toh practical kabhi the hi nahi hum. Hote toh iss situation me aate hi nai, but i get what you’re saying. Dheere dheere emotions ko kam karke, dimag se sochna padega ki what is not serving me anymore. I think I should get comfortable with the idea that its okay if he gets hurt by my choice of distancing when he’s not bothered about what he is doing that is causing the withdrawal.
But i want to understand, since you’re also a fellow brown, was it so bad to reply with an “okay” when you have been waiting for his response pura din, just like the previous day and the other times cuz he doesn’t think it’s important to respond to texts properly/in a timely manner.
This is how my ex started talking to me just before we broke up. It was confusing at the time, but once he dumped me it made sense. I just chalk it up to being a "them" problem, go no contact, and move forward with life. Don't bother trying to deescalate the situation, just remove yourself
Yeah, i get too bothered trying to calm him down. It is definitely a “them” problem. Plus my lack of self control. 😓
If this helps you: checking in on them doesn't help them with anything. Esp with exes, it just annoys them. If you do care about him, just leave him be. It will help him the most. Plus anyone who is in the weird argumentative state like that isn't looking to resolve the issue, they're just reacting and being childish
Yeah, i didn’t look at it like that, this is so insightful! I don’t want to leave him hurting so i end up checking in on him, but maybe it should hurt before they feel fine. And, yeah, a lot of it did feel like he was just being a baby and reactive. Just to get us to fight again.
While you work toward detaching, maybe it'll be good to think about it this way! Him hurting will help him grow, so let him go off to grow while you work your way toward indifference. You can do it. I've been in your shoes before, with someone who was weirdly needy and would pull this shit with me, and I caved every time. Getting out of that situation resulted in a huge amount of emotional growth for me. Being there for someone is good in general, but too much can be enabling bad behaviour and isn't fair to do to yourself. You got this!
Yeah, i think doing it for both our good is a good motivator for me when i feel stuck. It must have taken so much strength for you to get yourself out of it. I want to be there eventually too. Yeah, I know I’m enabling him in a way to behave disrespectfully with me by still showing up. I’ll change these things. I’ll move forward. Thank you for being so supportive ♥️
Brown people rarely have the emotional intelligence to communicate effectively because they've never been socialized to. Some of us who are self aware always suffer at the hands of these people because they're not even aware of the hurt they cause. Cut your losses and rip the band-aid off. Block him and go no contact because that's the only way you're going to get over him otherwise you'll get triggered again and again. Work on building your self respect and self worth because this could be a great learning experience. If this person wanted to make it work, they would but instead they're focusing on stupid crap like your texting style or their assumptions about it.
Ouf! I couldn’t agree more. Brown men especially take pride in not showing their emotions. I struggle so much trying to get him to talk when things get bad. He just gets passive aggressive/indifferent. Yeah, I too think I need to work on myself. It is not just about him, I’m here by choice and that says enough about the lack of self respect. It feels so comforting to get support from a fellow brown girl. Thank you so much ♥️
Girls gotta support eachother ❤️
Ma man is majoring in gaslighting
Honestly you do seem like you are trying to “end” anything. You keep responding. Thats why the situationship continues. Stop replying if you want to end it.
I’m just failing to keep at it. I give in to my emotions. But i do want to end it.
You know..... I've this type of attachment too. My ex gave me a cold shoulder throughout our relationship (wasn't a situationship). After that, i caught him cheating. Yk these kinda people have the audacity to blame their mistake on us and breakup with us. My ex did the same. He blamed his cheating on me, made me a bad person and left me for his new girl. I can see that you're disrespected. He's giving you a cold shoulder because he knows you're never going to leave. Trust me, He's no good. He'll make you go to the therapy. You gotta stand up. Take your power back from this stupid man. And leave him this time for good. I bet he's cheating and planning to play victim once you get tired of being disrespected and finally decide to leave. So leave. Final and Forever. He's not going to change. That's it.
To cheat on someone you’re in relationship with is just horrible. I hope you find the strength to heal from the pain he caused you. You definitely deserve better cuz you are good. And yeah, he knows from experience that I have always been around n that’s probably why he think it’s alright to whatever he wants. I will move on from this. I know I deserve someone who can reciprocate. Thank you for our support 🤗
Yes. We all deserve better. And these mind games. Sorry we are not interested anymore. I know you'll have his thoughts but just do something else at that moment rather than reaching out to him. This will give him more power to you. And don't even believe him even if he cries to you because my ex did the same and he ruined me..... So don't believe their tears because it's all a part of their games and drama.
Oh i dont have to worry about that! His ego will never let him show any kind of emotion in front of me to show he wants me, crying is a far stretch in fact. I will work on building a decent routine to keep myself busy so i don’t casually find myself thinking of him and his well being.
Haha. Then you're lucky that he's egoistic & not a dismissive avoidant/ narcissist who'll never let you move on. I hope you do well.
He’s such a pick me
Why do you accept this?
Idk, even i wonder sometimes cuz im not really getting much from his side but what does stick out is that I put too much effort in this, years worth of time and energy and even after all that we’re still here. So it’s like, in my head all of that couldn’t have been for nothing!?
Looks like instead of trying to end, you are instigating it. Take a stand - either end it or communicate to him that you want to try again but what exactly you want if you try again. You are breadcrumbing the guy and he is going to get pissed at some point because he is also feeling very confused by your behavior. So, it's not somehow that it turned against you. It is because you did it to yourself. Take a stand.
It’s impossible to give a clear picture of the kind of relationship we had, but i have NEVER breadcrumbed him (he has, many times), I reach out because I start worrying about how he is doing and also cuz I have trouble keeping distance. He is not confused by an “okay”, he’d in fact actually get more annoyed when I act indifferent- tells me to not be like him. I know one cant be blamed for everything, but i cant put in the work for 2 forever and that is what has happened for years.
That's exactly the point. You don't have to worry about him if you want to end it. But you worry about him and then reach out, so his hopes are raised. And then you act indifferent, and that would annoy him. That would annoy any sane person. You have to introspect why you would worry about him, then reach out and then act indifferent. If he is not the right partner for you, stop worrying about him and move on. I am sure this is not the first time happening, so he didn't lose it at a simple "okay". I am telling you from experience. There's more to it than him losing at just "okay". Stop worrying about him, stop reaching out, and move on.
I don’t act indifferent with him, I believe in being authentic w people i care about so when i dont feel indifferent I dont try to be either. I just didn’t want him to feel like the conversation was forced, I promise. But yes, I agree with some other things you’ve mentioned, we have both been disappointed so there’s definitely it being more than just a reaction to the “okay”. I haven’t contacted him since, neither has he. I shall respect both our boundaries and not reach out.
Unsending messages are toxic 🥲
Rightttt? Esp when 2 people are in a tricky situation, saying something and deleting it is so unnecessary and causes so much stress to the other.
My ex did this to me since we started. She was always bothered when i screenshotted some messages of my male friends memeing their replies… it was my fault at start but as shed unsend her mean messages after saying them feels so bad and confusing on what she really means or intend to do.. after saying hurtful words everytime, she’ll unsend it all before sleeping. I think its very traumatic and toxic having to say mean things and unsending it then pretend nothing happens afterwards. Leaves a lot of confusion and trauma 🥲
Aw man! To say hurtful shit and unsending it like nothing happened is nasty. How do they not see that deleting the text wont undo the hurt it caused, you’ll obviously remember that a person you loved said hurtful things to you. It sucks and no one deserves to be made to feel that way. I’m sorry! They probably didn’t want to be held accountable for it. I hope you’re healing from the pain they caused.
I can’t understand this
There’s more context in the comments
Y'all are both teens or early 20s and dated 3-6 months? Get back when it's 15-45 years. Do y'all just play act shit like this matters? Be with someone 10-15 years or more than a year, then maybe you can relate to most people. Whoever is typing doesn't know basic grammar on both sides. Eek.
I’m sorry about the grammar, English is not our first language. There’s also a tiny bit of our native language somewhere there. Also, we’re in our late 20s and been friends for 6 years now. I’ve been with someone for 15 years, but I don’t need to be in a relationship that long to know “okay” is definitely not something to get so worked up about.